The Last of the US Posts

all..

coming...

to a close...

It's been a hectic last couple weeks...days...hours even; but time is one thing I learned that you cannot stop...and as time keeps ticking forward, I find my fingers feverishly racing on the keyboard..trying to keep up with the movement of the spinning hands.

The entirety of the situation started to hit me a few days ago...i started to notice my movements slowing down, everything was slowing down..I wasn't in a hurry, my motions, my body, even my beating heart all started to slow down as afflicted by a tranquil drink.

the world moved fast, or as fast as it normally does, it was me that was different I suppose. I can't be expected to act like it's not, but it's hard to uphold that image when you're asked be every contact you meet.

Maybe that's why I said I was ok, because I didn't want to face the facts..and the sooner I accepted my fate, the longer I would have til it happened..more time for worry, more time for stress, more time for pain...and nobody needs that.

These hours waiting in the airport, these uncomfortable seats jarring the reality into your back, giving you nothing but time to think about the pain, of it all.

I haven't posted enough in 2013, though, I should have.

"insert obligatory leaving quote/music lyrics here"

Good Mourning

wait..
but the brittish..

that changes the whole meaning of the word...

I feel as if the nail in the coffin just came slamming down..after feeling like I was hanging on by a thread..slowly but surely being removed from every aspect of the social media world..I hung onto one..thinking maybe, just maybe today would be a new day..that emotions would have settled down, that there would be some time for redemption..something. I awoke and saw i was still in the "green" so to speak..clinging on to that fact, clinging on to hope..

every bit of removal and blocking from those sites breaks me down more and more...this feeling takes me back to my childhood when I was thrown in the water. I panic. I struggle. I try to fight it off but nothing is making sense. Sheer terror runs through my veins..it's what takes place when oxygen is low I'm assuming. I kick my legs, flail my arms, fighting to stay above water..I'm gasping for air..I'm drowning..and there's nobody around who wants to save me

my mind is running a mile a minute, but i can't think about this or that, i can't think about hope or saving myself, the only thing i know is fear..

then I see that grey question mark and I start to sink..









"pending contact request..."

It's The Final Countdown...

T minus..

Go, no-go for launch..

We have now approached single digits

I have 9 days left of “freedom” before I begin a new chapter in my life, a very new very different chapter in my life. The problem is, it hasn’t hit me yet – Granted, I’m typing it all out and making everyone aware of the time left, so therefore I too am aware…it hasn’t hit me. Yes I know there are nine days left for me to get all my shit together, to see my family one last time, to try and prepare for what is to come.

Am I ready? No, not yet. And the closer I get to my departure time, the more I encounter that I need to take care of, or the more that things start messing up..it’s a problem. I wish it would all come together oh so smoothly, but everything is a process…it will come together, it just needs to run its course I guess.

All this shit piling up all at once and at the last minute doesn’t stress me out, it just angers me. I don’t worry about it because worry would be a waste of my time, effort, and imagination…but I get angry at it because of how it all comes up. I know things will work their course, it’s not a big deal or sweat off of my balls, it will get taken care of…if you start to stress it will only do more harm, physically and mentally.

If you think I’ve been mean to you because I’m “stressing out”, it’s not because I’m stressing out, it’s because you deserve it…and just like how the world threw all that shit at me to break my back, you’re failed attempts at being a good person to me broke as well.

Here’s one of my BIGGEST concerns..I told people 160 days ago that I was leaving..yeah, 160 if not more. You’d be surprised by the staggering number of people who have made, or not made, arrangements with me. They like to push it off to the last minute, you know, when all my shit is hitting the fan and I’m trying to get the fuck out of Dodge..

These are the same people who “want to see me” so badly…yet, I must cater to their needs and find them?! They can’t make the time for me, to come and see me or hang out for lunch, yet, they can check into a bar every night on facebook with their other friends? That type of shit pisses me off. NO I will not come to you, NO I will not make the arrangements with you..I’M the one leaving, if you care, you would have seen me by now. To those arrogant sons of bitches I say GFY.

I hope to god they don’t have the balls to show up to my going away party that I put together, stress on the I because even my closest friends couldn’t organize their daily routines.

Other than that, just random bullshit...I've got so much to say, so little time to do so...but I need to keep writing..I can't not write while I'm at "camp" - Need to keep going strong with this...oh my god, I leave in nine days....Holy God. This is going to change my life in a zillion different ways. I must be nuts.

What stresses me out is my room being irregular.

"When it rains it pours, and since it's winter it's an ice-storm...Icepoclypse indeed.."

Empty Units

putting an end..
..to the means..

closing the doors in more ways than one in two places....

this past week i did something i've been meaning to do for a long time....it was officially wrote down on my "ToDo List" for after the summer of '06...three years in the making, three long years of pulling the idea off the shelf, blowing the dust off of it, and putting it right back there... this week it all came to a close.

it started last friday when i decided to put my thoughts into action - without fully knowing my schedule i went ahead and made calls to get the balls rolling...i called and got a storage unit right here in indy - literally a block from my current apartment. then an order was placed for a uhaul to be taken one way from the region. the balls were in motion and a lot of stress built up.

monday morning i acted on the calls and great plans and headed to the region with one goal in mind...never look back. for the past three years i have wanted to consolidate the two storage units i have spread out across the state...two storage units, two different time zones, two different eras in my life....all coming together.

i started my mission on the oldest part of my life, the storage unit i have had the longest, also the furthest away. some time in 2004 is when i put my region life into a 5 by 8 by 12 box, sealed from top to bottom, without my ability to go in there and go through things - except the filing cabinet i left at the front door.

i reserved the second smallest truck which i figured would allow me to fill it with either storage unit with ease...looking back i think i could have used the smallest truck, but it would have been jam packed..this one gave me some leeway..

moday.one day.up to the region. load up. drive back to indy. unload. that in itself was a task, thankfully i got the night off from work, not that i don't need to work, i just couldn't do all that in one day and survive.

the next day was on to btown, this time the round trip would solely be in the uhaul. the btown storage was a bit different...a very large unit with a lot of excess room..things scattered about - a place i have been going in an out of like it was my girlfriend. on a sad note, the storage unit also was home to the random things TJ left behind when he was abruptly removed from btown back in the beginning of 2007 - i don't even know what his boxes consist of.

wednesday morning i spent unloading the truck of the stuff from btown and organizing it with the things from the region. i was disappointed to find out that most of the things from the region storage were slightly water damaged...this put a damper on my fiscal plans as i hoped to sell certain items such as dressers and pool tables i had - instead i had to pry open the wooden drawers of my dressers to reveal and sort the findings.

and what was most tragic about that was, the items that were inside the drawers were moist as well...my main gripe was really the only thing i wanted out of that storage unit, the drawer full of pictures....pictures ranging from my childhood and baby pictures, to all the random pictures from my pityparty/high school days...

but now it's all together, in one location...granted i need to go through everything - i still plan on selling/throwing away a lot of things. i will be saving money having everything all in one place, and should i ever move, everything is is one location, one location that is actually supported by PODS.

but deeper than all that is me closing two doors of my life at once..with the removal of having a storage unit in the region, and with a lack of family in the region i no longer have any ties to that area...same goes for btown - although i still have my POBox there for the time being, that's a small price to pay in comparison to the huge storage unit.

by emptying out those containers, i've moved on with my life..this is just the first step of me getting it the fuck together?










"it's easier to leave than to be left behind"

Keeping it Cool

..as can be..
..even though my room's on fire...

it's kinda like your sex, or his pee...but not

i went to bed last night pissed off, and i woke up this morning in the same mood - so you know how my sleep was..very ineffective...i don't go in to work until 5:30....but even with the late arrival i can't pull a smile onto my face for the life of me, if anything as the hour to work approaches, and as i walk closer and closer into the depths of the hell i created i feel my soul start to cry..any energy to get me through the day that i had before quickly vanishes...

but then i remember what day it is and i feel a sense of relief...cas/lax/thurs..the only thing to halt my sole and senses from escaping. Granted the district manager is in town and everybody is 'on edge', i could care less....i'll do my impression of him while he's around, scaring everyone and making myself laugh...

the night is an easy one...myself and two other employees are teaming two parties in the two private rooms...i think manager scott is still trying to throw me a bone and compensate for the past week...but the funny thing is, nobody will every question me being on parties for a week straight like they will with no talent clown, amoung others...

like i said, the night went with no hitches, i eventually started to warm up, yelling "i'm on a boat" in the kitchen, or rapping as i carried food out behind other servers...i'm all finished up, but i spend time with the hostess lucy at the front..trying to spot pete wentz and get free tickets for tomorrows show.. she's following him on twitter and his updates are lame...just about as lame as amanda bynes'...

the clock nears 11 and i decide i've been there for too long and head on out...i feel like going out, but since nobody has plans or has talked it up, i'll just go home - people are lame anyways....i get back to the apartment and gary is with his emel and her friend watching forgetting sarah marshall....every time i watch that moie it just makes me want to escape and return to hawai'i...

summer is on it's way and i'm still heartbroken at the way indy has been to me, still heartbroken at the way anything has treated me in that matter..they say time heals all wounds....the only reason why that is so is because memory is selective...over time you start to filter out the bad and can only recall the god...hell, i just mentioned going back to hawai'i and i couldn't wait to jump ship when i was there, i hated btown when i lived there, but now visit it and recant tales of times when things were good...i hated cp but i just applied there?

"I just ran food to your table and I jizzed, in, my pants!"

I'm Leaving..
on a jet plane

i really don't know when i'll be back again

if ever....soooo, i leave for Maryland on Monday...rather, i'm supposed to be in Maryland to start training on Monday...and i really don't know when my flight out there is...update, just got my itinerary email...i fly out of St Louis MO on Monday morning...

but the coolest part is, i'm actually flying in 'private' jets...that seat like 30 people! How cool is that? well, i think that is cool..whatever, this is my first time flying, i'm claustrophobic, and i'll be crammed into a smaller than average airplane thousands of miles in the sky..yay!

i fly from MO to Cincinnati for a one hour lay-over, then i get on a smaller plane and fly to Baltimore...when i get there i have to meet with the NCL people...i just want to walk off the plane and see one of those guys holding a sign with my name on it...that will truly make my frickin' day!

so yeah, that's about where i am now..well who knows where i am, it's Thursday? and i have to be in a lot of places doing a lot of things...tomorrow afternoon i have to be in Ohio for a date with my sweet cheeks...then make my way over Indy to celebrate Kat's birthday and hopefully see E-liz as well...

Maybe then Saturday morning i can catch Jimmy in Indy, drive down to bloomington to pack and do whatever else it is i need to do..then go out with that crowd (the few the proud the loyal). And on Sunday, wake up early to then drive six hours on over to Missouri to park my car..riding then to St Louis to wait for my flight in the terminal overnight...

sounds like a plan? want to be involved give me a call because i have nobody's number....











"I'm using the duty free shop to get liquored up before i step foot on any plane..."