April

30

days

What are you waiting for

Here I lay, wasting on the final day of the month, a month that is supposed to be celebratory in nature. A month that opens with tricks and lies in the name of a gowk; then ends in an opposing fashion, as if by chance some form of Gregorian redemption. Truth is I found a month to beat any reigning champion Mr. November.

In a month that carried over a certain inamorata ambiguity, turned a snow white ball of zeal and tossed it from Mt Olympus. Never before have I endured such a twisting, spinning sensation.

Even before my arrival day I was given the role as the spouse Joseph. This immaculate news was bugging to the conscious as for the next five days I'd spend pouring my heart out to anyone on tap; all the while trying to reconnect to an intercepted call to Katz.

Though after those five excruciating days, any whispers of Jack and the Beanstalk were graciously sanctified, but only at the juvenile disclosure of felonious finger pointing.

To go into great depths in the matter at hand is far too premature, despite my truthful salaciousness.

The next crippling blow would fall just a fortnight later. A maple floor with two bruisers would throw a wrench on my fast break to the ending of the game.

Leading to my chanty febrility condition, and in attempt to prevent a decubitus ulcer I rode a Pony til the fervor reached her too, as an unbeknownst bleeding dried her up - and the hot water I found myself in resonated all too at home.

The conclusion of a cursed month does not come with any cerebral celebration, nay, as the exodus moves right into the remembrance of my dearly departed; The Jangus' best friend.

Not certain how much more I can Put-on, as I am running low on these Caps.

"pains"

Stop the Presses

actually no,

let them roll

because, ah crap

I know I was told I shouldn't blog, I know I told everyone I stopped for a minute, but you know what...I just stopped caring. So this post isn't about me or you or whomever...nobody can come back and twist my words around in some playful way to support their own agenda..I've got a lot on my mind and I'll be damned if I'm gonna continue to be a prisoner behind these walls much longer.

I sit here in pain and I so much want to complain. The vicodin should be starting to kick in and hopefully shortly i'll be passing out. I want to tell you all about the stories in my life right now, but probably don't because I'm tired of living them everyday.

I've become exhausted with everything running through my mind constantly, and with my most recent injury it makes it all that much harder to keep up.

I'm leaving something out...but it's ok, it's better this way they said. My trash is full yet I can't take it out.

I'm missing something...i'll just let time sort it all out, because even when a clock gets hungry it goes back four seconds..

I'm losing but definitely not forgotten something something

maybe the mayans were right, maybe the world will end this year...they just never said for whom

"[I am]Foolish maybe...I want answers, "crazy" is not an answer.."

Briefly

no time for this thing
I JUST SAID...

grrrr, fine......

I've been sleeping the day away for the most part, with a break for yoga....ugh, hate yoga. I saw the doctor today, nobody really knows what's going on..went and did some random lame tests, then got a shot in the ass...my favorite part about that was when the doctor said "oh shit" - which makes immediately turn around to see blood all over my ass. awesome. my response was me laughing.

i'll make this brief since my head is still in no condition to conjure up thoughts...for the second half of work i tried to do an electricity course and stared at the screen until it was time to go. And what am i doing now...staring at a screen..blindly moving my fingers..

i said brief-ly....ahh that reminds me of a funny story, well not so much funny as..i don't know what the proper words would be...i wear briefs still, granted they are Calvin Klein briefs, so the cut isn't as traditional as a normal brief..i wear them..i wear boxers...i wear boxer briefs...i don't notice and i don't care. as long as my junk is covered up. ugh, i gotta pay more attention i guess..always with the fucking up i am...

I almost headed to bed, but I figured i could knock this out really quickly. So in the end, my head hurts, i can't make awesome sauce blogs because my brain is being slashed with a knife, i can't do yoga because i suck at being flexible, and also because i have things on my mind, i can't get you off my mind, and such is my life...

when does it stop








"i really don't have a quote to put here...i really can't think...i really am lost..."

I Have Loved Enough

Thanks Leonard..
..i got this one

so so so much...

ok the original title was going to be "I Have Blogged Enough" but i found it appropriate for either title to be used, so, go ahead and call it whichever want..it's not like i care...oh wait...

I wrote a 1500 word blog yesterday, making that the fifth blog in a 24 hour period, followed by a 1500 word email...one that I don't think was read..or if it was then the reader obviously did not follow the pleaful instructions..in any event i'm pretty much spent..well, ok maybe not, I still have plenty of things to say however every single thought, every time i speak, every deep inhale feels like there's a hattori hanzo katana slashing through my cerebellum...awesome.

So I wanted to get a post out there today, marking my accomplishments, or rather, really the lack there of...once again noting that I poured my heart out to someone who didn't even notice or care to notice, and now i'm left with the mess of trying to clean it up...naturally.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my head (not my heart, though I'd love to hear a diagnosis on that..) - i'm so frustrated about everything that i want to cry, i'm in so much pain that i can't..

such is (my) life.







"i'm freaking out and all you can do is tell me a knock knock joke...."

Con..

Cuss..
..ion

noooooooooooooo

I think everyone hyped it up, now it's been implanted into my head that I have a concussion...sure I got into an accident..and I've been sleepy all day...and after I showered I found a bump on my head from where I hit it.....and my neck is sore....and i'm getting a little nauseous..

this is all because i read up on concussions!

my stupid mother tells me i have a concussion, then everyone tells me to go to the ER, and i'm all like, i'm fine, i've been in accidents before..i'm ok!

seriously...this is all in my head, sure i hit my head, but everything here is self implemented, self-induced

or maybe i do have a concussion...i don't know, it goes away though...the treatment is nothing..bed rest and Tylenol...I got this.

in other news, this concussion is clouding my thoughts - or i'm just scared about losing someone

in other news, this concussion is making my stomach turn - or i'm just scared about the sudden change of attitude

in other news, this concussion is breaking my heart...










"Symptoms include...everything that November makes me feel, awesome detecting this one guys.."

What Just Happened?

my apologies..
..and an excuse

it was a good run, but two days off killed my streak

Jolted from a dead sleep it feels as if your head is in a blender as an alarm makes a deafening cry somewhere across the room. you frantically maneuver out of bed in hopes of silencing the piercing noise only to be succumbed by pain and find yourself back down as quickly as you had sprung up. A nauseous feeling overwhelms you as your mind spins after impact with the floor. The blades of lights cut across the room shooting out from the blinds and burn your eyes. You lay there in pain for that's all you can do or want to do, wondering what truck ran you over in your sleep. Pain is all you feel, pain is all you see, pain is all you hear, pain is all you can think because pain has now took up residence in your head. You are not experiencing a hangover, this is a migraine, welcome to my world.

My seasonal migraine has settled in for the season like those unwanted house-guests we call family during the holidays. I knew I was about due, but I keep thinking that every new year will be different. That's just madness..to hope. My head pain started on Thursday, and as much as I wanted it to go away, it only grew in strength. I do not get headaches throughout the year like most people, or if I do it's not a headache to my standards - probably because of the pain I endure during this period where I want a lobotomy. I call it Hell Week, because it typically last one to two weeks, on-again, off-again; worse than my highschool girlfriend....ok no, she was definitely worse.

I wake up and take my medication, having to take it on an empty stomach to get any results at all. If I'm lucky the pain goes away pretty quickly, but other times it only lessens a degree or two, still lingering. I take my 50/50 chances this morning in order to be functional and get ready for work in which I have to leave in thirty minutes. The problem with taking medication on an empty stomach is it wreaks havoc on your tummy, constantly urging you to feed it...but food will only wear off the effects of the drugs and your back at square one. Having to choose between the pains, I'll take the lesser of the two.

The other issue of taking the medication is the "medicine head" feeling that accompanies the "wellness". Sure I may not have pain, but I do not have thoughts either. I cannot focus. I'm sleepy. Speech stops in mid-sentence. Easy words are lost. Homework is impossible. Blogging is Blaaa. It's not like I'm a walking zombie or in a catatonic stupor; it's just that it feels like there's a huge fog cloud between me and my brain...I'm over here and it's...well, somewhere lost over there.

So that's where I've been the past couple of days. I apologize for disappearing over the weekend, but honestly, all my assignments were turned in late for school, work wore me down physically and mentally, and I couldn't pull it together.

Right now I'm in no pain, but my head feels like it's being compressed in a vice. I'm struggling to type this up but I'm doing so in hopes to fight those demons in my head, taking a stand.

hot flashes and frequent naps...are these common side effects?










"this must be the world's karmatic revenge on to me for being a dick the entire year distributed over a two week period..."

I Feel a Blog Coming On..

oh wait..
..scratch that..

it's just another bloody headache

i should probably go ahead and forewarn you right now that this is more than likely going to be a bitchy post with no real positive outlook, like i'd want it to be. i blame this on the constant pain that has been going on in my head for over a week now. normally i get these mini-migraines once every 9 to 12 months they last about a week - and for that week i'm usually busy with work and i have to struggle through, actually taking pain killers and other medicine to avert the pain - the only time i ever use these things. i always have to go over the recommended dosage and that scares me. reason why i don't take pain killers or sleep aids is because my body gets used to them too quickly, and i know in time i'll eventually take so many that i'll overdose.

and with these headaches comes the catch twenty-two...i either am in enormous amounts of pain, or the opposite, no pain but no mind either. having the pain limits my functioning to where all i can do is close my eyes and hope i fall asleep....but when i'm awake and the pain has subsided for a moment, i can't think straight. my mind is cloudy. i can't concentrate. it's like as if every thought i start to make gets slammed into a brick wall at full speed.

it's been over a week now and it's driving me crazy. granted this is a perfect time for it to be happening, i'm only getting scheduled three days at work, but i have things to do in my off time..yet can't function like a normal human because of these headaches...i literally sit in my apartment..and sit..i'll pass out from the pain only to throw my entire sleep pattern off

i actually took a huge step today, i went outside - only because i was starving, but still that took me til after 5 to get moving. i tried to get my life back on track by going to the gym - i haven't been there in over a month with everything that has been going on, and i could definitely feel the results, or lack there of.

i don't think it was in my best interest to go to the gym because on any normal day going to the gym makes me get a headache and i feel like i just wanna throw up/die...so what does the guy who is battling a headache and feeling like shit do, does the one thing he knows will make him have a headache and feel like shit...well, maybe they would counteract one another..sorry, no.

i need to complete things through, finish what i start...just like going to the gym...i took a month off and i lost all the progress i had built up...i don't need a push to get me going, i need a kick in the ass when i'm halfway there. i've always said i'm just waiting on that big moment in my life where everything changes...

let's see, that one girl and i broke up and i started to blog again..but that didn't last for long...my best friend passed away and i..didn't do anything differently...always looking for an excuse, always looking for a way out

how does one get a blister under their toe nail? i didn't even know that was possible until yesterday - and let me tell you, it sucks.

i need to start writing again..i'll say that til the day i die. i don't even know what i'd write about...half the stuff isn't worth it, the other third i can't tell you (stupid doctor/patient confidentiality) so that's why you get nothing but dribble...

at least i'm trying? well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and trying only does so much..it's like saying you would do something, but you have the ability to do it all along and you don't..there's always a technicality...

micheal phelps is one ugly man...so is shaun white for that matter...it's awesome to know though that as long as you have a gold medal and can do "awesome" tricks, you'll be sexy...don't worry WoW players, eventually it'll be an Olympic sport and you'll cash in on all the fame like those losers..i mean honestly, half those "sports" in the Olympics are sports?!

ohhh that's right, i'm wrong, i'm ethnocentric...just because football isn't an olympic sport i have no idea what a real sport is...in two words...table.tennis. one word...curling...i think i've proven my point here...

oh, and anyone can be a micheal phelps or shaun white, let's not immortalize people to the point we start worshiping them...that's how religions started

speaking of, i gave up cheese for lent...what a waste. what are you giving up?











"FU, Penguin"