What Have I Done???

Ok, so the funny thing with this blog and title itself has change drastically over the 20 hour period that i have been thinking about blogging. so work was, well work, sunday at alco, get some sleep seeings how i didn't get any the night prior due to circumstances i'll explain later, then off to target...wherein i got sent home after first break for having massive "panic/anxiety attacks". in all i was over, heavily breathing, about to snap and ball at any moment in the backroom, my legs grew numb, then i kinda passed out, but not really. they tried giving me some water, but i couldn't swallow the shit, it hurt to breathe, yet i felt i had to at a tremendously fast rate, my lungs started to hurt, among other cavities in my chest. they let me out of the building but i was in no condition to drive, so i did the next best thing, i balled my eyes out til i passed out from all the overexhurtion.when i came to i drove around, tried to think about things, nothing really helped, i made it home at 730 or so. why you ask am i, jason angus, telling you about something i would wish not to tell, a character flaw, an infalbility amoungst myself, probably because i lost the person who i normally would tell these things to. so what happened you ask? it all goes back to just a couple days ago, brooke and i seemed to be getting close, not bf/gf, but best friend close, maybe with some love added in there, but things were getting really good between us, and i was becoming happier. so we're telling each other everything, and she has something to tell me, she says i won't like it and so forth, what it is i don't know, but she thinks i'll hate her for it, but i tried telling her before, i could never hate her, no matter what she did, i will always love her. so admist the story telling, whcih she never get very far, she turned the tables and asked me a question, it was time to fuss up, yes i did lie to her about whom i talked to about us while i was at michigan. as i said before, i didn't like the fact that i lied to her, but at the time it seemed to be the only possible thing to do, it didn't seem like the situation was a big deal, not as if i lied to her about sleeping with someone or any other huge thing, but apparently this was a HUGE thing to her, i didn't realize it, i fucked up. it hurt me each time she asked about it, and i came close several times to confessing, i just couldn't keep lying to her. and even during this past week i had thpught about bringing up that little lie to her, and coming clean, i hoped that this would be a good thing to do, being honest and upfront about everything all the time, i was hoping toconnect with her more. she eosn't trust me anymore, she doesn't want to talk to me, all her love towards me has vanished, i killed anything that could have been us...but i love her, i honestly do, can't you tell by what my heart is bleeding unto this screen that i do...i mean i'd do anything for her, she's my princess, i didn't want to lie to her anymore. and now she feels as thoguh she can't tell me this thing/story of hers.i don't care what it is, i'm not going to get mad baby, just please talk to me. i know you read this blog, at least i think you still do. please forgive me, i'm sorry...."I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best, I can't keep track of each fallen robin"...i had something that hurt you, not tell me the thing that will hurt me, and it will make things even, right? i mean i'm aboe to look past it, though i don't know what it is, i love you, and i want ot be wit you more than anything...i know you've told me right now isn't a good time for you, you don't want a boyfriend, you just want a friend, and i know i don't understand that because, baby, it's us, dating me is like what we've been doing for the past 2 monthes we haven't been dating, we talk every night, i come down to visit you, i sleep in the meijer's parking lot while it snows for you, i rearrange my schedule to make it we can be together, i planned this weekend getaway to chicago for you, and i still accountable only to you, and that's the way it's always gonig to be. i can't loose you...you tell me that to love you is to let you go, but to let you go is to let me die. i want you to keep focused on your studies, of course, i want you to succeed in everything you do, and i want ot be the guy standing next to you watching you accomplish those things. i know we can do it together...i don't know what else to say right now, i love you, i'm sorry, please find it in your heart to forgive me, i'll always be able to forgive you, i know we can make this work, i leave you with this...

I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love,
I love you more than money and more than the stars above,
Love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea,
Love you more than life itself, you mean that much to me.

Ever since you walked right in, the circle's been complete,
I've said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street,
To the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun,
I love you more than ever and I haven't yet begun.

You breathed on me and made my life a richer one to live,
When I was deep in poverty you taught me how to give,
Dried the tears up from my dreams and pulled me from the hole,
Quenched my thirst and satisfied the burning in my soul.

You gave me babies one, two, three, what is more, you saved my life,
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth, your love cuts like a knife,
My thoughts of you don't ever rest, they'd kill me if I lie,
I'd sacrifice the world for you and watch my senses die.

The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth,
We'll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth,
What's lost is lost, we can't regain what went down in the flood,
But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood.

It's never been my duty to remake the world at large,
Nor is it my intention to sound a battle charge,
'Cause I love you more than all of that with a love that doesn't bend,
And if there is eternity I'd love you there again.

Oh, can't you see that you were born to stand by my side
And I was born to be with you, you were born to be my bride,
You're the other half of what I am, you're the missing piece
And I love you more than ever with that love that doesn't cease.

You turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see,
Just bein' next to you is a natural thing for me
And I could never let you go, no matter what goes on,
'Cause I love you more than ever now that the past is gone

Fuck Off...

i think i need some time off. i haven't been able to blog due to my crazy work schedule. all i know is that i'm pissed at some people...let's see, jimmy c was being an asshole, stealing 25 dollar pallets and saying shit about doing things for mt own personal gain, yeah ok. apparently it's not a good thing to become a "jason angus", i don't know why, i have things, don't i, well maybe not what i want. maybe i suppose so,but damn, thanks for the harsh ripping on me guys. somebody keeps eating my boo berry cereal, which isn't sold around here, and it's my last box i wanted to enjoy..looks like another trip to Biggs, for a box of cereal...and there's also other crap going down. i'm getting the impression i'm just a bad person in general. why do people say things, then don't talk about them when asked. why does my heart keep breaking, when it's already been destroyed, why am i so hungry right now, i just ate last night. why aren't the lights on, it is 130. Why can't i find a better job. what is holding me back, it's not like i have any dreams, well just one, but tat's already ruined so now what. i'm sorry, i'm leaving it with this. i guess i'm bound to not live with anybody for the rest of my life, but you know hat the sad part is, i only show my true angry/depressed feelings on here, elsewhere it's a front of somewhat happiness, that's terrible. ok, time off now, see you guys..i don't know, no calls, nothing, you don't need me like i need her......goodbye everyone

I've counted my eggs before they hatched and put them into one basket....basically i'm fucked

just when you, well actually i, think times are rough, some kick to the groin comes along to make things worse. My 23 day count down is nearing and coming in with even greater a bang now. my mother has come to the conclusion that we just can't afford paying the house every month, and so now she's in a predicament. So i'm guessing by the time my countdown will be up, so will our stay here at 634 apache lan. she's torn on what to do; either move back in with my grandparents and give up the dogs, or move down to missourri, and she wants to do neither. The first one i understand, living with my grandparents, in a small small trailer, living with my granparents, wouldn't be onlnie, living with my granparents, loosing the dogs, and living with my granparents. the second offer i'm not sure why she's turning that down, who knows. Looks like i'm going to have to be aggressive and got on the ball with nancy so that we can seal the deal on a house and i'll be able to extend my long term problems with a short term solution. well i've always been 'fraid of changes *the hershey bar, unchanged since 1899*, and yeah i did build my life around you; all hopes, dreams, desires, which is a way to show love, yet so worng when it doesn't work out. think about that, when yo love someone you have to "prove" it, not really prove, but you understand what i'm saying, by opening upyour heart, extending yourself out for them, and hopefully becoming one...well if during the chemical interaction someting screws up such as disagreements, some other person walks into their life, the openness just allows a massive destruction of he wrongeds inner self and feelings. you have to give your heart every time you fall in love, or think you've fallen in love, and just pray that they feel the same about you, always....god this rambling is too incoherant for even me, i'm sorry. i'm also sorry that i've bothered you with my presence, if you want to be friends, that's fine, i'll have to treat you just like my other friends as well, and that would be a lot different..maybe you could be my best friend and then things would stay the same..ahh who knows, i'm sorry. speaking of friends...you'd have to steal from me, steal all sorts of things, whether it be money, time, ideas, whathave you, just steal and take all that i live around from me. when you build up your life on the small things, it's easy for stupid fuckers to fuck with your life, just mess with the little things, details, perfection, idas, whatever..but to get back at a person who beleives big things are the way of life you got to fuck with their big things, whcih usually ends up in a crime or something of the sorts....vandalizing thier homes, cars, whatever, asualt and battery, and in some cases, murder. yeah, you see when you fuck with people who like living with all the attention on small things, and you yourself are a big beleiver, we know how to fuck with you back....it just takes the willing/crazy/whatever...in all, don't fuck with us, leave us be, it's like we're the geeks of highschool or some shit, you get all this enjoyment out of torturing our lives because it is so easy...well you know what, fuck you! I'll get mine don't you worry...sorry, got off onto another tangent. well basically, i forgot most of what i wanted to say now, agian, this always happens, maybe i should write some shit down...hmmm...well though my future actions will seem like i'm escaping everything, and everyone, in reality i'm just escaping from me...and that will be all that was me, around me, and yeah, everything...but i need to do this.....just as she has left me.....i'm starting anew, it's over...i give up...goodbye

Things Suck....

So yeah, i thought i blogged about on monday how i blew my tire after leaving work from target, but i guess i was wrong, not 2 minutes on the raod and i blew my tire, fucking $200 for a tire. it was 7am and they finally got it on and i was on my way at 1020, missing the interveiw i needed to do for this old guy for alco. it was 4 degrees outside and here i was in the home depot parking lot putting on my doughnut, well i can now say i drove on a doughnut, hhaha, and heard a crazy story about the guy who helped me how back when he was in highschool he shoked a joke with the benchpress bar because he was picking on his handicapped brother, how great.so i am going in tangents here.....
I'm on probation on target which blows because due to the economy they are now promoting people with experience rather than schooling,great timing for me...
I really wanted to talk to you last night, but had nothing, i needed you, i need you, i want you....
so i have this idea for us, but i don't know if you're up for it, since you did just go tripping, i'll talk to you about it.....
dogs barking in the morning piss me off......
i hate it when my mom puts the toliet paper on backwards...and when she buys the rough shit....
the movies, tv, and media in general has fooled it's captive audience in beleiving in their dreams and what the ideal state of love is....nothing is like it is on tv, it's always lied to us, it gives us this picture perfect scenario, a utopian society, and you're supposed to use that as your guide in the real world, i think not. i mean that's what we want it to be like, but there are rough times, lots of them, love isn't as grand as the movies say. break up sucks, especially when the reasoning is because love isn't like this, it's not what i've been old, love is how you define it, a lot of people a harsher on the ones they love, because they love them,"you always hurt the ones you love most" you have higher expectations of people, let's use cowrkers, and when they slack, you are harder on them than say ol joe bob because joe bob sucks to begin with. i'm sorry for that....
even when i try i fail....that just sucks "failure, when you're best just isn't good enough"
is it foolish that i want to carry out our plans, whether i'm alone or not, i am going to do it....
speaking of movies, i watched Sweet Home Alabama, and you know towards the end where Reese (ha, first name basis) stands that NY guy up at the alter and doesn't marry him, and he's all like, yeah that's cool....that would never really happen and i was pissed at that, if he truly loved her, he'd be in shock, crying, and later pissed....but then it comes together, you have to watch the deleted scenes to find out the truth...you see he was cheating on her, now how fucked up was that, but it made me happy to know that, i felt a little better about myself...
nancy frigo is a really nice person, the appointment with her went well, and we just shot the shit while getting down to business, she even offered me The Last Drop, hahhaha
hmm that's about all for now i'll blog laters....

Shit.....

Well I had something to say, but fuck if i know now...all i know is i can't sleep, my head ache is bother the hell out of me.....yeah sleep, too aggitated to sleep, this is what hell would be like if hell had you in it, well maybe lack ther of because it's hell without you or something along those sorts, i can't even think straight, my mind hurts...til then

What the Hell's Going On???

So naturally i slept today, i mean whatelse was there to do, i needed my sleep between jobs and such, did watch a movie though, but that was only to make it so that i didn't sleep 14 hours...anywaysso once agian my dreams are fucking with me, i think someone's out to get me. i'll explain. you ever have those dreams wherein things are in your dream that you yourself haven't thought about in 10 years, people, places, ideas, things in the forgotten past, and then all of a sudden out of the clear blue they're there, like they hadn't missed a beat. everything is eactly as you remembered it from back then..well i've been having these dreams, and then today, today goes in the books. ok during dreams we've all had the "i just woke up in my dream dream", basically your dream starts with you waking up, or there's a part for transition it seemed like you were sleeping in it......well what happens when you dream in this state of already dreaming? Yeah, i had that, which really fucked me up. i mean think about it....you go to sleep, then you start dreaming, and it seems like a dream, then you wake up and your talking about your dream to people in your dream, you remember all the details, everything. yeah that freaked me out damn well and good, and since the dream involved the past, sorta, it's making me think about things...so here's my comment nobody will understand but me, i'm i bound to have an angie every 7 years? ha the mere thought of that is fucked up, but could explain so much...on that note, goodnight, i'm off to work while listening to my classical techno, yeah, that's fucked up too...

HA.....

Ok so the title....that's what i forgot....basically i figured i could now lay everything on the table, anything i've ever wanted to say, things i shouldn't say, things people asked me not to say, my thoughts and opinions which are just fucked up, but this would be the ultimate in unloading of anything i've ever had, so this will upset and piss a lot of people off, and maybe that's the intent.....


yeah well the backroom team last night knows that i'm not in my "normal" "happy happy" mood, they see it, and they want it to let it be, bu out of kindness they ask if anything is wrong, once i give them a blow off answer, their satisfied for having asked, and now they can continue about their ways..it's a nice way it works out, nobody's harassing me, i mean come on, it's work not therapy. i mean they do try to make me feel beter with little things, and it makes me smile, they're a good group, well some.


at target tonight, to keep on that track, i got the worst feeling of pity party vibes since, well, pity party first formed. I spent the entire night wallowing on my own self pity..these feelings of inadequacy, pain, sorrow, regret, wrongfulness, they were back and with a vengance. it wascompletely terrible, i forgot how bad these things truly felt seeings i was with the one i love for over 2 years. All i can say, with an escape for words, is it just fucking sucked.....i need to go away, whether it be to my hole, or whatever...

as for now that's all i really got to say, i'm sure i'll be back with some stuff, i'm writing a bunch

Here It Is...

Ok, so i was thinking this morning at Target, and my thoughts are getting clearer, if that's a word. Yeah, I'm having complete thoughts, now whether they be sane or anything close to that is the other subject. Thoughts of leaving all this behind were running rampant in my head like a teenager just finding out what a boobie is. So many options, but here i sit, doing nothing. Everyone always wants to head to california when they want to get away, zach baiel's idea last year, brooke's this year, i don't see what's so good over there, maybe i should give it a shot i mean heck, i haven't even been out of a 5 state area around here. And then when i start thinking about it i realize i don't want to get up and go at any random, spontaneous point because of the fact that i have bills, car payments, priorities and responsibilities....but isn't that for leaving in the first place, to get away from all that? So then we all know about the final solution, but that's to come, not for right now...then i was thinknig about if things do pick up, like finding a good job, it will most likely be ofu of this state, and one random day i'll pick and leave for that life, leaving everything that left me here. i mean why not, if others think they can do it, why can't i; why shouldn't it be possible to leave all the pain and suffering behind and start on a blank slate somewhere else...granted i'm not sociable and won't be finding any friends, but i'll keep myself busy. if at all necessary, i could take up two jobs, but that would defeat one of the purposes why i left.i vowed to never love agian, like i could or even wanted to, so maybe i'll get a dog, no, i'd like that too much, i'll do without, i'll stick to little stupid things that make me and only me happy. hmmm, this tangent got a lot longwer than i expected, and now i forgot what elsde i was planing on saying...well this is jason saying the phone's on, but i'm only retrieving voicemails...... ha that has a double meaning, thanks

Let the Countdown Begin...

I'm sorry my bloggings have been, well, irratic, i hope we all know the reasoning for this - yes, work. I'm loosing myself agian in my work, not having the time to even stop and think what's going on. Today for starters just proved to me that all my efforts are fruitless; everything i tried to do whether it be pleasing someone, beating the system, time, or going around the guy in front of me, it was to no avail. Around 330 as i got to work at alco i realized i just wasn't gonig to put forth any extra effort to do something; if it was bothering me, in my way, any bit of troubling, i was just going to take it, not change/correct/manuver around it - i mean for what would be the reason? So now you may be asking what does the title have to do with anything, normally i address this query in the opening sentence of my blogging, but wanted it to elude your mind for a second then tell you about it, or whatever. Well basically in 31 days from today, there will come the day which i never thought would; i mean growing up you may look past that point at bits and pieces of the future life, but as i grew older, i knew i wouldn't make it past 19. Becoming 20 turns you to nothing - think about it - you are no longer a teenager, yet not old enough to buy alcohol, just as the second number denotes, you are zilch. Now that i put that depressing spin on the age 20, that's not my reasoning for not wanting to be that number. All in all i just never saw myself growing to this point, i was assured i'd be dead by now, whether it be by my hands, someone else's, or just an incident; i mean i knew i'd "graduate" middle school, and then go onto highschool, go throguh that torture, and maybe start gonig to college, but that's where it got blurry. Yeah i wanted to be rich when i was 30, but how did i get there, then i'd think about college, what i'd major in; then realizing what i wanted changed more often than my socks did. Psychology, yeah that will get me far; Law, too many lawyers, and i'd have to be some evil crook to be rich; Architect/Urban Devolper, yeah stupid and all my ideas would be spent after the first few designs...so that left me nowhere. And I'm not even really good at any one thing, i'd say i'm alright at most things, but not one thing do i show exemplary talent in. I don't know what i want, if only i had enough money to do things i wanted to do, open a business to say i owned a business, or made just that one building i wanted, read books on psychology and of course parapsychology. So where in the world is there a place for someone like me? Ohhhh, 31 days....31 days for things to turn around, well actually 30, then the last day will be just that, a day to look onto the past, not the future. Granted i did during highschool extend my thoughts of being rich, this time with a special someone, and my "20" thoughts were out of the question, i'd live past that. Hell i got so wrapped up in being with her i almost missed picking out a college alltogether -thank you UofM with their late acceptance date- but here i sit, not in college, but in town, as a townie. I've retunred to a place which i left only to inturn have everything i came back for leave me. These are my thoguhts at this monet, this is jason angus saying goodnight

Weekend With My Lovely...

So let me tell you about the much anticipated weekend with my lovely, though i don't think legally i can say that...maybe the weekend with the lovely, yeah i think that will work for now. I got off to a late start sortwa, would have liked to be on the road before 4 but run ins with family and other crap held me back, so got things going off shakey. I wanted to trim time off due to the late start so i decided to take a new route i've never taken before, 26 across the state, which all in all seemed to work just fine, as long as there weren't cars in front of me that is. I do beleive i made it down there by 8 her time, walked into the building and waited a couple minutes for her to come down, i got really anxious, and then she arrived, and i was happy. We headed out in search of findng a movie theater...while cruising we ended up in downtown muncie, the drunken orgy fest was going on and we wanted out of there as fast as possible. along the traveling we did find some theaters, but the movies had funny playing times and we wouldn't be able to watch all of it or so. And thus we headed to Meijer, letting her drive my car of course, i think that made her happy. I will admit that i was beyond slap happy that night for several reasons; well on is obvious, i was with the brookie, and i'll just go to two with it, i had worked friday night at Target nito saturday morning working at alco and was running on no sleep at tat time, but the things we'll do for love...so meijer was fun, she bought stuff, we got overcharged and i got to fix it, yay, and then we decided to head back to the dorm. We rented out the kitchen and made velveeta shells and cheese, which posed to be a problem at first, the damn stove kept smoking, but we finally got it cooked. We ate the delicious meal under the lights of the movie screen playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. it got to be 12 and i was kicked out, and should have been a long time ago or so they said, and i departed til the next day. I headed back on over to meijer, went in only because i forgot to bring hair gel and neede some for the next day, damn me and my petty maintence. So sleeping in the car in the meijer parking lot was fine until 5, it was just too damn cold even with my blanket and jacket wrapped around me. So i started my car and turned on the heated seat, which then instantly put me back to sleep...and i oke up an hour later cursing that i left my car running, turned it off and fell back asleep. woke up before my alarm went off which gave me plenty of time to get ready in the bathroom to meet agian. so she took me to this, well church but not church, worship session, bad wordings, worshipping, maybe, yeah, that sounds good. it was different, a lot different, run by some students, i can see why she likes it so much. I thought i was at a concert or something, the live band was intense. i would even go so far as to say maybe zach would like it...but that's just me. Aftwerwards we met up with liz and another friend, kate i beleive, for lunch. I couldn't tell if that was the same cafeteria i was at march 10 1999 or not, seemed close to it, but things have changed so who knows, stepping out of the past...during lunch brooke came up with this cry rambling, that if i tried to explain, well, i wouldn't even be sable to begin...you just had to be there, so then we headed to the mall, a place i love gonig to, brooke was looking for dresses for prom, no not with me *sigh*, but the mall is mall so you can virtually go into every store and still be out in an hour, i enjoyed it. Tehn we headed over to the very ghetto target, which was a sad sight because half the store was empty...they are building a new one overby the mall which will open..well the 8th. they were out of the stuff that we wanted but did purchase the Q-tips she needed. and then we headed back to the dorm. I got some pictures of her *YAY* and she went to her room and took some for me, and then i walked her to orchestra receital. In the building she huged me goodbye, and i didn't want to let go of her. it was emotionaly, but i tried olding back from anything, i told he i'd miss her, she replied with yeah right, we said goodbye and she turned and headed down the hallway as i watched from the entrance, her walking away from me, the door closed and i walked into the brisk air outside with a tear in my eye. i walked back to my car and headed out of town....
The Ride Back...
So i had nothing to do that night so i decided to kill time and headed up to hartford city to go see an alco. i was told since i was that far it was quicker to go to fort wayne then take 30 back to lowell, entrusting this advice i did so. Well to make a longstory short i was on te road for approximatly 5 hours doing that trip, good god was i dissapointed, good thing i didn't have to work or anything that night. I made it into my bed at 8 my time and crashed right there and then, any plans for people wanting to go out would just be pushed back to a later date and time, i was dead tired.
So wit the final note between that saturday to tuesday i put close to 700 miles on my car, how fucking insane is that????