i wake up again, freezing, afraid to pull the covers over to me but as i start to tug they easily hop over..i look at my phone, it's 831, i look to my left, nobody there..wait...then why weren't the covers thrown on me..i'm angered..it's either a goodbye or covers...i got neither, jerks....
back to sleep..awake again at 10..back to sleep...awake at noon..that's more like it..
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Moving Day
Today I grew up a little....
i think...
"I'm drunk and i'm horny and i don't want you.."
i think...
It was around 1pm before we all woke up..it seems as if one person wakes up, everyone else will follow suit. We walk over to the office to find our little leasing consultant lady - we were really going through with this..correction, I was really going through with this. I signed my life way away, signed the next bit of my time away, I sealed my fate - for reasons I will never understand...
With the final signatures our keys were handed to us and we were on our way..today was the moving day, granted it didn’t start til 2, we had a mission we hoped to complete - take one apartment and move it three doors down.
Of course this sounds a lot easier in our heads than when we actually go forth with it...for the next..long time, we grab items from one place and walk them over to the new place - had you been a neighbor or passer-by it would have made no sense...around 5 I take a break and go back to my place...i want to move some of my stuff for a change. On the way back to my place I try to think of how I am gonna break the news to the Land Lady..i arrive at my place and she’s downstairs - cool..i was hoping to make this less obvious..so I gather my stuff, trying to box and bag up as much as possible, getting it ready to run out the door with when she finally heads up the stairs...we communicate via email, so I was just thinking I’d send her one telling her my situation..
I get a call as I am packing, from an old friend - Barbie girl - name given because it’s been her ring back tone as far as i can remember..we talk and that it my out..i start to make the trips to my car and load it up...those fucking cats are back...there are four cats on the sidewalk every time I open the door to get out of the house...they all come running up, thinking I’m the cat lady going to feed them...i kick and shoo them away..i fucking hate the strays..i’m glad I’m moving
While in my room on the phone I am approached from the doorway by the Cat Lady, she’s holding a sign that reads, “are you moving” I can’t ignore it, but I blow it off with a quick response of yeah, well, I’ve got a lot going on, I’m putting stuff into storage, some of these things are a waste of spaces, I’m just getting my shit in order..she asks me when do I think I’ll be gone..i respond with my lease is over on the fifth, so til then..she panics and runs off...one week notice on a month to month lease is pretty good notice, and hell, a week from me is a great notice...
She returns again this time not caring that I am in conversation on the phone and starts asking me questions, I hate confrontation and I hate getting interrupted..i hate stupid questions, I hate being put on the spot...i return answers to her being short and sharp...if she pushes it, I may just go off on her, telling her everything I have ever wanted to say...about how I hate those fucking cats, hate the fact she feeds them to give her a feeling of self worth and neediness, how her cooking smells horrible, how she constantly overloads the fridge and freezer making all my food go bad, how it makes her food go bad, how there’s no air flow in there what-so-ever and it’s just causing the machine to break faster...i’ve got more, but she has left my sight, and I remember I am on the phone...back to packing...
I finally leave and head for the apartment. On my way back I reflect and think about how this parallels my time spent in btown..actually it’s all too similar...i lived in btown for two years, almost, I changed where I lived after the first ten months - right after a girl broke up with me, went from a house to an apartment, just down the road, and then I left btown for CP...so at this rate, come this time next year I won’t be here...scary.
I’m back at the apartment throwing things into my room, trying to get things together, make it seem like I actually live somewhere...Phil’s gf comes over, putting the potential for dinner on a halt, so Gary, his soon to be gf and ex gf, and I leave to get stuff for our shared bathroom..
We return after 9 and dinner is just now being prepared, thank the lord, I’m starving...people start coming over, we have shit everywhere and are barely moved in and people are showing up...one of which was hilary. Dinner is served and is delicious..actually I’d eat anything at this point..i do the dishes - as I was not the one who made the dinner, so it’s only fair right? Later phil’s gf and I make blueberry muffins for some reason and hilary pops the champagne she bought us as a moving in present - not vueve, but it’s still good.
Later in the night hilary and I start to wrestle, I think it was something about her about to smoke, and I said no..who knows...the only thing I know to be true is this bitch means business when she’s fighting...i could never play this rough with any of my girlfriends in the past, and with guys it gets a lot dirtier, so there’s a fine line...i play to where I have control, but there’s so many double standards..like she cant bite chunks out of my skin, but I can’t because her bf would kill her...i get her in a choke hold, but I don’t apply enough pressure to choke her, just contain her..she gags saying she can’t breath so I left go, and she attacks...she flips me over her back, she bends my fingers greater than a 90 degree angle telling me she’s gonna break my fingers...and then, the crucial par of the night is when she got me good...somehow I got thrown into the corner of the kitchen, she smartly pinned her back to me using her legs on the other walls for leverage...i can hear the cabinets cracking, that’s how hard she’s pushing me into the wall and cabinet..
i congratulate her on the great move, but then I start to panic...i hate being closed in, I’m claustrophobic, so now I think I can’t breath...i panic, my heart races, my breathing increases..i say something to the effect that I wanted out..she wanted me to tell her she won...never...i finally gain control over myself, I pause, and then squirm my way out with all my might and pin her to the ground - fuck yeah!
Afterwards I’m in complete pain...i’m bleeding, and I just drink more so the pain will go away and not be as intense, brilliant idea...things settle down and Gary and his girl go into his room to watch a movie, hilary and phil have a conversation, and i'm left to myself...i was actually apart of the conversation with hilary and phil, but couldn't get a word in edge wise so i just gave up, i hate when people do that..so i walked from room to room, texted, make phone calls, anything to keep myself occupied...
the time spent doing all these things seems to be a lengthy time..who knows how long they actually lasted...cpydi grows weary with the conversation and says she's heading to bed, that's about the time hilary has her on the phone..about the time gary's girl is leaving and everyone else is going to bed...
i follow the lead and start to make a nest on the floor with my blankets and pillows...hilary comes back into my room not wanting to go to sleep just yet...i have nothing left to offer, she's been following phil around like a puppy, i just want to lay down, and now that everyone has gone to bed, the noise has stopped, so can i..
i curl up and hilary comes and sits down next to me, saying she won't stay for much longer...i know where this is going...i ask her what time she had class in the morning, to which i set my alarm for accurately..it's funny how many times that situation will play out and how much of a robotic drone my response is..yet, it does feel good to have someone stay the night with you.
With the final signatures our keys were handed to us and we were on our way..today was the moving day, granted it didn’t start til 2, we had a mission we hoped to complete - take one apartment and move it three doors down.
Of course this sounds a lot easier in our heads than when we actually go forth with it...for the next..long time, we grab items from one place and walk them over to the new place - had you been a neighbor or passer-by it would have made no sense...around 5 I take a break and go back to my place...i want to move some of my stuff for a change. On the way back to my place I try to think of how I am gonna break the news to the Land Lady..i arrive at my place and she’s downstairs - cool..i was hoping to make this less obvious..so I gather my stuff, trying to box and bag up as much as possible, getting it ready to run out the door with when she finally heads up the stairs...we communicate via email, so I was just thinking I’d send her one telling her my situation..
I get a call as I am packing, from an old friend - Barbie girl - name given because it’s been her ring back tone as far as i can remember..we talk and that it my out..i start to make the trips to my car and load it up...those fucking cats are back...there are four cats on the sidewalk every time I open the door to get out of the house...they all come running up, thinking I’m the cat lady going to feed them...i kick and shoo them away..i fucking hate the strays..i’m glad I’m moving
While in my room on the phone I am approached from the doorway by the Cat Lady, she’s holding a sign that reads, “are you moving” I can’t ignore it, but I blow it off with a quick response of yeah, well, I’ve got a lot going on, I’m putting stuff into storage, some of these things are a waste of spaces, I’m just getting my shit in order..she asks me when do I think I’ll be gone..i respond with my lease is over on the fifth, so til then..she panics and runs off...one week notice on a month to month lease is pretty good notice, and hell, a week from me is a great notice...
She returns again this time not caring that I am in conversation on the phone and starts asking me questions, I hate confrontation and I hate getting interrupted..i hate stupid questions, I hate being put on the spot...i return answers to her being short and sharp...if she pushes it, I may just go off on her, telling her everything I have ever wanted to say...about how I hate those fucking cats, hate the fact she feeds them to give her a feeling of self worth and neediness, how her cooking smells horrible, how she constantly overloads the fridge and freezer making all my food go bad, how it makes her food go bad, how there’s no air flow in there what-so-ever and it’s just causing the machine to break faster...i’ve got more, but she has left my sight, and I remember I am on the phone...back to packing...
I finally leave and head for the apartment. On my way back I reflect and think about how this parallels my time spent in btown..actually it’s all too similar...i lived in btown for two years, almost, I changed where I lived after the first ten months - right after a girl broke up with me, went from a house to an apartment, just down the road, and then I left btown for CP...so at this rate, come this time next year I won’t be here...scary.
I’m back at the apartment throwing things into my room, trying to get things together, make it seem like I actually live somewhere...Phil’s gf comes over, putting the potential for dinner on a halt, so Gary, his soon to be gf and ex gf, and I leave to get stuff for our shared bathroom..
We return after 9 and dinner is just now being prepared, thank the lord, I’m starving...people start coming over, we have shit everywhere and are barely moved in and people are showing up...one of which was hilary. Dinner is served and is delicious..actually I’d eat anything at this point..i do the dishes - as I was not the one who made the dinner, so it’s only fair right? Later phil’s gf and I make blueberry muffins for some reason and hilary pops the champagne she bought us as a moving in present - not vueve, but it’s still good.
Later in the night hilary and I start to wrestle, I think it was something about her about to smoke, and I said no..who knows...the only thing I know to be true is this bitch means business when she’s fighting...i could never play this rough with any of my girlfriends in the past, and with guys it gets a lot dirtier, so there’s a fine line...i play to where I have control, but there’s so many double standards..like she cant bite chunks out of my skin, but I can’t because her bf would kill her...i get her in a choke hold, but I don’t apply enough pressure to choke her, just contain her..she gags saying she can’t breath so I left go, and she attacks...she flips me over her back, she bends my fingers greater than a 90 degree angle telling me she’s gonna break my fingers...and then, the crucial par of the night is when she got me good...somehow I got thrown into the corner of the kitchen, she smartly pinned her back to me using her legs on the other walls for leverage...i can hear the cabinets cracking, that’s how hard she’s pushing me into the wall and cabinet..
i congratulate her on the great move, but then I start to panic...i hate being closed in, I’m claustrophobic, so now I think I can’t breath...i panic, my heart races, my breathing increases..i say something to the effect that I wanted out..she wanted me to tell her she won...never...i finally gain control over myself, I pause, and then squirm my way out with all my might and pin her to the ground - fuck yeah!
Afterwards I’m in complete pain...i’m bleeding, and I just drink more so the pain will go away and not be as intense, brilliant idea...things settle down and Gary and his girl go into his room to watch a movie, hilary and phil have a conversation, and i'm left to myself...i was actually apart of the conversation with hilary and phil, but couldn't get a word in edge wise so i just gave up, i hate when people do that..so i walked from room to room, texted, make phone calls, anything to keep myself occupied...
the time spent doing all these things seems to be a lengthy time..who knows how long they actually lasted...cpydi grows weary with the conversation and says she's heading to bed, that's about the time hilary has her on the phone..about the time gary's girl is leaving and everyone else is going to bed...
i follow the lead and start to make a nest on the floor with my blankets and pillows...hilary comes back into my room not wanting to go to sleep just yet...i have nothing left to offer, she's been following phil around like a puppy, i just want to lay down, and now that everyone has gone to bed, the noise has stopped, so can i..
i curl up and hilary comes and sits down next to me, saying she won't stay for much longer...i know where this is going...i ask her what time she had class in the morning, to which i set my alarm for accurately..it's funny how many times that situation will play out and how much of a robotic drone my response is..yet, it does feel good to have someone stay the night with you.
"I'm drunk and i'm horny and i don't want you.."
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Life Foreshadowing
i give the best advice..
just not to myself...
"you're the salt to my pepper ~ G-rape ~ eeeright"
just not to myself...
i wrote this letter almost two years ago to this date...i find it odd i can help people see in their box, but when it comes to my own world, ef all that...but i suppose it's something cosmical that allowed for me to dig this up and read it...maybe it's what i needed, just like a letter from 1885...
"Warning the following is a one-time rant, meaning the user wrote with the flow of his or her fingers not stopping or taking the time to re-read or re-think anything in this letter. Read as swiftly as the author would have spoke, but still gathering the ideas that were attempted to be conveyed, thank you and enjoy.
Dearest dsjfsdnf,
I am uncertain of how to go about this, but I’ll figure out something, so I’ll go with my two favorite words, let’s do this…(god that’s an inside joke that never gets old…)
So let me just say wow, wow to the direction our friendship has gone in the past week or so. Wow to the fact that it went from “I miss you” and text messages every three minutes to not talking to me for over three days at a time. Now I understand how one could be busy, I mean afterall you are in school and have things going on in your life (you’re not the one milking it in Sandusky..), but still, to drop off the way you have in the past conversations, and then to not respond to any of my texts or calls over a period of time, ones where I was merely checking in on you to see how things were – I’ve got to wonder whether or not there was something I did wrong. Looking back I really don’t see what I could’ve done wrong to deserve the actions I have been receiving, so if you have anything to enlighten me, please go for it. And I’ll just add for the record I was last to try and make contact. How did it go from you collecting pepper shakers to complete me to nothing in a blink of an eye?
This entire rant is coming at you with no hope or agenda for anything at all; it’s merely a rant, one that you take some credence in - just advice and not telling you how to live your life. The problem you seem to have with your boyfriend is common amoung relationships. You tell me that your boyfriend can be nice, and that he can be mean, and it’s somehow always your fault. What you have is a false sense of comfort and security. If it’s one thing I hate, it’s when people are afraid to do anything about their situation because they feel comfortable in it; and this coming from the guy who’s a Republican and hates all forms of change. You have good times, you have bad times, that’s not the problem I have, rather it’s the ratio of good vs bad. No relationship is perfect, of course you are going to have the bad times with the good times – it’s the bad which allows us to appreciate the good, because without the bitter baby, the sweet just ain’t as sweet. But it’s those good times, those nice times that should really be outstanding, hands down the first thing you think of when you think about your boyfriend, not this mixed emotion “he can be so mean and other times so extremely nice”. It’s the good times that should absolutely outweigh the bad times, not a close call, not a 50-50, 60-40, or even 70-30 ratio…but rather something more distinguishable…the bad won’t ever disappear but we can’t have it as the first or second thoughts when we think about a relationship.
And back to the comfort issue…you’ve been in this relationship for a year now, and you were in another two year relationship before this one so it seems as is you are just accustomed to having someone always there with you, not necessarily a bad thing, unless you are staying with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. If there is anything you should have learned from our little weekend together it’s that there is a world of opportunity out there. You shouldn’t be afraid to change the scenery, to drop the dead weight for fear you won’t find someone else. You are very attractive, you are a smart girl, you are funny, and overall amazing to be around – and I feel so lucky just having the opportunity to have spent the time we had together.
If I were to offer advice on the situation I would say you both should take a break from each other (I’ll just point this out, I am in now way, shape, or form ever endorse “taking a break” normally…I do not believe in such things, just as I do not support pills for people with depression and other mental illnesses – I believe people break up for a reason and recycling is not good, though everyone does deserve a second chance for the first time could have been an anomaly…boy that’s a fine line to try and stand on and another rant on it’s own..anyways…) I think I suggest the break mostly because I really don’t know the entire situation or the other party on hand, but it could be something good. Take a break away from each other, have the time to think about the relationship – where it’s going, issues that need to be addressed and so forth. If anything you two will get back together after missing it each other because they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, things will be changed for the better for, oh, about two weeks, and will probably fall back into that slump where it is now, and we’ll be right back at square one..that’s what I predict only because people really don’t know how to correctly handle breaks like this (and there’s my feelings on “breaks”), but who knows, it may actually strengthen your relationship. (Odd story, my friend TJ actually had a future date set up to talk about taking a break with his girlfriend earlier this year – when the date came they agreed they would either take a break for several months and get back together after talking everything out, or it would just end of everything…)
But back to you…from the way you were talking and acting last week it seemed as if you were not happy with your relationship with your boyfriend – when you broke up you weren’t affected by it all, not happy nor sad, you were just like, “oh well.” I mean maybe you were suppressing your feelings or whatever, probably a little bit of mixed emotions and uncertainty filled you up. It upsets me when I hear you say things about how much your life sucks, or how you hate yourself, and this and that…you know very well you are better than that and anyone that tells you differently or makes you feel differently than that should take a hike. Honestly, you are turning 21 in a few days, you are so young and have so many possibilities open for you…sure school sucks, but you have to trudge through it. It may not make you happy right now, but it’s something you got to do, the ends will justify the means, trust me. Life is going to throw little obstacles in your way to make you open your eyes and look at things from a different perspective, it’s not to harm you or be anything you can’t handle, but you’ll learn and grow from it. Later in life you’ll look back to these times and be like, “really, I was upset over that, look how much I overcame since then..” god I sound like some fucking motivational speaker and that needs to stop cold.
But really, you are an incredible person from what I’ve gotten to know in the short amount of time that I have had. You have your whole life ahead of you, go out there and fucking live it, because if you hesitate now, you’ll regret it later…you’re too young to settle down, and do not need the stress of a relationship of bogging you down – you’ve got enough to deal with what with school and all, and you really deserve someone who will be supportive at all times and not make you feel like crap…and I think you realize that.
Now to me…I really don’t know what to say that I haven’t already told you…yes I like you, that’s obvious and has been since you trained me. That one Sunday night when you wanted me to tell you how I felt, like I said in one of the voicemails I left you…I just felt it wasn’t appropriate to address matters like that via a text. I was more than willing to call you and tell you how much fun I was having with you over the phone, voice to voice rather than try to text it all out while cleaning the restaurant. I did not, and still do not know what you meant when you said “don’t worry I understand, I get it” after I told you I’d call you as soon as I got out…I wasn’t putting you on the backburner or letting you down, I just, I don’t get it…It doesn’t make much of a difference now, and like I said this comes with no hope or agenda, but I’ll just say it to get it out of the way.
Yes, I like you, i really did like you. I would have loved to hang out with you more during the summer at Cedar Point to have gotten to know you better, but that didn’t happen (you were friends with jsdfds who I wasn’t much of a fan of at the time…) I was willing to give this all a shot…I wanted to come visit you in, well wherever you were. I wanted to throw aside any rationalized thinking, what about distance or anything, and give it all a chance, I wanted to take a chance on you, you are a gamble that I’d go all in on. I didn’t/don’t care about the consequences, what if it didn’t work out, what if it did then what, we would have burned those bridges as we came to them – all that really mattered was that we were presented with an opportunity and we took the risk: to say we did rather than did not, to know rather than sitting around wondering what if…I know some may say that’s living haphazardly, but that’s just living without fear, and a lot of times in life you should ask yourself, “what would I do if I were not afraid?” Everything seemed to be clicking in our situation and so I wanted to press it further…that’s how I feel, and that’s not how it turned out.
You asked me why I didn’t do anything with you, why we didn’t have sex – well, I suppose that’s one area I didn’t want to rush into. I cared about you a lot, and I felt we didn’t need the focus to be on that…don’t get me wrong I would have loved to have done anything with you, like I kept saying that one night, I really enjoyed how intimate we were just laying there…the time would have eventually came and we would have had sex but I wanted to show you I was more than that (like the conversation in the car…I may talk a lot about sex but honestly it’s not a focal point of mine), and to show you that we were more than just a physical lust…I’ve never been one to be in a “honeymooner phase” but rather just the real living phase. It was never anything against you, don’t think there was anything wrong with you, believe me, I’d take you in a heartbeat.
I know this has to be long, I’ve been at the computer for quite some time and have gone through a lot of cups of coffee…I will be working all weekend for it is Hallow-fricking-weekends, and I’ll just be wanting it all to end..but the point I am getting at is I will not be back online until the earliest Monday, so if you were to write a response, whatever it may be, I would not be able to look at it for a couple days…but you have my number if you want to talk, about anything. Like I said, no agenda, I’m not trying to complicate matters or steal you away from your boyfriend, I just want you to better yourself. I still do value our friendship, and I hope to hear from you soon…"
Truly yours,
Jangus
Dearest dsjfsdnf,
I am uncertain of how to go about this, but I’ll figure out something, so I’ll go with my two favorite words, let’s do this…(god that’s an inside joke that never gets old…)
So let me just say wow, wow to the direction our friendship has gone in the past week or so. Wow to the fact that it went from “I miss you” and text messages every three minutes to not talking to me for over three days at a time. Now I understand how one could be busy, I mean afterall you are in school and have things going on in your life (you’re not the one milking it in Sandusky..), but still, to drop off the way you have in the past conversations, and then to not respond to any of my texts or calls over a period of time, ones where I was merely checking in on you to see how things were – I’ve got to wonder whether or not there was something I did wrong. Looking back I really don’t see what I could’ve done wrong to deserve the actions I have been receiving, so if you have anything to enlighten me, please go for it. And I’ll just add for the record I was last to try and make contact. How did it go from you collecting pepper shakers to complete me to nothing in a blink of an eye?
This entire rant is coming at you with no hope or agenda for anything at all; it’s merely a rant, one that you take some credence in - just advice and not telling you how to live your life. The problem you seem to have with your boyfriend is common amoung relationships. You tell me that your boyfriend can be nice, and that he can be mean, and it’s somehow always your fault. What you have is a false sense of comfort and security. If it’s one thing I hate, it’s when people are afraid to do anything about their situation because they feel comfortable in it; and this coming from the guy who’s a Republican and hates all forms of change. You have good times, you have bad times, that’s not the problem I have, rather it’s the ratio of good vs bad. No relationship is perfect, of course you are going to have the bad times with the good times – it’s the bad which allows us to appreciate the good, because without the bitter baby, the sweet just ain’t as sweet. But it’s those good times, those nice times that should really be outstanding, hands down the first thing you think of when you think about your boyfriend, not this mixed emotion “he can be so mean and other times so extremely nice”. It’s the good times that should absolutely outweigh the bad times, not a close call, not a 50-50, 60-40, or even 70-30 ratio…but rather something more distinguishable…the bad won’t ever disappear but we can’t have it as the first or second thoughts when we think about a relationship.
And back to the comfort issue…you’ve been in this relationship for a year now, and you were in another two year relationship before this one so it seems as is you are just accustomed to having someone always there with you, not necessarily a bad thing, unless you are staying with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. If there is anything you should have learned from our little weekend together it’s that there is a world of opportunity out there. You shouldn’t be afraid to change the scenery, to drop the dead weight for fear you won’t find someone else. You are very attractive, you are a smart girl, you are funny, and overall amazing to be around – and I feel so lucky just having the opportunity to have spent the time we had together.
If I were to offer advice on the situation I would say you both should take a break from each other (I’ll just point this out, I am in now way, shape, or form ever endorse “taking a break” normally…I do not believe in such things, just as I do not support pills for people with depression and other mental illnesses – I believe people break up for a reason and recycling is not good, though everyone does deserve a second chance for the first time could have been an anomaly…boy that’s a fine line to try and stand on and another rant on it’s own..anyways…) I think I suggest the break mostly because I really don’t know the entire situation or the other party on hand, but it could be something good. Take a break away from each other, have the time to think about the relationship – where it’s going, issues that need to be addressed and so forth. If anything you two will get back together after missing it each other because they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, things will be changed for the better for, oh, about two weeks, and will probably fall back into that slump where it is now, and we’ll be right back at square one..that’s what I predict only because people really don’t know how to correctly handle breaks like this (and there’s my feelings on “breaks”), but who knows, it may actually strengthen your relationship. (Odd story, my friend TJ actually had a future date set up to talk about taking a break with his girlfriend earlier this year – when the date came they agreed they would either take a break for several months and get back together after talking everything out, or it would just end of everything…)
But back to you…from the way you were talking and acting last week it seemed as if you were not happy with your relationship with your boyfriend – when you broke up you weren’t affected by it all, not happy nor sad, you were just like, “oh well.” I mean maybe you were suppressing your feelings or whatever, probably a little bit of mixed emotions and uncertainty filled you up. It upsets me when I hear you say things about how much your life sucks, or how you hate yourself, and this and that…you know very well you are better than that and anyone that tells you differently or makes you feel differently than that should take a hike. Honestly, you are turning 21 in a few days, you are so young and have so many possibilities open for you…sure school sucks, but you have to trudge through it. It may not make you happy right now, but it’s something you got to do, the ends will justify the means, trust me. Life is going to throw little obstacles in your way to make you open your eyes and look at things from a different perspective, it’s not to harm you or be anything you can’t handle, but you’ll learn and grow from it. Later in life you’ll look back to these times and be like, “really, I was upset over that, look how much I overcame since then..” god I sound like some fucking motivational speaker and that needs to stop cold.
But really, you are an incredible person from what I’ve gotten to know in the short amount of time that I have had. You have your whole life ahead of you, go out there and fucking live it, because if you hesitate now, you’ll regret it later…you’re too young to settle down, and do not need the stress of a relationship of bogging you down – you’ve got enough to deal with what with school and all, and you really deserve someone who will be supportive at all times and not make you feel like crap…and I think you realize that.
Now to me…I really don’t know what to say that I haven’t already told you…yes I like you, that’s obvious and has been since you trained me. That one Sunday night when you wanted me to tell you how I felt, like I said in one of the voicemails I left you…I just felt it wasn’t appropriate to address matters like that via a text. I was more than willing to call you and tell you how much fun I was having with you over the phone, voice to voice rather than try to text it all out while cleaning the restaurant. I did not, and still do not know what you meant when you said “don’t worry I understand, I get it” after I told you I’d call you as soon as I got out…I wasn’t putting you on the backburner or letting you down, I just, I don’t get it…It doesn’t make much of a difference now, and like I said this comes with no hope or agenda, but I’ll just say it to get it out of the way.
Yes, I like you, i really did like you. I would have loved to hang out with you more during the summer at Cedar Point to have gotten to know you better, but that didn’t happen (you were friends with jsdfds who I wasn’t much of a fan of at the time…) I was willing to give this all a shot…I wanted to come visit you in, well wherever you were. I wanted to throw aside any rationalized thinking, what about distance or anything, and give it all a chance, I wanted to take a chance on you, you are a gamble that I’d go all in on. I didn’t/don’t care about the consequences, what if it didn’t work out, what if it did then what, we would have burned those bridges as we came to them – all that really mattered was that we were presented with an opportunity and we took the risk: to say we did rather than did not, to know rather than sitting around wondering what if…I know some may say that’s living haphazardly, but that’s just living without fear, and a lot of times in life you should ask yourself, “what would I do if I were not afraid?” Everything seemed to be clicking in our situation and so I wanted to press it further…that’s how I feel, and that’s not how it turned out.
You asked me why I didn’t do anything with you, why we didn’t have sex – well, I suppose that’s one area I didn’t want to rush into. I cared about you a lot, and I felt we didn’t need the focus to be on that…don’t get me wrong I would have loved to have done anything with you, like I kept saying that one night, I really enjoyed how intimate we were just laying there…the time would have eventually came and we would have had sex but I wanted to show you I was more than that (like the conversation in the car…I may talk a lot about sex but honestly it’s not a focal point of mine), and to show you that we were more than just a physical lust…I’ve never been one to be in a “honeymooner phase” but rather just the real living phase. It was never anything against you, don’t think there was anything wrong with you, believe me, I’d take you in a heartbeat.
I know this has to be long, I’ve been at the computer for quite some time and have gone through a lot of cups of coffee…I will be working all weekend for it is Hallow-fricking-weekends, and I’ll just be wanting it all to end..but the point I am getting at is I will not be back online until the earliest Monday, so if you were to write a response, whatever it may be, I would not be able to look at it for a couple days…but you have my number if you want to talk, about anything. Like I said, no agenda, I’m not trying to complicate matters or steal you away from your boyfriend, I just want you to better yourself. I still do value our friendship, and I hope to hear from you soon…"
Truly yours,
Jangus
"you're the salt to my pepper ~ G-rape ~ eeeright"
Monday, October 27, 2008
Hotsprings Place
the beginning..
of the end...
of the end...
last night I didn’t go out to any birthday parties, didn’t drink, didn’t go over to the apartment..just stayed home because I had this horrible shift to work today...breakfast....6am....6am, the only other time I recall ever having to wake up before 6am to do something was going fishing with my grandpa...as much as I didn’t like it, it wasn’t anything in comparison to how it feels now...
Monday’s shift was an absolute crap shoot...the breakfast host called off saying he had a fever, so who do they ask to fill in the shoes...the only person crossed trained with enough experience to do half the positions in the restaurant...i guess they were anticipating a dull day because they would never take breakfast down to just one server. Shocked and amazed I started hosting at 630...guess I lucked out on that silverware from last night...
I hosted breakfast lunch...the day indeed was crap, I was released from my duties at noon thirty and head home...what a bust..although I did make ten dollars on a giftcard sale...not too shabby in my mind....
I get changed and settled in, I need to get over to the apartment shortly, we have plans, we are to view the three bedroom apartments...we arrive at the leasing office and they only have one bottom level three bedroom available...but have several top levels available..if going off of what I learned this past week from the place is to be true, that the walls are paper thin, I can only imagine the floors being the same way...top level means no DDR..and I cant deal with that...we humor the lady and she shows us the top three bedroom first..sure it may have a nicer view...can you even think about moving furniture up the stairs...funk that noise...the lower level apartment is actually three doors down from where Gary and Phil currently live...it’s apart of the same building, just on the other side..funny.
It was decided then that we would get that place..and I don’t know what I just did
the next day while Phil and I are at work we keep checking our phones to see if everything went through, if it was a go..we were told we would receive a call no later than 1pm if things were a go or not..we get no call....so after work I run over to see what is going on...who’s credit is fucked up worse than mine...turns out our leasing lady called in today, but everything is a go, come in tomorrow to sign the lease...wow...it is really happening...
later that night one of Gary’s exes comes over to go out to dinner...through miscommunication, error in plans, Gary playing Halo, me on the phone...we don’t head out to dinner til 930...as we all get in the car I am agitated because I was hungry at 7 and now nothing will be open by the time we get there..well, they will be open, but we’ll be those assholes walking in the door at 950 saying, “are you still open” after we take a look at the sign with their posted hours stating they are open til 10...fuck that, I’ll get fourth meal...well, lucky for us there is a restaurant right next to the apartment we have been wanting to try..so instead of 10 minutes til close, we give them 30...god karma is gonna fuck me...
we order margaritas and I get whatever the server likes - which turned out to be amazing, trust your wait staff...about the time the food arrives I order another pitcher of margaritas - it feels like old Monday nights, but not really..it’s Tuesday..and not anything but the margaritas are the same...as the pitcher arrives I ask the table who was the idiot who ordered that, I crack myself up...we finish our meal and make a stop at the liquor store conveniently located next door to the restaurant...amazing..
meanwhile joy has been talking something fierce to me...not fierce in a bad way, something fierce as in a “I’m so horny your dick wouldn’t stop being pleased” type of fierce...why don’t I live near anyone...
back home we continue to drink..the girl Gary is trying to see comes over and things get awkward..the girl who he wants to see and the girl he stopped seeing in one room...come on, you can’t have two bitches in one place, ever..i try to be the best wingman possible and entertain the ex, all the while texting Gary saying how fucked up this really is...both girls eventually leave and the night ends somewhere in the middle...rather, the fifth was finished...
G - fuck me
J - I don’t got time to fuck you
G - right, you’re too busy hanging yourself..
Monday’s shift was an absolute crap shoot...the breakfast host called off saying he had a fever, so who do they ask to fill in the shoes...the only person crossed trained with enough experience to do half the positions in the restaurant...i guess they were anticipating a dull day because they would never take breakfast down to just one server. Shocked and amazed I started hosting at 630...guess I lucked out on that silverware from last night...
I hosted breakfast lunch...the day indeed was crap, I was released from my duties at noon thirty and head home...what a bust..although I did make ten dollars on a giftcard sale...not too shabby in my mind....
I get changed and settled in, I need to get over to the apartment shortly, we have plans, we are to view the three bedroom apartments...we arrive at the leasing office and they only have one bottom level three bedroom available...but have several top levels available..if going off of what I learned this past week from the place is to be true, that the walls are paper thin, I can only imagine the floors being the same way...top level means no DDR..and I cant deal with that...we humor the lady and she shows us the top three bedroom first..sure it may have a nicer view...can you even think about moving furniture up the stairs...funk that noise...the lower level apartment is actually three doors down from where Gary and Phil currently live...it’s apart of the same building, just on the other side..funny.
It was decided then that we would get that place..and I don’t know what I just did
the next day while Phil and I are at work we keep checking our phones to see if everything went through, if it was a go..we were told we would receive a call no later than 1pm if things were a go or not..we get no call....so after work I run over to see what is going on...who’s credit is fucked up worse than mine...turns out our leasing lady called in today, but everything is a go, come in tomorrow to sign the lease...wow...it is really happening...
later that night one of Gary’s exes comes over to go out to dinner...through miscommunication, error in plans, Gary playing Halo, me on the phone...we don’t head out to dinner til 930...as we all get in the car I am agitated because I was hungry at 7 and now nothing will be open by the time we get there..well, they will be open, but we’ll be those assholes walking in the door at 950 saying, “are you still open” after we take a look at the sign with their posted hours stating they are open til 10...fuck that, I’ll get fourth meal...well, lucky for us there is a restaurant right next to the apartment we have been wanting to try..so instead of 10 minutes til close, we give them 30...god karma is gonna fuck me...
we order margaritas and I get whatever the server likes - which turned out to be amazing, trust your wait staff...about the time the food arrives I order another pitcher of margaritas - it feels like old Monday nights, but not really..it’s Tuesday..and not anything but the margaritas are the same...as the pitcher arrives I ask the table who was the idiot who ordered that, I crack myself up...we finish our meal and make a stop at the liquor store conveniently located next door to the restaurant...amazing..
meanwhile joy has been talking something fierce to me...not fierce in a bad way, something fierce as in a “I’m so horny your dick wouldn’t stop being pleased” type of fierce...why don’t I live near anyone...
back home we continue to drink..the girl Gary is trying to see comes over and things get awkward..the girl who he wants to see and the girl he stopped seeing in one room...come on, you can’t have two bitches in one place, ever..i try to be the best wingman possible and entertain the ex, all the while texting Gary saying how fucked up this really is...both girls eventually leave and the night ends somewhere in the middle...rather, the fifth was finished...
G - fuck me
J - I don’t got time to fuck you
G - right, you’re too busy hanging yourself..
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Waste of a Day
no a reference..
but in a way it is...
Sundays..what a waste...the plans to get crazy drunk for the second night in a row fell through..i believe i passed out a little before 2am, without any help or anything..amazed.....of course i fell asleep on the mini couch again, i don't know what my deal is....i mean the sofa is right there...i'm weird i guess.
i believe it was around 9am when i moved over to the larger sofa, for whatever reason, i normally don't move, but whatever, today was different i guess....i finally awoke after 1, to an empty apartment all alone. i'm scheduled to be at work at 4...i have nothing to do today, and i know work is going to be a bust...i take the long way home, casual-lax driving, just taking in the scene...
the cat dishes are back outside, i hate that my land lady feeds the strays...i remember last year she had a filthy box outside in which they would sleep in..and every time when i would get off of work at night and come home, i would start to come up the sidewalk onto the porch and the box would empty out like a clown car...ughhh, cats continued to jump out afraid as i got closer to the door, brushing up along side my legs - the thought of all the diseases they carry...at times i just want to put out some sort of poison..and if that didn't work..a BB gun would surely do the trick...it's not that i don't love animals, i do...just get those unwanted worthless creatures out of my face...
i make it to work early, that's how bored i am...i have to retell the story from Friday night another five times before my shift even starts...Sunday nights are extremely lame...by the end of the night i finish with three tables, nine covers, and 600 in sales...wow....this night was a hastle too...not only did i walk out of there at 11 (not as a closer either) having to open the next day at 6am, but we had not hot water tonight...the city was working on the water lines or something, trying to make downtown not smell like shit, but that'll never work, the colts still play here right?
i get home as fast as i could and pop an ambien, a whole ambien...it's 11 and i need to wake up at five..the ambien will get me get to sleep in an hour or so...i know when i go into work tomorrow i'm gonna walk into all the dishes and silverware that finally went through the dishwasher after the servers left...coool..on top of that, the ex never came to get her stuff today...i'd like to say it's sitting outside right now...
"fuck it...."
but in a way it is...
Sundays..what a waste...the plans to get crazy drunk for the second night in a row fell through..i believe i passed out a little before 2am, without any help or anything..amazed.....of course i fell asleep on the mini couch again, i don't know what my deal is....i mean the sofa is right there...i'm weird i guess.
i believe it was around 9am when i moved over to the larger sofa, for whatever reason, i normally don't move, but whatever, today was different i guess....i finally awoke after 1, to an empty apartment all alone. i'm scheduled to be at work at 4...i have nothing to do today, and i know work is going to be a bust...i take the long way home, casual-lax driving, just taking in the scene...
the cat dishes are back outside, i hate that my land lady feeds the strays...i remember last year she had a filthy box outside in which they would sleep in..and every time when i would get off of work at night and come home, i would start to come up the sidewalk onto the porch and the box would empty out like a clown car...ughhh, cats continued to jump out afraid as i got closer to the door, brushing up along side my legs - the thought of all the diseases they carry...at times i just want to put out some sort of poison..and if that didn't work..a BB gun would surely do the trick...it's not that i don't love animals, i do...just get those unwanted worthless creatures out of my face...
i make it to work early, that's how bored i am...i have to retell the story from Friday night another five times before my shift even starts...Sunday nights are extremely lame...by the end of the night i finish with three tables, nine covers, and 600 in sales...wow....this night was a hastle too...not only did i walk out of there at 11 (not as a closer either) having to open the next day at 6am, but we had not hot water tonight...the city was working on the water lines or something, trying to make downtown not smell like shit, but that'll never work, the colts still play here right?
i get home as fast as i could and pop an ambien, a whole ambien...it's 11 and i need to wake up at five..the ambien will get me get to sleep in an hour or so...i know when i go into work tomorrow i'm gonna walk into all the dishes and silverware that finally went through the dishwasher after the servers left...coool..on top of that, the ex never came to get her stuff today...i'd like to say it's sitting outside right now...
"fuck it...."
Saturday, October 25, 2008
A Dog Bit my Throat...
Picking it up..
Piecing it together
"when did i eat corn?"
Piecing it together
it's noon...my alarm is going off, and people are getting up...even though we just went to bed a mere three hours ago..not to mention we stopped drinking a mere three hours ago as well..amazing. if i want to get a ride home, i have to get up at this very moment for Hilary is my means of transportation and her bus is about to leave.
i try to gather my things, i still have to be drunk i swear - even if last night i had some sobering moments. i can't find my keys, where are my keys, did i even bring my keys, what's up with my keys...there's a small dog barking at me, it wants to kill me...wait, when did a dog get into the house..in three hours we obtained a dog and i was completely unaware of it...fuck my keys, just take me home, i'll use my spares.
throughout the ride back to my place, i questioned whether it was the smartest idea...was Hilary still drunk as well? she was blowing through red lights and swerving in and around cars..i knew i was gonna die today, but i didn't think it would be caused by a car accident. i didn't panic as much as i would normally have, i like to thank the alcohol for that one..one good thing it has done for me...
i get back to my place, locate the spares to use on the door, and proceed into my room. i try to recollect what has happened in the past 12 hours as i unpack my bags..it's after 1 and i am supposed to work at 330..coool
i get ready and head into work....i enter though the back door and start to switch out my jackets when i already have people coming up to me making comments about last night...i've been there for just a minute, i just put my bag down, and already, really...this is going to be an awesome shift...
the conversations people are having aren't about anything other than the fight, so i'm pretty much out of that scene..but i speak up only because i hate when the rumor mill starts, so i, as the eye witness who lived it out, try to make everyone clear on what really happened...this ends up backfiring when people realize i had my own scuffle with that one guy...
work was one big lame bust...we were short of 100 covers to start the evening off, but we were projected to get a crazy pop just like we did last night..those words curse us everytime...i was on a team pooling again...we had a 14 top and 8 top plotted in our two rooms...but the 14 went down to a 12 and the 8 went to a 6 and wanted a round table..so we just had the 12 and open seating in the other room...i had one table, a two top, that had i not been pooling, i would have rented one of the rooms at the hotel next door to hang myself from the shower nozzle...
the two that were sat were regulars at an older restaurant wherein one of the hosts actually took care of them a lot..the host told me three things, keep the ice teas full because they go through a lot, they will split everything, but they also tip very well...well, i wish i could say two out of three isn't bad except when the third thing out was the tipping...their bill was 108.48...they had one of those American Express vouchers for $100 off, so the bill was just the 8.48....i dropped off the adjusted check...they walk out shortly after and i thank them..i saw them pulling out cash to pay the rest with so i know all is well...or not...i walk to the table and find ten dollars..wait..ten..i..did i just make a dollar and fifty-two cents off that table...i fly up to the host stand outraged and show that host who thought he knew it all...he was amazed, he tried to apologize but it wasn't his fault...wasn't his fault people are fucking old and senile...i try to think the best of the situation, maybe they forgot that they didn't pay..maybe this...try to see the good in people
i take a break, walk away....i sit in the back at IRD and reflect upon how i would have reacted if this were in the past, like if i were at JR, or the OG, or anywhere else...i know had this happened at JR, given the time of day and adding in all the other bullshit i would have already been facing that day, as i exited the backdoor of the building my hands would have gone straight to my hip, my coin changer would have been launched into the air, hitting the side of the storage semi next to the big green trash bins, my hat and glasses would have been next to fall suit, going straight to the ground, and my hands would have gripped onto my crazy hat hair and pulled everso hard..throw out some expletives and and just breath...that was any given day at JR, that's all i can remember from that place...
like i said, today it isn't that big a deal..we got a party, we have a contracted minimum we will get tipped off of..i smile and shrug it off..and as much as i just want to call it a night and stop working altogether, i figure i'll just go ahead and do all the sidework and sets for my group since i am literally stealing their money tonight...
the night ends and i make a bill..what's funny is looking back on my table, given the tip i received, i would not have had enough money to tip out one single person of the three i was supposed to tip out..i love paying to work somewhere...
Hilary worked tonight as well....she was actually fifteen minutes late for her 6:00 shift and the hosts were talking shit about her in light of that..apparently she had already tried to call off for the day, but due to the fact people have big mouths, word got out that the night didn't end at the bars last night and in fact we were still up til 9 drinking...there's like four bad things in that last sentence that nobody was supposed to know about...as mentioned before her BF doesn't want her to go out, to go out drinking, to be around other guys, to be around other guys drinking, to stay somewhere else, and so forth....oh, did i mention her BF works next door...
i tell Hilary that the cover has been blown and we just need to be careful, try to kill this thing fast..it doesn't help that it's tied into the fight story now either...i don't need a marine wanting to kick my ass...again...
i make a stop at home quickly, gathering some items before i head back over to Gary and Phil's place - it's now my second home. Phil has yet to hear the story from the night before as he went to bed early..it's epic, but can only be discussed in the walls in which it happened. Phil's gf is over and i apologize in advance for the profanity and topics of discussion that are about to go down....
the story, in full takes an hour to retell..of course with random side stories that have nothing to do with anything and the interjections posed by Phil....after that it was pretty much lights out...the plans to get drunk and have a repeat of last night fell threw..two nights of drinking til after 7am in less than a week isn't bad...or is it?
i try to gather my things, i still have to be drunk i swear - even if last night i had some sobering moments. i can't find my keys, where are my keys, did i even bring my keys, what's up with my keys...there's a small dog barking at me, it wants to kill me...wait, when did a dog get into the house..in three hours we obtained a dog and i was completely unaware of it...fuck my keys, just take me home, i'll use my spares.
throughout the ride back to my place, i questioned whether it was the smartest idea...was Hilary still drunk as well? she was blowing through red lights and swerving in and around cars..i knew i was gonna die today, but i didn't think it would be caused by a car accident. i didn't panic as much as i would normally have, i like to thank the alcohol for that one..one good thing it has done for me...
i get back to my place, locate the spares to use on the door, and proceed into my room. i try to recollect what has happened in the past 12 hours as i unpack my bags..it's after 1 and i am supposed to work at 330..coool
i get ready and head into work....i enter though the back door and start to switch out my jackets when i already have people coming up to me making comments about last night...i've been there for just a minute, i just put my bag down, and already, really...this is going to be an awesome shift...
the conversations people are having aren't about anything other than the fight, so i'm pretty much out of that scene..but i speak up only because i hate when the rumor mill starts, so i, as the eye witness who lived it out, try to make everyone clear on what really happened...this ends up backfiring when people realize i had my own scuffle with that one guy...
work was one big lame bust...we were short of 100 covers to start the evening off, but we were projected to get a crazy pop just like we did last night..those words curse us everytime...i was on a team pooling again...we had a 14 top and 8 top plotted in our two rooms...but the 14 went down to a 12 and the 8 went to a 6 and wanted a round table..so we just had the 12 and open seating in the other room...i had one table, a two top, that had i not been pooling, i would have rented one of the rooms at the hotel next door to hang myself from the shower nozzle...
the two that were sat were regulars at an older restaurant wherein one of the hosts actually took care of them a lot..the host told me three things, keep the ice teas full because they go through a lot, they will split everything, but they also tip very well...well, i wish i could say two out of three isn't bad except when the third thing out was the tipping...their bill was 108.48...they had one of those American Express vouchers for $100 off, so the bill was just the 8.48....i dropped off the adjusted check...they walk out shortly after and i thank them..i saw them pulling out cash to pay the rest with so i know all is well...or not...i walk to the table and find ten dollars..wait..ten..i..did i just make a dollar and fifty-two cents off that table...i fly up to the host stand outraged and show that host who thought he knew it all...he was amazed, he tried to apologize but it wasn't his fault...wasn't his fault people are fucking old and senile...i try to think the best of the situation, maybe they forgot that they didn't pay..maybe this...try to see the good in people
i take a break, walk away....i sit in the back at IRD and reflect upon how i would have reacted if this were in the past, like if i were at JR, or the OG, or anywhere else...i know had this happened at JR, given the time of day and adding in all the other bullshit i would have already been facing that day, as i exited the backdoor of the building my hands would have gone straight to my hip, my coin changer would have been launched into the air, hitting the side of the storage semi next to the big green trash bins, my hat and glasses would have been next to fall suit, going straight to the ground, and my hands would have gripped onto my crazy hat hair and pulled everso hard..throw out some expletives and and just breath...that was any given day at JR, that's all i can remember from that place...
like i said, today it isn't that big a deal..we got a party, we have a contracted minimum we will get tipped off of..i smile and shrug it off..and as much as i just want to call it a night and stop working altogether, i figure i'll just go ahead and do all the sidework and sets for my group since i am literally stealing their money tonight...
the night ends and i make a bill..what's funny is looking back on my table, given the tip i received, i would not have had enough money to tip out one single person of the three i was supposed to tip out..i love paying to work somewhere...
Hilary worked tonight as well....she was actually fifteen minutes late for her 6:00 shift and the hosts were talking shit about her in light of that..apparently she had already tried to call off for the day, but due to the fact people have big mouths, word got out that the night didn't end at the bars last night and in fact we were still up til 9 drinking...there's like four bad things in that last sentence that nobody was supposed to know about...as mentioned before her BF doesn't want her to go out, to go out drinking, to be around other guys, to be around other guys drinking, to stay somewhere else, and so forth....oh, did i mention her BF works next door...
i tell Hilary that the cover has been blown and we just need to be careful, try to kill this thing fast..it doesn't help that it's tied into the fight story now either...i don't need a marine wanting to kick my ass...again...
i make a stop at home quickly, gathering some items before i head back over to Gary and Phil's place - it's now my second home. Phil has yet to hear the story from the night before as he went to bed early..it's epic, but can only be discussed in the walls in which it happened. Phil's gf is over and i apologize in advance for the profanity and topics of discussion that are about to go down....
the story, in full takes an hour to retell..of course with random side stories that have nothing to do with anything and the interjections posed by Phil....after that it was pretty much lights out...the plans to get drunk and have a repeat of last night fell threw..two nights of drinking til after 7am in less than a week isn't bad...or is it?
"when did i eat corn?"
Thursday, October 23, 2008
An Off Day
this day didn't start til
when most people's days end..
"he had the crazy eye and i [bounces on tippie toes] didn't like it!"
when most people's days end..
i stayed over at the apartment last night and didn't do anything all day long...it was my day off, and i keep using that as my excuse to be a sloth, as if i do sooo much as it is...i really need to get on the bus (rosa)...evening came and everybody was finally in the house at one time. i had only been talking about dinner for the past couple hours, now that everything was conjured up we could finally make a move..onto subway, because for some reason i made a mention of it a long time ago..and the parody of the 'five orgasm night' song is still being sung throughout the land..
as we are heading back to the apartment, subs in tow, i get a call from Lady O - my plans for tonight are tentative with her, so this call is kinda huge....we've only been trying to hang out since we hung out last month ago...crazy schedules and poor communication could be to blame, but here we are..she's just getting ready, asking me what outfit she should wear (i obviously pick the one with the skirt..), and tells me she wants to go to a martini bar..aka niki b's...
so now i got a slight problem with the timing...i need to shower and get ready, and i still have yet to eat...that's not so bad if not i weren't bringing Gary...he has to do all the same i do, i just know he will take twice as long to complete it all...so we down our subs and i head to my place...i quickly shower and change into a blazered outfit and wait...and wait..
eventually he arrives and he make the two mile trip downtown. right before we go to Niki's we make a stop at our restaurant, one of the hostesses wanted to borrow my eyeglasses for whatever reason, and because she is so cute i willing obliged. as we walk in the door we are greeted by the two cutest hostesses at out workplace, the one i am dropping my glasses off with is not quite old enough to join us at the bar, but the other - Hillary - is, and she somehow gets invited to join us after she gets off...
from there it was on to Niki's where we find Lady O and her roommate sitting on one of the plush couches...the night is awkward, even with the arrival of Hillary and Keith...Lady O just doesn't have time for me..i don't know if it's because we both quasi-dated a long time ago, because we are both very attractive people hanging out, because we both got out of one year relationships or just what...i knew going into tonight there would be no fireworks, when asked what my intentions were, i had none, i even told Joy i wasn't getting laid tonight....this is purely, yet uncomfortably platonic...
i think my favorite part of being at niki's was when Lady O and her roommate were heading home, the roommate feeling pretty good and Lady O just plain out tired, the roommate while standing in front of me as i sent them on their way asked Lady O if i was coming with them...i quickly headed that one off before it got too unbearable and said "i'm not that lucky, goodnight"...even as the last syllable was coming out of my mouth i couldn't believe what i just said..ohh well, goodnight..
after Lady O left everyone joined me on the couch i was originally on, the couch where i now sat alone..three people hopped over and for some reason offered their solace to me, trying to cheer me up, feed me with positive lines of encouragement that Lady O was actually interested..i'm not blind or stupid..i know better and i told them that...i wasn't looking for pity, not yet at least...
a few of us are hunger so we decide to blow that Popsicle stand and head over to my favorite place, Vito's..entering the doors to Vito's we see two more people we work with..i try to grab a table away from the two co-workers, but it's not happening, we joined in with them...now, it's not that i don't like my coworkers..it's just that i had a large enough group of coworkers that i didn't want this to turn out to be an all restaurant affair..it truly started with just Gary and I meeting up with Lady O and her roommate, now it's everyone we know to love and hate..every single day...
normal conversation goes about, pizza is ordered - of which i have only two slices of - and then something gets said to me....something about the ex, something about breasts, something...and then the alcohol kicked in and i was depressed...i wasn't drunk, i was fine with the amount i had consumed, but my thoughts had a different idea, and like a building comes crashing down, my cheerful self was lost in a cloud of confusion.
i stepped away from the table and went into the bathroom - i needed to take a moment to step out of the situation i got myself in..i needed some fresh air (the irony of using the bathroom..), just needed to remove myself from the group for a moment...splash some water on my face and bang my head against the wall...i'm interrupted by Keith who comes in the door...i towel off and he starts asking me if i am ok...i know people are concerned, but it's never music to my ears to hear that....i tell him i'm not as we continue our conversation out the bathroom and into the hallway...
while talking to the side of the hall, a lady comes out of the woman's bathroom, makes a wide turn and walks into us..like, actually into us. i'm confused, and out of nowhere Keith comes out swinging, social engineering style...he starts talking to this girl, telling her some randomly elaborate story, we are brothers, and it just continues...i haven't had anyone start this game in forever...i miss the days of ole when ZB and i would have fun doing this...this brings me back..i interject and play the game right back...it feels good to be back...after the girl leaves us, giving us both a kiss, Keith is amazed at how well that went...apparently he tries to do things like that all the time, but nobody will ever play back like that, until tonight...this brief moment of greatness swooped me right out of the depressive state i was starting to tread in...
back at the table we are finishing up the night, last call, take some shots, let's get the bill..well, here's where the problem starts...the bill for the four of us is $100..unfortunately we didn't sit at the bar, so our waitress had to ring everything in, normally we would get the hook up...not so lucky tonight..but the discrepancy starts when we look at the bill and see us being charged ten bucks for vodka, and four bucks for redbull, as two separate drinks..not as a vodka redbull...whatever, i don't care, dispute it all you want, my shit is easy..i put down my money and walked away...
well, Keith has had too many, and he's bought too many for others...he doesn't realize his bill is cose to 2/3 of the total bill..but only throws down 1/4 of it...so he knows there's an argument about the bill...i hate when the bill comes...so he goes over to the waitress and starts hitting on her...telling her to give him a call if we don't hook her up as he writes his number on a napkin...cooool, he just threw his coworkers and friends under the bus saying we don't know how to tip...i'm pissed now..i tell the rest at the table we need to get the fuck going, th bill finally gets paid, it's an embarrassing ordeal as Hilary questions the bartender about the prices..i just want to go...
so as we are on our exodus word gets to Keith that we only left ten on a hundred..that's got to not be true...we all work in the service industry, somebody's pulling one over here...so Gary and Keith are exchanging words, i know Gary threw in extra money as he tried to get the bill straightened out and paid...it's all a bloody mess and Hilary asks me to walk her to her vehicle..gladly...i take her arm in arm and we go out the door..i'll catch up with those douche-tools in a minute..we are a good distance away from the establishment, almost to the intersection of the next road when Hilary and i hear Gary and Keith coming out of the bar talking loudly...i try to ignore it all...Hilary says we should go back, i say that's a bad idea, those two can sort it out, if we go back something worse is going to happen...
i see pushes, midget kicks, and punches all being thrown by Keith..one of the punches lands on Gary's neck, but Gary is not drunk and is keeping his cool, trying to walk away...this is when Hilary starts pulling me back towards the scene...as we make it back, the entire bar has cleared out and Gary and Keith have a bit of separation between them..Keith was originally supposed to come with us over to the apartment, but now, i don't think that is happening..he's too drunk to drive, so i'm trying to figure out what is going on (i never know what is going on) as Gary approaches us and tells us to 'let's just leave' i notice a guy still in uniform from another restaurant with crazed eyes locked onto Gary, making a bee line for him...this.sets.me.off.
for one, Gary was not the aggressor in this ordeal, he doesn't need to be held back, doesn't need people all up in his face, especially since his back is turned on everyone..two, this asshole isn't even involved in the conflict or our group...i will not stand for any part of this and i slide step right in front of this asshole, meeting him face to face..well kinda, he was taller, and tell him to back the fuck up, pretty much repeating everything i just stated here to him...my arms are held up, as if they are giving a stopping motion, my palms are open, and i have no intentions on touching him..
somebody tries to pull me away, but i shake free, then Hilary, Gary, and the bartender grab me and move me to the side...i start talking to the bartender as him and i have always gotten along...he tries to tell me that putting my hands up and moving them around was gonna cause commotion and if the po-po were to drive by they would think something was up...he tells me he values me as a customer and really does enjoy my presence, the cops won't be called...as this is happening, Hillary is pulling on my arm telling me to fuck this place and leave..i try to get her to stop, but she continues, then i rip free my arm and sternly remind her i was trying to have a conversation, be polite....
ughh, all these people with the pulling...so the bartender and i talk, i apologize as i was not trying to cause a scene, but i'm rilled up now, the adrenaline is pumping..my eyes for one brief moment glance around the scene behind the man i was talking to and it leads me to trouble..the bartender quickly snaps and tells me not to do that, not to look around, he 'knows' what i am doing...i'm confused..i looked around to see what happened with Keith, not to see where the fogo de chao asshole was..but this was my breaking point...how did i all of a sudden become the problem, the aggressor..i knew we shouldn't have turned back....at this point i get mad and i end te conversation..don't you fucking tell me...
so now it's Hilary, Gary, and i walking back to our vehicles...at this point those two try to tell me how drunk i am, which of course makes me outraged...they later back down that statement a bit, but said i wouldn't have done that sober...they obviously don't know me....
Gary drops Hilary and i at her car..he's going back to the apartment, we will join him after we make a stop at my place to pick up some alcohol....they wanna know drunk jangus, deal.
**excerpts deleted**
**excerpts deleted**
it's after 8am and we are all finishing off the last swigs of our alcoholic beverages...the only reason we knew it was that late/early was because Phil was just 'waking' up....sadly though he was never really able to get to sleep do to all the ruckus that was going on all night long..his poor soul has to be at work at 9am...i can see the dawn breaking...i guess it's time to go to sleep?
as we are heading back to the apartment, subs in tow, i get a call from Lady O - my plans for tonight are tentative with her, so this call is kinda huge....we've only been trying to hang out since we hung out last month ago...crazy schedules and poor communication could be to blame, but here we are..she's just getting ready, asking me what outfit she should wear (i obviously pick the one with the skirt..), and tells me she wants to go to a martini bar..aka niki b's...
so now i got a slight problem with the timing...i need to shower and get ready, and i still have yet to eat...that's not so bad if not i weren't bringing Gary...he has to do all the same i do, i just know he will take twice as long to complete it all...so we down our subs and i head to my place...i quickly shower and change into a blazered outfit and wait...and wait..
eventually he arrives and he make the two mile trip downtown. right before we go to Niki's we make a stop at our restaurant, one of the hostesses wanted to borrow my eyeglasses for whatever reason, and because she is so cute i willing obliged. as we walk in the door we are greeted by the two cutest hostesses at out workplace, the one i am dropping my glasses off with is not quite old enough to join us at the bar, but the other - Hillary - is, and she somehow gets invited to join us after she gets off...
from there it was on to Niki's where we find Lady O and her roommate sitting on one of the plush couches...the night is awkward, even with the arrival of Hillary and Keith...Lady O just doesn't have time for me..i don't know if it's because we both quasi-dated a long time ago, because we are both very attractive people hanging out, because we both got out of one year relationships or just what...i knew going into tonight there would be no fireworks, when asked what my intentions were, i had none, i even told Joy i wasn't getting laid tonight....this is purely, yet uncomfortably platonic...
i think my favorite part of being at niki's was when Lady O and her roommate were heading home, the roommate feeling pretty good and Lady O just plain out tired, the roommate while standing in front of me as i sent them on their way asked Lady O if i was coming with them...i quickly headed that one off before it got too unbearable and said "i'm not that lucky, goodnight"...even as the last syllable was coming out of my mouth i couldn't believe what i just said..ohh well, goodnight..
after Lady O left everyone joined me on the couch i was originally on, the couch where i now sat alone..three people hopped over and for some reason offered their solace to me, trying to cheer me up, feed me with positive lines of encouragement that Lady O was actually interested..i'm not blind or stupid..i know better and i told them that...i wasn't looking for pity, not yet at least...
a few of us are hunger so we decide to blow that Popsicle stand and head over to my favorite place, Vito's..entering the doors to Vito's we see two more people we work with..i try to grab a table away from the two co-workers, but it's not happening, we joined in with them...now, it's not that i don't like my coworkers..it's just that i had a large enough group of coworkers that i didn't want this to turn out to be an all restaurant affair..it truly started with just Gary and I meeting up with Lady O and her roommate, now it's everyone we know to love and hate..every single day...
normal conversation goes about, pizza is ordered - of which i have only two slices of - and then something gets said to me....something about the ex, something about breasts, something...and then the alcohol kicked in and i was depressed...i wasn't drunk, i was fine with the amount i had consumed, but my thoughts had a different idea, and like a building comes crashing down, my cheerful self was lost in a cloud of confusion.
i stepped away from the table and went into the bathroom - i needed to take a moment to step out of the situation i got myself in..i needed some fresh air (the irony of using the bathroom..), just needed to remove myself from the group for a moment...splash some water on my face and bang my head against the wall...i'm interrupted by Keith who comes in the door...i towel off and he starts asking me if i am ok...i know people are concerned, but it's never music to my ears to hear that....i tell him i'm not as we continue our conversation out the bathroom and into the hallway...
while talking to the side of the hall, a lady comes out of the woman's bathroom, makes a wide turn and walks into us..like, actually into us. i'm confused, and out of nowhere Keith comes out swinging, social engineering style...he starts talking to this girl, telling her some randomly elaborate story, we are brothers, and it just continues...i haven't had anyone start this game in forever...i miss the days of ole when ZB and i would have fun doing this...this brings me back..i interject and play the game right back...it feels good to be back...after the girl leaves us, giving us both a kiss, Keith is amazed at how well that went...apparently he tries to do things like that all the time, but nobody will ever play back like that, until tonight...this brief moment of greatness swooped me right out of the depressive state i was starting to tread in...
back at the table we are finishing up the night, last call, take some shots, let's get the bill..well, here's where the problem starts...the bill for the four of us is $100..unfortunately we didn't sit at the bar, so our waitress had to ring everything in, normally we would get the hook up...not so lucky tonight..but the discrepancy starts when we look at the bill and see us being charged ten bucks for vodka, and four bucks for redbull, as two separate drinks..not as a vodka redbull...whatever, i don't care, dispute it all you want, my shit is easy..i put down my money and walked away...
well, Keith has had too many, and he's bought too many for others...he doesn't realize his bill is cose to 2/3 of the total bill..but only throws down 1/4 of it...so he knows there's an argument about the bill...i hate when the bill comes...so he goes over to the waitress and starts hitting on her...telling her to give him a call if we don't hook her up as he writes his number on a napkin...cooool, he just threw his coworkers and friends under the bus saying we don't know how to tip...i'm pissed now..i tell the rest at the table we need to get the fuck going, th bill finally gets paid, it's an embarrassing ordeal as Hilary questions the bartender about the prices..i just want to go...
so as we are on our exodus word gets to Keith that we only left ten on a hundred..that's got to not be true...we all work in the service industry, somebody's pulling one over here...so Gary and Keith are exchanging words, i know Gary threw in extra money as he tried to get the bill straightened out and paid...it's all a bloody mess and Hilary asks me to walk her to her vehicle..gladly...i take her arm in arm and we go out the door..i'll catch up with those douche-tools in a minute..we are a good distance away from the establishment, almost to the intersection of the next road when Hilary and i hear Gary and Keith coming out of the bar talking loudly...i try to ignore it all...Hilary says we should go back, i say that's a bad idea, those two can sort it out, if we go back something worse is going to happen...
i see pushes, midget kicks, and punches all being thrown by Keith..one of the punches lands on Gary's neck, but Gary is not drunk and is keeping his cool, trying to walk away...this is when Hilary starts pulling me back towards the scene...as we make it back, the entire bar has cleared out and Gary and Keith have a bit of separation between them..Keith was originally supposed to come with us over to the apartment, but now, i don't think that is happening..he's too drunk to drive, so i'm trying to figure out what is going on (i never know what is going on) as Gary approaches us and tells us to 'let's just leave' i notice a guy still in uniform from another restaurant with crazed eyes locked onto Gary, making a bee line for him...this.sets.me.off.
for one, Gary was not the aggressor in this ordeal, he doesn't need to be held back, doesn't need people all up in his face, especially since his back is turned on everyone..two, this asshole isn't even involved in the conflict or our group...i will not stand for any part of this and i slide step right in front of this asshole, meeting him face to face..well kinda, he was taller, and tell him to back the fuck up, pretty much repeating everything i just stated here to him...my arms are held up, as if they are giving a stopping motion, my palms are open, and i have no intentions on touching him..
somebody tries to pull me away, but i shake free, then Hilary, Gary, and the bartender grab me and move me to the side...i start talking to the bartender as him and i have always gotten along...he tries to tell me that putting my hands up and moving them around was gonna cause commotion and if the po-po were to drive by they would think something was up...he tells me he values me as a customer and really does enjoy my presence, the cops won't be called...as this is happening, Hillary is pulling on my arm telling me to fuck this place and leave..i try to get her to stop, but she continues, then i rip free my arm and sternly remind her i was trying to have a conversation, be polite....
ughh, all these people with the pulling...so the bartender and i talk, i apologize as i was not trying to cause a scene, but i'm rilled up now, the adrenaline is pumping..my eyes for one brief moment glance around the scene behind the man i was talking to and it leads me to trouble..the bartender quickly snaps and tells me not to do that, not to look around, he 'knows' what i am doing...i'm confused..i looked around to see what happened with Keith, not to see where the fogo de chao asshole was..but this was my breaking point...how did i all of a sudden become the problem, the aggressor..i knew we shouldn't have turned back....at this point i get mad and i end te conversation..don't you fucking tell me...
so now it's Hilary, Gary, and i walking back to our vehicles...at this point those two try to tell me how drunk i am, which of course makes me outraged...they later back down that statement a bit, but said i wouldn't have done that sober...they obviously don't know me....
Gary drops Hilary and i at her car..he's going back to the apartment, we will join him after we make a stop at my place to pick up some alcohol....they wanna know drunk jangus, deal.
**excerpts deleted**
i like how this is my fault all of a sudden... | |
| new pants party.. | |
| i meant "no pants party"..i just got drunk..., again | |
| | |
| |
**excerpts deleted**
it's after 8am and we are all finishing off the last swigs of our alcoholic beverages...the only reason we knew it was that late/early was because Phil was just 'waking' up....sadly though he was never really able to get to sleep do to all the ruckus that was going on all night long..his poor soul has to be at work at 9am...i can see the dawn breaking...i guess it's time to go to sleep?
"he had the crazy eye and i [bounces on tippie toes] didn't like it!"
Whoops...
whoops..
whoops..
whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..
"fucking whoops"
whoops..
whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..
"fucking whoops"
Washed My Hands
I'm not a pilot...
but i play one on TV
"5 is a 6!"
but i play one on TV
i've had enough of the retardedness from the ex this past week, i tell myself i've done everything i possible could have done, more than most people would have done, now it's time for me to clean my hands of this...i'm just gonna push it off onto someone that she still wants in her life..
i'm on my break from work and i'm back at my house. i review the names in my phone remembering that i deleted a lot of contacts about a month ago, around 100 of them...i kept the ex's but removed all of the ex's family member's numbers. the only person i would talk to was her father, he was the only one who liked me - the mother on the other hand, i should have laid her ass out with the back of my hand when she hit me, but i am a better person than that.
the only person i had left in a round about way was her uncle, the only reason why i had the ability to contact that person was because i still had CP's number..i hate to bother someone at work, but when that's all you got, that's all you got..and those who know the back story know how messed up me calling the uncle really is...but when something like this is going on, previous walls seem to seem insignificant in comparison.
i call and leave a message..i really don't think he'll just call me back unless i say it's in relation to the waste...i'm back at work, i sit at pre-shift, the entire thing before the managers tell me they have already cut me for the evening..cooool..a phone call before i headed out to my house and paid for parking would have been great, but, that's thinking ahead and not how they roll...i make one of the managers buy me a dinner for wasting my time, i mean honestly it's the least they could do...as i am waiting for my food to come up, my phone rings...it's CP
i answer as i rush through the kitchen, round IRD, out the backdoors, and into the loading dock area..it's the uncle, wanting to know what's up....i rant and ramble off everything...i talk and talk, keep telling more and more of the story..i pause, breath..i feel as if there should be some sort of interjection on his part, but ot avoid the awkward silence i keep rambling...he eventually tries to pull what i am saying together and asks questions...it's a fifteen minute phone call that ends on a relatively good note...he appreciates me coming to him and letting him know what was going on, he tell me he'll take it from there, though he's not sure where 'there' is...my point exactly...i have done everything i could, and the ex's alleged suicide happened weeks ago...she needs help that i can't offer and no longer want it to weigh on my shoulders
it's the first time in a year i have talked to him, and it'll probably be the last time, funny how life works out...as i am waiting for my food, i realize my phone going off, missed call..it's the ex and she left a voicemail...she's asking me to quit calling her family and leave her alone...i'm blowing everything out of proportion and in reality she just wants it all to end, she wants her stuff back and be done with me...wow...moments later i get a text basically summing all that up in a sentence....i knew that was going to happen, i knew if i said something it would blow up in my face, but what other option did i have...lame...i have tomorrow off, my conscience is clear...time for me to live my life and forget about the past...over to the crib on the southside...the plan for later this evening...the midnight release of Saw V...coool, another opportunity for me to be the fifth wheel..
i think Phil has caught on to my sarcastic apathy to the situation..he tries to make me feel needed, calling me his date and such..it's cute, but i know better....i try getting people to go..two of my girls have to be at work at 6, another at 9..why are people so lame...well, at least i got to go to a movie....
i'm on my break from work and i'm back at my house. i review the names in my phone remembering that i deleted a lot of contacts about a month ago, around 100 of them...i kept the ex's but removed all of the ex's family member's numbers. the only person i would talk to was her father, he was the only one who liked me - the mother on the other hand, i should have laid her ass out with the back of my hand when she hit me, but i am a better person than that.
the only person i had left in a round about way was her uncle, the only reason why i had the ability to contact that person was because i still had CP's number..i hate to bother someone at work, but when that's all you got, that's all you got..and those who know the back story know how messed up me calling the uncle really is...but when something like this is going on, previous walls seem to seem insignificant in comparison.
i call and leave a message..i really don't think he'll just call me back unless i say it's in relation to the waste...i'm back at work, i sit at pre-shift, the entire thing before the managers tell me they have already cut me for the evening..cooool..a phone call before i headed out to my house and paid for parking would have been great, but, that's thinking ahead and not how they roll...i make one of the managers buy me a dinner for wasting my time, i mean honestly it's the least they could do...as i am waiting for my food to come up, my phone rings...it's CP
i answer as i rush through the kitchen, round IRD, out the backdoors, and into the loading dock area..it's the uncle, wanting to know what's up....i rant and ramble off everything...i talk and talk, keep telling more and more of the story..i pause, breath..i feel as if there should be some sort of interjection on his part, but ot avoid the awkward silence i keep rambling...he eventually tries to pull what i am saying together and asks questions...it's a fifteen minute phone call that ends on a relatively good note...he appreciates me coming to him and letting him know what was going on, he tell me he'll take it from there, though he's not sure where 'there' is...my point exactly...i have done everything i could, and the ex's alleged suicide happened weeks ago...she needs help that i can't offer and no longer want it to weigh on my shoulders
it's the first time in a year i have talked to him, and it'll probably be the last time, funny how life works out...as i am waiting for my food, i realize my phone going off, missed call..it's the ex and she left a voicemail...she's asking me to quit calling her family and leave her alone...i'm blowing everything out of proportion and in reality she just wants it all to end, she wants her stuff back and be done with me...wow...moments later i get a text basically summing all that up in a sentence....i knew that was going to happen, i knew if i said something it would blow up in my face, but what other option did i have...lame...i have tomorrow off, my conscience is clear...time for me to live my life and forget about the past...over to the crib on the southside...the plan for later this evening...the midnight release of Saw V...coool, another opportunity for me to be the fifth wheel..
i think Phil has caught on to my sarcastic apathy to the situation..he tries to make me feel needed, calling me his date and such..it's cute, but i know better....i try getting people to go..two of my girls have to be at work at 6, another at 9..why are people so lame...well, at least i got to go to a movie....
"5 is a 6!"
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
24 Hours to Live..Part II
the day that wouldn't end..
but in an alright kinda way..
"I got her number...what was it...5!"
but in an alright kinda way..
After having to recant everything that just went down on the ill fated TTown trip to Phil, we moved forward with the night..well, at least that's how i would like to remember it...as much as i would like to say it was only a ten minute conversation of just the details, it was not...phil asked questions, one of which was what the next move was, i said just as she wants, she's gonna get her shit and that'll be the end of her...note that it was at this time i changed her name on my phone from "Buttercup" to "waste of energy", so if you see any "waste of ___" it's in reference to her more than likely...
i've never actually hung out with Phil before, so it was a night of bonding for us...with gary gone to talk to his future ex girlfriend and passing out on us, it was just phil and i to reflect back onto things...this got me into story mode - i covered everything from scarface to showering with my ex to bringing it back old school with pity party...
phil sat and listened, being wildly entertained by my stories - i hope to one day record them all, jot them all down, somehow get them published one way or another...just because they are something special to me..i also feel it's the best way for me to remember them...it seems like as i get older i keep telling the same jokes and the same stories over and over...i wish i could remember them all..i guess that's what friends are for...
the night grows into morning and we are still awake, i'm still drinking, and we are still exchanging stories..somehow we work into the supernatural and creep ourselves out...lucky for us dawn is breaking as we look at our phones to see it's almost seven in the morning..Phil realizes he has to be somewhere at 8 so he hops in the shower..i give a call to joy to fill her in on the night's events...(i would later find out that she thought i sounded like i was coked out...sooo, i guess that's what i get for being drunk for an entire night and staying up til 7am...)
Let's just say joy is beyond pissed at the ex, i know if she could make it possible, she would have been over in two seconds to kick somebody's ass..she even threatened to come down on sunday to go off on the waste of time, but i assured her, as much as we would both love for that, it was just a waste of energy...
i pass out shortly after Joy ends the call...i'm awoken at 1130 when Gary goes off to get his haircut..i throw up the deuces to let him know i am still alive and roll over, ball up in the fetal position and adjust the hood on my jacket to not let the light in..
a couple hours pass and i decide it's time to wake up..well, i don't really wanna wake up, but i need to do something about the rumbling in my butt that is making my stomach hate me as well...just for future record, hot wings and rum do not mix..so i gather my stuff and head out...as i open the door i am greeted by the afternoon sun, to which i make the comment, "this has to be the brightest it has ever been..ever". i start to close the door behind me when i hear a noise coming from around the corner of the apartment building..my hand hangs onto the door knob as the sound gets closer...somebody's whistling and having a gay ol time....the originator of the noise turns the corner and i realize it's Gary..so i open the door and head back inside...
back inside the noise and commotion of gary and i wakes up phil, and we just pick up where we left off last night...gary's soon to be ex-girlfriend came over shortly after that as well...she gets the name of "soon to be ex-girlfriend" as a funny little joke..see, they aren't dating yet, but any girl Gary dates soon becomes his ex, it's like a revolving door...i can't really explain it..we're all hungry so we decide to go around the corner to Steak N Shake - i know right, it's like 2 pm not 2am and we are eating SnS? wow.
we're goofing off, being that one asshole table who just wants to have fun - the waitress luckily has time for it, but then Phil gets a call and his girlfriend (actual) is coming to join us...now there are two things kinda wrong with this scenario..the first and most present to you is the fact i somehow just became the fifth wheel..but the other part you don't know about is, Phil's girlfriend is...i like to say, special....no she's not retarded, she just is a lot more innocent and holier than thou art...so the swearing has to drop from a ten to a negative two...with her arrival it was like night and day at the table..sure we still joked around, but it was nothing near as bad as when we first arrived...
now i'm not saying this is entirely a bad thing..we all know how i talk out my ass without ever thinking about what it is i am actually saying...i think the most recent ex would agree whole heartedly with that..it's always been something i am made aware of, something i wish i could work on, but instincts are instincts..and i've become a callous asshole throughout my years...so i think that if i can make an effort to not say fuck every other word, i may make a a transition for the better good...
so after our meal it was back to the apartment..this is where things kinda got heavy...so the two guys are just that, guys, and the place is something short of a cluster fuck, typical stuff - similar to TJ's apartment...i don't know how people can live like that, but it's not my place, so i don't care....but Phil's gf does care..and ensued a little fight...
Phil is doing everything he can to meet the gf half way on things - i mean she's a typical girl with her typical issues...i mean in all actuality she's a really good girl, as a person and for him..she makes him want to better himself and she comes off as pretty cool...but in the same breath i will say at times she just needs to get it the fuck together..girls, can't explain them..so i just put my dick in them, joke joke..
well Phil grabs me and we go to Walmart to pick up cleaning supplies, anything to make the gf content...we talk about things, relationships, and we realize from the past almost 24 hours we have spent together, we are pretty close to the same person...we hare similar styles of comedy, we are able to play off one another and have witty banter, it's a change up from the usual people who have been present in my life, i say present as in people i interact with everyday face to face...not my close friends who are reading this getting pissed right now...sheesh
we are back at the apartment and the girl i sporadically dubbed my girlfriend has left..she came over after SnS and to make me feel more acceptable to the group, she was called that..now she is gone..so everyone starts cleaning, phil is trying his best to keep from blowing his top, i'm gently weeping while i play the guitar, offering some sort of cleaning music...i quickly get tuned out when Gary plugs in the ipod.
we spend the next two hours cleaning and rearranging, the apartment is really coming along, it's after 8 and we need a break for dinner...nobody has a preference on what to eat so we just all pile into one car...there's the debate on whether or not to take two vehicles or not..seeings how we have five people...we could either all cram together...or take two and be comfortable..had there been a nice even number, no doubt on what to do..
we change restaurant decisions several times before finally pulling into Pizza Hut..cool, we need a five top, so they pull together a couple tables, leaving six chairs...we start to look at the menu, and for the family meals they have an option for four people, and six people...it's cool, i'll just go fuck myself...
in all honesty i'm just playing around with the fifth wheel thing, honestly it should have some effect on me, what with the loss of my girlfriend and all..i should be a pitiful little bitch right about now...but instead, it's all jokes and rolls right off my back...
after dinner we make a stop at linens n things...apparently it is going out of business, but they kick us out because it's nine o'clock...the group gives me crap because i was talking with one of the store associates the entire time we were in there...they asked if i got her number..sure did...five..
back at the apartment we were all trying to figure out what to do..i randomly picked to play Loser - my favorite board game ever...next to monopoly...so only two highlights were worth mentioning...the first being Gary is probably the biggest loser of all time...he had spelt loser twice before anyone spelt it the first time...and he almost made it to a third...Phil's gf was last to get loser, on a challenge by me...who doesn't like tomatoes or mushrooms?
the second highlight was when i was about to roll the dice when i noticed all the game pieces were all on one square...except mine...on the complete other side of the board, all by itself...again, another fifth wheel reference...i told everyone i was just gonna go kill myself..using the safety scissors of course...
the night eventually winds down...the girls leave one by one...i stick around for a bit, but then decide to go home as well as Gary sits in the car with his gf to be ex soon and Phil is having an argument with his gf on the phone..didn't...didn't they just leave..so i went home...went to sleep...should have had Pat pick up my shift...
i've never actually hung out with Phil before, so it was a night of bonding for us...with gary gone to talk to his future ex girlfriend and passing out on us, it was just phil and i to reflect back onto things...this got me into story mode - i covered everything from scarface to showering with my ex to bringing it back old school with pity party...
phil sat and listened, being wildly entertained by my stories - i hope to one day record them all, jot them all down, somehow get them published one way or another...just because they are something special to me..i also feel it's the best way for me to remember them...it seems like as i get older i keep telling the same jokes and the same stories over and over...i wish i could remember them all..i guess that's what friends are for...
the night grows into morning and we are still awake, i'm still drinking, and we are still exchanging stories..somehow we work into the supernatural and creep ourselves out...lucky for us dawn is breaking as we look at our phones to see it's almost seven in the morning..Phil realizes he has to be somewhere at 8 so he hops in the shower..i give a call to joy to fill her in on the night's events...(i would later find out that she thought i sounded like i was coked out...sooo, i guess that's what i get for being drunk for an entire night and staying up til 7am...)
Let's just say joy is beyond pissed at the ex, i know if she could make it possible, she would have been over in two seconds to kick somebody's ass..she even threatened to come down on sunday to go off on the waste of time, but i assured her, as much as we would both love for that, it was just a waste of energy...
i pass out shortly after Joy ends the call...i'm awoken at 1130 when Gary goes off to get his haircut..i throw up the deuces to let him know i am still alive and roll over, ball up in the fetal position and adjust the hood on my jacket to not let the light in..
a couple hours pass and i decide it's time to wake up..well, i don't really wanna wake up, but i need to do something about the rumbling in my butt that is making my stomach hate me as well...just for future record, hot wings and rum do not mix..so i gather my stuff and head out...as i open the door i am greeted by the afternoon sun, to which i make the comment, "this has to be the brightest it has ever been..ever". i start to close the door behind me when i hear a noise coming from around the corner of the apartment building..my hand hangs onto the door knob as the sound gets closer...somebody's whistling and having a gay ol time....the originator of the noise turns the corner and i realize it's Gary..so i open the door and head back inside...
back inside the noise and commotion of gary and i wakes up phil, and we just pick up where we left off last night...gary's soon to be ex-girlfriend came over shortly after that as well...she gets the name of "soon to be ex-girlfriend" as a funny little joke..see, they aren't dating yet, but any girl Gary dates soon becomes his ex, it's like a revolving door...i can't really explain it..we're all hungry so we decide to go around the corner to Steak N Shake - i know right, it's like 2 pm not 2am and we are eating SnS? wow.
we're goofing off, being that one asshole table who just wants to have fun - the waitress luckily has time for it, but then Phil gets a call and his girlfriend (actual) is coming to join us...now there are two things kinda wrong with this scenario..the first and most present to you is the fact i somehow just became the fifth wheel..but the other part you don't know about is, Phil's girlfriend is...i like to say, special....no she's not retarded, she just is a lot more innocent and holier than thou art...so the swearing has to drop from a ten to a negative two...with her arrival it was like night and day at the table..sure we still joked around, but it was nothing near as bad as when we first arrived...
now i'm not saying this is entirely a bad thing..we all know how i talk out my ass without ever thinking about what it is i am actually saying...i think the most recent ex would agree whole heartedly with that..it's always been something i am made aware of, something i wish i could work on, but instincts are instincts..and i've become a callous asshole throughout my years...so i think that if i can make an effort to not say fuck every other word, i may make a a transition for the better good...
so after our meal it was back to the apartment..this is where things kinda got heavy...so the two guys are just that, guys, and the place is something short of a cluster fuck, typical stuff - similar to TJ's apartment...i don't know how people can live like that, but it's not my place, so i don't care....but Phil's gf does care..and ensued a little fight...
Phil is doing everything he can to meet the gf half way on things - i mean she's a typical girl with her typical issues...i mean in all actuality she's a really good girl, as a person and for him..she makes him want to better himself and she comes off as pretty cool...but in the same breath i will say at times she just needs to get it the fuck together..girls, can't explain them..so i just put my dick in them, joke joke..
well Phil grabs me and we go to Walmart to pick up cleaning supplies, anything to make the gf content...we talk about things, relationships, and we realize from the past almost 24 hours we have spent together, we are pretty close to the same person...we hare similar styles of comedy, we are able to play off one another and have witty banter, it's a change up from the usual people who have been present in my life, i say present as in people i interact with everyday face to face...not my close friends who are reading this getting pissed right now...sheesh
we are back at the apartment and the girl i sporadically dubbed my girlfriend has left..she came over after SnS and to make me feel more acceptable to the group, she was called that..now she is gone..so everyone starts cleaning, phil is trying his best to keep from blowing his top, i'm gently weeping while i play the guitar, offering some sort of cleaning music...i quickly get tuned out when Gary plugs in the ipod.
we spend the next two hours cleaning and rearranging, the apartment is really coming along, it's after 8 and we need a break for dinner...nobody has a preference on what to eat so we just all pile into one car...there's the debate on whether or not to take two vehicles or not..seeings how we have five people...we could either all cram together...or take two and be comfortable..had there been a nice even number, no doubt on what to do..
we change restaurant decisions several times before finally pulling into Pizza Hut..cool, we need a five top, so they pull together a couple tables, leaving six chairs...we start to look at the menu, and for the family meals they have an option for four people, and six people...it's cool, i'll just go fuck myself...
in all honesty i'm just playing around with the fifth wheel thing, honestly it should have some effect on me, what with the loss of my girlfriend and all..i should be a pitiful little bitch right about now...but instead, it's all jokes and rolls right off my back...
after dinner we make a stop at linens n things...apparently it is going out of business, but they kick us out because it's nine o'clock...the group gives me crap because i was talking with one of the store associates the entire time we were in there...they asked if i got her number..sure did...five..
back at the apartment we were all trying to figure out what to do..i randomly picked to play Loser - my favorite board game ever...next to monopoly...so only two highlights were worth mentioning...the first being Gary is probably the biggest loser of all time...he had spelt loser twice before anyone spelt it the first time...and he almost made it to a third...Phil's gf was last to get loser, on a challenge by me...who doesn't like tomatoes or mushrooms?
the second highlight was when i was about to roll the dice when i noticed all the game pieces were all on one square...except mine...on the complete other side of the board, all by itself...again, another fifth wheel reference...i told everyone i was just gonna go kill myself..using the safety scissors of course...
the night eventually winds down...the girls leave one by one...i stick around for a bit, but then decide to go home as well as Gary sits in the car with his gf to be ex soon and Phil is having an argument with his gf on the phone..didn't...didn't they just leave..so i went home...went to sleep...should have had Pat pick up my shift...
"I got her number...what was it...5!"
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
24 Hours to Live..Part I
Damned if You Do,
Damned if You Don't
"Jangus A or Jangus B, which is it gonna be?"
Damned if You Don't
you know...there's a reason why i don't finish writing and post the days events until the next day, then back log the time so it follows my life correctly and makes sense...it seems as if everytime i go ahead and make that post, try to call it a night, something is bound to happen..yesterday was no different.
Cpydi calls it quits chatting with me on aim around 1am...i just want to sleep and really should have been knocked out at this point completly..to the point where nothing should have woke me, not even a text message...but life doesn't work out like that..instead i was up doing the best i could to pass out...my phone goes off a little after 130 with a message of, 'r u awake?' i don't even take notice of who is sending me the text as my phone was sideways and i'm in the numb state from a half working sleeping aid, so i naturally reply, "of course, it's only 130...." - i should have taken a full pill
it was the ex, of course it was, and i was confused as to why i was getting a text from her - call it instinct or whatever, but i knew something was up...so we strike up a conversation, she asks if i'm in bed with my girlfriend - i still don't know where she gets her information from - so i try to just bore her with my anecdote of half a sleeping pill story..it only takes a turn for the worse...
all of a sudden she tells me she hates her life, everything sucks, and it just continues..i'm confused as i have heard nothing but how she has been livin' it up ever since she broke up with me, so this is truly a shock to hear...she goes further in deatail of what's been going on, yet being vague as well...she tells me she misses me, thinks about me everyday, and i'm just like - no..no, do not play those cards....they were supposed to be removed from the deck and not in play, ever...now i just wanna grab my chips and head out before more shit goes down..but again, i'm just in shock...
she tells me that she thought everything was all fun and games, but it's really not, she just wants to die, she tried committing suicide two weeks ago - stop, call me now...she won't, of course not - why would she...she now realizes what she has said to me and is trying to go to bed..she tells me i don't care, i sholdn't care, i don't love her, and all this is not my job...i tell her i do care, i care for her as a person, and although it may not be my job to look after her, i still am compassionate to her well being..i tell her if i didn't care i wouldn't be trying to have her call me at 2am when i have to be up in three hours for work....
of course none of this flies with her...i even go so far as to point out how dare she say i don't care about her when i can throw in her face the fact she has yet to visit my blog...i gave out clear, not instructions, but yeah, instructions on how to let me know she still cared - if yes visit the blog and read about me, because the people who read, care...if not, don't read..i'll know either way..i know it's not going anywhere and make a deal with her..i tell her to call me tomorrow after her one o'clock class so we could talk about things or i would drive down to The Hole and punch her in her face...she doesn't beleive i'll come down, tells me she's not gonna call, and says goodnight for the fifth time...
apparently all the ambien needed was to be circulated into my body with a racing heartbeat...i pass right after the text conversation.
i wake up and i'm comfy, i roll over to go back to sleep, but i feel a little too refreshed, i know i didn't have much time to sleep to begin with, just how much is remaining til my alarm goes off..i find my phone burried in the covers, click on the power button to reveal the time...i have negative fourteen minutes to get to work, coooooool.
i make the call to work as i run into the bathroom..i look at myself in the mirror to check my face, today's the other day and it's on my schedule for me to shave...i say fuck to the shower and shave and just decide to get dressed..
-->side story= As i am almost pulling into my parking lot i get a call from my manager B Hewey, he asks me to go and pick up two loaves of wheat bread, i oblige and head down to the marsh just a mile away..i find it, park, and as i walk into the door, i walk into the door..it doesn't open..i look and see a sign, open at 7..wtf? so i make my way over to the kroger a couple miles north...same situation..are you kidding me?! how are things not open in indy until 7..luckily as i turned back toward the restaurant being defeated by downtown, i saw that walgreens was open 24/7..i went inside and purchased the last two loaves of wheat bread..yay for today...
work is dead, of course, and i leave the place after 3 only because i was talking to a co-worker who came in to sit in the cocktail lounge..one of the few i have time for...i make my way back home, start to wind down, i'm bloody tired, but i check my phone - of course i wouldn't have a call or text, this is a test and it's game on...
i nap knowing i'll need all the energy possible to go forth with this absolutely retarded idea...i eventually wake up, shower, and get ready...i asked my friend Gary to join me in going to Bdubs...he thinks we are going to the one downtown that just opened, i've got a surprise for him...
i meet him at his place, his roommate Phil tells me how horrible of an idea it is to bring Gary, i told him i really needed the back up, because should this blow up in my face as i predict it, i'm gonna need somebody there for reinforcement..he understands that i gotta do what i gotta do and prays for me..
we drive..we drive...not even three seconds on the road and i already want to turn around....this has to be in the top five worst ideas i've ever had and gone through with...i can turn around at anytime...my gut tells me i've got shit for brains..i continue...
we show up to Bdubs at 9, a lot later than i originaly wanted, but her car is still there, so i'm assuming she is too..of course i pull up next to her car and park. we go inside, she's been cut, i tell the host to seat me and tell her she needs to pick up the table, i think i said the line, "for me, she will be uncut". i sit and hide in the booth...what a fucking stupid idea...Gary watches the interaction with the host and buttercup, i hide behind a menu, buttercup doesn't recognize Gary and some random server greets us...
i don't know if buttercup ever really saw me..at one point she came out from the back, got on her tippie toes to look over to our booth to see us, i made eye contact, but there was no emotion from her, she clocked out and walked out with her boyfriend...i send a text saying, "you should have picked up that table"
we enjoy our meal, kinda...our waitress actually sucked - i don't know what it is but that's like three bad servers in a row for me...it's an hour later, i've finished 15 wings, and two double gin and tonics when we decide to leave. i send a warning text to Buttercup, and then make a call....voicemail..i leave one saying i'd call back in 5 minutes so she could have ample time to remove herself from whatever situation she was in to talk to me..i drive around town, seven minutes later i make the call and tell her, in the nicest way possible, to get her stuff this weekend, that is all..
we get back on the highway and head home...i think it went better than expected?
Midway through the drive, Gary receives a phone call..it's from his most recent ex that broke his heart...they haven't talked in well over a month..he answers...he seems calm and cool during the conversation, until the phone closes..then it's a bust of emotion, that which rocks my car doing 75mph....intense...
we're back in indy and not but 2 miles from Gary's place and my phone rings, it's my ex..she's angry, angry at the 'mean' voicemails i sent her, she sounds drunk already on top of it. she questions my calls and my attitude, then questions as to why i came down - because that was the deal i created, no call and i'll come down (to punch you in your face) - she has two responses, "how am i supposed to remember that, i was drunk last night - and two - i don't have to do your every wish, like i did before, and shouldn't have done before...it's a freaking phone call...
i tell her i came down as jangus the human being who cares about the well being of those close to me, not jangus the ex, or jangus hoping to get back together..just jangus the friend...she tells me how she can't be friends with me right now -note, i said that to her two weeks ago and it wasn't ok, now that the words come from her mouth, they are golden....
she hates how contradictory i am - telling me how i always say i hate people, yet here i am saying i am caring and compassionate...i try to explain, yes i do hate people, i hate a lot of things, but the people who are closest to know, even those who don't know me that well, would all say i would give you the shirt off my back, not if you asked, but if i thought you needed it (ties into with me being a hopeless romantic, and yes i will pull over for broken down vehicles) she tries to tell me my at one time good friend Jade would not say that, and in fact would like me dead...
the ex continues to say that she won't be able to come this weekend to get her stuff - i pull the car over and shift it forcibly into park...i bite my tongue..'do you realize i live two minutes off the highway you'll be traveling on this weekend...' she snaps back saying she doesn't have time to carry a TV and fridge by herself...i try to calm myself down, she is really provoking jangus b to throw jangus a out of the way and take over the conversation...
my tunnel vision opens and Gary makes a mention that we are like one block from his place..i gather my senses and continue down the road, continuing the conversation as well. once parked i get out of the car and pace the parking lot, cool, one big open area for me to wander around in while lost on the phone. she ends the conversation saying she has a paper to write, i of course am upset with her always ending the conversation so abruptly, but oblige..she tells me she just wants her stuff back, i tell her to never drunk dial or text me ever again....especially when it's things that she doesn't really mean...she tells me she will never make that mistake again...
i walk inside, all eyes turn to me, a drink is placed in my hand..the night is still young, so don't stop thinking about tomorrow..yesterday's gone, oh, yesterday's gone for sure...
Cpydi calls it quits chatting with me on aim around 1am...i just want to sleep and really should have been knocked out at this point completly..to the point where nothing should have woke me, not even a text message...but life doesn't work out like that..instead i was up doing the best i could to pass out...my phone goes off a little after 130 with a message of, 'r u awake?' i don't even take notice of who is sending me the text as my phone was sideways and i'm in the numb state from a half working sleeping aid, so i naturally reply, "of course, it's only 130...." - i should have taken a full pill
it was the ex, of course it was, and i was confused as to why i was getting a text from her - call it instinct or whatever, but i knew something was up...so we strike up a conversation, she asks if i'm in bed with my girlfriend - i still don't know where she gets her information from - so i try to just bore her with my anecdote of half a sleeping pill story..it only takes a turn for the worse...
all of a sudden she tells me she hates her life, everything sucks, and it just continues..i'm confused as i have heard nothing but how she has been livin' it up ever since she broke up with me, so this is truly a shock to hear...she goes further in deatail of what's been going on, yet being vague as well...she tells me she misses me, thinks about me everyday, and i'm just like - no..no, do not play those cards....they were supposed to be removed from the deck and not in play, ever...now i just wanna grab my chips and head out before more shit goes down..but again, i'm just in shock...
she tells me that she thought everything was all fun and games, but it's really not, she just wants to die, she tried committing suicide two weeks ago - stop, call me now...she won't, of course not - why would she...she now realizes what she has said to me and is trying to go to bed..she tells me i don't care, i sholdn't care, i don't love her, and all this is not my job...i tell her i do care, i care for her as a person, and although it may not be my job to look after her, i still am compassionate to her well being..i tell her if i didn't care i wouldn't be trying to have her call me at 2am when i have to be up in three hours for work....
of course none of this flies with her...i even go so far as to point out how dare she say i don't care about her when i can throw in her face the fact she has yet to visit my blog...i gave out clear, not instructions, but yeah, instructions on how to let me know she still cared - if yes visit the blog and read about me, because the people who read, care...if not, don't read..i'll know either way..i know it's not going anywhere and make a deal with her..i tell her to call me tomorrow after her one o'clock class so we could talk about things or i would drive down to The Hole and punch her in her face...she doesn't beleive i'll come down, tells me she's not gonna call, and says goodnight for the fifth time...
apparently all the ambien needed was to be circulated into my body with a racing heartbeat...i pass right after the text conversation.
i wake up and i'm comfy, i roll over to go back to sleep, but i feel a little too refreshed, i know i didn't have much time to sleep to begin with, just how much is remaining til my alarm goes off..i find my phone burried in the covers, click on the power button to reveal the time...i have negative fourteen minutes to get to work, coooooool.
i make the call to work as i run into the bathroom..i look at myself in the mirror to check my face, today's the other day and it's on my schedule for me to shave...i say fuck to the shower and shave and just decide to get dressed..
-->side story= As i am almost pulling into my parking lot i get a call from my manager B Hewey, he asks me to go and pick up two loaves of wheat bread, i oblige and head down to the marsh just a mile away..i find it, park, and as i walk into the door, i walk into the door..it doesn't open..i look and see a sign, open at 7..wtf? so i make my way over to the kroger a couple miles north...same situation..are you kidding me?! how are things not open in indy until 7..luckily as i turned back toward the restaurant being defeated by downtown, i saw that walgreens was open 24/7..i went inside and purchased the last two loaves of wheat bread..yay for today...
work is dead, of course, and i leave the place after 3 only because i was talking to a co-worker who came in to sit in the cocktail lounge..one of the few i have time for...i make my way back home, start to wind down, i'm bloody tired, but i check my phone - of course i wouldn't have a call or text, this is a test and it's game on...
i nap knowing i'll need all the energy possible to go forth with this absolutely retarded idea...i eventually wake up, shower, and get ready...i asked my friend Gary to join me in going to Bdubs...he thinks we are going to the one downtown that just opened, i've got a surprise for him...
i meet him at his place, his roommate Phil tells me how horrible of an idea it is to bring Gary, i told him i really needed the back up, because should this blow up in my face as i predict it, i'm gonna need somebody there for reinforcement..he understands that i gotta do what i gotta do and prays for me..
we drive..we drive...not even three seconds on the road and i already want to turn around....this has to be in the top five worst ideas i've ever had and gone through with...i can turn around at anytime...my gut tells me i've got shit for brains..i continue...
we show up to Bdubs at 9, a lot later than i originaly wanted, but her car is still there, so i'm assuming she is too..of course i pull up next to her car and park. we go inside, she's been cut, i tell the host to seat me and tell her she needs to pick up the table, i think i said the line, "for me, she will be uncut". i sit and hide in the booth...what a fucking stupid idea...Gary watches the interaction with the host and buttercup, i hide behind a menu, buttercup doesn't recognize Gary and some random server greets us...
i don't know if buttercup ever really saw me..at one point she came out from the back, got on her tippie toes to look over to our booth to see us, i made eye contact, but there was no emotion from her, she clocked out and walked out with her boyfriend...i send a text saying, "you should have picked up that table"
we enjoy our meal, kinda...our waitress actually sucked - i don't know what it is but that's like three bad servers in a row for me...it's an hour later, i've finished 15 wings, and two double gin and tonics when we decide to leave. i send a warning text to Buttercup, and then make a call....voicemail..i leave one saying i'd call back in 5 minutes so she could have ample time to remove herself from whatever situation she was in to talk to me..i drive around town, seven minutes later i make the call and tell her, in the nicest way possible, to get her stuff this weekend, that is all..
we get back on the highway and head home...i think it went better than expected?
Midway through the drive, Gary receives a phone call..it's from his most recent ex that broke his heart...they haven't talked in well over a month..he answers...he seems calm and cool during the conversation, until the phone closes..then it's a bust of emotion, that which rocks my car doing 75mph....intense...
we're back in indy and not but 2 miles from Gary's place and my phone rings, it's my ex..she's angry, angry at the 'mean' voicemails i sent her, she sounds drunk already on top of it. she questions my calls and my attitude, then questions as to why i came down - because that was the deal i created, no call and i'll come down (to punch you in your face) - she has two responses, "how am i supposed to remember that, i was drunk last night - and two - i don't have to do your every wish, like i did before, and shouldn't have done before...it's a freaking phone call...
i tell her i came down as jangus the human being who cares about the well being of those close to me, not jangus the ex, or jangus hoping to get back together..just jangus the friend...she tells me how she can't be friends with me right now -note, i said that to her two weeks ago and it wasn't ok, now that the words come from her mouth, they are golden....
she hates how contradictory i am - telling me how i always say i hate people, yet here i am saying i am caring and compassionate...i try to explain, yes i do hate people, i hate a lot of things, but the people who are closest to know, even those who don't know me that well, would all say i would give you the shirt off my back, not if you asked, but if i thought you needed it (ties into with me being a hopeless romantic, and yes i will pull over for broken down vehicles) she tries to tell me my at one time good friend Jade would not say that, and in fact would like me dead...
the ex continues to say that she won't be able to come this weekend to get her stuff - i pull the car over and shift it forcibly into park...i bite my tongue..'do you realize i live two minutes off the highway you'll be traveling on this weekend...' she snaps back saying she doesn't have time to carry a TV and fridge by herself...i try to calm myself down, she is really provoking jangus b to throw jangus a out of the way and take over the conversation...
my tunnel vision opens and Gary makes a mention that we are like one block from his place..i gather my senses and continue down the road, continuing the conversation as well. once parked i get out of the car and pace the parking lot, cool, one big open area for me to wander around in while lost on the phone. she ends the conversation saying she has a paper to write, i of course am upset with her always ending the conversation so abruptly, but oblige..she tells me she just wants her stuff back, i tell her to never drunk dial or text me ever again....especially when it's things that she doesn't really mean...she tells me she will never make that mistake again...
i walk inside, all eyes turn to me, a drink is placed in my hand..the night is still young, so don't stop thinking about tomorrow..yesterday's gone, oh, yesterday's gone for sure...
"Jangus A or Jangus B, which is it gonna be?"
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sea-Sea's
i always work Monday...
what the effnf?
"said like a little kid...'Teeeeej, your ex-girlfriend is turning me on...tell her to stop"
what the effnf?
today's a nothing day...i got home late last night, i don't work today, but i work tomorrow at 6am...so that doesn't really offer me a lot of time to go and travel like i would...so instead..i do nothing.
i woke up at 10 because of something, but quickly fell back to sleep..i woke again at noon because my phone was going off..the ex texted me last night sometime asking when she could get her stuff...i never replied last night...so she texted me again today at noon...i didn't have time for that, and just silenced my phone...how does it feel...
i may have gotten up shortly after that, but i didn't get out of bed til 130, and that was to use the bathroom...i had nothing on the agenda today..i was so bored i showered. i did a little online stalking, or so i was told by the person i was stalking, and that kept me entertained for a bit..until i got hungry...so i decided to deposit some money in the bank and head out for Cici's pizza
TJ made mention of it yesterday, and i remembering we had one just down the road thought it sounded like a good idea...(didn't i just have pizza on Friday?) TJ also made mention of hating me because i was fucking his ex-girlfriend...ohh the humor...
i ate alone at a buffet..i like that, i like giving myself an hour to enjoy myself with food and maybe a book...they actually have TV's in there, and video games..it's something short of the greatest place on earth...today i brought in with me one of the journals i wrote years ago...i'm probably the only person in the world who can read my handwriting, and at times, it's even beyond me...the one i brought in with me was the one i started at Cedar Point in 2006...
reading over the pages dusted off old memories, refreshed them in an HD format sort of way..as i pieced together the horrible hieroglyphics, images in my head played out like i was right there, reliving every moment..even though i wrote a brief synopsis on the events, my mind put together the rest, adding in conversations, outfits, weather conditions, all the mundane details to make this memory seem real.
i had forgot a lot of things i wrote about...it was the end of may 2006 and i had asked TJ to move to Indy with me...i hated Indy, but we wanted to be near each other and i was over Btown...makes sense now in 2008 why i am here, it all had to do with something that never happened in 2006...
the ex calls..i hit the 'fuck you button' while saying, "don't.fucking.call me" i giggle like a school girl and just repeat it. she doesn't leave a message..what a lameass...
12 pieces of pizza, 4 breadsticks, 2 refills of lemonade, 1 brownie, and 1 cinnamon roll into the evening and i called it quits..i don't think i was full, i was just finished. i made it back to my place, got into my room...i noticed how dimly lit the place was, i hopped into bed, the same place i had been this morning, the same place i am in every day of the week...i didn't want to come back home, but what else was there for me to do..
i wake up to my phone going off..apparently i finally replied to the ex and then passed out, funny...i'm still in my clothes, minus the sandals i wore today - heck even the sunglasses i wore are still on my head..i'm that cool, "i wear my sunglasses to bed"...
i sit up...i am upset now...i just napped and now there is no way humanly for me to go to sleep tonight, i ruined it. it's after 830..i don't want to do a thing right now...i don't feel like reading my journals, i barely get by with blogging....this room has so much bad energy it'll be the death of me
i'm so bored out of my mind i almost want to take an ambien now to just get it over with...the ex will be coming on Friday or Sunday..i tried telling her whenever is best for her, however i won't be here...i want one of my girl friends to be here to punch her in the face, that'd be nice...
the half pill kicks in..i'm giggling at everything while i chew on the string attached to my jacket..cpydi is talking to me via aim, i change my status to reflect that for TJ, but he's away...it doesn't last long enough though...soon after i start commenting on how stupid everything is...apparently that's my go to word...i'm still chewing on the string though...and now i just feel down...i just want to sleep when i am supposed to
i woke up at 10 because of something, but quickly fell back to sleep..i woke again at noon because my phone was going off..the ex texted me last night sometime asking when she could get her stuff...i never replied last night...so she texted me again today at noon...i didn't have time for that, and just silenced my phone...how does it feel...
i may have gotten up shortly after that, but i didn't get out of bed til 130, and that was to use the bathroom...i had nothing on the agenda today..i was so bored i showered. i did a little online stalking, or so i was told by the person i was stalking, and that kept me entertained for a bit..until i got hungry...so i decided to deposit some money in the bank and head out for Cici's pizza
TJ made mention of it yesterday, and i remembering we had one just down the road thought it sounded like a good idea...(didn't i just have pizza on Friday?) TJ also made mention of hating me because i was fucking his ex-girlfriend...ohh the humor...
i ate alone at a buffet..i like that, i like giving myself an hour to enjoy myself with food and maybe a book...they actually have TV's in there, and video games..it's something short of the greatest place on earth...today i brought in with me one of the journals i wrote years ago...i'm probably the only person in the world who can read my handwriting, and at times, it's even beyond me...the one i brought in with me was the one i started at Cedar Point in 2006...
reading over the pages dusted off old memories, refreshed them in an HD format sort of way..as i pieced together the horrible hieroglyphics, images in my head played out like i was right there, reliving every moment..even though i wrote a brief synopsis on the events, my mind put together the rest, adding in conversations, outfits, weather conditions, all the mundane details to make this memory seem real.
i had forgot a lot of things i wrote about...it was the end of may 2006 and i had asked TJ to move to Indy with me...i hated Indy, but we wanted to be near each other and i was over Btown...makes sense now in 2008 why i am here, it all had to do with something that never happened in 2006...
the ex calls..i hit the 'fuck you button' while saying, "don't.fucking.call me" i giggle like a school girl and just repeat it. she doesn't leave a message..what a lameass...
12 pieces of pizza, 4 breadsticks, 2 refills of lemonade, 1 brownie, and 1 cinnamon roll into the evening and i called it quits..i don't think i was full, i was just finished. i made it back to my place, got into my room...i noticed how dimly lit the place was, i hopped into bed, the same place i had been this morning, the same place i am in every day of the week...i didn't want to come back home, but what else was there for me to do..
i wake up to my phone going off..apparently i finally replied to the ex and then passed out, funny...i'm still in my clothes, minus the sandals i wore today - heck even the sunglasses i wore are still on my head..i'm that cool, "i wear my sunglasses to bed"...
i sit up...i am upset now...i just napped and now there is no way humanly for me to go to sleep tonight, i ruined it. it's after 830..i don't want to do a thing right now...i don't feel like reading my journals, i barely get by with blogging....this room has so much bad energy it'll be the death of me
i'm so bored out of my mind i almost want to take an ambien now to just get it over with...the ex will be coming on Friday or Sunday..i tried telling her whenever is best for her, however i won't be here...i want one of my girl friends to be here to punch her in the face, that'd be nice...
the half pill kicks in..i'm giggling at everything while i chew on the string attached to my jacket..cpydi is talking to me via aim, i change my status to reflect that for TJ, but he's away...it doesn't last long enough though...soon after i start commenting on how stupid everything is...apparently that's my go to word...i'm still chewing on the string though...and now i just feel down...i just want to sleep when i am supposed to
"said like a little kid...'Teeeeej, your ex-girlfriend is turning me on...tell her to stop"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)