Gary's at it Again

This time..

it's retarded

Four years ago I lost my best friend to cancer...and as time would circle round again, I'm losing another friend because he is a cancer.

Maybe this time of the year is a bad time for me...like november, but not like november...november is more of a seasonal depression; this is more like bad luck kind of thing.  I messed up my ankle last year, which I'm still recovering from, and now I'm dealing with something else that's tearing.

My buddy Gary moved out to cali when I made my trip to get all my stuff out here.  It's been a dream of his to move to 'the promised land' - I've never quite been sure exactly what he expected would happen when he moved out here, somehow everything would just fall into his lap, life would work itself out, he'd become a rockstar...I only say these absurd things because, well, that's how he acted.

His first month and some change he did not have a job; however that did not halt his spending.  He treated his move out to the coast like a vacation.  Living it up, going out, spending money everywhere...except for where it mattered most, rent.  He bought wetsuits, body boards, this that and the other...it wasn't until I got back from SF in October that he finally had a job...though the first payment wouldn't come for another month later.

I realized he couldn't live his lavish lifestyle well before he ever did, and he probably still doesn't...so I made adjustments in what I did.  I didn't go out as much, wouldn't ask him to tag along, canceled a trip out to Vegas to see Lacey Chabert on her birthday..all because I wanted him to be responsible.

I was hoping this move would be a chance for him to put his big boy pants on, to grow the fuck up, if only just a little bit - heck, I'll be the first to say I don't want to grow up, yet, I can be a responsible adult as well.  I was wrong.

He didn't learn any lesson.  Even after a conversation I had with him in December about how he should alter his spending - though I wouldn't tell him how to live his life, I just wanted him to be more conscious of his actions.  I tried to stress the difference between 'wants' and 'needs'.  I stated facts, facts that would drive a normal person insane.  Example: though not being able to cover the full amount of rent, he would use his money to pay for private volleyball lessons. Or, to pay for tanning sessions...while living in Southern California...I cannot make this shit up..and the more I say/type it..the more I laugh, yet the angrier I get.

At that time I thought the problems were solved, that my words would be a beacon of light, inspiring...I'm a damn fool. Whether I wanted to believe anything I said made a difference or the fact I wanted it to make a difference so badly I turned an ignorant eye..it didn't matter.  Things still happened behind my back, without my knowledge, yet rent in full was never met.

At the beginning of the year I decided a new tactic, I would write on the dry erase board the dollar amount he owed.  At the time I want to say it was somewhere around $3700...and growing every month.  He was shocked to see the debt so high, and again, I thought my plan had worked..but...well, you know by now.

He still decides to make a trip back home that January - a trip that costs double the amount as one isn't working yet spending money one doesn't have...but after that things pick up, they start to get better..then, April comes.  His parents planned a trip out at the beginning of the month, and despite their insistance they he not take any time off that he wouldn't normally have, he takes the entire trip off.  Not two weeks later he takes four days off to go to a wedding in Vegas.

Call it coincidence, or random circumstance, but issues arise with management at the complex we are living in.  Basically, the guard staff have some vendetta against us, and only ticket those living in our unit for any random thing; yet others can do the same and get away with it.  Tensions rise and the owner of the unit feels so bad that she allows us to break the lease if we want to.  We're fed up and start looking for new places..somewhere else, somewhere cheaper, more inland, but cutting the costs almost in half.  Gary's onboard, in fact he takes time out during the week to go scout out a few places....this is all taking place this week in fact.

I'm thinking everything is going well, not looking forward to moving as I just finally got settled in, but hey, rent is going to be cheaper, and Gary will be able to not only pay that but pay back the debt..alright!

Then Friday, just days after looking at new places mind you, Gary comes home from work about the same time I do and has a smile on his face.  He says Restaurant O has hired him - I'm thinking, ok great, that was simple - but the following words don't make sense to me...everything after is a jumbled mess as I try to pick up the pieces of my now blown apart mind...the Restaurant O he mentioned, which I thought he was speaking about the one in SD, rather, was the one in Indy...and he's leaving in a fortnight.

So now with a $5100 debt to me, he's bouncing.  Not only that, but I'm going to have to figure out where to live, on my own now..and Cali isn't too conducive for single renters..so instead of half the rent I was paying, I will not be paying twice that amount..oh, and I better figure it out quickly as May is impacting in three days.

I can't go into the details any further as this causing enough eyebrows to raise, but that's the situation I'm in.  Stressed from work hounding me about shit I don't care about...stressed about getting my final projects finished for my classes...stressed from the douchebag guards and all the citations we are getting...stressed about my financial situation..as I'm $5100 owed from Gary..and all that has caused me to do is max out my CCs, deplete my savings, kill my credit score that i've worked so hard to get up since my bankruptcy..all because I was covering for some low-life who couldn't wake the fuck up.

I'm still in shock over the whole mess..it comes to me in waves...just how simple it was for him to turn his back on me..to jump at the first chance he could get..how he took advantage of the situation..how he used me...to get out here, and to stay out here for as long as he did..i don't think he will ever realize anything he's done wrong..i'm sure he'll say he's sorry...but i don't think he'll ever understand why.

I'm sorry that this post was so long..obviously is a lot longer than the time spent in Gary making a decision to leave.

"Selfish, ungrateful, incredulous, disrespectful, inconsiderate..."

Never Cheat a Friend

is it better to truthfully forget

or to willfully ignore

I shoulda known better

I should have known that when I didn't hear from you on my birthday things weren't right. Sure, I've never been one to really put stock into my birthday (my stupid birthday); but others do, and others do as they want done to them..and so they will make it known. Receiving a call or even a text is just common courtesy.

My life always has a way of finding itself back to this certain situation; wherein girl and I break up, shortly thereafter my birthday pops up, and it's anybody's guess as to whether will she comment or not. Of course my birthday always falls first, and depending on her reaction will give clearance to mine. Some of my ex-girlfriends birthdays have even been so close as to fall just days after mine - always making for one, largely ignored week.

But whether you forgot or just didn't care (which are essentially the same thing) doesn't really matter at this point, the fact remains, the deed has been not done, and why are we fooling anyone, it's always the latter.

And with your birthday now rapidly approaching I feel a bit of tension in my decision making. I know what day it is, I can't play like I forgot - for forgetting is for the careless, the ones who whisper sour somethings..and I have never been one of bad taste. You'll know (just like I knew) when you don't receive that message from me, and you'll feel how I felt, but you'll also know I did it out of spite; and that's what doesn't settle for me right.

For once in my life I don't want to burn red with young maleficence influenced by some planetary motion...and that brings me to a rams head. I don't want to not contact you out of crossness, yet I don't want to contact you, period.

And the latter isn't because of absence of attention..well, wait..actually it is...I was trying to say my fading out wasn't a fuming rebuttal, that I wasn't doing this out pessimistic passion..but rather, because we, you, have made a clear distinction in the unavailability with each other, me.

It's not necessarily because I care less, rather, it's because you do.

"Giving up and letting go are not the same thing..i'm just having trouble sorting out the definitions right now..something something special...something..."

Ageism...

number..
numb-er...

The sensitivity to age

Now, as you all know, I'll be the first to chime in and laugh along with any sort of joke, whether it be sexist, racist, bigot, whatever stereotypical joke, the point is, it's just a joke and people need to learn to laugh at things...right? Anyway, the point is, it's not a joke or funny when people are discriminatory for real.

There are some who don't like black people, others are color blind; some don't like jews, others give out free hugs..I'm a pretty tolerant person, I'm understanding, I judge a person by what they make of themselves, not the characteristics that make them - i.e. they can't control what color they are, what height they are, etc.

I'd say one of the biggest factors I've turned a blind eye to is age. A person's age never mattered as to who they really were. I had to teach that lesson again today.

This afternoon I decided to make an early pass to the gym, I had a double workout schedule since I was absent most of the week, so I knew I needed more time. Bored with running on a treadmill - people hate when you try talking to them while you're running next to them - I decided to play a little basketball. I was the only one on the court for a little while until someone else walked in and went to the other hoop. After a few minutes of shooting around I yelled out to the other person if they wanted to play a little one-on-one. The other person was a little standoffish at first and hesitantly declined. I chuckled at the timid response and asked why not to which he replied that I looked a little older. Shocked at that answer I went into a rant, per usual, and it went something like this...

Older?! Well, sure..what are you in like highschool or something then? it doesn't matter..age doesn't define a person but on paper..it doesn't make me any better than you in basketball, it doesn't make you any less skilled than myself...i don't play on any college or pro level team, and i'm sure there's plenty of varsity highschoolers that could beat me..we are about the same size so there's no height advantage either way, so really, there's no immediate advantage either way..it's skill versus skill, nothing more, nothing less...

After that he was convinced and we played. While we played I continued to tell him the story of how I grew up in the southside of Chicago, during the Jordan era..when basketball was the only sport that was played. I had a basketball hoop right in the cul-de-sac behind my house, my buddies had basketball hoops set up in their driveway, basketball was played.

My best friend growing up, Tad, and I were a dynamic duo...when we played we were Jordan and Pippen. We played two-on-two like it was our job..sadly enough though, if you were to add any more people to the team the magic would kinda lose itself - that's why we could never enter the Three-on-three Gus Macker tournaments..but when there's limited amount of people you make due with what you have.

We played and would challenge our friends to try and beat us..we would see people walking down the street and we would ask them to play. Now the thing about growing up where I did, let me explain...we played during the day on the driveways, but right before dusk, a little bit before the streetlights went on, we played on the cul-de-sac....you see, the cul-de-sac was where everyone met up and played..and when I mean everyone, i mean, anyone...it was like moving up to the big leagues because that's where the older kids met up and played.

This is where I learned two lessons...One, this is where I learned it didn't matter the age of someone, it was whatever - even though some of those kids smoked, I wasn't influenced by them..even though they swore, that's not where I picked it up from..the fact that they were older had no bearing onto me..they were just people, we came together and we did our own things, together...the neighborhood was diverse, people were scarce, so any age was an appropriate age to hang out with..if someone wanted to ball, then so be it...

Sometimes we could get a 5-on-5 game going (which was awkward because this location only had one hoop) and sometimes the games consisted of less people. When the numbers were low, Tad and I stepped in to play 2-on-2 games with the older kids. This was the second lesson I learned, though it sounds like the first - and it kinda is- age didn't matter...Tad and I both liked to win, me being and only child, and Tad being a sore loser we were a perfect pair. We played our little hearts out, we wanted to win. It didn't matter if they were older, taller, whatever the case..we played, because that's what we were there to do.

Sometimes we won, sometimes we lost..when we lost we didn't use an excuse that it was because they were older or whatever, as pissed as we were, we knew were just weren't good enough, and had to play again...when we did win it was an accomplishment because everyone made it out to be a David versus Goliath situation..and we were excited because our skill showed through.

It's because I grew up in that neighborhood where at the age of 13 I was playing with twenty year olds down to five year olds made me who I am today. Where age was just a number that nobody cared about. Maybe our parents didn't want us hanging out with the older kids or whatever, but it happened, and I held onto the same morals and values I was raised with...it didn't make me a bad person to be around them, they were people too.

This trait has carried with me to today. At work I have a varying age of those around me...and I will hang out with them after work..some are 18, some are in their thirties, and I'm still me. I've dated girls both younger and older, however, the only relationships that ever get mentioned or noted are the ones with a girl that is 'drastically' younger..i emphasize the drastic because in all reality, it's not and people like to make mountains out of molehills...people tend to forget the girls that were a couple years younger than me or years older...people also tend to forget the statistic that shows men date, marry, whatever younger women...and how am I to blame in all this?

Whatever. Age is a number that gives us the permission to vote, drink, become president...age doesn't define the person you are, tell anything about your personality, or say when you are going to die..it's just a number...

and you're more than that.








"..and if i said i only dated girls born on Fridays, I'D be the a-hole..."

Not Sure...

if you really hate me
or you fakely hate me

Not sure where I'm going with this...

I sat down in front of my computer a moment ago in hopes of writing something, I actually had something on my mind too...but all that vanished in an instance once I picked up my phone and made a call. I was surprised to get an answer, as I was typing out a text response as opposed to a voicemail for when the call would be ignored - I was caught off guard when my call was answered.

And as I sit here, but what, five minutes after initially dialing the number, I kinda wished it would have gone to voicemail, the ignore would have been less painful than the indifference I received.

I thought I was doing my part well. I had figured on my own accord to ease up, pull back on the heaviness of the relationship, essentially doing a 180 while still maintaining the bare necessities of a friendship - going from constant texting and calls from the moment either of us woke up, to a text midday (that went ignored, "busy") to a call later in the evening, the one that was answered.

I remember actually telling her I was giving her space while retaining a piece of the friendship, something that I acted like I deserved commendation for or something...but instead of being praised I was kicked down as she said "well obviously not" - I guess she didn't see the merit of my efforts.

And as I was on the ground starting to pick myself back up, more kicks came in...whether it was factual or meant to be a slap in my face she continued to be standoffish, only telling me how wonderful her life was, now, as if the absence of me was like the removal of some dark cloud over her.

she finished by saying she didn't feel like talking to me and ended the call in an abrupt fashion she knows all too well that drives me crazy. Maybe she's trying to get me to hate her, maybe she's trying to...I don't know..I tried calling a friend, I tried to do the right thing, I just don't know where I went wrong.

Should have never called, I would have preferred my last words to be the ones said to her last night.







"alright...i'll just g-"

Bad Boys Bad Boys

whatcha gonna do..
whachta gonna do when they are you?

Nobody wants to be the bad person, but sometimes you are..and you just can't admit it.

They say winners write history, and it's true. The winners are always prevailed to be the "good guys", but think about it the other way; had the other guys won, those bad guys would have been the heroes. When recanting the story of your life, or any story involving your life, you never want to be the bad guy; you tell "your" side of the story; you tell your friends who are obviously on your side; ultimately you are playing the victim card.

Guess what, you are the bad guy, just in someone else's story.

I'm not the typical friend some would say - as much as I'd drop everything for someone (even someone who turned their back on me) I won't play the typical friend card...as in, I'll tell it like it is, tell you the truth, say what your friends want to say but are too afraid to say it. In that sense I'll call people out like it's a hobby, in fact, I may as well add that to my FB hobbies list...

As the story goes I was calling out this flake of a friend who, for the life of her, could never organize plans to get together (let's not even get into the fact how bad of a text replyer she was...) Well after a random text from me she replies back, telling me that I make her feel like a bad person. I chuckle, and as the smile set in across my face i replied back. "I tell a non-fiction recalling your actions, and if those words upset you maybe you should go back to the source, yourself" Of course this did not go over well..not to bore you with the details, she tried to defend herself, bla bla bla...people will come up with reasons to not do something, as i always say, there's always a million reasons to not do something...I'm glad that others read my blog because that does remind me of a side story where someone once said, "if there's anything you taught me during our relationship it's if something is important you'll find a way.." Ok, we are way off topic..

Back to feeling like a bad person...she didn't feel like a bad person when she did those things, or rather not did those things...but it wasn't until someone kicked open the door in her head and called her out on it (I just like the visual of kicking her in her head..) And I know why she said it, same reason anyone says it, they start to see the truth, but heaven forbid they be the bad person, so they try to turn the tables onto you..call you manipulative, saying how badly you make them feel by saying that..and while most people would cave, I stand by my statements...not only have you fucked me over in the past, but you're going to try and make me the bad guy for getting upset over it?!

That's just some straight up bull.

And so when you go back to your friends, and continue to talk the shit about me, continuing to make me out to be the bad guy..you'll only be lying to yourself. Heck, when I tell a story and someone thinks the other person is the bad guy I am usually sticking up for that other person..but that's me...and I'm not as bad a person as you make me out to be.

Ironically enough, I was typing all this up when I received a text, late night 1am text, from a friend needing to vent. My friend wanted to talk to, as they said, verbatim, a 'sane' person...I scoffed and had to reply back asking "ME?!" followed with questioning whether or not I was the last on the list...my friend replied back telling me I was more sane than I give myself credit for...I say "I'm on the verge of k-exert deleted-f and you're calling me sane?!" And I get this as a response "You might have your own problems but you deal with others' well" ...

And that reminded me of a lot of things...How just earlier that same day another friend with whom I rarely speak to was having a rough day, or so they posted, and I texted to see what was up...and in fact that happened two days ago as well..and then it comes back to one of the greatest compliments I was ever indirectly given...

This goes back to my first year at CP...A friend who was also a current co-worker was having a random chat with a previous co-worker of mine on a lunch break or something...amoung the random discussions somehow I was brought up into the conversation, maybe the current co-worker asked the previous one what it was like to work with the Jangus..and this is what was said, "Jangus is a great guy..you just know that..because...he could have twenty of his own things going on and you'd ask him for help...and then he'd have 21." When my friend told me that, I was shocked...shocked because this previous co-worker of mine wasn't a buddy, I was never close with, heck, I probably kept my distance...but the fact that they recognized that, that I stood out in that way...that's what blew my mind.

So you see..I can be that deleted excerpt from your life, maybe a footnote, or a brief mention...heck, maybe I will get mentioned as the horrible person that ruined your life or some random crap you like to spill from your lips..but the truth of the matter is, I'm not..I'm not that guy...I'm not the bad guy...However, I am your escape goat. I'm what you manifest your own badness into so you, in your own story, can be the victim, the hero, the good guy.

It's not my fault I'm 'bad'....afterall, you made me this way...








"<3"

Nah Brah

It's
Cool

Do whatever you want

It's cool, you can pretend to be busy and disregard my messages all the while you surf the fucking Internet. You can let me down a little bit more. Let me down just like anyone else has who has come before you. When I try to come to you and talk its apparently not the right time..glad you get to make the decisions involving my life you selfish fuck.

I'm tired of constantly being let down. I'm tired of having "friends" who claim they are friends, yet only come to me when they have a problem..knowing I'd stop Time to help them out, yet can't return even half that to me.

when will it ever be my turn, or did i run out of credits? You must have some cheat or lies because you keep coming back with a million lives..and i just sit here and keep taking all your texts and calls..but that's just the martyr in me and all my fault..i wish i could actually care less.

Dont worry, this post is not about you.









"sauna post!"

People

To everyone..
..to knowone...

where did all the cookies go?

Many of you probably know me as the cynical bastard who hates everyone - and as true as that may seem, there's an even darker side to me...one that actually cares. Sure my rough exterior colored in the hues of jade is what seems to be the most "popular" of appearances for me to don, but that's only when the time provokes it. That abysmal front is actually the result of the collapse of how I truly am.

I've had this discussion time and time again with every new person I meet, and I'll stick to my stance til i'm gone. People. When it comes to people, I believe in the best of them. I believe in the good of all. It's like everyone is innocent until proven guilty; rather in this case they are good until they prove themselves bad.

I put forth trust into people. Why not, I'd wanted to be trusted too. Regardless of past events I cannot project negativity onto someone else, it's not fair. All too often we tend to enter relationships with a cautious step as a result of something that happened prior in our lives. However, this new person isn't that old person that made you like this; don't take out whatever on them. A new person is a clean slate...don't be afraid to make those mistakes again.

Maybe that's where I falter, because I want the good in people to show, I want people to be..good. I give people too many opportunities to prove me right. I understand people make mistakes, things happen, we all do this...but when something is a constant, well, then the opposite is the anomaly.

I defriended someone tonight that i recently let back into my life. I thought this time things were different, that not necessarily they changed, but realized the woes of their ways - apparently I was wrong. The only time in your life you will ever hear those words come out of my mouth..And we all know how much I hate to be wrong, maybe that's why I give people so many chances. But if the kingdom of god lies within man, not just one man but all men, then surely good resides within all of us. maybe i am still right...

maybe there is still hope...








"it's hard to 'write from the heart' when so many people say mine doesn't exist.."

I'm Losing My God Damned Mind

Yeah..
you heard me..

you know the shit is real when i use the GD...

Ugh, I have Good Day, and I have Bad Days..but the positioning of the scale is shifted from the norm...instead of Good being good, Good is rather Ok...which makes Bad shift as well, from Bad to Fuuuuuuck This Shit....or something like that..I am a visual person as you all know, so of course if I were to do this rant for you in person I would have had a full power point presentation with graphs and shit...

Anyways...As I was saying, I feel like on my good days certain facts don't bother me...i get by, all starts looking up...maybe because that's monday and i just had a nice conversation the night prior...then Wednesday comes along, and in those three days, work has built up, text messages go unanswered, and i'm just counting down the days til....actually...i don't even know what i'm counting..whether it's up or down..i look forward to the weekend, but there's no purpose to the weekend.all that means to me is i don't have to get in trouble at work for two days...and if not that then i'm counting up the days i don't hear from you, but in all actuality, "up" denotes a positive action...this couldn't be further from the truth...

my mind works in a horribly vicious way..it assumes, goes to the extremes, has an imagination on it's own level of intricacies i myself can't even explain. Something as simple as a picture will make my brain go into hyper overdrive, halting my world, and only causing pain there forth.

Example: My ex-girlfriend posts a picture and I go crazy...reason being what she's wearing..no nothing scandalous but rather a beanie...ok, backstory: A long while ago I was perusing the many pictures she's sent me and I noticed the beanie in one of them...loving girls in hats I asked her about it..she searched for it, wanting to wear it for me, yet could not find it..she never came across it again...i guess until today that is...and in my twisted world, I would think (and here's me over-thinking per usual) that if she were to find said beanie, take picture with said beanie, that she would have sent the picture to me with a caption "look what i found" - I mean, that's something totally legit that happens..i believe i've gotten and sent out similar messages in the past.

Now i don't want to go into the whole argument with you about how she's an ex and so forth..we still talk, we still send pictures, we text/call/whatever..it was situational and i'll go more into this some other time..so, for the sake of this argument, treat her like a friend, not a girlfriend.

So at this, i've got nothing - i could point out that i hadn't heard back from her in a couple days from our last text so this would have been an appropriate ice breaker..but i've got nothing..it's actions, or rather non-actions like this that make me question every single thing..every single written word..everything.

And these are the thoughts that trouble me...sure i tend to over-analyze things, but, it's kinda hard to see things for what they really are when...what they really are is not what you think..

This isn't Hell, it's far worse..it's relationship purgatory.






"She wants to fall in love with you but she's afraid of getting hurt, afraid of lies, and afraid she'll end up with only tears in her eyes.”

I Didn't Mean for This

but my writing has a mind of its own..
..and this is the price I have to pay

blskfmsb;aab;ba;alb;afkeriojef;lke;flefklkeklerfmlemkqc mq'ewl

I don't even feel like writing right now only because I really don't know what I want to say..I'm afraid I'll say too much without saying anything at all, or without proper clarification. I don't want my words misconstrued and used against me without any understanding. Simply put, I have issues, however, these are no more a big of deal or any different than any other person's issues. If there's such a thing as "common knowledge" there has to be a thing of "common issues" or "common concerns". Let me explain.

When it comes to relationships, I gain issues. It's like owning a house and then you realize you have a backyard, you're going to put a trampoline there - as I enter a relationship, any and all past concerns resurface...it's not voluntary, they just come to light, get pulled off the backburner, get the dust blown off of them. Now I'll be the first person to say that you cannot hold grudges on your current lover based off the actions from your past - they aren't the ones who did whatever to you, so don't build up walls and attack them for things they didn't actually do. (until they do it) Give people the fresh slate they deserve.

I was called stupid yesterday by someone who was arguing this with me. I like to believe in people from the start, I let them fail on their own accord. If someone tells me something, I'll believe them, what other reason do I have not to?! It may sound foolish, but what good comes of thinking everyone is lying to you, everyone is out to get you, everyone is trying to take advantage of you? It's a lot easier to throw up walls and not let people in than to do just the opposite.

"but i'm tired of getting hurt...i'm protecting myself..." That's bullshit. If you're not making mistakes you're not doing it right. How can you love if you don't allow yourself to do so...oh what, you want this magical moment where as much as you try to block someone out and push them away they keep trying, tearing down your walls like Reagan? No, that's not going to happen, because you'll continue to fight them off, no matter what, and then they'll eventually give up, and you'll be left alone saying "see, told you so" playing the victim card one more time.

So I let love in. Granted I'm not falling in love with every person I meet, I mean I'm responsible enough with my heart in that respect, but I've given up on all that wall making shit - it's tiring not only to build, but to keep up, and fight on all those stupid walls. I'm becoming more open with myself, not allowing myself to lie or be lied to (at least I hope that is the case..trying to make everyone around me be honest...), to just love and live incidentally. But I still have some things to work on...

I've been cheated on, witnessed friends cheat, been in a relationship with an engaged person - so yeah, fuck you to say I have "trust issues". When the world I see around me is as corrupt like that, it's hard to not have "trust issues." Why do people cheat, are humans not monogamous creatures, can we still be faithful and trusted? After being around the block, living life for the twenty-seven years that I have, I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, shit so alarming that it made me want to discredit the value (if any) of being in relationships and of relationships in general.

I'm jealous, I'm clingy, and I have an over-active imagination - which does havoc on my psyche. I fully trust my partner-otherwise I wouldn't BE with them-but I still have my concerns. Take communication for example. The girls I've dated are like myself in regards to how they use their cell phones...so when I don't get a reply to my text, I don't panic..it is what it is, people have lives, duh. HOWEVER one thing that will drive me absolutely crazy is either A) very slow responses in certain situations when otherwise the texting conversation is very fast paced..and 2) when we are having a conversation and then all of a sudden the other person drops off from the face of the planet (especially if they were the ones to initiate the conversation!) Then in those situations I get concerned...what the heck is going on, why can't they respond now, what are they doing? I do not think these things are crazy, or even "issues", these are common concerns you'd find in any person polled.

And from there we can go right into the issue of having opposite sex friends, or exes as friends. A lot of people I've known cannot handle it when their partner has either a large fan base of the opposite sex, or a member of the opposite sex with whom that person is really close with. Meh, I mean yeah, it's awkward at first, but I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I have a large fan base of women in my life with whom I talk to and interact with - but you know, it was just the other day I said how taxing that must be for the 'one' woman in my life, and how I wish to change that. Sure it's a positive thing to have a good mixture, but anything other than that is unsettling. I've said it before, I'll say it some more: Girls and guys are friends for a reason, the reason just so happens to be that most of the time feelings came into play.

I'll just come out and say it, I'm not a fan of my girl being friends with a guy when I know and She knows that he has feelings for her. Do I trust her, of course I do! (again, I said it before, if I didn't trust her I wouldn't be dating her), but-here's that infamous line- it's the guy I do not trust. It's cliche but I hate when people try to disregard it because of that fact, it's cliche because it's true. I'm a guy, I know guys, I know how guys are, I know what goes on in guys heads. Girls, you think you know what's going on, but no..when we start talking about women, or cooking, or cleaning, I'll ask for your input. This, however, I got.

Girls who are friends with guys, whatever...it happens, no harm no foul. BUT the moment that guy finally professes his love for her, shows interest, whatever...uh uh..no can do. There's a reason why people say they can't get in a relationship with their friend-because they'll ruin that friendship..YA DAMN RIGHT. or at least, that's what should happen...However girls have this thing in their head where they think if they say no, then that means no. Try telling this to all women who get raped every year...guys simply do not hear the word "no".

So after the true emotions come out, Sally tells John no, then they somehow magically (for some reason everything this past week is either magic or wizardry) continue to be friends. In the Girl's head and world, Sally has voiced her opinion and that's the final verdict. HOWEVER, in John's world it's a different story.

John has been turned down, but it's not over, he is determined, he will try again. And now that nothing between them has changed, he is especially determined. They are still friends, they are still close...he can still win her over. He will plot and scheme til he is blue in the face trying to get a way for her to be with him. I mean why not, Sally is still in his life, they still talk, obviously she must be entertaining the idea otherwise he'd be history by now. As long as Sally stays in John's life like it was before, John will continue to try and believe he has a chance with Sally. Again, Sally is set on nothing ever happening ..(everything can be peachy-keen and that's a skewed mentality)..but John on the other hand, as long as Sally is in sight, he can still fire away.

People with under-minding motives piss me off. In the last example John and Sally stay friends, for whatever reason, and all this really does is encourage John to try more and even harder. With John's "foot in the door", so to speak, he can retain that "friendship" where Sally feels comfortable. Comfortability is crucial for John to win Sally "back". Because John is a friend with Sally he now has insight into her life, commenting and critiquing on every guy that comes into Sally's life...is there for Sally's heartaches..and because of that comfort, will succeed in his quest.

It happens, it's real..I've seen it, I've lived it, on both ends. I'm tired of it. Guys have hidden agendas. It's for this reason I'm not friends with many guys, I cannot live like that, nor do I want that around me. If you've openly expressed feelings for a girl that I am dating and are friends with her, that will be the last of you. Yes she does have the right to be friends with whomever she wants to, and I'm not a controlling bastard that will tell her what she can and cannot do...but I do not like when my girl will willing put herself into situations that may jeopardize our relationship.

----->Sidenote: Any girl that listens to my concerns, has an understanding for my concerns, and respects my concerns is one HELL of a person...and I'm lucky to have found such a person<------

The guy doesn't want to "just be friends", if he did, he would have never dropped the bombshell that he liked you. If he was any sort of decent man he could retain his friendship, but slowly drift away into the night, putting his focus on conquering another woman. But no..this was something he wanted, was denied, and is rightfully someone else's. (For the record I know that women are not possessions, but for the love of writing, please just go along with it..it's not like this is the first time someone has ever said anything like this, and in no way is it meant to be undermining or belittling, sheesh.) Guy's like challenges, and that makes me more concerned.

So it's not the girl I do not trust, I understand her logic and where she stands, it's the guy who I know is relentless in his pursuit, badmouthing me whenever he can, there for my girl in her time of need, gaining that comfort which turns into something more...

say I have trust issues?...well it's because of fagots like you I have "trust issues" - you on the other hand must have mommy issues for the amount of pussy you try to snag on a nightly basis.

be gone you, before I learn how to do that one mile kill-shot.









"She says she doesn't want to hurt me - that's what happens in love and war, people get hurt..if they didn't there wouldn't be anything to die for"

Move-ember

there's something in a sunday...
..that makes a body feel alone

In Memoriam.

I was wondering what I was going to do today, and looking back upon it, I realize that I'm still trying to figure it out. Last night, err, this early morning we rolled back our clocks, which means an extra hour of sleep, unless you're me...For whatever reason my body just knows about DST and laughs at my thoughts of getting an extra hour of sleep - instead, it has an extra hour to keep me up..and ponder.

I'm doing my best to write, honestly. While I'm away from my computer a thousand ideas and topics rush through my head...rush so rapidly that I cannot grasp onto them when the time is appropriate.

So to kill two bluebirds with one stone, I am writing write now...it would be what he wanted I feel.

It's November now, so all creativity has fled my mind only to leave a vacancy for numbness and sorrow...the inevitable and much dreaded November is upon me, and while I look to the very near future for some sort of light at the end of the month, I am haunted by the past.

You can call it a self-fulled prophecy because my eyes are only fixated on the rear view mirror of my life, it's hard to overcome obstacles in your head when you never learn how to get around the roadblocks you yourself put up.

Why do we as people choose to go down the same disastrous road time and time again - is it that we are just products of habit? Even with the knowledge of the outcome, does it just feel comfortable? Are we trying, maybe hoping, to correct the wrongs from all previous attempts - in one of those self-sacrificing, say hello to my little friend, balls to the walls knock me down 7 times and I'll stand up 8 displays of detrimental dedication?

I suppose it must vary from person to person, as for myself, I suppose I'm still trying to figure that one out. When do you say enough is enough and give up, and when should you keep trying? All our lives we are fed these conflicting bullshit lines of hope, that really don't amount to anything and just contradict one another. They'll say a winner never quits in the same breath they say know when to walk away.

In the end it's all about the bloody outcome...if you continue over and over and finally achieve your goal, you'll go down as a stupid footnote to some cliche line about overcoming adversity...and conversely, should you never obtain that goal you'll be Moral Number 77, quit while ahead.

If at first you don't succeed try and try again, unless that is you're trying the same thing over and over again...then you're just insane.

So I'm preparing for this November, or Move-ember, or Mo-vember as people call it now - growing a mustache to support testicular cancer awareness - I like to mesh the Mo with Moves and testicular cancer with cancer, so it's Move-ember to me..all encompassing.

So there you have it, I'll see you at the cross-roads.











"To anyone I've ever met: I'll see you all again after our long journey to the middle."

Do What I Ask of You..

..not because i said it
..because you WANT to do it

because sheep are common, sincerity is rare...

I don't like telling people what to do - i know i know..i know what you are thinking..don't you constantly tell people to "fuck off", isn't that telling them what to do...you know what i say to that, fuck off...anyways, i don't like telling people what to do, i don't like asking people to do things either - granted it's a form of a psychological behavior characteristic where i have a fear of dependency - nothing is really ever going to change that though, soooo it's still my reality.

i don't like asking for help, whether i'm at work, walking down the street, whatever; not because i have some macho complex where i feel as if i can do it myself, it's because i don't like putting people out like that. i don't want to ask for help because i don't want to inconvenience someone, i don't want them to do something they don't want to do...now this goes into a deeper thought where i'd say, if they really wanted to help, they would have asked or jumped right in...if they saw me carrying a bunch of shit they should have done the right thing and held the door open..

so this goes right into, i'd rather let people fail me and let me down, then try to keep them on a level of respect they don't really deserve. if i were to ask fucktard to "hey, can you hold that door for me" and they did, sure it betters me for a moment since i won't have to struggle to juggle the groceries, swipe my card, catch the door with the three seconds i have to get it opened and get in..but it doesn't do anything for the credibility for that other person...they did something because they were told to do so - granted they didn't have to, but in their minds they have done their one good deed for the day, even though it wasn't a real act of genuine compassion, they were merely doing it to not feel bad about being a horrible person.

All this is exactly the opposite of how i act; i'm more likely to give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. i constantly put myself out there for other people, i do things for them, that, i wish people would do for me - it's like a twisted form of the golden rule - i do those types of things for people because that's the kind of respect and love i liked shown in return. i'd never ask someone to move to be with me, but you better believe i'd move for them without their ever questioning it.

And the same goes for things that were asked of me as well. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was actually never said to me, but rather relayed back to me through co-workers. Someone said, "Jangus could have twenty different things going on, but if you needed something and you asked him, he'd have twenty-one.."

Now granted i may put the needs of others before mine a lot, i may do things for people that i wouldn't do for myself, i also put forth a faith in people that is greater than it may should very well be. i think that because i do all these things for people, i will someone see the benefits in return, when i will need them..

take work for example...have you ever been the one to constantly pick up some slackers shifts time and time again...only to have when it came your time to cash in one little favor in comparison to the many you've done for them...your request is not met...this is how my life works.

And though i know i stated i don't like to ask for certain things, i will occasionally do so...but it only becomes a bigger slap in the face when once i asked for certain said thing to be done or not done..only the opposite continues.

when it comes to certain relationships i'm not going to tell you what to do or what not to do, i may give some ground rules on what i'd like to happen or not to happen, what would hurt me, what would make me happy, but i will not chain you up like an outside dog and say stay. you are given the power of free will, i'm not going to stifle that. HOWEVER, in caps for a reason, your actions make up your own destiny...

My relationships with people are very similar to that of god's with people...yes you have the ability to do whatever you want...buuuuuuut, there's things i'd not like you to do..and if you do them, well, we won't reach that nirvana. (Hi, i'm god)

all this is really is just an ongoing test - test my patience and fail

prove to me that you're worth my time, and i'll do the same in return...

only you can prevent forest fires..







"Kiss me, please kiss me, But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation."

I Swear...

it's so easy...
..it hurts...

he does things so i have something to write about...

"A friend to all - is a friend to none"

Novelty, Idea

pogs, love,
friends, pets...

the novelty that is my life

Do you remember gigapets, or hypercolor clothing, or cabbage patch kids, or anything random you absolutely had to have at the time and it was all you ever wanted in life and maybe you still have it, locked away in a storage space, covered in other boxes or dust..and looking back you are all like, 'what was i thinking?" yeah, that's me.

i don't know what it is about me or my personality, but i have found that is has the same results time and time again. i am nothing more than a piece of novelty that people have in their life for a brief period of time. from friends to girlfriends, it's always the same reasoning - because i'm not the norm. what is it that makes me so different - is it my rebellious ways, the crazy energy, the sarcasm dripping off of every comment, the intellectual humor, the utter disregard for standard social norms? please, someone tell me...

one thing that i have found, when it comes to my friends, they have been envious of the lifestyle i have lived..i remember one spring many moons ago my friends were on break from college, they came back to their respective homelands and hung out with me...after a few nights they said they were having the most fun they've had all year, and asked if this is what i, and some of the regulars in my life, did every night...but of course..it didn't seem out of place for me at the time, but looking back, i can kinda see why people were loving it and wanting more..

other friends have thanked me for the impact i have made on their lives, showing them you don't always have to take the same route every time...that they don't have to be so uptight when it comes to life and to laugh a lil...i honestly do not know what is it that i do, like i said, i'm still trying to figure half this shit out..

most of the time i find that friends will come into my circle because they so happened to have known someone already in the circle and with that initial experience want to keep up my lifestyle...only to fall short every time..people will try to roll with the jangus, but only few will be able to match it.

as for girlfriends..i think that group is the wisest....at first they desire the 'crazy rambunctious guy' but when they realize it's not a front, that it is a constant, that i can not settle down, they go in one of two directions..either they will A) walk away knowing better, or 2) do what most girls do in any situation involving a guy, try to change him..Of course we all know how that works out on any guy, but given someone who is as stubborn as me and you got a battle where i'll never back down....

but the worst thing about this is all is the effects it has on me...once you start being treated like a novelty, once you start realizing you are just a novelty, you start making everything around you a novelty as well, thus propagating the circle even more..which, when happens, is just a snowball effect with no looking back.

take for example my residence or state of living for the past 8 years.....2 years in NWI, then 2 years in Btown, then 2 seasons in CP, and i'm about to approach on the 2 year mark here in indy....things that didn't last the two year mark, Hawai'i and UofM..funny how those are two of the things that i would take up on another venture....until that other year runs out more than likely, and than i'll be onto somewhere new...the terrible two's i calls it

can i stay in a place more than 2 years, on my own - since anything pre-18 doesn't really count...i don't know...i've never tried it, i've always bailed as the two year itch started in. and in all honesty it doesn't make a lick of sense to pack and leave after two years, because by that two year mark i've made my way through the city, know the in's and out's, what's good, who to get the hookups from, etc...i'm pretty much made by the second year, but i give it all up to start a new...to be fresh meat somewhere else...why?

and because of my erratic living conditions, hopping from state to state, keeping a steady girlfriend is the last of my concerns..diamonds are forever, jangus is not. not until i settle down in a place, like really settle and be content with, am i ready to have a serious/steady relationship....granted, there have been girls to make me think it's almost possible, and i'll change my ways to follow them across the globe..but in the end, i know myself best and i grow weary of where i am and how i got there.

now this is just the beginning of me and my effects i have on people...i suppose i can start new label for this type of thing as it can almost be it's own little series...that's what my blog needs, groupings for the blogs, to depict what shit you are reading...i mean the categories do that, but you can break it down from things like quotes, or the different years, like the Bloo years, or the CP years...oh man...speaking of cp..the effects i had on people at cp, those are worth many stories...










"They have a popcorn machine, a gigantic telescope, a slot machine, and yet live in poverty - yeah with all of this impulse/novelty bullshit you'd think they'd own jangus by now"