Insync

not the band, 

something a lot better

synchronization

I remember a time, not too long ago as  I can still remember it very well, when two young people moved with each other in unison.  Despite being on opposite coasts, a three hour time difference, and opposite schedules; they were still one.

It wasn't the first time I noticed it with this person, but for whatever reason, August clearly showed on a day-to-day basis our togetherness.  Though many miles apart we would always be thinking of each other at the same time; and no that's not just some whimsical 'in love' comment, what happened in August (and noticed from then on) painted a different picture for what we really were.

The most significant evidence was displayed late in the night/early morning, after both of us had said our goodnights and fallen asleep.  Something, in those hours would wake one, then the other...and since we were awake we couldn't help but think of one another, and so a text would be sent; just as the other was thinking of/composing their own to send.  This happened more oft than not, a majority of the days in the week.  And it wasn't the same time every night.  And it wasn't the same person to send the message first. No.  It was always different, always changing, except the fact that they were one; they were connected in some way.

That time in my life will always stick out to me for the sheer fact coincidence can be ruled out.  And even though that was years ago, and both parties have drifted apart, nothing has been able to break that connection to this day...

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "oh come on, you can't be serious...." and you're entitled to that opinion..and you know how I love my conspiracy theories and over-analyze things and just dig and dig, but hear me out...

As I mention, those parties have drifted apart it's been too long since real contact was made - an actual conversation - but something of course has sparked my attention.  Even though we haven't stayed in touch, or are connected through any sort of social media forums, every now-and-then she crosses my mind.  (I think it to be perfectly natural as someone that was apart of your life for any significant time would as well)   It may happen in the middle of the day, it may come up in conversation, it may be because she co-starred in a dream...whatever the case may be, she has been manifested.

I continue about my day, thinking nothing is out of the ordinary, until...one of the various scenarios happens.  Maybe I'll get an email about my blog, and it has the hit reports...and then that's when I'll see (what I strongly believe to be) she has visited my blog on that day, or so, from when I was thinking about her.  Or maybe for whatever reason I'll sign off the computer and log into my phone...I'll see a snapchat sent the day I was thinking about her.  Or maybe, if I'm really into self-deprivation, I'll take a look at some random social media she has and notice a picture change on the day I was thinking about her.

I mean, I'll be honest and say, I'm not constantly creeping on or checking these things out.  These are not daily occurrences.  These happen every once in awhile, and at first, I took little notice..maybe chalked it up to happenstance, like calling heads on a coin-flip and getting it right.  But as these instances happened more and more, what I would have called serendipity, now would have that level bumped up.

You may still call it whatever you will, but I know where I stand.  And let me testify that this is not some sort of love 'death rattle', a post where I bleed my heart onto the screen, pining for a love that is no longer...in hopes of getting back together with the undertones of 'we were meant to be'. No.  While I state and stand by being connected with someone special, this is not a pity cry.  I do think we still have a connection, yes.  I do think about her, yes.  I do miss her, yes.  Those are just facts, to me.

I just wanted to share this with you.  Facts or coincidence, either way I'm alright ma.

"when coincidence is common place, it is no longer coincidence..."

Nothing

even

matters

 to you

I'm probably one of the coldest, heartless, meanest assholes you'll ever meet; but then again, I'm not.  Sure I'm an ass 90% of the time (and I'm serious 5% of the time) but there's still that other 10% that makes me up that surely does feel like 90%,  most of the time.

As easily as I can toss people aside from my life, tell them to "fuck off and die", tell them goodbye forever, I just as easily can't forget most.  In fact, to anyone I've ever said those previous words to, odds are, I still remember and think about them...for they have made their impact on me, in some shape or form.

And yet to others, I feel as if they really do mean it when they say their goodbyes.  That the idea of me was just a lightswitch, and once it gets flicked to 'off' it, like the memories of me, vanish into nothingness.

I guess I don't know why I still hold onto memories, why I still care - maybe there is some underlying reason, maybe I never wanted to stop, but does that make me weak for caring, for not being able to want to forget?

Dante had his Beatrice, who says I can't too...

Through this thick facade I put up, this Great Wall of Repression, holds back a lot of feelings and emotions.  I was talking about needing to watch a sappy movie in order to get myself to cry so I could flush my eye out with whatever flew into it, and a friend replied, "The Jangus cries?"

Its true, more for some, most from....

I just will never understand, and here i write and erase a thousand times over, almost begrudgingly wanting to leave those five words...how can people do this to other people...there was no bad blood, no bad break, no resentment, no ill-will, it was understood...so why do we have to act like strangers now?  You can't tell me its for the better, you may lie to yourself, but don't lie to me..

I've already written this post, and I feel like I'll just repeat myself...

I guess I have nothing more to say

"J-Hey 

N-Who is this?"

There's Two Type of People...

Those who pee in the shower..

..and liars

Seriously, let someone tell you otherwise...

Don't worry, this post is about the title, not anything subbed.    I've been noticing a lot of "there's two types of people" posts in relation to comments on the internet and it got me thinking in conjunction with current events.

There really are two types of people that you'll call when you are drunk; people you want to hook up with, and exes - then again, I just repeated myself.  

I'm having a serious lapse in memory, but I cannot recall a drunk dial to someone I either did not have relations with, or wanted to have relations with...maybe a prank dial, but even then, I'd have to really consult with some people asI don't think it ever happened.

Which makes me think about those who have ever drunk dialed me.  Of course once the tables are turned its hard for me to imagine the rules still applying the same.  Am I an ex, or could I be their desire?  Of course this questioning comes because I cannot remove my brain and think like a woman.

But maybe it is the same, let's just play with that notion for a moment.  So when I receive a drunk dial from a girl, with whom I've never dated, we will have to side on me being her (or one of her) desires...as drunken words are sober thoughts, I think the same would apply to phone calls here.  And when the conversation goes into the dialer questioning as to why they called, is it a sense of realization, that they are displaying - more profound only to themselves?  Could it be a sense of guilt, or regret, when those words are spoken, as now the truth has sloppily poked it's head from hiding for all to view.

So, do we just continue on as if nothing ever happened, or as if everything I just presented isn't true...that it doesn't mean anything, and once again (no matter how many people agree with me) I'm over analyzing things...

I guess all the facts in the world can't change anything - you're not going to change anyone's minds...guess there really two kinds of people in this world..

those who ignore the facts, and those who can't

"Everybody knows you love me baby, everybody knows you you really do"

My Book

one of many..

..that has been writing itself

If I wrote a book about the woman in my life it would go something like this:

*coughcough*

Women of My Life, by Jason Angus

Chapter One

Bitches.

The End.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up..of course there would have to be a footnote, or preface that said this doesn't apply to so and so, or whomever..butt hurt people....

Regardless, it's the one thing that gets me to write I guess....

"bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks..."

Playing the Game

played..

by a player..

don't get mad at the player...

be mad at the game they say...always having their out, always going back to that as if it's some sort of justification for their lifestyle, their actions, their livelihoods.  But where does it end, for anyone..not just them, but those who 'love' them..all spiraling down, sucked into a nether region of shit....

Getting into the head of a player playing the game is an interesting concept..to see things through a woman's eyes is something I don't do well with...women are too unstable of creatures to even begin what a normal "woman" would do..then you want me to try and figure out what somer psychotic chick would do, or the reasoning for is?

I've been told before I should try and blog form a woman's perspective..I'd never be able to..woman are so fickle, so stupid, so..all-over the place..I could never get inside a woman's head..I never could..that's why all my past relationships have failed...because woman have a few extra chromosomes and I couldn't handle that.

I know I like to over analyze things, but..woman, they take the cake..and cake is a lie, so what am I left to do?

I wish I could write into some Kanye song, but as much of an asshole I am in real life, I still am no where near the level that nigga has on insightful art. What do you know?

I'm just drunk right now but this Kid is making me want to try and free my mind at night...




"you gotta get.dat. dirt off shoulder.."

Stupid Statements

the what

and the fuck

"I have a boyfriend", she interrupts with. 

"I have a bicycle" I quickly retort with, thinking we were naming off things that really didn't matter at the moment.   She looks at me in shock at my response, shocked at my total disregard of her situation, shocked I didn't crumble to her pity.  Her initial disgust is qualmed by her realization through my words, and she giggles.  We pick up right where we left off, with more intensity now that we had let the animals out.

What self-justification is warranted with the stating of such inane quantifiers? In other words, why do people say such stupid things.  Nine times out of ten, the other person is aware of your situation, so restating known facts is like telling me your name again. (which, usually isn't such a bad thing come to think of it..I tend to hear a name, then associate it with something/someone else, so within those four seconds of you saying your name and me repeating it, I already have a new name for you…) 

All in all, it's a redirection of guilt being pushed from one party to the other.  The real person at fault cannot take full responsibility for the situation and tries to pawn off the blame outward.  A lot of times the trick works.  With both feeling like accomplices, the ruffled scene takes a curtain call.  Sometimes, in more dramatic fashion, the main perpetrator seeks a reassurance of character, using shame as bait on the reverse-psychological lure.

**uncompleted**

I See You, Baby

shaking that ass...

shaking that ass, shaking that

Alright, now don't touch me...

It's amusing, really, how synched up we are.  I tend to distance myself from certain things, but, naturally, like moth to a flame, or, in this case a sailor to a Siren  I find my way back to you.

I haven't been blogging as much as I should, or would like, or should really; but it's a marvelous thing.  We both know how fickle my time with this blog is, and it's just a matter of time before I catch my second wind and start pounding on these keys to make something appear.  I want that to happen, and apparently, so do you.

I don't want to scare you away..it's ok, really.  I'm flattered...it's nice to know you're still keeping tabs on me.  Maybe it's to see if I've posted an "incriminating evidence" or gather things for the case file against me or whatever; but I'd like to think positively, I'd like to think it's because you miss me...and you know deep down somewhere inside of you, you know the truth....that your claims are all false...a mistake...some horrible nightmare created, but definitely not holding any bit of truth.

And to anyone else reading this and wondering or questioning...sure, this is a long shot as I'm sure there are plenty of those a that certain university...and maybe a select few that would know of this blog..but I'm fairly certain I can narrow it down to one person.

So, if my destructive reasoning is correct, let me put this out there.  Could you please contact me.  It's almost been a year now since...whatever...we saw each other...obviously you're looking, and you know that I can see that, so nothing has stopped you from doing so...soooo, just contact me, talk to me.  As messed up as the situation is, I still, for whatever reason, care about you and your well being.  Maybe you're too afraid to contact me over the phone, whatever..I can see you reading, and we both know what that means.  I'm trying to reach out to you...i'm trying to get an understanding for all this.

Basically, I am in a Mrs Haversham state of confusion left on a high from the time we spent together, believing that everything would turn around for the better..and then being jolted out of the fairytale to this "real world" that was actually a nightmare.

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.

"As the Rolling Stones would say, just Call me"

Double, Double

Dribble,

Vision,

Standards...

People are not what the seem to be.  At least that what it seems to me.  Lately I've been finding myself at the end of many mouth canons, receiving oral ammunition fired at me.  I've done my best to dodge those bullets, but given the onslaught of muzzle fire, my quick wittedness could only last so long.  And as I lay there dying to believe what's been interjected as a possibility of reality, that my gig was up, and time wasn't on my side...I start deliberating up some sort of change or acceptance.  Then, when they think I've lost sight, I eye their mistake.

There's several ways in which you can classify people:  There's those who play devil's advocate and call out everyone on everything.  I'm amoung those in that select category.   There's those who just take it.  And then there's those who only call people out when actually they are to blame.  This is a fun category.  These people try to play the system to make it seem like they have good intentions, like they are asking the questions to protect themselves, they are not at wrong...and if they are playing the second group it usually works out for them...but the truth is, it's their guilty conscience that manifests all the questions, all the accusations, all the anger.

It's because they know they are doing something wrong, something they wouldn't want done to them; and if they have the ability to do it to someone, what's stopping that someone from doing it right back without their knowledge.  These people are scum.  Not only are they the ones out there actually performing the nefarious acts,  they have the audacity to inculpate the ones who have done no wrong, the ones who have stood there, by their side...

I fucking hate people is what it comes down to.  People are idiots, and all they want to do is turn the tables on you.  Their situation is never called into question, yet every one of yours is.  And even given the chance to try and bring matters of theirs forward, it's turned around and blamed on you, naturally.

I could sit here and preach about how this person did this or that person did what...but I don't have the patience for that..it's saturday, and I want to do things, even if that includes nothing.  Maybe Season Five of Californication was right...maybe sometimes you just have to sit back and not say anything..not counter..not fight...sometimes you just have to take the call

And so this time, the penalty is on me.

"Trying to bite my tongue, but that's more pain than its worth, so I'll just say 'fuck you' and be done"

Here We Are Again

all alone..

going down the only road I've ever known..

I'm just wasting all this time

I've stared at this screen for over an hour, maybe longer as it seems to have preoccupied my entire night.  The new post page opened, blank, buried in a tab behind one of the millions of others opened that I scan through over and over, hesitating to return.  I'm left with as much ambition to write as I have answers for the questions that perplex me; why?

It seems as though every time my vehicular life starts picking up momentum, shifting out of those sluggish gears and cruising along, leaving behind a devastated fate behind in the dust..all of a sudden circumstance randomly jerks the wheel, and I am left to be flung from my seat, hurling out of control through the air, no control or understanding as it's happening all too quickly..only to hit the blockage in the road I was once travelling happily down...meeting the pavement one more time.

She once said I had horrible luck, yet she never did anything to help it out.

I'm not sure where what went wrong.  what i did. or what i didn't do.  why everything had to change.  especially when things were so good; to me at least.  She says I did nothing wrong, but that is all she could say, all she would say.  I just don't get how everything in my world could take a complete 180 in the blink of an eye.  For a better part of a month or so I was happy, I was living a good life, I had pretty much everything I've ever wanted.  It was good.  

Then, some occur lively events that don't even involve me, on the contrary, those events if anything would have solidified my existence in her life further...but it didn't work out like that....at all.   It's like your best friend wins tickets to a concert and for whatever reason doesn't invite you.  It just doesn't make any sense to me.

And it never will I suppose...I sit at night and try not to rack my brain over such things, but sometimes it's just impossible.  And to think it was just so easy for you to toss me aside, once again, with no justification, no explanation, no real sense of closure hurts even more.

I wish I could elaborate into more, but there's no sense to it...there's only one person that could make things right, and she's not listening.

"you can't just chop up a former relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like some sort of fast-food menu..."

This Fucking Cunt

oh this little cunt,

i wouldn't worry about this little cunt

a story about other bitches being crazy

Not sure where to begin as my mood has changed drastically since finding the recent onslaught of insults posted not too long ago. But i'm going to write this, since I know you read this, though you'll probably take a slight hiatus since i called you out on doing such a thing..but here we go.

Actually, I'm still not sure where to begin...you only check my blog to "make sure I'm not being creepy, yet obviously I am"...this statement alone befuddles me, because, now I may not be 100% accurate, but I'd be willing to guess I've never talked about you on here - and just to cover my tracks, if I ever did, it was a long time ago,well before anytime recent..again, if you were ever mentioned. Don't flatter yourself, even as much of a bitch you were, you obviously weren't worth my two minutes of typing.

And delving further with the don't flatter yourself theme...i also didn't talk about you, or talk to people about you, or try to..whatever it is you think. Get off yourself, you're not that fucking special. I think I mentioned something about you one time, this current year, but that's because your name was already brought up..wooooooooooo.

You act like we never talked, or weren't talking for a period of time, or that you asked me to send you a christmas present last year..

Yeah, did I confuse readers now..ok, break for a second. I'll make this brief, so this fucking cunt and I used to talk not too long ago, yadda yadda, then the calendar anews, and like the previous year, she's gone too. Naturally I'm confused, it's as if she got what she wanted, and then ran. I didn't put too much stock into the situation, clearly I had more important things going on..and though we had no personal interaction, I noticed this person still reading my blog...finding that odd I eventually brought it up one day in conversation when somebody else is talking about her..just trying to get a sense of understanding...still coming up empty handed. After that I just let it go, not thinking much of it, not really caring because it was just random and I ignored it. Then I make one comment on twitter and the whole world comes crashing down - i saw lyrics, i replied with the next lyrics..apparently that was cra-zay (said in highpitched voice) and here we are...

So you can take your childish ways, bitch-ass accusations, this ego-centric everything is about you mentality, and get the fuck out of here...leave me alone. Once I saw you were flipping cup and bat-shit crazy, I blocked you, removed you from everything I could..realizing you were just going to bring harm into my life..i don't need that. You're the monster here, not I.

This is the first and last post about you, there's the door, fuck off.

"she must spend a lot of time putting all that make-up on those two faces of hers..."

Five Hours Later

W

C

because you don't get it...

Well, I'm making this post a little late...it should have been posted last...err, this morning...but i went to bed shortly after everything, even though i wasn't tired..and in the morning..since when do i make morning posts?

So you get this now..i'll back track the time for the ninth...so Happy Birthday, this one is for you ;-) Did I just use a frickin emoticon in my blog, ugh..

Anyway...I wish I could say everything I wanted to...but obviously this catches your attention so I won't..last night, or this morning..or whenever we ended our conversation you wanted to know what was on my mind...For once in my life I did not want to make things awkward..for once in my life I fought hard on picking the right words to say, as to not say too much...which only caused me to sound unconfident in my words...

there was more..so much more...but that's neither here nor there...I want to say a lot..I want to tell you everything, but, I just can't. That ship has sailed, and I don't know how to swim back to you.

maybe one day..you'll know everything..maybe one day you'll see you like I see you..maybe you'll get it..but that's hope..and I never liked her

and now i have to be careful what i say in here..cuz i guess every now and then you read..and i don't want to ruin what we have.

if i can't have you as a lover, i'll take you as my friend..and if i can't have that....well

"ethereal"

Here

here...

you want this

here's your honest blog...

i even refrained long enough to do it in typcial jangus fashion...now excuse me while i vent.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

this is fucking bullsiht. so much stupud shit...fuck...fuck you...are you serious?! this is what I am left for...i cannot make words....yes i'm all hapopy for you, but really?@ this is stupid..i mash my fingers onthe keyboard to get a response..yeah. him?2 you're joking right?q mother eff....i sit there and see two sides of the sprctrum..but who the fuck am i..i mean honestly...this is what you come up with..you really are no better than anyone else in my fucking life....just toss you to the side with every other whore i've known..because some how you find someone better than me in that ugly tabernacle called your boyfriend..well, fuck all that..your face angers me bitch

i said it@!!!~

"did i fucking stutter?!"

Ours

the only thing that moves on

...is time

why then, oh why can't I?!

You won't find me there or anywhere the bluebirds are. No, this place is reserved for the kinds likable to that of myself. A table for one, where what's on the menu isn't as important to the name on the menu.

I'd like to be honest as possible in these stories, I'd love to be able to go off on tangents...but I'm just afraid that the viewing public expands more than those who will text me later tonight or tomorrow. Some are accident, and are of no concern to me, no, it's those who with malice aforethought seek me out.

To say this is all some sort of a conspiracy would only signal the red flags. Certain questions like how did my boss get wind of, as he lovingly titled this, "blue thirty-five monkey butt fuck" Sigh, it's Tuesday, but you'd never know that.

I heard Our song this weekend. In fact, I have never heard that song played on the radio, or anywhere for that matter, ever before..it lacks being in my playlist..but I heard it on more than one occasion, and in less than a 24 hour period.

The first time was in the evening last night. As, what I'd start to call a Saturday tradition of sorts, began, fueled by hunger and a desire to see, led us back again. I was riding shotgun not paying attention to much of anything, rambling about nothing with my driver - who can ever really recall these details anyways. The radio was on, but I don't ever remember it playing music up until that harrowing moment..you know how in the movies where a certain song suddenly comes on the radio, or gets louder, and it's only for that song or scene..this was one of those cinematragic moments.

The first beats of the song chimed loudly, louder than hollow conversation, filling the emptiness of the cars interior, tunneling into my ear canal quick with precision and onto my eardrum with percussion. I've never heard a song sting like this. My driver was unaware of the panic i was in, countered almost simultaneously with the tympanic punch with one of his own "look, here's your girl" he said jeeringly not realizing just how right he was with that double entrende. I sat in my paralysis not wanting to believe the song was ours..hoping it was a different song..a different singer...a different love.

I surfaced through my silence, only being able to come up with a 'no' which i repeated several more times. This caused confusion in my driver, who reaffirmed me that the singer was that of which we knew all along..and the song was ours..and so was our love.

My nightmare on this road didn't last much longer as we were, or I was rather, fortunate to be arriving at our destination. It was in those moments the car was being parked my mouth was set back in motion. Mumbles and rambles to myself, only safeguarded by the fact someone was with me, I wasn't sure I was talking to him or myself. Why was this the "first" time I've heard our song..never before you, never once after you, until tonight..tonight.

My luck didn't stop there, and it couldn't be stopped the next time. At our place of destination, upon entering the foyer we were met with smiling faces of remembrance that allowed me to recover. But it was later in the evening that song would play one more time. Once again those introduction notes deafening a large, noisy room- slicing through the crowd, finding its way to me, always. The horror continued, we thought we were safe, but monsters never die just once. There was no escaping from it this time.

It was then I decided to numb the awareness and alert my friend as to the impact or significance this moment was having unto me. Once he understood the startling truth a sympathetic stare was all he could render, and I can't expect much more from anyone else.

That was the second time, just twice hours apart, and it wouldn't be the last either. Not even half a day later, once again driving around in the car for a quick spin to the gym, we were confronted with that now infamous lead-in. And just like the first time, those wondrous inflections affected me all the same; still. Luckily by then my driver knew, and responded quickly, rotating the dial that controlled the output, landing on anything in the world other than that song. The break in beat snapped me out of my whirling coma and brought me back to reality before too much damage could be done.

Third time's a charm, they say...but I don't know what they are getting at, I mean, I'm still here.

"i love the riddles that you speak.. -yeah you do sometimes"

Things Aren't Yesterday

Love..

Or..

Really bad times...

It's late, but of course I'm awake - spent the better part of the day sleeping, yesterday as well. However, yesterday did comprise of the restaurant debacle, with ourselves being asked to leave...and that was the first time we got kicked out of a Hooters...

Since I slept the day away yet again, I'll be up for all hours tonight..and I don't fancy that idea whatsoever...especially not after what happened an hour ago.

Let me take you back to late last night: in an attempt to throw off any desire of calling or texting certain individuals that shall remain shoeless, I did what any person in a similar position would do, text other people. Well, the list of those who received a text wasn't long, in fact it comprised of just one individual - someone that I've been longing to talk to just as much as the other, last hearing from them at about the same time in fact.

I had put off contacting said individual for the past two weeks only due to the fact I hadn't heard back in over a month, despite my random trials of communication with her. And last night must have been that breaking point, consisting of an appropriate of length of time since my last feeble attempt and correct level of consumption.

Fast forward to this afternoon where, after scanning over my phone to see the damage I may have caused, found only one number texted, and still nothing in return. It was about the time I started cursing the situation when that little Lo replied back, "Well hello." "Well hello indeed" I replied with text characters that hid both my excitement and directness. Unfortunately those tones must have been sent as well as I got back "mhm" as a form of a response. I followed up with more than three letters of my own, asking if, should the time arise, we could have one of our infamous catch-up calls.

No response. I sit there and contemplate if the lack of response was meant to denote a "No" or an implied "Yes", either way I'm left at the same place to not comeback.

Later, much later in the day, after one of the many naps I was enchanted with, I began my nightly rituals..you know, to get ready for bed. Lo and behold would you believe that while I was finishing up my shower I heard the sweet melody of my phone ringing, ringing that god awful 'hate ringtone' especially reserved for ex-girlfriends. It was her, naturally.

I called back moments later, and just like that we were talking, picking up the pieces like time never broke apart...it feels good to talk to her, it feels good to talk to someone who (I think) actually cares, it feels good to hear her voice. I don't know if it's the actual sound of her voice, or whether the tone and pitch throws me back to a comfortable place found a year ago; but whatever the affairs, hearing just the initial greeting brings a smile to my face. And as she tells me all about what's going on in her life, though I'm fully listening and following her stories, there's another sense that's taking over.

We go back and forth, everything is good, until...She asks me what makes me happy - "What is happiness to you David?" - of course I stay silent long enough for her to fill in with various things she still remembers that made me happy back then. After she feels fulfilled filling her list, she asks me again. I say, to be quite honest, and not in some lame fashion, you make me happy. She lets out the subtle aww which she quickly replaces with an apology...I am suddenly confused and ask her for just what reason is she saying sorry for - it doesn't make sense to me how a true statement, one that could even be taken as a compliment, could be misconstrued at that moment.

She reveals to me she is sheepish because she's no longer my girlfriend...she mistook my statement to mean something more than I had intended. I counter with obviously noting she's not my girlfriend, but I meant it in a sense that her being made me happy..having someone in my life like her made me happy..that she brings a smile to my heart. I didn't mean it in a wooful manner. I wasn't re-confessing my love for her. I was simply stating I enjoy her in my life, maybe wishing it was more frequent than the once a month hour phone call I get.

But maybe she was right all along, maybe she knew my intent without my ever being aware...because from that moment on, my heart was marching in a different step, with my head trying to join in.

The phone call ended shortly after that, but my thoughts waged on. The thought of sleep slipping quickly away as my head finishes second place in the race. And the well-being I came into the possession of thanks to buzz, has been substituted with a lonely, loving silence.

All the same, I miss that girl. A lot.

"she still doesn't know..does she?"

To The Roommate of the Girl in Room Number 238

a kind request..

kinda..

Once you've passed the point of no return, there's no reason to hold back..

I don't know if you'll get this or if you're even going to read this or anything at all but nevertheless, I'll continue. Though I've never met you, you've somehow formed this hatred towards me. We may have talked on the phone for a few minutes, but that's been the extent of our communication...so I'm really at a dead-end as to why you hate me so much..maybe 'hate' is too strong of a word, maybe you use other words, but from my end that's definitely how it appears. I don't know what I've done to you personally to cause these problems, and I've wanted nothing more than to try and resolve them. I always asked Tink to let me talk to you, but she said you would never have it. So now I'm coming to you personally, in a way I guess.

Maybe you have some grand reason, maybe I'm just unaware of the crimes I've committed, but as of now, and always, I'm in the dark. I'm upset that you hate me so, but I'm also upset that you try to control your friend's life. Why you can't respect your friend's non-harmful decisions. Why do you see it fit to be dramatic and cause problems when there are none to between her and I. And don't sit there and act like none of what I am saying is true, Tink always had to leave the room or hang up the phone when she was talking to me because you didn't like it. What kind of friend does that?

Yes, a friend should be there for another friend..should encourage them to do right things..help them in their times of need..should be able to voice their opinion on matters, but also know when to back away. This is the part you failed. You could've hated me all you wanted, and I would have tried to work on that, but you interfered with Tink and I's relationship. Making threats and ultimatums is not cool. I've never seen or heard of anyone so bent out of shape about someone dating someone else, especially someone as irreproachable as myself.

I made Tink happy. I was good to her. I never did anything to harm, impair, compromise...yet you still have reservations. Whether you liked me or not, whether you thought I was horrible or not, that Tink shouldn't be with me or not...you should have said your peace, then, that's it. Let her find out on her own if she is supposed to be with me or not..because it's obvious that she does want to, but can't because of people like you dictating her life. She doesn't want to cause problems with people in her life, and neither do I.

I just have never seen anything like this before. A group of people so hell bent on destroying somebody else's happiness. You can make the claim that being with me caused her loads of stress, but that would bring me right back to you..for, without the ability to just live her life and be happy with me..with someone always interjecting, disrupting, it created that stress.

Enough, I've rambled enough. I wanted to contact you, to talk to you about things and I ended up letting my emotions get the best of me. I came out swinging and I'm sorry. Tink holds you and your opinion in high regards, and so that must mean something. I'm sure you're a great friend and I don't know what I did to cause us to get on the wrong foot..I've always wanted to remedy that. Whether you choose to believe it or not, but I love Tink…and I care about Tink greatly. I care about her and everything that makes her her. I would never change who she is, make her change who she is, negatively influence her, compromise her beliefs...I would have treated her like a princess, because that who she was to me.

Sorry for disturbing you with my message, I appreciate your time. I'd love to actually talk with you, but I don't see that happening. Regardless, enjoy your spring break.

Jangus

"...this should go over well..."

I Miss You

between a rock,
and a hard place…

what to do what to do oh what to do…

The other day I sat down in front of my computer and typed away…nothing special, and sadly nothing nobody will ever see..it's actually something I've been doing every day regardless. But it was the content of meaning in which I wrote that would only be the surreal foreshadowing that only my writing could do.

You see, I asked a question to..myself…*looksaround*..but it was more I asked it outward wanting an answer to, and for, myself. I would receive that answer just a day later. But, what's even stranger is, it was in those moments that I was asking the question that somebody was already typing the answer…the very answer I would receive the next day in a text.

How is this even possible - how is it that someone that is yearning for some sort of answer, whether good or bad, just something..how is it that while this person is taking the time to physically ask the question, the question that is burning in his mind, to bring it forth, making it something substantial…that very answer he longs for is being materialized at that very same instant half way across the world..

but that's right, in this situation, we only believe coincidence, right right…moving on

well not really.

Anyway..So now I am left with what to do..I got the answer I wanted, not just an answer, but the answer that's most favorable to my emotions, to me. Naturally I chased after it, but seeing how it was sent days earlier that person has had time to build walls back up, to fool herself into thinking it was all a mistake, and is beating herself up for letting her guard down, for giving in..and now, now she won't reply..

So what's next? My friend asked me what I would typically do in this situation..I said it varies..varies on the situation and the girl..maybe i'd chase, maybe i'd be annoyed, maybe i'd ignore, maybe i'd tell 'em to fuck off and die…it all depends…but one thing is for certain, I always go with the gut feeling..I go with how I am feeling to that situation…

And in this particular situation..I want to chase it..but then again, I want to respect the other person and give them the space they so said they desire..but the feelings are obviously there, it's there whether you try to bury deep down in places you don't talk about to friends..it's there and it's not going away…so do i wait for them to spike again, hoping to have better timing and catch it as it comes my way…or do I pursue, attack, go after with some sort of Hail Mary last ditch effort…

Right now I have nothing…so the ball is in your court…..





"People say that the bad memories cause the most pain, but it's actually the good ones that drive you insane"

And Another Thing…

sometimes I shouldn't blog when i'm in a mood
yet, sometimes that's the best time..

In the process of you trying to make me hate you, you just end up looking like a whore

I recently made a blog about the strange occurrences that happen to women after I date them..I guess I may have accidentally left a few out. So, in continuation fashion as best as I can do, let's move right into some other the other, lesser qualities you'll embrace.

This unbecoming unbridled sense of entitlement. It's been said before by several pasts that I have this obscure ability to get close to people. As one friend stated "I've never seen anyone connect with complete stranger like you do." I make people feel comfortable. I the process I attack their weak spots and make them stronger. Most of my pasts I've been able to make overcome certain fears, or do certain things they were too scared to do..basically, I come in and help make people better in a way. As someone once told me, "You turn shit into gold."

But it seems that as soon as I am no longer in the picture, those pasts try to continue on with the abilities I've given them. Now they are no longer self conscience about their bodies, or looks, or this, or that…they feel like their are top shit, when in reality, they are just amounting themselves back down to shit. Yes I was there to help, and yes that's ultimately what I want - but of course there are real world applications to make you look like a whore.

Sure while we are dating you'll send me a pic of yourself that's slightly risque, but after we are through, to see a much more racy picture you gladly boast on the internet is a little off-putting. It's one thing to be proud, but it's another to be smutty just for the attention you are now lacking…but of course you need anything you can to fill the void..

Speaking of filling the void…with all these walls I've broken down, me doing all the work, now you can just go out an be a whore for any Joe off the street..why not, you had your love you always wanted, now it's time to spread those..wings *cough* and fly away..

Funny how you will end the relationship saying, "it's not what you want" or "you don't have time for a relationship" or what ever other lame ass excuse you can really come up with, when, but a week later you're riding some other guy's dick, who, just so happens to be your new boyfriend.

wow.

funny timing wouldn't you say..convenient..or you're just chockablock full of lies…either way, you're still a bad person. Way to blow.

And along with this "empowerment" is this other facade women put up about being "happy". It usually goes something along the lines of "I haven't been this happy in a loooong time" or some crap. As if they are implying the removal of me from their life has been like a dark cloud pushed away by the shining sun…as if I am somehow this abomination of happiness.

Really?…because when we were together you claimed to be happy, probably the happiest or most loved you've ever been..and when times got rough for you, who did you turn to, to make you happy, to make you smile, who was constantly there for you. Who could, just by speaking, make your day brighter.

oh yeah, that's right..me.

This blasphemous rhetoric is pure diatribe against me in hopes of them shutting out something as wonderful as they had with me…because deep down they know the truth, they know they've made a mistake, because by propagating this propaganda to everyone around them, they too will believe this force-fed tripe of a lie, and continue marching blindly forward.

It's all cool though..I've seen it a million times before…it's just a horrible way to go out..especially when you end up proving that you're just as good as everyone else that came before you. I'm not angry, no, it happens.

Let's just hope it doesn't befall again.







"I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine."

Leap Year Post

special post..
special day..

well, not really the first statement...

This post really has no sustenance to it..it's just a post because it's a rare day..so yeah, here you go…

Today would be a good day to pick up girls from the bar - explanation…bitches women love to celebrate their birthdays, it's science..and any bartender will tell you how they can't get away a single weekend out of the year without some gaggle fuck of women "woo-ing", ordering girly shots, throwing glitter, wearing tiaras, etc because it's someone's birthday celebration..even if it's thanksgiving or Christmas..these girls come out to party..

Anyway, people are born every day of the year, shocking, but who has the rarest birthday of them all…the Leap Year Day Babies…and this group will go to any lengths to make February 29th a wild one, no matter what day of the week it lands on..even a Wednesday…

Sure they could celebrate it on the closest weekend, like anyone else would do, or like they have done for those three other years…but when something as 'special' as the 29th of February rolls around, you better believe they'll be out in full force.

And they'll have to drag their friends out..and their friends will have to come..even if it is a Wednesday like it is today…

didn't they make some crappy movie about Leap Year Day..and didn't they play it on a non-leap year..wtf marketing people...

other than that, I don't have much else to say at this point..trying to do something..anything…

is it weird that every leap year we vote for a president?








"Leap Year Day is just one more day of suffering.."

Hole in Your Seoul

The girls I've dated..
where are they now…

the stats don't lie

I had an interesting text conversation last night..and if I were to go off into one of my angry rants like I typically would, it would be obvious to the person whom I was talking about..among other things..that so much isn't the bother as the fact I had been holing off on a blog that..not necessarily foreshadowed things, but maybe it would have done just that.

Anyway, let's just go with it…

In the past I know I've pointed out how my exes have certain tendencies. Maybe I've mentioned little things in conversation..maybe I've hinted to things in blogs, but I don't think I've ever directly come out and made my allegations/theories/whatever out with a documented timestamp for all to see..let's begin.

The one that I'll reference the most is the "Next Guy Postulate" - which basically states the correlation of the breakup with me and the next guy said ex-girlfriend starts dating will be the one she gets engaged/married too (engage is stated because on several occasions the engagement did not make it to the married state so for statistical purposes it is listed as such) ((I think what's even worse is the amount of those guys with the name Jason..but because that's too much of a mind fuck I'd just like to overlook any of those findings..)). That's right, I am the Good Luck Chuck if you will..or as my friend Citron would say..the Ricker(?) (I don't know, she claims there's this movie that has a similar plot as Good Luck Chuck only starring the awesome Paul Rudd…I have to see this for myself…) ANYWAY - I have a pretty staggering percentage of girls that go from me to engaged/married..let's just say it's over the half mark..sadly close to the three quarter mark in fact…if you're not apart of that group, lord only knows what you are doing wrong…

What's even more awesome than that, somewhere in the midst of those statistics there's a name listed twice….twice you say, is this some sort of typo to inflate your stats..sadly, no. In fact she was my first "engaged" stat; after me, she met a guy, and got engaged not too long after that…for whatever reason that relationship ended and years down the road we met up again…only to have her leave me, again, for some other guy, with whom she is now married to..and has a child with. awesome.

The second fun fact I'll bring up almost as frequently as much as the first fact is "Exes Get Ugly Syndrome" or EGUS if you're tracking…This syndrome isn't limited to just getting ugly, but encompasses a much larger issue…fat. Yes Exes Get Fat and Ugly Syndrome…EGF(a)US..Ohhh, of course if you were to ask them what they felt about this, they will ALL admit that they are not the ones that comprise of this stupid accusation…little do they realize.

Come on..you look like a chubby, scenester lesbian…or you could look down and ask where did those Kanckles come from..apparently it's hard maintaining your weight after me…

So if those aren't bad enough, the next one is a personally kicker..and maybe I don't talk about it all that much, maybe because it's insulting to me, but..the guys those ladies choose after me are..gah, what's the word I'm looking for…horrible..a disgrace..an insult to me! You know, if you're going to leave me, the least you could do is find someone better than me..shouldn't be too hard right?

But that's never the case..most are, wait no, ALL are not attractive by any means…not once have I saw one of my exes currents and was like, "well fuck, she did it right this time.." and I'm not the only one to see this. Others, females, have chimed in to say things like "really? Him?.." You ladies pick some of the ugliest and stupidest guys you can find after me..you compromise yourself to be with this next guy..I mean what the fuck…

You have these ugly guys, who you claim are tall yet are shorter than me, who confuse your/you're (among others), who's texts are illegible, who's Asian without an Asian last name, who's IQ you question because they can't keep up in simple conversation, who cheats on you, who goes to jail for dealing illegal drugs, who himself is fat, who becomes forceful/beats with you, who does things-like drugs-that you have been opposed to all your life..these are the types of guys you pick to be with over me

what the fuck is wrong with you?!

it's ok though..I don't stress because I refer back to statistic number two: you're an ugly mess too (or about to be one)

This was not my intended angry rant I spoke of earlier, however, this has been an angry rant by your one and only..or should i say "you're one and only" maybe then you'll like me..








"You should make the update that you're in a relationship with my middle finger..because FUCK YOU!"

AB-solutley Right

Seeee
I'm always right

so never question it

So yesterday I make my way over to one of the wee-fee hotspots in order to get online..As I'm doing the random things, checking email, forgetting what it is I'm supposed to be checking or googling, I read up on some news articles - ever since I got an office job, news websites have offered me entertaining ways to kill time…

Anyway, upon opening the first site right there on the front page, main article, "anorexia among young males?" The article went on to show pictures of these guys with frail bodies, skinny, except…they had a six pack or abs of some kind. Yup, the post I wrote not too long ago about how sickening this new fad was becoming turned out to actually be a legit thing..so any of those naysayers who thought I was just being a hater can now SMD.

They article elaborated on the new trend, of why it was happening, and so forth..what's sad is some of the quotes from these idiots "I think I look good" or "i love being able to show off my bod" …right, because skin and bones looks sooo good..but you got that six pack so kudos to you…

And to you girls who perpetuated this craze..you're all fat…there, that should settle the score…








"..but you'll question me anyways, because you're stupid"