WHAT?! To Do...

take time
to make time

what the heck does that even mean?!

is that even bloody possible? I'm trying to think of some random situation where it is possible and I'm drawing a blank...take blank to make blank..still not working...anyways...you know what would be nice, if I could just hang onto my laptop all day (well, ok, maybe not while I am on post, I understand that's like real work) but during QRF, I mean that's five hours of down time...

you know what I could do in those five hours...I could play a video game..or even better..I could write..maybe write one of my stories, a script, a short story, an allegory, something..

I could write my LC story..but I just don't know how to start it...give me a beginning people..help me with that..if I have the beginning I can make the rest happen...they say the waiting is the hardest part, well...so is writing the damn introduction to something

ok, I'll get crackin...Kracken...Trackin?









"Knock knock..."

Stir Crazy

Not the noodle place..
the place of mind...

that only things place can cause....

ok..ok....ok. It's not even been a week and I'm already going stir crazy. My day consists of doing a lot of nothing, consuming a lot of time, which only moves slowly...getting less sleep than normal (for me) and not having an outlet of any of this balled up energy..

Even the internet has lost its luster..it's that bad.

Here is the run day of my day...long five hour shifts. Let's say this...lights are at 5am..we do a morning clean up, head to chow...it's 0630 and it's now time for my first shift: Fire watch. A five hour shift where I roam around the squad bay..trying to keep busy by constantly making racks, sweeping, picking up trash, texting, not watching TV, whatever...

Now it's 1130 and I switch over to Standby...this is when I can take a nap, get on my lappy, do mindless things, as long as I stay up front just in case QRF (explained in a second) needs us..five hours pass..sloooooooooowly.

it's 1600 time for chow for thirty minutes because at 1630 I'm on QRF - Quick Response Force...this is where it gets the worst...I have to sit in these desk chairs for five hours, not getting up, or falling asleep, or using electronics, or doing anything that would virtually keep me from wanting to suck start my M16A4 Service Rifle..there's a TV in front of us that is constantly playing movies or shows..but the variety sucks and I can never find it in me to watch...the Boondocks, as hard as I try it's just not quality stuff being shown..

After those five hours the cycle starts all over again...maybe this time on post I'll be on firewatch, or rover, or front post, or routes...something for five hours...followed by standby for 5, followed by QRF for five...these are my days

I have a rack..somewhere in the back of the house, but I never get to sleep in it..I have spent more time in my wall locker getting stuff in and out than I have spent in my own bed...my own bed is available to sleep in during my liberty...which we get every two to three days of working...it's a very daunting process...

And with all the fuck-ups we've been having lately our liberty keeps getting secured, aka taken away...why just this morning I got in trouble for "not being on my post" last night. it was the 2130 to 0230 shift I had firewatch...I was up, i was awake, i was patrolling the squad bay..heck I have witnesses that can testify that I was doing my job...but because the stupid fucking scribe "couldn't find" and can "never find me" I get blasted for not being on my post..

I tried to explain my case and present the evidence but it was too late, my NCOs already got the message...I love it..I get in trouble for roaming like i am supposed to do..not sitting on my ass watching the TV like every other firewatch..at no point did anyone call out my name looking for me, heck i even passed by the other fire watch members...and how the fuck can you not see me, I'm in an orange road guard vest for crying out loud!

whatever, this is lame...I cannot even begin to imagine that I have to be here for another four weeks..five weeks whatever...August First will you just hurry the fuck up so I can go to school or something...

I need something to do..







"Scribe - I looked for you last night and I couldn't find you..
Me - Funny because I had the same problem, except the only difference was I was walking my post..I didn't see you around anywhere"

Changing of the Guard

one less day..
one step closer..

the gradual unbecoming of a gentleman.

A good third of psychologists only become psychologists because they themselves are mentally unstable, and thereby getting a degree in said profession would detour the general mass from deeming them crazy..quite the table turners those people are..

I think there's a similar scenario for photographers - those who take the pics secretly have always desired to be on the other side of the lens, and since that dream isn't happening, the closest thing to being the beauty is creating the beauty.

Maybe that's just me, but I feel as if i should have been on the other side..even though i've never been a fan of the color green.

While on a random liberty we had a week back I was perusing my iphoto library in my dead time. Looking over the pictures caused a stir of emotions, however it was not over the events that were depicted in the digital rendering before my eyes, but rather the smile drawn on my face was from simply having photos i deemed worthy...

I'm a very critical person, and only harder on myself, so for me to state that I approved of something I had made takes a lot. There's been many a moment where I've wanted to take a picture while training, at boot, or whatever...I feel just like this writing, that one of my (few) talents is slipping away. They saw in order to stay in shape, whether it's a physical thing or whatever, you need to do it..to practice it..I unfortunately haven't had the freedom to practice anything other than what I was told to do.

I don't know when I'll be able to get my hands wrapped back around my camera again..I don't know when I'll be able to produce quality pictures again..I don't know when the time will be there..

it's annoying, this living like this...I have a storage unit full of things, my life..my past life..that just sits there...things i used to use every day, the accessibility to use them whenever...now i live off the bare minimums..luckily i have my lappy and phone, i suppose that should be good enough, but it's not.

I'll wake up one morning..have liberty..want to put on a certain shirt, or shoes, or grab something random...but I cannot..it's not here..i have the same three shirts to choose from, my civilian attire has almost became another uniform...
"what's it gonna be today....civie alphas....civie bravos..."

if there's one way the corps is gonna change me, it's gonna be like this...the breakdown of what i was, who i was....it isn't accomplished at boot camp, or MCT, or MOS school..it's a longer process....I'm still the same person I was before I left, but I'm slowly dying away...with more orders, more secured liberty, i lose a piece of myself every time. This is how they want it, by the numbers. Some people change overnight, some welcome this lifestyle and adapt quickly, openly embracing all the ideals and propaganda, I wasn't one of them. I stayed my individualistic self. But time will soon be all i have left...

ugh, five years...i've held out longer than that









"Gentlemen, he said I don't need your organization, I've shined your shoes
I've moved your mountains and marked your cards
But Eden is burning either brace yourself for elimination
Or else your hearts must have the courage for the changing of the guards."

Cooooool

neato..
wowzers...

whoa!

Nothing crazy to report, but I wanted y'all to know that I have just updated my blog page..it consisted of one click - i don't even get off that easy - so let's not get too excited..

but now you can view my..err this page on a mobile device..easier, that is...you could always open the web browser on an iphone and read...but this is more legit...

so for all of my iphone followers who like to read up on me while they are bored at work, i got you.








"personal notification"

I Feel a Blog Coming On

Over.
Due.

Like that library book i took out in the sixth grade...

Why is it that whenever I have something to say, want to share it, I'm no where near/have access to my lappy...ugh, hopefully those times are behind me as I have successfully completed both Boot Camp and MCT...

I'd say the time I needed it the most though, has been in the past month - I've only been shyly burying my feelings away into other activities...digging holes, firing weapons, you know, routine stuff.....but in all honesty field week is what gets to me.

There is no way I'd be able to ever be a grunt..not because it's physically enduring and whatnot, I got that shit...it's what the field does to my head while I'm out there. I of course am basing this off the two times we've had to spend more than 3 days out in the wild..

For whatever reason, as I sit there in my fighting hole, my brain switches over into this existential, Sartre-esque overload of thinking..crazy thoughts, questioning this or that, trying to put things into perspective...it's a lot of reflection from muddy waters.

by the third day of it I'm at edge, irritable, and easy to anger - maybe that's the warrior coming out of me like my drill instructors wanted - to me that just means i need to stay far away from that....unless..unless of course I want to write some crazy shit, then I know exactly what to do....

bring my lappy, walk out into the middle of nowhere, make a sleeping ground, and flick my fingers away....

if only there was a power source way out there because lord knows the battery life on this mac sucks beyound all comprehension...

I need to get caught up, I need to get my writing back up to...coughparcough.

this is the first of many...to be continued.










"each passing moment i become more and more angry that i didn't bring my phone out here..."