Battle Royal

so much going on, i'm like, shutting down

Well That's Interesting

yeah..
yeah...

you don't say anything

Ok, I got this..I can do this...put your fingers to the keys..now press...you can do it..just give it a go...goooood...feels good right? Now keep going..and never look back...

I have a four day weekend..all to myself..I haven't been alone in a long time..this is amazing..of course the first two days I spent being a bum - it didn't help matters that the it's been the hottest temperatures of the year..virtually making any activity (even going to the beach) impossible.

But I needed it..I needed to decompress, to re-center myself, to be one with myself...now I'm starting to sound all zen-like, far from it though.  I've been wanting to go to my happy place, I've been wanting to go off alone, be alone, yet not alone..I wanted to be with me.

I've been wanting to write for awhile (you're heard this too many times I almost didn't want to write it), and actually have some half-posts up somewhere..I just haven't been able to, for various reasons...but, that's then, here I am now...

Another little thing that has gotten my fingers going - besides everything going on in my head and around me - others have been writing, or talking about writing, or I've been surrounded by writers...I don't know, but it's enough motivation to get my ass in gear....that and I don't want to set a new all-time low with the amount of posts in one year..

Plus I tend to get a little stir crazy when I just sit at home..troll on the internet (my favorite pastime), and do other crazy things...example:

I love success stories, especially from my Facebook friends. It's so good to see them lose so much weight....with my help of course. You see, what I do is, start with their most recent picture, and click alllllll the way through to their oldest picture..it puts a smile on my face

So here I am, back in the

***UNFINSIHSED***

Stupid Statements

the what

and the fuck

"I have a boyfriend", she interrupts with. 

"I have a bicycle" I quickly retort with, thinking we were naming off things that really didn't matter at the moment.   She looks at me in shock at my response, shocked at my total disregard of her situation, shocked I didn't crumble to her pity.  Her initial disgust is qualmed by her realization through my words, and she giggles.  We pick up right where we left off, with more intensity now that we had let the animals out.

What self-justification is warranted with the stating of such inane quantifiers? In other words, why do people say such stupid things.  Nine times out of ten, the other person is aware of your situation, so restating known facts is like telling me your name again. (which, usually isn't such a bad thing come to think of it..I tend to hear a name, then associate it with something/someone else, so within those four seconds of you saying your name and me repeating it, I already have a new name for you…) 

All in all, it's a redirection of guilt being pushed from one party to the other.  The real person at fault cannot take full responsibility for the situation and tries to pawn off the blame outward.  A lot of times the trick works.  With both feeling like accomplices, the ruffled scene takes a curtain call.  Sometimes, in more dramatic fashion, the main perpetrator seeks a reassurance of character, using shame as bait on the reverse-psychological lure.

**uncompleted**

I'm in No Place

fuck

fuck

fuck

I've got a lot on my mind, so much in fact that I'm coming up short with dispensing it in my normal manner such as this. I have all these half thoughts that just bounce around one another - it's like trying to chase after a bug in flight. I need to remove this load from my shoulders, hence, me writing..I will do my best I suppose.

I feel I'm at some sort of crossroads...wait..an intersection...no, that's lame...I feel as if I just pulled into a small subdivision and after a short stint on that main road I have three options...left, right, straight...but as I sit there, seeing the gate close behind me in this 808 complex, I look down each of the roads and see nothing but dead-ends..of course nobody would ever call them that, they hide behind the language of love and say cul-de-sac .

Continued

every day..

just more days...

It's week two of the allegations against me. Everyday is another day. Another day of torture that is. It starts with waking up. An alarm goes off shortly after I finally do pass out; all night long I lay in bed and wonder why, why is this happening. I try to think of other things, but it's consumed me, whether I want it to or not. Too tired to get out of the bed the second alarm I set goes off some ten minutes later; I still refuse to rise and face the day. Eventually I pull myself together, struggling to get out of bed. In the bathroom I wash the tried from my eyes, the blur allows me to not see myself. I put my hair back down, get dressed and head to work. And from there it just continues, like the day.

As I sit at my desk I feel the weight of the conspiracies piling up. As I walk to get water from the cooler I can sense the eyes of discomfort on me. Though everyone says they are on my side and supportive, the fact remains I've been accused of a horrible crime, and it doesn't take an ivory hunter to find me.

All day long, somebody new, same questions.

Sarah Can Fuck Off

let it out,

let it all out

let all the hostility out…

i don't care if what i'm about to say, have said, or will say offends you..it probably won't because you don't' read this anymore so it's whatever…it can't give you any more reason to hate me, because you already did that just fine without me ever doing anything wrong in the first place..

I never hated this person, I only disliked how she hated me without ever knowing me..how someone could be so judgmental yet supposedly adhering to the good word..

but now, as the tension flares, and the propaganda fills your ears, i've had it.

This person can sit there, claim to be a good friend of yours - yet talk shit on someone you care about..she sits there and claims to love god and his teachings, yet will smite me superficially...

***unfinished***

no fancy titles,

this is our story.

Unfinished

Why didn't these make the cut
what could have been

what is and what never shall be

I just posted some unfinished/unpublished posts..that are NEW..never before seen...just a matter of, where..or, when rather...

well, here's one..funny it's about the truth..not so funny it's from November..

Alright, that is all...








"So I says to Mabel I says..."

Every Now and Then

don't..
don't start singing..

just, stay with me here

So every now and then, it's something that only comes around once in..a total lunar eclipse, but it happens. So every now and then I will write a post, in full, yet not publish it. It will be ready to go and I all I have to do is hit that stupid little publish button, but I don't, at least not then.

You see, nothing upsets me more than seeing drafts on my dashboard. Even so to the extent that I have published half blogs, posts that were for whatever reason never completed, even if it makes no sense...just because, it was something I was going through at that time. Of course I would have loved to finished those thoughts, and as angry as I am for leaving those ideas in limbo, I published them regardless.

But certain posts, like maybe one I just wrote, maybe, are full of too much emotion at a certain time, or full of too much information, that for whatever reason I cannot publish it then. It's good just to get things off my chest, type it out if you will. And although I will talk to anyone about anything at anytime, for some reason posts like those are considered in a way to be classified material - with an unclass date sometime in the future.

And so there will come a time when the post gets published, and only I know when it happens because by then there's been so many other posts it gets lost or hidden along the way...and so my avid readers will never really see it, and only those that just join in at that later time who read back may be the only ones who actually come across it..and then, by then, that situation has blown over and we're sailing smoothly into another.

So if you think I'm not writing, you may be wrong, I may just not be publishing, sorry if hat throws you off.








"Click, aaaaaaand..I can't post this...save now.."

No Peace

just that..
no peace...

Who doesn't love a martyr....but it's kinda killing me....





"We are so vain, we even care for the opinions of those we do not care for." -Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

Testy Texty

don't take that tone with me...

With all of the modern marvels and technological advances, it's pretty crazy to think that the most common form of communication today is via text. Why you can chat with friends, family, sext with a girlfriend, vote for your favorite character on that stupid TV show, check your balances, even use a google-like system to ask questions...what have we come to?

Texting, in its raw form is derived from its erferr base instant messaging. From ICQ to Skype the IM world has evolved and left its mark on society. At the turn of the Millennium, cell phone companies, realizing the sudden craze that was IM'ing - what with applications like MSN messenger, ICQ, AOLIM, Yahoo Chat, Trillion, etc - and wanted somehow to incorporate that into their products, I mean why not..it's another form of communication that is booming!

At that time in my life I will admit I was fully submerged into the subculture that was online instant messaging...but what is scary is some of the characteristics, or perhaps this blog that never happened, in the case of that time. After spending many an hour chatting it up, I soon came to the conclusion that IM'ing was flawed in a very big way and it was causing nothing but havoc in people's worlds.

Sure instant communication that is either free or cheap is a huge beneficial factor for the lives we now live..however, the problems created along that process make me questioning the value of it all. And it's not just one issue, there are several reasons I have grown to not like the IM world but mainly it's about dependency and translation.

Let's take the latter for a moment; translation.

I Guess I'll Never Understand

It's funny how while on my way to taking the trash to the dumpster i'd come across another soul in distress. Walking by a girl sitting on the curb, burying her head while holding a phone I can barely make out the conversation over the sobs with every breath she takes. There's anger in her voice..she always feels let down..she's a whirlwind of emotions and I fear that my scene will be coming up in the next twenty minutes.

it's a scene that occurs all too often, no matter where i've gone certain results are always the same. I've learned that if you see someone stationary and it looks like they are holding a phone, leave them alone…the conversation going on is not one you'd want to interrupt. It's weird but it's true, when people break down, they'll come to a stop in order to do so. Occasionally you'll get the person who is so in rage with whatever is going on via the tele that they stand up, shout, and use gestures…always with the gestures, mainly pointing…what they are pointing at or whom i still don't know - of course those are extreme cases, and it's usually fueled by anger rather than sorrow..because when your world collapses, so do your legs.

I'm back in my room before i know it - angry i accidentally napped, restless now that i did, trying to find food not really because i'm hungry but because i'm dreading a phone call. There aren't many times in life i've ever been speechless..i always have something to say - granted probability points to me saying something assholey, it's not always the case - but right now i feel as if i'm running out of things to say, only because at the fear of becoming a broken record, i've said them all before. even as i sit here in front of my computer, i'm left with nothing to type…guess it's not that important.

***unfinished***

Best Worst Day Ever

yesterday..
was a mind fuck

and it all started with my button coming undone

Saturday was one of those days…on of those days you want to tell everyone about..you rush to call/text/find any of your friends..and when you finally get a hold of one..you don't even know where to begin..you try to start rambling, but it doesn't make an sense, less sense than normal that is - and that in itself is a feat. After all was said and done, when I finally given up rather i didn't know whether to go for a walk to clear my mind or to lock myself up away from everyone so the weird shit would stop happening…yeah, saturday was that day.

my first weekend with having a roommate - yes, still angry about it - so i wake up to him rustling around, turning the TV on, and watching a DVD..it's not until the final thirty or so minutes I actually wake up and start watching it too. The movie ends and it couldn't have done so at a more perfect time, i look at the clock and see that i still have twenty minutes before the chow hall closes - amazing because last weekend i somehow managed to make it to the chow hall only once..and that was for dinner, definitely not brunch. I hop down from my bed and start to gather my clothes i carelessly threw under last night. Shirt on, hood on, shorts o-..wait..my first snag of the day…this should have been the indicator that i was in for a crazy day. the button popped off and went clear across the room - no i'm not a fatty, it id't bust when i tried to get it on like that…it just popped when i went to grab ahold of it….should have saw this coming though, i did just cut a super long IP from it the night prior….

Adapt and overcome right? So i zip up the shorts and throw on a belt, making sure it's nice and snug - who needs a button anyways?! So i gather myself, continue getting dressed, and head across the street…I'm excited that i actually made it to the chow hall before they closed on the weekend and overlook my missing button as i sit down with my food, soon realizing i'm still not fully awake..

it's the weekend so i do my weekend ritual of walking down to the NEX's food court to steal some wifi - the internet provided there is the best i've had in several months, so i make it a point to go only on the weekends to pay bills, make updates, surf, chat, whatever….it's with this unprecedented speed that i'm capable to do things that i typically cannot do during the week with the internet provided at the lounge across from the barracks. It's with that freedom, coupled with time to kill, and a conversation i had just this past week that would soon provide the mind fucking i wasn't ready for…

but let's step back for a second…upon walking into the food court i run into one of my sergeants…i do not know how to act when i come across these guys when it's "after hours" i think i may have said hey man, or something along those lines…it's tricky because..i'm in civvies..he's in civvies..we are at a food court..of course i recollect myself and properly call him sergeant as we depart..but i always seem to have this problem

i ordered subway, but it was just to get the drink - i know that sounds backwards, but subway is the only establishment in the food court that has fountain beverage service..so if i am going to sit there for some time, i might as well have the option to get refills! And i know you're thinking, why not just get the drink? Well, it you make it a meal, it comes with cookies and a sandwich! which i know i will eat later at some point…in fact i used that (now) classic line to someone in line later as i was getting said refill - lady behind the counter asked, "would you like to make it a meal", and i blurted out, "oh do it, it comes with a sandwich!"


***unfinished***

13 Weeks

what.
the.

hell.....

The past three days I've wanted to write, a variety of topics rolling off my head...heck, the night prior and even last night I tried to start something..pulled the lappy up to me as I curled up on the couch...that was about as far as it got. So now, in my final hours I am forcing it out of me. hungover from two straight nights of alcohol consumption I must break through this muggy mess in my head and put my final words together.

I'm not quite sure what to really say, and I can't even remember what it was I wanted to write about, so I know I aimlessly meander throughout this post, you've been warned.

In addition to this post I have also undertook a mini-goodbye project of sorts. I can't leave without doing something, not necessarily big or crazy, just something. When I left Btown in '06 there was a huge going away party, and sure it was fun, it wasn't my note to go out on. Instead, just days later, on my actual departure date, before I headed onto the highway

Loose Lips Sink Ships

why being tight..
..is the new black

loose adj \ˈlüs\ a : lacking in precision, exactness, or care

From women to change, being loose is never a good thing.




Loose women spread diseases..
loose mouths break hearts..

Back to my Roots

something different..
..yet the same

the revolution of a circle.

as the caffeine courses through my body, this unnatural feeling feels somewhat like home. sitting in a familiar setting, cup of joe to my left, silver lappy in front, empty tray to my right. I feel like it's mid-2000's right now.

Ugh, it's hard to keep up with my thoughts, coffee is not what i should be drinking...i don't even like coffee..but here i am, five years later, starting up what i stopped a long time ago. what made this come up about?

well, a book...a book that was out of place actually, and a very long, intense week. I was skyping with a friend and a discussion came up about handwriting..of course I mentioned how mine is absolutly craptastic. My friend wanting to see something I wrote i struggled to find something nearby with my writing..it made me think about how little i actually do write..i don't write orders at work, i don't write down quotes or notes any more, those go in the phone...i just don't write anything ever..

in mid-though i say a stack of books and papers, ahhh, one of my journals of course! So i grabbed the one I saw first, opened up to a random entry in the middle and showed my friend over the webcam just what horrible handwriting is.

not much of a story, but i guess after i was finished with the viewing i just put the book down next to my "computer chair" (a lazy boy in the corner of my bedroom), i mention this because the book continued to sit there for the next couple of days. this is very unlike me, i like being neat and orderly, i like having everything in its place "mis en place" or whatever that frenchy phrasing is.

you could blame it on, who knows, i'll go with the overloaded week i've had with lack of sleep messing with my simple thoughts to such a degree i felt no obligation to put the book back. So last night the book caught my eye, differently than it has the past nights, and i was drawn to it. i figured there must be a reason this book is still out, let's investigate.

so i dive in, mainly reading highlighted sections that i've marked in previous re-readings and then it hit me...the missing link for a project i am working on was right in front of me the entire time..so i continued to read more passages, taking note of the amount of coffee intake on such regular basis i was partaking in while writing and it got my gears turning.

when did i shut out coffee...when did i shut out writing..when did i shut out certain things, people, etc. the pages screamed out to me. I was elated with what i had found, yet it left a hollow feeling inside of me too. this time as i read i reflected about a time and place i enjoyed, however the character was different...it wasn't me, it was jangus..it left me asking, who is this jangus, moreso, who am i. I read about the jangus' mishaps, the girls, the adventures, the struggle..and as fully aware of it as i am now, i became uncertain of it all too.

Is it Wierd

to be upset..
..with emotions?

maybe i'm just talking about the one's i'm not used to...

I'm not here to make friends
I'm not here to establish connections
even though it's all about who you know
i don't care

but i'm not here for me either
i'm not greedy
i just want to live my life

I'm Gel-ing

not in a good way,
like a green way...

Did i say i was Gel-ing, i meant Jeal-ing, as in jealous...

Today class we will be discussing jealousy in relationships. My following response is based off of my own personal experiences, and through some much recent research and experiences, has altered greatly from the views i once held.

Jealousy is a two-way street in which both parties are to blame; now granted it may be two-way, some way's just have more lanes of traffic (like those effed up roads by Mass Ave..what's up with that?)

i say

Untitled

Listen here you beautiful bitch...
I am about to fuck you up with some truth.

Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of the truth...get it...cuz truth doesn't make a noise..soooo.









"people lie because they feel they'll fuck things up if they tell the truth, truth is they'll fuck things up by telling a lie.."