Like A Bandaid

once you start
don't stop

just rip it all at once

Maybe i'm thinking about pringles, "once you pop, you can't stop" either one works i suppose.  back to back posts, that's something we haven't seen in...too lazy to look it up.  Funny thing, I actually typed "too busy" instead of lazy...yeah, even my subconscious wants to make up excuses at this point.

I'm hoping if I type everything out that's in my head, it'll be clear enough for me to sleep.  But the more I type, the more I want to say...as if there's a constant amount of shit that needs to be filled in my head - and anytime one thing departs, another takes it's place.  Like my mind is some sort of weird nightclub where they are at capacity..and people can only get in if other people leave..or if they are on the guestlist...and right now, feelings of selfworth, defeat, and grieve are considered VIPs.

i'm taking on a new role..i'm taking the blame for my situation.  I've always said i am my own undoing, words never rang truer today.  i'm a horrible person - solidified by someone who's opinion of my i hold dear.  i've always wanted to believe in the propaganda that i was a good person..maybe i wanted to believe it more than i wanted others to believe it...maybe it was a front i pushed in hopes of actually becoming something i wasn't...but for the better.

to say i messed up is an understatement.  i knew i messed up, but i kept going, i kept things going, i kept trying and believing....kept trying in making something out of nothing at all...but my supply of air must have run out tonight.

now..now that my dirty laundry is being aired out, things can only look up from here, right?






"this is shit, isn't it?"

stijl

i miss her

so much

and she'll never know

I watched a video she made for me but three months ago

i'll never know what happened

I'll never understand

and I'll never let go of it either

i keep thinking this is some horrible dream

and i'll wake up

and things will be alright

we'd just be further down the road

someone's phone kept having your text noise go off

it made me anxious

it made me mad

but mostly it left me miserable

sometimes i just want to call you and tell you i love you

but i can't

and so i won't

and i'll never be able to

nevertheless

here it is

i love you

You Don't Need To Title This

the post i wanna make

is the post i cannot make

so screw it

All this combination of meds and alcohol is starting to take its grips on me, shit right now i see four red squiggly lines...crap. All i will say is, Sailor Jerry (SJ but not the real SJ) and whatever I'm taking do not mix..especially in the afternoon...was it even after noon.i don't think so...

Whatever..the unDEr PRESSure.....the paIn..the everything is weighing dOwn oN me and I'm starting to lash out. It's getting bad, at least today was.

I had been awake since 730, don't ask me for what, I just was. I needed to get my car to the shop so my radiator could be replaced - they opened at 8 so i started to get myself together hoping to be in and out..of course i get there 30 minutes after they open and some other motivated individual has beaten me to the punch. I wait in the lobby with my foot propped up in the opposing chair and start a new book.

Seven chapters and 80 pages later my car is ready, and it's about time because I'm starving. As i make my way back home I figure I better stop somewhere and grab a bit..of course all the meds i need to take with food are back at the house, so it looks like take out is my only option. Since today was cinco de mayo I figured I'd go with the festive flow and get some Taco Bell, that's being multi-cultural right? Get back to my place, dig in, pouring a little SJ into the Dr Pepper I got in my combo meal. I should feel better knowing I have medical personel on hand..

i stop caring. since i can't rely on fucking medical doctors to care about my condition, why should i. and since i don't care, i don't expect anyone else to either.

LAter I somehow find myself at the church down the road, the one i volunteer at, the mission. I hobble along, making conversation with those who spot me, despite my incognito disguise - sunglasses and crutches don't cover the eminence that is me I guess. I make my way from the sun into the dark and dimly lit temple..stumbling along the way to the end...

I kneeled down, slowly, bracing myself like one does going into a pool. Placing my crutches to my left my sunglasses fall back down upon my face, covering my eyes. i leave them there, little did i know that was the right thing to do. i shut my lids and have a conversation with, someone..it's mumbled audibly, so one could overhear it if one were next to me, however, it's mumbles so i doubt anyone could really make it out. I try to ask for strength, for help, but i can't..i just can't. I'm conflicted with so many other things that it'd be selfish to ask for any bit of help, even on this.

I having a dying grandmother, that the doctors don't know what's wrong with her, who has endured a lot - she's beat off cancer once before - She's in the right trying to fight off death while i'm in the left with this..i can only ask that things go well for her. And I pray for my other family members, people in my life, and of course, her. As crazy as I'll be called, I still pray that she's doing ok..that's she's happy, or at least being able to deal with whatever fucked up craziness she's conjured in her head.

All this brings me to tears, which is about the time I thank the glasses for falling onto my face. I slowly compose myself, grab ahold of the crutches to my left and stand up. I hop on down the long aisle, hit by various rays of sunlight emitting through the upper windows, and procede outside.

I think about everyone, think about how i'm systematically pushing everyone out right now. I think about my "chubby" nurse who flocks with the same pigs. How I haven't heard from her in a month now..probably because of something I said, calling her out or what have you..I think about my CBad friend I upset the night prior, never apologizing for the words I said, only saying "ugh" when I found out i hurt her feelings.

I think about my know it all bitch ass 22 year old friend who is currently mad at me..because i called her out, or something along the lines. I hope she's ok as well, though by her lack of calling me I'm to bet that her world is a hot mess - I've realized that during her lapses in communication she goes off the deep end, not contacting me because, as she puts it "i'll judge" - or in other terms, call her out on her bullshit and try to give her real world advice that she obviously doesn't want to hear. I'm the one friend she knows she can count on for that, and most of the time people won't show up on your doorstep until they crash into the bedrock...there like the Catholic version of friends...trying to find repentance a little too late, for me at least.

i go back to the car and continue reading..the irony of reading a booked entitled "God Hates Us All" at the mission..i don't have much else to do with the day, and keeping me away from my home means keeping away from my means, so it works out for everyone. Eventually I sober up and drive home..I don't write this post until much much later, because honestly..it would have been too much for anyone to read..and i doubt i would have posted it..

So there you have a fraction of the day's thoughts in a few lame words.

"Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn"

It's Cool...

I can use this title like a million times...
and still get away with it

because BOOM GOES THE DYN-

Oh whoops, sorry, but that last statement has been deleted...just like me..again..over and over again..deleted. Do i deserve such a fate, that's a stupid question....why did i just ask that..ugh, what am i supposed to say really..

why am i typing..who knows...maybe because i hope it'll make a difference, but if i just randomly jam the keys it'll be no difference than what i'm doing right now..

what happened in may, what happened in may...may...questions...ok

i am clearly making no sense what-so-ever, awesome. i feel like i need to keep pounding away on these little black squares or something bad will happen, ok, maybe not that extreme, but must..keep..typing...

i proclaimed a million and twelve things tonight..but the problem with being on the west coast is, i'm three hours behind those still awake over there..so when 1am rolls around for me here, i'm getting shit for responses out there. baH.

Yes, I capitalized that H, so what. I got an idea...how about you not delete me from everything and just talk to me...because that's what people do, right? why do you have to go to such drastic extremes when you won't be able to fully remove me from your life, your heart..we both know better...block me on this or that, take me out of the sidebar, whatever - as i said before, you can remove me from the physicalities all you want, however i will forever live on elsewhere - in memories in your head and your heart....

honestly, who are you trying to fool...ugh why does it feel like i'm blogging to an empty room...CAN YOU HEAR ME?! *echoes* awesome..i'm blogging for you and you quit reading...

maybe you really did quit me this time....maybe you really don't care anymore....









"fuck...now i'm really sad"

Just Nothing

when good enough..
..isn't good enough

putting the 'bla' in blue35tuesday...

I'm not feeling this...any of this...after a second day of libo, second day of (kinda) doing what I wanted, wearing what I wanted, being who I wanted to be, I feel blaaa. It was shortly after returning from the gym and eating chow when I felt this discontent with the world. This feeling would only grow on me as the night dwindled down to a close.

Maybe it was the fact of dealing with the engine/trans issues that have been lingering on since...after boot..maybe because my $20,000 vehicle has been sitting and rusting away since Feb of this year...maybe because even after all is said and done I won't have the money to deal with the shitty situation..maybe because this situation - as a whole - i mean everything -- is not to my liking.

I'm not enjoying my time in guard - the man who could turn any situation into something enjoyable is apparently losing his touch it would seem. I hate how we [guard] get blasted like we are still recruits..we don't get the freedom or privileges that even ITB is getting..and I hate fucking up

Getting called out on shit upsets me, not because those who are doing the calling out are picky sons-of-bitches that really need something better to do than take our their mommy neglecting them when they were children issues out on me..but rather because I failed. I hate failing.

All throughout my childhood I've always been in the top percent on anything I did (except swimming, but who the fuck cares about that...) I guess once my name got out that I wasn't the run-of-the-mill child I got away with more and more...Example was back in highschool, I was interested in applying for the Advanced Placement U.S. History class. In order to get selected you had to write an essay on a certain drawing or something along those lines, yeah, it as like an application process pretty much. Regardless I wanted to know what the course was like so I went and talked to the teacher for a little bit. After the discussion I decided that I would apply for the class. So one week later I turned in my essay and as I am doing so the teacher looks at me baffled..he asks me what I was handing him, I explain my application..to which he tells me that all I had to do is say I wanted in and I got it...

Here I haven't amounted to anything yet, and more than likely I will not make a career out of this...I actually see myself using my MOS skills and security clearance to become one of those defense contractors...and make six figures...Yes, money is the answer to 99.9% of questions and problems. I'm just trying to figure out what that other .1% is...

Maybe I'm beating myself up, maybe not...you are you're own worst critic they say. Well, maybe I'm not as harsh as my mother who said my blog wasn't anything worth reading - lol. Yeah she said this to me over my boot leave but in a conversation we had last night she doesn't recall it...I guess she reads this tripe and actually likes it...I can't think of anyone who really doesn't enjoy this little blog

Even you, yeah you..secretly reading away checking on my every move..seeing if I'm doing something else 'stupid' - welcome to the reality that is my life. You can read away..I'm just someone else, but a lot more interesting..and maybe if you were to actually know me..you wouldn't hate me? Of course I cannot make any guarantees on that, you either love me, hate me, or love me then turn to hating me. So I suppose anything is possible...you'll see, if you haven't already as you've read deep into my psyche, that I'm really not that bad of a person and I've never meant any harm..it's just a really fucked up situation and it's hard to make sense of it.

I hate sounding all emo and shit, and this blog really doesn't need that type of misdirection, but sometimes that's the only time I want to write...It may not be my best writing, but it's something out there...and I know not every day I can write, some days you're on, some days you're off - granted I'm on more often than not ;-)

I miss things..I miss photography..I miss TJ..I miss living my life.







"you always seem to make something good great"

It's Late

Never is too late..
unless that's what you want

so then there can't be this saying

I just watched a movie..and i probably shouldn't have done that - not because it's 2am and i have to be at work in..4 hours....but because of the movie itself. I have enough shit going on that I really didn't need to deal with that...I would have been better off reading Nausea.

I'm not tired..I don't even know what to do right now...i suppose I'll pack

*breathe*

people come and go from our lives all the time. Every now and then I like to look through old facebook messages, emails, etc..not necessarily for the content, but to see who they were from. It's funny how many people i can remember - before the facebook years - although their names are not there in my mind, their footsteps are.

I sometimes wish i could remember their names, look them up on FB, maybe friend them..see how they are doing..but what the fuck good is that, honestly. These people made an impression (all people make an impression, it just varies), but now they are gone...they won't be back, they aren't coming back...and for people like me, people hoarders, it's difficult.

I don't like to throw things away, my mother was a pack-rat and so am i...though I believe I am not nearly as a cluttered mess as my mother. Every once in awhile I'll come to my senses and throw some junk away - only to have it bite me in the ass later when I go looking for it because I finally need it.

Case in point: I was wanting to give a certain girl a t-shirt that I owned. I loved this shirt, obviously because I bought it, but it didn't fit me like I wanted it to. I held onto it because I knew one day, one day, I'd meet a girl that had a sense of style that was particular for this shirt. I ever let go of it in hopes of one day meeting this girl.

but apparently I did let go, of the shirt, and the dreams. And now as I sit here, i'm clueless holding these puzzle pieces made out of nothing.

i guess what it comes down to is, i've never been able to appreciate anything..in it's entirety. i love my car, but i don't know the intricacies of it..I've always wanted to break down every little item around me, but I want to do it naturally..I hate having to force things. I just want to appreciate things without being told to do so. To see things for more than face value..i suppose i can only do that in women.

sometimes i miss the women that were once apart of my life, other times i get upset at them for making me who i am today - for fucking me up early on, resulting in all the misfortunes and broken hearts to follow...causing all the pain and turmoil..the fears..the unwillingness to commit..to open up..to love..to love too soon...

you wanna know why i'm such a prick, why i've fucked you over, why i've made you cry...look at yourself in the god damned mirror and you'll see the reason..maybe not me personally, but the reason why some other guy is fucked up.

sure it's a two way street, but fuck.you. this is my time to talk, get back in the fucking kitchen.

sorry, that was Madmen speaking there...i started Season 1 today in light of the party I will be attending tomorrow. It's alright I guess, I finished the first disc...I don't particularly like hour long shows - except for MacGyver - but what can ya do

all this has gotten me nowhere..










"you're wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have to make a decision- catch a game or go to the movies"

I Feel Like Fucking Shit UP

i don't know for what
i don't know what about

i just think this is gonna be a ride, hold tight

I don't know what has gotten into me all of a sudden...at this moment right now, the fog clouds that once blocked the pathway for any logical idea have moved south, gaining strength, and are storming emotion in my chest - much like this odd late November thunderstorm we are having...

I don't know if it's a September leftover that just cured my migraine, or the fact that once you beat down somebody enough with so many different angles they burst back to life much like the Hulk - you don't wanna see him angry....well, I'M angry

Maybe it's the writing, my passion that broke through the pain, the pain of being stifled, locked away, hidden with no path to it...it wanted free, it wanted to be heard. nothing is as powerful as human conviction..i almost said nothing is as powerful as the human voice, but that would have been taken too literally..how about nothing is as powerful as the truth?

whatever...i'm losing it here, let's get back on...

there really wasn't a track, ever. Nor ever there will be, will there now? I haven't been drinking of this i assure you, despite the complete randomness of whatever it is i am saying

i want to say so much..i want tell everything as stories, poems, whatever but i know any attempt to do so will only look like i shotgunned my heart onto the screen. a mess of confusion. trying to sort out everything, the what goes where with whom is too daunting of a task...if it hasn't already been said, then it's already been buried for some time now...

emotions aren't time capsules for us to unlock later in life and reflect - rather they get sent to a landfill, where more shit gets dumped on top of them throughout the years in a forgotten area you can only see as you drive by on the freeway.

sad thing is, only over the course of time do we realize that we've been fools, emotions aren't biodegradable like we had hoped they were.










"you can run, but you can't hide..."

I'm not here to make friends
I'm not here to establish connections
even though it's all about who you know
i don't care

but i'm not here for me either
i'm not greedy
i just want to live my life

3am Confessions You'll Never Hear

the moments of clarity..
..at our most insane of times...

i can't sleep, enough said.

it's pushing after 3am and i'm wide awake, funny how just three maybe four hours ago i was ready for bed...actually, i was IN bed...yes it needed both the bolding and the caps. i'm merely distracting myself now, doing the one thing i hate the most while writing. focus..focus...

i can't really focus because my mind is mush, bouncing from one intangible to the next. Bob Dylan said never look back, i find it easier said than done...actually, everything is easier said than done when you think about it - i ask of you to try and prove me wrong on that one, i do not have enough energy, devotion, or time to ponder myself, so i continue...it's actions that speak louder than words (unless you have a microphone hooked up to a sound system, then that could get loud...)

i can say all day that i would go sky diving....but until i do, those are just words - and sure sometimes all we have from people is their words, but as we all know, people's words are as good as the breath they are spoken from. (i like it when people chew gum) all people's words do is give you a false sense of security, actions prove (or disprove) their words.

i'm highly off subject right now, as i said, my mind is not anywhere i want it to be. this post will be found too late, nobody will check this in the next couple of hours, and by then, well, we will have wrote history....for the better i am hoping..this is like one of those suicidal cries for help that is left on a voicemail..only to be found much after the fact by the person who said, damn, i always miss their call - i lol'ed. of course, none of this makes sense right now...and i'm not even sure it makes sense to me honestly.

i may be known for saying the truth, setting people straight, calling it like i see it, telling it like it is..but why is it when i want to tell these "truths" that they can't be said, or they won't be heard, or if all those work, it still won't matter in the end. it's hard to get closure when people shut you out of their lives. but then again they say, better late than never?

this writing thing sure is fun..this is probably one of my more chaotic rants, and it never really even eluded to anything at all, but i definitely am enjoying it...maybe it's the daily posts i have to write for school that are making this post possible - did he just say school?! - holy balls i did...i guess i don't update this thing as much as i should..yeah i go to school, yeah it's online classes, yeah what of it.

i made a move, it's beyound risky, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. this, and these, will be the next defining points in my life..and that's a little messed up to say. with all that stress piled on me, it's no wonder i can't sleep and my mind has turned to cottage cheese, without the syphilis of course.

i'm nervous..and i can't sleep...i'm afraid...and i can't sleep..i fucked up..and i can't sleep..i'm doing everything i can..and i can't sleep...and it may not be enough







"can't sleep, clowns will eat me..."








P.S. i just tried to label this post...yeah, i think i got carried away...

Friends on a Sunday

nothing..
concise..

wasted time from the wasted gift

today was another one of those lazy day sunday's i spent the most of the time entertaining myself. i have to credit my childhood for my ability to now, as an older child, taking care of myself and handling situations like these. as an only child i entertained myself with toys and video games. i used to draw, watch a lot of TV and movies, spent some time reading the ten page books or flipping through my encyclopedias - note i still hold my aesop's fables as my favorite book, and carry it around with me in my bookbag, ask to see it.

probably one of the most traumatic things while growing up had to be the gift selection come Xmas or birthday time...i remember year after year receiving countless board games, or any other multiplayer thingie. what the fuck was i supposed to do with these games..i didn't have siblings to play with...my parents never wanted to play anything...i didn't live in a neighborhood with many children, let alone children my age, and the few that were around i never had over...i'm not asking for pity here, i just want to know the reasoning behind those gifts..gifts that sat on the shelf that soon were to be given away to other children...thankfully they got it right and bought me something i could play by myself, enter the NES.

throughout the years i've made many friends, lost many friends, fell in love, fell..back in love...there's always been a group of people around, but i'm feeling as if the number is getting smaller and smaller the older i get. with all of today's technologies keeping in contact should be a cake-walk...but maybe it's too easy...too easy to ask someone what's up..is it because we really don't care?

i need a break from blogging..i just finished yesterday's post and i'm already working on today's..a little drained and needing some fuel i think i'll head out and get some things..gatorade is on sale at the grocery store for a price that's almost cheap as free, better stock up. as i start to pick out the colors i like i look around down the aisle noticing almost everyone is on their cell phones...i start thinking about everybody i've ever known.

life is all about who you know, networking. that is my final answer...granted i feel as if i have learned that lesson a little too late, as i have burnt every bridge i've ever came across...whether it be contributed to my fault or theirs, the past is in the past and there is no looking back. Bob Dylan once said "never look back" and so i drive my car without a rearview mirror...it's my first step to achieving that spiritual way.

i finish filling up the box with assorted gatorade and start making my way to the checkout. i've always been an all or nothing type of person - there's got to be something better than in the middle, well, i believe that to be true...if the middle is as close as you're ever going to get, if the middle is where you'll forever be but you don't know that and you keep trying...i'd rather just walk away...it's black and white, either you're mine or you're not..

i scan the last gatorade and put it back in the box...if only i was able to do the same with all those people i refuse to speak to, or vice versa, all those wasted opportunities, all those bridges...where would i be now...but i guess that's me, all or nothing strong headed jerk...

i relate mostly to tj who said, as he grew older he was tired of the 'making new friends' shtick...this coming from the guy who made friends with everyone...but i understand where he was coming from for i am the same way...granted i'll be the first to go up and talk to a person or a group, be that social butterfly/engineer...but in the same sense, i just don't have time for people after that..it's like the idea of being in love with the idea of falling in love...after that initial spark is over, you're on to find something else..

my trip to the grocery store was quick, now i'm off to find some food made fast...just like any of my relationships or covert missions...get in, get out.










"Keep a good head and always carry a light bulb"

Untitled

bacon..
..tits..

and every other random thing that is passing through my mind right now...enjoy?

it's a friday and i don't work, i didn't work last friday, that was my last day off, it's nice to have days off...i did laundry today..while it was drying i sat out on the patio of the clubhouse and continued to read Waiter Rant..i think i scared away a potential hottie because i was there...we both looked up at the same time and she kinda froze in her tracks, then turned around, lame.

on top of that my plans for tonight were canceled, ugh...i just wanna go putt-putting and see a movie..things you cannot do alone...what did i used to do as a child, watch tv? i feel as if i should do something more now that i am older...ugh, older...maybe i am doomed to having a peter pan syndrome...who needs to grow up, seriously? it's not that i don't want a 9-5 job, be settled down, have kids and a house...i just don't want to give up my sense of humor and childishness...

cpydi made a blog the other day how 'i never treated her right' in regards to me making her smell any and all of my bodily odors - for the record i love the way my saliva smells on me..and if it smells good on a girl, or she likes it, we are meant to be...so far i've only found one girl it smelled perfect on...

i got distracted and starting reading old posts..i think i was trying to find something, somehow i ended up in march of 2006...my older posts make me laugh...i have forgotten all the details about the unforgettable nights, good thing i wrote them down...hopefully i'll laugh at these in three years..

three years ago, march of 2006 was when tj and i started hanging out...the whole reason how we got together was because him and his girlfriend broke up, allowing him to then go out..and replace the void that she created..enter me...only after a year or so of trying to get him to come out with any of the OOGG crew..we were like family, and to have someone not spend time with us was not normal. he's been gone for 2 weeks now and i still have yet to cry. the first real person in my life to die, other than my dog, and i got nothing...i cried more for my dog...does that make me less of a person..maybe because it was expected, since February we knew it was coming...but does that make the actual passing any less traumatic...it shouldn't

who booby-traps their door?! so phil wants to move out to back home order to save money so he can afford to buy an engagement ring and house for his soon to be fiance-person....i think it's a great sentiment (if you believe in the sanction of marriage and aren't afraid, lol) but in the same breath i almost want to say, how does that resolve the deeper issue you are trying to solve..you want to save money and become financially responsible by taking away all financial responsibilities off of you..

sure i can save up for a house too, if i were to live out of my car and be homeless..i guess i would respect that more actually, falling back onto your parents is, well, not responsible - way to be an adult...sure they should be there to help you out and all..maybe i'm more jaded...maybe because i've been on my own since 19, i've been homeless, filed bankruptcy, everyone has turned their backs on me from friends to so-called family...let me tell you, blood is not thick than water, and it runs down the drain all the same...

it's nearing 8 and i can hear the thunder rumbling...two hearts are beating together echos through my apartment...why do i always have stupid love/breakup songs playing when i'm alone, the ipod must be on the wrong playlist...

i wish that kat would have been for reals about escaping this weekend..i'd much rather be landing in cali three hours behind time now staring out into the pacific ocean granted it's the same temperature..there's something about going somewhere else that allows you to leave your baggage at the terminal, waiting for your return flight. the plan would be financially stupid, but mentally healthy..whatever, you can't take it with you..

as i am reading i am writing this blog...remember when i was supposed to go back to UofM in the fall of 2006....remember when i was supposed to go back in the fall of 2009..for that matter, remember when i was supposed to return in the fall of 2002, or 2003...it's one of those things i'll never get to do that i'll keep fighting for while ignoring the signs that are telling me i'm not supposed to do it...

wait, what's the difference between a sign and hurdle? don't people follow their gut instinct anymore..don't people have gut instincts anymore...aren't people spontaneous...i want those days back...if i could turn back time

i swear all these ramblings could each be their own dedicated posting...










"pizzas..ice cream..vanilla coke..pop rocks...this is what i buy when i'm at kroger, i am a kid?!"