Long Day, Longer Night....
Love Actually....

So the movie we decided to see was Love Actually..and actually I liked it, bests the hell out of me why, I mean it was a cheap, happy go lucky, movie/fairy tale esque movie...but I liked it..it was like the untwisted love version of magnolia...there were sad moments, happy moments, moments I could relate to, so I think overall I'd buy it. one point I felt so bad I wanted someone to hold me, yet wasn't wanting to reach out and touch someone else, but whatever...oh, yeah and I just realized, I paid for her movie..I think I was wondering how that came about after the purchase, but whatever....it becomes an official date once a payment like that is done, I never thought it was a date, damn people..but then again, good things come to those who pay for movie tickets...or so I was told?

anyways, we left the movie theater and went out to the parking lot in search of Vince and jimmy wit my vehicle...I heard the air horn go off and said, "that's my car" so we get in the car and start off...I ask where to and nobody cares, then someone mentions home..so I ask Xtina if she was up for a trip to Lowell...and she says sure..then I kept asking, making sure everything is ok, asking if she wants a change of clothes, asking if she really wants to go through with it..her only request was that she be back by 530 Sunday...so she starts directing me towards the highway and just as I am about to turn for the on ramp she says you can't be serious and got a little scared..so all in all we didn't go home at that time....

we went back to her dorm, Vince and jimmy waited in the car.....after the first 30 minutes they placed bets to see how much longer I'd be..one saying 7 minutes longer, the other 15 or so....they were off by a long shot...the dorm was small, smaller than my single, and she had a roommate..I guess I was lucky when I was at UofM..had it been a single I would have said it was nice, but damn, I kept forgetting not because the roommate (jimmy's girl) was gone. a couple hours later I come down and find them sleeping in the car..I suppose if Vince were in the backseat instead of the driver's I would have got in a drove away, but I woke them and asked if they would like to come up. Vince opted to stay in the car..Jimmy liked the dentist seat he was in, probably would have preferred it over the sleeping conditions he was about to get, but went up with me only to sleep on the floor...sorry. there were bunkbeds, but she wouldn't let us sleep on the bottom one because it was her roomies....

I couldn't get comfortable with someone laying next to me, and didn't much sleep...if it wasn't for the fact I was happy to sleep, I probably would have never passed out like I did. but nonetheless I woke up early and started to stir around waking up my other sleeping partners...we left EMU and got a going and back on the road..we took our turns driving, we were still tired, but we just needed that nap to get us re-charged...I never did go back for the notebooks or anything at UofM, it was too early..we got back to Lowell and parted our ways..I think everyone crashed in their respective beds after that...

so overall we made the best of the trip, it was fun, though I suppose the next trip I'll make by myself, just certain things I didn't/couldn't get accomplished there, less restrictions trying to cater to their needs, but oh well...I need my damn notebooks, and a nice blue shot glass, and cash in more cans - every passenger eats up $15+ worth of cans....I did have some inspiration, Xtina was a little muse of sorts, though sleeping there rid all those thoughts, so I guess it wasn't very productive..yeah I just need to spend a couple days up there, to myself, watching people walk around, sit around., it'll be good. so when will I be up again..well those same two made a bet when I will return.....I say sometime in January, then I will have two days off in a row and it'll be all good..but others have their doubts....

Yewah.....

Is that a typo..who knows....well anyways..i should really be stopping this post right now...but i won't, so here i go, thoguh i should,n't, but i just said that, and i'm going, but this could turn into some twilight zone of a post where i just keep gonig round and round with those same two thoguhts, control all movement of what happens in this litle blog..but stepping back from i'm moving on....

well obviously the medicine is kicking in...my head is getting cloudy and i started a rambling conversation with myself....nice huh..but agian i ma plagued by the ailment of last time..i only want to talk to myself, the ideas can't be writting/typed down....

well here's this....i wish i could play guitar as well as vince, everytime we meet up he's learned something cool..and me...well i sit here and wish i could do that....i may pick things up quickly, but it's that direction i am lacking, i can't teachy myself...anways...

vince is a god, damn him and his greatness, creativity, and everything else...but i like the fact he can transform my piles o crap into something pleasing...my song makes me happy, i just kinda played it....and the other one with an ironic ending...

well looks like a trip to michigan is in the works....who knows, it's possible, i would love for something like that..the more the merrier i suppose, like ol times..god am i a worthless fuck...

my thoguhts are varying....i need something to do, and won't post just yet....brb....

yeah had a good conversation with myself a minute ago...it was sad, and who knows what we were talking about, i rambled, who cares, nobody will remeber, and it's just the same undermeaning that runs in all my thoughts....you know it's funny how must justify and get justification for everything....i present things like it is a trial, when who the fuck cares, or better what, why the fuck should i give it all that thought....why am i doomed with this fate....why can't i just walk away from it all..why isn't there places for this, like startanew.com...that'd be kick ass..it'd be like the FBI's relocation protection agency..yeah, i would take that chance..i'd miss somethings and people, but i think the end would justify the means...why not...

so now i must figure out why/what/or where something like that....i think my problem is i got my feet stuck in mud..but that's how i am on certain things, should you always dive right in, not looking back...maybe so...think about it, you walk through you're just trying the mud...you run through or jump in, then you can say you gave it your all, so it failed, you gave it your all and it wasn't good enough, move on....

i don't think i understand anything i just posted...feeling sad right now, medicine is causing some wicked depression..i feel like crying....

if i were in a car accident in the morn, i wouldn't be hit til that evening.....

maybe that last line explains it, who knows......but i'm done

Missing a post...
Just some quick updates....

ok well i had a post i was working on, thought i saved it as a draft, but it's gone now..huh......

anyways here are some updates..well last night at target i punched in with 29 hours, damn...so they were trying to figure out what to do with me..first they told me to go home at 4, and then come in at 12 tonight....but that might still leave some room for pushing the hours and would have to be sent home early agian....so then they decided it wasn't worth my while to drive up for a only a couple hours..so they let me stay last night til we were done and gave me tonghit off...hell yes three day weekend..in november..mark that on the calendar, won't see that eve happen again....

oh yeah, speaking of target, last night we had a double truck, kicked my ass hardcore man..so many F'ing toys for backstock, two other people finaly came over to help me out, one for the other end of backstock and one for toys, but it was too late, we were basically screwed and surving by a thread...so then afte that, and after first break my hair is in all diseray and Gary comes up to me and says (go gary, getting quoted twice...), "what, are you trying for that momma boy i got that gay curl dangling in front of my face mystique look?" at first i was shock, paused, looking up, added a smile to my face and said," no...no i am not......i'll go fix it" it was very Schlotsky (or whoever) sandwich commercial-esque..you know the on where the guy asks the other guy no the bench if he was raised by wolves, and he pauses, thinks (dream sequence), then says, yes, yes i was, hmmm....god the mirror imagery of it makes me laugh..or maybe it's the subtle situational truth irony of it all..who knows, i got a kick out of and then changed my hair as to not look like a faggot by messing it up even moreso..damn my hair having no direction lie myself....

and starting next week, well sunday, overnights has to come in at 11:30, but because i am special i get clock in at 11:00 like flow, yeah i rock because i'm a bitch....go figure...

ohh..i got my car back today..is was a happy event.....it looks good,of course it was dark, but it's all shiny and washed, yay..and get this...vicne said, "oh you did a nice job"..me, "with what?" "oh so you didn't clean the car.." and i looked inside, and be damned if they didn't vaccuum it out, they even cleaned the seats and everything..i was more than pleased...so for once lowell body shop pleased me, i knew they would take awhile with the vehicle, longer than planned, but nothing outrageous this time...yay to that....

Ohh...4:00 was crazy...people were lost, we saw people 8 times, sad events, stories exchanged, you're a whore, free food, and the blues...couldn't wrap it up any better..oh yeah, picture that will give me nightmares til the day i die....anyways....

vince and i wrote up two songs..he wrote one and dictated to me..it was nice, of course i like everything he makes...and then he added the musical accompaniment to my song i wrote two months ago..i had words and everyting, it was my stroke of genious that led to a bunch of crap ever since, but he liked the song...yeah, it's pretty, kinda sad, but it's there.....maybe i'll play it for you sometime.....

and yeah, blues day...everybody had some sort of falling out....i'm not going to get into it, but things just went down..defiantly blues......my life may be a circle, but gonig in them sucks...i guess until i figure out the pattern, god i feel like i'm a 14 year old....shit i'll never grow out of this...and i'll never learn from anything, maybe not get caught, but that's about it.......

Drive it like you Stole it......
Pim-pala...

Still got the Impala..i guess the only cool thing about it is the fact i can cal it a pim-pala...but it's missing a lot of characteristics that would appear to make it pimp worthy....

I pulled into the Target parking lot the first night i had the damned thing, and i come raoring through, tires a-squeeling, just crazy like (about as much as i could with a V-6...)and i get out of my car and gary was outside smoking a cigarette and was like, "damn, i was wondering who that was...then say it park and knew it was you....you driving it like you stole it.." and that's true, i'll run any damn rent-a-car into the ground...moreso than i do my car already....shit if i had the money, i'd be doing that with any of my cars...i'm being inconvienanced...so i'm just taking advantage of it and having my fun....

yeah, and since i get to target before most of the crew, i was inside doing my thing, and people had no idea if i was there or not...but when they found me they immediatly asked if i got a new car..of ourse i told them about my hate for that car, then they go into the schpeal about, "oh yeah, i saw that car there and was like, that's not jason's, but it ismost defiantly his parking job...." hell yes i have a characteritic parking job...

and i was gonig to take a picture of the car to show to ya'll, but damn, i forgot, sorry

I've Gotta Post for You...

Yeah, it's been a long day...and waiting around in...waiting rooms always killed me....in fact hospitals genereally creep me out, i feel so....like i don't want to be there...ahh well, i sat in front of a muted TV set on the Wacko Jacko fiasco...aghhhhh

oh, so I'm sick and taking my cough suppressiant with Robotussin in it..yeah robo-tripping....well i took two cap fulls, because i saw somewhere two, which was two teaspoons....which in fact is less than quarter of the cap.....so yeah i defiantly OD'ed on robotussin...something like 10 times the standard dosage..still trying to figure why they gave me such a big cap....

so what's it like to quasi-robo-trip....nothing grandiose....it's kinda like being drunk really, you have that constant head pressure, not necesarilly a headache, but something's there...you sway and stagger and tumble and try to keep your balance becuase you're kinda dizzy.....you can sit there and think you are alright, then you try to get up and, well, can't make it....you can also feel yourself coming out of it as well....kinda as if you head starts to become uncloudy...i did like the fact that my eyes were really dialated, yeah, and i had on this fun glazed gaze as i smiled and looked around...one thing i thoguht was great, while i read the label i came across a warning to not use it if you are depressed..hahaha....but what disappoints me is the fact i didn't have delusional thougts, no rapid speach, i did get a little hyper coming down from it, but nothing that was mind altering so to speak...hell i can drink and get the same thing with better results...just make sure there aren't certain people around, he he he....ohh, one thing i thought was funny..so i was thinking, thoughts were coming and going, and actuallyi did have a concrete train of thought, but i couldn't, or rather didn't, want to write anything down on paper..when i started to i lost my thoguhts and was like, "blah"...and this really gets me going....i was on the verge of calling people up and sayig what i truly thought of them, shit, i had like 4 conversations played out in my head, it was crazy..but had i not been able to use my cell, and the battery was dying, i probably would have made those calls...thank you to the enclosed closet i was in for a 4 hour duration...

i was wondering where barcus ran off to, i haven't heard from him in several days..but i did get a call on the way back to lowell that he wanted to do soemthing..and vicne was in town, of course i alreday knew that from a voicemail my lovely sent...so now the question is...do i go hang out wit them now, or stay and get some sleep because i've been up all day and i have to work tonight..it's a double...we'll see what happens....

Grrr...Titles are Hard to Make...
so much effort and i don't have the right tools, damn left handed screwdriver...

how to start this.....i'll go just with the random thoughts, no order..and away we go......

i hate waking up, well moreso when i am sick. i wake up and feel worse than death...yeah i am most defiantly getting sick. i coughed at work and could taste my phlem...defiantly geting sick, kind of early in the season, but who knows, maybe it's just going to be stronger...even more than the years prior, this could be the crippling one..we could only hope...

here's a quick quote i said this morning..."alright, i'm going to bed, and if and when i wake, stay clear, i'll be one pissed off mofo..." just commenting that i'd be mad to wake, and when i do, and realize i'm awake, yeah i'll be upset, make sense?

my hand became crippled after playing an excess of barre chords...ohh the pain, damn the guitar and it's provocative ways...

oh quick appology to a certain someone who just confronted me online about something i said in a post a week ago...though you weren't mentioned specifically, you knew it was you, and made a poor judgement...whoops, you know i love you..

yeah that wa an appology, good thing it is archived, lord knows those don't happen often unless i mean 'em..

maybe that is some sign to not say what's on my mind, or things i really mean, or anything like that.....i've been comtenplating posts that just tear into two people (off the top of my head two...)..and hell, i'd do both to their face, one i would prefer, the other i would want on here as public humiliation just for being a bitch ass punk...rethinking.....

wait....holy crap....this makes me realize something.....if a certain post made a certain someone made.....then that means they read, or started reading.....ohhhh crap......they would then know what i've thought of them, said about them, and every other little fornicating detail......let's hope to god they just started reading, and are too lazy to read the archived pages.....but damn i just typed this, and if they constantly read my blog, they'll read this, then they will get curious, and ohhh hell...

Hahaha, this brings me joy....everybody can slightly remember my AIM list setup, the horrible profane names i used to group the peoples, except for one certain grouping, it remained sacred...well now every group has such names, it's one big textual assualt on them that i need to do nothing to aquire the joy....hell yes i laugh.....

and so i am either horribly unoriginal, or just say what's on my mind all the time.....talking to said personmentioned before, they asked about my rant a car, i am quoted as saying, "it's a nasty sand colored impala, i hate it"..they respond with.."yeah, i just read that.."..so yeah, maybe it's a combination of both...my thoughts on things really don't change, and i constantly speak my mind...therefore giving same responses to same questions...A will always equal B...whatever....

i'm ending it here, be back later......

Car-otes???

alright..i got to have something here....hmmmm, can't leave witout a quote...... oh, this is bad...

so the other night at target we are talking bout random things on break, like normal, who knows what go it going....but going off of a semi-car theme in my latest posts, i'll give you a joke....

Q: What makes helen Keller a bad driver?
A: She's a woman!

ok, yeah that was funny...and the latest car accident caused discussion while i was at alco...i said something to the effect, "this is why we don't get back together with ex-es"....(i show them the pic of the car)..."and that's why i don't let people drive my car, if it's going to be in any accident, it'll be on me..." then someone chimmed in, you let bla drive your car..then i thought, and started saying out the names of people who have drove Lucille...they tried to make a lier out of me, but really, the list, if that, is short....everybody knows come hell or high water i'll be damned to give up my car for someone else to drive, let alone without me in the passenger seat....

Just a Little Something Something....

Let's see...things are wired....let's say this, people shouldn't get back together with ex-es, and from this weekend's rub, I'd say not even hang out with them..yeah we're going pretty far here...kodee and kody (narcissistic bastards) got back together, don't even want to get into that ordeal. why do we hate the ones we love? then we got barcus, who wanted to have coffee at the truckstop round 6 on sunday, along with a certain someone...however neglecting the prior plans to go to the movies with someone else...going against the statement I said at the beginning of this post, his car ended up paying the price. luckily nobody was hurt, and the tree is ok too...

I've been remembering my messed up dreams...today's was really messed up, went 8 different ways, and there were things that would only happen in a movie...went to a pyschologists office thinking it was just a regular doctor, and there was a girl with me, and she had been in a dream similar to this one before, though I don't know who she is...she comes off a a friend that I can tolerate, who knows...but as we ran out of there me trying to understand what happened I'm asking her does she remember what happened, because we had this dream before, and that's all I know, but she tells me the future, what I want to know, what has happened in the past, and be damned if I don't remember, give me some time.....well while we're talking about what happened and I'm driving, bob dylan's shelter from the storm comes on the radio..I'm jamming to it of course, and even start singing certain versus that stick out...well I wake up right after she tells me the future and sure as shit, that song is playing on my computer..but the thing is, the lyrics that I sang in the dream had yet to be played, only a minute later did they play, and the song wasn't out of order or anything..really wired...

so I got this weekend off, how crazy is that, sat and sunday to run around..what to do what to do....I've been wanting to go to michigan..so I'll say it again, I want to go to michigan..and I never made it to indy, but that's kinda lost it's potential...then again I might be stuck here if a certain someone throws the ball..so it's all up in the air and it's only tuesday....

oh..and hirata's called me to say progressive came out and they started working on my car again...and I should have it back by thursday or friday of this week, no later...how many times did I hear that.....so looks like I got the impala for a couple more days, probably the weekend as well. damn I really hate not having my car, I become so attatched to al it's little conveniences..yeah sad...

so I work again tonight..and I know I will get sick(er)..so I might in the end be spending my weekend on my death bed. I'll do my best to get by until then....

It's a Small World....

Alright, so get this...michelle bates does in fact work at Alsip..or is it Alsip's..Alsip..Alsip's....I'm not crazy....but it gets a little funnier...she is engaged to jeff, one of the people I work with at target..I mean he said his girlfriend's name was michelle, but come on, there are many michelle's out there...so that ties in with the friend of jeff, pete, who knew me because he went out with debbie pioth,who was in my newspaper class..crazy....

This is a Funny Post...

ohh ohhh ohhh....so i was sick last night, and i took a pic of the "medication", so you tell me what's wrong wit this picture???



Answer: I'm still alive..ha ha ha ha, but really....the "tussin" was the onlything that really kicked in, i was patrially "robo-tripping" if you could call it that...notice the Altoid case..yeah we all know what's in there, "Barcus, not the small ones they're.." And thanks for the Tylonal 3, not naming names, but yes, that was good...over all though everything counter acted with everything else...and after the first couple hours i was fine, better in fact....i was dizzy, but not fully in my delusional state like i normally would be when i'm sick, so if anything i failed at what i was doing...i ended up cooking those potatoes during the 3 hour dazed state, so that kept me in one spot and my head didn't spin anymore...

today i wake up feeling better, though my throat's a little raspy right now, but the voice is back...i know i'm getting sick...it's there, but nobody can tell, them it will hit me all at once..well i'll do what i can in the meantime, til then....

Musicology...

Yes, very well....so I've been listening to various music, iguess I'm either bored or just want to reach out and see what else is going on out there....and I tell you, I like some stuff, but most of it still sucks....

so let's talk about dave mathews...yeah, he decides, hey I need to break away from this and go solo...but your fucking band is called the dave mathews band...that's your god damned name, it's basically as if you were solo..it's not dave mathews and the other queer guys, it's just your name. I would say how dare you even think about breaking away from your band to pursue some stupid shit like this.....and what the hell is up with the music....yeah you're little revival music, with songs like "gravedigger" and "save me", I just want to beat the shit out of you...if anything the rest of your old band should take this as an opportunity to go out on their own, because if this is "your" sound, I thank them for stopping it from coming out before.....If you sucked before, on solo you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.....

speaking of religious bands...Creed, pod, evensongs....I don't mind religious undertow's in the songs, but don't hide from, if that's what you are going for, say it out right, don't play it off cool make it big then say, oh yeah, we're hardcore Christians...I lose repect for you...but off of that, what's wit these religious outcomings....why does it have to be christianity...why can't we get some eastern religions in there as well....or better yet, why don't people sing about the Greek and Romans gods like they used to.....come on achilles last stand...let's get some crazy gothic shit going on here people, that's what we want to hear, some good ol history thrown into the mix, I could care less if you believe when you look at your daughter, we need some gods of thunder coming at us....

so I've been downloading this music as well, everything from rap, alternative, chick singers, punk..whatever it may be.....got some problems....avril, yeah she could be attractive, if she lost the I wanna be a punk rock girl look, she's going for hardcore, but can't pull it off, sorry, go wash up in the bathroom and put on some real makeup.....

punk is punk, it can get you going, you don't have to sing to play it, it comes off a little too loud for me, but some things are ok....the excessive swearing doesn't help either...

and I can't seem to understand some songs...I know I'm dumb, I should be able to figure what they are talking about, or at least somebody should if they play it on the radio...to think about it, most of the shit is just random crap people write for themselves, nobody their circle will ever know what the hell it is about..I could talk about an empty plastic water bottle, make a song out of it,and only two people would know what's it about.....so quit writting songs about some damn chimpanzee and fucking postcards.....

oh god, I can't stand the next group...ok as I said, I've been listening to everything, screaming punk, hardcore rap shit, but this..ohh this my friend I cannot stand while sober. it's one thing to be emo, it's another to be whinny..sing out your emotions, great, but the sound of it..god kill me...I haven't been able to play a song of theirs for more than 15 seconds, even that was by accident...I'm giving them some more tries, but until then I'm going to keep hitting my head against the dashboard..

god they fucking suck..sorry, next....

oh rumors are circulating again that Led Zeppelin is going to reunite and go on tour....oh hell yes...If this were true, I would do anything for tickets...dance, kill, sell my body and soul, not a problem..anything to see them in concert because the damn delorean won't start for me.....
speaking of selling.....I don't know if this has been done before, I know certain things have like selling icicles, ass whoppings, body parts, but this, could I sell my virginity on e-Bay??? that'd be so badass..I think I need zach to look into this....

music is crazy, and I could never write it...If I ever got te lyrics, I know for damn certain I wouldn't be able to get any musical parts for it...I'll enjoy listening to it, making my comments and write my little random scratches in my notebook...

so I'm downloading lots of crap..I think I'll get back into the techno thing once again...why not, you can never run out of techno, there's millions of mixes...you'll never get 'em all, but you can die trying...so yeah, I'm gonna start doing that, unless there are suggestions from the crowd...

I Did It...
Breakdown...

yeah, so no posting for monday november 17th...I'm good, anyways....stuff went down, forgot all what....I'm getting sick..yeah sunday was pretty bad. target came close to sending me home from work they were so worried about me..I slept on both breaks, was dizzy, nauseous, couldn't find it in me to even want to work, not even to get by, took a mike L shit break, that helped a little, but damn if they don't page me because I'm needed for something....I did get better as it entered the day, though my voice went...

got my rent-a-car....a sand colored impala...as if the car wasn't bad enough, it's f'ing sand colored....and I know I will have it for more than just two days....in fact hirata's called me to say they found more damage when they removed the bumper (duh) and progressive couldn't get out to look at it today, so they inturn weren't able to further work on the car....ohhh hell....

and I was so sick/tired, after I was on the phone, actually on hold for five minutes or so, I hung up, and fell to the floor, waking up round 5 despite the traffic in and out of the room and numerous phone calls...dead to the world, if only right?

didn't make much of my day off, probably because I was sick..wearing the yellow hoody made me get out though, damnation....yeah I got the theory about this hoody....I wear hoodies to signify I'm having a lazy/bumming around sort of day, in other words a day off...and I like to wear my grey/gray one..but somebody has that one and I was forced to wear this yellow one..well it's soft and I like it all, but it's yellow, it's vibrant and catchy..the color alone makes me get up and want to do things....kinda defeats the purpose of a lazy day.....anyways

I did in fact do something, I made some potatoe thingies...double baked potatoes, yeah how badass am I..it looks all fancy...but to tell you the truth, they weren't so hot, I mean they tasted alright and all, but I will have to work on them again....but I did mash them by hand, god am I hurting now, but they look pretty, enjoy the pic...

Rambling Worse Than..Well, Me...


for my dark part of the day, crucifix style on my car is how i lay, staring into the pointless sky, couldn't tell if my lids were open if it weren't for the subtle light piercing the corner of my eye, i cling to a fallen lock that curls round my heart side, the other relentlessly flicks at a zippo whose flame died. gasping for one more take, breaths of another chance, a different dance, ohhh how we've heard it'll be the last, what's another cage of mine to break. an infatuaous whimsical charade, in which my character lasts but a week, falling victim as one of her many prey, i end with a the kiss to my cheek. your name gives a facade of solace, and i fell victim to your siren calls. hidden from the storm by your face, only tro the depths of the ocean i fall. and on that plane i climbed aboard, knowing certainly well what i was in for; but now it's time for me to get back to the ground, onto something that's steady and won't mess around. Below are the runners and lights i can clearly see, looking familiar from some PanAm flight of 103. And thus the store comes to a close, and all them who left, everybody knows, the story of my rose- blossom, as she flawlessly commits the same and goes. to think, i had you for all in that little duration, but i was the one who fought the temptation. cursed be that of my slow nature, taking those steps of forethought, intensifying the bounty for which i fought, with a love of a child that will never mature. i didn't give you what you desire, you play with your tongue bitten, acting as if you're trying out for the choir, and i can't edit what's been written. been called a fool many time before, but you must have spotted me out of the blur, by the stained clothes i wore. yes, though it may seem hazy, i was what you wanted to incur, i see now your ploys were chivy. This had to be your simplest victory, yet the saddest one never to speak..for there was no treasure, nothing to gain pleasure, in the havoc that you reeked. we run and hide in opposite fates, you to the nightly lips of another grace. Then there goes me, born to loose, and running from all the likes of you, knowing to never tempt fate with a branch from a similar tree...


I said i won't post tomorrow, death be the day, but i know i will, I'll give in, i always do..but then again, maybe i should take a break, give the readers some time to catch up...zach made a comment on the last post, apparently that's where he believes he left off..who knows, time off is good right? thought you'd never ask....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hahahaha, sorry, actually posting now..anways..yes, giving it your all, throwing all you got...knives, stones, words, spit, this is great..........I couldn't help but laugh at some contrived little foolish girly post...thanks for the away message, brings joy to me every time..you know, if it's one thing i learned from you, from all this, well, it's a life lesson and i thank you, actually not really, i guess i'll take it as some form of parting gift of wisdom..anyways, i guess this is why i can't write certain things, i'm doomed to an eternity of this hell on earth...anywas...push and shove, do what you do....be gone forever child, I've got one more post that mentions the mere essence of you, then it's so long Marianne..don't worry I won't think twice for I know your time is gonna come....

hahahahaha......

Untitled...

Here it goes....completly random and off the part of my brain that stings.....

so i do this litle blog thing, i make posts, i write about random crap which hardly anybody reads, and what they do seems to grasp as they skim they could give less of a crap about....do i care, no..you know why? because i don't do it for anyone......ok, granted zach got me gonig with this, and i thank him for it, back last year when he got me set up, yeah i had been wanting to get one of these things to write about my days events..this feelng can go all the way back to "jackie's", which was back in feb/march time of that same year, but it took another 6 months before i finally did something about it.....there were tings going on in my life i wanted to write about, least for my records...and yes i do have a journal, and many notebooks full of scratches of jarbled writtings, but that took so much time and effort, and never got on the ball with it, it lasted only a little bit, like all my other hobbies and half finished things....

but as i was saying, i don't do this for anyone, yes i know zach does get enjoyment out of reading it, makes his days go by catching up on what's going on in other people's lives, and yes he was probably the ultimate force in getting my ass in habit with my posting regularly...so for that thank you..of course i didn't like the bickering when i was working 80 hour weeks with little time to sleep, run around and post...grr, anyways, so this is all done for me bascially, it's my little account of what's going on, and when it all happened. so bah...just like a little historian og my own life, yeah i liked history back in the day, and i lvoe the history channel, but cable is out, so fuck it.....but i post for my records only, and i like to get feedback when i sak questions, or try to get something from different people's popint of views...i know not many people read this, nothing exciting really happens on here, except for the fact it gets updated about every day, and i'll make up for time i slacked off, so yeah....

and what i write isn't a lie, it's tings tat actually happen, i'm sorry if any of it bothers you...do i intentionally write tings to piss people off....well let's just say the best way to fight fire is with fire.....i may alter the wording tostab a little harder, add in some things i would normally leave out if i know it's going to be a low blow, but all is done in recourse to what do as well....pis me off i'll piss right back......i don't want to make wars out of things, but when you toy with certain things, be it mind and heart, then you've crossed the barrier and i get to throw my subtle blows...so i'm sorry if things get a little crazy..but as i have said before to others, if you don't lie it, don't read it..but enquirering minds want to read...be it so....i have the same problem, this would have never happened if you never wrote what you did to begin with..but it can go further back than that, rather do what you did, i know you keep certain things to yourself, and don't publish them,but let little things slip out or so slightly, and only a few can see the flash of light, while the others blink......anyways..

sorry i started directing this towards one person......back to my rant....well i discussed most of what was on my mind, gonig off on a couple tangents, whcih has now cloudy the rest of my road, but i'm happy with where i ended up at......i think i wanted to add in something about not acheiving anytihng, or not being productive or creative.....i think i just want my break, don't know when it will happen, but i want it now of course....i'm an nontalented, partially inspired, partially uninspired depending on what we're talking about, failure on so many words..oh i just got what i wanted to talk about, well if not what i got will suffice...but as for now i'll end it here..i've got to go to work, be it as it may, i'll go..til tomorrow

Just Some Stuff....

I'm posting a lot lately..why is that, am i inspired, is something causing creativity, and from that there are two kinds of creativity; progressive and destructive..which way am i leading, well i know sure as hell it ain't good....

oh, so i'm noticing that nobody likes the "quotes" part of my bloggings now..or at least nobody's commenting on them...i figure i would take those little things out of my normal postings, making the normal posts a little shorter, and add some flava to my blog by making it like a little series, plus i would get to talk about whatever the quote was in more detail becuase i wasn't restrained by other crap in the post....alright it will continue only to make me happy.....

So let's see....I have monday off, yay to monday off, not sure what i am going to do with that day off, but i'll tell you i will not have a blog post, due to the date, i refuse to make any sort of post...yeah call it whatever, it's a day off to reflect? whatever...then i have saturday and sunday off in that same week...too bad they weren't together, but lord knows i would just gamble them away doing nothing..maybe i'll do something, it's not every day i get two days off in a row, let alone the weekend....anybody want to take another road trip..ha ha ha

funny..i met a girl named sagan..yeah how wierd is that, but she goes by her middle name of racheal...of course i always call her sagan....just something about funny names like that which makes me happy, well i guess it depends on the person...sparkle is just wierd beyound belief...

and i got a question....just how many, and how often do you girls out there wear thongs....have i been lead astray from the truth based off of a certain instance, or am i now being taking away from reality.....i was given the preassumption that thongs were worn when you where kahkis and by sluts....yeah.....so is this true or am i, and the person who implemented most of these ideas in my head, crazy? this was broguht up solely by the fact that i noticed a certain someone always wearing a thong....not like i was intentionally looking for it, they would bend over or something and there you would see an eye catching glimpse of that...of course panic struck me like a bucket of water, maybe this was a once in awhile thing.....but then it started happeneing every day, now i am worried, why in the hell would you wear a thong everyday, unless you wanted the cock?

ok i got a good laugh and wandered off from the computer..new post....

Q-uo-tes....with a K
Do it for them, and in return you'll be doing for yourself....

Alright, so yesterday i visited olivia briefly at work, this was around 5 or so to see what time she was going on break....well the poor thing was feeling sick, and so i tried doing what i normally would do in given situation.....i asked her if she needed anything, wanted to go home, this and that...and since i was leaving, remember i said briefly, i offered her the oppurtunity to ask for something while i was out...and then of course i went in a ramble with my fast and quick, answering myself, speach....i rambled about wanting oranges, chicken noodle soup, and then i "said" if she wanted something from the mall, how bout a cinabon, she obviously declined everything...

but of course I went off into my world about "ohh that sounds good", and since i was hungry and hadn't eaten and was tryingto decide while i was there, someone suggested i go get that for myself...i stopped in my ramble, looked at them and laughed...i said, "what, no, are you kidding me, that'd be stupid..why would i endure the lengthy drive, time and money spent, and wasted energy just to please myself and put a smile on my face when i know that the spinning thing right there would suffice....but for someone else, yeah, i'd do it; to them it means a lot more, or should unless they take you for granted, i wouldn't think twice about doing something random like that, nearly killing myself, to put a smile on their face, because that in itself is pleasing to me....lord knows i don't do for myself.." and wit that comment the stunned audience chuckled it in, they knew it was true, but the randomness of my speach was suprising..i got a good laugh out of it, and now a post...

alright, but what i said was bascially true...i could have goneand goten myself a cinabon if i so wished, i have that power...but the end result of filling my stomache with an overpriced danish with an enduring night drive to the dark land wouldn't componsate everything else....yeah it would have been nice, but there are other things that can please me just as well, and i'll just find something to eat that tastes good and fills me up, let my pleasure be lured in by moving ceilnig tiles or flashy things that also make noise, call me ADHD, but i find the small things in life worth enjoying...but as i was saying, had somebody else wanted it, not a problem, i'll be back in a flash...my reward lies in their gift...and if you make somebody hapy by doing something "small" like that, they're worth it....

I Can't Think of Good Titles As of Late....

so last night i got sick, like a stomache sickness...and you know why, because i ahd pizza, lordy i haven't gotten sick from pizza in a long time. but i used to all the time, i would eat it and garuntee to be feeling sick later...well like i said, hasn't happened since i don't know when, but last ngiht i got sick...and today, you know what i've been eating, every time i wake up and start moving around, that other damn pizza...it's so addicting....and the pineapples taste so good when cold, it makes me happy..anyways...

i'm doing my "coke user syndrome" thing...where i open a can of coke, leave the room and open another one there, leave that one there, go to another room, want a coke, open yet a third one....i guess no matter what i'll always have a damn can of pop around, but it's not very good on the mind, especially when i don't realize what's going on and think it's the same one i've been drinking all this time...


and so today is saturday..and what am i doing, absolutly nothing..it's six, and i sit here..am i bored, do i want to do something, is there anyone to do things with.....so quit complaining, i'll cope with my situation, bitch to myself about being lonely, this and that, and tomorrow will be another day....you think life's so hard.....

life is monotonous, you go through cycles of this and that, you have habits, whether you think you do or not, nobody is completly sonpatneous where they don't have such habits or cycles...it's the harmoious balence in a chaotic world...there needs to be some order, and repition is what brings it home, having that balance....butit's not always like that....every here of vacations, yeah, those allow for people to brewak their norm and go off on those wild tangents, which allows them to live a little more, because yes, you do have to break the monotony ever now and then...but you can't do it all the time, you'd be throughing the rules right out the window and anarchy would ensue....look i'm not preaching living a dull and boring life, i'm justsaying don't bitch about life when it does get like that, because that is one of life's little perks so to speak, it's part of it's character, you may not like it, but cope, there's nothing to can do about it..enjoy the small breaks inbetween and find happiness in other things, that's what life is about...damn

alright, sorry about that last rant, just one of those things i started typing and didn't stop...but i'll end tis one, i have more to type about, i know it, but this is getting long and i don't want to anger people....

Good Mourning...

yeah so i just got back from work at target tonight..short night, yay..and there was a party in electronics, which means everyone came at the last second to help me ass out with the backstock up there....oh, i keep forgetting to mention, but we got new LRT's, actually called PDT's, it's our little gun contraption thingy..i like the new holster for then, can't do the draw in the middle of the aisles anymore, but it's all good....

i was talking to myself last night, to myself in my head, not aloud, though that happens as well and people think i'm crazy..crazier...anyways...i havea post, i do i do...

it was broguht to my attention that i am probably getting sick...yeah seems right for this time of year...seems like my whole bodyu just goes out on my around this time, both physically and mentally..so be it

yeah today has been a kick in the ass..i still have yet to beleive it's friday, well now saturday, but oh well...things aren't going like they should, rather how i would prefer them to go...i'm starting to loose grounds,so now i'm clinging, it's not what i wanted to do, but my only response, it will not turn out pretty...and i got sick tonight, i even passed out on break for the duration of, not eating a thing, i got really hungry really quickly......i was just messed up tonight...

oh, what could have go me really messed up was our little techno rave thingy tonight....yeah so we purchased these glow sticks at meijer on clearance for $.87, how badass, they look like normal glowsticks, but are battery powered, k-rad indeed...so we're having some fun spinning them, making our coments, then i look at the ceailing fan....get the crazy idea, and thus was born our rave....we sat for over an hour just staring at the lights spin round our heads..all we needed was a little dewey and some ex..tra strength nyquil for my cold... look, i took a pic, it's spinning...



yeah i was upset yesterday, before the rave, because i was all up for being a productive member of soceity, i wanted to do something worth my time, i wanted to find a problem, and sit there all night figuring it out..don't ask me, but yeah i was even willing to call off work when i realized i had to go in last night..(i know it goes agianst the productive member of soceity thing i just said..) but then we had that rave and i got tired and dizzy and dehydrated, and yeah, it was good, but killed me..so that was the end of anythign worthwhile coming out of me for a long time....well that's all for now, more to come...

If You Don't Give a Damn, We Don't Give a Fuck....

So I pulled out early, from my trip that is, i made it midway, but not there, anyways, i went to alsip anyways....oh, i saw a girl that looked cute like michelle bates there..but i thought she went to college, but it was happiness, if was her, regardless it's niceto know that more than 50% of my class, and those i know are complete dropouts, failures not necessarilly....

read some rolling stone today, yeah i read things that are short, keeps my attention for long enough....i want 16 years of guitar under my belt, but i don't, i'll sit here and rot, write rotten shit, rot, funny word...anyways

coulda swore i had something to say here....had some sort of quasi-rave with glow sticks and a fan...had i been rolling, i'd been in heaven, took pics with my phone....and i took some pics while i was at alsip's as well..ok they are blasphemous, but hey, i liked them...also thought of some crazy ideas, zach would appreciate...

so then i thought about if i had that digital camera i so wanted...yeah, that'd make me happy, but that's a big thing, and of course my lfie revolves around the littler things...boobies not breasts, ha ha ha, i'm laughing on the inside, not really.....anways...

so then yeah, about what zach was saying...colleen was a photographer...yeah she had some cool pics, but it's about being in the right place at the right time.....there's little skill to the process, unless you have to devolop your own film, but if you go digital, and non-manual with a camera, you're doing nothing but being there.....now unless you start getting fancy and altering the pic, say with photoshop or psp..then that takes talent, but that's a different talent, granted it's an artsey talent, you are alter a pic, whether you mosaic it, or blend your pics, or whatever, talent on the computer, not with the shot......just as if you put 1000 monkeys behind 1000 typewriters you'll get the best novel..same goes with taking pictures, you carry a camera around with you every second of the day, you're bound to see the beauty of life and have many pics..some good, some great, it's all in the moment......

but yeah, i like to take pictures, and i know other people who do as well..if i could, i would carry around a camera all the time, along with that damn voice recorder...i'm not too big into the picture motion machine, but when it coems to filming movies or things like that, i'm there...i guess there's nothing worth filming in my life, everything can be captured in one shot.....usually....

so i was just talking a second ago..doing my quick speach thing...god i sound like a jack...i don't talk right, well, or normal.....at least nobody's harassing me about the pauses in my speach...damnation......anwyays

this is it for now, gonig to run around hoping to crash into something that will keep me entertained for the mean time...

More Quotations....

the word fo the day is "stipple".."stipple", say it with me class, "stipple", ryhmes with nipple.....anyways...

the word is brought to you by a coke advertisment at kerasotes theaters.....

story...at the movies on saturday (yeah, i can go way back for my quotes dammit) everyone3's all talking prior to the movie, and we're giggling in school girl fashion, sitting arangment, me, olivia, dewes, barcus.....dewes is talking to olivia about god only knows what, i turn and in normal me fashion mouthed someting as to distract him and make him giggle...and of course, like always, the person, this time olivia, realized dewes attention span off, turned to see me there finishing up what i said...of course you have to play it off as if nothing happened, and so i said i just turned to find dewes giggling, dewes with the back up support saving my ass this time agreed and said te timing was funny, she was just about to catch on, and we were talking about how it was funny, causing us to giggle, then dewes spots the word "stiple" on the movie screen and says, "look, stipple, that's a funny word"..out of a hilarious cover and for the fact the word does inded sound funny, i bust up laughing, causing a riot with dewes, totaly distracting everyone from what just ahppened, and there ended any problem, forgetting about what may have happened, we went on a merry ways never to speak of it agian....

so thank goodness for funny words at random to distract the attention off of something else, therefore getting you out of a pickle....i think if there were a word for that distraction, stipple would suit....

stipple...

Shoot Me....
with a camera...duh

so i got a gripe from this morning, was going to post, booted up ol Ziggy here, then passed out.....alright, so i'm driving home, i see this awesome sunrise..well the sun wasn't up yet, so it was just the skyline, partly bright, and then dark, i can't explain it...so i wanted to take a pic..i reach into my side compartment and grab my aps camera, i snap a shot, the roll is down..bout time is all i think, but i have no more film in my car....i deal with the situation, but as i near lowell the sun started coming up and it looked really cool...so i pulledoff to the side of the raod to get a better shot, over by the middle school.....so i go to the back seat and flip open that consol, grab the camera, it's light, it needs film....searching around i found some in my bookbag, but can't find my third camera in my bookbag, wouldn't do me any good probably, if i remember correctly it has black and white film in it...so i load up the camera and go to take my shot, it woerks, i want more, but it's not winding...mother bitch...that damn thing is broke, so i sat and fumbled but to no avail, damn broken camera, damn missed shot...that's be the point where somebody runs up to me and kicks me in the gonads....

Helpless...

so I just got this....as i sit pondering why i wake up every morning/afternon/whenever, wondering what to do with myself, i gathered this....

ok here's some quick facts...barcus and i are once agian friends, don't remember what the last scuffle was even about, but who ever does....and based off of what i just said, that implies we've had our difficulties with each other, fights, bickering, whathaveyou, all before, and agian who knows what about....then things get better and we hang out...and for the past whatever we've been hanging out more and more..this facet might be also helped by the fact that barcus and zak had a recent falling out...but whatever the case may be, barcus and i have been having more heart to heart talks or something to that extent...or maybe i've just been putting things together and seeing relationships between the two lives, but here is my conclusion: we are both hopeless romantics clinging onto the one hope that gives us the time of day.

wow, and i take a step back from that comment...but for those of you out there who can actualy look at and see both lives acting simultaneously, you have to see that.....i mean i can make the reference towards barcus, and i know that has been said to me about my ways as well, but until now it has hit me....that conclusion keeps ringing through my head and i keep laughing, i lke it. so what causes us to do so, the want to be needed, the need to be wanted, having something, wy is this so important that we keep tossing our hearts around, and that brings up a question of love....we aren't in love, we're just happy to have found someone to spend the day with, but when that fails, look out, we coming falling into a depressive stupor as well....i'm not going into it, nothing i say makes sense...but if there was help available for this, i would take it, this deals with too many different things and involves just more than myself..depression i can do whatever with, it's just me there, but this thing, two people at a time get hurt, and will it ever end...i thought it did, but i was wrong......wrong to think, wrong to love, wrong to be, i was wrong and always will be...now, leave me be....

I Woke Up....

Yeah, this is me just waking up...and I'm disgruntled, probably the how i fell alseep, anyways.....

so what's the day..thursday, yeah......and now i ask what to do with my life.....well you couldn't just let me be, let me rot in my own ignorance, bring me down some more..so just as i was breaknig out of this, agian i feel my depression taking over my body, Mr. Smith taking over bodies style...last night i cried, i don't want that baggering or hostility.. i don't know, as the song states, something like be on your way, you've got your's and i've got mine...something like that, can't remember. don't bring up the past, it's dead, everything's dead..unless you want me to go off on a rant and then break down crying and die in the end, just keep it quiet...i do noting here, yet still bring you down..blame me, find solice in me...what am i to do

i'm waking up, i need to get dressed or something, today's an unimportant day for nothing, time to eat..if anyone asks, my next day off is monday then saturday of next week.....and there will be no posts on monday.

Let the Holiday Season Begin.....

That's right folks, i have officially declared the holdiay season to have begun.....yay!!! So what makes me decide thisnow, right now asi sit here...well here's a little run down.......

Target started the hiring sweep of seasonal fucks..yeah even though it hasn't been in full force like last year, it's presence has been felt....the toy team has also been hired, now we are just waiting for the riser team, if they indeed do hire them this year...

i put some X-mas cd's in my car, hell yes jimmy buffet....but have been waiting for the appropriate time to play them....i can't play the shit too early..i was thinking after thanksgiving, that's when all the sales go, and everything is crazy go nuts...

but here's my clincher...i was out and bought some food from strackn van til...and what did i see, well not only see, but purchased...egg nog...hell yes egg nog!! i'm drinking the shit right now...i'll be buying it every night to drink at target, and soon, give it a couple weeks of straight drinking, will be egg nogged out for the season...

but just as the annual "wearing of the visor" to mark summer, this is the "drinking of egg nog" to let everyone know, the holidays are here. so go out and send your holiday spirit about....anyone want to join me in a trip to the mall on X-mas eve???

Quotes from the Quoted...
Wierd Science Quotes....

so while i was showering today, on my day off, i received this message.....

deleriousbrookie (11:07:33 AM) it must be nice to be lovely to someone
Auto response from Blue35Tuesday (11:07:33 AM) taking a shower because my lovely wants to get food, be back later...
deleriousbrookie (11:07:55 AM) how the hell can you say your life sucks...
deleriousbrookie (11:11:55 AM) i hate you. will you ever escape me?

so...yeah, what in the hell does that even mean??? for starters i'm refering to them as my lovely (though that's not really the truth, something filler i put in my away message to feel good about myself...), and I'm certainly nobdoy's lovely, never was, never could be, i'm me, not a worth dubbing lovely by anyone...

and yes my life sucks...i'd hate to have a duking out with out over the subject...i mean that's just terrible, kinda like that scene in that movie where they are arguing over who has better scars..whatever...

and the last part....i'm sorry that you hate me...sorry that last line makes my head turn in some dr claw sort of way....but whatever, you are a lovely to others, maybe not lovely, maybe other terms, but you have your little trogdor, and they their swan.....you have your group, you always have..and now i have mine and for some reason that's causing termoil...you made the choice, pick and choose, throw your blade..and go finish that job of yours....

What Is and What Never Should Be.....
Dulce....

So something happened that i really shouldn't have let happen...it's just one of those things, and i threw it all out on a limb..it was terrible......

so what is this act of atrocity i committed....i let Olivia read my blue notebook...yeah. it's not the blue journal book, lord knows i'd die if anyone were to read that thing, though some parts can be told to others, those are in the beginning where i wrote random quotes and this and that.....but i allowed her to read the blue michigan notebook.....it's a lesser degree than the journal, but as of late, it's been getting about equal.......

so what's in this blue michigan notebook, well it started out with song ideas, then lyrics, then poems, then turned into little rants......and yeah, covering a lot of different things...she started pulling the "you hate me" thing, good goff, rolls eyes to that mere adolencent idea, but also with a smiggin of reverse psychology in the mix as well......see she's banking on the fact that i wrote good tings about her in there, so pulling the "you hate me" thing will cause me to let her read the shit, good idea, back in sixth grade.....but it was also the push i needed to get the courage to throw the book at her and let her read it......

now during her reading, we sat in my car, i'm nervous and antsy as all hell, somebody's reading shit that came from me and it's for my eyes only....then i can tell she's stumbling over words, which if you are ging to read my shit, then you have to get the full idea..so i take it back and start to ramble off the words on the pages....yeah, trumbling hands, quiver in my voice that's muttered underneath my breath....

so how did it end you ask...haha,probably the worst way it could.....so after the reading, there's my, well that's it...then the awkward silence, and her saying she should probably get back to work (granted her break was becoming over at that point....still not good) then i was like, you can't just leave like that....then she says it was nice, sad and sweet, but good........what in the hell, obviously lying to me to make me feel better, i ramble, it's not good..i may have a good idea, o good line, but the whole thing is crap.......

anyways.....after she said that, a killing word of sweet.....ughh, that word is literaturary death, from a lover's standpoint.....it's kind of like asking that one girl to the dance, that's how she would turn you down...or making a card for someone asking them to be your valentine, that's how you would get turned down, or like making a poem for somebody and that's how they turn you down....."that's sweet" is rejection in it's most sugar coated way, hence sweet......

now don't get the wrong idea people....i wasn't asking her out, i wasn't even pursuing that type of interest in her.....it's just that she asked what i wrote about her, and yes, i used her as a character in a couple of my writtings, it helped a lot......granted she'sa great girl, from what i can tell, she's nice and all..aghhh whatever.....

ok, the word "sweet" is still killing me....i don't know why it does so much, but damn...why do people still sue it so...i've been throguh all that before, sweet, how sweet of them to use such a cop out way to express the way the feel, especially after they read your "feelings".....oh damnation i'm gonig in circles with this one and barcus is here, adios.....

Disappointing....

well let's see, no school means people were calling me, and some weren't, but it's all good..or was it....well i go to pick up one of my lady friends, bringing over a friend she requested...and what's the first thing i notice as she opens the door....ohhh it's that all too familar look of a stoned person....grrrrr.....now even though her eyes weren't bloodshot, i could that glazed over look in her eyes...now i've seen my fare share of stoned people, of them a group i do call my friends, but this was one person i knew about their habits, ignored it, and shouldn't have been around me at the time..it was bothering to me...

got over the ordeal, knew what i was in for for the rest of the day, just hoping that one of my others would call me..that never happened.....at the mall i was the third wheel, annoying some more....well i felt like the third wheel...saw toni clapp there, laughed at her long and good and was on my way....oh, and there was a cool magician at the mall, i want to go back to see him agian!!!

oh and i don't care for people smoking in my car....and especially don't like it when they don't even ask and just light one up........depending on my mood is how i'll react to it......roll down all the windows, then as we get out of the car spray car freshner all voer and on the person saying, "yeah, there's no smoking in my car...." or how bout asking to take a drag off it and just throwing it out the windpow when they do it agian later.....when you own a $XX,XXX.XX vehicle, you can do whatever you want with it, until then, don't smoke in mine, besides i have leather, smoke will make it turn colors.....forty grand...fuckers......

not much gonig on so far..it's only 5 and it's whooper wednesday, that's good..i'll update more....gonna get that food now and kill some time til a certain person's break time...til then....

...Well.........

i was going to post something a lot earlier, but blogger was down for some reason...what i was going to post i'm uncertain, i think i was then as well....so now i'm here, with nothing to say......

apparently there's no school today, a fod cancelation..i called that one last night, and yes it was a bitch to drive through this mornng as well....imagine doing 60 on 41 and not being able to see the side of the raod or anything in front of you...hoping there's no obstructions in the road....

so now i will get ready, no work tonight, i get to bum around like a...well bum, maybe i'll do something......one of my ladies has already requested us to go out now, and i know i have to see lady o at work tongiht, so yeah....

i'm sure i'll be back wit some update, this is pretty weak....

Ahhh, Pain....

So i woke up, and it feels like it's 5, when in fact it's only 11, what the shit...andi feel content with waking up right now, don't ask me why....yesterday i slept for 15 hours...granted i woke up at random parts donig whatever it is i do, answering and returnnig calls, but got up to go to work around 830 when barcus called me....

ahhh, i guess i'll go up to progressive and do whatever it is they want me to do...i'll be getting my car fixed and have a rental for awhile...lord knows how long it takes hirata's to do a job....

and yeah, my neck is killing me...calling in all favors for a neck massage...i was like this after the other accident as well...and i remember being a little off the wall as well, which i can see coming out in me now. damn head and it's pain mess with me...well for example, the desktop on my computer is moving, i can watch it right now swirl around and move...yeah, that's messed up....

damn it is early, well i'm going now, i'll hit the sack one more time and be up at 830 for work agian....goodnight

Bubbling Quotes....
Part 4

The topic of breasts came up at one point during the day, and briefly, be it so, we were stilled compelled to make stupid comments throughout the entire day, like...

when talking about the scene in the Matrix where they are at the rave and the guy is pulling on the boobies of the man/female thing.....then saying, "you know you has boobies.."in thhat one way you can only say it.....

then when you're driving and you see a deer walking across the road and you say, "well had you hit him you would have had a nice antelor rack", then someone saying, "you know who has a nice rack..."

this was the terrible running joke throughoutthe entire day, and the topic of boobies never really stopped, even at zach's we were inclined to talk about them...

zach: "nah, they're not boobies, you've upgraded, at least call them breasts...not quite jubilees, but more than boobies..."

apparently boobies signifies smaller breasts??? i don't know,i like the word boobies and will probably continue to use it on whomever no matter what size..i mean boobies, it's a funny word...

Please People.....

ok, this is a notice to anybody who calls me, or used to....if you call and you get the voicemail, please leave a message....i don't care if you say, "sorry it's nothing important goodbye" or "whoops, dialed the wrong number" or anything like that, but please if you dial leave some sort of message so i know that you did call, or tried to call....my phone has been acting up lately, people have been complaining of calling me yet not getting an answer, when in fact it never rings on my end..i believe you all called me, but why didn't you guys leave a message.....for some reason my phone can receive those any time, but when it's acting up i don't get the calls, so if you leave a message, then i retrieve the message instantaneously, i will call you back, it's that simple...thank you for your cooperation...

Long Day...Long post.....
15 Hours and 500 miles later....

wow...what a day, what a day...well it started shortly after 7 this morning, i woke up before my alarm went off...i love it when that happens, well at least today i did....after realizing i didn't sleep through the alarm and did in fact beat it i was up on my feet and got my day started...made calls to see who was donig what, where, and when......i killed several hours doing whatever it is that i do until noon wherein dewes, barcus, and myself headed off...we had everything planned out time wise, but as we all know, plans don't always turn out.....

our trip to terre haute was good, we all talked about many a thing, laughed it up, made terrible comments, good times...but the events really got going when we entered terre haute, the terrible hole....we were a little a head of schedule, yeah i was driving, so we decided to kill time at the mall....hell yes they had an arcade there. Dewes and I played DDR2, we had fun even thoguh we sucked at it, and there was even a DDR junky who came up to wacth us, it was horrible. so then we decided to play soul caliber 2, we faught switching out the losers to play thw winners until we were out of coins, i ended up being the lucky one who won the last game and had to go on to the challenge levels....my 15 year old girly character and i faught some pretty intense battles, making it to the second to last round where i won the first one, then lost two stright, my only losses for those levels...grrrr

so then we had to piss.....enter the restroom, dewes then me then barcus...only one urinal open, dewes gets it, i check the stalls - full...so then i went back to the urinals to wait (there were only two) so as i stand there i quickly notice and coment to barcus that i was glad dewes was the first one in,because the guy next to him had his pants all the way down to the ground and the back of his shirt lifted up to show off his ass....it was funny yet scary at the same time, apparently dewes didn't notice...so then we left the mall and headed for vince's....

so we're going, and it's city like traffic, stop and go in that area (crazy twonies wanting to go to the mall...)...so then the car in front of us stops short, so then i stop, but with plenty of room ahead of me, and as i am asking if everyone is alright from the quick stop BOOM we were rear-ended.....yeah the lady who hit me was apparently changing her radio station...grrrr.....well her car looked terible, front end crumpled and smashed all to hell...as for me, you can barely tell, just some scuff marks, a cracked reflector, dented license plate, and a pinched exhaust on my right side..god i love my car.....dewes wasn't wearing his seatbelt, luckily neither of the cars airbags went off, dewes and i are both suffering from whiplash, barcus hit his head on the ceiling, he's alright...she handled it like she has done this bofore, then a cop came and filled out a report...

but as we are waiting...a van pulls up in te parking lot next to us, there's a lady in the passenger seat giving birth to a baby...crazy shit....so we're all making comments about the siutation as only we can, the ambulance came took her out of the car, all was well.. then we are free to go on our way....

but not minutes down the road we see more flashing lights, as we approach we see something horrifying, a deer was hit in the road, and as i looked back in my rear view mirror, i saw it twicthing like crazy, i screamed and almost couldn't drive, it was so sad, why couldn't the cops just put it out of her misery...i was so sad......

so the basics from terre haute was two rears, the begining of life, and then the suffering in death, all within a small time frame....we were all scared...

so at vince's we tell our stories, converse, all is well. we made the movie, could have been better had we had the tools and time, but w just wanted to shoot the thing and be on our ways...i did some advertising, dewes did stand up comedy, barcus rocked out on the Ric...it was funny, elizabeth likes the close up shots, reminded me of wayne's world, but it was good..then we were off.......

we go to IU, finally dropping off dewes,and he bought us all food with his meal points, yay for that, i was hungry, and still am right now...but it was good, i love you dewes (hand cupping the face) and we were off agian, down to two....it was nice having a companion to travel the rest of the way home, but damn if i wasn't tired...and had barcus not been wit me i would have stopped and stayed the night in Indy with Lady E, was planning on visiting her sometime and did mention this weekend so it wasn't totally spontaneous...but i trecked onward to Lafayette, one hell of a drive too, my tired ass somehow stayed awake lng enough to make it there...

at zach's we had a great time talking about all of our lives, drinking coffee, and just being round people who had insight and saw where you were coming from.....i think we made it there around 1045 or so and left after 2...time flies when you are having fun i guess... i wish we would have had more time to talk, like we origianally planned for, hell, we could probably never stop talking if we had the opportunity. zach finally got his break, he's happy, he works with computers as a techie, i'm happy for him..just goes to show people do get their breaks....

so yeah, it was all good, but we had to let zachy sleep so we left and then it was bak to barcus and i...and then we had a good chat about things...it's funny how much we both have in comon and how much we both understand each other's problems, feeling the pain and hurt and everything else...it was a very good ride back up to lowell....

so making our way into lowell i checked the time, and figured it out to be we traveled and ran 'round rampant for about 500 miles in a 15 hours time frame, pretty F'ing nuts...damn long day.....

so now as i sit here, reflecting on everything that was said throughout the day, i am still uncertain of what to do or hopw to handle some certain situations.....don't get me wrong, we did agree with some things, and yeah it'll happen don't worry, but there's just one thing on my mind right now, and i have to figure out how to handle it the best i can.....and with little information as i hav, i'll have to decide my own "info" for the situation and wing it hoping for the best...........but either angle i shoot at there will be a great risk of it being the totally opposite way....grrrr, crazy crazy times.....

Close Window Now, or Forever Hold Your Peace....
that means read at your own risk......

A hypocrit is someone who says they don't like the viloence, sex, and drug use in the film that's playing in their DVD player........ in other words, if you don't like what you see, don't look at it.....

i don't know, maybe that's just how i feel, and maybe i'm right...i guess also don't complain if when you look at something you only see what you want to see, or better yet, read what you want to read, allowing for a huge misinterpretation......

to those living in the house, all the events are normal, that's life for them...for the noisey neighbors peaking in through the window, everything's chaotic...who's right, those living it, or those watching it......well obviosuly not those peering in, if what tey tink they see is chaotic, they have a closed mind set, are only use to their norms and don't see things like they should...life doesn't revolve around you, look around and open your eyes, we're all not blessed like you...

and sadly enough, this blog is directed at many a people....funny how everyone decided to attack all at once, different topics, but yeah....read and weep cuz i've got free speech

let the postings continue......

Random Quotes....
Part 2...

this is a great conversation piece....you can use it in any situation possible, especially the awkward uncomfortable ones...

"so I says to mabel I says..."
and then you can add on the "..even mice have bad dreams too" brought to you by zach..

when those are combined it's a crazy force to be reckoned with...

so now that you've imagined that, picture this....

you got this girl who likes to make random comments while making out with you, you'll be kissing then she'll say something, then go at it again.....now if that doesn't just blow your mind to begin with, you lost in what's going on continue with everything stunned like nothing happened....this continues, so then you throw that little jabber in....

**kissing**
me: "so I says to mabel I says..."
**continue kissing**
me: ..even mice have bad dreams some times"
**continues kissing**

I guess it's funnier when it's an inside joke between the two as well...but you get the point....so next time you have an awkward moment or are just making out, use it, you'll be pleasantly pleased...

Oh, Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh...

so yeah, tonight i made the most of it, for once....though plans kinda got derailed due to some stupid shit that was brought up to me, i rode that high for the rest of the day.....got to talk with several people, funny how their lives suck as well (guess i'm not the only one, wait, never thought i was).

then the lovely and talented Lady O called me, ditching her plans with another guy to go out with me, i was in awe...but i guess that awe was well put to shame when i went to pick her up...she was wearing a skirt for me.....a skirt for me, i don't know how long it has been since somebody wore a skirt for me....and even though it was above the knees and i didn't like the color/pattern, she indeed got major bonus points from me.....and not to mention her top...good goff, well for those of you i saw (which was suprisngly a lot) you know what i'm talking about...distracting, but here i go....

so i was after 8 when i picked her up, kind of a killer on anything to do, but we found ourselves wandering up to merrillville wherein i decided we take laps in the mall......so while doing just that i ran into the duncan family at the food court....we sat and talked and had a good time catching up and sorts...zak's mom was enthralled with Lady O's long, curly hair...who wouldn't be, i know i love it (as i take a bite out of it)....

so then we got our call from dewes and barcus with the evenings plans....and from there we headed to showplace to see the matrix: revolutions.....ok the movie......i'll say it was better than the second, but not by much, once again i felt kinda crapped on....i mean..i don't know how to say it, and damn if there weren't too many attempts at one-liners through the damned movie....and of course we all laughed at the most inappropriate of times (like te death scene with trinity, frickin' hilarious...) or how about the fight scene at the end with Mr. Smith and Neo, when they hit each other at the same time, all i could think was super smash brothers....i was even suprised to see Lady O laughing it up with the ol gang...interesting how she seemed to fit into with the strangest of lowell's best....

so after the movie we're walknig out, and who do i run into, well Scarlen, the once other half of zak...it was shocking to see her, espcially after seeing duncan only hours ago, conversation was short when i realized i had to piss....then it was time to head home, though i was hungry i settled with taking her home....throughout the night she was melting the block of ice i put her in, and on two occassions did glacier sized pieces fall off with the mention of a certain name and then later "friends with benefits", people shouldn't know that term..... but the ride seemed short, she fell asleep, as did my arm, to my hair playing ways and i dropped her off after 1...now i here i sit eating a sandwich i made with my knife....my weekend is set and it's only sat..well now sunday...night

Random Quotes...
Part One Today..

so there's the line from "As Good As it Gets", "you're the reason caveman painted on walls"...and then i heard it on Family Guy, but in a funny situation....so then i altered it and said, "you're the reason musicians write love songs..."...i said that to olivia, we were talking about music and things, and what am i writing in my book...good times

Getting Angry...
Don't ruin My High....

so I looked at the comments on my blog just a minute ago.....and kinda got beat on (not talking about the Elizabeth beating) but by brooke....she alleges I didn't call...wow....the immortal words of Stephanie Tanner come to mind, "how rude".....let's just set this straight.....

I received my voicemail after nine, I missed the call that left the voicemail at 830 or so.....I called and got the answering machine, I was hoping to get a person, her roommate to be specific, to talk to so I could get some more details about what was going on..so I called back a little bit later and finally got ahold of the roommate.....information was exchanged and I told Liz to tell brooke to call me as soon as she possibly could, to inform me on how she was.......

was a call ever made to me??? ohhhh no...however, a xanga post was made by brooke, and comments were made on others journals....any on mine...once again no...and the comments that were made were that she was ok and all good....I tried keeping up to date reading her's and her friend's journals to see what was going on, all said she was ok...to this day I was never actually told this.....but I felt it was safe to assume everything was going to be ok, I mean everyone else said so....

but apparently I was wrong....why didn't I try calling back you ask..well that goes into the, "I left a message saying return my call as soon as you could" clause...I never got a response, then read from multiple sources she was ok, making me feel better with a sigh of relief.......so then I was told that because she never called back, and since this was out of the blue, I was only good enough to call when she was dying...ouch, but since she got better, forget about jason once again.....that was an extreme and the hurt me more than you know, so why even bother calling, just heal in the mean time til the next call......

which brings us to where we are, she left a comment saying I never returned her call, well according to my sprintpcs phone bill, calls were made, and in more than a duration of a minute, which means I actually talked to someone...so did the roommate forget, it's possible, I mean it does happens, or was it out of some spite against me..conspiracy theories await...til then, I'm done.

Nothing....

so you know what i did yesterday....absolutly freaking nothing...and you know what, i feel great about it..i have no remorse, no guilt, nothing, all is great..i think it may be what i neeed.....i slept, then drifted over to see olivia, and spent a couple hours with her, headed to target, that was my day...holy hell yes....god, for once i did something (rather nothing) and i'm not mad about it, i even had a bad dream, it was cold as fuck, but here i am, still riding my high.....you go
oh and not to mention, my night was made with a kiss on the cheek, so subtle and innocent, yet provocative and filled with emotion...i miss things like that, well at least you didn't ruin them...

Pulling a Kriske.....

I hate to be a gossipist, and even though the facts are still devolping, i will say it anyways.....apparently there were some kids from LHS that made a "hit list" and threatened to kill the kids on it..well the list was found and after a search at school a (or more) guns(s) was found....there was a pep rally today and that was when the alledged shooting was to take place...that is all the details for now, more as soon as we get them in...

Fuck You I'm Happy....
Yeah, Fucking Happy..Me.....

holy shit, i don't know if it's the fact that i've been up and worked a double truck last night, or something else, but i'm fucknig happy.....ok i think i know the real root to all this.......

i'm on my fucking computer....and now i use the word "fuck" overzealously...i swear to god i almost creamed myself when i saw my desktop agian...it was like two people that haven't seen each other in a long time meeting finally....i know that's sad to say, but it'swhat's on my computer that i love.....granted the sounds, the hum, color scheme, and everything else provide that familiarity i have longed for, it's the contents that i really needed....

i've got picures on here, but need to download many more taken with my camera, i've got essays and other random shit like that, but i think what really wets my whistle is i have my music back......good ol mother fucking winamp is playing proudly right now, docked over there on the left hand side of my screen..but the songs, so many i've longed to hear agian, i've gone as far to hear something i've turned the radio on in my car, i've been listening to pop sulture shit, and dare i say started enjoying it.....**shivers** so now i got my computer and can even download these new songs, why not, 200 gigs on a computer will take some time to kill....

so here we go....i know how to get through the evil months of winter, especially november...take away something i really enjoy, something that allows me to be me, something that personifies me and reminds me the joys of life..take these away right before fall...then when i think i'm going to crack start giving them back little by little....ok,i don't know if that is really a good idea in the end, but holy shit i can you i am one happy MoFo right now.......yeah, let's see how long this will last.....god this is great while it's lasting though....cheers

Update 'fore I Faint...

alright...so here's some updayes for ya'll......

let's see.....well the matrix came out yesterday, i really want to see it tis weekend, but we all know that won't happen....and yesterday was a great dayin history, for all you BTTF fans we all know november 5th was the day thay emmit l brown conceived te idea for the flux capcitor..which we all know it what makes time travel possible....brooke had some sort of stroke, but then turned out alright, i guess.....umm, i got really angry the other day, made some people cry, just a complete ass, don't get in the path of destruction...though i realized i started fighting too many fronts, like the nazi's in WWII, so i started to play it safe, taking the advice from others, a large group that is, and just sit and wait...and wait, play on the defence, and once you have their offence coming at ya, launch your full assault....but in the mean time i'm waiting...afterall i did get to vent...haha sorry lady o.....i got angry this morning when i tried to write a song..well pick up where i left off....and i found my song had 4 different styles in it, i couldn't stay focusedon one...i can't write worth shit...and then when i went back to my very first song i wrote, changed some tings around (i know i hate gong back for that reason) and then it started traveling off into a different thing that was on my mind making it a different song altogether...so i had to stop........i also found that i may do "strange" things, but in no way am i such a faggot like..well we all know....i haven't made my update in awhile, yeah, kinda slacking, but i like it like that, less anger directed out intothe world....and this weekend i am totally free...plan on making three very important stops...one in lafayette to see zach, haven't done that in ages, the other in terre haute to see vince and elizabeth ( i can finally give vince that drink) but i'm there to help them with a movie for school, and my last stop...well it's in no particular order, but that'll be in indianapolis...god i hate indy, but there's only one thing that could draw me there...let's see if i actually go...well maybe i will...this has been a long paragraph and i will get reamed for this...so be it...well i'm leaving you wit that, i know i got more to say, but i'll get it later....

Too Much...

Yeah, this is two sided....I'm posting like there is nooo tomorrow (who's to say otherwise) and the posts aren't happy ones...frankly it's not the time to bother me, I've been letting people have it, and others will soon get their fair share if they provoke it some more..anyways, now is not the best time to talk to me, yet, talking would probably be the thing to help me as well...I guess it depends on what you (or some punk as bitch friend of yours) has to say..

as for the other side, well I guess it goes three ways....the posting amount is too much, and the topics I'm talking about is too much as well...but it goes with the root of what I'm going through is too much...yeah you people say (wow, I just said you people, this isn't good) you've got it bad, I know how most of you are doing, maybe not to the extent that you do, obviously.....but some may think they have it worse than they really do. if only a bad day for me consisted of I have 63 unread emails...(got that from a commercial) that would probably make me happy, but anyways...

you know...I do feel like talking, but not to the normal people I would converse with, sorry zach....I'm not sure who I want to talk to, well maybe a little, but...ahh, it doesn't matter...'nuff bitching for now...

Ohhh Helll...

to think, i just got as pissed as i'll ever be..yet it hasn't hit me in full......fuck you...fuck you fuck you fuck you.....fuck you and everything that surrounds you...hope you'll enjoy it all burning in hell....fuck you...and now i'm balling.......

Good Story...

Oh, so get this.....so last night driving around in the dark, I'll spare you the details for yourself and my "alibi", but here's the funny part, so I pop open my trunk to put the huge and heavy blanket wrapped thing in there and I realized I still had the microwave in there from weeks ago....the blue microwave brooke gave back a month ago was sitting there, and picture me trying to be in a hurry with this thing shoving it into my trunk then realizing I forgot the microwave....it brought me into hysterics.....shows you how much I use my trunk...

Pulling a Billy...

no need for concern, but just recently i have been having problems with my chest..it's a sharp pain that results in more pain when i try to breathe causing me to try and take quick short breaths....now it's happened a couple times, becoming more and more frequent, and even longer in duration...is that bad or will this pass....i'll go with my chances on the latter, what's to lose

Must I Continue....

......continuing where i left off....i live a life of meaningless events, nothing i do amounts to anything..i'm a failure on so many levels it isn't even funny..looking throughout my history i see nothing but my failures..even when i succeed, as i've said before, it turns into failure..sure the high was good when i was up there, riding my moments, but look where they got me, rock bottom. so where was the point of this is as good as it is going to get, beats me, i suppose yesterday is as good as it will get, and today is the worst day of my life, continuing every day....i've tried to fake it for so long, tried to buy my time, skitchin' on one car til i can hop on the other....i just can't do it any longer...like i said earlier, what reasons do i have? i used to think there were reasons, but those are gone, some present maybe so much as mocking me every day...

look, it's november, the beginning of, and i'm already riding my depression thunderstorm, before you know it i'll find my happiness through chemistry which will only do so much, if it gets any worse, i don't know what i'll be capable of.

yet at the same time, i can't help but find myself loving every second of it....i'm sorry.....i really hate my life

no title, no bolding, just this... i've never wanted to die more than after talking to you...i fucking hate my life

Some Drunken Debauchery....

At Target the other night I mentioned something of the Braille nametag pickup line, people had name tags on for the new people, then that started a whole wave of pick-up lines...but the newest one I heard was, "if I put a keg in your pants, would I be able to tap that ass...

and tonight talking with barcus...
Blue35Tuesday: you rang?
AlkalineMaple: yeah
AlkalineMaple: its been a very bad night
Blue35Tuesday: i'll drink to that
AlkalineMaple: I need a drink or 5

yup.....and now a depressing conversation with alkaline himself....night...

Yeah...

It's foggy outside....i'm happy now

plus it's only 6 when i think it is a lot later, i've got a couple hours to run amuck..and on an hour's worth of sleep, defiantly happy.....happiness through chemistry

My Darkest Post Ever....
Please Don't Read...

this is something that really shouldn't be out for the public view, but once everybody has heard me say something like it, then everybody will know...sooner or later...

so the jist of it is, I hit my wall....I wasn't paying attention, I knew something was in the road, than BAMM, I hit it.......notice how I said I hit it, rather than it hit me....think about it...but anyways I came to this realization in a very short time span, basically over the weekend. But I came to the conclusion that I cannot go any further with the way I am living, everything is a mess...I wasn't designed for these times is part of the main problem...

I'm probably not as anger as I was earlier this morning on the car ride to Lowell...car rides are always bad for me..well good to think, but bad thoughts, evil...plus I didn't have my tape recorder to talk to (damn barcus) so I had no true venting...and now hours later, here I am, sitting here with dezz behind me, filling out an application for Purdue, with this noisy keyboard that clicks louder than anything I have ever heard, and there's no deafing it, this has to be killing her, and the angrier I get, the harder my key strokes are, not to mention the quicker. soothing my ass....alright off of that topic...I'm not as angry as I was earlier, yes....

but my idea...well ideas.......though nobody wants to say it, death is always 'round the corner, and you never go when you want, why not change that, control that aspect of life, one of the few you can....but there's so many different methods, what one would be suiting..who knows...and then it's always been a motto, if you're going down, take as many people with you as you can.....but I don't want to be that evil, I'm not going on any killing spree, not in the mood, go peacefully and quietly....but how do you leave your mark then...well I would be the first person in my class (2001) to die...which is pretty amazing considering the other classes have all had theirs at a quick rate......

but then the argument of purgatory comes up...alright so I know I'm going to hell anyways, I'm a good person, but everybody's a sinner...so purgatory can't be that bad, though you should go to hell, you're not, ride that fence....

so then I thought, why don't I just go to jail....think about that one....i'd have a roof over my head, I wouldn't have to work really, I'd get meals, I'd get to read books and still be taught things I like, I'd get cable tv..hell this is a lot better than the life I'm living....and I'd get to repent my crime and be a good person before I get the death sentence or something like that....

so if I wanted to continue living, I'm gonna go to jail, there's nothing left for me here...I have nothing left to prove, I have nobody to prove it to.....time and circumstances are just not on my side...life is just chasing down things that will buy you more time...I've been running and I'm out of breath, everything caught up all at once, there's nothing I can do about it..sometimes the easiest way out is also the hardest...you try living my life for a day, I know you got your problems too, but I just wanted to live, and now that's impossible..I wish my hardest decision of the day was, do I want to get up now, or sleep in some more...I'm sorry, I have to do something, it's going to kill me one way or another.....and even though I know Jason Angus can overcome anything, this might be somethign that will exert a little too much effort if he even tries, and what will it b for in the end...like i said, there's nothing to prove and nobody to prove it to, they've all turned their backs....

Two Words....

so I can't really sum this all up, although two words would do the job.....ummm, my sunday once again amounted to nothing...spent a couple hours with travis and mike L....I'm gonna be changing up the names of m broads from time to time...lady A to something like Ho A, among others, thanks for the idea..so much to say, so little time, so much accomplished, nothing left over.....I think that's about it, nothing to prove and I'm finished.

Here's One....

ok, so I got things on my mind...now I've been holding back, and though it may seem a little off the norm for me to say, after it is out, it will fit well with your perception of me....anyways..you can only bite your tongue for so long...and I guess when you do that you face biting it off altogether making it kinda hard to say what you got on your mind...so now the question is, do I continue to bite, or do I let it fly, cause frankly if I let it fly there will be no holding back.....but what is there to gain in letting some stupid bitch ass mother fucker have what's coming to them, I guess it all depends on your angle of approach, or how you leave it off....then again I'd rather see them suffer a slow and painful death than anything else...angry, hmmm, not so much as vengeful among other things which cannot be put into words......oh hell, I'll end up bottling these emotions some more, writting them in my little blue journal book does no good, for some reason I want that person, along with everyone else, to see how I feel........god have mercy on us all, I'm going now

Round Like...

costumes......witches, transvestites, hookers, cross dressers, the devil, leather face....which one did you decide to go with......

so my highlight that i've forgot to mention many a times already has to be my double pumpkin...also known as my boob pumpkin or my testes pumpkin....here's a pic....

isn't that great, it's a little one you can fit in your hand. i've had him all this month, everybody that rides with me has questioned it, and yet they still love it. one person is content on making it pop, yeah it's getting kinda squishy, i just hope somebody doesn't throw him out the window.....wait, like the one i had several years ago...although that was a cool little white one in jenny, that one was given to me whereas the double one i bought cause i enjoyed it so. the white one met it's doom when it got all squishy as well..wow good times