Happy Halloween!!!

ok i thought i'd quickly stop in to make this post.....so after this it's back to the party...

anyways, random thoughts.......apparently i was online and didn't know it, if you messaged me and i didn't respond, well it was because i actually wasn't even here, sorry, guess i forgot to sign off or something..so sorry, catch some other time....


oh, and how appropriate is it that lady l's ring on my phone is paint it black by the rolling stones..yeah i downloaded it, it's good, i enjoy the piss out of it....but is it fitting for her? i was also thinknig sympathy for the devil, but that would be my ring...

oh, and i wore my hat agian last night.....i love the fact that everybody enjoys it...people either think i'm micheal jackson or freddy....one made the refernce to frank sinatra....and one person put it together saying it was, "the pimp, micheal stlye, dark and mysterious freddy, jason angus look" that of courwes i can only pull off....one person said if i ever stay at their house, i have to wear the hat becase it looked sexy...whatever

yeah it may be blurry, but that just adds to the whole dimentia of it....right? well that's al for now, i'm gonna go down for apples, or something like that you can say...

Hmmmm
And it makes me wonder..sure does....

ohhhh ohh ohh...sorry...well i'm here, not knowign what to say as normal....say jimmy and heather last night...and there's a funny life story about that....

we visit with jimmy, and we go to wal-mart, then eat at steak and shit....we converse, have a good time, it was worth it all in all..then we drop off jimmy and call heather, she's hungry so we get her...we take her to jimmy john's....we eat, agian kinda, and we're there for only a few moments, then she wanted to go back..of course i could relate to this being used and all, i said, just like a woman, "pick me up, pay for my food, ok i got what i wanted, take me back.." yeah exactly....

i actually ate a lot yesterday come to think of it, i mean afterall it was cheap cheeseburger day at mcdonalds...i think i was there at least 4 different times...kinda sad...

well maybe not as sad as billy hanging out with jim loch, but that's an entirly different story.....oh billy said he has to go for some surgery..and as always there's that slight chance he may not make it, so we wish him well...

well i kinda got nothing still...poems and other things are on my mind, i guess it goes with the look as well....no real updates from my life, target is target, the toy team has been hired, i got 40 hours last week, and our reindeer run is in a couple weeks, christmas is here, and as i said before, i can't wait for it to come, well at least in the target world, things are a lot better when i'm working a lot of hours...i guess i'm content with a lot of things when it comes down to it, i may be stubborn, but that's just if it is presented wrongly, i'm nothing to worry about, don't cloud your head about it..i'm on my own, going down the only road i've ever known you may say....goodnight for now

The Look

Corrine kissed me in the spring,
Angie in the fall,
But you only looked at me
And never kissed at all.

Corrine's kiss was lost in jest,
Angie's lost in play,
But the kiss in your eyes
Haunts me night and day.

Life Like This....

so as i worked last night at Target i was thinking, my normal, of this and that, lot of things on my mind, especially after the high of making a couple posts on here and my xanga....

so as i stood there i thought, "ok i gotcha, i'm onto you, i finaly caught on"...and waited for the camera crew to pop out....sometimes i feel as if my life is some sort of tv show, kinda like the joe shmo show, where he thinks it's a reality tv show, but everyone on it is a paid actor/actress....the finale was the other night not to mention....but yeah, how fucked up is that...there's also that new show out where the guy is the star in the "movie" but it's not really a movie...one of those things...so i'm thinking my life has to be one of those....my life is just some big joke of an experiment...

or i can even go to the extreme of saying it's like matrix reloaded...i'm an anomole, the fourth or so version of myself to come around, and they just alter something to see what my different reaction will be...seeing the different outcomes, how far one can be pushed, this and that....

i know obviously people have already thought this, i mean there wouldn't have been these movies if not for it, but i honestly think something is terribly wrong with my life/lifestyle/whatever...i mean yeah, all we are is dust in the wind..but there has to be somethiong more to it....maybe mor to it to those who think about it, who catch on to it...

i don't know, maybe i'm just rambling..i can't amount much to what's going on....i'd cry out for help, but what's the use...i mean look at where i am now...that's it

I Hate You, But I Love You....
I just became your sucker....

ohhh, well this can be a lengthy, never ended problem/post/plea for help....and so for that reason it must be told....

so now I move you to the topic of lady l, the lovely lady l, whom I adore, could love, and is tied around her finger....that all sounds pretty intense as I read it back...so yesterday was the first time that I got...not mad...maybe not let down, but something happened needless to say...

one of the thigns that shocked me the most was while we were driving to god knows where, she mentions how she heard mr t had a small pe..dick (she doesn't like the word penis) I laughed because I knew of mr t's boisterous accounts of his dick, so I laughed...then it went into the whole so what if he does have a small dick (I myself having a small dick feel the right to stand up for those who ride in the same boat as me) and then it came out that lady l says size does matter, and it's not how you use it or anything like that...well these shocking statements, let alone from her, had my head spinning....a battle started to form, I trying to defend the use and techniques over size and pain, but eventually bowed out coming to the conclusion I use my tongue to do my work rather then my dick..so that settled that.....

but from there on out lady l turned into a little bit of a bitch...I don't remember actually what else went down, but I remember starting to dislike her more and more....and later that night I fell asleep in the passenger's side of my car as she drove the remainder way around, just so I could escape whatever it was that was going on.....

and as I dropped her off she even made a quasi-scene walking away saying something like, "yeah I know you hate me" and me actually calling out, "oh you know I love you" in that "I don't need to be truly sincere here because you know it's true and you're the one acting stupid" tone....

after that I started gathering my thoughts, I probably do love her more than she realizes, even though she may know certain things about me, I don't know if she really understands I have some sort of wired feelings for her......

I know remember making a playful shot at her last night about how I'm just like a booty call to her, I drop whatever it is I'm doing to meet her needs....I don't know if she got the trueness of it all, but it did hit her pretty hard, causing her to say she'll never call again...low and behold call comes in today, she stops by to see me, we hang out as normal...

it was funny though, mr t was with us, and lady l headed to the bathroom or something, and he asked me, 'ok you know I think she's hot and I'd fuck her, but god damn how do you put up with her all the time....and she's sooo loud..." I gave him a sterilized look, then he put together a little something in his head as I saw the light bulb go on and he replies, "ohhh, shit I forgot, you put up with (he didn't say anything)....he paused, shook his head,I mean you can put up with anything" my glare turned a little colder as my eyes became more slashed, but a smirk appeared from the hidden corner of my mouth, I knew what he meant...

so all in all, she reached that hurdle of where "I hate you" lies....and now that she has crossed over that I can now say she is truly a friend of mine...funny how that is, but I think everyone I've know that I can call a friend has reached that point, and even though you may hate them so much you don't want to see them again, it never happens that way...look at zach and I, we had our share of times when we could have killed each other at the drop of a hat, but we're good now...I can't recall a girl ever reaching this with me, when it gets to that point we both head in opposite directions never looking back...ehh it will be fun while it lasts I suppose....

Uneventful night...Maybe.....

so last night was, well my standard, yet a new face was brought into my mix...I feel sorry for them.....well let me give you the run down of it all...

I was feeling a little, not let down, rather about to say whatever...you see lady o was supposed to call me on two separate occasions, these calls were never made, and every time/night/weekend, we had planned for something to go down, well nothing actually happened..poor timing, judgment, whatever....so she decideds that monday night would be good of niht as ever to hang out or whatever...though repear's realm and a movie seemed out of place for that day....so then what to do...if she actually were to join me that evening....

well after running around a bit (story later) we finally met up, wow - said devoid of emotion...so I am indecisive as it is, as was she, she turned down the mini-gold idea because it was somewhat cold out...so we got in my car and I drove, as if I were going to work....our first stop..you guessed it, meijer...and we wandered around trying out the furniture, futons, bunk beds, and all the sort...then something drew us to the animals, wherein I took this picture....

which kinda scared me at first...because it reminded me of this picture.....

yeah freaky ehhhh??? not to mention it was brought to my attention that the coat in the picture on lady o has a strikingly similarity to a coat brooke owns....comments were made, no need for any more please........anyways

so after that we went to target...yeah, I don't know what we could have done there, but I bought some halloween peeps and called it a good time....

after that we headed down the strip to boarders....I don't know why two people trying to hang out would do such a thing, it's not like I can look at a book I want to while trying to entertain her as well.....we made our way into the fiction section, then she decided to have us pick up some poetry books and sit down to read them.....ok.....she read, I did better things....

of course I took pictures, but I did grab a book to read, funny how it was a love poetry book...I think she had one as well and some other book, she weas trying to find a robert frost poem for me to read...yeah then it was a night...

throughout the entire car ride she wouldn't bounce with me, not even after I put in the oldies cd to her request.....I think everybody has bounced, in one way or another in my car, so to have her not was...Sacrilegious to say the least.....but I got her to waltz wit me in the end, it's nice to know I still can do one thing right every now and then....that's one more pulled out of the hat.....

so yeah, the more I think about my trick and how much I rock, the whole night reminded me of my anabel lee, how sad....and the outting has caused some confusion in the waters, she thinks I am trying to be with her, when all I want is just to hang out with people...so I think I'll have to be straight up with all the presented facts/ arguments, I wonder how well this can go over, I assuming not bad, everything always works out they it should....

and as for the crappy night..well i like zach's motto stance on this subject...whenever he meets somebody knew he's always overbearing, over the top, whatever..and he knows that if they are able to put up with him at his worst, his in your voice dry sarcasm, then he knows you can be a good friend....so i guess in the same situation...if you can put up with my running around meijer sort of life, boring as it may be, you'll enjoy the hell out of me when things are actually done...and i don't have to live trying to overstep myself every single time....great philospohy.....

Can't Say I Didn't Want to Wake Up....
Because I'd rather not go to sleep and dream agian...

Ohhhhh..so i stayed up almsot all night watching a movie, though it never seemed to end, i swear it took four hours, but it was by far one of the greatest movies i've seen..oh the movie, As Good As it Gets...(i'll be making a post why i liked it so damned much later) who'da thunk it would be as great as i thought it was....but that's just me..after watching i was hyped, but decided to crash anyways, it was like 6am or so....

so i lay sleeping, having one of my wierd dreams agian...it's like i'm in a new/different place, i have no idea what the hell is going on in the big picture of it all, but i'm just going through my motions, as the only way i would. i don't know why or how i get to the different parts/places in my dream, what leads me there and back or to and froe, but i am going, walking, doing the things "it" wants me to do, of course i don't really analyze all this when i'm dreaming, all i know is i have no idea what's gonig on, but i'm gonig with the flow, it's like everythings predetermined, yet it feels i still have control because i'm going thrugh my standard motions...craziness...anwyays, my dream turned into a nightmare, and it was the last bit of the dream as well, it was horrible, but i woke up, in a tizzy, and heard my phone ringing, how appropriate was it that "stairway to heaven" was playing through my phone....

so even in my dreams i cannot escape reality, my reality haunts me in ever bit of my life, it mocks me constantly. as if i thought my life as it is was bad enough, it gets it's kick to my balls when i'm sleeping, when i think everything will be fine...but it's not even safe to sleep...why must everything be an on going trauma...

well my hands are freezing, i'll get back to posting later, give you guys tim ti catch up on my (lengthy) posts.......til we meet agian....

Oh What a Night....
I'm not sure if that is good or bad....

so I noticed that people don't post, or read, or comment over the weekend, like they have things to do or something, amazing..yet, I do all my posting then, well here ya go anyways....

so when I left you with the last post I had no idea what I was going to do.....then I saw Toni clapp's away message, she was having her birthday party tonight, well last night, rather, the time I was reading it..anyways.....so I went to alco and bought a birthday card, standard Jason procedure, bought the you're turning two card, changed some numbers and re-wording the rhyming scheme and we were set..yeah toni's legal now for all of you out there...

I show up at 830 or so, go in through the front despite what the sign says, I couldn't just walk in, I slip in, that's my style. and I love Madeline, she always feeds me, she sees me and has a plate started for me, it's crazy go nuts, but I love it. so yeah I enter the garage where the party is happening, a couple people came up to me and hugged me, but of course I felt out of place, I sat and enjoyed my food....they started playing some techno, and you know I just wasn't feeling it, plus nobody had glow sticks but we're still trying to liquid, I didn't want to show anybody up so I observed, made some analysis of the different people there, I still don't see what went wrong...

oh, one thing that caused me to laugh aloud almost hysterically was when somebody called me "angus"...throughout the night, I was called Jason, even by the person who later called me angus, and when I heard it I almost didn't respond to it. funny how I thought I escaped from that name, yet given the right place and circumstance, it will come out...does anybody call me angus anymore..well vince's family does, but I expect that of them, so it's natural to hear there, maybe zach does, but, like I said, blends right with my ear....who knows....

so then they decided to go to gypsy's grave yard..ohhhh scary, so two vehicle's worth of people head out there. first time we drive past, there are already people there, so we make a long way around and come back to find them gone. We get out and of course people are freaking, and I just walk right in...it was funny how Chris and I led the way.....oh my dad, did he just say Chris and him, as in Chris roseavere??? Yes I most certainly did...anyways, we walked through, people thought they saw a lighted orb this and that, whatever....then we walked to the fence, Sarah made a big deal about touching it, so I hopped over...I've done all this before, nothing happened in any event...so then we ran back, why did we run, who knows, I calmly walked back....

so as we sat in the SUV thing Chris said how the real graveyard was on the opposite side of the present graveyard, which I do remember hearing, and so the people in our vehicle were the only ones who wanted to go into the uncharted woods. The van decided to circle around in the mean time...so as we gather up, a black jeep pulls up, slowly people start to get out saying they are the police, whatever, then appear three quasi-built/fat college guys who had to be smoking a little something before they came out that night. they were asking why we were here, and how they wanted to see some ghosts and shit, then they saw Chris' suv and started commenting on it, like "ohhh that's nice, who's is it" which turned into "who's got the Keys for this"....after hearing nobody say anything, I, who was standing furthest away from the vehicle yet in between the two groups, spoke up and said it was mine and dangled my keys in front of them.....I could feel a sigh of relief lift off of Chris for that moment (and again, sticking up for this guy...) the three guys then decided to go to the graveyard, we changed our plans and got the hell out of there...just in time too because the van that was circling called us to say that there were more cars there with more people....

after pulling a quick little prank on the van, we all headed back to toni's, there people dropped like flies, one by one the party was ending....we sat in the garage and talked, it was a good time....it was funny how Chris pointed out it was like a scene from a movie, the end of the party, streamers half up and the other half down, music playing in the background and the disco light was still spinning....

many conversations accrued, they asked to see pictures of people like Vince and dews now, then they talked about how all my friends that they knew of have changed, yet I still was the same, it was good to hear that.....they also spoke of other people they knew of that have changed and how they hate the new person, and how they really won't have to deal with them every again...

oh, Chris asked Toni, best lead up every, what Vince looked like..and she was like "well you've seen him", and he said, "well not that as close as you have", but slyly as t not reveal it was a joke...and Toni still didn't get it, then I busted out laughing, "because you made out with him" then everybody joined in at that moment....and of course I then yelled out, "twice" which brought on more onslaught from the crowd (I'm not knocking Vince here, I love him, and have made out with him as well, this is just for humerical purposes in the eyes of toni's friends...) then Toni made a rather un-original shot at me, which I threw back at her with a slight addition to her comment which only made the punch stronger (kamikaze comedian), but also was a rather lower shot then what I'm used to...but got a laugh and an even better comment from the crowd, which only made me feel better about my opinion...

so the night ended somewhere round 1:00 or so, and of course this is the night you change your clocks, so that will fuck with me some more....and then as we were all outside talking more, Toni asked if I remembered when the pity party showed up at her party years ago....of course I threw the date at her, november 11, 2000. Seeing her shock I then went into every detail I could of that night, what times we showed up, who was with who, probably could get down to the clothes if I tried, she was amazed by the detail I briefly gave to her, funny how I could replay that night in my head over and over again. After my rambling she then caught onto why I remembered everything so well, besides for my love of detail and story telling.....

so that was that, one hell of a night, I'm sure I forgot somethings, but hey, I made it long enough right? oh, one last thing I asked Sarah, "so you like stuff" and she responded, "yeah, hot enough for ya" I almost choked on my drink....damn good times...

Nobody's Fault but Mine....

So I made nothing of today, and I'm hating people more and more....damnation. I'm not making plans with any otgher single person erver agian, if they mention an idea, i'll giove them the finger, i hate waiting around for a call that's never made, bastards...

on a plus note, i got over 40 hours at target this week, how bad ass am i?

still on my emotional roller coaster, i hit highs at night, saying things that wouldn't seem like the norm compared to all this jibber jabber, but we'll see what prevails in the end....

watched the umich vs purdue game, go blue...yeah they won because they kick ass....even mine....

i'm trying to think of something that can induce amnesia, any ideas, i really really would like that right about now.....

i'm going through the, "i don't want people to touch me" phase, even to thr point of getting violent and such, yet i long to be held, crazy....

i get a kick out of how my memory works, and then causes me to yell aloud something stupid, like "hell yes backseat of van", which causes people to wonder what the hell is wrong with me, then me getting pissed at myself for having a flashback, twisted cycle...

oh, i forgot to mention this, but weeks ago, when i was going through "the drawer" loking for two items, i came across to little poem thingies written on a napkin, of course no dated to piss me off, but the titles were, "i was wrong" and "i regret"...and after making a post saying i didn't regret things, i found that to be funny, but i won't post them on here, i'm sure i'd regret that...

degauss....damn i love that little button

and why do i have to play the role of the bigger person, no said rule, especially since the tables have moved a bit, i proved my point, then they altered, but i don't like the ambush that's a coming, so i'm stepping back, i'll be stubborn and give what they wanted, i'm walking away with not a thought left, "if i waste one more breath on you, i swear it will be the last"

so this is a post for now, who knows what will come in the next hours, i have tonight and sunday night off as well, go me....go

Ta Hell Wit Dis.....

yeah....i'm not angry, though if provoked i will turn on you in a heartbeat right about now...chevy....anyways.....

i'm hitting all time low depression status, this usually happens around mid-november, give or take, but it's not even the end of october, which is not a very nice outlook for next month.....i don't know why i have this cyclical depression, i'm human, kinda like pms for a woman, but i'm in the bluest of blues....

i thought about the standard execution thign, naaa, i want my body to be rittled with bullets, ganglance style...just a thought....

last night at target wasn't better either..two things....everybody was having a bad night, myself defiantly included, and as everybody was griping i jokingly said do you think those bars are strong enough for me to hang myself, no i chuckled, it was said as a joke, but somebody got defensive and was like why would you want to do that...so me in my stubborness had to defend why on god's green earth somebody woyuld want to commit suicide....i commented about going to hell anways, then they said, but if you do that you'll be stuck in purgatory for all eternity....so what's so bad about that, not hell, not heaven, just the middle, doesn't sound so bad.....

and then the next thing, i got pissed at the backroom team lead, stacey, i already was in a bad mood on the line, then she cam over and did something, and it angered me..so then i wouldn't talk to her, just ignored her the rest of the night, no biggie.....but apparently that upset her...she's a team lead, people hate the team leads on a daily basis..oh but when i decided not to talk to someone who upset me, the world stops, helllll no. i thought the funniest lines i said last night was when helen said i looked upset, and i responded with, "do you usually look happy when something pisses you off?"..i don't know, i had some other one liners and forgot those as well...

and then i had to go into the highschool today, i didn't think it would be so hard, but god damned if it didn't bring me to my knees. i walked around looking at the new construction, everything still had that same smell..it was sad...and of course walking by everything reminded me of some occurance that happened there..and of course it was all the things haunting me that i want rid of, first kiss, the spot where we said our goodbye's, my locker, the place where the gum didn't exchange like it should have, running/skipping round the halls, the girls room.....it was too much.....

i don't know if i can take all this, next month will be even worse, and it seems every year is getting worse...if i can make it til x-mas, i know i can make another year, but what's to say i will be able to make it after this time next year.....goodnight

Bleak Horizons....

what the hell.....i don't know what is even going on anymore........i realized i ket my sanity to a minimum with the help of her, and now it's gotten back to where it left off, and is in full steam...maybe it's the season, i'm always depressed around these times, i have depressing thoughts, but nothing off the level this much...just to show you what crosses my mind every second picture this.....

why would i like this....i'm on the ground, well knees on the ground, but still upright, head tilted slightly downward, basiclly it's in classic execution style...and yeah, well i think you can gather the rest.....still think air injected into a main vein would reign tops on my list....

and dispite all this depression/anger/confusion/why o why...i've been,well frisky as of late...it's that damned zeppelin, been listeing to it constantly for several days now....i think there's somethign about it that gets me going in that way. for the first time really, i wanted lady l today....so now i'm just going to lock myself in a closet til this passes, nothing like a jason in heat so to speak...well i'm not saying it's really bad, i think it's the timing of everything and the comments that have been made to me as of recent as well...

my car is black, not yellow, and i don't have salai's phone, so that means i'm not a taxi...but apparently people think i am....well i guess it's ok when they buy the gas for me, but i think it's the principle, and i got myself into this mess, like always...

i don't know if i can take this anymore, i know it's what i wanted, but damned if it isn't turned around agianst me....they have to know it eats me up inside, every word i read pierces through me, it's one of the greatest tricks preformed, yet they are giving me what i wanted...this is ramblnig, end it please, i should have agreed with you, but damn my stubborness, damn it to hell, it will be the downfall of me, do us a favor and go the way you wanted.....

the sunset this evening was pretty....

At a Loss....
Like a Bird on Barbed Wire....

well, i don't even know why i wanted to blog...i don't really feel there is anything on my mind, especially right now.....there's action on the xanga if you care to check that....things are spin round, right round, you could say it's like a record, but probably not....oh, i thought it would be funny as some sort of joke to hang myself in the stairway..i know it's wierd, bt as i walked down the stairs i had my belt over my shoulder or around my neck, either way with all the prison shows i've been watching on the travel channel it just popped into my head...then i realized it wouldn't be cool and it wasn't a joke, so here i am...ohhh, there's a lot of crap going on, i'm not sure how much longer i will be able to hold on, i'm kinda set in some areas for a couple months, maybe with it being a seasonal time i can pick up something to get by, and if that all goess well we're looking maybe pushing it to june, then i don't know what, but that is if all goes well now, life's messed up and for some reason i'm still holding on, if only by a wire..........it's a double truck tonight, and yes i work......with all these ideas in my head, it's going to be a long night....

That's Weird.....
sorry, but it's long.....

So todayÖactually I mean Monday morning was really messed up.......where to begin.....well someone hacked into Xanga account, changed the picture and some of the wording in the profile......I know very well who it was, but let me just dish out all the facts.....

The wording that was changed would only effect one person alone, so it was her.......but the other facts would be the only way to know the password to my xanga account would be to get into my umich account, which this person has been doing for some time......and what makes it even more clear is the fact that my umich account logs the time "you" were last there...and when those times correspond to when somebody is out making blogs and comments, well you set your own trap...

Talk about snooping, that's like in civilization II where you declare a peace treaty and alliance with a country, then send your diplomat into one of their cities to steal ideas....if you want to leave me be, then do just that, if you want to have coffee with me later, fine, but regardless, nobody has any right in my email account....like there's anything in there to begin withÖall I get is pointless emails about "what's happening with BAMM and the rest of Michigan", I still like to use it because it's spam free, although somebody's been fucking with that as well...

I don't know, if you wanted to get into an email account, "angus_ap" would be the one, itíll make your head spin and take you a long time to read it all, but it's all old shit, nothing recent.....have fun, Iíll even give you the password to it too...there's nothing to hide, but things for you to distort, so have fun with it all like you have been....but if you want recent crap, that's my "jasoncangus" account, and there's nothing in there besides business related stuff, so feel free, Iíll post a link in a bit that'll be of service to you as well...all this for the low low price of STAYING THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE AND BUSINESS.....

Anyways, the picture the person uploaded was of Tyler Durden from Fight Club......so it means either A) they want the reader to think Iím vain and think I look like brad pitt...B) they personally think I look like brad pitt, though I have been noted to have some similarities when I wear the brown leather jacket.....or 3) they think I am some deranged alter ego like Tyler was in the movie....who knows, but I like it, I think....

And on top of that, Brooke re-subscribed to reading my Xanaga, how was nice was that...she even made a comment how we can do coffee the next time she is in town, huh, is she coming around or what, I defiantly didn't see this one coming...though she doesn't make the comments regarding what I blog about on here, rather she makes them on my xanga and gets me totally confused.....

Anyways, after all that mess I went to where I was heading to begin with, when I got there, nobody was in sight, not even around as far as the eye could see...it was almost 7 as well....so then I sat down and strummed some guitar....but every third cord progression I did sounded off...I looked about my fingers, moved then slightly to be more on the chords, but still nothing...I couldn't even play lay lady lay, it was all messed up.....

After that I tried watching the news...fox news of course...and must all weather people be screwed up ion the head, well I guess this michelle person is funny in some sort of way....then the taste of mandarin filled the air, yet the mint was hard to grasp as I watched a history channel special about the Spartans...I didn't want to wake up back in the twilight zone again...

A Post of Something....

Let's see what I got here...well I made a comment on my Xanga about how I always appologize, saying, "I'm sorry" in awkward situations....I gave the example of the, "hey, you look familar.." followed by my reply of, "i'm sorry"..it just comes out naturally....what am I sorry for, it's just one of those things...anyways..

It ain't easy being me..I heard the, "i once was wearing no shoes, i was sad..then I met a man with no feet..." story, not told directly to me, if it were i would have beaten some ass....the moral is you may thuink you have it rough, but somebody else has it rougher.....i don't know, read my little subject to the blog over there to the left and i pretty much sum it up. bah...

watched parts of the new joe millionare..the best line came from a chick who said she could love the cowboy millionare because in the past she's used to dating artsey poor bastards...yet loved everyone of them.....i didn't really get the full effect typing it, but the way it was said brought joy to me....

Where your pleasure is, there is your treasure: where your treasure is, there is your heart; where your heart is, there is your happiness randomness

kendall just said she'd like to marry some rich guy she can bum off of..i asked if i won the lotto would she marry me, she said sure....i think that would be one of the most dysfunctional marriages possible, but hell, it just as could work out better than our last relationships, opposites attract right?

i made a post last night, quasi-angry, but the internet was goofing up, so i saved it in word, i think i'll post that now

Confused.....

confused....yeah, angry and sad....life's spinning round and know not what to do...my head's hurting agian, it's that prolonged headache i get every now and then, i want it to go away, but i don't know how....my posts are too long, my fingers bleed all the emotion from my heart, yet there's nothing left because there's already been a flood, so what else can pour emotion out then....anyways, this is rambling and crashing at a quick pace, i have the day off, what am i going to do, if i waste the day away, i'll be everso pissed, yet i feel more than blah, i want the earth to swallow me whole right about now...apparently nobody has ever said "crucify me", and yes i know the correct phrase is "crucify him", but i said what i said...whatever, i'm drifting...

So I Realized.....

ok, after looking at my blog as you the viewer does, i noticed i make some damn long blog entries.....now they are spaced out into paragraphs, but damn, they're fucking long...and i also noticed lack of comments on such entries, probably because people don't read them due to the length.....so now i will try to break up my thoughts even moreso, into individual blogs...but i hope i don't bombard you with multiple posts for one day...let's see how this works out....

The Vents are Open.....

so two things, first, i just opened my umich email account and found some hate mail.i guess i need to keep my opinions to myself and not make comments on people's blogs, sorry zach..it wasn't a bad hatemail, just them not liking what i said, no real hate involved, but it went in the hatemail folder, funy that i actually have those for all my email acounts.....so yeah, another one bites the dust...

and another thing....if it isn't yours don't touch it...well that's how i feel about the guitar....when salai asked to play it, of course i was hesitant, but allowed, barcus doesbn't even ask, just grabs for it...then they want to mess with the tunning......i don't care as long as they put it back to normal without fucking up the string tension...but i get it back out of whack....look if i wanted to play "your body is a wonderland", then i would have it in drop d to begin with, since i don't, i play standard...damn people...and put it back where you got it, i hate when things are out of place....picky bastard i am....

i guess i'l throw this one in too, yeah i'm picky, always have been, just how i was raised, and yes beggers can be choosers....if i don't like sometyhign, well then i'll voice my opinion about it, i'm meticulous, everybody knows that, to win over my heart with that typ of value takes a lot, somethign so minor as a scratch can cause me not to want it, or look fro something better, no onions or i won't eat the thing, and so on.....i'm picky, i'm hard to please, but obviosuly not that hard if i'm still here, something has had to make me happy more than once....as of now, i'm, going back to the corner, unleash it later, goodnight

Billy's Going to Die...
Finally a post that's short and sweet...well not really, whoops

yeah so on the way to work sometime last week, billy had a minor heartattack and went to the hospital...of course we all knew this would happen sooner or later....the bastard wasn't even supposed to run, he could have dropped dead on the spot...and then not to mention his father did die an early death as well...so now billy tells us this story, all while puffing on a ciggerette, fool...it's funny how non-shaken up he is..he has to wear this thing on his chest now, along with his nipple piercings rfom the week prior.....his heart not only murmors, it skipps beats, and not to mention completly stops at times...yeah so instead of a wedding like we all hoped for, we are gonig to have a funeral for billy...services will be held shortly

Girls....(said in that high pitched voice I do so frequently)

so yeah, yesterday was "sweetest Day"...some hallmark holiday crap thing.....anyways..I remember about three years ago I made up a little mail I was going to mass send to the pity party and a select few others as well, it was just me bitching about the "holiday" and tying in pity party to it all, I don't think I ever did send it out, but if I did, I wonder if anybody has it still..if not I know I have it saved on my computer...can't exactly remember what it said, but it was good, I know it.....maybe that's why 10/17 sounded familiar...hmmmm

and this has been on my mind.....girls, well mainly me bitching about them.....
something came up about my age, and the age of a selected person everybody wants (even though they know it would be wrong on a couple levels, yet great for revenge and other reasons) me to get with this one chick....well I thought about it, and my thoughts are pretty much the same as always, but I think I will just type them out now.....

I've never really liked a girl that was my age, granted growing up in elementary and middle school it's a little different, but even then I did like older chicks.......but girls my age just have this stigma about them.....they're all bitches...honestly, this 17-24? range I've seen nothing but the crap I hate......

back when I was little (4-12) I had my playground crushes on girls my age, though in some older ones here and there....but I think it was about the age of 12 or sixth to seventh grade, whichever occurred first, I realized the girls my age suck, didn't know why at the time, but they were different than me. I devolved my fling with marion, who was way older, and of course nothing more than just my crush on her, but she was young to me, even though there was a 5 year age difference....then later came laura (not the party laura I grew up with) and then we had a 2 year age difference (15 vs 17)....and of course she looked down on the youngness of myself, but that never stopped anything that happened between us, even through our distance, me living in lowell and her in homewood, we came together every weekend and had our jollies..things were good..and I still hated girls that were my age.....maybe it was the lack of interest in me from them, whether it been from me too mature, or not mature enough, which could change at any moment, or whatever reason thereafter....

after laura moved to indy that was the end of her, and the end of hope. I was now a sophomore, looking at the girls in my class, and knowing there wasn't going to be anything....and don't even try looking for the older girls in highschool, you had to be some jock with a big dick in order for that to happen, so even though I had my desires for a few older woman, my thoughts went to the younger prey....

the class of '02 was a great little bunch, full of hotties, I think I worked on them even for two years, the class of '03 had no appeal, obviously cuteness skipped years...and then the class of '04 came in...

well by now I'm a senior, I have no other choice but to look for someone younger, I still hated my senior class girls, even though certain attempts to make it back in were made, they obviously failed.....

I think the desire of looking into the younger girls is brought on by the attitudes of the different ages....see when you're young, you're immature and you know it.....when you come into this realm of where I am at, you think you're now mature, but you aren't.....and when you are older you're mature and you know it....

so that middle group....they kinda go with the I know everything sort of crowd, or too good for you group....it's all about the attitude.....not once has there ever been a girl my age to want me, like me, or want to hang out with me....I'm a different person, I know that.....

so the young girls, I like to hang out with them because I know I can have a good time with them, I'll always be a child at heart, and maybe I'll never grow up, but I know for certain I am wise beyond my years. maybe even deep down inside I feel like I want to enlighten their lives with my experiences/mistakes/etc., but I don't want to crush their spirits, and so I remain quiet, only offering insight when asked on a personal basis....

I mean look at my girlfriend of three years, there was a three year difference between us......I don't think I've changed at all, I'm still the same person, and my age has no reflection on who I am. sure it may seem weird if you do the math, me hanging out with some sophomore or junior....in highschool, but that's how my mindset is, I know how they feel and interact, I think I was dropped off by the bus at that age and haven't gotten a cab ride yet. people are people, no matter what age, I always forget my age when people ask, it's just a number, not a way of life, and it doesn't determine anything. if anything I'm at my peek,k this is as good as it will get, so sad, but yeah...

so if you know me, and those who read do, you know how I am, I don't mean any harm, I have morals, I'm a toys r us kid, and this is a time when girls my age suck, and not in the good way..find me one that doesn't and I'll show you a lie....

now I only mentioned younger woman there, of course there have been the older ladies that have caught my eye. and of course that year difference is a lot different when the tables are turned......senior guy dates freshman girl, it's ok, but senior girl date freshman guy, that's totally different, there's like a doubling of age distance there...mainly it's been within range, of course there have been a couple to get into that oh my dad age range, I think we all know what I'm talking about, I'm not a motherfucker, honestly.....

but anyways, that's that....say what I've done or doing is wrong, but look at me and you will see, that's just who I be...I don't mean to cause alarm or bring any harm, I just want to be with people who act like themselves and know it, maybe wild and carefree is what I like, but then again on older girls that should have died out and it's not so cool then. girls are crazy and messed up, maybe i'm, just as messed up, some believe stronger than others. these will be the craziest and most interesting of years to come, who knows how i'll handle them, who knows what I want...maybe a cigarette now, goodnight....

Weekending....

ohhhh...left me tell you, this has been one hell of a week...and it's all been blah!

if I were to sit down after these events happened...like I should, I hardly ever update on the weekend....you would get a crap load....

I went into my reclusive stage, but for some reason I was more than obliged to see salai...in fact I spent the greater parts of my wakened hours with him.....

plans fell through on Friday, all 12 of them...Olivia says we'll go to reapers realm next weekend, I missed seeing kill bill with barcus, I never got back in touch with Vince like I said I would, jimmy was mia, salai and I drove around with nothing to do, though we had many a great laughs....

sat came and I awoke at 2..missing my scheduled outing with nancy...but I made it to alco in enough time to see Olivia, if only for a few seconds...after she said one of the most hurtful things to me the night prior, I still came in to see her, even after no call was made to me from alco..Interesting......but I won't see her again till Wednesday....and sad as that may be, it does upset me, though it shouldn't....last week she wasn't available Tuesday or Thursday, and I just remember how void it felt knowing that I couldn't stop ion to alco to see her, and what was I going to do to pass the time till the next day.....what kind of emotions are those....kinda sounds like I'm in love or something, which is just totally stupid, I can't nor will ever be again, period.

so yeah, salai and I went to the mall, and we bummed around, and then we went back to his house where he had an excellent home cooked meal....but it was rushed, my other "sweets" wanted me up at the movies by 8, we were all supposed to see texas chainsaw massacre....which I have already promised to see with 4 other people, and that's not even one of the three movies I planned on seeing this weekend, damnation......but anyways, we got there, on time mind you, but while in line it became sold out....they had their tickets, salai and I were left with nothing, and there wasn't another show worth seeing in our time frame...he went back home for some warm pumpkin pie, I wandered off into the night shadows till I had to work at target....

so yeah, tomorrow (really today) is Sunday.....lord only knows what is capable of happening...meet us under the tent..I sooo want to go there

everything seemed to fall out of place, out of time out of mind, story of my life i suppose...going to watch a movie now....

And Another Thing....

well actually a couple....things that just bother me for the sake of bothering.......

this date sticks out in my head for soem reason...anybody know why....because i as sure the hell don't.....but somebody mentioned a couple weeks ago they were doing something the 17th..then i put together 10-17..why does this strike me as something in my history that something went down...i know if i go throguh my notebooks i'm bound to have something written about this date...i'm thinking it was someting in highschool, but who knows, is it someone's birthday? please if you have any insight let me know...

also...at work the other night someone was making fun of the way i was talking, i said, "yeah, i'm a re-re", then i paused, realized they had no idea what i was talking about, then said retard....butthen i thoguht what made me say that...and better yet, who did that come from....i started thinking about it for awgile....it comes from somebody that knows me well, so it has to be somebody close to me, i can just tell....then i thoguht maybe it can from my old school days back in lynwood..but the only word to make it out alive from there was "blue35tuesday", and even then it had to loose the "and 2 dollars" part from the ending of it..so which takes me back to lowell...who the hell said this, who's inside joke was this.....i know it's not an aquaintance, this is from someone meaningful, but it doesn't fit with zach, or vince, then who....grrrrrrr.....but then agian i could be wrong about it all, any ideas, please help...

and why do people think i can do soo much, i can achieve soo much, they have all this preset propoganda that they beleive in an somethign great, somethign worthwhile....haven't i proved all this wrong..why do people make me out to be something i am obviously not...i'm me, and i'm pretty sure we all know who that is....i don't work hard trying to be somebody i'm not, it's stupid and i hate it....

grrrr...well that's all i got for now, i think i had more, maybe not, but i'm done indeed. til next time

Hey, Did You Know There's an "End" Button on the Keyboard....
Sadly, It Doesn't Work....

Yeah...I only confirmed your statements with that last post of mine.....and I know it isn't going to get any better, if anything this is just the beginning....

ohhh crap, what a day what a day....Well, extended version day, from yesterday into today, a 24 hour period for myself, thus making it a day for me......it all started last night at target....

I was doing some inner reflecting on myself, I was already not in a "good" mood with the crap that happened while we unloaded the truck, so I basically just kept to myself and surprisngly nobody thought anything of it, good thing too. but the thoughts that were racing in my mind weren't good, coupled with that of the oldies station and you have one depressed jason. I think I've rode my high for a long enough time, the coldness of my winter is settling in....

funny part, was right before the true depression setting I had some very angry idea, don't know how much I meant it, can't remember what brought it on, but it wasn't good...and then I thought about how stupid I sounded in the process...of course I wanted to make it a post at the time, but the anger dropped from me, and now I'm here empty without those true thoughts, I'll try to replicate later maybe....

so yeah, the depression settled in swiftly, my inner reflections brought on nothing but pain, and I kept getting sidetracked with my ideas to the one thought, the one problem....maybe it was that damn oldies music that was playing...come to think of it, I usually don't get like this when I'm rocking out to "bigger than my body", just thinking about having a threesome while the song is playing or with john mayer, or some sick sexual pleasure like that...

I think by the end of the morning (how in the hell does that make sense) I was able to escape my thoughts and drift to another topic, trying to make top 10's of things, don't ask me why though.....so then it was over to my grandparents house....lordy was that something.....

I was there for about three hours, grandma talked to me about many a thing, of course I an thickheaded and get angry when confronted on certain things, but we moved past that point. jmy grandma started to build up my confidence on things, told me i should have taken some things back, this and that, little tid bits of whatever, got my mind off of things i suppose, and made me stay a little bit later. then they talked about how I was doing and my jobs and finances, then the self reflection started in again....then my grandpa had something to show me, he had just recently found the video from my open house on that fatefilled tuesday back in june....but there was nothing on the tape....he recorded over it with nothing but the lens cap....the entire day's events lost...then I started to remember everything that went on, my memory was so good it was like I had just watched the video, I can recall who was there and what they were wearing.....remembering all that, then founding out it was no longer ate me up inside...I had a comment, which after I said it thought it would make a cool sounding album, but of course I forgot it......I couldn't much more of it all, I wanted the earth to swallow me up whole at that point. I gathered my things, they always force things upon me when I come, and I headed out to my car, where the only thing to hold my crying head, was my own cold shoulder....

I slept for a little bit today, not very long, not like I was missed in the process either , but I did awaken...and later got a phone call about some mail that arrived today for me...a correspondence letter I had forgotten about, I was happy to hear I got a reply, but found out in was my letter, "returned to sender", ouch....

so now i think i want to change my opinion on the college people being back...don't ask me why i was so happy to see them..maybe i still am inside, but right now i just want to be left alone, alone to die maybe, but i don't think any social interaction is what i need, especially if it is only for a couple days, don't bother getting my hopes up...

so yeah, and i have to blame my mindless ramblings on what happens when i sit at a computer, depneding on what i do, what io read, really effects the outcome of my post, so today i didn't read anything, yet, but just a blob, like boy and his blog, sitting here....

Hey, Who Did That....

so yeah...not much to say....oh, those college fucks(i mean that in a very bnice way actually) are back in town..and suprsingly i'm happy to see them..go figure. a large group gathered only moments ago, it was very nice, reminded me of the old days....sigh.....but of course i have to work tonight so i passed on the outing....

it's funny how much there was top catch up on, yet nothing was said at all..i think the funniest comments of the night came from salai when he asked who i was talking to on the phone, i replied which caused a multitude of questions...i responded sure, whatever, yeah...then he asked kinda slyly, like he was trying to fuck with me...so you make out with her too? i didn't respond and went back to strumming the guitar.....it's funny how the non-answer is an immediate yes...at first he was in shock, then happy, then the realization turned into somewhat disgust, yet happy that my friend's three year old dream of making out with this girl is "true"...sadly it's not

which reminds of something else...the milk/makeup/lactoes intolerant story....totally not true, but i presented it on here because it was a story i made up, and i wanted an honest response for it, i thought it sounded funny, but i got mixed reviews....beleive me, i'm not as big of whore as the other...i don't go around making out, licking, get hickeys, and any other weird shit like that..i enjoy just hanging out with people, so sue me if it's with many different people...i'm not fucked up like others....

anyways, it sounded like it was getting angry there, so i'll be ending it soon...oh, and an update on the "big thign" i have not said yet, well, i still don't know what way i'm gonna go here, so the announcement will be made at the last notice possible, by the time anybody realizes what happened, it will be too late....

somethings are better left not said right...i guess that's how i feel when i type, certain peopl read this and i don't want to start shit, even though this is my blog, i stress the my part, but yeah...i'm as crazy as the next person...so if any random statements come out on here, take them in light, somethign as simple as "i fucked your sister" could come out, through the subconscious, that's kinda from a song zach used to play for me many years ago..everything has it's relavance...and without any explination, everything in here will seem completly insane, enjoy.

"I Found the Corner in the Round Room.....eat it"

so ok, randomness.....i've found myself laughing like a cat more and more lately, it's that "he he he he" sort of laugh, like the cat from the cartoon josie and the pussycats....

and on the topic of cats.....someone asked me, "what, cat got you tongue?" and i replied with, "well you're right about the pussy part".....it makes sense if you think about it.....

and off of that one......it's come to my knowledge that there are several people who "like" me...what the shit, honestly, do i need this? everyday there is a new twsit and turn...like today, girl L (the girl i want more than anyone else, she's the one using me as well) told me that her friend, lady c wants to fuck the hell out of me...well not so many words, but yeah, basically....now lady C has class with lady O..and apparently all they do in that class is talk about me....lady S is trying to hook me up with lady L, though lady S quasi wants me as well, but i tried telling Lady S that it's one of those thigns you just don't discuss openly, especially in front of both of us....like everybody knows uncle joe is crazy, but when they have a family dinner, nobody discusses it, it's just understood to leave it be...exactly the way lady L and me are.....everybody knows i'd F her upside down, but when we get together, i put all those thoughts aside and we just hang out....then later i may recap and be like, "oh, i just realized she was half naked and i did nothing about it"..yeah, even when ihave full oppurtunity to say or do somethign i don't...everythign gets pushed into the corner and we just hang out....and now lady S is trying to work her "magic" so to speak...i say don't toy with it....

and then lady O works with lady D and lady A, and they all like me, so then there's the fight between them, and who will i visit..it's all too crazy......i try to tell them i don't want a relationship, i'm not getting involved, i will not be labeld as a boyfriend, i just want to hang out ( but i guess there's nothg wrong with FtF..haha, just kidding) and poor lady O (the one i could love if i could)...i came to the realiztion of how much she likes me last night when she hugged me...well it was not a hug, and embrace...she wrapped herself into my arms, and likewise with hers in was..it was different, i haven't been held like that in awhile. she squeezed me, and that resulted in a the rubbing of the back embrace..but the clincher was the release...she did the slide into hook thign...you know, when you let go of a hug and start to pull away, the other, slides their hands down your arms and hooks onto your hands....and then she starred...of course i know what the stare meant, but luckily a kid interupted us and i departed.....

so how is it that i am the lust of these people... i mean honestly, it's me...i didn't try to woo them over, i didn't do a thing, i was just myself...and i know for a fact that that quality itself scares people away. so why now, why them, why me...it's absurd. it angers me as well, i don't want this now, i don't need this, it's like throwing a man who just ate, more food (well, except for Jimmy.."when do we eat next") he's full, he doesn't want anymore..that's how i feel, i'm full, i'm done, i don't want to eat that agian, now let's go watch a movie or run a mile.....

and as of right now, i'm being called upon lady D and lady O to come visit them, i'll stop there in a minute...and i've been writting in my little blue journal book agian...it's about that time..of course it's a pain in the ass because it takes soo long compared to this typing, and my handwritting has become more atrocious....so it's takes me awhile to get everything in there i want....and i don't have access to a computer to type in all hours of the day, hell, i'll even bitch about how in the backroom at target i don't have a pen and paper to write down my crazy ideas...and i don't want to carry around the damned voice recorder that's in my car ther, but maybe i'll have to.....maybe i'll leave a voicemail for myself about what i want to talk about..that's fucked up.....

that's all for now...i'm spent......

My Reply

So this is my reply to my last entry...interesting huh....

Well I am more than happy it ended on a good note, to me at least. There was no fighting or anything, we left on a mutual goodbye, closed the deal, and it was over with. she said thank you, and meant it, i could tell by her voice, after all that went down, i'm glad it ended this way...

so i suppose that's the fairy tell closing i wanted, so now it's so long marianne. she is over me, it's all over, she's moving on, and i can now accept that. this will be the last post (i swear) about her/the subject in general/everything, she's moved on, so must i.

i must say though, i'm sure it took a lot to d owhat she did..i'm sure most people would have kept on faking it the rest of their life, but she became strong and yhad the courage to move on. so for that i comend her. i may not necesarilly agree with the path she took to get there, but she's met her destination, regardless of the travel, so it's time to catch another cab.

i wish her the best in everything she does, i wish i could be standing somewhere in the crowd to watch her life and her accomplishments, but that won't be the case. i apparently ruined her, and my punishment is never seeing her agian, who could blame her though. she's happy now, something i wish i could have done for her.

so take tis as you want, i had what i wanted to say in my head many hours ago, but now everythign is eluding me and i'm stuck with the asme sentence in my head over and over agian.....so everyone, she's done with me, we are no more, the past is history, and i guess we'll never speak of it agian. she doesn't want to be with me, that's it....moving on.....

so now that i've hit you up with the last ranting about brooke and my life's love afair, i'll retunr to the mindless, incoherent, inconsistant, unintelligable ramblings that leave everyone confused and worried about my mental health......wierdo is an understatement, for everyon'es protcetion, including my own, i should be in that white room, right? and to think, if this is just a bit of what my thoughts are, imagine what's going on in my head....next.

Let Me Tell Ya a Little Something Something.....

i'm glad i didn't make thids post at any one time yesterday, because there were too many updates..so here it is now...slightly...

yeah so the time was around 11, waking up at 9 for some crazy reason, but paced around, waiting nervously.......well it kinda started with those sunday posts, the nervousness that is.....just as if i were only hours from my execution, this is what it was like, making bloggs, trying get pleas and pardons, waiting anxiously...i even started to get sick....i was a mess indeed...

so i decided i was going to go through with it and started looking fro a shirt and locket...of course this probably was the worse thign to do at the time....enter storgae unit, go straight for the drawer o' her things....i read all the cards, look through everything, and you know how i am, had to organize every little bit of it, making me go through every little thing in there...so it was sad, very sad indeed...after the process was done i picked up and headed for her house...

i arrived at 1:10 or so, i guess that's fashionably late, who cares....it was kinda awkward at first, she showed me the box of my stuff and the microwave, she could have kept it for more use, but she said liz had one, ok....after that things got better, to me at least,even though there were a couple moments when i knew it was over, this was it, the last goodbye...she showed me all the new animals in the house. i could tell she was happy because she was talking about her animals...she has a sugar glider..damn her, ha. everything was going great....

in light of how good i was feeling, i reached into my pockets and gave her back the shirt and necklace, she was happy to get back the necklace i could tell from the way she seized it rfom my hands....but that was the end of the goodness.....but a few moments later everything went to hell, she demanded i leave, my stubbornness wouldn't allow for it, especially since everything was going just fine 20 minutes ago....we argued and bickered back and forth..it had to be the worst fight i've ever had with her, i even had to raise my voice to her, such a shame.....thigns were said by both parties, whether they were meant or not, the intent to hurt was there....i could tell you i was strong and didn't let the thigns she said effect me, or i can tell you otherwise, but anyone who knows me knows how i really feel....things did simmer down a little bit, but she was still angery...finally at around 2:30 she asked me to leave agian, and i did. i asked if we could be down with the fighting, call it over, what's done is done, truce in a matter of words...she agreed, when i asked for a shake goodbye, not a hug/kiss/whatever, she didn't want to touch my hand, apparently they were disgusting with their longer than normal finger picking nails...i picked up my boxes, tocuhed her head, and i was gone...the end1

i found myself at alco, met up with barcus who was picking up teressa, or so he thought..after he parted i went and put the DVD's in the cases back at storage, i wanted to retunr the cd cases of brooke's and the box back to her sometime.....i winded up back at alco, visiting among the crew who wanted to see me, talking about random things, then the phone rang, it was her..apparently i forgot something at her house, i offered to come by and get it and drop off her holders and box, but she said she was comnig into town, i told her to call me when she was here....

i made my way out to the parking lot and played my guitar til she arrived..she pulled up, honked and i grabbed the box out of the front seat....i made my way to the car and i noticed what i had "forgotten", it was an "anniversery" gift i left in her room awhile back...she tried to hand it back to me, i utterly refused, there was no way i was going to take that back..it was for her, made just for her...if she gave it back, i would make it to be back in her room before she knew it...i told her to keep it as a parting gift, i couldn't do anything with it, it was hers....at first she said she was goign to throw it away, and not even open it..but she finally said she would open it and give it away to someone else..i was happy with that response and said that's fine.....in a way i knew after seeing what it was, she couldn't really give it away, but who knows....so after that quarrel i tried to close her door, she wouldn't move her leg, and i didn't want the door to hit her leg, i asked her a couple times to move it, but to no avail. i leaned in with my arm to initiate a move of her leg, and she yelled at me not to touch her and slammed the door.....the end2

so i stumbled back into alco....i sat at register two, head down....i even started to cry, everything i tried to do was wrong, and that was it...olivia was nice and she tried to cheer me up, she of course new somethign was wrong, she says she always sees me happy, and always gets a hug, but i guess i forgot today, who knows...i was sad.....i didn't want to talk about it really, there was nothing to say, it was over, ok, we plsit the differences, now let's move on, so i tried to focus on other things....

8:30...making a sandwich, chicken sandwich that is...my phone rings.....and it's brooke...she opens conversation with "thank you"....she was thanking me for her gift..i asked if she liked it, she did..i asked if she was going to keep it..she was, i was completely happy...everythign prior now erased with those words...i made short conversation, and then we ended the chat...it was good, i was happy, the end....

oh, so her gift, i bought her a star...there is now a star named after her out there...there's cordinates and everything..the intent was whereever she was, either it be school, lowell, whereever, i could always anxiously wait for night to fall, then look up and see her...i guess it's still the same, it's the only way i can see her now.....

so to me it ended on that good note, everythign else that happened, whatever...she said thank you, she meant....she's a good girl, honestly....i think she was just throwing the shit because she knows that's the type of game i normally play, don't take ot out on her...but yeah, to any of those who will be going to college with her, or fellow academites(i don't think anybody readds this anways), take good care of her, she's special, and a great person..and for the people who comment on my blog/xanga/whatever....let it end here, see her back, yeah she's walking away, so get off it....let lying dogs lay sort of thing.....goodbye and thank you...

Ohhh Yeah...

well now, get this...on my way to go to the movies tonight, i get a call....of course who else would i be takling abotu at this time right now..yeah...but since i was traveling though cedar lake/crown point my signal got crazy, and no message was left

**sidenote**i don't understand why people call and don't leave messages...now i will say i didn't like to leave them on answering machines backj in the day, but that was only because it was heard by the parents and everything like that, but the cell phone, or people's actual answering machines, yeah i leave messages all the time..and people with caller id, why would you not leave a message for them, they know you called, but anways***

so as soon as i got a better signal i called back and asked if she did in fact call or it was some fluke where she dialed my number and didn't actually mean to speak to me...well she told me she had some time free tonight [saturday], so if i wanted to i could come over and we could do the exchange...forgetting where i wa and what i was doing i almost agreed, but somebody spoke in my car and i realized i was driving to go to the movies...once i told her of this she got all mad like, "fine, whatever,...i'm going now" i tried to be reasonible, they was no need to get mad at me, i was going to a movie, the exchange was agreed upon for monday at one, was i supposed to ask her if she wanted to see a movie..i know i make myself readily available at a moments notice, and if push came to shove i could have shown up then, but it was imperative that it be done right then, i mean tomorrow was still good enough of day as any, plus it was planned for then..so who knows..

everyone doesn't want me to go over there, they don't want me to see her agian, they've got their reasons, not to mention evil minds....but i don't know what i'll do... i mean she sounded so sweet and nice when that call began, but got bitterly mad at the end and hung up....i don't know...like i said, when we first spoke, i forgot where i was, how easily swooned i was.........and she must know this, i mean others can figure me out, and some are, and are using me because i have some petty idea in my head...she must know that she can trample over my heart like a herd of cattle, almost stomp the life out of it, but as much as she'll try, it'll still beat for her.....god that's sad

she'll walk out of my life, i'll get over it all..eventually, or think i have, blocked the past out of my mind and live a life devoid of that emotion, live my normal happy go lucky self life, forgetting everything about her, and then something or someone will bring it up, and of course i'll remember....it's been like that for a couple weeks now....the best way to get over it is to forget about it all and just keep on keeping on, right?

i think she is the first number to ever be deleted from my phone...and we all know how much of a rat pack i am, keeping every number stored in my phone, even if the person dies or has it changed.....but it's gone, and the ringer......everybody knows how i put special ringers for certain special people, and that no two people can have the same special ringer, so yeah it's lost forever....there's only two rings on my phone that were appointed to people that send a chill down my spin, and i only hear them when i cycle through all the ringers...sigh...

and one more thing......she said something recently, about how she wasn't able to do things because she had a boyfriend, i believe this was a post in her xanga...let me ask you, have you ever not been able to do something because of your significant other? unless you have some controlling freak, i think not..am i right...zach lets anne go clubbing, though he may not like it, he doesn't control her.....and i was never controling, not for a second....she could do whatever she wanted..well besides fuck some guy, but i'd probably let her get away with that too....i didn't make her disown her friends, didn't say no, she cut her hair, i may have not wanted her to, but i never said "NO you may not", that'd be wrong, it's her body, herself, seh can do what she wants...when she went to the bars and drank it up a bit, did i care, i just worry about the guys that might try to take advantage of her, but i didn't say no you can't do that over you're break....but then agian the matter of truths comes up, just honestly tell me what you're doing and i won't care, don't hide it from me, because them there's a problem...it's not that i'm nosey and keeping a tab on you, just want to know what you're up to, should i have dinner ready at 8 or will you not be coming home tonight....that sort of thing....i never held her back from doing anything, though she must have thought i did to do what she did....

well that's all i can say for now, it's getting late and our last confrontation is 12 hours away...then it'll be one more post about all this non sense, which i do appologize for, but it is my dumping ground of thoughts..til tomorrow....

Mooparseque....

yeah, that title just came to mind...i like the spanish flair that's been added to the word moop not only making it a verb, moopar, but adding the se que qas well, craziness....just a reflection of the past....

today is good...i think......let's see, oh i finally went to a movie, one person wanted to see house of the dead or some crap and i wanted to see either kill bill or school of rock...we flipped a coin, heads=school of rock, tails=kill bill, and it's side=house of the dead....yeah i know i'm evil..tails one and we saw school of rock, makes the coin toss pointless right? it was good, i enjoyed it, i think so did everyone else.....

going in reverse order here...went to a haunted house at the lake county fair grounds.....i could have enjoyed it more had i not had three terrified girls clinging to me every second...or did that make it more enjoyable....yeah it was good, one girl i didn't even know but was a friend of another in the group..why she, or anyone for that matter, clung to me is beyond me..but i think we are going to reapers realm next weekend...haven't been there in a couple years, yet used to go every year since fifth grade or so...it's probably $50 to get in now.....

and so why is it the new thing for people to call me up and request i visit them at work...especially the people at alco....at least two calls a day, i swear...and of course, because they are females i do so....not to mention picking people up, dropping off others, and running around northwest indiana just to do something...being used...used is the word zach, not sued, sorry for an misinterrpretation...

and thanks for the post zach.....i liked your use of "degenerates" and "fucksticks"..very nice...and here's another link i think you'll enjoy zach....

and let's see.....people who have found out what my little secret crazy thing i did was are asking me, do i have any regrets...Ha...jason angus has no regrets, mistakes yes, regrets no....not even my biggest mistake.....;)

Like Mother, Like Daughter...no no
Birds in a Feather..no no
Monkey See, Monkey Do...

yes, i think that last little phrase best describes it.......oh how funny everything is..and for it i laugh.....

alright, so it's the weekend, whoo haa..though i can't say much of anything..it's late right now, soon it will be sunday morning, or afternoon whichever i prefer to wake up to....and of coruse it will be whopper sunday...i'm really driving this point home.....

let's see..hung out with some people i haven't in a long time, spent about 3 hours at the mall, fourth time going this week, as a pasenger almost died in an almost car accident(you could only wish), scared the crap out of billy by hopping into the baackseat of his car while he was at the gas station, then popping out just before he left, jumped into my car, while it was moving, through the sun roof....god yes sunroof..and that was just today....

i also came to realization, moreso now in my head, that once agian i am being used...such a terrible thing, i thought it was over, but no, here comes someone else, doing the same things as she did, and me doing everything i can't do for her...it's sickening.....wrapped around her little finger....though i vowed to never do this or love agian, this one person has had her in with me for awhile, so as one falls the other moves in....this brushes with a topic that i was gonig to get at in a xanga, so i won't address too much here....but it's terrible, that fact that i will still do things and be extra nice to little ladies everywhere...even though they are [mostly] the same, same fucking person, same fucking thing..simmering.....

the point was nailed into the back of my head even more when i randomly brought the topic up and they all had input shown with a sigh.....it's funny how some people can watch this happen, know it's happening, but won't tell you what the accused person said about the whole mess.....i'm not one to put my foot down about something when it comes to this, but in one way or another, somebody's getting fucked....i hate...*thinks for a moment....was gonig to say people..*..girls....

so the exchange is only a day or so away....can i just blow her off...but i do want the DVD's back, i mean they were just loaners..and it's sad how i still have to mention her because she's still there....i don't want to see her, not the "new" her, one that........, there's no need, i'll just blow the whole thing off and pick up my shit after she's gone..of course i know i will probably get an angery call asking where i am, not like she cares....

kinda like the call when i went grocery shopping, she sounded so angry towards me, i even asked what was wrong, why was so she pissed at me, and thew sopund in her voice and what little she said meant i should know what i did wrong.........which of course is absolutly nothing....

and why does she want to meet up all of a sudden, that still gets me...this changed person who can make her own decisions and has her mind set on these certain things, moved her stance from nothing to do with me and having me pick my shit up off the side of the road, to meeting at her house for this exchange battle royale....grrr, she's got three paragraphs here, moving on.....

well i'm not throwing shit, and i won't, i don't care how childish this gets, she can say her little things like this, but i'm above that, for a couple reasons still....

and my comments are working agian, though maybe with this post they will rise from the ashes, and i will be able to see the comment that i've missed the past couple of days, i know i haven't blogged since thursday night nor checked anything since then...no biggie, doubt anything happened...

What?!?!

So it's night's like these that i most enjoy...cool breeze rustling through the dead, dried up leaves on the streets. the moon in an almost full state with the whisps of clouds covering every now and then. it's picturesque to what you may see in a movie of some sorts....

so where does a cold and broken heart go....should it not go to a place where others share the same qualities..some place where the people are as cold as the weather, where they have no hearts out of experience, not out of loosing.

why would i want to look west, it's just warm there, everybody else gets the big whoo haa from it, not i though. i's likes wheres i ams, but that could be altered, i'd hate to go to a place where I had the accent...why can't i stay here....even here there is a west....ern idea...maybe it's just a little corney, with no L's...

what am i searching for, where do i see myself, i don't look past today, plans are for the blind, who wish to see and control the future, play it by ear, carpe diem...and if i catch myself rolling with this i'm heading to the east coast....there's only one thing in my way..the west....

Bitch...
i don't know why that's the title, the word makes me laugh though, so there it is, you'll probably see it more often now that it's been unleashed...

so yeah, what's gong on........hahah, who knows.......many a thing actually...

well, ever have that time when you say something just to encourage someone else, who needed just a little push into doing something...like saying, "if you do it, then I'll do it too"...and they know, just like yourself it isn't true, yet it makes them feel better, then go through with it...yeah...well I've been able to get out of those things before....most recently was homecoming weekend, got out of doing something then...but this one I wasn't able to get out of......I actually went through with it...want to know what it is, I bet you do....and you wouldn't be able to guess either...but you'll find out when you see me, if you look in the right spot.....

as for other news.....oh, this one is for you brooke...you can't pawn the things you are giving back to me to make up for the money you owe me, it doesn't work that way, sorry..... possessions and money or no deal, and I guess I get to keep the two sacrilegious items....

moving forward....I got a mood ring, 2 bucks, no biggie...but the funny thing is, it actually works suprisingly well......at work it turned purple=stressed, when I was singing zeppelin it was green=passionate, most of the time it is blue=happy, when I talked to lady l it was light green=romantic, with a strip of pink in the middle=nervous....it's funny to look at the damned thing and see what it says, and found out it is right....

and why do I love grocery shopping, can anybody tell me this? I spent an hour in meijer, $95, and many bags of crap filling my trunk....The whole time I was the happiest mother fucker around..I'm dancing in the aisles, talking to people I don't know, why? Beats me, I just enjoy shopping...if you don't want to do your grocery shopping, leave me a list and some money and I'll get you the deals and everything you need, my joy in life....

and here's something funny....I guess if you spend a little bit of time with people, they start to imitate you as well, become a part of you...I would have never thought my phrases of, "oh my dad", or "oh hell", or anything like that would be duplicated by certain people, or anyone in general... I get a kick out of it... I like spending time with people, it's...arousing in that sort of way.....

Simple Plan
Title: Addicted
Album: No Helmets No Pads...Just Balls


I heard you're doing okay
But I want you to know
I'm a dick
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?
I tried to make you happy but you left anyway
Chours:
I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker (x3)
Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
Still a dick
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?
I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to keep you
But you left anyway
(Chours)
How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine
(Chours)
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker (x4)



How fitting is this song? Damn skippy..though the song kinda looses it's direction a couple times...like when they sing, "now i'm trying to forget that" sounds like it's about to be some rip off cover...oh well, they've got other songs as well, this one fits today, hope you enjoy...and yes, bring on your comments for the music i am listening to....you'd be suprised....

I Just Called To Say..It's Over......
(Ohhh, you knew this post was coming...)

so not last night, the night prior, tuesday night, yes tuesday....it's shortly after 12:40, i enter and twan calls out to me, "hey your phone just rang twice, i answered it the first time thinking it was [forgot the girl's name]'s phone, but nobody was there, and the second call said it was brooke and hell if i'm answering that" i tell him it was probably someone else, brooke doesn't call me, and seeings that it came from a pre-paid card number i thought it was someone else......

in fact before i went shopping i made a stop at this person's house...and as i'm walking up to their window, with a handful of rocks to bounce off their window, the phone rings agian, i answer and it was brooke, i quickly ask if it was her who called earlier, indeed it was...threw the stones down and scurried back to my car....

so the call was to set up an official time of when to do our exchanging......it suprised me to find that this will be done in person (maybe things will be thrown at me) My question is, what caused her to change her mind, from never seeing me agian, to we can meet to give things back...i even asked was her presence necessary to the whole event, becuase before it wasn't apparently, who knows....

Elizabeth, let me be childish for just a few more days, then you can have me grow up.....so she has "home field advantage", the time for the showdown, the rumble, the battle to end all battles, is set for 1:00pm central standard time monday, however things may alter depending on her schedule....

so yeah, she'll be there as she hurls a box of things i've given to her that she obviously doesn't want anymore back at me.....i'm hoping not t osee some things in there i don't want back, or i shouldn't have back....if those things are in there i swear to god i'm walking out.....most likely without the box as well...oh and she knows what things will set this action off, but we'll just have to see....and depending on what i get back determines what she gets back..of course there are only two things to give back to her, so it's not like there's a lot of bargaining.....

anyways, make sure you buy your tickets in advance, the price doubles at the door, there are still good seats remaining, and we encourage all types of media to be recorded, this is history in the making...

Enter chapter 22...

Crazy....
You're Fucking Crazy.....(said in a chuckle)

Well I wasn't going to post, but then I saw that the comments provided by the Klink Family were working again, so yay to that! Yeah there were many things said, and well never got to be finished by the lacking commenting system...seems to only happen when I need it the most..moving on.....

It's a great feeling to know that you, rather I am, are welcome wherever I go...walk into the store get greeted by people and acquaintances, other places people run over to hug you, others say stop on by whenever you like because, in spite of others, you are welcomed....How great would it be to be in the Cheers bar, and as you walk in everybody says your name, or in the case of the song, go where everybody knows your name...

I'm happy to know that there are other people out there who feel my pain, have my same concerns, convictions, or doubts. Some of them you would have thought would be on a different side, but when the truth makes it's way through the smoke, you're happy to see someone else's input.....don't know what I'm talking about, call me, it'll make you're head spin....as for everything else, life is good, right?:)

Since we are on the topic of craziness, let's talk about these dreams, still plaguing me...well it's probably best not to type them out, but just know that they mess with me a lot.....I woke up last night, lifted my head up quickly, saw what times it was, 4:37, rambled off in a very Jason-esque way, "my life sucks"..or "this sucks", kinda forgot, then thrusted my head back down in the opposite direction and fell asleep..these dreams range to include Target, Alco, Barcus' gang, random people, of course Brooke made her way into the dreams as well, I even think I died in one of the dreams, got closure in another, almost off in last night's dream....kinda lets me know how fucked up things are now, as if I didn't already know.....

But you know what....I woke up this morning, with the most random thought in my head.....I know everything is going to be alright, there was an assuring light cast upon me as I woke, more than the sun, but for some reason I was reminded of Engineers Arch...and for all of those who took the excellent Michigan Tour guided by yours truly, you should all remember what Engin Arch meant.......either way it made me laugh, be it true or not, I thought it was great, the fact it was randomly thrown in my head, and how it is just a mere myth, wow...now that's crazy...

Fo Shizzie Yo...

Well it's getting late...thought i'd just make this update now, seings how i wasn't able to when i tried the first time....

i watched the colts vs buccaneers game...and i was reminded why i hate to watch sports....in the first 2 minutes of the third quarter there were so many unbelievable calls made by the refs....i saw so many yellow flags fly through the air...then the calls were overruled after the refs illegally saw the replay on the jumbo screen....it was all too much.......but i did tune back in a little bit later, my remote just kept moving all night, and i watched one of the greatest come backs in NFL history....the colts did an excellant job beating tampa bay, scoring 21+ points in the fourth quarter alone, then making the winning bank shot feild goal in over time..it was intense, shows those pirates what's up....

oh, and gt this....i heard from a credible source, that Sarah Bult has....dropped out of college, saing it wasn't for her, is now engaged, and on her way to afganistan on some mission thing....that's crazy go nuts...told you i liked her for a reason....

HA, in a fleeting moment i thought i saw the big blue bus turn onto route 2....it was just some big delivery truck.....ohhh the memories.....when will i be going there agian.....since i will be going alone now....

i think the time is coming for me to do laundry..it's hard making out what's good or not in the pile o crap i got gonig on in storage...plus laundry is expensive...maybe a trip to lafeyette on super wednesday is in order, haha...

katie holmes has a new movie coming out..don't know what to tink of it yet....but can anything top GO? which reminds me...i never got to see a movie this weekend..daamn is it tuesday already, maybe tonight then, who knows, who cares...

vince...yeah i'm directing this at you..well two things, elizabeth will have to tell them to you for i know she reads.....one, did i leave my dylan CD at your house, and 2 i think the time has come for a post from you, or a lengthy comment, about how people don't change...it would be greatly appreciated

and my next xanga post has been post poned a bit in light of all the recent activity on there..i got an entry with 10 comments on it, craziness...i don't care if they are for me, agianst me, don't even know what's going on in the post, it's all good...so after that water dies down, another post is a coming...

that's all for now, til next time...i'm gonna go drown myself in pills to rid this headache, but don't worry, i will be back....

Words, Computers, Shit, and Stones..
What are things that are thrown

alright, so this blog has once again turned into an onslaught of ferocious commentings....of course this only reminds me of the days of the pity party guestbook...oh how we lived through those.....

attacking my spelling, how terrible is that, or how terrible is it that I can't type, either way I think it was a low blow, but that's that.....

as for myself, I'm perfectly well with trying to be civil and maintaining a friendship, or casual once a year talk over coffee...but she wants nothing to do with that or myself, end of it all....yet she'll post her slanderous comments on my blog...who's unreasonable...

look, I don't know what else to say...I'm here in my little blog world, with no mention of you directly, no contact to you; if you want to read, fine, but remember you're the one who wants to break away from everything of me...so if I'm not safe here, have no reclusion here, then where do I go...should I live on pins and needles in fear of some ravenous massacre of commentation from you...or is this your last goodbye wherein you sunk so low as to throw anything around you including the pebbles at your feet where you stand in the alley...

I don't mean to come off as an ass, sorry if I do, even if I did I'm sure there are those out there who would support my decision to do so, but for you, as always, I'm being nice. you'll never have to worry about the furry from me, you were something special, and I won't treat you like an ordinary person, not even one who has fucked me over...you're not my worst enemy, you won't make the list so don't try, the wall's impenetrable....if you think that I'm speaking of you in later posts, I speak in generalities, it's your guilty conscience that insinuates those ideas...go be free, there's no mob chasing you, you can walk away whenever you like....

Sitting Here...

Agian with the loss of thought, yet srtill the ambition to blog, what in the hell. Well here's a nice little wrap around of today....wasted the day away completly...well i hate sunday's to begin with, everything closes early...and just when somebody's lazy ass decides to get around it's all too late to attempt to start the day...every use your coat for a blanket...then get really pissed because the bottom half of you isn't covered, yeah try that on for size ha! this is gonig to be one paragraph, no conforming to anything this time....never got to see a movie but rather just rented....i'll get mine....had some funny quotes from this weekend....like me saying, "when do you leave" the reply, "shouldn't i be asking you that" my counter "rather it be when will I die"...or how i was having a conversation with a girl, kinda low self esteem, at least for herself, and i told her what good qualities she had and pretty and this and that and said, "hell, i'd even be able to fall in love with you..had i still possesed a heart, given the circumstances and all"...or last night's trivial time question when i said, "myabe it was supposed to be 21 instead of 20 like i had always thought, well anything's possible now don't you think".....nobody responded..."exactly what i thought, 21 it is"..............ok, well i guess you just ahd to be there to understand those things, maybe one day you will, or if you have been a long time reader you probably should be able to decypher what was said in those comments.....and to make the point, i don't try to sound all deep and philosophical when i blog or anything, when i do make references to things, i think they are right there in the open, no need to spell everything out, got to leave me with something here...so that's that, all i've got for now...