Sleepless Nights

painful mornings..
..and a dark tomorrow

I hate feeling, this feeling.

And for the third night in a row I did something I hardly do but once a blue moon, I wept. I actually can't recall the last time I cried - actually in November when I thought things were ending (and it was November) but before that....yeah, I got nothing.

When I think about her and how she's doing, my best guess is that she is doing fine - maybe not great like before - but what I loved about her so much was how strong and independent she was. Yes she's suffering the wrath of the punishment...losing the DB, the FB, the phone...all those little freedoms that make life harder on anyone trying to live in the world around them. Sometimes people do not see just how extreme and cruel some punishments may be.

Take my parents for example. Whenever I got in trouble, they would take away my car - let me explain how ridiculous that really was. So for starters I bought my car, I paid for my car in full, I paid for the gas that went into the car, I paid for the insurance that insured me on that car, I paid for the title, the plates, the registration, the tickets I got...even the parts that went into it...what I didn't pay for, was my step-dads labor into fixing it every now and then...So this in itself is beyond comprehension as to how/why they could take the car away from me...oh yeah, and as for paying for all those things, I had a job..which I got to by driving myself to work...and as for school, I had to take the bus..

These "liberties" or "freedoms" I had by having my car were all taken away..and the hardships to follow, the things that allowed for those liberties, proved to be a very daunting procedure. Having to get rides from other friends, trying to explain to work why I am late, it made my life harder...and yes, I am aware of the intentions of punishment, but I think the time should fit the crime..

Take my fuck-stick of a father. Raised Catholic, went through a rough stage, tried different religions, found some random kike and got married. She was Orthodox Jew so he adopted that religion- for those of you who may not realize this, those are the group of people that cannot do anything on the sabbath..like, go anywhere, push buttons, whatever. So he had a child, and as that religion dictates, will raise his child in that same manner.

I'm sorry, but raising any child in today's world and prohibiting them from doing any activity on a Saturday is child abuse. No baseball games, no hanging out with friends, no watching the TV or making phone calls, going to the Zoo...oh I know it's the weekend, and you're no longer in school, but that's the law.

That kind of ignorance pisses me off. People have adapted, grown, evolved..why are we stuck in these prehistoric ways? Going again off of the punishment aspect, I just don't see why hurting someone, especially someone growing up, a teenager, whatever, why the parents would hurt them so badly..make them something different.

In highschool it's all about not trying to be different, not standing out, doing that as much as possible, just trying to blend in and go about your life...so then to eliminate all that is like putting a bullseye right on your kid, way to go.

This lady I work with came to me the other night and had some questions...when it comes to technology and the interweb people always find their way over to me. So as it turns out she has been neglecting her children, so to speak, she has not been allowing her teenager girls to get a facebook account. They have been begging and pleading and she won't give in. Why? Because of lack of understanding and knowledge, ignorance, and a mass-media hype that has instilled fear into parents by making them believe everyone on the web is a predator - again the media driven by people who lack the intelligence and knowledge to actually accept changes in society..

I told her she was wrong and horrible for waiting this long, I know, I'm harsh. But then I explained to her about alllll the privacy settings that can be on there, how her kids only accept friends they know, not putting information out there all that standard stuff...but I also explained as to why the kids needed it - going back on my "making people standout like a sore thumb" speech I kinda gave you.

By the time I was through, she was convinced. Later in the week the accounts were setup and the lady told me her children sent their utmost gratitude. Now I am not saying there are not predators out there, that the internet is completely safe, that everyone is as everyone says they are - I'll be the first to chime in with some stories. But I will also praise the benefits of it as well - and like all things, the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour.

I've been meeting people I met online since...2000? and it wasn't until very recently have I encountered any problems with people lying to me. The reason is this, simply...more people online equals more opportunities for things to go amiss. It's simple statistics really...Flip 10 coins and you should have 5 land on heads....but if you flip 100,000 coins, then 50,o00 should land on heads...common sense.

Do I shut myself off from the world because of a few, recent misdealings? Do I condemn the internet as an evil place? Do I hate people and distrust them more than before? Absolutely not...I'm not retarded. I understand there's a risk, higher now than before sure, but with anything there's a risk. I drive my car every day...I could die (more people die in car accidents every year than plane crashes) does that stop me from driving my car? Hell no, does the fact I've been in an accident or had a ticket make me slow down and do the speed limit..again, hell no. And it's not because I'm rebellious or stupid from "not learning from my mistake" it's because I'm not going to be stupid enough to allow myself to live in fear.

The media will project this realm of fear over every aspect of our life..I'm tired of it. Yes, be aware of what's out there, yes take precautionary measures, yes be informed...but don't be stupid. The younger generations are more acceptable of the internet lifestyle because they are growing up with it - older generations fear change and don't understand it, so they naturally fear and will place hate onto it. As the older generations die off you will see a swing in favor of the internet. (same goes for racism and any other discriminatory acts..but that's a whole different subject)

I feel like as if I had a role in the punishment she is being dealt. This adds to my sadness. I know as much as she can hold her own, I also know it's eating her up inside..and I wish I could be there for her. Instead I sit, knowing, rather not knowing..and that it the part that kills me.

Hopefully she is reading this, hopefully the other 'she' is reading this. I'm trying to prove a point and my heart won't let my fingers stop telling the truth. I won't stop, cuz I can't stop.

and she has been orphaned by indifference.










"I'll be fine, and so will you. You're a big boy. You'll live"

the note

untitled..
no title..

and lacking nobility.

I tried to write something "privately" as per the suggestion of a friend..So i pulled out my ol journal..I didn't write much because I didn't feel like writing, but instead I wrote this..

"i was writing this letter without thinking, possibly without wanting to, but the words bled from my pen and i had no way of stopping the rhythmic movement of my mind becoming something tangible of thoughts becoming whole...and it was you that inspired this sudden burst of creativity, you that made the pen move across the page quick and unafraid...but as soon as i started i lost my way - seeings how the page had no lines and i'm not very good at keeping my place - so i had to retract back to where you left me standing, and i knew that the days were ending, somewhat like this illegible mess called a letter which you will never see."

I posted this part of the letter because it's the only thing I feel, I could...the rest is just a mess

like me









***rips out pages from journal, crumples them up, tosses into trash bag*** exasperated sigh

I Fucked Up

being too open minded..
...can get you in a lot of trouble

sometimes I wish I could just be normal

I had this song pop into my head earlier tonight - in between We R Who We R - and the foreshadowing could not be creepier. Isn't it funny how things work out like that, I can't remember the last time I heard the song played, yet BAM, out of nowhere, with no provocation, it was out...made me wonder.

I cried tonight, wait that's past tense, I've been crying tonight. I got caught in a bad situation and I said something that wasn't true..I guess I now see why people do it...fear. I felt horrible, well I do now, but at the time it seemed appropriate. I corrected the mistake, but it wasn't right of me regardless.

Am I a horrible person? I keep asking myself this question. I've asked several friends this question after tonight's events. People who know me, know me. I feel if anybody else who decided to cast judgment without getting all the details would think so. I talked about perception being reality in the last blog, well here it is again. I've never cared about what people think of me, but then again, right now at least, I do.

I didn't lie about who I was, I am all those things I said. I listed paper-facts to go against the paper-facts defense. It seemed right, fight fire with fire. Try to establish character...and even though it was the truth, it wasn't bought. I was told straight that they didn't believe me. Sure that person has no reason to believe me, I am slighted by the fact still....

because I know better, people who know me know better, it's the situational fact of the matter. I am more than what it appears...now I understand Black Like Me. I'm complex, I'm different, I'm some sort of sick novelty for people. Anybody else in the same situations I get myself in and they're a goner, if they even get that far...but me..my life is just stupid

I'd write a book if..I...could..write. But I suppose that's why I blog, people live vicariously through me..so they don't have to make the mistakes I've made...though I don't call them mistakes (well, not most of them). And most times I don't "learn lessons", I'd do it again, that's life.

I got in trouble because I let my heart do the thinking...and on paper, the situation is not good, in actuality, living it, it makes sense. I understand all sides of the argument, I'm not complaining, my actions got me here, I knew what I was getting myself involved in...being aware of the situation yet still doing it I suppose some would call crazy.

I leave in 20 days, 18 for real life events, but 20 and I'm on the plane...that's less than a month...less than three weeks...that's my reality I should be focusing on, but I can't, I haven't been able to. I'm not procrastinating putting it off, I just have other things on my mind. What was going to be the hardest thing about going to boot was missing her, now I get to start that experience earlier..without people yelling in my face while doing push-ups til I puke.

There's nothing I can do about this situation, and because I have no control over anything, I feel like I've lost control..having no control, no input, no anything is scary - that's the same reason I hate roller coasters, riding bitch on motorcycle, or even the passenger of a car...I can't control it, I don't feel comfortable.

That's where I'm at right now...I have no control whatsoever and I am not ok with that..I want to fight, I want to talk, I want to do this and that...but I can't...I'm not one to sit idly by, I'm a doer, a go-getter..I make things happen..I feel restless letting things happen around me..but this time..it's all I can do.

I fucked it all up, I've made my bed and shat in it too....now I'm supposed to lay in it...awesome.

I know you're not reading this, but I love you, and I'm sorry.







"Your mom said you cried in your sleep last night.."

What's the Fuck

how..
and why

it all started going wrong...

First let me apologize for kinda getting emotionally involved in the last post. It's not like me to allow myself to become apart of the post...normally I write about random topics that were talked about around me, things I notice, or whatever...I try not to let my current situations become the topic, but in my last post I did just that...the latter half was derailed by my current life and took you down a path that I didn't mean to go...and I think I'm about to do it again.

Today didn't have to start out as bad as it did, there was just something in the air I guess. My alarms went off at 9, as I had set them early for today, for whatever reason. Sadly, my mind-despite it being the morning and not functioning-can tell that it's "too soon", and so I'll go back to sleep. I did that this morning. Luckily I awoke only 15 minutes later, but really could not bring myself to get out of bed...I just didn't want to face the day.

But alas, I awoke. It was cold, but not as cold as yesterday..well, only speaking of the temperature..as for the rest of what I would endure, much colder.

While on break at my favorite nook in P'Bread I encountered my first problems of the day. For starters the internet was slower than normal..and normal is already painfully slow..like we are talking dial-up slow. today, simple pages were not even loading. A problem that was resolved on my third hour of my break..leaving only 30 minutes left. Which was about the time I was dealing with my second issue, my car, well cars. This one fagot who fucked me over on an ebay transaction a year ago, still having yet to make it up to me, I contact, in hopes they want to remedy the situation...that's a no-go. They block me from their site and do not allow me to send them messages now...awesome. The other issue is I'm still waiting on a part from Japan that was ordered over 2 month ago...best part is, after finally snapping, I make 2, yes two, phone calls and locate the part in the states..they'll have it by thursday. I love doing other people's job for them.

Then it was time for work...I won't get into the details, just know that I was very displeased by the floorplan and layout for the evening. At one point the chef, with whom I like, was asking me why I was so pissed, which got into a 'heated' conversation - not between us, but got me fired up -to the point where I yelled out, "If they are trying to push me out they need to grow a pair and tell me to my face they don't want me to come in, and I fucking won't" Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there.

Anything and everything was fuel added to my fire as well. One of my friends has been "really wanting to see me" for quite awhile now. Come to think of it, I don't know when the last time we saw each other was, a year?..best part is, we live in the same city...Now I continue to preach this, I am leaving in X amount of days, if people want to see me before I go, come to me. Give me a time, a date, a place, and I'll do my best to make it so. It doesn't seem that hard...but people keep telling me to come to them. Slap.In.The Face. Think about it..."Oh I really wanna see you, please let's hang out soon...followed by...hey i'm going out with friends meet me here" Look, if I was a priority, we'd be hanging out. People can talk and talk, but cannot support with. Like I've always said, I can tell you I will give you twenty dollars, that I want to give you twenty dollars, but until I give you twenty dollars, it just isn't fucking so. If you want to see me, you're going to come and see me. I got shit going on, yes I know that everybody has shit going on...but I think, in this instance, this scenario, my life changing plans going down in 19 days are a little bigger than you going through your life routine.

I get home and continue a Facebook status comment war I have going on with one of my friends on the alter ego account...I guess the guy was seriously mad or something while I was just joking around (of course) and he makes one last remark to which I try to reply to..uh oh, can't do that...wait..where did his name go..unavailable content..that mother fucker...I was blocked. So I sent a message out to him from my other, real account. Again joking, he again makes the last comment, then blocks me...I know awesome people.

but then, probably the thing I am most upset about, came shortly after that...you know, when it rains, it pours right? I really don't want to get into all the nitty gritty of it, however, I just don't know what to do, about anything anymore.

They say perception is reality..literally what you think to be true is true to you. How you see something is how you see it, the world, whatever. If someone perceives me to be an asshole, then, to them, I am an asshole. Whether it's true to the world or not isn't so much the case, that person, in their world, has made me the character of The Asshole. Now granted, overwhelming opinion can put values back into people and things, sway other's opinions, etc., people can alter their perceptions.

I'm not one to persuade people to think differently of me, and maybe that's a fault of my own, but that's not how I do things. If you hate me from the get-go, fine, that's your own shitty fault for that, maybe I rubbed you the wrong way, wronged you in a past life, whatever..I'm not going to force myself on you (physically or mentally) maybe after time I'll grow on you, maybe I won't, but I'm not going to try and make you think differently of me.

And maybe that's me picking the wrong fight to lay down for, because I mean honestly, I'm a kick ass awesome person, you should want to get to know me. But that does not mean I will not be effected by how you view me, how I make you feel...most of the time I upset people I intend on doing just that..it's when I "innocently" make people feel a certain way that I never intended on, that's when I become upset, let down - by myself. If all I am trying to do is love you, and you think all I like you for is your looks, I'm doing it wrong. and that's when I'll fight...maybe not necessarily fight to change how you feel, but to get to the root of what I'm doing that causes you to feel like that. (Yes I understand people can go bat-shit crazy for a moment and be afraid or feel things that are not really warranted..it happens, but you can't take this route out in an excuse for how you make someone feel)

I think this is one of my best moments of clarity I've had..you can't force yourself onto people and expect them to change...you can't chase down that crush and constantly throw yourself at them, all this will get you nowhere...you need to address what you are doing that they are perceiving. Like I said, get to the root of the source...don't tell them they are wrong for feeling that, convince them with actions, not words.

All this said, I don't know what I've done wrong..and people can sit and say all day, "it's not you it's me" and I'll still take it to heart. Whatever I did to today to make it so mad at me I do not know. I hate ending on feelings like this, because, as someone else goes to sleep, I stay awake...so it's not really an ending at all.

Even when I think I'm at my best, somebody sees me as my worst.









"If I ever say I want to work here again, shoot me in the fucking head - Don' worry, I know you won't be back"

I Didn't Mean for This

but my writing has a mind of its own..
..and this is the price I have to pay

blskfmsb;aab;ba;alb;afkeriojef;lke;flefklkeklerfmlemkqc mq'ewl

I don't even feel like writing right now only because I really don't know what I want to say..I'm afraid I'll say too much without saying anything at all, or without proper clarification. I don't want my words misconstrued and used against me without any understanding. Simply put, I have issues, however, these are no more a big of deal or any different than any other person's issues. If there's such a thing as "common knowledge" there has to be a thing of "common issues" or "common concerns". Let me explain.

When it comes to relationships, I gain issues. It's like owning a house and then you realize you have a backyard, you're going to put a trampoline there - as I enter a relationship, any and all past concerns resurface...it's not voluntary, they just come to light, get pulled off the backburner, get the dust blown off of them. Now I'll be the first person to say that you cannot hold grudges on your current lover based off the actions from your past - they aren't the ones who did whatever to you, so don't build up walls and attack them for things they didn't actually do. (until they do it) Give people the fresh slate they deserve.

I was called stupid yesterday by someone who was arguing this with me. I like to believe in people from the start, I let them fail on their own accord. If someone tells me something, I'll believe them, what other reason do I have not to?! It may sound foolish, but what good comes of thinking everyone is lying to you, everyone is out to get you, everyone is trying to take advantage of you? It's a lot easier to throw up walls and not let people in than to do just the opposite.

"but i'm tired of getting hurt...i'm protecting myself..." That's bullshit. If you're not making mistakes you're not doing it right. How can you love if you don't allow yourself to do so...oh what, you want this magical moment where as much as you try to block someone out and push them away they keep trying, tearing down your walls like Reagan? No, that's not going to happen, because you'll continue to fight them off, no matter what, and then they'll eventually give up, and you'll be left alone saying "see, told you so" playing the victim card one more time.

So I let love in. Granted I'm not falling in love with every person I meet, I mean I'm responsible enough with my heart in that respect, but I've given up on all that wall making shit - it's tiring not only to build, but to keep up, and fight on all those stupid walls. I'm becoming more open with myself, not allowing myself to lie or be lied to (at least I hope that is the case..trying to make everyone around me be honest...), to just love and live incidentally. But I still have some things to work on...

I've been cheated on, witnessed friends cheat, been in a relationship with an engaged person - so yeah, fuck you to say I have "trust issues". When the world I see around me is as corrupt like that, it's hard to not have "trust issues." Why do people cheat, are humans not monogamous creatures, can we still be faithful and trusted? After being around the block, living life for the twenty-seven years that I have, I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, shit so alarming that it made me want to discredit the value (if any) of being in relationships and of relationships in general.

I'm jealous, I'm clingy, and I have an over-active imagination - which does havoc on my psyche. I fully trust my partner-otherwise I wouldn't BE with them-but I still have my concerns. Take communication for example. The girls I've dated are like myself in regards to how they use their cell phones...so when I don't get a reply to my text, I don't panic..it is what it is, people have lives, duh. HOWEVER one thing that will drive me absolutely crazy is either A) very slow responses in certain situations when otherwise the texting conversation is very fast paced..and 2) when we are having a conversation and then all of a sudden the other person drops off from the face of the planet (especially if they were the ones to initiate the conversation!) Then in those situations I get concerned...what the heck is going on, why can't they respond now, what are they doing? I do not think these things are crazy, or even "issues", these are common concerns you'd find in any person polled.

And from there we can go right into the issue of having opposite sex friends, or exes as friends. A lot of people I've known cannot handle it when their partner has either a large fan base of the opposite sex, or a member of the opposite sex with whom that person is really close with. Meh, I mean yeah, it's awkward at first, but I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I have a large fan base of women in my life with whom I talk to and interact with - but you know, it was just the other day I said how taxing that must be for the 'one' woman in my life, and how I wish to change that. Sure it's a positive thing to have a good mixture, but anything other than that is unsettling. I've said it before, I'll say it some more: Girls and guys are friends for a reason, the reason just so happens to be that most of the time feelings came into play.

I'll just come out and say it, I'm not a fan of my girl being friends with a guy when I know and She knows that he has feelings for her. Do I trust her, of course I do! (again, I said it before, if I didn't trust her I wouldn't be dating her), but-here's that infamous line- it's the guy I do not trust. It's cliche but I hate when people try to disregard it because of that fact, it's cliche because it's true. I'm a guy, I know guys, I know how guys are, I know what goes on in guys heads. Girls, you think you know what's going on, but no..when we start talking about women, or cooking, or cleaning, I'll ask for your input. This, however, I got.

Girls who are friends with guys, whatever...it happens, no harm no foul. BUT the moment that guy finally professes his love for her, shows interest, whatever...uh uh..no can do. There's a reason why people say they can't get in a relationship with their friend-because they'll ruin that friendship..YA DAMN RIGHT. or at least, that's what should happen...However girls have this thing in their head where they think if they say no, then that means no. Try telling this to all women who get raped every year...guys simply do not hear the word "no".

So after the true emotions come out, Sally tells John no, then they somehow magically (for some reason everything this past week is either magic or wizardry) continue to be friends. In the Girl's head and world, Sally has voiced her opinion and that's the final verdict. HOWEVER, in John's world it's a different story.

John has been turned down, but it's not over, he is determined, he will try again. And now that nothing between them has changed, he is especially determined. They are still friends, they are still close...he can still win her over. He will plot and scheme til he is blue in the face trying to get a way for her to be with him. I mean why not, Sally is still in his life, they still talk, obviously she must be entertaining the idea otherwise he'd be history by now. As long as Sally stays in John's life like it was before, John will continue to try and believe he has a chance with Sally. Again, Sally is set on nothing ever happening ..(everything can be peachy-keen and that's a skewed mentality)..but John on the other hand, as long as Sally is in sight, he can still fire away.

People with under-minding motives piss me off. In the last example John and Sally stay friends, for whatever reason, and all this really does is encourage John to try more and even harder. With John's "foot in the door", so to speak, he can retain that "friendship" where Sally feels comfortable. Comfortability is crucial for John to win Sally "back". Because John is a friend with Sally he now has insight into her life, commenting and critiquing on every guy that comes into Sally's life...is there for Sally's heartaches..and because of that comfort, will succeed in his quest.

It happens, it's real..I've seen it, I've lived it, on both ends. I'm tired of it. Guys have hidden agendas. It's for this reason I'm not friends with many guys, I cannot live like that, nor do I want that around me. If you've openly expressed feelings for a girl that I am dating and are friends with her, that will be the last of you. Yes she does have the right to be friends with whomever she wants to, and I'm not a controlling bastard that will tell her what she can and cannot do...but I do not like when my girl will willing put herself into situations that may jeopardize our relationship.

----->Sidenote: Any girl that listens to my concerns, has an understanding for my concerns, and respects my concerns is one HELL of a person...and I'm lucky to have found such a person<------

The guy doesn't want to "just be friends", if he did, he would have never dropped the bombshell that he liked you. If he was any sort of decent man he could retain his friendship, but slowly drift away into the night, putting his focus on conquering another woman. But no..this was something he wanted, was denied, and is rightfully someone else's. (For the record I know that women are not possessions, but for the love of writing, please just go along with it..it's not like this is the first time someone has ever said anything like this, and in no way is it meant to be undermining or belittling, sheesh.) Guy's like challenges, and that makes me more concerned.

So it's not the girl I do not trust, I understand her logic and where she stands, it's the guy who I know is relentless in his pursuit, badmouthing me whenever he can, there for my girl in her time of need, gaining that comfort which turns into something more...

say I have trust issues?...well it's because of fagots like you I have "trust issues" - you on the other hand must have mommy issues for the amount of pussy you try to snag on a nightly basis.

be gone you, before I learn how to do that one mile kill-shot.









"She says she doesn't want to hurt me - that's what happens in love and war, people get hurt..if they didn't there wouldn't be anything to die for"

Loose Lips Sink Ships

why being tight..
..is the new black

loose adj \ˈlüs\ a : lacking in precision, exactness, or care

From women to change, being loose is never a good thing.




Loose women spread diseases..
loose mouths break hearts..

I've Made a Huge Mistake

it's never too late..
..except in this case..

then it's called a regret.

I'm leaving Cali, once again, and returning to Indy - I cannot say "home" because "home" would infer that Indy and I were on some sort of good terms and loved one another..nothing further could be from the truth.

I don't understand why I never made my move out here in 2010, June, like it was all planned for...but then again, I kinda do. My first trip out to the state of Cali, El Eh in fact, was in July of 2009..there's no difference in leaving one hot place and going to another...I left Indy during the warm summer months for a place that was just equally as warm, big whoop...it was like driving to the other part of the city, with palm trees and legal U-turns.

This time it was completely different. I left Indy's harsh January weather for an 80 degree sunny welcoming of the Greater Orange County area. It's a different world out there because of this. I rented a convertible - they tried to give me a Yaris, so as I am standing there, looking at my little compact humility, I turned around...in the spot across from me was a 2011 white convertible Mustang, you know, the same Mustang I looked at prior to getting my VR4...I walked back to the keyosk and asked to be switched, it's my vacation after-all. I was told there was an unexpected warm front that made the convertible a possibility this weekend, I would have never known. I was also told during my trip that the air was oddly clear for the duration of my stay...apparently LA wants me.

Warm weather. From the moment I hopped into my Mustang I took the top down and got on the freeway - it reminded me of the time in Jan of 2008 TJ and I went to Florida for a week. He rented a mustang convertible as well - granted the weather was something short of 60 when we were down there, again, it was a lot warmer than the winter snowstorm we had just left in Ohio.

What aroused my self-being was the fact it was so comfortably warm, yes it's a dry heat , nothing like the humid 80 we have in the midwest, but coupled with the fact that while I was driving north on the freeway I was driving towards a mountain range. Far in the distant I could see the snow-capped mountains and I was overcome with this unspeakable feeling. It was 80, yet I could see snow still. This was just about as exciting for me as it is for my dick to see a hot chick in a white skirt. It was this..not humbling..but rather comforting feeling...like as if Cali was saying, you'll never forget home after you call this home.

And in a weird way, it makes sense. I always used to say I could never (did you see I said never) live in a place like LA that had no distinct seasons...that I would want the leaves to change color in the fall, that I'd want snow on Xmas, all that shit...and really, that's been the only prohibiter from me really wanting to leave any of the times...not wanting to change, to lose a piece of myself, not being able to adjust. As I grew older instead of becoming more acclimated to the constant weather changes, I grew more and more hatred towards it.

Life is too short to dance with fat chicks and deal with the cold.

I realize this now, in my opinion all too late. I wished I would have just taken the one way trip and never looked back...but something happened a year ago that made that not an option, something that will change the course of my life from here on out. I happened to to care of a gentlemen who eventually became my recruiter. With only one year left of eligibility to join a group I had secretly wanted to become apart of since I was a child I jumped on that last minute opportunity.

At the time it made perfect sense to me...for the past several years I've openly scoffed at the idea of ever joining the military, yet deep down inside tossed around the possibilities. About three years ago I actually took the initiative to talk to a recruiter. She told me I was old, even for back then, she shut down my ideas, I didn't like her, I stopped thinking about it. It didn't help that NOBODY I talked to about it had any bit of encouragement. Everybody kept telling me there was another way to make my dreams come true, to do this or do that, that the military was a stupid option, I wasn't military, that all these thoughts need to go away. I accepted their concerns as being real and moved on.

Then, I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact I was waiting on a recruiter, maybe it was me wanting out of Indy at any price possible, but I went back to talk to another recruiter. Again I had another life plan, it was accepted this time. I joined without telling anyone. It wasn't til after I signed my paperwork that I made the call to my parents.

My grandfather was the only one who was proud of me, everyone else was shocked and upset...from parents to friends - heck there's still a group of people getting signatures on a petition to make me stay. For once in my life I felt like I made a decision on something that I wanted, I WANTED. Looking back on the history of my life I've always followed in someone else's footsteps or lived the life they wanted me to live for them..people lived vicariously through me, people envied me...I envied them.

I moved to Btown because a group of friends invited me to, I worked at OG because a friend told me to, I worked up at CP because a friend said it would be good because he worked there and found himself, from there I moved to Hawai'i and worked on a cruise-ship based on one of my managers requests. After a second season at CP I moved to Indy because of a girl. Even my ill-fated attempts to move to Orlando were because of outside influences.

This time, this was me making a decision with no influences other than my own...my first real attempt at figuring out who I am and what I should do...and apparently that causes people to get all up in arms about it.

But now, I'm questioning my own decision in this...remember those life plans I had that were accepted...after more research and talks with recruiters, yeah, it's not possible. So I tried to change jobs, something I found interesting..I took the tests, I passed with flying colors, it was available, I thought I had walked through the door that opened when the other was closed...but I was wrong. The MOS didn't go through, I was stuck with my old job choice..the one I want nothing to do with because it will only remind me of a path that will dead-end, a life dream that will never happen, and possibly because I in't take that leap of faith three years ago..you remember, when I listened to everyone else except myself.

So as of right now, for the next four years I am supposed to do a job I want nothing to do with..and bitching about it is NOT what a Marine does. You are not supposed to care about what job you get so much as you are supposed to want to become a Marine - yeah I get that, but I know me, maybe not best but I still know me a great deal...and if I have to do this job for any given length of time, I'm going to hate it, hate my stint with the Marines, want to get out as soon as possible, making it only four years, and it'll probably still leave me wondering what the fuck to do with my life...let alone hate me for taking a chance on what I want to do, which will put me right back to where I was before, being directed on what to do next.

Sure a lateral move to that specific MOS is possible down the road, but if anyone knows me it's an all or nothing way of life..I don't want to fucking hop over and start over again on a MOS I wanted to begin with, I don't want to move backwards in this regard..It gets me so worked up thinking about it I'm actually getting flustered on the plane right now.

I'd much rather just gets sent to the job I picked, I wanted, and go from there...just to see what it's all about...you know..maybe I won't enjoy my time with the Marines, but I'd rather it be on my terms, something I picked, something I wanted to try out instead of going into it with a predisposed failure attitude.

All this makes me want to not go altogether. Not because I'm afraid of the hardships of boot, being away from...wherever..but because it's not going to be what I want..and there should be one phrase that comes to mind when you think of me, and it's, "I do what I want" - said in that really weird way i say it.

I don't know what I'd do out in LA, I don't have a specific dream I can really afford to follow, and I'm so over serving people it's retarded. I'm a man who's only getting older, with no degree except for in real life situations, who was never given and has yet to find a life compass.

I always go with my gut, but it appears he's out to lunch.










"I don't make regrets, I make decisions, regret is never an option"

It's Late

Never is too late..
unless that's what you want

so then there can't be this saying

I just watched a movie..and i probably shouldn't have done that - not because it's 2am and i have to be at work in..4 hours....but because of the movie itself. I have enough shit going on that I really didn't need to deal with that...I would have been better off reading Nausea.

I'm not tired..I don't even know what to do right now...i suppose I'll pack

*breathe*

people come and go from our lives all the time. Every now and then I like to look through old facebook messages, emails, etc..not necessarily for the content, but to see who they were from. It's funny how many people i can remember - before the facebook years - although their names are not there in my mind, their footsteps are.

I sometimes wish i could remember their names, look them up on FB, maybe friend them..see how they are doing..but what the fuck good is that, honestly. These people made an impression (all people make an impression, it just varies), but now they are gone...they won't be back, they aren't coming back...and for people like me, people hoarders, it's difficult.

I don't like to throw things away, my mother was a pack-rat and so am i...though I believe I am not nearly as a cluttered mess as my mother. Every once in awhile I'll come to my senses and throw some junk away - only to have it bite me in the ass later when I go looking for it because I finally need it.

Case in point: I was wanting to give a certain girl a t-shirt that I owned. I loved this shirt, obviously because I bought it, but it didn't fit me like I wanted it to. I held onto it because I knew one day, one day, I'd meet a girl that had a sense of style that was particular for this shirt. I ever let go of it in hopes of one day meeting this girl.

but apparently I did let go, of the shirt, and the dreams. And now as I sit here, i'm clueless holding these puzzle pieces made out of nothing.

i guess what it comes down to is, i've never been able to appreciate anything..in it's entirety. i love my car, but i don't know the intricacies of it..I've always wanted to break down every little item around me, but I want to do it naturally..I hate having to force things. I just want to appreciate things without being told to do so. To see things for more than face value..i suppose i can only do that in women.

sometimes i miss the women that were once apart of my life, other times i get upset at them for making me who i am today - for fucking me up early on, resulting in all the misfortunes and broken hearts to follow...causing all the pain and turmoil..the fears..the unwillingness to commit..to open up..to love..to love too soon...

you wanna know why i'm such a prick, why i've fucked you over, why i've made you cry...look at yourself in the god damned mirror and you'll see the reason..maybe not me personally, but the reason why some other guy is fucked up.

sure it's a two way street, but fuck.you. this is my time to talk, get back in the fucking kitchen.

sorry, that was Madmen speaking there...i started Season 1 today in light of the party I will be attending tomorrow. It's alright I guess, I finished the first disc...I don't particularly like hour long shows - except for MacGyver - but what can ya do

all this has gotten me nowhere..










"you're wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have to make a decision- catch a game or go to the movies"

2011

New Year..
knew nothing

same ol same ol

My first post of the New Year..I didn't do my yearly wrap-up like I enjoy doing..heck, I didn't even accomplish my goal - which was to make more posts than my lowest post year ever (2007 with 42 posts...I fell short, 34). So now I feel bad, I'm upset, I failed, and really...I don't know why..

When I think about everything that went on in 2010, and as much of a kick as I got going on later in the year, out of the 365 days, I only published 34 posts?

This year does not look promising either. I have, what, 39 days before I have the next who knows how long off and away from a computer. Well heck, even if I post everyday until then I'll still beat last year, as sad as that is.

So in short, stay tuned..enjoy the posts..enjoy my updates...but don't get too attached because it'll be all gone, once again.

take me as i come cuz i can't stay long.










"..but this year goes to eleven.."