In the Forecast..

Cloudy minds...
bringing on the helpless haze

and no i'm not gonna start singing in the rain...

There's way too much on my mind to really even try to write a concise blog about one thing..so i give you the hodge podge that is my head right now. I can't even begin to try and wrap my head around one solid thought..everything is spinning a thousand miles a minute..trying to grab onto one of those blurs is seemingly impossible..i'm writing "literary filler", as i call it, to make it appear as if i am actually writing something...absolutely amazing isn't it?

I didn't get any sleep last night, and that's my own fault.. i can never walk away from a situation..i can never let it go til the morn' (or later)..i just can't do that..it's not me, it's not who i am, it's not who i'll ever be. I let my emotions get the best of me, i become fully immersed in whatever situation i found myself in. I allow myself to get all worked up to such extremes it's absolutely ridiculous.

This is probably the only time I ever truly panic. Heavy, increased heart-rate followed by faster breaths..stumbling over words and just repeating those words and phrases that actually do make their way out...any bit of sleepiness no matter how early in the morning seems to vanish and is replaced with bouncing around, trembling, and pacing...lord how i love to pace.

What sucks the most is that the condition only becomes worse as the seconds tick by because the situation is only getting worse...because the seconds are ticking by. I hate fucking up, I hate getting into disagreements, I hate having my feelings and emotions get the best of me..

i hate how my feelings for people can cause me to act like a fool...i don't even know where it comes from...I consider myself to be a pretty smart guy - only because that's what everyone always tells me - but i swear i can do some of the dumbest shit...and 90% of the dumb shit i do is caused by my feelings towards someone else. i get wrapped up in this..state of mind that any and all logic i once had is now gone, out the door...it's like my brain and my heart are in some old western movie and one of them says the classic line "well, this town ain't big enough for the both of us..." - and i don't know what my heart is packing, but my gosh does it always seem to win.

i hate this feeling...i hate most 'feelings', but right now, i feel alone....and not in any control - of course this is coming from the guy who has on countless times up and left everything on a whims.. I think what really brings on all these negative feelings and extreme dislike for everything right now is the loss of life, my life. I hate when a situation arises and i'd have the perfect whatever for it..but it's back in indy, locked up in a storage unit. i hate how everything i used to own, use, play with, etc is locked behind a garage door just sitting there - the metal coffin that houses what was once my life. And it's not just mere possessions in there, it's me..identifying qualifiers of who i am, or was rather...items that made me, me...

it's not materialistic, it's life..and right now i'm holding onto a very small fraction of that...i have no control of what's going on and that also creates issues within my world. i've never been one for structure, or authority, or anything of the sorts..i've always been an individual, done what i've wanted - Now granted, i'm not a law-breaking rebel who rapes, pillages, plunders or whatever let's get that straight - i've just always marched to the beat of a different drummer..my own drummer...

And I know I'm not alone completely..i have friends and family that are supportive, that i can reach out to should i need to (but never do)..why heck, this morning, as lights came on in the squad bay the devil dog to my right, admist rubbing the sleep from his eyes, squinted at me and asked if i got any sleep, to which i replied no, he then went on to say that he overheard me on the phone throughout parts of the night..then asked if everything was ok, if i was ok....other marines have read some of these posts and have inquired about my well being...so i know people care, i'm not trying to say or suggest for a moment that people don't...i'm saying i feel alone, god that doesn't make any sense, but there's no real other way to express it....alone and no control, that's my life

there's just way too much going on for me to try and make sense of any of it..normally i have a grip on most things, but again, i'm losing control in all aspects of my life...i can usually go with not being able to explain one or two things, mainly when it comes to love, but when my entire world is engulfed with questioning..when my entire existence, my conquests, goals, thoughts come under the scrutiny of having doubts and question marks i'm left with nothing to hold onto..the ground from underneath me is slowly giving out and i cannot make sense of my surroundings

is this what drowning feels like...










"I'll run in the rain til I'm breathless, when I'm breathless I'll run til I drop..."

The Write Structure

emotionally charged..
..positive writing?

that's a chemistry joke...get it? like..electrons=emotions...nevermind...

I do my best to write as often as I can...most of the time I want to write I am in no place to do so, no access to a lappy or the internet, or I just do not have but a few seconds, hardly enough time to sufficiently adapt my thoughts to words...

But every now and then comes a time when the stars align; I have the time, the lappy, the internet isn't being a bitch, and last and most important piece falls into place...not just something to write about, but something I'm charged up and wanting to write about.

Just like an athlete, a fighter, a warrior, or someone in a life or death situation gets that sudden surge of adrenaline flowing through their bloodstream which allows them to accomplish superhuman feats, thus is the same for my writing. I know not every day I write is a masterpiece, because not everyday I'm filled with that raw emotion..a lot of days are just blah...but then, something happens, something to get my blood flowing and my fingers pecking..those are the moments when greatness occurs.

However just like redbull gives you wings, it also sends you crashing back down to mother Earth once that sugar rush is over..what's leftover is a slow, lethargic ass dragger of a corpse. Same goes for the writing. I try my very best to stay on topic, to stay on the 'larger' picture or topic, and I do so for a good three-quarters of my rant...but then, the emotional push I had breaks down the flood gates and the real story starts to come out...the last part of the blog post becomes personal, relating back and revealing the subject that brought about the general topic. I start to lose focus, and the once brilliantly crafted piece of work starts to fall apart, in a very similar fashion of that infamous runner (Chris Legh) collapsing at the finish line...

The harmonious structure that once was is no longer; the final words meshing together just as if there was a four year old attempting to play the piano..I apologize for all this. I try to keep everything on track, but the very emotions that made the whole post possible is the same bit of discourse that destroys it.

I hope you all understand this and can bare with me in the future..







"letting my emotions show through means letting my guard down, then you're vunerable to anything...even shitty writing"

3 5imple Rules

if you wanna be my lover..
don't get with my friends..

That'd make you a slut....

It's really a simple concept - just as everyone has heard of the "Golden Rule" (do unto others as you would like done to you) I have a very similar protocol for girls who date me. This is where it gets tricky..instead of one rule, I have three rules...oh nooooo too many!

Now, before I even get started I'm sure many of you are already questioning why I have "rules" - as if I'm some sort of controlling misogynistic asshole..well, that's only partially true, mainly the latter. Again, these are just basic rules that I would like my counterpart to abide by in hopes of keeping the unity of the relationship.

First Rule: In a biblical fashion, love me and only me. I'm not saying you cannot love your parents, family, friends, etc...I'm saying, there is one true god, err love, and at that moment in time I will be it. I'm not playing this "I still have feelings for" or "well I don't know who I love" caught in-between some bullshit and some horseshit..you love me, plain and simple.

Rule Two: Do not lie to me, always tell me the truth, and just communicate. All too often we build up relationships on the rocky foundations of lies and misleadings. Other times we fester up what's really bothering us on the inside and never discuss it with our partner, which leads to pent up anger and aggression, and in some cases, acting out - whether it be in some sort of physicality or wrong-doing/cheating/etc. Talking things out works, it's just rarely done. Getting an understanding of where each is coming from, how they are interpreting information and the relationship altogether, just getting inside the other's head via their own openess and portal made just for you.

It's easier said than done, but it really works...I've never dated a mind-reader nor have I claimed to have ever been one - all knowing maybe, but reading people's minds, that's crazy. You can only see things from their perspective if they are open and talk about...it's a two-way street though keep in mind, you can't hold back..do not be too afraid to approach your partner with a topic as well. This is probably one of the most difficult things to overcome...but once the communication barrier comes down and more and more open conversations are happening, this will be a lot easier, and eventually no topic will be cumbersome to approach.

The Third, and probably most important rule: Do NOT allow yourself to be in a situation that would jeopardize our relationship. The short version, and very ambiguous title, would be; Don't be stupid. This is the very fine line I draw that people say may be considered controlling..I consider it precautionary.

It is a very broad, generalized rule...but consider it like Article 134: The General Article. It's an article of the Marine Corps Laws we have to abide by that states even though whatever you did wasn't covered in the many other articles, it's still not cool and you're gonna get punished for it...Granted my rule isn't that harsh, I suppose it's along similar guidelines.

Just don't be stupid, don't get yourself involved in a situation that would make me question your integrity, your commitment, your value of me to you. For example, I once dated a girl who, one random night at college went out with her friends - no big deal..she drank and got drunk - again no big deal....she ended up staying the night, falling asleep at a frat house - problem.

And so my issue is not that I do not trust her, but of course I will use the complete opposite and cliche argument it's those around I do not trust. for whatever reason that argument is hated on by the female community - no ladies it's not just something we say because we don't trust you..it's literally because we do not trust the other men..because we are men! I think it's completely stupid and haphazard to drink to the point of passing out and deciding to stay at a frat house...the drinks you had were probably spiked with something anyways, and once you pass out in a house of men that are known for being shitheads, lord only knows what's going to happen during lights out....of course we've heard the stories and seen some of the videos..but then again, it's not rape if you don't know...

Other no-brainer, well what i consider to be no-brainer, situations....don't go out on a date with your ex...especially when he has already made it clear he wants you back...don't get into a hot tub with a bunch of guys - i don't care if your best friend jumped in she's probably the slutty one anyways. Only bad things happen in hot tubs...they should call them baby-makers...or vats of vial bodily fluids...(again found at frat houses, lol) And another thing..nothing good happens after 2am . I know this to be true because I've spent many a night out after 2am..in a Barney like fashion (of course I would say good things happen after that hour..but it all depends on which side of the ball you're playing).

Am I uncomfortable with my girlfriend heading out after 2am to hang out with a friend - yes - if she is accompanied by a girl I am still weary, mainly for her safety because again, bad things and bad people come out at those hours. Should she be escorted by the male of the species...little red flags go up. I don't care friend or not, I do not know what is sooo imperative that needs to be addressed after 2am...unless your friend is having a mental breakdown, contemplating suicide, or had a family member pass away..really nothing can rationalize why you're going out..or why he's asking you to go out...((especially if you've already made claim to be really tired three hours prior and have yet another long day ahead of you..speaking from experience? Nahhhh))

***and I'm not getting into guys that are friends/guys want more than friendship blog..some other time..if any***

I know people hang out and do random things at random hours...but if something swims like a fish, smells like a fish, and looks like a fish..it's said to have the characteristics of being fishy...I'm just saying these are some of the things that would make me question the legitimacy of the relationship on your end. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I believe everyone until proven otherwise, I expect them to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth..I expect them should they ever find themselves in a relationship with me that I take it seriously, that if I have made a commitment to them I'd expect the same in return...if I make the leap and say I love you, I mean it, and I love only you..and I would not do anything to make you question that..

I wouldn't sleep in another woman's bed (unless she wasn't there), I wouldn't think about another person in any way that I think about you, I'd want you to trust me like I trust you, but I wouldn't push your limits and boundaries..I'd want to make the relationship comfortable..I'd want there to be no question of faith..trust...desires

To whomever said "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission" obviously was the person who fucked up...

"No one has ever loved anyone, the way everyone wants to be loved."

Just Nothing

when good enough..
..isn't good enough

putting the 'bla' in blue35tuesday...

I'm not feeling this...any of this...after a second day of libo, second day of (kinda) doing what I wanted, wearing what I wanted, being who I wanted to be, I feel blaaa. It was shortly after returning from the gym and eating chow when I felt this discontent with the world. This feeling would only grow on me as the night dwindled down to a close.

Maybe it was the fact of dealing with the engine/trans issues that have been lingering on since...after boot..maybe because my $20,000 vehicle has been sitting and rusting away since Feb of this year...maybe because even after all is said and done I won't have the money to deal with the shitty situation..maybe because this situation - as a whole - i mean everything -- is not to my liking.

I'm not enjoying my time in guard - the man who could turn any situation into something enjoyable is apparently losing his touch it would seem. I hate how we [guard] get blasted like we are still recruits..we don't get the freedom or privileges that even ITB is getting..and I hate fucking up

Getting called out on shit upsets me, not because those who are doing the calling out are picky sons-of-bitches that really need something better to do than take our their mommy neglecting them when they were children issues out on me..but rather because I failed. I hate failing.

All throughout my childhood I've always been in the top percent on anything I did (except swimming, but who the fuck cares about that...) I guess once my name got out that I wasn't the run-of-the-mill child I got away with more and more...Example was back in highschool, I was interested in applying for the Advanced Placement U.S. History class. In order to get selected you had to write an essay on a certain drawing or something along those lines, yeah, it as like an application process pretty much. Regardless I wanted to know what the course was like so I went and talked to the teacher for a little bit. After the discussion I decided that I would apply for the class. So one week later I turned in my essay and as I am doing so the teacher looks at me baffled..he asks me what I was handing him, I explain my application..to which he tells me that all I had to do is say I wanted in and I got it...

Here I haven't amounted to anything yet, and more than likely I will not make a career out of this...I actually see myself using my MOS skills and security clearance to become one of those defense contractors...and make six figures...Yes, money is the answer to 99.9% of questions and problems. I'm just trying to figure out what that other .1% is...

Maybe I'm beating myself up, maybe not...you are you're own worst critic they say. Well, maybe I'm not as harsh as my mother who said my blog wasn't anything worth reading - lol. Yeah she said this to me over my boot leave but in a conversation we had last night she doesn't recall it...I guess she reads this tripe and actually likes it...I can't think of anyone who really doesn't enjoy this little blog

Even you, yeah you..secretly reading away checking on my every move..seeing if I'm doing something else 'stupid' - welcome to the reality that is my life. You can read away..I'm just someone else, but a lot more interesting..and maybe if you were to actually know me..you wouldn't hate me? Of course I cannot make any guarantees on that, you either love me, hate me, or love me then turn to hating me. So I suppose anything is possible...you'll see, if you haven't already as you've read deep into my psyche, that I'm really not that bad of a person and I've never meant any harm..it's just a really fucked up situation and it's hard to make sense of it.

I hate sounding all emo and shit, and this blog really doesn't need that type of misdirection, but sometimes that's the only time I want to write...It may not be my best writing, but it's something out there...and I know not every day I can write, some days you're on, some days you're off - granted I'm on more often than not ;-)

I miss things..I miss photography..I miss TJ..I miss living my life.







"you always seem to make something good great"

Alright..

I'm gonna do my best..
and by best i mean this..

which is just pressing my fingers on this keyboard here...

I'm fighting off sleepiness trying to put thoughts to text here and i'm failing at a very interesting rate. I'm on standby, was just called a dick because i'm passing out in one of the "prime spots" granted there's only me and another guy here in the computer area...had this been during the busy hour i could see an argument..but 1800 on a sunday? what the eff ever.

i should be sleeping..this is technically my sleep time and i won't be getting much for the next couple of days..it's the frickin' fourth of july, I'm a Marine, and I'll be working on it...laaaaaame. Any other Marine in the US gets full 96 (96 represents the number of hours we get off for liberty..96 is a four day weekend) but not for us..we have to...guard things?

You know, any time I have had to work on the fourth i have hated life more than anything...and it wasn't until 2006 i vowed to never work on the fourth again....

in 2004 i was working at a restaurant, on a "double". I worked my lunch shift and then went on a break..trying, pleading to get cut for the night. So when i returned back to work for my dinner shift i noticed i wasn't on the floor plan.I got my wish, or so i thought...that was hardly the case. Instead I was part of an "elite" group who were on *cough* standby *cough* Yes, standby..the equivalent of restaurant purgatory. So me and a few other employees sat in a booth together, albeit complaining, waiting...and waiting...just in case we were needed..just in case we got that rush - of course anyone who's ever been in the industry read those last lines with such cutting sarcasm that cannot accurately be replicated in any stale form of writing...

Long story short i eventually got the cut and was able to make it to my Fourth plans and watched some fireworks..yay

in 2005 i only had to work the lunch shift, all was well...but in 2006, that had a moment of history that would change the course of time from then on out. I was working at the Johnny Rockets in Cedar Point (America's Rockin' Roller Coast), my first season. It was already a tumultuous season and this was hitting the half-way point for most of the crew. I worked on the fourth, a double, because at that time, I didn't care about anything, I was just there for the ride...oh how quickly all that would change.

People remember such mundane things like their first kiss, first baseball game, whatever...servers...we remember our first walk-out. On July Fourth in 2006, after 3 years of providing service for others in the form of a waiter I had my very first walk-out. Let me explain the situation...it's the evening, sun has gone down fully, and the park is coming to a halt. The restaurant is nearly dead, but then a group of teeny bopper girls come into the building, of course it's my turn to get sat as i just cleared out my section...I take the order, expediting them, trying to get them the fuck out so i can watch the fireworks...

As the first booms go off I make my way outside...it's not too long before my server clock kicks in and tells me my guests food is about to be up..waiting just a few more explosions later I hurriedly make my way into the restaurant, grabbing up the burgers, half-n-halfs, and chicken fingers, and delivering them to the table...staying in the restaurant to make my one minute/one bite check back i can peer outside and see the reflections of the exploding fireworks lighting off the surrounding buildings, grounds, and rides. After the checkback I rush outside just in time to witness the grand finale. It's in moments like those when you can really lose yourself from the reality you are living in, that's why I needed to see those fireworks..to remove me from what it was I was doing with my life...

After all that was finished, the crew made their way from the back alley, through the restaurant, and to the front..it was time to put on "our" show...apparently because we had an almost empty restaurant we had to get people in..and what did we do to do that..dance. Our management team had the brilliant idea to make us dance to all 10 songs...of course, we didn't know this going out there..

After the first song fades out we about face and start to make our way back in, which is when and where we were greeted by said management team to turn back around and continue til further notice...by the third song most of us are confused, looking around...in the middle of the dances i keep turning around to check on my table..again, server instincts are kicking in..

I'm not allowed to go back into the restaurant, managements orders - heck i even tried at one point - i was met with a hand and a finger..there was no winning this battle..all i could do is try to keep my eyes on them, even though my back was turned the entire duration. The last song and dance wrap up and i hastily make my way in the restaurant, dashing to my table where i find nothing..no people, no money, just some of the garbage left behind that a busser was just then cleaning up..

I was just walked-out on...I could no believe it...what makes this story even better was the fact I had just had conversations with another co-worker a week prior to this instance about how I never had a walk-out in my serving career..I took pride in the plus karmatic state i was in, oh how the mighty will fall.

Of course the first thing I did was to call that very co-worker up with the details, and the second thing I did was I made that vow..to never work on the fourth again, i was over it. I couldn't allow myself to be working, at an establishment, on a god forsaken holiday...i didn't see the sense and could not comprehend how ignorant people and corporations could be..

then I went to work for a place that was open 365 days a year, but let's not go into that...Even there I was able to get the fourth off and continue on with my life as scheduled...

Now I'm working for a government agency, the frickin military, and I am not even rewarded with getting..not just any holiday, but the nation's independence day off...so thank you...thank you everyone..thank you to those who will be celebrating under the blanket of security i am providing for you and those who have come before me..who have to and had to work on the fourth...

cocksuckers.









"Me- Those fucking black bitches just fucking walked-out on me!!!
Manager- Oh, they just have to be black eh?!
Me- Yeah, because if they were any other color they would have paid their fucking bill!"