Two Thousand And Six..
Feet Under....

Something's gonna die in '06....but what?

Time to get some resolutions in action...

Happy Festivus
For the Rest of Us....

If you don't know, you wouldn't be reading this anyways.....

Today marks the beginning of Festivus, and as we all know, it is not finished until the head of the household gets pinned...well, I'm not sure I have a "head of the household" so I really don't know when this thing is over....

On other notes it was a random Friday, with me working a double....the mood is breaking fast and we are on a steadily increase downhill..tomorrow is X-mas Eve and I'm not quite sure what to do with anything anymore...

So I'll leave it at that..work was more than lame and I just wanted to go home as soon as possible....I want my day off for just myself..though I don't know why I am pushing for it so soon, I mean I'l be getting plenty of those days soon enough...













Bah Humbug!!!!!

To Love and Be Loved...
..is nothing more cynical

So they say the worst is watching the one you love, love someone else..and I think I may know what second is...

Really messed up relationships must be my thing. honestly, as I sit here at 4 in the morning I have been brewing over past "loves" and "run-ins" and they all come out with the same equation = completely off the charts.

For the most part, the run-ins, as I like to call them, would be the lesser of the evils; though the only evil is made on my part. these poor girls show an interest in me and I could care less..we all remember "let's take this bitch home" and "scar-face"...

but I'm "maturing", realizing the nature that is Jason Angus - for once in my life I've put my powers of charm, charisma, intelligence, and decent looks to work, and I must say..if I put my mind to it, I can achieve it...but I am growing in other ways too....starting to "grow-up" if you will...no, I'm still the crazy Jason, just some wisdom has been bestowed upon me. a sense of self-understanding and being able to see things on the otherside for a change have made their ways into my livelihood...and all because of a certain someone...dare I say that...

so I'm in this rut..I don't know how to get out of it, I like where things are at, but changing it would jeopardize the entire structure..only because a change about things would be the destruction of it..I'm simply stating it won't go to where I'd want the change to go, and I'd have to resort to drastic measures, i.e. backup plan B - cut and run.

and while that seems absolutist and extreme, we all know how much of an advocate I am for all or nothing...extremes (usually both sides) is how I roll...and because of that, that one little characteristic flaw, my hopeless romantic/novel-esque feeling, I have not matured.

I can't explain why I think that way, I don't know if it was something I was taught, or if it is indeed a flaw that one cannot change.

one should feel all the energies of the world on their side when they are in love..but it actually brings me to pain to say it..mainly becuase I am in love, but the love is unrequited, and for that I feel like a failure..I don't like being let down by anyone, and when I prove myself to be in the wrong, it is the worst feeling in the world.

so the story of my life, and anybody else for that matter, the ones who love me I do not return the love to; and the ones I love do not return the love to me...and it's always going to be that way...the person I want to be with is someone I want to be in love with..but I feel as if no matter what (and I am only saying this right now) I will pull more weight in the relationship..I will love them more than they love me...and if I go the other way with it, having them love me more than I love them, I'd feel horrible, because I know I would not be the same as if I were to be truly in love with them..somebody's always getting screwed.

and then there's the phrase, "if you love something let it go"..I don't think I get that phrase..sure there's the crappy whatever of "if you truly love something for what it is, rather than just having it in your life, you will want only the best for it as well, and if that means not with you, then so be it"..that's one of those two cent lines like "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before"..hindsight is 20/20 and we can never go back....again anyother situation where you are just damned..having never loved you will always long to know what it is like to love, to experience the joy that is love...and having loved and lost gives the realization that you'd rather not...

so basically what I am getting at is I believe I may have given up on this whole situation...as much as I want it to happen, and as much as everyone is now suddenly believing in me as well, I think the towel will be thrown in...and maybe not just on this situation, but in the zenith of my career..it's gonna get lonely in here













"it always is darkest before it goes pitch black"

Black Friday...
even darker results...

So I'm not quite sure why things happen....

So continuing with the awake all night events, we made it back to Bloomington by 5, making excellent for the record. we were kinda thinking Best Buy was open, but who knows, this town is funny and doesn't like to do things normally. so we pull in and come to the realization that they are indeed open...the lot full of cars was the dead give-away. so mindy lets me out and I run in to grab the goodies..all I can say is swarms of people everywhere. I fought through lines to get the DVDs I wanted...and as I am getting an employee to get us the TV that's on sale Mindy finds me...so she gets in line, I wait for the guy to finish up...and go about finding a few other things..

well we waited in line for an hour and a half...and there was a confusion with the TV, cashier telling us to pick it up in the back, the guy in the back telling us to come back later and pick it up in the front...so mindy and I go home and fall asleep...well not intitially....

as we get to her apartment, we found out a few things..one, the heat needed to be turned on - seeings how it was only 56 in there..and two, the biggest of them all, our rats had babies...yup.

so we slept til 330, get ready and headed for work....and work was completely dead...I think I had only 6 tables...none at all for the final hour I was there..there was no wait, I had no tables, I was on the line cooking to be a smartass about things..and I was finally out of there by 915...making 40 dollars...

so I left to go back to Best Buy and pick up that TV...well I knew before even walking in there was going to be a problem, I just got these feelings...so there inevitably was a problem, they sold the TV...so they were scrambling to find one..and they did, the only problem was it was on hold for a lady already....but she was coming in to pick it up on December 1st....so they gave me that one in hopes they received a replacement in enough time for the other customer...and because I was "really nice about the whole thing" they gave me a $10 gift card, I thought that was cute of them..

so I get back to Mindy's, haul it up the stairs, and set it up...made myself a plate of food and then went over to Robert's for Poker Night Friday's...it got "interesting" slash stupid when Wil was betting retardedly without even looking at his cards..whatever, I got fourth out of 8, and only went all in after the fifth round of raising before the flop!!!

I stopped back home and made a phone call...only because she asked me to call her back after I was finished with poker.....well, either coincidental timing or just bad luck...but we "lost signal" (or maybe she hung up on me..it's hard to tell....) and just to make things clear to you, she asked me what I did for thanksgiving...I told her I went to Mindy's..and started rambling about other things just so she wouldn't get any ideas...so I'm rambling, and don't hear a response, look at my phone, and it's been disconnected for quite some time...how long I am uncertain, but Kitty more than likely heard the mindy part and that was it...

I tried calling her back several times, left two messages...we will just have to see what happens....

Random Date
Random Quote

Randomness leads to randomness

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a man, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn and you learn.

With every goodbye, you learn.













"My pants are on fire!"

First SNOW '05
Light but fallin'

As always I'm here to report the first snow fall of the year...

Well it started early this morning, somewhere around 6-7am...it wasn't anything powerful..just some flurry action; very light and faint, but definitely snow flakes falling...as the temperature dropped under 32 degrees in the afternoon, the snow continued

Half Gone..
..I can only hope for the best...

Knowing something bad should happen is like waiting for the door to open.

So November is halfway finished and I'm crossing my fingers for the rest of the month...I've made it this far, not saying it's all been a bed of roses, but I've made it this far. Of course we all know that the "November Breakdown" came after Thanksgiving last year...And we haven't even made it past the seventh yet....

so what to do with this wish-washy state of things..You got me, I'm just cruising along in the passenger seat of the ride asking if we can get off at the same stop. I really wish something would happen; be it good or bad, just something - the inbetween stage is not a good one, but it is far better than nothing at all.

so to put it nicely, "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" I've never quite made it to the top, only rested on the bottom admist the middle of nowhere and beats-me-ville..maybe if I were to achieve making it to the top I would be better off, like it more..but then again it is Jason we are talking about, so who knows...for all we know this may be as good as it gets...

it's really a weird place to be in, everything threatens your lifehood - you struggle for your existence when really, do you even have to? I don't recommend this to anyone, but maybe, just so others know what I am going through..

it's hard to make sense of anything, especially when nothing is expected, moods can change like the turning of the tides; it just happens and there are no foreseeable warnings...You battle and throw yourself out there day after day, to keep hold of the ground you had the day prior, but in reality your just retarding the ever eventual process of your elimination.

what do you do?

talking about it doesn't help, probably just makes things worse..but if it's the most apparent thing on your mind, just what do you do. You hope that by talking about things everything else will just snap and fall into place..And then you become so desperate you hope that "fall into place" is really a metaphor for anything more than what you have, good or bad, just something more.

Jason's getting a little frustrated these days, and the situation isn't helping. I'm thinking of doing really stupid things I know I'll just regret later..things that don't even make sense now, but it's something..something I think will ease the tension, but in reality would just mess me up even moreso.

and then there's an even bigger question of what to do with myself..let's not even go there now.

so this winter should be interesting...I hope for the best, but will assume it's not the case..soon it will be a new year...which means absolutely nothing.









" Living the dream baby, living the dream...if only"

Bright Eyes
All right

Spilt beers, broken drumsets, and a good time

all in all the concert was alright, it had it's moments, both good and bad. despite what some may think I don't think the openers were all that horrible...they were Conner's children if you will, carrying the same folky spirit of telling a song with just a guitar...I liked the first guy the best, the second dude was just lame though...

the harp intro for Bright Eyes was nicely done, and the use of many different musical instruments was what I appreciated the most. the song choice however, not so good.. I know I know, Bright Eyes has so many songs to choose from, how could you ever narrow it down to just an hour set, with a couple song encore as well...well to be honest, it sucked....seriously most of the songs they played were songs I would have hit the Next button on my winamp.

the closer, "Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and Be Loved)" was ridiculously amazing..props for the best closer ever..whodathunk to use a ten minute long song, actual album length ten minutes, no solos or anything like that, to close with..whatever it was cool, though I think they shortened it up just a bit..anyways it was awesome because Conner called out the openers to play with him, and there were at one point two and half drum sets with four drummers...whatever, overzealous use of the drums equals major fun in my book!

Conner of course was trashed by this point, and started to knock over the equipment...even better! so for those reasons, I think it was the best encore I've ever witnessed...

but the venue was too big, very intimidating to the openers, and you know..it's not the type of music you go to a concert for...there is no stage presence or performance, because these guys tell stories...you listen in and out of while you with your friends throwing back a gin and tonic...I would love to see any one of those artists in some dumpy night club, where they are within their element and then everything would be perfect.

so after the concert I went home with mindy, we were going to watch Memento, but that never happened, and thus you have it...my Sunday of no work and a concert.









"Soo I just paid nine dollars for this minisized snack of chocolate cookie dough balls?"

And it Begins...
The Start of Bad Days

So today was a completely horrible day..and I'm not really sure why...

as soon as I woke up this morning my joy was stolen..that and I kept waking up to random jerk offs talking loudly as they passed my open windows...you know there's nothing I can do, either keep my windows close and fry to death in the oven roaster called an apartment, or kick some landlord ass and have them turn off the god damned boilers....whatever..

so mindy woke up around noonish and was awake awake..kicked me out of bed to take her home...well that set me off in a bad mood...I had to gather my stuff and things I was going to need (i.e. shaving things and so forth) and to be blunt, I hate having to think things out in the morning/when I wake up..I like things to be habitual and to flow into place..having to get up so quickly and try to comprehend what I was going to need for the day rubbed me the wrong way...

and not to mention this is the third day in a row I have had really bad dreams...

so whatever...

I eventually make it to work, not in any good mood whatsoever...and there are a couple extras..I am sooo going home...but I am in the bar..I've never worked the bar section on a weekend night..so I decided to stay..EHHHHHH, wrong answer....I made a total of 50 dollars, had to put up with people trying to sit at my dirty tables so they could get "first dibs" on my tables, the loudness of everything, shitty tippers, and I actually got stiffed on a tip...not to mention I cut myself, lost my penguin button..and so forth...

fuck this day..

Marshall and Six Glasses...
..Mr. and Mrs.

so today was the much anticipated return to the hand state..or was it?

so the wake up at seven lasted for...a half hour, ending with mindy and myself going back to sleep..I was really tired, and I have to get up on my own accord, otherwise it's doomed from the beginning..anyways..I woke back up at noon...it was a little while later I actually got out of bed and made the comment we needed to be on the road no later than 1....

soo 2 rolls 'round and we are headed off..an hour late..or six hours late, whatever....so I drive and drive...and then there is a discussion..and it leaves both parties upset...hell, I was so mad I almost turned the car around (that was when we were in between Muncie and Ft Wayne.) so yeah, not a very fun trip up...

and when I finally realized where we were in location to where we needed to be (due to lack of a map...) I had to put it in overdrive...we were pushing it..but we could have made it on time..there was one point where traffic did come to a stand still, we were in one lane because a coil fell off of a truck..had that not happened I think we could have arrived right on time...

anyways, as we are approaching exit 36 I come up with the great notion to piss into a milk chug bottle...I had to urinate for the longest time, thought of that idea earlier, but didn't go through with it because I thought I could hold it...so I urinate into this bottle and I fill it up completely...a pint...a pint of piss...and I had to stop short because it was nearing the top...

so we park, get out and make our way into Schuler's..we are directed over to our table, Table 1 for the record, and we have a seat..now we are the youngest ones in the restaurant, I'm carrying the bottle of piss in my pocket to throw out, and the best part...our name tags have the same last name..that's right, Jason Angus and Mindy Angus...

so we go with the notion we are married, believe me this sounds a lot better after six glasses of wine, and I brilliantly take a key ring off of my chain and put it on my finger....

something goes array in the middle of the dinner and it comes out that we are not married, but apparently engaged, with a wedding date set of October 21st of next year...the table, who were completely awesome, toast to our marriage and lives together, they offer us some Alaskan cruise for our honeymoon, it was crazy...

the food was completely delicious, and the wine was pretty good as well...funny thing about the wine - they poured actual full six, or more, ounce pours..not samples...so I thought we were just supposed to try a bit with each meal..but as I finished my first dish, still with plenty of wine left over I look around only to find that not only our table, but the entire room is finishing off their portions..so we follow suit.

so

I'm Retarded...
..is it the right thing though?

So do I put myself through pain and hate myself now..or do I do it later, but feel all those things plus good now?

Anyways, today was lame..I worked in the morning, had a section in bianco (large parties) and I really didn't make much money, not for the work I did and the time I put in..whatever....I will note that certain people need to be called out on things...and what happened at work reminded me of an event that happened a few months ago..cryptic....

alright, so it's just funny that MB comes into work all dolled up, actually taking time and effort into looking really attractive for work..something she hasn't done in awhile..something she did after she "broke up" with me..also with the gratuitous touching of everyone around her..but not me...whatever

SO I go home, watch some episodes of Friends, fall asleep..7-10..wake up, shower, and continue to watch Friends...Mindy calls me and invited me over for food...I was starving. I go over..we dine, finish season 4 with Ross's wedding..and then we start to go to bed...

we were talking about things, she was asking about my date, and I did something...something I don't know whether or not is the best..I hate myself for it but it's the right thing? we were talking about things, me giving the standard I am still in love with you, her with the I don't have feelings for anyone right now..and then there was a pause, she started to talk and I got up and left. I explained to her as to why I was leaving, nothing against her..but if she wants me to get over her I would have to not continue to do this...the "friendship" is over...she didn't know what to say, I told her there was nothing to say, just act like you don't care and let me be...

she walked me to the door and asked if I was going to be ok...if I would be ok in the car to drive, she didn't want me freaking out..she said I had that look in my eye...

I gave her a kiss on the cheek and left.

make it home, it's 3am and then I decide to sleep with Andrea.













"It's OK, I'll just hate myself in three minutes - Why? - Are you kidding?"

I'm Not Coming Home Tonight...
Out, on a date...

Wait..didn't something like this happen back in march???

So I was at work today...whatever...but the funniest ting happened to me today..I was asked out..kinda. I didn't want to put too much thought into it, aka overanalyze it, but I knew it was something more than just hanging out....

This girl who just transferred from one of the Indy Ghetto Gardens asked me out. she did it all slyly, asking me what I was doing tonight, I thought nothing of it, people ask that all the time...my response was not working and so I asked her..she said she was going to eat with her girlfriends, but wanted to go out tonight seeings how she didn't get to go out the night prior but her friends did, and her friends aren't going out tonight..wow..

so I said something along the lines of sounds like fun...and she invited me to hang out with her...so even though I was a 12, I was still cut at 2...so before I left I gave her my business card with my cell phone number on it..it's a nice conversation piece about one of the many failures in my life...

so I went home..watched Friends..and waited. she called to let me know what the deal was and told me she would call me back when she got home from dinner....you know, if you look at it, this could very be one of the best setups ever..her friends take her out to eat, and I pick up where they left off...they do all the hardwork, and I have all the sex? HA

While waiting for the phone to ring in the predicted time area Elizabeth's car was "stolen", rather towed..so there was a much to do about that..the towing company took her car because the sticker the leasing place gave her finally expired and she never renewed it. well that was fun because when she called the towing company, they never answered, so she call the police..as the police arrive to make a report the guy from the towing place calls..he didn't know whether or not he had the car, he just knew he had a "purdy green one". he wasn't at the actual site, but would give a call when he returned..probably was out towing more cars..so when he did call back he claimed to have the "Saturin"..I was about ready to strangle him through the phone...

my call finally came in and so I headed over to Andrea's..funny because I drove, and she lives literally right around the corner...I waited for her to finish up and get ready..then we decided to walk down to Kirkwood and go to Kilroy's. we were there for a little bit just talking when Jim calls me and asks if I want to go bowling..hell yes bowling...so we walk back to the car parked at her place and go bowling...

I had the best game of my life, four strikes in a row and throwing a game of 188...ehh. while paying this really drunk older man comes up to me and asks if I could give him a ride..he hands me $10 and I agree..we take him over by the hospital..go back to park the car at my place and then walk back to Kirkwood. we had a large AMF, which we downed..then we had a kamikaze and then we started to dance..well I reluctantly pulled her out to the floor and I danced...

I was definitely feeling the alcohol from the night and she decided we needed more..she decided we needed to do a shot of Jack with a Margarita on the rocks chaser...are you kidding me...and I tried the margarita - for whatever reason it was really strong...so she took her shot, I just held mine saying, "you have me right where you want me..anymore alcohol will make me useless and annoying.." she I was rambling about my shot, and she just grabbed it from my hand and took it, and then downed the margarita..."now you're gonna be useless..." I want to point out the irony/foreshadowing...the guy whom we gave the ride to, his money was eventually used by us to get drunk...nice.

we ran into a couple of OG'ers..the funniest was Katie - she was just happy to see me out with anyone but Mindy..so we talked briefly because she said the girl I was with wanted me badly...she could tell by the way she was looking at me..I responded with, "you know who that is right? that's Andrea..from work" Katie couldn't believe it, "are you kidding me, she's frickin' hot..take care of that shit!" and so after that confrontation I knew for certain this girl was into me...so we decided to talk back to her place..

I stayed the night there,which was weird because she prefaced it with, "the only guys to ever stay in my bed, only two of them, I had been dating for awhile" yeah, put me in the awkward position..and so that was it..woke up in the morning and walked home..













"HELLO...wait wait what..I..just..I don't think you noticed but..."

I've Fainted...
from rockin' out so hard!

this is the first concert I've been to where the band has rocked out completely and played good music...

so my day was pretty much nothing, as usual..it was my day off and I took it in stride. I didn't pick up any shifts, main;t because nobody gives away day shifts, as weird as that may sound...so I slept pretty much all day..ok, well til 2, long enough.

I made breakfast and wondered if Mindy was going to return home..so I waited around for a bit and then decided to peace out, but then I realized something as I was getting ready...she accidentally took my phone with her, it was in her purse..because of the random switching the night prior, we never made the exchange back I guess? Anyways, my phone she still had..and on top of that, luckily for me, she forgot to take her phone with her...so I grabbed that figuring she wouldn't be back with her jam-packed schedule for that day...

we get in touch later that day..she couldn't take the early test for her class so she had to take it at the scheduled time of 7, and she thought she wouldn't be able to make it to the concert in light of that....but I just pushed back the time of departure for the concert til..whenever she was finished with the test. the concert started at 9 and was located at the Vogue, which is in the northern part of Indy..so it'd take a little over an hour, flying mind you, to get there...but going with the fact that concerts never start at their scheduled time because, well they're rockstars, I should be ok.

I picked up Mindy from the Chem building and we got on the road around 8ish...I think I was making pretty good time, we got to the place at 9:20..I suppose good for never having been there before..and just as we expected the concert didn't start til 9:45...oh, and there was confusion about waiting in line for cigarettes, but having to have cigarettes..whatever, Mindy was getting pissed at this chick and we just went upstairs..whatever, it was stupid.

VHS or Beta played a decent set..I got down, but I hate indy crowds..they are so pop-culture/mainstream/whatever is cool and popular we will follow bastards. they didn't get into the groove of the music...nobody was dancing. now I do partly blame a bit on the band itself, they really didn't connect with the audience..but it was hilarious to have the lead singer call everyone out on it though saying, "so there's this old folklore that if the audience doesn't dance for the faint's opening band the faint come in the middle of the night and kill them in their sleep..so all you mother fuckers better not go to sleep tonight cuz you'll all die" and then when "Night on Fire" was played the crowd started to get more into it..whatever you trendy lame ass fuckers.....

so then after a short intermission, with dancers?, it was The Faint's turn to rock the house down..oh and they did. I was really amazed by their on-stage performance; they were all into from moment one and lasted to the very last song...they were just ridiculous on stage...the synth guy dropped the mic at least four times, with it falling into the audience as well..and the bassist..I don't think he played more than 6 notes..it was just awesome. I was very happy because I believe they played my top 5 favorite songs of theirs, so I was very pleased.

We left, actually we left before the last encore song was completely through..which I'm not a big fan of, but Mindy's feet were swollen, and she was being moody, and had just been through a long, stressfilled day, so we left, got to the car and drove back home..but not before stopping at the 24Hour Hardee's!!! god it's like the only frickin' thing open 24, and Hardees? they are like only open between the hours of 3 and 7 Monday through Saturday and closed on Sundays...I'm just saying they have always had the wierdest times in the past..

so we got home, as I dropped every single thing I was trying to carry from the car into the apartment and that was the end of the night. I'd see The Faint in concert again anytime....












You know it's not only love dear.That can flip the switch up.You know it probably should be.Maybe god fucked it up.

People Are Shady...
..and it's starting to bother me....

So I've come to the conclusion that everyone is a bad person..

don't thank me for that analysis, thank all the fuckers around me who constantly screw me over time and time again..mainly that being female...



and maybe there may be an exception....but you know, even my own mother left me to drown..

so if you are female, and you want to be a part of my life somehow, as friends or whatever...there's gonna be a new screening process because I may say I hate people, but woman take the fucking cake..













"So did you plan on me not noticing and you'd replace your ignorance or just go on like it never happened?"

It's Mov-In(G) Time?
wouldn't that be something....

well that time has arrived, when Bloomington triples in size and the streets are crowded with fucks....

Luckily I had the day off...this would mark the first complete day off I have had all month, actually since July 29th to be exact but whatever. last Friday came close to me having a day off, but that was foiled when they decided to change the schedule and make me look like a fool..regardless I showed up and now we mark this monumentous occasion by not doing a damn thing all day. and I'm not quite sure about if whether or not I worked on that Friday the 29th...I could have hosted, but I do remember that was two days after the Black and White Lasagna Wine Dinner - the infamous one...

I got back home at 2, drove through the crazy traffic of everyone returning to town..I slept and ate all day..did my laundry finally at 7, watched TV, and believe it or not, just got out of the shower not too long ago...call it a late start on this day.

Went over to Jeremy and Darrel's, it was a house warming/birthday party...so I naturally brought a bottle of champagne ( I'm starting to have regular gifts/drinks/shots to buy for people.....) Arrived there around midnight, it was an intimate gathering but I liked it. I made some "hairy" rum and cokes for Alaina and myself..and those got me going...

we played jenga and talked and drank...I had some of the champagne, which when opened shot into jeremy's eye (obviously somebody didn't open it correctly)..and then I called it a night at 2am...I called mindy because I thought I bought a bottle of wine that she was looking for (but as it turns out I was wrong (go figure) I had the white zin and she wanted the red zin?) well I left a message, she called back right away and then I headed over to her place...

I also made a drunk dial to Brooke, finally having the nerve to call and say what I wanted to earlier...I don't think that went over too well, but what can you do..I got over to Mindy's and even though she couldn't tell I was drunk on the phone, as soon as I walked in my ass stumbling over the trash gave her clue number one..

so we ate, watched Friends, and then went to sleep...things aren't the same, and I wonder if she made a sacrifice when we were dating, or if she's now acting differently to throw me off...












I'm just setting you in your place....

First Blood..
..not Rambo..

So I had this random dream last night...but that's to say any of my dreams actually makes sense, especially as of late...

alright, I was in this library..but it was a really cool library because every book I picked up was a book I thought was good, a good book to me, or what I would think was a good book based on what it dealt with..anyways, the very last book I picked up, which I think I picked up twice was called "First Blood". Now I know what you are thinking, First Blood is the first Rambo movie...duh, but this wasn't about Rambo or anything close to that. it was kind in the same style as Ghost World..maybe bigger pictures? but monochromatic, just a blend..whatever...but the book was based about either the first time this girl had sex, or her first period...I can't remember, but the *what I think* was the last picture in the book was a bloody dildo? yeah, fucked up shit...

and all this happened right before the white entity with a shit eating grin that wouldn't leave tried to take over my body....


that's all for now....












"We all need, someone to bleed on..."

Itís HereÖ
November that isÖ

Well I just came to the conclusion that whatís going on now is almost an exact repeat of last NovemberÖawesome, letís watch.

For those of you who knew me last November, those were some good times..riiight. For those who were somehow involved with it last time - whether it was the cause of, or just watched it first-hand ñ maybe you can recollect what it took last time to get me out of this slumpÖ

I canít predict how badly this will all go; I would like to say that whatever doesnít kill you just makes you stronger..and just like when you burn your fingertips on hot plates, the first time it kills..but then, the more it happens, you just become accustomed to it ñ you build up some sort of tolerance to itÖI would like to think so in this case as well..

I mean last time there were a lot of factors involved, there were several parties, whether they knew it or not, a lot of things working against each other to make the outcome like it was. This time, a lot less variables and maybe, even maybe there might be some positive upstrokes occurring at the time as wellÖ.but you also have to note under what circumstances we are working under....the ìknown existenceî factor is on the complete opposite side of what it was before..

So when, where, and how everything will fall is beyond me ñ Iíll just keep doing the things I do to put me into situations such as this..and one day that syringe will bail me outÖ

I just see us as friends..

I can only see us as friends..

I still want to be friends..

I still want to hang out - and do everything we did before - but draw the line at friends..

I enjoy hanging out with you, watching movies with you, cooking with you, etc - but this time just as friends..

I just need ìmyî time..

I need to be single - I havenít been single for a looong time..










- Is there anything I can do to make you not sad, to make this better?
- Ummm, how ëbout the opposite of everything you just said..

I told you so..
I told you so..

I told you so..


I told you so..

I told you so..

I told you so..

I told you so..

I told you so..

I told you so..




And yes, those are all the accounts on which I told myself so currentlyÖ








We are now in Standby for Breakdown, commence when ready..

So I didn't go into work today. I was scheduled a double, but now I have as much time off as I need...this could take awhile

In other news I wasted the day away, continuing to drink ... starting at 1..passing out at 3 til 5 and regaining my marathon series by switching the discs over to MacGyver...

Talked to Brooke today, called her in some random moment..she kept checking in on me to make sure I was ok....but that was all before the boozing started...

Elizabeth came home, we went to Brave New Deli for dinner..and surprsing how one cup of soup filled me up tonight...

Continued with the drinking, continued with the MacGyver, continued with my horrible existence and confusion.

Started to watch some Unsolved Mysteries and then Elizabeth got a phone call..and I made a phone call...wondering if Mindy had any intention on actually calling me today like my note pleaded for.

We spoke, I asked if we were going to talk..I got the "talk about what..what's there to talk about" rant

Obviously she doesn't care about me, and never really did for that matter...she's out right now with her friends

I also made some other phone calls...I traced my problems back to Alaina..called her, she didn't answer, rightfully so, so I left a message condemning her for all the actions taking place and resulting on march 17th..saint patty's day..

Had it not been for her, I would have never left the house, never had directions to get to the party..and this..this would never have happened.....

But would I be a better person?

Worst Wednesday
Ever.

So you'd think, with me not working, a project finally completed that my day would be a day of rest and relaxation, but oh how that's never the case.

The day started out to be productive..I was cleaning up the place, putting things into place..then just after I broke some glass in my room Mindy called to tell me that the CD I made her stopped working after track 8..so I quickly made another copy and headed over..leaving the glass..

I got there after noonish, I stayed as she listened to the rest of the CD. She looked up the lyrics for all the songs while I was on my way over, something that wasn't supposed to happen, but I forgave her since the cd was ruined by the glue to hold the cd cover..

And then I just stayed with her..we hung out..went to Tortilla Flats with Will for our lunch, which wasn't that good...came back to her house, watched TV, then went to Target...

So everything has been fine up to this point, and I was actually thinking things would get back onto track with us, hanging out and all...and it gets better in my head when she says she doesn't really want to go out with her ritualistic Wednesday Half PriceIWine Gang..I'm thinking, awesome, I finally get to spend a night with her like old times, maybe we can work out the rest of the kinks and it'll be clear sailing....

So she calls, tells them she doesn't feel like going out, but then in some twist of events they tell her they are coming to pick her up..and she decides to go..as do I. she gets off the phone and tells me she's going..I pull out my keys and tell her I'm going as well..she thinks it is a little sudden and I just straight out tell her there's nothing left for me here...at no point did she ever invite me out to the wine thing, and I felt cheated by this..this stealing of my night with her...

So I peal out (though not really peal out, my car is incapable of doing so since it now has the "right" power system in it..) So I get home, slightly in tears, holdinI back as much as I can..I peak into Elizabeth's room and I notice she's crying as well...so I walk in to get her attention, proceed to chuckle as I state how I liked the fact that we were both in the same kind of mood...I then call amber, who was also crying and then I realize just what a wonderfully rockin' Wednesday it really was..after all that settles I send a text message to mindy saying how I was a fool, and now upset..no reply..I'm thinking she can no longer receive text messages since she has yet replied to any that I have sent in the past couple of days..so an hour later I give a call..no answer.. and leave a message...

then I start drinking while watching High Fidelity..good choice huh...so 2:30 rolls around, no call, and my drunk ass decides to call her and see what the hell is up...she's still out but just about to head home...and she drank, which in the grand scheme of things pissed me off more, seeings how she said she didn't want to drink..but then she did..and I was unable to control any rational emotions in the state I was in..laying on the floor of my closet...

So she gets home and calls me, whether she had intentions on calling me that night or not before I called I'll never know. I wanted to talk in person, which I really didn't want to go to her for..me thinking on the right side for once...and she doesn't drive after one alcoholic beverage, even though she was fine to drive, that's her rule....anyways, I couldn't let her know of the state I was in, so I just usedIsome other excuses, which by all means were true..I was dressed for bed, and was in bed, and had to make sure my roommate was up at seven seeings how she passed out on the living room floor without an alarm...

So I finally crack and tell her we need talk, whether on the phone or not, we just have to..so we did..and it was retarded.

I'll throw out some stupid fucking cliche lines such as "I just want to be friends" "I think that's all we can be" "I still want to hang out with you" "please I don't want this to be awkward at work" and so forth...

And just as I am stunned by all this, trying to "sell" this relationship to her (in my mind that is) she decides after a little bit to finish this tomorrow...this coming after I tell her I'm not coming into work because I don't want to see her, I can't handle this all right now, how we never even gave the "relationship" a chance, it's not going to work out, yadda yadda yadda...

I was too worked up to go to sleep, yet too alcohol settled complacentence to go for a walk...I just laid in bed til the final restlessness was kicked out of me and I went to sleep...

Broken..
Computers, hearts, idealsÖ

From the looks of things, itís not gonna be goodÖ.

So I have made myself a project, with it a timeline, though it really doesnít matter, isnít imperative onto anyoneís existence, but more likely destructive..whatever, itís stupid..and youíll get your copy.

So after work I wound down meeting two coworkers for lunch, driving around in a convertible no less? Whatever, after that break from things, I got right into action..went out and got a new burning program seeings how mine all suck, yes even Nero, which I have promoted since the ages, but whatever, it only likes MP3 files and doesnít not allow for any sort of transitioning or blendingÖ

So then I got home, and worked on getting the right tracks on the disc, in the order I wanted, along with all the blends and everythingÖthen I started working on a label? Yeah, so there was this label creator option..iíve never done that before but why not..letís step up my game, as if my normal compilations CDís donít rock shit as it is, letís good all balls out and make a cover for this shit!

Well my only problem is, I donít have a printer, in fact this house doesnít have a printer in it at all..and all my colligate buds are back homeÖwell ironically enough Mindy calls me, asking me about my pink jacket..so then I ask her if I could actually use her computer, of course she has no problem with thisÖ

So I eventually make my way over there and as I get into her room thereís this stigma in the air, her roommate is on her bed, mindy at her computer and myself just standing thereÖI felt like something was up, like, ìwhat the fuck is HE doing here..î

So I get on the computer, and thereís a problem..the CD I put in the drive isnít starting up..and then I try to go to ìMy Computerî and there isnít a single CD on this thing..now, just to give you a run-down, I installed a CD-RW into her good computer out of her old computer..but now, neither drive is workingÖ

So everything of mine is now on hold. I must fix this problem that I am sure I createdÖ.it gets better when I ask for a screw driver to open the case..she tells me to get it out of the little chest at the bottom of the stairs..i go down to search for it and low and behold, what do I findÖthe present I gave her one week priorÖ

--I was on a break from working a double at the OG on this particular TuesdayÖI stopped by, because I wanted to see mindy, and I also had a little present for her from my recent region trip. I went inside her place, handed her the gift, she got excited and literally in the same motion without hesitation threw it to the side. Now let me explain, we were standing next to the stairs, and that is where she tosses everything for itís ìon the way upî place..but still, I was in shock, and she was like, did I really just throw thatÖ

so back to today, I come a week later and the gift was still in the same place it was left..awesomeÖI just put it back in my pocket and wondered was this CD project really worth it? The only reason why I stayed is because I needed to fix her computer..well that and I really did want to get this CD done and over with..i kept saying to myself earlier how it would go into the pile of the greatest things I never didÖ

Well needless to say I never got the computer back to normal..it was nearing 2 when I gave up on everything and decided to leave, mindy was getting ready for bed anyways..but the walk to the door was probably the worst part of the entire day..knowing I was leaving, not staying, not going to join her in a nightís sleep, knowing I was going to an empty bed, and would wake up alone, instead of fighting off the heat.

I got to my car struggling..it took me longer than it should have to get inside, and once the door closed the tears formed and rolled. Quickly I jerked my head and made myself stop, stop the foolishness. I asked what purpose did I have for those actionsÖwhat main reason was big enough to cause that..sure many little things built up at that pointÖbut there was no reason, least I didnít want there to beÖ

I got home, sent some text messages, apologizing for the breaking of her computer, and tried to go to sleep..as I laid in my bed, tears started to reform, and again I was quick to dismiss them based on ignorance. Part of me wanted to call someone to talk to..but the other part thought it was way too lame..there was nothing to say, nobody would want to hear it, donít bother with other peopleís time ñ especially at 230 in the morning. So I cursed myself to sleep.













"computer restart noise.."

Father What?
Hoosier Daddy?

A holiday Iíve never recognized, not with family, extended family, or friendsÖ

I worked just this morning, which was fine by me, especially after what happened at work the few hours I was there. In retrospect I did say it didnít matter what kind of day I would have to end the week, the night prior I made $170, twenty of that from the morning, the rest all from the night shiftÖ

But I had a mere five tables all dayÖthree during the rush for about 2 hours, and then got double sat after that, once the lobby was emptyÖthat was enough for me to actually vocalize my distain to the hosts. I had my favorite section, chianti 3 ñ my middle table was moved over to join a party, which I wasnít apart of. So I still had two tables remaining, both booths..one a two top, the other a classic four. However I still only saw one table at a time during this entire rush period.

I originally took post at my normal spot ñ at the POS terminal at the in door..and I told the hosts, whenever you go ahead and seat me, just turn the corner and let me know, so that they can get greeted in a timely fashion since I was not moving at allÖbut then I finally got sat, and I didnít feel like sitting there anymore, my absentminded state figured it would be beneficial to run food for the restaurant. And I did just that. There was one point where tom, who was expoíing, asked if I had any tables, I told him just one, he was astonished.

And then once the rush was gone, business had declined, cuts were to be made, the back door opening..i get double sat, for no reason. So after I got my guests settled with salad or whathave you, I went to the host stand and put in my compliant. I even went so far as to tell them I was not going to take another table for the rest of my shift (I wasnít a closer, so this really shouldnít have been a problem) and the funny thing was, the hosts understood my pain, and were ok with my statements..whateverÖ

Until..christine, who was the impeccable seater last night who kept me full and inturn allowed me to make as much as I did, tried to seat meÖthey didnít want me open table, so she took them to a booth just round from my section and asked if I could pick them up..she was there for my ìno seat meî rantÖbut I think she was just trying to keep me full again like she did for me last nightÖgranted this is 3:30, and I am for whatever reason still on the floor.

So I greet the table, get their drinks, and am literally pissed as hell..so as I am walking away to get them a kiddy menu, Mindy (of all peopleÖ) comes up to me, and asks if I am taking that table or what..well it turns out that table is in her section..and sheís a closerÖso why did the hosts ask me to pick it up..because theyíre fucking retardedÖ

Mindy took the table, I donít know whether to be nice since she saw how pissed I was, or just because it was supposed to be hersÖwhatever the case it was off my back and I got out of there moments later.

Moving MondayÖ
Here today, gone todayÖ

Canít really talk too much, in the middle of this tremendous move..

Alright, just some quick info..got a place to live in over the weekend..went to work this morning, and it just came to me as Matt walked by that he had a newly purchased SUV..so when I asked if he wouldnít mind helping me move just two items, he asked if I worked tonight, I didnít, so he LENT me his vehicle for the night..this thing isnít even plated yet..are you kidding me?

So yeah, I moved basically everying, with little help from anyone, but a lot has been switched over..and set into place as wellÖ

Another 48 Hours..
and we do it all again

Another week down..more overtime..but tomorrow's another week...

as I clocked out today at 4:30, I was officially at 48 hours, funny no...but what is funnier is the fact that they asked me to bus tonight..I told them I would only if they couldn't find anyone else..I started to feel somewhat bad about being so vagrantly in OT..and then getting twelve dollars and hour to bus..I just couldn't deal with that kind of pressure....

so I returned back here...didn't know quite what to do, then I randomly fell asleep...woke up, started going through paperwork..and yeah

then craziness happened...everything was a blur for three seconds, the most intense three seconds ever, but it happened and half was a lie, so we're all good....

in light of all that, tried to talk to Mindy, but we had a slight scuffle, wherein I was playing a major ass, feeling "sorry" for interrupting her talking to someone else when she was the one who called me back...I left a message saying, world's colliding, people's lives are at stake, call when you get a chance..then she calls, talks for a couple minutes, then tells me she'll call me later because she's in the middle of another conversation....are you kidding..fuck that...so I just hung up the phone..I fucking hate bitches...bitches in the sense of those types of bitches..the normal type of bitches that people hate, I like...like Kendall, love her to death...

anyways...so now I am trying to figure out what to do..just got off the phone with Amber...played the guitar..feeling somewhat artsy..but don't know what to do..paint? go for a walk...but nothing is really on my mind to talk about..and there's nobody left to talk to...maybe I'm just excited about moving..but that will be four seconds of short-lived happiness..then I'll realize I'm living in the same town, with the same people, work at the same place, and will inevitably go home to the same person I don't want to...awesome...

so this is where I am, it's half past midnight, I've typed in my blog as my artsy thing to do..and now..go to sleep?? I've got an early start tomorrow..breakfast and all...and my double..and who knows what else....












"kill me now kill me now kill me now kill me now..."

It's the First...
..in several ways...

ahhh, a day off...I forgot what those were like..not so much....

So today was my day off, the first day off since last Monday...thirteen or so shifts later and here I am now...I had a "good" evening last night, you know, wanting to go out is good right? and in light of everything that went on last night (the little alcohol I had and the mass debating, or rather discussions) coupled with the fact I got to sleep in, I did just that..I slept in....

I didn't really accomplish much...I did call BankfuckingOne about my god damned title for my car...I didn't get my oil changed though, the coupon expired yesterday...but I did do my laundry..and I did buy more undershirts and black socks...and I did price my camera to get repaired...and I even went ot Kroger to Rock My Thirst...but it wasn't until 8 or so when I realized today was the day that I actually had set aside for other things...so now I am a little upset, but what can you do..

but check it out, this will be my second post for the day..I accomplished one when I woke up, how bout that for not doing anything..yeah, that's what I thought..

so that's basically it..I think I'll stay in tonight, I did try to go miniature golfing, but they stopped taking golfers at 8:15 for some lame reason, so I knew none of my girls would have time to get ready...so I was left with nothing...Mindy called me a little bit ago to invite me over for some cook-out thing with her and some co-workers...god, I really hate people...especially the ones I work with, I just don't get it..you see them at work, do you really need to see them outside of that place? whatever, they can all get food poisoning for all I care..

and on that note I'm going to watch a movie...have anything in mind..Dave?













"wake up wake up wake up, it's the first of the month...so get up get up get up..."

OG Bowling...
a Tuesday Night Thing...

an act of socialness sparked on by...

So I worked a double at the OG today, yeah, no biggie, it was my second in a row..and my last day off was last Monday..whatever..I can handle it...so I'm working the night, and Leah comes in, so to be a nice person I go over to her table and say hello, that is when I remember she's still here..and she automatically asks me, "are you down for some bowling tonight"..are you kidding me..of course I am....

so after that point my night had a purpose, I went around trying to gather the masses and inform them of the glorious events that we would be partaking tonight..

besides doing that the night was a little slow..my favorite table of the night were these two girls..and the story goes, they walk in the door and Amanda tells Shera to go to either Cassidy or Tina with them..after I just got done telling them I had two tables open..and they were girls..so I mumbled something of the sorts to Amanda and then she blurts out..oh wait no..go to Jason....like that wasn't obvious..whatever..I waited on the girls, it was delightful..but then one of them found a piece of plastic in shrimp alfredo and I had to get a manager to comp her half of the meal...the funny part was when the manager tom came back to me saying he had a hard time trying to look them in the eyes..haha, yeah..anyways, when it came down to it, they both left me ten bucks for my tip..so I made twenty dollars on one table..whose bill ended up being twenty-two..it was sadly the first double digit tip of the evening....

so I walked out making the same amount I made at lunch, both times just slightly above what I project to make, and just slightly shy of what I aim for..what I was making last week..so I get home after racing Darrell, change clothes, and then go to pick up Mindy and her roommate Jen to go bowling...

after a loooong wait for Mindy to get ready (which I didn't understand because she was just out prior to that with Jen and her brother out to eat at Bdubs..) we finally get going and make it to suburban lanes..walk in the door and instantly I got my two cups of beer ( I'd hate to use the term double-fisting...especially right after mentioning two girls names..but yeah,. that would have been funnier...) another funny thing was we actually saw Mindy's brother and his friend at the bowling alley as well..huh, small town.. so we wait just a little bit for one of the games to end and then we get in...

I had a good time, I got my strike for Jim like he asked...but right around that beer frame I knew I was definitely feeling it...just as I started to get the groove of it all, it just as quickly diminished into alcohol...so after our game was finished and the lane we had next to ours was finished we all decided to go back to *creepy* Steve's..

and there is when drunk Mindy and I laid on the floor and talked...and it wasn't good talks...and of course I asked can we go home now..and lucky for me it wasn't too long after that everybody started peacing out anyhow...

so I drove Mindy and Jen back to their place *note, I realized I shouldn't have been driving when I got to a light downtown, stopped, and was looking ahead at all the other streetlights and they were everso lightly swaying and bouncing around...but whatever, I know how to drive in most conditions, especially in my car..it's the one thing..

so we get to her place, and I let them out and of course I just want to go home now, I mentioned earlier how we weren't going to the same places tonight..hell, the start of the evening as I picked them up I said that..funny how things can turn out to be..almost right. well I wanted to...but she wanted me to stay..and I figured we could possible talk some more, or get something accomplished..figure out why she wants me to stay after saying all those things earlier...

whatever..no talks were ever made..confusion still has ransacked my mind, and I have nowhere else to go...but at the same time I kinda do..











"you know you're drunk when you're throwing gutter balls..."

Again.
It's what you want

something short and sweet, unlike my day..

so what did I do all day..work..yeah, I worked right through my spilt..Matt and I rocked out all day and part of the night, we had a good time, but then night came..and it got busy, but you would never know from my section...for whatever reason I had tables open several times throughout the night..and the best was when Mindy was getting swamped with her large tables, and she was recalling all the shit for her three tables and then I walked up and went, look at this, swiped my card to recall my tables and it read, no tables are open for this operator..she was like, are you kidding me? it was great..

and I refused to run any food, we had three people doing "Hot Food Go" shifts, so there should have been no reason for anyone else to run food, but constantly ther was food piled up on the line..it was retarded...

I worked through because I was originally a split, and when I was cut at 2 I had only $35..by 4:00, the time I was supposed to get back on I probably was up to $50...and by the time I walked out at 10 tonight I had $130 in my hand.. how I made that much more in that time with hardly being sat is beyond me, but whatever I'll take it...

and now, to get some rest and do it all again tomorrow....













"wait..I have to draw you.."

Simple As This..
short.

All I know is I worked one shift tonight, not a closer but had the last two tables, was the last out at 1045 and brought home hundred and one dollars...turning down all offers to go out and turning in the sheets..













"got stains on my T-shirt, and I'm the biggest flirt..."

Bowling?
free?.

and dollar beer..are you kidding me?

honestly, what better way to end a a whole day of working than bowling when your feet hurt, and drinking til you're tipsy and have to be at work at 11am the next day..awesome I know. anyways, work was fun, not really..I came in at 10:45 and work til close, then come back at 5 and work til close..and the best part was, I wasn't considered a split..awesome, so I had to work til close both times..whatever.

So I get there, late, whatever, there's now construction going on the route I usually take to work..yeah, the road is closed til July or so. so yeah, I get

Funk that Sauce...
and funk everything else...

ughhh, people...people are .... selfish.

Alright, so how did things go last night? I'll tell you how, fucking retard...it started out with a call, must have been 2 or something, whatever the case I was already laying down and just passed out..so the call; it was supposed to be one of those "serious talks", and I had already thrown in the towel for the day, but I went along with it..luckily for me the phone absolutely sucked balls..whatever the reception we had going on it was horrible..I could only make out every fourth word, everything else was really quiet and muddled..so the conversation had to end, I was tired and tired of trying to strain my ears to piece together some illogical argument for her being two-faced..or something

so I tried to play the good role and said that the conversation was going to end simply because we can't hear each other and this is getting stupid, so we can end it now and go to sleep, or if you want you can come over and we can finish this....well I wasn't really expecting her to come over, I mean she was already in bed, or so she said...and I certainly wasn't going anywhere..last time this happened I went ot her...plus I was already sleeping, so yeah..

so she came over...and we almost went to sleep without ever talking about anything...then we did...and it didn't end..we just talked, no resolution..no good...but we both went to sleep and I went to work in the morning...

I got cut early, after my second table, but I stayed because I wanted more tables, and money..I worked through my split and then mindy got on..all was well for the better half..and then something came up and I started talking about my "poll" to some of the co-workers..and though they saw both sides of the argument, they agreed I was in the right to feel the way I did. so in passing I randomly said that I had tree more people of my audience who agreed with me...and that's when things got shitty...

she asked a mutual friend, and of course they sided with her, and then we argued about it..I tried explaining that they were seeing it from a paper-standpoint..in theory, on paper, there shouldn't be a problem here...but this is reality and communism doesn't work..other factors are involved..apparently everyone on the other side fail to see that...

whatever, so I got cut, we tried to talk some more, and then she starting getting upset, almost crying at work? yeah whatever..so I left, went home, ate a bowl of cereal and passed out..I'm doing my laundry, I just took a shower and I received a call from her just bit ago....

ok, to piss me off for starters, she asked if I was going to Upland..look, I don't like people, I don't like large groups, I don't like bars..I've done it before to give it a shot, but I could care less for it..don't fucking bother me with your stupid meeting of the masses bullshit...and then she asked if we were going to talk later tonight..and frankly I don't are..I told her that..whatever, I don't care..she didn't like...

so now I am wondering just how does one go about telling someone, who is genuinely nice, to fuck off and die in so many words..to tell them to get out of your life, you don't want to speak to them again, you don't care to see them again, in passing you may nod, but that's it, their existence is null and void to you..they are completely inconsequential and you want to go on living as if they are not...without being a complete dick?

I fear a call or visitation tonight.....













"whatever : oh gee, that's a good attitude to have towards this : ohok - wait, did you notice the change in the tone in my voice, no, cuz there was none, cuz I really don't care"

Awkward Moments..
just normal in an awkward life....

what a fucked up day..if we never questioned things, things would be a lot simpler...

so the day started off as they all seem to..not really wanting to get up, get up early that is, and pushing it til the I hear the sound of money in my ears...I didn't get to go to any of the garage sales like I had "planned" on doing..but then again I kinda got to a late end the night prior by jabbering endlessly on these keys...anyways, I got to work..

I had four tables all day, I was cut at 1 so that does make a a difference, but I was one table sort of making a straight..the bills ranged in the twenty dollar area, and my tips were as follows: 2.oo, 3.08, 4.00, and 5.00..had I got one more table and they left me a one or a six, I would have had one hell of a hand...almost all suited too, had it not been for that .08...

so I was cut, drove past the yardsale that was supposed to be phenomenal, but it wasn't, and went home...pieced together the rest of the tent and that's when shit went south...

I called Mindy like she asked or whatever..and during our little conversation she asked if I was coming to the parties with her tonight..I probably would have, but there was something lingering on my mind that didn't settle right with me...I played dumb and was just making remarks about the party she was invited to, by random guys...well I got her to say she gave the guys her number..and that's what set off a moment of retardedness...

of course if you know the situation very well, then you might be able to deduct what my problem is...whatever....basically I don't like bitches I be fucking to give their digits out to random fucking frat boys who are throwing a party..especially when you're intoxicated...

of course people have different opinions on the reasoning behind a party; but it all depends on what type of party we be talking about here as well....one of those typical "college" parties, you know, the kind where there are kegs..and a lot of people..those are to hook up wit someone...now the parties I used to throw on Wednesday nights, those were never "parties" in the typical sense, henceforth why I called them social gatherings.."hooking" up wasn't a priority, just hanging out in a relaxed setting was the main goal..except for when we got down and dirty on the dance floor..it was about that too...

but as for most of the other parties thrown in Bloomington, and elsewhere for that matter, the purpose is getting some. those who host the party want to invite as many girls as possible, to better their odds that the one bitch who gets belligerent;y drunk and fucks anything will come to their party..they got to better their odds..and those attending the party..well the guys are trying to get to that girl before the hosts..and the girls...well I used to have an opinion on this, but from the girls I have spoken to, they all seem to think that going to parties is a fun event...they don't think about hooking up...I'd call them liars, but I don't want to make that statement yet...most girls are sluts, so they also want a hook up, whether it be a one night stand, or actually find a guy to date, they want something...

and there you have it....I have no problem with my girls being social, I have no worries from them...it's guys I worry about....I fucking hate and can't trust guys..I know their motives, their rationale, what they want...but I respect my broads freedom and allow them to go out without my supervision..and in this most recent case, it's because I trust them..I know they won't try anything with someone, no matter how hard the guy is pressing...but then with this random number giving out..it blow the door of trust right out the window...

I don't care who you are...if you are going to get upset because I talked on the phone to a female co-worker I said was cute, or because I went on a pretend date with a co-worker to a steakplace that we have had planned for a long time...get upset over that, knowing we aren't dating exclusively, but still get upset...and then you give out your number, while drunk, to some random fuck on the streets who was talking to you, inviting you to a party, with the intent of getting into your pants..and then wonder why I am taken aback by it all and won't go to the party with you...ughhh..fuuuuuck you.

so we tried to talk it over, but I told her I don't do serious conversations mid-day..that's just stupid...in my mind you go through your normal daily process, you let the gears go in motion, your habitual patterns go on..then the night comes, your mind is now free from the mundane shit and it cane do whatever it wants...then is when you talk about anything and everything...don't ruin your day with stupid shit...wait til it's all over, keep it bottled up, process it in your mind, get your thoughts ready, then let them loose under the moon..

so we left it at that..we both went to work later that day and she told me not to make things awkward at work..excuse me, umm, is my name Jason Angus..and is this not my life..oh right, every situation ever has been awkward, that's just how it is...you can't change that...so at work I was able to actually make eye contact..though I jokingly gave her evil glares, my only response, I had nothing else..and random mean comments..like when she told me, "for the record I did invite you to the parties tonight" I respond with" for the record I did tell you to fuck off and die"..and then she goes into well I was serious about mine..where I retort with me too....

yeah that's how things were...she tipped me out and said goodbye..I just looked..took a moment and then said goodbye..and that was that, no "call me" or anything of that nature..very interesting...oh, and this I believe is my very last official bussing shift? I looked at next week's schedule and under busser I am no longer listed..kinda scares me, kinda makes me happy...

so yeah...that's all for now...time for bed and do it all again tomorrow....













"Get out of my way..and get out of my life"

Fire Before the Flood..
or is it smoke before fire?

well, nothing to start off your day than waking up at 6am with your back completely wet, you delirious, and wanting more sleep...

so yeah, that was basically the sum of the events of my day...and it happened within the wee hours of the morn. I don't know what woke me up, but I definitely noticed the wet side of my boxers first..it wasn't until I rolled around and finally got out of the tent did I realize my back was soaked as well...I felt around in the tent, trying to gather what was going on..and why was the wetness in one spot..for a moment I actually thought I pissed myself silly in the middle of the night..but it wasn't, I even check for a smell..nothing.

I tried to walk around the tent, to the back, but lord knows no light gets in there...then I managed to stumble up the stairs and take a piss...Jim was there, all I remember was a red blur and he was happy...I got back to the tent, stripped down, and fell asleep...

went to work, as a server..had only three tables, but made twenty-nine dollars..I took an eight top by myself - shhhhhh. so work was lame, I was there til 1 or so, then I got cut...made it home round 2, and decided to take initiative on the tent situation...it wasn't until I tore the basement and room/tent apart that I realized something...the tent is waterproof..and the tent sits on a tarp..on top the ground..and even if water were to get on top of the tarp somehow, it wouldn't affect a thing...the entire tent is waterproof, especially the bottom - I mean hell, it's supposed to sit on the ground for crying out loud.

so that's when I realized, if the bottom, or floor, or the tent is waterproof, in the traditional sense you would think of it keeping water out...BUT, if water were to get inside the tent, the floor would act in the same manner..keeping water from escaping..which then reminded me of the other night a cup of water getting spilled in the tent..I didn't see how much water was in the cup, figured the blankets would soak it up..but nope, that didn't seem to be the case...granted that was awhile ago, it's my only justifiable allegation...

why did the water stay in there so long - and why didn't I notice it sooner...well second question first..I hardly ever stay the night at the house anymore, so staying in the tent just isn't that common place any more..and as for water staying so long - I give reason because it's a basement..there is no breeze, no draft, no airflow...that coupled with the fact that it's in an even smaller enclosed area, the tent, which would block out any sun/wind/whatever..and the heating blankets are off..so yeah...

as for the rest of my day, I made it through half of cleaning and re-organizing the basement..well greater than half, I'm just letting everything air out, then I throw all the blankets and whathave you back in the tent..and we are set to jet....

but in between washing and moving things I did some crazy things as well..first off I started to reorganize the living room and dining room..wasn't that difficult, just some shit out of place that made it look really bad..and then I swept, and good god did it need it..you can totally tell a difference from before and now..from the huge piles just from the two rooms I can tell it has been a long time since it has been done, probably since the last time I did it...and then I did a load of dishes..and put them away...I don't know what got into me...but let me just say for the record..as soon as I started going, things people have been getting away with started to piss me off again...like the whole dishes in the sink thing...look, we have a dishwasher, it's there to wash the dishes..you claim to wash and reuse those dishes, but as for wash...no, I won't touch that stuff sitting there until it goes through the dishwasher..and as for reuse, hunny, then why do you have like seven forks and three cups in there..obviously we don't know the meaning of the word, reuse...

but whatever..Mindy helped and since I told her if she was nice I may actually be sociable and hang out with a group of people for the evening..I had to make a stop at target and tidy up some ends before I headed over..she cooked diner and all was well...well, except for a phone call I made., and that of course is my fault.

I called Vince to get some specifications on apartments/houses for this upcoming august (or maybe sooner) he said the closer to campus the better, naturally. and I reminded him of the cost factor increasing the closer you get to actual campus...it didn't hit me then, maybe an hour or so later, right at the end of dinner, but it hit me, my problems of the past, my problems before with living on my own, and ties the restrain me from moving on...and so what seemed to be a promising night of non-antisocialness, turned into the contemplative quiet Jason night..

whatever...so now since my room is "under-construction" I will be spending yet another night at Mindy's...











"the trouble I have is, I can't officially make my island because I'd need the help of another"

OG After Hours...
the bar crawl...

because when you're here, you're trashed....

nothing

wine tasting

grill

Bahama McBreezey
a quickly long day...

so two things happened that took all day long, and it really shouldn't have...

ok, so I worked in the morning, I wasn't a closer so I figured I'd be cut by 2, and I was cut at exactly 2 - and at that time one of my tables was getting up, the other two had their food, so we were good...there was a plan to go to Bahama Breeze and I was hoping to make it as well..

work went very well..even though I had only six or seven tables I still made forty bucks in the almost three hours I was there..and I even had one guy, my second to last table, tell the hosts as he left that I was the reason he was going to come back - you see, you got really pissed off at me when I brought him his tea, and it wasn't sweetened, and I told him sugars are on the table....well he is from the south..South Carolina that is, and there the tea is sweetened..he was about ready to walk out on me at that point but his girlfriend restrained him. so after that gloriousness my day at the OG was over...

I went home, changed everso quickly and headed off to Lauren's where I met up with Lauren and Mindy; I was joining them for lunch..and that's where the long-windedness came into to play...the drive took forever - and nobody had any idea how to get there...I had my employee paystub so I had that part covered, somebody should have ad the directions, especially since it was their idea...whatever

we drive through all of Indy getting there - god I hate Indy - but luckily we made it there, I think 2 hours later then when we left...Bahama Breeze is a little bit different, they had a huge drink list, which of I only tried three drinks. the food was alright, yeah it was good..about the same pricing as OG, just a tad more expensive since you have to add on a salad or soup to your meal..all in all it was good..oh yeah, the bathrooms are amazing, no joke...

so we left, I was a little intoxicated from my drinks..of course I went to the bathroom as we were leaving and when I got out nobody was around so I had to try and find my way to the doors..and ended up walking through the actual bar and line...I was so confused..the ride home consisted of my being belligerent for the first 20 minutes, then passing out for the next two hours, yes it took us another two hours to get back because they got lost again...just because it says exit 37, doesn't mean it is highway 37...whatever,

we got back, Mindy took me home, later we to the grocery store to buy ice-cream, which was the intent of the trip but we bought a lot more than that..and you know what, I never did eat that ice-cream...oh, and I still have no idea where my car is...












"Why don't you go run out in front of that car with your pants down like that" - "I can't, my lane ends..."

Better Mood...
Not going anywhere....

so I had lifted spirits for the better half of the day, til my last table...

I didn't get much sleep last night, what with the staying up and watching About Schmidt - by the way, awesome movie..I couldn't have picked a more timely movie..I cried - and all the drunk dials I was receiving, not to mention getting annoyed with nonsensical talks at 5am..whatever..I woke up, not wanting to get up, but I did..got to work and just started to rock it..and rock out...

for whatever reason waiting on people puts me into some weird mood..but a better one..dealing with people's stupidity, their bullshit, their shortness, the attitude..whatever, I like it. so I stayed to close for Cassidy, we love to hate one another, it's fun, and then Jake paid me to take a table..funny thing about that table...it ended up being my last, even though it shouldn't have been, they should have been out before the others..let me explain...well they were a nice old couple, and I thought there wasn't going to be a problem..then the ticket got lost..so I kept checking in on them, but they didn't have food, and I kept saying, it should be up any moment..then I find out the ticket is nowhere to be found..so they got their food, then they order dessert...I drop the check later and as I pick it up, the bill for 31.27 had a twenty, a ten, and twenty-seven cents...the stiffed me not only a tip, but a dollar as well..stunned by this I didn't react too quickly, but LuLu told me I should chase them down, so I run out of the restaurant only to not find them...

so I could be a non-cynic and say they meant that 10 to be a twenty and leave me a good tip..but whatever..it ruined me and I left not happy..I didn't make anything for tips anyways, but whatever. I went home on that note and passed out....I was rudely awakened by a phone call, they didn't leave a message and I didn't recognize the number..so I unnaturally got up...I haven't done much of anything since..and that was 8..and my day is now officially over..I'll see what's on the docket for later...goodnight.













"I hate stupid people - because they suck; they fucking suck;they fucking suck my balls!!!"

Recovering...
from stupid things...

Yesterday was by far the worst, and only horrible, Friday the Thirteenth I've ever had..what's the fuck?

Work was completely stupid..I didn't want to be there...it wasn't busy at all, and there were four other bussers working that night as well..yay....so then towards the end of the night my foot starts killing me - it started getting bothersome towards the very end of the long walks in Chicago, but quickly went away as I got into the car and drove off...But tonight, pain..pain..I was literally walking around with a gimp - it was like I was doing a Tom impersonation..anyways, I asked Damion to let me leave before him, he was next in line, then it was my turn, the second to last to leave..I explained how I very rarely ask for favors and it's usually I who ends up staying for others..I also said this would be fair game since I have now had to stay longer for him on two separate occasions because he's a fucking spaz...well, you know what he said, no...because Friday nights were the only time he gets to spend with his wife...I instantly got pissed and made the announcement, from that day on - when I'm serving and he's bussing, I will not tip him out..and if he makes it to be a server, I will not help him out in an way shape or form, let alone take a table with him.

seems a little abrupt, but that's how I am starting to be..more and more jaded. all too often I have let things go on and on..people constantly taking advantage of me and my niceness - yes it's there..I can't say no to a sad/lame story. so three strikes, he's out..and I don't care how "good" of a busser he is..fuck off...I'm tired of people not paying me back for things I've done for them.....

so I came home, after 11, and just wanted to be alone...tired of people, tired of the house, roommates, people I work with, everyone..I haven't had good Jason alone time in a looong time..so I went home..started to clean to cleanse my mind, organized papers, mindnumbing tasks to put me at ease....after an hour or so passed I made my "check in" call to Mindy - well that's what I call it, but it's just a nightly thing either of us does when we get off our shifts..so to make her think nothing was up I broke my silence and made a call..she was over at a friend's house and wanted me to come over..they were all hanging out, drinking, and "watching" TV/movies - I say watching in light because it's on, and nobody is paying attention. I told her I didn't feel like being around other people...but she just couldn't get..and that's what set things off...

I tried to explain it for a little bit, but to no avail, she didn't want to beg, but whatever..so an hour later she has Kurtis call me, and I explain to him how I didn't want to go out..and he said there were people there who would lie my company, but yet again I tried explaining that my company in the current mood I was in would not be wanted. I'm not one to surround myself with people who want to see you to make me happy..I'll go to my cave and be just as happy, if not happier...

so then mindy gets on the phone, and we talk..and I try to make her understand..and we stayed on the phone for a couple hours, including her getting emotional, hanging up the phone with me randomly, and a bunch of other shit...I thought Brooke and I weren't together....well, it wasn't that extreme...anyways, it came out that I could have came over to the friend's place and took her home since she didn't have her car..but that was never said, she kept saying originally come over and play with us..not, well, if you don't want to hang out, come over, stay for two minutes, then take me home..because I can grant an exception to her (and a few others) where if I am in my "fuck the world" stage, I'll actually grant your presence...but I'm not going to say it will be good for me, if anything it will hinder the process seeings how there is still someone around when I actually want none..but whatever, it's fine...

and of course she argues that she didn't want to say that because if I didn't want to come out of my house to go to a party, why would I want to go out of my house to take someone home...I tried to explain saying I never like to leave the house..but there are different situations..to leave the house to go to a party, not going to happen..to go out of my house to help a friend or do a favor, more acceptable...

it just was really stupid..and she was drunk..and I was getting annoyed...whatever..lost my thought now that I got interrupted..good day












"Hmmmm, not so much?"

Like Children....
.I can't leave them on their own....

my fucking roommates of course, who else would we be talking about....

so I get back this morning around 4ish, gone for a couple days, and we have a reply of hat happened a week ago... whatever..anyways, I get in, of course the place is trashed as normal, maybe moreso than normal, but I whatever...I just want to go to sleep..well I get downstairs and a smell hits me..a very familiar, unwanted smell..no, it was incense, that would have been something better. no, I was a moldy mildew-y smell...I know it's a basement, but I have grown accustomed to the "normal" basement funk...this was far worse, probably only heightened to my senses, but none-the-less. I get down and my foot squishes - I am not happy. the rug I had down was completely soaked..I knew this wasn't caused by any sort of rain, I know the water pattern..and just to make sure, I checked in areas that would regularly have water flow, they turned up dry as a bone...

so what happened - other than people being complete retards - they flooded the basement doing the laundry. I know that sounds a little preposterous, but bear with me. it has been occurring that when a heavy/large/super load is put in the washing machine, water tends to seep out of somewhere from behind the washer. this has only happened on the big loads, and only the few times we tested it. see the problem is, people over fill for the heavy loads, breaching the rim, and thus as water is poured in, it has nowhere to travel but sideways...

so that's my guess as to what happened, but the rest is pure right on negligence. the fuck did not do a thing to help the water flow or stop the water, nor did they try to clean it up. the rug sat there, soaked, for an extended period of time..water still saturating the area surrounding it, clothes that were on the rug completely soaked and ruined - now overpowered by the smell of moldy mildew - and papers, amoung other things, completely drenched and ruined as well.

so today after waking up and a quick stop made at work to discuss my test results, I came back here, to this fucking hole, and cleaned up someone else's mess they left in my room..oh, and if you are thinking, well maybe they never noticed it, maybe because they haven't picked up their laundry, well think again...they slyly took away and removed all articles that were being washed, so that I would have no idea who caused this mess...

so here I am, angry, pissed, letting the ground dry, washing my clothes now..and posting up notes throughout the entire basement like these people are either A - retarded or B- just fucking ignorant...in any case they really need to be strangled with piano wire...













"No admittance without calling ahead - NO exceptions!"

Late Starts and Long Days...
Chicago Part 2

A Killer Kinda Day...
you too should have been there....

I've had my face rocked off before, but this was...about one under par..under? but I meant better....

So of course the day got off to a late start, mindy and I both slept in, me partly because I couldn't figured out the math in my head of when was the latest I needed to get going by and so forth..whatever, we get up..get delayed waiting for a car exchange, and get on the road..it's now close to three and I know in my head, if we drive straight through, we will get there in time for the concert..

so we drove, I'm still trying to get a hold of Dave because he is supposed to buy the last ticket off of me..and hasn't told me otherwise..so I got this ticket here for him..and he's not returning my texts, or im's, or calls..but whatever..maybe he's in anti-social mode..maybe he's just a douche-rocket...Definitely the latter....

so as I am trying to reach Dave, I am now thinking who can I sell this ticket to for any bit of money...and before any thought process begins, Brooke get s a hold of me and wants a ticket..I'd say perfect timing..if it were perfect..I tell her I'll let her know what the deal was and tried to get Dave a couple more times..finally I broke down and told Brooke I had an extra ticket for her..

we get to Chicago, driving around in circles looking for a place to park then we come up on an intersection with a cop on every corner..I ask Mindy if she still has her belt on - she was moving around before and took it off..well we get to the stop and all of a sudden there's a knock on the passenger window..we roll it down and the cop looks and says, "ok, you're being safe" - because Mindy removed only the top half of the belt, she still had the bottom half remaining, that's what saved her ass from getting a ticket...then the cop mentioned how I had a "Fuzz-Buster" and I started to take off..I didn't want ot deal with that...so we drove and I found an awesome spot, it was like this forgotten, how do you get there sort of place..it was right on the corner of rancid St..but on the opposite side of this campus area, so it was blocked off..I don't know, it was really cool to me..whatever...

so we walk up to the Riv, Brooke is waiting, she hugs me, we go inside, get frisked, and make our way to the stage..yeah, talk about hipsters as far as the eye could see..Jesus Christ, I'm surprised we all didn't lose our cred since more than 5 people were in one public place...

anyways, the concert was awesome - at the beginning we had a debate as to what song would be their opener and what would be their encore..I try to guess encore, but I got that wrong, but I got the opener right - Midnight Show..and as for the encore, it was Jenny and all the things I've done...so I was fucking pleased as cake..

during the show I was looking around into the balcony seating, something you would see for an opera - if you've been to the Riv you know what I'm talking about - and to my left was none-other than John Malkovich! yeah, that was totally cool...oh yeah, and to my left was U2...I could care less about Bono and U2, but I still thought it was pretty cool to see them go to another artists concert..unless they are trying to steal the lime-light, then they can fucking die..well they are U2 so they can do that anyways..whatever....

after the concert we tried to find somewhere to eat, but the pizza place was closed and we settled for Clark's..after that we headed back to the hotel..which was quite the luxury of sorts...I got to watch TV on vacation!!!













"god, the people in room 114 hate us...."

Closing the Post Office...

What a Waste...
honestly..

So another day, another nothing at all...no surprises there...

So what an incredibly lame day it was today...I woke up..and here's the thing..I don't like waking up next to people, yet it is so comforting at the same time. I like it for the fact it meant you weren't lonely last night, when you had that bad dream there were there to comfort you...but the paradigm behind the next part is you wake up with someone...you want it to be that way forever, not a care in the world, just laying next to a warm body. I don't like to be tied down to someone, yeah sure I want to lay there and all, but dude, I got things to do..I got my own plans...my writing has hindered for that very reason. and of course you try to sneak out of bed, but they catch on, they always do...

so whatever, I got off to a great start..didn't study the night before, didn't study this afternoon...didn't go in 2 hours before my "shift" to take the tests...but then I checked my schedule..oh right, I have one day this week...what the shit? anyways, so I got into a-nondescribable state, slightly irked over the fact they took my cram=packed schedule away, and also a little sad..how am I ever going to pay my bills...

so mindy left for work, I came back to the house and started studying...got my mail, happy because two of the three things I wanted came in..and then took a nap..woke up, didn't want to go in for my tests, so I prolonged that as much as possible..finally went in at 8ish..and sat there, trying to fill out three tests...well I got the two longest and hardest tests completed by 10...I could have got the beverage test done as well, but I stopped, called it a night and said I'd be back tomorrow, we'll see..

I hung around for a little bit, then took Will home, got back here, played BTTF on NES, but the controller sucked so I couldn't make it very far in the game...and now I'm here..Mindy will be over shortly, we'll watch a movie or something and yeah, that's a day...













If you ignore the bad, how do you know what's good?