Pro-Noun

NOT more important
NOT any better

it should be fair across the board dammit!

So, in light of one of my more recent postings I became under fire for my arguing with a professor, mainly calling me out as being "lazy because i don't capitalize my i's" This is true, I, for the most part, will not capitalize my i's...it's not because i'm lazy, it's just that i've never done it.

When I gets capitalized on my assignments it's because Word automatically corrected it for me, thanks Word. But when i type on here, there is no auto-correct, so 90% of the time the i sits there all lower-cased and shit. The times i do capitalize my I is because it's almost been instilled into me, and depending on the time of day, if i just did homework, wrote an email, etc, then the capitalization bug is still with me.

but let's take a logical look at it for just a moment, shall we? Or maybe I should say, shall We? Oh wait, no, that's incorrect...another other pronoun, be it: we, us, they, them, it, he, she,you does not get any capitalization..what the fuck is up with that?! "I'm sorry but we do not get any capitalization, but if you stand right over there I will..."

What kind of pretentious mother fucker made that rule?! Some self-absorbed asshat was like, damn I'm so awesome that when I talk about myself in the first person using a pronoun THAT too should be capitalized...next thing you know, that person started talking in the third person just to prove more of a point of their doucebaggery...

you know, walt whitman said funk all that and didn't even care to capitalize the letters in his own name.....though i cannot find reason as to why he didn't..no time to investigate..continuing on..

anyways, i'm not a fan of capitalizing the i...it's not lazy, it takes my hands off from the very important keys..shift...fuck shift...it's allll the way over there in the corner...oh shit..there's two of the fuckers, that's how unimportant they are! they want you to use them so badly they'll put the stupid keys all over the damn place...give me another function key, two delete keys, something i'll actually use....my fingers have no time to press two keys at one when the outcome is only a larger letter..that's what CAPS is for...

CAPS IS FOR ANGRY!










"you know, when i is capitalized it just looks like a fucking lower case l..."

Don't Say That..

no no no...
this is NOT contradictory..

this is a public service announcement and you should heed warning....

Right off the bat I'm gonna sound like a prick, i'm gonna sounds contradictory, i'm gonna become my enemy upon typing these keys..So instead I'll sit in the matinee and tell you about all the boys i hate, all the girls i hate, all the words i hate, how i'll never be anything i hate...bear with me.

I hate goodbyes. See, I knew I was going to get that response...yes, yes, I have ALWAYS said, say goodbye...and yes, I want people to say goodbye. When people are leaving in the morning, or whatever, say frickin' goodbye (except for that one time I asked a person not to say goodbye, so in my head it never ended..ahh, memories..) but say.the.words. I've gone on hating enough people for not saying goodbye, but I suppose there is a fine line.

Goodbye is final, nothing cuts like a knife moreso than 'goodbye' - especially when that word is said in haste, said abruptly, said in anger. So it's not so much the word I hate, it's the context of which it is used...I hate the person's reluctance to deal with the situation, their abandonment of the situation...

Why can't people just say what's on their minds, like me? LOL But seriously, more would get accomplished, there would be no awkward situation, there would be no argument, no stupid emotion like how I'm feeling right now...

All my life I stress that people be honest with me, people tell me what is up...after that I expect the truth from them..when I start to question them and they reassure me, then I cannot question anymore because then I'm a dick, I'm not trusting them like I should be. And that is wrong.

Maybe i'm taking it out of context, maybe i'm reading more into than i really should...maybe CAPS DOESN'T MEAN ANGRY...but perception is reality...

this, sadly, is my reality.








"CAPS MEANS ANGRIES!"

Fuck the Rules

fuck the man..
let creativity ring

the fine line between being rebellious and creative.

I keep getting dinged in my classes for my "grammar" problems...be it the ellipses i use, the use of commas, the fact I don't capitalize my I's, whatever the case my be I lose points for it...BUT as my professors strike down their red pens and mark me wrong for it, in the same stroke they congratulate me, uplift me and my findings, my brilliant writing, my prose and wit..and this bothers me.

I am bothered by it because I feel they are creating a double standard, that what they want is impossible almost. In a world of 100 percents, if I excel at one part, something else has to suffer. I can keep my eyes close for 10 minutes, heightening my other senses in the process, while my sense of sight is at zero.

But it's not only that, but that's my style, that's who I am, that's how I write..part of the reason why it is so brilliant is because of the way it is written. If I were to employ perfect English grammar, the read would not be as smart, as enjoyable, as witty, or convey as much personality as it does currently.

Those painters, artists, etc are known for "coloring outside of the lines", i mean fuck, look at monet! Their works of art wouldn't be considered amazing historical pieces had they done what they were told to do..had they lived within the strict confines of "how to properly do their thing"

they all said fuck the rules

they said that not because they were rebelling against the structure, but because their creativity did not allow for it. Their minds were busy at work making something beautiful that they didn't have time to go back over with stupid little details of capitalization in short.

walt.fucking.whitman.

i shouldn't even have to say more with that statement. do you know most fucking authors, poets, writers don't follow the "laws" of writing, and the only reason why we the people see the perfect writing is because the publishing companies change it all as it is being pressed. Publishing houses clean it up, leading us to believe that those artists write perfectly ALL the TIME!

and yes, I know the difference between not caring because it's beautiful and not caring because you're a dumbass. If someone reads what I've written and is cranialy pleased, I've done my job, but furthermore it proves that "perfect english" had nothing to do with what was said...it didn't make my writing any dumber by not following the rules, and if anything my writing can stand on its own.

in the end, nothing is going to change the way i write, my writing is my expression of self, by reading you can tell i'm not some random joe, that my prose is beautiful, my thoughts witty, my knowledge vast, and those who say otherwise are haters. end of story.

quit trying to stifle creativity, it's fucking college!

(oh, and I'll justify full all-fucking-day long!)









"all in all we're just another brick in the wall apparently..."

Is it Wierd

to be upset..
..with emotions?

maybe i'm just talking about the one's i'm not used to...

Con...Fused

who says what
what says who

and everything else along the way

What do you do when actions and words do not match..no no, not like when I say I'm dancing a marathon right not as I am obviously writing a blog, or wait, maybe that is what I am saying..even more confused now lol. All through life we get ourselves in situations where what we want and how we act are two totally different things, but why is that?

Take for example this past Thanksgiving, as everybody gathered around, there were certain uneasy feelings for some, right? Ok, I'll use myself here. As I sat in the living room with my family, hors d'oeuvre were being placed out onto the coffee table that was in the middle of us all. They at there, and sat there...I was starving not having eaten anything before I made the road trip up, but I just watched the food sit there, as did everyone else. As much as I wanted to dig in, I refrained. Now some people would call this being polite, but what the fuck does politesse have to do with this, they just served the food, obviously they want you to eat it...especially after dropping it off they say, "Dig in!"

Why do we feel it wrong to go with our gut feelings? Why do we let the influence of others be so strong, even if it's not actually there? Why cannot we not think, feel, and act on our own ambitions rather than second guessing them because of what someone else may say or think?

Now I know they say peer pressure is strong, but honestly, funk that noise. I'm gonna do what I think/feel/know is best for me....because if I don't, I'll miss out. As my uncle said, "if you're shy you'll go without" - I thought about that phrase for a minute out of context, it's true. People are shy because they are afraid of a non-real factor, something they concocted in their heads. if you don't act on something, you won't get that something.

I prefer to go with "Hesitation causes accidents" Somebody who is wishy-washy, can't make up their mind only causes harm to themselves and people around them. As much as they think it's best to "not do something", they will pause, and never give it a chance..they are missing out. You ever sit at a green light, watch that person in front of you try to make that left hand turn...they've had several (missed) opportunities...each time they pull out a little more but clam up and stop..and before you know it they light is turning red and then they gun it...yeah same situation here. Their hesitation has delayed you, and maybe even endangered lived...all because they couldn't make up their minds.

I respect my friends and my family and those around me on that certain level, but I won't let their voices get in my head and cause me to not do something. If you're going to question me about who I am dating, I appreciate your input but too bad, I've made MY choice, please accept that. If you're going to question my change of career, again, I appreciate your concerns, but this is on me, please be supportive.

(now i'm not saying every decision needs to be supported, I've bailed on plenty of people who have asked for my advice, taken it for the first three seconds, then went right back into the horrible situation..I don't need people like that in my life but that's a different blog)

You know I am all about challenging others, so I do welcome any opposition, but I'm just saying, it will more than likely not run it's course in my brain until after I've given it a shot. So you can sit there and be negative and say "did you just say i love you?" and I'll respond with I sure did. I do not need to sugar coat anything to my friends, and I will not apologize for my feelings or opinions.

I do not wish to be wreckless with people's hearts, as nobody should be wreckless with mine. This isn't Bridges to Babylon, I don't want you to say those words to me unless you do mean them, with conviction. Maybe it's just like when I don't give PDA to a girl in public, there's a reason for that.

I just want things to match up; if you say A, then show A. Fuck the nay-sayers. Just Love.









"Sweet lies. Baby baby dripping from your lips.."

Con..

Cuss..
..ion

noooooooooooooo

I think everyone hyped it up, now it's been implanted into my head that I have a concussion...sure I got into an accident..and I've been sleepy all day...and after I showered I found a bump on my head from where I hit it.....and my neck is sore....and i'm getting a little nauseous..

this is all because i read up on concussions!

my stupid mother tells me i have a concussion, then everyone tells me to go to the ER, and i'm all like, i'm fine, i've been in accidents before..i'm ok!

seriously...this is all in my head, sure i hit my head, but everything here is self implemented, self-induced

or maybe i do have a concussion...i don't know, it goes away though...the treatment is nothing..bed rest and Tylenol...I got this.

in other news, this concussion is clouding my thoughts - or i'm just scared about losing someone

in other news, this concussion is making my stomach turn - or i'm just scared about the sudden change of attitude

in other news, this concussion is breaking my heart...










"Symptoms include...everything that November makes me feel, awesome detecting this one guys.."

Ok, Ok, OK

self-fulled..
bad luck..

or just plain ol coincidence....

November is coming to a close, thank the lord, but not after wreaking enough havoc to break my will. Clean-up time on the damage is approximated at a year, I feel like New Orleans...every time things start swinging back, here comes another disaster...maybe I should disappear for the entire month and see how that goes....actually, I'd probably wind up missing and never come back...scratch that thought.

Believe me when I say I do not wish these things upon me, and I do my best to not acknowledge it is November, but for some reason there's a holiday or two in that month that remind me what it is, ha. Now yes, shit happens in any other month, just like..well, normal. So why is it that November's disasters are so cataclysmic? Is it because I put this month's treacheries up on a pedestal, shine light onto them and elevate them to be worse than any other of the month's mishappenings? maybe.

I wrecked my car last year in November..actually it was the weekend of Thanksgiving..roads were slippery, lost control of a car that has all wheel drive and I spun out. Well as luck may have it, I wrecked my car this year, in November, on the weekend of Thanksgiving - this time the road conditions were ok...operator error once again.

I lose girlfriends in November...maybe because I get all weird, push people away, or whatever it is I do, but people around me tend to not be around the following months. And the sad thing is, it's never how I want it to be. Unless I tell you to Fuck Off, I'm pretty sure you're still ok to be around me. Their presence is what I am counting on to make it through the month of November...so why drop the bomb on me during one of my most vulnerable times..haven't people ever heard you can't beat a dead horse.

my seasonal migraine flares up in November, causing me to lose focus on everything around me...people, work, activities, school, etc, all become effected by my huge change in demeanor. I do not want to be cold to them, but it's out of my control. I explain to everyone what is going on, but does little..when it goes on for a week, people just think I'm being a dick...and this is the one time I'm not actually trying to be a dick.

And let's not even talk about the Seven years of Tears, as I lovingly have called the UofM's streak for losing to those assholes in the armpit of America...Fuck the Buckeyes.

I try to fight it all off, I stand my ground, try to hold onto those people, try to not let the accidents and everything else get me down..I know it's coming and so I do my best to dig my heels into the ground and hold firmly...I know the month is going to throw everything at me, but I know I have to keep standing up when it does..I know all this, but yet still at the end of the day, the end of the month, all the fighting and all the garbage has taken it's toll.

This past week has been no different; each day bringing a new offense to the table, and nothing gets resolved as the next day rolls in, eventually the weight of it all added up cripples the psyche and November leaves me there to rot, to suffer, but not to die...that would be no fun.

As my corpse of a shell lay barely hanging on, my soul tattered and frayed feeling like a war-torn village, December creeps in, dropping snow over me. The commercialization marches over without taking notice, of me, of anything in it's path to profit. I lay. alone. in the cold.

maybe next year I'll be in somewhere there's warmth....









"Fuck the November rain, if the November Rain was half my worries I'd be fine!"

To Fight the Good Fight

or any fight..
..just fight

I'm a fighter who loves coincidentally.

Funny, this has come up on several occasions this week alone, so I feel it now time to be blog-worthy. We've all heard the phrase "I'm a lover not a fighter", but I honestly cannot recall a time I've ever heard the opposite said. Is society saying it is better to be a lover an not to fight, but what if you are fighting for what you love?

I guess I just love to fight, give me a cause and I'm there. My English teacher in highschool once said to me, "Jangus, not everything is a revolution!" I think I can see where he is going with this, pick and chose your battles, don't make mountains out of molehills, shit like that...but, I guess I don't understand that logic. If something is said, if something is brought up, obviously it's "big enough" to point out...so why bust my balls when I defend it? Maybe I can't live things down, let things go, but that's just who I am and what I do, I'm a fighter.

I hate it when people say it's not that big of a deal, it's not that deep, when they are the assholes who said it in the first place. They attack, I counter, I'm the asshole?! Failed logic right there. Just because I was able to squash your accusation or claim or whatever, just because I was able to defend myself, the other side, etc doesn't make me the asshole, buddy.

Every cause is worth fighting for.

As long as you have conviction, you have the right, no, the responsibility to fight. Now granted there are key ways to go about fighting, not every cause needs your full on militia, but be prepared to deploy them at a moment's notice when things get out of hand.

I got ejected from my football game tonight. I disputed a call, I wanted a touchdown overturned. I knew I was right because I was involved with the play - the guy was down a good two yards before he or the ball cross into the endzone. I was fueled to defend myself beyond normal arguing limits by the horrible play calling that led up to that point - sure it didn't help that our team was losing, but it didn't help that we didn't have a call go our way up to that point either. As I tried to explain my point, I got a flag thrown for unsportsmanlike conduct. As the sand-filled yellow flag hit the turf, I lost my cool. I said some choice words letting the ref know how I really felt. His response was, "alright 35 here's another." The second flag hit the ground, he tossed me from the game, and I laid into him. I figured I was already gone, there was no turning back, what was there to lose. (being ejected also prohibits you from playing in the following game, the following game just so happens to be the last game of the season).

I was upset, I stood up for myself, I stood up for my team (as I am their coach), I stood up against the horrible play calling - did I go too far with it, maybe, but I was only brought to that point by everything else. It's not like it was one play and I went off the deep end, it was antagonized.

I fight because I believe.

I have "fights" with people not because I am angry, nor because I am trying to cause problems, drama, etc; I fight because I want to evoke emotion from those people. One of my girlfriends once told me that we "fought' more than any of her other boyfriends ever did. Now I am using the term "Fight" really loosely here, hence the quotes. Again, these weren't real fights, just me challenging a person's ideas/convictions/beliefs...I do this to see how true and how passionate they really are. I like to play Devil's Advocate a lot, and a lot of people hate it a lot. People hate when they come under fire and they cannot come up with an argument for their reasoning, people hate when they are wrong (I wouldn't know, I'm never wrong).

I fight because I want to take a stand on what I believe. I fight because I know what's right. I fight because it's worth it. I fight because it's the only way I know. I fight because giving up is not an option. I fight for what matters most to me.

Tenacity, that is what defines me. I'm the fighter in the ring that keeps getting back up..even after the match is long over, I'm still fighting. Til I win I'll keep fighting. Til I die I'll keep fighting. I'm gonna keeping fighting for you. Always.










"You think we're fighting, I think we're finally talking..."

I Feel Like Fucking Shit UP

i don't know for what
i don't know what about

i just think this is gonna be a ride, hold tight

I don't know what has gotten into me all of a sudden...at this moment right now, the fog clouds that once blocked the pathway for any logical idea have moved south, gaining strength, and are storming emotion in my chest - much like this odd late November thunderstorm we are having...

I don't know if it's a September leftover that just cured my migraine, or the fact that once you beat down somebody enough with so many different angles they burst back to life much like the Hulk - you don't wanna see him angry....well, I'M angry

Maybe it's the writing, my passion that broke through the pain, the pain of being stifled, locked away, hidden with no path to it...it wanted free, it wanted to be heard. nothing is as powerful as human conviction..i almost said nothing is as powerful as the human voice, but that would have been taken too literally..how about nothing is as powerful as the truth?

whatever...i'm losing it here, let's get back on...

there really wasn't a track, ever. Nor ever there will be, will there now? I haven't been drinking of this i assure you, despite the complete randomness of whatever it is i am saying

i want to say so much..i want tell everything as stories, poems, whatever but i know any attempt to do so will only look like i shotgunned my heart onto the screen. a mess of confusion. trying to sort out everything, the what goes where with whom is too daunting of a task...if it hasn't already been said, then it's already been buried for some time now...

emotions aren't time capsules for us to unlock later in life and reflect - rather they get sent to a landfill, where more shit gets dumped on top of them throughout the years in a forgotten area you can only see as you drive by on the freeway.

sad thing is, only over the course of time do we realize that we've been fools, emotions aren't biodegradable like we had hoped they were.










"you can run, but you can't hide..."

I'm not here to make friends
I'm not here to establish connections
even though it's all about who you know
i don't care

but i'm not here for me either
i'm not greedy
i just want to live my life

Idea

possible
possibility

something of the sorts...

this goes along with the post I made just the other week about reshaping the structure behind what I post. One idea I had consisted of telling a narrative, a story from my life in an epically long, multi-post fashion. The key is I would post my normal posts and what not, and every third day or so I'd throw in a new chapter in the story..

I think it would take a lot of talent, a lot of memory, a lot of hashing up old emotions that I really do not think I have the time for...but again, I feel as if these stories need to be told, the sooner I get them out, the better and more precise they will be

So if you want the made for TV mini-series of a love affair gone sour hit me up..i think i can still do this...after all, this is what i do










"Now that everyone knows, the statute of limitations on my promise not to tell my story have expired..."

What Just Happened?

my apologies..
..and an excuse

it was a good run, but two days off killed my streak

Jolted from a dead sleep it feels as if your head is in a blender as an alarm makes a deafening cry somewhere across the room. you frantically maneuver out of bed in hopes of silencing the piercing noise only to be succumbed by pain and find yourself back down as quickly as you had sprung up. A nauseous feeling overwhelms you as your mind spins after impact with the floor. The blades of lights cut across the room shooting out from the blinds and burn your eyes. You lay there in pain for that's all you can do or want to do, wondering what truck ran you over in your sleep. Pain is all you feel, pain is all you see, pain is all you hear, pain is all you can think because pain has now took up residence in your head. You are not experiencing a hangover, this is a migraine, welcome to my world.

My seasonal migraine has settled in for the season like those unwanted house-guests we call family during the holidays. I knew I was about due, but I keep thinking that every new year will be different. That's just madness..to hope. My head pain started on Thursday, and as much as I wanted it to go away, it only grew in strength. I do not get headaches throughout the year like most people, or if I do it's not a headache to my standards - probably because of the pain I endure during this period where I want a lobotomy. I call it Hell Week, because it typically last one to two weeks, on-again, off-again; worse than my highschool girlfriend....ok no, she was definitely worse.

I wake up and take my medication, having to take it on an empty stomach to get any results at all. If I'm lucky the pain goes away pretty quickly, but other times it only lessens a degree or two, still lingering. I take my 50/50 chances this morning in order to be functional and get ready for work in which I have to leave in thirty minutes. The problem with taking medication on an empty stomach is it wreaks havoc on your tummy, constantly urging you to feed it...but food will only wear off the effects of the drugs and your back at square one. Having to choose between the pains, I'll take the lesser of the two.

The other issue of taking the medication is the "medicine head" feeling that accompanies the "wellness". Sure I may not have pain, but I do not have thoughts either. I cannot focus. I'm sleepy. Speech stops in mid-sentence. Easy words are lost. Homework is impossible. Blogging is Blaaa. It's not like I'm a walking zombie or in a catatonic stupor; it's just that it feels like there's a huge fog cloud between me and my brain...I'm over here and it's...well, somewhere lost over there.

So that's where I've been the past couple of days. I apologize for disappearing over the weekend, but honestly, all my assignments were turned in late for school, work wore me down physically and mentally, and I couldn't pull it together.

Right now I'm in no pain, but my head feels like it's being compressed in a vice. I'm struggling to type this up but I'm doing so in hopes to fight those demons in my head, taking a stand.

hot flashes and frequent naps...are these common side effects?










"this must be the world's karmatic revenge on to me for being a dick the entire year distributed over a two week period..."

You Know You're Addicted to DDR When...

this is just sad..
because it's true

in light of my recent, long awaited purchase..much like this post

- You buy a pair of shoes / trainers specially for playing DDR.
X - You start taking a change of clothes with you to the arcade - So that you have a fresh T-shirt to wear on your way home instead of being drenched in sweat.
X - You only stop playing due to onset of cramp in your legs.
X - You carry on playing despite having cramp in your legs.
- When everyone else sings "Boom, Boom". You say "Mighty fine dollar" instead of "I want you in my room"
X - People think you have a stutter when you talk about the game.
- You dress in the exact same outfit like the characters dancing on the screen in the background all the time.
X - You have at least 10 mats for the Playstation in case one breaks.
- You steal the panels from the arcade and try to attach it to the playstation so you don't have to play with the controls or buy / use those crappy mats.
- You try to find all DDR on icq just to increase your icq list numbers and then brag about how you know all the DDR people in the world.
X - The local DDR arcade is now into the bottle water business.
- You ask your new boyfriend/girlfriend "Have you ever been mellow"
- The local arcade now has a private room with a DDR machine just for you.
- You vote for your favorite DDR song on your national top 30 song on the radio.
- Your personal ambition is to be a butterfly.
X - Your way of getting to know people is by dancing with them.
X - You dance on your hands.You have ripped 14 pants trying to street dance (playing with hands and feet)
X - You have, through MAJOR alterations, managed to make your DDR mat at home exactly the same as the one in the arcade... down to the plastic arrow your swiped from your neghbourhood arcade...
- You refuse to wake up from your sleep every morning to go to school, because you dream that you have eternal credits in the DDR machine.
- You find yourselve banned from your neighborhood arcade for spoiling 7 machines with your extreme dancing style.
- People at the arcade start asking you to change their money instead of going to the operators.
X - You dance on the 2nd side of the machine, while player 1 is playing his own, single player game...
X - Songs that you used to dislike are good now, since they were featured in DDR...
- You start to wear a white hat, one glove and grabbing you crotch a lot.
- When seeing an attractive women in high heels, your first thought is 'how can she play in those'.
X - At the arcade, you have more entourage than Madonna, Britney Spears, and Beyonce all put together.
X - You see arrows when you close your eyes.
X - You see arrows regardless of eyes open or closed.
X - You tap away steps on your fingers regardless of where you are.
X - You start doing DDR steps, in the middle of nowhere, regardless of where you are
X - You have important work to do, but load up DDR or Stepmania instead for a "quickie"
X - You can name any song on any mix, and sing along.
X - You know what Delight Delight Reduplication and Diet Diet Revolution are.
X - You had most/all of DDR Extreme on your pc before it even came out.
- You can remember the exact date when DDR Extreme came out.
X - You whistle DDR tunesYou have DDR ringing tones on your mobile.
X - You play DDR Music while you work on your PC.
X - You copy DDR Music to play in your car or on your mini/cd player
X - You have every single DDR game on your consoles
X - You are in love with one of the DDR background characters, and/or you can name them all.
X - You download DDR competition videos.
X - You have AAA'ed a Expert/Heavy song on the arcade machine.
- You have mastered all the songs on doubles on any level.
X - You only play DDR at the arcade, no other game is interesting enough.

so there you have it...sadly, I have been/am addited to DDR...wow









"This is the game where you use your feet....."

Duh..

i always remember..
until i forget....

and then I'll eventually remember that i'm forgetting something, i just won't know what...

So, as it goes, every-time I start to revive this thing it takes me awhile before getting back into the swing of things...like when Michael Jordan came back to the NBA after his short stint playing for the White Sox, his jumper sucked, the Bulls didn't get another title..but after that..oh brother, after that they went on for another 3-peat...yes, yes I did just compare myself to the great Michael Jordan, deal with it.

And let me tell you, this picking this shit back up, it's a daunting task..I usually tackle the task of writing head on, blitzkrieg attack my posts, coming out in a day to day fashion..one right after another...until I realize I didn't save any for the swim back. I wear down, get wore out, no longer does it become something fun to do, it's a chore, no longer a hobby, but something i have to do.

Just about the time last when I was trying to write, but it all came to a swift end I had a vision of how I wanted my future posts and blog to be, a vision that would have lifted some of the weight and stress of writing every single day...but the plan never made it off the drawing board, no true test model, just an idea..that lay dormant....until now.

I had forgotten this brilliant idea that would have saved my "life" had i put it into motion. The idea is something similar to that of what you can see on Tumblr. Having the ability to not just post lengthy, long-winded stories, but quotes, quick blurbs, pictures, whatever the case may be...just so I am not writing a thousand words a day in one sitting, while trying to live my life as well.

The idea really came to fruition around the time the "labels" were made available on posts...if you look through all my labels you'll see certain things like "quotes", "stories", etc...having the ability to structure my blog and have posts easily accessible under the little "tags" would allow the blog to be multi-versatile, able to let me go in different directions, therefore taking off some the creative stress from my back, by adding on a new kind.

so the question really remains, if this idea looks so good on paper, why was it never implemented, why didn't it work? Maybe because by the time I remember my saving grace idea I was already too burnt out on it, I couldn't undertake the daunting task of doing something different, let alone anything for that matter.

But this time I seem to have blown the dust off the back of my mind just in time..this idea has stirred new ambition for future blogs and a hope for tomorrow. Will it last, we will just have to wait and see...








"..Shit! I don't remember what I forgot!"

Jinxed?

something's strange..
..and it don't look good

the spot that makes things go away

So I am coming to terms that I have yet another curse, if you're unfamiliar with any of my other curses, well...damn, I haven't wrote about them..that would have been the most opportune time to insert a link all up in your face about it...ok you got me.

This time the curse involves a little device called, my iphone. The problem area: the fourth position down on my "favorites" call list. I know it sounds absolutely absurd, but, whenever I add a name to that spot, shortly there after that person is removed from my life.

It ranges from such extremes as deaths, to breakups, to someone not having time for me...but whatever the case may be, as quickly as they are put into that slot, they are removed just as well.

It's happened so often now that, when I feel as if someone's number is worthy enough to go into my "favorites" section I hesitate, come up with reasons as to why they are not "special" enough to go onto that stupid page...just because I now fear for the worst.

obviously is someone is going onto my favorites page, or is up for consideration of such a prestigious honor, it's because i talk to them a lot...and if i'm talking to them a lot, then that signifies there's an established relationship, a connection, something that makes them standout from the rest....it's like being top five of your class..ohhh the wonders of being in my bubble.

but with this slot now cursed, i do not want to put that relationship into jeopardy just because for the convenience of having their number in that spot. But over time, by popular demand, getting enough signatures on petitions, passing through both the house and senate all with a majority approval, the earlier vetoes and roadblocks are overcome and that number gets a spot onto my favorites page..the fourth slot.

Why don't i just add someone I don't talk to onto spot number four and keep them there, thus saving all future numbers by sacrificing some random loner number....that'd be like trying to pass off a prostitue as a virgin to the gods, they know better and the wrath that would be endured is unimaginable..we're talking fire and brimstone here people! it's written somewhere in the scriptures...look it up!

What about if i were to put my own number in slot4?! oh god...that'd be like crossing the streams...and crossing the streams is bad...like all life as I know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in my body exploding at the speed of light. but that's kinda heavy...aren't there other scenarios.... maybe it would put me into shock and Id simply pass out. Or two, the encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that's a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

So, I don't know what to do, how to handle it for all future applicants...do I get it blessed? exorcised? what?

y'all think i'm crazy, but this is true life...alright fine...i'm crazy









"Cursed are those who create suffering and sin..."

Urrrrrrgh

i want to write something..
..but all i can do is this

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"sometimes the worst feeling is knowing that even though you gave it your all, it still wasn't enough"

Blowjobs

girls don't know,
but they think they do...

time to set the record straight.

Dear Girls, you do NOT give the best blowjobs ever, end of story...no no..don't give me that bullshit, "well every guy i've blown has said i'm the best" Does that not give it away right there?! or does your super inflated ego block the obvious from showing through...

this is my issue...every girl i've ever talked to about blowjobs claims to give the best blowjobs ever. I know this to not be true and somebody needs to set people right. I've had my share of blowjobs, i've had one girl who was consistently decent, other than that they are less noteworthy than what I happened to be wearing at the time.

Girls, your blowjobs are not the best ever. I think it's kinda funny that women will call men liars about everything, until it comes to sexual related things. "all men lie about where they were, why they were out so late, who they were with, etc.." but they would never lie about your performance in bed...never.

Wrong.

Men lie about it so you'll keep doing it. Women are really super sensitive when it comes to issues of sex and most have complexes over their body, performance, what have you. Even the most mild conversation in any attempt on correcting a procedure will only amount to an argument, crying, and the threat of never doing it again because "they only do it wrong" in our eyes.

So men created this scheme after going down that troublesome road, just tell them they are great so we can still get a half-assed bj in hopes that it will eventually get better.

when you were in kindergarten and your teacher and your parents all were soooo proud of your little drawing, said you were the best, hung it on the fridge..didn't that feel good? it made you want to continue with your life, essentially..but looking back at that drawing now, you realized all those people lied just to keep your spirits up.

Women are children.

The only difference is, women never grow up and look back to see that their bj's really were not that great - they take their men's word as gospel and brag about it to their girlfriends and potential men later in their life.

no man will say the truth because, even though as bad as it is, it's something, and we do not want to lose that...well, i tell the truth

short story: One time long ago, this girl kept bragging all night about how she couldn't believe that i've never received a good blowjob, and how she gave such great head. So later on in the evening, i put her to the test. I won't go into detail of the variables that automatically disqualified her from giving me a great blowjob, but in the end, it was "meh". As she finished she gave me a cocky look saying "well?" to which i respond, "yeah, still have yet to get a good blowjob"

Yes I came, but the ends does not justify the means...just because I came does not mean it was a good bj - for the record I forced myself to come just to make it end. And I can hear all your whinny little protests from here, but I'll have none of that! Cumming does not equal amazing, a warm bagel can make me cum, that doesn't mean that's how i'll eat all my sandwiches.

I already know I'm going to have a part two to this blowjob topic, the next covering techniques, formalities, and so forth...this was more of an informational/setting the record straight post

let me state this to clarify, I'm not saying no girl can give a great blowjob, I'm just saying, bitch, you probably ain't the best...so to avoid humiliation and me losing all respect for you, don't say yous the best, says yous good, but not the michael jordan of sucking cock

everybody sucks cock differently, every cock likes different things...if you were that good, he'd still be hanging onto you now...just sayin'










"Girl, yous like Frosted Flakes, cuz you're Grrrrrrrreat!"

The System

I used to believe..
..but not anymore

it only protects those it shouldn't

I used to believe in working things through the set designed course-path, the system; but no longer...I forgot to add in the element that people could lie, even under oath. This Wednesday I went to court for my dog, a dog I purchased, loved, cared for, and had to temporarily let him go...all because some dumb bitch would not give him back. She lost me so she took the one thing I had in my life that I cared for, more than her, more than anything else, my dog.

Prior to any court dates, anybody who heard of the story has shown a general dislike to said girl, and told me to just show up to her doorsteps and take my dog back. I responded with that's not how things work, obviously there is a system in place for these reasons, I will go through the necessary hula hoops and get my dog back that way.

I figured if I go to court, tell my side, what more is there to it? Oh right, I didn't add in the fact she's a fucking lying bitch...my bad. So I have to go to court, on her grounds, with her daddy acting as her representation, in a place where he's on the board or chairman or some political shit like that...even though I was the plantiff, it was definitely an away game.

As she was called as a witness I was disgusted by the rehearsed dialogue spewing onto the courtroom floor. Her daddy holding her hand, guiding her words as he asked the questions for responses he already planned out. When asked by my friends why didn't I just lie, I said because the truth was better than any lie I could ever come up with, at least on my end.

The judge too was not on my side, not wanting to hear the story, only taking in what the defense said, disregarding half of my evidence I gave up midway through my fight. I kept my composure all the way up to one point where I finally had enough of the lies and could not take it any more. She gave a rehearsed legal term as to why she was withholding the dog from me and I burst out a loud "NO!" to which of course the judge said something to me about.

I came with a plan of attack, I had my documents, my defense, my truths...but I know it wasn't enough to match the evilness of lies told by the defense. I'll receive a judgment in 4-6 weeks, and frankly, I'm not looking forward to it. I do not have time to drive 10 hours round trip to play lawyer and have people make a mockery of the legal system using loopholes and lies.

I know she will read this, she still cyber stalks me, and I could not care less what she reads...I'm sure she'll use this against me in court too...or maybe sue me for defamation of character because I called her cunt, what the fuck ever.

I don't care anymore. I lost my dog to a person I entrusted him with, that was my mistake...and the cost was realizing that people will do great things out of spite, the cost was realizing that the person you thought you knew was a spineless scumbag reserved for the deepest depths of hell, the cost of my innocence that the system worked for good, not bad.

I never got a chance to tell her fuck off, so here it is now.










"he made me out to be a Michael Vick dog hating bastard...yeah well I fucked his daughter...in the ass"

Girls

all I really want is..
...nope, not gonna say it

who the fuck have these people been?

Honestly, looking back at the bitches I've dated/had relations with, I'm only left to ask, why? How is it one of the most picky people in the world allows such fucktards to enter the bubble.

As I sat in a court room across from one of the most socially inept people I've ever met, I wondered, what the fuck was I doing with her? That little blurb right there should be a key give away for me to move onto someone else...socially awkward, not in the good sense, then how did I deal with that? And that's just the tip of the iceberg with that one...I could go into details about her looks and make me come across as shallow, but honestly - I'm one for natural beauty, and I made the mistake of catching this bitch in her natural state..I remember telling her to fix herself up and never letting me catch her again like that..

Yes I like looks, that's fucking natural people (unless you're blind), you use the senses you got..what looks better a lamborghini or a mini cooper (I swear to god if someone tries to defend a mini cooper I'm gonna explode) So naturally I am attracted to what my eye is attracted to, survival of the fittest, look it up. Now I will say that the stereotype that guys like blondes and yada yadda yadda does not really apply to me..like I stated earlier, I like natural beauty...someone who doesn't need to cake on makeup, someone I can wake up in the morning next to and smile (ahhh, redemption)

I learned this awhile back ago, in fact, it was when I was at Michigan. I was dining with a group of friends at bursley hall, the cafeteria (best cafe food on campus) and a group of girls walked by to which my comrades starting commenting on. Everybody honed in on one girl in particular...the blonde. As everyone made their comments I kept silent...which was heard by the group prompting them to direct questions to me. I remember bits and pieces of my response, which I've used over the years since that moment, and even in the paragraph above mentioned it. "you see the blonde right, well the friend to her left, the one with the brown hair...she's the one i'd take" i get weird responses but go on to explain that she's naturally the better looking one, she's the one i could wake up to every morning and still see beauty and...i continued and by the time i was finished the guys all gave me an awww, assholes.

Regardless, I'm just trying to defend that i'm not as much of a prick as I may be coming off or you think I am.

Another girl had the looks, had the tits, but that was it. Sure eye candy is sweet on the eyes, there are many things that matter as well. If a girl is dumb, what's the fucking point? (at least in my opinions and my desires) If a girl tells me she never understands what I am saying because either A) I talk too fast or B) Uses big words that she doesn't understand I think we may have a winner, err, loser depending on how you look at it.

I'm asking for a girl who can keep up with conversation, offer her own input, has a mind of her own...but not be too smart...there's the key....you get some bitch who thinks she's smart (like all women) who actually does have some brains, then you're dealing with a "perfect storm". A bitch who is smart only magnifies their bitchiness and I do not have time for that.

No intelligence, no social skills, high Ph levels, no morals, I mean I could go on for days about all the miscues the women I've been with have had, that I've foolishly let in but that would be a bummer. Is this all my fault? Do I love getting to know people, challenging them, pushing their limits, making them better so much that I lose myself along the way. In the process do I fall in love with these people because it's real, or because I believed in my own propaganda...or is it because love is a fictitious state of mind...

If BTTF has taught us anything, it's just that, love is some made up state of mind and you can fall in love with virtually anyone at any given time...and that really challenges the cliche valentine's day meaning of love. Soul mates? Nah, just whomever my daddy hits with his car will be fine. Why do we try to make it out to be more than what it really is...I'm not condemning society's view on love, rather..well, i'm bitch slapping it in fact.

Now i'm not saying you can settle down with just anyone, I've tried that..it doesn't work. I've tried to find a girl who could put up with me, who loved me, who whatever...but I've found that in those situations, when most of the weight is being carried by the other, I lose interest. I had a girl who wanted to be my sugar momma, I could be the stay at home dad, it was perfect..except her. So even given the ideal situation, it wasn't what I wanted.

Like I said, I'm picky...maybe too picky, yet not picky enough at the same time. Annoying voices, distance, drama, ill-fated relationships, whatever the case may be I still step up to the plate for them...

I know I can fall in love with anyone at the drop of a hat...but I want it to be real










"I wanna go balls deep in her..i mean like..you know, I wanna go further than balls deep, i wanna go so deep it starts sucking me in like a vortex, breaking my back in half just to get deeper…that's how badly i want to be inside her"

Move-ember

there's something in a sunday...
..that makes a body feel alone

In Memoriam.

I was wondering what I was going to do today, and looking back upon it, I realize that I'm still trying to figure it out. Last night, err, this early morning we rolled back our clocks, which means an extra hour of sleep, unless you're me...For whatever reason my body just knows about DST and laughs at my thoughts of getting an extra hour of sleep - instead, it has an extra hour to keep me up..and ponder.

I'm doing my best to write, honestly. While I'm away from my computer a thousand ideas and topics rush through my head...rush so rapidly that I cannot grasp onto them when the time is appropriate.

So to kill two bluebirds with one stone, I am writing write now...it would be what he wanted I feel.

It's November now, so all creativity has fled my mind only to leave a vacancy for numbness and sorrow...the inevitable and much dreaded November is upon me, and while I look to the very near future for some sort of light at the end of the month, I am haunted by the past.

You can call it a self-fulled prophecy because my eyes are only fixated on the rear view mirror of my life, it's hard to overcome obstacles in your head when you never learn how to get around the roadblocks you yourself put up.

Why do we as people choose to go down the same disastrous road time and time again - is it that we are just products of habit? Even with the knowledge of the outcome, does it just feel comfortable? Are we trying, maybe hoping, to correct the wrongs from all previous attempts - in one of those self-sacrificing, say hello to my little friend, balls to the walls knock me down 7 times and I'll stand up 8 displays of detrimental dedication?

I suppose it must vary from person to person, as for myself, I suppose I'm still trying to figure that one out. When do you say enough is enough and give up, and when should you keep trying? All our lives we are fed these conflicting bullshit lines of hope, that really don't amount to anything and just contradict one another. They'll say a winner never quits in the same breath they say know when to walk away.

In the end it's all about the bloody outcome...if you continue over and over and finally achieve your goal, you'll go down as a stupid footnote to some cliche line about overcoming adversity...and conversely, should you never obtain that goal you'll be Moral Number 77, quit while ahead.

If at first you don't succeed try and try again, unless that is you're trying the same thing over and over again...then you're just insane.

So I'm preparing for this November, or Move-ember, or Mo-vember as people call it now - growing a mustache to support testicular cancer awareness - I like to mesh the Mo with Moves and testicular cancer with cancer, so it's Move-ember to me..all encompassing.

So there you have it, I'll see you at the cross-roads.











"To anyone I've ever met: I'll see you all again after our long journey to the middle."