2013 Year

In..

End..

Reviews

It's that time of the year again, time to look back on all that occurred; the good, the bad, the whatever...Honestly, this may take me a bit of trouble as nothing too monumental seems to be jumping off the top of mind for the year.

January opened up the new year and I was living with Gary in, what really was, our dream spot for Cali.  I remember that first half of the year I struggled to keep my finances afloat because Gary could not keep track of his.  Paying for almost the entirety of the rent and add-ons I was forced to take cut-backs in my personal life...drawing out from my stocks, not taking trips like I had planned to do.

But that didn't stop a man that was nearly five-thousand dollars in debt to me. Paying for tanning (in california), private volleyball lessons, wetsuits, flights, amoung other random activities...His frivolous lifestyle and refusal to grow up, take responsibility, and not live the life for more than 2 minutes would ultimately be our dream's demise.

After consulting with our land lord we decided with all the bad events taking place at the condo - management singling us out for any "violation" they could come up with - we had decided to move out in May.  Gary for once took initiative and went out looking for apartments for us. He viewed some, reported back to me with eager eyes, but within 24 hours the mood would take a 180.  He came back to me telling me he took his old job back, and would be moving back to Indiana.

So all plans were scrapped and I was off to fend for myself.  Coincidence or happen chance played a big part and I was able to find a place to live - a coworker had a master bedroom available, with a garage, in a place close to where I first lived out here.  Everything fell into place, and I moved out mid-May.

Over the summer, I was able to cross off some things from my bucket list.  The San Diego County Fair opened and I was apart of the color detail.  This got me free admission for the day and some vendor vouchers.  So after the ceremony I left to return in the evening, where I would watch The Beach Boys live in concert.  It was a free show, and they still rocked.  It was just a cool experience to see people I grew up listening to and watching on Full House.

Right before that though I did see one of my favorite bands of all time (all time) in a very long day up in Anaheim.  What started in the morning with free tickets to the Angels Vs White Sox game (that I would scam to upgrade for better seats), would later turn into walking across the street to The Rolling Stones concert in the evening.  Of course then and there my luck with scalpers took its first blow.  The night would end with going to some random club and 'partying' with the band.

Other events that happened were two trips to the CG in Beverly Hills, the second to correct the first time's deficiency.  Saw Ashley Simpson perform in Chicago, also saw Kanye in concert in October, Moving Units and Hypercrush in November.

Made an impromptu trip to Indy in October to watch one of my friends from the Region get married.  I had realized I hadn't taken any trips up to that point this year, and I was tired of missing all my friends weddings for whatever lame reason..all that, and the fact I wouldn't be around much longer pushed me to take the trip.

Oh, yeah, I found out in July, confirmed yet not confirmed I would be deploying come next year.  Well, it bounced around, the slots were moved, my position from Afghanistan to Kuwait got jumbled around, and even when we thought everything was settled, we found out that the dates of January/February didn't apply to people going to Kuwait...Our date was in November...before Thanksgiving, before the Michigan/OSU game in Ann Arbor..before any holiday....

So once again, November would come to fuck me; this time, it was known in advanced, like knowing when you would be executed.

These details changed everything for me in 2014.  I used this an excuse to send the girl that was living with me back to where she came from, and I spent the remainder of my time reclusing. (it's a word, I made it up, deal with it)

So once again, for the fifth time in my life, I packed up everything and put it into storage - though since I never unpacked, it was all still sitting in the garage.  The period from September 2012 to May 2013 would be the first time since 2003 that I did not have anything in storage.  Less than a year.

My former bedside companion (I really need to get her a name) helped assist me in the moving process, and road with me all the way out to my grandparents, where I would store my car and say my goodbyes after a few days.  Then it was up to Chicago, though nothing was planned - i.e. movie, sporting event, anything like that - we were going to just be apart of the city.

The time in the city was wonderful - I think it was the longest time I've spent in the city since 2007.  From there it was off to Dallas for a couple days, back to Indy for two more, then over to Cali.

The final days in the states were nothing special.  I spent my time off work finishing the last classes I had, and spent many hours in P'Bread completing my last projects for the class.  In an odd way, it was like 2009/2010 all over again, but I was ok with that.

The vehicle that I thought propelled love, but only set me back was destroyed...as a symbol of something I'm sure, as it happened on your anniversary.

Mid-November the small group of us deployed to Kuwait, which is where I am now and will be for another year or so.  Nothing happens here.  We work every day, luckily me and my counterpart only work 8 hour shifts currently...but, it's like Groundhog's Day...same thing, day in, day out.

We went to The Avenues mall in Kuwait City on Thanksgiving, but haven't been back since, even though we tried to organize a trip on Christmas Day to treat ourselves.  Made two trips to the Embassy, one of those being tonight, New Year's.  It's one of the few places you can drink in this country, since it is a dry country....however that craziness works.

But that was my year. I don't expect much from 2014 either...

"it's not what happened, it's what didn't happen"

Looking Back

On the year..

on the bad..

on everything

This belated look back is similar to that of the reflection in a murky puddle of mud.  I normally do my year in review (year end review*) at, well, the end of the year; but as I have mentioned earlier, that never happened.  I figure with the rape-aversary date rapidly approaching, now would be as good of time as any to kick it off.

2012 was one of those years you'll look back on much later in life and say, "man, that year brought me down to my lowest point..but I overcame and made it to here" and you'd point to whatever place you were standing as some sort of vague implication on what you were actually talking about.  But as those wounds are still pussing, it's a little more difficult to do anything but laugh at just how fucked up last year really was.

If I recall correctly, I started off the New Year by airing my grievances, all at the mispleasure of bringing about the 2008 jangus.  Later that month a girl came back into my life for the umteenth time, and like Rihanna to Chris Brown, I supported it.  This would prove to again be a series of ups and downs, back and forth like a see-saw we found ourselves finding each other, yet "needing" to separate ourselves as well.

As the new month arrived that relationship kicked into overdrive and (I thought) things were moving in the right direction.  Time spent over the Valentine's holiday was doubly meaningful as it was to be my last days before going over to Korea for a month.  And things started off great until day two, when that relationship, much like my presence in the states, went away.

Just shy of a month spent in Korea, despite the sadness I was facing, was quite a good experience for me.  In short, it was existential and I enjoyed it - I also got a lot of writing accomplished as well, not just blogging, but a note everyday to the one who ran away.

My trip was cut just short of a month and I found myself in the states for St Patrick's day..and what was to come was, and still is, unthinkable.  I won't, and probably can't, go into too much detail about what happened - that matter was actually a full blog that I started to write then erased because it angered me so much.  But what happened was, said previous girl and I got back together as we both longed for one-another...she spent the night..I thought that would be the turning point in our relationship, little did I know it would be, just not in the direction I was aiming for..she, and I quote, had never been more comfortable in her life than laying next to me in my bed, end quote...the next day would be the last time I saw her again.

Fast forward to the weekend of my birthday, hear back from girl - it has been two weeks now - and there's a "pregnancy scare", I quote that because actually it was a device used to try and entrap me on grounds of..rape.

I'll give you a moment..

So I spent time being interrogated by detectives, and having to explain to my chain of command just what in the eff was going on.  That same week I do my first interview with Big Brothers Big Sisters..two weeks pass and another love of mine finds a way to break me, again. This time it was on the basketball court, and the break was actually the ligaments in my ankle.  The lack of professional medical help provided by the military only made things worse.  Pain killers coupled with my world crashing in around me proved to be a horrible combination..and in fear of doing something stupid, I fought through the pain and flushed the meds down the drain.

The next months I spent recovering, which put a hold on moving my stuff out here from Indy.  I went to a lot of rehab, and pushed myself to workout and keep on top of things, striving to get back to where I was before.  I really don't recall the summer months all that well; Gary made an appearance during the fourth of july-causing me to skip my traditional chicago plans and stay in SoCal.  Another friend came out a month later, causing such a drunken ruckus it caused my PS3 controller to split into many pieces...and that's the fun version of that story.

August came around and I found myself moving into a new place, closer to work and right on the beach.  Which was also the time I made a trip back out to the midwest to pack it all up and turn my back on that place, for the final time.  The trip was a nice vacation away from everything, work and so forth - even if I did do 28 of the 30 hours of straight driving through.  But that week proved to be a very interesting week.  

I'm not even sure if you could call it an old flame, but sparks definitely did ignite with a missed connection of sorts; which naturally complicated things for both of us.  And shortly after that, another past lover decided to make a big, marching band required, appearance into my life as well.  In fact, most of the drive back I spent texting and talking to said person.  This too proved to be complicated with the nature of conversations and pictures sent.

But like all good things, these too would come to an end..first with the former lover calling it quits on both her boyfriend at the time, and me.  Then after my two week 'hiatus' for Fleet Week in SF, the missed connection solidified as to why it wasn't to be either.

With being shat on enough in 2012, I made the bold statement to the oncoming month of November to "do your worst", feeling as if I had endured enough, there was nothing November could do that I could not overcome...I now have a regret in life.  

With everything now in my possession, under one roof, I was getting settled in. One item in particular I was excited about was my external harddrive. Finally, I thought, the constant worry in the back of my mind about backing up my data will be relieved! Oh how horribly fallacious I was to provoke November.  In the very process of backing up my data, everything went wrong.  The laptop's hd had a mechanical failure...and the external hd had a data corruption.  Everything was lost...even to this very day, after sending it to place after place to attempt to salvage the data. No such luck.

That was the nail in the coffin, that was the final straw, that, was the death of me.

Everything after that point was, and is, a blur.  Things happened...things continue to happen.  Michigan ended up losing to OSU, I ruined something because of my stubbornness, I ruined something else because of my vacuousness, and I'm fighting more battles than I need to be right now.

Still no results from my DNA sample, so the accusations are still on the table...all my pictures up to November of last year are gone, my ankle has gotten better, but still isn't 100%, and there always seems to be that one person on my mind.

just the quick recap of the worst year of my life, that is all.

"i have nothing to say i haven't already said"

The Year En Review - 2011

The Good..
The Bad..

Well, actually, mostly bad...

I've actually been looking forward to this post for what is probably a week now..anytime it came to mind I'd have to stop myself in those thoughts..I didn't want to review the year before the year was actually coming to a close..

Before we dissect 2011 we must first go back to where 2010 left off. Of course 2010 had it's up and it's downs, but, in all essence it left on such a positive note, things were looking up for me. I was in a relationship with a girl, with whom I loved. I knew my countdown for my last days at work by the second. I was looking ahead to doing something I actually wanted to do. On my last day of the year I finally cut those golden locks I'd been growing out for the better part of the year. And even though I turned around on my way to that Playboy party in Chicago, I think I spent it where I needed to - though, Playboy Parties have always done me right..something said don't go..maybe it was because I got off of my fill-in position too late, maybe because..I don't know, but I turned around...and even though I had no alternate plan, even though as I almost passed out at my place..I made something happen, and it was good.

2010 left on a good note, and I was really looking forward to 2011 and all that it could bring, boy was I in for a surprise. January I made a trip out to Cali, only my second ever, to see a girl. And as great of a trip it was, it was horrible as well. It made me question every little thing that led up to that moment in my life..what was I doing..why hadn't I moved out to Cali before this..whats the fucks...things really didn't explode until a week or so after that visit.

In February I blew the transmission on my beloved 3000GT, which, even though I had master planned out to work to the very minuet detail, I would soon find out in months to come that it was a bigger headache than it really was then. I also said my goodbyes at several parties, packed up my things one more time, got on that plane heading west, and on Valentine's Day stood on those yellow footprints.

The next three months were..for lack of a better term, ridiculous. I remember just trying to get by every day, thinking of my life I once had...those memories became more and more fuzzy as the days continued on. Apparently Charlie Sheen went crazy, there was an Earthquake in Japan, Osama was killed, Rebecca Black sang about Friday, and probably some other stuff, who really knows..

Graduation came on a Friday the thirteenth...my friends showed up, I saw my girlfriend, and we all spent the weekend in San Diego..a place I had been for 13 weeks without ever seeing. I got 10 days off, saw my family..saw friends...but then it was back to MCT, or Boot Camp Part 2..and from there..it only got worse...It was three more weeks of that crap before I entered, easily, hands down, no objection, the worst part of the year..Guard Duty. It may have only been 4 weeks but it seemed like an eternity (Four weeks?! That was it?! Even as I type that it doesn't seem right..If my life were to flash before my eyes, 80% of it would be Guard memories...)...if Boot Camp and everything else didn't make me lose myself, this did. I will probably bet that it is safe to say that Guard was the worst part of my Marine Career..already gonna say it...there it is.

From there it was August and to school in Virginia I went. One more month of just trying to get by, just trying to be done with all this crap and 'student status' and being treated like a petulant problematic stepchild.

I survived the Earthquake and the Hurricane that 'rocked' that area, and on September 1st, I was back in Cali..where I thought I wanted to be. I remember selecting the West coast, hoping to get stationed in Cali so that me and the now former girlfriend could be closer together. (And besides, my choices were Japan, West Coast, and East Coast..nothing appealed to me about Florida or DC at the time.)

Ever since I've been out here I've been struggling with a lot of things. For the longest time I didn't know what was going on, why I didn't feel right. I couldn't get a grip on things, I couldn't find my niche, I couldn't find people, I couldn't find where I belonged...what I really was missing was, myself.

I know that only on a couple of occasions did I actually freak out on my friends for not being out here, with the root of it being because I was out here, yet, I really wasn't. I was a mere shell of a person with no identity..an empty tabernacle. I had been living off of what was given to me from the Corps, with some minor additions I purchased along the way..two C-Bags worth of crap..I had nothing.

Over Thanksgiving I was able to make a trip back to Indy, my first time back since mid May. I filled my bags with as much stuff of mine as I could take with me - at the airport both bags were over 50 pounds...and my carry on was around 35.

Since that point I've started to ease myself back into myself (that sounded so sexual..), a rediscovery of who I was in a sense, trying to make me me again...the me everyone knew me as before I went away at the beginning of the year. And it would be during this reaffirmation when things would backfire for me, backfire in such a way that it seemed almost as if I was being punished for doing the right thing.

So I sit here, on this Eve of the New Year reflecting back on all those things that happened and seeing how the bad really outweighs any good this year..and any good that I tried to have, only ended up being bad somehow.

Other news in 2011 I took a virginity, my girlfriend broke up with me, I spent way too much on car issues, I met a girl who I thought could be the difference, I was given the worst slander ever, I rushed the field after UofM (finally) beat OSU, I started drinking heavily, had to stop working out because something popped in my head, and who really knows/cares what else..

If anything 2011 sucked, a lot, leaving me to hope for a better 2012...because it would take an awful lot to make 2012 suck any more than 2011..and besides, the world is supposed to end in 2012 so we got that to look forward to right?

Who are we kidding, we know the world doesn't end in 2012, Marty travels to 2015 and back..









"You know 2011 is just a two and a zero with two middle fingers right?"

Reading Into The Past

old posts..
rekindled feelings..

what was and what will never be

People have a tendency to look back on past events with an brighter outlook...as if somehow they've harnessed the rays from the sun into a flashlight as their peer back into the shadows of the past...even some of the worst moments hardly seem as bad.

Somehow I got back into posts from afar and couldn't help but smile. Even though i cursed more than twenty times a blog, even at times using that loveable phrase of "fuck off and die" - apparently it was the theme for a month back in '06 - it still brought joy to me.

And it was the events, the memories, and heck, even the writing that gave me those warm fuzzies. Why is it, especially with the writing, that I feel as if back then i could create something good, yet now I dribble on and on about crap...no real style or creativity to the writing..just rambling on without some ironic epiphanic wording or phrase that makes your reading eyes orgasm.

I want to write more than just a re-telling of my story. I want to be able to express myself better with words..bah, even that statement could be re-wrote to sound better. I try to write little short stories or poems and it just doesn't bode well with me...I spend too much time and effort into creating something..then recalibrating it..adjusting it..re-wording it..destroying it. I'm always trying to create something so brilliant it will blow your mind, always trying to add such little intricacies into everything such as "ooohhh he used six syllables in every line" "the third letter of every fifth sentence spells out whom he is writing about"

I do those types of things because those are the things that get me off, those are the things that get me..sure there's words and meaning, but if you can pull off some mathematical craziness in the process, if there's a deeper meaning or a secret the author hid in the work, that makes me happy to know. It's like the inside joke of writing..maybe only writer wrote it for just one person..who knows, but it's special..and i want to write like that.

maybe it just takes some practice...maybe my writing now is just as good as my writing back three years ago..maybe I need to keeping writing now to hone in on this skill, to improve upon it, to maybe someday write that book that everybody keeps asking for...

funny because in my dedication page it will list everyone who refuses my existence.








"Crap...I don't remember what I forgot..."

Peace, I'm Outta Here

screw you '08
and whatnot

out wit the old, in with the new, auld lang syne, and all that same ol shit people say

so the year is officially coming to a close..."something great in '08"...i remember saying that...i don't remember that actually happening..i suppose a lot happened..but then again a lot can happen in a day, a week, a month..a lifetime...it's all a point of relevance really...

sooo, let's recap the year to the best of my ability....

started bringing in the new year at work, in the hole, sans girlfriend, sans best friend, only surrounded by coworkers, holding a phone, almost in tears because it was probably the worst way to ring in the new year to date...i vowed to never having to work new years at midnight again...there was a break, then a trip to florida where i found out disney world is the happiest place on earth..when you're drunk...

my first time ever being there thanks to faulty promises made by my mother...so i went with my boyfriend...ears and bears, medieval times gave me soup, i watched a dog get beat for no reason, and i made us look like tourists as we drove with the top down in 60 degree weather...but sadly we had to return to reality which settled in as we stepped off the plane into the cleveland airport where the snow and twenty degree weather blew over my sandals...i tried to secure my stay in ohio, for the greater good..but that deal went south, err west, err, i went west...back to indy..

through convenience the west and i got back together...i made the transition to food runner at my job and found a place to officially live...i continued to work two jobs and travel back and forth to the hole...at one point i was traveling the 70 mile trip without brakes on my car...my birthday came and i worked a double, but in the end all was well...the girl i was dating went back to CP for the summer, which opened up a can of worms..

i quit my job in the hole as they needed me less...jade came over to spend a day with me and even though it started out well, by the end of it we were telling each other to fuck off and die...july fourth spent in chicago - not a really fun time, but i tried to make the most of it..later in the month came a trip to CP which panned out nicely, even made a stop over in the rowdy to visit TJ...

i finally became a server after the race in indy and TJ came out to indy...we looked like idiots trying to get scalped tickets for the Dark Knight release...bad planning as always led to us watching the movie in a regular theater and not IMAX. i began biking to work, but it lasted only a month up until my bike got stolen from work..on a shift i wasn't even supposed to be at technically.

i made a trip out to see my grandparents out in MO, too late to see my dog one last time though..school started but that doesn't concern me...september 11th proved to be a date of significance when the girl i was dating decided then we should break up...two days later she fucked someone else....this allowed for me to rekindle things out east..but the winds of change would soon blow that out too

i looked for an outlet and found it in various forms...i started hanging out with people once again which soon led to the move from the crazy cat ladies place - that and the fucking cat box was put back outside..i grew up a bit and tied myself down by signing a lease for a year on the southside of town.

through a series of mis-events and anomalies a new bond was formed with a girl on upsetting terms. a first date to hold a record for the ages and another michigan loss to oswho..not to mention a michigan season not worth mentioning..the holidays came and i hated them more than i did the years prior, naturally...the economy fell, work got slow, i began to work less, and an unqualified black man became president of the united states free world...

so 08 turned out to be a crapshoot...i'm sure i missed a bunch of other events but i don't remember anything...sooooo....whatevs....

"what's the quote of the year?"