This Fucking Cunt

oh this little cunt,

i wouldn't worry about this little cunt

a story about other bitches being crazy

Not sure where to begin as my mood has changed drastically since finding the recent onslaught of insults posted not too long ago. But i'm going to write this, since I know you read this, though you'll probably take a slight hiatus since i called you out on doing such a thing..but here we go.

Actually, I'm still not sure where to begin...you only check my blog to "make sure I'm not being creepy, yet obviously I am"...this statement alone befuddles me, because, now I may not be 100% accurate, but I'd be willing to guess I've never talked about you on here - and just to cover my tracks, if I ever did, it was a long time ago,well before anytime recent..again, if you were ever mentioned. Don't flatter yourself, even as much of a bitch you were, you obviously weren't worth my two minutes of typing.

And delving further with the don't flatter yourself theme...i also didn't talk about you, or talk to people about you, or try to..whatever it is you think. Get off yourself, you're not that fucking special. I think I mentioned something about you one time, this current year, but that's because your name was already brought up..wooooooooooo.

You act like we never talked, or weren't talking for a period of time, or that you asked me to send you a christmas present last year..

Yeah, did I confuse readers now..ok, break for a second. I'll make this brief, so this fucking cunt and I used to talk not too long ago, yadda yadda, then the calendar anews, and like the previous year, she's gone too. Naturally I'm confused, it's as if she got what she wanted, and then ran. I didn't put too much stock into the situation, clearly I had more important things going on..and though we had no personal interaction, I noticed this person still reading my blog...finding that odd I eventually brought it up one day in conversation when somebody else is talking about her..just trying to get a sense of understanding...still coming up empty handed. After that I just let it go, not thinking much of it, not really caring because it was just random and I ignored it. Then I make one comment on twitter and the whole world comes crashing down - i saw lyrics, i replied with the next lyrics..apparently that was cra-zay (said in highpitched voice) and here we are...

So you can take your childish ways, bitch-ass accusations, this ego-centric everything is about you mentality, and get the fuck out of here...leave me alone. Once I saw you were flipping cup and bat-shit crazy, I blocked you, removed you from everything I could..realizing you were just going to bring harm into my life..i don't need that. You're the monster here, not I.

This is the first and last post about you, there's the door, fuck off.

"she must spend a lot of time putting all that make-up on those two faces of hers..."

Can't Think..

clowns will eat me..
wait, what...

i should probably just go back to bed..

I'm not sure really what to say...I'm glad I didn't blog earlier after i awoke from my slumber because that would have been a very sad sack of words..not saying i'm not feeling down right now, just, trying to ignore the pain..kinda like closing your eyes when you're lost - it won't make a bit of difference, but maybe you won't be as nauseous.

i don't know, my thought process is a little jacked up right now.

I literally took twenty trips to the bathroom to get my Service Bravos ready for tomorrow. Each time taking in one item..I didn't realize it until i was almost finished..it annoyed me then.

I just took a shower..after getting in i reached for my soap bottle and i started to question myself, had i already taken a shower today..i came to the answer of no, and i'm still going with that..but in the process of trying to figure it all out, my normal routine went to hell..

i had mexican for dinner tonight.

this is the third time i wrote "went" as "whent"

none of this is making any sense i assure you.

In the process of figuring things out, i'm losing my mind

this is troubling..









"i'm gonna hit 'Publish Post' and probably do something stupid..."

I'm Losing My God Damned Mind

Yeah..
you heard me..

you know the shit is real when i use the GD...

Ugh, I have Good Day, and I have Bad Days..but the positioning of the scale is shifted from the norm...instead of Good being good, Good is rather Ok...which makes Bad shift as well, from Bad to Fuuuuuuck This Shit....or something like that..I am a visual person as you all know, so of course if I were to do this rant for you in person I would have had a full power point presentation with graphs and shit...

Anyways...As I was saying, I feel like on my good days certain facts don't bother me...i get by, all starts looking up...maybe because that's monday and i just had a nice conversation the night prior...then Wednesday comes along, and in those three days, work has built up, text messages go unanswered, and i'm just counting down the days til....actually...i don't even know what i'm counting..whether it's up or down..i look forward to the weekend, but there's no purpose to the weekend.all that means to me is i don't have to get in trouble at work for two days...and if not that then i'm counting up the days i don't hear from you, but in all actuality, "up" denotes a positive action...this couldn't be further from the truth...

my mind works in a horribly vicious way..it assumes, goes to the extremes, has an imagination on it's own level of intricacies i myself can't even explain. Something as simple as a picture will make my brain go into hyper overdrive, halting my world, and only causing pain there forth.

Example: My ex-girlfriend posts a picture and I go crazy...reason being what she's wearing..no nothing scandalous but rather a beanie...ok, backstory: A long while ago I was perusing the many pictures she's sent me and I noticed the beanie in one of them...loving girls in hats I asked her about it..she searched for it, wanting to wear it for me, yet could not find it..she never came across it again...i guess until today that is...and in my twisted world, I would think (and here's me over-thinking per usual) that if she were to find said beanie, take picture with said beanie, that she would have sent the picture to me with a caption "look what i found" - I mean, that's something totally legit that happens..i believe i've gotten and sent out similar messages in the past.

Now i don't want to go into the whole argument with you about how she's an ex and so forth..we still talk, we still send pictures, we text/call/whatever..it was situational and i'll go more into this some other time..so, for the sake of this argument, treat her like a friend, not a girlfriend.

So at this, i've got nothing - i could point out that i hadn't heard back from her in a couple days from our last text so this would have been an appropriate ice breaker..but i've got nothing..it's actions, or rather non-actions like this that make me question every single thing..every single written word..everything.

And these are the thoughts that trouble me...sure i tend to over-analyze things, but, it's kinda hard to see things for what they really are when...what they really are is not what you think..

This isn't Hell, it's far worse..it's relationship purgatory.






"She wants to fall in love with you but she's afraid of getting hurt, afraid of lies, and afraid she'll end up with only tears in her eyes.”

IDK

i don't know..
i don't know..

i really don't know...

I feel like I should write, it would help me not be so stir crazy right now...but i know if i attempt to write, the writing will be all over the place with scattered thoughts, shattered dreams, and broken hearts.

I honestly don't know what to say here..it's like i have so much to say, so much i just want to vent about, to shed a tear about...and i've already talked to so many people about what's been going on..i don't know what else to do..everyone has a different take..for once i'm listening to other's advice, trying to figure out what's best..because..this time..i really really care about what happens...

I want what's best for everyone in the situation...and i'm hoping, hell, i'm praying that what we both want is the same thing....right now those wants and desires are a little skewed, not the same, but i'm hoping things get sorted out, and soon.

i could spill my heart here, but i'll hold back on that for a moment...right now i'm still in a shocked state..things haven't hit me as strong as they will say, tomorrow..but i have definitely been going crazy over here...

i want her to text me, call me, email me, something...saying she's sorry that she had to do this, but it was only to be closer to me..or something...heck...i'd take just a text saying "hi", then I would know I'm on her mind..

i want to let her know she's on my mind..but i want to respect the space she wants too..she should already know i think about her constantly..but i don't want the lack of my texts to make her think otherwise..i wish she would read this..

i'm going crazy without her...and in my head, my horrible world i create, she's perfectly fine..it's as if i was erased from existence..that's probably not true..but..what else am i to think..she said she didn't want to be with me..

ugh..please come back









"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." ~ Sophocles

Stir Crazy

Not the noodle place..
the place of mind...

that only things place can cause....

ok..ok....ok. It's not even been a week and I'm already going stir crazy. My day consists of doing a lot of nothing, consuming a lot of time, which only moves slowly...getting less sleep than normal (for me) and not having an outlet of any of this balled up energy..

Even the internet has lost its luster..it's that bad.

Here is the run day of my day...long five hour shifts. Let's say this...lights are at 5am..we do a morning clean up, head to chow...it's 0630 and it's now time for my first shift: Fire watch. A five hour shift where I roam around the squad bay..trying to keep busy by constantly making racks, sweeping, picking up trash, texting, not watching TV, whatever...

Now it's 1130 and I switch over to Standby...this is when I can take a nap, get on my lappy, do mindless things, as long as I stay up front just in case QRF (explained in a second) needs us..five hours pass..sloooooooooowly.

it's 1600 time for chow for thirty minutes because at 1630 I'm on QRF - Quick Response Force...this is where it gets the worst...I have to sit in these desk chairs for five hours, not getting up, or falling asleep, or using electronics, or doing anything that would virtually keep me from wanting to suck start my M16A4 Service Rifle..there's a TV in front of us that is constantly playing movies or shows..but the variety sucks and I can never find it in me to watch...the Boondocks, as hard as I try it's just not quality stuff being shown..

After those five hours the cycle starts all over again...maybe this time on post I'll be on firewatch, or rover, or front post, or routes...something for five hours...followed by standby for 5, followed by QRF for five...these are my days

I have a rack..somewhere in the back of the house, but I never get to sleep in it..I have spent more time in my wall locker getting stuff in and out than I have spent in my own bed...my own bed is available to sleep in during my liberty...which we get every two to three days of working...it's a very daunting process...

And with all the fuck-ups we've been having lately our liberty keeps getting secured, aka taken away...why just this morning I got in trouble for "not being on my post" last night. it was the 2130 to 0230 shift I had firewatch...I was up, i was awake, i was patrolling the squad bay..heck I have witnesses that can testify that I was doing my job...but because the stupid fucking scribe "couldn't find" and can "never find me" I get blasted for not being on my post..

I tried to explain my case and present the evidence but it was too late, my NCOs already got the message...I love it..I get in trouble for roaming like i am supposed to do..not sitting on my ass watching the TV like every other firewatch..at no point did anyone call out my name looking for me, heck i even passed by the other fire watch members...and how the fuck can you not see me, I'm in an orange road guard vest for crying out loud!

whatever, this is lame...I cannot even begin to imagine that I have to be here for another four weeks..five weeks whatever...August First will you just hurry the fuck up so I can go to school or something...

I need something to do..







"Scribe - I looked for you last night and I couldn't find you..
Me - Funny because I had the same problem, except the only difference was I was walking my post..I didn't see you around anywhere"

I Feel a Blog Coming On

Over.
Due.

Like that library book i took out in the sixth grade...

Why is it that whenever I have something to say, want to share it, I'm no where near/have access to my lappy...ugh, hopefully those times are behind me as I have successfully completed both Boot Camp and MCT...

I'd say the time I needed it the most though, has been in the past month - I've only been shyly burying my feelings away into other activities...digging holes, firing weapons, you know, routine stuff.....but in all honesty field week is what gets to me.

There is no way I'd be able to ever be a grunt..not because it's physically enduring and whatnot, I got that shit...it's what the field does to my head while I'm out there. I of course am basing this off the two times we've had to spend more than 3 days out in the wild..

For whatever reason, as I sit there in my fighting hole, my brain switches over into this existential, Sartre-esque overload of thinking..crazy thoughts, questioning this or that, trying to put things into perspective...it's a lot of reflection from muddy waters.

by the third day of it I'm at edge, irritable, and easy to anger - maybe that's the warrior coming out of me like my drill instructors wanted - to me that just means i need to stay far away from that....unless..unless of course I want to write some crazy shit, then I know exactly what to do....

bring my lappy, walk out into the middle of nowhere, make a sleeping ground, and flick my fingers away....

if only there was a power source way out there because lord knows the battery life on this mac sucks beyound all comprehension...

I need to get caught up, I need to get my writing back up to...coughparcough.

this is the first of many...to be continued.










"each passing moment i become more and more angry that i didn't bring my phone out here..."

Untitled

bacon..
..tits..

and every other random thing that is passing through my mind right now...enjoy?

it's a friday and i don't work, i didn't work last friday, that was my last day off, it's nice to have days off...i did laundry today..while it was drying i sat out on the patio of the clubhouse and continued to read Waiter Rant..i think i scared away a potential hottie because i was there...we both looked up at the same time and she kinda froze in her tracks, then turned around, lame.

on top of that my plans for tonight were canceled, ugh...i just wanna go putt-putting and see a movie..things you cannot do alone...what did i used to do as a child, watch tv? i feel as if i should do something more now that i am older...ugh, older...maybe i am doomed to having a peter pan syndrome...who needs to grow up, seriously? it's not that i don't want a 9-5 job, be settled down, have kids and a house...i just don't want to give up my sense of humor and childishness...

cpydi made a blog the other day how 'i never treated her right' in regards to me making her smell any and all of my bodily odors - for the record i love the way my saliva smells on me..and if it smells good on a girl, or she likes it, we are meant to be...so far i've only found one girl it smelled perfect on...

i got distracted and starting reading old posts..i think i was trying to find something, somehow i ended up in march of 2006...my older posts make me laugh...i have forgotten all the details about the unforgettable nights, good thing i wrote them down...hopefully i'll laugh at these in three years..

three years ago, march of 2006 was when tj and i started hanging out...the whole reason how we got together was because him and his girlfriend broke up, allowing him to then go out..and replace the void that she created..enter me...only after a year or so of trying to get him to come out with any of the OOGG crew..we were like family, and to have someone not spend time with us was not normal. he's been gone for 2 weeks now and i still have yet to cry. the first real person in my life to die, other than my dog, and i got nothing...i cried more for my dog...does that make me less of a person..maybe because it was expected, since February we knew it was coming...but does that make the actual passing any less traumatic...it shouldn't

who booby-traps their door?! so phil wants to move out to back home order to save money so he can afford to buy an engagement ring and house for his soon to be fiance-person....i think it's a great sentiment (if you believe in the sanction of marriage and aren't afraid, lol) but in the same breath i almost want to say, how does that resolve the deeper issue you are trying to solve..you want to save money and become financially responsible by taking away all financial responsibilities off of you..

sure i can save up for a house too, if i were to live out of my car and be homeless..i guess i would respect that more actually, falling back onto your parents is, well, not responsible - way to be an adult...sure they should be there to help you out and all..maybe i'm more jaded...maybe because i've been on my own since 19, i've been homeless, filed bankruptcy, everyone has turned their backs on me from friends to so-called family...let me tell you, blood is not thick than water, and it runs down the drain all the same...

it's nearing 8 and i can hear the thunder rumbling...two hearts are beating together echos through my apartment...why do i always have stupid love/breakup songs playing when i'm alone, the ipod must be on the wrong playlist...

i wish that kat would have been for reals about escaping this weekend..i'd much rather be landing in cali three hours behind time now staring out into the pacific ocean granted it's the same temperature..there's something about going somewhere else that allows you to leave your baggage at the terminal, waiting for your return flight. the plan would be financially stupid, but mentally healthy..whatever, you can't take it with you..

as i am reading i am writing this blog...remember when i was supposed to go back to UofM in the fall of 2006....remember when i was supposed to go back in the fall of 2009..for that matter, remember when i was supposed to return in the fall of 2002, or 2003...it's one of those things i'll never get to do that i'll keep fighting for while ignoring the signs that are telling me i'm not supposed to do it...

wait, what's the difference between a sign and hurdle? don't people follow their gut instinct anymore..don't people have gut instincts anymore...aren't people spontaneous...i want those days back...if i could turn back time

i swear all these ramblings could each be their own dedicated posting...










"pizzas..ice cream..vanilla coke..pop rocks...this is what i buy when i'm at kroger, i am a kid?!"

An Off Day

this day didn't start til
when most people's days end..

i stayed over at the apartment last night and didn't do anything all day long...it was my day off, and i keep using that as my excuse to be a sloth, as if i do sooo much as it is...i really need to get on the bus (rosa)...evening came and everybody was finally in the house at one time. i had only been talking about dinner for the past couple hours, now that everything was conjured up we could finally make a move..onto subway, because for some reason i made a mention of it a long time ago..and the parody of the 'five orgasm night' song is still being sung throughout the land..

as we are heading back to the apartment, subs in tow, i get a call from Lady O - my plans for tonight are tentative with her, so this call is kinda huge....we've only been trying to hang out since we hung out last month ago...crazy schedules and poor communication could be to blame, but here we are..she's just getting ready, asking me what outfit she should wear (i obviously pick the one with the skirt..), and tells me she wants to go to a martini bar..aka niki b's...

so now i got a slight problem with the timing...i need to shower and get ready, and i still have yet to eat...that's not so bad if not i weren't bringing Gary...he has to do all the same i do, i just know he will take twice as long to complete it all...so we down our subs and i head to my place...i quickly shower and change into a blazered outfit and wait...and wait..

eventually he arrives and he make the two mile trip downtown. right before we go to Niki's we make a stop at our restaurant, one of the hostesses wanted to borrow my eyeglasses for whatever reason, and because she is so cute i willing obliged. as we walk in the door we are greeted by the two cutest hostesses at out workplace, the one i am dropping my glasses off with is not quite old enough to join us at the bar, but the other - Hillary - is, and she somehow gets invited to join us after she gets off...

from there it was on to Niki's where we find Lady O and her roommate sitting on one of the plush couches...the night is awkward, even with the arrival of Hillary and Keith...Lady O just doesn't have time for me..i don't know if it's because we both quasi-dated a long time ago, because we are both very attractive people hanging out, because we both got out of one year relationships or just what...i knew going into tonight there would be no fireworks, when asked what my intentions were, i had none, i even told Joy i wasn't getting laid tonight....this is purely, yet uncomfortably platonic...

i think my favorite part of being at niki's was when Lady O and her roommate were heading home, the roommate feeling pretty good and Lady O just plain out tired, the roommate while standing in front of me as i sent them on their way asked Lady O if i was coming with them...i quickly headed that one off before it got too unbearable and said "i'm not that lucky, goodnight"...even as the last syllable was coming out of my mouth i couldn't believe what i just said..ohh well, goodnight..

after Lady O left everyone joined me on the couch i was originally on, the couch where i now sat alone..three people hopped over and for some reason offered their solace to me, trying to cheer me up, feed me with positive lines of encouragement that Lady O was actually interested..i'm not blind or stupid..i know better and i told them that...i wasn't looking for pity, not yet at least...

a few of us are hunger so we decide to blow that Popsicle stand and head over to my favorite place, Vito's..entering the doors to Vito's we see two more people we work with..i try to grab a table away from the two co-workers, but it's not happening, we joined in with them...now, it's not that i don't like my coworkers..it's just that i had a large enough group of coworkers that i didn't want this to turn out to be an all restaurant affair..it truly started with just Gary and I meeting up with Lady O and her roommate, now it's everyone we know to love and hate..every single day...

normal conversation goes about, pizza is ordered - of which i have only two slices of - and then something gets said to me....something about the ex, something about breasts, something...and then the alcohol kicked in and i was depressed...i wasn't drunk, i was fine with the amount i had consumed, but my thoughts had a different idea, and like a building comes crashing down, my cheerful self was lost in a cloud of confusion.

i stepped away from the table and went into the bathroom - i needed to take a moment to step out of the situation i got myself in..i needed some fresh air (the irony of using the bathroom..), just needed to remove myself from the group for a moment...splash some water on my face and bang my head against the wall...i'm interrupted by Keith who comes in the door...i towel off and he starts asking me if i am ok...i know people are concerned, but it's never music to my ears to hear that....i tell him i'm not as we continue our conversation out the bathroom and into the hallway...

while talking to the side of the hall, a lady comes out of the woman's bathroom, makes a wide turn and walks into us..like, actually into us. i'm confused, and out of nowhere Keith comes out swinging, social engineering style...he starts talking to this girl, telling her some randomly elaborate story, we are brothers, and it just continues...i haven't had anyone start this game in forever...i miss the days of ole when ZB and i would have fun doing this...this brings me back..i interject and play the game right back...it feels good to be back...after the girl leaves us, giving us both a kiss, Keith is amazed at how well that went...apparently he tries to do things like that all the time, but nobody will ever play back like that, until tonight...this brief moment of greatness swooped me right out of the depressive state i was starting to tread in...

back at the table we are finishing up the night, last call, take some shots, let's get the bill..well, here's where the problem starts...the bill for the four of us is $100..unfortunately we didn't sit at the bar, so our waitress had to ring everything in, normally we would get the hook up...not so lucky tonight..but the discrepancy starts when we look at the bill and see us being charged ten bucks for vodka, and four bucks for redbull, as two separate drinks..not as a vodka redbull...whatever, i don't care, dispute it all you want, my shit is easy..i put down my money and walked away...

well, Keith has had too many, and he's bought too many for others...he doesn't realize his bill is cose to 2/3 of the total bill..but only throws down 1/4 of it...so he knows there's an argument about the bill...i hate when the bill comes...so he goes over to the waitress and starts hitting on her...telling her to give him a call if we don't hook her up as he writes his number on a napkin...cooool, he just threw his coworkers and friends under the bus saying we don't know how to tip...i'm pissed now..i tell the rest at the table we need to get the fuck going, th bill finally gets paid, it's an embarrassing ordeal as Hilary questions the bartender about the prices..i just want to go...

so as we are on our exodus word gets to Keith that we only left ten on a hundred..that's got to not be true...we all work in the service industry, somebody's pulling one over here...so Gary and Keith are exchanging words, i know Gary threw in extra money as he tried to get the bill straightened out and paid...it's all a bloody mess and Hilary asks me to walk her to her vehicle..gladly...i take her arm in arm and we go out the door..i'll catch up with those douche-tools in a minute..we are a good distance away from the establishment, almost to the intersection of the next road when Hilary and i hear Gary and Keith coming out of the bar talking loudly...i try to ignore it all...Hilary says we should go back, i say that's a bad idea, those two can sort it out, if we go back something worse is going to happen...

i see pushes, midget kicks, and punches all being thrown by Keith..one of the punches lands on Gary's neck, but Gary is not drunk and is keeping his cool, trying to walk away...this is when Hilary starts pulling me back towards the scene...as we make it back, the entire bar has cleared out and Gary and Keith have a bit of separation between them..Keith was originally supposed to come with us over to the apartment, but now, i don't think that is happening..he's too drunk to drive, so i'm trying to figure out what is going on (i never know what is going on) as Gary approaches us and tells us to 'let's just leave' i notice a guy still in uniform from another restaurant with crazed eyes locked onto Gary, making a bee line for him...this.sets.me.off.

for one, Gary was not the aggressor in this ordeal, he doesn't need to be held back, doesn't need people all up in his face, especially since his back is turned on everyone..two, this asshole isn't even involved in the conflict or our group...i will not stand for any part of this and i slide step right in front of this asshole, meeting him face to face..well kinda, he was taller, and tell him to back the fuck up, pretty much repeating everything i just stated here to him...my arms are held up, as if they are giving a stopping motion, my palms are open, and i have no intentions on touching him..

somebody tries to pull me away, but i shake free, then Hilary, Gary, and the bartender grab me and move me to the side...i start talking to the bartender as him and i have always gotten along...he tries to tell me that putting my hands up and moving them around was gonna cause commotion and if the po-po were to drive by they would think something was up...he tells me he values me as a customer and really does enjoy my presence, the cops won't be called...as this is happening, Hillary is pulling on my arm telling me to fuck this place and leave..i try to get her to stop, but she continues, then i rip free my arm and sternly remind her i was trying to have a conversation, be polite....

ughh, all these people with the pulling...so the bartender and i talk, i apologize as i was not trying to cause a scene, but i'm rilled up now, the adrenaline is pumping..my eyes for one brief moment glance around the scene behind the man i was talking to and it leads me to trouble..the bartender quickly snaps and tells me not to do that, not to look around, he 'knows' what i am doing...i'm confused..i looked around to see what happened with Keith, not to see where the fogo de chao asshole was..but this was my breaking point...how did i all of a sudden become the problem, the aggressor..i knew we shouldn't have turned back....at this point i get mad and i end te conversation..don't you fucking tell me...

so now it's Hilary, Gary, and i walking back to our vehicles...at this point those two try to tell me how drunk i am, which of course makes me outraged...they later back down that statement a bit, but said i wouldn't have done that sober...they obviously don't know me....

Gary drops Hilary and i at her car..he's going back to the apartment, we will join him after we make a stop at my place to pick up some alcohol....they wanna know drunk jangus, deal.

**excerpts deleted**

i like how this is my fault all of a sudden... 5:16 AM Oct 25th from web
new pants party.. 5:20 AM Oct 25th from web
i meant "no pants party"..i just got drunk..., again 5:57 AM Oct 25th from web
i can't believe..what???? 7:45 AM Oct 25th from web
i'm gonna die tomorrow... 7:47 AM Oct 25th from web

**excerpts deleted**

it's after 8am and we are all finishing off the last swigs of our alcoholic beverages...the only reason we knew it was that late/early was because Phil was just 'waking' up....sadly though he was never really able to get to sleep do to all the ruckus that was going on all night long..his poor soul has to be at work at 9am...i can see the dawn breaking...i guess it's time to go to sleep?

"he had the crazy eye and i [bounces on tippie toes] didn't like it!"

Ughhhhh

Short..
not sweet

you know...i don't wanna sound like a whinny bitch on here, so i think i am going to slow down my posting...or maybe just alter it somehow....i don't want to already give up on something i just recently started, but which thing am i talking about....as for the blog, i don't want to skip days, but right now i'm to a point where it won't be pretty..those moments are left at home, not for on the court...so to spare you all, and my save face, i won't post today...like i normally would. just know that things aren't looking good and i'm probably feeling worse than ever before....we'll make it through this..i wish i were in troy.










"Carolina Liar"