Hiatus

what..
where?

And how much does it cost?

It's a weird feeling, knowing that you've been writing, yet going to your home page and seeing zero posts for 2014.  So, have I been writing?  What exactly have I been doing this entire month?

Well, I have been writing, just different forums and projects...but of course nothing you can see on here.  Looking back and realizing this, this must have been the cause for my drought in the past - focusing my writing energy in various places other than in this blog.  Ranting on facebook, trolling, and side "homework" projects have consumed my time and efforts, leaving this in the dust.

But I don't want it to be like that.

This here blog has been with me for over a decade now and I will continue to use it as an outlet for my creative genius...whether some think so or not.

Many people have tried to silence me in the past, I won't let myself be one of them.

I've been thinking about adding some of my better troll posts on here, so you all can get a laugh, see something updated and new, and not have my post count sit at zero.  It's a work in progress and maybe i'll try a few to test the waters..

So that's what has been going on in my world.  I'm alive.  I'm writing.  Just need to recenter myself and focus in on here.  I realize I can't be in a million places at once, and if you spread genius out too thin, it is no longer genius but a flimsy average crust.















"you's be trollin!"

Damn, Blog

Shit...

Fuck...

damn damn

I had a rant while I wa sat work, and now, I've got a blank...hmmmm.  Well, this is how bored I've gotten..to blogging while at work.   That's write, your tax dollars are hard at work.  Actually, this is good.  I'm able to do things like this, that I need.  So instead of some lame ass AA or chaplain talks and any other weird shit the military would fund..I've got this..so it works.

Moved into our rooms finally, and at first I thought it was a blessing, now, looking back on things I'm not so sure...as I awoke this morning at 10am.  Maybe my body is trying to catch up from the past 3 weeks of bullshit.

I work what i like to call the night shift, but they call it the midshift..whatever, my counterpart works from 7-15, and i work from 15-2300...well, actually 2400/0000/midnight..I work the extra hour because around 2000 I send one of the two embarkers to the gym (home) because they work 12 hour shifts and that's just stupid to me.  So every other day one they get to leave early...I have this luxury because my new promotion makes me the highest ranking person in the office after 1800, so they listen....bringing common sense to the military..I won't make it very far

So yeah, I just bite the bullet and stay for an extra hour to ensure two people are in the office at any given time...the poor shift that follows, midnight to noon does not have this opportunity.

Also trying to work out something where we can get a day off.  Say the first Sunday I work a split shift and my counterpart has off..the next Sunday the roles are reversed...just because the days are already blending together...it's not even been a month, and I know we haven't done any grueling labor...but every.single.day...man, that shit takes its toll on you.

This month of December will be in your face with bullshit posts just to get the numbers up..also dust off my fingers and make them work again, I apologize in advance for what is to come.

It may not be the best of times, but winds are blowing.

"wake me up, when september ends?"

Posty Posty

ran

dumb

random

With all this extra time on my hands I really should be writing/posting....instead of watching and critiquing Snakes on a Plane.  Seriously though, I haven't slept much due to this time change..and as soon as I do pass out, I'm awoken by everybody's alarms going off over and over for the morning shift...then they wake up and start talking with that absolutely hideous southern accent..

If I wanted to listen to someone talk with shit in their mouths, I would just talk to....a dog.

God, it's like the proverbial nails on a chalkboard in my mind...shiver.  The slack-jawed yokels I work with..Idiots that get promoted with lower cutting scores than one should get promoted with...and here I am, squeaking by to the next rank with a cutting score that would get me to 2 ranks higher in their job...fuck.

Anyway..I've got a lot of catching up to do if I wish to not make this the least productive year for writing ever...

Ok, this is simple..it's just me mashing my fingers on the keys in a rhythmic fashion...I can do this..I can double time this shit..I'm recovering from a back injury, so I'm bed-ridden for a minute - no gym, and only work and eating..I can do this..

prepare your browsers, the double posts are coming...

"If I have one ragret in life, it's that i did not go see Snakes on a Plane in the theater"

Don't Call it a Comeback

I'm here to stay forever

and ever and a day that's never

I can't let you go

Look, I can sit here and make excuses about this, that, or the other - granted the past three plus weeks have been hectic - the main point isI'm back. We all know there's gonna be a hiatus in the summer months, and then just as all that ends, and September rolls in (bloody bloody September), so does my blogging.

It's a week in and I'm already late on this. Finally there's things to say, but I haven't had the opportunity...so now i'm just making this stepping stone of a blog to get my fingers a little wet, wipe off the dust, break off the rust, and go for the gust...oh

I figure if i knock something out of the way, something such as this, it will give way to something a little more...meaningful. As I said to another fellow blogger (oh, did I mention I got someone to start blogging?!), not every post is going to be a masterpiece, work of art, nobel prize worthy...but think about who you're doing it for..and also think of those as the unofficial important takes on the really good ones. Sure in another world posts like these get deleted - like scenes in a movie, you don't actually follow around the character for every move - and what's left is all diamonds and gold...but the truth is, you have to remove some dirt off before you have that...that necessary dirt is these posts.

So as I stumble over the keys hunting and pecking, trying to formulate my analogies, this is what happens...practice makes perfect, and this is me coming back from the off-season..first games are a little deficient.

but it's ok, certain skills are like certain loves, yo never really lose them.

"Come with me"

The Weekend

some posts

are just nothing

and so you get this

I spent the weekend, heavily medicated and heavily under the bottle. I won't go into details of the matter, but let's just continue with "i'm here, and I'm alive" Sometime this week I finished reading Lolita, took a few days off before I read, and finished, God Hates Us All. The next book..not sure, Great Gatsby? Possibly.

I wrote some things yesterday, late last night, well after my, well ,everything, was wearing off..i'll have to go back and check it out, not that it posted, i just know there's got to be huge gaps in whatever i came up with..

I'm feeling....tired. I can't focus on the thoughts I had earlier, and not that it troubles me, it's just whatever. Maybe I'll get a good night's sleep...but more than likely I'll wake up somewhere around 4am having to piss and move over into my bed, where I'll hit the huge pillow I brought over to eleviate my foot and face plant into the bed itself, making me feel as if I am crashing helplessly into hopelessness.

That's all i Got from this weekend, I survived, ain't that good enough?

"I'd say that's the plan, but lord knows how well my plans actually go through.."

Nothing

dot,

dot,

dot.

Good evening readers. It's been a couple weeks since my last post, funny how I posted more when I was in a far away land..and of course since my last post things have happened - I am actually currently in the works of this epic post, but I needed to take a break form that, I guess..or maybe I lost all hope in that train of thought for the moment.

I just deleted that last sentence..interesting. I guess I have a knack for deleting things recently, or getting things deleted..something along those lines. I really am struggling with words..words that actually make complete sentences...i guess i cannot say "I am without words" because even when I am, such as a time like now, I still find someway to force them.

Despite my shortcomings I push through.bah, even as i type that sentence I hate the wording...I'm losing my touch..losing my touch with everything. This is just an update, nothing more..

I'm alive, that is all.

"oh i suppose i'll put something witty down here..."

Leap Year Post

special post..
special day..

well, not really the first statement...

This post really has no sustenance to it..it's just a post because it's a rare day..so yeah, here you go…

Today would be a good day to pick up girls from the bar - explanation…bitches women love to celebrate their birthdays, it's science..and any bartender will tell you how they can't get away a single weekend out of the year without some gaggle fuck of women "woo-ing", ordering girly shots, throwing glitter, wearing tiaras, etc because it's someone's birthday celebration..even if it's thanksgiving or Christmas..these girls come out to party..

Anyway, people are born every day of the year, shocking, but who has the rarest birthday of them all…the Leap Year Day Babies…and this group will go to any lengths to make February 29th a wild one, no matter what day of the week it lands on..even a Wednesday…

Sure they could celebrate it on the closest weekend, like anyone else would do, or like they have done for those three other years…but when something as 'special' as the 29th of February rolls around, you better believe they'll be out in full force.

And they'll have to drag their friends out..and their friends will have to come..even if it is a Wednesday like it is today…

didn't they make some crappy movie about Leap Year Day..and didn't they play it on a non-leap year..wtf marketing people...

other than that, I don't have much else to say at this point..trying to do something..anything…

is it weird that every leap year we vote for a president?








"Leap Year Day is just one more day of suffering.."

Every Now and Then

don't..
don't start singing..

just, stay with me here

So every now and then, it's something that only comes around once in..a total lunar eclipse, but it happens. So every now and then I will write a post, in full, yet not publish it. It will be ready to go and I all I have to do is hit that stupid little publish button, but I don't, at least not then.

You see, nothing upsets me more than seeing drafts on my dashboard. Even so to the extent that I have published half blogs, posts that were for whatever reason never completed, even if it makes no sense...just because, it was something I was going through at that time. Of course I would have loved to finished those thoughts, and as angry as I am for leaving those ideas in limbo, I published them regardless.

But certain posts, like maybe one I just wrote, maybe, are full of too much emotion at a certain time, or full of too much information, that for whatever reason I cannot publish it then. It's good just to get things off my chest, type it out if you will. And although I will talk to anyone about anything at anytime, for some reason posts like those are considered in a way to be classified material - with an unclass date sometime in the future.

And so there will come a time when the post gets published, and only I know when it happens because by then there's been so many other posts it gets lost or hidden along the way...and so my avid readers will never really see it, and only those that just join in at that later time who read back may be the only ones who actually come across it..and then, by then, that situation has blown over and we're sailing smoothly into another.

So if you think I'm not writing, you may be wrong, I may just not be publishing, sorry if hat throws you off.








"Click, aaaaaaand..I can't post this...save now.."

Bitch/Shut Up

sometimes..

some people..

just need to know when to..

if you're wondering if i'm doing alright, i'm not. I don't feel so much like do this, let alone anything at the moment, but I'm getting behind. I almost wrote up a blog last night, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm also glad for something else, but we'll get to that in a minute.

Last night was really bad for me - in all actuality it was an accumulation of the weekend with a short hiccup of positivity on Christmas that left me in the sad state I was in last night. Normally I can do a pretty good job of holding back on those emotions, but last night was one of those rare exceptions.

I was in a state of vulnerability, crying, and about to venture down the rabbit hole of my life with anyone that would have listened..let's just say it was really bad..

I'm also thankful for living on the west coast, though i find that in itself is a double edged sword. I make my calls to friends, and they all happen to be in a time that's three hours ahead - lucky for the both of us really. As much as I need someone to talk to, as much as I just want a shoulder to cry on..I don't..as I mentioned before, I don't want to go that far down the rabbit hole..I don't want to let people in on that side of me, the details, the reality of things...

I did get through to one person however, only because they too are here in Cali, so the midnight calls aren't that extreme. I was reluctant to call this person, I didn't want to bother this person with my troubles, i knew better, i knew they didn't need that, but..tears make you do funny things.

I called and my friend answered, which actually said/meant a lot to me. I played it off cool at first, but we both knew there was a reason for my call..and I started to break down...I would like to say talking helped, but it didn't..i know my friend said that they cared and wanted to listen, but i think once things got heavy they 'had to go' - story of my life.

So nothing was accomplished or resolved...and those emotions are just on a lunch break..soon to strike up again.unless something happens or changes. and lord knows i won't dare get that emo on here..

this blog has been pretty much a waste of space..both your time and my time..honestly i wonder if it would really make a difference if i quit this or not..or anything for that matter..

i knew better than to bother anyone..









"it's not about the odds, it's about believing she represents something…hope"

Briefly

no time for this thing
I JUST SAID...

grrrr, fine......

I've been sleeping the day away for the most part, with a break for yoga....ugh, hate yoga. I saw the doctor today, nobody really knows what's going on..went and did some random lame tests, then got a shot in the ass...my favorite part about that was when the doctor said "oh shit" - which makes immediately turn around to see blood all over my ass. awesome. my response was me laughing.

i'll make this brief since my head is still in no condition to conjure up thoughts...for the second half of work i tried to do an electricity course and stared at the screen until it was time to go. And what am i doing now...staring at a screen..blindly moving my fingers..

i said brief-ly....ahh that reminds me of a funny story, well not so much funny as..i don't know what the proper words would be...i wear briefs still, granted they are Calvin Klein briefs, so the cut isn't as traditional as a normal brief..i wear them..i wear boxers...i wear boxer briefs...i don't notice and i don't care. as long as my junk is covered up. ugh, i gotta pay more attention i guess..always with the fucking up i am...

I almost headed to bed, but I figured i could knock this out really quickly. So in the end, my head hurts, i can't make awesome sauce blogs because my brain is being slashed with a knife, i can't do yoga because i suck at being flexible, and also because i have things on my mind, i can't get you off my mind, and such is my life...

when does it stop








"i really don't have a quote to put here...i really can't think...i really am lost..."

Housekeeping

Cleaning up..
changing up..

trying to show i care

Every time i start to get balls deep back into my blog, I always go through a revamping of the layout itself...it only makes sense, the times have changed, there's a new chapter currently being written, time to spruce up the ol page itself.

I took some time just cleaning up some things, nothing really noticeable, just time consuming..change the widths on the side bars and blog posts themselves, that was something that drove me crazy..it looks cleaner in my opinion now. Changed the fonts a bit...you know, just little things i think give it a better look

I tried changing my background picture because i hate the fact i am using someone else's artwork...i have plenty of pictures to use, but they file sizes are too large and when i resize them, they just get tiled..it's annoying.

alright, that's all i got, just wanted to see how all the new functions were working, how it looked, etc...we will be back to our regularly scheduled program, now.








"the dust on this shit is killing me...fucking allergies..."

I Feel Sick

must...
write...

to keep...promise....

I'm not gonna blame the night of crying, or the two days straight of drinking, or the four days off from work...i'm gonna blame the chicken wings I just ate - sad part is, those were kept refrigerated..unlike the pizza i ate for breakfast that obviously sat out all night long..

Ugh, I went to the gym to make up for the day lost yesterday, I probably spent more time rambling on about my life than I spent doing my actual workout. You know me, I like to jar on of stories that sound so ridiculous that they almost sound made up, rather it is just my everyday life. At one point one of the people listening in spouted off that I needed to write a book..I chuckled of course because that blanketed statement gets tossed at me more than panties at a Tom Jones concert.

I of course replied back that I do write, it's in the form of an online blog, and so making a book would just be silly - also, what the eff would I ever write about? Now I realized that most of my hits on the blog in the recent months have only occurred whenever I mentioned it in a post on dailybooth..and as we all know, as of 11:11 11/11/11 that I ended my stint on that particular website. That should not come to any surprise for you who have been following, it came close to an end back in August of just last year, and I've been toying with the idea ever since. Just until recently have I taken the time to really assess just what practicality it was to still be using such a form of social media.

(i would like to ask...how the fuck I gained three followers well after the time i posted my last post..really people?)

Sure I could continue to use it in the sense of whoring out my blog with posts dedicated solely to that..but really, if those who were reading my original dailybooth posts couldn't grasp the genius that was in those posts, I highly doubt they would even make it past the opening blurb in these blogs.

that and i'm tired of meeting people who have nothing better to do than fuck with my time.

So at one point I stop telling my story to the crowd encircling me at the gym and I go workout...just a 45 minute workout did the job, i broke a sweat and I packed up my bags. On my way out I said goodbye to the front desk, finishing up of course with whatever filler I may have unintentionally left out from the previous stories. As doing so, one of the earlier members walked by and questioned if i ever left to workout...amidst my laughing, the front desk worker responded in amazement telling the returnee how i had some crazy stories, and started to suggest i tell them again..i apologized as i didn't have the time for such a thing, as much as i would have enjoyed it, i really had to be on my way...and away i was.

I'll make the note that telling a live audience about the random nonsense that is my life ultimately deteriorates any blogging that will come later in the day from me. See, my blogs are my thoughts at that moment, whatever the hot topic is in my head for the day or that moment in time will get unleashed in the blog....but if i rant before then..whether it be to someone else, to myself, or just making full thoughts in my head..the rant escapes, the blog post fades away..as if it's been erased..from history (familiar feeling there bud?)

As i make my way to my car, which for some reason i always park way too far away from the front doors, i start to think...is my life really that interesting? "Write a book" they all say, but who the heck wants to read this dribble...how is this any different from the random crap that happens to everyone else? I mean, I understand that i'm awesome and all, but really, i don't feel as if i am any more special...am i wrong to think this? Is it my stories that are intriguing or they way they are recanted..

all these answers and more will be revealed in blogs to come, of course, only you hold the answers..








"I'm sooo hungry...wait, now i'm gonna puke....ugh, i want to eat...wait...ughhh"

Just Nothing

when good enough..
..isn't good enough

putting the 'bla' in blue35tuesday...

I'm not feeling this...any of this...after a second day of libo, second day of (kinda) doing what I wanted, wearing what I wanted, being who I wanted to be, I feel blaaa. It was shortly after returning from the gym and eating chow when I felt this discontent with the world. This feeling would only grow on me as the night dwindled down to a close.

Maybe it was the fact of dealing with the engine/trans issues that have been lingering on since...after boot..maybe because my $20,000 vehicle has been sitting and rusting away since Feb of this year...maybe because even after all is said and done I won't have the money to deal with the shitty situation..maybe because this situation - as a whole - i mean everything -- is not to my liking.

I'm not enjoying my time in guard - the man who could turn any situation into something enjoyable is apparently losing his touch it would seem. I hate how we [guard] get blasted like we are still recruits..we don't get the freedom or privileges that even ITB is getting..and I hate fucking up

Getting called out on shit upsets me, not because those who are doing the calling out are picky sons-of-bitches that really need something better to do than take our their mommy neglecting them when they were children issues out on me..but rather because I failed. I hate failing.

All throughout my childhood I've always been in the top percent on anything I did (except swimming, but who the fuck cares about that...) I guess once my name got out that I wasn't the run-of-the-mill child I got away with more and more...Example was back in highschool, I was interested in applying for the Advanced Placement U.S. History class. In order to get selected you had to write an essay on a certain drawing or something along those lines, yeah, it as like an application process pretty much. Regardless I wanted to know what the course was like so I went and talked to the teacher for a little bit. After the discussion I decided that I would apply for the class. So one week later I turned in my essay and as I am doing so the teacher looks at me baffled..he asks me what I was handing him, I explain my application..to which he tells me that all I had to do is say I wanted in and I got it...

Here I haven't amounted to anything yet, and more than likely I will not make a career out of this...I actually see myself using my MOS skills and security clearance to become one of those defense contractors...and make six figures...Yes, money is the answer to 99.9% of questions and problems. I'm just trying to figure out what that other .1% is...

Maybe I'm beating myself up, maybe not...you are you're own worst critic they say. Well, maybe I'm not as harsh as my mother who said my blog wasn't anything worth reading - lol. Yeah she said this to me over my boot leave but in a conversation we had last night she doesn't recall it...I guess she reads this tripe and actually likes it...I can't think of anyone who really doesn't enjoy this little blog

Even you, yeah you..secretly reading away checking on my every move..seeing if I'm doing something else 'stupid' - welcome to the reality that is my life. You can read away..I'm just someone else, but a lot more interesting..and maybe if you were to actually know me..you wouldn't hate me? Of course I cannot make any guarantees on that, you either love me, hate me, or love me then turn to hating me. So I suppose anything is possible...you'll see, if you haven't already as you've read deep into my psyche, that I'm really not that bad of a person and I've never meant any harm..it's just a really fucked up situation and it's hard to make sense of it.

I hate sounding all emo and shit, and this blog really doesn't need that type of misdirection, but sometimes that's the only time I want to write...It may not be my best writing, but it's something out there...and I know not every day I can write, some days you're on, some days you're off - granted I'm on more often than not ;-)

I miss things..I miss photography..I miss TJ..I miss living my life.







"you always seem to make something good great"

2011

New Year..
knew nothing

same ol same ol

My first post of the New Year..I didn't do my yearly wrap-up like I enjoy doing..heck, I didn't even accomplish my goal - which was to make more posts than my lowest post year ever (2007 with 42 posts...I fell short, 34). So now I feel bad, I'm upset, I failed, and really...I don't know why..

When I think about everything that went on in 2010, and as much of a kick as I got going on later in the year, out of the 365 days, I only published 34 posts?

This year does not look promising either. I have, what, 39 days before I have the next who knows how long off and away from a computer. Well heck, even if I post everyday until then I'll still beat last year, as sad as that is.

So in short, stay tuned..enjoy the posts..enjoy my updates...but don't get too attached because it'll be all gone, once again.

take me as i come cuz i can't stay long.










"..but this year goes to eleven.."

We Talkin' bout Practice

warm me up,
put me in

I need to get back into the groove..

No, that's not a "that's what she said" joke, i honestly need to get back in the groove of writing again...and of course the only way to do that is to, well, actually do it. So these (re)start-me-up blog posts I'm making, although yes get published as finished works, they are the practice writings til i actually get better, if ever..

that being said, my football team had practice today - let me point out that every day the team meets up, we have a different group of 11 guys show up - i feel as if i'm making some sort of matrix to see just how many different variations of groupings we can have..so far, it's annoying.

I won't bore you with the details of the team (at the moment), i'll be brief and say practice went well, let's see what happens in the game next week. I suppose the real part of why I mentioned practice is because of what happened at the end of it. As we were finishing our last play a random kid walked over to ask if he could play - and when i say kid, he had to be like 12? I'm horrible with ages. Anyways, everybody had something to say about this kid wanting to play, and after tossing the ball around a couple of times, he waived over his other friends, who naturally kept a safe distance away.

they joined and wanted to play as well, again everyone on the team had something to say, whether it was a groan or an ok, there was not going to be an agreement met. One player asked me, "yo coach, how do you feel about having these kids play with us?" I was welcomed to the idea of utilizing the kids as a pass rush, but knew as i said it, others wouldn't be ok with it...

so the balls were tossed around, some stayed, if briefly and played, others ended the practice and walked off - but the point i'm trying to get at was this. within the group of four boys was one girl. She was adamant about how she could catch a football (and she could), throw a football (and for a 12? year old she could), and how she wanted to play..tackle.

Now I know the term "tomboy" comes to mind, however...there was something different that would overpower the tomboy term i would come to find quickly. What was so odd was her realization of self. now it may be true that i do not have a lot of experience with kids, well, it is true - no siblings, no real deep family with cousins and all that jazz (that i ever met) so i just don't know what it's like to be around kids. I typically think they are all innocent and stupid to be honest.

I think other than this time (and that time three weeks ago at the IU tailgate where I drunkenly played catch with some random kid) i can't recall the last time i was around little kids. for some reason i see this as fucking with me as i am a parent later in life.

I tried then, and pretty much the rest of my day, to remember what it was like to be in 6th/7th grade, being 12, what thoughts were going through my head. This only caused me to drift into a surreal like state.

Ughh, I keep drifting in and out of thought here on this..and you all know how i hate to have my attention diverted for more than a second while writing. I feel utterly and completely exhausted, and i don't know exactly why. So instead of doing my homework that is due in an hour i decided it would be in my best interest to write...followed by me going to bed

though i just want to stay awake, fight the tired, stop dreaming.










"Soooo, it's 5am and i'm wide awake, but about to get in bed...yet, for others, they are just getting out..strange world i live in.."

See New Post

Click New Post
Write New Post

forget about the post as soon as you're finished...

ok, let's see how to do this...it's early, and by early i mean it's sometime shortly after i woke up, which means it's nine in the afternoon. there's a reason i don't write in the morning, errr when i wake up - it's because i can't think straight. all my thoughts are cloudy. i remember being back in school and teachers giving us weird statistics about why we were taking the ISTEPs in the morning, how our brains functioned better...i bet you if i were to take those damn tests at midnight i would have rocked out, but whatever.

there's a lot on my mind...just give it another 9 hours and i'll be able to say something, until then it's a big blob of thoughts...and over time it grows, it shapes, and in the end turns into something..

and i keep distracting myself, so this isn't even making sense...but i'm pushing through, i'm doing it, because that's just what i do..now i may not have much, but i have more determination then any man you're ever likely to meet. some call it being stubborn, strong-headed, or just plain stupid..i just call it living my life...

alright, that's all i got for now....apparently i need to punch someone in the face for making this monday suck balls..and not my balls, i wished my balls were being sucked..then today might not be so bad....










"There's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost... the ship has sailed and only a fool would continue. Truth is... I've always been a fool."

I Was Told To Write

..and i do what i'm told...
..unless i don't want to do it...

i guess it depends on how you come at me

alright, back at it by popular demand...well, not really back..just another blog post for you....i know i have slacked off in the past week or so, but as i have always said, and will continue to say, "once things start happening in my life, i no longer have the time to tell them" so here is an impromptu post

i guess i do have things to talk about, but i'll post them later, i promise...after receiving some text messages telling me i need to start writing i decided to take the, advice...i guess my time away was enough time for people to catch up on my daily blogs from weeks prior.

it's summer, or something close to it - so the money is going away in the restaurant business..unless you work at some travel destination, save up and live minimally is what they are saying...i am once again going to be hunkering down in indy for the summer, no cedar point or cruise ship or crazy things like that...yet.

it's a shame too, i have a lot of trips planned for the next month...multiple trips to chicago, trips to see people in CP, trip to LA and road trip back, trips out of the country....where are my funds for this...oh right, some wench in TheHole getting beat by her drug abusing boyfriend has all my money...sweet.

in other news i am taking a stab at this photography thing - again by popular demand...i'm taking a couple of classes on tuesday and wednesday for the month of june. i don't know what to expect of this, i am eager to learn, but i think i want more one on one training...i hate groups...i hate being told, "go out there and shoot" - i can do that anywhere, anytime, without paying...

so i have already taken the first two classes...what i have learned so far is that it's all about lying, i mean selling yourself...saying you shoot the best pictures in the world....so i started perusing the books that my instructors had of their portfolios....and i came to a realization, something they actually mentioned...i can do this..anyone can do this...

here's the thing..average people don't have the 'eye' of what's good and what's bad..they are just happy to see themselves in pictures on their wedding day or whatever...as i scanned through the pictures i was critiquing every one of them..good, overexposed, grainy, etc...but it made me start to think...if i were to shoot people's stuff, only i would be the disappointed one with my work..

and what's with my friends not knowing that i am a photographer...there was one time a friend on facebook had a status update, "HELP, i need a cheap photographer asap" - of course many people responded with who to go to, who they know who does photography, and i naturally respond with, "i hate you" who got the job, little ol me...the girl loved her photos and used them in her brochure for her company..and asked me to do another photo shoot for her in july....granted i am happy to help my friends out while gaining a little experience, she - in my opinion - over paid me..apparently she had me charge $75 an hour..and she bought me breakfast..i made out like a bandit...

now, as a friend i wouldn't charge people that..but normal people...up the rates! i don't like to discuss money with friends..it's a favor, i don't like to accept money from friends, even though it is a business, it just makes me uncomfortable..i scratch your back, you scratch mine...i'm sure in the future i'll need your assistance with something...now people who are no longer my friends, see above, then i will take your stupid as to court for the four thousand you owe me...but, that's only because you ended the friendship...

so that's all i got for now, i'm heading into work...work work lame.










"..yeah, but i have to give you something more than $20, i woke you up earlier than normal -- i know, that's why i doubled it"

A Break

from you..
not from me...

it may be 2am, but i'm doing this...

i know, i know...i know what you're going to say..."way to keep up with the daily blogging" - well, if that is the case, then i'm happy you've been checking in on me...to be honest, i've got a lot on my plate, figuratively of course, right now all i have on my plate is some leftover pretzel from rock bottom i heated up in the microwave moments ago. but apart from food, there's plenty of crap i am dealing with - maybe my sickness was a pre-emptive nervous breakdown...gearing me up for what i'm facing with now.

my head is doing a spring cleaning of sorts and right now i feel as disorganized as fuck - and for those who know me, know that that ain't good. if my life had any direction whatsoever before, which it really did not, unless you count the standard not knowing what i'm doing thing, then this is a hundred times worse.

i have come to terms with i have nothing but options open, which is true, but the other truth is, after laying out my options and my desires, i find that i'm really just getting older...older...i want to do this, and i want to do that...if i could go back a few years, i could do it all...but i'm getting older, and older isn't better...i'm not a fine wine...and my knees are about to go

i've been re-reading some past blogs...the ones from *gasp* september of last year...my writing was pretty good...well, a couple posts are in my favorite category..because they are told like a story...i got that from reading - it makes me wanna read the waiter rant again..just to get my writing style back, though i'd get bitched at for making extremely long blog posts...

i'm going to keep this one short, just a filler for now..like i said, there's a lot on my mind, so there should be a lot more to come...stay tuned

"defrost? defrost! how many times am i gonna have to cook this thing...that's it, i don't care if it's finished or not, i'm eating this cold pretzel!"

I Really Don't Feel Like Doing This

ughhhhh..
or is it ugggggggh

in any event, here..i...gooo.....

well..surely things have happened, i've just been too lazy to write anything out..let's see, when was my last post...Friday? well that wasn't a real post, but whatever..i worked Saturday and Sunday..ohh, i got my schedule on Saturday for the upcoming week, the one we are currently in and i was three seconds short of ripping it off the wall and lighting in on fire...see...what happen was, i got scheduled for two breakfast shifts...i was taken off my saturday night rotation, taken off my sunday breakfast rotation, and i won't be working on friday night either....mind you, this weekend is valentine's day....HOW THE FUCK AM I NOT WORKING??!?

alright, in my many years in the industry, from freshman one to 6th year senior i have never, never had valentine's night off..and now..now this? oh man i was livid....i tried talking to my GM on monday but he was in a rush to leave...so we set up a time on tuesday to talk...and the talk went nowhere, as i pretty much expected it...he said it wasn't personal - yeah right - and tried to justify his actions...we both had our own agenda for that meeting and our own points...but i let him know that if i am not on the floor serving/cocktailing on saturday night, i'd pull a *insert team member's name that would only make sense if you worked there* and put a bullet in people's heads

so i got that going for me at least.....i officially quit my first gym today...it was sad, it was like a bad break-up..i mean, i knew everyone there, they were really nice, it was comfortable...but along came something younger with more to offer and i picked that...story of my life...

gary is in nashville this week, well he left monday night and will return on friday? either way it will be nice to have a little bit of peace and quiet...not getting 'hey...sooooooo' with knocks at my door at 11pm when i'm on the phone trying to talk to people....and the bathroom light nor the TV will be left on with nobody around...ahh yes...the tranquility of being alone....story of my life...

so i want to start looking for a second job..serving, desk job, something...i know i can go to any restaurant to serve and make money (i'm just that good) but at times i want a steady pay rate, some 8 to 4 job..but then i think about how much money i can make serving doing in the same time and i hate life....story of my life...

well...that's all i want to say for now...honestly, it wasn't that bad...story of my...ehh, you get the idea...










"Irony of the Day: Hitler could not bear to eat meat, because it meant the death of a living creature. He refused to have so much as a rabbit or a trout sacrificed to provide his food."

I Know it's Not Much

but i know you love me..
at least i got that..

soooo, what an awesome week

i really don't know what to say the highlight of my week was...could it be when my GM told me to 'check out the schedule' implying that he did me a favor by giving me more shifts because it was so busy this week and me realizing i was put on only for one extra night..a monday night at that... or could it be i had to pick up an SA shift so i could for the first time this year reach my sub-par money goal for the week..picking up an SA shit alone is retarded but given the fact it was needed, absolutely absurd...maybe it was the fact i was limited to half the cover counts on the busiest day we have ever had at the CG...or maybe it was when i couldn't work a shift this week without several refires or fuckups from the kitchen...the best of that statement is, i worked a breakfast shift today...how fucking hard is it?!

i talked with soapy today at work about reading my last post, about Mr B Hewey - i know..letting more people, management, know about the blog that really shouldn't - anyways..we discussed things briefly, she was in the middle of her inventory sheets and i didn't want to interrupt...she made a comment about the fraternization policies and she didn't want to get involved if it as something that was necessary..she also asked if i badmouthed the company to which i let her know that all names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, aka, me..

ohhh, how i hate these sunday mornings...i hate working breakfast in general...i never get any sleep...and then when i get home at 4 i am so tired i pass out..miss all my text messages, because people only text or call when i am sleeping, and now my day is ruined because A) everything closes early on sunday, ie 6pm, which is about the time i am waking up and 2) i will now not be able to fall asleep at a decent hour tonight...cooool

i really don't have much to say right now...i can't think clearly..i'm just haunted by the past....i had a running analogy earlier, but it slipped my mind...but here's a partial, quasi update to keep things going...i work tomorrow, so i'll do my best to get a post in..then it's wednesday through friday off...just me sitting around...waiting for my TV...waiting to watch these movies...drinking chocolate milk...wearing sandals when it's below freezing...cuz i'm dreaming of somewhere, anywhere, better than here

"i'm gonna Rick Roll your face off"