Losing My Mind

after losing something else,

and someone else

but it's not a loss if you give it a way.

I made it home.  I was cold, and needed to return to my residence quickly, though I lost myself along the way.  The paved sidewalks cutting out and switching sides, the sand, construction...led me a good mile away.  I'm glad I was the first to return, not like there was a contest, but I'm glad Gary didn't return from work before me...in my haste to go out on a brisk walk, i inadvertently left the gate open.  Surely if Gary were to have come home, to both my cars in the drive, the house locked, but the gate flopping about, his concerns would have gone on high alert...at least that's someone.

funny how my course would direct me to the one place she found comfort in...a place, i wouldn't think of going on my own unless i had been asked or forced to go...rarely do i make the quest on my own...

i did my best not to just walk into the ocean.

i'm conversing with myself...aloud.

I'm going quite insane, and it's all in my brain.

pain changes people.

I want to call..I want to do something..but I can't..I just sit and stare at the idle messages...waiting for some sort of acknowledgement, let alone them to be seen.

I want to know she's ok...i know her...and that's what scares me.

it's 2008 all over again.  I was right then...lord let me be wrong now.

looking over the last messages...one nonsensical message...no periods...she's drunk

The Killer's Mr Brightside starts playing in my head.

active. messages not read.

it's midnight here, 2am there...the bars are just closing...i need some sign of life...something that will allow me to rest easy..something to put my mind at ease.  I've already lost my appetite for the steak I was to make hours ago..don't make me lost sleep now too

I wish I could drink...I wish I could just erase this with every swig from the bottle...like you are doing.

if this is how i was supposed to feel for the relationship, there's no way anybody would be able to live like this.

but I remember...she did.  she stayed up those sleepless nights, waiting on a call or text from me.  even when it wasn't said, it's what she wanted always...and it makes sense now. too much sense. and feeling like this, is not a feeling anybody should have to go through.  this is hell. i wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  i think my heart is racing, though i can't even feel it beat...i can't feel anything but a sinking feeling in my, well now, stomach.

she replies.  it's short, three words...no punctuation.  I quickly reply, trying to keep her on...the line?with me? there? but she goes back to idle...nothing....nothing....

and that's the last i hear from her.

until 330am...home.

I've made a huge mistake.

Me: I'm probably freaking out about nothing...

E: (without knowing the situation) when have you ever been wrong?

Me: fuuuuuuuuck

Coins

There's always
two sides...

to a story....

The Embassy wasn't as cracked up as the last post made it seem..well, maybe it was what happened....afterwards.

Everybody was fine, until after we left.  The lines "yo, I'm faded" were uttered as we walked back to the vehicle and the only two sober - because they were underage - were made the drivers.  Two car loads of drunken fools; my vehicle containing the less rowdy and more tame crowd as the other vehicle was all the officers...

We were quiet for most the way, almost ended up in Iraq because we missed our exit...the drunkest two were passed out, except faded man, who kept puking into his hoodie.  It was easy getting past the four checkpoints, though it did get close when the passenger made everyone sit up and look alive, telling faded guy to swallow it...he coughed up and i saw some chunks fly out..not a good moment.

The other guy didn't throw up until we were all the way back and parked, props to him on that...and as for me, i was feeling good.  Went in to finish the last hour of my shift, and headed home..which is where my night went awry...

I'm known for being an asshole, and in that loving characteristic is a quality you either love me or hate me for; telling it like it is.  As much as I do set records straight, fire from the hip, and being brutally honest..I do reserve quite a bit actually.

One sure fire way to get me to that point of no return, alcohol.  Alcohol is a social lubricant, works the same on me as it does any normal human being.  Alcohol helps me bridge that very small gap, where things reserved on the back-burner are pressed up in your face.

Being halfway across the world in an opposite time zone with limited communication abilities still was no match for what needed to be said.  I'll admit, it came out of the blue; something that was glossed over months before..but a heart can only endure so much beating.

It was never my intention for that night, and it's always sad to lose.  It just wasn't me that night.










"we coulda done big things together"

For Lack of a Better Title..

the

things

i do..but shouldn't

I was at work..bored..and left to myself...the internet would only let me go to so many websites, and I had read every news article about people beating one another up for discounted deals moments after stuffing their faces full of turkey.  I went through emails..don't know why or how I landed on hers, but I did...I started at the beginning and read every one of those words, stinging like burning coal to my heart...

I looked at the pictures, and read more.  I wish I could be hooked up to machines and have doctors monitor my heart, the beats, my brainwaves, as I read your words.  And it's just your words..I skimmed over others' before I got to yours - probably because I knew the weight of all that has been said, and all that was done...probably because, when it comes down to it, I actually loved you.

I can sit here and wonder if you still think about me, like i think about you, now...and as much as I wish you did, even once a blue moon, I know the dark side to that eclipse.  So i just re-read the words that once were true, the words I need to hear so dearly through.  And even though I know my fate, there's no denying my heart will break.  I want to stop before that point where things went wrong, and stay there standing all life long.  I keep reading the words that end this note, sometimes wishing it was all you ever wrote.

"If you take anything away from this email.. just know I think about you often and believe it or not, I miss you at times"

Horrible

fuck that
fuck you

"My dad died today," she said via text, "please leave me alone." In an instant I felt horrible for bitching her out, "are you fucking kidding me?!" i say to myself, knowing better to not type that just in case it were true.  I already diced this poor soul into pieces, I didn't know it'd be a blow while she was already done. Of course, the one day I decide to text her, blow her up, out of the several months I haven't, her dad dies; perfect timing.

How did it get to become like this; how did I get to become everyone's hated number one; how did I get to become so horrible?

I realize what an old friend of mine said to be true, a subscriber of this blog once said to me, "If I were to title your blog, I'd call it the 'troubles of being genuine' " truer words have never been spoken.  People aren't used to this sort of brass tactics streaming from the orchestra...the aren't used to the abrasiveness of the chili in their mouth.. and yet, for some reason, at first, they are drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

I was on a roll this week, already losing 5 friends of FB in just two days, I figured why not take care of that kindling just laying around, the one I've been putting off for some time now, see what kind of sparks can fly if i were to kick it.  

I was heartless, offering condolences for her loss, I still stuck to my grounds, telling her to leave me the fuck alone.  I was pot committed by that point.  I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and no hearse was going to get in my way of finishing the mission.  A lesser person would have broken down, but the person on the other end of the receiving texts was not a kind soul, no sympathy to be spared.

November is only half over, and I've caused enough destruction to last a year, if not longer.  I'm not sure what other 'bang' I can go out in, but I guess I really wasn't prepared for this November when I encouraged it to "do its worst"

poor choice of words I had.









"it's not personal...don't take it personal"

H Two Uh Oh.....

Chemistry..

Law...

one of those things I've never been good at.

Something bad has occurred, something really really bad.  Of course this is in reference to the situation that started back in March/April; for those of you who know about and have been following.  Yes, the situation is still going on, no I haven't heard anything new other than to just keep waiting.  Just keep waiting to get results back I know will further prove I didn't do anything.

Then life says, hold that thought....

This week work sent me to a class/workshop thing to learn about using a new program for our department.  It was a pilot course, but nobody really cares.  The main point is, not being at my normal place of work, I am sans all my stuff; desk full of goodies, snacks, water, etc.  That being said, knowing how thirsty I get on a daily basis, and knowing I wouldn't have access to anything like I normally would during the class, I made a walking out the door decision I'd soon regret...

As I made up my breakfast togo I remembered about the drink situation.  I looked around for any random Powerade bottles I still may be have hiding around; but recalled finishing those but a month after moving in here.  I make my way to the fridge and open the door - it's really awkward for me, I've never been a fan of having the freezer on the bottom.  Once open I scan the contents.  Food items, condiments, some milk, couple pony kegs of some Michigan love, more beer, a bottle of champagne I plan to pop once I get the results back and my name is cleared, fruit....

as my search starts dwindling down, my eyes slide over to a spot tucked away in the corner of the door...bottom shelf, almost hidden for the fact the door doesn't open all the way due to the proportions of the fridge versus the kitchen.   I catch two bottles of water tucked away, for not so obvious reasons I will make known now.  The larger bottle, one litre, is over a year old now, and has been resting in my fridge since an ill-fated day in September.  The night my little drummer girl was supposed to come over, a night that changed things for her.  I suppose I never got rid of that bottle because I could never let go of her; it represents something more; and if I were to remove that from my life, vicariously I'd be removing any possibility, any hope..I'd be removing her, forever...and I obviously don't want that (even given the current situation where that's exactly she wants).

The other bottle, smaller, has been snuggled along that larger bottle, though not as long - it came from a work outing, Family Fun Day; bounce houses, putt-putt, and good times. There were originally two bottles, maybe more but memory serves me to think two placed in my fridge for hydration, that I took home with me from that event.  Maybe another was left in my car or whatever, but two for certain stayed in the fridge.

All that remains is the one, because the other is involved in a conspiracy, a lie..(I really wish I could call it Watergate but that's already been taken...)  You see, the bottle that remains is the sister bottle to the bottle of water I gave a Maker of Shoes, the one whose flavor was flawed, the one I allegedly, though unopened, tampered.

Having no other options I made picked a dumb option;  I took the small bottle with the implication I'd get something from the PX on my break, as this water bottle would quickly disappear....or so I thought.

I make it to class, get settled into my workstation, and before the class even gets underway I crack open the bottle for a drink.  One taste is all it took for my mouth to reject the bottle, pulling my head away and twisting it with confusion to the left.  "What the fuck?" I said aloud, getting the attention of the student on my left.  With his eyes now fixed onto my doings I decide to try again, maybe I just had something in my mouth...but the results were the same.  I'm starting to panic.  I turn and pass the bottle to my left, asking the fellow student to "here, try this" and with no hesitation other than saying why as he puts the bottle up to his mouth, he tries it as well.  "It tastes...off"

There's nothing more than I want to do at this moment than run out of the classroom and leave...but that will do me no good.  And for the next three and a half hours my mind is not in that classroom, not on the information we are going over, but fixated on that bottle sitting in front of me..and everything it represents.

On my break I go back home where I have another person try the bottle...later that evening two more people try a swig...all stating the same thing, some more in-depth about the flavors, but the consensus stands...there's something wrong with the water.

The confirmation from the last sampler is enough to send my mind spiraling downward.  All these horrible thoughts run through my head, suddenly my unquestionable innocence is showing signs of contest.

If the sister bottle is anything like the bottle she drank, than yes, there's something wrong with it...what, I'm not certain..though I know it didn't make me or anyone else sick for that matter.  Of course I don't have any other bottle to test or have tested, and bringing in an opened bottle to test would cause some concern...

I just want this nightmare to be over..I just wish this would all end and go away...I wish she would talk to me..as this is my only way to talk to her..

Truth is like the sun...you can shut it out for a time, but it ain't going away... 

"Last time water was turned into something it was wine, you have nothing to worry about, you're fine..."

Them's Fighting Words..

what are ya...

...chicken?!

The troubles of ordering a twenty piece...

"At least I'm not a rapist!" is suddenly shouted over any other drum conversation, cheering from patio, bad music playing at this party. It's that scene in the movie where it drowns out everything, shuts up everyone, stops everything, even the music skips off track. It echoes...it echoes

Let me pause here for a moment. Those of you who know me, know I do not deal well with being attacked - physically, I can hold my own...but when it comes to words, it always leads to the physical. As "good" as I am with my words, it's not my preferred method to turn to. Sure, words have gotten me out of fights, but they have equally gotten me into them.

And just like Marty McFly, I cannot back down from certain provocations - funny how a character in one of my favorite movies of all time (all time!) learns his lesson, which should be the lesson we all learn from watching, but me..a big pile of 'nopes' is what you get.

I come from the south side of Chicago, chi-ca-ghetto - the heights, and sure it may not have been as bad as other areas, it was still an area wherein my elementary school practiced bomb threats and school shootings more than we did fire drills...and this was before it was "cool."

It was where men settled their differences like men; if you had problems, you solved them. That was the law of the land, the way things were as kids, the way things should still be today. People didn't hide behind things like the internet and police protection - wherein the law enforcement is actually protecting the wrong individuals, as seen in my plight with the O-city efftectives on Wednesday....or kinda like how SoCaliJoshi was first to talk shit, and yet when I confronted via messages how we could settle our discrepancies in person, he was quick to tell me how he was going to print out our conversation and take it to the police..charge me with harassment or threats or some other bullshit.

These later generations are producing more and more internet shit-talkers and bullies, yet, their flame war on their keys is as hard as they'll ever hit something. So keep on doing what you're doing, hiding behind those anorexic pictures, maybe one day they'll be man enough...

People will argue this with me, but I see nothing wrong with a good old fashioned fist-to-cuffs...I'm not saying you can't ever talk shit out - me the believer in communication - but sometimes, the only way to put someone in their place, is putting them there with a little physicality. I was spanked as a child, shit hurt, I'll do the same to my kids, I don't care what the law says..again, society going soft, creating soft individuals.

I've been in my fair share of fights..I've tried to get out of fights, I've tried to start fights, it's life. I'm not some wild hooligan that's always looking for a fight..wherein the slightest thing will set me off...Heck, even certain times I've been provoked I have walked away, it's just the timing or situation I guess.

Like this one time I was with my girlfriend and some angry guy was yelling at me in a parking lot - short story, his girlfriend was driving down the wrong way and I made no effort to get out of the way as it was clearly my aisle, may have even swerved close to teach them a lesson about paying attention...regardless. So this hot-head doesn't like my innocent lesson and decides he wants to take things to another level...he's cursing me out, running through cars and aisles trying to get to me as my girlfriend and I approach the store..

In response I do yell back things such as "Alright" "ok" "whatever" to show I have no interest in him or his cause. Well, he eventually makes his way to me and I just keep heading for the store, I don't have time for this guy...Then, out of no where he hits me from behind - hard enough to disengage my hand holding with the gf, and I fly forward, head down, almost toppling over, but luckily catch myself.

At that point of stopping my forward progression I realize what had just occurred, and in a hero-esque fashion, regaining my balance with my feet firmly planted on the ground, straighten my back, raise my head up, turn around, look the guy who's now a good ten feet away from me square in the eye, and with a chuckle I respond, "Really?" being finished with my half smirk.

I looked over to see my girlfriend wide eyed, and as I made the move extending my hand out to rejoin hers so we could continue with our shopping experience, the aggressor took off back running to his vehicle. I was dumbfounded by the whole situation, and kept asking her if that really just happened..she was in as much shock as I was, if not more, for I remember her stating, "I seriously thought you were going to lose your shit and I'd have to call an ambulance because you were going to kill that guy" and I remember replying frivolously,"He should be happy that he caught me at a rare time."

The asshole tonight would not be so lucky.

The straw that was in my drink moments ago, through the dissonance found its way to the backbone of Joe, who was, by then, on his toes about to fall over this whole ordeal. I don't recall much as it all went by so fast, yet, in the same token, probably played out in slow motion to me then. And after playing it back in my head, I swear it went both ways.

Maybe everything leading up to what I did next was in slow motion...from the time the words were said, to my action, time may have stood still..allowing those horrendous words that verbalized to channel through my ear cannel, bounce around in my brain - enough times for me to realize the gravity of the situation. I swear it repeated, I swear it played over it my head..not just the words some drunk dumbass spewed, but the whole situation..everything. I saw Detective Whatsherface there. I saw her in her monstrous form, badgering me like some sort of criminal. I saw all of my texts pleading for a response. I relived each and every one of those days that went by without an answer. Those passing seconds re-occupied the night of the alleged "incident". It was probably no more than three seconds but it felt like my life flashing before my eyes..and not necessarily my life, but everything that had been involved with this stupid incident.

I stood there paralyzed reliving the past; all the images, the emotions, just everything going by as slowly as it did the first time..floating in a sea of emotion, not really able to free myself...until eventually the playback caught up with the present, dep breath, and from there it went from slow motion to fast forward...before I knew it, I had reacted.

From what I gather, from my broken memory and pieces of the spectators, I retaliated with vengeance. "At least I'm not a rapist!" was spoken - there was a slight pause, the one I relived my life in, and then it was all over. The crowd instantly grew silent, the dj stopping the music to a screeching halt, while the kegs poured no more, mindless conversations whittled to nothing as all eyes were on me. As the crowd lived in their lifetime slow motion, I took a breath, lived mine, and brought the present up to speed quickly.

I turned, without any sense of recourse, without any care, i turned to face my attacker; but as i turned my fist was swinging. Again, this happened all to quickly. My clenched fist flew threw the air without any care of disposition - had it made contact with anyone at that point justice would have been served, however, luckily, no innocent by standers were harmed.

When those six words were shouted to me, it sounded like they were right next to me, whispering loudly in my ear. I pictured them being on the other side of the room due to the fact the person was a giant passive agressive pussy. But luckily for me, this time, as the perpetrator articulately staggered over those words, he also stumbled closer to me...this would be his downfall...actually, my fist would his downfall, his steps towards me were just stupid.

In one swift motion, my fist met his face with a sudden fury and rage...Everything must have been bottled up in that one shot because I didn't even move after that, not a single other punch was thrown, nothing. I connected with my right hand which contained every bit from the past two months I had been trying to hold onto....everything I just relived was put into that swing..everything I just relived in those 3 seconds was harnessed into leveling any falsities.

Apparently one punch was all it took for Mr. Glassjaw to be corrected. My right hook connected and he went down faster than a fat girl on prom night. After the punch I just stood there...I didn't straddle on top MMA style and give kill punches, I didn't spit in his face like some forfeiting father..it all happened too fast I want to think...but then again, maybe it was because of something else.

I destroyed more than just my opponent in that swing..I shut up more than just some asshole spurting out hate..I was putting an end to the lies..to this whole fucked up situation. That punch, that right fist, embodied the truth..and it silenced any slanderous accusations that were coming against me.

I'm going to continue fighting, because that's what I know to do...because it's easier to make up lies than believe in the truth..and if some fucked up person wants to say otherwise, well, there's gonna be hell to pay.

"I think he just took his wallet"

I Think I'm Supposed To Do Something

but I won't

so deal

I'm too tired to give any fucks...

This will be short and sweet..I've got some things I should (probably not) say..I guess I said some things last night in a phone call...and I've been like a train raping these jokes.

Quick story: Last night...ok, back it up some more...Sunday morning I woke up and said, I'm gonna need (want) a nightcap tonight..such a weird request, especially so early...well, much later I made good on my request to myself and conjured up a drink..a horribly made make-shift margarita..but I drank it regardless. Of course after finishing that one, I needed something to wash that flavor out, so I made another, a different drink.

So 1am rolls around and the movie a friend and I have been trying to watch goes on pause for the millionth time - I make some callback to a scene that happened half an hour ago..this conversation then rears into anal sex - again, don't ask me how it got in there, it just did. So as the debate goes on, I naturally go to my anal expert...an ex-gf that has on multiple occasions, and with multiple men, allowed herself to be penetrated in the caboose (I am on that very list..)

I know what you're thinking, it's a horrible idea, but nobody's stopping me and I'm not sure why...but maybe they will in the future after they see how things go down in the end...The call actually starts off nicely, I get and leave a voicemail..sure it's 1am here, but it's 4am on the east coast, makes sense. I'm rambling about this and that, all is well, until..I don't know exactly what it was, but something just clicked in my head..maybe my "nice" reserves had finally been sucked dry, I had given this former friend too many chances..trying to make things work...

As the last bit of compassion was drained from my affable canister in the first half of that voicemail conversation, my attitude had to start drawing from somewhere else...that would be the pit of real emotion I had been biting back on. I don't even recall a transition, it just switched gears without hesitation. I mentioned how this person defriended a friend of mine, but at least that friend got a message as to why..me on the other hand, was left empty.

From there my words were drenched in sarcasm, thanking her for stealing my dog, followed by insults, to my breaking point. Still holding back from really letting go, for the sake of the company I was in, end it with "You're a fucking cunt" *laughter* **hangs up** And as I put down my phone I repeated that fulfilling line finishing with "I hope she enjoys that" - words of love, punch drunk.

No surprise I never got a response, but I was able to get that out there. And I may sound like a complete asshole, but again, I'm too tired for this, so if she cries herself to sleep at night because of it, I won't lose any myself.

none.

"A: Well, what did she do that was so horrible?

M: She just wanted to be with me?"

BBC,

the angry post you thought it was about

was not actually who it was

all that and more, coming up next

For lack of beter words, apparently I got carried away last night...but I think it was for the better.

There's nothing like having your crazy ex-gf decide to randomly cut of all ties with you for the hundredth time and also seeing another ex-gf look absolutely amazing...standing next to her douchebag boyfriend she replaced you with. All the troubles I've been adding into my list this weekend. I'm going to go off on a limb and say the stalker ex-gf that I have been doing my community service with has been doing what she does best, reading up on every little thing I shit out online. no, I'm flattered, don't get me wrong..some of my favorite exes are crazed fans of mine...(thanks for all the hits girls) But, it looks as though, they couldn't handle what I had to say, naturally. So enjoy my dog, you anal loving slut.

You may think I'm angry from that last statement, nah, just getting in my last laugh..ahhh, ok..maybe not last laugh, I'll be referencing that dognapper from here til eternity...but eventually she'll have moved onto cats..

repetition...the other lady, with whom still holds a place in my heart, is doing her best to find her way out..whether this is intentional or not I'm not sure...but then again, she knows me better than most of my exes so she must realize that being incomunicado is not the way I work. so maybe all is lost there as well.

It's a sad day when someone who cant give up on anything gives up on you. Imagine the sea just suddenly stopping from crashing into and kissing the shore after time and time again being rejected...obviously, you're a beach and I'm waving goodbye.

The advice you gave is coming back to bite you..but maybe that's what you secretly wanted all along..whatever, it's whatever...and as much as i can't stop thinking about you, i guess i need to..and that's why I'm selling the pony, it only reminds me of you..she never really was mine to begin with, and neither were you.

But it's nice to know that, even though your ex-girlfriend is sexier than sliced bre-wait..sliced bread isn't sexy..that makes no sense at all..hmm, ok..ex-girlfriend is sexy, go. So ok, it's nice to know that she's obviously the bread-winner in that relationship...and that anyone you don't ask will tell you that you're, or me rather, is a lot more attractive than her replacement guy...but all my exes love to pick uglier men..there's an actual collage of these accepted rejects, and it ain't pretty.

but I guess that just proves that looks aren't everything, at least to my exes..glad I'll always be the 'pretty boy' in their lives..that their kids will question years down the road and ask, "he's hot, why didn't you stay with him?!" to which their stupid mother will have to say something along the lines of.."because I'm a dumb whore Talitha."

Alright, now I'm just getting a little high on myself....but I mean it's hard not to when I have 100% of the audience polled giving the number one answer as, well, listed above...

I may be getting carried away again, and I may just be rambling..which is a horrible attempt to cover my exploits from last night...I'm posting real thoughts that shouldn't necessarily be on the internet..posts in the raw..call back anyone?

I'm supposed to be posting worthwhile shit every three days...this has been 4 posts in 24 hours..that's not productive, that's messing with nature...like, well, i'm too drunk to come up with the intellectual wording of it all, but those farms that create headless chickens..whatever, all that jazz...I'm just producing stuff to say I did something I guess, fail.

So there you have it..an update to a rant to an emotion that boiled over and burst through all the while still not coherent enough to know whether or not it was mother's day today or not..but that's a different story and we just met...

water anyone?

"I wished that you cared. I don't know if you ever really did and that's why i can't say "still."

THAT'S IT

I'm
talking

tonight....

All of you may be spared by my viral regurgitation if people continue to talk to me. Lord knows I cannot blog and interact with people, just not that good enough...but hey, I've never been good enough, so what is new

So all y'all can thank whomever it is in my earbud because the more I recant my issues to, the less blogs there will actually be...remember, these blogs are one time, passionate of the heart writings..and if I say it verbally, then, it's off my chest..no need to pull it from my finger tips..

so go on with your bad self, I'm gonna preach a different sound.









" hey..AHHHHH....that's definitely blood...on my keyboard...awesome..i won't make any references here, but, funny timing no?"

People

To everyone..
..to knowone...

where did all the cookies go?

Many of you probably know me as the cynical bastard who hates everyone - and as true as that may seem, there's an even darker side to me...one that actually cares. Sure my rough exterior colored in the hues of jade is what seems to be the most "popular" of appearances for me to don, but that's only when the time provokes it. That abysmal front is actually the result of the collapse of how I truly am.

I've had this discussion time and time again with every new person I meet, and I'll stick to my stance til i'm gone. People. When it comes to people, I believe in the best of them. I believe in the good of all. It's like everyone is innocent until proven guilty; rather in this case they are good until they prove themselves bad.

I put forth trust into people. Why not, I'd wanted to be trusted too. Regardless of past events I cannot project negativity onto someone else, it's not fair. All too often we tend to enter relationships with a cautious step as a result of something that happened prior in our lives. However, this new person isn't that old person that made you like this; don't take out whatever on them. A new person is a clean slate...don't be afraid to make those mistakes again.

Maybe that's where I falter, because I want the good in people to show, I want people to be..good. I give people too many opportunities to prove me right. I understand people make mistakes, things happen, we all do this...but when something is a constant, well, then the opposite is the anomaly.

I defriended someone tonight that i recently let back into my life. I thought this time things were different, that not necessarily they changed, but realized the woes of their ways - apparently I was wrong. The only time in your life you will ever hear those words come out of my mouth..And we all know how much I hate to be wrong, maybe that's why I give people so many chances. But if the kingdom of god lies within man, not just one man but all men, then surely good resides within all of us. maybe i am still right...

maybe there is still hope...








"it's hard to 'write from the heart' when so many people say mine doesn't exist.."

I Fucked Up

being too open minded..
...can get you in a lot of trouble

sometimes I wish I could just be normal

I had this song pop into my head earlier tonight - in between We R Who We R - and the foreshadowing could not be creepier. Isn't it funny how things work out like that, I can't remember the last time I heard the song played, yet BAM, out of nowhere, with no provocation, it was out...made me wonder.

I cried tonight, wait that's past tense, I've been crying tonight. I got caught in a bad situation and I said something that wasn't true..I guess I now see why people do it...fear. I felt horrible, well I do now, but at the time it seemed appropriate. I corrected the mistake, but it wasn't right of me regardless.

Am I a horrible person? I keep asking myself this question. I've asked several friends this question after tonight's events. People who know me, know me. I feel if anybody else who decided to cast judgment without getting all the details would think so. I talked about perception being reality in the last blog, well here it is again. I've never cared about what people think of me, but then again, right now at least, I do.

I didn't lie about who I was, I am all those things I said. I listed paper-facts to go against the paper-facts defense. It seemed right, fight fire with fire. Try to establish character...and even though it was the truth, it wasn't bought. I was told straight that they didn't believe me. Sure that person has no reason to believe me, I am slighted by the fact still....

because I know better, people who know me know better, it's the situational fact of the matter. I am more than what it appears...now I understand Black Like Me. I'm complex, I'm different, I'm some sort of sick novelty for people. Anybody else in the same situations I get myself in and they're a goner, if they even get that far...but me..my life is just stupid

I'd write a book if..I...could..write. But I suppose that's why I blog, people live vicariously through me..so they don't have to make the mistakes I've made...though I don't call them mistakes (well, not most of them). And most times I don't "learn lessons", I'd do it again, that's life.

I got in trouble because I let my heart do the thinking...and on paper, the situation is not good, in actuality, living it, it makes sense. I understand all sides of the argument, I'm not complaining, my actions got me here, I knew what I was getting myself involved in...being aware of the situation yet still doing it I suppose some would call crazy.

I leave in 20 days, 18 for real life events, but 20 and I'm on the plane...that's less than a month...less than three weeks...that's my reality I should be focusing on, but I can't, I haven't been able to. I'm not procrastinating putting it off, I just have other things on my mind. What was going to be the hardest thing about going to boot was missing her, now I get to start that experience earlier..without people yelling in my face while doing push-ups til I puke.

There's nothing I can do about this situation, and because I have no control over anything, I feel like I've lost control..having no control, no input, no anything is scary - that's the same reason I hate roller coasters, riding bitch on motorcycle, or even the passenger of a car...I can't control it, I don't feel comfortable.

That's where I'm at right now...I have no control whatsoever and I am not ok with that..I want to fight, I want to talk, I want to do this and that...but I can't...I'm not one to sit idly by, I'm a doer, a go-getter..I make things happen..I feel restless letting things happen around me..but this time..it's all I can do.

I fucked it all up, I've made my bed and shat in it too....now I'm supposed to lay in it...awesome.

I know you're not reading this, but I love you, and I'm sorry.







"Your mom said you cried in your sleep last night.."

I Didn't Mean for This

but my writing has a mind of its own..
..and this is the price I have to pay

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I don't even feel like writing right now only because I really don't know what I want to say..I'm afraid I'll say too much without saying anything at all, or without proper clarification. I don't want my words misconstrued and used against me without any understanding. Simply put, I have issues, however, these are no more a big of deal or any different than any other person's issues. If there's such a thing as "common knowledge" there has to be a thing of "common issues" or "common concerns". Let me explain.

When it comes to relationships, I gain issues. It's like owning a house and then you realize you have a backyard, you're going to put a trampoline there - as I enter a relationship, any and all past concerns resurface...it's not voluntary, they just come to light, get pulled off the backburner, get the dust blown off of them. Now I'll be the first person to say that you cannot hold grudges on your current lover based off the actions from your past - they aren't the ones who did whatever to you, so don't build up walls and attack them for things they didn't actually do. (until they do it) Give people the fresh slate they deserve.

I was called stupid yesterday by someone who was arguing this with me. I like to believe in people from the start, I let them fail on their own accord. If someone tells me something, I'll believe them, what other reason do I have not to?! It may sound foolish, but what good comes of thinking everyone is lying to you, everyone is out to get you, everyone is trying to take advantage of you? It's a lot easier to throw up walls and not let people in than to do just the opposite.

"but i'm tired of getting hurt...i'm protecting myself..." That's bullshit. If you're not making mistakes you're not doing it right. How can you love if you don't allow yourself to do so...oh what, you want this magical moment where as much as you try to block someone out and push them away they keep trying, tearing down your walls like Reagan? No, that's not going to happen, because you'll continue to fight them off, no matter what, and then they'll eventually give up, and you'll be left alone saying "see, told you so" playing the victim card one more time.

So I let love in. Granted I'm not falling in love with every person I meet, I mean I'm responsible enough with my heart in that respect, but I've given up on all that wall making shit - it's tiring not only to build, but to keep up, and fight on all those stupid walls. I'm becoming more open with myself, not allowing myself to lie or be lied to (at least I hope that is the case..trying to make everyone around me be honest...), to just love and live incidentally. But I still have some things to work on...

I've been cheated on, witnessed friends cheat, been in a relationship with an engaged person - so yeah, fuck you to say I have "trust issues". When the world I see around me is as corrupt like that, it's hard to not have "trust issues." Why do people cheat, are humans not monogamous creatures, can we still be faithful and trusted? After being around the block, living life for the twenty-seven years that I have, I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, shit so alarming that it made me want to discredit the value (if any) of being in relationships and of relationships in general.

I'm jealous, I'm clingy, and I have an over-active imagination - which does havoc on my psyche. I fully trust my partner-otherwise I wouldn't BE with them-but I still have my concerns. Take communication for example. The girls I've dated are like myself in regards to how they use their cell phones...so when I don't get a reply to my text, I don't panic..it is what it is, people have lives, duh. HOWEVER one thing that will drive me absolutely crazy is either A) very slow responses in certain situations when otherwise the texting conversation is very fast paced..and 2) when we are having a conversation and then all of a sudden the other person drops off from the face of the planet (especially if they were the ones to initiate the conversation!) Then in those situations I get concerned...what the heck is going on, why can't they respond now, what are they doing? I do not think these things are crazy, or even "issues", these are common concerns you'd find in any person polled.

And from there we can go right into the issue of having opposite sex friends, or exes as friends. A lot of people I've known cannot handle it when their partner has either a large fan base of the opposite sex, or a member of the opposite sex with whom that person is really close with. Meh, I mean yeah, it's awkward at first, but I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I have a large fan base of women in my life with whom I talk to and interact with - but you know, it was just the other day I said how taxing that must be for the 'one' woman in my life, and how I wish to change that. Sure it's a positive thing to have a good mixture, but anything other than that is unsettling. I've said it before, I'll say it some more: Girls and guys are friends for a reason, the reason just so happens to be that most of the time feelings came into play.

I'll just come out and say it, I'm not a fan of my girl being friends with a guy when I know and She knows that he has feelings for her. Do I trust her, of course I do! (again, I said it before, if I didn't trust her I wouldn't be dating her), but-here's that infamous line- it's the guy I do not trust. It's cliche but I hate when people try to disregard it because of that fact, it's cliche because it's true. I'm a guy, I know guys, I know how guys are, I know what goes on in guys heads. Girls, you think you know what's going on, but no..when we start talking about women, or cooking, or cleaning, I'll ask for your input. This, however, I got.

Girls who are friends with guys, whatever...it happens, no harm no foul. BUT the moment that guy finally professes his love for her, shows interest, whatever...uh uh..no can do. There's a reason why people say they can't get in a relationship with their friend-because they'll ruin that friendship..YA DAMN RIGHT. or at least, that's what should happen...However girls have this thing in their head where they think if they say no, then that means no. Try telling this to all women who get raped every year...guys simply do not hear the word "no".

So after the true emotions come out, Sally tells John no, then they somehow magically (for some reason everything this past week is either magic or wizardry) continue to be friends. In the Girl's head and world, Sally has voiced her opinion and that's the final verdict. HOWEVER, in John's world it's a different story.

John has been turned down, but it's not over, he is determined, he will try again. And now that nothing between them has changed, he is especially determined. They are still friends, they are still close...he can still win her over. He will plot and scheme til he is blue in the face trying to get a way for her to be with him. I mean why not, Sally is still in his life, they still talk, obviously she must be entertaining the idea otherwise he'd be history by now. As long as Sally stays in John's life like it was before, John will continue to try and believe he has a chance with Sally. Again, Sally is set on nothing ever happening ..(everything can be peachy-keen and that's a skewed mentality)..but John on the other hand, as long as Sally is in sight, he can still fire away.

People with under-minding motives piss me off. In the last example John and Sally stay friends, for whatever reason, and all this really does is encourage John to try more and even harder. With John's "foot in the door", so to speak, he can retain that "friendship" where Sally feels comfortable. Comfortability is crucial for John to win Sally "back". Because John is a friend with Sally he now has insight into her life, commenting and critiquing on every guy that comes into Sally's life...is there for Sally's heartaches..and because of that comfort, will succeed in his quest.

It happens, it's real..I've seen it, I've lived it, on both ends. I'm tired of it. Guys have hidden agendas. It's for this reason I'm not friends with many guys, I cannot live like that, nor do I want that around me. If you've openly expressed feelings for a girl that I am dating and are friends with her, that will be the last of you. Yes she does have the right to be friends with whomever she wants to, and I'm not a controlling bastard that will tell her what she can and cannot do...but I do not like when my girl will willing put herself into situations that may jeopardize our relationship.

----->Sidenote: Any girl that listens to my concerns, has an understanding for my concerns, and respects my concerns is one HELL of a person...and I'm lucky to have found such a person<------

The guy doesn't want to "just be friends", if he did, he would have never dropped the bombshell that he liked you. If he was any sort of decent man he could retain his friendship, but slowly drift away into the night, putting his focus on conquering another woman. But no..this was something he wanted, was denied, and is rightfully someone else's. (For the record I know that women are not possessions, but for the love of writing, please just go along with it..it's not like this is the first time someone has ever said anything like this, and in no way is it meant to be undermining or belittling, sheesh.) Guy's like challenges, and that makes me more concerned.

So it's not the girl I do not trust, I understand her logic and where she stands, it's the guy who I know is relentless in his pursuit, badmouthing me whenever he can, there for my girl in her time of need, gaining that comfort which turns into something more...

say I have trust issues?...well it's because of fagots like you I have "trust issues" - you on the other hand must have mommy issues for the amount of pussy you try to snag on a nightly basis.

be gone you, before I learn how to do that one mile kill-shot.









"She says she doesn't want to hurt me - that's what happens in love and war, people get hurt..if they didn't there wouldn't be anything to die for"

I've Made a Huge Mistake

it's never too late..
..except in this case..

then it's called a regret.

I'm leaving Cali, once again, and returning to Indy - I cannot say "home" because "home" would infer that Indy and I were on some sort of good terms and loved one another..nothing further could be from the truth.

I don't understand why I never made my move out here in 2010, June, like it was all planned for...but then again, I kinda do. My first trip out to the state of Cali, El Eh in fact, was in July of 2009..there's no difference in leaving one hot place and going to another...I left Indy during the warm summer months for a place that was just equally as warm, big whoop...it was like driving to the other part of the city, with palm trees and legal U-turns.

This time it was completely different. I left Indy's harsh January weather for an 80 degree sunny welcoming of the Greater Orange County area. It's a different world out there because of this. I rented a convertible - they tried to give me a Yaris, so as I am standing there, looking at my little compact humility, I turned around...in the spot across from me was a 2011 white convertible Mustang, you know, the same Mustang I looked at prior to getting my VR4...I walked back to the keyosk and asked to be switched, it's my vacation after-all. I was told there was an unexpected warm front that made the convertible a possibility this weekend, I would have never known. I was also told during my trip that the air was oddly clear for the duration of my stay...apparently LA wants me.

Warm weather. From the moment I hopped into my Mustang I took the top down and got on the freeway - it reminded me of the time in Jan of 2008 TJ and I went to Florida for a week. He rented a mustang convertible as well - granted the weather was something short of 60 when we were down there, again, it was a lot warmer than the winter snowstorm we had just left in Ohio.

What aroused my self-being was the fact it was so comfortably warm, yes it's a dry heat , nothing like the humid 80 we have in the midwest, but coupled with the fact that while I was driving north on the freeway I was driving towards a mountain range. Far in the distant I could see the snow-capped mountains and I was overcome with this unspeakable feeling. It was 80, yet I could see snow still. This was just about as exciting for me as it is for my dick to see a hot chick in a white skirt. It was this..not humbling..but rather comforting feeling...like as if Cali was saying, you'll never forget home after you call this home.

And in a weird way, it makes sense. I always used to say I could never (did you see I said never) live in a place like LA that had no distinct seasons...that I would want the leaves to change color in the fall, that I'd want snow on Xmas, all that shit...and really, that's been the only prohibiter from me really wanting to leave any of the times...not wanting to change, to lose a piece of myself, not being able to adjust. As I grew older instead of becoming more acclimated to the constant weather changes, I grew more and more hatred towards it.

Life is too short to dance with fat chicks and deal with the cold.

I realize this now, in my opinion all too late. I wished I would have just taken the one way trip and never looked back...but something happened a year ago that made that not an option, something that will change the course of my life from here on out. I happened to to care of a gentlemen who eventually became my recruiter. With only one year left of eligibility to join a group I had secretly wanted to become apart of since I was a child I jumped on that last minute opportunity.

At the time it made perfect sense to me...for the past several years I've openly scoffed at the idea of ever joining the military, yet deep down inside tossed around the possibilities. About three years ago I actually took the initiative to talk to a recruiter. She told me I was old, even for back then, she shut down my ideas, I didn't like her, I stopped thinking about it. It didn't help that NOBODY I talked to about it had any bit of encouragement. Everybody kept telling me there was another way to make my dreams come true, to do this or do that, that the military was a stupid option, I wasn't military, that all these thoughts need to go away. I accepted their concerns as being real and moved on.

Then, I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact I was waiting on a recruiter, maybe it was me wanting out of Indy at any price possible, but I went back to talk to another recruiter. Again I had another life plan, it was accepted this time. I joined without telling anyone. It wasn't til after I signed my paperwork that I made the call to my parents.

My grandfather was the only one who was proud of me, everyone else was shocked and upset...from parents to friends - heck there's still a group of people getting signatures on a petition to make me stay. For once in my life I felt like I made a decision on something that I wanted, I WANTED. Looking back on the history of my life I've always followed in someone else's footsteps or lived the life they wanted me to live for them..people lived vicariously through me, people envied me...I envied them.

I moved to Btown because a group of friends invited me to, I worked at OG because a friend told me to, I worked up at CP because a friend said it would be good because he worked there and found himself, from there I moved to Hawai'i and worked on a cruise-ship based on one of my managers requests. After a second season at CP I moved to Indy because of a girl. Even my ill-fated attempts to move to Orlando were because of outside influences.

This time, this was me making a decision with no influences other than my own...my first real attempt at figuring out who I am and what I should do...and apparently that causes people to get all up in arms about it.

But now, I'm questioning my own decision in this...remember those life plans I had that were accepted...after more research and talks with recruiters, yeah, it's not possible. So I tried to change jobs, something I found interesting..I took the tests, I passed with flying colors, it was available, I thought I had walked through the door that opened when the other was closed...but I was wrong. The MOS didn't go through, I was stuck with my old job choice..the one I want nothing to do with because it will only remind me of a path that will dead-end, a life dream that will never happen, and possibly because I in't take that leap of faith three years ago..you remember, when I listened to everyone else except myself.

So as of right now, for the next four years I am supposed to do a job I want nothing to do with..and bitching about it is NOT what a Marine does. You are not supposed to care about what job you get so much as you are supposed to want to become a Marine - yeah I get that, but I know me, maybe not best but I still know me a great deal...and if I have to do this job for any given length of time, I'm going to hate it, hate my stint with the Marines, want to get out as soon as possible, making it only four years, and it'll probably still leave me wondering what the fuck to do with my life...let alone hate me for taking a chance on what I want to do, which will put me right back to where I was before, being directed on what to do next.

Sure a lateral move to that specific MOS is possible down the road, but if anyone knows me it's an all or nothing way of life..I don't want to fucking hop over and start over again on a MOS I wanted to begin with, I don't want to move backwards in this regard..It gets me so worked up thinking about it I'm actually getting flustered on the plane right now.

I'd much rather just gets sent to the job I picked, I wanted, and go from there...just to see what it's all about...you know..maybe I won't enjoy my time with the Marines, but I'd rather it be on my terms, something I picked, something I wanted to try out instead of going into it with a predisposed failure attitude.

All this makes me want to not go altogether. Not because I'm afraid of the hardships of boot, being away from...wherever..but because it's not going to be what I want..and there should be one phrase that comes to mind when you think of me, and it's, "I do what I want" - said in that really weird way i say it.

I don't know what I'd do out in LA, I don't have a specific dream I can really afford to follow, and I'm so over serving people it's retarded. I'm a man who's only getting older, with no degree except for in real life situations, who was never given and has yet to find a life compass.

I always go with my gut, but it appears he's out to lunch.










"I don't make regrets, I make decisions, regret is never an option"

Jinxed?

something's strange..
..and it don't look good

the spot that makes things go away

So I am coming to terms that I have yet another curse, if you're unfamiliar with any of my other curses, well...damn, I haven't wrote about them..that would have been the most opportune time to insert a link all up in your face about it...ok you got me.

This time the curse involves a little device called, my iphone. The problem area: the fourth position down on my "favorites" call list. I know it sounds absolutely absurd, but, whenever I add a name to that spot, shortly there after that person is removed from my life.

It ranges from such extremes as deaths, to breakups, to someone not having time for me...but whatever the case may be, as quickly as they are put into that slot, they are removed just as well.

It's happened so often now that, when I feel as if someone's number is worthy enough to go into my "favorites" section I hesitate, come up with reasons as to why they are not "special" enough to go onto that stupid page...just because I now fear for the worst.

obviously is someone is going onto my favorites page, or is up for consideration of such a prestigious honor, it's because i talk to them a lot...and if i'm talking to them a lot, then that signifies there's an established relationship, a connection, something that makes them standout from the rest....it's like being top five of your class..ohhh the wonders of being in my bubble.

but with this slot now cursed, i do not want to put that relationship into jeopardy just because for the convenience of having their number in that spot. But over time, by popular demand, getting enough signatures on petitions, passing through both the house and senate all with a majority approval, the earlier vetoes and roadblocks are overcome and that number gets a spot onto my favorites page..the fourth slot.

Why don't i just add someone I don't talk to onto spot number four and keep them there, thus saving all future numbers by sacrificing some random loner number....that'd be like trying to pass off a prostitue as a virgin to the gods, they know better and the wrath that would be endured is unimaginable..we're talking fire and brimstone here people! it's written somewhere in the scriptures...look it up!

What about if i were to put my own number in slot4?! oh god...that'd be like crossing the streams...and crossing the streams is bad...like all life as I know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in my body exploding at the speed of light. but that's kinda heavy...aren't there other scenarios.... maybe it would put me into shock and Id simply pass out. Or two, the encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that's a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

So, I don't know what to do, how to handle it for all future applicants...do I get it blessed? exorcised? what?

y'all think i'm crazy, but this is true life...alright fine...i'm crazy









"Cursed are those who create suffering and sin..."

Whoops...

whoops..
whoops..

whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..whoops..










"fucking whoops"

24 Hours to Live..Part I

Damned if You Do,
Damned if You Don't

you know...there's a reason why i don't finish writing and post the days events until the next day, then back log the time so it follows my life correctly and makes sense...it seems as if everytime i go ahead and make that post, try to call it a night, something is bound to happen..yesterday was no different.

Cpydi calls it quits chatting with me on aim around 1am...i just want to sleep and really should have been knocked out at this point completly..to the point where nothing should have woke me, not even a text message...but life doesn't work out like that..instead i was up doing the best i could to pass out...my phone goes off a little after 130 with a message of, 'r u awake?' i don't even take notice of who is sending me the text as my phone was sideways and i'm in the numb state from a half working sleeping aid, so i naturally reply, "of course, it's only 130...." - i should have taken a full pill

it was the ex, of course it was, and i was confused as to why i was getting a text from her - call it instinct or whatever, but i knew something was up...so we strike up a conversation, she asks if i'm in bed with my girlfriend - i still don't know where she gets her information from - so i try to just bore her with my anecdote of half a sleeping pill story..it only takes a turn for the worse...

all of a sudden she tells me she hates her life, everything sucks, and it just continues..i'm confused as i have heard nothing but how she has been livin' it up ever since she broke up with me, so this is truly a shock to hear...she goes further in deatail of what's been going on, yet being vague as well...she tells me she misses me, thinks about me everyday, and i'm just like - no..no, do not play those cards....they were supposed to be removed from the deck and not in play, ever...now i just wanna grab my chips and head out before more shit goes down..but again, i'm just in shock...

she tells me that she thought everything was all fun and games, but it's really not, she just wants to die, she tried committing suicide two weeks ago - stop, call me now...she won't, of course not - why would she...she now realizes what she has said to me and is trying to go to bed..she tells me i don't care, i sholdn't care, i don't love her, and all this is not my job...i tell her i do care, i care for her as a person, and although it may not be my job to look after her, i still am compassionate to her well being..i tell her if i didn't care i wouldn't be trying to have her call me at 2am when i have to be up in three hours for work....

of course none of this flies with her...i even go so far as to point out how dare she say i don't care about her when i can throw in her face the fact she has yet to visit my blog...i gave out clear, not instructions, but yeah, instructions on how to let me know she still cared - if yes visit the blog and read about me, because the people who read, care...if not, don't read..i'll know either way..i know it's not going anywhere and make a deal with her..i tell her to call me tomorrow after her one o'clock class so we could talk about things or i would drive down to The Hole and punch her in her face...she doesn't beleive i'll come down, tells me she's not gonna call, and says goodnight for the fifth time...

apparently all the ambien needed was to be circulated into my body with a racing heartbeat...i pass right after the text conversation.

i wake up and i'm comfy, i roll over to go back to sleep, but i feel a little too refreshed, i know i didn't have much time to sleep to begin with, just how much is remaining til my alarm goes off..i find my phone burried in the covers, click on the power button to reveal the time...i have negative fourteen minutes to get to work, coooooool.

i make the call to work as i run into the bathroom..i look at myself in the mirror to check my face, today's the other day and it's on my schedule for me to shave...i say fuck to the shower and shave and just decide to get dressed..

-->side story= As i am almost pulling into my parking lot i get a call from my manager B Hewey, he asks me to go and pick up two loaves of wheat bread, i oblige and head down to the marsh just a mile away..i find it, park, and as i walk into the door, i walk into the door..it doesn't open..i look and see a sign, open at 7..wtf? so i make my way over to the kroger a couple miles north...same situation..are you kidding me?! how are things not open in indy until 7..luckily as i turned back toward the restaurant being defeated by downtown, i saw that walgreens was open 24/7..i went inside and purchased the last two loaves of wheat bread..yay for today...

work is dead, of course, and i leave the place after 3 only because i was talking to a co-worker who came in to sit in the cocktail lounge..one of the few i have time for...i make my way back home, start to wind down, i'm bloody tired, but i check my phone - of course i wouldn't have a call or text, this is a test and it's game on...

i nap knowing i'll need all the energy possible to go forth with this absolutely retarded idea...i eventually wake up, shower, and get ready...i asked my friend Gary to join me in going to Bdubs...he thinks we are going to the one downtown that just opened, i've got a surprise for him...

i meet him at his place, his roommate Phil tells me how horrible of an idea it is to bring Gary, i told him i really needed the back up, because should this blow up in my face as i predict it, i'm gonna need somebody there for reinforcement..he understands that i gotta do what i gotta do and prays for me..

we drive..we drive...not even three seconds on the road and i already want to turn around....this has to be in the top five worst ideas i've ever had and gone through with...i can turn around at anytime...my gut tells me i've got shit for brains..i continue...

we show up to Bdubs at 9, a lot later than i originaly wanted, but her car is still there, so i'm assuming she is too..of course i pull up next to her car and park. we go inside, she's been cut, i tell the host to seat me and tell her she needs to pick up the table, i think i said the line, "for me, she will be uncut". i sit and hide in the booth...what a fucking stupid idea...Gary watches the interaction with the host and buttercup, i hide behind a menu, buttercup doesn't recognize Gary and some random server greets us...

i don't know if buttercup ever really saw me..at one point she came out from the back, got on her tippie toes to look over to our booth to see us, i made eye contact, but there was no emotion from her, she clocked out and walked out with her boyfriend...i send a text saying, "you should have picked up that table"

we enjoy our meal, kinda...our waitress actually sucked - i don't know what it is but that's like three bad servers in a row for me...it's an hour later, i've finished 15 wings, and two double gin and tonics when we decide to leave. i send a warning text to Buttercup, and then make a call....voicemail..i leave one saying i'd call back in 5 minutes so she could have ample time to remove herself from whatever situation she was in to talk to me..i drive around town, seven minutes later i make the call and tell her, in the nicest way possible, to get her stuff this weekend, that is all..

we get back on the highway and head home...i think it went better than expected?

Midway through the drive, Gary receives a phone call..it's from his most recent ex that broke his heart...they haven't talked in well over a month..he answers...he seems calm and cool during the conversation, until the phone closes..then it's a bust of emotion, that which rocks my car doing 75mph....intense...

we're back in indy and not but 2 miles from Gary's place and my phone rings, it's my ex..she's angry, angry at the 'mean' voicemails i sent her, she sounds drunk already on top of it. she questions my calls and my attitude, then questions as to why i came down - because that was the deal i created, no call and i'll come down (to punch you in your face) - she has two responses, "how am i supposed to remember that, i was drunk last night - and two - i don't have to do your every wish, like i did before, and shouldn't have done before...it's a freaking phone call...

i tell her i came down as jangus the human being who cares about the well being of those close to me, not jangus the ex, or jangus hoping to get back together..just jangus the friend...she tells me how she can't be friends with me right now -note, i said that to her two weeks ago and it wasn't ok, now that the words come from her mouth, they are golden....

she hates how contradictory i am - telling me how i always say i hate people, yet here i am saying i am caring and compassionate...i try to explain, yes i do hate people, i hate a lot of things, but the people who are closest to know, even those who don't know me that well, would all say i would give you the shirt off my back, not if you asked, but if i thought you needed it (ties into with me being a hopeless romantic, and yes i will pull over for broken down vehicles) she tries to tell me my at one time good friend Jade would not say that, and in fact would like me dead...

the ex continues to say that she won't be able to come this weekend to get her stuff - i pull the car over and shift it forcibly into park...i bite my tongue..'do you realize i live two minutes off the highway you'll be traveling on this weekend...' she snaps back saying she doesn't have time to carry a TV and fridge by herself...i try to calm myself down, she is really provoking jangus b to throw jangus a out of the way and take over the conversation...

my tunnel vision opens and Gary makes a mention that we are like one block from his place..i gather my senses and continue down the road, continuing the conversation as well. once parked i get out of the car and pace the parking lot, cool, one big open area for me to wander around in while lost on the phone. she ends the conversation saying she has a paper to write, i of course am upset with her always ending the conversation so abruptly, but oblige..she tells me she just wants her stuff back, i tell her to never drunk dial or text me ever again....especially when it's things that she doesn't really mean...she tells me she will never make that mistake again...

i walk inside, all eyes turn to me, a drink is placed in my hand..the night is still young, so don't stop thinking about tomorrow..yesterday's gone, oh, yesterday's gone for sure...

"Jangus A or Jangus B, which is it gonna be?"