Itís HereÖ
November that isÖ

Well I just came to the conclusion that whatís going on now is almost an exact repeat of last NovemberÖawesome, letís watch.

For those of you who knew me last November, those were some good times..riiight. For those who were somehow involved with it last time - whether it was the cause of, or just watched it first-hand ñ maybe you can recollect what it took last time to get me out of this slumpÖ

I canít predict how badly this will all go; I would like to say that whatever doesnít kill you just makes you stronger..and just like when you burn your fingertips on hot plates, the first time it kills..but then, the more it happens, you just become accustomed to it ñ you build up some sort of tolerance to itÖI would like to think so in this case as well..

I mean last time there were a lot of factors involved, there were several parties, whether they knew it or not, a lot of things working against each other to make the outcome like it was. This time, a lot less variables and maybe, even maybe there might be some positive upstrokes occurring at the time as wellÖ.but you also have to note under what circumstances we are working under....the ìknown existenceî factor is on the complete opposite side of what it was before..

So when, where, and how everything will fall is beyond me ñ Iíll just keep doing the things I do to put me into situations such as this..and one day that syringe will bail me outÖ

I just see us as friends..

I can only see us as friends..

I still want to be friends..

I still want to hang out - and do everything we did before - but draw the line at friends..

I enjoy hanging out with you, watching movies with you, cooking with you, etc - but this time just as friends..

I just need ìmyî time..

I need to be single - I havenít been single for a looong time..










- Is there anything I can do to make you not sad, to make this better?
- Ummm, how ëbout the opposite of everything you just said..

I told you so..
I told you so..

I told you so..


I told you so..

I told you so..

I told you so..

I told you so..

I told you so..

I told you so..




And yes, those are all the accounts on which I told myself so currentlyÖ








We are now in Standby for Breakdown, commence when ready..

So I didn't go into work today. I was scheduled a double, but now I have as much time off as I need...this could take awhile

In other news I wasted the day away, continuing to drink ... starting at 1..passing out at 3 til 5 and regaining my marathon series by switching the discs over to MacGyver...

Talked to Brooke today, called her in some random moment..she kept checking in on me to make sure I was ok....but that was all before the boozing started...

Elizabeth came home, we went to Brave New Deli for dinner..and surprsing how one cup of soup filled me up tonight...

Continued with the drinking, continued with the MacGyver, continued with my horrible existence and confusion.

Started to watch some Unsolved Mysteries and then Elizabeth got a phone call..and I made a phone call...wondering if Mindy had any intention on actually calling me today like my note pleaded for.

We spoke, I asked if we were going to talk..I got the "talk about what..what's there to talk about" rant

Obviously she doesn't care about me, and never really did for that matter...she's out right now with her friends

I also made some other phone calls...I traced my problems back to Alaina..called her, she didn't answer, rightfully so, so I left a message condemning her for all the actions taking place and resulting on march 17th..saint patty's day..

Had it not been for her, I would have never left the house, never had directions to get to the party..and this..this would never have happened.....

But would I be a better person?

Worst Wednesday
Ever.

So you'd think, with me not working, a project finally completed that my day would be a day of rest and relaxation, but oh how that's never the case.

The day started out to be productive..I was cleaning up the place, putting things into place..then just after I broke some glass in my room Mindy called to tell me that the CD I made her stopped working after track 8..so I quickly made another copy and headed over..leaving the glass..

I got there after noonish, I stayed as she listened to the rest of the CD. She looked up the lyrics for all the songs while I was on my way over, something that wasn't supposed to happen, but I forgave her since the cd was ruined by the glue to hold the cd cover..

And then I just stayed with her..we hung out..went to Tortilla Flats with Will for our lunch, which wasn't that good...came back to her house, watched TV, then went to Target...

So everything has been fine up to this point, and I was actually thinking things would get back onto track with us, hanging out and all...and it gets better in my head when she says she doesn't really want to go out with her ritualistic Wednesday Half PriceIWine Gang..I'm thinking, awesome, I finally get to spend a night with her like old times, maybe we can work out the rest of the kinks and it'll be clear sailing....

So she calls, tells them she doesn't feel like going out, but then in some twist of events they tell her they are coming to pick her up..and she decides to go..as do I. she gets off the phone and tells me she's going..I pull out my keys and tell her I'm going as well..she thinks it is a little sudden and I just straight out tell her there's nothing left for me here...at no point did she ever invite me out to the wine thing, and I felt cheated by this..this stealing of my night with her...

So I peal out (though not really peal out, my car is incapable of doing so since it now has the "right" power system in it..) So I get home, slightly in tears, holdinI back as much as I can..I peak into Elizabeth's room and I notice she's crying as well...so I walk in to get her attention, proceed to chuckle as I state how I liked the fact that we were both in the same kind of mood...I then call amber, who was also crying and then I realize just what a wonderfully rockin' Wednesday it really was..after all that settles I send a text message to mindy saying how I was a fool, and now upset..no reply..I'm thinking she can no longer receive text messages since she has yet replied to any that I have sent in the past couple of days..so an hour later I give a call..no answer.. and leave a message...

then I start drinking while watching High Fidelity..good choice huh...so 2:30 rolls around, no call, and my drunk ass decides to call her and see what the hell is up...she's still out but just about to head home...and she drank, which in the grand scheme of things pissed me off more, seeings how she said she didn't want to drink..but then she did..and I was unable to control any rational emotions in the state I was in..laying on the floor of my closet...

So she gets home and calls me, whether she had intentions on calling me that night or not before I called I'll never know. I wanted to talk in person, which I really didn't want to go to her for..me thinking on the right side for once...and she doesn't drive after one alcoholic beverage, even though she was fine to drive, that's her rule....anyways, I couldn't let her know of the state I was in, so I just usedIsome other excuses, which by all means were true..I was dressed for bed, and was in bed, and had to make sure my roommate was up at seven seeings how she passed out on the living room floor without an alarm...

So I finally crack and tell her we need talk, whether on the phone or not, we just have to..so we did..and it was retarded.

I'll throw out some stupid fucking cliche lines such as "I just want to be friends" "I think that's all we can be" "I still want to hang out with you" "please I don't want this to be awkward at work" and so forth...

And just as I am stunned by all this, trying to "sell" this relationship to her (in my mind that is) she decides after a little bit to finish this tomorrow...this coming after I tell her I'm not coming into work because I don't want to see her, I can't handle this all right now, how we never even gave the "relationship" a chance, it's not going to work out, yadda yadda yadda...

I was too worked up to go to sleep, yet too alcohol settled complacentence to go for a walk...I just laid in bed til the final restlessness was kicked out of me and I went to sleep...

Broken..
Computers, hearts, idealsÖ

From the looks of things, itís not gonna be goodÖ.

So I have made myself a project, with it a timeline, though it really doesnít matter, isnít imperative onto anyoneís existence, but more likely destructive..whatever, itís stupid..and youíll get your copy.

So after work I wound down meeting two coworkers for lunch, driving around in a convertible no less? Whatever, after that break from things, I got right into action..went out and got a new burning program seeings how mine all suck, yes even Nero, which I have promoted since the ages, but whatever, it only likes MP3 files and doesnít not allow for any sort of transitioning or blendingÖ

So then I got home, and worked on getting the right tracks on the disc, in the order I wanted, along with all the blends and everythingÖthen I started working on a label? Yeah, so there was this label creator option..iíve never done that before but why not..letís step up my game, as if my normal compilations CDís donít rock shit as it is, letís good all balls out and make a cover for this shit!

Well my only problem is, I donít have a printer, in fact this house doesnít have a printer in it at all..and all my colligate buds are back homeÖwell ironically enough Mindy calls me, asking me about my pink jacket..so then I ask her if I could actually use her computer, of course she has no problem with thisÖ

So I eventually make my way over there and as I get into her room thereís this stigma in the air, her roommate is on her bed, mindy at her computer and myself just standing thereÖI felt like something was up, like, ìwhat the fuck is HE doing here..î

So I get on the computer, and thereís a problem..the CD I put in the drive isnít starting up..and then I try to go to ìMy Computerî and there isnít a single CD on this thing..now, just to give you a run-down, I installed a CD-RW into her good computer out of her old computer..but now, neither drive is workingÖ

So everything of mine is now on hold. I must fix this problem that I am sure I createdÖ.it gets better when I ask for a screw driver to open the case..she tells me to get it out of the little chest at the bottom of the stairs..i go down to search for it and low and behold, what do I findÖthe present I gave her one week priorÖ

--I was on a break from working a double at the OG on this particular TuesdayÖI stopped by, because I wanted to see mindy, and I also had a little present for her from my recent region trip. I went inside her place, handed her the gift, she got excited and literally in the same motion without hesitation threw it to the side. Now let me explain, we were standing next to the stairs, and that is where she tosses everything for itís ìon the way upî place..but still, I was in shock, and she was like, did I really just throw thatÖ

so back to today, I come a week later and the gift was still in the same place it was left..awesomeÖI just put it back in my pocket and wondered was this CD project really worth it? The only reason why I stayed is because I needed to fix her computer..well that and I really did want to get this CD done and over with..i kept saying to myself earlier how it would go into the pile of the greatest things I never didÖ

Well needless to say I never got the computer back to normal..it was nearing 2 when I gave up on everything and decided to leave, mindy was getting ready for bed anyways..but the walk to the door was probably the worst part of the entire day..knowing I was leaving, not staying, not going to join her in a nightís sleep, knowing I was going to an empty bed, and would wake up alone, instead of fighting off the heat.

I got to my car struggling..it took me longer than it should have to get inside, and once the door closed the tears formed and rolled. Quickly I jerked my head and made myself stop, stop the foolishness. I asked what purpose did I have for those actionsÖwhat main reason was big enough to cause that..sure many little things built up at that pointÖbut there was no reason, least I didnít want there to beÖ

I got home, sent some text messages, apologizing for the breaking of her computer, and tried to go to sleep..as I laid in my bed, tears started to reform, and again I was quick to dismiss them based on ignorance. Part of me wanted to call someone to talk to..but the other part thought it was way too lame..there was nothing to say, nobody would want to hear it, donít bother with other peopleís time ñ especially at 230 in the morning. So I cursed myself to sleep.













"computer restart noise.."

Father What?
Hoosier Daddy?

A holiday Iíve never recognized, not with family, extended family, or friendsÖ

I worked just this morning, which was fine by me, especially after what happened at work the few hours I was there. In retrospect I did say it didnít matter what kind of day I would have to end the week, the night prior I made $170, twenty of that from the morning, the rest all from the night shiftÖ

But I had a mere five tables all dayÖthree during the rush for about 2 hours, and then got double sat after that, once the lobby was emptyÖthat was enough for me to actually vocalize my distain to the hosts. I had my favorite section, chianti 3 ñ my middle table was moved over to join a party, which I wasnít apart of. So I still had two tables remaining, both booths..one a two top, the other a classic four. However I still only saw one table at a time during this entire rush period.

I originally took post at my normal spot ñ at the POS terminal at the in door..and I told the hosts, whenever you go ahead and seat me, just turn the corner and let me know, so that they can get greeted in a timely fashion since I was not moving at allÖbut then I finally got sat, and I didnít feel like sitting there anymore, my absentminded state figured it would be beneficial to run food for the restaurant. And I did just that. There was one point where tom, who was expoíing, asked if I had any tables, I told him just one, he was astonished.

And then once the rush was gone, business had declined, cuts were to be made, the back door opening..i get double sat, for no reason. So after I got my guests settled with salad or whathave you, I went to the host stand and put in my compliant. I even went so far as to tell them I was not going to take another table for the rest of my shift (I wasnít a closer, so this really shouldnít have been a problem) and the funny thing was, the hosts understood my pain, and were ok with my statements..whateverÖ

Until..christine, who was the impeccable seater last night who kept me full and inturn allowed me to make as much as I did, tried to seat meÖthey didnít want me open table, so she took them to a booth just round from my section and asked if I could pick them up..she was there for my ìno seat meî rantÖbut I think she was just trying to keep me full again like she did for me last nightÖgranted this is 3:30, and I am for whatever reason still on the floor.

So I greet the table, get their drinks, and am literally pissed as hell..so as I am walking away to get them a kiddy menu, Mindy (of all peopleÖ) comes up to me, and asks if I am taking that table or what..well it turns out that table is in her section..and sheís a closerÖso why did the hosts ask me to pick it up..because theyíre fucking retardedÖ

Mindy took the table, I donít know whether to be nice since she saw how pissed I was, or just because it was supposed to be hersÖwhatever the case it was off my back and I got out of there moments later.

Moving MondayÖ
Here today, gone todayÖ

Canít really talk too much, in the middle of this tremendous move..

Alright, just some quick info..got a place to live in over the weekend..went to work this morning, and it just came to me as Matt walked by that he had a newly purchased SUV..so when I asked if he wouldnít mind helping me move just two items, he asked if I worked tonight, I didnít, so he LENT me his vehicle for the night..this thing isnít even plated yet..are you kidding me?

So yeah, I moved basically everying, with little help from anyone, but a lot has been switched over..and set into place as wellÖ

Another 48 Hours..
and we do it all again

Another week down..more overtime..but tomorrow's another week...

as I clocked out today at 4:30, I was officially at 48 hours, funny no...but what is funnier is the fact that they asked me to bus tonight..I told them I would only if they couldn't find anyone else..I started to feel somewhat bad about being so vagrantly in OT..and then getting twelve dollars and hour to bus..I just couldn't deal with that kind of pressure....

so I returned back here...didn't know quite what to do, then I randomly fell asleep...woke up, started going through paperwork..and yeah

then craziness happened...everything was a blur for three seconds, the most intense three seconds ever, but it happened and half was a lie, so we're all good....

in light of all that, tried to talk to Mindy, but we had a slight scuffle, wherein I was playing a major ass, feeling "sorry" for interrupting her talking to someone else when she was the one who called me back...I left a message saying, world's colliding, people's lives are at stake, call when you get a chance..then she calls, talks for a couple minutes, then tells me she'll call me later because she's in the middle of another conversation....are you kidding..fuck that...so I just hung up the phone..I fucking hate bitches...bitches in the sense of those types of bitches..the normal type of bitches that people hate, I like...like Kendall, love her to death...

anyways...so now I am trying to figure out what to do..just got off the phone with Amber...played the guitar..feeling somewhat artsy..but don't know what to do..paint? go for a walk...but nothing is really on my mind to talk about..and there's nobody left to talk to...maybe I'm just excited about moving..but that will be four seconds of short-lived happiness..then I'll realize I'm living in the same town, with the same people, work at the same place, and will inevitably go home to the same person I don't want to...awesome...

so this is where I am, it's half past midnight, I've typed in my blog as my artsy thing to do..and now..go to sleep?? I've got an early start tomorrow..breakfast and all...and my double..and who knows what else....












"kill me now kill me now kill me now kill me now..."

It's the First...
..in several ways...

ahhh, a day off...I forgot what those were like..not so much....

So today was my day off, the first day off since last Monday...thirteen or so shifts later and here I am now...I had a "good" evening last night, you know, wanting to go out is good right? and in light of everything that went on last night (the little alcohol I had and the mass debating, or rather discussions) coupled with the fact I got to sleep in, I did just that..I slept in....

I didn't really accomplish much...I did call BankfuckingOne about my god damned title for my car...I didn't get my oil changed though, the coupon expired yesterday...but I did do my laundry..and I did buy more undershirts and black socks...and I did price my camera to get repaired...and I even went ot Kroger to Rock My Thirst...but it wasn't until 8 or so when I realized today was the day that I actually had set aside for other things...so now I am a little upset, but what can you do..

but check it out, this will be my second post for the day..I accomplished one when I woke up, how bout that for not doing anything..yeah, that's what I thought..

so that's basically it..I think I'll stay in tonight, I did try to go miniature golfing, but they stopped taking golfers at 8:15 for some lame reason, so I knew none of my girls would have time to get ready...so I was left with nothing...Mindy called me a little bit ago to invite me over for some cook-out thing with her and some co-workers...god, I really hate people...especially the ones I work with, I just don't get it..you see them at work, do you really need to see them outside of that place? whatever, they can all get food poisoning for all I care..

and on that note I'm going to watch a movie...have anything in mind..Dave?













"wake up wake up wake up, it's the first of the month...so get up get up get up..."