Don't Come Around Here No More...

well let's see...i've got readers here that are worrying about the quality of this here blog...well i don't know what to say, i do what i do and it's what i'm giving, so take it while it's on the table before it changes into some dikey whore like we've seen all too often before...

alright, off that tangent whereever it was going.....got home 'round 830 or so, of course got online and was pleasantly invited to go to church, and after thinknig abou it, new guy preaching and whatnot, decided to give it a whirl, it's been awhile since i heard something descent come from the church..it's like i need a preveiw guide to know what's going to be preached about before i go, that would make my turnout a lot better, but this gambling on a whims shit, it's for the birds...so i arrived at 9:05, the person i was supposed to walk in with was already in, and to top that off, as if i'm not nervous enough, somebody was there....hell i didn't actually think she was gonig to be there, but damn, the sight of her closed the door in my mind and i got back in the car and went home..where i passed out..

when i awoke many hours later i grabbed the leftover turkey dinner thing my grandma sent with me out of the microwave, yeah i forgot about it until i finally woke up....my voice has came back a little more, but singing to my guitar playing has probably scared it some more...yeah i've been having fun just playing random shit on the guitar, it's like my escape from the sick world once i put that six string on my lap..sorta sounds sexual....

anyways...in front of my computer is the only place i can sit and actually keep my eyes wide open...i've got a lot of movies that i boguht, ok, maybe like 8 or something, but still i want to watch them everso much, but i'm not capable of staying awake, damnation..speaking of movies we were talking about actresses the other night and who is cute and this and that, don't ask me, i was the third wheel in the conversation...then mentioned is penolope cruz, damn....of course i feel some obligation to stick up for her, probably because i have so many times before...but that started a whole controversy and in depth longing conversation...you know what a good movie would be to watch..vanilla sky, yeah i want to see that...but do i watch these movies alone...something i am used to, or do i share them in the company of another....ehh we'll see....

got my whopper tonight, because it is whopper wednesday sunday, and chatted briefly with the clapp...i get the feeling she doesn't like any reference to her in here...which means she's reading, hmmm..anyways

so thus ends the week of people being in town, everyone has packed up and left to their respective places or torture....some i wish to see soon, but knowingly well i won't, others i just want to tell them to fuck off, pardon my language...but it's true, some people think when they come back to town, everybody will wait hand and foot for them..well it isn't true, matter of fact, we are probably happoer that you left, and will wait on you hand and foot to see that you never return...how's that one for you, bursts your little bubble of self importance...yeah, but i know the people who that is directed to will not read this, and i will go on hating every moment and not being able to sleep because i know they are running free in northwest indiana...leave

well it's the last post of the month, wow, and so we move on....leave you with a quote, it'sa running theme..."And the Phantom's shouting to skinny girls "Get Outa Here If You Don't Know Casanova is just being punished for going To Desolation Row"

Sickly Quotes....

alright, so I'm talking on AIM, like usual, and I'm sick and don't give a damn, so my conversation is going off the wall, and I'm sure the first half will become a post later, but right now I'm on this one...

G: so, any questions for me?
M: did you know that sexual intercourse, basically orgasming, can help keep you healthy and avoid sickness
G: no i did not
M: yeah, something like the act creates white blood cells which help fight off disease and sickness
G: well i am free this weekend....

you see, the first two pieces there are funny because I was just finishing typing that the thing about sex as she sent the "got any questions for me" so it fell right into place even though I was being completely random...

I thought it was funny..and it reminded me of a time when I was once loved, but now that is not the case...how sad it is to be sick and depressed, now it's time to listen to my freewheelin' bob dylan cd....an album cover that moved me defining true love

Tired and Sick....
or is it i'm sick and tired of...

ohhh, once again it's that time of the year to be sick....I hate it. I don't even know why I am sick or how I got sick...I'm not working myself to death like years before, nobody around me has been sick, I have not been out in the cold for periods of time, I mean hell, my car has an automatic starter on it so I can preheat it...grrr

so yesterday, all day, I slept, that was all I could do...I did wake up at times, ramble off things, maybe even get up and do something quickly, but everytime I would do that I would find myself back in bed..and even as I tried to lay there awake I would say to myself, it feels better with your eyes closed, and then like a light I was out...

speaking of rambling..this is good.....so everybody knows how they can mess with me when I'm sleeping, asking me anything and getting the truth out of me, I spill everything they want when I'm sleeping..and also I'm more susceptible to doing things when I'm sleeping, people used to call me up and ned me to do something and be damned if I didn't do I.....so couple all that with being sick...talk about a state of not caring....so whenever I awoke I would freely ramble out information, true feelings thoughts, this and that, it was really bad....it could be to anyone who walked by or to myself, just babble on...it's probably good that nobody was really paying attention, it got really sad and depressing at parts..and I'm just glad I don't actually go through and do things when I'm sick...I wanted to call people yesterday to ramble to them, but thankfully the phone was out of reach, but I can just imagine if it wasn't....

yeah, being sick really messes wit my head, I just said it was whopper wednesday...but it also makes me not care about anything....people fucking around at work, I don't care..things in the wrong spot, I don't care...hell even I have slacked off at work because of it..this not caring thing isn't cool..it's not natural for me just to look over things without a care...I probably be posting anything now or in the future, I might say things that shouldn't be said, but whatever, excuse whatever I post.....

and remember last year when I made that voicemail saying how sick I was and asked for people to bring me soup and oj...yeah I should do that again, but I know nobody would listen..those who did last year are no longer around, both in body and mind, so it would just be a unheard dying plea....well that's all for now, goodbye

You Fucking Insecure Bitch....
Control and Manipulation....

So this is my post about Thanksgiving Dinner.....it was incredible to say the least, I had a great time, and better yet, day. I came back to Lowell and crashed from being tired from working the night prior..then I got some calls, enough to wake me but not answer on time. I retrieved voicemails and started getting my day going...

yeah I did laundry on that day believe it or not..but then as loads were finishing up went over to mike's house for some grub...they don't like turkey so they had chicken, suits me just fine, had my lunch or whatever you may call it there, I enjoyed it..we sat around and played yahtzee or some crap, didn't understand what was going on, but I didn't get last, I suppose that's all that matters...the packers lost to detroit, pitiful, and as 4 came round I realized I blew off dinner at my grandparents, so I made my call to them, note that they didn't call me at all, and just explained to them how I was tired and missed it, told them I would be up there in a day or two to eat and whatnot..yeah my grandma was upset a little....

then I sat around, looked through the sale paper which I had to pick up at 6am when I arrived in town..mapped out my plan of attack, writting down where to go, what to get from where and everything, I'm so crazy like that....killed some time before zach called me and invited me over to eat at his family's place..so I headed on over there and that's when everything seemed to fall into place...

I remember having thanksgiving over there last year as well, maybe I was a little nervous or felt out of place then, just a bit maybe, but nothing of that came up then..maybe it was the alcohol, ha..but seriously, I felt like part of the family, I had my assigned chair, hell yes the one with arms on the end and I could casually converse with anyone in the family as I pleased....if anything, this was family to me, I forgot about blowing off my grandparents, not being able to eat with certain people, other families, I was one with the family that night..I don't know how to explain it..and even though the oven door fell off, that just added to the real family experience of it..hell I hope to have thanksgiving there every year...andi can just imagine taking a would be girlfriend over to meet "my" family and going there..haha

but yeah dinner was excellent, smacking the jello tradition, saying what you were thankful for, conversing with zach and his family, it was a wonderful experience....one thing that sticks out is I respired a place for mashed potatoes, thinking that there were some, maybe because that's something my family always used to have and I thought I was in that realm, but when I asked for them they said there were none, but they'll make them next year for me, ha.

then after dinner it got a little crazy...I got several calls throughout the evening, and dinner as well, sorry, but people were requesting our presence, mostly zach's, but they wanted to get together and visit, chat, drink coffee, and smoke it up..but in lies the problem that zach has to go back to Lafayette that night because Anne and her mom drove him up, went to Hammond to have thanksging, and were returning...so we had 45 minutes to do the meet and greet, then rush off...our first stop was jimmy c's....there is were time was killed....Dilemma part two arouse when jimmy made plans earlier to go to the mall of America..and he really didn't want to go....so if zach were to stay in town, jimmy would re-nig on his plans and also stay...time started crunching, last minute deacon....and zach "knew" he had to go back, so then jimmy was forced to stick with his original plans....

zach knew we lost a lot of time at jimmy's and wanted to head back, but there was still one more stop that needed to be taken...I flew him there, we ran in, said hi's to everyone, even though we walked into a morgue it seemed..everybody dead from the turkey or something, but zach and I were just rearing to go...so after the quick chatting, I once again grabbed zach, rambled off some crap, and we left and headed back to zach's...no sooner did we pull in and get in the door, did Anne and her mom drive up as well...we just made it, damn I'm good, he he...

so we acted naturally, all was good for the rest of the night, more talking, well, not everything was "good" persay, but yeah....zach's dad, zach, and I had a nice man chat, it was really cool to just stand there and chat up certain things....hell, we kept drilling zach which was funny, he knows what we're talking about, love ya...but the night ended and zach and his group left (zach maybe with his tail between his legs...) but they left around 11..and here's the funny thing, he left standing on the one half, while I stood with his parents and said goodbye from there...he left, and I was still there, his family and I chatted it up for the rest of the evening....I think it was 2 am or so before we all decided to call it quits and head to bed..then it was my turn to leave....it was really interesting just talking with zach's parents, and he wasn't even there, though he was the main topic of conversation....

yeah, main topic of conversation, would have to labeled under love...with the undertones of woman are evil, or how about insecurities, control, manipulation, jealousy, selfish, stubborn, all or nothing...and I could continue...yeah it was good to talk and have other reflect their opinions on the subject...we all came to the same conclusions and basically agreed with each other....it was quite the experience, and i loved every second of it...the day was great, the family essence, talking the shit up with people, wow...

Shopping....
Like a MadMan

oh hell yes..where to begin....shopping was a blast..i want to do this every year..and maybe i'll invite some people with me as well..yeah i got a couple calls, "shopping, without me.." so yeah, i didn't think anyone would want to be bothered at 6am wanting to go shopping on the craziest day of the year....

but yes, as i said it was a blast...best buy took the cake though, even at 2 they still had a line forming outside the building for people just trying to get in! yeah crazy shit....Let's see, where did i go...i went to Best Buy, Circuit City, Target, JC Penny home store, American Sales, K-Mart, Meijer, and of course the mall.....

I wandered around all these places, and went back to lowell around 3, but headed back up there only hours later with people this time, it was amazing...it was on the second or third trip into the stores i actually started buying things...

Mike L met me up at the mall and we cruised it from 12 to 2, good goff was it something else...there were a lot of people, and a lot of girls, he he..but the funny thing is, i put this into a mathmatical equation of sorts, even though there were a lot of people there, the number of actual hotties didn't significantly change..granted for every 10 girls there are 1 to 2 good looking ones..but that can't be double necessarilly..if yo have 100 girls, you aren't going to have 20 good looking ones..so there really isn't a ratio for it, i guess it's prety girls are far and few between, but anyways...

didn't see lowell people at the mall, surprising enoguh, but i saw a girl that looked like the "perfect" girl from Love Actually, she's also in Pirates of the Caribean..she was working at some chocolate place, yeh mike was buying chocolate as christmas gifts, what a jack....then there was a girl that partly looked like brooke, and gave me the i'm going to look away and not talk to you because i'm too good for anyone look, which made me believe it was her even more..and ten there was a girl with a pink hat on with dark curled hair coming out from under it that sorta looked like Kodee, tried chasing her down, but to no avail...

and my only gripe for this time of year, this day in particular, is leave your kids at home...this is a grown-ups day, people are psuching and shoving and kicking and screaming, i can endure all that, but those damn kids running around, stroller pushing mothers, damn people, leave them at home because leashes won't work....

but i loved the traffic, the crowd, everything, for some reason i didn't get all freaked out and hyperventilate like i should have, probably because i had no reason for anything and could just go with the flow..even best buy didn't do it to me, and that's a given whenever i go in there...speaking of best buy saw barcus working, he was happy and i was happy for him...oh and we saw kelly willis at best buy, and as we went over to k-mart, guess who was pulling in as well, kelly willis, damn stalkers....

so that was the extent of my day, we eneded it with a trip up to RtC to meet up with Vince and Andy, it was good......hell even the people i had with, though they know nothing of vicne or andy or our inside jokes, had a good time being there, i enjoy people and their company..

so things i bought, got some DVD's, a couple CD's, meijer ruined any shopping experience i had, damn them to hell..still with the hating meijer vibe, glad i screw them with the can return...but yeah, the slot machine thing is just awesome, for $30 more i can convert it to quarters, hell yes money maker.....construction on the "game room" will begin shortly...

Hell Yes Holidays...

So it's 5:30 and you might be asking, Jason, what the hell are you doing up so early on your day off....well to be honest with you, i didn't get much sleep last night either..but anyways, i'm going shopping, that's right you heard me, i'm heading out to the lands of high and merr...i don't care if i actually buy anything i just want to be apart of the hustle and bustle, i want to be poked, proded, pushed, shoved, dismembered, thrown in walls, fight the traffic, hell maybe get into an accident...no rhyme or reason, just because..circuit city, best buy, target, meijer, the mall, just some places....getting up there now to do so, so hell yes to sales!

Happy Frickin' Thanksgiving....

Alright, well i was going to go off on some rant...probably entailing the fact I have nothing to be thankful for, and damn right, because i really don't....but the spirit of the holidays must have caught up with some people and i feel somewhat loved.....yeah if i didn't get those phone calls today from people asking me to come over to have a turkey dinner...how lovely...well i still have nothing to be thankful for, besides some people, but yeah, nothing, everything sucks, so be i..i'm off to eat some food with special people....not including family......

it's funny how certain things can turn this little crooge around, people calling to see how i am enlargens mny heart like the Grinch's...yeah, bah humbug, but i'm in a happy mood because people like me, or feel bad for me, or just give a damn during the holidays..so be it, enjoy your feasts...

Getting Over the Hump....

Do i have anything going on..any updates..hmmm.....well i went over to the Clapp's house the other night, delivering a CMA which angered Madeline, but as i said, don't kill the messenger..And even though she came at me with a knife, I got a nice homecooked meal out of it. gotto ove those clapp's for the simple fact i get fed every time i come over, call it good timing for once, but i enjoy it. toni and i conversed about many a thing, it was interresting..ohh and for a side note, she was wearing a skirt, ha....

so i was told to make my blog interesting again, spice it up, anger some more people...i responded saying it's just a record of my lively events, be them boring, that's life, but i won't make up things to please the readers, probably why i have so few, but it's not a book, it's an accurate detail of what's going on in my head and life...blah.....

And then i got to realizing i haven't been updating my Xanga, shame on me...but as i said before, the two journals are a reflection of my moods and what's going on in my life...it's just at the time when the blog is seeing more attention than the xanga...and it was vice versa at one time (i remember getting yelled at by Zach for that...see where that got me...)and then there was a time when they were neck and neck, both geting updated every day, that was brilliance in online journal form, if you were reading both at that time you will too know how well they complemented each other, it was amazing, i loved it...

which makes me realize what time frame that was...the best journal posts came in August/September...and that's when the blog and xanga were duking it out as well...but now that i think even more about it, things start falling into place...my most creative works, my stories, poems, songs, posts, anything reaches it's peak during that two month time period, just like my depression hits in november every year...to think about it, November's depression is the begginning, or ending depends on how you look at it, of the year for me..i go through that phase, i make it out alive, all the months then just build up to august and september when it all busts out in an explosion of brilliance in anything i do....just like those posts from this year, my song which vince liked and said was actually good was made mid-september....so tis just further proves my theory that my life is a complete circle..i guess this gives me reason to look forward for next year to see what i can do.....

Crazy...Quotes for the Crazy....

alrighty....so I noticed, as I went back and started to read past posts, that there are a lot of funny things in there..but you know what....more than 90% of my readers wouldn't get it, it's too subtle even for them...it's so well hidden it seems to fit in flawlessly with the rest..well sorta...I mean my writtings aren't the most coherent pieces of bloggage either...

I think to fully understand everything I type in there, to get all the hidden meanings, to know exactly how I feel, without jumping into my mind, you would have to be sitting nextto me as I post...simple enough....but yeah, as I post I am usually talking things out, laughing at the subliminal messages, cursing at the screen and other screens..yeah it's fun...

As I explained this to a new reader, maybe not really new, just bored and thought they would read, they laughed and said I'm crazy....ohhh how often have I heard that one, isn't that right Mr. B. Almighty...haha, hidden joke there as well....yeah, but as we all know and have said before, yeah, we all know I'm a little more off the level than most...it's a nice mix to things, nothing dangerous, just a funny crazy, quasi-immature, yet different...go figure....I think ravey davey has offered the insight best on this subject saying it's just an understood thing

I think the bi-polar conditions have worn off a bit as of late..or maybe just more drawn out, not so flip floppy and moody..whih is a very good thing..hell I can tolerate people a little more now..so things must be getting better...but what just makes me crazy...what is it my actions, what I say...I'm guessing with the latter, but what is it in what I say, what makes those words crazy, is it not what's on the mind of anyone else in the room, is it that I'm crazed because I say them, say what we all have to say, is it the way I say it....

hmmm, nobody has ever explained it all to me, just said you're crazy with a slight chuckle..if anything I'm crazy in that funny sort of way, fun to be with, fun to joke with, non-harming psychotic crazy, just a fun loving jim carey, jerry lewis, or that crazy director guy who made "a beautiful life" or whatever it was called, we all remember that...so maybe i'm some sort of crazy brilliant person..who knows it's possible....

there still is one person though, that everyone of my friends will say is crazier than me, and even I know this one...nothing can beat this person, no crazed catholic, this person will live down in our groups history for being the worst one can be...and hopefully we can all learn from it....hell I think I made a post about it one time, who knows....

but as we were saying, my postings....hidden messages..yeah...I like when people IM me and send me little bits of the post and say, "who" or "what" just to make sure they are on the same level with me..and the ending result of "nice" all bolded or enlarged is so gratifying...

so even tough these weren't quotes,it was a topic filled with quotes, so in quotes others I just stole and typed them in here, oh well deal wit it, it's how my mind works, be it crazy or sane, I'm having fun just the same way..til another day

De Donde....

So I got a couple hours to kill, so away I go....

Yeah, I'm realizing it's the end of November, or at least rounding there, and I'm still here, and when I mean here, I mean nowhere. Yeah I'm hitting not necessarily with the Depression like normal, but I'm getting a feeling, something's dragging, needing a new, this has to end, where is it going, sort of way...

I'm sitting here with my big, grey winter coat on, you know the Abercrombie one I got for very very cheap..I'm wearing around inside, like I've done before, like it's a robe of sorts..in a way it makes me feel safe and comfortable and productive...however if you were to see me, I'd be wearing just my orange pajama paints and some shirt I slept in the night prior, this all underneath the big coat, hair all still a mess, glasses finally put on only to see the monitor from a distance, but that's me...

So where am I..probably be better to ask where am I going, because from the looks of things, I'll probably be in this same spot just further down the road. I think about things, but it's nothing I want to be doing..I mean it would probably be for the better, but I wouldn't see them latest very long..so I'm searching for something, not knowing what it is, and not wanting to take what's in front of me now....these possible routes could be stepping stones for bigger and better things, but I was never one for stepping stones..hell I was used as a huge stepping stone for someone, used til the water went down some to move onto shore...but I like to take one jump, not many little jumps, do it right the first time, or don't do it at all..don't waste your time with temporary things when you are just going to eventually get to the big thing...

So yeah, I need direction, always have, I'm not one to just seek for myself.. I may be able to strive and push and give it my all, but that's all under the right guidance. I'm not asking for help along the way, but rather just to tell me how it is supposed to go..if someone gave me the map, told me that's how it is, I'd work at nothing else but getting to that ending destination. I mean take school for example: I woke up every morning, made it to school, did my work, this and that, because that's how it was implemented into my head growing up all my life..I knew of the repercussions, it was all or nothing...at college, you don't have that same beating force behind you when you sleep through a class...

so I guess I'm just waiting for my lucky break (yes people get those) I mean you always hear about the college dropouts who are now famous and making it, look at microsoft, the matrix, etc...but those things ome from talented people..something I lack in..I have nothing to offer that is revolutionary, monumental, extraordinary, something to put my car on the map. so then what, what can I do..if anything I would have to grab someone else to have a break lie that, with out talents combined we might be equal to one person, and therefore making both of us happy...

so yeah, that was random and I'm losing my thought process (if I had any to begin with) so I'll wrap this up, I know once I walk away I'll have crap to say, maybe I'll update with some quotes, lord knows I have some of those....

Hell Week....

No I'm not talking about that one week in highschool where the freshman walk on their tip toes avoiding disaterous actions from the upper classmen...i'm refering to any week the colleges have off. It hasn't been as unbearalbe as weeks before, but a foul order lingers in the air....I wish certain peole were here, and at the same time i want others never to return...i would love to have an old school pity party reunion, but the likes of that happening are slim to none. Maybe this thanksgiving like last year we'll all do something, but doubtful agian...

as for this thanksgiving, what am i going to do??? Well if my mother is up I won't be around, if my uncle is in town, i won't be around...omitting those folk, i might make a quick stop in at my grandparents..but otherwise i'd just enjoy my day off by sleeping....granted i have been invited to other's thanksgiving meals, but it's more of a family ordeal and would feel out of place, but there's probably only one place i would have liked to been this year..my grandma keeps asking me to stop by and bring somebody as well...as if i have a special someone to bring, got to hand it to my grandma though, she thinks i have friends and special ladies lined up round the corner, but whatever...

this is just the beginning of it all as well, i still have to manage christmas and new year's all alone as well, i think that'll be the hardest thing..then again new year's shouldn't be too hard fo me to manage, some jerk already ruined that special day for me last year..i'll sleep through it agian, to hell with everyone i say..butyes, people are back and running around, though they aren't as persistantly annoying as times before, but others are quickly taking that rank....i just don't feel the need to be bothered by a certain someone who recently claimed they'd never speak to me agian - i didn't blow you off, but i didn't openly invite you out either, it was up and on the table, but you didn't open your mouth so don't feel bad - i guess that's a charactersitic most should have picked up on...i make time for everyone, even if i don't like you, you really have to get under my skin for me not to take moments out of my day for yourself..and even if the timing is bad, i always offer alternatives, i don't generally blow people off, it's not my nature. i don't have a conscience when it comes to most things, and i'm sure you know how to get to me, but for the sake of both of us, just stop calling, no good could come of it...

I'm a klutz...

yeah, I'm a complete and utter accident, no joke....today alone I've already had three instances of being an idiot...

let's start with the first fall of the day, and something I feel I have mastered....falling up the stairs. nobody can quite do it like I can, time and time again, no matter what steps, I'll fall up them...and it doesn't have to be when I just woke up, like today, but any given time, usually it happens when I go up them too fast, but I even surprise myself...

and then you got the hitting of my head on low hanging item...and constantly hitting it....every time I hit it I bitch..only to turn my back and seconds later hit it again....it's terrible...

and then, moments ago I totally whipped out at the base of the stairs..it doesn't go with the falling up the stairs category because I wasn't on the stairs yet, I was still on my approach and my feet just went out from under me, and I smashed into the wood floor....

I tell you, the past couple of days have really been hitting this point on the head, what with the being grabbed by an escalator, hitting someone in the head with my elbow as I go to put it around them, turning on red lights and not knowing why....I'm just an idiot....save yourselves and keep away from me..unless you want to laugh, then feel free....

I'm going to ice myself now....

It's Snowing.....

yeah, it's snowing, well actually flurrying, but whatever, snow chunks are floating through the air and sticking to the ground..so call it what you will. thoguh it'll probably melt once the sun rises round noon....i don't know if this all makes me happy or sad, or just what, but it's there, it's here, it's happening...beats me, later

Angie, Angie....

I'm sorry...

Sleepy Sunday

So yeah, the road trip, as all do, killed me..among the others as well....we were just worn to shit...it's coming off of that high, I suppose it can be related to alcohol or drug....this is our version of a hangover.....we're tired, sleep most of the day away...even if you do wake up at 2, it's more than disappointing to have it be pitch black out in 2 hours from your awaking anyways.sorry that's a side bitching, but yeah, it gets dark, really dark, at 4 now, it's dragging on the mind and soul, but what can you do......anways...I wonder if is possible to never come off that high, just keep traveling and roadtripping, keep feeding the addiction, would you grow tolerance to it, what more could you give it if you built up some sort of tolerance, and if and when you did finally come down, how terrible would it be, would your mind be a jumbled mess, would you sleep for weeks, or would you just die from your body not having it, hmmmmm...

anyways, we were supposed to write songs today, hopefully being inspired from the trip, but that never happened, we were all shot....we did start rising from those ashes around 5, coming together, me still trying to wake up fully...we organized a little group and decided to go to RtC..on the way up Vince decided to sit on my lap, so we endured the 20 minute trip in lover's lane..it was homoerotic to the nth degree (n being a real number greater than or equal to 2..) his hair kept flinging in my face, it's long and I guess I justified the whole thing by thinking it was a girl in my lap, or Vince, but whatever..at least I didn't get an erection...it was nice to have those familiar faces all together there, somewhere I, and probably the rest, haven't been in awhile...I think overall though we were all too tired to have the time we would have liked to have had...granted we were missing people...we told some stories, but nothing monumental happened...maybe we'll get something going over this week, though I have to work every night coming up..least I get to start at 11 or whathave you..til later

Your Basic Trip to Michigan.....
Gone Blue
Flings, Fuck-ups, Fucks, and things back home you run from...

So yesterday Jimmy C, Vince, and I set sail for the Blue land where the wolverines lurk in the cover of night amist the rain....aka, Ann arbor. I drove on the way up, of course making incredible timing, but I didn't think there was really a need for the rush....the trip up was nice, we almost died twice though..one instance where was minor, driving close to a car that was being rated and jimmy was going to get the number from..haha...and the other was this disgruntled man who tried changing lanes knowing perfectly well I was there, but just kept coming over and I wouldn't budge, hit me mother fucker, I said repeatedly..he lost.... So all in all the ride up was defiantly a good time...

Right before our arrival in AA, I soon realized it was probably the worst day to go up there....it was the infamous Michigan VS Ohio state game...In Ann arbor..and ol blue won moments before us entering..yeah, fun stuff...

I figure the safest thing to do was to park up at north campus, for several reasons....so I visited the burlodge since we were there, everso quickly chatted with the old buddies from way back, they still live in the same rooms, ha....then we rode the bus to central, it was nice. we met up with Tony at Pinball Pete's and the comic book shop inside...it was lame as came be...Tony took us back his apartment where his roomies were playing video games...I wanted to get my notebooks, the real reason I was there in Michigan, so we left to the union....Well just as luck may have it, we missed the closing by 7 minutes, no books for me, grrrrrr. oh, the funniest thing is when I pointed to Engin Arch and said, remember that..Vince instantly remembered and made a remark with Barcus included...Tony added his depressing insight, and then I did as well, it was heart felt, depressing with some angst, it was good....Tony departed from us..I think he was just blowing us off, but it was the release we needed to get back onto our own fun.

we made our trip back up to north campus. as we got to the car I remembered I was supposed to call Christina when we got into town, so I did just that. Well apparently movies don't start until like 9 in AA and the surrounding areas, was pretty upsetting, I was about ready to call it a night, so I told her I would call her back once we decided what was going on and headed to meijer....there we cashed in some of my pop cans, a whopping $50 was made out of my trunk..the funny thing is I had to give jimmy and Vince a couple bucks for crushing cans yet I didn't get any gas money come to think of it..hmmmm, oh well. we drove around randomly and made our way into Ypsi. so I called her with plans and told her where we were, she gave us directions to pick her up..I didn't want to do that yet, but oh well.....

the actual meeting was funny...she told me to wait outside for her, but as I stood there a guy opened the door for me, and I walked in....she came down the stairs walked past me and went outside..ok, so the thing is we never really met met, we glanced at each other once at the movie theater, so we have no clue what either of us look like. I was just about to call her, then I noticed she was getting her's out as well, so I let her call me. my phone rang andas I answered I turned to look at her, and she was looking back towards me..it was quite funny..

so after that fun we went to the multi-leveled barnes & noble to kill some time....they had a pop-up Kama sutra book there, it was brilliant...I'm going to have to start bringing every girl I know to a book store to see what their reaction is and where they go to and what they do while they are there, very enlightening...I knew what I was in for very early on in the night, I didn't even feel right joking around with it, probably that shy timid thing coming in then...there was one scary, but damn funny part of the evening..so we were all talking on the top floor, standing and talking, and then suddenly I leaned back everso slightly and away I went...all of a sudden the black handrail of the escalator grabbed hold of my ass and took me for a ride...I felt myself being lifted off the floor and being pulled backwards..and in between my legs I clung to the handrail..it was hilarious to see...well luckily I caught myself just in time, I was only inches from making it off the floor's edge and on the decline...everyone had their share in the thrill/laugh...good times....

Long Day, Longer Night....
Love Actually....

So the movie we decided to see was Love Actually..and actually I liked it, bests the hell out of me why, I mean it was a cheap, happy go lucky, movie/fairy tale esque movie...but I liked it..it was like the untwisted love version of magnolia...there were sad moments, happy moments, moments I could relate to, so I think overall I'd buy it. one point I felt so bad I wanted someone to hold me, yet wasn't wanting to reach out and touch someone else, but whatever...oh, yeah and I just realized, I paid for her movie..I think I was wondering how that came about after the purchase, but whatever....it becomes an official date once a payment like that is done, I never thought it was a date, damn people..but then again, good things come to those who pay for movie tickets...or so I was told?

anyways, we left the movie theater and went out to the parking lot in search of Vince and jimmy wit my vehicle...I heard the air horn go off and said, "that's my car" so we get in the car and start off...I ask where to and nobody cares, then someone mentions home..so I ask Xtina if she was up for a trip to Lowell...and she says sure..then I kept asking, making sure everything is ok, asking if she wants a change of clothes, asking if she really wants to go through with it..her only request was that she be back by 530 Sunday...so she starts directing me towards the highway and just as I am about to turn for the on ramp she says you can't be serious and got a little scared..so all in all we didn't go home at that time....

we went back to her dorm, Vince and jimmy waited in the car.....after the first 30 minutes they placed bets to see how much longer I'd be..one saying 7 minutes longer, the other 15 or so....they were off by a long shot...the dorm was small, smaller than my single, and she had a roommate..I guess I was lucky when I was at UofM..had it been a single I would have said it was nice, but damn, I kept forgetting not because the roommate (jimmy's girl) was gone. a couple hours later I come down and find them sleeping in the car..I suppose if Vince were in the backseat instead of the driver's I would have got in a drove away, but I woke them and asked if they would like to come up. Vince opted to stay in the car..Jimmy liked the dentist seat he was in, probably would have preferred it over the sleeping conditions he was about to get, but went up with me only to sleep on the floor...sorry. there were bunkbeds, but she wouldn't let us sleep on the bottom one because it was her roomies....

I couldn't get comfortable with someone laying next to me, and didn't much sleep...if it wasn't for the fact I was happy to sleep, I probably would have never passed out like I did. but nonetheless I woke up early and started to stir around waking up my other sleeping partners...we left EMU and got a going and back on the road..we took our turns driving, we were still tired, but we just needed that nap to get us re-charged...I never did go back for the notebooks or anything at UofM, it was too early..we got back to Lowell and parted our ways..I think everyone crashed in their respective beds after that...

so overall we made the best of the trip, it was fun, though I suppose the next trip I'll make by myself, just certain things I didn't/couldn't get accomplished there, less restrictions trying to cater to their needs, but oh well...I need my damn notebooks, and a nice blue shot glass, and cash in more cans - every passenger eats up $15+ worth of cans....I did have some inspiration, Xtina was a little muse of sorts, though sleeping there rid all those thoughts, so I guess it wasn't very productive..yeah I just need to spend a couple days up there, to myself, watching people walk around, sit around., it'll be good. so when will I be up again..well those same two made a bet when I will return.....I say sometime in January, then I will have two days off in a row and it'll be all good..but others have their doubts....

Yewah.....

Is that a typo..who knows....well anyways..i should really be stopping this post right now...but i won't, so here i go, thoguh i should,n't, but i just said that, and i'm going, but this could turn into some twilight zone of a post where i just keep gonig round and round with those same two thoguhts, control all movement of what happens in this litle blog..but stepping back from i'm moving on....

well obviously the medicine is kicking in...my head is getting cloudy and i started a rambling conversation with myself....nice huh..but agian i ma plagued by the ailment of last time..i only want to talk to myself, the ideas can't be writting/typed down....

well here's this....i wish i could play guitar as well as vince, everytime we meet up he's learned something cool..and me...well i sit here and wish i could do that....i may pick things up quickly, but it's that direction i am lacking, i can't teachy myself...anways...

vince is a god, damn him and his greatness, creativity, and everything else...but i like the fact he can transform my piles o crap into something pleasing...my song makes me happy, i just kinda played it....and the other one with an ironic ending...

well looks like a trip to michigan is in the works....who knows, it's possible, i would love for something like that..the more the merrier i suppose, like ol times..god am i a worthless fuck...

my thoguhts are varying....i need something to do, and won't post just yet....brb....

yeah had a good conversation with myself a minute ago...it was sad, and who knows what we were talking about, i rambled, who cares, nobody will remeber, and it's just the same undermeaning that runs in all my thoughts....you know it's funny how must justify and get justification for everything....i present things like it is a trial, when who the fuck cares, or better what, why the fuck should i give it all that thought....why am i doomed with this fate....why can't i just walk away from it all..why isn't there places for this, like startanew.com...that'd be kick ass..it'd be like the FBI's relocation protection agency..yeah, i would take that chance..i'd miss somethings and people, but i think the end would justify the means...why not...

so now i must figure out why/what/or where something like that....i think my problem is i got my feet stuck in mud..but that's how i am on certain things, should you always dive right in, not looking back...maybe so...think about it, you walk through you're just trying the mud...you run through or jump in, then you can say you gave it your all, so it failed, you gave it your all and it wasn't good enough, move on....

i don't think i understand anything i just posted...feeling sad right now, medicine is causing some wicked depression..i feel like crying....

if i were in a car accident in the morn, i wouldn't be hit til that evening.....

maybe that last line explains it, who knows......but i'm done

Missing a post...
Just some quick updates....

ok well i had a post i was working on, thought i saved it as a draft, but it's gone now..huh......

anyways here are some updates..well last night at target i punched in with 29 hours, damn...so they were trying to figure out what to do with me..first they told me to go home at 4, and then come in at 12 tonight....but that might still leave some room for pushing the hours and would have to be sent home early agian....so then they decided it wasn't worth my while to drive up for a only a couple hours..so they let me stay last night til we were done and gave me tonghit off...hell yes three day weekend..in november..mark that on the calendar, won't see that eve happen again....

oh yeah, speaking of target, last night we had a double truck, kicked my ass hardcore man..so many F'ing toys for backstock, two other people finaly came over to help me out, one for the other end of backstock and one for toys, but it was too late, we were basically screwed and surving by a thread...so then afte that, and after first break my hair is in all diseray and Gary comes up to me and says (go gary, getting quoted twice...), "what, are you trying for that momma boy i got that gay curl dangling in front of my face mystique look?" at first i was shock, paused, looking up, added a smile to my face and said," no...no i am not......i'll go fix it" it was very Schlotsky (or whoever) sandwich commercial-esque..you know the on where the guy asks the other guy no the bench if he was raised by wolves, and he pauses, thinks (dream sequence), then says, yes, yes i was, hmmm....god the mirror imagery of it makes me laugh..or maybe it's the subtle situational truth irony of it all..who knows, i got a kick out of and then changed my hair as to not look like a faggot by messing it up even moreso..damn my hair having no direction lie myself....

and starting next week, well sunday, overnights has to come in at 11:30, but because i am special i get clock in at 11:00 like flow, yeah i rock because i'm a bitch....go figure...

ohh..i got my car back today..is was a happy event.....it looks good,of course it was dark, but it's all shiny and washed, yay..and get this...vicne said, "oh you did a nice job"..me, "with what?" "oh so you didn't clean the car.." and i looked inside, and be damned if they didn't vaccuum it out, they even cleaned the seats and everything..i was more than pleased...so for once lowell body shop pleased me, i knew they would take awhile with the vehicle, longer than planned, but nothing outrageous this time...yay to that....

Ohh...4:00 was crazy...people were lost, we saw people 8 times, sad events, stories exchanged, you're a whore, free food, and the blues...couldn't wrap it up any better..oh yeah, picture that will give me nightmares til the day i die....anyways....

vince and i wrote up two songs..he wrote one and dictated to me..it was nice, of course i like everything he makes...and then he added the musical accompaniment to my song i wrote two months ago..i had words and everyting, it was my stroke of genious that led to a bunch of crap ever since, but he liked the song...yeah, it's pretty, kinda sad, but it's there.....maybe i'll play it for you sometime.....

and yeah, blues day...everybody had some sort of falling out....i'm not going to get into it, but things just went down..defiantly blues......my life may be a circle, but gonig in them sucks...i guess until i figure out the pattern, god i feel like i'm a 14 year old....shit i'll never grow out of this...and i'll never learn from anything, maybe not get caught, but that's about it.......

Drive it like you Stole it......
Pim-pala...

Still got the Impala..i guess the only cool thing about it is the fact i can cal it a pim-pala...but it's missing a lot of characteristics that would appear to make it pimp worthy....

I pulled into the Target parking lot the first night i had the damned thing, and i come raoring through, tires a-squeeling, just crazy like (about as much as i could with a V-6...)and i get out of my car and gary was outside smoking a cigarette and was like, "damn, i was wondering who that was...then say it park and knew it was you....you driving it like you stole it.." and that's true, i'll run any damn rent-a-car into the ground...moreso than i do my car already....shit if i had the money, i'd be doing that with any of my cars...i'm being inconvienanced...so i'm just taking advantage of it and having my fun....

yeah, and since i get to target before most of the crew, i was inside doing my thing, and people had no idea if i was there or not...but when they found me they immediatly asked if i got a new car..of ourse i told them about my hate for that car, then they go into the schpeal about, "oh yeah, i saw that car there and was like, that's not jason's, but it ismost defiantly his parking job...." hell yes i have a characteritic parking job...

and i was gonig to take a picture of the car to show to ya'll, but damn, i forgot, sorry

I've Gotta Post for You...

Yeah, it's been a long day...and waiting around in...waiting rooms always killed me....in fact hospitals genereally creep me out, i feel so....like i don't want to be there...ahh well, i sat in front of a muted TV set on the Wacko Jacko fiasco...aghhhhh

oh, so I'm sick and taking my cough suppressiant with Robotussin in it..yeah robo-tripping....well i took two cap fulls, because i saw somewhere two, which was two teaspoons....which in fact is less than quarter of the cap.....so yeah i defiantly OD'ed on robotussin...something like 10 times the standard dosage..still trying to figure why they gave me such a big cap....

so what's it like to quasi-robo-trip....nothing grandiose....it's kinda like being drunk really, you have that constant head pressure, not necesarilly a headache, but something's there...you sway and stagger and tumble and try to keep your balance becuase you're kinda dizzy.....you can sit there and think you are alright, then you try to get up and, well, can't make it....you can also feel yourself coming out of it as well....kinda as if you head starts to become uncloudy...i did like the fact that my eyes were really dialated, yeah, and i had on this fun glazed gaze as i smiled and looked around...one thing i thoguht was great, while i read the label i came across a warning to not use it if you are depressed..hahaha....but what disappoints me is the fact i didn't have delusional thougts, no rapid speach, i did get a little hyper coming down from it, but nothing that was mind altering so to speak...hell i can drink and get the same thing with better results...just make sure there aren't certain people around, he he he....ohh, one thing i thought was funny..so i was thinking, thoughts were coming and going, and actuallyi did have a concrete train of thought, but i couldn't, or rather didn't, want to write anything down on paper..when i started to i lost my thoguhts and was like, "blah"...and this really gets me going....i was on the verge of calling people up and sayig what i truly thought of them, shit, i had like 4 conversations played out in my head, it was crazy..but had i not been able to use my cell, and the battery was dying, i probably would have made those calls...thank you to the enclosed closet i was in for a 4 hour duration...

i was wondering where barcus ran off to, i haven't heard from him in several days..but i did get a call on the way back to lowell that he wanted to do soemthing..and vicne was in town, of course i alreday knew that from a voicemail my lovely sent...so now the question is...do i go hang out wit them now, or stay and get some sleep because i've been up all day and i have to work tonight..it's a double...we'll see what happens....

Grrr...Titles are Hard to Make...
so much effort and i don't have the right tools, damn left handed screwdriver...

how to start this.....i'll go just with the random thoughts, no order..and away we go......

i hate waking up, well moreso when i am sick. i wake up and feel worse than death...yeah i am most defiantly getting sick. i coughed at work and could taste my phlem...defiantly geting sick, kind of early in the season, but who knows, maybe it's just going to be stronger...even more than the years prior, this could be the crippling one..we could only hope...

here's a quick quote i said this morning..."alright, i'm going to bed, and if and when i wake, stay clear, i'll be one pissed off mofo..." just commenting that i'd be mad to wake, and when i do, and realize i'm awake, yeah i'll be upset, make sense?

my hand became crippled after playing an excess of barre chords...ohh the pain, damn the guitar and it's provocative ways...

oh quick appology to a certain someone who just confronted me online about something i said in a post a week ago...though you weren't mentioned specifically, you knew it was you, and made a poor judgement...whoops, you know i love you..

yeah that wa an appology, good thing it is archived, lord knows those don't happen often unless i mean 'em..

maybe that is some sign to not say what's on my mind, or things i really mean, or anything like that.....i've been comtenplating posts that just tear into two people (off the top of my head two...)..and hell, i'd do both to their face, one i would prefer, the other i would want on here as public humiliation just for being a bitch ass punk...rethinking.....

wait....holy crap....this makes me realize something.....if a certain post made a certain someone made.....then that means they read, or started reading.....ohhhh crap......they would then know what i've thought of them, said about them, and every other little fornicating detail......let's hope to god they just started reading, and are too lazy to read the archived pages.....but damn i just typed this, and if they constantly read my blog, they'll read this, then they will get curious, and ohhh hell...

Hahaha, this brings me joy....everybody can slightly remember my AIM list setup, the horrible profane names i used to group the peoples, except for one certain grouping, it remained sacred...well now every group has such names, it's one big textual assualt on them that i need to do nothing to aquire the joy....hell yes i laugh.....

and so i am either horribly unoriginal, or just say what's on my mind all the time.....talking to said personmentioned before, they asked about my rant a car, i am quoted as saying, "it's a nasty sand colored impala, i hate it"..they respond with.."yeah, i just read that.."..so yeah, maybe it's a combination of both...my thoughts on things really don't change, and i constantly speak my mind...therefore giving same responses to same questions...A will always equal B...whatever....

i'm ending it here, be back later......

Car-otes???

alright..i got to have something here....hmmmm, can't leave witout a quote...... oh, this is bad...

so the other night at target we are talking bout random things on break, like normal, who knows what go it going....but going off of a semi-car theme in my latest posts, i'll give you a joke....

Q: What makes helen Keller a bad driver?
A: She's a woman!

ok, yeah that was funny...and the latest car accident caused discussion while i was at alco...i said something to the effect, "this is why we don't get back together with ex-es"....(i show them the pic of the car)..."and that's why i don't let people drive my car, if it's going to be in any accident, it'll be on me..." then someone chimmed in, you let bla drive your car..then i thought, and started saying out the names of people who have drove Lucille...they tried to make a lier out of me, but really, the list, if that, is short....everybody knows come hell or high water i'll be damned to give up my car for someone else to drive, let alone without me in the passenger seat....

Just a Little Something Something....

Let's see...things are wired....let's say this, people shouldn't get back together with ex-es, and from this weekend's rub, I'd say not even hang out with them..yeah we're going pretty far here...kodee and kody (narcissistic bastards) got back together, don't even want to get into that ordeal. why do we hate the ones we love? then we got barcus, who wanted to have coffee at the truckstop round 6 on sunday, along with a certain someone...however neglecting the prior plans to go to the movies with someone else...going against the statement I said at the beginning of this post, his car ended up paying the price. luckily nobody was hurt, and the tree is ok too...

I've been remembering my messed up dreams...today's was really messed up, went 8 different ways, and there were things that would only happen in a movie...went to a pyschologists office thinking it was just a regular doctor, and there was a girl with me, and she had been in a dream similar to this one before, though I don't know who she is...she comes off a a friend that I can tolerate, who knows...but as we ran out of there me trying to understand what happened I'm asking her does she remember what happened, because we had this dream before, and that's all I know, but she tells me the future, what I want to know, what has happened in the past, and be damned if I don't remember, give me some time.....well while we're talking about what happened and I'm driving, bob dylan's shelter from the storm comes on the radio..I'm jamming to it of course, and even start singing certain versus that stick out...well I wake up right after she tells me the future and sure as shit, that song is playing on my computer..but the thing is, the lyrics that I sang in the dream had yet to be played, only a minute later did they play, and the song wasn't out of order or anything..really wired...

so I got this weekend off, how crazy is that, sat and sunday to run around..what to do what to do....I've been wanting to go to michigan..so I'll say it again, I want to go to michigan..and I never made it to indy, but that's kinda lost it's potential...then again I might be stuck here if a certain someone throws the ball..so it's all up in the air and it's only tuesday....

oh..and hirata's called me to say progressive came out and they started working on my car again...and I should have it back by thursday or friday of this week, no later...how many times did I hear that.....so looks like I got the impala for a couple more days, probably the weekend as well. damn I really hate not having my car, I become so attatched to al it's little conveniences..yeah sad...

so I work again tonight..and I know I will get sick(er)..so I might in the end be spending my weekend on my death bed. I'll do my best to get by until then....

It's a Small World....

Alright, so get this...michelle bates does in fact work at Alsip..or is it Alsip's..Alsip..Alsip's....I'm not crazy....but it gets a little funnier...she is engaged to jeff, one of the people I work with at target..I mean he said his girlfriend's name was michelle, but come on, there are many michelle's out there...so that ties in with the friend of jeff, pete, who knew me because he went out with debbie pioth,who was in my newspaper class..crazy....

This is a Funny Post...

ohh ohhh ohhh....so i was sick last night, and i took a pic of the "medication", so you tell me what's wrong wit this picture???



Answer: I'm still alive..ha ha ha ha, but really....the "tussin" was the onlything that really kicked in, i was patrially "robo-tripping" if you could call it that...notice the Altoid case..yeah we all know what's in there, "Barcus, not the small ones they're.." And thanks for the Tylonal 3, not naming names, but yes, that was good...over all though everything counter acted with everything else...and after the first couple hours i was fine, better in fact....i was dizzy, but not fully in my delusional state like i normally would be when i'm sick, so if anything i failed at what i was doing...i ended up cooking those potatoes during the 3 hour dazed state, so that kept me in one spot and my head didn't spin anymore...

today i wake up feeling better, though my throat's a little raspy right now, but the voice is back...i know i'm getting sick...it's there, but nobody can tell, them it will hit me all at once..well i'll do what i can in the meantime, til then....

Musicology...

Yes, very well....so I've been listening to various music, iguess I'm either bored or just want to reach out and see what else is going on out there....and I tell you, I like some stuff, but most of it still sucks....

so let's talk about dave mathews...yeah, he decides, hey I need to break away from this and go solo...but your fucking band is called the dave mathews band...that's your god damned name, it's basically as if you were solo..it's not dave mathews and the other queer guys, it's just your name. I would say how dare you even think about breaking away from your band to pursue some stupid shit like this.....and what the hell is up with the music....yeah you're little revival music, with songs like "gravedigger" and "save me", I just want to beat the shit out of you...if anything the rest of your old band should take this as an opportunity to go out on their own, because if this is "your" sound, I thank them for stopping it from coming out before.....If you sucked before, on solo you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.....

speaking of religious bands...Creed, pod, evensongs....I don't mind religious undertow's in the songs, but don't hide from, if that's what you are going for, say it out right, don't play it off cool make it big then say, oh yeah, we're hardcore Christians...I lose repect for you...but off of that, what's wit these religious outcomings....why does it have to be christianity...why can't we get some eastern religions in there as well....or better yet, why don't people sing about the Greek and Romans gods like they used to.....come on achilles last stand...let's get some crazy gothic shit going on here people, that's what we want to hear, some good ol history thrown into the mix, I could care less if you believe when you look at your daughter, we need some gods of thunder coming at us....

so I've been downloading this music as well, everything from rap, alternative, chick singers, punk..whatever it may be.....got some problems....avril, yeah she could be attractive, if she lost the I wanna be a punk rock girl look, she's going for hardcore, but can't pull it off, sorry, go wash up in the bathroom and put on some real makeup.....

punk is punk, it can get you going, you don't have to sing to play it, it comes off a little too loud for me, but some things are ok....the excessive swearing doesn't help either...

and I can't seem to understand some songs...I know I'm dumb, I should be able to figure what they are talking about, or at least somebody should if they play it on the radio...to think about it, most of the shit is just random crap people write for themselves, nobody their circle will ever know what the hell it is about..I could talk about an empty plastic water bottle, make a song out of it,and only two people would know what's it about.....so quit writting songs about some damn chimpanzee and fucking postcards.....

oh god, I can't stand the next group...ok as I said, I've been listening to everything, screaming punk, hardcore rap shit, but this..ohh this my friend I cannot stand while sober. it's one thing to be emo, it's another to be whinny..sing out your emotions, great, but the sound of it..god kill me...I haven't been able to play a song of theirs for more than 15 seconds, even that was by accident...I'm giving them some more tries, but until then I'm going to keep hitting my head against the dashboard..

god they fucking suck..sorry, next....

oh rumors are circulating again that Led Zeppelin is going to reunite and go on tour....oh hell yes...If this were true, I would do anything for tickets...dance, kill, sell my body and soul, not a problem..anything to see them in concert because the damn delorean won't start for me.....
speaking of selling.....I don't know if this has been done before, I know certain things have like selling icicles, ass whoppings, body parts, but this, could I sell my virginity on e-Bay??? that'd be so badass..I think I need zach to look into this....

music is crazy, and I could never write it...If I ever got te lyrics, I know for damn certain I wouldn't be able to get any musical parts for it...I'll enjoy listening to it, making my comments and write my little random scratches in my notebook...

so I'm downloading lots of crap..I think I'll get back into the techno thing once again...why not, you can never run out of techno, there's millions of mixes...you'll never get 'em all, but you can die trying...so yeah, I'm gonna start doing that, unless there are suggestions from the crowd...

I Did It...
Breakdown...

yeah, so no posting for monday november 17th...I'm good, anyways....stuff went down, forgot all what....I'm getting sick..yeah sunday was pretty bad. target came close to sending me home from work they were so worried about me..I slept on both breaks, was dizzy, nauseous, couldn't find it in me to even want to work, not even to get by, took a mike L shit break, that helped a little, but damn if they don't page me because I'm needed for something....I did get better as it entered the day, though my voice went...

got my rent-a-car....a sand colored impala...as if the car wasn't bad enough, it's f'ing sand colored....and I know I will have it for more than just two days....in fact hirata's called me to say they found more damage when they removed the bumper (duh) and progressive couldn't get out to look at it today, so they inturn weren't able to further work on the car....ohhh hell....

and I was so sick/tired, after I was on the phone, actually on hold for five minutes or so, I hung up, and fell to the floor, waking up round 5 despite the traffic in and out of the room and numerous phone calls...dead to the world, if only right?

didn't make much of my day off, probably because I was sick..wearing the yellow hoody made me get out though, damnation....yeah I got the theory about this hoody....I wear hoodies to signify I'm having a lazy/bumming around sort of day, in other words a day off...and I like to wear my grey/gray one..but somebody has that one and I was forced to wear this yellow one..well it's soft and I like it all, but it's yellow, it's vibrant and catchy..the color alone makes me get up and want to do things....kinda defeats the purpose of a lazy day.....anyways

I did in fact do something, I made some potatoe thingies...double baked potatoes, yeah how badass am I..it looks all fancy...but to tell you the truth, they weren't so hot, I mean they tasted alright and all, but I will have to work on them again....but I did mash them by hand, god am I hurting now, but they look pretty, enjoy the pic...

Rambling Worse Than..Well, Me...


for my dark part of the day, crucifix style on my car is how i lay, staring into the pointless sky, couldn't tell if my lids were open if it weren't for the subtle light piercing the corner of my eye, i cling to a fallen lock that curls round my heart side, the other relentlessly flicks at a zippo whose flame died. gasping for one more take, breaths of another chance, a different dance, ohhh how we've heard it'll be the last, what's another cage of mine to break. an infatuaous whimsical charade, in which my character lasts but a week, falling victim as one of her many prey, i end with a the kiss to my cheek. your name gives a facade of solace, and i fell victim to your siren calls. hidden from the storm by your face, only tro the depths of the ocean i fall. and on that plane i climbed aboard, knowing certainly well what i was in for; but now it's time for me to get back to the ground, onto something that's steady and won't mess around. Below are the runners and lights i can clearly see, looking familiar from some PanAm flight of 103. And thus the store comes to a close, and all them who left, everybody knows, the story of my rose- blossom, as she flawlessly commits the same and goes. to think, i had you for all in that little duration, but i was the one who fought the temptation. cursed be that of my slow nature, taking those steps of forethought, intensifying the bounty for which i fought, with a love of a child that will never mature. i didn't give you what you desire, you play with your tongue bitten, acting as if you're trying out for the choir, and i can't edit what's been written. been called a fool many time before, but you must have spotted me out of the blur, by the stained clothes i wore. yes, though it may seem hazy, i was what you wanted to incur, i see now your ploys were chivy. This had to be your simplest victory, yet the saddest one never to speak..for there was no treasure, nothing to gain pleasure, in the havoc that you reeked. we run and hide in opposite fates, you to the nightly lips of another grace. Then there goes me, born to loose, and running from all the likes of you, knowing to never tempt fate with a branch from a similar tree...


I said i won't post tomorrow, death be the day, but i know i will, I'll give in, i always do..but then again, maybe i should take a break, give the readers some time to catch up...zach made a comment on the last post, apparently that's where he believes he left off..who knows, time off is good right? thought you'd never ask....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hahahaha, sorry, actually posting now..anways..yes, giving it your all, throwing all you got...knives, stones, words, spit, this is great..........I couldn't help but laugh at some contrived little foolish girly post...thanks for the away message, brings joy to me every time..you know, if it's one thing i learned from you, from all this, well, it's a life lesson and i thank you, actually not really, i guess i'll take it as some form of parting gift of wisdom..anyways, i guess this is why i can't write certain things, i'm doomed to an eternity of this hell on earth...anywas...push and shove, do what you do....be gone forever child, I've got one more post that mentions the mere essence of you, then it's so long Marianne..don't worry I won't think twice for I know your time is gonna come....

hahahahaha......

Untitled...

Here it goes....completly random and off the part of my brain that stings.....

so i do this litle blog thing, i make posts, i write about random crap which hardly anybody reads, and what they do seems to grasp as they skim they could give less of a crap about....do i care, no..you know why? because i don't do it for anyone......ok, granted zach got me gonig with this, and i thank him for it, back last year when he got me set up, yeah i had been wanting to get one of these things to write about my days events..this feelng can go all the way back to "jackie's", which was back in feb/march time of that same year, but it took another 6 months before i finally did something about it.....there were tings going on in my life i wanted to write about, least for my records...and yes i do have a journal, and many notebooks full of scratches of jarbled writtings, but that took so much time and effort, and never got on the ball with it, it lasted only a little bit, like all my other hobbies and half finished things....

but as i was saying, i don't do this for anyone, yes i know zach does get enjoyment out of reading it, makes his days go by catching up on what's going on in other people's lives, and yes he was probably the ultimate force in getting my ass in habit with my posting regularly...so for that thank you..of course i didn't like the bickering when i was working 80 hour weeks with little time to sleep, run around and post...grr, anyways, so this is all done for me bascially, it's my little account of what's going on, and when it all happened. so bah...just like a little historian og my own life, yeah i liked history back in the day, and i lvoe the history channel, but cable is out, so fuck it.....but i post for my records only, and i like to get feedback when i sak questions, or try to get something from different people's popint of views...i know not many people read this, nothing exciting really happens on here, except for the fact it gets updated about every day, and i'll make up for time i slacked off, so yeah....

and what i write isn't a lie, it's tings tat actually happen, i'm sorry if any of it bothers you...do i intentionally write tings to piss people off....well let's just say the best way to fight fire is with fire.....i may alter the wording tostab a little harder, add in some things i would normally leave out if i know it's going to be a low blow, but all is done in recourse to what do as well....pis me off i'll piss right back......i don't want to make wars out of things, but when you toy with certain things, be it mind and heart, then you've crossed the barrier and i get to throw my subtle blows...so i'm sorry if things get a little crazy..but as i have said before to others, if you don't lie it, don't read it..but enquirering minds want to read...be it so....i have the same problem, this would have never happened if you never wrote what you did to begin with..but it can go further back than that, rather do what you did, i know you keep certain things to yourself, and don't publish them,but let little things slip out or so slightly, and only a few can see the flash of light, while the others blink......anyways..

sorry i started directing this towards one person......back to my rant....well i discussed most of what was on my mind, gonig off on a couple tangents, whcih has now cloudy the rest of my road, but i'm happy with where i ended up at......i think i wanted to add in something about not acheiving anytihng, or not being productive or creative.....i think i just want my break, don't know when it will happen, but i want it now of course....i'm an nontalented, partially inspired, partially uninspired depending on what we're talking about, failure on so many words..oh i just got what i wanted to talk about, well if not what i got will suffice...but as for now i'll end it here..i've got to go to work, be it as it may, i'll go..til tomorrow

Just Some Stuff....

I'm posting a lot lately..why is that, am i inspired, is something causing creativity, and from that there are two kinds of creativity; progressive and destructive..which way am i leading, well i know sure as hell it ain't good....

oh, so i'm noticing that nobody likes the "quotes" part of my bloggings now..or at least nobody's commenting on them...i figure i would take those little things out of my normal postings, making the normal posts a little shorter, and add some flava to my blog by making it like a little series, plus i would get to talk about whatever the quote was in more detail becuase i wasn't restrained by other crap in the post....alright it will continue only to make me happy.....

So let's see....I have monday off, yay to monday off, not sure what i am going to do with that day off, but i'll tell you i will not have a blog post, due to the date, i refuse to make any sort of post...yeah call it whatever, it's a day off to reflect? whatever...then i have saturday and sunday off in that same week...too bad they weren't together, but lord knows i would just gamble them away doing nothing..maybe i'll do something, it's not every day i get two days off in a row, let alone the weekend....anybody want to take another road trip..ha ha ha

funny..i met a girl named sagan..yeah how wierd is that, but she goes by her middle name of racheal...of course i always call her sagan....just something about funny names like that which makes me happy, well i guess it depends on the person...sparkle is just wierd beyound belief...

and i got a question....just how many, and how often do you girls out there wear thongs....have i been lead astray from the truth based off of a certain instance, or am i now being taking away from reality.....i was given the preassumption that thongs were worn when you where kahkis and by sluts....yeah.....so is this true or am i, and the person who implemented most of these ideas in my head, crazy? this was broguht up solely by the fact that i noticed a certain someone always wearing a thong....not like i was intentionally looking for it, they would bend over or something and there you would see an eye catching glimpse of that...of course panic struck me like a bucket of water, maybe this was a once in awhile thing.....but then it started happeneing every day, now i am worried, why in the hell would you wear a thong everyday, unless you wanted the cock?

ok i got a good laugh and wandered off from the computer..new post....

Q-uo-tes....with a K
Do it for them, and in return you'll be doing for yourself....

Alright, so yesterday i visited olivia briefly at work, this was around 5 or so to see what time she was going on break....well the poor thing was feeling sick, and so i tried doing what i normally would do in given situation.....i asked her if she needed anything, wanted to go home, this and that...and since i was leaving, remember i said briefly, i offered her the oppurtunity to ask for something while i was out...and then of course i went in a ramble with my fast and quick, answering myself, speach....i rambled about wanting oranges, chicken noodle soup, and then i "said" if she wanted something from the mall, how bout a cinabon, she obviously declined everything...

but of course I went off into my world about "ohh that sounds good", and since i was hungry and hadn't eaten and was tryingto decide while i was there, someone suggested i go get that for myself...i stopped in my ramble, looked at them and laughed...i said, "what, no, are you kidding me, that'd be stupid..why would i endure the lengthy drive, time and money spent, and wasted energy just to please myself and put a smile on my face when i know that the spinning thing right there would suffice....but for someone else, yeah, i'd do it; to them it means a lot more, or should unless they take you for granted, i wouldn't think twice about doing something random like that, nearly killing myself, to put a smile on their face, because that in itself is pleasing to me....lord knows i don't do for myself.." and wit that comment the stunned audience chuckled it in, they knew it was true, but the randomness of my speach was suprising..i got a good laugh out of it, and now a post...

alright, but what i said was bascially true...i could have goneand goten myself a cinabon if i so wished, i have that power...but the end result of filling my stomache with an overpriced danish with an enduring night drive to the dark land wouldn't componsate everything else....yeah it would have been nice, but there are other things that can please me just as well, and i'll just find something to eat that tastes good and fills me up, let my pleasure be lured in by moving ceilnig tiles or flashy things that also make noise, call me ADHD, but i find the small things in life worth enjoying...but as i was saying, had somebody else wanted it, not a problem, i'll be back in a flash...my reward lies in their gift...and if you make somebody hapy by doing something "small" like that, they're worth it....

I Can't Think of Good Titles As of Late....

so last night i got sick, like a stomache sickness...and you know why, because i ahd pizza, lordy i haven't gotten sick from pizza in a long time. but i used to all the time, i would eat it and garuntee to be feeling sick later...well like i said, hasn't happened since i don't know when, but last ngiht i got sick...and today, you know what i've been eating, every time i wake up and start moving around, that other damn pizza...it's so addicting....and the pineapples taste so good when cold, it makes me happy..anyways...

i'm doing my "coke user syndrome" thing...where i open a can of coke, leave the room and open another one there, leave that one there, go to another room, want a coke, open yet a third one....i guess no matter what i'll always have a damn can of pop around, but it's not very good on the mind, especially when i don't realize what's going on and think it's the same one i've been drinking all this time...


and so today is saturday..and what am i doing, absolutly nothing..it's six, and i sit here..am i bored, do i want to do something, is there anyone to do things with.....so quit complaining, i'll cope with my situation, bitch to myself about being lonely, this and that, and tomorrow will be another day....you think life's so hard.....

life is monotonous, you go through cycles of this and that, you have habits, whether you think you do or not, nobody is completly sonpatneous where they don't have such habits or cycles...it's the harmoious balence in a chaotic world...there needs to be some order, and repition is what brings it home, having that balance....butit's not always like that....every here of vacations, yeah, those allow for people to brewak their norm and go off on those wild tangents, which allows them to live a little more, because yes, you do have to break the monotony ever now and then...but you can't do it all the time, you'd be throughing the rules right out the window and anarchy would ensue....look i'm not preaching living a dull and boring life, i'm justsaying don't bitch about life when it does get like that, because that is one of life's little perks so to speak, it's part of it's character, you may not like it, but cope, there's nothing to can do about it..enjoy the small breaks inbetween and find happiness in other things, that's what life is about...damn

alright, sorry about that last rant, just one of those things i started typing and didn't stop...but i'll end tis one, i have more to type about, i know it, but this is getting long and i don't want to anger people....

Good Mourning...

yeah so i just got back from work at target tonight..short night, yay..and there was a party in electronics, which means everyone came at the last second to help me ass out with the backstock up there....oh, i keep forgetting to mention, but we got new LRT's, actually called PDT's, it's our little gun contraption thingy..i like the new holster for then, can't do the draw in the middle of the aisles anymore, but it's all good....

i was talking to myself last night, to myself in my head, not aloud, though that happens as well and people think i'm crazy..crazier...anyways...i havea post, i do i do...

it was broguht to my attention that i am probably getting sick...yeah seems right for this time of year...seems like my whole bodyu just goes out on my around this time, both physically and mentally..so be it

yeah today has been a kick in the ass..i still have yet to beleive it's friday, well now saturday, but oh well...things aren't going like they should, rather how i would prefer them to go...i'm starting to loose grounds,so now i'm clinging, it's not what i wanted to do, but my only response, it will not turn out pretty...and i got sick tonight, i even passed out on break for the duration of, not eating a thing, i got really hungry really quickly......i was just messed up tonight...

oh, what could have go me really messed up was our little techno rave thingy tonight....yeah so we purchased these glow sticks at meijer on clearance for $.87, how badass, they look like normal glowsticks, but are battery powered, k-rad indeed...so we're having some fun spinning them, making our coments, then i look at the ceailing fan....get the crazy idea, and thus was born our rave....we sat for over an hour just staring at the lights spin round our heads..all we needed was a little dewey and some ex..tra strength nyquil for my cold... look, i took a pic, it's spinning...



yeah i was upset yesterday, before the rave, because i was all up for being a productive member of soceity, i wanted to do something worth my time, i wanted to find a problem, and sit there all night figuring it out..don't ask me, but yeah i was even willing to call off work when i realized i had to go in last night..(i know it goes agianst the productive member of soceity thing i just said..) but then we had that rave and i got tired and dizzy and dehydrated, and yeah, it was good, but killed me..so that was the end of anythign worthwhile coming out of me for a long time....well that's all for now, more to come...

If You Don't Give a Damn, We Don't Give a Fuck....

So I pulled out early, from my trip that is, i made it midway, but not there, anyways, i went to alsip anyways....oh, i saw a girl that looked cute like michelle bates there..but i thought she went to college, but it was happiness, if was her, regardless it's niceto know that more than 50% of my class, and those i know are complete dropouts, failures not necessarilly....

read some rolling stone today, yeah i read things that are short, keeps my attention for long enough....i want 16 years of guitar under my belt, but i don't, i'll sit here and rot, write rotten shit, rot, funny word...anyways

coulda swore i had something to say here....had some sort of quasi-rave with glow sticks and a fan...had i been rolling, i'd been in heaven, took pics with my phone....and i took some pics while i was at alsip's as well..ok they are blasphemous, but hey, i liked them...also thought of some crazy ideas, zach would appreciate...

so then i thought about if i had that digital camera i so wanted...yeah, that'd make me happy, but that's a big thing, and of course my lfie revolves around the littler things...boobies not breasts, ha ha ha, i'm laughing on the inside, not really.....anways...

so then yeah, about what zach was saying...colleen was a photographer...yeah she had some cool pics, but it's about being in the right place at the right time.....there's little skill to the process, unless you have to devolop your own film, but if you go digital, and non-manual with a camera, you're doing nothing but being there.....now unless you start getting fancy and altering the pic, say with photoshop or psp..then that takes talent, but that's a different talent, granted it's an artsey talent, you are alter a pic, whether you mosaic it, or blend your pics, or whatever, talent on the computer, not with the shot......just as if you put 1000 monkeys behind 1000 typewriters you'll get the best novel..same goes with taking pictures, you carry a camera around with you every second of the day, you're bound to see the beauty of life and have many pics..some good, some great, it's all in the moment......

but yeah, i like to take pictures, and i know other people who do as well..if i could, i would carry around a camera all the time, along with that damn voice recorder...i'm not too big into the picture motion machine, but when it coems to filming movies or things like that, i'm there...i guess there's nothing worth filming in my life, everything can be captured in one shot.....usually....

so i was just talking a second ago..doing my quick speach thing...god i sound like a jack...i don't talk right, well, or normal.....at least nobody's harassing me about the pauses in my speach...damnation......anwyays

this is it for now, gonig to run around hoping to crash into something that will keep me entertained for the mean time...

More Quotations....

the word fo the day is "stipple".."stipple", say it with me class, "stipple", ryhmes with nipple.....anyways...

the word is brought to you by a coke advertisment at kerasotes theaters.....

story...at the movies on saturday (yeah, i can go way back for my quotes dammit) everyone3's all talking prior to the movie, and we're giggling in school girl fashion, sitting arangment, me, olivia, dewes, barcus.....dewes is talking to olivia about god only knows what, i turn and in normal me fashion mouthed someting as to distract him and make him giggle...and of course, like always, the person, this time olivia, realized dewes attention span off, turned to see me there finishing up what i said...of course you have to play it off as if nothing happened, and so i said i just turned to find dewes giggling, dewes with the back up support saving my ass this time agreed and said te timing was funny, she was just about to catch on, and we were talking about how it was funny, causing us to giggle, then dewes spots the word "stiple" on the movie screen and says, "look, stipple, that's a funny word"..out of a hilarious cover and for the fact the word does inded sound funny, i bust up laughing, causing a riot with dewes, totaly distracting everyone from what just ahppened, and there ended any problem, forgetting about what may have happened, we went on a merry ways never to speak of it agian....

so thank goodness for funny words at random to distract the attention off of something else, therefore getting you out of a pickle....i think if there were a word for that distraction, stipple would suit....

stipple...

Shoot Me....
with a camera...duh

so i got a gripe from this morning, was going to post, booted up ol Ziggy here, then passed out.....alright, so i'm driving home, i see this awesome sunrise..well the sun wasn't up yet, so it was just the skyline, partly bright, and then dark, i can't explain it...so i wanted to take a pic..i reach into my side compartment and grab my aps camera, i snap a shot, the roll is down..bout time is all i think, but i have no more film in my car....i deal with the situation, but as i near lowell the sun started coming up and it looked really cool...so i pulledoff to the side of the raod to get a better shot, over by the middle school.....so i go to the back seat and flip open that consol, grab the camera, it's light, it needs film....searching around i found some in my bookbag, but can't find my third camera in my bookbag, wouldn't do me any good probably, if i remember correctly it has black and white film in it...so i load up the camera and go to take my shot, it woerks, i want more, but it's not winding...mother bitch...that damn thing is broke, so i sat and fumbled but to no avail, damn broken camera, damn missed shot...that's be the point where somebody runs up to me and kicks me in the gonads....

Helpless...

so I just got this....as i sit pondering why i wake up every morning/afternon/whenever, wondering what to do with myself, i gathered this....

ok here's some quick facts...barcus and i are once agian friends, don't remember what the last scuffle was even about, but who ever does....and based off of what i just said, that implies we've had our difficulties with each other, fights, bickering, whathaveyou, all before, and agian who knows what about....then things get better and we hang out...and for the past whatever we've been hanging out more and more..this facet might be also helped by the fact that barcus and zak had a recent falling out...but whatever the case may be, barcus and i have been having more heart to heart talks or something to that extent...or maybe i've just been putting things together and seeing relationships between the two lives, but here is my conclusion: we are both hopeless romantics clinging onto the one hope that gives us the time of day.

wow, and i take a step back from that comment...but for those of you out there who can actualy look at and see both lives acting simultaneously, you have to see that.....i mean i can make the reference towards barcus, and i know that has been said to me about my ways as well, but until now it has hit me....that conclusion keeps ringing through my head and i keep laughing, i lke it. so what causes us to do so, the want to be needed, the need to be wanted, having something, wy is this so important that we keep tossing our hearts around, and that brings up a question of love....we aren't in love, we're just happy to have found someone to spend the day with, but when that fails, look out, we coming falling into a depressive stupor as well....i'm not going into it, nothing i say makes sense...but if there was help available for this, i would take it, this deals with too many different things and involves just more than myself..depression i can do whatever with, it's just me there, but this thing, two people at a time get hurt, and will it ever end...i thought it did, but i was wrong......wrong to think, wrong to love, wrong to be, i was wrong and always will be...now, leave me be....

I Woke Up....

Yeah, this is me just waking up...and I'm disgruntled, probably the how i fell alseep, anyways.....

so what's the day..thursday, yeah......and now i ask what to do with my life.....well you couldn't just let me be, let me rot in my own ignorance, bring me down some more..so just as i was breaknig out of this, agian i feel my depression taking over my body, Mr. Smith taking over bodies style...last night i cried, i don't want that baggering or hostility.. i don't know, as the song states, something like be on your way, you've got your's and i've got mine...something like that, can't remember. don't bring up the past, it's dead, everything's dead..unless you want me to go off on a rant and then break down crying and die in the end, just keep it quiet...i do noting here, yet still bring you down..blame me, find solice in me...what am i to do

i'm waking up, i need to get dressed or something, today's an unimportant day for nothing, time to eat..if anyone asks, my next day off is monday then saturday of next week.....and there will be no posts on monday.

Let the Holiday Season Begin.....

That's right folks, i have officially declared the holdiay season to have begun.....yay!!! So what makes me decide thisnow, right now asi sit here...well here's a little run down.......

Target started the hiring sweep of seasonal fucks..yeah even though it hasn't been in full force like last year, it's presence has been felt....the toy team has also been hired, now we are just waiting for the riser team, if they indeed do hire them this year...

i put some X-mas cd's in my car, hell yes jimmy buffet....but have been waiting for the appropriate time to play them....i can't play the shit too early..i was thinking after thanksgiving, that's when all the sales go, and everything is crazy go nuts...

but here's my clincher...i was out and bought some food from strackn van til...and what did i see, well not only see, but purchased...egg nog...hell yes egg nog!! i'm drinking the shit right now...i'll be buying it every night to drink at target, and soon, give it a couple weeks of straight drinking, will be egg nogged out for the season...

but just as the annual "wearing of the visor" to mark summer, this is the "drinking of egg nog" to let everyone know, the holidays are here. so go out and send your holiday spirit about....anyone want to join me in a trip to the mall on X-mas eve???

Quotes from the Quoted...
Wierd Science Quotes....

so while i was showering today, on my day off, i received this message.....

deleriousbrookie (11:07:33 AM) it must be nice to be lovely to someone
Auto response from Blue35Tuesday (11:07:33 AM) taking a shower because my lovely wants to get food, be back later...
deleriousbrookie (11:07:55 AM) how the hell can you say your life sucks...
deleriousbrookie (11:11:55 AM) i hate you. will you ever escape me?

so...yeah, what in the hell does that even mean??? for starters i'm refering to them as my lovely (though that's not really the truth, something filler i put in my away message to feel good about myself...), and I'm certainly nobdoy's lovely, never was, never could be, i'm me, not a worth dubbing lovely by anyone...

and yes my life sucks...i'd hate to have a duking out with out over the subject...i mean that's just terrible, kinda like that scene in that movie where they are arguing over who has better scars..whatever...

and the last part....i'm sorry that you hate me...sorry that last line makes my head turn in some dr claw sort of way....but whatever, you are a lovely to others, maybe not lovely, maybe other terms, but you have your little trogdor, and they their swan.....you have your group, you always have..and now i have mine and for some reason that's causing termoil...you made the choice, pick and choose, throw your blade..and go finish that job of yours....