Got Me...
Ok so i don't have anything really to say, I'm at a blank, at a lose. It's Thursday, conference call and truck today, but Georgey should be leaving for DeMotte just as the truck pulls up, just as he has for 4 out of the past 8 trucks this year. Funny thing happened last night...Twan was driving George's truck and he spotted Tristen Martin so he swung around to talk to ihm and rolled down the window. So as he was finished chatting, he pushed the button to raise the window to it's original postion, but as he pushed, nothing happened, and Twan's first thoguht was......you ready..."huh, it must have run out of clicks" HA, for all those who know george, that's fricking hilarious. Well the window did go up in the end, but the fact that it is nearing it's death with so many clicks is amazing. Also last night there was confusion over my target schedule; they called me and asked were i was at at 1130, then they checked the schedule and realized i didn't work. So when i called them back to get everything straight they had to ask me about my voicmail that i leave on my phone. This one is crazy, everytime people hear it for the first time, they go to leave a voice message and they are just sitting there, you can hear them breathing and thinknig. then thye try to complete out their thoughts like they had originally planned. So if you're in for a good laugh/brain twister/whatever, give my cell a call today,it will be turned off when i'm in alco so the voicemail will pick up and give it a listen, 613-3524 you all know the number. so i should be going, i'm hungry yet don't know what to eat, like i have breakfast on hand anyways. i should be going down to muncie this weekend. i want to look for jobs online one day, but be damned if i never have the time to do so...who knows what i want anyways, be like zach and go back to college? Ha,maybe we could try going to a college together, or just sit back and watch the "good" years go by. ok a little carried away....
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Saturday, February 22, 2003
Where did i put my.....
So I'm searching, yet I'm finding nothing. I am having so many problems from so many different areas. I don't know if these count as my feelings, just some random thoguhts, based i feelings i suppose. So i said, not just to myself, but to anyone who was in earshot, i'm sick and tired of working 70 hours a week, it's finally catching up to me, or maybe i'm jealous of others having "free time", who knows. I mean granted i will always have to work, whether i have money or not, just to keep myself sanely occupied. I want a job wherein i'll work 50 hours, sure, and get paid as well as what i am making now, perferably more of course, but that's not going to happen. I'd like to move out of the basement, have my own shit in my own place. I'm not "growing up" like some people, i don't change drstic thoughts in my fucked up head and toy with others, this would be for me, not affecting anyone, and everything would be grand. I don't know what's in store for me, soon i'll be 20, the nothing years, hell, i said last night that growing up i'd never thought i'd see it to the 20's, i probably just couldn't imagine it. you don't know what you got til it's gone. i came up with another song today, but i suck as a song writer. I mean i come up wit this great idea to have a song about, but once i get going, it sounds too contrived. Maybe i need some other "band" member to help me out here, but these ideas i have sound good, if only i could put them down like i want and make it sound good, and without getting too out of control with it as well...ahhh, on a note of cool things, last night as i was driving home, ann and i always race down 41 to the 30 intersection, it's funny cause she's like 40 something but drives a new monte carlo. we'll speed up and try to pass each other, but not really going over 75 or so. well the other day i realized when i push in this button on my shifter, it makes my car perform a lot better in "racing". Like just two days ago i used it and was jolted back in my seat by the extreme power of it..anways...so i pushed it in agian last night, and as i floored it, the front end of my car actually lifted off the groun, i saw the traction active light come on because the wheels were just spinning and i could feel it lift off the ground. i almost shat myself. ok it was really cool, but i doubt i'd be able to do it agian, and would probably prefer not to....back to the sad notes...i watched High Fidelity tongiht, and let me tell you it was the worst thing ever, not the movie, the movie is great, but it was probablly the worst time in my life to watch that movie. omd i was agitated and nervously bouncing around my room, i couldn't sit still, had i been a smoker i would have lit up 12 times during this movie, and seing john smoke during the whole movie didn't help either. Ahhhh i want to...who knows, i need a time out away from everything and die for a week, then come back to all my problems agian. I'm oing to muncie this weekend most likely, if i make it there alive, hopefully i won't be too sleep deprived at the time, i don't want to let brooike down though, so i have to show, and stay awake the whole time we're together, and lord knows when we call it a night on saturday i'll just cry myself to sleep, or be too aggitated agian to sleep. grrr, i..i....oh lord, i'm going now, i don't even know what to say......goodnight, back to target i go, i want to stop thinking, i want to be stupid so i can be happy, you can't always get what you want, immediate disqualification for involvement in the bih chill, i'll end up listening to too tight or bitch or something of the sorts wherein i can yell, goodbye agian....
So I'm searching, yet I'm finding nothing. I am having so many problems from so many different areas. I don't know if these count as my feelings, just some random thoguhts, based i feelings i suppose. So i said, not just to myself, but to anyone who was in earshot, i'm sick and tired of working 70 hours a week, it's finally catching up to me, or maybe i'm jealous of others having "free time", who knows. I mean granted i will always have to work, whether i have money or not, just to keep myself sanely occupied. I want a job wherein i'll work 50 hours, sure, and get paid as well as what i am making now, perferably more of course, but that's not going to happen. I'd like to move out of the basement, have my own shit in my own place. I'm not "growing up" like some people, i don't change drstic thoughts in my fucked up head and toy with others, this would be for me, not affecting anyone, and everything would be grand. I don't know what's in store for me, soon i'll be 20, the nothing years, hell, i said last night that growing up i'd never thought i'd see it to the 20's, i probably just couldn't imagine it. you don't know what you got til it's gone. i came up with another song today, but i suck as a song writer. I mean i come up wit this great idea to have a song about, but once i get going, it sounds too contrived. Maybe i need some other "band" member to help me out here, but these ideas i have sound good, if only i could put them down like i want and make it sound good, and without getting too out of control with it as well...ahhh, on a note of cool things, last night as i was driving home, ann and i always race down 41 to the 30 intersection, it's funny cause she's like 40 something but drives a new monte carlo. we'll speed up and try to pass each other, but not really going over 75 or so. well the other day i realized when i push in this button on my shifter, it makes my car perform a lot better in "racing". Like just two days ago i used it and was jolted back in my seat by the extreme power of it..anways...so i pushed it in agian last night, and as i floored it, the front end of my car actually lifted off the groun, i saw the traction active light come on because the wheels were just spinning and i could feel it lift off the ground. i almost shat myself. ok it was really cool, but i doubt i'd be able to do it agian, and would probably prefer not to....back to the sad notes...i watched High Fidelity tongiht, and let me tell you it was the worst thing ever, not the movie, the movie is great, but it was probablly the worst time in my life to watch that movie. omd i was agitated and nervously bouncing around my room, i couldn't sit still, had i been a smoker i would have lit up 12 times during this movie, and seing john smoke during the whole movie didn't help either. Ahhhh i want to...who knows, i need a time out away from everything and die for a week, then come back to all my problems agian. I'm oing to muncie this weekend most likely, if i make it there alive, hopefully i won't be too sleep deprived at the time, i don't want to let brooike down though, so i have to show, and stay awake the whole time we're together, and lord knows when we call it a night on saturday i'll just cry myself to sleep, or be too aggitated agian to sleep. grrr, i..i....oh lord, i'm going now, i don't even know what to say......goodnight, back to target i go, i want to stop thinking, i want to be stupid so i can be happy, you can't always get what you want, immediate disqualification for involvement in the bih chill, i'll end up listening to too tight or bitch or something of the sorts wherein i can yell, goodbye agian....
A New Friend....
So a random person who reads my blog **though doesn't comment** suggested i get one of these blob thingies for my blog. I figured, blob..blog, sure why not. So now my weather bitch has a new friend. It's the disco type, looks like he's sick or something, but who knows, look at him jump...yay. Ok that is all, i'll go back to my usual postings now...
So a random person who reads my blog **though doesn't comment** suggested i get one of these blob thingies for my blog. I figured, blob..blog, sure why not. So now my weather bitch has a new friend. It's the disco type, looks like he's sick or something, but who knows, look at him jump...yay. Ok that is all, i'll go back to my usual postings now...
Timing...
Wow, the past 2 nights at work i've been rambling to myself, random ideas are just swirling through my head. I've got ideas for songs, movies, crazy crazy things, but this other idea just seems wierd that i'd suggest it.I was visiting people's blogs, catching up from the work-a-thon i've been doing, and i noticed today that Zach wrote today, I want to start a rebellion., Now this is some strange coincidence because my idea was, i want to start a revolution. HA i suppose we could get together and have mass histeria through the streets, well at least in NW Indiana. Right now i haven't decided what type of revolution i want, whether it be a revolution of the mind or whathave you, i just wanted something. I hope we go to war, that'd be pretty fucked up, but righjt now i say sure, go to war, kill people, why not. So war, revolution, and for zach, a rebellion. FBI will be watching us now, but it's easier than you think, i mean just look at what a house painter and a couple brown shirts did. on that note goodnight.....
Wow, the past 2 nights at work i've been rambling to myself, random ideas are just swirling through my head. I've got ideas for songs, movies, crazy crazy things, but this other idea just seems wierd that i'd suggest it.I was visiting people's blogs, catching up from the work-a-thon i've been doing, and i noticed today that Zach wrote today, I want to start a rebellion., Now this is some strange coincidence because my idea was, i want to start a revolution. HA i suppose we could get together and have mass histeria through the streets, well at least in NW Indiana. Right now i haven't decided what type of revolution i want, whether it be a revolution of the mind or whathave you, i just wanted something. I hope we go to war, that'd be pretty fucked up, but righjt now i say sure, go to war, kill people, why not. So war, revolution, and for zach, a rebellion. FBI will be watching us now, but it's easier than you think, i mean just look at what a house painter and a couple brown shirts did. on that note goodnight.....
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Don't Spin in Circles, the Outcome is Never for the Better
Ok, the title, as you can always tell, is the way I'm feeling about my life. In general, spinning in circles, loosing control of your life, only has bad results. I don' know what's going on, expecially anymore. Once agian my sleep patterns have gone all out of whack, i slept through my 8 to 4 at ALCO today, yet fell asleep at 11 last night so go figure. it wasn't even a comfortable sleep, all the lights were on, noises of my computer were humming, and i was fully cloathed with no covers on me. I should have at least woke up at 4 like normal, just dazed and confused as to what was going on. My last thoughts were trying to set my alarm for the morning, well we see how far that got. During my rest my dreams were really fucked up, basically likea preview of what is happenning today, and maybe days to come. I remember holding conversations with people while i laid in bed, but i know thses people did not come visit me, but it felt so real and normal, so i had to be dreaming that up. Also my personality has been changing, and not for te better. \i am once agian that irritable, looses temper way to easily type of person i was not too long ago. I thought i was growing out of tha, or maybe it would eventually go away, or maybe i was more content because i had a girlfriend, who knows. but it's back like a plague. | have been finding myself just loosing it over random things, i get so fucking pissed off, then just go off in a furry of violent actions. That's totally not cool, but i can't help myself. I get so mad i'm about to bust out in tears from holding back, and when it's about to let go, i lash out in violence. Why do people have to be such fuckers? I don't like what i'm turning into, andi know everyone else isn't going to either. Last night i wanted to turn down going out for the evening, but i was coerced into going; and as i arrived at the meeting place of ALCO i had the shittiest look on my face. Everyone kept asking me if i was severly pissed off or something, they knew someting was wrong, as did i, but what was the question. god, it'd terrible having this feeling, and there's nothing i can do, and pope can only aggitate me further. i think the only person who might know what i'm like when i'm like this would be Vince, god only knows how he bared me then, i guess it's like elizabeth with him now, who knows. I am rambling terribley, but you can see i'm really starting to loose it, i think i ned to have a path, a destination in order to keep my sanity, i'm typnig so fast right now i don't even know what my thoughts are anymore. on the bright side Barcus gave me a pack of blue camels, hell yes. ok that is all for now, thanks all for you time...
Ok, the title, as you can always tell, is the way I'm feeling about my life. In general, spinning in circles, loosing control of your life, only has bad results. I don' know what's going on, expecially anymore. Once agian my sleep patterns have gone all out of whack, i slept through my 8 to 4 at ALCO today, yet fell asleep at 11 last night so go figure. it wasn't even a comfortable sleep, all the lights were on, noises of my computer were humming, and i was fully cloathed with no covers on me. I should have at least woke up at 4 like normal, just dazed and confused as to what was going on. My last thoughts were trying to set my alarm for the morning, well we see how far that got. During my rest my dreams were really fucked up, basically likea preview of what is happenning today, and maybe days to come. I remember holding conversations with people while i laid in bed, but i know thses people did not come visit me, but it felt so real and normal, so i had to be dreaming that up. Also my personality has been changing, and not for te better. \i am once agian that irritable, looses temper way to easily type of person i was not too long ago. I thought i was growing out of tha, or maybe it would eventually go away, or maybe i was more content because i had a girlfriend, who knows. but it's back like a plague. | have been finding myself just loosing it over random things, i get so fucking pissed off, then just go off in a furry of violent actions. That's totally not cool, but i can't help myself. I get so mad i'm about to bust out in tears from holding back, and when it's about to let go, i lash out in violence. Why do people have to be such fuckers? I don't like what i'm turning into, andi know everyone else isn't going to either. Last night i wanted to turn down going out for the evening, but i was coerced into going; and as i arrived at the meeting place of ALCO i had the shittiest look on my face. Everyone kept asking me if i was severly pissed off or something, they knew someting was wrong, as did i, but what was the question. god, it'd terrible having this feeling, and there's nothing i can do, and pope can only aggitate me further. i think the only person who might know what i'm like when i'm like this would be Vince, god only knows how he bared me then, i guess it's like elizabeth with him now, who knows. I am rambling terribley, but you can see i'm really starting to loose it, i think i ned to have a path, a destination in order to keep my sanity, i'm typnig so fast right now i don't even know what my thoughts are anymore. on the bright side Barcus gave me a pack of blue camels, hell yes. ok that is all for now, thanks all for you time...
Monday, February 17, 2003
Take this advice EVEYONE!!!
If you're reading this and you know Comment me
If you're reading this and you know Comment me
If you're reading this and you know and you really want to show it
If you're reading this and you know Comment me
If you're sad and you know it just read this
If you're sad and you know it just read this
If you're sad and you know it and you want to feel better knowing someone else is worse
If you're sad and you know just read this
If you love me and you know it take me back
If you love me and you know give me another chance
I know this is desperate and i'm not supposed to talk about it
so i'm gonna shut up now because this sounds bad
sorry for the tangant at the end......
If you're reading this and you know Comment me
If you're reading this and you know Comment me
If you're reading this and you know and you really want to show it
If you're reading this and you know Comment me
If you're sad and you know it just read this
If you're sad and you know it just read this
If you're sad and you know it and you want to feel better knowing someone else is worse
If you're sad and you know just read this
If you love me and you know it take me back
If you love me and you know give me another chance
I know this is desperate and i'm not supposed to talk about it
so i'm gonna shut up now because this sounds bad
sorry for the tangant at the end......
Sunday, February 16, 2003
Sundays Suck!
Yeah, as you can see from the title, **don't you love howe the title tells ya everything** sundays suck. I used to be partial to them, liking and disliking at times, but today's experiences, well they just sealed the deal for me. Well, i got dressed up today, don't ask me why, just something simple though, shirt and tie, no suit or anything. I worked today, set up the rest of the center aisle, whoopdee. I think i lost some respect for my "best cashiers", i guess everyone is inheriently lazy. yeah, well looks like we got the code system down, "Store associates, code 6" haah, that means smoke break. Hell, even i have a code, i guess i am loved.**rolls eyes** anyways...
"Hi, I'm a dumbass, I'm Mike L."
So mike l visited in alco and bought some detergent or something, but quickly came back for his driver side rear tire was flat. after laughing at him we gathered up two extension cords and the air machine and headed towards his on-the-rim-flat. We filled it up, but you could see it was going to loose air quickly and i told hinm to get home as fast as he could. Well after pumping it up with air, he flies on out from his spot backwards, and i noticed that in the process he ripped out the extension cord from the machine and other extension cord. I waved to make him stop but he just waved back and flew past me. I tried chasing after his car but he spedily got onto route 2 with the cord chasing after him as well. he called alco when he got home and said the cord was in bad shape, what a dumbass...
Hi, we're losers, we're Twan and Jason"
Twan met up with me as i left alco, and we decided it was coffee time. But you see, the only problem with that is it was just us. We franticly tried calling people, but sadly we know noone, people were washing their hair, or had caller ID and didn't want to speak to us. Yeah it's sad when you have 2 numbers in your phone book, your cell and your home. So to no avail, we went to RtC by ourselves. We gopt a table for 4, saying that we think 2 more may be joining us, haha, we suck. I got tired at one point and randomly called numbers of people i haven't spoken to in awhile to see what would happen, free nights and weekends yo. I even called random numbers to see if someone was there, that turned out to be a bust as well. Though one person did call me back saying someone from my number called him, hahaha, sounds like a prank...
"Nobody likes me, I'm Twan"
Twan was having a bad night as well, i guess by the time we got our food, there were 3 different instances sunday up to that point wherein peopple thought he was mean. Even the people we called to join us, and bring thier friends wouldn't go or join because twan was mean. Poor twan, everyone's picking on him, and the only "freind" he had was me, damn i pity him. I think he was just having an off night, he also wanted to get some alcohol, but soon found out it was sucky sunday, and you can't by alcohol in indiana on a sunday, haahha. So after looking like fools we headed back south......
"Hi,I'm not pete"
At the amoco/bp in cedar lake we decided to turn left there, why not. After only moments in cedar lake I realized just how much i hate the damn place. Stupid turns and crap for a business selection, and i thought lowell was bad, we at least have a straight road. The lake was on my right hand side, throwing me off a bit as well...after driving around the lake and such i noticed that the car behind me has been following me for some time, and now they were pretty damned close. now i wasn't sure of the speed limit, but you all know how i drive, so there was no need for him to be that close. As i approached the stop sign the man in the white suv pulled along side of me. He rolled down his window and i did the same, he yells over to me, "oh, you're not pete, sorry, i thogut you weer one of my friends" as i muttered a confident hello over his words. He appologized and turned left, so i went right.
Dewes has a twin in Merrillville
So we made it back to lowell, and drove around, it was terrible. Twan finally decided for us to stop at Family Video to see in the sopranos dvd's were in. As we got out of my car, i asked him, is that dewes in there? Well much to our suprise, it was not, but a very close comparison we thought. What gave it away that it wasn't Dave was the fact the "dave" was wearing as purple **faggy** merrillville varsity jacket. I mean the hair flip was down perfect and everything, plus he was with two girls, i mean come on, it was dewes' twin, i swear to god. i would have gotten a picture of him, but i left my phone out in my car, damn. I at least got his last name, Weineke, hahaa. well enough of that time to get back on the road...
Fuckin' Blue Dice
We didn't get very far, actually the stoplight right at family video on Joe Martin, when a car pulls along side of us. I yelled out HAT! as i powered down twan's window and a smiling jackie wojcik, mary earpelding, and some guy in the backseat greated us. They took note of my lights and immediatly asked if i had sex in my car. Confused, i replied with an honest chuckle, no. They told us that having dice in your car means you have sex in there as well, news to twan and i. Basically, nobody will ever, for as long as i own that, have had, or will have sex in that car. of course i can boastfully say that, all passions of that type are being locked away, what good are they to me now, i guess masturbation is the only way to go, nobody's feelings gets hurt there. Though they are locked away tightly, people are trying to pry that damn door open, i'd just hate for me to one day loose it and go "Heather style", that would just kill me, along with all the STD's, haahahha, shall we continue... We stayed and chatted as the light turned green, then finally we went our seperate ways when another motorist wanted to get throguh the intersection.
Memories a bitch, .........please no spin-offs of that
Well we drove around some more then finally called it a night. I know there was more to blog about, but damned if i can't remember it. I guess this is pretty long for one day's worth of entries. Back to the grindstone tomorrow, i don't have to work at target til thursday,, still angered about that, but hey what can you do. When i find something that makes me happy i'll let you know, otherwise the quest is still on
Yeah, as you can see from the title, **don't you love howe the title tells ya everything** sundays suck. I used to be partial to them, liking and disliking at times, but today's experiences, well they just sealed the deal for me. Well, i got dressed up today, don't ask me why, just something simple though, shirt and tie, no suit or anything. I worked today, set up the rest of the center aisle, whoopdee. I think i lost some respect for my "best cashiers", i guess everyone is inheriently lazy. yeah, well looks like we got the code system down, "Store associates, code 6" haah, that means smoke break. Hell, even i have a code, i guess i am loved.**rolls eyes** anyways...
"Hi, I'm a dumbass, I'm Mike L."
So mike l visited in alco and bought some detergent or something, but quickly came back for his driver side rear tire was flat. after laughing at him we gathered up two extension cords and the air machine and headed towards his on-the-rim-flat. We filled it up, but you could see it was going to loose air quickly and i told hinm to get home as fast as he could. Well after pumping it up with air, he flies on out from his spot backwards, and i noticed that in the process he ripped out the extension cord from the machine and other extension cord. I waved to make him stop but he just waved back and flew past me. I tried chasing after his car but he spedily got onto route 2 with the cord chasing after him as well. he called alco when he got home and said the cord was in bad shape, what a dumbass...
Hi, we're losers, we're Twan and Jason"
Twan met up with me as i left alco, and we decided it was coffee time. But you see, the only problem with that is it was just us. We franticly tried calling people, but sadly we know noone, people were washing their hair, or had caller ID and didn't want to speak to us. Yeah it's sad when you have 2 numbers in your phone book, your cell and your home. So to no avail, we went to RtC by ourselves. We gopt a table for 4, saying that we think 2 more may be joining us, haha, we suck. I got tired at one point and randomly called numbers of people i haven't spoken to in awhile to see what would happen, free nights and weekends yo. I even called random numbers to see if someone was there, that turned out to be a bust as well. Though one person did call me back saying someone from my number called him, hahaha, sounds like a prank...
"Nobody likes me, I'm Twan"
Twan was having a bad night as well, i guess by the time we got our food, there were 3 different instances sunday up to that point wherein peopple thought he was mean. Even the people we called to join us, and bring thier friends wouldn't go or join because twan was mean. Poor twan, everyone's picking on him, and the only "freind" he had was me, damn i pity him. I think he was just having an off night, he also wanted to get some alcohol, but soon found out it was sucky sunday, and you can't by alcohol in indiana on a sunday, haahha. So after looking like fools we headed back south......
"Hi,I'm not pete"
At the amoco/bp in cedar lake we decided to turn left there, why not. After only moments in cedar lake I realized just how much i hate the damn place. Stupid turns and crap for a business selection, and i thought lowell was bad, we at least have a straight road. The lake was on my right hand side, throwing me off a bit as well...after driving around the lake and such i noticed that the car behind me has been following me for some time, and now they were pretty damned close. now i wasn't sure of the speed limit, but you all know how i drive, so there was no need for him to be that close. As i approached the stop sign the man in the white suv pulled along side of me. He rolled down his window and i did the same, he yells over to me, "oh, you're not pete, sorry, i thogut you weer one of my friends" as i muttered a confident hello over his words. He appologized and turned left, so i went right.
Dewes has a twin in Merrillville
So we made it back to lowell, and drove around, it was terrible. Twan finally decided for us to stop at Family Video to see in the sopranos dvd's were in. As we got out of my car, i asked him, is that dewes in there? Well much to our suprise, it was not, but a very close comparison we thought. What gave it away that it wasn't Dave was the fact the "dave" was wearing as purple **faggy** merrillville varsity jacket. I mean the hair flip was down perfect and everything, plus he was with two girls, i mean come on, it was dewes' twin, i swear to god. i would have gotten a picture of him, but i left my phone out in my car, damn. I at least got his last name, Weineke, hahaa. well enough of that time to get back on the road...
Fuckin' Blue Dice
We didn't get very far, actually the stoplight right at family video on Joe Martin, when a car pulls along side of us. I yelled out HAT! as i powered down twan's window and a smiling jackie wojcik, mary earpelding, and some guy in the backseat greated us. They took note of my lights and immediatly asked if i had sex in my car. Confused, i replied with an honest chuckle, no. They told us that having dice in your car means you have sex in there as well, news to twan and i. Basically, nobody will ever, for as long as i own that, have had, or will have sex in that car. of course i can boastfully say that, all passions of that type are being locked away, what good are they to me now, i guess masturbation is the only way to go, nobody's feelings gets hurt there. Though they are locked away tightly, people are trying to pry that damn door open, i'd just hate for me to one day loose it and go "Heather style", that would just kill me, along with all the STD's, haahahha, shall we continue... We stayed and chatted as the light turned green, then finally we went our seperate ways when another motorist wanted to get throguh the intersection.
Memories a bitch, .........please no spin-offs of that
Well we drove around some more then finally called it a night. I know there was more to blog about, but damned if i can't remember it. I guess this is pretty long for one day's worth of entries. Back to the grindstone tomorrow, i don't have to work at target til thursday,, still angered about that, but hey what can you do. When i find something that makes me happy i'll let you know, otherwise the quest is still on
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Ssdt5$^4egI&*(m naw...Yeah You Fucking Heard ME!!!
Yeah, well as you can tell from the title, I'm in a world of...my own, maybe that's the best way to put it. Just got home from Target, got out early i suppose you can say. roads are terrible, some guy got me stuck on the hill over by my house, pissed me off, fucker stop at the stop sign on a hill. Anyways, apparently i blog too much detail, or that's the impression i get. I don't know, i try to get out all the relevant points, and though they might seem pointless i assure you they lead up to something. the only problem i have with typuing that much shit is the over use of the same words. i tend to use the words like, "well" "so" "and then", others might use "proceded", i don't know if it's me, but if i type/read the same words over and over in an essay/blog, whathave you, i get pissed and statr skimming, if the writer can't think of better words to use than the ones he's already said 12 times, then i don't have to take in the shit. I realized tonight at work my thoughts aren' even close to being anything even logical. Short fragmented ideas, scattered about randomly with no finalization and are even to quick to be considered whimsical. At work i like to think to myself, gather information and ideas, and i am usually good about coming to conclusions, even stupid ones at that, but at least the are solid ideas. It's like i'm loosing parts of my mind, no conotation or belief is healthy, scatter-brained isn't even the term for it. I don't even know i'm doing it unless i concentrate hard and try to think logically about what i just said/thoguht. we played over-the-phone -Tic-Tac-Toe the other night agian. it was so shocking, but she broguht it up, it was emotional. We were ending our conversation, wherein she had called me, and as we are saying our goodbyes, she just asks, do you want to play tic tac toe agian? it reminded me of something people do, "for old times sake" "like we used to do" something that had meaning back when, so to rekindle the good memoriess, let's do it agian. We played 3 games, and i let her win, yes, jason angus, Mr. Sore-loser let someone win. as we finished up with her victory lap and glaoting, she asked me if i was just humoring her because it sounded like so in my voice, i replied no, it just was a moment, and i was in shock. I don't work at target agian til thursday, how much does that suck? Today i get to orientate/orient...partake in giving orientation to my other hire, fun fun. I wasn't able to get bagels today/this morning becuase panera bread doesn't open til 6 or soemthing of the sorts. Yesterday was VD! I spent most of the day sleeping, then watching movies. Oh I did my laundry as well, go me. I put up an away message i thoghut was one of my bests, went somethign along the lines of, "....and my phone is turned off to avoid those unwanted calls, and calls from those who don't want you....." Yeah i never actually listened to the lyrics of Buddy Holly's "that'll be the die that i die", but it's sad and depressing, but is has that damn upbeat 50's pop thing going so who can tell the difference. I tell you one thing i am really starting to like the bluesy electronic guitar sounds, i want an electric guitar to make cool noises. I'm liking more zeppelin and bob dylan's "brand new lepord skin pillbox hat" any suggestions of some other good sounds? It's my shoes that stink, and i don't know what's wrong with them. i've never had a pair of shoes in my life which made my feet stink so badly before, but these damned new shoes i tell ya, grrr. I need to get to the mall sometime soon so i can get new pants and clearanced deals yo, but i know i'll be too damned tired to do it after work today. I got my dvd's in yesterday, thoguh i have seen the movies, i am just happy to hold them as my very own, not many things i can still do that with. and my discover card has been giving me troubles, the damn thing wasn't accepted for gas last night at the BP, so i had to use my BP card instead. I mean it's not a big deal if my card gets rejected, i got like 12 others i can use on the spot, but what the shit, it's the only one i use, and i don't carry a balence on it. I wonder if UofM is looking for me...."I dig you baby, but I gotta keep movin on." fucking woman. I like fishing, but i had the catch of my life, i was ready to call it quits, but no, the fish that got away. so out of spite the fisherman just sits at home, baitless, tellnig stories of the one that got away. It makes me want to yell HAT!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, well as you can tell from the title, I'm in a world of...my own, maybe that's the best way to put it. Just got home from Target, got out early i suppose you can say. roads are terrible, some guy got me stuck on the hill over by my house, pissed me off, fucker stop at the stop sign on a hill. Anyways, apparently i blog too much detail, or that's the impression i get. I don't know, i try to get out all the relevant points, and though they might seem pointless i assure you they lead up to something. the only problem i have with typuing that much shit is the over use of the same words. i tend to use the words like, "well" "so" "and then", others might use "proceded", i don't know if it's me, but if i type/read the same words over and over in an essay/blog, whathave you, i get pissed and statr skimming, if the writer can't think of better words to use than the ones he's already said 12 times, then i don't have to take in the shit. I realized tonight at work my thoughts aren' even close to being anything even logical. Short fragmented ideas, scattered about randomly with no finalization and are even to quick to be considered whimsical. At work i like to think to myself, gather information and ideas, and i am usually good about coming to conclusions, even stupid ones at that, but at least the are solid ideas. It's like i'm loosing parts of my mind, no conotation or belief is healthy, scatter-brained isn't even the term for it. I don't even know i'm doing it unless i concentrate hard and try to think logically about what i just said/thoguht. we played over-the-phone -Tic-Tac-Toe the other night agian. it was so shocking, but she broguht it up, it was emotional. We were ending our conversation, wherein she had called me, and as we are saying our goodbyes, she just asks, do you want to play tic tac toe agian? it reminded me of something people do, "for old times sake" "like we used to do" something that had meaning back when, so to rekindle the good memoriess, let's do it agian. We played 3 games, and i let her win, yes, jason angus, Mr. Sore-loser let someone win. as we finished up with her victory lap and glaoting, she asked me if i was just humoring her because it sounded like so in my voice, i replied no, it just was a moment, and i was in shock. I don't work at target agian til thursday, how much does that suck? Today i get to orientate/orient...partake in giving orientation to my other hire, fun fun. I wasn't able to get bagels today/this morning becuase panera bread doesn't open til 6 or soemthing of the sorts. Yesterday was VD! I spent most of the day sleeping, then watching movies. Oh I did my laundry as well, go me. I put up an away message i thoghut was one of my bests, went somethign along the lines of, "....and my phone is turned off to avoid those unwanted calls, and calls from those who don't want you....." Yeah i never actually listened to the lyrics of Buddy Holly's "that'll be the die that i die", but it's sad and depressing, but is has that damn upbeat 50's pop thing going so who can tell the difference. I tell you one thing i am really starting to like the bluesy electronic guitar sounds, i want an electric guitar to make cool noises. I'm liking more zeppelin and bob dylan's "brand new lepord skin pillbox hat" any suggestions of some other good sounds? It's my shoes that stink, and i don't know what's wrong with them. i've never had a pair of shoes in my life which made my feet stink so badly before, but these damned new shoes i tell ya, grrr. I need to get to the mall sometime soon so i can get new pants and clearanced deals yo, but i know i'll be too damned tired to do it after work today. I got my dvd's in yesterday, thoguh i have seen the movies, i am just happy to hold them as my very own, not many things i can still do that with. and my discover card has been giving me troubles, the damn thing wasn't accepted for gas last night at the BP, so i had to use my BP card instead. I mean it's not a big deal if my card gets rejected, i got like 12 others i can use on the spot, but what the shit, it's the only one i use, and i don't carry a balence on it. I wonder if UofM is looking for me...."I dig you baby, but I gotta keep movin on." fucking woman. I like fishing, but i had the catch of my life, i was ready to call it quits, but no, the fish that got away. so out of spite the fisherman just sits at home, baitless, tellnig stories of the one that got away. It makes me want to yell HAT!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
BIGGS, Mother Fucking BIGGS
ok, i'll make this short and sweet for you seeings that everyone else has. We all headed out of lowell around 545 and made our stop in Lafeyette. roads fucking sucked dick, but we still had that karma whoreness in us and stopped for several cars, and even turned down by some bitch. We went to this Biggs located in the mall of all places, and boy did it take up part of the mall. It's big alright, but i'd say poorly laid out and comparable to meijer, at least this one was, probably due to the fact it was in the mall. Funny thing is though, there's a meijer right across the street. I will give it to bigg's though, their prices were cheap, got some shit you can barely find in any store, hell yes s'mores and booberry. The cashier lady didn't beleive us when we said we took a day trip just for biggs. the mall also had a guitar store, oh it was like heaven, or something of the like, as we entered our ears were greeted with the voice of lenord cohen, and you just knew it was the right place to be. I saw some pretty guitars and came oh so close to buying this one for $260 but my crowd was at first pushing my away from it, then to a cheaper, bigger, crappier blue guitar. So we left empty handed and i wept, then slept while they continued teir journey to the center of cincinatti. They woke me and we headed out of the car garage complex onto the streets wherein our first task was to find a nice place to eat. Our one rule is we cannot eat at a place that they have around back home, ie mcdonald's, subway,...our findings came slim, the dinners we did find were all closed between the hours of 2 and 5 for some unknown reason, but we did settle our sights and our stomaches for "long horn" food was good, and i got a salt shaker out of it. the group demanded the truth out of me, and when i gave them it, they still weren't satisfied so they intened to attempt it later while i was sleeping. we continued our walk abouts and i directed us towards the camera store. it was a splendid thing to walk into, so many cameras and accessories for cameras, ahhhhhhhhh, ok i'm good, once agian i left empty handed, they wouldn't let me buy the $1100 nikon i wanted. So we proceded along, didn't stop at the suit shop like i wanted, but instead went to the HAT shop, yes HAT shop. Inside i knew the others imediatly felt out of place, and i put my attention onto a pretty little cream colored furry hat. I asked the lady if i could see it, she asked my size, now i start looknig stupid and say i think it was a 7 last time i checked. so she gives me the hat, i think it went well for me, and then asked the price. as she said it i could hear the jaws of the others drop and hit the ground. since i have hat shoped online i knew what i was getting into. The price you ask, $275, now knowing that the group wouldn't let me buy a guitar for 260, i knew for certain they weren't going to let me buy a HAT for 275, plus i didn't like the color of the feather on the side. that basically wrpaps everything up, the trip home was long, i didn't sleep well, kept waking up, and was stiff afterwords. well looks like this will be a yearly tradition now..
ok, i'll make this short and sweet for you seeings that everyone else has. We all headed out of lowell around 545 and made our stop in Lafeyette. roads fucking sucked dick, but we still had that karma whoreness in us and stopped for several cars, and even turned down by some bitch. We went to this Biggs located in the mall of all places, and boy did it take up part of the mall. It's big alright, but i'd say poorly laid out and comparable to meijer, at least this one was, probably due to the fact it was in the mall. Funny thing is though, there's a meijer right across the street. I will give it to bigg's though, their prices were cheap, got some shit you can barely find in any store, hell yes s'mores and booberry. The cashier lady didn't beleive us when we said we took a day trip just for biggs. the mall also had a guitar store, oh it was like heaven, or something of the like, as we entered our ears were greeted with the voice of lenord cohen, and you just knew it was the right place to be. I saw some pretty guitars and came oh so close to buying this one for $260 but my crowd was at first pushing my away from it, then to a cheaper, bigger, crappier blue guitar. So we left empty handed and i wept, then slept while they continued teir journey to the center of cincinatti. They woke me and we headed out of the car garage complex onto the streets wherein our first task was to find a nice place to eat. Our one rule is we cannot eat at a place that they have around back home, ie mcdonald's, subway,...our findings came slim, the dinners we did find were all closed between the hours of 2 and 5 for some unknown reason, but we did settle our sights and our stomaches for "long horn" food was good, and i got a salt shaker out of it. the group demanded the truth out of me, and when i gave them it, they still weren't satisfied so they intened to attempt it later while i was sleeping. we continued our walk abouts and i directed us towards the camera store. it was a splendid thing to walk into, so many cameras and accessories for cameras, ahhhhhhhhh, ok i'm good, once agian i left empty handed, they wouldn't let me buy the $1100 nikon i wanted. So we proceded along, didn't stop at the suit shop like i wanted, but instead went to the HAT shop, yes HAT shop. Inside i knew the others imediatly felt out of place, and i put my attention onto a pretty little cream colored furry hat. I asked the lady if i could see it, she asked my size, now i start looknig stupid and say i think it was a 7 last time i checked. so she gives me the hat, i think it went well for me, and then asked the price. as she said it i could hear the jaws of the others drop and hit the ground. since i have hat shoped online i knew what i was getting into. The price you ask, $275, now knowing that the group wouldn't let me buy a guitar for 260, i knew for certain they weren't going to let me buy a HAT for 275, plus i didn't like the color of the feather on the side. that basically wrpaps everything up, the trip home was long, i didn't sleep well, kept waking up, and was stiff afterwords. well looks like this will be a yearly tradition now..
A beginning, not just of the Week, and maybe not of the End....
So I got home this morning from Target, spent sometime shooting the breeze, and headed off to bed. Oh, but before i did all that, upon entering my house i took a look at my car. Due to the fact it had snowed, and the streets weren't plowed yet, i noticed that snow had covered all around the edges of my tires. They looked like white walls!!! At that moment i ackowledge the long deep seated fact that i want a car with white walled tires. I mean it looked soo good on the black car like that, ohh if only, who knows what is in store for me....Now, back to what i was saying, it's become all to apparent that I am having the hardest time sleeping in my bed/room. I wake up every now and then, telemarketers calling me all the time, dogs barking, sunlight shining, just annoying shit. So i finally decide to get out of bed, kinda sweaty, just irritable and disorientated, and my hand hurts. upon further inspection i find i have a blood blister, out of nowhere. So i make it into work, a little late, but there, and everyone is in a good mood, all saying hello to me and such, doesn't irritate me as much as it normally would, i just shrug it off and go about my way. For me it's a little wierd, if i'm in a good mood when i enter the building, everyone could talk to me, ask me questions, whatever; however, if i am in an indifferent mood, a "hey" or nod would suffice, and especially would not like to hear somebody saying i was late, grr. but anyways the day just needs to grow on me that's all, my mood will improve as i gradually wake up, and it did for that matter. Started taking care of matters of business that didn't get tended to from the weekend. Made some calls for more interviews, why are we hiring everyone asks, ehh, i guess we just got tired of the old people....but it's those damn lazy morning crews that need to be replaced more than anything, now i'm not saying the night people are perfect, basically those that recover every night will get hours, those who don't will slip off the schdule, i'm announcing this now. Well not like anyone who works at alco readds this, just letting you guys know..anywho...so yeah, i got to do one of the interviews tonight, the other will be held on wednesday, the next day i work, although i think the postion is already filled. yeah, basically the girl i hired, whoops, interviewed tonight is getting the position. Yeah, so when asked on the phone how long will the interview take, i said 30 minutes, then however long it takes to do the math session, but the actual interview, based on responses, takes 30 minutes. Well this girl, jackie wojcik or something like that, she kinda knows me, i mean we talked online way back when, then stopped, and haven't spoken since, but this interview of ours took about 2 hours, including math test. I mean we got off track from the interview sorta at times and brought up interesting things like Mr. Bleha and Mike Arlen, but everything was relivant, or so it seemed then. And i kinda went through some orientation type things, which drug it out to 2 hours. She's a real pleaser, friendly as can be, and even dewes liked her quick wits. I didn't feel right hiring her on the spot, like i did with that other girl, kristin, onlt for the simple fact that i have that other interview on wednesday. you see, at the time, kristin was the only girl i could get ahold of, so it was basically decided during the interview process that she'd be a good canidate to hire, nothing to be "wowed" about, just something. So one more interview to go, then i'll be happy to hire jackie, and that melissa morefoot girl is thinking she has the job, well she never got in contact with me so she can just stay at her little "restuarant" job. That basically wrapped up the night at alco, and then it was off to home, but not before Tony dumped off his couch, haha...
Home, well that place I go to sleep at Nights...
So i got home and my lovely Brookie calls me, her illness has turned on her agian, and probably because of it, she hating schoolwork. I try to encourage her through it, have her read to me some on the lines, and she was doing very well, like a natural writer, then she became spent, writers block and needed a break. So that's when i told her to get some paper and a pen, she hesitantly acknowldged, and then i told her we were going to play Tic-Tac-Toe over the phone. It was so awesome, well i know i at least enjoyed it! We got along very well, no fighting, and th interaction was great. I don't know if i have actually fooled myself into believing we can be friends, or if my mind thought it was like we were still together. it was just very good. I don't know her perspective on it of course, and i don't want to ruin anything, but like i said, it was like we were still together, and if this is what just friends is going to be like, well, then, i don't know how i will take it. On the one hand i have the same interaction i love to have with her like we were together, on the other, we aren't together, mixed emotions and feelings can lead into awkward situations. But for now, I'm going to enjoy every second of it, on whatever level i feel like, get it while i can now, because if it is the end, then, we'll never have it agian. I guess all i can do is keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars....ughh, i actually said that quote, grrrr
So I got home this morning from Target, spent sometime shooting the breeze, and headed off to bed. Oh, but before i did all that, upon entering my house i took a look at my car. Due to the fact it had snowed, and the streets weren't plowed yet, i noticed that snow had covered all around the edges of my tires. They looked like white walls!!! At that moment i ackowledge the long deep seated fact that i want a car with white walled tires. I mean it looked soo good on the black car like that, ohh if only, who knows what is in store for me....Now, back to what i was saying, it's become all to apparent that I am having the hardest time sleeping in my bed/room. I wake up every now and then, telemarketers calling me all the time, dogs barking, sunlight shining, just annoying shit. So i finally decide to get out of bed, kinda sweaty, just irritable and disorientated, and my hand hurts. upon further inspection i find i have a blood blister, out of nowhere. So i make it into work, a little late, but there, and everyone is in a good mood, all saying hello to me and such, doesn't irritate me as much as it normally would, i just shrug it off and go about my way. For me it's a little wierd, if i'm in a good mood when i enter the building, everyone could talk to me, ask me questions, whatever; however, if i am in an indifferent mood, a "hey" or nod would suffice, and especially would not like to hear somebody saying i was late, grr. but anyways the day just needs to grow on me that's all, my mood will improve as i gradually wake up, and it did for that matter. Started taking care of matters of business that didn't get tended to from the weekend. Made some calls for more interviews, why are we hiring everyone asks, ehh, i guess we just got tired of the old people....but it's those damn lazy morning crews that need to be replaced more than anything, now i'm not saying the night people are perfect, basically those that recover every night will get hours, those who don't will slip off the schdule, i'm announcing this now. Well not like anyone who works at alco readds this, just letting you guys know..anywho...so yeah, i got to do one of the interviews tonight, the other will be held on wednesday, the next day i work, although i think the postion is already filled. yeah, basically the girl i hired, whoops, interviewed tonight is getting the position. Yeah, so when asked on the phone how long will the interview take, i said 30 minutes, then however long it takes to do the math session, but the actual interview, based on responses, takes 30 minutes. Well this girl, jackie wojcik or something like that, she kinda knows me, i mean we talked online way back when, then stopped, and haven't spoken since, but this interview of ours took about 2 hours, including math test. I mean we got off track from the interview sorta at times and brought up interesting things like Mr. Bleha and Mike Arlen, but everything was relivant, or so it seemed then. And i kinda went through some orientation type things, which drug it out to 2 hours. She's a real pleaser, friendly as can be, and even dewes liked her quick wits. I didn't feel right hiring her on the spot, like i did with that other girl, kristin, onlt for the simple fact that i have that other interview on wednesday. you see, at the time, kristin was the only girl i could get ahold of, so it was basically decided during the interview process that she'd be a good canidate to hire, nothing to be "wowed" about, just something. So one more interview to go, then i'll be happy to hire jackie, and that melissa morefoot girl is thinking she has the job, well she never got in contact with me so she can just stay at her little "restuarant" job. That basically wrapped up the night at alco, and then it was off to home, but not before Tony dumped off his couch, haha...
Home, well that place I go to sleep at Nights...
So i got home and my lovely Brookie calls me, her illness has turned on her agian, and probably because of it, she hating schoolwork. I try to encourage her through it, have her read to me some on the lines, and she was doing very well, like a natural writer, then she became spent, writers block and needed a break. So that's when i told her to get some paper and a pen, she hesitantly acknowldged, and then i told her we were going to play Tic-Tac-Toe over the phone. It was so awesome, well i know i at least enjoyed it! We got along very well, no fighting, and th interaction was great. I don't know if i have actually fooled myself into believing we can be friends, or if my mind thought it was like we were still together. it was just very good. I don't know her perspective on it of course, and i don't want to ruin anything, but like i said, it was like we were still together, and if this is what just friends is going to be like, well, then, i don't know how i will take it. On the one hand i have the same interaction i love to have with her like we were together, on the other, we aren't together, mixed emotions and feelings can lead into awkward situations. But for now, I'm going to enjoy every second of it, on whatever level i feel like, get it while i can now, because if it is the end, then, we'll never have it agian. I guess all i can do is keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars....ughh, i actually said that quote, grrrr
Sunday, February 09, 2003
The WeekEND to End all Weeks to come
Ok so that leads us into the weekend...I woke up some time and was getting ready for work at ALCO, I gave the homed brooke a call to see how things were. Needless to say she made it short and i told her to call me back at the astore, she refused, so i said i would call her then. Well around 3 or so i get a call from her, i was uncertian of the plans and told her i had also forgot about the fact that i was oreinting a new person tonight and i'd call her back 6ish with any updates. So then comes 630, i was trying to watch the clock, but ou know how that is, you watch and watch, and it seems your checking it every 2minutes, and then when the times comes for you to check it, it's already way too late, well that's exactly what happened here. i noticed it was 630 and as i glanced into the food aisle, i had to take a second look, because there in the flesh stood my marvelous beauty brooke. i was astonished, but felt terrible becausei knew she was there because i missed the call. I hugged her, and though she hugged me back for only 3 seconds, i still enjoyed it. I asked donna if it would be ok to leave, telling her i may be back by the end of the night, and then we headed off to merrillville. On the way up I had her listen to my Rolling Stones Symphany CD, i think she liked it. At one point during the drive i wanted to hold her hand, but she had them nestled away and all i got was the sleeve of her coat. We walked aaround the mall, but not too soon into it i went to place my hand on her back, just a hand on her back,,not a wrap around or anything, and she turned to me, and with this disgusted voice said, "Jason" and like my hand feel, i sunk into depression. Too shocked to know what happened, tears did stream from my face, though nobody noticed. I was ruined at that very insistance, there was no reason for me to be there, just to give her a ride to merrillville and back, i was as worthless as any other guy walking around her. She got her cinnabons and freezed coffee drink, and her and my body went to best buy, while my heart stayed ripped into pieces on the floor for not only her, but everyone else to walk on and trample. She picked out some movie i never heard of and we went home, as much as i would have loved to talk to her, she wasn't the same person i used to be able to talk to. My brain was to frozen in shock and fear that it remained in it's corner, questioning everything that it once held to be true. If you would have asked me at that point what two plus two was, i would came up with many answers that i felt very uncertain about, and in the end said, what does it matter, we'll all be dead some day. As we exited the car back at aloc she seemed happy, and even initiated the hug with me, i replied softly in her ear, " don't take the fact that i still want to be with you to get whatever you want from me." That statement crushed her, maybe not as much as her statement of "Jason" did to me. She weeped into me, and i carried her over to her car. I appologized for being so cruel and then kissed her on the cheek. I don't know what impulsed me to do so, but i wanted to, and amidst the uncertianity and longing to the kiss itself reminded me of the first time i kissed her..back in the little theater. Just the, not sloppiness, but the nervousness? or something, it just seemed the same. She left and i went back to alco then target to finsih my night.
I found out Sunday that the hand on back, and i'm sure the kiss as well, made her feel uncomfortable and she wasn't gonig to put herself through it just to make me happy for 20 seconds, quoted from her. She also stated how if i can't handle just being friends that she was gonig to remove herself out of my life fully. I can't loose her, even if we just have to be friends, i wouldn't be able to handle it. But she seemed so apt to just ending it right there and then it hurt me, the fact that she could do that. I don't know if there's somethign i'm missing, or what. thisi s such a big thing, yet it isn't to her. why why why, what, i want to know where it went wrong. I'm not allowed to talk about "us" anymore, i can't bring up us, or what happened with her any more if i ever want to speak wit her for as long as i live. apparently this is tramatizing her, and i'm hurting her. So confused, but must throw these feelings away like garbage, along with the questions. It's like we're covering up the alien crash in roswell - some say it happened, those who lived during it, well they aren't alive now.....now which one was i talking about???
Ok so that leads us into the weekend...I woke up some time and was getting ready for work at ALCO, I gave the homed brooke a call to see how things were. Needless to say she made it short and i told her to call me back at the astore, she refused, so i said i would call her then. Well around 3 or so i get a call from her, i was uncertian of the plans and told her i had also forgot about the fact that i was oreinting a new person tonight and i'd call her back 6ish with any updates. So then comes 630, i was trying to watch the clock, but ou know how that is, you watch and watch, and it seems your checking it every 2minutes, and then when the times comes for you to check it, it's already way too late, well that's exactly what happened here. i noticed it was 630 and as i glanced into the food aisle, i had to take a second look, because there in the flesh stood my marvelous beauty brooke. i was astonished, but felt terrible becausei knew she was there because i missed the call. I hugged her, and though she hugged me back for only 3 seconds, i still enjoyed it. I asked donna if it would be ok to leave, telling her i may be back by the end of the night, and then we headed off to merrillville. On the way up I had her listen to my Rolling Stones Symphany CD, i think she liked it. At one point during the drive i wanted to hold her hand, but she had them nestled away and all i got was the sleeve of her coat. We walked aaround the mall, but not too soon into it i went to place my hand on her back, just a hand on her back,,not a wrap around or anything, and she turned to me, and with this disgusted voice said, "Jason" and like my hand feel, i sunk into depression. Too shocked to know what happened, tears did stream from my face, though nobody noticed. I was ruined at that very insistance, there was no reason for me to be there, just to give her a ride to merrillville and back, i was as worthless as any other guy walking around her. She got her cinnabons and freezed coffee drink, and her and my body went to best buy, while my heart stayed ripped into pieces on the floor for not only her, but everyone else to walk on and trample. She picked out some movie i never heard of and we went home, as much as i would have loved to talk to her, she wasn't the same person i used to be able to talk to. My brain was to frozen in shock and fear that it remained in it's corner, questioning everything that it once held to be true. If you would have asked me at that point what two plus two was, i would came up with many answers that i felt very uncertain about, and in the end said, what does it matter, we'll all be dead some day. As we exited the car back at aloc she seemed happy, and even initiated the hug with me, i replied softly in her ear, " don't take the fact that i still want to be with you to get whatever you want from me." That statement crushed her, maybe not as much as her statement of "Jason" did to me. She weeped into me, and i carried her over to her car. I appologized for being so cruel and then kissed her on the cheek. I don't know what impulsed me to do so, but i wanted to, and amidst the uncertianity and longing to the kiss itself reminded me of the first time i kissed her..back in the little theater. Just the, not sloppiness, but the nervousness? or something, it just seemed the same. She left and i went back to alco then target to finsih my night.
I found out Sunday that the hand on back, and i'm sure the kiss as well, made her feel uncomfortable and she wasn't gonig to put herself through it just to make me happy for 20 seconds, quoted from her. She also stated how if i can't handle just being friends that she was gonig to remove herself out of my life fully. I can't loose her, even if we just have to be friends, i wouldn't be able to handle it. But she seemed so apt to just ending it right there and then it hurt me, the fact that she could do that. I don't know if there's somethign i'm missing, or what. thisi s such a big thing, yet it isn't to her. why why why, what, i want to know where it went wrong. I'm not allowed to talk about "us" anymore, i can't bring up us, or what happened with her any more if i ever want to speak wit her for as long as i live. apparently this is tramatizing her, and i'm hurting her. So confused, but must throw these feelings away like garbage, along with the questions. It's like we're covering up the alien crash in roswell - some say it happened, those who lived during it, well they aren't alive now.....now which one was i talking about???
The Tumultuous Week of 2/3/03
Ya know, not much really happened tis week, well besides work, does anything really happen to me, and don't forget to add in heartbreaks. so basically that sums up the week,i worked, nothing happened, i didn't do anywhere, yet my heart continued to yearn and break for brooke. On monday i went into work to order, set up interviews, and i also watched Mulholland Drive recommended by vince. God that was one fucked up movie. Once agian i started off my day late, do i really need as much sleep as i try ot get on my days off? So i worked at target that night, yay, no new news there, well except we will be getting our paychecks biweekly starting in august, no big deal. Tuesday I did some interviews, hired some girl, krisitn baker, on the spot, basically because she was the only person i could get ahold of, how sad is that, plus her interview went pretty well, as opposed to the three guys i had last week. oh, i also pissed off my front end cashiers by having them a list of things to do for that day.
Online chattings..., not with the devil
So that night i talked wit my lovely brooke, she started to get upset and asked for me to let her go to sleep, so i did. So after she went away i tried to get some other insight on brooke's deal, so i decided to talk to one of her friends down at the academy, one of her best friends, liz. so we chatted for a little bit, i got little insight, but somethings did get through to me. i guess her being away from me, down at muncie just drove her insane, even thoguh we were still us, us not being together, knowing that my co-workers saw me more than she did, hurt her, probably as much as i ma hurting right now. So i started to message brookie, telling her i talked with her friend so it didn't seem i was going behind her back or anything, and during the process i wa interrupted by my mother, who demanded i finally fix something on her computer. so there i let it hang in the balance while i thought i would be soon to return. After much time and energy wasted on her computer, yes i didn't get what she wanted done, some cd wouldn't load and kept freezing her machine, i went back downstairs to finish typing my 50 or so messages to brooke * she told me she enjoyed reading all my messages in the morning and have been trying to leave as many as possible everynight*, as i get to my computer i noticed she had messaged me, several times, apparently she talked with liz and i was lying about something, basically it wasn't good. i panicked, i starting typing to her and calling her, i got ahold of her and she hung up the phone on me the first time, the second she let me get some more words in. i pleaded with her to believe me, that i wasn't lying and in fact was gonig to type more to her. Talk about bad timing, her i am trying to keep everything together in place, and something like that where trust issues are being tossed around like pillows.
Missed calls and mis-plans
Days come and go, Wednesday night i received some phone calls while i was at target, returned them on my break, but they were from brooke, she sounded like she needed someone to talk to, she pleaded to my voicemail, so when i returned the call she was quick to get off the phone with me, complaining of being sick, when i called her the next day, whatever was on her mind had then slipped away. So days and nights continue to pass, friday comes around and i speak to a very sick brooke online, she says she's coming home for the weekend, and wanted me to ask her mom if it was ok for me to ride along the trip. so i called her mom, she decided i should just go and get her, which was no problem, but then called me back later to say brooke wanted her mother to come get her, and she wouldn't be stopping in lowell, so i was booted from the plans. So i stayed at work, did my own thing i guess, as i naturally do, and then a call comes in around 6ish...
Dancin' with the Devil
It's Heather, and she needs a huge favor from someone, anyone...that favor, attend a college dance with her, geez. So after her calling numerous amounts of people, she propositions me with it. Well since my earlier plans were botched, and i had the aching to get out of there early i decided yes, it's a friendly favor. I leave work at 630, go home, change, realize i need gas and am on my way at 7. i got at valpo at 730, met up with heather, saw somebody else driving Jimmy's truck around, and made it to the dance place at 8. We left there agian at 915 to run errands, drop off her truck to let mike have it and whatnot, to return agian at 10ish. It wasn't much of a dance, not a huge amount of people, or maybe it seemed like there wasn't that many because of the spacing, wasn't cramed, very open. Every 15 minutes or so we had to go outside for a smoke break, the got really annoying, especially when hotel california was playing, and i was stuck outside in the freezing cold. I felt no rhythm at all, couldn't dance, plus for the fact we were in a big circle, no partners or anything like normal, just kinda there. Basically we were the welcoming commitee and clean up crew, i got free food out of the deal so i was set. I headed back home around 12 i'd say and by the time i made it home, i was dead tired and crashed.....whic leads me into the weekend, as if friday night didn't copunt, but here's the weekend.............
Ya know, not much really happened tis week, well besides work, does anything really happen to me, and don't forget to add in heartbreaks. so basically that sums up the week,i worked, nothing happened, i didn't do anywhere, yet my heart continued to yearn and break for brooke. On monday i went into work to order, set up interviews, and i also watched Mulholland Drive recommended by vince. God that was one fucked up movie. Once agian i started off my day late, do i really need as much sleep as i try ot get on my days off? So i worked at target that night, yay, no new news there, well except we will be getting our paychecks biweekly starting in august, no big deal. Tuesday I did some interviews, hired some girl, krisitn baker, on the spot, basically because she was the only person i could get ahold of, how sad is that, plus her interview went pretty well, as opposed to the three guys i had last week. oh, i also pissed off my front end cashiers by having them a list of things to do for that day.
Online chattings..., not with the devil
So that night i talked wit my lovely brooke, she started to get upset and asked for me to let her go to sleep, so i did. So after she went away i tried to get some other insight on brooke's deal, so i decided to talk to one of her friends down at the academy, one of her best friends, liz. so we chatted for a little bit, i got little insight, but somethings did get through to me. i guess her being away from me, down at muncie just drove her insane, even thoguh we were still us, us not being together, knowing that my co-workers saw me more than she did, hurt her, probably as much as i ma hurting right now. So i started to message brookie, telling her i talked with her friend so it didn't seem i was going behind her back or anything, and during the process i wa interrupted by my mother, who demanded i finally fix something on her computer. so there i let it hang in the balance while i thought i would be soon to return. After much time and energy wasted on her computer, yes i didn't get what she wanted done, some cd wouldn't load and kept freezing her machine, i went back downstairs to finish typing my 50 or so messages to brooke * she told me she enjoyed reading all my messages in the morning and have been trying to leave as many as possible everynight*, as i get to my computer i noticed she had messaged me, several times, apparently she talked with liz and i was lying about something, basically it wasn't good. i panicked, i starting typing to her and calling her, i got ahold of her and she hung up the phone on me the first time, the second she let me get some more words in. i pleaded with her to believe me, that i wasn't lying and in fact was gonig to type more to her. Talk about bad timing, her i am trying to keep everything together in place, and something like that where trust issues are being tossed around like pillows.
Missed calls and mis-plans
Days come and go, Wednesday night i received some phone calls while i was at target, returned them on my break, but they were from brooke, she sounded like she needed someone to talk to, she pleaded to my voicemail, so when i returned the call she was quick to get off the phone with me, complaining of being sick, when i called her the next day, whatever was on her mind had then slipped away. So days and nights continue to pass, friday comes around and i speak to a very sick brooke online, she says she's coming home for the weekend, and wanted me to ask her mom if it was ok for me to ride along the trip. so i called her mom, she decided i should just go and get her, which was no problem, but then called me back later to say brooke wanted her mother to come get her, and she wouldn't be stopping in lowell, so i was booted from the plans. So i stayed at work, did my own thing i guess, as i naturally do, and then a call comes in around 6ish...
Dancin' with the Devil
It's Heather, and she needs a huge favor from someone, anyone...that favor, attend a college dance with her, geez. So after her calling numerous amounts of people, she propositions me with it. Well since my earlier plans were botched, and i had the aching to get out of there early i decided yes, it's a friendly favor. I leave work at 630, go home, change, realize i need gas and am on my way at 7. i got at valpo at 730, met up with heather, saw somebody else driving Jimmy's truck around, and made it to the dance place at 8. We left there agian at 915 to run errands, drop off her truck to let mike have it and whatnot, to return agian at 10ish. It wasn't much of a dance, not a huge amount of people, or maybe it seemed like there wasn't that many because of the spacing, wasn't cramed, very open. Every 15 minutes or so we had to go outside for a smoke break, the got really annoying, especially when hotel california was playing, and i was stuck outside in the freezing cold. I felt no rhythm at all, couldn't dance, plus for the fact we were in a big circle, no partners or anything like normal, just kinda there. Basically we were the welcoming commitee and clean up crew, i got free food out of the deal so i was set. I headed back home around 12 i'd say and by the time i made it home, i was dead tired and crashed.....whic leads me into the weekend, as if friday night didn't copunt, but here's the weekend.............
Saturday February 1, 2003
I'm sailing away, set an open course for Terre Haute...
So after getting some sleep in after my night at Target wherin my partner for the special project called off I decided it was time I headed to Terre Haute to see my Vince at Rose. This of course had the hidden undertones that I would also head Northeast to Muncie to visit my other lovely. The only reason why i didn't head to Ball State first was for the fact that Brooke claimed she would be busy all day set building and such for the play next week. So i took my rection in stride and went south on 41, made it to the evil Sumava Resorts in 6 minutes, but shorty after that i was pulled over by a state trooper whom was in front of me. He reversed/backwards clocked me from a mile away, damn him! Claimed I was doing 80 something at my high point and 60 or so at my low, got a ticket of course, out of state plates aren't good to have, grrr. So that started out my litle trip on a bad note, but I was going to see Vince, it would be all good in the end. I did slow down after that point tough, and thus made my trip a little bit longer than wheat i had projected it to be. So I drove and drove and drove,seemed like a long time, these trips are getting to me i think. I finally made it to Terre Haute, remininced about the week I spent at ISU for Hoosier Boys State only to return that fatefilled Saturday wherein I met Brooke for the very first time, though it wasn't much of a visit, we didn't know each other and we were just there so Tristen could pick up his little sister, but I did think at that time brooke was cute and wanted to go back agian when tristen went back, and successfully TP'ed the Schulfer's. Ohh memories, funny how everything can be related back to her. Anyways, i did get a little bit lost on my way, it was dark and I'm retarded, but I made it. So after the little gathering in Elizabeth's room they showed me around campus, even though it was dark, i still enjoyed, plus they said it looked better at night anyways, hides the filth. So after the complete tour we headed off for the mall, and i had Vince and Elizabeth listen to my Rolling Stones Symphony CD. Vince wanted to get pretzels from Auntie Annes. The pretzels were good, i just had an original with dipping cheese. It was humorous to sit down and watch all the fat Terre Haute people walk around in the mall, along it the slutty 12 year olds and the maintence gut who kept coming out of different doors. Afterwards we headed right over to the TGIFriday's with the idea i had coupons on me, well i realzied soon after that they were still sitting on my desk back home, grrr. I ordered some plain ol chicken sandwhich, something i knew i would be able to finish, and i got a whole lot of spite for it, then i counter-spited, and there was so much spite who knew what was gonig on, yes elizabeth can be a handfull, handfull of spite, but that's ok, it was enjoyable. Food took too long, we go pissed, no big deal, after dinner we headed back to Rose. We started to watch part of SNL, but decided we were all tired and went to bed, but before i did i had to call brooke to see if she tried to call, she promised she would and my phone wasn't receiving any reception in that part of the building. Well i called her, she told me she didn't call, but promised, agian, she would later. I told her it was no big deal, i wasn't getting a signal on my phone, but she said she would try. Around 4 she left a voicemail saying she forgot and fell asleep, i do remember my phoneringing, whether it was for the call or the voicemail i'm not sure, but it stopped by the time i realized what it was. The morning quickly came and we walked over to the cafeteria to eat breakfast/lunch. Hell yes dorm food, i was so happy, it reminded me of my days back in Michigan, almost worth crying over, but not quite. We sat at a round table and we commented on all the different freaks that walked in. Good ogd are there freaks at Rose. I witnessed ponytail girl, fannypack girl, and sandal wearing guy. Basically the entire population of Rose is freaks, geeks beyond that of kriske, and just plain ol fucking wierd people. Even Vince's roommate is messed up. I'd fear to live there like they do. We wrapped up the day with the traditional throwing of rocks into the iced-covered lake and riding the girl riding a fish. After much crying and hugging and weeping and sobbing and ok maybe not, i said goodbye and left Rose. I made one call to Brooke to see if she was there, of course she wasn't and i left a message saying i was going back to lowell. So i mdae the 2 hour trip back in good time, an hour and 20 minutes to kentland. i wasn't speeding excessivly, just keeping with my three car train....
Back and Zach
So i made it back to lowell, made my rounds to alco, my house, and family video, and then i noitced zach's car as at his parent's house, he must be back, so i stopped and much to my suprise there he was. barcus made it over shortly after and we all decied to split up, get some other people and meet at the truckstop. So there we all sat, talked about drugs, alcohol, more drugs, sex, drugs, and god only knows what else, oh yeah, car troubles. we moved tables twice, had more people join with us, but by 940 it was time for me to go, and dewes did the same. I made my return to call to brookie at 10 when i got home, she had called me earlier at the truckstop, but wasn't there or answering her phone. Eventually i did get a hold of her, turns out she was there, just sick and dying in bed. Then she confessed to me...she told me she couldn't lie to me, she wasn't set building all day, but rather went to a dance, with a guy, and thus gave me the run around so i wouldn't come down to see her. The funny thing is that i saw a poster for that dance when i had made the trip down the week prior, and i was going to ask her about it, if she was going, but forgot or something. I mean I'm not mad she went to the dance, just a little let down that she didn't tell me the truth straight up. Yes i was crushed, crushed by the fact that she could go and dance with another guy so easily after easily leaving me. Jealous of the fact someone else got to have a good time with her while i sat at home or whatever letting my heart bleed. Every weekend there's a nail in the coffin, something that keeps ruining my days off, my efforts to make things better, but yet i am still continuing, i'm still trying, still fighting, the jason angus most people know is a stubborn fuck who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants and will never give up at that process...i don't want to let anyone down, hence, i perdure.
I'm sailing away, set an open course for Terre Haute...
So after getting some sleep in after my night at Target wherin my partner for the special project called off I decided it was time I headed to Terre Haute to see my Vince at Rose. This of course had the hidden undertones that I would also head Northeast to Muncie to visit my other lovely. The only reason why i didn't head to Ball State first was for the fact that Brooke claimed she would be busy all day set building and such for the play next week. So i took my rection in stride and went south on 41, made it to the evil Sumava Resorts in 6 minutes, but shorty after that i was pulled over by a state trooper whom was in front of me. He reversed/backwards clocked me from a mile away, damn him! Claimed I was doing 80 something at my high point and 60 or so at my low, got a ticket of course, out of state plates aren't good to have, grrr. So that started out my litle trip on a bad note, but I was going to see Vince, it would be all good in the end. I did slow down after that point tough, and thus made my trip a little bit longer than wheat i had projected it to be. So I drove and drove and drove,seemed like a long time, these trips are getting to me i think. I finally made it to Terre Haute, remininced about the week I spent at ISU for Hoosier Boys State only to return that fatefilled Saturday wherein I met Brooke for the very first time, though it wasn't much of a visit, we didn't know each other and we were just there so Tristen could pick up his little sister, but I did think at that time brooke was cute and wanted to go back agian when tristen went back, and successfully TP'ed the Schulfer's. Ohh memories, funny how everything can be related back to her. Anyways, i did get a little bit lost on my way, it was dark and I'm retarded, but I made it. So after the little gathering in Elizabeth's room they showed me around campus, even though it was dark, i still enjoyed, plus they said it looked better at night anyways, hides the filth. So after the complete tour we headed off for the mall, and i had Vince and Elizabeth listen to my Rolling Stones Symphony CD. Vince wanted to get pretzels from Auntie Annes. The pretzels were good, i just had an original with dipping cheese. It was humorous to sit down and watch all the fat Terre Haute people walk around in the mall, along it the slutty 12 year olds and the maintence gut who kept coming out of different doors. Afterwards we headed right over to the TGIFriday's with the idea i had coupons on me, well i realzied soon after that they were still sitting on my desk back home, grrr. I ordered some plain ol chicken sandwhich, something i knew i would be able to finish, and i got a whole lot of spite for it, then i counter-spited, and there was so much spite who knew what was gonig on, yes elizabeth can be a handfull, handfull of spite, but that's ok, it was enjoyable. Food took too long, we go pissed, no big deal, after dinner we headed back to Rose. We started to watch part of SNL, but decided we were all tired and went to bed, but before i did i had to call brooke to see if she tried to call, she promised she would and my phone wasn't receiving any reception in that part of the building. Well i called her, she told me she didn't call, but promised, agian, she would later. I told her it was no big deal, i wasn't getting a signal on my phone, but she said she would try. Around 4 she left a voicemail saying she forgot and fell asleep, i do remember my phoneringing, whether it was for the call or the voicemail i'm not sure, but it stopped by the time i realized what it was. The morning quickly came and we walked over to the cafeteria to eat breakfast/lunch. Hell yes dorm food, i was so happy, it reminded me of my days back in Michigan, almost worth crying over, but not quite. We sat at a round table and we commented on all the different freaks that walked in. Good ogd are there freaks at Rose. I witnessed ponytail girl, fannypack girl, and sandal wearing guy. Basically the entire population of Rose is freaks, geeks beyond that of kriske, and just plain ol fucking wierd people. Even Vince's roommate is messed up. I'd fear to live there like they do. We wrapped up the day with the traditional throwing of rocks into the iced-covered lake and riding the girl riding a fish. After much crying and hugging and weeping and sobbing and ok maybe not, i said goodbye and left Rose. I made one call to Brooke to see if she was there, of course she wasn't and i left a message saying i was going back to lowell. So i mdae the 2 hour trip back in good time, an hour and 20 minutes to kentland. i wasn't speeding excessivly, just keeping with my three car train....
Back and Zach
So i made it back to lowell, made my rounds to alco, my house, and family video, and then i noitced zach's car as at his parent's house, he must be back, so i stopped and much to my suprise there he was. barcus made it over shortly after and we all decied to split up, get some other people and meet at the truckstop. So there we all sat, talked about drugs, alcohol, more drugs, sex, drugs, and god only knows what else, oh yeah, car troubles. we moved tables twice, had more people join with us, but by 940 it was time for me to go, and dewes did the same. I made my return to call to brookie at 10 when i got home, she had called me earlier at the truckstop, but wasn't there or answering her phone. Eventually i did get a hold of her, turns out she was there, just sick and dying in bed. Then she confessed to me...she told me she couldn't lie to me, she wasn't set building all day, but rather went to a dance, with a guy, and thus gave me the run around so i wouldn't come down to see her. The funny thing is that i saw a poster for that dance when i had made the trip down the week prior, and i was going to ask her about it, if she was going, but forgot or something. I mean I'm not mad she went to the dance, just a little let down that she didn't tell me the truth straight up. Yes i was crushed, crushed by the fact that she could go and dance with another guy so easily after easily leaving me. Jealous of the fact someone else got to have a good time with her while i sat at home or whatever letting my heart bleed. Every weekend there's a nail in the coffin, something that keeps ruining my days off, my efforts to make things better, but yet i am still continuing, i'm still trying, still fighting, the jason angus most people know is a stubborn fuck who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants and will never give up at that process...i don't want to let anyone down, hence, i perdure.
"Tough times don't last, tough people do"....whatever
So last night was pretty much a bust for me, why is it that my weekends are sucking soo much. But before we get up to what lead me to feel this way, i'll tell you the immediate past, then work my way from last weekend up to last night prior to the imediate past, did you follow that, ok well here i go.... well last night was in fact Saturday, when i got ot work at Target, someone said i was scheduled for friday, so i started freaking out, in the end, everyone was wrong, and it was to be for me to work on Saturday, *whip sweat off brow* And since it was saturday., that meant there was no truck to be worked, yay, but there were only 8 workers, including myself and level three's, in the whole store. So first everyone did pulls, then we all went out to the floor to do, ewww, dare i say, flow work. Yes, flow is boring, but it gave me plenty of time to think to myself, most of it wasn't even worth the breath out of my mouth. You see usually whenever i have this incoherant rambling, in the end i have some outstanding idea or thought or way to live life, something, this time, nothing but confusion, confusion, but at least no anger. We got out around 5ish or so, andi headed home only to fall asleep without logging like i wanted to, setting my alarm for something i wanted to do in the morning, or changing out of my cloathes, hell my glasses were still on. So now you see what kind of mood I'm in, let's take in back one week, and a day i guess, and let's see where it all began, but not actually began, but what you've missed out on which has helped cause this whatever i am in.........
So last night was pretty much a bust for me, why is it that my weekends are sucking soo much. But before we get up to what lead me to feel this way, i'll tell you the immediate past, then work my way from last weekend up to last night prior to the imediate past, did you follow that, ok well here i go.... well last night was in fact Saturday, when i got ot work at Target, someone said i was scheduled for friday, so i started freaking out, in the end, everyone was wrong, and it was to be for me to work on Saturday, *whip sweat off brow* And since it was saturday., that meant there was no truck to be worked, yay, but there were only 8 workers, including myself and level three's, in the whole store. So first everyone did pulls, then we all went out to the floor to do, ewww, dare i say, flow work. Yes, flow is boring, but it gave me plenty of time to think to myself, most of it wasn't even worth the breath out of my mouth. You see usually whenever i have this incoherant rambling, in the end i have some outstanding idea or thought or way to live life, something, this time, nothing but confusion, confusion, but at least no anger. We got out around 5ish or so, andi headed home only to fall asleep without logging like i wanted to, setting my alarm for something i wanted to do in the morning, or changing out of my cloathes, hell my glasses were still on. So now you see what kind of mood I'm in, let's take in back one week, and a day i guess, and let's see where it all began, but not actually began, but what you've missed out on which has helped cause this whatever i am in.........
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
On a Side Note.....
Well i tried typing this little update a couple minutes ago, then my "H" key went bezerk, and i lost what what i was blogging about, damn. So i'm gonna wrap things up quickly before i go to work at Target tonght, need to get some sleep you know. I plan on blogging about my little trip down to Terre Haute over this weekend to visit Vince, that will be done later when I have some time, thoguh it seems that wheneve i have some free time it's been dedicated to getting in touch with Brooke, or reaching out to Brooke, or seeing her, or having her bring back that loving feeling.....Well if you don't know, Brooke has said she loves me, as a friend, but is no longer in love with me, and thus just wants to be friends, indefinatly. I am in the process of seeing actually what went wrong, but whenever i do it just upsets her, she gets aggitated with me, and i don't want her mad at me for any reason. There's just sometimes i need things explained to me as if i were three. I just want to set things straight, see what happened. She tells me to stopp feeling bad for myself, and I'm pushing her away, I'm starting to see how that's true, but i just love her ever so much. I know my lovely Brooke and I have gone through our share of fights and tribualtions, but as of late it seems as if this is the final goodbye, bad things have been spewing from the depths of evil. I regret ever taking her love for granted, i'm a fool, and I'm sooo sorry for it. If there's a moral to be learned from this it's never take anything for granted, anything. But of course, kost people like myself tend to only learn not from teachings and sayings, but experience. on one end it's been a good learning experience, but on the other, i do't want to loose her. Everyone knows she's my everything, and at times when it seemed as if she wasn't, you were taking it for granted.I don't know what to do, i want to offer her everything possible. If space is what she needs, well then, just let me know, but the uncertainity of us is killing me. I want there to be "us" agian, i'm willing to do anything. I know i am probably talking in circles now, i'm professing everything to my blog, and didn't intend to do so. If anyone has any insight on this matter at hand, please let me know. I will listen to anything, thoguh i will probably only act on what i want to hear. I want to be there for her soo much, more than as a friend, but as her other half. I don't know what was done or said, but i just wish i could be her's agian. I'm sorry Brooke, i can't make you fall in love with me, only your heart can do that, and i know where my heart is at. i'm sorry for ever making you think differently about us. I am madly in love with Brooke, whether she be my friend or my love, there's nothing else to say, other than i still have faith in us........***walking away head hung, crying***
Well i tried typing this little update a couple minutes ago, then my "H" key went bezerk, and i lost what what i was blogging about, damn. So i'm gonna wrap things up quickly before i go to work at Target tonght, need to get some sleep you know. I plan on blogging about my little trip down to Terre Haute over this weekend to visit Vince, that will be done later when I have some time, thoguh it seems that wheneve i have some free time it's been dedicated to getting in touch with Brooke, or reaching out to Brooke, or seeing her, or having her bring back that loving feeling.....Well if you don't know, Brooke has said she loves me, as a friend, but is no longer in love with me, and thus just wants to be friends, indefinatly. I am in the process of seeing actually what went wrong, but whenever i do it just upsets her, she gets aggitated with me, and i don't want her mad at me for any reason. There's just sometimes i need things explained to me as if i were three. I just want to set things straight, see what happened. She tells me to stopp feeling bad for myself, and I'm pushing her away, I'm starting to see how that's true, but i just love her ever so much. I know my lovely Brooke and I have gone through our share of fights and tribualtions, but as of late it seems as if this is the final goodbye, bad things have been spewing from the depths of evil. I regret ever taking her love for granted, i'm a fool, and I'm sooo sorry for it. If there's a moral to be learned from this it's never take anything for granted, anything. But of course, kost people like myself tend to only learn not from teachings and sayings, but experience. on one end it's been a good learning experience, but on the other, i do't want to loose her. Everyone knows she's my everything, and at times when it seemed as if she wasn't, you were taking it for granted.I don't know what to do, i want to offer her everything possible. If space is what she needs, well then, just let me know, but the uncertainity of us is killing me. I want there to be "us" agian, i'm willing to do anything. I know i am probably talking in circles now, i'm professing everything to my blog, and didn't intend to do so. If anyone has any insight on this matter at hand, please let me know. I will listen to anything, thoguh i will probably only act on what i want to hear. I want to be there for her soo much, more than as a friend, but as her other half. I don't know what was done or said, but i just wish i could be her's agian. I'm sorry Brooke, i can't make you fall in love with me, only your heart can do that, and i know where my heart is at. i'm sorry for ever making you think differently about us. I am madly in love with Brooke, whether she be my friend or my love, there's nothing else to say, other than i still have faith in us........***walking away head hung, crying***
Sunday, February 02, 2003
So Yeah, What does this Mean?
Which OS are You?
At least I wasn't WinME, well, it would seem appropriate, ha! i still lov it though it is a system resource eating mother yea.....
Which OS are You?
At least I wasn't WinME, well, it would seem appropriate, ha! i still lov it though it is a system resource eating mother yea.....
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