I Concede

No white flag, 

just going to let be...

A post about posts...

After much consideration, I feel as if 'pushing' posts on you, this year, would be wrong.  I do not like the idea of forcing these posts to meet some made up quota.  It would not be right.  That is not the idea behind this blog.

Granted, I have come across some writing exercises that tell you to force a set hour or so each day to post - which I can understand their intent; and I have no qualms with that.  What my argument is against is posting multiple times in one day..posting so many times in way to make up for the days, weeks, and months of lost posts this year.

It would be like a deathbed repentance...as my time grows nearer, I fight fruitlessly in order to 'make things right', only to appease myself really.  Sure I'll look back at this year and wonder "why?".  I'm shamefully shake my head in disappointment at the low number; but rather not the low number itself, but what it represents - my laziness.  

Sure there was a period in the first third of the year i was extremely bogged down with work and school..but what abut the rest...

no excuses, just write.

"I can't promise the future will be any different, but I can promise I'll try"

Political Battle

Pocket veto..
over-correcting..

looks like this is a done deal

Oh the pocket veto; my favorite and most despised social tactic.  I am quite certain I've blogged about the pocket veto in past, and as much as I do not want to reiterate, it still stings every time it happens...enough to make me mention it.

And the other step, the over-correcting/over-compensating, that's a nice touch too.  When in doubt, sell it to everyone around you, right?  Hey, can't necessarily blame you for it though...

...i just wish things were different

But that's always the case...a wise poet once said you can't always get what you want..and its true, you can't always, but once in a blue moon would be nice too.

Given the circumstances it doesn't come as a surprise, heck, if something actually were to go my way I would be more confused.  And it's not that I am upset with the individual, more upset with the circumstances...actually, more upset with what i was becoming.

hopeless romantic.

I shudder to think of something like that returning...after all we've been through, after I thought it was killed off in the 6th sequel.  This isn't a Nightmare on Elm St movie...that monster can't keep coming back to life and haunting my reality.

On the plus side though, it did get me to write again, naturally - about the only good that can ever come from these situations.

Another battle, another loss..i'll just lay here a moment.















"no..it can't be....but...we killed that years ago?!"

Seoul-less

what defines you,
may not define me.

the blog about spirituality..

Apparently I don't show my emotions very well…and yet at the same time they are over the top as well - story of my life, being on both sides of the spectrum at once.

When I do have outbursts of emotions, those around tend to find them too intense, dramatic, over the top, etc…maybe they are just used to me not being..responsive. I tend to get excited at random things, quickly change emotions, whatever..it's just me and that's all I can really say. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say what I say, it's just the emotions speaking through me..

In other cases, people think i'm not sensitive enough..not showing the "proper" emotion or response for whatever said situation. I don't even know how these two are pulled off in conjunction with one another, but I do what I do.

I'm reminded of any concert I've ever gone to; specifically for this scenario let's use Muse. Muse is easily in my top five bands current, and in my top for bands of all time ("all time!" ~ Kanye). Now, I have seen Muse in concert on five different occasions, ranging from 2005 to 2011; and I always go on about what an amazing show they put on, the Pink Floyd of their time, etc. I've taken different people to go every time, and like a drug, they get hooked too.

However, each time I go, people question my love for Muse. They hear me days before the show, leading up to it how awesome it's going to be..they hear me talking after the show of how great it was, these aren't of concerns…but rather, what happens during the show is why they question it.

I guess you could say I play the part of the guy who was drug there and doesn't know who's playing. I stand there..i may slightly bob my head, i may smile, i'll definitely tap my foot, and i'll take pics/videos…i don't get all hyped up, I don't dance, scream, or go crazy like some people..i just register it all internally and live in that awesome moment..soaking it all up..taking it in..enjoying the bliss of it all. (Di-id you catch that…)

Now, if you don't recall or don't know me that well, I LOVE music…to me, music does for the soul what morphine does to the brain. When asked what I would miss during my three months at boot camp; iphone, internet, gf, whatever..my answer, without hesitation was, music.

Hands down music is a vital necessity to my life. I may not be able to actually play or make music like i would love, but despite those disparities, I still love music. It is able to cope with all emotions; happy, sad, in love, out of love, etc..music..music does wonders for me. And although I may not express it like someone else, music is a HUGE part of my life.

The same is true for God.

I may not go knocking door to door, stand on the corner preaching, or even go to church every sunday. I may not make every Twitter status update praising the Lord, or push my beliefs onto other people, or do any of that over the top stuff (and to be completely honest with you, I find all that stuff to be annoyingly fake).

My interpretations and teachings I've had all tell me the same thing; you don't have to let everyone know you're a Christian to be a good Christian. You don't have to be seen in church, you don't have to boast about to everyone about the Lord, you don't have to tell everyone the good deeds you're doing for Him..that's not what it's all about. Essentially, you're not supposed to be asking for praise while here on Earth..meaning, I don't need to tell you what I gave up for Lent every five minutes in hopes that you feel guilty you're not doing something, or to have you think I'm a better Christian, or whatever

I don't always go to church, but when I do, I don't throw my hands up in the air and scream out Hallelujah! I don't push my beliefs or insult other's views with my own, but I will speak of the Lord and reference the Bible to those who do believe. I may not do the things in that respect, I may not let it be known externally, rather it's all internal - like at a concert. Just as I am in the concert, in that spiritual nirvana that nobody else in the world knows about but me; I am the same with God..the only difference is, He also knows.

So just because it may not appear to be whatever you want it to be on paper, whatever you think the SOP is for loving God, obviously you're doing it wrong and better go back to check it out.

As T. Waits would say, I got my own special way..








"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30"

Hole in Your Seoul

The girls I've dated..
where are they now…

the stats don't lie

I had an interesting text conversation last night..and if I were to go off into one of my angry rants like I typically would, it would be obvious to the person whom I was talking about..among other things..that so much isn't the bother as the fact I had been holing off on a blog that..not necessarily foreshadowed things, but maybe it would have done just that.

Anyway, let's just go with it…

In the past I know I've pointed out how my exes have certain tendencies. Maybe I've mentioned little things in conversation..maybe I've hinted to things in blogs, but I don't think I've ever directly come out and made my allegations/theories/whatever out with a documented timestamp for all to see..let's begin.

The one that I'll reference the most is the "Next Guy Postulate" - which basically states the correlation of the breakup with me and the next guy said ex-girlfriend starts dating will be the one she gets engaged/married too (engage is stated because on several occasions the engagement did not make it to the married state so for statistical purposes it is listed as such) ((I think what's even worse is the amount of those guys with the name Jason..but because that's too much of a mind fuck I'd just like to overlook any of those findings..)). That's right, I am the Good Luck Chuck if you will..or as my friend Citron would say..the Ricker(?) (I don't know, she claims there's this movie that has a similar plot as Good Luck Chuck only starring the awesome Paul Rudd…I have to see this for myself…) ANYWAY - I have a pretty staggering percentage of girls that go from me to engaged/married..let's just say it's over the half mark..sadly close to the three quarter mark in fact…if you're not apart of that group, lord only knows what you are doing wrong…

What's even more awesome than that, somewhere in the midst of those statistics there's a name listed twice….twice you say, is this some sort of typo to inflate your stats..sadly, no. In fact she was my first "engaged" stat; after me, she met a guy, and got engaged not too long after that…for whatever reason that relationship ended and years down the road we met up again…only to have her leave me, again, for some other guy, with whom she is now married to..and has a child with. awesome.

The second fun fact I'll bring up almost as frequently as much as the first fact is "Exes Get Ugly Syndrome" or EGUS if you're tracking…This syndrome isn't limited to just getting ugly, but encompasses a much larger issue…fat. Yes Exes Get Fat and Ugly Syndrome…EGF(a)US..Ohhh, of course if you were to ask them what they felt about this, they will ALL admit that they are not the ones that comprise of this stupid accusation…little do they realize.

Come on..you look like a chubby, scenester lesbian…or you could look down and ask where did those Kanckles come from..apparently it's hard maintaining your weight after me…

So if those aren't bad enough, the next one is a personally kicker..and maybe I don't talk about it all that much, maybe because it's insulting to me, but..the guys those ladies choose after me are..gah, what's the word I'm looking for…horrible..a disgrace..an insult to me! You know, if you're going to leave me, the least you could do is find someone better than me..shouldn't be too hard right?

But that's never the case..most are, wait no, ALL are not attractive by any means…not once have I saw one of my exes currents and was like, "well fuck, she did it right this time.." and I'm not the only one to see this. Others, females, have chimed in to say things like "really? Him?.." You ladies pick some of the ugliest and stupidest guys you can find after me..you compromise yourself to be with this next guy..I mean what the fuck…

You have these ugly guys, who you claim are tall yet are shorter than me, who confuse your/you're (among others), who's texts are illegible, who's Asian without an Asian last name, who's IQ you question because they can't keep up in simple conversation, who cheats on you, who goes to jail for dealing illegal drugs, who himself is fat, who becomes forceful/beats with you, who does things-like drugs-that you have been opposed to all your life..these are the types of guys you pick to be with over me

what the fuck is wrong with you?!

it's ok though..I don't stress because I refer back to statistic number two: you're an ugly mess too (or about to be one)

This was not my intended angry rant I spoke of earlier, however, this has been an angry rant by your one and only..or should i say "you're one and only" maybe then you'll like me..








"You should make the update that you're in a relationship with my middle finger..because FUCK YOU!"

AB-solutley Right

Seeee
I'm always right

so never question it

So yesterday I make my way over to one of the wee-fee hotspots in order to get online..As I'm doing the random things, checking email, forgetting what it is I'm supposed to be checking or googling, I read up on some news articles - ever since I got an office job, news websites have offered me entertaining ways to kill time…

Anyway, upon opening the first site right there on the front page, main article, "anorexia among young males?" The article went on to show pictures of these guys with frail bodies, skinny, except…they had a six pack or abs of some kind. Yup, the post I wrote not too long ago about how sickening this new fad was becoming turned out to actually be a legit thing..so any of those naysayers who thought I was just being a hater can now SMD.

They article elaborated on the new trend, of why it was happening, and so forth..what's sad is some of the quotes from these idiots "I think I look good" or "i love being able to show off my bod" …right, because skin and bones looks sooo good..but you got that six pack so kudos to you…

And to you girls who perpetuated this craze..you're all fat…there, that should settle the score…








"..but you'll question me anyways, because you're stupid"

Ab-

-stain...
-duct...

Absolutely no reason for this nonsense....

I go to the gym, I work out, I do so because I want to stay in shape..I want to be healthy..I want to be strong..I want to have a better build to my body, something other than being scrawny. I'm not super gung-ho about hitting the gym...I go in cycles..just something to keep me active and not a fatass. Of course I, like many guys, have the vision of that cut body, muscles, and ripped six-pack...but now...now I'm having issues with that last part.

In today's world, the six-pack on a man is now weirdly equivalent to tits on chick. It's almost disgusting, actually, it is. When I was growing up sure there was the appeal women had for men with fit bodies, but it wasn't so sickishly hellbent on a six pack...i shall now call a sick-pack....Our heroes then were different...the guys we boys wanted to be like were different...they were men. They weren't this long haired, scenster freakshows that walk around pretentious as fuck because they duped a society of young girls to think it's cool...

My dashboard, newsfeed, whatever feed is constantly spammed by stupid people posting pictures of all these guys showing off their sick-packs...which inturn get these stupid comments from other stupid people. But as sad a display of soceity that is, what's worse is if you were to see these actual pictures that are being posted. Sure, yeah the guy has a sick-pack, but that's all...there's no other muscle definition whatsoever....it's just a sick-pack (Now the term makes sense..) He's just some scrawny guy with some abs...who probably gets winded doing a push-up.

You know, all you need is a body fat percentage to be under 12% for your abs to start showing...so what these guys have done is basically starved themselves and 100 situps every day to look like that....while the rest of the body withers to nothing...those guys are stupid...and to the women who find it attractive and keep posting it everywhere..you're just as stupid..

I used to want to have a six-pack, but now with this superficial revolution of whatever this crap is..I don't. I will keep true to myself and go to the gym, like I have done before, keeping myself healthy and not scrawny..because i'd rather have a decent overall package than put my focus onto just one area and look ridiculous..

besides, the girls that like that are bitches anyway...







"Yeah, that's great that you have abs and the girls love it...but, you weigh a buck twenty and can barely hold yourself up, how the hell do you expect to fuck....i take your girls, pick them up, and toss them around like a man...like how they want it...psh..abs...."

Present

(a)
(the)

it's all a matter of perception...

I had just woken from a mid-day slumber in my car, one of the joys of getting a two hour lunch break is it doesn't take me two hours to eat. I normally go for food first then a nap only because the timing of lunch varies so much, and of course I want to get as much sleep as I can squeeze in...but today was different, still fighting with this cold and everything else this week I felt tiresome and when the time came, I changed plans and napped first.

It actually worked out pretty in that I awoke before my alarms went off, I love when that happens. So I headed to the chow hall to begin my day, again. Feeling a little bit recharged and out of the office I had some me time to go over things in my head - a dangerous game any time. I tend to always get food from the mainline but I saw they were serving up chicken Caesar salads in one of the side lines and happily found myself in line there.

While waiting I started mapping out my feelings, recent feelings that had found their way well above the surface. I wasn't paying much attention to where my thoughts were taking me, just letting them spill over and I was hanging on for the ride. When the lunch lady handed me my plate I quickly saw the black olives tossed about my lunch, guess I wasn't paying attention to that either.

Once seated I decided right there to take a stand for myself, for my feelings for once. It wasn't an ultimatum, though when people make demands it is easily confused with such. Rather it was just the reality of the situation, me taking the responsible role and trying to do what was right. Of course this all sounded good in my head.

The day went on and the plan seemed solid. Later I went home and ran into my landlord who just so happened to have some mail for me. He handed me a package apologizing for opening it saying how he thought it was his. I told him it wasn't a big deal and was excited to see what I got, mail is always exciting. We sat and talked and right before we departed he proceeded to say, "yeah, it's a book...didn't want to ruin the surprise."

Soon there after the time finally came, time to put the plan to action.....or so I thought.

Isn't it funny how things are different when they are finally presented. How we can go from wanting one thing, to wanting the opposite in a blink. How everything you planned for is suddenly out the window. How you think you got it all figured out, like that giftbox, but when you open it up, BAM, something entirely different.

When the time actually comes you tend to lose your mind, just like losing your place in a book page...everything's a mess..like me...like this...









"what's in the box!?"

Connect the Dots

Co-

In..

cidence...

There's so much to say right now..and no way to really say it. I can't focus on just one topic. It's amazing how life will just blindside you left and right..as soon as you start thinking one way, BOOM (goes the dynamite) , your attention is over here now..

That's kinda how I feel at the moment..no way to really get down into it..Should I sit here and type everything out it would be an excruciating long blog..and more than likely I'd just tire out mid-way.

Coincidences..what about them? Do things really happen for a reason, or are the events just happen-chance, connected yet not meaningful? Because I believe in Big Grandiose things, I believe in Love, Ghosts, God, Aliens, Good in People, and Coincidences, just to name a few...I believe in a lot of uplifting things come to think about it....I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing..here I am striving to believe in all these good things, but when they don't happen or get proven else-wise I'm just let down..

I had to go to work today on my day off, but as soon as I got there I find out I don't need to be there til midnight, awesome. So I hit up the grocery store and go about my business. On my way home I make a stop at the Church right by my house - I want to know when the Xmas Service is going to be held, see if they need volunteers, etc. So I stop and walk around, notice there's some people around..then more people...then I get passed a pamphlet..and then a candle..and then there's a donkey..and I piece it altogether as I hear someone on a megaphone start speaking in Spanish...

Naturally I'm the only white person there but I feel I should/need to stay..I feel like it would be disrespectful to just up and leave, yet, my Spanish sucks..sooo yeah. Needless to say I stayed, I took it as a sign..I've been trying to reconnect with the church and I was thrown into this..test my faith with a different language and I'll sing Silent Night in Espanol.

I believe things happen for a reason, because if I didn't, then all this would mean nothing. It would just be random events and occurrences with no reference or bearing. No justification or meaning, just random points and lines that never intersect, never connect. That's such a horrible way to live, to think that there's not something greater...

I once knew a girl who said she believed in coincidences...however, when it came to something involving me, she disregarded it as nothing special. We could randomly text each other at the same time..I could call her a nickname she never revealed to me, after a period of time of not talking she could want me to call and BOOM, I'd be calling...these were just some of the MANY things that happened in the short amount of time of us knowing each other..but, she would insist on tossing those events out....because she couldn't make sense of them like she wanted to.

it seems sad, because with so many things pointing towards me, her, us you'd think you'd go with the forces, go with the flow of things, follow the signs....but some people are reluctant when they think this isn't how their story is supposed to go..

people can be fools sometimes...










"Oh look, Jeffersonville...it's a 'sign'..."

Silent (K)Night

Get it..
silent letter..

getting the silent treatment....

Oh hey, there you are, didn't notice you - oh, you've been here all weekend..waiting for an update..shoot, I guess you wanted an update about as badly as I wanted to be acknowledged, your presence will suffice....

This weekend wasn't uneventful and I'd be lying if I said there wasn't something going on or blog worthy material (and we know i don't like to lie), rather it's the question of what should be said. Fear that prying eyes will just mock my every word, laughing it over with friends and colleagues from afar, all the while i once again pour out my heart and soul into something i do for myself and those who care.

I thought about a blockade, limiting my online presence, taking time off - and well, we see how far it got me...i figure why should i put myself out there for all (her) the world to see when i sit here with bated breath on a response from emails sent her way...it's just not fair.

You know, I do have a lot to talk about, and holding it back would just be silly. If one (she) really cared enough to still read these blogs then the words that fall onto the screen are nothing but old news, repeated emotions, holding onto where I stand..

So read on if you so desire, and I'll continue to write. Read every word over again for the first time, and I'll continue to stand beside them til I die. Now is not the time to be silenced; I shall be heard, for every word I write is honest and real..

and shutting me up isn't gonna make all this any less true...






"So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you not in the tower of song"

Reading Into The Past

old posts..
rekindled feelings..

what was and what will never be

People have a tendency to look back on past events with an brighter outlook...as if somehow they've harnessed the rays from the sun into a flashlight as their peer back into the shadows of the past...even some of the worst moments hardly seem as bad.

Somehow I got back into posts from afar and couldn't help but smile. Even though i cursed more than twenty times a blog, even at times using that loveable phrase of "fuck off and die" - apparently it was the theme for a month back in '06 - it still brought joy to me.

And it was the events, the memories, and heck, even the writing that gave me those warm fuzzies. Why is it, especially with the writing, that I feel as if back then i could create something good, yet now I dribble on and on about crap...no real style or creativity to the writing..just rambling on without some ironic epiphanic wording or phrase that makes your reading eyes orgasm.

I want to write more than just a re-telling of my story. I want to be able to express myself better with words..bah, even that statement could be re-wrote to sound better. I try to write little short stories or poems and it just doesn't bode well with me...I spend too much time and effort into creating something..then recalibrating it..adjusting it..re-wording it..destroying it. I'm always trying to create something so brilliant it will blow your mind, always trying to add such little intricacies into everything such as "ooohhh he used six syllables in every line" "the third letter of every fifth sentence spells out whom he is writing about"

I do those types of things because those are the things that get me off, those are the things that get me..sure there's words and meaning, but if you can pull off some mathematical craziness in the process, if there's a deeper meaning or a secret the author hid in the work, that makes me happy to know. It's like the inside joke of writing..maybe only writer wrote it for just one person..who knows, but it's special..and i want to write like that.

maybe it just takes some practice...maybe my writing now is just as good as my writing back three years ago..maybe I need to keeping writing now to hone in on this skill, to improve upon it, to maybe someday write that book that everybody keeps asking for...

funny because in my dedication page it will list everyone who refuses my existence.








"Crap...I don't remember what I forgot..."

What's the Fuck

how..
and why

it all started going wrong...

First let me apologize for kinda getting emotionally involved in the last post. It's not like me to allow myself to become apart of the post...normally I write about random topics that were talked about around me, things I notice, or whatever...I try not to let my current situations become the topic, but in my last post I did just that...the latter half was derailed by my current life and took you down a path that I didn't mean to go...and I think I'm about to do it again.

Today didn't have to start out as bad as it did, there was just something in the air I guess. My alarms went off at 9, as I had set them early for today, for whatever reason. Sadly, my mind-despite it being the morning and not functioning-can tell that it's "too soon", and so I'll go back to sleep. I did that this morning. Luckily I awoke only 15 minutes later, but really could not bring myself to get out of bed...I just didn't want to face the day.

But alas, I awoke. It was cold, but not as cold as yesterday..well, only speaking of the temperature..as for the rest of what I would endure, much colder.

While on break at my favorite nook in P'Bread I encountered my first problems of the day. For starters the internet was slower than normal..and normal is already painfully slow..like we are talking dial-up slow. today, simple pages were not even loading. A problem that was resolved on my third hour of my break..leaving only 30 minutes left. Which was about the time I was dealing with my second issue, my car, well cars. This one fagot who fucked me over on an ebay transaction a year ago, still having yet to make it up to me, I contact, in hopes they want to remedy the situation...that's a no-go. They block me from their site and do not allow me to send them messages now...awesome. The other issue is I'm still waiting on a part from Japan that was ordered over 2 month ago...best part is, after finally snapping, I make 2, yes two, phone calls and locate the part in the states..they'll have it by thursday. I love doing other people's job for them.

Then it was time for work...I won't get into the details, just know that I was very displeased by the floorplan and layout for the evening. At one point the chef, with whom I like, was asking me why I was so pissed, which got into a 'heated' conversation - not between us, but got me fired up -to the point where I yelled out, "If they are trying to push me out they need to grow a pair and tell me to my face they don't want me to come in, and I fucking won't" Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there.

Anything and everything was fuel added to my fire as well. One of my friends has been "really wanting to see me" for quite awhile now. Come to think of it, I don't know when the last time we saw each other was, a year?..best part is, we live in the same city...Now I continue to preach this, I am leaving in X amount of days, if people want to see me before I go, come to me. Give me a time, a date, a place, and I'll do my best to make it so. It doesn't seem that hard...but people keep telling me to come to them. Slap.In.The Face. Think about it..."Oh I really wanna see you, please let's hang out soon...followed by...hey i'm going out with friends meet me here" Look, if I was a priority, we'd be hanging out. People can talk and talk, but cannot support with. Like I've always said, I can tell you I will give you twenty dollars, that I want to give you twenty dollars, but until I give you twenty dollars, it just isn't fucking so. If you want to see me, you're going to come and see me. I got shit going on, yes I know that everybody has shit going on...but I think, in this instance, this scenario, my life changing plans going down in 19 days are a little bigger than you going through your life routine.

I get home and continue a Facebook status comment war I have going on with one of my friends on the alter ego account...I guess the guy was seriously mad or something while I was just joking around (of course) and he makes one last remark to which I try to reply to..uh oh, can't do that...wait..where did his name go..unavailable content..that mother fucker...I was blocked. So I sent a message out to him from my other, real account. Again joking, he again makes the last comment, then blocks me...I know awesome people.

but then, probably the thing I am most upset about, came shortly after that...you know, when it rains, it pours right? I really don't want to get into all the nitty gritty of it, however, I just don't know what to do, about anything anymore.

They say perception is reality..literally what you think to be true is true to you. How you see something is how you see it, the world, whatever. If someone perceives me to be an asshole, then, to them, I am an asshole. Whether it's true to the world or not isn't so much the case, that person, in their world, has made me the character of The Asshole. Now granted, overwhelming opinion can put values back into people and things, sway other's opinions, etc., people can alter their perceptions.

I'm not one to persuade people to think differently of me, and maybe that's a fault of my own, but that's not how I do things. If you hate me from the get-go, fine, that's your own shitty fault for that, maybe I rubbed you the wrong way, wronged you in a past life, whatever..I'm not going to force myself on you (physically or mentally) maybe after time I'll grow on you, maybe I won't, but I'm not going to try and make you think differently of me.

And maybe that's me picking the wrong fight to lay down for, because I mean honestly, I'm a kick ass awesome person, you should want to get to know me. But that does not mean I will not be effected by how you view me, how I make you feel...most of the time I upset people I intend on doing just that..it's when I "innocently" make people feel a certain way that I never intended on, that's when I become upset, let down - by myself. If all I am trying to do is love you, and you think all I like you for is your looks, I'm doing it wrong. and that's when I'll fight...maybe not necessarily fight to change how you feel, but to get to the root of what I'm doing that causes you to feel like that. (Yes I understand people can go bat-shit crazy for a moment and be afraid or feel things that are not really warranted..it happens, but you can't take this route out in an excuse for how you make someone feel)

I think this is one of my best moments of clarity I've had..you can't force yourself onto people and expect them to change...you can't chase down that crush and constantly throw yourself at them, all this will get you nowhere...you need to address what you are doing that they are perceiving. Like I said, get to the root of the source...don't tell them they are wrong for feeling that, convince them with actions, not words.

All this said, I don't know what I've done wrong..and people can sit and say all day, "it's not you it's me" and I'll still take it to heart. Whatever I did to today to make it so mad at me I do not know. I hate ending on feelings like this, because, as someone else goes to sleep, I stay awake...so it's not really an ending at all.

Even when I think I'm at my best, somebody sees me as my worst.









"If I ever say I want to work here again, shoot me in the fucking head - Don' worry, I know you won't be back"

Ok, Ok, OK

self-fulled..
bad luck..

or just plain ol coincidence....

November is coming to a close, thank the lord, but not after wreaking enough havoc to break my will. Clean-up time on the damage is approximated at a year, I feel like New Orleans...every time things start swinging back, here comes another disaster...maybe I should disappear for the entire month and see how that goes....actually, I'd probably wind up missing and never come back...scratch that thought.

Believe me when I say I do not wish these things upon me, and I do my best to not acknowledge it is November, but for some reason there's a holiday or two in that month that remind me what it is, ha. Now yes, shit happens in any other month, just like..well, normal. So why is it that November's disasters are so cataclysmic? Is it because I put this month's treacheries up on a pedestal, shine light onto them and elevate them to be worse than any other of the month's mishappenings? maybe.

I wrecked my car last year in November..actually it was the weekend of Thanksgiving..roads were slippery, lost control of a car that has all wheel drive and I spun out. Well as luck may have it, I wrecked my car this year, in November, on the weekend of Thanksgiving - this time the road conditions were ok...operator error once again.

I lose girlfriends in November...maybe because I get all weird, push people away, or whatever it is I do, but people around me tend to not be around the following months. And the sad thing is, it's never how I want it to be. Unless I tell you to Fuck Off, I'm pretty sure you're still ok to be around me. Their presence is what I am counting on to make it through the month of November...so why drop the bomb on me during one of my most vulnerable times..haven't people ever heard you can't beat a dead horse.

my seasonal migraine flares up in November, causing me to lose focus on everything around me...people, work, activities, school, etc, all become effected by my huge change in demeanor. I do not want to be cold to them, but it's out of my control. I explain to everyone what is going on, but does little..when it goes on for a week, people just think I'm being a dick...and this is the one time I'm not actually trying to be a dick.

And let's not even talk about the Seven years of Tears, as I lovingly have called the UofM's streak for losing to those assholes in the armpit of America...Fuck the Buckeyes.

I try to fight it all off, I stand my ground, try to hold onto those people, try to not let the accidents and everything else get me down..I know it's coming and so I do my best to dig my heels into the ground and hold firmly...I know the month is going to throw everything at me, but I know I have to keep standing up when it does..I know all this, but yet still at the end of the day, the end of the month, all the fighting and all the garbage has taken it's toll.

This past week has been no different; each day bringing a new offense to the table, and nothing gets resolved as the next day rolls in, eventually the weight of it all added up cripples the psyche and November leaves me there to rot, to suffer, but not to die...that would be no fun.

As my corpse of a shell lay barely hanging on, my soul tattered and frayed feeling like a war-torn village, December creeps in, dropping snow over me. The commercialization marches over without taking notice, of me, of anything in it's path to profit. I lay. alone. in the cold.

maybe next year I'll be in somewhere there's warmth....









"Fuck the November rain, if the November Rain was half my worries I'd be fine!"

Girls

all I really want is..
...nope, not gonna say it

who the fuck have these people been?

Honestly, looking back at the bitches I've dated/had relations with, I'm only left to ask, why? How is it one of the most picky people in the world allows such fucktards to enter the bubble.

As I sat in a court room across from one of the most socially inept people I've ever met, I wondered, what the fuck was I doing with her? That little blurb right there should be a key give away for me to move onto someone else...socially awkward, not in the good sense, then how did I deal with that? And that's just the tip of the iceberg with that one...I could go into details about her looks and make me come across as shallow, but honestly - I'm one for natural beauty, and I made the mistake of catching this bitch in her natural state..I remember telling her to fix herself up and never letting me catch her again like that..

Yes I like looks, that's fucking natural people (unless you're blind), you use the senses you got..what looks better a lamborghini or a mini cooper (I swear to god if someone tries to defend a mini cooper I'm gonna explode) So naturally I am attracted to what my eye is attracted to, survival of the fittest, look it up. Now I will say that the stereotype that guys like blondes and yada yadda yadda does not really apply to me..like I stated earlier, I like natural beauty...someone who doesn't need to cake on makeup, someone I can wake up in the morning next to and smile (ahhh, redemption)

I learned this awhile back ago, in fact, it was when I was at Michigan. I was dining with a group of friends at bursley hall, the cafeteria (best cafe food on campus) and a group of girls walked by to which my comrades starting commenting on. Everybody honed in on one girl in particular...the blonde. As everyone made their comments I kept silent...which was heard by the group prompting them to direct questions to me. I remember bits and pieces of my response, which I've used over the years since that moment, and even in the paragraph above mentioned it. "you see the blonde right, well the friend to her left, the one with the brown hair...she's the one i'd take" i get weird responses but go on to explain that she's naturally the better looking one, she's the one i could wake up to every morning and still see beauty and...i continued and by the time i was finished the guys all gave me an awww, assholes.

Regardless, I'm just trying to defend that i'm not as much of a prick as I may be coming off or you think I am.

Another girl had the looks, had the tits, but that was it. Sure eye candy is sweet on the eyes, there are many things that matter as well. If a girl is dumb, what's the fucking point? (at least in my opinions and my desires) If a girl tells me she never understands what I am saying because either A) I talk too fast or B) Uses big words that she doesn't understand I think we may have a winner, err, loser depending on how you look at it.

I'm asking for a girl who can keep up with conversation, offer her own input, has a mind of her own...but not be too smart...there's the key....you get some bitch who thinks she's smart (like all women) who actually does have some brains, then you're dealing with a "perfect storm". A bitch who is smart only magnifies their bitchiness and I do not have time for that.

No intelligence, no social skills, high Ph levels, no morals, I mean I could go on for days about all the miscues the women I've been with have had, that I've foolishly let in but that would be a bummer. Is this all my fault? Do I love getting to know people, challenging them, pushing their limits, making them better so much that I lose myself along the way. In the process do I fall in love with these people because it's real, or because I believed in my own propaganda...or is it because love is a fictitious state of mind...

If BTTF has taught us anything, it's just that, love is some made up state of mind and you can fall in love with virtually anyone at any given time...and that really challenges the cliche valentine's day meaning of love. Soul mates? Nah, just whomever my daddy hits with his car will be fine. Why do we try to make it out to be more than what it really is...I'm not condemning society's view on love, rather..well, i'm bitch slapping it in fact.

Now i'm not saying you can settle down with just anyone, I've tried that..it doesn't work. I've tried to find a girl who could put up with me, who loved me, who whatever...but I've found that in those situations, when most of the weight is being carried by the other, I lose interest. I had a girl who wanted to be my sugar momma, I could be the stay at home dad, it was perfect..except her. So even given the ideal situation, it wasn't what I wanted.

Like I said, I'm picky...maybe too picky, yet not picky enough at the same time. Annoying voices, distance, drama, ill-fated relationships, whatever the case may be I still step up to the plate for them...

I know I can fall in love with anyone at the drop of a hat...but I want it to be real










"I wanna go balls deep in her..i mean like..you know, I wanna go further than balls deep, i wanna go so deep it starts sucking me in like a vortex, breaking my back in half just to get deeper…that's how badly i want to be inside her"

I Break

the water's grown
but it's not the 12th

and my references are so obscure i barely get them...

i take my last bite of the chicken wings i ordered in - not the last bite because i have run out of food, clearly the four boxes of random apps and entrees are almost untouched. no, rather it is my last bite because i'm full....or at least i think i'm full.

it's a weird feeling - my stomache growls wanting more, yet the thought of putting anymore sustance down the hatch makes me feel queasy. how can one be full and hungry at the same time..how can one person experience such polar opposite feelings, such extreme emotions simultaneously?

i try to forget about the craziness of it and continue reading my book - it's bukowski's Hollywood. I've been in a mood to read something, and all the books i would have picked up were never returned by those who "borrowed" them - another reason why i hate lending things out to people, it never comes back to you the same way you left it, if at all....

this book was actually a gift, not to me, but from me to a girl i once knew. i actually have never read the book, but i love bukowski's writing and so i picked up one of his novel's hoping the future english teacher would enjoy his writing too....funny how almost three years later i came across it in storage, still wrapped...

so ultimately it was a gift to me. and the timing in my life couldn't have been more appropriate.

as i have said i have always enjoyed bukowski's poems and short stories..but this book so far is....nothing special. granted i'm barely into it, but i think i should be captivated from the moment i open the book..it should call out to me, like nausea or the waiter rant or whatever

but that's just me, basing all my feelings on the initial encounter...you may think it's wrong to "judge a book by it's cover" but i've never been wrong before...

i can't concentrate, my stomach is grumbling...it doesn't make sense and i can't come up with any reasoning for it..i have plenty of food to eat, if i were hungry, but i'm full..this point is proven as my eyelids tarp over my eyes and i sink into the pillows. i know fighting it will get me nowhere..if i try i'll get twenty pages ahead and not remember a thing, it'll be a waste of time, might as well stop now.

i lay there with my eyes closed for an hour, asleep for maybe half of it, the latter half...and when i finally come to again i am greeted with a hungry stomach.. but since time has passed i've made a little bit of room in my tummy for some food...but it doesn't help.

i read on, and in the process i start to resurrect my inner dialogue. this is a funny thing, it's a delicate thing. the rattled dust fills the air, scattering about as each piece going in it's own direction..no ryhme or reason..tickling my insides..the sounds of spoken words fill my head, rising from the ash and now taking form as bukowski.

the heat kicks on as i can feel a gust of air now blowing on me. it's a love/hate relationship i have with winter - i hate the cold and the snow when i'm outside, but when i'm inside, when i can control the environment, cranking up the heat, wrapping up in a blanket yet still being able to look out the windows at the white sheets covering everything, then i'm happy.

but with winter comes the coldness in my soul, a hibernation of sensibility..and just like a bukowski poem or existential story out comes the tortured artist that lies within me...the winter not only causes people to huddle into their warm homes, closing windows and the outside world; i take that to the extreme..shutting out those i know and love in a depressive downward spiral...and just as your furnace kicks in, my bleeding heart too pours out...

this could be a good thing, but then again, you can't have the sweet without the sour...another catch 22, the story of my life










"if it made sense or was normal, it wouldn't be the jangus life"

Nothing

I don't have much to say
and i really don't care

just a little update so my fingers don't forget where the letters are...

i do my blogging at night..that's when i feel my creative juices are flowing the most....but right now it is 1:00pm and i've been up for about an hour..i really do not know what is going on, let alone what would make for an alright blog...

well, as most of you have probably heard, my best friend passed away on Friday, May 1st after a two year long battle with cancer. it is really sad to see someone as young as me pass...mind you this is also the very first person close to me who has passed away...the only time i have had anything come close was when my dog of 14 years died...i think the only thing that makes TJ's death a little different is because it wasn't as sudden as my dog or people in the past..sure i didn't have the date pinpointed, but as he said when he was put into home hospice, "it's close to the end my man" We all knew the time was coming soon than not, but even as we knew..most of us still weren't prepared...i'll be honest, reality hasn't settled in yet

and with the loss of a close friend, the restaurant gods are doing their damage as well. Last night i went into work, it seems like it's been forever since i worked on a monday night...probably back to a time when i was on the weekly rotations of working monday nights..i was scheduled in at 530, which i absolutely love because then i don't have to pay for parking and i can grab a spot in the alley - not to mention most of all the startup sidework is completed, but i really have no qualms with that..it's just the parking that kills me...anyways i walk into work, i see the italian mafia outside on the back dock smoking, sadly i could never know that would be the last smoke for them.

i stroll into work and go about my dressing procedures (funny as i looked back from my distraction i could have sworn i wrote 'depressing procedures') when i get rushed by a co-worker in a frenzy about something...i tell the talentless clown to calm down..apparently people have arrived for this party that i and one of the other half to the italian mafia are on..i tell no talent to breath and calm down, i just walked in, let's go out and asses the situation..as she starts huffing and puffing about people being scheduled at 5:30 i turn to her and snap "oh like you have never been scheduled in at 5:30 EVER!" ughh, i want a cas/lax night and this woman could give a stoner an ulcer.

it would shortly be revealed that the older half of the female italian mafia had been fired...she was on final final probation and she just couldn't keep her nose clean...the final straw was a blow up between her and a, well, guest at the time, at the bar in front of a couple guests...not just guests but regulars/wine locker holders...granted this guy is a piece of shit and had no business being at the bar, as he was fired from this very restaurant for being a drunken asshole - go figure...but i guess you can only take so much of a person before you explode...and she did...and in all thick like thieves instances, if one goes, so does the other....as the older of two got canned, the other threw in her apron, and they walked out together...

it will be sad to see them go, they were really talented servers..but on the other end..their attitudes towards work was appalling...i mean i hate that place as much as the next person, but these people organized the hate club..they also were on the list of people who could get away with anything they wanted...got the premo shifts, all the parties with minimums, and had an extensive call party list...knocking these two birds out opens the door for a lot of possibilities there...more shifts, more tables, and in the end, more money...

this all happening not even a week after a manger was fired, or excuse me, 'moved on to pursue other ventures'...per B Hewey..the firing rumored to have happened because of past warnings of fraternization with the staff...then the most recent occurrence of dropping baseball tickets off at the host stand for a server to pick up later...of course, none of the guys i work wit have a problem with things like that..it's the fucking woman we work with....drama drama drama....i hate having to walk on pins and needles in fears that i might say something that will offend someone, offend them enough to call corporate and me lose my job about it...fuck those bitches...i think all that's left really now is just to get rid of that no talent clown....if she were to go, wow...it'd be like we killed off the queen of the harpies and the skies would open up

and as if that drama weren't enough, as happy as i am to report that my eye has finally stopped twitching, in lieu of that i believe my sex drive has diminished drastically....i'm almost to the point to look up testosterone boosters online....but as much as i do not care for sex, having a lack of sex drive makes me feel like less of a man....but conversely, when having a raging sexually hardon, i feel like i am some piece of gary shit...no real happy medium as happy mediums generally do not exist with me...if i had some sort of a gf around like before i think it would be different....and as much as i hate commitment, sometimes it is good....

and speaking of commitment...well meh, talking about commitment isn't worth my time right now...i've said enough in this post as it is...each topic could have been their own blog, but i will finish it here, good day...









"Nothing is forever, There's got to be something better than in the middle, But me & Cinderella.."

YOU!

and me
and everyone we know

So i figured since i talk so much shit, i should be able to back it up, enter: The Gym...i'm just a scrapper anyways, but what i lack in strength i make up for in...retarded determination...sure i'll get hit the majority of the time, sure i'll be bloody, sure i'll be knocked on the ground...but if it's one thing you all know about me..i'll keep standing back up....

so, i figure i'll add some muscle, gain some weight, get me to some sort of a healthy level and be happy...speaking of happy..working out is a blast...i'm probably the only person who can go to the gym, work out to exhaustion, and be smiling and giggling like a school girl

so i take these multi-vitamins twice a day, because i was told to, and it has made me piss super bright yellow - it's like a highlation of piss on the yellow brick road...i bet if i were to turn off the lights it would still emit light...i have to wear sunglasses to piss..do not look directly at the stream...

speaking of piss....i piss so much now it's retarded...after my workout today i swear my bladder failed, i felt like my grandpa, having to piss every thirty minutes...it is like a night of drinking, after i break the seal my body tries to rid itself of all the liquid in my body to replace it with alcohol...and not to mention waking up 5 hours after i fall asleep and have to piss...i need a bed pan...

speaking of hospitals, TJ is in the hospital this week, sleeping on a cloud, eating the walls which are made of candy, having half naked scantily clad nurses answer his ever beckon call...man...fantasy land ohio...i'm glad i left

and had to get a real job and have my heart broken..fuck ohio and it's candy cane stripper poles..i'm living it up in 50 degree one day 20 the next indiana..where the purdue butterface girls go back home to their farms, the IU girls go back to New Jersey..where NWI means 'No Where in Indiana' or 'we're really chicago..honestly...'

come to think of it....southern indiana doesn't even exist to me...i mean..bloomington isn't really southern indiana...but it's the place furthest south i've really spent a large amount of time in..i mean, i've been two evansville once or twice..i've been to aurora indiana, both were for boats coincidentally enough..well, kinda...the end result at least..

conclusion...indiana sucks...and even though i probably said it last year, i don't want to spend another cold ass winter in the midwest...i absolutely hate..i'd probably sell my soul to not live in this weather anymore..i've done my time, now let me go...

"sure jesus can walk on water, but i can swim through land"

No More Driving

finally a day of rest..
shabbott anyone?

it's a Saturday and i am not scheduled to work today, it'd be a good thing had i requested it off, but alas, i did not. it's funny because the ex has stated on multiple occasion how our breakup has been the best thing for me, my luck is really turning around - right, i've been getting Friday's and Saturday's off, which may be all fun and games for most people, but in my line of work those are the clutch days you need to have...let's not forget my non-transfer to MI, the lost and confused state of mind i've been in for a month now...'but you're doing things you've always wanted to do' - in all actuality i've been doing the same thing i've been doing for the past year - i got to work, and if i'm not at work i sit in my room, Indy has nothing for me, and without her present in my life, that's even less things to do....

but i do have something planned for the day, thank god, my friend Gary has invited me to play on his flag football team, i guess there were some people who went away this weekend or something - whatever the case he needed bodies to fill the spots..and i have had an itch to play sports again. i think it was my text to him on Wednesday, on that god forsaken trip to Detroit where i randomly im'ed him about playing in the soccer league he mentioned to me last week, and just as luck would have it, he needed me to play football this Saturday...

right before the game i went out and bought cleats and WR gloves, yeah, i'm a geek like that, but everyone else on the field had gloves too, so nahhhh. i played a decent game - for not having played in years. i dropped a pass that was thrown behind me, and the other time i made a cut right in front of the QB, there was no reason for me to drop it, i hated life...i did make a catch on offense before all that, so, yay..and i also made a huge catch towards the end of the game, where we went for the extra point after a touchdown - scoring this would have made it a two score lead - the pass was thrown into the endzone and one of my teammates couldn't hold onto the ball, so as it fell to the ground i was there, diving in, to catch it..i was happy.

but my favorite part of the game is defense..i would have had an interception had i not been out of bounds, but that was the only pass thrown to the guy i was covering, i'm just that good..we won the game and Gary's team stayed undefeated.

it was wicked hot out so i flew back home to hop in the shower...as i was parking some crazy guy came out and asked for a ride to the end of the street...i tried to shoo him away, but he was in my way to park...so he got in, i was pissed, blew threw the stop signs all the way to the end of the street...he then asked if i had a doobie i could sell him - "Get the fuck out of my car, now!" ...i flew back threw the stop signs to my house..i was not happy with that exchange..but the shower was good...

make note, because i did, but today was the only day other than Monday in the past week i did not travel a length greater than an hour...maybe round trip with all i did sure, but i didn't go to Chicago, i didn't go to Ohio, to Michigan, to anywhere but around Indy...i did drive, just not very far...

i spend the rest of the evening changing where i sit with my lappy, updating the blog (which is where the last four posts including this one came from..so i know i left out a lot of randomly cool stuff), just chillin'. sometime around 7 i get a call...i think it's those damn church bells down the street, nope, it's buttercup. she tells me she is passing through Indy, but isn't stopping..i try briefly to have her still come, telling i want to say goodbye to which she asks if i am going somewhere...

i go into how i cannot be friends with her at this moment in time, it's not fair to anyone, i hate to be all or nothing, but i want her in my life as something more than she wants, so any conversation or visits we have, will just make my heart drop each time. at first she doesn't understand, but eventually it all makes sense...we talk for the next hour, i explain a lot of things i wanted to do in person, and a lot i wanted to just leave in an email...

lately when i've been on the phone with her i find myself lost into the conversation - from an outside perspective i pace around the kitchen, living, and dining rooms. i lose track of everything else that was going on, time stands still, i am absolved into the conversation...about halfway through the conversation tonight i paused, realized i had been on my feet the entire time shuffling around and then it hit me, pain. before the phone ever rang i had been very cautious as to how i walked - the new shoes left me with very nice blisters on my feet, which caused me to walk on the sides of my feet..but take me out of my reality and have me talk to the ex, i'm running around the house as if nothing was the matter, the only pain that exists to me is in my heart not on my feet - until the call ends.

once again she tries to cut me off short, telling me the phone is dying and rather than finishing the conversation, she'll just tell me when she's coming to pick up her fridge and TV..this hits a nerve, i say to her, before you go i have one thing to tell you...i lay down for her the payment plan i created...asking that i will want on the 13th of every month a check to be in my po box with some sort of dollar amount, it can range from a penny to whatever you want..i say is two years ok for you...no answer..would three be better, it's only 4k, just let me know how long do you need...she asks why..why the thirteenth, well that date has it's significance it's not only your birthday, but, you'll understand...she gets upset, hangs the phone up...

i suppose i should have seen this coming, that's why i wanted to say this in person..i think it would have gone down a lot better...i try calling back and texting, no response, at least not for a couple minutes...she tells me i don't have to worry about saying goodbye because this is hers right now...she doesn't want to speak to me again...the next and last time i will see her is when she picks up her things..she asks for me to leave her alone...this is going splendid...

i write her a message on facebook right before i defriend her, i give her the link to this very blog...i tell her if she really cares about me like she says she does, then she will visit this website..i told her i will know if she goes to the website as well, and that it will be an indication to me if what she says is true or if what i believe to be in my head is reality...my money is on her not visiting...

that's all i can do..i gave it 110%, she was giving nothing at the end - sure she may have been giving when we were together, but now we aren't together and here am i, pulling the weight of it all

on a lighter note i think it is funny that my room was cleaned to the fullest for a weekend that nobody ended seeing me, go figure...i also have noticed a change in myself - i have started to talk to myself, aloud ,to a greater degree. i can't really remember the exact last time i talked to myself in such significance, i mean i always have always will, but presently it seems i have more conversations with myself than...anyone else. it's probably been years that i've used a voice recorder to capture my rants, i see a much younger version of me doing these things and i question whether in the end it is healthy or not...

i like to bring the cats into the living room and talk to them...it's pretty much the same conversation i would have with myself, just with a little more interjection of 'what do you think?' i mean talking to yourself, or some inanimate object is one thing, but the cats...well, they are alive..they just can't respond other than meow....

maybe i'm going insane..i tell you..i try to overcome all this and i end up fucking myself over..i know time will ease things for me eventually, but it's just hell in the meantime..maybe i should get into a car wreck, go into coma or have amnesia...see, these are the thoughts that go through my mind...

i wanted closure, wanted to be able to give the last punch, tell the ex to fuck off and die in so many words, but she ended up doing that to me...so i'll never get the closure i need, i'll never come out victorious, i'll just keep pining, keep beating myself up...

back to my drive back home today, though it was rushed, i had a lot on my mind...it was a beautiful day out, i just finished a game of football, what could i possible be thinking of - leaving. as i rode I-70 east towards Indy the downtown buildings grew into larger perspective, my destination was only a few miles away, a quick trip, but i questioned why am i still here, why is this still my scenery. i hate it here, i hated it here when i was with the girl - she always felt bad about it, thinking i chose here to be with her, well i kinda did, but it was my own foolish decision - i'm not going to hold her responsible for what i do with myself. having her made living here a little more tolerable, whether she saw it or not, whether i said it not, it was really the only thing keeping me here....so what's keeping me here now...the no-go on the transfer, my fear of moving and change, the desire to stop running...you name it because your guess is as good as mine

i work at 8am tomorrow, it's getting late, i've already snapped today, sleep will help me prolong losing my mind..i've got a gyro in the fridge for tomorrow..i wonder if i am supposed to feed the cats...

G - You're the only guy i know who would show up to a football game with a penguin on his shirt
M - You said a black shirt...and it's the linux penguin..
G - The wha?
M - It's the mascot for a computer operating system
G - *shakes head* Even worse
M - It's..it's mental intimidation

Back to Reality...

where things suck...
and people suck more...

it's almost 9am on this Ohio morning..last night was the first night i was actually awoken by noises or people coming down the stairs..i wake up before my alarm goes off, and just lay there..i don't want to get up. my phone quacks and i shut it off, i know i have to get on my way now for if i don't, i'll just be angry i got off to a late start...i dress and gather my things. i double check to make sure i got it all before i go upstairs to wake TJ, letting him know i was leaving.

we say our goodbyes, and i drive off into the morning with my back to the rising sun. initially i made a wrong turn, getting onto the southbound ramp of the highway i needed, i fucking hate getting lost in places i am unfamiliar with..i supposed you really couldn't get lost if you knew where you were though, so whatever..i throw my worthless iphone around in the cabin of my car like a red-headed step child..had the window been open, that shit would have been electronic roadkill...

i make the necessary turn around and get back on track...i'm heading to indy, this time it's for reals. my friend joy texts me throughout my trip, i think she's the only one i know up at this hour...ok, maybe i know only two people..whatever..she eventually calls me after her breakfast and we talk..she tries to keep me on the straight and narrow path of forgetting my ex, exploiting all the wrongs that she did and continues to do...i feel like i am being brainwashed, but i drink from the Kool-Aid anyways..in desperate times we cling to what seems the most comforting - a bottle of booze, a cock inside ya, religion, whatever makes things easier on you...(in some cases, a mixture of what i just said)

i get on a kick and tell Joy that if when she is 35 and still not married, we'll do the deed - i think i've made promises like these before in life, but nobody i still talk to, so i'm good. she corrects me by changing the date, she tells me if she is 28 and not married yet, we will tie those knots. we pick today's date, well sorta, we originally pick today's date, but i check and find out October 12th is the Saturday, so we go with that...it makes me feel better, something said just to make me smile...

But five years? are you kidding me...like, we would need to start planning the wedding in four years..i don't feel as if that's enough time for me to move on and find someone else...five years flies by quickly..hell, i was with buttercup a year and a half...that didn't seem that long...four years will be here before i know it...

i've got cold feet already. i reach the Indiana boarder and i think what a horrible idea it would be to marry my friend Joy..had this been three years ago, when i said let's get married in a half-hearted whimsical fashion, sure...but things are different now...i've only been wanting to date the girl since i knew her, but as time passed, we forged a great friendship, one without the possibility for any sexual activity whatsoever - her making this decision long ago, and me accepting it a little later...we are both too similar to try and be in a relationship with one another - if there was a female version of me, she'd come pretty close..and well, that can't bode well...

back to my place, it's 230..just enough time to take it easy, a nice pace to get ready for work..

i stroll into work a little earlier than usual in hopes i can get some food..well, there was food available, it just wasn't that edible..in the process of trying to feed myself i turn to my right and who do i see - oh, it's pat...i sit down, ignoring him, but he eventually comes up to me, asking what happened with yesterday...i go through my side of the story...he doesn't remember a thing, he barley remembers speaking to soapy manager..he was so fucking blitzed out of his mind on drugs and alcohol he couldn't keep his word to take my shift...

it's not the first time i have been on the receiving end of the short stick from Pat...asshole. so he asks who's gonna be in trouble, word from the host staff tells me that we are both getting written up, but i know since it was my shift and not in the book officially for him to take it, it's all gonna be on me, but we'll see.

i'm on patio with another server, i make a vow that if i make 200 i'll go gambling...see, when i'm on patio, which is a lot, i hardly ever make money..soo i'm saying the odds are against me..get it..anyways...the night goes on, i deal with a table that tried to be fun, but are just assholes, i get the verbal tip from them on a $500 bill..had they tipped what they should have..in the end, i think i would have actually made 200...go figure, such is life.

i return home, funny no text messages in reply from last night...cool..i know my friend Carol isn't coming this weekend anymore, so i have the night to myself i suppose..i have tomorrow off, so i can stay up all night..but where's the fun in that..i am reminded of a conversation i had on Tuesday with Joy when she was talking about how she stays up all night, will take a cat nap, then be running on the treadmill and whatever..i responded with, "sounds like our (TJ and mine) lives..only with out the treadmill.." TJ interjects, "and the things to do.." ughh, i just want to sleep

i make a call on over to the ex, i want to see her tomorrow - i'm still a little upset i was dropped mid conversation then had no apology or explanatory text the next day, friends will do that, because friends care, right? then i shoot her a text because i got the voicemail..i ask for some things that i know are in her trunk, and i know she will be passing through Indy tomorrow..i ask for 15 minutes - she calls and tells me nothing is just 15 minutes with me...she asks what do i really want - i go off on a tangent about my father's visit...i waste 50 minutes of her time spilling my heart and true emotion from that weekend, i apologize for all the wrong i may have caused, and i start talking about our relationship..i honestly didn't want to go there, but it all bleeds together..she's tired and has had enough, she tells me she is going to bed and doesn't know if she'll stop by or not tomorrow...

i go about cleaning my room and starting laundry..it's well after 2am...i eventually stop the madness and go to sleep somewhere after 4, i have a big day tomorrow and i don't expect to see her either...

"the only thing you ever hear me say is 'i hate you'.."