Losing My Mind

after losing something else,

and someone else

but it's not a loss if you give it a way.

I made it home.  I was cold, and needed to return to my residence quickly, though I lost myself along the way.  The paved sidewalks cutting out and switching sides, the sand, construction...led me a good mile away.  I'm glad I was the first to return, not like there was a contest, but I'm glad Gary didn't return from work before me...in my haste to go out on a brisk walk, i inadvertently left the gate open.  Surely if Gary were to have come home, to both my cars in the drive, the house locked, but the gate flopping about, his concerns would have gone on high alert...at least that's someone.

funny how my course would direct me to the one place she found comfort in...a place, i wouldn't think of going on my own unless i had been asked or forced to go...rarely do i make the quest on my own...

i did my best not to just walk into the ocean.

i'm conversing with myself...aloud.

I'm going quite insane, and it's all in my brain.

pain changes people.

I want to call..I want to do something..but I can't..I just sit and stare at the idle messages...waiting for some sort of acknowledgement, let alone them to be seen.

I want to know she's ok...i know her...and that's what scares me.

it's 2008 all over again.  I was right then...lord let me be wrong now.

looking over the last messages...one nonsensical message...no periods...she's drunk

The Killer's Mr Brightside starts playing in my head.

active. messages not read.

it's midnight here, 2am there...the bars are just closing...i need some sign of life...something that will allow me to rest easy..something to put my mind at ease.  I've already lost my appetite for the steak I was to make hours ago..don't make me lost sleep now too

I wish I could drink...I wish I could just erase this with every swig from the bottle...like you are doing.

if this is how i was supposed to feel for the relationship, there's no way anybody would be able to live like this.

but I remember...she did.  she stayed up those sleepless nights, waiting on a call or text from me.  even when it wasn't said, it's what she wanted always...and it makes sense now. too much sense. and feeling like this, is not a feeling anybody should have to go through.  this is hell. i wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  i think my heart is racing, though i can't even feel it beat...i can't feel anything but a sinking feeling in my, well now, stomach.

she replies.  it's short, three words...no punctuation.  I quickly reply, trying to keep her on...the line?with me? there? but she goes back to idle...nothing....nothing....

and that's the last i hear from her.

until 330am...home.

I've made a huge mistake.

Me: I'm probably freaking out about nothing...

E: (without knowing the situation) when have you ever been wrong?

Me: fuuuuuuuuck

Insync

not the band, 

something a lot better

synchronization

I remember a time, not too long ago as  I can still remember it very well, when two young people moved with each other in unison.  Despite being on opposite coasts, a three hour time difference, and opposite schedules; they were still one.

It wasn't the first time I noticed it with this person, but for whatever reason, August clearly showed on a day-to-day basis our togetherness.  Though many miles apart we would always be thinking of each other at the same time; and no that's not just some whimsical 'in love' comment, what happened in August (and noticed from then on) painted a different picture for what we really were.

The most significant evidence was displayed late in the night/early morning, after both of us had said our goodnights and fallen asleep.  Something, in those hours would wake one, then the other...and since we were awake we couldn't help but think of one another, and so a text would be sent; just as the other was thinking of/composing their own to send.  This happened more oft than not, a majority of the days in the week.  And it wasn't the same time every night.  And it wasn't the same person to send the message first. No.  It was always different, always changing, except the fact that they were one; they were connected in some way.

That time in my life will always stick out to me for the sheer fact coincidence can be ruled out.  And even though that was years ago, and both parties have drifted apart, nothing has been able to break that connection to this day...

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "oh come on, you can't be serious...." and you're entitled to that opinion..and you know how I love my conspiracy theories and over-analyze things and just dig and dig, but hear me out...

As I mention, those parties have drifted apart it's been too long since real contact was made - an actual conversation - but something of course has sparked my attention.  Even though we haven't stayed in touch, or are connected through any sort of social media forums, every now-and-then she crosses my mind.  (I think it to be perfectly natural as someone that was apart of your life for any significant time would as well)   It may happen in the middle of the day, it may come up in conversation, it may be because she co-starred in a dream...whatever the case may be, she has been manifested.

I continue about my day, thinking nothing is out of the ordinary, until...one of the various scenarios happens.  Maybe I'll get an email about my blog, and it has the hit reports...and then that's when I'll see (what I strongly believe to be) she has visited my blog on that day, or so, from when I was thinking about her.  Or maybe for whatever reason I'll sign off the computer and log into my phone...I'll see a snapchat sent the day I was thinking about her.  Or maybe, if I'm really into self-deprivation, I'll take a look at some random social media she has and notice a picture change on the day I was thinking about her.

I mean, I'll be honest and say, I'm not constantly creeping on or checking these things out.  These are not daily occurrences.  These happen every once in awhile, and at first, I took little notice..maybe chalked it up to happenstance, like calling heads on a coin-flip and getting it right.  But as these instances happened more and more, what I would have called serendipity, now would have that level bumped up.

You may still call it whatever you will, but I know where I stand.  And let me testify that this is not some sort of love 'death rattle', a post where I bleed my heart onto the screen, pining for a love that is no longer...in hopes of getting back together with the undertones of 'we were meant to be'. No.  While I state and stand by being connected with someone special, this is not a pity cry.  I do think we still have a connection, yes.  I do think about her, yes.  I do miss her, yes.  Those are just facts, to me.

I just wanted to share this with you.  Facts or coincidence, either way I'm alright ma.

"when coincidence is common place, it is no longer coincidence..."

For Lack of a Better Title..

the

things

i do..but shouldn't

I was at work..bored..and left to myself...the internet would only let me go to so many websites, and I had read every news article about people beating one another up for discounted deals moments after stuffing their faces full of turkey.  I went through emails..don't know why or how I landed on hers, but I did...I started at the beginning and read every one of those words, stinging like burning coal to my heart...

I looked at the pictures, and read more.  I wish I could be hooked up to machines and have doctors monitor my heart, the beats, my brainwaves, as I read your words.  And it's just your words..I skimmed over others' before I got to yours - probably because I knew the weight of all that has been said, and all that was done...probably because, when it comes down to it, I actually loved you.

I can sit here and wonder if you still think about me, like i think about you, now...and as much as I wish you did, even once a blue moon, I know the dark side to that eclipse.  So i just re-read the words that once were true, the words I need to hear so dearly through.  And even though I know my fate, there's no denying my heart will break.  I want to stop before that point where things went wrong, and stay there standing all life long.  I keep reading the words that end this note, sometimes wishing it was all you ever wrote.

"If you take anything away from this email.. just know I think about you often and believe it or not, I miss you at times"

Nothing

even

matters

 to you

I'm probably one of the coldest, heartless, meanest assholes you'll ever meet; but then again, I'm not.  Sure I'm an ass 90% of the time (and I'm serious 5% of the time) but there's still that other 10% that makes me up that surely does feel like 90%,  most of the time.

As easily as I can toss people aside from my life, tell them to "fuck off and die", tell them goodbye forever, I just as easily can't forget most.  In fact, to anyone I've ever said those previous words to, odds are, I still remember and think about them...for they have made their impact on me, in some shape or form.

And yet to others, I feel as if they really do mean it when they say their goodbyes.  That the idea of me was just a lightswitch, and once it gets flicked to 'off' it, like the memories of me, vanish into nothingness.

I guess I don't know why I still hold onto memories, why I still care - maybe there is some underlying reason, maybe I never wanted to stop, but does that make me weak for caring, for not being able to want to forget?

Dante had his Beatrice, who says I can't too...

Through this thick facade I put up, this Great Wall of Repression, holds back a lot of feelings and emotions.  I was talking about needing to watch a sappy movie in order to get myself to cry so I could flush my eye out with whatever flew into it, and a friend replied, "The Jangus cries?"

Its true, more for some, most from....

I just will never understand, and here i write and erase a thousand times over, almost begrudgingly wanting to leave those five words...how can people do this to other people...there was no bad blood, no bad break, no resentment, no ill-will, it was understood...so why do we have to act like strangers now?  You can't tell me its for the better, you may lie to yourself, but don't lie to me..

I've already written this post, and I feel like I'll just repeat myself...

I guess I have nothing more to say

"J-Hey 

N-Who is this?"

Discard

Hey..I know we haven't seen each other or even talked in a real long time..but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that I miss you.  Not like a "I regret what happened" or even a "I want to see you again" sort of thing, just.."I miss you", then end.  

It's strange to think that someone I used to know so well is now a total stranger..that sometimes I go entire days without even thinking of you even a little…Most of the time I let myself forget, because it's easier…But then I find something..an old letter, or picture you drew, slipped into a book I haven't read in ages..and the full weight of what's been lost comes crashing down on me.  

But again, this isn't regret…we had reasons for ending it, and they're valid as ever…but back at the start, we didn't need reasons for anything.  It all just happened.  

We didn't have common interests, or similar goals…sometimes we didn't get along that well…But we didn't need a reason to fall in love.  We just did.  The reasons came at the end, and everything that's happened since has been all about reasons.  And that's good.  It means one day I might find someone I won't have to say goodbye to.  But a part of me misses just loving someone, and knowing they love me back, and that's all.  

I guess what I am saying is, I hope things are good with you.  I hope everything is great.  I hope you found a love that's all the things ours couldn't be.  And I hope I find that too.  But a small part of me, buried somewhere deep inside, hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons…and that you miss me, too.

"Do you want to save changes? *click* Don't save"

Gary's at it Again

This time..

it's retarded

Four years ago I lost my best friend to cancer...and as time would circle round again, I'm losing another friend because he is a cancer.

Maybe this time of the year is a bad time for me...like november, but not like november...november is more of a seasonal depression; this is more like bad luck kind of thing.  I messed up my ankle last year, which I'm still recovering from, and now I'm dealing with something else that's tearing.

My buddy Gary moved out to cali when I made my trip to get all my stuff out here.  It's been a dream of his to move to 'the promised land' - I've never quite been sure exactly what he expected would happen when he moved out here, somehow everything would just fall into his lap, life would work itself out, he'd become a rockstar...I only say these absurd things because, well, that's how he acted.

His first month and some change he did not have a job; however that did not halt his spending.  He treated his move out to the coast like a vacation.  Living it up, going out, spending money everywhere...except for where it mattered most, rent.  He bought wetsuits, body boards, this that and the other...it wasn't until I got back from SF in October that he finally had a job...though the first payment wouldn't come for another month later.

I realized he couldn't live his lavish lifestyle well before he ever did, and he probably still doesn't...so I made adjustments in what I did.  I didn't go out as much, wouldn't ask him to tag along, canceled a trip out to Vegas to see Lacey Chabert on her birthday..all because I wanted him to be responsible.

I was hoping this move would be a chance for him to put his big boy pants on, to grow the fuck up, if only just a little bit - heck, I'll be the first to say I don't want to grow up, yet, I can be a responsible adult as well.  I was wrong.

He didn't learn any lesson.  Even after a conversation I had with him in December about how he should alter his spending - though I wouldn't tell him how to live his life, I just wanted him to be more conscious of his actions.  I tried to stress the difference between 'wants' and 'needs'.  I stated facts, facts that would drive a normal person insane.  Example: though not being able to cover the full amount of rent, he would use his money to pay for private volleyball lessons. Or, to pay for tanning sessions...while living in Southern California...I cannot make this shit up..and the more I say/type it..the more I laugh, yet the angrier I get.

At that time I thought the problems were solved, that my words would be a beacon of light, inspiring...I'm a damn fool. Whether I wanted to believe anything I said made a difference or the fact I wanted it to make a difference so badly I turned an ignorant eye..it didn't matter.  Things still happened behind my back, without my knowledge, yet rent in full was never met.

At the beginning of the year I decided a new tactic, I would write on the dry erase board the dollar amount he owed.  At the time I want to say it was somewhere around $3700...and growing every month.  He was shocked to see the debt so high, and again, I thought my plan had worked..but...well, you know by now.

He still decides to make a trip back home that January - a trip that costs double the amount as one isn't working yet spending money one doesn't have...but after that things pick up, they start to get better..then, April comes.  His parents planned a trip out at the beginning of the month, and despite their insistance they he not take any time off that he wouldn't normally have, he takes the entire trip off.  Not two weeks later he takes four days off to go to a wedding in Vegas.

Call it coincidence, or random circumstance, but issues arise with management at the complex we are living in.  Basically, the guard staff have some vendetta against us, and only ticket those living in our unit for any random thing; yet others can do the same and get away with it.  Tensions rise and the owner of the unit feels so bad that she allows us to break the lease if we want to.  We're fed up and start looking for new places..somewhere else, somewhere cheaper, more inland, but cutting the costs almost in half.  Gary's onboard, in fact he takes time out during the week to go scout out a few places....this is all taking place this week in fact.

I'm thinking everything is going well, not looking forward to moving as I just finally got settled in, but hey, rent is going to be cheaper, and Gary will be able to not only pay that but pay back the debt..alright!

Then Friday, just days after looking at new places mind you, Gary comes home from work about the same time I do and has a smile on his face.  He says Restaurant O has hired him - I'm thinking, ok great, that was simple - but the following words don't make sense to me...everything after is a jumbled mess as I try to pick up the pieces of my now blown apart mind...the Restaurant O he mentioned, which I thought he was speaking about the one in SD, rather, was the one in Indy...and he's leaving in a fortnight.

So now with a $5100 debt to me, he's bouncing.  Not only that, but I'm going to have to figure out where to live, on my own now..and Cali isn't too conducive for single renters..so instead of half the rent I was paying, I will not be paying twice that amount..oh, and I better figure it out quickly as May is impacting in three days.

I can't go into the details any further as this causing enough eyebrows to raise, but that's the situation I'm in.  Stressed from work hounding me about shit I don't care about...stressed about getting my final projects finished for my classes...stressed from the douchebag guards and all the citations we are getting...stressed about my financial situation..as I'm $5100 owed from Gary..and all that has caused me to do is max out my CCs, deplete my savings, kill my credit score that i've worked so hard to get up since my bankruptcy..all because I was covering for some low-life who couldn't wake the fuck up.

I'm still in shock over the whole mess..it comes to me in waves...just how simple it was for him to turn his back on me..to jump at the first chance he could get..how he took advantage of the situation..how he used me...to get out here, and to stay out here for as long as he did..i don't think he will ever realize anything he's done wrong..i'm sure he'll say he's sorry...but i don't think he'll ever understand why.

I'm sorry that this post was so long..obviously is a lot longer than the time spent in Gary making a decision to leave.

"Selfish, ungrateful, incredulous, disrespectful, inconsiderate..."

I See You, Baby

shaking that ass...

shaking that ass, shaking that

Alright, now don't touch me...

It's amusing, really, how synched up we are.  I tend to distance myself from certain things, but, naturally, like moth to a flame, or, in this case a sailor to a Siren  I find my way back to you.

I haven't been blogging as much as I should, or would like, or should really; but it's a marvelous thing.  We both know how fickle my time with this blog is, and it's just a matter of time before I catch my second wind and start pounding on these keys to make something appear.  I want that to happen, and apparently, so do you.

I don't want to scare you away..it's ok, really.  I'm flattered...it's nice to know you're still keeping tabs on me.  Maybe it's to see if I've posted an "incriminating evidence" or gather things for the case file against me or whatever; but I'd like to think positively, I'd like to think it's because you miss me...and you know deep down somewhere inside of you, you know the truth....that your claims are all false...a mistake...some horrible nightmare created, but definitely not holding any bit of truth.

And to anyone else reading this and wondering or questioning...sure, this is a long shot as I'm sure there are plenty of those a that certain university...and maybe a select few that would know of this blog..but I'm fairly certain I can narrow it down to one person.

So, if my destructive reasoning is correct, let me put this out there.  Could you please contact me.  It's almost been a year now since...whatever...we saw each other...obviously you're looking, and you know that I can see that, so nothing has stopped you from doing so...soooo, just contact me, talk to me.  As messed up as the situation is, I still, for whatever reason, care about you and your well being.  Maybe you're too afraid to contact me over the phone, whatever..I can see you reading, and we both know what that means.  I'm trying to reach out to you...i'm trying to get an understanding for all this.

Basically, I am in a Mrs Haversham state of confusion left on a high from the time we spent together, believing that everything would turn around for the better..and then being jolted out of the fairytale to this "real world" that was actually a nightmare.

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.

"As the Rolling Stones would say, just Call me"

Let Me Catch My Breath

-What's her excuse this time?

-She doesn't need to have one...

she's here and that's all that matters

It's funny how life works operates sometimes.  And I know I've gone off on rants about how it's funny if you think about it, manifest the thoughts out there, how weirdly coincidental ironic those thoughts seem to reach their destinations and get a reply.

I was going to write tonight, no surprise here i am now, but it was on a different note..in fact, probably a pining opposite.  I was in the place where my thoughts steam the mirrors in my head the most..and as those thoughts clouded up every transparent view i may have held in my mind, I decided then to open the door and let it out.

But just as I was to crack open the glass, letting free the feelings, the very thing in which I wanted to write about, wrote to me.  And just like that, the clouds of longing parted, and my heart onward marched.

and the beat went on...just as it has before, always.

"Hey."

Double, Double

Dribble,

Vision,

Standards...

People are not what the seem to be.  At least that what it seems to me.  Lately I've been finding myself at the end of many mouth canons, receiving oral ammunition fired at me.  I've done my best to dodge those bullets, but given the onslaught of muzzle fire, my quick wittedness could only last so long.  And as I lay there dying to believe what's been interjected as a possibility of reality, that my gig was up, and time wasn't on my side...I start deliberating up some sort of change or acceptance.  Then, when they think I've lost sight, I eye their mistake.

There's several ways in which you can classify people:  There's those who play devil's advocate and call out everyone on everything.  I'm amoung those in that select category.   There's those who just take it.  And then there's those who only call people out when actually they are to blame.  This is a fun category.  These people try to play the system to make it seem like they have good intentions, like they are asking the questions to protect themselves, they are not at wrong...and if they are playing the second group it usually works out for them...but the truth is, it's their guilty conscience that manifests all the questions, all the accusations, all the anger.

It's because they know they are doing something wrong, something they wouldn't want done to them; and if they have the ability to do it to someone, what's stopping that someone from doing it right back without their knowledge.  These people are scum.  Not only are they the ones out there actually performing the nefarious acts,  they have the audacity to inculpate the ones who have done no wrong, the ones who have stood there, by their side...

I fucking hate people is what it comes down to.  People are idiots, and all they want to do is turn the tables on you.  Their situation is never called into question, yet every one of yours is.  And even given the chance to try and bring matters of theirs forward, it's turned around and blamed on you, naturally.

I could sit here and preach about how this person did this or that person did what...but I don't have the patience for that..it's saturday, and I want to do things, even if that includes nothing.  Maybe Season Five of Californication was right...maybe sometimes you just have to sit back and not say anything..not counter..not fight...sometimes you just have to take the call

And so this time, the penalty is on me.

"Trying to bite my tongue, but that's more pain than its worth, so I'll just say 'fuck you' and be done"

Here We Are Again

all alone..

going down the only road I've ever known..

I'm just wasting all this time

I've stared at this screen for over an hour, maybe longer as it seems to have preoccupied my entire night.  The new post page opened, blank, buried in a tab behind one of the millions of others opened that I scan through over and over, hesitating to return.  I'm left with as much ambition to write as I have answers for the questions that perplex me; why?

It seems as though every time my vehicular life starts picking up momentum, shifting out of those sluggish gears and cruising along, leaving behind a devastated fate behind in the dust..all of a sudden circumstance randomly jerks the wheel, and I am left to be flung from my seat, hurling out of control through the air, no control or understanding as it's happening all too quickly..only to hit the blockage in the road I was once travelling happily down...meeting the pavement one more time.

She once said I had horrible luck, yet she never did anything to help it out.

I'm not sure where what went wrong.  what i did. or what i didn't do.  why everything had to change.  especially when things were so good; to me at least.  She says I did nothing wrong, but that is all she could say, all she would say.  I just don't get how everything in my world could take a complete 180 in the blink of an eye.  For a better part of a month or so I was happy, I was living a good life, I had pretty much everything I've ever wanted.  It was good.  

Then, some occur lively events that don't even involve me, on the contrary, those events if anything would have solidified my existence in her life further...but it didn't work out like that....at all.   It's like your best friend wins tickets to a concert and for whatever reason doesn't invite you.  It just doesn't make any sense to me.

And it never will I suppose...I sit at night and try not to rack my brain over such things, but sometimes it's just impossible.  And to think it was just so easy for you to toss me aside, once again, with no justification, no explanation, no real sense of closure hurts even more.

I wish I could elaborate into more, but there's no sense to it...there's only one person that could make things right, and she's not listening.

"you can't just chop up a former relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like some sort of fast-food menu..."

Not a Song

free

dumb

Shit.just.got.real.

Sorry, I didn't write you a (love) song, but instead, you shall receive this media of emotion from me..maybe I'll write a sonnet, a haiku, or short story, but for now, this is my response.

Actually...I don't even have a response, I think I'm too outraged to even emulate a reply..however, this will be my riposte to that katy perry claptrap you call music.

**Just to give you an idea of how infuriated I am, I've, already, had to walk away and distract myself several times just to calm down.

And I know the classic line that I'm so vain I probably think that song is about me will fall from dull tongues - but when you know, you know...it's that sense, when you know you're being attacked..that sense when you know you're being talked at/to. Like when you're somewhere, anywhere there's people around, and though someone doesn't say your name, you know they are directing their words at you. It's not the, "hey you in the blue hoodie and Ray-bans" calling you out, it's more of a general "hey, blablabla".

And you almost freeze as you are doing whatever it may be; walking by, standing there, whatever, just thinking, wait, i don't know anyone here, surely that can't be towards me..yet you just know it is. This is one of those times, and though it may not be completely directed or 100% based from me, you can clearly hear my influence in the lyrics throughout the song.

It was proclaimed that despite my thinking my fast car will take me to freedom, i'm actually on a road to hell - if that were the case, I'd prefer a highway, and usually my fast car is fast enough to fly out of here, accompanied with a ticket or plan to anywhere.

And though you may think without your love all I have is a jail cell, well, let me correct you on that one..it's not without your love, because I'm pretty sure your love is what caused for whatever to happen, but mostly, your absolutely bat-shit craziness is what will give me that jail cell. It's not you falling out of love with me that does me harm, rather, it's you flipping a 180, turning your back, and making up horrible, malicious lies that will cage me in.

Ughhh, and there's more bullshit lines, but I just can't even justify a response to what sounds like some hollow, whiney little girl's attempt at revenge through music that was written by a 12 year old with the forced lines, stolen lyrics that sounded cool, and inaneness too unconvincing even for the pop world.

but don't take my word for it, you be the judge http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5KWKWW4kis

"sadly all those views are from my friends laughing at her..."

Accidentally I

sorry

not sorry

hashtag smiley face el oh el hey.

I don't know how I didn't come up with that phrase a long time ago...thinking on it now, I probably did, just never stuck around..and now it's a trending topic on twitter... And before I even get started, what the fuck has been going on with people lately - maybe it's just been an off week for some, but now that summer is here, let's try to roll it the eff together.

And I'm not sure if a certain person is trying to get me to post about them or what, because it sure as hell seems like it to me. SNP has been pushing all the right (or wrong depending on how you look at things) buttons, saying the things, creating a situation all on the ingredient list to fire up my fingers. It's a distraction that has my head displaced more than it should be, more than it can really take.

I'm always so understanding, and that's one of my biggest downfalls..because I let people get away with shit that no person really should. As much as a person I am to not have time for bullshit, being able to walk away from many situations that don't warrant any more effort on my part, it's not always the case. When it comes down to certain people, I unravel their "bullshit excuses" - as deemed by everyone else in the world - and acknowledge obstacles, shortcomings, and essentially collaborate justification for them.

But as the shit builds up, I'm left in a quandary - do I make it down to the lavatory, or do I just shit myself with this one right here. I never know what to do in those situations because by then, I'm in too deep. I'm emotionally pot committed, I swam too far out from shore and didn't save any for the swim back, to back out now would be even more devastating (to myself) than any problems I may actually be incurring in my own life.

There is never an easy answer for this. Backing out at any point to me seems like failure, and I don't fail here. I believe what makes it worse is the fact I believe in the propagandous alibis, the one's I should have said goodbye too long ago. Instead I excuse the excuses, erroneously eradicate reason, reason being is still unrevealed.

I pause.

"the sound the record makes as it changes to the next song..."

Five Hours Later

W

C

because you don't get it...

Well, I'm making this post a little late...it should have been posted last...err, this morning...but i went to bed shortly after everything, even though i wasn't tired..and in the morning..since when do i make morning posts?

So you get this now..i'll back track the time for the ninth...so Happy Birthday, this one is for you ;-) Did I just use a frickin emoticon in my blog, ugh..

Anyway...I wish I could say everything I wanted to...but obviously this catches your attention so I won't..last night, or this morning..or whenever we ended our conversation you wanted to know what was on my mind...For once in my life I did not want to make things awkward..for once in my life I fought hard on picking the right words to say, as to not say too much...which only caused me to sound unconfident in my words...

there was more..so much more...but that's neither here nor there...I want to say a lot..I want to tell you everything, but, I just can't. That ship has sailed, and I don't know how to swim back to you.

maybe one day..you'll know everything..maybe one day you'll see you like I see you..maybe you'll get it..but that's hope..and I never liked her

and now i have to be careful what i say in here..cuz i guess every now and then you read..and i don't want to ruin what we have.

if i can't have you as a lover, i'll take you as my friend..and if i can't have that....well

"ethereal"

I Think I'm Supposed To Do Something

but I won't

so deal

I'm too tired to give any fucks...

This will be short and sweet..I've got some things I should (probably not) say..I guess I said some things last night in a phone call...and I've been like a train raping these jokes.

Quick story: Last night...ok, back it up some more...Sunday morning I woke up and said, I'm gonna need (want) a nightcap tonight..such a weird request, especially so early...well, much later I made good on my request to myself and conjured up a drink..a horribly made make-shift margarita..but I drank it regardless. Of course after finishing that one, I needed something to wash that flavor out, so I made another, a different drink.

So 1am rolls around and the movie a friend and I have been trying to watch goes on pause for the millionth time - I make some callback to a scene that happened half an hour ago..this conversation then rears into anal sex - again, don't ask me how it got in there, it just did. So as the debate goes on, I naturally go to my anal expert...an ex-gf that has on multiple occasions, and with multiple men, allowed herself to be penetrated in the caboose (I am on that very list..)

I know what you're thinking, it's a horrible idea, but nobody's stopping me and I'm not sure why...but maybe they will in the future after they see how things go down in the end...The call actually starts off nicely, I get and leave a voicemail..sure it's 1am here, but it's 4am on the east coast, makes sense. I'm rambling about this and that, all is well, until..I don't know exactly what it was, but something just clicked in my head..maybe my "nice" reserves had finally been sucked dry, I had given this former friend too many chances..trying to make things work...

As the last bit of compassion was drained from my affable canister in the first half of that voicemail conversation, my attitude had to start drawing from somewhere else...that would be the pit of real emotion I had been biting back on. I don't even recall a transition, it just switched gears without hesitation. I mentioned how this person defriended a friend of mine, but at least that friend got a message as to why..me on the other hand, was left empty.

From there my words were drenched in sarcasm, thanking her for stealing my dog, followed by insults, to my breaking point. Still holding back from really letting go, for the sake of the company I was in, end it with "You're a fucking cunt" *laughter* **hangs up** And as I put down my phone I repeated that fulfilling line finishing with "I hope she enjoys that" - words of love, punch drunk.

No surprise I never got a response, but I was able to get that out there. And I may sound like a complete asshole, but again, I'm too tired for this, so if she cries herself to sleep at night because of it, I won't lose any myself.

none.

"A: Well, what did she do that was so horrible?

M: She just wanted to be with me?"

BBC,

the angry post you thought it was about

was not actually who it was

all that and more, coming up next

For lack of beter words, apparently I got carried away last night...but I think it was for the better.

There's nothing like having your crazy ex-gf decide to randomly cut of all ties with you for the hundredth time and also seeing another ex-gf look absolutely amazing...standing next to her douchebag boyfriend she replaced you with. All the troubles I've been adding into my list this weekend. I'm going to go off on a limb and say the stalker ex-gf that I have been doing my community service with has been doing what she does best, reading up on every little thing I shit out online. no, I'm flattered, don't get me wrong..some of my favorite exes are crazed fans of mine...(thanks for all the hits girls) But, it looks as though, they couldn't handle what I had to say, naturally. So enjoy my dog, you anal loving slut.

You may think I'm angry from that last statement, nah, just getting in my last laugh..ahhh, ok..maybe not last laugh, I'll be referencing that dognapper from here til eternity...but eventually she'll have moved onto cats..

repetition...the other lady, with whom still holds a place in my heart, is doing her best to find her way out..whether this is intentional or not I'm not sure...but then again, she knows me better than most of my exes so she must realize that being incomunicado is not the way I work. so maybe all is lost there as well.

It's a sad day when someone who cant give up on anything gives up on you. Imagine the sea just suddenly stopping from crashing into and kissing the shore after time and time again being rejected...obviously, you're a beach and I'm waving goodbye.

The advice you gave is coming back to bite you..but maybe that's what you secretly wanted all along..whatever, it's whatever...and as much as i can't stop thinking about you, i guess i need to..and that's why I'm selling the pony, it only reminds me of you..she never really was mine to begin with, and neither were you.

But it's nice to know that, even though your ex-girlfriend is sexier than sliced bre-wait..sliced bread isn't sexy..that makes no sense at all..hmm, ok..ex-girlfriend is sexy, go. So ok, it's nice to know that she's obviously the bread-winner in that relationship...and that anyone you don't ask will tell you that you're, or me rather, is a lot more attractive than her replacement guy...but all my exes love to pick uglier men..there's an actual collage of these accepted rejects, and it ain't pretty.

but I guess that just proves that looks aren't everything, at least to my exes..glad I'll always be the 'pretty boy' in their lives..that their kids will question years down the road and ask, "he's hot, why didn't you stay with him?!" to which their stupid mother will have to say something along the lines of.."because I'm a dumb whore Talitha."

Alright, now I'm just getting a little high on myself....but I mean it's hard not to when I have 100% of the audience polled giving the number one answer as, well, listed above...

I may be getting carried away again, and I may just be rambling..which is a horrible attempt to cover my exploits from last night...I'm posting real thoughts that shouldn't necessarily be on the internet..posts in the raw..call back anyone?

I'm supposed to be posting worthwhile shit every three days...this has been 4 posts in 24 hours..that's not productive, that's messing with nature...like, well, i'm too drunk to come up with the intellectual wording of it all, but those farms that create headless chickens..whatever, all that jazz...I'm just producing stuff to say I did something I guess, fail.

So there you have it..an update to a rant to an emotion that boiled over and burst through all the while still not coherent enough to know whether or not it was mother's day today or not..but that's a different story and we just met...

water anyone?

"I wished that you cared. I don't know if you ever really did and that's why i can't say "still."

Here

here...

you want this

here's your honest blog...

i even refrained long enough to do it in typcial jangus fashion...now excuse me while i vent.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

this is fucking bullsiht. so much stupud shit...fuck...fuck you...are you serious?! this is what I am left for...i cannot make words....yes i'm all hapopy for you, but really?@ this is stupid..i mash my fingers onthe keyboard to get a response..yeah. him?2 you're joking right?q mother eff....i sit there and see two sides of the sprctrum..but who the fuck am i..i mean honestly...this is what you come up with..you really are no better than anyone else in my fucking life....just toss you to the side with every other whore i've known..because some how you find someone better than me in that ugly tabernacle called your boyfriend..well, fuck all that..your face angers me bitch

i said it@!!!~

"did i fucking stutter?!"

Things Aren't Yesterday

Love..

Or..

Really bad times...

It's late, but of course I'm awake - spent the better part of the day sleeping, yesterday as well. However, yesterday did comprise of the restaurant debacle, with ourselves being asked to leave...and that was the first time we got kicked out of a Hooters...

Since I slept the day away yet again, I'll be up for all hours tonight..and I don't fancy that idea whatsoever...especially not after what happened an hour ago.

Let me take you back to late last night: in an attempt to throw off any desire of calling or texting certain individuals that shall remain shoeless, I did what any person in a similar position would do, text other people. Well, the list of those who received a text wasn't long, in fact it comprised of just one individual - someone that I've been longing to talk to just as much as the other, last hearing from them at about the same time in fact.

I had put off contacting said individual for the past two weeks only due to the fact I hadn't heard back in over a month, despite my random trials of communication with her. And last night must have been that breaking point, consisting of an appropriate of length of time since my last feeble attempt and correct level of consumption.

Fast forward to this afternoon where, after scanning over my phone to see the damage I may have caused, found only one number texted, and still nothing in return. It was about the time I started cursing the situation when that little Lo replied back, "Well hello." "Well hello indeed" I replied with text characters that hid both my excitement and directness. Unfortunately those tones must have been sent as well as I got back "mhm" as a form of a response. I followed up with more than three letters of my own, asking if, should the time arise, we could have one of our infamous catch-up calls.

No response. I sit there and contemplate if the lack of response was meant to denote a "No" or an implied "Yes", either way I'm left at the same place to not comeback.

Later, much later in the day, after one of the many naps I was enchanted with, I began my nightly rituals..you know, to get ready for bed. Lo and behold would you believe that while I was finishing up my shower I heard the sweet melody of my phone ringing, ringing that god awful 'hate ringtone' especially reserved for ex-girlfriends. It was her, naturally.

I called back moments later, and just like that we were talking, picking up the pieces like time never broke apart...it feels good to talk to her, it feels good to talk to someone who (I think) actually cares, it feels good to hear her voice. I don't know if it's the actual sound of her voice, or whether the tone and pitch throws me back to a comfortable place found a year ago; but whatever the affairs, hearing just the initial greeting brings a smile to my face. And as she tells me all about what's going on in her life, though I'm fully listening and following her stories, there's another sense that's taking over.

We go back and forth, everything is good, until...She asks me what makes me happy - "What is happiness to you David?" - of course I stay silent long enough for her to fill in with various things she still remembers that made me happy back then. After she feels fulfilled filling her list, she asks me again. I say, to be quite honest, and not in some lame fashion, you make me happy. She lets out the subtle aww which she quickly replaces with an apology...I am suddenly confused and ask her for just what reason is she saying sorry for - it doesn't make sense to me how a true statement, one that could even be taken as a compliment, could be misconstrued at that moment.

She reveals to me she is sheepish because she's no longer my girlfriend...she mistook my statement to mean something more than I had intended. I counter with obviously noting she's not my girlfriend, but I meant it in a sense that her being made me happy..having someone in my life like her made me happy..that she brings a smile to my heart. I didn't mean it in a wooful manner. I wasn't re-confessing my love for her. I was simply stating I enjoy her in my life, maybe wishing it was more frequent than the once a month hour phone call I get.

But maybe she was right all along, maybe she knew my intent without my ever being aware...because from that moment on, my heart was marching in a different step, with my head trying to join in.

The phone call ended shortly after that, but my thoughts waged on. The thought of sleep slipping quickly away as my head finishes second place in the race. And the well-being I came into the possession of thanks to buzz, has been substituted with a lonely, loving silence.

All the same, I miss that girl. A lot.

"she still doesn't know..does she?"

Hole in Your Seoul

The girls I've dated..
where are they now…

the stats don't lie

I had an interesting text conversation last night..and if I were to go off into one of my angry rants like I typically would, it would be obvious to the person whom I was talking about..among other things..that so much isn't the bother as the fact I had been holing off on a blog that..not necessarily foreshadowed things, but maybe it would have done just that.

Anyway, let's just go with it…

In the past I know I've pointed out how my exes have certain tendencies. Maybe I've mentioned little things in conversation..maybe I've hinted to things in blogs, but I don't think I've ever directly come out and made my allegations/theories/whatever out with a documented timestamp for all to see..let's begin.

The one that I'll reference the most is the "Next Guy Postulate" - which basically states the correlation of the breakup with me and the next guy said ex-girlfriend starts dating will be the one she gets engaged/married too (engage is stated because on several occasions the engagement did not make it to the married state so for statistical purposes it is listed as such) ((I think what's even worse is the amount of those guys with the name Jason..but because that's too much of a mind fuck I'd just like to overlook any of those findings..)). That's right, I am the Good Luck Chuck if you will..or as my friend Citron would say..the Ricker(?) (I don't know, she claims there's this movie that has a similar plot as Good Luck Chuck only starring the awesome Paul Rudd…I have to see this for myself…) ANYWAY - I have a pretty staggering percentage of girls that go from me to engaged/married..let's just say it's over the half mark..sadly close to the three quarter mark in fact…if you're not apart of that group, lord only knows what you are doing wrong…

What's even more awesome than that, somewhere in the midst of those statistics there's a name listed twice….twice you say, is this some sort of typo to inflate your stats..sadly, no. In fact she was my first "engaged" stat; after me, she met a guy, and got engaged not too long after that…for whatever reason that relationship ended and years down the road we met up again…only to have her leave me, again, for some other guy, with whom she is now married to..and has a child with. awesome.

The second fun fact I'll bring up almost as frequently as much as the first fact is "Exes Get Ugly Syndrome" or EGUS if you're tracking…This syndrome isn't limited to just getting ugly, but encompasses a much larger issue…fat. Yes Exes Get Fat and Ugly Syndrome…EGF(a)US..Ohhh, of course if you were to ask them what they felt about this, they will ALL admit that they are not the ones that comprise of this stupid accusation…little do they realize.

Come on..you look like a chubby, scenester lesbian…or you could look down and ask where did those Kanckles come from..apparently it's hard maintaining your weight after me…

So if those aren't bad enough, the next one is a personally kicker..and maybe I don't talk about it all that much, maybe because it's insulting to me, but..the guys those ladies choose after me are..gah, what's the word I'm looking for…horrible..a disgrace..an insult to me! You know, if you're going to leave me, the least you could do is find someone better than me..shouldn't be too hard right?

But that's never the case..most are, wait no, ALL are not attractive by any means…not once have I saw one of my exes currents and was like, "well fuck, she did it right this time.." and I'm not the only one to see this. Others, females, have chimed in to say things like "really? Him?.." You ladies pick some of the ugliest and stupidest guys you can find after me..you compromise yourself to be with this next guy..I mean what the fuck…

You have these ugly guys, who you claim are tall yet are shorter than me, who confuse your/you're (among others), who's texts are illegible, who's Asian without an Asian last name, who's IQ you question because they can't keep up in simple conversation, who cheats on you, who goes to jail for dealing illegal drugs, who himself is fat, who becomes forceful/beats with you, who does things-like drugs-that you have been opposed to all your life..these are the types of guys you pick to be with over me

what the fuck is wrong with you?!

it's ok though..I don't stress because I refer back to statistic number two: you're an ugly mess too (or about to be one)

This was not my intended angry rant I spoke of earlier, however, this has been an angry rant by your one and only..or should i say "you're one and only" maybe then you'll like me..








"You should make the update that you're in a relationship with my middle finger..because FUCK YOU!"

Happiness

A smile..
A feeling...

What is happiness to you?

This has to be a rarity - It's the morning, I've just woken up, I'm drinking water, and I'm about to blog, none of those fit the normal equation. (Mind you it's Superbowl Sunday and I should be out and about..) I've been meaning to write out some random stuff, but as I've always said, when things are good, what's there to write about? And then of course Thursday happened and by the time I got to the keyboard I was far too deep into my bottle to try and sort any buttons other than numbers on a telephone. But I will do my best to try and recap for you some of the events that bring us to now.

I suppose for the better part of two weeks now I've been in a pretty good state of affairs..it's funny how everything can be turned around with just a phone call. During these past two weeks, any woe that I was dealing with seemed to shrink in size; the stress levels were reduced, and work, well, that was bearable..

She was right, I am at my best when I am with someone else. For years I've always proclaimed that every man is and can be their very own island..that you should never build your world up around someone else's.. that you don't need self validation though some other's life. And while all this may very well be true, it doesn't necessarily work the best for some people, i.e. me?

What's even more striking is that a friend? ex-girlfriend once told me I cannot allow happiness to come from someone else..that I cannot rely on someone else to make me happy, that I should be able to make my own happiness...yet, here comes a different person in my life and says just the opposite - and this person is right.

My happiness is derived from being loved, wanted, needed, which is usually ascertained through someone else. Now granted I'm not saying any other person makes me happy, there were periods in my life, with girls whom I allegedly dated that I was not happy during so it is a case by case basis. In fact, I can only truly say that two, maybe three girls I've...can't say dated because one I never dated, so..known, that actually made me happy...all the other girls I had moments of happiness with sure, but nothing outstanding or prolonged other than that moment I created it.

Someone significant, someone else, someone important...It's my Bluebird of Happiness. Doing for others makes me happy, making others smile makes me happy, being there for someone makes me happy, having others rely on me makes me happy, making others feel a certain way (comfortable, whatever) makes me happy, hosting, being hospitable, lending a hand, the shirt off my back, trusting people, being trusted, making someone laugh, having a shoulder for someone to cry on, being that go to person..those are a few of my happiest things.

And like I said, it varies from person to person..I could list more things but then they'd be getting too personal and specific, so i'll just leave it at that. I was happy two weeks ago.

I miss that.








"happy happy joy joy"

Hate This and I'll Love You

makes..
sense...

because that means you read it.

Why is it when a girl and I break up, amoung all the nasty things they say, they all will utter in some disdained fashion that they will stop reading my blog - better question, of all the things they say, why is it that that phrase is the one that hurts the most?

Maybe they say it because they know that will hurt the most, because of all the things in my life it's the one true indicator of what's going on, knowing me as best as possible from afar. And should they stop reading it, boycotting it, or whatever then it's a form of "out of sight out of mind." If a girl ends all communication with me, we stop talking, hanging out, whatever but she reads my blog then it's not a question of whether or not she cares, or misses, or thinks about me. In fact, should a girl actually read my blog, she automatically gets extra points.

Another common thing right around the time of the breakup is how said female will ask me to stop writing about her or her new man or whatever...if there's one thing that makes me say "fuck you" it's telling me what to do. Obviously I write about things going on in my life, obviously some girl deciding to be a bitch and breakup with me is going to get mentioned at some point...and obviously people hate getting called out on things, so when they see their stupidity posted for the public to see, they get embarrassed and, well, here we are. I'm sorry that I posted you're a slut and like to cheat on me, or how your new boyfriend beats you...I'm just stating facts, soooo sorry...but yeah, people hate having other people able to see how horrible they really are...and besides, after the breakup it's not like they are actually going to read the blog any more...

So those who read, care. Those who take the time to go to a random website where i spurt off crap from my fingertips to the empty hallows that is the internet, those are the ones who keep me going through this. I have several friends who solely read my blog to "keep in touch" - as random as that is.

And for those avid followers who stick by me through thick and thin, who put up with this bullshit..i applaud you. I know this is not award winning literature here. Again, thank you.

If there was a way I could accurately know who visit my website..well, i don't know if that would make me happy or sad...would i see that Sealy in CA was here reading..or TNA from LA...if so i'd be happy...but i probably wouldn't...I'd just see TTB from IN over and over again, or heck, my own ID for that matter.

I'd just like to know I mattered after the fact, after all was said and done, I still crossed the minds of those whose lives I was apart of...

I don't want to be erased or forgotten...i'd rather be remembered and hated...








"do i ever cross your mind..do i?"