Oscar Sunday
missed out..

So i never got around to making my picks for this..Which, if we remember i fucking rock at...we all remember last year where i was able to pick the winners in the most important categories..yeah, not this year...

Pure Brilliance...
..and i found it..

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5559480173&ssPageName=MERC_BC_RSCC_Pr4_PcN__Stores

WNDP21!!!
Estrogen Party more like it....

Yeah....girls like no tomorrow...but not in the good way.....

So in light of the recent debacle and the existence of the WNDP in question, the crowd was a little thinner than it has been in the past few times, things were seeming to be growing; then with the mistaken drunken words of, "it's over" people got the wrong idea and were hesitant to return this time..understandably so, if I heard the words, "I fucking hate you guys" said loudly admist a party then told not to ever come back..yeah, I don't think the next week I'd be back either....

but some did show up, those troopers, the die-hards, the ones who's lives ultimately are made by the essence of the WNDP's..and to those people, I love you..Neil loves you...we both love you and thank you for your undying commitment and faith. Loyalty. it's true though, without our peasants we would only be kings among ourselves, and that's not as fun....

so happy story short, the WNDP's continued and will continue...but as for what direction they have been taking, well that's under review....

you see..at one time, WNDP's were all about getting down on the dance floor..killer concept, hell the title of event has Dance Party in it, so it's understandable to want to get down and shake it like there is no tomorrow...Conversely though, I had no problem with this, there was another key aspect to the WNDP's that made it very special as well....the inter-mingling. the brilliance of these two forces, while opposite none-the-less, work together to mold an ideal WNDP. They could both be going on simultaneously, or one could outweigh the other at one point, only to have it shift tides later in the direction for the lesser...

and that's what it is all about...people getting down til they're sweaty, and then hanging out on the couch, more than likely drunk as hell....

but the third element is now breaking the ideal mold and what once was a cop-out option, now is the fore-runner of the event. That homewrecker was DDR.

I'm not going to knock the DDR playing, and I have let it stand on it's own....but the fact that the momentum has changed so drastically that people come over only to play DDR and think that is the real reason for the dance parties is a little too much to take.

The living room isn't the hangout place, that would be reserved for the kitchen, I mean come on, there's a frickin' couch in there already! The living room should only be used when the party reaches a size that would warrant it to be used as a hangout, other than that, the lights are out, the TV is off, and everyone should be on the dance floor or in the kitchen....

In my mind, DDR is held in the same respect...if you want to dance, DDR is not in the choices, it's to the dance floor with you..fool. If and when the party is so overwhelmed the living is now another hangout spot, a place to relax, then DDR can be played. Another time that DDR should appropriately be played is towards the end of the night, in the last quarter or so, when people have gotten their grooves on enough, the dance floor is clearing out, and people are drunk as skunks and what to test their coordination skills with a little foot stomping...

But now that is far from the case...I allowed for it to go on this long, and now I have come to the realization that something must be done to detour this train wreck from altering the original course of what dance parties should really be.

and ugly story short: as the "crowd" thinned out, or the party seemed to slow to a null..all that was left was a group of women talking about their goddamned girl problems...Jim was on the couch and as I exited the kitchen he said, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you" I stopped, looked, over heard just a bit..and concluded the party was officially over and the woman were having their own little monthly meeting of sorts.....

but as a good host that I am, I did check on them periodically....

and yeah, end of the night came slightly early, but understandable...

You Win Some...
..you lose some...

And if you do anything but win, you're a fucking loser; whether it be losing, tying, or comprosming, you suck...



Alright, so this is the post about the outcome of the infamous, "House Meeting" and holding the fate of the WNDP's forever.





compromising...

way with words...

not kicked out...

moving out nesxt year...

won something...

naturaly ending, like basbeall game....

What the Link??
...I don't get it...

so, ok, I got a problem...

does anyone else see the links that have just randomly appeared on some of my blog postings..is it me, my computer, or did somebody hack my blog?

whatever the case may be..I don't like it..so therefore...I am pissed...

feedback appreciated..






if you think that time might change your ways...don't wait too long

everytime i go to the rtegion, something comes back on my shoesss.sss

Hypothetical Scenario....
bare with me...

this is just a little rant that took place as an online conversation, so things happened to go really quickly, so read it like that, strikingly...

random girl gets drunk at a party..goes home with "cute" looking guy, I quote the cute because she's obviously drunk...things happen, once again because of the intoxication.....

but as not to seem like a whore and making it a one night stand she calls the guy back...a relationship is then built on those grounds...

they talk almost everyday...but something is off...

you see, the timing wasn't right, a recent breakup had left the girl in sorrow, morning her ex...it's been a couple months and she was "able" to move on...to another guy

BUT when that relationship took the same role as the past one it only rekindled past feelings that were once recently repressed....

timing is so ever wrong again as the girl and her ex's anniversary is approaching

feeling the need for the ex, they start talking again..

mind you the girl and random guy are still talking

she doesn't want to make any commitment...she wants to keep her options open, and who wouldn't, can't blame her....so she plays them both off...till one sees his way out the door

enter me, rather, exuent me







"You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed"

Sunday...
Bloody Sunday....

so yeah, Sunday had to be the worst day of this year, and it's only February..great.....

I did actually have a slight moment of highlightation....I was told my hair looked good, which is completely random because..that's how I do my hair..it's completely random and therefore it is also bad because I'll never be able to do it again like that......and one more good point, I know, TWO, was when somebody told me my jacket looked very nice..I'm not sure of the exact wording, but they really liked it...I love my jackets...

and then off to the bad...short version: I didn't do a thing all weekend, very unproductive - makes me feel worthless, I've been sick - which causes the unproductiveness, so I cough and hack, I chipped a tooth ( the very tooth I had the dream about), work was work, I almost got kicked out of this house (ironically enough only hours after I was asked by a friend if I was kicked out after rumors he heard...), people trying to tell me what to do, forced food down my throat, group meeting/intervention, girl who was possible potential is no more, and the word compromise in it's fullest bullshit sense....

so let's get straight into it, shall we? I'm downstairs, in my room ,minding my own damned business, not interacting with the rest of the house because I could give less of a good fuck...and then Jim comes down...Jim was sent as the mediator between the two parties, in short because he was the only person who would want to talk to me, and who could actually talk to me...so he came down, we chatted, he dropped the news that the other members wanted me to "change" or move out.....

WHOA, change?!?! who the fuck?!!!? change, I despise that word change..Jason Angus changes for no man or woman; and he has yet to change! I will forever be myself...I have been the same way I have always been...I am not a changed man, I do not go through changes whenever I see fit, I'm a conservative, and we conservatives do not fucking change....there was a person who actually had the audacity to tell me that they thought I had changed in a period of two years....I wanted to throw them through a wall, because honestly, nothing is different about me...

I mean sure, there might be slight deviations from what the norm was....but nothing everso drastic to be called a definite change....everybody has a few degrees they can go off course, but to go totally 180, is completely ridiculous....

also ridiculous is them telling me to move out....what's rule number one, don't tell Jason Angus what to fucking do, I don't care who you are......yeah, them telling me to get out will really make me want to do that...honestly, I'd love to see them even try....I'd torch the place before I willing left under their command...

so we had a group discussion, everybody came down, took a seat to talk about...god only knows.....

hostility flew at first when an inane and asinine comment was made, with me retorting with somewhat of an attitude, but not really that much - I was trying to keep my cool, but a comment was made that was intended to provoke me, such comments only warrant uncivil tones....don't believe me, I got the recording to prove it!

so yeah, they deemed I had a hostile tone, obviously they did not see, or rather, hear what was actually said...I didn't know I had to preface my "thinking time" through audibility....whatever....

and the most hurtful thing to me, was when it was mentioned that people have compromised to meet my needs, but I haven't done a thing to meet them on theirs...we got the ol, "if it ain't Jason's way, it's no way...", god, how often will I hear that phrase in life...

well for starters, what I say is right....I will fucking put a god damn guarantee on it..when it comes to matters of this or that, I know what the fuck is up, I know what is right and what is wrong....I'm not saying I know everything, because I don't, and I'm not going to act like I do...all I'm saying when I comes to things I know the answer to, you better believe it's the right fucking answer....

and just WHAT have they compromised for me??? all I've asked is that they clean up after themselves...live like human beings and not like fucking savage animals...there should be no compromising there....it's either you clean or you don't...you clean - good; and if you don't, what the fuck, you deserve everything I say to you...there is no compromising when it comes to keeping things in order...either you do it or you don't, there is no clean every other time, there is no half ass cleaning - that'll just piss me off even more by showing me you suck at life, even when you try, you fucking fail...I don't think it should be considered a compromise in my favor to ask that we live in a fucking tidy place..that should be everyone's desire....

AND another thing is....they tell me it is hard to come to talk to me...really, I'm sorry, did you forget where I live? because last time I checked, IT WAS DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS IN THE SAME HOUSE. wow, caps like crazy....apparently they got this feeling I don't tell them what is wrong with me/them, I don't tell them what is on my mind....

well....for one, I do...nobody ever listens to me though - and I say listen because hear and listen are two different things...I know they hear me...but they don't want to listen....and I'll admit, I really don't have very good skills on putting what's pissing me off "delicately"..I'll do my best, after that first time though I hold no barriers...

so then after I say things, which is really hard to do, to actually say, hey, that pisses me off..but it's been done...we go to notes...only because talking to people, obviously doesn't work...and yes, there is a step in there which includes me blogging about it, but that isn't intentional, that just comes up as a thing that is on my mind...and since I know for a fact that people read this, there is yet another outlet for them to "listen" to what I am saying....so back to the notes...notes happen when things like this happen, people aren't home and you want to express your disgust adequately. and in the recent case of this house, nobody's really been home when I've been around...if I wake up and have to go to work, it's not something that I want to address right then and there...I have to get ready for work, this will take time, and I just fucking woke up, give me a break....same goes for when I come home...I get home, if there is someone here, which hasn't been the case, not anyone I really wanted to talk to, I am still coming off of the work high/low...things that happened then and there are fresh on my mind, I want to unwind, relax, and maybe get something to eat....the same goes for when those who were not present with my arrival, do get home...I know they don't want to walk into the door and hear, "alright, you got to stop doing this, it's pissing me the fuck off" you got to give them their time as well...

sooo, now looking at that, has there been a time to talk...my answer is still no...and especially difficult it is during this time because I have gone into cave mode...reclusive fuck the world type shit...so I don't actually want to even go up the stairs to piss let alone talk about shit that is bothering me.....

and yes, I do hold things in..only because I have hope that people can learn, people make mistakes, things will resolve themselves....I think in my head that their fuck-up is a one time thing..they forgot to clean something, whatever, it happens, maybe they were in a rush...whatever the case may be, I give another chance...and because my nature is to keep giving chances, it just builds up, without ever resolving....people are inheritanly ignorant, I've come to this conclusion...I should stop with the second chance, no more..but you see...I'm ignorant to that....

so to keep this short..well shorter than what I could make it..I'll just go ahead and post the outcome of the "meeting" at another time...for now, this is me saying goodbye



Language is the source of misunderstandings

Dr. Jekel V Mr. Hyde
Bluey V Johnson

Let's do a little bit of a literary lesson here, it shall be fun...

alright, two sides of the same symbolic character, ohhh it's deep. and let's hit close to home by telling you I'm talking about myself, la la...yeah, so there is a definite difference in my personality right now....there's house me, and ten there's not in the house me - yeah, I can actually pin point the times the two kick in...as I am leaving the house, soon as I cross atwater...and when I return, it's usually 3/4 of the car ride back when it hits me and I become sluggish and outraged...

when I'm at the house I stay in the basement, only going up to use the bathroom or to leave...I don't partake in any other the house discussions I hear going on..I am sleeping everything off...and just stay down here..once I hear people I will go back to the tent, throw covers over me as to hide the sounds of their evil presence...

(funny how whenever I do go up the stairs, I have to turn off lights..whether it be the hallway lights (and it's daytime) or the lights on the credenza....funny thing about those lights..I'll come up, it's around 330am and the lights will be on, so I turn them off...I come up again say it's 8am now, the lights are back on...they're not a set of night lights..I know it's dark at night..but you can actually turn on a sequence of lights, and turn off a sequence of lights that are helpful to your needs believe it or not....I don't know, it's just like the porch light..that thing goes off when everyone goes to sleep, so it varies on time, no later than 2 though...door gets locked and yeah, lights out...whatever I'm not going to argue this, I'll just take the light bulbs out at night..and probably forget to put them back, so now they are purely ornamentation...fuck)

at work it takes a couple minutes for me to be sociable again, forgetting what it is like to be around people (being around people who not necessarily care, but don't not care as to the extreme of hurting you and your life) at work I open up, I'm talkative, I sign and dance, I do my thing..work is now my escape, which should never be the case in any situation. you should never really praise you are going to work, only to escape the abuse you receive from the house you stay at...

but it's counteractive, this being in the house..I feed off of their evil vibes...everything is working against each other, and thus making it hard to defeat any particular one thing.....I am getting sick, which inturn makes me delusional...the stress of being in this house only worsens the sickness, prolonging it's stay only to make me more delusional...then all the delusionalness does not allow for me to eat....not eating doesn't help the sickness and also makes me crazier...being in an unstable state doesn't help the mood that the house has - especially with me carrying around a knife everywhere I go and writing notes in blood...

if it weren't for the distractionary period of me going to work..crazy shit would go down....the time I am at work is like a reset button, clearing up the mood for a couple hours I had at the house...

all this is really crazy and irrational...

*I think somebody is taking out the trash right now......yeah, that's right..*

yeah, so being cooped up in here is just making things ten times worse..you can also throw in cabin fever, haven't gotten there just yet, but soon will I'm sure...so my best thing to do is take some time off and leave...thus clearing my head of all the problems I face every day here...clearing my body of the sickness...filling up my body with food (hopefully)...and cleansing my spirit with new adventure....only to return again and hoping this cycle doesn't happen again for some time...

so long story short...house=evil side, not here=better side...Bob Johnson=evil, Bluey=good...yeah, that's right....we've all known Dr Johnson was my alter ego and arch nemesis at the same time....



you make me wanna LA LA

Not as Angry as it Sounds...
Everyone is Worthless....

you know what sucks...when you just don't care for a thing...

at first one might ponder the great possibilities of not giving a good fuck about something..take the example of anything bad in your life..not caring about the bad could be somewhat good..not getting stressed out over something that you can't fix is a good thing...but in reality, not caring is not particularly a good thing at all...

what about the things you may be able to correct, if you don't care, you're not going to take the effort to fix them; maybe past experiences where you tried to fix something proved futile, so what's the point now, now that you don't care...

but if you don't care about anything, what's the point? what's the point to anything, better yet, your existence - maybe not going aa far as to say at all, but here...what's your point here, you're doing nothing but hurting yourself....

I really don't give a good fuck right now about anyone, or anything in particular - certain fucks are trying to strip away one of the few things I may have actually cared about, and insignificantly enough, by stripping me of that they are also stripping away any sort of "friendship" that may have been...way to go, take away what I care about only to make me loose it and loose what we had, you're fucking brilliant...just how many birds are you planning to kill with that one stone? can we say magic bullet theory in real life...

other people that particularly piss me off, weak people. why is it that any time I actually have people on my side to defend something, they crumble worse than a cookie - does Pity Party ring a bell. I still do not forgive those soulless bastards for splitting like they did, obviously not true to anything but being traitors...I really fucking hate people....

how can you say you have beliefs of any kind if you are able to abandon them at the sign of a fight...if the Jews weren't so stupid and Jewish I would commend them for sticking to their faith after many years of persecution..because honestly, what's belief without having faith even under fire?

so for those of you who have fled, for those of you who have turned your backs, for those of you who try to kill the very essence of me, fuck you. I know that really doesn't sound like much, verbalization would be much more effective...honestly, I could care less about you right now. I don't want to hear anything from any of you..better yet, I don't even want to see you..that would make me happy...anything you do try to say to me, I'm gonna tell you to cram it up your fucking ass with your middle finger....I don't care what it is you have to say, you can say, "Jason I love you" "Jason you rock" "Jason I'm sorry", I don't want to hear it..it's too late for any sort of redemption, you've already killed me

I opened up the fridge when I got home, everything was re-arranged, mainly my milk was on one side and my thirst rockers was on the other...and if anyone who's being going into the fridge could tell, there has been an unspoken ordinance where people have their own 'rows', which helps to alleviate any questions of "who's it this"

at that very moment I said to myself aloud, "what's the point..what's this for...what if I just left....picked up and left..I could do it...yeah...it's more than possible...well than do this...just got to make some calls..."

a completely unrational absurd idea went in my head, processed itself and tried to make a plan of action...even at times I wonder about myself...

I didn't gather any trash today, didn't take it out...neither did anyone else..I remembered, it was just cold when I got home last night...and I needed to shower after I woke up today...whatever, I don't care...at least I remembered and know the days of trash and recycling collection....

so in the end...I don't care to talk, to anyone..this blog will be, and forever be, my outlet...I hate people....agian I've been let down....and I really don't think they'll ever understand just what happened this past week because they are greedy ignorant dirty people...I bid thee good day.


.....Toodles......

No Go, Still Bad...
nothings thicker than blood...

Don't try and fix something that is dead...

so I needed to get out yesterday..needed to get out and away from the house..believe me, it was the better for me and everyone in the house....so I took a gamble and decided to try and make myself happy..I tried for an instant fix....but I don't remember a time when I've ever had an instant fix..more like things are 3/4 better over a gradual time process,then something happens where it jumps it right to the end...but nothing greater than that...

but I tried it, hoping that a good rest would have been enough time, bleeding would allow for the cleansing, and writing a note would make things better...getting across just truly down to the core, how I felt about things, how far I was willing to go for what I believed in....so I ended up shopping, clothes shopping...

now there is the trick, we all know to put me in a good mood, just go grocery shopping with me...I fucking love grocery shopping...I know of people who put it off and rearranged there lifestyle and times just so I could be there with them, because they knew it made me so happy.....but funny thing, I did a quick grocery shop on Wednesday night...BEFORE everything went down...so yeah, there wasn't a need for that kind of shopping...

and the other thing about clothes shopping, it's a double edged sword with me - yeah I like to go shopping, I love getting great deals on things, but I hate spending money on it, it's a waste in my mind...I don't like cloths that much - accessories yes, clothes no. if I had it my way, I would wear the same outfit all the time, just like in a cartoon or any movie that's extremely badass wherein the character doesn't change clothes....you know those types of movies....

so yeah I went shopping, and I spent money I didn't have..well not necessarily had, just money that I had securely set aside for rent...way to blow...yeah I got frickin awesome steals, it wasn't something I should have done...I feel guilty, didn't make me any happier, in fact probably just made me more depressed in knowing how broke I really am, but that's like, nobody cares...

so avoiding all is good...interaction is bad....I'm going to carry around a knife in the house at all times, just so people won't talk to me (yeah I'm hoping the intimidation outweighs curiosity in this case)..you guys caused me to go into this shell...you won't get me out...

I need to buy hangers...and I hate the english language....but not more than french...

sad as it is to say, I need friends..only to use them to have a place to escape to from here...that's horrible....why do people suck so much...

it's always darkest before it goes pitch black..

WNDP20...
a finale....

not if I have anything to do with it...

yeah, you read the title right.....it could just be real..and people could just be FUCKS.

The Wednesday night dance party has been something forged from faith; we should all know this, whether you've actually sweated loyalty, or just watched it in action. we've made it to 20, not by sitting on our asses hoping for the best, just whizzing through all the numbers and anniversaries as if they were just that, nothing that special...but by building it up from scratch, constantly rallying, working for what we wanted.

when we first held the first every party, we dreamt of glorified ideals - a thing of beauty, something that was ours, something that was us..our baby, if you will.

we knew that throwing "our" type of party was going to be a difficult thing for people to fully comprehend, not many would take to this sort of thing..but that's the beauty of it - by eliminating out those who would not view this as one of their 'standard' parties, we were doing everyone else a favor, weeding out the bad, keeping the
good...getting it to catch on was yet another obstacle; not only for other people, but for ourselves...keeping traditions is something that I hold very dear to, they have a purpose, you cannot just merely skip a week at your leisure because it doesn't fit into your book...it's called a tradition for a reason.

yeah sure, the first couple times you pull it off because you're rolling on a high of accomplishment, something new, something fun and exciting...but then you hit that wall that mankind constantly hits, and then it's a matter of will and determination over weakness and laziness. I remember very early on, something like the seventh or so, regardless of what actual number, there was a point, I know it's hard to say, but Neil almost backed out of a WNDP..he talked about not even coming over, but for whatever reason he made a stop, and soon as he got over here he knew what needed to be done...we rallied together like none other and we pulled off an amazing night; what almost seemed like the end of a legacy we pulled around and made a spectacular night out of...

it's little things like that which allowed for what we have/had today. persefuckingverance. it's too easy to just doing things that take effort, but everything worthwhile usually does.

Why Wednesday..why not is more like the question. you see, it's the middle of the week...Monday gets you started with the week...Thursdays are tainted with thirsty Thursday...Friday and Saturday everybody is throwing parties...and Sunday is refresh, recoup day...and Tuesday..well Tuesday is Tuesday, it is it's own day..so Wednesday...nice middle of the week break from everything..makes sense?

and they aren't all dance parties, sure there is some spontaneous bootie shakin', but DDR is played, couch lounging is going on, hookah is being smoked..it is a plentiful action packed thing...there's something for everyone, and it's not a typical lame ass "prep/frat/college" party...where they failed we have succeeded..

So now onto my personal rant....there are those who wish to see an end to the WNDP, for whatever reasons..I would like to take the time to personal call them fucks...hey you fuckers...I know you read this, I think less of you than the shit that comes out of my ex-girlfriend's ass...and that's fucking low...but so are you.

to think there are people who actually want something as great as this to end..oh, and you want their "reasoning"? well you see...some have to wake up for 9 am class or work or whatever..which is total bullshit. I'll give you this...Jim has a 9am class, so he stays the night at Maria's and thus totally avoids the WNDP's, I know he misses them to an extent, he would love it if they were on a Tuesday or Thursday, but we can't change what's already in motion...

Spaulding has never liked the WNDP's, he doesn't like parties in general..but he has coped with everything that has been going on, which is the right thing since he watches TV or movies til all hours of the night anyways, and you can't hear anything that goes on up in his room (for the most part), and everything gets cleaned up by morning, so he is in no right to complain, everything is fine.....

and then there's me...I've never liked Wednesdays....I can pin point it to august, if not earlier, but I've never liked the day...and then the WNDP didn't make things better....I'm not saying I am not a fan..don't get me wrong, I love the fact that they happen, I just don't like people, and therefore I don't partake in it......

when I had to be at work every day by 8am, did I ever complain about the WNDP's? and there have been random parties in the past, with the fucking presidency whom I despise, which lasted til the next fucking day...and I've had to be right at work early as can be...anything I could do..nope.

AND not to mention my erratic sleeping patterns...stay up all night doing god knows what, and then trying to get some sleep during the day when I pass out...there were times I snapped, only because I kept asking for a little something, just for a bit...but no...I've fucking had fuckslot come and practice while I was sleeping....

I'm saying it right now...I will never allow for a coinslot show in our basement, that's final...

so for me to be behind this is a little out of the norm...and we all know how I get when I am fully behind something...damn me and my passion....let's just say there was an informal house discussion about this and I was ready to fucking throw punches because people are so fucking ignorant....

so there we have it, we've got two fucks who can't deal with what has become of 412 bitching about something they have no control of...their argument is as simple as, "well this is something that just started happening, we didn't agree to it when we signed the lease.." and my argument is the same right back at them....we all signed the lease as singles, we didn't go into this place with couples, or god even worse...becoming couples...yeah there you have .....I've fucking adjusted my fucking way of life to a lifestyle I really don't want anything apart of..I don't want to see two people who are fucking living together, who were supposed to be friends, fucking all over each other like it's their fucking job...and I'm not the only one who believes this either..we didn't go into this place with you two fucks fucking..so why should we accommodate and go against our norms just so you can fuck?

whatever, this got angry really quickly, but there, it's out, it's over...

..and I just find it ironic how the green porch light went out tonight, the night that they are trying to make the last..the night that split the house.....




What is and what should never be

Paint this Week Blue...
..and matching outfits...

So the news..what's the news...

I was just handed information..crucial information..that, at first I was disappointed but just as that disappointment entered I had feelings of relief..I could care less, and in fact was happy....

so now the question is, what's next? if you want to push it to the final moments, we, forget I said we, I've literally got til august this year..then it's anyone's guess...

so many doors have opened it's ridiculous, not like they weren't there before, just a different happier life is all...something that is being forced upon me in a way...funny how I actually like it when things are forced upon me in this sense, makes me actually go out and do things...

so do I want to stay..I'm in no position to try and help people out, keeping a basement..what the fuck do I care if my place has a basement or not..it's not my responsibility, in all honesty those who are backing out are putting so much pressure unto everyone else, I just don't like it...they will be the ones to blame later..and me, I support nothing, I shall go out on my own, right? if that's what I want, where to go oh where to go...

I like how everyone questioned where I was all day Monday, some figuring work, but who knows, it was a long shift..and then Jim came out and said..."he may still be at work, or he may be out in the middle of nowhere on top the hood of his car looking at the stars, in which case he'll return this morning and go right back to work..."

oh, truer words have never been spoken..and now, I'm off to do just that....



A crowd is untruth...only in the self can the drama of truth occur.

The Idiot...
I just don't know..

So yeah, what a fucking day I had Monday....of course we start with Sunday....

Sunday night got home from the OG...talk with Blue for an hour or so, things were going really well...and yeah, even the hang up was good, happy me..

then the plans to watch the butterfly effect start to roll, so I pick up michelle, we make a quick stop at kroger to get a gift for my valentine on Monday..this has it's own story to be told in a second...

so we watched the movie..the director's cut..and I fucking loved it..I didn't understand why people didn't like it...but as I watched the ending, I knew it wasn't the right one, that's why I liked it..too dismal and bleak....well I was correct, we flipped the disc over and watched the actual theatrical ending, and yeah, pissed me the fuck off...I saw that ending coming a mile a fucking way...gives people hope..fuck that shit...they weren't meant to be, break it up..move on..get over it...

anyways, Monday came...and my schedule for this week is completely F'ed up..I had to come into work at noon, throwing me off from the schedule I have been on for the past three months I was slightly late to work..couple minutes, no biggie, but they shouldn't be fucking with my schedule to begin with...whatever..so I worked from noon to eleven, oh, that's right, I said eleven....my feet are killing me...this was more tiring on my body than any other job I've had, fucking lazy bastard jobs...but yeah, I stayed a bit later than I really had to, only you make sure people tipped me out and to help Brittany who was having a coniption that I was about to leave at 1040...whatever, she thanked me....

then...I had dinner with my "valentine" of the evening...story goes that there's this host, who I like to talk to, no interest in, but I like her because she reminds me of Kendall, or just some stuck-up, prude bitch...and we all know how I loves me my bitches....so we've been chatting, and I randomly asked if she was working 'tomorrow' aka valentine's day at the time, she said yeah..and then I asked if she wanted to be my valentine, she said yes, and told me she was going to get me something...what?

so yeah, we were both starving, and it was late, I would have cooked for her, but time was not on our side so we decided just do the smart thing and eat at Denny's ( I really do fucking love that place...) so we engage in conversation...and I don't have any certain feel for the conversation..I didn't care, but I did slightly, maybe on her side...it was different, I was different...Whatever...

well long story short..she fucking blew my mind...she isn't the bitch I thought her to be ( not yet of course, I know this type of bitch..and yeah, we'll just have to see..) she's actually very fucking nice...and smart...she's a fucking geek...but you would never guess....I'm still in shock over everything, even the upcoming mentioned, and I really want to talk to this girl some more..still no attraction I don't think (GOD I'm jaded) but she's just so damn intriguing....

and then the gift exchange...I didn't do my normal 'Jason gift' which would be something completely random, I went with the socially accepted cliche fucking gift..I didn't want to scare her off....but I am sad to say this...I have finally been outdone in a gift exchange...she rocked my world...I received my gift first, only because I asked since we had conversation about how much her gift would rock earlier...and you know what it was...one of those squishy pillows, the ones you just want to hug as hard as you can, then fuck the hell out of..yeah...and it was pink, her reasoning was to match my toenails and my jacket...I was completely flabbergasted....

the gift I gave her, a fucking chocolate rose....yeah...well, this will help things out a bit..she had originally decide to give me a heart shaped cookie, which I never got out of her car, but whatever...so the heart and rose would have gone perfectly fine...then she saw these socks and wanted to get me those...but didn't know my fashion sense all too well....Funny random fact, earlier that night I told her I was going to be random and get her socks..and then she told me she was going to do the same...Weird....but she opted for the pillow...

and when she realized everything in my tent was blue she told me we needed to go back and exchange the color...I told her no, it was fine...oh, and she got it from urban outfitters...which is probably where she would have gotten the socks..which means I like her taste in style..which means she spent way too much money on that pillow...

I felt outdone..I was ashamed, I tried to reconcile and give her things out of my trunk, but she didn't want anything...she said I was going to ruin it, she said it was fun..I....I don't fucking know....

do I like this girl?is that possible...random?

and then I listened to the voicemail from Blue..it kinda scared me and set me back...then we talked...and things were good, but then we hit one subject and she "had to go" ironically enough...what';s the fucking deal....

I like blue, I really do, of course I can only say that with as much actuality as me saying I have over a hundred singles in that box over yonder...it's true, but to what extent does it go....

I told her I really wished we would have been able to get together this past weekend...this was really a crucial factor this 'relationship' needed.....I mean we had only but an hour the first night we were together, and well we, I, wasted that with stupidity....and I know we have been talking on the phone almost every day/night, but in reality, phone conversations only go so far...I really wanted to spend a couple days with her, so we could fast forward our beingness...so we would get a better feel for what each person is truly like..she claims she's a bitch..she's not taking a liking to my sarcastic side, making me an ass....

but every day passes and I like the girl more and more...why is that? in all honesty, I really don't know her...like I know the people I live with...you can't like someone without knowing who they really are (how am I not myself....I had to, sorry) I do miss her, which is completely fucked up to say, she was here for a couple hours..I just want to spend time with her...not a couple hours, not a day..something more real, unprogrammed, I want down time.....I want reality....

I think you know what I am talking about...if you've got a couple hours, it'll go something like this...get together...talk...make out...get something to eat...maybe start a movie...make out...and it's over...make out goodbye....there you go, you've accomplished nothing....I needed this weekend and it fucking kills me....everything would have been spaced out to such a degree that it would have given true light onto everything that makes us.....

does she even like me.....

and if so, how much....







god I'm such a fucking fool.....

V-Day
...fuck it

Michael Bolton sang, ìLove is a Wonderful Thingî, I disagree. The J. Geils Band sang, ìLove Stinksî, I couldnít agree more.

Love sucks, surely, but donít get me wrong, I am not preaching hate to the world. Depending on how you look at it, there can be many different types of love, but I will go ahead and say that there are basically two kinds of love, and even within these two categories there are many other underlying branches and sub-categories.

There is love associated with peace, respect, and goodwill; usually referred to as ìBrotherly Loveî, which is something the world definitely needs a lot more of.

Then there is the other kind of love, romantic love, which is just total crap.

ìWhat is love?î A question that has been answered many a times by poets, songwriters, and lovers, making utter fools of themselves. All of them usually coming up with cliches such as, ìLove is bindî Blah, love is blind all right, it canít see reality. You could take the scientific way out and say that romantic love is a biologically driven phenomenon. It has been selected for because it helps our genes to propagate, along with a complex set of other qualities, and they're not independent of each other, i.e., the state of "being in love", "lust", "jealousy", "anger", "trust", and many many others, are all tied together in a complex way and it's really not a clever thing to separate them out. It's a complex function of the interactions happening within us.
But if I were to answer that question, I would have to say: Love is a luxury, not a necessity. Love is societyís dangerous pressure, which ruins those who vainly try to comply with it. Love leeches you of your intelligence, rational abilities, creativity, time, and money.

Is love really necessary? Does the Constitution mention it? Does one of the Ten Commandments say, ìThou Shalt Fall in Loveî? No, love is a luxury. One can live a happy, healthy, productive life without falling in love. If Plato had fallen in love would he have had the time to create his philosophies?

Turn on the radio, what do you hear, a love song. Watch a movie, what do you see, a love scene. Perhaps to escape the problem you go to Meijer. Sorry, there are lovers holding hands in the parks, sidewalks, and shopping malls across the world. What happens every time this year? We are bombarded with hearts, Cupids, flowers, and candies. We feel the pressure of the marketing ploys of Valentineís Day (a so-called ìholidayî with a strictly commercial purpose and no historical significance whatsoever, designed to suck your purse or wallet dry on overpriced gimmickry).

Love is certainly responsible for the problems of the world. Take overpopulation, for instance, Love leads to sex, and sex leads to babies. Too much leads to too much sex and too many babies. Perhaps the world's governments should take that into consideration. Without love, there would be a dramatic decrease in the instances of date rape and spousal abuse. Not to mention a massive decline in AIDS cases.

Love makes you dumb, thatís not just opinion, but is fact. A study performed in 1993 at Tuebingen Univeristy in Germany dealt with electroencephalogram (EEG) readings of people with low IQís and high IQís. One of their findings revealed that some of the high IQ subjects showed brain- wave patterns of a "clearly reduced complexity," comparable with those in the low IQ group. The researchers questioned them and found out that they were genuinely and passionately in love. And how many times have couples neglected work or their studies just to spend time together, far too often.

Lovers are very un-creative people, and they succumb to dullness and cliches. "I'll love you forever," a man would say to his woman. Bo-ring. What does that mean, "forever?" No one loves forever. People break up. And even if they marry, they get divorced. And even if they stay married they die. Nothing lasts forever.

I have lost count of all the times I wanted to hang out with a friend, only to hear, "Oh, sorry, I can't. I have to spend all day with my girlfriend." (My mind hears the sound of a whip cracking). And lovers are so intoxicated with each other that, for them, "Time seems to fly by so quickly.î

As for money, ha, love leaves you bankrupt. There are the necessities of life: food, water, and shelter such as clothing, rent, and heat. But love upsets one's financial priorities. Lovers have to spend money on such things as presents, flowers (either real or golden), presents, candies, presents, perhaps even birth control and, oh yeah, presents. And I didn't even mention how money disappears when people go out on dates! All of the above leaves one financially weak. Itís no wonder that lovers have to end up living together.

So ultimately I don't think love is an emotion or a feeling, but rather a state of existence for and between two people. That is, love is the interaction between the partners in a relationship. This may vary based on the type of the relationship---it could be dysfunctional, or sado-masochistic, or consummate. In an ideal world, love is a Zen-like state, where two people are together as one. (While this description appeals to the romantic side of me, the cynical side of me gags at such a statement---perhaps this is how it should be.) But we don't live in an ideal world, and no matter what, there's bound to be an imbalance---if the imbalance/asymmetry is too much (i.e., one person cares too much and the other person doesn't care enough), then it's bound to frustrate. In such situations, it's better to end it completely (cut your losses) rather than end up in an objectifying cycle, which will inevitably lead to a bad ending. My philosophical concept would mostly likely relate to being Platonistic, which believes that choices lead to a rationalized life that eventually produces failure, anxiety, destructiveness, boredom, and unhappiness

Face it, love is not such a wonderful thing now, is it. Stuff sucks.

Once again, may I remind you, this is just me sounding off and is not meant to be taken personally or to offend anyone.

Happy Valentineís Day!

Like All Good Things...
the end...

So it's Sunday, the end of the week, and a start of another....and with it goes my fun/mood/whatever....

From where I left off to now has been a good time, Friday night went to see I Heart Huckabess again, afterwards went to the Waffle House, then came back here...and for whatever reason, I was in extreme hyper talkative mood...I could have ran miles had I had the patience..I just wanted to do random things...pace back and forth and tell my life story, as I often do in these situations...I probably would have ended up cleaning if not for Michelle randomly stopping in as Neil and Amy departed...

So I started the 3am evening with me rambling about god only knows what, which resulted in a late night run to a friend's house to pick up a PS2 game, Katamari?..it's the game where you have a ball and have to collect little random items thus making your ball bigger which constituently allows for you to pick up bigger items...and once you make a certain size ball, it gets tossed up into the air to make a star..crazy fucking Japanese game....

anecdote of that story, on the way back to my place, we were on ballantine, just crossing over to Atwater and for some luck of chance we both turned and looked out the window on the right side...only to notice these two huge animals moving in the opposite direction...we both freak out and ask each other what the hell where they...I tell her to park the car so we can get out and find out..we get out and start running down the alley towards where we had seen them...she trailed because she was looking for her camera, I didn't want to loose track of the beasts so I went forth....as I ran in their direction I could only see one, the other must have gone ahead...and as soon as the animal heard/saw me running it immediately took off as well.....THEN, then for some reason it stopped and turned around...as soon as I saw this action, and realized the size I came to a complete and sudden halt..it took off again and so I went back in pursuit..once he disappeared I stopped at the last point I saw it and waited for michelle to catch up...when she arrived we both walked around for a little bit, seeing nothing, and then went back to the car....

but honeslty, this animal was nothing like I had seen before..I was large..dog sized..but it didn't move like a dog/cat/whatever...it was furry looking..it had a funny hop walk, like a teeter tooter type of thing....and yeah, was huge...

anyways back at the house we played this video game and I rambled more about things til the wee hours of the morn....it was 10 when michelle left and I laid back down, with only one thing on my agenda, write an email to get something back, that took over all my other plans for the day..if I didn't do that one thing, I did nothing....

I woke up at 2, which is only four hours of sleep...after staying up for 24 hours on only three hours of sleep the prior day..surprisngly I didn't feel that drained...

I tried to make a compilation CD, one to win the acceptance of Zeppelin, the Stones, and Dylan in the heart where I already reside...but I found myself making lame compilations, nothing to rock anyone's face off, except for mine and already fans of the music..stupid slow songs..whatever...

then I went to the olive garden with Heather, she owed me dinner, that was a good time, because hey, who doesn't enjoy a completely free meal, especially when you buy alcoholic drinks...

heather, not the blue heather, is an alright girl...she's too hooked up on this guy who doesn't give her the time of day..I mean she is cute..but socially, I don't think we roll well....so yeah, I got my meal....I had to point out to every one at the OG that this heather wasn't the right heather who was supposed to be with me for the weekend...fun stuff

made it back home nearing 11, just in time for the un-birthday party...yeah...you know, I drank a lot, but didn't get drunk, I remember a slight buzz, two times, at the og and at home, but nothing ever amounted to it..whatever...

played DDR, ate cake, looked fucking sexy, yeah, I rock...that was pretty much it...nobody ended up sleeping with me that night..and I desperately needed a shower..which never happened because the sweat went away by the time I wanted to go..

so here I am Sunday...woke up an hour ago....gots to goes to work in an hour...this should be fun..yeah right....

oh yeah, I accomplished nothing this entire weekend..which mainly means I never wrote that damned email...

My Weekend...
not happening...



so yeah...because Blue is in the hospital I am going to see the ocean instead.... both hopefully...

and I'd just like to state that for the record, I would have drove to Memphis to see Blue...

you see, everything is a two way street....just because she couldn't come and see me shouldn't have put a damper on my plans...I could have just as easily gone and seen her, sure it's not what we ordered, wasn't in the plan, but hey...that's how we roll when you're rolling with me...I go above and beyond...plus I miss her...

A Good Day...
no, really...

So yeah, today is a really good day, and I don't know why....

So in order to get to the bottom of this, I'll tell you the details of my day, see if anything makes sense...but in all actuality, we must go back to Thursday, 5:00..I know that may seem odd, but come on..I've been pulling this card for a long time now...

So I arrive at work at 5 and instantly notice that there are two other bussers working with me as well...so I stand around, waiting, fighting to buss the few tables that actually do get up in this time...half an hour passes, then I go up to the main manager and say, "Let's talk business..." I go into my rant about how there "are two bussers already on, til close, I work til DBD (volume)((dinner business decline if you want the actual term...)) so that means I'm gonna be here for a meager three hours...it's Thursday night...nothing to do, no reason to have three bussers on..this is stupid...I come in to work, if I'm not constantly doing something I'm gonna get bored...and I don't want any of this bullshit sidework either, I'm not washing the fucking walls, I want to buss tables, if I can't do that, then I am just wasting corporate money...and it's not like I don't wan to work, I need the money, I don't have plans tonight to do things..either I'm leaving now, or if you make me stay, I'm closing...plus you wouldn't want me to go over 40 hours again, do you?" it totally made sense to him..then my manager came up and wasn't for the grand idea...

he said something how I am his buffer busser, making sure everything gets done and gets done correctly...compliments weren't needed here..he never said no and pussyfooted around the topic, as Karl said, so I stayed...which bummed me out only because I thought my plan was so air tight it could not fail..and because of that propaganda machine working, I had already started making plans...and as the time grew nearer and nearer to the red zone, I threw in the towel...funny thing though...I made a normal closing shifts tip outs from that night..even though I left early and didn't actually start working til 700....whatever...

after work it was time for the weekly Theater Thursday Thing...and we actually changed it up, we went on a slight roadtrip, to the IMU, to see I heart Huckabess..it was amber, Jim,Maria, and myself accompanied by michelle and her group...the movie was ridiculously good..I want to buy it on DVD...

after the movie I made some comment how it was better than Garden State, reference only made because I heard bastards talking about it during the better movie...which then led into the invite to watch it again that very evening at michelle's place, and I have been meaning to give that godawful movie a second chance so why not now..so I watched it, this time I didn't want to walk out during it so much as I wanted it to end very quickly..I knew the plot, knew where it was going to go...and yeah, I wanted it to go there quickly....so that's a plus right??? maybe another six thousand viewings and I may like that movie....

so michelle drove me back to my place..we chatted, she got into my random things, we played Loser, drank martinis all into the wee hours of the morn...woke up at 10, thus getting three hours of sleep, and went to work...

and let me tell you, I was in an abnormally good mood at work..I hate morning shifts, they piss me off to no end...it's not busy therefore I'm not really working and also I don't get tipped out because the servers need their money...but it didn't bother me on that morning...right from the get go things were crazy, we had to-go orders up the wahzoo and a party of 30 right at 11...so yeah, good times..

the best was when I started a fight amongst the coworkers....so this guy Asa and I playfully joke around with each other, it's a good time (even though at times I can't tell if he is being serious or not..) so the story goes, I make my way to the back, start clearing off my tray at the dishwasher..then asa walks in and just drops his sit off on my plate and walks away...now he did this as a joke (or would hope so, lest he want to get the back of my hand..) so I jokingly said, "now, I don't do random shit for people's that don't tip out" and instantaneously everybody was in ahh, I even had one lady saying, "fuck yeah, you tell him"..and replied back with, "I've tipped you out before.." only for me to go back and say, "yeah, like twice..." and then he started to saying something back when a server/busser started to get in on it saying how he has never tipped them out...oh good times...

so the next time I was in the back clearing my tray asa comes back and is doing his own stuff...then walks in one of the servers who was back there listening to the entire thing go down, I quickly took her plates and scrapped them to wherein total aw said, "damn...." and I finished it with, "yeah, tipping out has it's privileges..."

Asa ended up tipping me out that day, and future days for that matter...I told him how I roll, just a few dollars a day makes me happy and will keep me on his good side...I may have converted a person already, I rock....

so then I got cut early and was free to enjoy the beautiful outside...as soon as I got to my car I was on my phone...I called my grandparents to talk to them? and then I called heather *blue* just to let her know what a good day I was having....

as I busted in the door at home I exclaimered my great day I was having, hugged Jim...everyone was in shock...but I was really frickin' good...even the lovely jess was there (not the roommate, the other one who hate fucks me..) even the people online were curious as to why I was doing so good...people I haven't talked to online in a long time were on, and of course they ask the standard, "how are you" and I started to give my standard "good"..but then added the, "really good, actually" and as I told everyone, they should enjoy it while it lasts...it's like a calm before a storm...take all the good you can get...it'll be cloudy soon, and for so long you'll forget what sun was....

and that's about where I ended it...I played DDR, showered, took out the trash, went shopping, help Spaulding cook and get ready for the evening and yeah...good mood like nothing else....

021505

WNDP19..
DDRParty...

So another WNDP has come and gone...and everyone has their own uniqueness...

Well with the beginning of the new season of Ashlee, the WNDP's have gotten to a little bit later of a start....Ashlee starts at 1030, so we naturally asked everyone to come over after 11, less they actually wanted to watch the show with us....and besides, 11 was really when things started to get going, so it just worked out for everyone.....

Well people started gathering before 11, no biggie, but they wanted DDR, and we were not about to give up the TV, so we all waited...then we broke it out, and broke it down...

the number three ranked DDR player in Bloomington was over (yeah, nobody called us for this so-called "tournament"....whatever) and yeah, he tore it up, but his secret, he changes the speed of the arrows..and now, this may sound weird, but he makes then 2x faster...which in reality is really slowing down the arrows, I mean the do move faster, but the spacing is now bigger between the arrows as well..so you have a better idea of what to do, can actually see the clumps of arrows....

I tried this little trick earlier today, and yeah, I was racking up huge combos...so yeah, it definitely works...

but yeah, there wasn't hardly any actually bootie shakin' at this party, just swarms of people wanting to get on the pads...and the mixture of people, good goff, it was 50/50....half the people we knew, the other we completely new..

but it was a good time....I didn't notice too much immoral activity going on, though my roommates said there was, and it got to them this time, so random/weird/whatever....we'll just keep playing it by ear

and yeah, that was a night..Neil was "more gone than he has ever been on a Wednesday night", or so he says..I hear that a lot actually, maybe every Wednesday night...haha, whatever...then we called it quits at 2:24 and then Neil and I crawled into the tent and went to sleep...I was BIG spoon....

Update Time:
a follow-upper...

Alright, the morning after I go off on a tangent, my theory couldn't have been proven more right...

So I went to work, I was called in, whatever, I got a free meal out of it and was told no rush, get here when you get here..how fucking badass...so I worked, and then I remembered why I would have said no, had I not been sleeping when I answered the call...

I hate morning shifts...there's nothing to do, granted I still get paid hourly, I wan to be dong my job, and not some bullshit random tasks to keep me occupied either....and the tip-outs are little if any...

but towards the end of my shift, someone had just tipped me out, I thanked them, and this guy, one of the new guys..god I can't even think of his name..but whatever, seeing the tipout to me sparked fire in his mind and he remembered he was "supposed" to tip out as well..

he quickly digs in his pockets and hands me a five, saying he's gonna try and catch up for all those missed times...and then we start talking...I told him how I was just about to give up on his non-tipping out ass, and he tells me how he use to, til the bussers back where he is from stopped cleaning his tables, at all..so he just got used to not tipping anyone out....

we conversed, talked about what things piss us bussers off, what to do/not to do...it was good...but it just struck me as odd, the morning of writhing that lengthy rant about how people have impeccable timing, and the day I was about to throw in the towel on this 'bastard' he comes through, and now has the bussers as friends....amazing

of course the whole "timing" rant was ignited when I made a late night phone call to the girl who was supposed to be in my arms that very second, and couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking of her...well due to her absence, and lack of calling to let me know what was up for that entire week, I told her if she didn't want to talk to me, didn't want to hang out that's fine, just be nice and let me know what's up..don't give me the run around, and if you say hey go away, I will......she called me the very next morning, ironically enough, without ever getting my voicemail..

well that's how my life works, everything last minute....just like that grandslam back in little league, couldn't have been more poetic in sports history if I tried...

well there you go...but DON'T do this to me, I hate this last minute shit to begin with...I just love the irony of all these little occurrences...grrrrr

Timing...
this is really part 1.5

so why is people have such impeccable timing?

Alright so it goes, or so it seems to go, that whenever I'm about ready to throw in the towel on someone, they come through the underbrush and redeem themselves with an olive branch as presentation of self?

Now as I have told you, whether in person or on here, I give people many chances to get back on my 'good' side, to make amends, right the wrongs...it's not 'you screwed up once...you screwed up twice..you're gone" it continues...and people always push it as far as I can take it, like they know my breaking points....

And it doesn't help the fact that I'm such a cynical bastard..especially when it comes to people...people are a luxury, and since I am no rich man but rather quite the opposite, I don't entertain the thought to such novelty acquirements...

don't get me wrong, people do have meaning to me, as hard as it is to believe...you just have to be the right person I guess....let me down and you're just putting cracks in the ice.

Just as much as people mean everything to me, I can forget you in a heartbeat as well...I know that seems a bit contradictory, but I'll explain..

I don't like people, believe it or not ( I know it's hard to fathom..), but this verdict has only been brought on by past experiences, people aren't born inherently evil and hating...it comes from your environment..but god I don't want to get into the deterministic/naturalistic philosophical debate here, so let's move on....

I'd say in general I am a nice person, and when you meet me for the first time I have an overpowering charm that can win the hearts of just about anyone, I am a social god. and as you get to know me more, should I let you into my circle, you start seeing every side to me...now I don't like to play fronts, I'm all about being straight up and honest, but I think naturally I come off as a bit more timid, nice, unadulterated if you will..and the underlying reason for that would be my incredible shyness, yeah me, go figure again...I'm not trying to fool anyone, it's just the social pressure put on me in a new situation is overwhelming, I buckle under the pressure and resort to "washed hands Jason". And a subdirect reason to buckling down is I hate change, once again you should all know this by now...so the new experience is just too great for a Jason to feel natural and comfortable in, he does not know the crowd that he is dealing with, and in large part he's just trying to fit in along with the rest of the world.

I know I am all about blowing people's mind, revolutionizing the way people think and all..but there's always that time when you just have to be 'normal', and it's not to much you have to be, you're just afraid of what outcomes may be produced by any outlandish behavior..maybe you are not on your territory, you don't have any or enough colleagues around, maybe you're completely sober (for a change, ha, j/k), for what ever the reason may be, you're just not settled, ready to break out of your mold, most people don't ever break out of the mold and stay cooped up in there til they are in the safety of their own house, alone..til they die.

so once clean jason's fears have been lifted from him, he's settling in, he starts becoming hisself..it's a gradual process, and it always depends on situation to situation. Take work for example, any new job I have started I'm the quiet shy one who never speaks, really polite and just to myself..whatever it takes to get the job done...people start talking to me, trying to reveal the mask I wear, which ironically enough helps quicken the process...as much as I hate people intervening into my affairs, when it comes to a new workplace, I do just want to do my job, but getting settled quickly with everyone is also a priority...I like to be myself at work, I like to sing and dance and just be cooky..and if I can't have that, then I won't want to work, simple as that..if I'm having fun, I could care less what it is that I am doing....

and as for external interventions, I hate people...I really don't liked to be talked to about my problems, I don't like to be corrected, because in reality there's no need for it, I don't understand the significance of run of the mill fucks trying to get a grasp on who I am and what I'm about, knowing my life's story...I just want them to see how irrelevant they are to me, so they should just quit while they are ahead..."look, you're not going to remember any of these details, and I really don't feel like telling it a hundred different times to have something as special my life fall on deaf ears over and over...

I hate repeating myself...ever want to piss me off, just ask constantly, "what was that..what'd you say...huh" I know I mumble, I know I mutter...don't hear it, don't understand, disregard it..you can fuck off with a table leg.

and other interventions..I don't like to be touched...I was neglected of touch as a child, which you would think, well normally, would make someone want to be touched more...but not this case..I really do not like to be touched, ever, plain and simple. there are times people can get away with it, generally when I'm ion a good mood, we're joking around, maybe tickling each other (god, tickling, so fun yet so evil..) but if we are having a discussion, an argument, and someone tries to put a hand on my shoulder...forget about it...if I'm getting pissed or are already there, keep clear and make sure nothing of yours touches me...especially when I first wake up as well...if I'm in the kitchen minding my own business, because in reality, fuck the world I hate everyone, don't try to come up from behind me and place your hands on me...

now there have been a few instances in my life where touch has been ok, this from the select few I have allowed, only because it felt right...once again it all goes back to that feeling...and I don't get a lot of good feelings from most of you...

now there are those select few whom you feel some sort of connection with, people who are actually genuine and want to get to know you, who will be around and hang out with you...in those situations, if I feel that way towards them, I will open up bit by bit...getting into the bubble is a huge deal...

if there's one thing I can be accused of, it's making judgments based on first appearances, which is something I would frown upon..but there's something beyond the physical realm of understanding a genuine liking for a person...there's a feeling involved with it. I can't explain it, I don't know how many people actually can testify to having this same thing happen, I do know that my roommate Spaulding and I are almost one in the same, not liking certain people's for the same reason and feeling we get when they are around (aka the Presidency).

and I will contest to the day I die that my judgment is irreproachable, that I have never been wrong on an impressionistic judgment call, and I feel as if I will never be wrong...because it's not a knowledgeable thing one can posses...it's a feeling, whether or not you and said person will click..and actually goes even further for me because I can tell what type of person they are, music they listen to, things they like, etc...I mean I don't have it down to the T, but generalizations..and isn't that what life is all about...

so to get into this bubble of mine there's a lengthy application, there isn't any time requirements, and there are degrees to the bubble, just like hell. and it mainly based off the feeling I get, that's what starts everything off...I get to know you, you get to know me, things click, relationship built on honesty, a genuine liking for both parties..and we're doing pretty well. and of course there are certain things that help steer into the bubble..and being a girl can actually be considered one of those things...my guy friends are thin, just because I hate the male population...the guys I know most definitely have to be something special to even be considered a friend..less guys are in the bubble because they let me down mostly because they are males, and think like males, make decisions like males, and yeah...few.

and should one let me down, their position in the bubble doesn't necessarily change, however the floor drops out for them..yeah, it's 3-D as can be. you see, I've already let this person in, so I feel as if knocking them back will just be a waste of both our times..once they reveal themselves to me for who they really are, they now have hell like levels going down..which ultimately makes them further away from the center, but still in the same frame of how close they are to me..hard to explain yes, and as much as I would love to cite examples portraying this, I fear for the parties who read this to relay such messages around...I still can't trust a lot of people, though I do all too much...

to sum it up, I'm nice, you're on the first floor, the main level...you work forward, pushing your way in the bubble...you get to know me, my sinister side, realize I can be an asshole, you know what sets me off, you know the likes and dislikes...should you not disappoint me, you move forward and still proceed on the same level, and I am the same to you...HOWEVER, once you break a covenant of mine, set me off, frustrate, bilk, undermine me the floor starts to give...and you are entering on my bad side...now as I mentioned I give a multitude of chances for one to make up for the past occurrences...but once you hit the breaking point...which would be no 'movement' ( and I use movement here loosely, I mean action of some sort) on your part for an extended period of time, or you continue to piss me off, then the bottom falls out...

things are basically beyond repair and I become Jason the Asshole, I have no time to speak to you, to care for you, whatever, you've betrayed me and my every thought, whether just or not. you're disrespect towards me will be your own demise, and you shall soon see that. it's a sad thing too, because everything was once good, and we've gotten to know each other to a certain extent, things were good, but then you decided to be your true self, revealing all, just too damned comfortable and walked all over me, and as a result my attitude is completely changed..you can know fuck off for good.

which overall is the most extreme it can get....I constantly give out chances like it's nothing...I feel as if not only are you bad, but I myself am bad for making such a lousy call of judgment...I wan you to prove yourself to me, prove that you are that special someone I took in not too long ago...for if you don't, you will be letting me down, and I will be letting myself down...I can't see to have myself be wrong or fail and will make it so that you won't, or at least I hope...I know people aren't perfect, that's why I give chances...but sometimes people get too deep and don't realize it til it's too late...and by then I've already shut the door.

but for those people, who drag it out til the last possible second, right as my hand starts the door in motion, they come through, literally, and save themselves..wiping the slate clean of all past events...just to do it to me again...

and had I not been so generous, the door would have been closed a long time ago...or would it have been...does not the cynical side of me 'interfere' with properly dictating when the door closes..does not that same cynical side only produce ill thoughts, speeding up the process, giving less of a chance to make it back in...

no, simply put..everything is weighted out and counterbalances each other...it's a working machine, all timed perfectly, checks and balances...it works together to make me be on both sides of the fence at the same time...deal with it...

Hopelessly...
part 2

and now, the actual day part of Sunday...

So after that realization, a quick thinking about session and I was back to sleep..woke up and went to work, on time, actually slightly early, I tend to do that on Sundays, go figure..Well as luck would have it, I approached 40 hours very early in my shift, so once the other busser came in, I was sent home, on the incredibly beautiful day that it was....

on my way home I spotted a drifter just "passing through" as his sign read, along with a dog...he wanted some food, so I did what I could, helped the man out, and Spaulding actually went out and bought dogfood for his companion...we're like superheros, you have no idea.....

made it home and turned on the tube, only to see that the Puppy Bowl was just starting!!! OH MY GOD, it was fucking brilliant..so what it was in actuality was the Animal Planet did not want to try and compete with Superbowl Sunday, the pre-game shows, the game itself, and everyone else's marathons, so they ran this all day long...the actual Puppy Bowl last for three hours...and what it was, in case you didn't get a call and a chance to see it, was they had this boxed in arena, similar to a football stadium, a playing field, a crowd, goals, the whole nine yards....or would it be 120?? Anyways...they put these dogs out on the field, fed through this shoot, and they were there..the played with chew toys..fought each other..drank from the water bowls...it was brilliant...this, for three hours..watch a preview...and yeah, I have ordered the video if anyone wants to watch this with me...the entire house watched this nonstop for the entire duration...it was enough to kill the queer eye marathon...

and in all actuality, it makes quite the huge social statement...you can either watch a bunch of huge guys pound each other on the gridiron, fighting for an intangible title..or you can watch some cute puppies play around, as if they were your own pet, with the outcome being whatever you decide..both are equivilant...

so while that was going on, I got a call on my phone, which jubilated me to such an extent that I yelled for joy, jumped up and down, and ran outside and continued down the street, stopping past the driveway realizing "that's not how you answer a phone..."so I answered out of breath and held a great hour and a half conversation....With the girl who was supposed to be there with me anyways....

you see, HER problems would have been adverted as well had she been with me this weekend..but whatever, things happen, cars breakdown, that's life..though nobody wants to blow an engine in the middle of the night....

so then it was time for the superbowl...tired as hell..I kept passing out here and there, the commercials sucked, and the teams that were playing I could care less about...I guess I wanted Philadelphia to win? whatever, they ended up loosing in the bitter end, whatever....

and then Neil wanted to watch a movie...HE suggested Vanilla Sky, and of course I obliged..god yes, I fucking love that movie...

so we watched, it tore us up though..he wasn't in the mood for that type of lovey movie, understandable...but he fucking loved it, and at the end, we both had tears in our eyes we had to wipe away...it was hilarious, yet sad at the same time..."we're pathetic, like a bunch of woman we are.." couldn't have said it better myself....

and yeah, there you have it...I'm a hopeless romantic is what it all boils down to...

"one day we'll have girls that actually appreciate us for who we are..the sappy love-fools we are..."
grrrrr, which leads into my next topic, but it deserves it's own whole post...damn it....

I'm a Hopeless Romantic...
Part 1...

Alright, so Sunday...fucking great day, no joke

So I go to work..well let me back that up a bit......so I go to lay down Saturday night...it's almost 2, an early night, very early considering it's me, but I figure why not..I got to be at work at 9, you know, the one day you're not supposed to toil I have to wake up the earliest, but let's not go there....

so I fall asleep, then the phone goes off...it's a text message...and I just knew it wasn't from anybody important to me right now..you know you get those feelings, good and bad when people call, you just 'know' who it is without looking at the phone...anyways, I engage in this meaningless conversation, which ends just as absurdly random as it started...

so it's three...and I try to fall back asleep..then my alarm for whatever reason decided to go off at 334..it wasn't set for it, maybe it hit that magic button....so then I toss and turn for the rest of the night...and it doesn't help when it's coupled with a girl on my mind, but the girl would seem a bit surprisngly, not Blue...and none of the two prior demons mentioned either...

so I call the girl, who was supposed to be with me at that moment anyways and leave her a message saying my loneliness, this call, and not being able to sleep would have been adverted had you just came down...well two for three ain't bad, the latter would have been alright by me..as long as I'm awake and with somebody everything is cool....

so then I get online, why not, kill more time since you're awake, have only an hour's worth of sleep and need to wake up in three hours...then I had a craving for Dunkin Donuts...ohhh the taste of one of their splendid donuts...god...

but I tried to think where the nearest one was..not in Bloomington...so I went to the website to check..nothing anywhere near here...not even in Indy...I just don't know what to do with myself..I wanted a strawberry filled doughnut....I couldn't even be irrational and drive to Indy, because there's nothing there...where to go?

AND then it hit me, as soon as I put up the away message, the reason for my late night craving...and then I hated myself...you see, the last time I was at a Dunkin Donuts was with the girl I just called...the one who was supposed to be with me at that moment...that fucking subconscious association..it killed me

but I'm just glad, in a way, that I was able to tie it together, give reason and explanation to something that once sounded so unfound and crazy, so for that major props to me and my rocking!

and I'll continue with a part 2 to save the lengthy read...

Ascension...
Fallen Angels..

So it's getting better, but I better knock on wood while I can...

so yesterday things were slightly better, although I can't be too certain, I was at work for the majority of the day, before I had the chance to even wake up I was at work, and stayed there til late in the evening...so I never really had a chance to bring myself to conscience level while not at work...and once I get home it's a different world...and people weren't home so things were ok....so I guess it's too early in the game to say whether or not I'm alright, yesterday was just a day in passing where nothing happened, a day off from the regularly scheduled program....but let's think positively...

as for my dreams, they still are devastating...for the past week, every single night I have similar themes to them all...they are so disturbing in ways I can't explain I dread falling asleep at night...it's like some bad nightmare on elm street shit, but in all honesty all day I think about how fucked up these dreams are...hoping that I can block them out later...and when I pass out, they are nowhere on my mind, I'm thinking happy thoughts in blue land...

I didn't fall asleep until well after 5am on Thursday night/Friday morning...had a lot of things on my mind, and of course it was so excited it just couldn't think of going to sleep...whether she's to blame or not is a different topic, we all know how well I don't do with sleep to begin with...

but back to the nightmares...nothing bad happens in these dreams, normally run of the mill dreams...sort of...I just find it ironic how the two woman who destroyed my actual reality and world, now are present and haunting my every dream, single handedly crippling my non-reality existence as well....it's like Freddy V Jason, somehow they are working together....When one isn't there, the other is....could this men they are the same person...wow, let's not go there Oedipus...

so even though I haven't had contact with either of these two females, the descructors, in ages, all of a sudden they are back, and with a vengeance..as some suppressed subconscious breaking through to settle the score of differences to make right what once was wrong...or to take the thunder out of my chariot ride to cloud nine...

Bump in the Road..
..but I was sleeping...

So right...not cool at all.....

So I'm going to say this started with Wednesday Night, that may be a little too harsh on everything..but I believe it to be true...

of course I told you that Wednesday night I was in typical Wednesday night fashion...dissenent and angry at the world...leave me be, have your fun, I'm a spectator here, do you're thing and for the love of god, don't interrupt me or try to make me apart of it...

and then of course to only strengthen this poor mood, we got the illicit acts that I so heavily frown down upon...and as I said, the result was me going to escape the party for good in the safety of the Blue Palace of Lost Anglatis...cute no?

after the party talked with Neil, wherein he passed out as I was telling a story..funny how the one moment I actually get a word in edgewise on this kid he passes out..so back to the tent, got myself caught up on some things and called it a night....

but my dreams are just a horror of my what is about to be present and past....

I woke up actually disturbed from the dreams I had..there weren't anything horrifying in description, just living it out in the dream was really messed up...typical dream with an unnatural twist..something was wrong....

I could tell instantly from the few moments I was awake and moving around that it was me v world attitude...if anybody said something I was bound to go off on them...I wasn't in a good mood..and god forbid I was in that emo state...but just why was I feeling depressed, anxiety, hate, and utter disdain towards anything around me..beats me...

as I made it up the stairs I made myself a bowl of cereal, Lucky Charms of course, and noticed the dream Interpretation book still sitting on the edge of the couch, and has been for months now...in fact it was brought up the night prior for someone to return it to their bookshelf, but they refused...why? probably because they don't like to pick up after themselves..whatever, it's not my book and I didn't ask them to return, so this argument I'm just playing the Devil's Advocate....

and because I didn't feel like going through my actual dream book, I looked through this one, knowing perfectly well how much I hated and disagreed with it...but I continued because it was there ( how many times have you heard me say that....)

the quick interpretation it gave me was devastating...nothing that I wanted to hear (or read for that matter)..and by reading it only pushed further in my head these notions of animosity and despair.

so now that I have a preconceived feeling towards how my life is turning out, it will most likely turn out that way since my mind will 'want' it to happen, because that's how the mind works, once it has something tangible to get a hold of, BAM, there it is..whether good or bad you're basically jinxing yourself...if you think it...

work was incredible, in the sense that I actually made it through it all. in order to make a smile I've had to bite my lip..I've been giving the cold eye to anyone who looks in my direction...I shunned away all touch...at times I felt like I wanted just to stop, and cry..well maybe just stop...

people let me down way too much, and as a result, my life is a testament to that...

WNDP18
..for weather and news...

Yeah, how's that for a headline?!?!

alright, Wednesday night of course was yet another Wednesday Night Dance Party (WNDP for short if you didn't catch on already...) I picked up a shift for the Chipper, well not THE chipper, but a new busser named chip..he told me it was til DBD, but that was a lie..I had to close..no biggie really, it's just that I had the mindset to get out a little earlier..whatever, I coped...

so as I get home, nearing 11, I come home to a house full of people, yay! really there is no sarcasm there..I was happy to see that people showed up and that they were there already..the lights got flipped over, as they should at 11, but there was a slight argument about that...people trying to play scrabble on the dance floor...but good people know when to back down from a strong-headed Jason..hey, I accommodated, I gave them my candles and skyy light....

but things got crazy quickly...for whatever reason Neil decided that it should be an underwear party...and so we did just that..people complied and we all got into our undies, well most of us did...since I had yet to change from the OG I sported the famous Tom cruise look just as I did at Halloween..

and then things got crazier...let's just say it was one of the dirtiest WNDP's to date....

do I approve...well, I was in typical 'WNDP mood', meaning I could care less what was going on, people in general piss me off, so fuck 'em....but with the escalated immoral activity I quickly closed my doors to this Wednesday night and made my way to the basement where I would remain the rest of the night...

that will be a first, first time I've actually took myself away from the party NOT to return..there have been other times I've hid downstairs for a bit, but I generally like to float around, make sure everything is ok, quiet enough for the neighbors, and clean....but this time..I came up at the very end to say goodbye to everyone...

I really fucking hate people, and what was going on at that party I just couldn't handle...let's just say it won't happen again otherwise I'm throwing down my foot to end all WNDP's...there's just certain lines you don't want me to venture towards...last Wednesday impeded on my life and my values...for that all will pay

yeah, so that's that....and things are..not...well, I'll explain in a second...

it was a quick night...ending 2:02..yeah, sped things up, even though it didn't seem that early..whatever...

Re-Wind...
I need to see this agian..

So this is a photo-summery of my weekend....

Friday Night:

After a fucking great party, this was the SnS picture with Blue and me doing the classic "drinking from the same shake and starring into each other's eyes"..and then of course they came over to the house...


Saturday Night:

Take this picture and multiple it for every room of the house...yeah, there were at least 70 people at this 4 kegger...






Sunday Night:

All I can say is Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Three men in a tub....






So there you have it..what a great fucking weekend....

Shower Me with Greatness...
...and I'll show you how to live life...

So those were the biggest things that happened, but that certainly does not mean that was it for highlights, oh hell no..this month/period of time has been so fucking good to me, it's unbelievable...

so as I said Spaulding cleaned up after the party..HUGE...I helped in a very minimalistic way, just getting minor details back in place, nothing major...but I crashed right after I got some much needed food in me....

I awoke later, god only knows what I did..but I remember Neil coming over, and he was getting drunk on the bastards beer who left it here from the last WNDP, saying, "I'm gonna teach those bastards a lesson for buying Miller Light"

The three way talks continued....Neil still Ga-ga for Amy...and then it got the weirdest/funny/non-homosexual-homosexual moment of our lives...

for some reason Spaulding was all about Neil taking a shower, since he was staying the night...the mere presence of Neil made Spaulding feel dirty...so Spaulding kept telling Neil he was going to take a shower....now keep in mind Neil has yet to shower or change his clothes since Friday...he was basically living in the past, wearing the same outfit, keeping the Mohawk up, from the glorious Friday night...kinda like in the old lady, Ms. Havishum? in Great Expectations.....

so then Spaulding said something along the lines Neil is taking a shower if he has to force one on him...so then I said, "rub-a-dub-dub three men in a tub" Spaulding looks over at me and said you in..I replied with lets do this..and there went Spaulding's pants...

I quickly changed my away message to before mentioned line and we went and took a three man shower, with Neil not so willing to take a shower...but the thought of us three in the shower made him do it...

the rest of these days have also been paring with their own little greatnesses...nothing too huge to mention.....

Monday everything from the weekend hit and it was crushing...no sleep for Jason....I got some calls back from sending out my resume, whatever...found out that the girls want to come down next weekend when they will be back in Indiana...three days off from their tour and they wan to spend it with us....got a call on my phone, flipped it open not recognizing the number, oh yeah, New York number the caller ID read...it was Heather....that made my day, the fact that she actually called me....had some interviews...actually got to bed at a decent hour, sorta, on Tuesday night..woke up at 10 this morning on my own, really random...did laundry...found out there's going to be a BW3's in Bloomington now...today was my day of, but I'm working for some fool..so that means no days off this week, and my next one will probably be Wednesday or so..and I have an interview that day...hahaha....and my blog started posting again, with Zach's help of course...it was just that I had to change the ftp server, no biggie...and all was well and here you have my life, back at ya..

tonight, Wednesday Night Dance Party #18 (WNDP18)

I can't believe it, but it's already Wednesday..things are crazy good

***edit*** Oh, and I forgot to mention the crazy undrunken debauchery between Jim and I on Monday Night well into Tuesday morning..helping Amber celebrate her Birthday, the first of the Month, Holla Bones Thugs N Harmony, ohh man what a kick ass time we had; from Kroger, getting the hubcap (it's a subaru!), to kicking bottles at each other, the "confused" drink, and ending the night/morning by beating me with a seat cushion for 20 minutes..ahh good times....

YAY!!!
I hate technology...

so yeah, as you can see I am able to publish posts again..so once again my dribble will hit your screen like before...but how about never before...yeah.,..coming at ya, in your face....

Let's just thank Zach..it wa a very simple error...the ftp server I was using is no longer vaild or good, so he gave me a new one, and all I had to do is literally copy and paste a web address and BAM, we're back up and running...how cool is that?

on a side note, Zach may have told me the coolest thing ever...we were talking online about this "problem" and he said, "yeah, I've been listening to your blog, sorry to hear about last Wednesday...".."I replied back with, wait, listened, don;t you mean read..I don't really recall ever dictating my thoughts onto the blog..." but then he showed me this website for a program he uses which turns the web test into a digital audio file...he has my blog posts in MP3 form..he said my main page is 26 minutes....killer....he said he listens to me at work..I thought that was the most badass thing possible..it blew my mind then, and still blows my mind to date....I'm speechless....he listens to my life..how fucking cool...

and on technology....so the red LED's on the dance pads stopped lighting up whenever you hit them about a month after having them, no biggie, the arrows still worked....HOWEVER..when you hook the dance pads up to the Mac laptop, they light up....what's the fucking deal....I hate technology.....

and now back to your regularly scheduled blog...