Third Times a Charm

there's nothing to say..
and if there is, i don't wanna talk about it

she called me last night...i was out in the living room, either pacing around mindlessly or on my way to the bathroom when i heard those church bells ring. i thought i was losing my mind, thought maybe the church down the street was chiming away, but no, it was my phone resting on my bed. i run into the room and dive over my bed to grab the phone, i answer. she tells me she's drunk and cant talk, but wanted to call me back because she said she would and doesn't want to be a bitch about it.

i talk, i keep her on the phone, i spill my heart out to her like i've done so many times before..she's drunk so she's speaking the truth, the slurred truth. she tells me more information, but then regrets saying it, regrets doing it, regrets being on the phone with me, she just wants to end the call but i persist...for the next 45 minutes i pace the house, rambling, without stop but maybe a lot of stuttering, trying to form words out of feelings as best i can on the fly. i may be a charmer, and i think part of that comes from my innocence in raw form through emotion, it's cute...

everything falls into place - she wasn't mad that i talked about her in my blog, she was embarrassed by the joke i made hit close to home, the truth hurt her...it seems like even when i don't know, i do..i guess i'll always know..she did leave me for someone going to jail for 45 days..i even go so far as to ask why she wasted my time, she didn't know, i suppose she never will. it all makes sense to me now, now i wish i did key his car, hell, i'd just kick ass, not fuck up some car...i wished i would have known everything sooner, i wished i would have gone down that Saturday like how we wanted, i wish a lot of things

the conversation ends, i go back to my computer, still at a loss. she sends me a text message, "i do not want to be with you jangus" just after we talked and again were making progress...i wish it would all end..we text more, back and forth...i like closure but can't deal with the ending, i like knowing how you stand, but i don't want to close that door...she finally decides on going to bed for real this time, and asks me about the money she owes me..i'd forgotten all about that at this point...sure when we first were broken up, when she didn't come visit me on that Saturday, got drunk, and i heard the guy in a background, said things out of anger, of course i asked for my money then, but now..there's more to happiness than money.

i tell her the total and she starts freaking out..i tell her it's everything, from the car loan, to all the things she agreed to go halves on or pay in full that i found myself paying for..you don't wanna know the total, you may flip like she did...she goes on to tell me how i haven't changed, how i'm still an asshole, how i made her so depressed, and so forth...i think to myself, wow, i'm out X amount of money and holding my flacid dick at night because you broke my heart...and you're mad? go figure....

i cant stand being called an ass or saying i haven't changed when i know i didn't do a thing wrong..i tell her i'll call her tomorrow...she doesn't like that, then her responses stop..

i don't sleep for the rest of the night...my nerves are frayed, my stomach aches, the room spins, i'm pissing out my ass, my mouth is dry and cottonlike, i toss and turn all night long...my body cant handle this stress...i'm sure to have an ulcer by now

morning comes and i drag myself out of bed...i may have actually passed out for a total of one hour, but that came well after 7am and sometime before noon...i try to humor my stomach with bread..apparently it did not like my sense of humor and threw it into the toilet. i'm a mess.

2pm comes and i know buttercup is out of class now, so i give a call because i promised, plus i wanted to know why she was so pissed at me the night prior. no answer, i leave a message...an hour passes, i notice an update via facebook (that fucking update thing..) so i give another call, no answer, so i text, saying it will be short, just answer...10 minutes later i get a text saying, 'well? i'm waiting!" how was i supposed to know she'd answer now...

i call, we talk, now she doesn't care about why she was so pissed off..she hates me...she wants any excuse to hate me at this point..the fact i've been able to take everything she has thrown at me just infuriates her more...she knows i'm changing, she knows i want to make everything up to her because i owe it to her the most, but everything i do right now is wrong to her, because right now, i am wrong to her. she tells me i'm coming on too strong, i'm trying too hard...of course, this is natural i think, once you lose something and want it back, you'll go to extremes to get it...and i also know the more time we spend apart, the more time she has to get me off her mind....sure maybe in like three months of not talking, we hang out for one afternoon and hit it off, spark a new relationship...seen it happen a hundred times before, 23 times personally.

i make the call short as i can, i tell her to contact me whenever she wants, i won't make the call to her, when she feels she is ready to call, she will....for some reason i feel that won't be happening any time soon...

i get ready and go into work..i look like shit so i wear my glasses...it's now a mask i put on to hide from reality..people see glasses and assume smart, they forget ignorance is bliss. we get our sections and for the first time in history at work, i am top dawg, the number one closer..i've been number two only twice, but on the one night i'd love to just go home and overdose on more sleeping pills, i am gonna be stuck there til after close.

the night is dead, it looks like a ghost town in the restaurant...they start cutting the floor early...a five top that was plotted in my section wants to not sit so close to the bar...there's nobody in the bar, no noise, nothing, these people are just assholes...they take their money elsewhere...after it goes down to just the two closers, another five top was to be given to me, but as their reservation time expired, they called to cancel..what a night

in a last ditch effort, some sort of saving grace a six top walks in, the hostess Hilary knowing my earlier struggles gives it to me...i thank her..she was actually my saving grace tonight...i opened up to her, told her about what was going on in my life, she listened- i think it was willingly because she asked, and asked questions. she offered my some herbal medicine to ease my mind, could have been opium, i would take anything at this point. she tells me about her relationship she's currently in...my situation seems all too real for her...there was a breakup, but quickly they got back together...time is of the essence, had buttercup and i seen each other like we both wanted to, everything would have been avoided, but that is not the story we are telling today...

the 6 top is the last to leave, and i am discouraged by the tip they left, definitely were not my saviors tonight, jerks. i flip the room over for a large party tomorrow, it takes awhile, enough time for the other closer to do a walk through with management..i check out and escort Hilary to her car.

she drops me off at my car, she's nice. i can tell she has a lot of heart but has been fucked over a lot in the past too..she's jaded, may come off as a bitch, but she doesn't mean to..i guess we all do the same. she's a hardworker, offering me a hand to reset the party table tonight..she may have a boyfriend, but i think she's lonely..she's lacking an emotional connection, he just wants a friend..

it's funny because i can do what happened to me, swoop in with all the charm in the world saying and doing all the right things in the beginning, steal the girl..but i'm better than that, sure i'm a guy, but i've never played that game before, because i know in the end we are all the same....nice at first, and then it slacks off..we become mean, don't seem like we care, just want sex - granted we may do little things for you here and there, you want them all the time ladies, yes you do..and we just can't offer that to you..i just wished Buttercup knew and understood that...some fuckstick came swooping in on my impressionable naive girl and knocked her off her feet..kudos to you dickspank..i mean this in the nicest way possible, but i hope he fucks over her worse than i...but then again i hope the best for her too..

we arrive at my car, i thank her, and go to my car..once inside i am reminded why i don't drive at night as i let out a long sigh..i still have a fucking headlight out..i just have a paranoia of getting pulled over, especially right now and my illegitimate residency and expired plates, whoops...

i go home, unnoticed, and pop an ambien...tonight i will sleep for sure.

"you're once, twice, three times a lady...."

It's Over

shananana
hey hey hey

the highlight of my day, the sox won - but even that was problematique. no place in town had the sox on their tvs...it was supposed to be on ESPN2, everywhere checked, no baseball on the screens..and after saying that, the rest of the day was..yeah.....

i had the day off, with nothing to do, still hadnt heard from the ex yet, as each moment passed it just grew on my sanity..how could she not be wanting to contact me? i woke up early today, but didn't want to get out of bed at all...i closed the blinds tighter in hopes to block out any bit of sunlight - i've become a wreck.

the noon approaches and something finally stirs me to greet the day. it takes me two hours to get ready, don't ask me what i did because i really don't know. i decide to head on to downtown to catch the game on a big screen at a bar...actually i had the intentions on getting piss drunk tonight, something destructive for sure...

i make a stop at work to see if Sean is getting off work, i know he usually works a breakfast lunch double and he's a huge baseball fan..i really wanna give him shit for his mets not making it to the playoffs, but also invite him to watch a winning team. he's not there but another coworker invites me on over to Rock Bottom for drinks and the game, not the spot i was gonna head to, but it was ok with me, i like Rock Bottom.

The co-worker, Tom, and I shoot the shit, watch NFL highlights, just bidding the time due to a three hour rain delay for the Sox game. conversation gets heavy as he asks me about my personal life, family and so forth...we had a "it's not your fault" like scene from Good Will Hunting. it brings me to tears, but i hide it behind the pint of amber i'm drinking and recover momentarily. it had something to do about my father, me being humble, and so forth..not anything to stress about..

he eventually departs and i head over to my favorite watering hole, Vitos. well my favorite barkeeps aren't working, so i just get a maker's manhattan on the rocks - normally the barkeeps will surprise me with what they think i need to drink, and i lap it up. one of the manager's i know is working though, she's nice to me, but i'm even more surprised she remembers me..it's been awhile since i've been to vitos and even longer since i've seen her. i ask her to check the tv for the sox game...after several minutes of searching the thousands of channels i tell her to stop...

i keep myself updated on the stats of the game via my phone, finish my drink slowly, then leave...i make it back to my room, pull up the game on my computer, and lay down. i think time passes, i pass out, the phone rings...i don't know what made me answer it, but i did. it was my good friend from way back in the day, Carol. she made an attempt to reach me over the weekend but i was at work, and i am really horrible at returning phone calls..don't get me wrong, it's on my mind, i just have a gap when functioning on that level..

anyways, she's been reading the blog since i started it back up again, she's very positive when she speaks of it, saying i am very creative and write very well. hearing these compliments makes me happy for a moment, but it's not creative, it's just regurgatating what happened in my day in word format.

our relationship has been a funny one, you used to be inseperable back in third and fourth grade..but with all the moves we both have gone through, communication has been nulled...most people facing similar situations would have called it quits by now, long distance keeping up is just sooo in the ages of letters...now that technology has made it easier to keep in contact, i find most of the time that relationships and ties are gone to the wayside..if you're not in my immediate circle, then, sorry, a phone call or email is just too much...

one of the first things Carol asks me is if i had heard back from the girl, loves it. i find it funny how through my blog she has been updated to the day with the going-ons in my life...i still wonder if my stalker knows about it yet...she offers her support, we catch up, i appologize for being half out of it - just waking up from an alcohol induced nap which was unexpected has made my conversation skills sub-par...

she's about to let me go when i check out the computer for the sox score, they're winning yes! but there's also something else i notice, buttercup is online. we speak briefly on whether or not i should provoke conversation, but i say it's something i have to do. Carol ends the conversation with a goodbye and goodluck, and i go to face my last stand.

i don't feel it appropriate to go through all the nitty-gritty right now, too fresh in my mind and heart, but i will say a few things.

i start off the conversation, ask her what she has been up to, she doesn't remember her asking me to text her on friday when i arrived back home or off of work, she tells me in the beginning of the conversation she's still thinking about what she wants to do....but that quickly changes...

long story short, she doesn't want to be with me anymore, she doesn't feel the same for me as she did before, and she doesn't beleive she will ever again..i, like anyone hearing such devistating news, go straight intodefensive plea mode, trying to still win her over...

she tells me more things, i keep going strong..i may break my heart, but it's all i can do...throughout the entire conversation i am holding back from busting in tears and throwing up all over the place...worst feeling ever

it's funny though, looking on it how for the past two weeks she's had her reasons for not wanting to get back together with me..a big one was the move i was about to do, "maybe if you weren't moving so far away, yeah, i'd definitly really consider taking you back" - now that the move isn't a possibility it was up to me to work on the next things...she now sees that i am changing, i am going to be a better person, she beleives in me...i also wasn't going to hold against her a bad decsion that she feels may be something she'll never look past....i don't know

the conversation ends on instant messanger with me asking for a call later, and her saying ok...i'm hoping that her version of 'later' doesnt mean in a couple days or a week, i want later as, later tonight...i guess i need to specify...as she signs off line i'm instantly on the phone calling my friends, trying to find any support whatsoever...they do their best, but there's nothing they can do but lend an ear to me...they keep asking, "is there anything i can do", no, sadly no..just be there for me when i call crying at 4am because i cant sleep...in short, be there for me in a few days when the reality of all this really hits me...

the third call is to my grandparents, i've been holding out on telling them about the breakup, i don't wanna hear my grandmother be upset with me again about some girl...ok, maybe that's a little harsh, but i still remember how the last time it went a couple years ago...this time, she's supportive, she can barely hear what i am saying, but she gathers that i am upset and tries to offer words of comfort..hands the phone off to my grandpa who does the same...the call ends quickly, for some reason they are still living in a time where there's long distance, and i must be getting charged a huge amount for this..but they tell me to call my mother...

and i do. that in itself was a hastle..as soon as i get off the phone with them, they are calling my mother to give her the heads up and ask if i had called yet...yeah, i said as soon as i got off the phone with them, they called my mother to ask if i had called yet..and here i am on the other line with a busy signal...i eventually get through to my mother...

we haven't been the best at a son-mother relationship, obviously since i called my g'parents first, but she does her best at consoling me..after hearing now three other people's points of views, the fourth she offers is a positive one for the relationship, telling me that now that buttercup has gotten everything off her chest she'll sleep on it and call me tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight...i wish that were true, but this is real life..i've may have played around in the fantasy world too long, but i still know what's probable and what's incapable...

with every conversation i have on the phone, i find myself pacing the room, my entire body is weak so i sit..but i am too antsy, too nervous, i can't sit in one place, so i get back up...my legs feel like they are gonna give out from under me..i just wanna collapse to the ground and scream the heavens, why?! the room is spinning, i doubt it's the alcohol, i should be sobered up by now, especially after having the tear jerking conversation with buttercup. i still feel sick to my stomache, i just wanna die - i say that in the sense that i just wanna stop feeling, i think that's something we all can relate to, you want whatever it is inside you to just die already..it feels like my soul is dying and i just wanna put it out of it's (mine) misery.

so she wants to still be apart of my life, still wants us to be friends, but i know better..that cant happen, i cant lose her, but without her at my side, without that support i need like i want , forget about it...what i have to do for myself is just get rid of her...it'll be hard, and not the mature thing to do, but what else can you expect of me, i've handled this to the best of my ability, as strong as i could...every thing she threw at me as a means to the breakup, i picked apart and knocked out the park...there's nothing left for me to do..i played a helluva game, but my team still lost..MVP's aren't chosen from the losing side...

"i just want the earth to swallow me up"

This is Soooo Fucked Up

what can i say...
i can't take it

i said i didn't want to blog about this, but honestly, it's the only thing i can turn to...if you don't wanna hear stupid shit, stop reading now, just a forewarning, it's not gonna be pretty...

Sunday's are never really eventful for me...i do laundry, that's about it..oh yeah, i usually work some bullshit shift and make no money as well...tonight was no exception. i wasn't in a closing section, i wasn't on a party, so i knew i wasn't gonna make money...i got pissed right off the bat after preshift when i was told to adjust some tables...now this isn't an absurd request, and usually goes without question, but even after the host told me to take my 6 top down to a 4 he paused and checked with management about the legitimacy of it...

see, i was in the back of the front section - my section consisted of a 4-top, 2-top booth, and the 6-top already set up..the closers were in front of me, and behind me i had 2 more four tops and 2 more booths before we get to the back of the dining room...my 6-topped table, table 15, was already plotted with a 6 top arriving at 8pm...the 4 top would be arriving at 5...so instead of putting the 4 top reservation on one of my four tops, or on one of the four tops around me, they had me break down my 6 top and reset it for four...double work, i fucking hate it.

my 4 arrives, they dine, leave shortly after 7...now i am standing around...no walk-ins are coming in, and any that do, which are singles, are going to the closers..i make the comment to the manager on duty, Steve, that if i were to take the supposed six top that was coming in at 8pm, they wouldn't finishing dining til 10 or so..keeping me here with the closers, meaning i'd get cut after the six sat, and i'd be pulling my dick for the six to leave while the closers got tables, or resented the fact i had a six top and wasn't closing...

it goes right over his head...but lucky for me the six top ended up calling to cancel the reservation, so Steve then asked me if i wanted to stay or go..what do you think i did...i made my half set, did part of my closing sidework i could do without interfering with the restaurant operation, and went home.

back in my room i watched the Bears victory via espn updates, it's exciting, but not as..actually it sucks hardcore to try and keep up that way. i continued doing laundry..washing my sheets and blankets...i'm trying to remove any trace of her whatsoever at this point..no more bodily fluid stains, no more hair, no more of her scent..i can't handle it...she last spoke to me on Friday at 1, and i've done my part to send texts, three on Friday, as mentioned in prior rants, but i haven't heard from her since...i haven't seen her online, she hasn't done anything online the past couple days...TJ tries to convince me that something happened, but TJ also tries to make me think and do a lot of crazy things in regards to this situation...

at one moment we think that maybe i'm dead, that it's kinda like "the sixth sense", over the weekend i have sent emails, messages, and interacted with people on my end, but received no responses from them to me...do i exist this weekend???

finally at 2am i see a status update from her, she's ok....but i'm not. it's been over two days and i haven't heard word one from her since...i'm still thinking i fucked up Thursday's meeting somehow...i go over things with TJ again, i go over Friday's events as well...i still am at a loss

i think i really lost her...i was told to get a girl when she's 18 or 24..anything in between is just a waste of your time, too rambunctious, too crazy, changing and out of control....at 24 it's out of their system and they'll want to settle down, at 18 you can rope them in a relationship and young love will do the rest...well, i had the 18 year old girl madly in love with me, and somehow i managed to fuck it up...

i'll never learn a lesson at this rate, i'll die alone.

she won't see this, ever, she doesn't even know the address of the website, let alone i really don't think she cares to look it up...i think i was right about everything i said at this point...i think it's over for sure...i need to "Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" her out of my life right now..it's just what i do, it's how i deal with things, as wrong as that may be it's the only thing i'll ever do for myself

i can't believe it's over...i don't wanna believe it's over...maybe there's an explanation for this all..maybe she's seeing how strong i am, maybe she wants to me come crawling back..this feeling just makes me wanna keel over and die honestly

i have tomorrow off....i don't know what i'll do....go sox..i just need to clear my mind...i wished i didn't care so much..i wished she didn't say we were making progress on Thursday...anything that gives me an ounce of hope to hang onto, i'll clutch with a death grip...this sucks

"I'm gonna fuck you so hard, your children's children are gonna be born not virgins"

Ughhhhh

Short..
not sweet

you know...i don't wanna sound like a whinny bitch on here, so i think i am going to slow down my posting...or maybe just alter it somehow....i don't want to already give up on something i just recently started, but which thing am i talking about....as for the blog, i don't want to skip days, but right now i'm to a point where it won't be pretty..those moments are left at home, not for on the court...so to spare you all, and my save face, i won't post today...like i normally would. just know that things aren't looking good and i'm probably feeling worse than ever before....we'll make it through this..i wish i were in troy.










"Carolina Liar"

Picking Up Where I Left Off

2 days..
today

i am woken up shortly before 1pm with a text message, it's my friend Phil with his daily text of prayer requests. his new found faith threw me for a loop at first, but it's kinda humbling getting a bible quote and prayer request every day. i do let a lot of his texts go by unanswered, but that's only because i never ask for anything more than guidance...i cant be greedy and ask for a Sox win, or winning the lottery, those are just foolish, all i wanna know is that i'm doing the right thing, that i'm in the right place, that's it's supposed to be like this. i think he knows that as i have told him before i appreciated the texts and to keep them coming..i just really liked the quotes, nice little quote of the day to start my day off right.

i gather myself and start to think about my day..my day off. i had originally wanted to get the The Hole and visit Buttercup, but that's because i thought she was working, and in light of last night's conversation we had, probably not the best idea. i commented on her actions in relation as to how i felt about them and everything else, it was a "you don't care about me as much as i care about you" sort of thing..well, she wasn't pleased with that.

phone goes off again, another message, who can it be this time...buttercup? she's making conversation with me, asking me what my plans are for the day and out of the blue she tells me i should come to The Hole today...are you kidding, i'm as shocked as you are..well maybe a little more than you are because i know the extent of the conversation we had just last night, wherein she ended it saying she was upset and probably wouldn't talk to me again for awhile...maybe my last minute pleas changed her mind.

i won't get into the details of it all, she hates how personal and detailed i get with things on here, and i can understand that...certain things ought to be left behind closed doors, there are no backstage passes to this event, you'll have to just sit and get there hearsay. i'll give you a synopsis, making things a little shorter for you

i go.i stay. i come back the next day....ok, well there is a whole lot more to it than just that, but i do go, i'm still a fool, i'm still in love. it's on the way down in the car i realize just how foolish i am, and how it's I that possesses the "Love in the Raw" i had been searching for..i've just been waiting for someone to share it with who has it as well...

we go on a walk, we talk about things, i think we are making headway, but probably not...i'm still hoping eventually there'll be this monumentous breakthrough and everything will be all bells and whistles again...it's the hopeless romantic buried away inside of me, but things don't play out like they do on TV..

we go to dinner, she calls it a date (she called it a date?!) she calls it a date, i run into an old co-worker, accidentally call buttercup my girlfriend to the girl, buttercup doesn't mind..unlike some other people who if i were to call them 'my girl' in context or out, they'd get pissed and correct it for me..

by the end of the night i think i'm gonna pull it off, i've got the bases loaded, all i got to do is drive in some runs...but there's a snag. we go out to the townhouses that buttercup and her friends have been frequenting, the plan is to drink and have a good time...but that's just a plan.

by the end of the night as we walk back home i know something is up, something isn't right, and so i ask her why she didn't drink as much or party like we had intended...and it all comes back to me.

now i'm just gonna go on record saying this; i can be an asshole, i can be a dick, i can have emotional abused her, but the one thing i have learned about relationships in the past is to not control the other person..if it's one thing my friend's failed relationships have taught me, it's not to tie a leash around your lovers neck. i know people are going to do what they want, i know people have their own lives to live, and if you join, well, they still want their own space...

the only thing i ever asked of my girlfriends, buttercup or whomever, is that they 1) be faithful, i know drinking and partying can lead to things, just please don't cheat on me 2) be safe..it's not you i don't trust, it's the horny males wanting to drug and rape you i don't 3)come home at night, whether it be back to me, you're place, or the girl's next door, come home...all these things pretty much flow into one another, and i don't think they are absurd things to ask for..don't stay the night at a frat house - common sense..don't fuck other guys - please...don't get yourself into a situation that's gonna jeopardize us - be safe, be smart..

i know when people go out to parties, people will grope, people will grind while dancing...i know that happens, i just don't wanna hear about it...go out, have your fun, just follow those rules and we will be fine...it's that leniency towards others i wish to have in return - do unto others as you would want unto you - i'm a very understanding person..i've lived a full life and have learned a lot, i expect others to be as understanding as well i guess..

but back to the situation at hand...not to get into too much detail, there just seems to be this self-induced feeling about having a good time and the jangus...like she can't be herself because of what i may think?

we lay down, i'm now in a drunk state due to a head injury..i'm awake, but she's tired.....so we pass out.

the next day we wake, i gather my things, i walk her to class, something feels amiss...it's not flowing like it did last night, it's like i woke up in another dimension..ok, maybe not to that extreme, but our departure was off..maybe she just had lot on her mind, maybe she was fretting the quiz she was about to take, whatever the case i could see her eyes glancing around me as i talked, never really looking at me, she just wanted to go..i did not..but i appeased her and ended my talk short.

i went back to her room, i needed to know what was up, i wanted to talk to her friends to see if they had an insight to all this, let them know it wasn't me with an ironclad fist of disapproval, i hate being seen as a horrible person..for when i didn't do anything to deserve it...if this doesn't show i'm trying to correct anything, i don't know what will...

with getting that out of the way, i went about my way, heading back home an hour away, i would have stayed of course had i not had to work. the drive seems endless, but my mind is in a place where time has no effect on it, i wouldn't realize i was driving if it were not for the random jerky movements of the semis around me to pull me back into reality. my head hurts from last night, as i rest my head upon my seat, not even the cushioned leather could accommodate the tenderness.

I return home and send off a text message to buttercup to let her know i didn't crash and die...i have about an hour and change to shower, change, eat, post a blog, and get ready for work. my lunch choice was last night's leftover pasta, still cold despite the 80 degree temperature for an hour for the duration of the car ride..why is cold pasta so good? after getting all that mundane stuff out of the way i check my phone to see what time it is, huh, no text back..i take it buttercup is napping as she said she was going to, i see the time and head off to work

work was a bust, we had less then 80 on the books and the managers didn't feel we were going to get the walk ins to get us over 100, they said they would make cuts, but like politicians, they just say things to make us feel good. schedules came out and already i start manipulating mine, thinking about possible dates for another trip to The Hole, my mind is consumed with the possibility of getting back together, and i'm giving it all i can. i'm off Friday, so i give up my Saturday shift to the new guy, it's a breakfast/lunch so it's not a big deal...but money does add up, and if you look at how much you would have saved if you weren't recklessly in love, well, just be glad you don't think about it.

i was in the back dining room, i was getting deuced to death all night, all sat 45 minutes apart, it was stupid. the highlight of the night came when my SA (that's server assistant) disappeared for a good half hour, easily...it didn't bother me so much as i would have liked a little heads-up, especially when i received my 'rush' - my first 2top needed their plates cleared, i was spieling my second 2top, then was seated with a 4 (an actual table, well, not when they aren't getting entrees..) i'm weeded now that my SA is gone, but it doesn't bother me, people ask if there's anything they can do to help...you see the empty plates, clear 'em - you see me spieling and just sat, greet them..by the time you ask me what i need, i'm probably already about to do it...

so the SA had been sucking it up in the past couple weeks, there wasn't a server in the place that liked him, not as a person, as a worker, and he had a limited section, as if he were still in training..this upset him and confused him...see, he was a casual dining server, coming from Friday's or something, and had hopes of being a server - i'm not knocking casual dining, i did it for X years and would love to do it again, i'm not saying good servers can't come from casual dining - it's just this kid had no experience in a higher end restaurant and our management team looks very down upon people with little to no fine-dining experience...hell, look at the shit i went through just to finally make it - 4 months Hosting, 4 months Food Running, lame.

i always find myself working my way up from the bottom up, whether it's because i can't sell myself properly, or the manager i am interviewing with had a bad falling out with one of the companies i previously worked for...now i like getting to know all the different positions, have an understanding a respect for them. i think training in those areas should last longer because i think people would look differently on those positions, feel sympathy and not this self-righteous eliteness they reign down upon the peasants..but then again, servers are at the mercy of everyone in the restaurant...

i'm ringing in the salads for my four top and processing a credit card for the first 2 when my SA pulls up next to me, nice timing. he starts to tell me how he put in his two weeks because he has another job down the road at one of our competitors, this will be the death of him...moonlighting is against policy, or at least i think it is, it is at any standard chain establishment i have ever heard of...our General Manager, Mr. B. Hewey, finds out about this tonight and has a talk with him in the office - there's the half hour he disappeared, i hope, and tells him because he is now employed at one of our competitors he will not be allowed to finish out his schedule with us, and sends him home...well funny thing as this is being unraveled to me, Mr Hewey himself comes around the corner, sees the problemsome SA and snaps.

"Ned, i asked you to leave, you are no longer employed with us, that is your decision, these people have orders to ring in, get out NOW!"

pretty intense stuff, but i just giggle to myself, i make the comment...soooo, now i officially don't have an SA for the evening, looks like i'll be pocketing that 3%...but on the contrary, they assign an SA to me, one who had already been lending a hand throughout the evening, so i didn't really mind when she was given to me.

the night winds down, my last two tables leave at the same time, my sidework had already been completed earlier, and i just wrapped up my sets, i was on the break for it. i arrive home shortly after 10pm, i think its a record, it sure feels a lot earlier than that..i check my phone to see no missed calls, no texts, not even a stinking email, why do i own a phone? i text buttercup to let her know i just got home from work..i think that's what she asked me to do when we departed earlier..

i change out of my clothes and crash into my bed, for some reason i'm dog tired, i guess i had been up since 9am for some unknown reason..when i'm with her, i can sleep, and when i'm with her, i wake up at a decent time...maybe she does bring the good out in me, because without her, well..5am comes around and i'm still typing away only to rise at 1pm...

i pass out - now people call and text me - i ignore it, i'll get it later, this may be an actual real sleep, i don't need anything to interrupt it..2am rolls in and it wakes me up...i just fucked my night up...i review the onslaught of interaction people tried to have me participate in, many people, just not her...

my mind now panics, what have i done wrong now i think to myself...everything was smooth sailing, we were taking steps forward, i revealed to her how i wait by my phone at night waiting on her calls, how much it tears me apart to not hear from her because to me that means i wasn't on her mind...what did i do, what did i do

it seems as if i find myself in this predicament a lot...there's some sort of rift, i start working my way back to get things going again, i do something completely stupid, and BAM, back where i started...then i rationalize if it's worth all the effort of trying again, but i always see the forward progression i made on earlier attempts, and that fills me with enough confidence that it can happen again, i can hit that mark and take a few more steps forward, and i go for it...

the rest of the night the thoughts run through my head, what did i do, why is she doing this to me, i can't take much more of this, she was online an hour before i woke up, did she not get the messages, i try again, what is going on...

the frenzy lasts all night, sleep is out of the question now, as if the nap didn't help, my mind is in a frenzy working on overdrive. TJ calls me from the hospital, i think the morphine has impaired his judgement of time. i tell him everything from the past two days events, i know he won't remember anything, so it's more for me than anything else. it'll be after 6am when i'll finally crash from the overload of emotion...all my life i've had to start at the bottom...i don't want to do it again.

"I want to ask why, but i know i shouldn't - Just don'tworry about it"

I'm Gonna Get in Trouble for This..

part two
part sad

With the breakfast/lunch shifts over i leave the restaurant and walk to my car..there's the sun.. shining down upon me as i put on my Ray Ban Blues Brother style shades..it's so weird to be leaving work for the rest of the day at a time like this. I approach my car and look to see if i got a ticket, it must be my lucky day. I return home just moments down the road, i used to bike to work, but the bike got stolen from my very workplace...so i resorted back to driving, walking is out of the question, especially for those who spend all day on your feet running around.

i return home trying to prepare for having the rest of the day off, and in fact, i have tomorrow off too, so this is like a holiday weekend for me it seems. maybe I'll hop back in the car and go for a drive like i used to, maybe I'll get together with people and do something fun, maybe I'll do something worthwhile for a change. i get in my bedroom, derobe and crash on my bed - who am i kidding, i need a nap from the lack of sleep the night prior. Though i know a nap will ruin the rest of the day for me, and especially cause a problem for trying to sleep later tonight, i really don't care, any time spent on not thinking about certain things is a plus, just hope i don't dream about it...

the nap turned out to be a full out slumber, i awoke shortly before 7pm meaning i had just taken a 5 hour nap...that's as much sleep as i get in an average night...good job - sleep is definitely out of the question tonight...i guess I'll be writing these blogs at 4am, per usual. as i pull myself together the phone rings, it's TJ - he's calling from the hospital so I'm sure to enjoy the conversation. he's having problems with the hospitals internet which means he's now trapped in hell, especially when he finally has a reason to be on the internet..i cant help but laugh, but oblige to help him out.

shortly thereafter the ex messages me, and she's not too particularly happy. she has found out about the blog (i wasn't trying to hold it a secret from her, i just thought she'd never look for it), and she's not happy with the portrayal i give her in my stories. i tell her i appreciate her patronage. then i go about defending myself, i read through the last thing i posted and see she is mentioned only in the first paragraph, and in all actuality, i don't see where she has a problem. she thinks i make her look stupid, she also thinks all my readers hate her, i couldn't sell security to that girl if i locked her up in fort knox. OK that's being a little harsh, i apologize..but looking over the blog and recite back to her lines that in fact paint her in a positive light..she dismisses my efforts and asks that i not talk about her on here anymore.

now, I'll let myself get kicked around more than i should, but when it comes to my freedom and rights, especially me sounding off or putting someone in place - that's when I'll stand up for myself...like braveheart, I'll go out fighting as i shout, "you can take my heart, but you can never take...my freedom!!!" now granted i don't want anyone feeling uncomfortable with the way i write about them in blogs, unless it is justified to a certain degree. i feel as if i have yet to play her out to be the bad guy, in fact i am still trying in hopes of making amends with her by changing my ways and doing what is right...now i know this will come back to haunt me because she'll say I'm doing something she asked me not to, and in typical Jangus fashion, i disobeyed the order, i guess I'll never change....which is partially right, I'm writing about her as she is still a figure in my life, i write about my daily life as stories told in type - she asked me to stop, but i told her i could not do that.

now i never mention my name, i never mention her name, i try to keep complete animinity...if you google search her real name, this blog is not going to come up..sure people who know me well enough know her, but people who are friends with her i am sure have heard all the negative stories from her about me too..her friends and family will never see this, nothing harmful or damaging is being said, as i told her the other night, if i wanted to make your life a living hell, it'd be done by now.

speaking of people who know people, isn't it funny how there are always two sides to a story, two sides to a breakup? she has told her friends all the horror stories, i tell mine how sorry i am. i go about trying to correct my wrongs, it goes unnoticed. her friends rally her on to not get back with me, my friends offer support as they see another emotion besides sarcasm. i know my readers and friends don't hate her, and I'm not asking that they do, I'm not going to twist the story to make the ex look bad...you know, maybe I'm not doing the right things...

anyways, so we are conversing about the breakup, as we always seem to do now, topic of conversation gets heavy and real, but then all of a sudden it is cut short, she has to go...this has happened before, i feel as if i am making progress, then its a "talk to you later" and i am confused....its like making a big meal, cooking it, plating it, then going to bed...you can go back to the food later, but it's not gonna be as good as it first came out of the oven...

i spend the next bit of my time finishing up The Waiter Rant...as i read more and more, go further into this book, i feel as if the author and i are one in the same - our fears, our hopes, our desires...again it doesn't help that we play a role in the same industry. he talks about a fear of failure which i can relate to heavily - Granted I'm assuming the majority of the population has a fear of failure, i mean look at George and Marty McFly, they were fearful of rejection...maybe that's what my problem with this most recent breakup is...maybe I'm trying so hard to mend things because if i don't get back together with her i A) failed at winning her over, and 2) are no longer fit for a relationship with her, henceforth single, hence being rejected...funny how a fear of failure and rejection can make you try..irony anyone?

i stopped reading with only 2 chapters left...in a way I'm afraid to end the book...as i said before, i need closure, i just hate endings...i could have easily finished that book off tonight, but instead i closed it and put it back on my dresser, more than likely I'll finish it tomorrow..just something didn't want me to finish it now, we'll see what happens.

afterwards i dick around online, watch videos, check on my bank account (something I'll do 4 times a day like the amounts will suddenly grow or something..) I'm trying to do everything i can to keep my mind off her, I'm trying to cloud my brain with every little thing i can so i don't think about her...it works for moments out of the day, I'll be so consumed in something i forget about the rest of the world...if i could freeze frame and replicate a certain instance, that'd be it. i wished i didn't care, sure i could probably turn it on like a lightswitch, I've been known to do it countless times before, but I'm supposed to be changing - also it's not what i really want anyways. i think blogging is going to help me out even though i said i didn't want to bring the relationship into my writing, i find myself doing just that from time to time - i guess it makes for good day time TV...

it's kinda hard to not include something such as that into a creation that lives solely off of your feelings, thoughts, and daily life...and if my feelings, thoughts, and activities just so happen to include her, who is she to say i can't write about them...what can i say, I'm a martyr.

i won't lie to you, lately I've been really down and out about this whole thing, but there's more to it than just her...I'm also upset about no longer having the opportunity to transfer to Troy. it was nothing that was my fault or within my grasps of controlling, they wanted to have me..but as they decided to bring me aboard my spot was filled with employees seeking to return to their positions from before...having troy pulled out from under me also knocked me on my ass about returning to UofM..

with the breakup of my girlfriend i wasn't too sure about continuing with the move to Troy in the first place - it was just something i was doing for us..just like Josh Lucas' character in Sweet Home Alabama, i wanted to prove to my girl that i could be something too - but now that Troy wasn't even an option i am left confused in my life once again. stopped dead in my tracks of life, i cant see through the overbrush to know where the paths go, let lone where they are anymore...

turns out the ex didn't even read the entire blog or other posts, for she had no idea i wasn't going to move to MI..i ended up breaking the news when she made a mention of me moving 500 miles away. apparently she just read the first paragraph of the most recent posting and got steamed when she figured out it was her..and here i was thinking that she actually started reading about me and my life, my thoughts, trying to understand where i was coming from and how i felt, or did the things the way i did...here i thought she actually cared..i guess she tried and was turned off by the end of the first little bit of blog. again, my fault.

i continue clicking away at my mouse, always frantically moving from one tab to the other, multiple browsers open, just a slue of activity to keep my mind off things. a human instinctual desire takes over my thoughts. lately I've been so depressed i don't even wanna look at another female, so much to the point where i cant even get an erection. now that's bad, when you're a young, virile male and you cant rise to the call of duty, you know something is not right upstairs.

time passes, my mind slips in an out of consciousness. i find myself in a surreal state unaware of how much time has passed since i was on the computer last...i haven't fallen asleep, and i am wondering if it is at all possible - getting to sleep right now might save this evening, but i know better, I'm dreary and wore out emotionally, yet not tired enough for sleep. as i become more known of my situation it's clear what i just did. i determine my place to be in me bed, out-stretched, stiff as a board, on my back. My left leg crosses over my right at the ankle, my hands are placed firmly under my buttocks. the semen soaked sock still wrapped around my now flaccid penis..a pillow covers the top half of my head. the only thing that feels good about what i did was it relieved the pressure inside me, the naturalistic need was satisfied, but of course it only made me think of her. as i lie there with a sense of guilt hovering over me i hear my computer make a noise, somebody has instant messaged me and instantly i know who it is...i pull myself up and over to the computer where my thoughts were confirmed, it was her..guess it was my server's sixth sense kicking in...










"its not up to me anymore, if you WANT me in your life, you'll find a way to PUT me there"

Chapter B...

for breakfast...
this reads like a book

it's 555 am and I'm pulling into an alley to park my car - god i hate city parking, 2 hour meters, parking lots, all wanting exuberant amounts of money..nothing for free...the alley i park in I'm likely to get a ticket, the 20 minute unloading zone signs scatter the curb but don't properly label where to and from, so i use this as my escape goat.

it's too early to be at work right now the sun's still asleep, the restaurant lifestyle is not conducive to breakfast shifts. i thought the last breakfast I'd ever have to work was on the cruise ship, hell, that was the first time i realized there were breakfast shifts. For all you servers out there, thank your lucky stars you don't have to put up with this shit. as a reward for waking up on time i stop on over to the Dunkin Donuts recently constructed on the corner from my workplace. it in itself is a double reward made in part by my pastry selection, the much coveted vanilla creamed manager's special. very similar to the Bavarian creme filled, these on the other hand are chockabok full of a creamier , less gelatin inner..they are hard to come by because the store will only make so many "shells" as they are called for the day, and when they are put out, they fly off the shelves, there would be no chance of me getting any if i were to work a lunch shift.

i make the donut purchase and head into work, it's gonna be a long day but i try to make the most of it..like a drone i get right into the motions of brewing coffee, making bread plates, butter sets, the norm for breakfast; the other person who managed to pull themselves out of bed for this god awful shift takes sugar caddies out to the tables and sets up the patio...i like to keep busy so after the initial breakfast setup is complete i like to knock out the lunch pre-shift duties as well, gotta keep myself busy, gotta keep my mind off certain things...

the time nears close to 8am and i am winding down cutting lemons, i take this moment to pause and enjoy my breakfast, a donut and Gatorade, if America runs on dunkin, i got the Gatorade to replenish those electrolytes..I'm half way through my meal when i see Shelly come around the corner to tell me i got a table. Shelly's another body crudely brought into work this shift, she's a new hostess so she gets the ass end of the shifts, mainly the mind-numbing breakfasts...

i put down the pastry and take one more swig from the bottle..as i head on out to greet the table i check to make sure i am actually in uniform, wiping off the powdered sugar in the process..jacket buttoned, tie on, whoops, forgot my apron, no biggie..i pour water for the guest who has excused himself to the restroom, i gather that much without his presence from the fact all his belongings were still on the table, so i go back to the kitchen to don an apron.

i grab an apron from the stack and walk away, upon unfolding it i see that someone has tied the strings into a knot. i go to undo the problem, but quickly rationalize it is too early to fiddle with tossing it in the linen basket and go back for a second one..ahhh, much better, now back to the lemons. Servers have a sixth sense about them when it comes to the industry, it's like they have a built in sensor to let them know when their food is up, or when a table will need refills, or when a table is ready to order, pay, whatever, today in my case, when the guest has returned.

i slice some lemons thinking about my blog, what i am doing it for, what i wanna write, where the direction is going, all that shit..its not long before i decide to check on Mr PeePee. I turn the corner to see my gentleman just sitting down, perfect timing, i greet him, offer another beverage and he gives me his order..i go to the POS terminal and realize i have yet to clock in, great..there's a couple hours out of my life I'll never get back..

breakfast entrees are cooked relatively quickly, so i wait just a few moments, the order comes up, and i deliver the food..i return to the kitchen and continue where i left off on my pastry delight. my mind still wanders over the website, how i wanna go about it, even as i stand here and eat my breakfast I'm actually taking notes on the very thing you are reading. it's kinda exciting to have something back like this, also knowing i have a small fan base..i call them fans, you call yourself readers, whatever helps us sleep at night, and for me..well, i need a lot more than that.

those of you who have read the Waiter Rant probably will see similarities between his writing and mine - it's kind of hard not to assimilate due to the fact we are in the same setting, using the same forum...as soon as i start reading a book i spend the rest of time with an inner monologue, like i am narrating a book to myself, as if i am a character off the pages of a book...i guess it helps with the writing..

my moment of zen was interrupted by Shelly telling me i just got another table, another one top, he wants an orange juice and he's in a hurry. I greet him, pour him water, address i know he's in a hurry and ask for his order.

"How long does it take to get a meal here?" asks the gentleman
"Our chefs generally expedite the breakfast entrees in a prompt fashion" i reply half expecting him to now order the steak and eggs well done.
"well what about the waffle and pancakes, which is quicker" the man interjects
knowing it only takes three minutes to make waffles from my cruiseline experience i figure pancakes should be the same, "about the same time sir"
"well, what about this...yeah, I'll go with that, i just want something light anyways" the man says pointing to the Healthy Start option.
"Excellent choice sir, I'll have that and your orange juice out to you momentarily" i say, removing the menus and begin to trot off.
"Don't forget my juice" the man yells to me in the distance. i shudder. this man just broke a cardinal rule of being waited on, listen to your fucking server..not only that, but he ordered the one item i am in control of making.

Now instead of being a dick and invoking a little server revenge, i just want to get this guy his food and send him on his bloody way, less time with me makes me a happier me. i make up everything and head on out to deliver it, upon dropping it off i see that i got sat with my third table, another single. As i greet this guy i feel warmed up to him already, maybe the other tables were enough to get me going, we joke and it's light hearted, he order the waffles and i ring it in.

i go to the host stand to check on Shelly and read the papers...its the only thing you can do to keep yourself awake at this hour, conversations are minimal as everybody is still trying to wake up. my other two tables are ready to pay now and I'm still waiting on my third tables food..process the room charges, reset the tables, still waiting...i go to the kitchen and ask where my waffle is, i check the ticket to see the time of when i rang it in..10 minutes ago...10 minutes on a waffle...good thing table 2 didn't order that.

the restaurant clears out, our rush for the day is over..sure we're likely to see a couple more tables wander in, but the pop is over, as sad as that is. Shelly and i sit down to eat our breakfasts together. we talk about random things, still getting to know one another, standard stuff people talk about. i give her the quick run down on where i been and bless her heart she said i didn't look a day over 24..i still take it as a compliment. i know these looks won't last forever, i know the stress of my life is gonna soon catch up with my face - granted i may be a baby now, but the crow's feet are already settling in. i feel old next to her youthfulness, in reality its not much older, but in a developmental stand point it is...she's still gonna go through things and experience life, make bad choices, and age with wisdom. I've been there, I've done all that, not saying i don't have anything more to learn, I've just gone through the standard adjustments in life..age is only a factor when you're young..you put the two of us side by side in ten years, then there's no problem

this realization makes me think about my most recent relationship, why it may not have worked out...I've always viewed myself as being a lot younger than my actual age...25? no, more like 21, if that...granted i don't go out and party like a 21 year old, my mental state would make you think otherwise. and i partly blame myself for the whole relationship...sure she was young, and i thought i knew better than to get myself involved in a non-fullydevoloped woman, but i was made to believe that things were different this time.

it's funny how the older i have become, the more jaded i got as well, i think that's a standard related ratio comparison easily graphed for anyone. i would look back on a time when i was younger and love was blind, now i know why they say foolish young love...young love is the best and purest forms of love i have found to exist..it may not be based on the best facts or held together in the best way, but it is what is it, unbreakable (to an extent). how many of you still love your first loves, and how many are still with your first loves, exactly my point. i could get high off that shit - if you bottled it, you'd make a fortune...

There came a point somewhere after the Bloo move i wanted to go back to a time i beleived in love like that, where you'd do anything for that special someone, where you haphazardly built your world around the one you loved, back to a time of 'love in the raw' (hey, there's the marketing camapign name for youglove when bottled, a spin-off of Sugar in the Raw)...and then i thought i had a chance at that all over again with my last girlfriend. i moved, there was love, no mater how we each faulted we were both crazy about one another...but again i find out why they call it foolish young love as i collect yet another chip into my heart of stone.

Shelly scrapes the last bit of egg off her plate which jolts me out of my thoughts, she had been talking the entire time, or maybe i had, the last thing i remember telling her was about moving in with my ex-best friend's ex-girlfriend. there's a pause as she downs the last bite, then she turns to me and says, "everybody's smart, until they fall in love" We gather the plates from the room and clean up our mess, i go back to working on the lemons i left awhile ago. i hate working breakfasts

"The best pair of titties are the ones that are in your hands"

I'm Bring it Back, Foo

Old Habits...
New Swing...

so the first thing to happen to me on this started with text message that awoke me from my slumber around 1pm...I'm not complaining that it woke me, i don't need to sleep past 1 regardless of the time i went to bed the night/day prior. it was from the ex, she wanted to know if i randomly paid a visit to The Hole. i was confused as i remembered i worked a double and responded no, but curiosity sparked and i also asked why...was there someone else leaving love notes and flowers for my girl, er ex girl? well as it turns out, the guy who the ex had been hanging out with, some coworker, had his car keyed...she said she didn't think it was me, but i guess the guy did..i ramble off how i don't know the guy, never seen him nor the car he drives, and that i had no motivation, what kind of crazies is she dating?! she reassures me that they only hung out a few times and they are not dating, besides, he is going to jail tomorrow...and this is the kind of guy she falls out of love with me for, nice..lol

after the wake up i brought myself to finally get out of bed and start my day. While in the shower i soon realized i had a lot of little things planned for today - never a free day off...and you wonder why i sleep in so much..i made multiple phone calls, got things organized, and yes, even worked on this website - finally getting it UP and Running...so now everyone can be happy

I'm playing around with the layout and gadgets off to the side..there's some things visually i want to change, but it's a work in progress so bare with me please (any ideas or suggestions would be nice...) one thing i want to do is make the margins smaller, so the text is a little wider and there is more space between the post and side items..

one thing i have to get used to is this new "Title" bar...it's really throwing my old ways out of wack...i liked it before when i had a Title, subtitle, and then an opening sentence to get the ball rolling..all worked together in a nice little melody, it was music to your eyes people...but now this title bar thing..it's not even listed IN the blog post space and it's all highlighted when i post...so what i am thinking is I'll just have to switch my order up completely backwards..the closing sentence will now be the opening title, and the two latter phrases/words will be my subtitle guys...to understand what i am talking about read some of my past blogs...you'll get it and appreciate it-it'll be the first and last time you see that done-a pure moment of brilliance..

another thing that I'm already getting nutted on now, and have in the past, is my lengthy posts...yes, yes, i know they are a considerable size and take a lot of effort and patience to read...but the long posts are few and far between...come on now..these were my first posts in a really long time..in fact the last time i made a post was on November 11, 2007...and it wasn't even a real post, as i have my standards, it was merely a cry that i wanted to post again..and before that it was on February 19th..and it was a lengthy one as well...it was part of the Hawai'i Series and i doubt that was really the last time i wrote in hawai'i, but it was certainly the last time i got around to publishing it....

but give it some time..i'm rusty and it'll go from me saying every little thing and detail that happened to me, to a brief synopsis that gets to the main point...and if you're lucky you'll have multiples...err, several posts in a day...if not, just check out the twitter feed to the side entitled, "Instantaneous Gratification" for those of you who need to be constant in the know..err, stalking me...

i really like how the twitter application is off to the side though - i have been utilizing the twitter website as my means back into blogging...short, concise blogs, or twitts if you will giving you a basic idea of what i am doing at that current moment - and the ease of the update is unreal..first i had the text option, where i would send a text message from my phone to twitter who would publish what i posted...it was almost like inviting someone out with me in a way "At work...fuck this place" or "hungry, i'm thinking arby's?" all you have to do is get in the habit of doing it every time you do something..and who doesn't carry a phone around with them all the time? Now this is a self-given stalk..you are basically telling anyone and everyone what you are doing and where...so i guess be careful? i know my stalker will soon be onto me once again...hopefully the idleness of this website over the past year has made him forgetful of it..but once he randomly checks this site,it'll all be over...

anyways, twitter then added an app for the iphone, which i downloaded immediately and have used ever since, no more texts, rather its a smaller version of twitter, just on the phone...nice..one problem i do have from time to time is i DO want to go over the 140 character limit they have..yeah, character, not word, but character...you know how i love those ellipses too... .... ... ..... . . .. . ... .they make my day, like little rabbit poo..."oh my god, a rabbits' been here!" - "oh where, i love rabbits?!" conversation i had in my head just now..sorry for that...

let's get back on track here...I'll try to keep the words to a minimum..TJ says 250, I'll try, but then again you must ask yourself, for what do you blog..is it purely yourself and therapeutic, is it for your friends or family for them to see how you are doing, or do you wanna have hordes of people reading, commenting, and you get famous off this shit...if it's the latter, abide by TJ's rules he's well read up on, if it's for any of the other options, be free...there are no rules to a blog..poor grammar, spelling, length, consistancey...whatever....its for you, do what you want

oh...one thing I'll do that i kinda picked up on and liked was the stagnant posting...like, I'll write this blog about Tuesday in the wee hours of Tuesday into Wednesday and I'll post it sometime Wednesday mid-day or so..and it will have the post time and date showing that of Tuesday, not Wednesday...so you'll be a day behind, but not really, but kinda...it's just an insurance thing, gives me plenty of time to try and push out a new blog as i would like to get one, at least one of something out there...maybe if they had blogger for the iphone....

well, I'll let it end there...my night took me for all you can eat shrimp at the Lob..i think i got to 35 in 35..which was good because i was in a hurry to go and see Mindless Self Indulgence at the Murat...now it's already the next day and i have to be to work at 6am..ughhh

"It's 3 a.m. - she won't put out - Lets go make out with her friends... I'd rather fuck you than kiss you"

Trying to go for two in a row here....

keeping up..
and keeping it real...

Ughh, I’ve got this really upset feeling in me..as I left work it started in my stomach, whether it was butterflies or hunger I’ll never decide, but now it has seemed to flow through my body and enter my head...i almost feel as if I am hung over...on what is what I would like to know...

Tonight at work it was pretty shitty...well this morning’s lunch was just god awful, any time you barely have one table and tip out a third of what you made, barely making double digits a lot can be said. I told my story of Bob Dylan’s song and all the random connections I had last night with it to my bartender, she’s a believer in signs so she definitely felt it meant something...but what? Sure you throw signs at me, for once noticeably enough for me to recognize them, but I have no idea what it means or what I am supposed to do with it...it’s like giving a baby a loaded gun...err, that’s too graphic..

I suppose the day started off with a kick when while in preshift the managers were talking about a party in one of the private dining rooms for some Obama campaign or some bullshit...so one of my fellow employees speaks up and says, “oh, I’m sure the jangus would love to get on that party..” everyone just turns to me and without hesitation I pull myself up from my slumped position where I had been daydreaming of something else and say, “fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuu”, and slumped back down...everyone laughed, even the managers, my work there was done.

Besides only making ten bucks, I never left the building tonight, I didn’t work straight on through..but I got off somewhere after 2 and just sat around eating food and talking with people...Greg stayed and chatted it up even though he was the breakfast guy, he’s also the one who made the obama party comment to me..love that guy...he’s definitely fun to work with, able to play right off my humor...uh-oh...did someone say replacement TJ..i think not....this ass only has room for one dick.....god that sounds gay..

I really just wished that I could have a audio recorder for the dialogue in my head...that would be a blog I’d be proud of...everything in my head, they way the thoughts flow and are so crisp...thats what makes me wanna blog..but my poor typing skills are not up to par with the speed of my thoughts...and I’d do audio recordings, but I don’t want to talk to myself all the time...i guess I would even settle for video blogs..but those have to be sooo rehearsed...i just want cameras to follow me around all the time, then people would appreciate and understand my quikiness..???

See the thing about this blogging is....its not very cohesive to my lifestyle. You see I will sleep in at any chance I can get, I hate mornings, and I hate waking up just as equally much..put those two together and I’m not a happy camper...and to get a good post you got to talk about what happened throughout your day, and that cant happen as soon as you wake up...so naturally you must blog in the evening...well that’s whats so hard - most of the nights I get off work ad return home around midnight, that’s not going out either...and as soon as I get home I have to respond to texts, calls, comments, check on updates across the land...its a process...and even if I try to slip away into the night and blog right then and there, there’s always someone who’s been waiting for me to get off of work that would like to talk to me...

I like to make these blogs in a one sitting, one constant flow venture. I cant write a blog and im people, I cant write and call people, its me and the writing as onlies..sure I’ll pause and look around, have a moment of hesitation, but nothing really to break my train of thought...sure it may seem like it lacks structure, but it is pure, raw emotion bleeding off the pages...i’ll be honest, I don’t read any of this over before I publish it...i mean yeah I want my blog to hit a couple of notes, try into everything nicely, and end on a solid note....but tats not what always happens, I’ll get off on a tangent, meander around in lostville finally realizing what I wanted to say, forgetting half of it, and finish sloppily..hey, it works for me...

Now I will try and go through it and correct some typos, but other than that the only time I read it is when somebody makes a comment on something I said or directly quotes me out of it, then it’s usually me wondering, when did I say that, or what context was that in, read it through and then comment back...these are all just fleeting thoughts that if I were to not put onto...paper...err...screen, they would probably be lost forever, and so my writing style treats it the same...it’s a rant to make me feel better, and for your enjoyment.

Ughh, something must have really did a number on me...i was hellbent on writing long-winded blogs and actually trying to figure out how to publish them..i didn’t think I was gonna sleep tonight and just be dicking around with this shit all the while, but now, now I just wanna sleep....but I’ll write because it’s on my mind..

Hey..can you guess who just got interrupted? Oh yeah, that’s right, me! You know...maybe I am coming off a little mean sounding when I say “interrupted”, you know its not like I don’t want to talk to these people, because in reality I do...i just happen to pick the worst time to try and write a blog...people have been waiting all day to get ahold of me, and once they know I’m online, something gets updated, BAM they are on it..who could blame them, I mean I love myself...i’ll just wait til 4am to blog...every night...

I am starting to feel a little better, go figure, it was only four hours ago when I first started feeling bad...maybe it was just dehydration, that could explain the ‘hung-over’ like symptoms...maybe I’ll start working on the actual blog website like I promised...

“Life is like a bad blowjob - it starts out all fun and games, but before too long you just want it to end..one way or another”

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Like a Pheonix from the Ashes,

this blog is reborn....

It’s 3am on a what used to be Sunday night and I am blogging for the first time in a decade...ok, a couple years, but it’s seemed like that long to me and my following, and after a tumultuous night like tonight, who could blame me...I’ve attempted to keep a log of activity and sorts through the time that has passed, some failed attempts at updating the blog, others would be saved as word files stashed away in a document file like a box in the basement covered in dust - others are captured via a digital recorder never to be played again - and still others are scribbled away in a book only I can decipher...so at least I have attempted to keep it going.

When I was aboard the cruise ship one of my waiters told me how much she wanted to blog, and get back into writing...so I said, “then just do it”...i had to keep on her, to hound her....you can talk all you want..but actions speak louder than words, its true...there was nothing stopping her from writing, she just didn’t have the discipline...and if you really want to do something, you’ll make time for that, literally and figuratively. That’s why when TJ said to me tonight he wished I still blogged, I replied, so do i...because I do, I do miss it as a means of expressions, cheap therapy, whatever you want to call it I think The Jangus needs a little of it back in his life...

I guess it all really started with the purchase of a book entitled, “The Waiter Rant” by The Waiter. As I started to read through it felt a sense of connection, it seemed to parallel my life - not too hard, I am a waiter myself, hence the purchase...but the line that struck predominately was, “waiting was meant to temporary til i figured out what i wanted to do with my life...that was seven years ago”. Granted I have only been serving for four years, that’s close enough in my eyes...oh, one thing I will mention..he uses the word waiter, duh look at the title, he seems to be an intelligent person, yet doesn’t use what I believe should be the correct form, as I have been taught by others, server..waiter is such an outdated word..like saying stewardess...i don’t know, I hate to get all PC and shit...but yeah, server, not waiter...

Random story over, the Waiter essentially started everything out with a blog...he kept it updated, started off slowly, took a couple years off, got back into it, gathered a following, and walla, a book published from his stories...kinda the same deal with the Tucker Maxx every guy guy....if you ever notice any hostility towards these two, it’s rightfully noted to be jealousy...i seriously hate the fact that any other server in the country could have done the same, or probably are doing the same thing, and have a book published, be all rich and famous...just for telling the stories that happen on a daily basis across the world...these are everyday people telling stories I know firsthand..why didn’t TJ and I think of this..it’s not hard, how’d these guys get so lucky...and there it is, it’s just that..dumb fucking luck....

But back to what’s at hand...what an amazingly fucked up night it was...i guess it all started with a tune I had in my head...the song “It’s Alright Ma (I’m only Bleeding) by Bob Dylan. Whether it was the news I had just received that made rock bottom just fall out or just what I had that ditty in my head..Maybe I wanted to hear it for that past couple days or so who knows, but I kept it fresh in memory and decided I’d play it when I got home...but much to my surprise it was no longer on my playlist...now I know I have listened to that song a hundred times before, but now that you mention it I do recall a time when I transferred all my music over from my desktop PC to my laptop mac and lost a few files along the way..that must have been one of them...needless to say I did a quick search for it and started to download it...now while my RoadRunner internet it grand, its still a 7 minute song, so I searched the lyrics because it had been awhile since I had actually heard it in full...and as I scanned over the lengthy amount of words there was one line I pulled out, one that stuck out in my head particularly much, but it wasn’t the verse i normally go to..this time it was, ”he not busy being born is busy dying” Such a powerful phrase I don’t know why it never caught my attention before, or how it caught mine this time...i im’ed it over to TJ..we were talking about twelve other things, as usual, so I sent it over to him again made it a point to get his attention on it..he still blew it off...he likes to read, but he’s not one for the pretty words, go figure..

The song downloads, I play it, listen to it, it repeats, conversation on aim slows down enough for me to start reading more of The Waiter Rant...and as I near the end of chapter 15 I shit you not the Waiter actually quotes it. Of course I flip out, started im’ing TJ - I’m one who believes in things are connected, signs, and all that other weird shit that goes on, he’s got much a more level head on him so I go to him for balance I guess. I ask him what are the odds that all this could have happened, he's reserved and replies with slim..but then it gets out of control when TJ visits The Waiters website. I’ve only been telling him about this book for the past two weeks thinking he’d look up the website, go out and buy the book like he normally does, no, he waits til today to do any of that, and whats the title of the Waiters Blog for the day..."Gallbladders and Death" just plain out errie...

About this time is also when all hell broke loose. In my need to keep moving I have an internet browser open with many tabs for me to click on and check the latest updates of things going on around me..the normal stuff like twitter, facebook, myspace, my fantasy football team, gmail, all the shit like that...it gets old believe me, and I’ll just sit there and click on every last on of them, refreshing their pages, just to see something new...anyways I noticed I had several notifications on facebook, comments on my pictures, and people tagging themselves in them...well, one person in particular, the ex. So I look to see what delightful comment she mad about some picture of us together she didn’t want to see, at least that’s what I am thinking, but low and behold it was on a picture of a friend of mine, a friend who’s a girl, and so I’m confused, until I read the comment, then I get really confused...”Nice to know I was the only girl in your life.....”

Now let me make this clear...my ex was the only girl, as a girlfriend, in my life when she was my girlfriend..now I did have friends that were girls I would hang out with that she didn’t care for, but still just friends...i am outraged at the ex’s comments and I make one back, a lengthy one telling her how it was an old friend I hadn’t seen in over three years, the picture was in fact taken after she broke up with me, but there was no intent on either party for some random hooking up or anything of the sorts, it was more of a “hey, I haven’t seen you in three years” sorta thing...is it that hard to imagine?

But in reality I posted these pictures earlier today, with full intentions on what I was doing...i purposefully didn’t tag the ex in any of the pictures because I felt I didn’t need to do so as she was the ex, I mean she’s already been untagged out of every other picture I have posted...was there more intent than that, I mean I rarely upload pictures to begin with..but my summer series was intended on having two parts with the first already posted, and summer has pretty much came to a close here, so why not...in fact I probably picked other pictures I wouldn’t have posted should the ex not be the ex, it would have been more of us, so I just threw a few in...maybe the picture of the old friend was too much, but it was the most random day of the summer I’d say by far..

But the picture of the old friend, aye, theres the rub...the photo was taken solely because the clothing, actions, and presence reminded me of another picture I had once taken...actually, now that I pause and think about it, this will be the second time this old friend has had a double photo..now that’s just weird...she’s...she’s like a fucking replicater or something...HOWEVER, the picture was posted not to upset anyone, it was merely the only documentation I had for what I called the most random night of the second half of summer..no harm, no foul.

So comments are made, texting the ex begins and I’m getting in trouble for doing the one thing she hated that I did when we were together, have friends that were girls...i’m trying to make this work and she throws that in my face...as if having a girl pause friend is that bad...i never meant any harm by it and didn’t know it would cause this commotion..

During this time I noticed via my facebook notifications that the ex is tagging herself in photos...then after the argument she starts untagging herself...leaving only a few, one of which I lok like I’m an asshole because I wont look at the camera due to the fact I’m driving in downtown Chicago trying to not get us killed...so I flip my shit and decided to give it to her, she got tagged in every single one of those pictures she was in, whether she liked it or not...maybe it was just too much proof that she did enjoy hanging out with the jangus...i don’t know..i never will

Needless to say the texts go nowhere, I’m sure she threw her phone, turned it off, or just ignored it all together, I stopped getting replies so I stopped bothering...but all the while that was going down I started to get other im’s and text from others, people I hadn’t really talked to on a daily basis...it’s amazing to see the people who come out of the woodwork when you’re feeling blue. A good friend of mine whom I never really get to talk to on a regular basis asked me if I was ok, just out of the blue..i had to ask her how she knew something was wrong, apparently my status updates via my twitter are a dead give-away for a heartbroken Jangus.

The friend, as well as others, actually said they had never known me before to show any other emotion than sarcasm and for the first time they see me truly upset...well, it’s been a couple years, probably around the time I blogged last, if not prior that I had any feeling such as this..things like this are reserved as some sort of nonrenewable resource..

I conversed with my friends, told them how I did wrong, let them know what’s going on in my world, repeated the phrases that crushed me that nobody should ever have to hear and I’ll save you from reading them - they offered me their support, it felt good to know I still wasn’t a fuck up in everybody’s eyes and that I had a shoulder to lean on when here I thought I was sure to fall.

After all that dust settled, all the commenting on pictures, the text messages, the pleas, the support I thought the night would be coming to a close, but not tonight..i keep asking if it’s a full moon but I don’t think it is...in just enough time for me to catch my emotional breath, THE EX comes online, we all know her as, well, I don’t know, bitch? Or I really don’t have a name for her...anyways, I keep her on my buddy list in part because it’s set up through my address book from my phone..why do you have her in your phone you ask..well, she’s listed as the contact as “Don’t Answer” if that gives you any clue...i was tired of getting a phone call or text every other year from her and not knowing it was her, so I safeguarded myself against any future plight I may have...So she appears online, the only person it her buddy list category so I notice right away; and what do I see but her away status is that of Bob Dylan’s “It’s Alright Ma (I’m only Bleeding)...are you kidding me?

Now this leads me to do the unthinkable and probably regrettable, I im’ed her..just commenting on her status..she didn’t reply, instead she changed her status to say “Fuck yourself”, nice...i commented back and that got things going...i was a fool for messaging her in the first place, by letting my guard down I opened a flood gate of shit to come plowing down on me...she called the ex smart for leaving me, good for her, called me a drama queen, a lier, a horrible person, the same person she knew when she was in highschool...to all of these things I retorted back shooting holes through every one of those accusations..she couldn’t just tell me straight up how I wronged her or somebody else, she just had made her judgement and wasn’t gonna change it..this sounds like a couple people I know and one already listed.

I decided I had been nice long enough and blew her out of the water asking her a question that we both just overlooked out of necessity...i got hot and asked, “remember that time I was in chicago last year and you wanted me to fuck you..but i didn't, because it was the right thing..wasnt it? i'm not that bad of a person after all, am i?” of course she, shellshocked, tried to blow it off with excuses of being drunk, unsatisfying, and that was a year ago, but it happened none-the-less, and I refrained from acting upon it, like any good hearted person would have done. After that slap in the face the conversation went more casual, no more yelling or arguing or name calling, it became quasi-pleasant...but of course she had to leave on a sour note...i was wrong for im’ing her...fucking status

So throughout this whole debauchery TJ was laying the smack down with quotes and status updates to help support my cause...my favorite is when he posted a status as, “
TJ says "LEEAAAVEE THE JANGUS ALOOONE!" like that YouTube guy sticking up for B.Spears...” that definitely put a smile on my face, as I think it would for anyone even looking at that nonsense..

i try to be strong, I try to be devoid of emotion because it shows weakness, and when you’re weak, you’re prime for the kill, just like The EX tried to do..she’d probably been planning on ripping into me like a wolverine as I have become a wounded fawn..TJ’s there as my go-to guy, I call him my coach as he is doing his best to snap me out of this funk..and the things he says are completely accurate and true, I’ll admit, he’s right this time, but I wished I could just remove this feeling of care, that’d make everything better...you could beat me the wrongs of the ex til I bleed, but I ill still miss it...and are these things that TJ says to be so true, granted the ex did not like it when I hung out with girls, or added girls as friends on facebook, and other really absurd stuff that I would complain about..but I also manifest hatred and wrong doings to make me out to be the victim...it’s a horrible thing I know...but this is why I hate relationships, this is why I cannot commit to anything..i never wanna get hurt, but when push comes to shove, I’ll turn you into the bad guy and wear the victim mask..i don’t know it it’s because I’m afraid to fail, afraid to stand on my own two feet, afraid to take responsibility for my actions, and if so...the bigger question I want to know is, why?

So as my computer laughingly tells me it’s 5am I realize I should be wrapping this up..yes I have a lot more to say, but I don’t have the time, nor the appetite as my stomach is growling once again. I am sorry it had to end on this note....oh, how did rock bottom give out...i’m not moving to Troy..goodnight.

"He not busy being born is busy dying"