13 Weeks

what.
the.

hell.....

The past three days I've wanted to write, a variety of topics rolling off my head...heck, the night prior and even last night I tried to start something..pulled the lappy up to me as I curled up on the couch...that was about as far as it got. So now, in my final hours I am forcing it out of me. hungover from two straight nights of alcohol consumption I must break through this muggy mess in my head and put my final words together.

I'm not quite sure what to really say, and I can't even remember what it was I wanted to write about, so I know I aimlessly meander throughout this post, you've been warned.

In addition to this post I have also undertook a mini-goodbye project of sorts. I can't leave without doing something, not necessarily big or crazy, just something. When I left Btown in '06 there was a huge going away party, and sure it was fun, it wasn't my note to go out on. Instead, just days later, on my actual departure date, before I headed onto the highway

Marry Mary and Be Merry

Some marry people...
some marry professions..

most can't make that type of commitment...

It seems so odd to me, but I've been pegged as two completely different things - having a fear of commitment, yet wanting to commit with someone/something. Though it's not off for me to say I ride both ends of the spectrum at any given time, there is no grey area with the Jangus, it's all or nothing, black or white...but yes, yes it can be both...it's just random to hear the differing opinions of my own self from others.

I remember back to CP in '07 when I was hanging out with this one co-worker of mine..we liked each other, and she talked to some of our other co-workers about me(because that's what girls do) and they all told her (all being like three lol) that don't get your hopes up, Jangus doesn't date...he has a fear of commitment...

Now, when I heard that I was shocked..not by the first part, it's true, I really do not "date date" girls, I will hang out and get to know them, anyone for that matter, dating, well, that's more intimate and I reserve that right for certain people. Granted, the term "date" is used very loosely and therefore I tend to say "I dated this girl" just because it is easier to say than "This one girl and I who really hit it off and started spending a lot of time together but never made anything official, sure there was some making out and heavy petting, it only lasted for a little bit and now we are acquaintances..", so yeah, dating works best.

But as for a fear of commitment, naaahhhh. I can commit, I can make promises..Heck, I just signed up for a FOUR YEAR ACTIVE (Four years reserves) CONTRACT with the Marines...the Marines have a billboard, "We don't take applications, we take commitments." Alright, yes there have been times I've not made commitments, but there are reasons, I do not need to make commitments to everything...

Like when I was in the middle of CP Season 1 and TJ was asking about me coming back to live in Btown with him...I said I could not make that commitment because I was uncertain where I was going to be in 4 months. I had plans of going to Orlando, Chicago, etc...I did not want to promise him something that I could not make a promise on.

----there's a tip for you, if I ever promise you something, that means I'll do it...no promise, no commitment..pinkie promise, oh yeah, the extreme of promises------------

And sometimes, most of the time, my life and schedule is so chaotic and not in sync that plans made for next week are too far out to even think about. HOWEVER, I do love having plans, I do love knowing what is going to happen, having something regimented is good (especially in my life) - though it is few and far between it seems..

Yes I've learned to live by the seat of my pants, yes I am very impulsive and spontaneous..I do not consider it bad by any means, it just allows me to quickly adjust when those plans that were planned out do not happen or something occurs.

So in short, yes, I can make commitments. Yes I can make promises. If I tell you I will or will not do something, that means I am going to follow through. My words are only as good as my actions, and I make it so that my actions can back up all future words.

Do I just want to settle down with someone, no...do I want to fall in love and be with that person, yes. Had I wanted to just "settle down and be committed" with someone, I would be in that place already....I've had the opportunity to be the stay at home dad, I've had this, I've had that...but it wasn't everything I truly wanted. In the past I have had a tendency to fall in love with the ladies rather quickly. To quote ESoftheSM, " Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" I've vastly improved since those middle school days...

if there's one problem I'd say I have it's my non-conventional relationships that I get myself involved in..whether it be an age difference, physical distance, or she comes from the Capulet household, I always find myself in such awkward circumstances. And that problem really is that I'm a hopeless romantic who sees people for the people they are...age is just a number, I've never acted my age, I've never hung out with people my age, I've never liked/dated girls that were my age...It's been like this since the first grade! I've dated girls younger and I've dated girls older...I don't know/think they have anything in common that could tie this all together, but it would be nice if there was a magic connector.

I've done the Long Distance Relationships before, and I wanted to make this its own blog, so I'll do my best to keep it that way. Basically LDRs are essential if you are going to believe in the fairy tale aspect that is love. I can love from afar, I can commit.

As for coming from the "wrong family", well there's a variety of situations you can group in there..my family is, how should I say this delicately...old school...racist? Wow, it sounds so harsh to type that out about one owns family...but skin is just a color, and as superficial as I am, it's about the person

The whole point is it is about the person, no matter what categorical statistic you can label them as, they are flesh and blood and they are who they are. You can put all those stats down on paper and it will look like it doesn't add up, but put into practice it does. Just the opposite goes for communisim, in theory it works, in reality, not so much. I'm sorry that my relationships with people are not the "standard" not what is considered "normal", but by gosh, they work..and I've had some of the best relationships out of those situations..

it's like a spin-off of "opposites attract" - again, but those two on paper, you would never think they would work out, but put into practice and they do...that's life, that's human existence..that's why psychology is a pseudo-science..because the human mind is not the same across the board for everyone...

So before I get all high and mighty I'll say one last thing...don't fucking judge what you obviously do not understand....ok, breath

I do not have a fear of commitment, I am not looking to just settle down..I know what I want, and I will hold my commitments, to you, to her, to me, to everything.







"Commitment is the spirit of determination and dedication found in Marines. It leads to the highest order of discipline for individuals and units. It is the ingredient that enables 24-hour a day dedication to Corps and country. It inspires the unrelenting determination to achieve a standard of excellence in every endeavor."

It's The Final Countdown...

T minus..

Go, no-go for launch..

We have now approached single digits

I have 9 days left of “freedom” before I begin a new chapter in my life, a very new very different chapter in my life. The problem is, it hasn’t hit me yet – Granted, I’m typing it all out and making everyone aware of the time left, so therefore I too am aware…it hasn’t hit me. Yes I know there are nine days left for me to get all my shit together, to see my family one last time, to try and prepare for what is to come.

Am I ready? No, not yet. And the closer I get to my departure time, the more I encounter that I need to take care of, or the more that things start messing up..it’s a problem. I wish it would all come together oh so smoothly, but everything is a process…it will come together, it just needs to run its course I guess.

All this shit piling up all at once and at the last minute doesn’t stress me out, it just angers me. I don’t worry about it because worry would be a waste of my time, effort, and imagination…but I get angry at it because of how it all comes up. I know things will work their course, it’s not a big deal or sweat off of my balls, it will get taken care of…if you start to stress it will only do more harm, physically and mentally.

If you think I’ve been mean to you because I’m “stressing out”, it’s not because I’m stressing out, it’s because you deserve it…and just like how the world threw all that shit at me to break my back, you’re failed attempts at being a good person to me broke as well.

Here’s one of my BIGGEST concerns..I told people 160 days ago that I was leaving..yeah, 160 if not more. You’d be surprised by the staggering number of people who have made, or not made, arrangements with me. They like to push it off to the last minute, you know, when all my shit is hitting the fan and I’m trying to get the fuck out of Dodge..

These are the same people who “want to see me” so badly…yet, I must cater to their needs and find them?! They can’t make the time for me, to come and see me or hang out for lunch, yet, they can check into a bar every night on facebook with their other friends? That type of shit pisses me off. NO I will not come to you, NO I will not make the arrangements with you..I’M the one leaving, if you care, you would have seen me by now. To those arrogant sons of bitches I say GFY.

I hope to god they don’t have the balls to show up to my going away party that I put together, stress on the I because even my closest friends couldn’t organize their daily routines.

Other than that, just random bullshit...I've got so much to say, so little time to do so...but I need to keep writing..I can't not write while I'm at "camp" - Need to keep going strong with this...oh my god, I leave in nine days....Holy God. This is going to change my life in a zillion different ways. I must be nuts.

What stresses me out is my room being irregular.

"When it rains it pours, and since it's winter it's an ice-storm...Icepoclypse indeed.."