RANT

all bets are off...

anything goes...

fuck you and your fedora...

...if you had a fedora...



this is an old time post full of old school emotion...nice









"i'll see you in another life, when we are both cats!"

X-mas List

Naughty...
or very naughty....

since the tree is up and black friday has passed..it's time for my list...




*Someone to develop my film...i have 16 rolls i want developed and put onto a CD

*A nice tripod...nothing cheap please

*Almost Famous Untitled DVD...you cant find it in stores people

*New Keyboard for my lappy
*New Battery for my lappy
*Airport Extreme for my lappy

*a replica of the Big Blue Banner that Michigan runs under at the start of their football games...you know the one that says "Go Blue" and underneath it, it says "M Club Supports you"

*Mother fucking Michigan headband...where the fuck is it...

*Print out a hard-copy of my blog, year to year..hell, i'd be content with just one year at a time...all put together, in order with some sort of a cover....bonus points if you read the entries and highlight any part you like...like, lots of bonus points...


more to come i am sure...

"fuck salt!"

Long Overdue

Can you feel it..
because i don't want to...

it's here....what you ask...well, a lot of things....it's my first post in a long time, even longer if you don't count that half-assed internet down update...this is the first worthy post in some time...maybe this month...wow...

what else is here...the holiday season...that's here too..what with thanksgiving yesterday and Black Friday today...people putting up their xmas trees and radio stations, now legally, playing xmas music...

and even though november is coming to a close...something else is here too...that seasonal thing i love oh so dearly...

but i won't get into it, i don't want to be called out as some big bitch, or little bitch either....but you know what i hate...criticism...i've received too much flack for this blog and my daily updates...so far as to it not being called a blog but a 'day-log'......

definition: A blog (a contraction of the term "Web log") is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video.

personal blog: The personal blog, an ongoing diary or commentary by an individual, is the traditional, most common blog. Personal bloggers usually take pride in their blog posts, even if their blog is never read by anyone but them. Blogs often become more than a way to just communicate; they become a way to reflect on life or works of art. Blogging can have a sentimental quality. Few personal blogs rise to fame and the mainstream, but some personal blogs quickly garner an extensive following. A type of personal blog is referred to as "microblogging," which is extremely detailed blogging as it seeks to capture a moment in time. Sites, such as Twitter, allow bloggers to share thoughts and feelings instantaneously with friends and family and is much faster than e-mailing or writing. This form of social media lends to an online generation already too busy to keep in touch.

back in my hay-day when i was part of a triumvirate who ran a website that caused a lot of noise in highschool and had me getting escorted to classes by law enforcement, one of the things we learned number one was, update....update update update...you won't keep a fan base if you don't update regularly...we did our best to do so, but looking back, and even then, we knew we could have done a lot better of a job...

looking back at the posts from the past from years prior, i tried to do just that...update everyday...2003 and 2004 came close...of course i remember the great streak where i had 12 posts in something like 2 hours...back in the day...

is my blog any less of a blog just because everyday you see an update...don't other bloggers try to do this....i mean, i blog for myself, as most bloggers do the same...it's a personal journal..something i do for myself, and if others read it, well then, ok...i always have said my perfect girlfriend would read my blog as it is a better insight to my mind...but as for understanding...it'll help..but not much...i'll just appreciate you more

and as for pissing off people...it seems that's the only thing i am good for..whether it be this blog or through my twitter..or my fake facebook identity..bob johnson...it seems as if i ever post a comment or status or whatever with Bob, it comes back to me...through multiple people...ok, i didn't think i would ever have to spell it out for all y'all, but seriously...the jangus is my 'real' account, bob johnson is my 'fake' account...but that's to say that everything on facebook isn't a big joke anyways...for reals people, get a fucking life and quit being so god damned vain...

so the seasonal depression is here, the internet is back up, so i'm sure you'll be getting more blog updates..funny how i have the will to do nothing at all, yet i promise updates...well, i never promised..i only make promises i can keep...

read if you want...i do this for me, not you.. i'm not looking for a fan base, i'm not hoping to be made famous, to be published..this is an outlet for me and my thoughts, my daily shit...if you read into what i write the wrong way, it's because you done fucked it up and don't understand...because, at one time you did...

"dammit...you know it's the holidays when you go shopping and you hear *cling cling cling* fucking salvation army...."

51 Hours..

too tired to care,
too tired not to

ughhh....that's all i can sum up the past....i don't even know....i was able to squeeze an update out of the lack of internet melon i had the other day...i need to get back on track...it's hard to form habits when other things are making it impossible to stay on beat...

i got another crappy schedule this week, actually it was the same at last week but instead of going somewhere i spent the time cooped up in the apartment from the time i got home from work on tuesday til today...51 hours without stepping foot outside..

i've had plans to do things, but i just hadn't had the motivation to do it..and when i wanted to yesterday i couldn't...you see the AT&T internet guy called at 4 saying he was at a job but would be over right after that..well, i couldn't leave in fear that i would miss the guy..so i waited..and waited...and waited...10pm came around and i decided to make some food, fucking att...

so today i felt extraordinarily tired...that didn't help me get moving, neither did the sudden change in direction for service going well for the apartment...the maintenance people came over to put the screens back on our patio..they've only been off since we've moved in, lord only knows why they took them off in the first place, nothing was wrong with them....after they were finished up, the cable guy showed up..so i sat there and watched him make new cables and connect boxes...after that i laid back down...i was in and out of sleep all day...Phil came in my room to borrow my lapy to hook up the interent, apparently he was on the phone with AT&T...after a bit of time the internet was setup....coool, Thursdays everything gets pieced together it seems...

3 pm rolled around and i meant to get going with my To-Do list, but with the new acquisition of internet and cable, i had a lot of catching up to do...a lot of porn to view and stalking...i became grossly engaged in online conversations with people that ate into my time frame...4 pm - no trip to btown...5pm - no trip to the antique stores...6pm - no trip to take a look at the bedroom set...7pm - ok seriously, let's get a move on...

i went tanning, partially fell asleep in the bed, probably the best tanning experience i have ever had though, at no time did i get hot, and it was very peaceful..way to kill myself...then i drove around, went to furniture stores...i've come to realize i hate buying new things like beds and tables because of how poorly made everything is..cheap flimsy wood, lightweight...funk this..i'll stick to the antique stores and get quality...

i was on the east side of southport by this point so i made a stop into meijer - now i had only two things on my list, tweezers and razors...but it's meijer, a million reasons a sinlge store, that's meijer...i never grab a cart (because there's always one around) - i find the two initial items i am looking for and decide to continue looking..starts in electronics but then moves onto the other half of the store, you know, where the food is located...

i decide i want chocolate milk, you know me...but upon my arrival in front of the dairy rape juice barriers of glass i noticed something..something that only comes out once a year....eggnog! it's my thing to buy a half gallon of eggnog every year the first time i see it....and it seems that every year it comes out earlier and earlier...

continuing on with my grocery adventure i walk next to the end of the aisles looking down them, trying to remember what it is like to grocery shop...it's one of those things tat makes me happy, or least it used to, don't ask me why...but it's been so long since i've actually lived in a place where i had access to ovens, fridges, an actual kitchen...i can't even remember the things i used to buy all the time to stock my freezer or cabinets...

while passing by one aisle and young lady catches my eye - i'm still in my sleepy what the fuck state and it takes me to the next aisle for me to realize the girl and process the sighting...i double back or a second look and my thoughts are confirmed, sorta...she looks like a girl i used to work with..so there i stand looking like some sort of freak at the end of the aisle, tilting my head trying to get a good look at the face to tell whether or not it is the girl - i'm an idiot...so then i start to make my way down the aisle and she looks at me, smiles and then we both realize we know each other..we converse, all in all it was a good talk. for some reason she gave me her number and told me that i should stop by sometime, i could bring the boys too, since they live right across the street from meijer..coool.

i continue shopping, i come across the cereal aisle and of course have to get me some lucky charms...by now it's hard to hold the two half gallons of milk, two boxes of cereal, and the random small items i got in H&B...i start to walk away, but it isn't long before i find an empty abandoned shopping cart, and then it was on...

in the next couple minutes i pick up random items, it wasn't true shopping, just frozen goods and shit like that..i make my way to the front of the store and call it quits..as i walk my cart by the check out lanes i see the girl again and she sees my cart, i just shake my head and say, "i don't even know how this happened...."

stop at subway, pick up some food....i really don't want to do anything today..i barely wrote this blog...fuck me right?

" ..of course i care...but she's a different person now, she changed and so she's no longer what i loved, and that's all she wrote "

Where's the Beef?

i need an update
like she needs a clitorectomy...

ughhhh, i'm so sorry....it's been two weeks without the internet...and i've got nothing for you...just as i started getting a fan base and updating daily, i lose it all just as quickly..i still don't have the internet at the moment, i'm in fact sitting at my favorite place to steal wi-fi from, P-bread.

and as much as i would like to say i made a bunch of posts in my down time...i did not...without the internet i don't even want to look at my computer....maybe play music on it, but now that even sucks since my keyboard is broken...coooool, just add it to the pile of other $2500 paper weights i got laying around in my room...that 52" LCD TV will be next on the list....

a lot has been going on, as usual...people hating me for once in their lives, others trying to get back into contact with me, and weird romances that are comparable to walking through a cobra pit..and i'm just flicking snakes in the face...

i'm oblivious to a lot of things...when i piss people off, when people like me, that i'm rubbing my balls in public right now....i'm too busy eaves-dropping on the crocheter's conversation, fucking P-Bread...

my new living arrangements are good and bad....good to have interaction with people, but there's the rub...it kinda reminds me of btown all over again...only three people instead of five this time...thank god..the two guys i live with are good at heart, but we all know how anal i am about cleanliness...mis en place, mis en place, mis en place, mis en place...it's not hard...we have a dishwasher....but why are dishes in the bloody sink...trash gets full...overflows onto the tile...these people don't work 40+ hours a week, these people do not have school...these people have no excuse...

oh but wait, i'm bitching about people taking advantage of me, me being spineless and complaining about it...cooooool fuck me right?

this isn't much of an update, just a "hey, i'm still alive" sort of thing...hope to get internet soon, hope to get back to blogging, hope to get back...

"B-I've been thinking about you a lot Jangus
M-well i'm alive if that's what you wanted to know"

Cards...

V-Cards, C-Cards...
A-Cards...

all too often we experience situations in which "cards" are laid out to help one or a group through that situation...there are the obvious cards, but you can even delve further and make up spontaneous cards as needed..

in most scenarios cards are used an an excuse for something, and when mentioned they are put into play - kinda like some weird game of Magic, only in real life using invisible cards..so the exact opposite...

excuses can range from being sick, working a double, whatever...it's usually something lame that a person says to try to justify why they cannot perform whatever it is being asked of them, so basically why they suck at life...

i hate card games, random fate based on how the cards were shuffled..at times i feel like life is some fucked up card game - you're dealt a hands of cards and you go to make do with what you got..

but what i really hate more is when people make horrible excuses and try to play them like trump cards...as if they got pocket twos and every card on the flop, fourth street, and river are all face cards, and then they irrationally turn over their cards in some triumphant motion walking away with their hands raised in the air like they shocked the world...get your candy ass back over here...

i feel as if i am a victim of a rigged game this week...maybe i am just not understanding these new rules, made up as we go along...is that how life is..."this was never a problem until now"...

Truth

11/05

nobody wants to hear the truth..sure they may ask for it, search it out, but they don’t want the real truth...they want some pre-fabricated version of the truth manufactured by someone else made to fit their own ideals. I stop my walk on the trail and re-read text messages from the night prior...i’m not a fan of being guilted.

The texts tell me the ‘truth’ that those think I need to hear, the truth I should hear..it’s worthless...guilt falls off my mind like water on a duck’s back...you’re talking to the guy who told everyone he encountered that his mother was dead - the same person that still refers to her by her first name even now - all because she didn’t say goodbye...it’s not a grudge, it’s a mark that was left that I have to bear, it’s an everlasting scar I am reminded of everyday, but not a grudge.

I turn around, I’ve been out here long enough...do they want the truth? Hell, even if I were to give them my truth at this very moment they wouldn’t accept it as the truth...if I told them I could give a fuck about dinner plans, that I’d rather sleep in my car underneath the spotlight of a truckstop than to go back right now, they wouldn’t respect my decisions..call me thickheaded, call me the asshole....but even if I were to humor them and show, what the fuck good would that do - in a perfect world we would all go out and have a great time, but its far from perfect now...should I show to appease them, I’d just sit there, I wouldn’t talk, I’m not hungry, it’d be like bringing a corpse to the dinner table, and nobody likes that...

I hate when people are walking behind me - I know we are on the only path going in the same direction, I know they aren’t following me, but truth is, it bothers me

Truth is the sun is going down, ruining my photo session with nature...truth is the temperature has gone down twelve degrees in the past twenty-five minutes, truth is my nose is freazing, truth is I still don’t want to go.

Two females jog past me, the one on the left wearing an adidas pack on her back, the other with some clichéd workout slogan printed on the back of her shirt..truth is I hate running with a bag on my back...truth is I find those sloganed shirts to be the equivalent to fortune cookies for the weight room.

How far did I walk, this seems to be taking forever to get back to where I last shot any photos at the bridge...

Truth is, I don’t blog when I’m mad anymore - it’s probably for the best, I don’t want to offend anyone - oh wait, I do that already, whoops. Reviewing posts from the past, it seems as if I had instaneous access to the computer when I needed to rant - weird part is that I had a desktop back then..now I have a lappy and can’t get anything on here like I’d want to. I’d much rather give three smaller posts a day instead of one long recap, but now-a-days all I have is a two hour block once a day to get my writing in, if I’m lucky.

I’m back at the bridge, fire off a couple shots, yeah..the sun is making it next to impossible for me to get what I want, I continue my way back.

Truth is, I wish I had a mental recorder for the rants I give in my head...i didn’t even bring my digital recorder, or if I did, I don’t even know where it is...i really prefer what is in my head the first time I think it rather than brewing on it til I get to my computer only to hack it up via text.

I get back to my car, pull out my lappy and carry it on over to the park benches...i’m gonna try my best to get everything out on here...but truth is, my battery is dead..

Day Light Savings

More time to drink
More time to fuck up

I wake up on the couch and locate my phone underneath me to see what time it is..830 something...but what’s this...why has my phone been blown up over the night...6 missed calls, 2 voicemails, 11 texts....what did I miss?

5 missed calls, along with the 2 voicemails are from an 812 number that is not in my phone, what’s up with that? I figure someone just had the wrong number so I listen to the voicemails, half in it half out...the standard, “hey it’s me” starts off the message and I don’t recognize the voice...until the end...oh my god, she fucking called me...the ex fucking called me...listen to the next message...basically the same thing...she wanted to talk me to, she wanted me to call because it was urgent, like seriously important...

it’s funny that I just defended myself the other night against if she were to come back into my life would I get back with her...she may not have said “Jason I love you” or anything close to that, but as she ended the second message, the way the word “K” drunkingly slides off her tongue makes me melt a little...

the texts are not from her, random twitter updates - that mobile update shit is gonna stop - in part as to why I muted my phone last night...how ironic...i muted my phone and then the ex calls...it was probably for the best..

I go back to sleep, but my mind is compiling everything that just happened, so naturally she’s in my dream...i’m not happy nor rested when I wake to my alarm a little bit later.

I arrive at work for my 1030 shift and after thinking it over all morning long I finally send a text to the random number and the ex’s number stating “Hope everything is ok” - I’m a sucker for those I know in need...knight in shining armor syndrome I guess..i’m a softie because I care too much and I’ll do anything I can to make something right...i figured my response was just enough, not too much just a quick sentence, and it’s something so it is more than nothing...i get a response from the unknown number an hour later asking who I was...i tell them that the waste called me from that number last night and I was just replying to her, who is this...never got a response....the kicker would be if it was her new bf’s....

So then there was work...it was dead in the beginning...i just polished wine glasses for the better part of the day...management let two employees on break til 3 and then I was supposed to go..one of them said they would come back at 2 so I could actually get a break...i just wanted a chance to eat or it down..tonight is going to be hell....we are going to do something like 200 covers in 2 hours...our kitchen is going to crash, I know it..

Two o’clock comes and goes...i have a couple tables, but I want to eat....it’s nearing three and the dinner crowd is piling in, getting in the way as I am actually trying to work now that I got three tables in three different parts of the restaurant so I am not weeded, just a little bit hustling....”if you’re not on the clock, get the fuck out of the alley and out of my damn way - get your fucking food and head up to the room like the fucking animals you are!” - I love it when I get mad..and I think people do too...

It’s after three, I see the person who was supposed to relieve me finally walk in the door...cool, pre-shift has already started, I still have tables, and I’m about to get sat for my dinner rotation..fuck my life.

The restaurant fills up quickly, I got three tables I am working, but I’m not weeded like everyone else, in fact, I’m bored...i really don’t feel like helping out tonight though, too tired and I got fucked over, so I slowly meander from place to place, just out of eyeshot from management and those who give the look like they need a swarm or hands...i turn my tables quickly, the hosts are happy, I’m the only person who hasn’t complained to the host team yet so they are grateful with me..

My new turn however does effect me, at first..if I wanted to give my standard service, I would have been in a jam, I start to feel behind, but that quickly dissipates as my tables are trying to go the Colts game..saved, they give me their entire orders as I great them, multiple courses? - great, everything is getting run in at the same time...

It’s 8 and the restaurant is almost empty except for a few scattered tables, obviously oblivious to the game..of course one of which is mine...i fight to get my sets and sidework completed as my last table orders desserts...i’ve been there the longest and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be there any longer than I have to..

I get home something short of 10, and Gary grabs me to go to Bdubs with him..don’t worry we stayed in indy this time...the bloody marys weren’t the same, but I had two regardless...i check my facebook and email and all that crap on my phone while gary watches the colts pull a victory out of their asses...oh my god no....she requested my friendship on facebook...are you kidding me? And what a great profile picture....

I like to keep exes as friends on facebook just so I can see what whorible people they develop into..i mean look at THE EX, she got all fat and ugly...and dykey...it makes me feel better to know I got in when the getting was good....i’m not adding her right now...

Back home I am still upset about the place looking like a mess...i go straight to my room and close the door...this causes me to pass out relatively early for myself...but still it was the next day...

“You know what the difference between you and a cocksucker is? - Nothing! Now get the fuck out of my way!”

it’s November..

11/01

it may be the first day of the month...but I may have already heard the quote of the month..i easily awarded it with the “Quote of the Week” jumping right past “Quote of the Day”.

It all happened at work tonight, I was placed into the wine room with randell on the floor map for the evening - there wasn’t any large parties going in there, just some VIPs and requests..