My Darkest Post Ever....
Please Don't Read...

this is something that really shouldn't be out for the public view, but once everybody has heard me say something like it, then everybody will know...sooner or later...

so the jist of it is, I hit my wall....I wasn't paying attention, I knew something was in the road, than BAMM, I hit it.......notice how I said I hit it, rather than it hit me....think about it...but anyways I came to this realization in a very short time span, basically over the weekend. But I came to the conclusion that I cannot go any further with the way I am living, everything is a mess...I wasn't designed for these times is part of the main problem...

I'm probably not as anger as I was earlier this morning on the car ride to Lowell...car rides are always bad for me..well good to think, but bad thoughts, evil...plus I didn't have my tape recorder to talk to (damn barcus) so I had no true venting...and now hours later, here I am, sitting here with dezz behind me, filling out an application for Purdue, with this noisy keyboard that clicks louder than anything I have ever heard, and there's no deafing it, this has to be killing her, and the angrier I get, the harder my key strokes are, not to mention the quicker. soothing my ass....alright off of that topic...I'm not as angry as I was earlier, yes....

but my idea...well ideas.......though nobody wants to say it, death is always 'round the corner, and you never go when you want, why not change that, control that aspect of life, one of the few you can....but there's so many different methods, what one would be suiting..who knows...and then it's always been a motto, if you're going down, take as many people with you as you can.....but I don't want to be that evil, I'm not going on any killing spree, not in the mood, go peacefully and quietly....but how do you leave your mark then...well I would be the first person in my class (2001) to die...which is pretty amazing considering the other classes have all had theirs at a quick rate......

but then the argument of purgatory comes up...alright so I know I'm going to hell anyways, I'm a good person, but everybody's a sinner...so purgatory can't be that bad, though you should go to hell, you're not, ride that fence....

so then I thought, why don't I just go to jail....think about that one....i'd have a roof over my head, I wouldn't have to work really, I'd get meals, I'd get to read books and still be taught things I like, I'd get cable tv..hell this is a lot better than the life I'm living....and I'd get to repent my crime and be a good person before I get the death sentence or something like that....

so if I wanted to continue living, I'm gonna go to jail, there's nothing left for me here...I have nothing left to prove, I have nobody to prove it to.....time and circumstances are just not on my side...life is just chasing down things that will buy you more time...I've been running and I'm out of breath, everything caught up all at once, there's nothing I can do about it..sometimes the easiest way out is also the hardest...you try living my life for a day, I know you got your problems too, but I just wanted to live, and now that's impossible..I wish my hardest decision of the day was, do I want to get up now, or sleep in some more...I'm sorry, I have to do something, it's going to kill me one way or another.....and even though I know Jason Angus can overcome anything, this might be somethign that will exert a little too much effort if he even tries, and what will it b for in the end...like i said, there's nothing to prove and nobody to prove it to, they've all turned their backs....