Losing My Mind

after losing something else,

and someone else

but it's not a loss if you give it a way.

I made it home.  I was cold, and needed to return to my residence quickly, though I lost myself along the way.  The paved sidewalks cutting out and switching sides, the sand, construction...led me a good mile away.  I'm glad I was the first to return, not like there was a contest, but I'm glad Gary didn't return from work before me...in my haste to go out on a brisk walk, i inadvertently left the gate open.  Surely if Gary were to have come home, to both my cars in the drive, the house locked, but the gate flopping about, his concerns would have gone on high alert...at least that's someone.

funny how my course would direct me to the one place she found comfort in...a place, i wouldn't think of going on my own unless i had been asked or forced to go...rarely do i make the quest on my own...

i did my best not to just walk into the ocean.

i'm conversing with myself...aloud.

I'm going quite insane, and it's all in my brain.

pain changes people.

I want to call..I want to do something..but I can't..I just sit and stare at the idle messages...waiting for some sort of acknowledgement, let alone them to be seen.

I want to know she's ok...i know her...and that's what scares me.

it's 2008 all over again.  I was right then...lord let me be wrong now.

looking over the last messages...one nonsensical message...no periods...she's drunk

The Killer's Mr Brightside starts playing in my head.

active. messages not read.

it's midnight here, 2am there...the bars are just closing...i need some sign of life...something that will allow me to rest easy..something to put my mind at ease.  I've already lost my appetite for the steak I was to make hours ago..don't make me lost sleep now too

I wish I could drink...I wish I could just erase this with every swig from the bottle...like you are doing.

if this is how i was supposed to feel for the relationship, there's no way anybody would be able to live like this.

but I remember...she did.  she stayed up those sleepless nights, waiting on a call or text from me.  even when it wasn't said, it's what she wanted always...and it makes sense now. too much sense. and feeling like this, is not a feeling anybody should have to go through.  this is hell. i wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  i think my heart is racing, though i can't even feel it beat...i can't feel anything but a sinking feeling in my, well now, stomach.

she replies.  it's short, three words...no punctuation.  I quickly reply, trying to keep her on...the line?with me? there? but she goes back to idle...nothing....nothing....

and that's the last i hear from her.

until 330am...home.

I've made a huge mistake.

Me: I'm probably freaking out about nothing...

E: (without knowing the situation) when have you ever been wrong?

Me: fuuuuuuuuck

Cold Turkey

cold

hearted

cold like the wood floors of this house...

I want a drink right now...i haven't had a drink in over a month because of this new diet plan...but it's not lack of routine...it's not the addiction that makes it a necessity..it's because i need one right about now.

I laid in bed all day Saturday - correction...I laid in bed with minor breaks to use the bathroom or to make food.  My day consisted of not wanting to be awake, too tired to keep my eyes open, but the moment they closed too many thoughts running kept me awake.  It was torture.  At 10pm I made a steak..a steak, and just that.  At 11pm, I made a fire in the fireplace.  At midnight I made two s'mores. At 1am I went back to sleep.

Sunday wasn't any better, except i did leave the house...among other things.

My first post of the year..my first post in forever.  i wrote an email earlier today, and it stung of lack of focus.  I have had several updates i wanted to post this year already, but, like always, i put them off...because if you put things off, those feelings go away too.

and just like that this post is over.  I've got a lot of work to do...a lot of work.

"just keep helicoptering..."

Insync

not the band, 

something a lot better

synchronization

I remember a time, not too long ago as  I can still remember it very well, when two young people moved with each other in unison.  Despite being on opposite coasts, a three hour time difference, and opposite schedules; they were still one.

It wasn't the first time I noticed it with this person, but for whatever reason, August clearly showed on a day-to-day basis our togetherness.  Though many miles apart we would always be thinking of each other at the same time; and no that's not just some whimsical 'in love' comment, what happened in August (and noticed from then on) painted a different picture for what we really were.

The most significant evidence was displayed late in the night/early morning, after both of us had said our goodnights and fallen asleep.  Something, in those hours would wake one, then the other...and since we were awake we couldn't help but think of one another, and so a text would be sent; just as the other was thinking of/composing their own to send.  This happened more oft than not, a majority of the days in the week.  And it wasn't the same time every night.  And it wasn't the same person to send the message first. No.  It was always different, always changing, except the fact that they were one; they were connected in some way.

That time in my life will always stick out to me for the sheer fact coincidence can be ruled out.  And even though that was years ago, and both parties have drifted apart, nothing has been able to break that connection to this day...

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "oh come on, you can't be serious...." and you're entitled to that opinion..and you know how I love my conspiracy theories and over-analyze things and just dig and dig, but hear me out...

As I mention, those parties have drifted apart it's been too long since real contact was made - an actual conversation - but something of course has sparked my attention.  Even though we haven't stayed in touch, or are connected through any sort of social media forums, every now-and-then she crosses my mind.  (I think it to be perfectly natural as someone that was apart of your life for any significant time would as well)   It may happen in the middle of the day, it may come up in conversation, it may be because she co-starred in a dream...whatever the case may be, she has been manifested.

I continue about my day, thinking nothing is out of the ordinary, until...one of the various scenarios happens.  Maybe I'll get an email about my blog, and it has the hit reports...and then that's when I'll see (what I strongly believe to be) she has visited my blog on that day, or so, from when I was thinking about her.  Or maybe for whatever reason I'll sign off the computer and log into my phone...I'll see a snapchat sent the day I was thinking about her.  Or maybe, if I'm really into self-deprivation, I'll take a look at some random social media she has and notice a picture change on the day I was thinking about her.

I mean, I'll be honest and say, I'm not constantly creeping on or checking these things out.  These are not daily occurrences.  These happen every once in awhile, and at first, I took little notice..maybe chalked it up to happenstance, like calling heads on a coin-flip and getting it right.  But as these instances happened more and more, what I would have called serendipity, now would have that level bumped up.

You may still call it whatever you will, but I know where I stand.  And let me testify that this is not some sort of love 'death rattle', a post where I bleed my heart onto the screen, pining for a love that is no longer...in hopes of getting back together with the undertones of 'we were meant to be'. No.  While I state and stand by being connected with someone special, this is not a pity cry.  I do think we still have a connection, yes.  I do think about her, yes.  I do miss her, yes.  Those are just facts, to me.

I just wanted to share this with you.  Facts or coincidence, either way I'm alright ma.

"when coincidence is common place, it is no longer coincidence..."

Love Song

music..

poetry..

writing?

Often I get asked if I write poetry, to which of course I answer 'no'; and then I'm told I should.  I write here, as I always will..and whether it be short stories, rants, or "poems" I just consider it my blog...nothing more, just me writing.  I don't put labels on them as to what they are..and my internet actions and texts may be worthy of something noting, but these are different moments.

I wish I could combine all those elements and make a love song, but I feel as if everything that could be said has been said, and I'd just steal lines from other artists in my quest.

The Cataracs "Love Song" is, right now, my number one love song to go to. With lyrics like: 

"Then I wake up from my dream

Woah had you on my mind for a long time

Can't get you out of my head, giving me head

So whats a man to do, except confront his love and tell you what I plan to do

Yes I'm gonna win you over, I got the four leaf clover

My task is to smash like the game is red rover"

who could compete with that?

Maybe I need to get back in the game, however I feel as if there's an age (experience) limit on things in life, and falling in love (love in the raw) has passed.

"When I met you dawg you were not the kind to get involved with any joe blow trying to get in your drawers"

Feminists are WHOREBLE

This...

fucking...

cunt.

I hate a variety of things.  Some may say a lot of things, some may call me grumpy; whatever..I'm intelligent so a lot of shit pisses me off - ignorance is bliss.  I hate soccer, I hate vegans, but above all that, I hate feminists...

I'm sorry, let me get you to where I am...my blood is boiling over a review I just found and read on my Facebook feed.  It's from that extremely feminist website jezebel...which I had spent my entire life happy not knowing of its existence..so i read unknowing what I had got myself into.  Sure I saw the title "I Rewatched Love Actually and Am Here to Ruin It for All of You", and I thought they had something funny to say, or maybe they would pick at some minor flaws that I hoped to agree with (fucking Karl)...but no, this monstrosity of a review went over every plot, every character and just ripped it to feminist shreds.  

It is obvious the author has never been in love, knows what love is, and probably never was loved as a child, thus forming these anti-male feelings because she has daddy issues.  As much as it pained me, I read the entire, overly wordy/lengthy article, and only grew more and more hatred for this lady.

Who the fuck does she think she is?!  At first I had to double check the website as I thought it was a spoof site, like the Onion...but no, I was not being trolled, this was real life, these were someone's horrid views.  Mein Kampf was less disturbing of a read than this Feminist Centipede...

I love conspiracy theories, and pulling random shit of of books, movies, etc - I thank my highschool English teacher for allowing myself to get in touch with my inner troll...but this fucking article....this shit on my computer screen was by far the worst thing I've ever seen.

And it got me so riled up I started to say nonsensical that, I do not regret still.  I'll reiterate for you.  It's people who think like this that need to be eradicated from the Earth.  These, not even glorified to be called humans, are what kill a society; neglect it to grow, refuse it to evolve.  They are the ones that perpetuate this self-instilled hatred towards certain things.  These are psychopaths with appalling agendas that only do more harm than good.

These are the people we need to remove from society.  People that prolong this type of criticism are doing so to stay in business, to add fuel to the already burning fire...these ladles need to be removed.  My original comments were not so..nice, they were more along the lines of "it's bitches like this that need to die. I repeat, I do not regret saying these things...If the author was on fire and I had water, I'd skull fuck the remains and piss on the ashes....hell, I probably would have thrown gasoline on her as well...bitches like this are the worst thing in the world...she needs to die, people like her need to die.i would serve a life sentence for the things i would do to this bitch...and i'd be ok with it"

I still do not regret saying those things...and all the other things I rambled off while seeing red...it's only been minutes after all that commotion so it's a little hard to type when my fists are clenching so tightly.

Women like that deserve the title cunt...women like that deserve to die. I'm too angry to type now...I've worked myself into a tizzy...

The article, if you want to see what I'm talking about:

http://jezebel.com/i-rewatched-love-actually-and-am-here-to-ruin-it-for-al-1485136388

For Lack of a Better Title..

the

things

i do..but shouldn't

I was at work..bored..and left to myself...the internet would only let me go to so many websites, and I had read every news article about people beating one another up for discounted deals moments after stuffing their faces full of turkey.  I went through emails..don't know why or how I landed on hers, but I did...I started at the beginning and read every one of those words, stinging like burning coal to my heart...

I looked at the pictures, and read more.  I wish I could be hooked up to machines and have doctors monitor my heart, the beats, my brainwaves, as I read your words.  And it's just your words..I skimmed over others' before I got to yours - probably because I knew the weight of all that has been said, and all that was done...probably because, when it comes down to it, I actually loved you.

I can sit here and wonder if you still think about me, like i think about you, now...and as much as I wish you did, even once a blue moon, I know the dark side to that eclipse.  So i just re-read the words that once were true, the words I need to hear so dearly through.  And even though I know my fate, there's no denying my heart will break.  I want to stop before that point where things went wrong, and stay there standing all life long.  I keep reading the words that end this note, sometimes wishing it was all you ever wrote.

"If you take anything away from this email.. just know I think about you often and believe it or not, I miss you at times"

Too Many Titles

life imitating art..
or art imitating life

either way, i was right

Everything happens for a reason - whether you believe this statement or not, it's just an idea, and nothing more...it's a belief system made up to add value to our lives, to add significance in the daily mundane..it's something

it's something.









"wanna hear something ironic? I am stressing out because I can't find my worry doll"

Discard

Hey..I know we haven't seen each other or even talked in a real long time..but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that I miss you.  Not like a "I regret what happened" or even a "I want to see you again" sort of thing, just.."I miss you", then end.  

It's strange to think that someone I used to know so well is now a total stranger..that sometimes I go entire days without even thinking of you even a little…Most of the time I let myself forget, because it's easier…But then I find something..an old letter, or picture you drew, slipped into a book I haven't read in ages..and the full weight of what's been lost comes crashing down on me.  

But again, this isn't regret…we had reasons for ending it, and they're valid as ever…but back at the start, we didn't need reasons for anything.  It all just happened.  

We didn't have common interests, or similar goals…sometimes we didn't get along that well…But we didn't need a reason to fall in love.  We just did.  The reasons came at the end, and everything that's happened since has been all about reasons.  And that's good.  It means one day I might find someone I won't have to say goodbye to.  But a part of me misses just loving someone, and knowing they love me back, and that's all.  

I guess what I am saying is, I hope things are good with you.  I hope everything is great.  I hope you found a love that's all the things ours couldn't be.  And I hope I find that too.  But a small part of me, buried somewhere deep inside, hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons…and that you miss me, too.

"Do you want to save changes? *click* Don't save"

I'm in No Place

fuck

fuck

fuck

I've got a lot on my mind, so much in fact that I'm coming up short with dispensing it in my normal manner such as this. I have all these half thoughts that just bounce around one another - it's like trying to chase after a bug in flight. I need to remove this load from my shoulders, hence, me writing..I will do my best I suppose.

I feel I'm at some sort of crossroads...wait..an intersection...no, that's lame...I feel as if I just pulled into a small subdivision and after a short stint on that main road I have three options...left, right, straight...but as I sit there, seeing the gate close behind me in this 808 complex, I look down each of the roads and see nothing but dead-ends..of course nobody would ever call them that, they hide behind the language of love and say cul-de-sac .

Ours

the only thing that moves on

...is time

why then, oh why can't I?!

You won't find me there or anywhere the bluebirds are. No, this place is reserved for the kinds likable to that of myself. A table for one, where what's on the menu isn't as important to the name on the menu.

I'd like to be honest as possible in these stories, I'd love to be able to go off on tangents...but I'm just afraid that the viewing public expands more than those who will text me later tonight or tomorrow. Some are accident, and are of no concern to me, no, it's those who with malice aforethought seek me out.

To say this is all some sort of a conspiracy would only signal the red flags. Certain questions like how did my boss get wind of, as he lovingly titled this, "blue thirty-five monkey butt fuck" Sigh, it's Tuesday, but you'd never know that.

I heard Our song this weekend. In fact, I have never heard that song played on the radio, or anywhere for that matter, ever before..it lacks being in my playlist..but I heard it on more than one occasion, and in less than a 24 hour period.

The first time was in the evening last night. As, what I'd start to call a Saturday tradition of sorts, began, fueled by hunger and a desire to see, led us back again. I was riding shotgun not paying attention to much of anything, rambling about nothing with my driver - who can ever really recall these details anyways. The radio was on, but I don't ever remember it playing music up until that harrowing moment..you know how in the movies where a certain song suddenly comes on the radio, or gets louder, and it's only for that song or scene..this was one of those cinematragic moments.

The first beats of the song chimed loudly, louder than hollow conversation, filling the emptiness of the cars interior, tunneling into my ear canal quick with precision and onto my eardrum with percussion. I've never heard a song sting like this. My driver was unaware of the panic i was in, countered almost simultaneously with the tympanic punch with one of his own "look, here's your girl" he said jeeringly not realizing just how right he was with that double entrende. I sat in my paralysis not wanting to believe the song was ours..hoping it was a different song..a different singer...a different love.

I surfaced through my silence, only being able to come up with a 'no' which i repeated several more times. This caused confusion in my driver, who reaffirmed me that the singer was that of which we knew all along..and the song was ours..and so was our love.

My nightmare on this road didn't last much longer as we were, or I was rather, fortunate to be arriving at our destination. It was in those moments the car was being parked my mouth was set back in motion. Mumbles and rambles to myself, only safeguarded by the fact someone was with me, I wasn't sure I was talking to him or myself. Why was this the "first" time I've heard our song..never before you, never once after you, until tonight..tonight.

My luck didn't stop there, and it couldn't be stopped the next time. At our place of destination, upon entering the foyer we were met with smiling faces of remembrance that allowed me to recover. But it was later in the evening that song would play one more time. Once again those introduction notes deafening a large, noisy room- slicing through the crowd, finding its way to me, always. The horror continued, we thought we were safe, but monsters never die just once. There was no escaping from it this time.

It was then I decided to numb the awareness and alert my friend as to the impact or significance this moment was having unto me. Once he understood the startling truth a sympathetic stare was all he could render, and I can't expect much more from anyone else.

That was the second time, just twice hours apart, and it wouldn't be the last either. Not even half a day later, once again driving around in the car for a quick spin to the gym, we were confronted with that now infamous lead-in. And just like the first time, those wondrous inflections affected me all the same; still. Luckily by then my driver knew, and responded quickly, rotating the dial that controlled the output, landing on anything in the world other than that song. The break in beat snapped me out of my whirling coma and brought me back to reality before too much damage could be done.

Third time's a charm, they say...but I don't know what they are getting at, I mean, I'm still here.

"i love the riddles that you speak.. -yeah you do sometimes"

Things Aren't Yesterday

Love..

Or..

Really bad times...

It's late, but of course I'm awake - spent the better part of the day sleeping, yesterday as well. However, yesterday did comprise of the restaurant debacle, with ourselves being asked to leave...and that was the first time we got kicked out of a Hooters...

Since I slept the day away yet again, I'll be up for all hours tonight..and I don't fancy that idea whatsoever...especially not after what happened an hour ago.

Let me take you back to late last night: in an attempt to throw off any desire of calling or texting certain individuals that shall remain shoeless, I did what any person in a similar position would do, text other people. Well, the list of those who received a text wasn't long, in fact it comprised of just one individual - someone that I've been longing to talk to just as much as the other, last hearing from them at about the same time in fact.

I had put off contacting said individual for the past two weeks only due to the fact I hadn't heard back in over a month, despite my random trials of communication with her. And last night must have been that breaking point, consisting of an appropriate of length of time since my last feeble attempt and correct level of consumption.

Fast forward to this afternoon where, after scanning over my phone to see the damage I may have caused, found only one number texted, and still nothing in return. It was about the time I started cursing the situation when that little Lo replied back, "Well hello." "Well hello indeed" I replied with text characters that hid both my excitement and directness. Unfortunately those tones must have been sent as well as I got back "mhm" as a form of a response. I followed up with more than three letters of my own, asking if, should the time arise, we could have one of our infamous catch-up calls.

No response. I sit there and contemplate if the lack of response was meant to denote a "No" or an implied "Yes", either way I'm left at the same place to not comeback.

Later, much later in the day, after one of the many naps I was enchanted with, I began my nightly rituals..you know, to get ready for bed. Lo and behold would you believe that while I was finishing up my shower I heard the sweet melody of my phone ringing, ringing that god awful 'hate ringtone' especially reserved for ex-girlfriends. It was her, naturally.

I called back moments later, and just like that we were talking, picking up the pieces like time never broke apart...it feels good to talk to her, it feels good to talk to someone who (I think) actually cares, it feels good to hear her voice. I don't know if it's the actual sound of her voice, or whether the tone and pitch throws me back to a comfortable place found a year ago; but whatever the affairs, hearing just the initial greeting brings a smile to my face. And as she tells me all about what's going on in her life, though I'm fully listening and following her stories, there's another sense that's taking over.

We go back and forth, everything is good, until...She asks me what makes me happy - "What is happiness to you David?" - of course I stay silent long enough for her to fill in with various things she still remembers that made me happy back then. After she feels fulfilled filling her list, she asks me again. I say, to be quite honest, and not in some lame fashion, you make me happy. She lets out the subtle aww which she quickly replaces with an apology...I am suddenly confused and ask her for just what reason is she saying sorry for - it doesn't make sense to me how a true statement, one that could even be taken as a compliment, could be misconstrued at that moment.

She reveals to me she is sheepish because she's no longer my girlfriend...she mistook my statement to mean something more than I had intended. I counter with obviously noting she's not my girlfriend, but I meant it in a sense that her being made me happy..having someone in my life like her made me happy..that she brings a smile to my heart. I didn't mean it in a wooful manner. I wasn't re-confessing my love for her. I was simply stating I enjoy her in my life, maybe wishing it was more frequent than the once a month hour phone call I get.

But maybe she was right all along, maybe she knew my intent without my ever being aware...because from that moment on, my heart was marching in a different step, with my head trying to join in.

The phone call ended shortly after that, but my thoughts waged on. The thought of sleep slipping quickly away as my head finishes second place in the race. And the well-being I came into the possession of thanks to buzz, has been substituted with a lonely, loving silence.

All the same, I miss that girl. A lot.

"she still doesn't know..does she?"

To The Roommate of the Girl in Room Number 238

a kind request..

kinda..

Once you've passed the point of no return, there's no reason to hold back..

I don't know if you'll get this or if you're even going to read this or anything at all but nevertheless, I'll continue. Though I've never met you, you've somehow formed this hatred towards me. We may have talked on the phone for a few minutes, but that's been the extent of our communication...so I'm really at a dead-end as to why you hate me so much..maybe 'hate' is too strong of a word, maybe you use other words, but from my end that's definitely how it appears. I don't know what I've done to you personally to cause these problems, and I've wanted nothing more than to try and resolve them. I always asked Tink to let me talk to you, but she said you would never have it. So now I'm coming to you personally, in a way I guess.

Maybe you have some grand reason, maybe I'm just unaware of the crimes I've committed, but as of now, and always, I'm in the dark. I'm upset that you hate me so, but I'm also upset that you try to control your friend's life. Why you can't respect your friend's non-harmful decisions. Why do you see it fit to be dramatic and cause problems when there are none to between her and I. And don't sit there and act like none of what I am saying is true, Tink always had to leave the room or hang up the phone when she was talking to me because you didn't like it. What kind of friend does that?

Yes, a friend should be there for another friend..should encourage them to do right things..help them in their times of need..should be able to voice their opinion on matters, but also know when to back away. This is the part you failed. You could've hated me all you wanted, and I would have tried to work on that, but you interfered with Tink and I's relationship. Making threats and ultimatums is not cool. I've never seen or heard of anyone so bent out of shape about someone dating someone else, especially someone as irreproachable as myself.

I made Tink happy. I was good to her. I never did anything to harm, impair, compromise...yet you still have reservations. Whether you liked me or not, whether you thought I was horrible or not, that Tink shouldn't be with me or not...you should have said your peace, then, that's it. Let her find out on her own if she is supposed to be with me or not..because it's obvious that she does want to, but can't because of people like you dictating her life. She doesn't want to cause problems with people in her life, and neither do I.

I just have never seen anything like this before. A group of people so hell bent on destroying somebody else's happiness. You can make the claim that being with me caused her loads of stress, but that would bring me right back to you..for, without the ability to just live her life and be happy with me..with someone always interjecting, disrupting, it created that stress.

Enough, I've rambled enough. I wanted to contact you, to talk to you about things and I ended up letting my emotions get the best of me. I came out swinging and I'm sorry. Tink holds you and your opinion in high regards, and so that must mean something. I'm sure you're a great friend and I don't know what I did to cause us to get on the wrong foot..I've always wanted to remedy that. Whether you choose to believe it or not, but I love Tink…and I care about Tink greatly. I care about her and everything that makes her her. I would never change who she is, make her change who she is, negatively influence her, compromise her beliefs...I would have treated her like a princess, because that who she was to me.

Sorry for disturbing you with my message, I appreciate your time. I'd love to actually talk with you, but I don't see that happening. Regardless, enjoy your spring break.

Jangus

"...this should go over well..."

no fancy titles,

this is our story.

I Miss You

between a rock,
and a hard place…

what to do what to do oh what to do…

The other day I sat down in front of my computer and typed away…nothing special, and sadly nothing nobody will ever see..it's actually something I've been doing every day regardless. But it was the content of meaning in which I wrote that would only be the surreal foreshadowing that only my writing could do.

You see, I asked a question to..myself…*looksaround*..but it was more I asked it outward wanting an answer to, and for, myself. I would receive that answer just a day later. But, what's even stranger is, it was in those moments that I was asking the question that somebody was already typing the answer…the very answer I would receive the next day in a text.

How is this even possible - how is it that someone that is yearning for some sort of answer, whether good or bad, just something..how is it that while this person is taking the time to physically ask the question, the question that is burning in his mind, to bring it forth, making it something substantial…that very answer he longs for is being materialized at that very same instant half way across the world..

but that's right, in this situation, we only believe coincidence, right right…moving on

well not really.

Anyway..So now I am left with what to do..I got the answer I wanted, not just an answer, but the answer that's most favorable to my emotions, to me. Naturally I chased after it, but seeing how it was sent days earlier that person has had time to build walls back up, to fool herself into thinking it was all a mistake, and is beating herself up for letting her guard down, for giving in..and now, now she won't reply..

So what's next? My friend asked me what I would typically do in this situation..I said it varies..varies on the situation and the girl..maybe i'd chase, maybe i'd be annoyed, maybe i'd ignore, maybe i'd tell 'em to fuck off and die…it all depends…but one thing is for certain, I always go with the gut feeling..I go with how I am feeling to that situation…

And in this particular situation..I want to chase it..but then again, I want to respect the other person and give them the space they so said they desire..but the feelings are obviously there, it's there whether you try to bury deep down in places you don't talk about to friends..it's there and it's not going away…so do i wait for them to spike again, hoping to have better timing and catch it as it comes my way…or do I pursue, attack, go after with some sort of Hail Mary last ditch effort…

Right now I have nothing…so the ball is in your court…..





"People say that the bad memories cause the most pain, but it's actually the good ones that drive you insane"

Rules We Live by

Never Give Up,
Never Surrender

funny how this carries over into all aspects of life.

As a member of the services, especially the Marines, there are a lot of guidelines, policies, procedures, rules, etc that we are to adhere to. Did you know there are actually policies put in place for should you get captured? But of course that is something we strive not let happen, as my subtle title thing indicates.

I guess I was born a fighter, I don't know how else to explain how I am what I am today..it's not like I had brothers or sisters I had to constantly do battle with. It's not like I had a male figure head to battle with (clarification, I love my grandfather more than anything, he just was working two jobs and wasn't around as much..but he did everything he could, and more). I don't recall getting into many fights as a child; I remember being competitive, I remember having a temper..but fighting, hmmm. So that leads me to where we are now, I was born this way.

What I hate the most is the phrase "I'm a lover, not a fighter" - as if those who fight are incapable of loving. On the contrary, I fight for what I love. To me, that statement, I'm a lover not a fighter, just means you'll go about peacefully when something you love is taken, damaged, hurt, destroyed..you'll just lay down, putting up no resistance. So to me, being a fighter could be the best of both worlds - I'm definitely a lover, but I'll definitely put up a fight as well.

Call me stubborn, relentless, ridiculous, whatever…I just don't stop, in fact you could say I never stop. But wouldn't you rather have someone that will fight for you, than to have someone just sit there and watch you try to walk out of their life.

There's a saying, "All's fair in Love and War", so wouldn't the policies I live by for War, aka work, apply to when I'm in Love..especially when Love becomes War?

I don't know..maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm what's wrong, or who's wrong..maybe..but regardless I'll keeping doing what I do, what I know to do, what I've always done...Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.

I'll be here, solitary stagnant.







"I'd rather be with the wrong person for the right reasons, Then the right person for the wrong reasons."

Seoul-less

what defines you,
may not define me.

the blog about spirituality..

Apparently I don't show my emotions very well…and yet at the same time they are over the top as well - story of my life, being on both sides of the spectrum at once.

When I do have outbursts of emotions, those around tend to find them too intense, dramatic, over the top, etc…maybe they are just used to me not being..responsive. I tend to get excited at random things, quickly change emotions, whatever..it's just me and that's all I can really say. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say what I say, it's just the emotions speaking through me..

In other cases, people think i'm not sensitive enough..not showing the "proper" emotion or response for whatever said situation. I don't even know how these two are pulled off in conjunction with one another, but I do what I do.

I'm reminded of any concert I've ever gone to; specifically for this scenario let's use Muse. Muse is easily in my top five bands current, and in my top for bands of all time ("all time!" ~ Kanye). Now, I have seen Muse in concert on five different occasions, ranging from 2005 to 2011; and I always go on about what an amazing show they put on, the Pink Floyd of their time, etc. I've taken different people to go every time, and like a drug, they get hooked too.

However, each time I go, people question my love for Muse. They hear me days before the show, leading up to it how awesome it's going to be..they hear me talking after the show of how great it was, these aren't of concerns…but rather, what happens during the show is why they question it.

I guess you could say I play the part of the guy who was drug there and doesn't know who's playing. I stand there..i may slightly bob my head, i may smile, i'll definitely tap my foot, and i'll take pics/videos…i don't get all hyped up, I don't dance, scream, or go crazy like some people..i just register it all internally and live in that awesome moment..soaking it all up..taking it in..enjoying the bliss of it all. (Di-id you catch that…)

Now, if you don't recall or don't know me that well, I LOVE music…to me, music does for the soul what morphine does to the brain. When asked what I would miss during my three months at boot camp; iphone, internet, gf, whatever..my answer, without hesitation was, music.

Hands down music is a vital necessity to my life. I may not be able to actually play or make music like i would love, but despite those disparities, I still love music. It is able to cope with all emotions; happy, sad, in love, out of love, etc..music..music does wonders for me. And although I may not express it like someone else, music is a HUGE part of my life.

The same is true for God.

I may not go knocking door to door, stand on the corner preaching, or even go to church every sunday. I may not make every Twitter status update praising the Lord, or push my beliefs onto other people, or do any of that over the top stuff (and to be completely honest with you, I find all that stuff to be annoyingly fake).

My interpretations and teachings I've had all tell me the same thing; you don't have to let everyone know you're a Christian to be a good Christian. You don't have to be seen in church, you don't have to boast about to everyone about the Lord, you don't have to tell everyone the good deeds you're doing for Him..that's not what it's all about. Essentially, you're not supposed to be asking for praise while here on Earth..meaning, I don't need to tell you what I gave up for Lent every five minutes in hopes that you feel guilty you're not doing something, or to have you think I'm a better Christian, or whatever

I don't always go to church, but when I do, I don't throw my hands up in the air and scream out Hallelujah! I don't push my beliefs or insult other's views with my own, but I will speak of the Lord and reference the Bible to those who do believe. I may not do the things in that respect, I may not let it be known externally, rather it's all internal - like at a concert. Just as I am in the concert, in that spiritual nirvana that nobody else in the world knows about but me; I am the same with God..the only difference is, He also knows.

So just because it may not appear to be whatever you want it to be on paper, whatever you think the SOP is for loving God, obviously you're doing it wrong and better go back to check it out.

As T. Waits would say, I got my own special way..








"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30"

Heart & Seoul

Doctor said I'll be alright,
but I'm feeling blue

This is about the time where I'd say something horribly mean (provoked of course...) that I really didn't mean, but said in an attempt of making me hate you..hate you like you apparently hate me…hurt you like you're hurting me…

For some reason, it's not happening…

As soon as I start to curse your name, get mad, want to break something or whatever..as soon as the adrenaline starts to flow, it dissipates just as quickly…the moment is over, and I'm just left as an emotional mess. The words are never formed, the hate I try to create froths never to a boil…

i just can't do it.

I can curse other people, other people around you, but you..I'll get mad, irritated, but my lack of understanding hinders me from going any further with those emotions…even when you 'tactfully' use such demeaning phrases, all it does is break my heart more and that's it…

i'm left with nothing.

So instead of fighting it, fighting you, throwing a fit, a phone, or drinking myself into a coma..i'm just going to sit here..and probably write…(not going to lie, the drinking will come into effect sometime I can almost guarantee that)..but in the mean time, I'll just write about the wrongs and hurt I'm suffering..so for my avid readers who hate when I get super emotional and rant on and on about sappy crap, this is your time to tune out…our regularly scheduled program will air again next season..which is, as always, TBD.

but i'll continue.

my posts will just be me pleading my case, as I'm programmed to do..fight and plead, it's all i've ever known how or what to do. I'll shoot holes through any of your 'logic' and arguments, i'll expose everything, the truth, the madness of the situation, everything.

loving, hating.

but it's alright..i mean you'll just end up trying to quickly replace me anyways..trying to fill the void that my forced absence leaves behind. you'll trade the fun and sporty, always sexy me in for a Honda..because it was right there..and anything is more reliable than me.

naturally.





"Tiffany's is timeless, diamonds are forever…the Jangus is not"

Guilty Filthy Seoul

if you're not first,
you're last

The trouble with Firsts.

Everybody wants to be first: First place, first commenter, first to fill in the blank. But what a lot of people forget is what actually goes into being a first, how it's equally as good as it is bad.

Everybody knows who the first man to walk on the moon was. Everybody also knows that the first words spoke from the first man on the moon were botched - NASA claims a transmission error, whatever. But who was the third..fourth, or seventh person?

Being a first is a big deal, and it seems like once that is accomplished, it opens the door for a flood of others to do that same without praise, recognition, or even regret.

Let's go in a different direction; sex. People will remember their first kiss, or their first sexual experiences, etc…it holds so much weight because that person was the first person to do something with you that you've never done before, maybe you've waited for, maybe something you thought you were waiting for.

Ugh, I'd hate to kiss and tell, but just follow me on this one for the sake of the plot here….My last girlfriend and I experienced a lot of "firsts" together, well, she was the one with the firsts really, but we shared them together..let's not get technical here. Anyway..I remember the first time we did things more than just kissing, it scared here a little, naturally. I remember she freaked out in a sense because she allowed herself to do certain things. I recall her saying things such as "this is so not me" - and yes, those statements were true, up to that point.

It's hard to accept the reality of when something like that happens - when you've told yourself you're going to be a "good little person and refrain from certain activities." And after many years of a brainwashed resistance, when those walls come down, well, your mind goes into panic mode.

Every word you ever cursed at others who engaged in what you just did you are now calling yourself. It's a mindfuck that makes you hate the situation and the person with you..and understandably so. When you go all your life saying "you'll wait till marriage for X" and then that suddenly isn't a reality anymore your world gets turned upside down.

Now don't misquote me here, I'm not saying by any means that it's wrong to have these strong morals and convictions in life, on the contrary. What I'm saying is, no matter what, there's always going to be that first..so don't hate the person put in that situation..

Somebody would have eventually walked on the moon, somebody eventually would have sliced bread, and somebody eventually would have put their fingers or dick inside of you…it's just the shock that overwhelms you

Sometimes being a first in that respect is like the first person to wear their hat backwards, or color their hair, or wear parachute pants, or any other ridiculous fashion statement…people see that first person doing it and ridicule them…but then before you know, everyone is doing it. And that first person had to go through a lot of shit doing something that's now common place…

Now being myself in that situation is a little difficult. Here you are, respecting someone - their beliefs and their desires - you're trying to fulfill so much, make them happy, and then they direct you it's ok to do something..you are hesitant, you question, you can only do so much..And so then the aftermath comes and you're being questioned for your actions like you never cared. That maybe you're compromising their beliefs because you can't say no…well when someone forces your hand down their pants it's kinda hard to say "nah, you really don't want this…"

Needless to say, that girlfriend of mine was mature enough to come to her senses and terms with reality. As the initial shock wore off, she realized everything was ok, she wasn't a horrible person (and neither was I), she was at peace with the situation, and we resumed being a happy couple being together.

I think more people need to watch the movie Kinsey - the only reason I say watch the movie vice go do your own research on the guy is because I know people have short attention spans and won't go and read…despite the inaccuracies of the movie - anyway, I can barely remember the movie in its entirety, I think the ending is where it got off track from the true story..but what stood out in my mind was the beginning…Kinsey's childhood..which is what drove him to his lifelong career of sexual studies. I won't ruin it for you but it really paints a picture of just what harm closed minded fanatics actually cause and to what lengths their ignorance can go.

Being a first can suck and that's the risk you take..but someone's gotta do it, eventually…people should be so lucky they had me.








"X-Static Process = Madonna"

I

fucking
miss

you.

I was gonna write out everything...about how I missed you..about what you mean to me..about how you make me feel..about, everything..but instead..I got nothing..literally nothing...not you..not words..not a thing.

I realized this all again, tonight...even with a short phone call it stirred my heart, brought life to those feelings, and now I sit here in an emotional dust storm, alone.

Mon cœur s'ouvre à ta voix

L.O.V.E.

No Ashlee..
just Love..

This is a Loooong and Over Due Blog

How do I even begin such a blog, there's so much I want to say, so many things to cover, Love itself is such an extensive topic, how to go about properly delivering everything..I will do my best, as always.

I believe in Love. I believe in Love like I believe in God. I feel as if that statement right there is enough to start pumping the brakes, I just hit two very loaded topics in less than 10 words, awesome. When I say I believe in Love, I'm talking about True Love. I believe in True Love. I am, and will forever be, a hopeless romantic. One of my top three favorite movies of all time is Love Actually - it's actually one of the very few movies I have seen in the theaters on more than one sitting......this is gonna get heavy...

I have ranted and raved about Love in this blog before, and I'm sure if you've ever had a conversation with me it's come up as well. Sure, yes Love is everywhere, and people believe in Love..however, I am talking about True Love here, the stuff movies are made of, and that's where we differ.

I grew up watching TV, movies, plays, etc. And it was those stories I heard while so very young that made me believe in Love, what made me a hopeless romantic. I saw how happy people were, I saw the magical endings and I wanted that for myself. I have always wanted to be someone's Knight in Shining Armor, all my life I have been holding a shoe and chasing after my Cinderella - and sure those are just fairytales you may say, but why can that not be for me?

I want True Love to exist. In every relationship I have with someone I'm always seeking to see their version of Love. I always enter every relationship with a Love like I won't get hurt. I do not hold back or compromise my Love for I don't feel that's something anybody should do. All too often we being hurt from the last heartbreak enter, or maybe not even enter at all, into the next relationship with a cautious step, glaring eye, raised arm ready to strike, defensive stance, and a reserved heart. Everybody deserves love unadulterated.

And that's why I try to not let other factors or forces influence the love of others. For an example we will need to rewind a little over three years ago. I was living in Indy and had been dating a girl for a little over a year at that point. I was trying to get my life together and made another attempt at moving to Michigan to return to school at UofM. The girlfriend was supportive of that decision and even accompanied me on a trip to Michigan when I was solidifying my job transfer and re-enlistment in school.

Shortly after that trip the girl and I had some sort of a disagreement, or quarrel, or falling out..whatever the case. During the break we made attempts to patch things up, rectify, whatever. One thing that upsets me was that one of the girl's arguments for us to not get back together, or continue dating was that I was going to be in Michigan very shortly and that it wouldn't work out. However, it was also during the break that I found out my transfer didn't go through. I did not inform her of this news, not until many months later, but I felt that it was not imperative information for Love to exist. Whether I'm here or there shouldn't have an impact on whether or not she wants to be with me. I could have easily told her I in fact was staying and we could "totally be together", but then I would have been making excuses to be with her just as she was making excuses to not.

True devotion will always lead to action, True Love. I won't tell people what they want to hear. I won't tell people what they need to hear. I won't lie to someone. I won't fake something..all in the name of Love...I want Love to show through.

Following up on that story, what's even more notable is that I believe in the dreaded, LDR, or Long Distance Relationships. Whether it's just starting out or in the middle of a relationship, the LDR is crucial to the existence of True Love. I feel more often than not that people put so much improper weight on the physicality in a relationship. People date, become physical, and then the next thing you know they are trying to ask what the others middle name is. They try to seek the justification for that physicality and end up playing "catch up" - thereby learning more about the other, showing an interest even though the interest has been a direct result of the premature physicality.

Now I am not saying that the physical aspect to a relationship isn't important, noo noo - heck, I'm actually a proponent for sex before marriage (to a certain degree). Yes, I believe being physically compatible is important in a good relationship. People kiss differently, some may fit into that little spot tucked into your arms differently, some have weird shaped vaginas...just like you're not going to get along with everyone in this world in a non-physical realm, the same goes for the physical too. And just because you and that other person hit it off, like the same music and movies, believe in the same thing, have whatever else in common, doesn't mean physically it's going to work either..

In a relationship where the LDR is at the beginning, the couple can focus on each other. They can spend their nights learning about the other person, taking in an actual genuine interest into the other person. In this step, if those in this LDR are willing to make commitments to each other, they already have a stronger relationship than most. Foundation is key to any thing, especially relationships. You can't expect to build a solid ground all the while having the vision of the relationship clouded by the physical sense. Yeah I like being sexual, but you can have sexy time with virtually anyone..what I crave is intimacy. With this LDR you can build an intimacy before you get into that physical state.

Should the LDR come in the middle of a relationship it will prove to be another test of faith. As hard as it is to have the significant other removed, there are ways to still keep in touch. Heck, I was in boot camp for three months..I rarely got to write letters, and in all reality, my girlfriend and I never communicated while I was gone, but it worked. As long as you can put your trust and faith into someone you are dating, True Love will see the LDR through. To have the physical presence of your other suddenly removed is a tough blow, and could be easily replaced, but that's not Love..you wouldn't do that if it were True Love..I believe in True Love.

If you Love someone that's all that matters, or it should be. People can find love in all sorts of others. We've all heard opposites attract. I once went on a date with a girl who on paper was the anti-thesis of The Jangus, but when we hung out we actually got along very well, and there was a chemistry. That's the thing people always over look, on paper it looks good, or bad, or not right, or whatever..on paper this or that...well Love isn't a set of standards, it isn't the same for everyone, it's completely different for everyone..it doesn't need to make sense to others..most of the time it doesn't make sense to me..it's irrational..it's wild..it's crazy..Love breaks the molds, the boundaries, does the impossible..

The ideas of True Love have been instilled in me for a very long, and though my heart has been broken along the way, what has remained is the undying passion that there is True Love. Yes, I will admit and say I have turned my back against Love time and again. I have spoke ill-will, claiming it to be a pipe-dream, not real, and so forth. I may have cursed it, hated it, ran its name through the mud, I may have said inexplicable things in regards to its existence...but, when push comes to shove, ultimately, my faith remains, I still, and will always, Believe. My heart knows what is right, my heart knows what is true, and it will always lead me back where I need to be, where I belong. In my heart I believe in God just like I believe in Love, for afterall, God is Love.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Rejoice in the truth.






"I'm talkin' bout love Love is an energy, love is a mystery Love is meant to be true Love is a part of me, love is the heart of me Love is the best thing we do"