Party Time

When..
Where..

that's all that really matters...

I was reminded last night of a funny little anecdote that will forever be one of the greatest pranks I have been apart of. The year was 2005, early 2005 like March or April I'd say. I was hanging out with a man, who in a short time, would become my best friend; this is just one of the reasons why.

TJ had been hanging out with me since his breakup with his long time girlfriend, with the removal of one person the addition of another, me. We had been hanging out more and more and on this particular night we found ourselves at a downtown bar. If I recall correctly it was 2for$2 Skyy Vodkas, and we found ourselves there frequently.

We were sitting at a table discussing life, women, typical bullshit when the alcohol finally triggered the social engineers in us. Before you know it we had invited some ladies over to join us and continued chatting it up. As time grew on, the ladies had some friends join and as great as this seems, TJ and I were losing interest fast in these people. They weren't adding to the conversation well enough, and we weren't drunk enough to look at them, but they were digging us, go figure.

Needless to say, we decided to move the party elsewhere, the party meaning TJ and I, and elsewhere being away from them. As we got up from the table, the ladies, who were still oblivious to our disconnection, pushed for a future close and invited us to their places this upcoming Friday, apparently they were hosting a party, maybe Hawaiian themed or something, regardless they wanted us to come. It was at that time something clicked in my head, and I can't say the same for TJ, but the light in his eyes made me think we were scheming the same idea. So in one of those unspoken mind conversations, we acted really excited about the party and got the address.

As TJ and I headed out to regroup elsewhere we started to discuss what our brilliant ideas were. We were going to crash the party. However, this wasn't any typical type of crashing, this would be duping of a greater number of people.....

So the next day at work we decided to hang notes in the server stations next to the POS terminals and in the mini breakroom - the typical places you'd find notes from other employees looking to pick up or get rid of shits...it's a billboard for servers. I remember as we were writing them up TJ couldn't believe what we were doing and just kept chuckling. Now, we had a pretty good group that we worked with, and if there was ever a mention of a party, publicly announced, you were sure to get the entire restaurant, FOH and BOH, to show up. These notes we created we for that Hawaiian party TJ and I got invited to the night prior.

I know, you're thinking no big deal, just wait.

It wasn't long after we posted the notes that word got around, it's a restaurant afterall. And shortly there after one of our fellow co-workers runs up to TJ and says, "Oh my god, you're having a party at your place?! Finally!" And runs off. Now you see, nobody at work knew where TJ lived, not even myself at that point in time. He had lived in the shadows of the restaurant social life for his entire duration up until recently, up until that breakup. For him to make an appearance while we were all out was a rarity, if it even happened before. So for someone who stood back, outside from all the events and things we all did together then have them take that step inside our circle was a big deal. People were not only excited about a party, but they were excited to have TJ become one of us.

As the week went on, more and more excitement grew amongst the co-workers while TJ become more and more anxious. I remember him trying to have a momentary bit of reason and tell me that he couldn't continue with the rouse, he almost brokedown and told a coworker the truth, but I stepped in before any damage could be done - the joke must go on.

Friday night finally came and TJ could barely bear it...while at work everyone kept talking to him about the party, I don't know how he didn't crack under the pressure. We finished our shifts and left with telling everyone to show up whenever they could. We headed to our respective homes to change over, with TJ coming by to my place when he was ready. We stayed at my place and drank while the texts poured in from everyone wondering where we were. Meanwhile I'm working the ladies from the bar who's house everyone is now at in order for things to flow properly...imagine the scenario.

Me texting girls: Hey, TJ and I will be over in a little bit. TJ had to get some gas first.
Oh, hey, TJ was wondering what kind of beer should we bring, or if you needed anything at all?
Random stranger shows up at girls house: Hey is TJ here?
Girls: Oh, no not yet, but he's on his way...

See, by saying is name enough in the texts to the girls, the name is fresh on the mind of the ladies, so that when some random person comes into their house they aren't as alarmed when that name is said...it's kinda like a Pavlov's Dog trick...

The night continued on and I guess the party raged on over there..see, our work force liked to party..they had been hyped to party all week long..whether it was TJ's place or not it didn't matter, it was the crew and alcohol..what did they need more?

At some point in the night I turned to TJ and suggested if it would appease his well being, wanna move this party to his actual place? And that my friends is the night we found out where TJ lived.






"Is it sad that one of the best parties you ever threw wasn't even at your place...and you didn't even show..."

Well Lookie Here

I guess I was wrong..
i was caught...

apparently i do tell a lie...

When it comes to talking about things, I'm known to never hold back - no topic ever seems too off the wall or controversial for me to take on. No issue has ever been too personal, from telling about my testicle surgery to some other embarrassing moment from my childhood, i'll discuss anything...I'm an open book. But then again, amidst all the talking about everything else there are only a handful of things I don't talk about so openly, and will more than likely avoid at all costs. One particular topic is, me.

"How are you doing?" A question we all ask in daily conversation, or at least some variation of it. When posed with this question more than likely I'll hand out an auto-response ranging from "meh" to "alright" - and then probably go into elaborate detail getting completely off topic. A distraction method that always works 99% of the time.

The topic of how I'm really feeling, what's really going on in my world, my mind, my whatever is such a scary private matter that I hardly ever want to address it. I can express many emotions, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'll tell people when I'm upset, I'll scream things from rooftops...but when it comes to talking about me and feeling sad, forget about it.

Granted there are occasions that I'll open up - rare, rare occasions...usually involving alcohol or hitting absolute rock bottom or a combination of the both. I know I got that way around Christmas time this last year, it wasn't good.

Should those stars align and you get that call from me (possibly crying), know that shit has just got real..this is probably you're one and only actually gateway and insight into my mind...all those bottled up feelings and emotions have burst free and are on a one way trip out my mouth. please do me the advanced favor and take care of me in that time of need.

Then again I say take care of me as if you actually care - caring as indicated that you're actually there for me and won't in mid-breakdown decide that it's getting late and you have to get going...caring as indicated that even should you be as cold hearted as that you'll check back up the next day or so..caring as if when you finally do decide to "check up" two weeks later you start the conversation off with "i only have two minutes...is everything ok?"

If you only have two minutes, you don't have enough time for me to tell you anything..let alone get a sentence or two out...So when you ask me "is everything ok?" and I give you a response, know that it's a lie.

I lie because I don't matter anymore, so it doesn't either. The in-genuine random front of caring to earn back karma points, to help ease your own conscience of the wrongs that took place can come to a stop. I'm letting you know your community service is over...because I'm not a fucking charity case. If you cared you'd make the effort...but I knew better, so I hope you understand when I say I'm alright.

I never lied when I cared, but I did as soon as you stopped.



"Me-I'm good..
G - Are you lying?
Me - I'm good.."

I'm Only Happy When It Rains..

Well, not true...
I mean I like rain and all...

I only blog when I'm upset....

I have recently been accused of never blogging when I am happy, that I never write nice things about people, that my blog is a pit of despair....I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I guess it never really occurred to me, it's never really been brought to my attention before, and now that it has I'll naturally try to defend what i'm doing here...

Now I'd like to first and foremost dispel any rumor that I never post happy posts..never is such an infinite word and I never like to use it...sure happy posts may be few and far between, but there's most likely a reason for that...And no it's not the "my life is constant shit" excuse like you may be expecting to hear, however, it's the same reason why I hardly read books and such. I'm out living my life.

Now there are plenty of awesome stories about my awesomeness that have never been told on here. Why? Simply because I'm out living them. When I write it's a 'heat of the moment' type of thing. It's me writing, telling, exploiting these ideas and feelings for the first time. These manifestations are pure emotion, wrote at that time. I don't hang on to those feelings for very long, and get them out there as fast as possible.

When 'bad' or 'negative' things are happening around me, i'm more likely to be less active and just sit with those emotions. When positive activities or whatever are in my life, I'm out enjoying them to the fullest, not sulking around or sitting behind a computer screen.

This goes the same for why I don't read books. TJ always harped on me about why I didn't read that much, as you could always find his nose in a book. I told him I didn't have time to waste reading about other people's lives when I could living my own. I'll watch a movie because that's a couple hours or so out of my life I can deal with...but, I can't read a book in two hours..I don't have the attention span for that junk.

So when life is good I'm out living it..however, there is a flip side to my reason as well. As I explained to my friend, people respond better to tragedies than comedies. It's true. Sure, I love to laugh, people love to laugh, people love to feel good...but sometimes, those happy stories just make us more irritated with life. We see a happy ending and depending on what's going on in our own lives we attack it, we feel like those happy people are just rubbing their smug lives in our faces, we despise the happy story ultimately.

Tragedies on the other hand, allow a connection for people. People can relate to a sad story. People create a bond with the situation or characters based on personal events in their own lives. People's sense of loneliness vanishes as they realize others are struggling with similar situations as their own. Afterall, misery loves company. And for some, when they hear of a bad story they make a reflection on their own life, noting that maybe their own struggles aren't so bad afterall, and have a more positive outlook on their own life around them.

In a twisted sense, tragedies are actually positive stories when you break it down like that. I write tragedies not because I'm constantly depressed or anything like that, but rather because that's when I have the ability, the time to express my emotions in a passionate way.

That, and because it's cheaper than therapy....









"writing does for the mind what the moon does for the wolves..."

Ab-

-stain...
-duct...

Absolutely no reason for this nonsense....

I go to the gym, I work out, I do so because I want to stay in shape..I want to be healthy..I want to be strong..I want to have a better build to my body, something other than being scrawny. I'm not super gung-ho about hitting the gym...I go in cycles..just something to keep me active and not a fatass. Of course I, like many guys, have the vision of that cut body, muscles, and ripped six-pack...but now...now I'm having issues with that last part.

In today's world, the six-pack on a man is now weirdly equivalent to tits on chick. It's almost disgusting, actually, it is. When I was growing up sure there was the appeal women had for men with fit bodies, but it wasn't so sickishly hellbent on a six pack...i shall now call a sick-pack....Our heroes then were different...the guys we boys wanted to be like were different...they were men. They weren't this long haired, scenster freakshows that walk around pretentious as fuck because they duped a society of young girls to think it's cool...

My dashboard, newsfeed, whatever feed is constantly spammed by stupid people posting pictures of all these guys showing off their sick-packs...which inturn get these stupid comments from other stupid people. But as sad a display of soceity that is, what's worse is if you were to see these actual pictures that are being posted. Sure, yeah the guy has a sick-pack, but that's all...there's no other muscle definition whatsoever....it's just a sick-pack (Now the term makes sense..) He's just some scrawny guy with some abs...who probably gets winded doing a push-up.

You know, all you need is a body fat percentage to be under 12% for your abs to start showing...so what these guys have done is basically starved themselves and 100 situps every day to look like that....while the rest of the body withers to nothing...those guys are stupid...and to the women who find it attractive and keep posting it everywhere..you're just as stupid..

I used to want to have a six-pack, but now with this superficial revolution of whatever this crap is..I don't. I will keep true to myself and go to the gym, like I have done before, keeping myself healthy and not scrawny..because i'd rather have a decent overall package than put my focus onto just one area and look ridiculous..

besides, the girls that like that are bitches anyway...







"Yeah, that's great that you have abs and the girls love it...but, you weigh a buck twenty and can barely hold yourself up, how the hell do you expect to fuck....i take your girls, pick them up, and toss them around like a man...like how they want it...psh..abs...."

Secrets Don't Make Friends

secret
lovers

hush your crush...

If I've learned anything thus far in life it's that history tends to repeat itself. As much as we try to learn from past events in hopes of not letting things happen again, all too often we fail. I know I've talked about how I will forever be the deleted chapter out of everyone elses lives, and well, here we go again on that topic...

I'm tired of playing the role of "the secret" - I am much greater than that, of this I assure you.....or maybe not given my track record...but regardless, this role has to come to a close, now. I can recall on too many fingers just how often I've been another person's secret...whatever the circumstance allows whether it be because the woman is married, the parents don't like me, the friends don't like me, not the same religion, not the same race, not wealthy enough - it's a position I know all too well.

Growing up I've always believed in what was shown on the TV, people persevering over the odds. The women in these situations would rise up and finally take a stand against their oppressors; placing what mattered to them first, letting the passion shine, not letting anything get in their way on their pursuit to happiness. I found that life does not imitate art.

It never happens like that, at least not for me. The women continue to be ruled over other people's thoughts, and I continue to live in the shadows of their lives. This of course only causes more problems to arise throughout the course of the relationship. It's not fair to either party. It's not fair that the women in these stories have to suffer because of other people disliking another...and it's not fair to me to live like a troll.

One of the last things I would want is to be the resultant of stress onto someone whom I cared about's life. Though not the direct reason for the stress, indirectly causing the stress due from others levying their intolerance onto the woman. And because the newest addition to the mix with all the stress and woes is me, the *not so* easiest solution is to cut me out..

but is that necessary? is that the right thing? whatever happened to people actually standing up for what they believed in...knocking other people down a peg or two...letting them know it's their own lives and to fuck off if they didn't like it....am i the only one yelling this right now?

I'm not only tired of being a dark kept secret, but I'm tired of having people in my life held down by others, which ultimately effects my life. Maybe I'm just sad that I'm not a strong enough reason to break the shackles that tie those down...whatever the case, I'm over being treated like a sheltered and forgotten child that the adopted uncle keeps locked away in a closet, never seeing sunlight...

I'm better than that..and I deserve more than that.







"that's what i'm screaming!"

Present

(a)
(the)

it's all a matter of perception...

I had just woken from a mid-day slumber in my car, one of the joys of getting a two hour lunch break is it doesn't take me two hours to eat. I normally go for food first then a nap only because the timing of lunch varies so much, and of course I want to get as much sleep as I can squeeze in...but today was different, still fighting with this cold and everything else this week I felt tiresome and when the time came, I changed plans and napped first.

It actually worked out pretty in that I awoke before my alarms went off, I love when that happens. So I headed to the chow hall to begin my day, again. Feeling a little bit recharged and out of the office I had some me time to go over things in my head - a dangerous game any time. I tend to always get food from the mainline but I saw they were serving up chicken Caesar salads in one of the side lines and happily found myself in line there.

While waiting I started mapping out my feelings, recent feelings that had found their way well above the surface. I wasn't paying much attention to where my thoughts were taking me, just letting them spill over and I was hanging on for the ride. When the lunch lady handed me my plate I quickly saw the black olives tossed about my lunch, guess I wasn't paying attention to that either.

Once seated I decided right there to take a stand for myself, for my feelings for once. It wasn't an ultimatum, though when people make demands it is easily confused with such. Rather it was just the reality of the situation, me taking the responsible role and trying to do what was right. Of course this all sounded good in my head.

The day went on and the plan seemed solid. Later I went home and ran into my landlord who just so happened to have some mail for me. He handed me a package apologizing for opening it saying how he thought it was his. I told him it wasn't a big deal and was excited to see what I got, mail is always exciting. We sat and talked and right before we departed he proceeded to say, "yeah, it's a book...didn't want to ruin the surprise."

Soon there after the time finally came, time to put the plan to action.....or so I thought.

Isn't it funny how things are different when they are finally presented. How we can go from wanting one thing, to wanting the opposite in a blink. How everything you planned for is suddenly out the window. How you think you got it all figured out, like that giftbox, but when you open it up, BAM, something entirely different.

When the time actually comes you tend to lose your mind, just like losing your place in a book page...everything's a mess..like me...like this...









"what's in the box!?"

Cold

the temp..
and what i'm getting...

Ughhh, I thought i had all my shots too...

Just a quick little update..I know I'm on a three-day weekend and planned on actually doing something, but my plans, much like my immune system, have been compromised...it's only a sniffly head cold at the moment (i refuse to type atm because I giggle...) so we will see where it goes from there..

I would like to note how cold it gets here over night...yeah yeah, bark at me all you want about "cold" but when I go outside, in SoCal and it's 34 degrees out...I'm not a happy camper..granted by 10 the temps are back in the 60s..I just hate living so close to the ocean sometimes...

I wish I had my cold cocktail supplies because that'd knock this shit right out...








"you're a Marine..and you have a cold....seriously....."

I'm Slacking..

..apparently...
but whatever..

i do what i want.

It was brought to my attention that I have been "slacking" in my blog posts..with the turn of the new year turned yet another chapter in my life turning as well..i feel as a moderate break from posting is good..i always would get mad at myself for producing just random angsty crap with no real profound message or meaning..and i think forcing yourself to write everyday does just that. I should write when I feel passionate or wanting to tell a tale of..whatever it is i do...

on the other hand, one could argue that the every day writing is what keeps the author up to par...in a sense it's practice makes perfect...the posts you write everyday, regardless of the content, push your abilities as a...whatever you want to call it, an allows for those memorable posts to come later.

so there is my dilemma...to post or not to post...well, maybe i should get some posting in now before I go to Korea in February...

oh, wait...did i forget to tell you that....









"not that it matters..metallica was right..nothing really matters.."

Start Me Up in the New Year

out with the old..
..in with the new

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ?

Sometimes kids, you realize that the term "best" is more of a time frame than a state of being. When thinking in terms of things or people, those "bests" don't always last. You find yourself soon realizing someone you would have put your whole trust unto has disappeared; their moments of caring ticked away like a clock. I realized this shortly after midnight turning to this year.

You see, the turning over into a New Year means a lot; who you ring the New Year in with kinda sets the tone for how things are going to be, those are the ones that (should) matter most in your life; you kiss that special person with that magical kiss to start the new year like the big bang as fireworks go off all around you. And it's not limited to just those with you, but those with you in heart, who send you the calls, the texts, the little notifications letting you know that they wish to have you apart of their lives in the upcoming year.

I was fortunate enough to celebrate the New Year three times this go around. Being on the West coast does have that advantage(?) I suppose. Around 9pm calls and texts rang in from everyone back in Indy and elsewhere east coast - that's where the majority of my well wishes came from. One hour later my Chicagoans followed suit, however, in a smaller quantity. (Freakin' time travelers...)

It was right after that I made my way into my New Year celebration destination, and it would be shortly thereafter I would discover what is and what should never be, but more on that later.

When midnight hit here in Cali, there were no massive amounts of texts or calls - by then the majority of those I know had already hit the hay..and of course, it got me thinking.

...that people really take me for granted. That I'm some sort of dispensable novelty with an expiration date. And I'm not talking about everyday nobodies - though, I'm sure even to them I'm something much more than you ((you as in not the reader because obviously you are reading and therefore care, but I couldn't say them because it would have gotten confusing)) ever made me out to be) - I'm talking about those who have claimed I've made a difference in their lives, that I mattered, that I was something special, something great..someone they said those three magical words to...ily

I thought back to a couple days earlier when I was having a rough patch and as I finally made that effort to talk to someone, I was discarded..without so much as an attempt for a follow up call later in the week. Or how about not too long before that when I finally opened up with the real truth to someone, someone who stated they weren't going anywhere, and was erased from existence.

If people really don't care now, what is there to say that they cared then either. In a lot of instances nothing changed, the dynamics of emotion and caring were still present, at least maybe on my end. No matter what or how it all went wrong, that doesn't change how I feel; so why should it for them? Is it wrong of me to be a man of convictions, and if my mouth breathes the words that the actions have already occurred in my heart. I can't take back caring for someone when they were a significant part of my life. I understand people part ways or go on with their own lives, but to stop caring altogether?

It was in those moments as I stood on the rooftop patio, cell phone in hand, vodka tonic in the other, that suddenly..i stopped caring too.

Just because someone tells you they care, they love you, they want to be there for you...it doesn't change anything about who they are. It's the same as if someone were to play classical music while they raped you...it may sound nice, but their actions are tragic. And you can try to hold onto that speaker of words as long as you want, hoping to drown out the real pain..but in the end you realize you can't polish a turd, and that some people are just shit.

You see, sometimes the best resolution is that you just need a little start in order to stop.









"...5...4...3...2...1...Good Bye"

Gone Designer

Stand Out..

Subtly.

A new addition to The Jangus Collection...

Everyone now-a-days has their own clothing line out, from failed actresses to singers..it's a little ridiculous, but I guess it's another way to make a buck..manipulating their fame and money to attempt a 'childhood dream' that they didn't pursue...or some crap
...over-saturating the market with more labels..

Anyway..this is my take on that christian louboutin character and the red plastered soles he has as his signature..as I am not a fan of red, and like the more subtly classyness of the blue, of course I applied a little blue paint to the soles of my men's dress shoes.

Shown in the picture is my experiment run, but after that was a success, I quickly painted the other shoes in my collection that instant.

Fun little way to start off the New Year I suppose..Fresh New Look







"I just add Blue to everything..that's my shtick"