I Hate

this....
and this....

but really,

yay, its a post at night, as i promised..because i keep my promises, i hold true to my word and i don't like to lie...you know, that's right, i don't like to lie - sure, tell fibs, joke, make sarcastic remarks, but straight out lie...well, i guess the better part of my life is one big lie then...

i'm tired of being everyone's dirty little secret, of being the lie, the forgotten - wait i can handle that last one - what i really fucking hate is in the autobiography of ever fucking person i've ever known, i'm just some fucking deleted footnote, the "and between the months of April through October there was a time of no importance where all the time possible was spent with a certain someone who shall remain nameless"

i look back onto my past relationships, you know the ones where i turned stone into marble for those bitches, and the least they could do is pay a little respect to me in return, but instead i get shunned, as if i was the one to blame for how they turned out now..minus the cool parts! i look back and, well, they don't. they forget about how i helped them overcome their self-consciousness, or to break free from something that was plaguing them, get over irrational fears...nahhh, that's not what i am here for...

instead, when those fucking cunts look back on their lives and reflect about me, it's some horrid and graphic display of how i did them wrong..but that's a sad side story - i'm not playing the victim card, so help me, i just want people to wake the fuck up....

as an additional side not i'd like to mention that all those girls whom i've helped prior get over what ailed them, turning shit into gold, somehow end up fucking it all up after they discard me out of their lives..they turn right back around, down the hill, and complete the cycle back to shit....way to blow a-holes...

but let's get back on track...i've been drinking makers...and when i drink mark i start in with that, "Frank Sinatra, she shot me down, give me a cigarette, King of Sad" thing. i had a drink tonight and it catapulted me back four years ago to a time and a place i didn't want to remember...remember how i hated crying, yeah, this is right up there (probably cuz i cried - SHUT UP)

i hate being lied to - i remember as a kid growing up i believed in everything that everyone said. i didn't understand the concept of being lied to, i was pegged as gullible. people could tell me their dad was some crime-fighting super hero and i'd beleive them...until i started to get smart...then i realized a lot of what people said was full of shit, further proven by their actions. what's sad is as i've gotten older and gotten wiser, i've been able to see through people's deceitfulness, their lies, their awkwardness, and have known better; i still give people the benefit on the doubt and believe in them. i mean come on, i've got a degree in social engineering (ask me about it) but yet i still wanna believe in the goodness of mankind and believe that people aren't straight up lying to my face...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg on what's fucked up - But I just think good things will happen, if you are a good person with a good attitude, don't you think..sofia said that...people use me, i said that. people see the great potential i have and either wanna make me harness it, or use it for their own good.....the bad part is, i never use it for my own good....i'm like some secret weapon that somehow the bad guys get ahold of and somebody tries to win me back....but of course i'm oblivious to what is really going on and am just happy to be apart of the ride...

i don't get how i let people use and abuse me, i'm not stupid, but yet i get caught up in the whirlwind fantasy that people are all good...."half the people can be part right all of the time..some of the people can be alright part of the time..but all the people can't be all right all the time...i think abraham lincoln said that..."

fantasy....that's my life, that's how it's always been....i used to believe in shit like Santa, and if i was a good person good things would happen to me, be a good student and the doors would be open, the world is your oyster.....well, i'm salty from the lies. i'd rather be given no hope than more than a chance....at least with no hope i'd have something to overcome...with more than a chance i feel it is owed to me..well, i've come to realize nobody owes anything to me....and that has left one huge fucking chip on my shoulder...

i just want things to make sense...but, again..it's closure i seek, it's the endings i hate...i want something i'm afraid of, yet i'm able to lay it all on the line..










"I'll let you be in my dreams if i can be in yours, i said that..."

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forget about the post as soon as you're finished...

ok, let's see how to do this...it's early, and by early i mean it's sometime shortly after i woke up, which means it's nine in the afternoon. there's a reason i don't write in the morning, errr when i wake up - it's because i can't think straight. all my thoughts are cloudy. i remember being back in school and teachers giving us weird statistics about why we were taking the ISTEPs in the morning, how our brains functioned better...i bet you if i were to take those damn tests at midnight i would have rocked out, but whatever.

there's a lot on my mind...just give it another 9 hours and i'll be able to say something, until then it's a big blob of thoughts...and over time it grows, it shapes, and in the end turns into something..

and i keep distracting myself, so this isn't even making sense...but i'm pushing through, i'm doing it, because that's just what i do..now i may not have much, but i have more determination then any man you're ever likely to meet. some call it being stubborn, strong-headed, or just plain stupid..i just call it living my life...

alright, that's all i got for now....apparently i need to punch someone in the face for making this monday suck balls..and not my balls, i wished my balls were being sucked..then today might not be so bad....










"There's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost... the ship has sailed and only a fool would continue. Truth is... I've always been a fool."

2 Months

but what the heck...
..it's november...

and i'm a little drunk

Who wants a post?!?! ok, don't answer...i've been doing this daily booth thing for y'all every day..it's like an awesome mini blog..of sorts...it's like twitter as in i get to write a blurb, i get to add a picture, and in my picture i add a caption..with stitch as well...sounds great eh?

thought so...

it's november, and just as a self fulfilled prophecy is, it's sucking. i'm only eleven days into this mess and it's beyound a shit show...yes i just said this goes to eleven and yes i used a u in beyound...

you know, the other day i waited on a guy who questioned where i was from...he wanted to play that game...he guessed africa, australia, and everywhere else...fuck, i thought he was gonna go states, but he went for the countries....he was thrown off by a certain dissertation in my voice, that doesn't make sense, he was thrown off by how i was saying things...i explained to him i mimic everyone i am around all day long..i can do impressions of literally everyone - it comes from having a keen sense of observation and trying to mock all noises you heard as a kid, go figure...yes, i was the kid who made siren noises and barked like a dog because i wanted to sound as close as possible to it.

as i said it's november..this is how i handle things...i keep them inside...the mere fact i am blogging right now is a fucking miracle - the fact i am cursing a lot isn't surprising....don't want shit, don't start no shit then...yes i just used a double negative, yes you can fuck off.

i get angry when i drink..at times...i guess it comes with the territory....i mean mood or month or something...i'm rambling..

you know what i hate, emotion. mother fuck emotions. if there is one thing i'd rather live without it'd be emotions...i don't like it when people cry, i don't like it when people are all in my face happy, and i especially don't like it if i become one of those people...i cried tonight...i felt like a fucking pussy - not because crying is gay, but because it's below me. i didn't cry when TJ passed away, but on;t because i was expecting it...throw me a wrench and i break down, i fucking hate that...i hate losing control, i fucking hate defeat..

someone told me i was still hung up on my ex, you know, the fucking bitch who still owes me 6k - and i'm not saying she owes me six letter K's, i mean six to the thousand dollars ..yeah, not hung up on her as so much i'm hung up on the fact that i failed...i tried, actually tried to get her back - even though i knew it was stupid, i knew we weren't supposed to be together and hell, i actually initiated the breakup - what i can't get a grasp on is the fact that i fucking tried and i failed...i wasn't good enough, i couldn't win..i was a fucking loser..

would i be happy with her now, who the fuck cares, probably not, i'd probably be trying to break up with her again because i talk to fast using words she doesn't understand...you want a grading scale for women try this...take her IQ, subtract her weight, if it's positive you're golden....

i hate dumb bitches like i hate...whatever..emotions? go with that one again...my mouth tastes like a night at louies...where the fuck is the dumb bitch in my bed this evening..

you know what i hate...i hate the fact i wanna write my thoughts down about everything right now...but there's sooo many different parties that would fucking eat this shit up that i just couldn't deal with that...how dare i publish what's going on in my life for others to read...

which leads me into my last thought, i hope....a co-worker of mine found out something random about me and stated he wanted to write a book about the mysterious enigma that is The Jangus - to which i replied if you were to do that, either a lot of pages would be blank, or if the truth got out, a lot of people would riot - i'll keep myself as the deleted chapter in everyone else's lives and fade away...

so here you go..it's november, so if you like me, do me a favor and fuck off til december...i don't want to deal with anyone or anything at the moment because i'll break...self-fulfilling maybe, my reality at the moment, yes.










"you want me to promise you something that's happening in June, i can't even commit to next week...."