Goodbyes Are Hard to Come, Bye

Where're you goin' so quickly?
you seemed to have left some things behind
I guess nothin' that important, really
you just forgot to say-y goodbye

i understand you gotta go now, baby
plans - you've got yours, and me mine
but as you leave, you've gotta be able, to see
that i'm standing on the side waiting on goodbye

i do this for love, not to impose
so if we meet again, that'd be fine
but at this time i know we musta close
just give me that goodbye

before you go and do what you gotta do
there's one thing i must ask of you
please don't run away and hide
just take a second to say a goodbye

you don't have to write
you don't even have to call
but don't leave me here
with nothing at all

i don't care if this means the end, i won't dwell
all i'm askin' for is give me that farewell.










"oh, but don't forget to close the door when you leave. And like my heart toss aside that extra key. cuz i'm stopping that used convenience in me"

all i can say

is

there once was a girl

who loved me

but she don't anymore

stijl

i miss her

so much

and she'll never know

I watched a video she made for me but three months ago

i'll never know what happened

I'll never understand

and I'll never let go of it either

i keep thinking this is some horrible dream

and i'll wake up

and things will be alright

we'd just be further down the road

someone's phone kept having your text noise go off

it made me anxious

it made me mad

but mostly it left me miserable

sometimes i just want to call you and tell you i love you

but i can't

and so i won't

and i'll never be able to

nevertheless

here it is

i love you

Killer in You

She's got her halo and wings
Hidden under his eyes
But she's an angel for show
She just can't stop telling lies
But it's too late for his love
Already caught in a trap
His angel's kiss was a joke
And she is not coming back

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now

Yeah she's got a criminal mind
He's got a reason to pray
His life is under the gun
He's got to hold every day

Now he just wants to wake up
Yeah, just to prove it's a dream
Cause she's an angel for show
But that remains to be seen

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now

Stupid on the streets of London
James Dean in the rain
Without her it's not the same
The same, the same, but it's alright

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Again and again

April

30

days

What are you waiting for

Here I lay, wasting on the final day of the month, a month that is supposed to be celebratory in nature. A month that opens with tricks and lies in the name of a gowk; then ends in an opposing fashion, as if by chance some form of Gregorian redemption. Truth is I found a month to beat any reigning champion Mr. November.

In a month that carried over a certain inamorata ambiguity, turned a snow white ball of zeal and tossed it from Mt Olympus. Never before have I endured such a twisting, spinning sensation.

Even before my arrival day I was given the role as the spouse Joseph. This immaculate news was bugging to the conscious as for the next five days I'd spend pouring my heart out to anyone on tap; all the while trying to reconnect to an intercepted call to Katz.

Though after those five excruciating days, any whispers of Jack and the Beanstalk were graciously sanctified, but only at the juvenile disclosure of felonious finger pointing.

To go into great depths in the matter at hand is far too premature, despite my truthful salaciousness.

The next crippling blow would fall just a fortnight later. A maple floor with two bruisers would throw a wrench on my fast break to the ending of the game.

Leading to my chanty febrility condition, and in attempt to prevent a decubitus ulcer I rode a Pony til the fervor reached her too, as an unbeknownst bleeding dried her up - and the hot water I found myself in resonated all too at home.

The conclusion of a cursed month does not come with any cerebral celebration, nay, as the exodus moves right into the remembrance of my dearly departed; The Jangus' best friend.

Not certain how much more I can Put-on, as I am running low on these Caps.

"pains"

Sundays

Reiny Daze

bring hopeless haze

Come in with the Rain

Oft I'm asked what is it I do with my time off, my down time, when I'm not..doing whatever it is I do - those moments I'm not loving, I'm not fighting, I'm barely breathing. Though I don't have a clear answer, I can somewhat provide an umbrella on this cumulous question.

It doesn't rain much here in California, but Lord it pours back home; and in an effort to bring a little bit of happiness in my world here I lit upon a nifty website that allows me to do just that. I load this site up, lower my volume down (to three or five), and I'm left to enjoy my night right.

And on those occasions I want to curl up with a Good Book I like the addition of some gentle music in the background - I found light Jazz works the best - especially if you have some classic novel in the Palms of you Hands. Just put that on repeat, or have Pandora work the magic for you (though I'm not a fan of the advertisements for times and adventures I no longer wish to partake in).

And sometimes I write (sometimes).

"..Once In A While"

Gone Designer

Stand Out..

Subtly.

A new addition to The Jangus Collection...

Everyone now-a-days has their own clothing line out, from failed actresses to singers..it's a little ridiculous, but I guess it's another way to make a buck..manipulating their fame and money to attempt a 'childhood dream' that they didn't pursue...or some crap
...over-saturating the market with more labels..

Anyway..this is my take on that christian louboutin character and the red plastered soles he has as his signature..as I am not a fan of red, and like the more subtly classyness of the blue, of course I applied a little blue paint to the soles of my men's dress shoes.

Shown in the picture is my experiment run, but after that was a success, I quickly painted the other shoes in my collection that instant.

Fun little way to start off the New Year I suppose..Fresh New Look







"I just add Blue to everything..that's my shtick"

I

fucking
miss

you.

I was gonna write out everything...about how I missed you..about what you mean to me..about how you make me feel..about, everything..but instead..I got nothing..literally nothing...not you..not words..not a thing.

I realized this all again, tonight...even with a short phone call it stirred my heart, brought life to those feelings, and now I sit here in an emotional dust storm, alone.

Mon cœur s'ouvre à ta voix

No Peace

just that..
no peace...

Who doesn't love a martyr....but it's kinda killing me....





"We are so vain, we even care for the opinions of those we do not care for." -Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

The Lie

She lied. It was directed at me but it was really to herself...she said she never wanted to be with me...she was just trying to upset me so that I'd hate her, because, as she said before, it'd be easier that way. She told me to have a nice life. It was said in such a demeaning manner though the tone was gentle; the words themselves is what fired through my ears like a bullet leaving me brain dead and non-responsive at that moment.

But she really didn't mean it.

I Remember

I remember your freckles - perfectly dotted in various little places across your body. I remember the scent of your hair when you'd let it roll over your shoulders. I remember the feel of your fingertips - how it gave me chills down my spine every time we touched. I remember how your lips arched into a smile - or the way you'd always scrunch your nose when you wanted to make a face at me. Or how you'd stick out your tongue for pictures.

I remember the way you told me you loved me - how the words would slip off your tongue so smoothly. But maybe that was only because you had said it so many times. Not only to me, but to others. I don't know what made me realize that maybe it wasn't all a lie.

But I still remember those things we had. Every thing.

Not Worth My Time

sometimes i gets stuck on a verse
but what you should know is that I don't rehearse
you get is what you see and what you see is what you get
and what we got is just a whole bunch of shit.

and now i only write this shit one time
just spew my thoughts upon the lines
so if it doesn't rhyme, i doesn't cry
so back the fuck off cuz i think it's fine

now many of you say i should just-go-back
and reread it so it's all-on-track
but what you all forget it's a stream of thoughts
and this type of writing it just can't be taught

i'm sure i could go back and edit-some-things
but it would lose all credible-meaning
and sure you can say these are all basic rhymes
but so you know i didn't stop typing not one time

and this only took a minute or two
but it was something that i had to do
but i'm just not through, not with you
and i'll continue cuz it's what i gotta do

so quit sitting there thinking that i-am-bad
cuz that type of shit it makes me-real-sad
you don't value what you got you miss what you had
and ignoring your feelings is what gets me so mad

what's the problem you got too much pride,
fuck, you need to push that shit aside-and
pick up the phone-and
drop a line, cuz you know this is only killing the both of us
and i may say this all too much
but you know it's true and you know what to do

..i don't think that's gonna happen soon





"i hate when i start rhyming shit all the time..."

Here,

just
read

I just don't know what to say..what do you want me to say..what do you want me to do..what???

I sit here in a state of confusion once again..it's that's uncomfortably all too familiar feeling. As soon as i think progress is made, somehow i find myself off the grid. It's like my GPS turns off when I'm back on track, leaving me on the corner of "what the fuck" and "don't look back"

I feel like crying out like Stitch, "I'm lost" - trying to find something at any cost.. Fuck, maybe I am Stitch..just some odd outcast that causes problems that people want gone..I'm just hoping to find something to call my home, is that so wrong is that so wrong..

I'm tired of turning over all these rocks..and time just keeps ticking away on those clocks..i bet you didn't know but i'm singing this to a kayne tune, dontcha worry dontcha worry you'll catch on soon..

if you don't know by now fool, i'm talking about..









"i need a sandwich.."

I'm Giving It Nothing

I couldn't eat my dinner, so I finished my drink instead. The bland meal matching that of the conversations at the end of the night. I starred into my glass as I swirled the melting ice around - it reminded me of you and how you used to chew on your ice. In fact, you were on my mind the entire evening, I just didn't want to acknowledge it at first. But I grew weary fighting it off and let my guard down. How I wished you would just do the same.

As I walked to my car I thought about calling you, but came up with an excuse not to. Of course once I got home that excuse was no longer valid. I sat on my couch, holding my phone, starring off once again. Your contact information was right there in front of me, yet you couldn't have been further from actually being with me. I wanted to call so badly, but even if I got through what would I say..that I missed you, this is Hell...I'd just be repeating myself and telling you things you already knew.

The odds were against me. You probably made sure I couldn't make these midnight confessions to you and blocked my number again. I don't blame you for that, wait maybe I do, maybe that's what I want to tell you; how foolish it is to try and go against the forces of nature. I toss aside the phone and go to my computer, figuring an email would have a better chance of getting to you. I hit "Compose" in an ironically fashion as the last thing I ever am when thinking like this is "composed." I add in your name and that's as far as I can get. Time passes and I continue to sit and stare at the screen - at an undeveloped message just like us.

Voicemail

All I ever wanted or needed was a little understanding from you. That I was going through tough times in my life and that I needed you now the most. I tried to explain the severity that November was to me. Apparently I didn't suggest strongly enough. You told me I was being stupid - that everything would be fine. You pushed me away as I tried to step into your life and explain myself. You told me on my drive out that you couldn't do it anymore.

I remember that drive home. I turned around. I tried to call you. God, why was I being so stupid? I knew you couldn't offer me any more. You were fed up. We were finished. As the line was repeatedly ringing, it was abruptly interrupted and went to your voicemail. "Leave a message," is what I heard. It had been a while since I had heard that. I knew you weren't picking up on purpose.

I wanted the words to spill. For you to be able to take me for who I was. To openly accept the feelings you had. Then it beeped, I knew I had to say the words now or I would never have another chance to do so again. But they were stuck in my throat. I couldn't say anything at all. Fuck. For a guy who always has something to say I was failing at this moment. The people passing me probably wanted to curse me out as they thought I was some kind of fool who had nothing better to do with my life.

I placed the phone back in the center console and I drove back home - contemplating if I should even try again...ever try again...I couldn't fathom the last time hearing your voice to just be a recording.

I'm not here to make friends
I'm not here to establish connections
even though it's all about who you know
i don't care

but i'm not here for me either
i'm not greedy
i just want to live my life