Without a Title, It's All the Same, just not as flashy and impulsive....

Still sick, but it's not contagious. I feel as if I am going to puke, several reasons really, could explain but nobody reads beyond things in bold....

Call it my sickness, but my delusional ramblings are continuing, and even though I may be sick and have crazed thoughts, I surely think a lot clearer when I'm in this state, maybe I can phase myself out of reality into a trance a lot better when I'm sick, get focused on things easier, block out all around and stare..I may look lost, stupid, confused, or sad, but it's my time of reflection...

And I think it's going to rain today

So I know what's best, I know this "thing" is stupid, but I'll let it continue..I suppose I can be labeled the bigger person for knowing it's not right, it's all very stupid, but I'll continue to let it walk away..maybe I'm no better...but maybe doing what I am doing is the right thing, maybe deep down inside we both know what irrational actions we are doing, just too afraid to fix them?

I'm still lost, and not in anyway possible good. It's the end of march, going on April..I don't ever remember feeling anything remotely like this in past years, what does this all mean..the cycles seem to have been broken. things are definitely off

if this were a cry for help it would be filled with some more pitying and definitely wallowing in my own self defeat. my cries for help aren't obvious, probably because I know you can't get what you want, I don't think there's anyone who would listen or could offer the help, well not anymore.

Made up my mind to make a new start, Going To California with an aching in my heart

it's still cold outside

Let there be hope...
For life is but a chance
On a wind swept hill

Katrina made a comment to me the other day, and it's coming back to haunt me a little more each minute I'm here...we were talking about relationships or some jazz making some references to me, she said, " I want a guy who's nice, not a manwhore (basically a virgin), someone who's smart, knows how to treat a girl, would give everything for the girl he loves, all the other good qualities like funny, able to listen, etc, and knows what he is doing with his life" I laughed and amidst my chuckle I said, well yeah, I'm possible every one of those characteristics, except that last one....she said that would still work, but in reality...no, I know better

Well I'm sorry but I'm not
interested in gold mines,
oil wells, shipping or real estate
what would I liked to have been?
everything you hate

I don't know what I'm doing; here, there, anywhere...

*hours later*

But Angie, I still love you baby, ev'rywhere I look I see your eyes

you know what the saddest thing is..organizing your receipts..Yes, we all know I have ever receipt I've gotten since 1995, in chronological order...Anyways...I've got this stack I've been meaning to organize for a really long time..would have like to do it in December/January but it was too cold outside to do anything..but I'll do it now, many many months later.....but yeah, as I sort and stack and combine and everything else, I look at the dates and see where I was..I can remember all those little details of who I was with (if anyone other than myself and my other) all the memories of that particular moment come back to me..I remember it all, just as quickly as I probably pushed it to the back of my mind, it's there, all there...I can tell you when I rode the Ferris wheel at navy Pier (July), can tell you when I ordered a cinnabon to go (November 28th) with exact dates and everything, these receipts go back further than I thought..I found one dating from April 5th..and some even older than that, wow a year's worth...not a good thing since a lot of memories from then were supposed to be suppressed, but what can you do....it's sad and makes me want to cry..

**Still Later Yet**

I'm not hungry, yet I'm eating, and going to eat some more, once the pizza comes out of the oven....I'm getting fatter, yeah, believe it or not, it's all the eating, out of boredom and everything else..I need to have one of those fits of stress again, I'm sure to loose some weight then.....

I am the pilot of the storm - adrift in pleasure I may drown
I built this ship - it is my making
And furthermore my self control I can't rely on anymore

sometimes you can try too hard...I do it, though not too often, I still do it...I try hard, but I don't generally push it over the limits.....I did however, do it the past week. I haven't seen myself act in such a way in a long time, a really long time..it's pretty bad too, I mean I don't like my recent behavior, and of course to correct things I have to let the cycle run it's course..but I wonder what if there's a different way, I mean the cycle typically works out from case to case basis, maybe I'll try something a little different.....I shouldn't let several things slip through my hands all at once, got to filter these things, try to get an understanding...one by one, step by step, too much will kill the system, releasing one at a time...

I don't get second chances, no, not really...not in anything I have ever done. It's always been all or nothing, do or die..no median, no turning back once you've gone a direction, it's that, sorry...if I could have a second bout at my life would I go for it...maybe, it depends really....I would like to change somethings maybe, but more importantly there's moments I'd want to relive, again and again...I wouldn't mid getting stuck in a few moments for the rest of eternity...my death scene will be something like that, quick flash of my life, then slowing down for the really good parts..and I won't want to let go of those memories and feelings, not allowing for others to come through..and then I'd get overwhelmed, and then I'd stop trying to hold onto them and just savor the enjoyment, the beauty, and everything would be perfect....I don't know if you know what I am talking about, but whatever...There's only so many things I can remember right now, the good things I like to remember, things nothing can erase, feelings...you'll just remember more when your out of it or gone.

And I'm done...for now, but soon yes

We Are 35 Days Too Late....

Yeah, anyways so man what's up, how's your daughter? I feel like shit today, I don't know what's going on, but I hope I'm not getting sick. I couldn't get any sleep last night/this morning..I was choking every time I breathed, it sucked..when I finally did get to sleep an hour later, I woke up (don't know how much longer, maybe an hour or two, who knows..) and in a furry ran to the bathroom, pissed and wanted to throw up..but I laid back down..I didn't want to go to work today..I did start feeling a little better by the end of my shift, but I was in that delirious stage so it was kinda weird...

I just laid down after work, I didn't plan on it, but I crashed, and I couldn't get up..and now that I'm awake I feel like shit again..and it's not a good cough I have either...

so lots of people are quitting/getting fired from Red Robin...it kinda freaks me out, I know how a certain managers may not like me, so I feel I will be on the upcoming cuts, especially if I slip up in the next few weeks.....though I just proved my rockability to them on Sunday. I was number two in sales (lie it really matters anyways) in my morning shift I sold $644.00 worth of food, unfortunately Bradly sold $711.00 so he "won" though he had more tables to work, the entire bar with a total of 28 checks, whereas I had 5 tables to watch over with a total of 23 checks...

it was kinda funny how it started too, Nick this dumb fatass cut in front of me at the POS terminal as I was about to input an order, he signed in, and checked his sales as he brought the managers over to see..then he typed in Bradly's numbers and they looked at his sales, Nick was winning, something close to $400 at the time...so then he felt big and bad, moved a little out of my way and I typed in my numbers...I just started putting in my order when I canceled it and look at my sales, as they started to walk away I said, "I've got $420 in sales" and then went back to myself..they all came over in disbelief, the managers high-fived me and nick felt like an idiot..yeah, but I rock, so what....

Target - all have been talking about this promotional opportunity they think I am going to get...I'd have to work during the day, I don't think there will be much of a pay difference and will probably conflict with my other schedules....do I really want it, I became so adjusted to overnights...I don't think I do...but then I may be able to ride this position for another promotional opportunity when munster opens...I don't know....

oh, and I've been loving the analysis of my past postings..very nicely done, whether I meant what you thought or not it was really intriguing and I liked everything it may have conveyed.."if you packed it in your suitcase, you brought it on your trip"

I'm Sorry, The Person You Are Trying To Reach Has Erased You From Their Memory..Please hang up and don't ever dial again, we apologize for any inconvenience.....zero zero two, zero two three

Alright, so I just got on a computer here after a long night...I went and saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...and man, I tell ya, it was great..very very good...I could actually go again and see it for a second or third time..the cinematography is brilliant.

but at first Katrina didn't want to see that movie, we had talked of plans earlier in the week, and by some chance we actually did end up going out after work tonight..and as luck may have had it, it was really the only thing playing and she said it was up to me anyways, whatever.....

one thing I did marvel at was the way she got me to pay for her ticket..I was in awe wondering what just happened, I vocalized these expressions to her verbally asking, just how did she do that..I think the guy taking my money had something to do with it..hell, I don't pay for people when we go to the movies, very rarely..I have to like you, a lot..this blew my mind..I was indeed tricked into it, but it all worked out in the end I guess....

back to my point, the movie....brilliant..the ending made me cry, but that happens a lot..I told myself I will but this movie not even half way through watching it..it made me think..there were some thoughts that probably shouldn't be said, if you're wondering ask...I forgot I was in the damn movie theater...

I suppose the best way to sum it all up was already done by the voice recorder on the ride after the movie tonight....the movie made me rethink things, made me want to do some things, call ends to these childish games we play, made me wonder..but you know...as I went through those emotions, I came to my answer, it was really weird, and enlightening sort of thing, I had a moment and new it was all for the best, really, you got to hear the playback of it, you'll understand completely, I was in some Buddha-zen state..and now I will bear the cross

so my brilliance is coming round, making me feel some what worthy and happy, yay...now all I need to do is make the final step complete, I don't want to say it just yet, but maybe I'll play a certain Lynard Skynard song and you'll get the idea..Alright, but don't worry...I'm still thinking of you.

What in the Fuck Are You Rambling About.....coughinglittlethingsundermybreath....

ohh ohh, I came up with the most brilliant idea I have ever had..oh my, it's great...yeah..as long as I don't forget it, I will be golden....

anyways, off of that note....so I think it is funny how deceiving people really can be..well lets start with people's appearances, the look they give off. in the past month I've met a lot of people, and it's been hard for my judgmental ass to categorize people in their "correct" places. Take the example of my Lithuanian Princess Egle. she's adorable, comes off so sweet an innocent, but a sad truth is she has been smoking since she was in the sixth grade, couldn't tell though (maybe it's her accent hiding a raspy voice) but yeah, it came to me as a complete shocker...

it's getting to the point where I'm going to have to throw all the people in a "bad" category, guilty until proven innocent type of thing. but then by doing that I may come off like an ass, being too overbearing on certain issues and so forth...we'll see what happens....

and yeah, still some people are bothering me..and dammit, it being at the workplace..so what do I do, well the same ol predictable thing I will always do...and we'll see how long that lasts, for we all know it will come to an end.

well, to work with me I suppose, it's been real, word.

Nobody Cares...

No, not directed at you, or me, or about this blog (though maybe it should) just directed at something...nobody cares....nobody cares....Of course I was singing those lines, and if you can guess the song I was singing them to, you win a dollar....and maybe something more than that....

So here's a topic I got, and would like feedback..when was the last time you saw me nervous, actually, full blown out nervous..rather, who was the last person to make me nervous? And I'm not talking about some little stumbling over my words in a cute fashion playfulness like I normally do for you all, I'm talking voice cracking, changing pitch, trembling like a (refraining to use any damned Akaline Trio lyric here...) leaf in the wind..yeah, fucked up shit...

I can't remember anytime in my recent history someone has put such "fear" into me. hell, it's not even the first time anymore and it still happens...talking on the phone is literally impossible too...damn people.

side note, I still hate people who can't give directions..to hell with all of you...

anyways, I'm doing good...yeah, who cares really right? I tell you, it's all a joke, you got to laugh to have a good time...like that one bitch last night at Target..ohh man, here's one for you.....Candy was cracking on Stacey about her getting knocked up agian..just playful comments, nothing like I later said, but then Mary, Stacey's live in partner or wannabe parent got pissed and said it's not funny, it's no laughing matter, and just went psycho on Candy..well then I butted in saying, "you have to laugh at life, not only your mistakes, but mainly others as well, knowing and feeling great they didn't happen to you....so let's all laugh at how the little whore can't keep her legs closed and won't be able to offer this kid, her second child, the care and raising it needs..ha ha ha"........Silence, which quickly turned into Mary walking away talking shit about me as I held a huge grin on my face, offending Stacey who was also present and getting some laughs out of Candy, stupid people I swear....

alright, well it's getting late, well early if you are a night on the town type of person like myself, but late as in late for getting ready to go have my night out on the town...anyways, I'm right...that's all,and I'm happy with it! Fucker.....

I've Got a Secret....


So my loyal loopers, what's up? Rhetorical, nahhh...anywho

So I type this little journal thing out here for a select few...I've got my tape recorder, I've got my other shit that is more on hand than a computer..so why do I continue, honestly? Well it's to let you know what's up..yeah, I'm doing this for you, so those select few who are nosy enough to long for my every move know what I am doing at all times....it's alright though, I suppose my ramblings don't really do you justice, often vague little entries about cheese or some vegetarian crap like that......oh my, so I will continue so you will still have a hold on me, ok? (now those who know me know how I said that "ok")

ohhh my, yesterday was a disaster, a complete and utter disaster, I didn't think things could get worse, but low and behold they did...that's my life, I shouldn't expect things to ever start climbing up, so I will just ride the continuing slump down, it's one hell of a trip (wow...so many innuendoes...)

but it wasn't all that bad, my life/universe/?creator? likes to through in little things of why people are envious of my life...I am reminded why I continue to endure a life like this...for moments like yesterday night....

ohh how the day gets better at night.....

last statement was irony in itself, I liked it...anywho, so yeah, this is a story that dewes will love to hear, for some reason unbeknownst to me he lives off of my "shortcomings", hmmm, wrong choice of words, literally....my little accomplishments? what is the fucking word I am looking for....good gofff....this twelve year old needs to lay off the "cheese"

riiight..so people amaze me, always will....but that's a different story....as for the cycle, the setup, the process, I'm doing great..fuck ya'll..this makes no sense but to me, ha..take that people who want to know more.....

if I actually cared and gave a good fuck, I could change things, lord knows I could change the world if I so desired, just don't have the will or patience for some things....other things that mean more to me..well that patience never runs out...or so I thought. well, now I'm stuck choking on my words...ok, I don't give up unless.....damn, let's get some things straight first......

I can do whatever I want..I have a strong enough will......I can't get addicted to anything (well, certain delicious little things only makes my mouth water for more...)but like cigarettes, no biggie...I can smoke a pack in one day if you want me to, I will not "crave" one tomorrow...that shit is all in your head, you fucked up people....but yeah, no addiction to shit like that....so yeah, I have strong will to do things I want...then again in the same breath I have to resort to saying, I can never "seal a deal" as vince would put it. but it's true, I usually stop half-way through with all my endeavors..I get close enough, or I know I could complete it, and that's good enough for me....maybe it's a fear of "commitment", fear of abandonment, fear or something that's for damned sure....

and you know me, "if at first you don't succeed, try and try again", well yeah, if I really am after that, I will keep trying until I get what I want, or settle with some realization it's not meant to be....and even with that last statement I'm not to sure how many of those types of things there actually are..if I know it can't be done, absolutely can't be done, then what's the point.....I have to have a feeling for it, hard to explain, thoughts ping pong in my head and don't fully make it to the keyboard.....

so ten yeah, this thing, if I want it, I'd do something about it..but that ball is in someone else's court, I can only carry the weight for so long, now it's someone else's turn...and well from the looks of things, everything is working out fine, not my concern, not my problems.....hell yes water off my back

so this is actually a lengthy post, wow..I guess I'll end here...only to start a new one, mwhahahaha..suckers.

Shhhh....

This is not from my computer..little does (insert someone's name here) know, but I'm using "their" (yes I know that is bad English, but so be it) computer to make a blog post, he he he.......

You know, I'm a tall cool one, yes indeed....

speaking of tall cool ones, I was actually in Lowell the other day, god only knows what for, and I saw Mike Arlen, that crazy fucker....he looks taller, he's kinda built now, and has lost the glasses...yet is still a pain to talk to..I don't know what is up with that kid..I tried to leave like twelve times..why do I even converse with him, must be that glutton for punishment thing again...

if I ever do something brilliant like write a book or make a movie....tulips will be in there..somehow..they are so frickin' sexual....just say it, yeah..tulips....makes my mouth water....

At Target in some conversation Jenny was brought up..ohh how I miss her..I swear, if I ever get rich by some chance...I will get her back...I mean I like Lucille and all, but Jenny, Jenny was my first, she was amazing..granted we did have our difficulties, she was a bitch at times, moreso than Lucille has been..but as I have always said, I like it when people are bitchy at me....

actually going off of that thought, yeah, I like bitches, so be it right? I hate to go that far and say the word, but yeah, people who bitch in general or at me, I enjoy it..I guess it's a way to keep me inline, not letting me take any possible inch, yet I'll still try for something....I need someone to bitch at me, tell me what's up, tell me I'm not good enough...I was asked the other day why do I, and in general nice guys, go for girls who are "mean"..I explained to them what I just said....like Ashley, she's an Expo, she's defiantly a bitch, I have hardly ever seen her happy, she's smiled at me a couple times if I said something to cheer her up, but damn, she's got an attitude like no other....I get a kick out of I..maybe it's me trying to make someone happy, trying to go against the odds, making the impossible happy...who knows...I know what's up though....

wow, an actual insight into my mind.....well not totally, I left a lot to be desired, and a lot to be mis-construed...I know of a group of people who will definitely read this totally wrong....but it's my fault for typing it like I did, so I'm taking the blame now...whoops, I'm wrong, as always....

well, to learn and know what I actually think, just ask..but be prepared...don't get mad if I don't tell you things when you don't ask, or ask the right way..but if you ask..all I'll ever be is honest with ya......

and I hate lies, going off of a different topic, not the last one....if I do/have/whatever something I don't think is some people's business, I will keep it from certain people's knowledge, right? I make it my discretion who knows what....if they ask, I might reason with them..but if they go out and start making boldface lies, well then, that's when I have to uphold the truth, by not giving it away, yet swatting down the lies..hard to explain, but I'll give you an example if you ask...

alright, that's enough for now...I'm going to get some sleep..maybe have some more fucked up dreams...and maybe feel refreshed enough to take on the world and give it quits..whatever the choice may be, it's already been said and done.

Amazing...

Wow..it's amazing what a little sleep will do for me..well , not a little, but rather a lot....I got to sleep, I passed out at the computer at 10 or so....laid down on the floor when I woke up later and slept there til the late afternoon....it was great. I feel so refreshed, I felt happy, it was a different world..

don't ask me what happened, it sure as hell wasn't my dreams....I remember this continuing dream, it was messed up...something with these people eating dinner at a table, a large extended family dining, that damn table scene came up many times, and then there was the house, the "haunted mansion" as it was titled at the end of my dream, yeah those words came up in text form, wired...And I'm always watching things in my dreams, things happen around me...and when this lady was cracking the unsolved mystery of who killed who, I suddenly took the place of the main character..and to settles the wrongs I had done, she handed me the shotgun and I was supposed to kill myself...I had the barrel in my mouth and my toes on the trigger...Something happened, I forget what, I took off running..though the path was mirrored, there were two identical hallway/paths in the house...and where I ended up was just opposite of where I began, it was on the other side of the wall, in a closet..she was going to kill me.....but then there was some love scene almost..and then that damn dinner table scene came through the doors.....whoa...

anyways, I'm good....right now I have enough energy to do anything and everything..but I know I should conserve it, I mean it's not too often I actually get a good sleep...but I will probably waste it away tonight with some evening plans or some crap..oh well, can't last too long, I do have to work at target...

but this weekend....yeah, I get off from RR at three...have Friday night off, all day and night off Saturday and then return to RR at 1030...where will I go, I do indeed need to leave town for a stint.....Indianapolis has been calling, but damn I do hate Indy, I suppose I could go if I had the will..maybe a trip somewhere else, any ideas?

alright well that's all for now, showering and whatever else...

Happiness Isn't Always What You Fake Of It....

Awhghhehhhh, yup. So like a shaken up bottle of Coke, the stickiness is breaking through to the outer side. first signs were several days ago, noticeably to only two people, myself being one of them..damn the other for knowing too much....it snowed Sunday, reminded me of November and it's depression...and today, I was fine til 5, then candice and I started talking, but it wasn't even talking, just general comments..probably leaving too much of a gap to think about things..stupid things at that...

It's funny, I think all work environments were teenagers-20 year old whatevers work is a natural hangout for them, not just ALCO..though that has more of an impact being a townie thing as well....I find myself sitting with others after I get off work for several hours...I was there til 8 tonight. maybe it's just me, I have some drawing force where people feel like staying..kind like how the table we sat at tonight with it's yellow light shining down made everyone there depressed.

But yeah, today everybody and their brother could have pinned sadness on me, I mean damn I couldn't have signed it off better than in neon, didn't mean to, probably just too tired and apathetic to change it...you can only smile so many times...

I think I can get by in life with a good bass line in my head....

I don't care for talking right now...my mind is drifting and I could give less of a goof fuck about you bitches...later.

With a Knife, I Make My Sandwich....

well thanks to everyone who showed their support (or just wanted to hang out with me) and went to the concert friday night...hell was supporting the local scene...

and for those of you who said you would come, or those who can't answer cell phones, let alone returns calls..yeah, you people can fucknig suck my dick, assholes....a little moody i am....

anyways..the concert was good, i enjoyed the piss out of it..and check it, went to another show on saturday..that was a little bit different though..it was at a bar in east chicago, the singer's relative owns it or some shit...and at first i was doubting if i could go see them..pete called me up and said, "hey, we play at 9:30, we will be there at 9:00...try to get their at nine as well, and just say you are with the band" Hell mother fucking yes, "with the band", words that makes me overzealed with an ercetion....oh if only...and as dewes would like to think of it, "i'll worship you if you start dating the singer". i think dewes adornes me enough as it is, i don't need to put myself out any more than i already normally do for his adulation.

Got paid $50 bucks to work the night shift for Bradly, the drunken whore...it made me happy, i had nothng better to do than try to get some sleep....but the pisser was, the damn manager almost didn't wanbt me to have it, saying i couldn't handle it..pissed me off really well. so he said i could prove him wrong and take it, damn straight i did..i fuckng love proving people wrong, dumbasses....and it's not that i'm a bad server, well to my customers, it's the managers who think i suck. every person i've waited one has said i was really good, like really frickin' good. ehh who cares, it's the customers who tip me, not the managers...

and i'm really tired, so i'm finished...

Dirty Looks, Not Dirty Martinis....

So yeah, I guess I have no idea what to do when it comes to the whole bar scene....everybody gets their beer, me..a martini. the bartender looked at me funny, and asked, are you sure..of course I was, give me the damn olive too....but he said he'll make the first one sweet, and there was no olive...it was good no doubt, but still...

I guess I don't have that college-beer chugging mentality...beer, only the expensive shit is..more bearable? Call me a pussy for drinking my wine-coolers and what not, I prefer them..I'll do shooters if I want, but beer, as a casual drink, that's left for some more sophisticated....

why am I rambling about alcohol..it's funny to know how many people I work with that get trashed every night. there this one guy who has thrown a "party" at his house every night since we started orientating except for two, that's insane, and a waste of money if you ask me....

of course I could go onto another tangent, sex, that same guy has been with a different girl every night this week, been with been with..not like how ruben was describing me.

anyways...tonight is the concert...all must come....well yeah, something short of that..see you there...

Green and Horny.....

Happy Dragon Day to all of you..well for those of you on the East coast rather...in one particular place on the east coast....but yeah...for the rest of you it's happy St Patrick's Day, where everyone is Irish, even the Jews....

It was a day of days I guess.....I worked in the morning, getting off work from target at 630..more disappointment came for me, makes me not want to answer my phone I swear....burnt my thumb at work, but things did eventually pick up....

Barcus had originally been the orchestrator of a gathering for tonight...but when I tried to contact him (he said he would call me first, just for the record) he's phone just rang away, I left a message which has yet to be returned....

But on the bright side, Andy is in town and gave me a call..he actually returned this weekend, but things were crazy for him and now he has settled down somewhat able to make a call for a gathering...

Andy, dewes, and I did make an outing tonight..and boy what an outing..the very first 20 minutes or so were indescribable..actually it would take two hours to describe what happened in that short amount of time..We'll tell you sometime...

and after that we made the most out of the truckstop...nothing could really top what just happened..we had good times, laughs, it was great....and now I'm killing a few minutes before I head back out for our social Wednesday night gathering to Spiros..well that's all for now, to the pubs and parties I go..social butterfly I am *tee hee*

w00t w00t...

Ohh yeah..here's another random post.....four days in a row. I rock yo.....

anyways, there have been some comments to a few of my posts...people saying things....yeah, basically they want me to full out crush my opponents..but that's not how I work, well not with this dealing....it's my subtle blatantcy that gets them, not the blatant attackings...

I can only listen to Hypnotize once a month..and even then that's pushing it...I swear it'll make anyone go insane....

And speaking of subtlety..why is it that I am not the most subtle person, rather the exact opposite. put me in an awkward situation and I'll freak out, very noticeably...why can't I just say no, why do I have to actually speak what's on my mind, I'm sure the other person meant no harm...but laughing at them in the process while you say, "I can't do that...that's too much" yeah, I bet they felt stupid...I guess it serves them right...Corner me and I'll start climbing walls, I don't even play it off like I bumped into the wall, anyone can see the panic in my eyes and face...freaks...

and so that's that..anything else is left to the shelf....

Beware the Ides of March....

Yeah, no shit, beware....anyways, march 15th, a day after the life of Pi...

It was once my friend's birthday today, well I suppose it still is, I don't think he's dead, yet..if I wanted to be cool I could give him, or rather his family, a call, haven't spoken to them in years anyways..so whatever, pass...

So it's Monday...another week...and fro some reason I can't for Friday..beats me why really....all I know is that I am going to a show on Friday night..all who want to come just let me know, it'll be fun....

So somebody wants to start a war again, honestly people....whatever...just remember you threw the first punch...and also know that there are no rules in war (along with love and business)..and the rules that are made up are done so by the winners, in hopes of protecting their asses in the next conflict..I've won before, haven't set any rules because I know I still have plenty of ammo, A-bombs, and low blows to dish out...there is no holding back...I'll pre-apologize for it, "I'm sorry", there..now enjoy the shit you started......

it's the middle of march..and it's snowing....what in the hell...reminds me of that snow storm..hahaha..beware...

And let me make a correction...in the past I've said, "damn I fucking hate people" and yeah, maybe I meant it...but lately I've changed my position on the matter, it's not damn I hate people, it's damn I hate stupid people...yeah I mean people aren't really that bad, just the stupid ones, and granted it's the stupid ones the make for most of the population anyways, I'm just letting you know....

So yeah, look at that..three days in a row posting...damn I rock, so I might get back into this a little bit, though the recorder has, and will have, a large impact on my random thoughts, so you probably won't see that much....unless I want you to....

3.14.04

Well it's Pi day, good ol March 14th...i guess it'll rock a little but more in the year 2015

Good Music...
And going off for no reason...

I am really enjoying my winamp setup, it has music, lots of music and my disposal, just a click away, just a shot away. I tell you, I find it very ironic how winamp can play songs to fit your mood, knows when to play the right song(s) at the right time...I suppose it is only encouraging my rage, feeding it, but in some subtle way it is a soothing feeling, knowing I can listen to the song, yell out the lyrics and feel better in the end, the feelings will probably go away and we'll step back into line like nothing happened..it's how it always goes...

it's life and life only..

And like I just said, the music is good and bad..it's got me feeling good on the inside, somewhere, yet on the outside, well that's a different story...if I snapped at anyone in the past 24 hours, I'm sorry....I didn't mean it....yeah I was really short with a handful of you, I think things from this week finally got to me.."it's ok..I found it and the latter" well that was today rather....

And you know..I know now why I wasn't online for so long..it's stupid shit like that, I don't need any of that..or this...and I gave it the excuse that I was busy...which is partly true, but I'm sure I could have gotten on if I tried....whatever...I'll be off again....let the cycles take their toll, I'm not going against the current, I'm stepping off for the time being, once you make your trip round, I'll in the same spot waiting..

so that's all for now, a slight rant of what will come on my recorder..yeah I love that little guy..so til later, keep listening to your music, running for the money and the flesh, and we'll all be good....

Well Well....

So I haven't updated in awhile, so blow me....you think I give a fuck now..whoa, sorry..angry ranting tangent of being awakened today..anyways.....Let's get some things out from the past week(s)....

As you can see I haven't been posting..anywhere...not in any of my 12 journals...except for one medium, the damn tape recorder. Shit dude, I've been using that thing like no tomorrow, and it's great, I carry it around with me all the time, just in case I have a little tidbit I need to say and want to remember for later...my life is now officially being digitally archived...I've already got like 10 folders and sub-folders on my computer with a bunch of files...it's great...

And so with the tape recorder I don't feel the need to come on here and type everything away...plus that and the fact I've been working like crazy..but that's a different story.....

last week, well this one technically...anyways, yeah this week was terrible, if anyone say some of my away messages you would agree. I did some ranting into my tape recorder about things, but most if it was better left unsaid, I'm sure of it. Just a lot of shit went down, well, not necessarily a lot, just shit went down that was on a large scale, means nothing to most, but damn, it meant something to me, and of course I was destroyed, I was in tatters, I was shattered..yeah yeah....

god I know why again I stopped typing, another reason, I suck at typing..and my hand hurts..like vince's cyst in the wrist, I have one on the side of my hand..well maybe not, but still...

and I could make this one of those "I hate people" sort of posts..and well..maybe I'll get out a quick little piss...fucking people...piss me off...yeah well they all know who they are..ok that makes me feel a little better, I don't really curse that many people, any new people, just the same ol same ol, so what can ya do...ok you know what..if I don't get my hands on my tape recorder and let these thoughts fester any longer..you'll see a nasty post, why do I do it you ask..ehh, who knows who cares...ya'll be lucky because I doubt I'll have time to post...

anyways..so this was an update, for anyone who sill accidentally clicks on a link from somewhere and it brings you here....maybe I'll go through all my shit and make some updates....til then

So What's the Deal With Instant Messaging...

Alright..why do I get online..I mean, not just to post random thoughts occasionally..why do I stay online...

let me tell you the media applications I run on a daily basis...AOL Instant messenger, more than likely it has been cloned over by DeadAim or AIM+, preferably the latter...Yahoo Instant Messenger, MSN Messenger, ICQ..running several screennames of AIM on Trillion, and would probably have Mirc going as well, if I could get in configured again....

I got Trillion as soon as it came out, told everyone about it...it was amazing..I also got the Devil Messenger, for those handfuls who know what I am talking about..I reinstalled ICQ to be cool and found out you can IM people on AOL, how badass...

Now I run multiple names of AIM because my Blue35tuesday buddy list is full, and I get quite aggravated when I have to add new people...because I have to delete others..doesn't matter if I don't talk to them, it's the principle..so I have many many people through different mediums I can talk to..but wait...

I went through this conversation with someone last week..they were reading off all the different people that were online and those that got online...and for each response I swear I said either, "don't know 'em" or "[I] don't talk to them"...out of almost 400 names, there aren't any I really talk to on a regular basis....

sure there are people who will randomly message me when they are feeling bored....and sure I'll message someone when I need them for something, but other than that, I don't talk to people...they are usually the conversation starters....and for what do I do this? beats me.....I can think of one reason why I get online...but conversation with that person usually goes awry..or they are gone with an away message..

so yeah, me getting online and staying online is pointless really...this great "communication tool" just doesn't do it for me I guess....I have my phone..you can text message me on that I suppose...so I guess I'll stop signing onto my messangers, does me no good..eh, anyone who's anyone knows how to contact me...so that'll work..Signing off, this is Jason..goodnight

Suppressed Anger....

Isn't it funny how the mind came store certain instances, certain memories and retain them, out of thousands of occurrences, it picks certain ones....Isn't it funny which scene my mind decided to pick when remembering you...hell, I don't even need to think of you really, it just kinda comes at random..That one instance..I think it was the second time we met..you gave me a slight hand gestured acknowledgement of condensation knowing something I didn't..you little prick..If I think back hard enough I can remember the first time we met, that handshake..I knew you weren't for any good, from one ass to another..We can sense these things, I knew you had no morals, if this were some old country and I had a position in the Mafia, you would have been executed for playing to close to home....And the third instance I can remember off the top of the shit is a walk-by....you didn't see me, but I saw you....you know I should have kicked your little prick ass when I had the chance..and given you the beating that belonged to that harlot as well....you deserved it..And now my mind haunts me with imagery of a time when the long knives were thrusted out the front...It's funny how the mind came remember certain things and replay them for you..whenever you want, whenever it wants to..slapping the tied-up man in the face..I suppose traumatic events are retained by the brain, it makes a scar, it will always be there whereas other memories just make impressions..The deeper the cut, the more likely it is to cause a scar..Now of course there's short term and long term..there's a line of grey area, but isn't that bad....what am I rambling about....honestly, I need to go back to bed, fuck these dreams....

The More You Change, The More You Stay The Same....

...what...no, that was it..that's my post....seriously....just the title...i have a couple examples, recent at that, but the title will do me....i'm done now....

(A)Waking Thoughts

I'm tired..really tired, and well there's not much to do about it....

Work is crazy....i think i like it at times...but then again, i'm probably only saying that because i'm doing that..who knows what i really like and dislike..it's killer, but's that's the job..

RR reminds me of highschool...more to come on that....

I don't know if i can take much more of things....at least i don't have time to think about anything while at RR....

And the funny thing is, i'm not going to be online as much..taking time off from that as well, i'll be gone, on the raod, thinking things over, whatever you want to call it..some say it's runing from the problems, i say to hell with what they say..it's time off, time away..i don't even know what i am saying...

We're all crazy on a ship of fools...

And what's sad is i know how few people actually read this..and when they do, it will be a lengthy time frame before it is read..so by then, things wil be back to normal, right?

just like aim..but we won't go into that...not yet, i'll save that for it's own little ranting post....

Oh, yeah, and the deal was sealed i suppose..but not in any good way like vince would reference, plan or idea or thoght or thing i was putting money on, like towards a bet...well it bounce, and not towards my favor..i'll be paying up shortly

and with that i got all but one Oscar prediction right...only because i don't like that renee zelwiger chick...though maybe i should get props just because i said she was going to win..but didn't want to pick her for reasons said above...so i "virtually" got them all right....and then that ties back into the previous comment...

it was nice out today, rather, it was a beautiful day..but i wouln't have noticed, it rained as i left for work and drove home...and there was a point i couldn't see the road thew rain was coming down so hard..the wipers were working their butts off, but still nothing..i kept driving obviously.....

i had to jump a co-workers car, she left her lights on....but my car wouldn't jump it...i was getting any sparks, someting to do with my red connector..and then she asks where my battery is...under my backseat...yeah, now all you know...if you ever sat back there, you're sitting on the battery..i'll show you....anyways i had to borrow alycia's car because she pulled in next to me as i was trying to jump the other car.. so i just borrowed her keys and i got it to jump finally...my good dead for the month...

and i do try too hard..sitting down eating after work, i made the comment to the person sitting across from me, just to see what their response was..."i try too hard"..."yeah, i can see that..." that made me fully realize i try too hard in most aspects of life...i don't know why, but i do...sorry....

i've got nothing going for me....nothing left to say..i'm waking up right now...the thoughts are more complete now, not as fun...

And yeah, I'm tired, maybe not sick and tired, not yet, no sickness which is good i think...but tired....tried and tired....tired and tried...isn't that how it goes???

Anyways, I'm leaving....