Freaky....
Ok, nothing's scary then as you approach the staircase, you hear nightmare on elm street-esque music emitting from darkened destination...I knew perfectly well where it was coming from, the damned possessed computer, but it still took me a couple minutes before I traversed the stairs..Yeah, call me a wimp, but I believe in shit like that....and the music just messes with my head...
Saturday, January 31, 2004
A Second note...
Sure death is sad, but it happens every day, every minute, but nobody thinks on that larger scale..some deaths are needed, some are justified, so happen for whatever reason, most make us wonder..but for whatever reason, they happen..It's funny to say but death is a part of life...Now I'm not condoning living in fear that at any second you can no longer be, no not at all..But at the same time I won't condone doing crazy stupid things because life is too short.
I suppose there is no happy medium with me and my opinions...On the one hand I want to say, yeah have some fun, just don't harm yourself or others (something that was broken last week..) be responsible, this and that, but everybody is different...I think this is one of the biggest arguments philosophers face, how to live life? The Greeks asked when a man died, "did he have passion" not what he did, how rich he was, but that, so what does that tell you? Are we supposed to make an impact on people, what if your death is that impact..It's all really confusing and I don't have the mind set to argue anything right now..How serious can you take all the statements made about life, such as, "don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway"
And to wrap up this post (seeings how I've been interrupted numerous time while making both posts...) what you have, what you value is what you don't have, what you miss....Nothing that you have now is of any worth til it's gone, keep that in mind (mostly directed at myself, but I never listen to myself) but yeah...wear sunscreen..
Holy Sonnets: Death, be not proud
1Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
2Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
3For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
4Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
5From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
6Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
7And soonest our best men with thee do go,
8Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
9Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
10And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;
11And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
12And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
13One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
14And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.
Sure death is sad, but it happens every day, every minute, but nobody thinks on that larger scale..some deaths are needed, some are justified, so happen for whatever reason, most make us wonder..but for whatever reason, they happen..It's funny to say but death is a part of life...Now I'm not condoning living in fear that at any second you can no longer be, no not at all..But at the same time I won't condone doing crazy stupid things because life is too short.
I suppose there is no happy medium with me and my opinions...On the one hand I want to say, yeah have some fun, just don't harm yourself or others (something that was broken last week..) be responsible, this and that, but everybody is different...I think this is one of the biggest arguments philosophers face, how to live life? The Greeks asked when a man died, "did he have passion" not what he did, how rich he was, but that, so what does that tell you? Are we supposed to make an impact on people, what if your death is that impact..It's all really confusing and I don't have the mind set to argue anything right now..How serious can you take all the statements made about life, such as, "don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway"
And to wrap up this post (seeings how I've been interrupted numerous time while making both posts...) what you have, what you value is what you don't have, what you miss....Nothing that you have now is of any worth til it's gone, keep that in mind (mostly directed at myself, but I never listen to myself) but yeah...wear sunscreen..
Holy Sonnets: Death, be not proud
1Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
2Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
3For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
4Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
5From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
6Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
7And soonest our best men with thee do go,
8Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
9Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
10And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;
11And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
12And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
13One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
14And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.
This One's Gonna Get Me in Trouble....
Alright, so here we go again, Lowell has yet again come face to face with some "tragic" happening, whether it be molestation or in this case a death, the views and opinions of a town alter so dramatically....
So the other night three Lowell students were in a car accident, they had just dropped off the fourth moments prior, so it could have been 4 and the death count could have raised, but in any event, everyone was involved with the accident, just the three in the car more relatively, and all three "survived"...of course though two in life one in death, funny how the same word can be made out to mean two opposite things if purswayed the right way...
But I stand on the other side of the road opposite those morning, standing firm on grounds and beliefs that no "accident" could change, so be it.
From one view, yeah we got three youths involved in a tragic car accident involving just themselves, one of the passengers lost their life, the other two were rushed to the hospital with injuries. Sounds like it is something bad, maybe it is, then again maybe it isn't....
There are no "good" words any paper can publish about this occurrence, they weren't great sports players, involved with extra-curricular activities, earned good grades..But even if they were, does that justify anything...
Let's spotlight the driver for a second...Now I went past the whole wreck scene, from dropping off the fourth student to where the car met it's fate, and I tell you, it's not a nice thought that comes to my mind....The car was reported doing anywhere from 65 to 85...that alone is problem A. Let's add in the fact that it is a hilly, barely 2 laned back road, problem B. The snow made any road driving treacherous, hell, route 2 and nine mile were bitches to drive on, let alone this backroad, problem 3. Oh, and the distance it was from the dropping off to the accident where the car stopped, yeah not very far, any excess of speed was done deliberately, problem 4. And why would a 17 year old believe he could even undertake such extreme weather conditions like it has been the past couple of days, how long has he been driving, it may have been his first winter for all we know, problem 5....Oh and let's not forget to mention he was driving with a suspended license, for three months (maybe I see it as poetic justice, three months and three victims...) problem 6. And I'll just wrap this up with good ol problem 7, these kids were notorious for alcohol and drug abuse and according to sources were very likely under the influence of something at the time. (regardless if they weren't, they still are notorious for it, so again we see a problem..)
Tragedy, depends on how you look at it, what spin the media puts on it, and for some reason I'll always be on that other side getting a different look at it, keeping everything in realty, in perspective, keeping everything level, and still seeing the lighter sides of things....
It's funny when things like this happens, seems to put everyone in their place, mostly (and this is from something/someone close to home...) those who joked around about death before, those who said, "god I just want to die, life sucks, to hell with this all...." etc. Of course I'm not talking about myself, like I said before my opinions don't change on a whims like that. I can still joke about death, drive like an ass in this weather, make comments here and there because that's just me. Do these things happen to make us re-think about our existence, to see how precious life really is, to make the most of what we've got, go out on a limb, go for the gold, give it you all, do something crazy, take a chance, live for the moment, do what makes you happy..Because that's what life is about?
Or is it about Karma, justice, ends greater than the means like here? What if this would have happened to an elderly person who was a huge part of the community, or a straight A student who was a goody two shoes..would it be life is full or irony, paradoxes, and jokes? "There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke."
Alright, so here we go again, Lowell has yet again come face to face with some "tragic" happening, whether it be molestation or in this case a death, the views and opinions of a town alter so dramatically....
So the other night three Lowell students were in a car accident, they had just dropped off the fourth moments prior, so it could have been 4 and the death count could have raised, but in any event, everyone was involved with the accident, just the three in the car more relatively, and all three "survived"...of course though two in life one in death, funny how the same word can be made out to mean two opposite things if purswayed the right way...
But I stand on the other side of the road opposite those morning, standing firm on grounds and beliefs that no "accident" could change, so be it.
From one view, yeah we got three youths involved in a tragic car accident involving just themselves, one of the passengers lost their life, the other two were rushed to the hospital with injuries. Sounds like it is something bad, maybe it is, then again maybe it isn't....
There are no "good" words any paper can publish about this occurrence, they weren't great sports players, involved with extra-curricular activities, earned good grades..But even if they were, does that justify anything...
Let's spotlight the driver for a second...Now I went past the whole wreck scene, from dropping off the fourth student to where the car met it's fate, and I tell you, it's not a nice thought that comes to my mind....The car was reported doing anywhere from 65 to 85...that alone is problem A. Let's add in the fact that it is a hilly, barely 2 laned back road, problem B. The snow made any road driving treacherous, hell, route 2 and nine mile were bitches to drive on, let alone this backroad, problem 3. Oh, and the distance it was from the dropping off to the accident where the car stopped, yeah not very far, any excess of speed was done deliberately, problem 4. And why would a 17 year old believe he could even undertake such extreme weather conditions like it has been the past couple of days, how long has he been driving, it may have been his first winter for all we know, problem 5....Oh and let's not forget to mention he was driving with a suspended license, for three months (maybe I see it as poetic justice, three months and three victims...) problem 6. And I'll just wrap this up with good ol problem 7, these kids were notorious for alcohol and drug abuse and according to sources were very likely under the influence of something at the time. (regardless if they weren't, they still are notorious for it, so again we see a problem..)
Tragedy, depends on how you look at it, what spin the media puts on it, and for some reason I'll always be on that other side getting a different look at it, keeping everything in realty, in perspective, keeping everything level, and still seeing the lighter sides of things....
It's funny when things like this happens, seems to put everyone in their place, mostly (and this is from something/someone close to home...) those who joked around about death before, those who said, "god I just want to die, life sucks, to hell with this all...." etc. Of course I'm not talking about myself, like I said before my opinions don't change on a whims like that. I can still joke about death, drive like an ass in this weather, make comments here and there because that's just me. Do these things happen to make us re-think about our existence, to see how precious life really is, to make the most of what we've got, go out on a limb, go for the gold, give it you all, do something crazy, take a chance, live for the moment, do what makes you happy..Because that's what life is about?
Or is it about Karma, justice, ends greater than the means like here? What if this would have happened to an elderly person who was a huge part of the community, or a straight A student who was a goody two shoes..would it be life is full or irony, paradoxes, and jokes? "There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke."
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Brilliant Idea Number 235.....
Alright, on our trip up to Unique, the Mall, and wherever else yesterday, Dewes and I had ourselves one lively little conversation, and it all started when we got onto I-65 passing the now closed, adult bookstore, aka the Lion's Den.
So I came up with the idea, since all these people are against it and such, something came up about religion, and so I said, "well, let them have a little battle, open them up side by side and whomever has the most sales in one year gets to stay open, no questions asked, the loser closes never to return..." Dewes thought it was brilliant, and yeah, it sounds pretty good something like "split the bike in two, and the the true lover of the bike would say no, you take the bike, I want to see it whole, and then they get the bike because they demonstrated the love for it"..... Well something similar to that....
But yeah, it would be such a religious stage I would crap myself....think about it, on one end you would have all the sinners at the adult bookstore, and the other end, all those going to heaven...heck, we could even name the stores "heaven" and "hell"...have them joined side by side....Though as to not confuse the sinners of buying the wrong movie and wondering when "the Mary Magdalene chick is going to fuck the Jesus dude", we would have to have some sort of gap in between them..And then I thought naturally of purgatory...A guy enters with his wife and friends..His friends go to Hell while his wife goes to Heaven, he doesn't want to upset anyone so he just sits around and waits in Purgatory....From there it became a coffee shop and renamed "Perkatory"....
Then I thought, though this sounds all great, it's still missing something, or something is flawed....And then I knew, it was the design of it all...Right next to Hell is I-65, so there is the highway to hell, but where is the stairway, so it must be that Heaven be no on the side of Hell, but above it! And of course in between you could still have Purgatory, that would have an elevator or escalator..and hen hell could de subdivided into seven rooms, the last being the coldest..And maybe outside have some "rivers" around the place....Hell, I think that would be an attraction alone to put Lowell on the map....
Alright, enough babble, I'm too crazy for this....
Alright, on our trip up to Unique, the Mall, and wherever else yesterday, Dewes and I had ourselves one lively little conversation, and it all started when we got onto I-65 passing the now closed, adult bookstore, aka the Lion's Den.
So I came up with the idea, since all these people are against it and such, something came up about religion, and so I said, "well, let them have a little battle, open them up side by side and whomever has the most sales in one year gets to stay open, no questions asked, the loser closes never to return..." Dewes thought it was brilliant, and yeah, it sounds pretty good something like "split the bike in two, and the the true lover of the bike would say no, you take the bike, I want to see it whole, and then they get the bike because they demonstrated the love for it"..... Well something similar to that....
But yeah, it would be such a religious stage I would crap myself....think about it, on one end you would have all the sinners at the adult bookstore, and the other end, all those going to heaven...heck, we could even name the stores "heaven" and "hell"...have them joined side by side....Though as to not confuse the sinners of buying the wrong movie and wondering when "the Mary Magdalene chick is going to fuck the Jesus dude", we would have to have some sort of gap in between them..And then I thought naturally of purgatory...A guy enters with his wife and friends..His friends go to Hell while his wife goes to Heaven, he doesn't want to upset anyone so he just sits around and waits in Purgatory....From there it became a coffee shop and renamed "Perkatory"....
Then I thought, though this sounds all great, it's still missing something, or something is flawed....And then I knew, it was the design of it all...Right next to Hell is I-65, so there is the highway to hell, but where is the stairway, so it must be that Heaven be no on the side of Hell, but above it! And of course in between you could still have Purgatory, that would have an elevator or escalator..and hen hell could de subdivided into seven rooms, the last being the coldest..And maybe outside have some "rivers" around the place....Hell, I think that would be an attraction alone to put Lowell on the map....
Alright, enough babble, I'm too crazy for this....
Hoodies....
Alright, well this is a recent fashion change..well not so much fashion change, I've worn hoodies before..But here we go, most recently, like every day, I've been wearing something with a hood, whether it be a hoody or a light jacket with a hood..Something, anything....And I wear it and I like it. When I get antisocial and don't want to talk to the world, put up the hood, and when all defenses go up, so does the zipper....I suppose it has been more apparent at target then elsewhere...
example: as I was leaving yesterday, Kris called me into the office right by the time clock where I was punching out, he said, "hey Jason could you come here for a sec.." I leaned into the doorway and my response was I kid you not, "can't you see the "ta hell wit the world" hood is up?" and walked out...Yeah that was fun..I suppose that shity comment was for the better, lord only knows what I would have said had I actually sat down...There was a lot of shit about target bothering me..So yeah, for the better....
so if the hood is up, leave me be, you'll most likely get the finger..Or I'll let it all build up in some crazed wordy explosion where you won't know what just hit you..Though nobody ever sees me anyways, so ta da....
Alright, well this is a recent fashion change..well not so much fashion change, I've worn hoodies before..But here we go, most recently, like every day, I've been wearing something with a hood, whether it be a hoody or a light jacket with a hood..Something, anything....And I wear it and I like it. When I get antisocial and don't want to talk to the world, put up the hood, and when all defenses go up, so does the zipper....I suppose it has been more apparent at target then elsewhere...
example: as I was leaving yesterday, Kris called me into the office right by the time clock where I was punching out, he said, "hey Jason could you come here for a sec.." I leaned into the doorway and my response was I kid you not, "can't you see the "ta hell wit the world" hood is up?" and walked out...Yeah that was fun..I suppose that shity comment was for the better, lord only knows what I would have said had I actually sat down...There was a lot of shit about target bothering me..So yeah, for the better....
so if the hood is up, leave me be, you'll most likely get the finger..Or I'll let it all build up in some crazed wordy explosion where you won't know what just hit you..Though nobody ever sees me anyways, so ta da....
The System is Down, Yo...
Well I thought I was just stupid or something..but the commenting system, though it appears to be running, isn't working properly...you click to make the comment, and when you go to post, all hell breaks loose..so yeah, I thought people stopped reading or caring, and maybe they did, but for now I'll use the escape goat that the commenting systems are down...I don't suck, well yeah I guess I do...wait no, as a brilliant person once said in response to me sucking, "no no, I suck you lick..." haha yeah, gets me every time....
Well I thought I was just stupid or something..but the commenting system, though it appears to be running, isn't working properly...you click to make the comment, and when you go to post, all hell breaks loose..so yeah, I thought people stopped reading or caring, and maybe they did, but for now I'll use the escape goat that the commenting systems are down...I don't suck, well yeah I guess I do...wait no, as a brilliant person once said in response to me sucking, "no no, I suck you lick..." haha yeah, gets me every time....
Monday, January 26, 2004
Well Jeez...
Alright, so I had things on my mind last night at work..things worth posting about, things I wanted to tell about, something, not nothing...like how I said I was going to post only worthwhile garble on here, well it was fitting with it..
so here is a worthless post, just to fill in the dead air with some weight, nothing actually filling, a massless weight or something like that..a point, because points don't exist, but there is not point to this post, other than the fact to tell you that I had something, but since I don't have it now I won't post..which goes against what I am doing right here right now..Anyways...
the strong bad emails have been good as of late, they're actually updating, very good, January is slow anywho..I especially liked the email about the games..The text based game...wonderingwhy you can't get ye flask..Brilliant, I was laughing in hysterics because it was soo true....
so it snowed here, a little, noting like it did down south, or so I was told...the weather is nice though, not too cold, only with the wind, but it is good outside weather..the snow isn't packable, but then again who do I have snowballs to throw at..I suppose stationary objects like a tree, but that gets old, quickly...I need to buy a snow scrappy thing, my last one broke..It was nice too, I guess not that good though, it broke.. Oh well such is life....
my schedule is getting a little crazy, less days and less hours at target..and as for the promotional opportunity..Well they basically said it's not for me, I'm not ready for it yet, I'm "too well liked by everyone" ta hell wit them I say, ta hell wit them.....
yeah "to hell with it/them/whatever" is one of my new phrases, I've been saying it a lot actually, ta hell wit it, I just like the way it rolls off my tongue showing no sympathy/compassion/ or care for anything in the world, kinda like fuck it all, but not as angry...
yeah, so that is that..my car is running for some odd reason, so I think I'll hop in it and see where it takes me...
don't bother to understand it, just to hell with it all.....
Alright, so I had things on my mind last night at work..things worth posting about, things I wanted to tell about, something, not nothing...like how I said I was going to post only worthwhile garble on here, well it was fitting with it..
so here is a worthless post, just to fill in the dead air with some weight, nothing actually filling, a massless weight or something like that..a point, because points don't exist, but there is not point to this post, other than the fact to tell you that I had something, but since I don't have it now I won't post..which goes against what I am doing right here right now..Anyways...
the strong bad emails have been good as of late, they're actually updating, very good, January is slow anywho..I especially liked the email about the games..The text based game...wonderingwhy you can't get ye flask..Brilliant, I was laughing in hysterics because it was soo true....
so it snowed here, a little, noting like it did down south, or so I was told...the weather is nice though, not too cold, only with the wind, but it is good outside weather..the snow isn't packable, but then again who do I have snowballs to throw at..I suppose stationary objects like a tree, but that gets old, quickly...I need to buy a snow scrappy thing, my last one broke..It was nice too, I guess not that good though, it broke.. Oh well such is life....
my schedule is getting a little crazy, less days and less hours at target..and as for the promotional opportunity..Well they basically said it's not for me, I'm not ready for it yet, I'm "too well liked by everyone" ta hell wit them I say, ta hell wit them.....
yeah "to hell with it/them/whatever" is one of my new phrases, I've been saying it a lot actually, ta hell wit it, I just like the way it rolls off my tongue showing no sympathy/compassion/ or care for anything in the world, kinda like fuck it all, but not as angry...
yeah, so that is that..my car is running for some odd reason, so I think I'll hop in it and see where it takes me...
don't bother to understand it, just to hell with it all.....
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Yay!!!
So this makes me happy...Chris Ann yeah, way to go Strong Bad for selecting a hometown favorite from good ol MI
So this makes me happy...Chris Ann yeah, way to go Strong Bad for selecting a hometown favorite from good ol MI
A Day of Rest...
Well today is a day of rest, it doesn't exist right now, or so it seems. Yesterday felt like Sunday (well today) and since it is now Sunday (rather today) it's like some spatio-time gap needed to get back on track I suppose.
Well the weekend was very eventful and I had a great time, and it may have seemed long but it definitely ended too soon. I'm sure the shortness could be attributed to my tardiness, yeah damn me showing up a couple hours late..I know I know..traveling alarm clock, I'm a fuck what can I say...
so yeah I arrived 2 hours late in Muncie, picked up Brooke and we headed to Vince's. It was probably late when we showed up in Terre haute, I'm not sure, my time frame of reference goes crazy once I get on the road and travel through time zones...but they seemed liked they were dressed for bed, but despite that and us interrupting them watching a movie, they got dressed and took us to the 24 Hour SuperK. Vince was really happy about it, yeah it was very clean I'll give it that, and yeah, they had produce..We had our fun there for a bit and headed back. We all grew weary and decided to call it a night and set up camp....Well just as I finally got settles, the cover situation was resolved, who got what and how much of this and that (I only got one pillow, but I dealt with it....)as soon as we all got settled I blurted out, "I'm hungry". yeah I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep if I didn't get some food for the simple fact it would have been 24 hours since I ate last, what with the sleeping and traveling. Brooke concurred with my hungerness but didn't feel like getting up and going out anywhere..So we looked through the pile of papers on the floor for coupons or something with food, delivery, and phone numbers. Well we found some pizza places, but then the problem came of, "where the hell are we anyways.." luckily we found an AOL disc with an address..The world started coming around, but then we called the places..all seemed to be going in our favor...finding random advertisements for food and delivery, finding the address..But I called the first place, after many rings the answering machine picked up. Damn..The next place Dominos, I remembered them being open really late when I was in Terre Haute for Hoosier Boys State (god that was along time ago...) They answered, only to say they were closed...So the last place was Papa Johns, and after having two failed attempts it seemed pointless to try the third, but I am a persistent bitch and just wanted to humor myself...I called and BAM they were open...So the highlight of my night (and probably weekend) was finally getting food, delivered to us, in the middle of the night, eating it with Brooke, all while watching (and making fun of) the "Split End-er" Infomercial..ahh good times.
Saturday we slept in til 1030 or so, only getting up due to some phone calls. We started our day off right with the cooking of Elizabeth, she made some potatoe skins and they were very good. After that we had a rockin' jam session (as Vince said, a form of payment for their hospitality..) the jam session was actually something. Vince on the steal guitar in G-tuning, Elizabeth on Bass, Brooke on the electric Ric, and myself on the acoustic Gibson. We played "All Along the Watchtower" and "You Ain't Going Nowhere" and I did my rendition of "Runaway". All in all it was a good time. And riding that high we took a trip to the cemetery just down the road. We were checking out some things we read in Elizabeth's Haunted Book. That was fun, maybe the highlight of that day, we saw some cool mausoleums and such, and we are making plans to go back..at night...hoping the fence...yeah....Then it was to the small and wondrous guitar store. This place has many many guitars, more than guitar center (they even have Rics for Vince) and yet is very very small. See don't let size fool you...That was fun, and from there we went to another music store, but they also didn't have juice harps, oh well. Then to the mall, to get us some pretzels, yeah a trip to the mall for pretzels go figure, but that's life in Terre Haute so you go figure..yeah!
Well, that was pretty much the wrap-up of that day..We got back, lounged around and then it was time for Brooke and I to leave, and so we did....of course I wasn't paying attention as I got onto I-70 and soon found myself going West...yeah, into Terre Haute, so I turned around and all was well. Brooke needed to go grocery shopping..actually the main reason why I went down right, so we stopped at Meijer and god was it fun. I love grocery shopping, though it's always performed by myself, I guess that's alright, but this time it was with Brooke, yeah..We had a good time..come to think of it, it was almost a year ago the last time we went grocery shopping at that meijer, huh...After that was a quick stop at Wendy's. and then that was the end of the evening for us. I took her back, carried her groceries upstairs to her room..We said our goodbyes and yeah, I left.
the ride home was short, but still long.. a few well placed incoming phone calls kept me from squirming around and my eyes open and awake. I crashed, bad choice of words, I fell asleep instantly back here...I think all the driving wore me out, and I slept for a lengthy period of time...but today doesn't feel like today, and in fact it all seems worthless being here, being alone, time and circumstances suck, and I'm here, still....
Well today is a day of rest, it doesn't exist right now, or so it seems. Yesterday felt like Sunday (well today) and since it is now Sunday (rather today) it's like some spatio-time gap needed to get back on track I suppose.
Well the weekend was very eventful and I had a great time, and it may have seemed long but it definitely ended too soon. I'm sure the shortness could be attributed to my tardiness, yeah damn me showing up a couple hours late..I know I know..traveling alarm clock, I'm a fuck what can I say...
so yeah I arrived 2 hours late in Muncie, picked up Brooke and we headed to Vince's. It was probably late when we showed up in Terre haute, I'm not sure, my time frame of reference goes crazy once I get on the road and travel through time zones...but they seemed liked they were dressed for bed, but despite that and us interrupting them watching a movie, they got dressed and took us to the 24 Hour SuperK. Vince was really happy about it, yeah it was very clean I'll give it that, and yeah, they had produce..We had our fun there for a bit and headed back. We all grew weary and decided to call it a night and set up camp....Well just as I finally got settles, the cover situation was resolved, who got what and how much of this and that (I only got one pillow, but I dealt with it....)as soon as we all got settled I blurted out, "I'm hungry". yeah I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep if I didn't get some food for the simple fact it would have been 24 hours since I ate last, what with the sleeping and traveling. Brooke concurred with my hungerness but didn't feel like getting up and going out anywhere..So we looked through the pile of papers on the floor for coupons or something with food, delivery, and phone numbers. Well we found some pizza places, but then the problem came of, "where the hell are we anyways.." luckily we found an AOL disc with an address..The world started coming around, but then we called the places..all seemed to be going in our favor...finding random advertisements for food and delivery, finding the address..But I called the first place, after many rings the answering machine picked up. Damn..The next place Dominos, I remembered them being open really late when I was in Terre Haute for Hoosier Boys State (god that was along time ago...) They answered, only to say they were closed...So the last place was Papa Johns, and after having two failed attempts it seemed pointless to try the third, but I am a persistent bitch and just wanted to humor myself...I called and BAM they were open...So the highlight of my night (and probably weekend) was finally getting food, delivered to us, in the middle of the night, eating it with Brooke, all while watching (and making fun of) the "Split End-er" Infomercial..ahh good times.
Saturday we slept in til 1030 or so, only getting up due to some phone calls. We started our day off right with the cooking of Elizabeth, she made some potatoe skins and they were very good. After that we had a rockin' jam session (as Vince said, a form of payment for their hospitality..) the jam session was actually something. Vince on the steal guitar in G-tuning, Elizabeth on Bass, Brooke on the electric Ric, and myself on the acoustic Gibson. We played "All Along the Watchtower" and "You Ain't Going Nowhere" and I did my rendition of "Runaway". All in all it was a good time. And riding that high we took a trip to the cemetery just down the road. We were checking out some things we read in Elizabeth's Haunted Book. That was fun, maybe the highlight of that day, we saw some cool mausoleums and such, and we are making plans to go back..at night...hoping the fence...yeah....Then it was to the small and wondrous guitar store. This place has many many guitars, more than guitar center (they even have Rics for Vince) and yet is very very small. See don't let size fool you...That was fun, and from there we went to another music store, but they also didn't have juice harps, oh well. Then to the mall, to get us some pretzels, yeah a trip to the mall for pretzels go figure, but that's life in Terre Haute so you go figure..yeah!
Well, that was pretty much the wrap-up of that day..We got back, lounged around and then it was time for Brooke and I to leave, and so we did....of course I wasn't paying attention as I got onto I-70 and soon found myself going West...yeah, into Terre Haute, so I turned around and all was well. Brooke needed to go grocery shopping..actually the main reason why I went down right, so we stopped at Meijer and god was it fun. I love grocery shopping, though it's always performed by myself, I guess that's alright, but this time it was with Brooke, yeah..We had a good time..come to think of it, it was almost a year ago the last time we went grocery shopping at that meijer, huh...After that was a quick stop at Wendy's. and then that was the end of the evening for us. I took her back, carried her groceries upstairs to her room..We said our goodbyes and yeah, I left.
the ride home was short, but still long.. a few well placed incoming phone calls kept me from squirming around and my eyes open and awake. I crashed, bad choice of words, I fell asleep instantly back here...I think all the driving wore me out, and I slept for a lengthy period of time...but today doesn't feel like today, and in fact it all seems worthless being here, being alone, time and circumstances suck, and I'm here, still....
Take it For What It's Worth...
Nothing More You Fool....
Alright, I guess it's my fault, but I returned to the computer here and had a barrage of messages..people asking where I am, why has the away message been up and not changed for 24+hours, why has the blog not been updated, this and that. After reading all that I realized, yeah, I guess I kinda did just leave this thing going, oh well...As for updating, yeah, I had intentions to update, I mean there were things I wanted to write about, but I was running out of time, last week was pretty hectic, and I don't know if this week will be any better..then I also came to grips with the blog is evil, it never serves the purpose it should, only does harm, and I don't know what else to say, I'm hoping to post less, not once a day, maybe a couple times a week, maybe eventually phasing out of this thing and just keeping something similiar as a record for my eyes only..yeah to hell with everything right?
so we'll just have to see how things pan out, I hate how things are now anyways, I don't like the layout of this blog, it was never supposed to look like this to begin with, lord only knows how it became this craptastic plain white...so if I update, there it is, if I don't, there it be...
Nothing More You Fool....
Alright, I guess it's my fault, but I returned to the computer here and had a barrage of messages..people asking where I am, why has the away message been up and not changed for 24+hours, why has the blog not been updated, this and that. After reading all that I realized, yeah, I guess I kinda did just leave this thing going, oh well...As for updating, yeah, I had intentions to update, I mean there were things I wanted to write about, but I was running out of time, last week was pretty hectic, and I don't know if this week will be any better..then I also came to grips with the blog is evil, it never serves the purpose it should, only does harm, and I don't know what else to say, I'm hoping to post less, not once a day, maybe a couple times a week, maybe eventually phasing out of this thing and just keeping something similiar as a record for my eyes only..yeah to hell with everything right?
so we'll just have to see how things pan out, I hate how things are now anyways, I don't like the layout of this blog, it was never supposed to look like this to begin with, lord only knows how it became this craptastic plain white...so if I update, there it is, if I don't, there it be...
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Weekend at Zach's...
Long Awaited.....
So as it says, this trip (and post) was long awaited..Haven't been to Zach's since early November...We all remember that trip the crazy one where somehow we made it out alive...But we only stayed for a couple hours in the late bit of the night. So finally, after many hours of begging and pleading over weeks and weeks, come the new year comes Jason to Lafayette. And now I shall post about it....Though since this came days later, lord knows I'm leaving out all those little details that I would have originally put in....
So Friday night made the journey down, was kinda afraid at first, seeing nothing but cops all day, and even getting pulled over for them "not being able to see my sticker" aka white boy in upper Gary in nice car, get him! But I made it down and all was well. And even though "nothing" was done, or not a whole lot, least not to blog about, a lot was accomplished over the weekend...We ate at El Rodeo (oh shit, I forgot my take home box in the fridge, oh hell..Save it and I'll come get it Friday, he he..) and then we spent the rest of the evening at some guy's house, typical college apartment..zach and I fused ideas for things that we would love to work on together sometime....
Saturday..saturday..that was basically a count down til 7, no joke....Zach and I did nothing, we had our asses planted on the couch for several hours, with an occasional firing of BB Rifle (oh, which the night prior I was making incredible shots, one handed, sideways ghetto style, behind the back, etc..) we talked and talked, it was great..So I guess after all that and the bicker of what I should wear, 7 finally came up on us, actually it was after 7 and we were supposed to be at "the Village Coffee House Shack Club Place..Yeah" as the arranged meeting time and place for her....one of like 3 persons who actually subscribed to my Xanga... Anyways I was late, it was kinda screwed up by that, I starting talking to the wrong girl, she wasn't reading Dostoevsky so dead clue it wasn't Heidi...Anyways, we eventually did meet up, and to our delight, she wasn't a 300 pound one armed freak. We talked, walked to the Taco Bell with a fireplace in it, and after much indecisiveness, went to Denny's...
Zach laid into her with his constant bashings, it really didn't phase her, I didn't think it would, for some reason I knew she would stand to the testings of Zach...She finally made it into Zach's good book scoring some bonus points for certain answers to his many questions..All in all she seemed like a cool person to hang out with (hell she sang Dylan with me in my car as we drove around), but I don't know if she was shy, intimidated, tired, or what the deal was..Her writtings (ramblings) are brilliant and I enjoy the crap out of them...but she mostly kept to herself that night, brilliance was there when it needed to be, but something just seemed out of place..hmmmm...At Zach's we played Scategories and Heidi and I tied..but of course, in a clinching final death-esque tie breaker, I choked, she won, what could I do...I couldn't even name Target as a store starting with T..what a loser...
well we finished the night at her apartment meeting the Jewish roomie (ironically enough named Noah, what's that, like 12 on my tally....) which went on well into Sunday morn'. We opened the sealed "being John Malkovich-esque" door near her computer to find a little room with junk in it, that was exciting. Later we played Monopoly and again she won..everyone else got their asses handed to them. "fuck Illinois, fuck Indiana, fuck those fucking hotels"..as I roamed around the board a propertyless bastard...I got a kick out of seeing her room (for more than one reason, (rabbit?)) We looked through her CD's, saw the giant Dylan poster on the wall, signed her closet ceiling, looked through her books (she owns "Hammer of the Gods"..) it was nice to get that extra feel for her from seeing her room, though it really didn't lead me for a deeper analysis of her, I mean this was all I knew already, just maybe at a heightened level....
So there ended that night and Sunday came..and good goff did it leave quickly....We watched TV and looked at the clock, it was already 5pm. I decided I "had" to get going, though as I posted before, I really didn't want to go, it was great...being with Zach, being able to connect on that level again, making digs and shots that Zach hasn't got in awhile, being able to put him in place so to speak, but doing it in a loving way. Man wouldn't that be the life..seriously......
Long Awaited.....
So as it says, this trip (and post) was long awaited..Haven't been to Zach's since early November...We all remember that trip the crazy one where somehow we made it out alive...But we only stayed for a couple hours in the late bit of the night. So finally, after many hours of begging and pleading over weeks and weeks, come the new year comes Jason to Lafayette. And now I shall post about it....Though since this came days later, lord knows I'm leaving out all those little details that I would have originally put in....
So Friday night made the journey down, was kinda afraid at first, seeing nothing but cops all day, and even getting pulled over for them "not being able to see my sticker" aka white boy in upper Gary in nice car, get him! But I made it down and all was well. And even though "nothing" was done, or not a whole lot, least not to blog about, a lot was accomplished over the weekend...We ate at El Rodeo (oh shit, I forgot my take home box in the fridge, oh hell..Save it and I'll come get it Friday, he he..) and then we spent the rest of the evening at some guy's house, typical college apartment..zach and I fused ideas for things that we would love to work on together sometime....
Saturday..saturday..that was basically a count down til 7, no joke....Zach and I did nothing, we had our asses planted on the couch for several hours, with an occasional firing of BB Rifle (oh, which the night prior I was making incredible shots, one handed, sideways ghetto style, behind the back, etc..) we talked and talked, it was great..So I guess after all that and the bicker of what I should wear, 7 finally came up on us, actually it was after 7 and we were supposed to be at "the Village Coffee House Shack Club Place..Yeah" as the arranged meeting time and place for her....one of like 3 persons who actually subscribed to my Xanga... Anyways I was late, it was kinda screwed up by that, I starting talking to the wrong girl, she wasn't reading Dostoevsky so dead clue it wasn't Heidi...Anyways, we eventually did meet up, and to our delight, she wasn't a 300 pound one armed freak. We talked, walked to the Taco Bell with a fireplace in it, and after much indecisiveness, went to Denny's...
Zach laid into her with his constant bashings, it really didn't phase her, I didn't think it would, for some reason I knew she would stand to the testings of Zach...She finally made it into Zach's good book scoring some bonus points for certain answers to his many questions..All in all she seemed like a cool person to hang out with (hell she sang Dylan with me in my car as we drove around), but I don't know if she was shy, intimidated, tired, or what the deal was..Her writtings (ramblings) are brilliant and I enjoy the crap out of them...but she mostly kept to herself that night, brilliance was there when it needed to be, but something just seemed out of place..hmmmm...At Zach's we played Scategories and Heidi and I tied..but of course, in a clinching final death-esque tie breaker, I choked, she won, what could I do...I couldn't even name Target as a store starting with T..what a loser...
well we finished the night at her apartment meeting the Jewish roomie (ironically enough named Noah, what's that, like 12 on my tally....) which went on well into Sunday morn'. We opened the sealed "being John Malkovich-esque" door near her computer to find a little room with junk in it, that was exciting. Later we played Monopoly and again she won..everyone else got their asses handed to them. "fuck Illinois, fuck Indiana, fuck those fucking hotels"..as I roamed around the board a propertyless bastard...I got a kick out of seeing her room (for more than one reason, (rabbit?)) We looked through her CD's, saw the giant Dylan poster on the wall, signed her closet ceiling, looked through her books (she owns "Hammer of the Gods"..) it was nice to get that extra feel for her from seeing her room, though it really didn't lead me for a deeper analysis of her, I mean this was all I knew already, just maybe at a heightened level....
So there ended that night and Sunday came..and good goff did it leave quickly....We watched TV and looked at the clock, it was already 5pm. I decided I "had" to get going, though as I posted before, I really didn't want to go, it was great...being with Zach, being able to connect on that level again, making digs and shots that Zach hasn't got in awhile, being able to put him in place so to speak, but doing it in a loving way. Man wouldn't that be the life..seriously......
Childish Quotes....
Sitting with a group of social degenerates..well at least as far as I can see, people are talking as we are in the room and such, and I'm in the corner area, of course there's two people by me and they are chatting away with me in between..I would be brought into the conversation and say something every now and then...but this got me...
Person1: So Jason, how many kids do you have?
Jason: (grabs his attention) ughh, none, I'm 20
**sidenote..as I said that last part, I realized what a mistake it was, damn me for thinking...**
Person 1: Well I'm 19 and I got myself a kid...
Now, besides for the obvious reasons why that is funny, I think it was my realization that I'm now not exempt from having kids, I've reached that age, though I may look 16, I'm there....As I said it, and heard it come from my lips, I did my best to mutter the rest of it out, but I knew that I was in a room with "young" girls/women (I suppose they can officially be called women now since they did endure childbirth...), they had a child, and have a child to look out for, another mouth to feed, all that, and they are realivitly in my age range...thinking, damn I could be a father (of course that would mean the surgery went well to boot)..Now 'm not saying I want or wish to be a father now, good goff no, I can barely care for myself let alone another, granted they may be smaller but like pets require more care right? (I just equated children to pets, I'm burning at the stake for that one...) And of course is the obvious, "Jason should not spread his demon seed", not only has that been said to me by numerous peoples (even those dear to me..) I've certainly said it, last thing we need inthis world is another me, another whatever..Something with my chemical imbalances, yeah...go figure on that one....
Sitting with a group of social degenerates..well at least as far as I can see, people are talking as we are in the room and such, and I'm in the corner area, of course there's two people by me and they are chatting away with me in between..I would be brought into the conversation and say something every now and then...but this got me...
Person1: So Jason, how many kids do you have?
Jason: (grabs his attention) ughh, none, I'm 20
**sidenote..as I said that last part, I realized what a mistake it was, damn me for thinking...**
Person 1: Well I'm 19 and I got myself a kid...
Now, besides for the obvious reasons why that is funny, I think it was my realization that I'm now not exempt from having kids, I've reached that age, though I may look 16, I'm there....As I said it, and heard it come from my lips, I did my best to mutter the rest of it out, but I knew that I was in a room with "young" girls/women (I suppose they can officially be called women now since they did endure childbirth...), they had a child, and have a child to look out for, another mouth to feed, all that, and they are realivitly in my age range...thinking, damn I could be a father (of course that would mean the surgery went well to boot)..Now 'm not saying I want or wish to be a father now, good goff no, I can barely care for myself let alone another, granted they may be smaller but like pets require more care right? (I just equated children to pets, I'm burning at the stake for that one...) And of course is the obvious, "Jason should not spread his demon seed", not only has that been said to me by numerous peoples (even those dear to me..) I've certainly said it, last thing we need inthis world is another me, another whatever..Something with my chemical imbalances, yeah...go figure on that one....
Monday, January 19, 2004
Fuck This Place...
I'm Back to the Hell that is My Life.....
So as you can tell, I'm a little disgruntled about returning..in fact I didn't want to leave. You know while I was down at Zach's, nothing bothered me....All my troubles were virtually gone, I had a clear conscious, and it wasn't something a contact high could achieve or cause..Those two days (something like that Friday night til Sunday afternoon..) were like a vacation, one of the best I've had in a long while..It's what I needed, it's what I wanted, or should I say it's something I want now, yeah that works...
But as I was saying, I was at zach's..nobody from Lowell called me (ok wait, but that was random and I put the phone on the table because I was eating...) but no calls, no problems, no harassment..Everything was great, living it up at the casa de anarchy....I mean yeah, things did start to get mentioned, but nothing developed, dragged on, brought me down, the topics ended quickly, probably from everyone's ADHD, but still, I was good...
As I came back to Lowell I was disappointed, I didn't want to come back but I had to..I started realizing what I had down there and I started getting angry..But the angry peaked when I got near the 240 exit...I saw Flying J's in the distant and, again, BAM..I was angry..I cursed everything...I fucking hate Lowell, I fucking the truckstops, I fucking hate the memories, I fucking hate 65, I fucking hate it all...I was livid beyond a doubt...That's partly why I fell asleep when arriving in Lowell...My angerness leads to tiredness..plus I wanted to escape the harsh reality I was coming back to..hoping that I would awake and be on my way to work, a place tat can cheer me up, but also has it's bad days..
So what am I getting at....Good Goff, if we only knew..Are these feelings normal..I mean I know in all relationally I would miss this place if I were to leave it, I would have to..I would have to visit, good places, good memories...So is this just a stage, am I made about a worthless life that I am living???What's the deal, do I just fucking want change or just my life to change because it is so terrible?
I'm Back to the Hell that is My Life.....
So as you can tell, I'm a little disgruntled about returning..in fact I didn't want to leave. You know while I was down at Zach's, nothing bothered me....All my troubles were virtually gone, I had a clear conscious, and it wasn't something a contact high could achieve or cause..Those two days (something like that Friday night til Sunday afternoon..) were like a vacation, one of the best I've had in a long while..It's what I needed, it's what I wanted, or should I say it's something I want now, yeah that works...
But as I was saying, I was at zach's..nobody from Lowell called me (ok wait, but that was random and I put the phone on the table because I was eating...) but no calls, no problems, no harassment..Everything was great, living it up at the casa de anarchy....I mean yeah, things did start to get mentioned, but nothing developed, dragged on, brought me down, the topics ended quickly, probably from everyone's ADHD, but still, I was good...
As I came back to Lowell I was disappointed, I didn't want to come back but I had to..I started realizing what I had down there and I started getting angry..But the angry peaked when I got near the 240 exit...I saw Flying J's in the distant and, again, BAM..I was angry..I cursed everything...I fucking hate Lowell, I fucking the truckstops, I fucking hate the memories, I fucking hate 65, I fucking hate it all...I was livid beyond a doubt...That's partly why I fell asleep when arriving in Lowell...My angerness leads to tiredness..plus I wanted to escape the harsh reality I was coming back to..hoping that I would awake and be on my way to work, a place tat can cheer me up, but also has it's bad days..
So what am I getting at....Good Goff, if we only knew..Are these feelings normal..I mean I know in all relationally I would miss this place if I were to leave it, I would have to..I would have to visit, good places, good memories...So is this just a stage, am I made about a worthless life that I am living???What's the deal, do I just fucking want change or just my life to change because it is so terrible?
Order This Is Out Of ....
Only Here....
Alrighty, I'm making my posts about the weekend and all it's events, well not all, that would be draining on both me the writer and you the reader..plus got to hide that incriminating evidence right??? Anyways, I returned to the Northwest Indiana region yesterday and told myself I needed sleep..Actually the funny thing is, I was fine in Lafayette, come back and, oh, I'm tired..let's sleep life away....Anyways, partly my point, but the one I was actually going for was this: I come back and start having fucked up dreams again...while I was at Zach's, no dreams...or if I did, they were good, nothing bothered me....soon as I get into Lowell, lay my head down, BAM, like a ton of bricks I'm crushed yet again with these fucked up dreams....Damn this place.....
Only Here....
Alrighty, I'm making my posts about the weekend and all it's events, well not all, that would be draining on both me the writer and you the reader..plus got to hide that incriminating evidence right??? Anyways, I returned to the Northwest Indiana region yesterday and told myself I needed sleep..Actually the funny thing is, I was fine in Lafayette, come back and, oh, I'm tired..let's sleep life away....Anyways, partly my point, but the one I was actually going for was this: I come back and start having fucked up dreams again...while I was at Zach's, no dreams...or if I did, they were good, nothing bothered me....soon as I get into Lowell, lay my head down, BAM, like a ton of bricks I'm crushed yet again with these fucked up dreams....Damn this place.....
Friday, January 16, 2004
Deep Random Thought.....
If I were to make a band...I would like to make a Ska punk group, and our name could be "Brass Tactics"...though I'm sure it had to be done by now...So if there is this so called band, I want to hear them, but all their CD's because they might actually have some brilliance to their work (yeah, unlike most ska/punk groups, he he...)
If I were to make a band...I would like to make a Ska punk group, and our name could be "Brass Tactics"...though I'm sure it had to be done by now...So if there is this so called band, I want to hear them, but all their CD's because they might actually have some brilliance to their work (yeah, unlike most ska/punk groups, he he...)
It's Nearing...
Well the weekend is here, and I've been running around like crazy these past hours, much like the past couple days..I haven't slept yet, and won't get a chance to either, I'm heading down to Zach's around 4ish, or so he wants me to..I'll take my time though, give him a chance to clean up....Though this trip I will be taking alone, no biggie, people back out of plans, others are indecisive, others don't want anything to do with you, whatever category you fit into (and believe me, everyone has their own) you should feel ashamed....Well maybe it's for the better, it's just zach and I, "and then there were two..", well, actually, if it's just Zach and I, it would then be one, yeah, Zach and I are one, so that would leave only one, we're brothers, whatever, you get my point...with a lot of commas to boot...So it's a couple days I'll be gone, no posts, so til then.....
P.S. Not only do I have this Friday and Saturday off, but next weekend, and the weekend after that as well..hell yes three in a row!!! Three trips to random places, got to love that....
Well the weekend is here, and I've been running around like crazy these past hours, much like the past couple days..I haven't slept yet, and won't get a chance to either, I'm heading down to Zach's around 4ish, or so he wants me to..I'll take my time though, give him a chance to clean up....Though this trip I will be taking alone, no biggie, people back out of plans, others are indecisive, others don't want anything to do with you, whatever category you fit into (and believe me, everyone has their own) you should feel ashamed....Well maybe it's for the better, it's just zach and I, "and then there were two..", well, actually, if it's just Zach and I, it would then be one, yeah, Zach and I are one, so that would leave only one, we're brothers, whatever, you get my point...with a lot of commas to boot...So it's a couple days I'll be gone, no posts, so til then.....
P.S. Not only do I have this Friday and Saturday off, but next weekend, and the weekend after that as well..hell yes three in a row!!! Three trips to random places, got to love that....
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Thankfully The Finale....
Part Three: a three parter in itself
So now I come to a close with this random garbage..oh, and if you start to read this first, for it is the first post you will come onto, please start at the first one and read from there on...Although, unlike most trilogies, you can read these in any order, or just one of them, and still get what I am talking about, nothing is hinged upon the previous post like so many of my moves are made...but then again, if you read in the correct order you will see the full spectrum and new lights will be shed on to what I am saying..Anyways...
Story One: One Fall, or maybe Spring, I want to say fall though...but it could have well been during the summer..oh who knows, it's not important...Anyways, my mother took me camping to Southern Indiana, to tell you the truth I don't understand what her purpose was for any of this, we went camping a lot, when I mean a lot I don't mean to the extreme a lot should be, but it's more than any other person has probably gone camping. But we camped, state parks and the such, and of course we went to caves (again my mother had some thing where she took me to all these different caves, by the age of twelve I was able to tell you every little thing about a damn cave/cavern/hole in the ground/etc....) Well we spent the weekend down South, it was always fun, it was nice to be doing different things..But the point I'm getting at is the car ride home, I didn't know roads froma hole in the ground anything, so I had no idea where I was at or where I was going, never did in life honestly..But we had been having car problems..I remember my grandpa reminding my mother to check the oil or coolant because it was leaking or something, whatever, the car was having it's share of problems...Well the car brokedown and it was the middle of the night, and my mother started to walk to the nearest town...Of course you all know how Indiana roads are...Well somebody picked her up and she came back got me and we went to the nearest town, which was right down the road. The guy brought us to the police station and there we called my grandpa to get us..but those details are al irrelevant, that weird irony of this story lies in what town we happened to breakdown by..yeah we were traveling up good ol 41 and were only a half hour from home...You guessed it, the town we were brought into was in fact Lowell.....
Story Two: I'm deranged some might say, and these flighty thoughts of "if I didn't live here" only prove it more..and it's not just recently I've had these thoughts or similar ones, it's been going on for years..Take this example of weirdness...One day I got to thinking (yeah not a good thing) but what if I were to wake up in a Twilight Zone-esque type world, where my life was different, I was a different person, my friends were different, my life was different, everybody I knew no didn't know me, I was changed all was different..Oh and the timeframe for this idea was my senior year in highschool mind you...So yeah I wake up and the world is different, I must have been watching too much TV or something, but anyways, I thought about things and then called up Brooke and asked, "what's the one thing I could tell you, that only you and I know?" and then of course I went through the scenario..You see, I was so in love with her then that in waking up in the twilight zone world, for me to get my life back to what I once knew it, the first thing on my mind was getting back with her..I mean picture it, you wake up not knowing anything is different, go to give someone a call, and they're like who is this? Now imagine it's your bf/gf....so my answer to this little dilemma, to prove that there was this fourth dimensional parallel wherein we were in fact dating or something like that, I had to tell her something only she (and I in the other world) would know about...I don't ever remember getting a response, most likely I got, "that's a little too fucked up for me" of course those are my words...but you see my point....
Story Three: So if you're online, more than likely you also have some sort of messenger loaded up with it, whether it be ICQ (what is this, 1999?), MSN (yeah if you like talking to freaks who want to see your webcam..), mIRC (now that is old school..), AIM (yeah, most likely..) or Trillion (badass indeed) and you have your buddy list, and on your list there are those contacts you have no idea how they got there, or who they are, what they are doing, or where they arefrom, but they are there, and you won't remove them off. Maybe you once talked to them, or they messaged you first, you added them and that was it, but they are still there, funny huh...Ever see someone get online and wonder what they are doing, what they were doing before they got online, wonder what impulsed them to get online, maybe I just think about you too much, but I just think it's funny to see all these people online...And if you are online as much as me, you start [picking up their habits, like the regulars that are always online, the ones that are always away (normally with lame away messages..) those who are away without away messages, those who don't go idle yet aren't there, the once a dayers, the once a weekers. And you know it's some sort of break when certain people go offline and stay offline (kendall's offline, UofI has break....Courntey has just signed off, Ball State is out...etc...) I wonder what is on their desktops, if they are listening to music, and if so what, on what (preferably winamp lest you be some loser..) what their online habits are, checking mail, read some blogs, nobody is online, away message...I know this sounds weird and stalkerish, but it's the sociology of it all I am intrigued about. People personalize the hell out of their little demon boxes, what with their winamp skins, desktop backgrounds, fonts, colors, everything..it's just really cool to see all that, and know the person, you get more of a feel for them, I don't know..This wasn't a story now was it..hmmm, I'll fix that..
I sit at my computer, hacking up a blog or two, and you come online, I'm aware of this by the cash register noises playing over whatever is enqueued in winamp. I sit idle as I hide behind my away message. You're there, in some sort of way. In a flash and for a split second I can picture you in front of your computer overlooking everyone that is online and I'm overcome with something, some emotion...I want to message you, but know it would just ruin the moment, whatever the moment may consist of I'll be my own undoing and stay put. For that moment you are online, I just sit there, no more hacking, just sitting there contemplating, wondering. You put up an away message, some sort of insight as to how you are for lack of my communication skills. And just as quickly as you appear, you sign offline..and in most cases, it's usually just as I start to type something to you, funny how it spins like that. I wonder....then it's back to all that is unimportant....
Part Three: a three parter in itself
So now I come to a close with this random garbage..oh, and if you start to read this first, for it is the first post you will come onto, please start at the first one and read from there on...Although, unlike most trilogies, you can read these in any order, or just one of them, and still get what I am talking about, nothing is hinged upon the previous post like so many of my moves are made...but then again, if you read in the correct order you will see the full spectrum and new lights will be shed on to what I am saying..Anyways...
Story One: One Fall, or maybe Spring, I want to say fall though...but it could have well been during the summer..oh who knows, it's not important...Anyways, my mother took me camping to Southern Indiana, to tell you the truth I don't understand what her purpose was for any of this, we went camping a lot, when I mean a lot I don't mean to the extreme a lot should be, but it's more than any other person has probably gone camping. But we camped, state parks and the such, and of course we went to caves (again my mother had some thing where she took me to all these different caves, by the age of twelve I was able to tell you every little thing about a damn cave/cavern/hole in the ground/etc....) Well we spent the weekend down South, it was always fun, it was nice to be doing different things..But the point I'm getting at is the car ride home, I didn't know roads from
Story Two: I'm deranged some might say, and these flighty thoughts of "if I didn't live here" only prove it more..and it's not just recently I've had these thoughts or similar ones, it's been going on for years..Take this example of weirdness...One day I got to thinking (yeah not a good thing) but what if I were to wake up in a Twilight Zone-esque type world, where my life was different, I was a different person, my friends were different, my life was different, everybody I knew no didn't know me, I was changed all was different..Oh and the timeframe for this idea was my senior year in highschool mind you...So yeah I wake up and the world is different, I must have been watching too much TV or something, but anyways, I thought about things and then called up Brooke and asked, "what's the one thing I could tell you, that only you and I know?" and then of course I went through the scenario..You see, I was so in love with her then that in waking up in the twilight zone world, for me to get my life back to what I once knew it, the first thing on my mind was getting back with her..I mean picture it, you wake up not knowing anything is different, go to give someone a call, and they're like who is this? Now imagine it's your bf/gf....so my answer to this little dilemma, to prove that there was this fourth dimensional parallel wherein we were in fact dating or something like that, I had to tell her something only she (and I in the other world) would know about...I don't ever remember getting a response, most likely I got, "that's a little too fucked up for me" of course those are my words...but you see my point....
Story Three: So if you're online, more than likely you also have some sort of messenger loaded up with it, whether it be ICQ (what is this, 1999?), MSN (yeah if you like talking to freaks who want to see your webcam..), mIRC (now that is old school..), AIM (yeah, most likely..) or Trillion (badass indeed) and you have your buddy list, and on your list there are those contacts you have no idea how they got there, or who they are, what they are doing, or where they arefrom, but they are there, and you won't remove them off. Maybe you once talked to them, or they messaged you first, you added them and that was it, but they are still there, funny huh...Ever see someone get online and wonder what they are doing, what they were doing before they got online, wonder what impulsed them to get online, maybe I just think about you too much, but I just think it's funny to see all these people online...And if you are online as much as me, you start [picking up their habits, like the regulars that are always online, the ones that are always away (normally with lame away messages..) those who are away without away messages, those who don't go idle yet aren't there, the once a dayers, the once a weekers. And you know it's some sort of break when certain people go offline and stay offline (kendall's offline, UofI has break....Courntey has just signed off, Ball State is out...etc...) I wonder what is on their desktops, if they are listening to music, and if so what, on what (preferably winamp lest you be some loser..) what their online habits are, checking mail, read some blogs, nobody is online, away message...I know this sounds weird and stalkerish, but it's the sociology of it all I am intrigued about. People personalize the hell out of their little demon boxes, what with their winamp skins, desktop backgrounds, fonts, colors, everything..it's just really cool to see all that, and know the person, you get more of a feel for them, I don't know..This wasn't a story now was it..hmmm, I'll fix that..
I sit at my computer, hacking up a blog or two, and you come online, I'm aware of this by the cash register noises playing over whatever is enqueued in winamp. I sit idle as I hide behind my away message. You're there, in some sort of way. In a flash and for a split second I can picture you in front of your computer overlooking everyone that is online and I'm overcome with something, some emotion...I want to message you, but know it would just ruin the moment, whatever the moment may consist of I'll be my own undoing and stay put. For that moment you are online, I just sit there, no more hacking, just sitting there contemplating, wondering. You put up an away message, some sort of insight as to how you are for lack of my communication skills. And just as quickly as you appear, you sign offline..and in most cases, it's usually just as I start to type something to you, funny how it spins like that. I wonder....then it's back to all that is unimportant....
Must I Continue...
Part Two
So now that we've established that there are many different lives occurring right around us, in close proximity, with the same problems, same type of townal structure, and so forth, I wonder what their life is like.
to live in their shoes for a day, facing the same problems you do, just in a different setting, with different reactions, different people, maybe different outcomes. See what the difference is, if any, from where they live and what they do compared to your life.
Hell they say everyone has a twin, I would like to meet mine (oh god, that's the dream I had, very very bad.....)
Alright, new tangent, what would your life be like if you lived in a different place (now we're hitting a strong point of my ramble...) I have always thought how my life would be different at point C if at point B something else happened. The foremost thought would be my place of living, when I moved in eighth grade. Yeah, as the story goes, my parents moved out here when I was in seventh grade, but I stayed in and finished out school in Lynwood for the year, only to come to Lowell for eighth grade, grrr. But here's the thing, I almost got off without ever being here, yeah as crazy as that is we weren't supposed to live in Lowell, in fact it was to be Crown Point of all places.
When my parents were house hunting, I was brought along with, I liked houses back then, it was all about the architecture yo. Anyways, they searched in several places, Cedar Lake, Lowell, Crown Point, etc..and they finally found the one they wanted, located in Crown Point. I'm not too certain of the details, but I know there was a bidding war, and in the end it was the carelessness of the Realtor (not to mention an alternative motive for an unintelligent person, aka every Realtor I've met...) that made us lose the house. My parents were very upset (more upset when they found out the Realtor jipped them out of a house) and so they continued looking..they settled (ouch I said settled) on the infamous house in Lowell, 634 Apache.
Now as a Junior, and then again a Senior, and several times since then, I have always wondered what life would have been like if I did end up living in Crown Point. As a junior, all I could think about was my friends, how could I possible find a better group of people that I related with in any other city/town in the world. Even at this stage, they are a great group of peoples, even though they may suck at times, and we kinda have disbanded over the years, at our zenith, we were gods among men, or so we thought..And every now and then, when the stars align just right, we have our glory once again. But try to think of the different outcomes, Pity Party would have never been created, what would I have been doing with my Saturday and Friday nights? Where would I be working, not at Costas for sure, how would my grades be, would I have a girlfriend there? All these questions I put on myself, asking at random times throughout my years.
As a senior with the turmoil the now no longer website caused, I knew this was only possible because I was in Lowell, had I been else where, I, among my colleges, would all be better off. Then of course the scandal of the AP Lit teacher, almost having me disenroll and either be homeschooled or join another if I could, once again, only in Lowell....
Then after my graduation, I figured I was out and gone for good, but that was certainly not the case...If I hadn't lived in Lowell and knew the right people would I have not fought to stay at Michigan (if that's where I would have gone in the first place..) not fought knowing I had two jobs lined up for me, and thus taking some easy way out? And every so often, moreso now than ever, I wonder if I would be living like this if I would have lived somewhere else, would my parents got divorced, would I be a wandering vagabond, or would I still be in college or somewhere else. And then I'll think my life could be no worse off than this no matter where I would have gone, so ten was Lowell my demise, would I have been better off somewhere else, with a different life..in any event, that's not how the cards have been dealt, I lived in Lowell, I'm living with everything now, it was wrote the way it is, so be it...
And then not to leave out, forget, or partially mention...if I didn't live in Lowell, I would have never of met Brooke. That's one that's a reoccurring theme. I think about the small, very slight window of opportunity it took for us to meet. If things would have been slightly altered, we would have never met. Even if I did live in Lowell, had something happened where I moved, or had o go back to Lynwood, we would have never met..had I gone to the Academy like my mother's wish, we would have never met..had I not had the friends that ran cross country like I do, we would have never met. So many variables in our meeting, our relationship that make me wonder sometimes. I still know her, though she has gone meeting different people on some similar occurrences, we still talk..what if I never gave her my heart, how would that change, or would have changed things.....
I think the about the what if's and here's where it gets me.....what if I had gone to Crown Point, and was involved with sports there, such as track and cross country...imagine me, standing there cheering on my fellow bulldog girls (not the legend of the dog faced woman, but you get the point...) I'm cheering them on, and it's a large meet, and Lowell just happens to be one of the teams they are competing agianst..I would never know..what if we were to catch eyes, would they be anything like the first glances of when we met, or would it just be some accidental stare..there she would stand, in one life I would know nothing of her, yet in another looking on she would be the one I gave my heart to, pure chance or something else?
Part Two
So now that we've established that there are many different lives occurring right around us, in close proximity, with the same problems, same type of townal structure, and so forth, I wonder what their life is like.
to live in their shoes for a day, facing the same problems you do, just in a different setting, with different reactions, different people, maybe different outcomes. See what the difference is, if any, from where they live and what they do compared to your life.
Hell they say everyone has a twin, I would like to meet mine (oh god, that's the dream I had, very very bad.....)
Alright, new tangent, what would your life be like if you lived in a different place (now we're hitting a strong point of my ramble...) I have always thought how my life would be different at point C if at point B something else happened. The foremost thought would be my place of living, when I moved in eighth grade. Yeah, as the story goes, my parents moved out here when I was in seventh grade, but I stayed in and finished out school in Lynwood for the year, only to come to Lowell for eighth grade, grrr. But here's the thing, I almost got off without ever being here, yeah as crazy as that is we weren't supposed to live in Lowell, in fact it was to be Crown Point of all places.
When my parents were house hunting, I was brought along with, I liked houses back then, it was all about the architecture yo. Anyways, they searched in several places, Cedar Lake, Lowell, Crown Point, etc..and they finally found the one they wanted, located in Crown Point. I'm not too certain of the details, but I know there was a bidding war, and in the end it was the carelessness of the Realtor (not to mention an alternative motive for an unintelligent person, aka every Realtor I've met...) that made us lose the house. My parents were very upset (more upset when they found out the Realtor jipped them out of a house) and so they continued looking..they settled (ouch I said settled) on the infamous house in Lowell, 634 Apache.
Now as a Junior, and then again a Senior, and several times since then, I have always wondered what life would have been like if I did end up living in Crown Point. As a junior, all I could think about was my friends, how could I possible find a better group of people that I related with in any other city/town in the world. Even at this stage, they are a great group of peoples, even though they may suck at times, and we kinda have disbanded over the years, at our zenith, we were gods among men, or so we thought..And every now and then, when the stars align just right, we have our glory once again. But try to think of the different outcomes, Pity Party would have never been created, what would I have been doing with my Saturday and Friday nights? Where would I be working, not at Costas for sure, how would my grades be, would I have a girlfriend there? All these questions I put on myself, asking at random times throughout my years.
As a senior with the turmoil the now no longer website caused, I knew this was only possible because I was in Lowell, had I been else where, I, among my colleges, would all be better off. Then of course the scandal of the AP Lit teacher, almost having me disenroll and either be homeschooled or join another if I could, once again, only in Lowell....
Then after my graduation, I figured I was out and gone for good, but that was certainly not the case...If I hadn't lived in Lowell and knew the right people would I have not fought to stay at Michigan (if that's where I would have gone in the first place..) not fought knowing I had two jobs lined up for me, and thus taking some easy way out? And every so often, moreso now than ever, I wonder if I would be living like this if I would have lived somewhere else, would my parents got divorced, would I be a wandering vagabond, or would I still be in college or somewhere else. And then I'll think my life could be no worse off than this no matter where I would have gone, so ten was Lowell my demise, would I have been better off somewhere else, with a different life..in any event, that's not how the cards have been dealt, I lived in Lowell, I'm living with everything now, it was wrote the way it is, so be it...
And then not to leave out, forget, or partially mention...if I didn't live in Lowell, I would have never of met Brooke. That's one that's a reoccurring theme. I think about the small, very slight window of opportunity it took for us to meet. If things would have been slightly altered, we would have never met. Even if I did live in Lowell, had something happened where I moved, or had o go back to Lynwood, we would have never met..had I gone to the Academy like my mother's wish, we would have never met..had I not had the friends that ran cross country like I do, we would have never met. So many variables in our meeting, our relationship that make me wonder sometimes. I still know her, though she has gone meeting different people on some similar occurrences, we still talk..what if I never gave her my heart, how would that change, or would have changed things.....
I think the about the what if's and here's where it gets me.....what if I had gone to Crown Point, and was involved with sports there, such as track and cross country...imagine me, standing there cheering on my fellow bulldog girls (not the legend of the dog faced woman, but you get the point...) I'm cheering them on, and it's a large meet, and Lowell just happens to be one of the teams they are competing agianst..I would never know..what if we were to catch eyes, would they be anything like the first glances of when we met, or would it just be some accidental stare..there she would stand, in one life I would know nothing of her, yet in another looking on she would be the one I gave my heart to, pure chance or something else?
God, not Another Ramble....
Part one
This may seem weird, but I know those of you who read this have a heightened intelligence and the capacity to let your mind roam and question things that are, things that were, and things that will never be. I say this as a defense for myself, reassuring I'm not just a mindless wandering lunatic hell bent on pipe dreams in a wishy washy fairy tale world..alright, maybe a little; but back to my story.
The idea, concept, whatever comes to me every now and then, and I'm certain all of you have had similar thoughts - hell they kinda made a movie about it. But today as I was driving around in all backparts of the country world, I pulled off at some random exit to get gas, you know, one of those places that's out in the middle of nowhere placed conveniently enough for you to get yourself some gas because you're not stopping there, you're journey is much further..Anyways, as I make it onto the off ramp I come to the standard stop sign at the end of it, and right before it is the sign pointing to where each town is at, one left and one right. Now as I'm pumping my gas I start thinking about those two towns...And I think that they are probably no different than the one live in, or did live in, if you can't see, I'm talking about Lowell.
Think about it for a second, if you didn't know a thing about this area and were just traveling on 65 and said, hey need gas, exit 240 is up ahead and they have gas, let's stop..you would be seeing the same thing I did at my stop today, or like many of the stops we all have encountered in the past. There's Hebron to the left and Lowell to the right, you can't seethe towns from the exit, you have to travel a little bit before you reach "civilization", though we over look that every time we come back home from the mall, that couple mile drive to "in town" Lowell doesn't seem so long, though if you ever travel the backroads you experience nothing but drives like that..fields and fields if emptiness, then some buildings quickly flash before you, and then more fields, just the way it is.
but in these invisible towns there live many people, ok maybe just a couple thousand, but that is significant enough. Each one of them have their own lives (well duh), they do their own thing, go about their own business, their lives my intertwine to some extent, but they are living alright without your existence. Let's go on a larger scale, walk in downtown Chicago, how many people do you see? All these people have their own things going on, their own struggles, accomplishments, problems..You have nothing to do with them, they are none the wiser to you, and as you walk by them on the sidewalk, that'll probably be the only time you ever see them again.
So many people are all around us, they have their lives full of everything your life has, I'm sure they are a lot of people with the same problems you can relate to..So then why do we think we are in this all alone, we have it worse off than someone else, why do we fight it when if you take the time to look at it, there are plenty of others who are feeling the same way. There are millions of people in the us, and they are all doing something right now...I wonder how many are at their computers, how many of those are blogging or looking at blogs, how many people in the US are wondering the same thing I am right now, how many people in the US are currently listening to Zeppelin, how many people have the same pains and woes as me, I want to meet these people.
Part one
This may seem weird, but I know those of you who read this have a heightened intelligence and the capacity to let your mind roam and question things that are, things that were, and things that will never be. I say this as a defense for myself, reassuring I'm not just a mindless wandering lunatic hell bent on pipe dreams in a wishy washy fairy tale world..alright, maybe a little; but back to my story.
The idea, concept, whatever comes to me every now and then, and I'm certain all of you have had similar thoughts - hell they kinda made a movie about it. But today as I was driving around in all backparts of the country world, I pulled off at some random exit to get gas, you know, one of those places that's out in the middle of nowhere placed conveniently enough for you to get yourself some gas because you're not stopping there, you're journey is much further..Anyways, as I make it onto the off ramp I come to the standard stop sign at the end of it, and right before it is the sign pointing to where each town is at, one left and one right. Now as I'm pumping my gas I start thinking about those two towns...And I think that they are probably no different than the one live in, or did live in, if you can't see, I'm talking about Lowell.
Think about it for a second, if you didn't know a thing about this area and were just traveling on 65 and said, hey need gas, exit 240 is up ahead and they have gas, let's stop..you would be seeing the same thing I did at my stop today, or like many of the stops we all have encountered in the past. There's Hebron to the left and Lowell to the right, you can't seethe towns from the exit, you have to travel a little bit before you reach "civilization", though we over look that every time we come back home from the mall, that couple mile drive to "in town" Lowell doesn't seem so long, though if you ever travel the backroads you experience nothing but drives like that..fields and fields if emptiness, then some buildings quickly flash before you, and then more fields, just the way it is.
but in these invisible towns there live many people, ok maybe just a couple thousand, but that is significant enough. Each one of them have their own lives (well duh), they do their own thing, go about their own business, their lives my intertwine to some extent, but they are living alright without your existence. Let's go on a larger scale, walk in downtown Chicago, how many people do you see? All these people have their own things going on, their own struggles, accomplishments, problems..You have nothing to do with them, they are none the wiser to you, and as you walk by them on the sidewalk, that'll probably be the only time you ever see them again.
So many people are all around us, they have their lives full of everything your life has, I'm sure they are a lot of people with the same problems you can relate to..So then why do we think we are in this all alone, we have it worse off than someone else, why do we fight it when if you take the time to look at it, there are plenty of others who are feeling the same way. There are millions of people in the us, and they are all doing something right now...I wonder how many are at their computers, how many of those are blogging or looking at blogs, how many people in the US are wondering the same thing I am right now, how many people in the US are currently listening to Zeppelin, how many people have the same pains and woes as me, I want to meet these people.
Delayed Reaction....
Damn planes...
Oh, so get this, I decided I should take a nap before I go to work, nothing left to do, been up a long time and such, riding on my high, didn't want to crash and burn later, so yeah a nap was needed...well as I lay down, I knew right then it wasn't going to be good....I woke up at one point and said I don't care what time it is, there's no way I am getting up, it was only 7:30, been sleeping for maybe 2 hours....and I rolled over and slept some more. I awoke at 9, a little before, but once agian did not want to get up...It felt like I was going to throw up. I kept making these moaning noises and then dewes came, and good goff did he get a chuckle out of my "I just woke up/I'm sick" ramblings..yeah remember how I said when you combine them both you get pure entertainment from me...well that was scenario last night...I did eventually get around, was actually scared so I got up and going, my sickness eventually went away as I got hungry around breaktime..which is the funny thing is because I said i got sick probably from eating too much that day..oh well
Damn planes...
Oh, so get this, I decided I should take a nap before I go to work, nothing left to do, been up a long time and such, riding on my high, didn't want to crash and burn later, so yeah a nap was needed...well as I lay down, I knew right then it wasn't going to be good....I woke up at one point and said I don't care what time it is, there's no way I am getting up, it was only 7:30, been sleeping for maybe 2 hours....and I rolled over and slept some more. I awoke at 9, a little before, but once agian did not want to get up...It felt like I was going to throw up. I kept making these moaning noises and then dewes came, and good goff did he get a chuckle out of my "I just woke up/I'm sick" ramblings..yeah remember how I said when you combine them both you get pure entertainment from me...well that was scenario last night...I did eventually get around, was actually scared so I got up and going, my sickness eventually went away as I got hungry around breaktime..which is the funny thing is because I said i got sick probably from eating too much that day..oh well
Fuck Ya'll
All you stupid punk ass, making me angry...fuckers...
Ok, that was random angerness..anyways...So plans are coming to a swift and final closing, so what's it gong to be you ask? Well looks like I will be headed to, duh duh duhdaaaa, Zach's this weekend. So that's the game plan I am currently with as of this moment, plans change, people die, and so forth...So now I will just have to inform the other mass here in this hell we call Lowell that I am taking a trip down..I know Barcus should readily jump on this offer, if not, it will be me and only me, not so bad I guess zach and I can have some heart to heart conversations about life and better things. And depending on how things go this weekend, and moreso next week, maybe I'll be back again, I know that's a lot to handle, but I do owe him for not being around so much, and it will give me an opportunity to drown out my worries for a couple days, make some prank phone calls, and have a good time...Well I think I'll get packing early, night.
All you stupid punk ass, making me angry...fuckers...
Ok, that was random angerness..anyways...So plans are coming to a swift and final closing, so what's it gong to be you ask? Well looks like I will be headed to, duh duh duhdaaaa, Zach's this weekend. So that's the game plan I am currently with as of this moment, plans change, people die, and so forth...So now I will just have to inform the other mass here in this hell we call Lowell that I am taking a trip down..I know Barcus should readily jump on this offer, if not, it will be me and only me, not so bad I guess zach and I can have some heart to heart conversations about life and better things. And depending on how things go this weekend, and moreso next week, maybe I'll be back again, I know that's a lot to handle, but I do owe him for not being around so much, and it will give me an opportunity to drown out my worries for a couple days, make some prank phone calls, and have a good time...Well I think I'll get packing early, night.
Fannie Mae is Closing...
Yes you heard it right, though I said this more than a month ago, Fannie Mae the chocolate company is going to be no more, think how sad that is..all you chocolate lovers will have to bulk up on the going out of business sales..hell yes over priced chocolate is now reasonable..Anyways, yeah, merrillville will be lost without that corner shop on Broadway....
Yes you heard it right, though I said this more than a month ago, Fannie Mae the chocolate company is going to be no more, think how sad that is..all you chocolate lovers will have to bulk up on the going out of business sales..hell yes over priced chocolate is now reasonable..Anyways, yeah, merrillville will be lost without that corner shop on Broadway....
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown
Good goff, I almost had a breakdown, because my computer brokedown....Yeah, so ASUS (my motherboard) did an automatic update and said it has a new BIOS to install...So I thought sure why not, install that bad boy, I've been wanting to update my BIOS for the longest time, actually since I got this thing...I have wanted to put my 1.8 processor in here, but since the BIOS was old, I could only run on the 1.4 (I know I know, .4 difference, big whoopee, it's the principle here..) so I get it, flash my BIOS and then restart....Well as it was starting up I forgot to goto my setup at the beginning, so I pressed the restart button, probably not the best idea, I think that's what messed up the 2000 part of this problem....but anyways I got back to the startup screen, got into bios, did whatever and then continued...well it stopped and I got this new blue screen of death, it was called a STOP window, whatever, but it said if it was the first time you received this message just try starting it again..well I did, many times, it froze of the grey 200 screen, it froze on the color 2000 screen, gave my that blue screen again, would randomly restart itself, it wouldn't even load in safe mode....Oh hell, so you know what I had to do.....Yup, pluck out that little back-up BIOS battery, let it sit without for a bit and put it back together...and look at me, everything's back to normal, BIOS reset itself and I'm here, still with 1.4, but up and running none-the-less......What a day...
Here it comes, here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown
Good goff, I almost had a breakdown, because my computer brokedown....Yeah, so ASUS (my motherboard) did an automatic update and said it has a new BIOS to install...So I thought sure why not, install that bad boy, I've been wanting to update my BIOS for the longest time, actually since I got this thing...I have wanted to put my 1.8 processor in here, but since the BIOS was old, I could only run on the 1.4 (I know I know, .4 difference, big whoopee, it's the principle here..) so I get it, flash my BIOS and then restart....Well as it was starting up I forgot to goto my setup at the beginning, so I pressed the restart button, probably not the best idea, I think that's what messed up the 2000 part of this problem....but anyways I got back to the startup screen, got into bios, did whatever and then continued...well it stopped and I got this new blue screen of death, it was called a STOP window, whatever, but it said if it was the first time you received this message just try starting it again..well I did, many times, it froze of the grey 200 screen, it froze on the color 2000 screen, gave my that blue screen again, would randomly restart itself, it wouldn't even load in safe mode....Oh hell, so you know what I had to do.....Yup, pluck out that little back-up BIOS battery, let it sit without for a bit and put it back together...and look at me, everything's back to normal, BIOS reset itself and I'm here, still with 1.4, but up and running none-the-less......What a day...
Let's Spend the Night Together
Now I need you more than ever...
I tell you, the weather is breaking and getting a little warmer, though not by much, but every little bit helps..I suppose that's a good thing, I would rather have it cold than hot..I know that is wired coming from me, but think about it for a second and you'll understand why. The heat makes me feel sluggish and unproductive, I want nothing more than to do nothing..But the cold makes me want to ball up, and it's a lot easier to get warm than to get cold..it also makes for good cuddling weather, yeah I know I'm a cuddler, so be it..nothing makes me as happy as cuddling in some spoon position, it may make sleeping a little different, but it is totally worth it (no other guy I know has this same opinion, fuck if I'm different)
but the point I'm getting at...I can't wait to crash at somebody's place this weekend I tell you. It may be only two days and two nights, but it's 50+hours I have less worries on my head. So yeah, today is Wednesday, and I will be out and about in Friday, free from all, whatever...Though no official plans have been set up yet, zach hasn't gotten back to me with his schedule and such, so I'm just hanging on by the moment..plus I would like to know if Brooke will be with me or not...everything's hanging in the balance, to be determined at the last minute, as always, as we all like it...
Now I need you more than ever...
I tell you, the weather is breaking and getting a little warmer, though not by much, but every little bit helps..I suppose that's a good thing, I would rather have it cold than hot..I know that is wired coming from me, but think about it for a second and you'll understand why. The heat makes me feel sluggish and unproductive, I want nothing more than to do nothing..But the cold makes me want to ball up, and it's a lot easier to get warm than to get cold..it also makes for good cuddling weather, yeah I know I'm a cuddler, so be it..nothing makes me as happy as cuddling in some spoon position, it may make sleeping a little different, but it is totally worth it (no other guy I know has this same opinion, fuck if I'm different)
but the point I'm getting at...I can't wait to crash at somebody's place this weekend I tell you. It may be only two days and two nights, but it's 50+hours I have less worries on my head. So yeah, today is Wednesday, and I will be out and about in Friday, free from all, whatever...Though no official plans have been set up yet, zach hasn't gotten back to me with his schedule and such, so I'm just hanging on by the moment..plus I would like to know if Brooke will be with me or not...everything's hanging in the balance, to be determined at the last minute, as always, as we all like it...
People ask me, "What's the matter with you boy?"
Sometimes I want to say to myself Sometimes I say...
And going with the "I'm feeling good" phase, I just watched the first DVD to the Rolling Stones Four Flicks DVD...and I don't know why, but damn it made me happy. I feel great right now, and of course like a little kid, I have the inkling to fiddle with my guitar, if only I had it on me....I should go and get her.
Anyways, this is the total opposite of last night of course..people just can't let me be, if I want to be quiet for one night, hey, that's my own thing. I know I come to work to entertain ya'll, like some flamboyant artist of sorts with my quick witted comedy and whatever, but everybody gets a little burnt out sometime, give me a break, I'm human....But like they said, maybe it's another delayed reaction, could be, that's how I work....
Sometimes I want to say to myself Sometimes I say...
And going with the "I'm feeling good" phase, I just watched the first DVD to the Rolling Stones Four Flicks DVD...and I don't know why, but damn it made me happy. I feel great right now, and of course like a little kid, I have the inkling to fiddle with my guitar, if only I had it on me....I should go and get her.
Anyways, this is the total opposite of last night of course..people just can't let me be, if I want to be quiet for one night, hey, that's my own thing. I know I come to work to entertain ya'll, like some flamboyant artist of sorts with my quick witted comedy and whatever, but everybody gets a little burnt out sometime, give me a break, I'm human....But like they said, maybe it's another delayed reaction, could be, that's how I work....
If you start me up
If you start me up I'll never stop
Well Shit...So just as I posted about feeling like ass no matter how much sleep I get, come today I fall asleep around 530ish..and when I wake up I feel very refreshed, and it was only 830. So naturally I laid around a little longer just trying to get a grip on things..coming to the realization I can't go back to sleep, and probably don't want to, I feel good and got up....not to mention this comes after having a crazy dream as well...
I'll give you the basics of it, I was flying in a plane for the last dream..Now normally whenever I have dreams involving planes I get sick and throw up (I'm not crazy, other people have the same thing, there's been a study..honestly...) so I woke up feeling fine, trying to remember my dreams and then it hit me, only much later, that I had a dream about flying in a plane..and I didn't throw up....Today's going to be a crazy day...
If you start me up I'll never stop
Well Shit...So just as I posted about feeling like ass no matter how much sleep I get, come today I fall asleep around 530ish..and when I wake up I feel very refreshed, and it was only 830. So naturally I laid around a little longer just trying to get a grip on things..coming to the realization I can't go back to sleep, and probably don't want to, I feel good and got up....not to mention this comes after having a crazy dream as well...
I'll give you the basics of it, I was flying in a plane for the last dream..Now normally whenever I have dreams involving planes I get sick and throw up (I'm not crazy, other people have the same thing, there's been a study..honestly...) so I woke up feeling fine, trying to remember my dreams and then it hit me, only much later, that I had a dream about flying in a plane..and I didn't throw up....Today's going to be a crazy day...
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Ughhhhh....
I've been really tired lately, and I don't know why, sleep is all it seems I want/can do..and even that isn't good enough, I still wake up tired no matter how long I've slept for...And my dreams are no help either, I swear. And now they're fragmented short dreams, have like 15 a night, but can only remember a handful of them...and then there was one last night, oh my it was messed up..I want to tell it, but am afraid to because I don't know what it means...anyways,I must get going....
I've been really tired lately, and I don't know why, sleep is all it seems I want/can do..and even that isn't good enough, I still wake up tired no matter how long I've slept for...And my dreams are no help either, I swear. And now they're fragmented short dreams, have like 15 a night, but can only remember a handful of them...and then there was one last night, oh my it was messed up..I want to tell it, but am afraid to because I don't know what it means...anyways,I must get going....
Monday, January 12, 2004
Well Well....
you sure done it this time...
Well, the wheels are in motion, not sure how fast they are spinning yet, but they have definitely been nugded and they are off...not sure if this is a good thing or not.. I mean I didn't mean for it to happen, but I inadvertently did, whoops..I mean I did want to get it started, but that was then, who knows...maybe I can slow the process down a bit...How far off is February 7th? And nobody has any idea as to what I am talking about....this was just for me...
you sure done it this time...
Well, the wheels are in motion, not sure how fast they are spinning yet, but they have definitely been nugded and they are off...not sure if this is a good thing or not.. I mean I didn't mean for it to happen, but I inadvertently did, whoops..I mean I did want to get it started, but that was then, who knows...maybe I can slow the process down a bit...How far off is February 7th? And nobody has any idea as to what I am talking about....this was just for me...
Troubled....
Alright, I have many things to say, yet for the first time ever, I'm actually contemplating whether or not to shoot off my mouth like I normally do....I mean I want to say things, ask things, the norm...and I want to do all this without making certain people mad; however I know that won't be a possibility for the fact that my wordings always comes off wrongly. So here I sit, thinking of what to do...if I post something, read it, don't run with it, just read the words as they are..if nothing is posted..I probably couldn't get the wording down as well as I would have liked and for the time being am just letting it be....We'll see what happens...
Alright, I have many things to say, yet for the first time ever, I'm actually contemplating whether or not to shoot off my mouth like I normally do....I mean I want to say things, ask things, the norm...and I want to do all this without making certain people mad; however I know that won't be a possibility for the fact that my wordings always comes off wrongly. So here I sit, thinking of what to do...if I post something, read it, don't run with it, just read the words as they are..if nothing is posted..I probably couldn't get the wording down as well as I would have liked and for the time being am just letting it be....We'll see what happens...
HA!
Blue....
I was just listening to the radio on my ride from work, and you know what they said..."According to a national survey, American's favorite color is Palace Blue...the color blue shows dependability, loyalty, etc..." Yup, that's me, but I wanted to be special for liking blue....Damn everyone for having the same mind set, damn conforming....oh well, I like blue :-D
Blue....
I was just listening to the radio on my ride from work, and you know what they said..."According to a national survey, American's favorite color is Palace Blue...the color blue shows dependability, loyalty, etc..." Yup, that's me, but I wanted to be special for liking blue....Damn everyone for having the same mind set, damn conforming....oh well, I like blue :-D
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Hey, Check It....
Well, if anyone would care to vask in my presence for a couple days, I will be off Friday and Saturday for the next two weeks, that's as far as I know ahead of schedule. But that's right, two days and two nights to spend with your leisure...Zach I know I have to get to you sometime, which weekend would you prefer? The other is up for grabs, so all those, I think all that is left would be the wagners..we'll see....but anyways, maybe, just maybe (hopefully), I'll be bringing somebody along to join my company, well we'll just see what she says to that...anywho, that is all, throw your stones...I mean comment me...
Well, if anyone would care to vask in my presence for a couple days, I will be off Friday and Saturday for the next two weeks, that's as far as I know ahead of schedule. But that's right, two days and two nights to spend with your leisure...Zach I know I have to get to you sometime, which weekend would you prefer? The other is up for grabs, so all those, I think all that is left would be the wagners..we'll see....but anyways, maybe, just maybe (hopefully), I'll be bringing somebody along to join my company, well we'll just see what she says to that...anywho, that is all, throw your stones...I mean comment me...
Saturday, January 10, 2004
LOTR Part 3...
withmy the lovely Brooke
So this is probably going to be a two fold post, I want to talk about my evening tonight (now last night) but my mind is more on the wandering rambles right now, so please bear with me....
So things got off kinda shakey at first, say round 2ish or so...but just as it came up, it was resolved, thank the lord too I would not have known how to get out of that one...For more info read the xanga..anyways...I met Brooke at Sam's Club 530-6ish. We ate some pizza and she got me a slushy as well, she's great...but she was having a bad day and things just didn't seem to go her way, I felt bad for not being able to make things better, but that's just me...From there we went to the mall, Brooke picked up kodee's birthday present and me, I got myself a new pair of shoes...hopefully these will last longer than under a year like my last pair...
**side story...I was at the mall earlier today with barcus, we were shoe shopping, well I was and he accompanied me, and I tell you, it wasn't looking bright for me, the shoes I picked out weren't in my size, I narrowed down to three choices, two types = a pair of doc martins for my khaki look and a pair of skater shoes for the jean apparel...and even when I went online, couldn't find the skaters shoes at all, it's a conspiracy against me and comfortable shoes I tells ya****
so as I was saying, got my shoes and we headed out of the mall rather quickly to catch our movie, LOTR part 3 at showplace....We made it just in time for the 7:20 showing....The movie was good, seemed longer than three hours, and had the most drawn-out ending possible, right up there with AI I swear..they didn't leave a thing untouched with this ending, open and shut deal..I guess that's good. the movie was even better because I had my very own Spiegal (sp?) next to me making comments every now and then. I pissed before the movie and had to piss after the movie, maybe it was the slushy..After the movie we kinda just drove around...
oh, while driving I did pull a fashionable Jason-esque stunt..I parked the car at 11:57 in some parking lot, grabbed to glasses from behind my seat along with a bottle of sparkling red grape juice. I poured two drinks and flipped open my phone so I could see the time. I told her since we didn't get to spend New Year's together, this would be my mock-up of it...We drank the nasty juice and I got giddy as the clock hit 11:59..We waited anxiously, maybe me more than her, but then 12 came and I let out a little roar and said, "well I have to kiss you..."God I can be brilliant at times...yeah, I'm good, or is it that I'm good because I'm with her..anyways after that was done and over with, we got chased out of the parking lot by a cop and went towards 65 to take her home...
I pulled into the truckstop and pulled out my other surprise, I wanted to play a song I wrote for her.....Well I played it, horrible at that, god the finger picking...I suppose I should have practiced it huh, but no matter I just wanted her to hear it, it was because of her I wrote it, and Vince actually liked it so I thought maybe it had some sort of potential...Well maybe I was wrong about everything, maybe I shouldn't even played the song, maybe the song just sucks dick...sorry, well I am my own undoing, so serves me right for playing the stupid thing..anyways, I think things got patched up afterwards, she played a song for me s we had a little rock out session in my car, it was good...and then as it became closer to one I took her home....
(now this is the part where I start to ramble...) it was an excellent evening, but then again I've enjoyed every minute I've spent with her since she's been back..I wished we would have gotten together a little sooner, settled our differences sooner instead that fatefilled Friday....So why am I still absolutely crazy for her? How is it that she "makes" (I use makes in quotations because she doesn't actually make me, but it's something hard to explain..) me drop any and all plans on a dime, sacrifice it all just to be with her? You know, joking around this was said but it's true, she could make me run out on my own wedding, even if we hadn't spoken in years, she could just waltz in and say, "hey, wanna go have lunch or something?" and boom, I'd be out the doors...drastic yes, but true..
and of course I'm sharing all this on a public blog, and for what? Well maybe it's just something I wanted to get off my chest, lord knows I can't say any of this when I'm around her..I'm too afraid of what may happen, how I'll mess things up..sure I'll throw in little subtle remarks about loving her, but does he mean it, or is it just the way his character talks? I guess the subliminal is the safest route..if she were to get offended by a comment I made I would lie and say it was all in jest....I mean why can't I just act all normal, I'm not even sure what normal is for this situation; but I think it would involve me enjoying the evening without that strong deep beating in my chest, without giving those lovingly looks towards her, sitting there vasking in the greatness of her presence while she sleeps in the passenger chair...If I could get rid of all that, it would probably serve me a lot better, I know she doesn't want anything to do with those petty emotions, right?She just wants us to be friends I'm sure, why can't I give her that, why must my heart ask for something it can't have..tell it to go in a corner, lock itself away, it isn't needed now..so there, it's all out, no matter what I can't stop loving her (you if you are reading) I'm sure you have gathered that from my presentation of self over the past few weeks, but if for some reason you looked over it, here it is. I'm sorry I'm saying it, I know it's going to do nothing but harm, but I needed it out, I'll love you forever.
with
So this is probably going to be a two fold post, I want to talk about my evening tonight (now last night) but my mind is more on the wandering rambles right now, so please bear with me....
So things got off kinda shakey at first, say round 2ish or so...but just as it came up, it was resolved, thank the lord too I would not have known how to get out of that one...For more info read the xanga..anyways...I met Brooke at Sam's Club 530-6ish. We ate some pizza and she got me a slushy as well, she's great...but she was having a bad day and things just didn't seem to go her way, I felt bad for not being able to make things better, but that's just me...From there we went to the mall, Brooke picked up kodee's birthday present and me, I got myself a new pair of shoes...hopefully these will last longer than under a year like my last pair...
**side story...I was at the mall earlier today with barcus, we were shoe shopping, well I was and he accompanied me, and I tell you, it wasn't looking bright for me, the shoes I picked out weren't in my size, I narrowed down to three choices, two types = a pair of doc martins for my khaki look and a pair of skater shoes for the jean apparel...and even when I went online, couldn't find the skaters shoes at all, it's a conspiracy against me and comfortable shoes I tells ya****
so as I was saying, got my shoes and we headed out of the mall rather quickly to catch our movie, LOTR part 3 at showplace....We made it just in time for the 7:20 showing....The movie was good, seemed longer than three hours, and had the most drawn-out ending possible, right up there with AI I swear..they didn't leave a thing untouched with this ending, open and shut deal..I guess that's good. the movie was even better because I had my very own Spiegal (sp?) next to me making comments every now and then. I pissed before the movie and had to piss after the movie, maybe it was the slushy..After the movie we kinda just drove around...
oh, while driving I did pull a fashionable Jason-esque stunt..I parked the car at 11:57 in some parking lot, grabbed to glasses from behind my seat along with a bottle of sparkling red grape juice. I poured two drinks and flipped open my phone so I could see the time. I told her since we didn't get to spend New Year's together, this would be my mock-up of it...We drank the nasty juice and I got giddy as the clock hit 11:59..We waited anxiously, maybe me more than her, but then 12 came and I let out a little roar and said, "well I have to kiss you..."God I can be brilliant at times...yeah, I'm good, or is it that I'm good because I'm with her..anyways after that was done and over with, we got chased out of the parking lot by a cop and went towards 65 to take her home...
I pulled into the truckstop and pulled out my other surprise, I wanted to play a song I wrote for her.....Well I played it, horrible at that, god the finger picking...I suppose I should have practiced it huh, but no matter I just wanted her to hear it, it was because of her I wrote it, and Vince actually liked it so I thought maybe it had some sort of potential...Well maybe I was wrong about everything, maybe I shouldn't even played the song, maybe the song just sucks dick...sorry, well I am my own undoing, so serves me right for playing the stupid thing..anyways, I think things got patched up afterwards, she played a song for me s we had a little rock out session in my car, it was good...and then as it became closer to one I took her home....
(now this is the part where I start to ramble...) it was an excellent evening, but then again I've enjoyed every minute I've spent with her since she's been back..I wished we would have gotten together a little sooner, settled our differences sooner instead that fatefilled Friday....So why am I still absolutely crazy for her? How is it that she "makes" (I use makes in quotations because she doesn't actually make me, but it's something hard to explain..) me drop any and all plans on a dime, sacrifice it all just to be with her? You know, joking around this was said but it's true, she could make me run out on my own wedding, even if we hadn't spoken in years, she could just waltz in and say, "hey, wanna go have lunch or something?" and boom, I'd be out the doors...drastic yes, but true..
and of course I'm sharing all this on a public blog, and for what? Well maybe it's just something I wanted to get off my chest, lord knows I can't say any of this when I'm around her..I'm too afraid of what may happen, how I'll mess things up..sure I'll throw in little subtle remarks about loving her, but does he mean it, or is it just the way his character talks? I guess the subliminal is the safest route..if she were to get offended by a comment I made I would lie and say it was all in jest....I mean why can't I just act all normal, I'm not even sure what normal is for this situation; but I think it would involve me enjoying the evening without that strong deep beating in my chest, without giving those lovingly looks towards her, sitting there vasking in the greatness of her presence while she sleeps in the passenger chair...If I could get rid of all that, it would probably serve me a lot better, I know she doesn't want anything to do with those petty emotions, right?She just wants us to be friends I'm sure, why can't I give her that, why must my heart ask for something it can't have..tell it to go in a corner, lock itself away, it isn't needed now..so there, it's all out, no matter what I can't stop loving her (you if you are reading) I'm sure you have gathered that from my presentation of self over the past few weeks, but if for some reason you looked over it, here it is. I'm sorry I'm saying it, I know it's going to do nothing but harm, but I needed it out, I'll love you forever.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Ummmm, no...
I was just looking at some random things on my computer, some things I wrote back when I was stupid, well still am, but older now, so yeah..if you were to see some of the shit that I wrote, we'd all be in trouble..maybe I'll post this one frightening thing, it's crazy to see what was in my head years ago....next thing you know I'll be going through all my old microcassettes to see what's on them..not to mention my old journals and notebooks...yeah, when I die, they won't be found, I'll make sure to burn them before they hit the stands.....
I was just looking at some random things on my computer, some things I wrote back when I was stupid, well still am, but older now, so yeah..if you were to see some of the shit that I wrote, we'd all be in trouble..maybe I'll post this one frightening thing, it's crazy to see what was in my head years ago....next thing you know I'll be going through all my old microcassettes to see what's on them..not to mention my old journals and notebooks...yeah, when I die, they won't be found, I'll make sure to burn them before they hit the stands.....
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
HEY!
This is just a quick little post/update/reminder....I've been posting again on my Xanga, so that means check it out....of course I really won't know if you go and read it or not, only a select few of you who are members can comment, but just humor me and go..I'll think that you read it, and that'll make me happy..hell you could even make a comment on this post here saying that you do in fact read the Xanga..so yeah, just pretend to read and I'll look the other way...
This is just a quick little post/update/reminder....I've been posting again on my Xanga, so that means check it out....of course I really won't know if you go and read it or not, only a select few of you who are members can comment, but just humor me and go..I'll think that you read it, and that'll make me happy..hell you could even make a comment on this post here saying that you do in fact read the Xanga..so yeah, just pretend to read and I'll look the other way...
Quoting Movies at Target....
Well it isn't really quoting, I don't know why I said that...anyways, last night I was taken to the warehouse, actually several of us were. And when we got there I looked at who was all there and I realized they took one person from each area, not necessarily the best of the best, but the damn good ones I'd say, the most prominent in that area/department. It was me from the backroom, Gary from flow, Andrew the warehouse guy, and stacey the team lead....it reminded me of (probably because I just watched it) the fellowship of the rings, one person from each group out on the same goal...only for us it was to restore order at the warehouse...now what other movies do they also do that in, damn if I can't remember...but on the subject of LOTR, I made the comment about the situation and asked who each of us would be if it were the movie...when I answered my own question with, "well Gary would defiantly be the dwarf, he's ugly enough...." after receiving a laughter from that I said, "well as for me, I'm not cute enough to be frodo or legolas, and not dark enough to be the other two guys (strider and what's his face...) that would have to go to Andrew...so I was left with nothing, leave me as a damn hobbit.."so yeah that was that, thought it was funny...
Well it isn't really quoting, I don't know why I said that...anyways, last night I was taken to the warehouse, actually several of us were. And when we got there I looked at who was all there and I realized they took one person from each area, not necessarily the best of the best, but the damn good ones I'd say, the most prominent in that area/department. It was me from the backroom, Gary from flow, Andrew the warehouse guy, and stacey the team lead....it reminded me of (probably because I just watched it) the fellowship of the rings, one person from each group out on the same goal...only for us it was to restore order at the warehouse...now what other movies do they also do that in, damn if I can't remember...but on the subject of LOTR, I made the comment about the situation and asked who each of us would be if it were the movie...when I answered my own question with, "well Gary would defiantly be the dwarf, he's ugly enough...." after receiving a laughter from that I said, "well as for me, I'm not cute enough to be frodo or legolas, and not dark enough to be the other two guys (strider and what's his face...) that would have to go to Andrew...so I was left with nothing, leave me as a damn hobbit.."so yeah that was that, thought it was funny...
What A Difference A Day Makes....
Let me tell you a little story, it's a two parter, go figure....now we will be comparing last night and the night prior at Target....and here we go...
The other night I get to work and I was just happy as could be, good goff was I in a good mood, moreso than my normal self at target, this wasn't necessarily hyper, but I was definitely energized. Everybody was wondering what was going on, some were kinda scared, other told me to lay off the crack, or to share it/quit hogging it...yeah. There was even parts of the night when my fellow backroom employees asked me to yell at/say shity to some other people...normally I would have no problem doing this, but I told them I was in too good of a mood....though by 6am that one person they wanted me to yell at finally got to me after she got snippy with me and I said shit back, everyone rejoiced.
but yeah, I was going to make a post the other day about the events, how happy I was, this and that, but things just got away from me and I made several other posts yesterday, so for that I am sorry...which brings us to tonight, total opposite of what was just said, though I wasn't angry, it was a depressive stupor....
I worked the line as my normal ting, but I found myself wandering away from it and ending up in random places, only to scurry back to the line where I was supposed to be...I don't know what came over me, but it was like I would wake up and realize I wasn't where I should be, it was weird indeed. I didn't say much, didn't hop around from side to side or go into the truck like I have been doing in the past weeks, I was to myself....And you know things are bad when the flow pallet pullers are asking what is up with me. I didn't work sluggishly, but I was definitely out of place, and everyone knew something was wrong, and of course I tried to play it off and say nothing..at first they asked if I was tired, should have went with that response...
so while on the line I questioned what brought on this depressing, this saddened state I was in for as far as I knew it, nothing really should have brought this on...so I figured it had to be a really late reaction to something else, and as I thought about that, it only made sense, and of course I thought about what was making me sad which only made things worse, but yeah, it had to be a delayed response to something that most certainly wielded that type of depression....
they took me to the warehouse to A) to caught up again (yeah like I said before, I'm the catch-up bitch) and 2) to help cheer me up. It was a good thing they did, it did help me take my mind off of things somehow, I would have thought it would only fester and build up there, but thankfully all the thoughts went suppressed away....I tell you though, it was hitting me pretty hard while I was on the line...I came close to two breakdowns and a panic attack as well add in the amnesia-esque fugue like wandering, I was probably losing my mind to some psychotic illness...
but whatever the case may be, I'm here now, the thoughts have been pushed back and forgotten, probably will haunt me in my upcoming dreams and will be back out when I awake, so until then, goodnight all
Let me tell you a little story, it's a two parter, go figure....now we will be comparing last night and the night prior at Target....and here we go...
The other night I get to work and I was just happy as could be, good goff was I in a good mood, moreso than my normal self at target, this wasn't necessarily hyper, but I was definitely energized. Everybody was wondering what was going on, some were kinda scared, other told me to lay off the crack, or to share it/quit hogging it...yeah. There was even parts of the night when my fellow backroom employees asked me to yell at/say shity to some other people...normally I would have no problem doing this, but I told them I was in too good of a mood....though by 6am that one person they wanted me to yell at finally got to me after she got snippy with me and I said shit back, everyone rejoiced.
but yeah, I was going to make a post the other day about the events, how happy I was, this and that, but things just got away from me and I made several other posts yesterday, so for that I am sorry...which brings us to tonight, total opposite of what was just said, though I wasn't angry, it was a depressive stupor....
I worked the line as my normal ting, but I found myself wandering away from it and ending up in random places, only to scurry back to the line where I was supposed to be...I don't know what came over me, but it was like I would wake up and realize I wasn't where I should be, it was weird indeed. I didn't say much, didn't hop around from side to side or go into the truck like I have been doing in the past weeks, I was to myself....And you know things are bad when the flow pallet pullers are asking what is up with me. I didn't work sluggishly, but I was definitely out of place, and everyone knew something was wrong, and of course I tried to play it off and say nothing..at first they asked if I was tired, should have went with that response...
so while on the line I questioned what brought on this depressing, this saddened state I was in for as far as I knew it, nothing really should have brought this on...so I figured it had to be a really late reaction to something else, and as I thought about that, it only made sense, and of course I thought about what was making me sad which only made things worse, but yeah, it had to be a delayed response to something that most certainly wielded that type of depression....
they took me to the warehouse to A) to caught up again (yeah like I said before, I'm the catch-up bitch) and 2) to help cheer me up. It was a good thing they did, it did help me take my mind off of things somehow, I would have thought it would only fester and build up there, but thankfully all the thoughts went suppressed away....I tell you though, it was hitting me pretty hard while I was on the line...I came close to two breakdowns and a panic attack as well add in the amnesia-esque fugue like wandering, I was probably losing my mind to some psychotic illness...
but whatever the case may be, I'm here now, the thoughts have been pushed back and forgotten, probably will haunt me in my upcoming dreams and will be back out when I awake, so until then, goodnight all
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Ohh My....
After looking at the link I put in my last post, I realized something...yeah probably should read the entire post of the link I am link to before I make it my valid link...but besides that, the ting that got me was the fact that the "theory" or idea that I've been speaking of, posting about, and everything else, the "heaven and hell in one" thing has been on my mind for a long time, I can trace it back to early September of last year. And it was funny, because just the other day I was saying to myself how it sounded like the damned Buddhist belief about balance...which was readily talked about in the summer of last year with Asian Tony's problems...But it seems to be all coming back to me, everything..everything I thought, everything I said, everything I felt, it's all coming back, back from under the ashes..it's like October through December was the dark ages and I forgot everything that was just established not too long ago, and through another difficult process I am relearning them..it's really interesting
so now the question is, will there be any more advancements, or is this part of one of my viscous cycles...only reaching a point, then having it lost in the dark for months only to reappear through some turn of events, maybe coming as quickly or maybe slower than the original discovery took, but once it reaches it's climax, the cycle repeats....yeah sounds right...
After looking at the link I put in my last post, I realized something...yeah probably should read the entire post of the link I am link to before I make it my valid link...but besides that, the ting that got me was the fact that the "theory" or idea that I've been speaking of, posting about, and everything else, the "heaven and hell in one" thing has been on my mind for a long time, I can trace it back to early September of last year. And it was funny, because just the other day I was saying to myself how it sounded like the damned Buddhist belief about balance...which was readily talked about in the summer of last year with Asian Tony's problems...But it seems to be all coming back to me, everything..everything I thought, everything I said, everything I felt, it's all coming back, back from under the ashes..it's like October through December was the dark ages and I forgot everything that was just established not too long ago, and through another difficult process I am relearning them..it's really interesting
so now the question is, will there be any more advancements, or is this part of one of my viscous cycles...only reaching a point, then having it lost in the dark for months only to reappear through some turn of events, maybe coming as quickly or maybe slower than the original discovery took, but once it reaches it's climax, the cycle repeats....yeah sounds right...
Dead - End, Dropped Call...
Have any of you ever had an animal or a person, well I hope not a person, but yeah a person or animal ever die in your hand or arms or anything lie that? To those who have been unfortunate enough to have had that happen, you'll know what I'm talking about when I start telling my story, or rather just this next part...
so if you have had that happen, you know the feeling of the animal/person passing. you know the instant they are gone, you can literally feeling them leaving the body in a way. and the tabernacle, the shell, the housing, the body, it all of a sudden becomes heavier; the body becomes dead and there is a significant difference to it....all of a sudden it's just a heavier lump, it's sad really, but anyways....
this phone I got, I swear it feels the same way, or maybe it's not the phone, but for the sake of pointing fingers, let's go to the phone...so like I was saying, it's just certain calls, when the call is over, it feels like it is all over. I hear the click of them hanging up, I see the lights on the phone change out of the corner of my eye, and the phone becomes heavier, at that very instance. though nothing has died persay, just the end of a conversation, it still feels the same. "parting is such sweet sorrow"..
So then the question is how to pick yourself up after the phone died...it's kinda funny actually, you go through the phases just like with death, I think there are five, I don't know if you go through them all, but you go through several....you got an initial reaction of sadness it is over, then the denial and wanting to call back, but you can't, I don't think there is anger, maybewith yourself for not saying something you wanted to. and as for bargaining/pleading, don't think there is that, could be wrong, but the last one is acceptance, you eventually accept that it is over and you move on.....
I know that seems like a lot to grasp over just a phone call, maybe seems a little too much, a little over the top, but it's how I feel as of late...maybe the death of the phone calls will come to a close, maybe this is a momentary lapse of reason where things that are and never should be, but now I'm just talking in song circles..*cough cough* ok, cleared my throat and mind a bit, but I think we all will remember my rambling about a phone call, a voice, something of the sorts in a post that looked like this..... and isn't it funny that that post is made in September, ohh , back when my posts were filled with such emotion and length, length in a good way, full of good things, not filler shit I make now...but yeah, phone calls mean a lot of things, it could mean something special when it's needed to, or to some it could be an everyday thing...but certain everyday things still have meaning to me..no matter how many times I see something, or touch something, or feel something, it's as great as the first time..I guess I just don't tire of things or get old with things, well certain things....... it's the little things in life, nothing's bigger.
Have any of you ever had an animal or a person, well I hope not a person, but yeah a person or animal ever die in your hand or arms or anything lie that? To those who have been unfortunate enough to have had that happen, you'll know what I'm talking about when I start telling my story, or rather just this next part...
so if you have had that happen, you know the feeling of the animal/person passing. you know the instant they are gone, you can literally feeling them leaving the body in a way. and the tabernacle, the shell, the housing, the body, it all of a sudden becomes heavier; the body becomes dead and there is a significant difference to it....all of a sudden it's just a heavier lump, it's sad really, but anyways....
this phone I got, I swear it feels the same way, or maybe it's not the phone, but for the sake of pointing fingers, let's go to the phone...so like I was saying, it's just certain calls, when the call is over, it feels like it is all over. I hear the click of them hanging up, I see the lights on the phone change out of the corner of my eye, and the phone becomes heavier, at that very instance. though nothing has died persay, just the end of a conversation, it still feels the same. "parting is such sweet sorrow"..
So then the question is how to pick yourself up after the phone died...it's kinda funny actually, you go through the phases just like with death, I think there are five, I don't know if you go through them all, but you go through several....you got an initial reaction of sadness it is over, then the denial and wanting to call back, but you can't, I don't think there is anger, maybewith yourself for not saying something you wanted to. and as for bargaining/pleading, don't think there is that, could be wrong, but the last one is acceptance, you eventually accept that it is over and you move on.....
I know that seems like a lot to grasp over just a phone call, maybe seems a little too much, a little over the top, but it's how I feel as of late...maybe the death of the phone calls will come to a close, maybe this is a momentary lapse of reason where things that are and never should be, but now I'm just talking in song circles..*cough cough* ok, cleared my throat and mind a bit, but I think we all will remember my rambling about a phone call, a voice, something of the sorts in a post that looked like this..... and isn't it funny that that post is made in September, ohh , back when my posts were filled with such emotion and length, length in a good way, full of good things, not filler shit I make now...but yeah, phone calls mean a lot of things, it could mean something special when it's needed to, or to some it could be an everyday thing...but certain everyday things still have meaning to me..no matter how many times I see something, or touch something, or feel something, it's as great as the first time..I guess I just don't tire of things or get old with things, well certain things....... it's the little things in life, nothing's bigger.
Whoa...A Comment in Another Language....
Alright, I was just looking over my comments before I go to blog about my next..whatever happens in my life, it really should have a word for it, but anyways....I was looking over it and saw this comment made on my last post..
"Um sorriso nada custa¬… mas fornece muito. Enriquece a quem recebe, sem deixar mais pobre aquele que o d√°. Dura s√≥ um momento. Entretanto, deixa uma lembran√ßa que permanece para sempre."
Now I'm really lazy and don't want to work my brain muscles on translating,Iso i used Altavista's Babelfish to do my translating, it came up bestPortugueseeese,Iso i will give you that translation....
"A smile costs nothing¬… but it supplies very. It enriches to who receives, without leaving poor that one that gives it. A moment only lasts. However, a souvenir leaves that remains forever."
I think everybody gets the iIea, i think, thI'mh i'm not sure...what are they talking about again...
anywIys, i just thought it was really cool to get a comment, not only a comment, bcommentoment in a different language from someone far away, cool cool....
Alright, I was just looking over my comments before I go to blog about my next..whatever happens in my life, it really should have a word for it, but anyways....I was looking over it and saw this comment made on my last post..
"Um sorriso nada custa¬… mas fornece muito. Enriquece a quem recebe, sem deixar mais pobre aquele que o d√°. Dura s√≥ um momento. Entretanto, deixa uma lembran√ßa que permanece para sempre."
Now I'm really lazy and don't want to work my brain muscles on translating,Iso i used Altavista's Babelfish to do my translating, it came up bestPortugueseeese,Iso i will give you that translation....
"A smile costs nothing¬… but it supplies very. It enriches to who receives, without leaving poor that one that gives it. A moment only lasts. However, a souvenir leaves that remains forever."
I think everybody gets the iIea, i think, thI'mh i'm not sure...what are they talking about again...
anywIys, i just thought it was really cool to get a comment, not only a comment, bcommentoment in a different language from someone far away, cool cool....
Monday, January 05, 2004
LOTR!? Marathon
Yesterday was.....Sunday, and though it felt like today was supposed to be Sunday, yesterday in fact was..but anyways....So what's there to do on a Sunday, when everything closes early and on top of it all, snow has covered the roads making traveling treacherous....why stay in and watch movies (with or without your lovely, which ever you prefer...)
So Brooke called me up, seeing what I was doing, we were both kinda bored and tired so I suggested just renting some videos and staying in to watch them, sounds goods eh? we decided on watching Lord of the Rings, I've never seen one of them, been waiting for said day to watch them all at once. She had the first one so I rented the second, went to her house and made a day out of it...
now would you believe each movie is close to three hours long, good goff, but it was well worth it, I suppose more time to spend with her. I enjoyed the first two movies, I think they grew on me, and I think it was better for me to see them all at once....but we still have to see the third...by the time we finished with the second movie it was well after 10. so it looks like sometime this week we will be going to see the third...
spent a long time with he yesterday, I didn't mind, I enjoy it like always, but as always there has to be a departure... a sad parting, least on my behalf...once again there was a long hug, I didn't want to let her go..we kissed goodbye and I left. I tell you, actually I don't know what to tell you, I've said it many times before, so why say it anymore, I can only love her, and there's nothing to that effect so just shut up and keep moving, right...
Yesterday was.....Sunday, and though it felt like today was supposed to be Sunday, yesterday in fact was..but anyways....So what's there to do on a Sunday, when everything closes early and on top of it all, snow has covered the roads making traveling treacherous....why stay in and watch movies (with or without your lovely, which ever you prefer...)
So Brooke called me up, seeing what I was doing, we were both kinda bored and tired so I suggested just renting some videos and staying in to watch them, sounds goods eh? we decided on watching Lord of the Rings, I've never seen one of them, been waiting for said day to watch them all at once. She had the first one so I rented the second, went to her house and made a day out of it...
now would you believe each movie is close to three hours long, good goff, but it was well worth it, I suppose more time to spend with her. I enjoyed the first two movies, I think they grew on me, and I think it was better for me to see them all at once....but we still have to see the third...by the time we finished with the second movie it was well after 10. so it looks like sometime this week we will be going to see the third...
spent a long time with he yesterday, I didn't mind, I enjoy it like always, but as always there has to be a departure... a sad parting, least on my behalf...once again there was a long hug, I didn't want to let her go..we kissed goodbye and I left. I tell you, actually I don't know what to tell you, I've said it many times before, so why say it anymore, I can only love her, and there's nothing to that effect so just shut up and keep moving, right...
Sunday, January 04, 2004
Da Double Duece....
I will always be number two.
All my life I have been number two, ever since I was a child growing up in the ghetto of Lynwood. By the time I was 13 I had my theories about being a number two, and at times it really didn't bother me, it was my place...strive for first, get second, no problem. Hell, I even took it so far as to have number two on any jersey I may have worn for a sport. Second best was all I would, and could for that matter, ever amount to (two). Now that I'm older, I still rank in there as number two, and for the most part still doesn't bother me. I mean sure, there are times I really wished I was the second one, or third or fourth, why couldn't I be first on the list, but that's just how things work out I guess.
But the real question comes in, I am in no means involved with this, I cannot live a life of my own teachings, "those who can do, those who can't teach", call me a hypocrite, you try doing what I say in my shoes, it's not possible, but I'll guide you in your shoes.....so the real question is, should you by any means settle for second best, whether it's you settling for second yourself, or you picking up someone/something as second best? Basically, should you ever just settle, just cope with what you got, not strive for anything more, or settle with something that will always be second best to you. Why put yourself, and others through that....I suppose I'm really embarking on two different realms here, but I'll just go ahead and try to combine the two.
Well the answer to those should be a "no", and in most cases should be a no, but there's always conditions and circumstances where it's just better not to argue and accept (cope), but I'll say it should always be best not to settle, for everyone's sake.
But as for myself, I've accepted my fate, I'll always be bringing up the rear as number two. (I hope you all see that number two doesn't mean number two always, it could be number 7 for all I care, but I'm just getting at, if you aren't number one or the lead dog, the view is always the same, hate to spell it out for you, but I always feel the need.) I certainly know how to make somebody feel like number one, and then there are those who have the power to make me feel like number one, or feel more than that...but isn't it funny that those who have that influence, that supremacy over you, the one that makes you feel on top of it all, always controls your place at number two. Irony? Paradox? Ehh, give me a minute with it..
I will always be number two.
All my life I have been number two, ever since I was a child growing up in the ghetto of Lynwood. By the time I was 13 I had my theories about being a number two, and at times it really didn't bother me, it was my place...strive for first, get second, no problem. Hell, I even took it so far as to have number two on any jersey I may have worn for a sport. Second best was all I would, and could for that matter, ever amount to (two). Now that I'm older, I still rank in there as number two, and for the most part still doesn't bother me. I mean sure, there are times I really wished I was the second one, or third or fourth, why couldn't I be first on the list, but that's just how things work out I guess.
But the real question comes in, I am in no means involved with this, I cannot live a life of my own teachings, "those who can do, those who can't teach", call me a hypocrite, you try doing what I say in my shoes, it's not possible, but I'll guide you in your shoes.....so the real question is, should you by any means settle for second best, whether it's you settling for second yourself, or you picking up someone/something as second best? Basically, should you ever just settle, just cope with what you got, not strive for anything more, or settle with something that will always be second best to you. Why put yourself, and others through that....I suppose I'm really embarking on two different realms here, but I'll just go ahead and try to combine the two.
Well the answer to those should be a "no", and in most cases should be a no, but there's always conditions and circumstances where it's just better not to argue and accept (cope), but I'll say it should always be best not to settle, for everyone's sake.
But as for myself, I've accepted my fate, I'll always be bringing up the rear as number two. (I hope you all see that number two doesn't mean number two always, it could be number 7 for all I care, but I'm just getting at, if you aren't number one or the lead dog, the view is always the same, hate to spell it out for you, but I always feel the need.) I certainly know how to make somebody feel like number one, and then there are those who have the power to make me feel like number one, or feel more than that...but isn't it funny that those who have that influence, that supremacy over you, the one that makes you feel on top of it all, always controls your place at number two. Irony? Paradox? Ehh, give me a minute with it..
Saturday, January 03, 2004
I'll Be Lucky Not to Get Fired....
So yesterday we had to break 20 safety violations, whoops....yeah it was fun though...alright besides the standard climbing shelves and such, we had water guns..yeah water guns in the backroom...it was a complete blast. but the fun almost ended when wendy took one of the guns to get keith (bulk guy) and ended up breaking the gun...but three of us ganged up on keith with cups of water, oh it was good..water was every where....so if AP watches the security tapes from last night, yeah a large portion of us will be in trouble....oh yeah we had silly string too...great way to start off the new year!
So yesterday we had to break 20 safety violations, whoops....yeah it was fun though...alright besides the standard climbing shelves and such, we had water guns..yeah water guns in the backroom...it was a complete blast. but the fun almost ended when wendy took one of the guns to get keith (bulk guy) and ended up breaking the gun...but three of us ganged up on keith with cups of water, oh it was good..water was every where....so if AP watches the security tapes from last night, yeah a large portion of us will be in trouble....oh yeah we had silly string too...great way to start off the new year!
Here's What I Forgot.....
Alright, I made the pissyness blog about the first and forgot a crucial part of the whole thing.....we were talking about our new year's this and that, and I forgot what comment I made, but it resulted with wendy asking, "what you got some" or "you got a piece" "you got laid" "got your cock played with.." something along those lines, and I swear to you my response was something I've never said before, in fact I've always thought the opposite, but I responded with, "you know, I wish I had cuz then I wouldn't be this pissyass bitch I am now"...wow, never before have I thought sex was the answer to my anger, but damn, I guess I was so angry anything sounded good, always looking for an escape goat...
Alright, I made the pissyness blog about the first and forgot a crucial part of the whole thing.....we were talking about our new year's this and that, and I forgot what comment I made, but it resulted with wendy asking, "what you got some" or "you got a piece" "you got laid" "got your cock played with.." something along those lines, and I swear to you my response was something I've never said before, in fact I've always thought the opposite, but I responded with, "you know, I wish I had cuz then I wouldn't be this pissyass bitch I am now"...wow, never before have I thought sex was the answer to my anger, but damn, I guess I was so angry anything sounded good, always looking for an escape goat...
Friday, January 02, 2004
Fuuuuck You....
Well it's 12 hours later, and the pissyness has only festered into anger..yeah, nothing better than an angry angus...and though it may seem I'm cursing all of you, well I'm throwing myself into that mix as well. of course I bring this upon myself, as I have been saying, I am my own undoing..and the irony of that statement will only be unfolded for a much later date..and you know I ask myself why, why do I allow this..but it's just the way I am, sorry excuse, but it's true, it's just how I am, I'll never learn, and what I do learn, I won't put to work..."those who can do, those who can't teach..." but that's one of the truest statements possible...I'm offering my wisdom to those who encounter similar paths as to mine, but it is hardly heard, people have to learn for themselves, funny how we work like that. So my anger is here, hating the world right about...now...So whoever may read this, I'm sorry, the right people never read what I post for them, and the other half misinterpret what I say..my life is a farce one at that. I've got nothing here, and what is left isn't worth it, damn it all to hell, why do you do this....
Well it's 12 hours later, and the pissyness has only festered into anger..yeah, nothing better than an angry angus...and though it may seem I'm cursing all of you, well I'm throwing myself into that mix as well. of course I bring this upon myself, as I have been saying, I am my own undoing..and the irony of that statement will only be unfolded for a much later date..and you know I ask myself why, why do I allow this..but it's just the way I am, sorry excuse, but it's true, it's just how I am, I'll never learn, and what I do learn, I won't put to work..."those who can do, those who can't teach..." but that's one of the truest statements possible...I'm offering my wisdom to those who encounter similar paths as to mine, but it is hardly heard, people have to learn for themselves, funny how we work like that. So my anger is here, hating the world right about...now...So whoever may read this, I'm sorry, the right people never read what I post for them, and the other half misinterpret what I say..my life is a farce one at that. I've got nothing here, and what is left isn't worth it, damn it all to hell, why do you do this....
What Just Happened.....
Alright, I just woke up moments ago, and as I woke up, I felt the most depressed feeling possible, I almost felt like crying right upon waking up...as if I was upset I woke up to my life again....but the dream wasn't a good dream it was like a recap of the past couple days..nothing good really, just doing....but yeah, I awoke and felt terrible...only me...
Alright, I just woke up moments ago, and as I woke up, I felt the most depressed feeling possible, I almost felt like crying right upon waking up...as if I was upset I woke up to my life again....but the dream wasn't a good dream it was like a recap of the past couple days..nothing good really, just doing....but yeah, I awoke and felt terrible...only me...
So What's It All Worth....
please kick me harder, maybe I'll eventually learn....
A question I find myself asking more and more, something along the same lines of Tupac's, "Come on come on I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself, is life worth living should I blast myself?" though the rhyme scheme is pretty poor, still the message gets across. But as I was saying, my train of thought....it's funny how last night things started to look up, not really look up, but I was devising plans, buying more time, actually giving a damn about my life here, the determination to live, to continue, to succeed in some way was greater than it has been these past four months...what sparked all this, ehh who knows who cares, I know the answer but it really doesn't matter...but just as quick as this all was happening, the tide changed for the worse, well, where it was before.
just as quick as a disappointing phone call is hung up, I came out of my comatose like state of "everything is going to be fine", out of the hypnotic trance I put myself in, waking up to where I left off, and asking myself, what the hell were you thinking, don't even trouble yourself, stay where you are and drown...I know, harsh words, but they are from me, and well I always have had a way of saying bad/wrong things.
So is it some sort of irony that the one shining star that pulls you up is also the one to drag you down? or is this just once again part of the paradox in which I live..
**oh oh oh side story....I've been speaking of this paradoxal life I live a lot lately, well I go to Strack N Van Til and as I come back to my car I noticed I parked next to a car that had "paradoxal" wrote on the back window..how funny, and ironic, once again my life.....*****
but yeah, I've said it before, hate has to have some form of love and love has to have some form of hate to it....those who love and say they can't hate is totally untrue, one must have both positives and negatives, a heaven and a hell, love and hate, black and white, sweet and sour, so forth....and they say the farther you move on the extreme, the closer you are to the opposite side..like in politics, the extreme lefts are very similar to that of the extreme rights...so is it to have a perfect harmony one must contain the very thing from which it is not trying to be? it's not really a chaos theory, but it mixed enough to go along with some of the ideas.
so I guess when you say things you don't mean, in a way you did mean them, or maybe you just forgot what you meant by it, or you can only say it when you the opposite of what it was...whoa, too rambled.....
anyways, so I hope this can explain some things...like when you run from someone, you may be running away, yet you're still running to them in some fashion...why does it have to suck so much, why do I have to be like this, why..why...
Song Playing in my Head: Always Suffering - Rolling Stones
please kick me harder, maybe I'll eventually learn....
A question I find myself asking more and more, something along the same lines of Tupac's, "Come on come on I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself, is life worth living should I blast myself?" though the rhyme scheme is pretty poor, still the message gets across. But as I was saying, my train of thought....it's funny how last night things started to look up, not really look up, but I was devising plans, buying more time, actually giving a damn about my life here, the determination to live, to continue, to succeed in some way was greater than it has been these past four months...what sparked all this, ehh who knows who cares, I know the answer but it really doesn't matter...but just as quick as this all was happening, the tide changed for the worse, well, where it was before.
just as quick as a disappointing phone call is hung up, I came out of my comatose like state of "everything is going to be fine", out of the hypnotic trance I put myself in, waking up to where I left off, and asking myself, what the hell were you thinking, don't even trouble yourself, stay where you are and drown...I know, harsh words, but they are from me, and well I always have had a way of saying bad/wrong things.
So is it some sort of irony that the one shining star that pulls you up is also the one to drag you down? or is this just once again part of the paradox in which I live..
**oh oh oh side story....I've been speaking of this paradoxal life I live a lot lately, well I go to Strack N Van Til and as I come back to my car I noticed I parked next to a car that had "paradoxal" wrote on the back window..how funny, and ironic, once again my life.....*****
but yeah, I've said it before, hate has to have some form of love and love has to have some form of hate to it....those who love and say they can't hate is totally untrue, one must have both positives and negatives, a heaven and a hell, love and hate, black and white, sweet and sour, so forth....and they say the farther you move on the extreme, the closer you are to the opposite side..like in politics, the extreme lefts are very similar to that of the extreme rights...so is it to have a perfect harmony one must contain the very thing from which it is not trying to be? it's not really a chaos theory, but it mixed enough to go along with some of the ideas.
so I guess when you say things you don't mean, in a way you did mean them, or maybe you just forgot what you meant by it, or you can only say it when you the opposite of what it was...whoa, too rambled.....
anyways, so I hope this can explain some things...like when you run from someone, you may be running away, yet you're still running to them in some fashion...why does it have to suck so much, why do I have to be like this, why..why...
Song Playing in my Head: Always Suffering - Rolling Stones
Taking Many Pisses...
or am I just pissed....
Yeah, last night wasn't a good night for me...I was in a pissy type of mood, but it's a conditional pissyness if that's possible..I wasn't outright attacking everyone in sight, but if you were the wrong person and you came by me you got the outlash..kinda hard to explain..hell I don't even knowwhat brought about it, and as I said, it wasn't a constant thing, wel I suppose the demon burrowed inside was just festering, but I didn't show it all the time...hell, the way I dressed let people know I was in a good mood..yeah last night I had some target pj's on I got from brooke awhile back and I was wearing a nice orange hunters hat...going with the orange clan thing..anyways, I was relatively in a good mood, but certain things pissed me of and I let it get to me and let it out as well....
but like I said, it was a violent angry pissed, it was a fed up, what's it all worth pissed....hell I saw what was going on in the backroom and left to work on flow...yeah, me the anti "flow smells" flow person I am went out to work the floor..I was asked a couple times to come to the back, but I had already started several projects and were tending to them "screw the backroom" was shouted from me whenever I passed by the doors, ahh, fitting in with flow..
and even now, the end the my night/day, still in that mood..I swerved at the SUV that was all over the road a moment ago, bastards....
but on a lighter note, I punched out with 39 hours and still have to work tonight, and they are letting me work tonight, hell yes overtime....
or am I just pissed....
Yeah, last night wasn't a good night for me...I was in a pissy type of mood, but it's a conditional pissyness if that's possible..I wasn't outright attacking everyone in sight, but if you were the wrong person and you came by me you got the outlash..kinda hard to explain..hell I don't even knowwhat brought about it, and as I said, it wasn't a constant thing, wel I suppose the demon burrowed inside was just festering, but I didn't show it all the time...hell, the way I dressed let people know I was in a good mood..yeah last night I had some target pj's on I got from brooke awhile back and I was wearing a nice orange hunters hat...going with the orange clan thing..anyways, I was relatively in a good mood, but certain things pissed me of and I let it get to me and let it out as well....
but like I said, it was a violent angry pissed, it was a fed up, what's it all worth pissed....hell I saw what was going on in the backroom and left to work on flow...yeah, me the anti "flow smells" flow person I am went out to work the floor..I was asked a couple times to come to the back, but I had already started several projects and were tending to them "screw the backroom" was shouted from me whenever I passed by the doors, ahh, fitting in with flow..
and even now, the end the my night/day, still in that mood..I swerved at the SUV that was all over the road a moment ago, bastards....
but on a lighter note, I punched out with 39 hours and still have to work tonight, and they are letting me work tonight, hell yes overtime....
Thursday, January 01, 2004
HAPPY NEW YEAR YA'LL!!!
yeah right.....
So what happened yesterday, that question I am actually asking myself..could there be worse of a day? To be honest, it ranks up there with last year as being the worst New Year's ever, but it was salvaged since I was awoke for the time change..but let's explain, but I'd probably rather not....
Alright, well the day started off a little bit confusing, still uncertain of who was coming and where to meet, but I got on top of things and made a couple calls solving any problems that were then faced. I then came to find out Zach would not be making the treck up north to join us in the evening's activities....when was the last time he came up to see us, not on some family outing, but to see us....not to sound bitchy or anything, but then I could throw the, "how many times have we came down to see him.." but then the real question is, which is more of an inconvenience..anyways he wasn't coming, two dropped from the party list.
So as the day went on, I received more and more calls about last night, I tried to straighten everything out, though the details were a bit mixed, but I think everything got sorted out....but then disaster struck, well at least for me....I called Brooke at 5, like I said I was going to, and even though I was going to call before that something told me to wait, yet I knew 5 would be too late for some reason....well in fact it was, she was on the road to Indy..out of anger and spite towards one of my blog postings she got up and left...this hurt me, but what killed me was when she said, "and you know the ironic thing is that I wanted to and was going to spend the evening with you.." and more sentences explaining so...but it was the post that made her change her mind..as I've always said, "I am my own undoing.." so the fact that I ruined my own night plans, I was the cause of my own hurt, hurt even more....I remembered she said she just passed Lafayette and then I asked the unthinkable, I said I know it's a lot and may not be right, but would you turn around for me..you're only an hour away, just turn around...she would have nothing to do with it..then I begged and pleaded with her, she finally hung up the phone, and it either went into roam or she turned it off..I was devastated....
to upset with myself to throw a tantrum, to sad to cry, I did what I do best, had a short spasm then got in my car seeking civilization........I found myself at alco and weirdly enough talking to Sarah of all people. I got a voicemail in the process and it was Brooke apologizing, but I knew it wasn't going to fix anything, even though she apologized and we both felt bad, she was still heading to Indy and the even was lost forever...
so I found myself driving around, the long and slow route to vince's, the place we were supposed to meet at 7, I arrived shortly after 730 only after receiving phone calls and forced over...When I arrived Andy, ince and Elizabeth were the only ones there, so I suppose I wasn't too late...Dewes called saying he would be in town in 20 minutes, I told him the game plan and he said just call when we decide to go to jimmy's....that would be the last contact from him the entire night....Barcus arrived after 8 bringing with him his sister, Terressa, and her friend. But just as soon as they arrived they were gone, don't know where to, but gone none-the-less...we finally got word from jimmy at 9 and made our way over...in the process of heading to jimmy's I called all who was not with us to meet us there, like I said, dewes was never to be heard from again....
along the trip we picked up Toni Clapp and he gang of sarah, becca, and elyise...awkwardness and feelings of uncertainty were only intensified when barcus returned with Teresa and his sister, losing one of the previous ones along the way I suppose. They started watching old movies of highschool projects we were all involved in, but that only lasted for so long. Vince and Elizabeth got up and left the room, never to return....they fled to their car and made a break for it..andy followed suite moments later. After some TV watching and not much else was going on to my knowledge, Barcus and his gang got up and left, however they said goodbye before they left...it wasn't long after that toni's group decided to make a run for it as well..so there it was, jimmy and me, what in the hell happened....
confused as to what the fuck was going on, we made our way back to vince's...we were both disgruntled and upon arriving asked if we should leave our jackets on because we might be moving again in 20 minutes....anyways we killed the remaining hour of the year there...sat around watched various people play video games, danced on DDR and then with 10 minutes remaining watched a very crappy countdown on Fox...Then we brought in the New Year with our "resolutions" and closed it with an hour long session of reading ghost stories from elizabeth's book.
Dewes never showed up (fifth time I've mentioned that..) Barcus never came around again, we changed our location enough to have mini-convoys to end the year, zach and anne weren't up, I was left kissing vince's brothers..it's where I should have been, but yet at the same time shouldn't have, least not without her. so once again I ring in a new year, still not up to any grandiose scale, but not the worst, ranking close, at least I know she wanted to spend the night with me....2003 sucked, terrible number terrible year....let's hope this one is a little better than, but as I can tell from how it was brought in, it will be similar to last year....but thanks to all who I was with, it would have been hell without you..and things are only as bad as you make them to be, and sadly I let things be bad, I should have gotten trashed....
yeah right.....
So what happened yesterday, that question I am actually asking myself..could there be worse of a day? To be honest, it ranks up there with last year as being the worst New Year's ever, but it was salvaged since I was awoke for the time change..but let's explain, but I'd probably rather not....
Alright, well the day started off a little bit confusing, still uncertain of who was coming and where to meet, but I got on top of things and made a couple calls solving any problems that were then faced. I then came to find out Zach would not be making the treck up north to join us in the evening's activities....when was the last time he came up to see us, not on some family outing, but to see us....not to sound bitchy or anything, but then I could throw the, "how many times have we came down to see him.." but then the real question is, which is more of an inconvenience..anyways he wasn't coming, two dropped from the party list.
So as the day went on, I received more and more calls about last night, I tried to straighten everything out, though the details were a bit mixed, but I think everything got sorted out....but then disaster struck, well at least for me....I called Brooke at 5, like I said I was going to, and even though I was going to call before that something told me to wait, yet I knew 5 would be too late for some reason....well in fact it was, she was on the road to Indy..out of anger and spite towards one of my blog postings she got up and left...this hurt me, but what killed me was when she said, "and you know the ironic thing is that I wanted to and was going to spend the evening with you.." and more sentences explaining so...but it was the post that made her change her mind..as I've always said, "I am my own undoing.." so the fact that I ruined my own night plans, I was the cause of my own hurt, hurt even more....I remembered she said she just passed Lafayette and then I asked the unthinkable, I said I know it's a lot and may not be right, but would you turn around for me..you're only an hour away, just turn around...she would have nothing to do with it..then I begged and pleaded with her, she finally hung up the phone, and it either went into roam or she turned it off..I was devastated....
to upset with myself to throw a tantrum, to sad to cry, I did what I do best, had a short spasm then got in my car seeking civilization........I found myself at alco and weirdly enough talking to Sarah of all people. I got a voicemail in the process and it was Brooke apologizing, but I knew it wasn't going to fix anything, even though she apologized and we both felt bad, she was still heading to Indy and the even was lost forever...
so I found myself driving around, the long and slow route to vince's, the place we were supposed to meet at 7, I arrived shortly after 730 only after receiving phone calls and forced over...When I arrived Andy, ince and Elizabeth were the only ones there, so I suppose I wasn't too late...Dewes called saying he would be in town in 20 minutes, I told him the game plan and he said just call when we decide to go to jimmy's....that would be the last contact from him the entire night....Barcus arrived after 8 bringing with him his sister, Terressa, and her friend. But just as soon as they arrived they were gone, don't know where to, but gone none-the-less...we finally got word from jimmy at 9 and made our way over...in the process of heading to jimmy's I called all who was not with us to meet us there, like I said, dewes was never to be heard from again....
along the trip we picked up Toni Clapp and he gang of sarah, becca, and elyise...awkwardness and feelings of uncertainty were only intensified when barcus returned with Teresa and his sister, losing one of the previous ones along the way I suppose. They started watching old movies of highschool projects we were all involved in, but that only lasted for so long. Vince and Elizabeth got up and left the room, never to return....they fled to their car and made a break for it..andy followed suite moments later. After some TV watching and not much else was going on to my knowledge, Barcus and his gang got up and left, however they said goodbye before they left...it wasn't long after that toni's group decided to make a run for it as well..so there it was, jimmy and me, what in the hell happened....
confused as to what the fuck was going on, we made our way back to vince's...we were both disgruntled and upon arriving asked if we should leave our jackets on because we might be moving again in 20 minutes....anyways we killed the remaining hour of the year there...sat around watched various people play video games, danced on DDR and then with 10 minutes remaining watched a very crappy countdown on Fox...Then we brought in the New Year with our "resolutions" and closed it with an hour long session of reading ghost stories from elizabeth's book.
Dewes never showed up (fifth time I've mentioned that..) Barcus never came around again, we changed our location enough to have mini-convoys to end the year, zach and anne weren't up, I was left kissing vince's brothers..it's where I should have been, but yet at the same time shouldn't have, least not without her. so once again I ring in a new year, still not up to any grandiose scale, but not the worst, ranking close, at least I know she wanted to spend the night with me....2003 sucked, terrible number terrible year....let's hope this one is a little better than, but as I can tell from how it was brought in, it will be similar to last year....but thanks to all who I was with, it would have been hell without you..and things are only as bad as you make them to be, and sadly I let things be bad, I should have gotten trashed....
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