The Year En Review - 2011

The Good..
The Bad..

Well, actually, mostly bad...

I've actually been looking forward to this post for what is probably a week now..anytime it came to mind I'd have to stop myself in those thoughts..I didn't want to review the year before the year was actually coming to a close..

Before we dissect 2011 we must first go back to where 2010 left off. Of course 2010 had it's up and it's downs, but, in all essence it left on such a positive note, things were looking up for me. I was in a relationship with a girl, with whom I loved. I knew my countdown for my last days at work by the second. I was looking ahead to doing something I actually wanted to do. On my last day of the year I finally cut those golden locks I'd been growing out for the better part of the year. And even though I turned around on my way to that Playboy party in Chicago, I think I spent it where I needed to - though, Playboy Parties have always done me right..something said don't go..maybe it was because I got off of my fill-in position too late, maybe because..I don't know, but I turned around...and even though I had no alternate plan, even though as I almost passed out at my place..I made something happen, and it was good.

2010 left on a good note, and I was really looking forward to 2011 and all that it could bring, boy was I in for a surprise. January I made a trip out to Cali, only my second ever, to see a girl. And as great of a trip it was, it was horrible as well. It made me question every little thing that led up to that moment in my life..what was I doing..why hadn't I moved out to Cali before this..whats the fucks...things really didn't explode until a week or so after that visit.

In February I blew the transmission on my beloved 3000GT, which, even though I had master planned out to work to the very minuet detail, I would soon find out in months to come that it was a bigger headache than it really was then. I also said my goodbyes at several parties, packed up my things one more time, got on that plane heading west, and on Valentine's Day stood on those yellow footprints.

The next three months were..for lack of a better term, ridiculous. I remember just trying to get by every day, thinking of my life I once had...those memories became more and more fuzzy as the days continued on. Apparently Charlie Sheen went crazy, there was an Earthquake in Japan, Osama was killed, Rebecca Black sang about Friday, and probably some other stuff, who really knows..

Graduation came on a Friday the thirteenth...my friends showed up, I saw my girlfriend, and we all spent the weekend in San Diego..a place I had been for 13 weeks without ever seeing. I got 10 days off, saw my family..saw friends...but then it was back to MCT, or Boot Camp Part 2..and from there..it only got worse...It was three more weeks of that crap before I entered, easily, hands down, no objection, the worst part of the year..Guard Duty. It may have only been 4 weeks but it seemed like an eternity (Four weeks?! That was it?! Even as I type that it doesn't seem right..If my life were to flash before my eyes, 80% of it would be Guard memories...)...if Boot Camp and everything else didn't make me lose myself, this did. I will probably bet that it is safe to say that Guard was the worst part of my Marine Career..already gonna say it...there it is.

From there it was August and to school in Virginia I went. One more month of just trying to get by, just trying to be done with all this crap and 'student status' and being treated like a petulant problematic stepchild.

I survived the Earthquake and the Hurricane that 'rocked' that area, and on September 1st, I was back in Cali..where I thought I wanted to be. I remember selecting the West coast, hoping to get stationed in Cali so that me and the now former girlfriend could be closer together. (And besides, my choices were Japan, West Coast, and East Coast..nothing appealed to me about Florida or DC at the time.)

Ever since I've been out here I've been struggling with a lot of things. For the longest time I didn't know what was going on, why I didn't feel right. I couldn't get a grip on things, I couldn't find my niche, I couldn't find people, I couldn't find where I belonged...what I really was missing was, myself.

I know that only on a couple of occasions did I actually freak out on my friends for not being out here, with the root of it being because I was out here, yet, I really wasn't. I was a mere shell of a person with no identity..an empty tabernacle. I had been living off of what was given to me from the Corps, with some minor additions I purchased along the way..two C-Bags worth of crap..I had nothing.

Over Thanksgiving I was able to make a trip back to Indy, my first time back since mid May. I filled my bags with as much stuff of mine as I could take with me - at the airport both bags were over 50 pounds...and my carry on was around 35.

Since that point I've started to ease myself back into myself (that sounded so sexual..), a rediscovery of who I was in a sense, trying to make me me again...the me everyone knew me as before I went away at the beginning of the year. And it would be during this reaffirmation when things would backfire for me, backfire in such a way that it seemed almost as if I was being punished for doing the right thing.

So I sit here, on this Eve of the New Year reflecting back on all those things that happened and seeing how the bad really outweighs any good this year..and any good that I tried to have, only ended up being bad somehow.

Other news in 2011 I took a virginity, my girlfriend broke up with me, I spent way too much on car issues, I met a girl who I thought could be the difference, I was given the worst slander ever, I rushed the field after UofM (finally) beat OSU, I started drinking heavily, had to stop working out because something popped in my head, and who really knows/cares what else..

If anything 2011 sucked, a lot, leaving me to hope for a better 2012...because it would take an awful lot to make 2012 suck any more than 2011..and besides, the world is supposed to end in 2012 so we got that to look forward to right?

Who are we kidding, we know the world doesn't end in 2012, Marty travels to 2015 and back..









"You know 2011 is just a two and a zero with two middle fingers right?"

Bad Boys Bad Boys

whatcha gonna do..
whachta gonna do when they are you?

Nobody wants to be the bad person, but sometimes you are..and you just can't admit it.

They say winners write history, and it's true. The winners are always prevailed to be the "good guys", but think about it the other way; had the other guys won, those bad guys would have been the heroes. When recanting the story of your life, or any story involving your life, you never want to be the bad guy; you tell "your" side of the story; you tell your friends who are obviously on your side; ultimately you are playing the victim card.

Guess what, you are the bad guy, just in someone else's story.

I'm not the typical friend some would say - as much as I'd drop everything for someone (even someone who turned their back on me) I won't play the typical friend card...as in, I'll tell it like it is, tell you the truth, say what your friends want to say but are too afraid to say it. In that sense I'll call people out like it's a hobby, in fact, I may as well add that to my FB hobbies list...

As the story goes I was calling out this flake of a friend who, for the life of her, could never organize plans to get together (let's not even get into the fact how bad of a text replyer she was...) Well after a random text from me she replies back, telling me that I make her feel like a bad person. I chuckle, and as the smile set in across my face i replied back. "I tell a non-fiction recalling your actions, and if those words upset you maybe you should go back to the source, yourself" Of course this did not go over well..not to bore you with the details, she tried to defend herself, bla bla bla...people will come up with reasons to not do something, as i always say, there's always a million reasons to not do something...I'm glad that others read my blog because that does remind me of a side story where someone once said, "if there's anything you taught me during our relationship it's if something is important you'll find a way.." Ok, we are way off topic..

Back to feeling like a bad person...she didn't feel like a bad person when she did those things, or rather not did those things...but it wasn't until someone kicked open the door in her head and called her out on it (I just like the visual of kicking her in her head..) And I know why she said it, same reason anyone says it, they start to see the truth, but heaven forbid they be the bad person, so they try to turn the tables onto you..call you manipulative, saying how badly you make them feel by saying that..and while most people would cave, I stand by my statements...not only have you fucked me over in the past, but you're going to try and make me the bad guy for getting upset over it?!

That's just some straight up bull.

And so when you go back to your friends, and continue to talk the shit about me, continuing to make me out to be the bad guy..you'll only be lying to yourself. Heck, when I tell a story and someone thinks the other person is the bad guy I am usually sticking up for that other person..but that's me...and I'm not as bad a person as you make me out to be.

Ironically enough, I was typing all this up when I received a text, late night 1am text, from a friend needing to vent. My friend wanted to talk to, as they said, verbatim, a 'sane' person...I scoffed and had to reply back asking "ME?!" followed with questioning whether or not I was the last on the list...my friend replied back telling me I was more sane than I give myself credit for...I say "I'm on the verge of k-exert deleted-f and you're calling me sane?!" And I get this as a response "You might have your own problems but you deal with others' well" ...

And that reminded me of a lot of things...How just earlier that same day another friend with whom I rarely speak to was having a rough day, or so they posted, and I texted to see what was up...and in fact that happened two days ago as well..and then it comes back to one of the greatest compliments I was ever indirectly given...

This goes back to my first year at CP...A friend who was also a current co-worker was having a random chat with a previous co-worker of mine on a lunch break or something...amoung the random discussions somehow I was brought up into the conversation, maybe the current co-worker asked the previous one what it was like to work with the Jangus..and this is what was said, "Jangus is a great guy..you just know that..because...he could have twenty of his own things going on and you'd ask him for help...and then he'd have 21." When my friend told me that, I was shocked...shocked because this previous co-worker of mine wasn't a buddy, I was never close with, heck, I probably kept my distance...but the fact that they recognized that, that I stood out in that way...that's what blew my mind.

So you see..I can be that deleted excerpt from your life, maybe a footnote, or a brief mention...heck, maybe I will get mentioned as the horrible person that ruined your life or some random crap you like to spill from your lips..but the truth of the matter is, I'm not..I'm not that guy...I'm not the bad guy...However, I am your escape goat. I'm what you manifest your own badness into so you, in your own story, can be the victim, the hero, the good guy.

It's not my fault I'm 'bad'....afterall, you made me this way...








"<3"

You...

make..
me..

sick...

And not in the good way sick either, if there even is such a thing..I'm talking about the type of sickness that births fire from my core and lets it burst out in a rage of furry...the type of sickness that makes me want to punch something..the type of sickness that makes me hate you.

It sickens me to see you getting your jollies like you are...duping those all around you. Fuck, I was called manipulative once, but you, you sir take the fucking cake. Playing with other's emotions isn't cool..so sit there in your "heartbreak" fessing over how you can't go further, when in reality you just hop from new person to new person..your nickname should be Tigger with all the bouncing you do.

But it's cool, being a social butterfly is one thing, doing what you do is another. I was right to say "I remember the way you told me you loved me - how the words would slip off your tongue so smoothly. But maybe that was only because you had said it so many times. Not only to me, but to others. I don't know what made me realize that maybe it wasn't all a lie."

At least my lies were actually the truth...and my bullshit doesn't sting as badly as yours..

...so, look who's the liar now.










"A friend to all is a friend to none...."

Bitch/Shut Up

sometimes..

some people..

just need to know when to..

if you're wondering if i'm doing alright, i'm not. I don't feel so much like do this, let alone anything at the moment, but I'm getting behind. I almost wrote up a blog last night, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm also glad for something else, but we'll get to that in a minute.

Last night was really bad for me - in all actuality it was an accumulation of the weekend with a short hiccup of positivity on Christmas that left me in the sad state I was in last night. Normally I can do a pretty good job of holding back on those emotions, but last night was one of those rare exceptions.

I was in a state of vulnerability, crying, and about to venture down the rabbit hole of my life with anyone that would have listened..let's just say it was really bad..

I'm also thankful for living on the west coast, though i find that in itself is a double edged sword. I make my calls to friends, and they all happen to be in a time that's three hours ahead - lucky for the both of us really. As much as I need someone to talk to, as much as I just want a shoulder to cry on..I don't..as I mentioned before, I don't want to go that far down the rabbit hole..I don't want to let people in on that side of me, the details, the reality of things...

I did get through to one person however, only because they too are here in Cali, so the midnight calls aren't that extreme. I was reluctant to call this person, I didn't want to bother this person with my troubles, i knew better, i knew they didn't need that, but..tears make you do funny things.

I called and my friend answered, which actually said/meant a lot to me. I played it off cool at first, but we both knew there was a reason for my call..and I started to break down...I would like to say talking helped, but it didn't..i know my friend said that they cared and wanted to listen, but i think once things got heavy they 'had to go' - story of my life.

So nothing was accomplished or resolved...and those emotions are just on a lunch break..soon to strike up again.unless something happens or changes. and lord knows i won't dare get that emo on here..

this blog has been pretty much a waste of space..both your time and my time..honestly i wonder if it would really make a difference if i quit this or not..or anything for that matter..

i knew better than to bother anyone..









"it's not about the odds, it's about believing she represents something…hope"

I

fucking
miss

you.

I was gonna write out everything...about how I missed you..about what you mean to me..about how you make me feel..about, everything..but instead..I got nothing..literally nothing...not you..not words..not a thing.

I realized this all again, tonight...even with a short phone call it stirred my heart, brought life to those feelings, and now I sit here in an emotional dust storm, alone.

Mon cœur s'ouvre à ta voix

Connect the Dots

Co-

In..

cidence...

There's so much to say right now..and no way to really say it. I can't focus on just one topic. It's amazing how life will just blindside you left and right..as soon as you start thinking one way, BOOM (goes the dynamite) , your attention is over here now..

That's kinda how I feel at the moment..no way to really get down into it..Should I sit here and type everything out it would be an excruciating long blog..and more than likely I'd just tire out mid-way.

Coincidences..what about them? Do things really happen for a reason, or are the events just happen-chance, connected yet not meaningful? Because I believe in Big Grandiose things, I believe in Love, Ghosts, God, Aliens, Good in People, and Coincidences, just to name a few...I believe in a lot of uplifting things come to think about it....I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing..here I am striving to believe in all these good things, but when they don't happen or get proven else-wise I'm just let down..

I had to go to work today on my day off, but as soon as I got there I find out I don't need to be there til midnight, awesome. So I hit up the grocery store and go about my business. On my way home I make a stop at the Church right by my house - I want to know when the Xmas Service is going to be held, see if they need volunteers, etc. So I stop and walk around, notice there's some people around..then more people...then I get passed a pamphlet..and then a candle..and then there's a donkey..and I piece it altogether as I hear someone on a megaphone start speaking in Spanish...

Naturally I'm the only white person there but I feel I should/need to stay..I feel like it would be disrespectful to just up and leave, yet, my Spanish sucks..sooo yeah. Needless to say I stayed, I took it as a sign..I've been trying to reconnect with the church and I was thrown into this..test my faith with a different language and I'll sing Silent Night in Espanol.

I believe things happen for a reason, because if I didn't, then all this would mean nothing. It would just be random events and occurrences with no reference or bearing. No justification or meaning, just random points and lines that never intersect, never connect. That's such a horrible way to live, to think that there's not something greater...

I once knew a girl who said she believed in coincidences...however, when it came to something involving me, she disregarded it as nothing special. We could randomly text each other at the same time..I could call her a nickname she never revealed to me, after a period of time of not talking she could want me to call and BOOM, I'd be calling...these were just some of the MANY things that happened in the short amount of time of us knowing each other..but, she would insist on tossing those events out....because she couldn't make sense of them like she wanted to.

it seems sad, because with so many things pointing towards me, her, us you'd think you'd go with the forces, go with the flow of things, follow the signs....but some people are reluctant when they think this isn't how their story is supposed to go..

people can be fools sometimes...










"Oh look, Jeffersonville...it's a 'sign'..."

Touche

Kudos..
good jorb..

you really did it this time...

wow...I had a post but my mind has gone blank. Not because I forgot what it was, not that type of blank, more like..I've just been blind sided and I'm caught in a stare, type of blank.

See, at least when I put a halt on things I have that ace up my sleeve and I know if you still care...but once you stop doing that, just as you have, then, well...I got nothing, literally.

So I guess you deserve a round of applause; I didn't think it was possible, I didn't think you'd actually stop caring.

It sucks when you know you need to let go but you can't because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen.

This isn't a power struggle, this isn't a game to see who can ignore who first or the longest. But maybe I shouldn't be telling you all this, maybe I should hold back onto something left of me..but then again, when have I ever held back...I've always told you the truth and told it like it is..even through here I could let you know how i felt, and you would read, and you would get it..

oh wait, that's right, you stopped re(c)a(re)ding...








"**starts s.l.o.w. clapping**"

The Bloody Truth

You want the truth?!
You can't handle the truth!

No truth handler you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!

It seems as much a a surprise to me as it should you, but people don't actually want the truth. I shall repeat it again, people do not want the truth. As much as people, society, searches to find the truth, truth of the matter is, it's not what they are really looking for.

Over this weekend I came into conversations that when the truth was presented, it was discredited as not being true. Now I know I've discussed how people don't want the truth before, maybe it was in blog or just casual conversation, but in light of a certain exchange I had late Friday evening my ears were more sensitive to people hating the truth.

I don't know how to make myself any clearer really. People tend to think I'm rude or an asshole because I say exactly what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, and what I know to be right. People aren't used to that kind of straight-forwardness. But what's even crazier is the fact that people will, initially commend me for being an honest person...but once that truth is shocking, disrupts their little world, then my friends, then I am the one who is wrong.

I'll admit, maybe my tact is a little off, but I suppose when you are being direct, there's no appropriate way to sugar coat things. I m very bad at trying to beat around the bush, I find it's a waste of time. I'm not here to play reindeer games (like monopoly).

Let me let you all in on a little secret..If I speak it from my mouth it is the truth. Shhh, I know, crazy stuff right there. If in the middle of a conversation I say something, something that seems incomprehensible, sure, question it at first..but once i repeat it again mark it as the truth and accept it.

I made a statement to a friend, granted it was an "if then" statement but none-the-less it was something I stated, to which she replied "not true" - which actually really pissed me off. I don't know i the "not true" was an enticer to get me to go on about whatever I stated in more elaborate detail, but judging from the conversation I doubt it...she was acting as if she knew all truisms and apparently that wasn't one of them. I remember firing back to her with a "Yes true! Are you serious? I just said it...therefore I mean it. How can you say no to my feelings?" And just like that she had nothing.

How can one question the things I state as the truth..How can one question my feelings, my emotions, my being. "My perception is my reality" speech; if it's true to me, then it's fucking true.

People don't want to hear what they say they want to hear. I tell the truth and people's preconceived notions of me disintegrate...their brain farts, implodes as their worlds comes to a crashing halt. I'm sorry what you heard is not what you wanted to really hear, but that does not have any bearing on it's validity.

Attack the truth with all your anger, laugh contemptuously with ignorance at my truth, but there it will stay, indisputably. So enjoy the fiction you built you're world up around, because that has to make sense, whereas the strange truth (and love) doesn't.

And let's not even get religious on this one...








"In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves."

Silent (K)Night

Get it..
silent letter..

getting the silent treatment....

Oh hey, there you are, didn't notice you - oh, you've been here all weekend..waiting for an update..shoot, I guess you wanted an update about as badly as I wanted to be acknowledged, your presence will suffice....

This weekend wasn't uneventful and I'd be lying if I said there wasn't something going on or blog worthy material (and we know i don't like to lie), rather it's the question of what should be said. Fear that prying eyes will just mock my every word, laughing it over with friends and colleagues from afar, all the while i once again pour out my heart and soul into something i do for myself and those who care.

I thought about a blockade, limiting my online presence, taking time off - and well, we see how far it got me...i figure why should i put myself out there for all (her) the world to see when i sit here with bated breath on a response from emails sent her way...it's just not fair.

You know, I do have a lot to talk about, and holding it back would just be silly. If one (she) really cared enough to still read these blogs then the words that fall onto the screen are nothing but old news, repeated emotions, holding onto where I stand..

So read on if you so desire, and I'll continue to write. Read every word over again for the first time, and I'll continue to stand beside them til I die. Now is not the time to be silenced; I shall be heard, for every word I write is honest and real..

and shutting me up isn't gonna make all this any less true...






"So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you not in the tower of song"

Can't Think..

clowns will eat me..
wait, what...

i should probably just go back to bed..

I'm not sure really what to say...I'm glad I didn't blog earlier after i awoke from my slumber because that would have been a very sad sack of words..not saying i'm not feeling down right now, just, trying to ignore the pain..kinda like closing your eyes when you're lost - it won't make a bit of difference, but maybe you won't be as nauseous.

i don't know, my thought process is a little jacked up right now.

I literally took twenty trips to the bathroom to get my Service Bravos ready for tomorrow. Each time taking in one item..I didn't realize it until i was almost finished..it annoyed me then.

I just took a shower..after getting in i reached for my soap bottle and i started to question myself, had i already taken a shower today..i came to the answer of no, and i'm still going with that..but in the process of trying to figure it all out, my normal routine went to hell..

i had mexican for dinner tonight.

this is the third time i wrote "went" as "whent"

none of this is making any sense i assure you.

In the process of figuring things out, i'm losing my mind

this is troubling..









"i'm gonna hit 'Publish Post' and probably do something stupid..."

Briefly

no time for this thing
I JUST SAID...

grrrr, fine......

I've been sleeping the day away for the most part, with a break for yoga....ugh, hate yoga. I saw the doctor today, nobody really knows what's going on..went and did some random lame tests, then got a shot in the ass...my favorite part about that was when the doctor said "oh shit" - which makes immediately turn around to see blood all over my ass. awesome. my response was me laughing.

i'll make this brief since my head is still in no condition to conjure up thoughts...for the second half of work i tried to do an electricity course and stared at the screen until it was time to go. And what am i doing now...staring at a screen..blindly moving my fingers..

i said brief-ly....ahh that reminds me of a funny story, well not so much funny as..i don't know what the proper words would be...i wear briefs still, granted they are Calvin Klein briefs, so the cut isn't as traditional as a normal brief..i wear them..i wear boxers...i wear boxer briefs...i don't notice and i don't care. as long as my junk is covered up. ugh, i gotta pay more attention i guess..always with the fucking up i am...

I almost headed to bed, but I figured i could knock this out really quickly. So in the end, my head hurts, i can't make awesome sauce blogs because my brain is being slashed with a knife, i can't do yoga because i suck at being flexible, and also because i have things on my mind, i can't get you off my mind, and such is my life...

when does it stop








"i really don't have a quote to put here...i really can't think...i really am lost..."

No Peace

just that..
no peace...

Who doesn't love a martyr....but it's kinda killing me....





"We are so vain, we even care for the opinions of those we do not care for." -Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

I Have Loved Enough

Thanks Leonard..
..i got this one

so so so much...

ok the original title was going to be "I Have Blogged Enough" but i found it appropriate for either title to be used, so, go ahead and call it whichever want..it's not like i care...oh wait...

I wrote a 1500 word blog yesterday, making that the fifth blog in a 24 hour period, followed by a 1500 word email...one that I don't think was read..or if it was then the reader obviously did not follow the pleaful instructions..in any event i'm pretty much spent..well, ok maybe not, I still have plenty of things to say however every single thought, every time i speak, every deep inhale feels like there's a hattori hanzo katana slashing through my cerebellum...awesome.

So I wanted to get a post out there today, marking my accomplishments, or rather, really the lack there of...once again noting that I poured my heart out to someone who didn't even notice or care to notice, and now i'm left with the mess of trying to clean it up...naturally.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my head (not my heart, though I'd love to hear a diagnosis on that..) - i'm so frustrated about everything that i want to cry, i'm in so much pain that i can't..

such is (my) life.







"i'm freaking out and all you can do is tell me a knock knock joke...."

L.O.V.E.

No Ashlee..
just Love..

This is a Loooong and Over Due Blog

How do I even begin such a blog, there's so much I want to say, so many things to cover, Love itself is such an extensive topic, how to go about properly delivering everything..I will do my best, as always.

I believe in Love. I believe in Love like I believe in God. I feel as if that statement right there is enough to start pumping the brakes, I just hit two very loaded topics in less than 10 words, awesome. When I say I believe in Love, I'm talking about True Love. I believe in True Love. I am, and will forever be, a hopeless romantic. One of my top three favorite movies of all time is Love Actually - it's actually one of the very few movies I have seen in the theaters on more than one sitting......this is gonna get heavy...

I have ranted and raved about Love in this blog before, and I'm sure if you've ever had a conversation with me it's come up as well. Sure, yes Love is everywhere, and people believe in Love..however, I am talking about True Love here, the stuff movies are made of, and that's where we differ.

I grew up watching TV, movies, plays, etc. And it was those stories I heard while so very young that made me believe in Love, what made me a hopeless romantic. I saw how happy people were, I saw the magical endings and I wanted that for myself. I have always wanted to be someone's Knight in Shining Armor, all my life I have been holding a shoe and chasing after my Cinderella - and sure those are just fairytales you may say, but why can that not be for me?

I want True Love to exist. In every relationship I have with someone I'm always seeking to see their version of Love. I always enter every relationship with a Love like I won't get hurt. I do not hold back or compromise my Love for I don't feel that's something anybody should do. All too often we being hurt from the last heartbreak enter, or maybe not even enter at all, into the next relationship with a cautious step, glaring eye, raised arm ready to strike, defensive stance, and a reserved heart. Everybody deserves love unadulterated.

And that's why I try to not let other factors or forces influence the love of others. For an example we will need to rewind a little over three years ago. I was living in Indy and had been dating a girl for a little over a year at that point. I was trying to get my life together and made another attempt at moving to Michigan to return to school at UofM. The girlfriend was supportive of that decision and even accompanied me on a trip to Michigan when I was solidifying my job transfer and re-enlistment in school.

Shortly after that trip the girl and I had some sort of a disagreement, or quarrel, or falling out..whatever the case. During the break we made attempts to patch things up, rectify, whatever. One thing that upsets me was that one of the girl's arguments for us to not get back together, or continue dating was that I was going to be in Michigan very shortly and that it wouldn't work out. However, it was also during the break that I found out my transfer didn't go through. I did not inform her of this news, not until many months later, but I felt that it was not imperative information for Love to exist. Whether I'm here or there shouldn't have an impact on whether or not she wants to be with me. I could have easily told her I in fact was staying and we could "totally be together", but then I would have been making excuses to be with her just as she was making excuses to not.

True devotion will always lead to action, True Love. I won't tell people what they want to hear. I won't tell people what they need to hear. I won't lie to someone. I won't fake something..all in the name of Love...I want Love to show through.

Following up on that story, what's even more notable is that I believe in the dreaded, LDR, or Long Distance Relationships. Whether it's just starting out or in the middle of a relationship, the LDR is crucial to the existence of True Love. I feel more often than not that people put so much improper weight on the physicality in a relationship. People date, become physical, and then the next thing you know they are trying to ask what the others middle name is. They try to seek the justification for that physicality and end up playing "catch up" - thereby learning more about the other, showing an interest even though the interest has been a direct result of the premature physicality.

Now I am not saying that the physical aspect to a relationship isn't important, noo noo - heck, I'm actually a proponent for sex before marriage (to a certain degree). Yes, I believe being physically compatible is important in a good relationship. People kiss differently, some may fit into that little spot tucked into your arms differently, some have weird shaped vaginas...just like you're not going to get along with everyone in this world in a non-physical realm, the same goes for the physical too. And just because you and that other person hit it off, like the same music and movies, believe in the same thing, have whatever else in common, doesn't mean physically it's going to work either..

In a relationship where the LDR is at the beginning, the couple can focus on each other. They can spend their nights learning about the other person, taking in an actual genuine interest into the other person. In this step, if those in this LDR are willing to make commitments to each other, they already have a stronger relationship than most. Foundation is key to any thing, especially relationships. You can't expect to build a solid ground all the while having the vision of the relationship clouded by the physical sense. Yeah I like being sexual, but you can have sexy time with virtually anyone..what I crave is intimacy. With this LDR you can build an intimacy before you get into that physical state.

Should the LDR come in the middle of a relationship it will prove to be another test of faith. As hard as it is to have the significant other removed, there are ways to still keep in touch. Heck, I was in boot camp for three months..I rarely got to write letters, and in all reality, my girlfriend and I never communicated while I was gone, but it worked. As long as you can put your trust and faith into someone you are dating, True Love will see the LDR through. To have the physical presence of your other suddenly removed is a tough blow, and could be easily replaced, but that's not Love..you wouldn't do that if it were True Love..I believe in True Love.

If you Love someone that's all that matters, or it should be. People can find love in all sorts of others. We've all heard opposites attract. I once went on a date with a girl who on paper was the anti-thesis of The Jangus, but when we hung out we actually got along very well, and there was a chemistry. That's the thing people always over look, on paper it looks good, or bad, or not right, or whatever..on paper this or that...well Love isn't a set of standards, it isn't the same for everyone, it's completely different for everyone..it doesn't need to make sense to others..most of the time it doesn't make sense to me..it's irrational..it's wild..it's crazy..Love breaks the molds, the boundaries, does the impossible..

The ideas of True Love have been instilled in me for a very long, and though my heart has been broken along the way, what has remained is the undying passion that there is True Love. Yes, I will admit and say I have turned my back against Love time and again. I have spoke ill-will, claiming it to be a pipe-dream, not real, and so forth. I may have cursed it, hated it, ran its name through the mud, I may have said inexplicable things in regards to its existence...but, when push comes to shove, ultimately, my faith remains, I still, and will always, Believe. My heart knows what is right, my heart knows what is true, and it will always lead me back where I need to be, where I belong. In my heart I believe in God just like I believe in Love, for afterall, God is Love.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Rejoice in the truth.






"I'm talkin' bout love Love is an energy, love is a mystery Love is meant to be true Love is a part of me, love is the heart of me Love is the best thing we do"

Good Mourning

wait..
but the brittish..

that changes the whole meaning of the word...

I feel as if the nail in the coffin just came slamming down..after feeling like I was hanging on by a thread..slowly but surely being removed from every aspect of the social media world..I hung onto one..thinking maybe, just maybe today would be a new day..that emotions would have settled down, that there would be some time for redemption..something. I awoke and saw i was still in the "green" so to speak..clinging on to that fact, clinging on to hope..

every bit of removal and blocking from those sites breaks me down more and more...this feeling takes me back to my childhood when I was thrown in the water. I panic. I struggle. I try to fight it off but nothing is making sense. Sheer terror runs through my veins..it's what takes place when oxygen is low I'm assuming. I kick my legs, flail my arms, fighting to stay above water..I'm gasping for air..I'm drowning..and there's nobody around who wants to save me

my mind is running a mile a minute, but i can't think about this or that, i can't think about hope or saving myself, the only thing i know is fear..

then I see that grey question mark and I start to sink..









"pending contact request..."

It's Cool...

I can use this title like a million times...
and still get away with it

because BOOM GOES THE DYN-

Oh whoops, sorry, but that last statement has been deleted...just like me..again..over and over again..deleted. Do i deserve such a fate, that's a stupid question....why did i just ask that..ugh, what am i supposed to say really..

why am i typing..who knows...maybe because i hope it'll make a difference, but if i just randomly jam the keys it'll be no difference than what i'm doing right now..

what happened in may, what happened in may...may...questions...ok

i am clearly making no sense what-so-ever, awesome. i feel like i need to keep pounding away on these little black squares or something bad will happen, ok, maybe not that extreme, but must..keep..typing...

i proclaimed a million and twelve things tonight..but the problem with being on the west coast is, i'm three hours behind those still awake over there..so when 1am rolls around for me here, i'm getting shit for responses out there. baH.

Yes, I capitalized that H, so what. I got an idea...how about you not delete me from everything and just talk to me...because that's what people do, right? why do you have to go to such drastic extremes when you won't be able to fully remove me from your life, your heart..we both know better...block me on this or that, take me out of the sidebar, whatever - as i said before, you can remove me from the physicalities all you want, however i will forever live on elsewhere - in memories in your head and your heart....

honestly, who are you trying to fool...ugh why does it feel like i'm blogging to an empty room...CAN YOU HEAR ME?! *echoes* awesome..i'm blogging for you and you quit reading...

maybe you really did quit me this time....maybe you really don't care anymore....









"fuck...now i'm really sad"

THAT'S IT

I'm
talking

tonight....

All of you may be spared by my viral regurgitation if people continue to talk to me. Lord knows I cannot blog and interact with people, just not that good enough...but hey, I've never been good enough, so what is new

So all y'all can thank whomever it is in my earbud because the more I recant my issues to, the less blogs there will actually be...remember, these blogs are one time, passionate of the heart writings..and if I say it verbally, then, it's off my chest..no need to pull it from my finger tips..

so go on with your bad self, I'm gonna preach a different sound.









" hey..AHHHHH....that's definitely blood...on my keyboard...awesome..i won't make any references here, but, funny timing no?"

Nah Brah

It's
Cool

Do whatever you want

It's cool, you can pretend to be busy and disregard my messages all the while you surf the fucking Internet. You can let me down a little bit more. Let me down just like anyone else has who has come before you. When I try to come to you and talk its apparently not the right time..glad you get to make the decisions involving my life you selfish fuck.

I'm tired of constantly being let down. I'm tired of having "friends" who claim they are friends, yet only come to me when they have a problem..knowing I'd stop Time to help them out, yet can't return even half that to me.

when will it ever be my turn, or did i run out of credits? You must have some cheat or lies because you keep coming back with a million lives..and i just sit here and keep taking all your texts and calls..but that's just the martyr in me and all my fault..i wish i could actually care less.

Dont worry, this post is not about you.









"sauna post!"

Un

full
filled

the clarification...

My last post seemed..short..or to not have as much filler in it as normal...I've had several ideas for the direction my blogs should take...at times I want them to be long, like a frickin chapter out of a book...and then at other times i feel i can get the same thing said in a more direct, quicker fashion. The later always makes me feel like I'm cheating the system, that I'm making an update with just a few sentences, nothing substantial.

In my last post the whole reason why I wrote the thing was mentioned briefly, in a half sentence, I never got into the logistics of what that friend did to make me end communication with them, nothing..it was originally on my mind, amoung other things, but it never got mentioned..so in a way, part of me feels unfulfilled, like i left out the story..but yet my meaning clearly got across...didn't it?

Whatever..it's not like the friend ever read this blog so they wouldn't know the horrific details of what makes them a horrible person...I guess that's one less person to have cried about this blog..so then what does it matter..i guess what really matters is that the week of angry feelings and writings about that person have come to a close, moving on...

Ugh, new note..I just hate being let down..I don't put too high, or unreasonable expectations on people..I guess I just would want someone who calls themselves a good friend of mine to be able to do the same things I'd do for them - no questions asked. It's the ultimate golden rule. I want things done for me like i'd do for you..i want to be treated like i treat you...i want to be loved like i love you...

is that really so much to ask for?









"oh crap...domino effect of the blogs happening now..."

People

To everyone..
..to knowone...

where did all the cookies go?

Many of you probably know me as the cynical bastard who hates everyone - and as true as that may seem, there's an even darker side to me...one that actually cares. Sure my rough exterior colored in the hues of jade is what seems to be the most "popular" of appearances for me to don, but that's only when the time provokes it. That abysmal front is actually the result of the collapse of how I truly am.

I've had this discussion time and time again with every new person I meet, and I'll stick to my stance til i'm gone. People. When it comes to people, I believe in the best of them. I believe in the good of all. It's like everyone is innocent until proven guilty; rather in this case they are good until they prove themselves bad.

I put forth trust into people. Why not, I'd wanted to be trusted too. Regardless of past events I cannot project negativity onto someone else, it's not fair. All too often we tend to enter relationships with a cautious step as a result of something that happened prior in our lives. However, this new person isn't that old person that made you like this; don't take out whatever on them. A new person is a clean slate...don't be afraid to make those mistakes again.

Maybe that's where I falter, because I want the good in people to show, I want people to be..good. I give people too many opportunities to prove me right. I understand people make mistakes, things happen, we all do this...but when something is a constant, well, then the opposite is the anomaly.

I defriended someone tonight that i recently let back into my life. I thought this time things were different, that not necessarily they changed, but realized the woes of their ways - apparently I was wrong. The only time in your life you will ever hear those words come out of my mouth..And we all know how much I hate to be wrong, maybe that's why I give people so many chances. But if the kingdom of god lies within man, not just one man but all men, then surely good resides within all of us. maybe i am still right...

maybe there is still hope...








"it's hard to 'write from the heart' when so many people say mine doesn't exist.."

The Lie

She lied. It was directed at me but it was really to herself...she said she never wanted to be with me...she was just trying to upset me so that I'd hate her, because, as she said before, it'd be easier that way. She told me to have a nice life. It was said in such a demeaning manner though the tone was gentle; the words themselves is what fired through my ears like a bullet leaving me brain dead and non-responsive at that moment.

But she really didn't mean it.

I Remember

I remember your freckles - perfectly dotted in various little places across your body. I remember the scent of your hair when you'd let it roll over your shoulders. I remember the feel of your fingertips - how it gave me chills down my spine every time we touched. I remember how your lips arched into a smile - or the way you'd always scrunch your nose when you wanted to make a face at me. Or how you'd stick out your tongue for pictures.

I remember the way you told me you loved me - how the words would slip off your tongue so smoothly. But maybe that was only because you had said it so many times. Not only to me, but to others. I don't know what made me realize that maybe it wasn't all a lie.

But I still remember those things we had. Every thing.

Can You Imagine

if..
i..

just agreed?


What if I just gave up...what if I stopped arguing every stupid point you try to make at me..what if instead of proving you wrong, I just agreed and said you're right? Ok...you are right...Honestly I don't think it would be all that different than what goes on now...maybe you would just be less annoyed.

I'm tired of having to prove my case..I'm tired of having to show the gaps in other people's arguments..it's getting me no where but pissed, and fast. You obviously don't value what I have to say otherwise things would be different.

Don't ask for my opinion on things when it doesn't matter...don't ask what I'm really thinking when the truth is only going to make you upset..or things more complicated...

it gets to this point time and time again for a reason..because you bring it there..because you are driven there...but once it gets there, you act like this wasn't your destination of intent....i'm tired of going on these rides that lead me back to where i began...still in the same predicament of being alone and maybe even more broken hearted..

so you know what..from now on, you're right...you're abso-fucking-lutely right..about whatever..the sky is green? Perfect, you're right...now i'll never say i am wrong, i'll just say you're right so you can continue to feed me this bullshit for every dinner conversation.

i'm sorry, you're right...what you say makes perfect sense and i will now change any and all thought process to now live by that...you're so fucking right.

Apparently my reality and perception are figments of nothing..









"A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."

November's Over

so..
..what

It's not a month that's condemned..it's me

November came in like a Lion and left like a Lamb, I suppose that's a good thing..I mean the end note is usually what everyone remembers and reflects on...Michigan beat OSU, I rushed the field, people came around and back in my life, i realized what i missed and what mattered...it's kinda funny to think that one of the happiest days of my life came during the most hated months..

So there we have it, it's all said and done and now i can move onto the next month, right? Well, it's kinda silly to pigeonhole an entire month..i mean bad shit happens all the time, you can't just say "it's november" - as every last one of you has always said..

Sure November has now became a self-fulfilled prophecy, but there's more to it than just that. November isn't just bad for me however. November has the highest reported suicides out of any of month. For most, November marks a seasonal depression - what with the holidays, weather change, etc. So it may not seem fair to say that November sucks, but in all actuality, it's just that horrible time of the year..sorry 'bout ya.

Now yes, the end of October was bullshit for me, and that's why November came in hurting..and it seems like December is starting to do the same. The uplifting end to November was a high that could only last so long it seems, and once again we're right back where we started from.

Now I do apologize because i did take some time off from posting, i was on a roll, then as the holiday festivities hit, there went any time to keep up with the blogging, heck, I honestly don't know how i got thursday's post in. And as I tried to play catch up with my life once I got back to Cali, all I could think about was how I had something positive to write about...of course, as I now have the time to do so, of course it's no longer the case...

I've got more to say, this was just something to get my fingers going again, and now that i've gotten my routine back, i'll write some more...don't worry you three followers, lol.

So here's to you, to me, and all the bullshit in between.










"...."

ThankFool

Food..
Family..

Some of the essential F's to have in life

Thanksgiving has always been the one holiday during the season that I've ever actually cared about. What's more odd is how this one holiday just happens to fall in my most despised month of the year as well. It just seems a little peculiar that there would be a time in this month that I actually looked forward to...maybe November isn't as bad as I thought..

Now I never minded working on Xmas Eve or Xmas Day, those always were scratched off of my Holiday Request Forms anyway. However, working on Thanksgiving was just so...un-American to me? Maybe not as bad as working on the Fourth of July, but I'm sure pretty darn close..

I could try to come up with a reasoning for why Thanksgiving has a special place in my heart, but really, looking back on the past 10 years, those reasons really wouldn't hold any weight. I don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the most traditional sense - how the needy pilgrims almost on the verge of death tricked and conned the natives into sharing food allowing the pilgrims to survive and ultimately that would be the natives demise..having those settlers only to take over more land, kill, and push further and further West only to be secluded to what could accurately be described as concentration camps...you may be used to the phrase "reservations", same difference.

No, I take a more modern approach to the day, which has in my opinion, adapted over the years. Back when i was a kid growing up, it was a big feast and spending time with the family. The adults cooking massive amounts of food that you then would be trying to consume for the next week or so...but for me, it wasn't that family orientated..it was the same three people i saw on any other dinner..i don't recall any sort of traditions..Xmas music played, the fire place would be going..that was about it.

After highschool, those unsettled years, is when i believe i started to develop a sense for this holiday. Being on my own and not having a real home anymore I was picked up, adopted in a sense, by other families, friends, coworkers, etc. Being welcomed into someone else's home brought forth what the meaning behind this special day was. Being apart of others traditions (JELLO SLAPPING HERE), going 'round the table telling what each of us were thankful for, even though it was new to me, actually meant something. Having people open up their homes and kitchens for you on a day that is generally meant as a family get together stirred a warm feeling inside of me and gave me a sense of belonging - even during my weakest of months.

During those unsettled early years I focused a lot on the holiday shopping, making Black Friday apart of the holiday rituals. I anxiously stayed up all night, driving out to the malls and big stores, waiting in line, fought the crowds, sat in traffic, and was apart of the mayhem. It excited me. Most people said I was crazy for wanting to go out into such a mess, but after being out in it, I wasn't the only crazy person, in fact, I'd say there were a lot of them. Now granted, I didn't have lists, or agendas, or itineraries to follow - sure I looked over the Thanksgiving ads and spotted some things I wanted to grab, but I don't think I did it for "the savings"

Maybe the only type of saving that really was happening was a saving of myself. Being apart of something larger than me, the hustle 'n bustle, the crowd, and all the emotion that went into that day, that weekend, made me feel alive. Perhaps it was a culmination of that day, Thanksgiving, and the beginning of the holiday season that help cause an upswing to get me out of my November funk, driving home that final nail in the final weekend before a new month, and soon a new year began.

This year I am not spending Thanksgiving with family. And like years past I will probably just wing it, people tend to have more of a sense of pity this time of year. Whether I eat some turkey from an oven cooked bird or in a sandwich I bought from Subway, I'll make due. I didn't send out a mass text to everyone in my phone like so many people do; rather this time i sent the "Happy thanksgiving...i'm thankful blablabla" - a personalized account of what i was actually thankful for. As wonderful as it sounds, it of course could only be performed in such as a backhanded compliment that only the Jangus could give.

All in all, i'm not sure what i'm really thankful for, this year could be erased for all i really care - but that discussion is more for my year in review blog - i want to be thankful for having a girlfriend be faithful to me while i went to bootcamp, but i can't say that. I want to be thankful for meeting someone who challenges me in a way that only i've been known to do, but i can't do that. i want to be thankful for my new career choice, but i won't do that. I want to be thankful i'm not in indy, but i'm finding Californians rate pretty close to how horrible indy was, so i can't do that. i want to be thankful for a Michigan victory this weekend, but i can't do that, yet...

i'm thankful for the blessed union of mark and ginger - their enduring relationship is the only thing that really gives me hope for anything. God bless you two. Cheers.







"Thank you for being a frie-WILL SOMEONE TURN OFF THE RADIO!"

Hate This and I'll Love You

makes..
sense...

because that means you read it.

Why is it when a girl and I break up, amoung all the nasty things they say, they all will utter in some disdained fashion that they will stop reading my blog - better question, of all the things they say, why is it that that phrase is the one that hurts the most?

Maybe they say it because they know that will hurt the most, because of all the things in my life it's the one true indicator of what's going on, knowing me as best as possible from afar. And should they stop reading it, boycotting it, or whatever then it's a form of "out of sight out of mind." If a girl ends all communication with me, we stop talking, hanging out, whatever but she reads my blog then it's not a question of whether or not she cares, or misses, or thinks about me. In fact, should a girl actually read my blog, she automatically gets extra points.

Another common thing right around the time of the breakup is how said female will ask me to stop writing about her or her new man or whatever...if there's one thing that makes me say "fuck you" it's telling me what to do. Obviously I write about things going on in my life, obviously some girl deciding to be a bitch and breakup with me is going to get mentioned at some point...and obviously people hate getting called out on things, so when they see their stupidity posted for the public to see, they get embarrassed and, well, here we are. I'm sorry that I posted you're a slut and like to cheat on me, or how your new boyfriend beats you...I'm just stating facts, soooo sorry...but yeah, people hate having other people able to see how horrible they really are...and besides, after the breakup it's not like they are actually going to read the blog any more...

So those who read, care. Those who take the time to go to a random website where i spurt off crap from my fingertips to the empty hallows that is the internet, those are the ones who keep me going through this. I have several friends who solely read my blog to "keep in touch" - as random as that is.

And for those avid followers who stick by me through thick and thin, who put up with this bullshit..i applaud you. I know this is not award winning literature here. Again, thank you.

If there was a way I could accurately know who visit my website..well, i don't know if that would make me happy or sad...would i see that Sealy in CA was here reading..or TNA from LA...if so i'd be happy...but i probably wouldn't...I'd just see TTB from IN over and over again, or heck, my own ID for that matter.

I'd just like to know I mattered after the fact, after all was said and done, I still crossed the minds of those whose lives I was apart of...

I don't want to be erased or forgotten...i'd rather be remembered and hated...








"do i ever cross your mind..do i?"

Not Worth My Time

sometimes i gets stuck on a verse
but what you should know is that I don't rehearse
you get is what you see and what you see is what you get
and what we got is just a whole bunch of shit.

and now i only write this shit one time
just spew my thoughts upon the lines
so if it doesn't rhyme, i doesn't cry
so back the fuck off cuz i think it's fine

now many of you say i should just-go-back
and reread it so it's all-on-track
but what you all forget it's a stream of thoughts
and this type of writing it just can't be taught

i'm sure i could go back and edit-some-things
but it would lose all credible-meaning
and sure you can say these are all basic rhymes
but so you know i didn't stop typing not one time

and this only took a minute or two
but it was something that i had to do
but i'm just not through, not with you
and i'll continue cuz it's what i gotta do

so quit sitting there thinking that i-am-bad
cuz that type of shit it makes me-real-sad
you don't value what you got you miss what you had
and ignoring your feelings is what gets me so mad

what's the problem you got too much pride,
fuck, you need to push that shit aside-and
pick up the phone-and
drop a line, cuz you know this is only killing the both of us
and i may say this all too much
but you know it's true and you know what to do

..i don't think that's gonna happen soon





"i hate when i start rhyming shit all the time..."

Here,

just
read

I just don't know what to say..what do you want me to say..what do you want me to do..what???

I sit here in a state of confusion once again..it's that's uncomfortably all too familiar feeling. As soon as i think progress is made, somehow i find myself off the grid. It's like my GPS turns off when I'm back on track, leaving me on the corner of "what the fuck" and "don't look back"

I feel like crying out like Stitch, "I'm lost" - trying to find something at any cost.. Fuck, maybe I am Stitch..just some odd outcast that causes problems that people want gone..I'm just hoping to find something to call my home, is that so wrong is that so wrong..

I'm tired of turning over all these rocks..and time just keeps ticking away on those clocks..i bet you didn't know but i'm singing this to a kayne tune, dontcha worry dontcha worry you'll catch on soon..

if you don't know by now fool, i'm talking about..









"i need a sandwich.."

I'm Giving It Nothing

I couldn't eat my dinner, so I finished my drink instead. The bland meal matching that of the conversations at the end of the night. I starred into my glass as I swirled the melting ice around - it reminded me of you and how you used to chew on your ice. In fact, you were on my mind the entire evening, I just didn't want to acknowledge it at first. But I grew weary fighting it off and let my guard down. How I wished you would just do the same.

As I walked to my car I thought about calling you, but came up with an excuse not to. Of course once I got home that excuse was no longer valid. I sat on my couch, holding my phone, starring off once again. Your contact information was right there in front of me, yet you couldn't have been further from actually being with me. I wanted to call so badly, but even if I got through what would I say..that I missed you, this is Hell...I'd just be repeating myself and telling you things you already knew.

The odds were against me. You probably made sure I couldn't make these midnight confessions to you and blocked my number again. I don't blame you for that, wait maybe I do, maybe that's what I want to tell you; how foolish it is to try and go against the forces of nature. I toss aside the phone and go to my computer, figuring an email would have a better chance of getting to you. I hit "Compose" in an ironically fashion as the last thing I ever am when thinking like this is "composed." I add in your name and that's as far as I can get. Time passes and I continue to sit and stare at the screen - at an undeveloped message just like us.

Housekeeping

Cleaning up..
changing up..

trying to show i care

Every time i start to get balls deep back into my blog, I always go through a revamping of the layout itself...it only makes sense, the times have changed, there's a new chapter currently being written, time to spruce up the ol page itself.

I took some time just cleaning up some things, nothing really noticeable, just time consuming..change the widths on the side bars and blog posts themselves, that was something that drove me crazy..it looks cleaner in my opinion now. Changed the fonts a bit...you know, just little things i think give it a better look

I tried changing my background picture because i hate the fact i am using someone else's artwork...i have plenty of pictures to use, but they file sizes are too large and when i resize them, they just get tiled..it's annoying.

alright, that's all i got, just wanted to see how all the new functions were working, how it looked, etc...we will be back to our regularly scheduled program, now.








"the dust on this shit is killing me...fucking allergies..."

Conversation

bitch..
don't make me..

but instead i'm more like, what the fuck.....

So let me tell you a story about this mother fucker..this mother fuck...this mother fucker.....yeah it gets said twice..but let me back this ass up first...

Alright, so I'm at this boutique store right across the street from my house, I frequent the store often, maybe twice to three times a week depending. Now, naturally after visiting said place multiple times and seeing the same faces over and over again you start to build a nice rapport with the staff. Being new to an area I can always ask advice on where to go, get food, do whatever.

And of course, you all know me, you know how I am when it comes to talking to people, it's just what i do, it's what i've done..as shy as i've ever been all my life, being sociable is a skill i aquired at a young age...and then working in the industry is what really flared up this disease.

Anywhere i go i can start up a conversation with people..and this has always caused problems with former gfs because of the fact they think i'm "flirting" when in reality, it's just me being me; added in of course is "flirting" was my job for over 12 years and i recently broke from that...soooo get off your fucking self...

I digress. So naturally i go into the shop, make conversation, we don't detract too far off the topic of business..i do my thing, purchase whatever, and continue the conversation...then walks in this guy.

I think he's just another customer, but the exchange is different between the girl behind the desk and this new guy..as he takes a seat. Oh, i get it, they're together, ok whatever no big whoop, not a customer i'll continue talking. So then the lady asks me if I had anymore questions, which i don't, we bid our adieus and i go to my vehicle...however, on my way out the guy blurts out something that i know was said for me to hear.

"Fucking ridiculous" he says loudly, to which the lady says back, "what..what are you talking about?" - i know for a fact he's talking about me and not his day, but i want to give him the benefit of the doubt and i carry on.

I get to my car, hop inside, grab my phone from the center console and start playing catch up with texts. Now, my car is facing directly at the shop just a few rows away from it, and i notice the guy walk out..slowly go over to his truck, all the while looking over at my car..then he heads back inside..it's not but two seconds later he pops back out and starts walking again...howver this time he's not headed to his car...he's headed towards mine.

this should be good - is exactly what i say as i play with my phone not trying to pay attention to whatever the fuck is about to go down...i wait diligently then he's at my window waving, lord knows should he place a hand on my car shit would really go down. I pretend to be startled and give him a "you can't be fucking serious" look as i roll down the music with my left hand and turn down my music with my right...he begins to speak...

Guy - "Ca-can i help you?"
Me - "Ummm, no? You came to me?"
Guy - "Oh, uh, do you got something going on there.."
Me - "What?"
and before i could even finish that word he comes in with..
Guy - "That's my girlfriend in there"
Me - "Ok...???"
Guy - "We live together.....are you trying to steal my girlfriend?!"
Me - "Wait, what?! We we're just talking?"
Guy - "Oh, just talking, it looked like more than that"
Me - "??????" (yes, i said some noise that sounded like question marks) "You're joking right?"
Guy starts walking away, "That's my girlfriend....."
Me - "Sorry, I didn't know I couldn't have a conversation with someone....."
Guy - "It's ok"
Me - "Well obviously not"
guy continues walking away, doesn't respond...
mind you the guy was shaking as he spoke to me, and even backed up as i rolled down the window to greet him...

I continue texting and finalize plans before driving away...and it was about halfway to my destination that it finally hit me..and pissed me off...that fucking asshole...what the fuck was he thinking..what the fuck did he see that made him think there was more than just "talking" going on....the bitch was behind a desk..unless my penis somehow fucking grew to a length measured in yards and circled around, back behind, and all the way over to here, i'm pretty sure we were just talking..and he wasn't even there to hear what was said; tone, inflection, whatever.

Maybe that's why this insecure bastard was there to begin with...making sure his lady doesn't go home with any strangers that happen to pop into the shop. This of course is only going to make for an awkward situation the next time i make an appearance there and she's working. It will be awkward only because you know i'm going say some shitty comment like "due to your over-protective live-in boyfriend, i must cease and decist all future conversation with you. A polite "hello" will be allowed, however anything further will only give the insinuation to all those watching that my penis is, has been, or will be inside of you. you can thank you're awesome boyfriend. Sincerely, the jangus"

But honestly...i was more stunned by the situation that i couldn't really throw down at that moment...of course as the initial shock wore down, i was about to turn around and lay his stupid ass out. I can't wait to see him again.

people always seem to catch me when i'm in a good mood...consider yourself lucky.







"Don't worry 1117, i'm fucking your world up instead..i'm all smiles today"

Reading Into The Past

old posts..
rekindled feelings..

what was and what will never be

People have a tendency to look back on past events with an brighter outlook...as if somehow they've harnessed the rays from the sun into a flashlight as their peer back into the shadows of the past...even some of the worst moments hardly seem as bad.

Somehow I got back into posts from afar and couldn't help but smile. Even though i cursed more than twenty times a blog, even at times using that loveable phrase of "fuck off and die" - apparently it was the theme for a month back in '06 - it still brought joy to me.

And it was the events, the memories, and heck, even the writing that gave me those warm fuzzies. Why is it, especially with the writing, that I feel as if back then i could create something good, yet now I dribble on and on about crap...no real style or creativity to the writing..just rambling on without some ironic epiphanic wording or phrase that makes your reading eyes orgasm.

I want to write more than just a re-telling of my story. I want to be able to express myself better with words..bah, even that statement could be re-wrote to sound better. I try to write little short stories or poems and it just doesn't bode well with me...I spend too much time and effort into creating something..then recalibrating it..adjusting it..re-wording it..destroying it. I'm always trying to create something so brilliant it will blow your mind, always trying to add such little intricacies into everything such as "ooohhh he used six syllables in every line" "the third letter of every fifth sentence spells out whom he is writing about"

I do those types of things because those are the things that get me off, those are the things that get me..sure there's words and meaning, but if you can pull off some mathematical craziness in the process, if there's a deeper meaning or a secret the author hid in the work, that makes me happy to know. It's like the inside joke of writing..maybe only writer wrote it for just one person..who knows, but it's special..and i want to write like that.

maybe it just takes some practice...maybe my writing now is just as good as my writing back three years ago..maybe I need to keeping writing now to hone in on this skill, to improve upon it, to maybe someday write that book that everybody keeps asking for...

funny because in my dedication page it will list everyone who refuses my existence.








"Crap...I don't remember what I forgot..."

Voicemail

All I ever wanted or needed was a little understanding from you. That I was going through tough times in my life and that I needed you now the most. I tried to explain the severity that November was to me. Apparently I didn't suggest strongly enough. You told me I was being stupid - that everything would be fine. You pushed me away as I tried to step into your life and explain myself. You told me on my drive out that you couldn't do it anymore.

I remember that drive home. I turned around. I tried to call you. God, why was I being so stupid? I knew you couldn't offer me any more. You were fed up. We were finished. As the line was repeatedly ringing, it was abruptly interrupted and went to your voicemail. "Leave a message," is what I heard. It had been a while since I had heard that. I knew you weren't picking up on purpose.

I wanted the words to spill. For you to be able to take me for who I was. To openly accept the feelings you had. Then it beeped, I knew I had to say the words now or I would never have another chance to do so again. But they were stuck in my throat. I couldn't say anything at all. Fuck. For a guy who always has something to say I was failing at this moment. The people passing me probably wanted to curse me out as they thought I was some kind of fool who had nothing better to do with my life.

I placed the phone back in the center console and I drove back home - contemplating if I should even try again...ever try again...I couldn't fathom the last time hearing your voice to just be a recording.

I Feel Sick

must...
write...

to keep...promise....

I'm not gonna blame the night of crying, or the two days straight of drinking, or the four days off from work...i'm gonna blame the chicken wings I just ate - sad part is, those were kept refrigerated..unlike the pizza i ate for breakfast that obviously sat out all night long..

Ugh, I went to the gym to make up for the day lost yesterday, I probably spent more time rambling on about my life than I spent doing my actual workout. You know me, I like to jar on of stories that sound so ridiculous that they almost sound made up, rather it is just my everyday life. At one point one of the people listening in spouted off that I needed to write a book..I chuckled of course because that blanketed statement gets tossed at me more than panties at a Tom Jones concert.

I of course replied back that I do write, it's in the form of an online blog, and so making a book would just be silly - also, what the eff would I ever write about? Now I realized that most of my hits on the blog in the recent months have only occurred whenever I mentioned it in a post on dailybooth..and as we all know, as of 11:11 11/11/11 that I ended my stint on that particular website. That should not come to any surprise for you who have been following, it came close to an end back in August of just last year, and I've been toying with the idea ever since. Just until recently have I taken the time to really assess just what practicality it was to still be using such a form of social media.

(i would like to ask...how the fuck I gained three followers well after the time i posted my last post..really people?)

Sure I could continue to use it in the sense of whoring out my blog with posts dedicated solely to that..but really, if those who were reading my original dailybooth posts couldn't grasp the genius that was in those posts, I highly doubt they would even make it past the opening blurb in these blogs.

that and i'm tired of meeting people who have nothing better to do than fuck with my time.

So at one point I stop telling my story to the crowd encircling me at the gym and I go workout...just a 45 minute workout did the job, i broke a sweat and I packed up my bags. On my way out I said goodbye to the front desk, finishing up of course with whatever filler I may have unintentionally left out from the previous stories. As doing so, one of the earlier members walked by and questioned if i ever left to workout...amidst my laughing, the front desk worker responded in amazement telling the returnee how i had some crazy stories, and started to suggest i tell them again..i apologized as i didn't have the time for such a thing, as much as i would have enjoyed it, i really had to be on my way...and away i was.

I'll make the note that telling a live audience about the random nonsense that is my life ultimately deteriorates any blogging that will come later in the day from me. See, my blogs are my thoughts at that moment, whatever the hot topic is in my head for the day or that moment in time will get unleashed in the blog....but if i rant before then..whether it be to someone else, to myself, or just making full thoughts in my head..the rant escapes, the blog post fades away..as if it's been erased..from history (familiar feeling there bud?)

As i make my way to my car, which for some reason i always park way too far away from the front doors, i start to think...is my life really that interesting? "Write a book" they all say, but who the heck wants to read this dribble...how is this any different from the random crap that happens to everyone else? I mean, I understand that i'm awesome and all, but really, i don't feel as if i am any more special...am i wrong to think this? Is it my stories that are intriguing or they way they are recanted..

all these answers and more will be revealed in blogs to come, of course, only you hold the answers..








"I'm sooo hungry...wait, now i'm gonna puke....ugh, i want to eat...wait...ughhh"

It's Not You, It's Me

When being great..
..isn't great enough

the woes of somebody just trying to get it right.

Whoa, did i just put a period at the end of that sentence..do I normally do such a thing? Eh, I've been off the past....24 hours, wow, that's it? seems like eternity, though I can't imagine Hell being much worse..on the subject, i suppose i should get used to this feeling as i have been constantly reminded i will spending, well, forever there...awesome.

Besides having people's ideas beaten into me, i'm tired of a lot of different things right now. I'm tired of these relationships i get into where the other person uses the excuse of the "situation" to justify a means to an end..how people can't handle the situation, or they aren't ready for such a thing..wait...

what...sad thing is, i've been doing this since...2005?! I should have learned with Mandolin that I wasn't good enough then, and that I'd somehow still carry on with the soul-searching all the while to continue not being good enough the rest of my life. That I would be told i was awesome, or great, or amazing, or whatever...but for whatever the reason..timing, bullshit, cantthinkofanymorelameexcusesthesebitcheshavegivenme, it wasn't going to work out. And that makes me think - because you know how strong of a believer i am in not only love but Machiavelli - that if i was truly this great guy that they alllllll say i am, why, rather, how could they not stick it out and be with me?

How is it that i come upon these women at just the right, or rather wrong times in their lives...where we make a connection, all is well, yet it's not right right now. Am I doomed to be Ed Bloom and visiting Spectre all too soon? and then too late?

After finally realizing i've been getting the same responses all too often, especially with this back to back recent fucking that I can only wonder if it isn't "not me"..such a weird wording...ok, instead it is me. People are supposed to learn more about themselves from breakups, right? well what's there to learn if people aren't honest with you.. *sidenote, my favorite is when they are purposefully lying to either upset you so you can hate them, and/or so they can believe their own lies as well*

Something seems to not fit into this puzzle, and the puzzle is making me lose my mind. I'm tired of people not being true..true to others, true to themselves, true to their own fucking feelings. Don't tell me you're getting attached to me and like me and how amazing i am..yet a day later you're up in arms and wanting to never speak to me again...oh wait, that post that mentioned all that was deleted...

You can't take back words or feelings..you can do your best to pretend they were never there, that they never existed, and ultimately that i never existed..you can try and attempt this, but honestly, the only person you're really fooling is yourself.....and life is full of enough people who will try and do that to you already, so why do that..

What really pisses me off is how one can believe in fairy-tales and chasing after love, yet when confronted with a somewhat typical love-story (somewhat typical as defined as the tumultuous situation involving the lovers) that person runs and hides..and even after the failed attempts of chasing after my Cinderella with a shoe and one headlight, i just find myself running til i'm breathless and i drop; lying in the gutter is only lonely when you make a blog about it.

Your hands go to the strings, mine go to the keys..









"What are you scared of, baby, It's more than just a dream, We make a beautiful team"

Why Does God Hate Me So..

left..
blank..

yeah, that's what i got

I started to write this 3 hours ago....that was before i started drinking and before i started getting texts and phone calls...ugh...i was hoping to make this like a four part series, but now...i got nothing

i feel bla now and i am horrible with the keys, not alicia..wait, yes, in fact maybe yes...alicia keys, is that her name..ugh, my witty remarks are falling on blind eyes right now. I quit the daily booth today...it's something i have been toying with my head, in fact i told..i can't come up with a good name to call her right now...british girl? she was mad at the idea, but whatever, i'm over it...it's cause nothing but harm...just like that infernal time machine!

i don't know what it is, or what's going on..i'm tired of not being good enough..yet in the same breath all these bitches will say "you're so great"..really? if i was great things would be different...i'm great, but not great enough apparently.

how do i cause all this stress?!

don't fucking tell me it's not me it's you...i've heard that way too much in the past month to believe otherwise. obviously there is something wrong with me..i should have learned from...*shifts eyes left shifts eyes right* miiiiindy that i wasn't good enough, that i was good but not good enough. that i somehow had the excellence of picking the "best" times ever to enter into a girl's life...

i apparently will continue to be an erased chapter out of everyone's fucking life.....oh shit, there's that word again...fuck....i guess if i use that word, fucking, every other word it means i am not of sound mind to hold an actual conversation with because i am either being defensive or angry or something..fuck.

i'm sorry i follow my emotions and my heart..i'm sorry i was made this way...i think i cried more about tonight than i ever did that slut whatsherfuck..i'm ot really really good with names tonight, please forgive me..i spend enough time on the delete key, so give me that.

i just don't get things....if i like you, and you like me..what's stopping us from being together...

god is great and i am not...i'm not trying to steal your thunder, i'm just doing my thing, don't hate me for it...afterall, you made me this way.

well...i'm at the point where i want to break everything in sight, so i should just go to bed...way to go 11/11/11, you've definitely been memorable..







"43 q4 e r r ggggg"

(Apparently)

Love..
is..

not enough..

It's taken me all the way until now to realize this horrifying fact, love is not enough. Well, that's apparently what others would want me to think...and you know what, maybe they are on to something.

All my life I've always been a hopeless romantic, wearing my heart on my sleeve, believing in something so powerful, so amazing that is love..but yet as time went on, I grew older I also became more bitter, more cynical, more jaded...every heartbreaking moment would only leave all those little pieces of my heart more and more jagged..to the point where reassembling it at times almost seems impossible.

I've probably wrote a million times how "true love" doesn't exist, how foolish it is to think out of the billions of people in the world you were destined to be with just that one. We've just been brainwashed by media, society, and everyone we know that it's real, it's out there, it's for you...We've heard the songs, seen the movies...we know the parts, yet, it doesn't pan out like that...songs, stories, books, movies...they are just an amplified exaggeration of something that's real...like putting a stick on a horse's head

We all want to believe in something so good (no bash on religion here, I have enough demons to slay at the moment) that we strive for our version of it, mold it to be what we want and just pretend...those who are in love are guilty of pretending.

and pretending is knowing something isn't real, love isn't real...because if love were real, let me tell you, it would be "enough."

You can't sit there and believe in a thing called love yet in the same breath say that you need more, love just isn't enough..Love, by definition, is supposed to be enough..Love is the Answer, Love is all that matters...so when you tell me that "love isn't enough" I say to you 'bull'...I don't want to be apart of that horrible world where you don't really know what love is, for if you did, that would be all you needed.

Nothing else matters if you love someone..it doesn't matter if they're young/old/black/white/stupid/smart/whatever...if you have love in your heart for someone, if you have these feelings for someone..they are there...they are real..they are there for a reason..to say you need more, or it's not worth it, it's going nowhere is a farce..it's a lie..because if you actually cared, actually felt, the end would justify it all.

You go on living your life thinking there's more to be in love than love, and I'll keep pretending that love is all you need, because at least in my world there's possibility.

i'll keep pretending.










"Love conquers all"