I'm Gel-ing

not in a good way,
like a green way...

Did i say i was Gel-ing, i meant Jeal-ing, as in jealous...

Today class we will be discussing jealousy in relationships. My following response is based off of my own personal experiences, and through some much recent research and experiences, has altered greatly from the views i once held.

Jealousy is a two-way street in which both parties are to blame; now granted it may be two-way, some way's just have more lanes of traffic (like those effed up roads by Mass Ave..what's up with that?)

i say

Do What I Ask of You..

..not because i said it
..because you WANT to do it

because sheep are common, sincerity is rare...

I don't like telling people what to do - i know i know..i know what you are thinking..don't you constantly tell people to "fuck off", isn't that telling them what to do...you know what i say to that, fuck off...anyways, i don't like telling people what to do, i don't like asking people to do things either - granted it's a form of a psychological behavior characteristic where i have a fear of dependency - nothing is really ever going to change that though, soooo it's still my reality.

i don't like asking for help, whether i'm at work, walking down the street, whatever; not because i have some macho complex where i feel as if i can do it myself, it's because i don't like putting people out like that. i don't want to ask for help because i don't want to inconvenience someone, i don't want them to do something they don't want to do...now this goes into a deeper thought where i'd say, if they really wanted to help, they would have asked or jumped right in...if they saw me carrying a bunch of shit they should have done the right thing and held the door open..

so this goes right into, i'd rather let people fail me and let me down, then try to keep them on a level of respect they don't really deserve. if i were to ask fucktard to "hey, can you hold that door for me" and they did, sure it betters me for a moment since i won't have to struggle to juggle the groceries, swipe my card, catch the door with the three seconds i have to get it opened and get in..but it doesn't do anything for the credibility for that other person...they did something because they were told to do so - granted they didn't have to, but in their minds they have done their one good deed for the day, even though it wasn't a real act of genuine compassion, they were merely doing it to not feel bad about being a horrible person.

All this is exactly the opposite of how i act; i'm more likely to give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. i constantly put myself out there for other people, i do things for them, that, i wish people would do for me - it's like a twisted form of the golden rule - i do those types of things for people because that's the kind of respect and love i liked shown in return. i'd never ask someone to move to be with me, but you better believe i'd move for them without their ever questioning it.

And the same goes for things that were asked of me as well. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was actually never said to me, but rather relayed back to me through co-workers. Someone said, "Jangus could have twenty different things going on, but if you needed something and you asked him, he'd have twenty-one.."

Now granted i may put the needs of others before mine a lot, i may do things for people that i wouldn't do for myself, i also put forth a faith in people that is greater than it may should very well be. i think that because i do all these things for people, i will someone see the benefits in return, when i will need them..

take work for example...have you ever been the one to constantly pick up some slackers shifts time and time again...only to have when it came your time to cash in one little favor in comparison to the many you've done for them...your request is not met...this is how my life works.

And though i know i stated i don't like to ask for certain things, i will occasionally do so...but it only becomes a bigger slap in the face when once i asked for certain said thing to be done or not done..only the opposite continues.

when it comes to certain relationships i'm not going to tell you what to do or what not to do, i may give some ground rules on what i'd like to happen or not to happen, what would hurt me, what would make me happy, but i will not chain you up like an outside dog and say stay. you are given the power of free will, i'm not going to stifle that. HOWEVER, in caps for a reason, your actions make up your own destiny...

My relationships with people are very similar to that of god's with people...yes you have the ability to do whatever you want...buuuuuuut, there's things i'd not like you to do..and if you do them, well, we won't reach that nirvana. (Hi, i'm god)

all this is really is just an ongoing test - test my patience and fail

prove to me that you're worth my time, and i'll do the same in return...

only you can prevent forest fires..







"Kiss me, please kiss me, But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation."

NEW?

and..
..improved?

no...no, not really

ok, this is a new template, tell me your thoughts...









"the time's they are a-changin' "

Turn, turn, turn

to everything..
there is a season..

a reason why i hate summer...

it's that time of the year again, inevitably so, that summer has come upon us. Most people will go with some archaic mythological belief that summer starts on (approximately) june 21st, or rather the "summer solstice" - those who are a little more educated will know this to be the day the earth stands still, well one of the two in a year.

for those living in the northern hemisphere we incorrectly and haphazardly call june 21st the first day of summer, as it has been dubbed the summer solstice...all that means is, hey, today is the longest day of the year, from here on out days will be getting shorter again...if anything how does that mark the beginning of summer, shouldn't it mark the beginning of fall, or the end of summer?

but no, we call it the beginning of summer based on some stupid beliefs we recklessly hold onto...in my opinion summer starts when those pools open, when it's ok to wear white again, when the temperature is conducive to turning on the air conditioning, when school is no longer is session...for some of those things that would sometime in may, maybe strectching towards memorial day at that...

maybe it's the turning over to a new month in a calendar, june 1st - that would make sense with all of the incoherant dribbling posts i've read over the past couple of days from people estatic for it to be june...*looks around the room* i'm sorry, di-did i miss something...does, or did, something crazy happen in june i am not aware of?

i can't say i have ever seen such overwhelming responses from the multitude of the idiots i claim to be friends with who were so jubilated with the turning over to june that they not only had to declare it in social media form, but with such uncertainty "couldn't believe june was already here!?"

at first glance i thought they were happy because it was june, but to me that just didn't seem right...so naturally itried to offer any other explanation to make the masses less foolish...maybe somebody named June was appearing in concert, tv show was debuting, visiting, anything of the sort which just so coincidentally happened to occur on the new month, which just so happened to be june...yeah, no such luck

however this is not my sole reason for hating summer, rather it was a catalyst to remind me of how much i hate summer, and the reasoning still standing, because of idiots.

one strong factor is that the weather changes, for the better - so how can i hate that you ask...well it's not so much as the amazing weather i hate, but rather insomuch as to what it causes. people.

and you know, it's not even summer as a whole that i hate, it's the Midwestern mentality of what summer is and what it means. i'm sure that if i lived in a tropic climate such that of hawai'i or cali, or some other part of the dessert that this inexplicable behavior wouldn't take place...only in the god forsaken midwest. now yes those places mentioned do go through varying weather conditions and season changes, but to a far less degree than that of midwest and the like states - drastic changes in temperature where you can have weeks at over 100 degrees to weeks under 0 degrees all within the confines of 365 days...

so what is so wrong with the "Midwest mentality on summer", as i am calling it now, and the bringing out of people, just that. maybe to better understand my hatred towards summer it's best to start with why i like fall most of all. i'll be the first to say and admit that i hate colder temperatures, and if i could have it my way i'd prefer to live in a tropic climate mentioned much earlier. and even though i was born and raised off the lake of michigan in illinois i still hate the cold, and with each passing year that goes by i can handle it less and less. there is no conditioning and tolerance towards sub-freezing temperatures dissipates as you grow older just as quickly as the heat.

i'm not the only mid-westerner who feels this way - as much as we'd like to say how tough we are
as we battle through the conditions year in and out, we despise it...and as soon as the sun starts to lose it's shine and a gentle, cool breeze blows through we all scour with our tails in between our legs back indoors, killing the a/c and cranking up the heat, while frantically searching in our basements for our layers, scarfs, parkas, and shovels...it's true, we're pussies who are prepared.

and that's what i like about fall, people, the general masses, running back inside - not polluting the streets with their cars, flooding parks, jogging about shirtless thinking they in the best shape of their life when all you really wanna do is yell at them like marky mark to put a damn shirt on...

and as much as i encourage people to live their life, to seize the day, and all that, this is not the time.

i hate how the warmer weather brings those people out, because it's a mentality that isn't right, that isn't good - these are the fair weather people we've all been talking about!...they come out in the fancy cars they only take out because the weather is perfect..people driving around in their convertibles with the tops down like they are gods gift of the roads..i hate people that are conditionally convenient bandwagon jumpers on life - people who will run and hide at the first sign of unfavorable conditions, but otherwise try to claim the land like they never floundered..

so it's not the warm weather directly that i dislike, rather i much enjoy a good summer's day on a patio sipping on a sugary concoction that's horribly dressed with colorful fruit and umbrellas wishing it could always be like this, wishing i were somewhere else. but it's the weather that brings out those assholes i could care less to see...those a-holes who, while i'm still on the patio drinking my drink in october, they've long gone to their resort homes or cruise-line vacations

i hate summer because i hate people...but only in the midwest....










"Cause I love to live so pleasantly
Live this life of luxury
Lazing on a sunny afternoon
In the summertime"

I

..need....
..this....

i need to do this, if anything else, i need to do this....

as i went about my day, my day off, my first day off in a week, my first day off after working a 60 hour work week with very little, if any extra, compensation monetarily but rather the compensation came in the form of me losing my edgey-ness just a little bit more, i thought about a lot of things...

one topic was writing again, and as much as i'd hate to admit it, it's something that crosses my mind more than several times a week, maybe even once a day, and if not, well the next day makes up for it..

and as it goes, as always, i have at the moment at least three good ideas for some posts...of course i won't write them now, even though they are fresh on my mind, and inevitably i will forget them when it comes time to plop myself in front of the screen and go to it...if i ever get that chance.

so let this be my prologue, the introduction to what i hope is my return to the blog - i don't know how many times i've said that, but it's one of those things...i made the time..i think - rather what are the things i do when i get angry at the world - shut out people, tune out the world, get angry and keep to myself, write(in some form or another), and that time is coming around again...so when opportunity meets something..i don't know the phrase, but here i am...










"born to lose, destined to fail.."