Everything

I lost,
Everything

four syllables

I don't write on desktops.  No, spur of the moment writing is nothing that can be conformed to fit a reserved area of space.  My laptop is back up and running, kind of.  Sure it's the same laptop as before (though the keyboard and other oddities are gonna take some time getting used to) but the difference is, everything.  I lost everything.

I am referring to the harddrive that used to be in this machine..the one that so timely decided to fry up in the middle of me backing up the darn thing..destroying not only itself, but the harddrive it was backing up to.  I suppose it gained a little bit of me over the years and decided to go out like I would.

After trying several different companies to retrieve any bit of information from the fallen drive, all attempts came up null.  Pictures, documents, anything and everything from the past 4 years has been erased, as if it never happened.

Looking back, I asked November to do it's worst last year, it succeeded.

So that combined with not liking to write at my new desktop, still hating this horrible format change, and being completely busy are all reasons enough as to why I haven't wrote in so long.  Now don't get me wrong, there were times I came ever so close to banging on the keys, but obviously nothing came of that.

No classic year in review, no meaningless updates, nothing...not until the second week of the second month..ashamed I am.  Well, maybe I'll get my act together here..who knows..granted I'm even busier what with classes and so forth, but, I'll make due, I owe you that much.

stay positively tuned.








"Every end is a new beginning"

You

fucking

ruined

me

Sigh, that comment is directed to a number of people, including myself, so don't take it the wrong way. Ehh, I don't feel like going down that path right now, I'm still trying to catch up from this past week, what with the holiday and visitors and all. I guess I just wanted to get that statement out there, get it said. Funny, because almost every night as I lay in bed, right before I pass out I think of a title for my next blog - and they've pretty much all been something along the lines of one word phrases calling someone out on something.

It's sumer, and I don't write much in summer..I guess my mind goes on its own little vacation without me knowing it…maybe its just habitual now after all those years of schooling…may ending the year and the end of august kicking it back off.

I remember hating trying to get back into the grove of things in august..back on a sleep schedule, back on any schedule, back to making your head retain pointless knowledge all the while trying to remember everything you forgot in those few months off.

Maybe summer school would be good for kids..maybe year round school would be good for kids. Of all the archaic institutions in America, it seems silly to still let children off from school during the summer months to tend to the crops. Of course this type of thinking would only anger everyone…wonder why we are listed so low on the most intelligent nations list.

Right now everything in my life and around me is a mess…but not such a chaotic mess..more like that uncomfortable numb acceptance mess…like you're that sock in the washing machine that's just kinda sitting in the middle of things as the center blades churn back and forth. You're getting tugged and pulled in all directions, but it's not violent. You're kinda floating, not really getting sucked down into the mix of things..but you realize, even that would be better than where you are right now…because at least then you'd be doing something. you're just a sock in a washing machine, and nothing is living up to its purpose.

let's hope it's not a pink sock in the whites...

"to today, middle finger response"

You Don't Need To Title This

the post i wanna make

is the post i cannot make

so screw it

All this combination of meds and alcohol is starting to take its grips on me, shit right now i see four red squiggly lines...crap. All i will say is, Sailor Jerry (SJ but not the real SJ) and whatever I'm taking do not mix..especially in the afternoon...was it even after noon.i don't think so...

Whatever..the unDEr PRESSure.....the paIn..the everything is weighing dOwn oN me and I'm starting to lash out. It's getting bad, at least today was.

I had been awake since 730, don't ask me for what, I just was. I needed to get my car to the shop so my radiator could be replaced - they opened at 8 so i started to get myself together hoping to be in and out..of course i get there 30 minutes after they open and some other motivated individual has beaten me to the punch. I wait in the lobby with my foot propped up in the opposing chair and start a new book.

Seven chapters and 80 pages later my car is ready, and it's about time because I'm starving. As i make my way back home I figure I better stop somewhere and grab a bit..of course all the meds i need to take with food are back at the house, so it looks like take out is my only option. Since today was cinco de mayo I figured I'd go with the festive flow and get some Taco Bell, that's being multi-cultural right? Get back to my place, dig in, pouring a little SJ into the Dr Pepper I got in my combo meal. I should feel better knowing I have medical personel on hand..

i stop caring. since i can't rely on fucking medical doctors to care about my condition, why should i. and since i don't care, i don't expect anyone else to either.

LAter I somehow find myself at the church down the road, the one i volunteer at, the mission. I hobble along, making conversation with those who spot me, despite my incognito disguise - sunglasses and crutches don't cover the eminence that is me I guess. I make my way from the sun into the dark and dimly lit temple..stumbling along the way to the end...

I kneeled down, slowly, bracing myself like one does going into a pool. Placing my crutches to my left my sunglasses fall back down upon my face, covering my eyes. i leave them there, little did i know that was the right thing to do. i shut my lids and have a conversation with, someone..it's mumbled audibly, so one could overhear it if one were next to me, however, it's mumbles so i doubt anyone could really make it out. I try to ask for strength, for help, but i can't..i just can't. I'm conflicted with so many other things that it'd be selfish to ask for any bit of help, even on this.

I having a dying grandmother, that the doctors don't know what's wrong with her, who has endured a lot - she's beat off cancer once before - She's in the right trying to fight off death while i'm in the left with this..i can only ask that things go well for her. And I pray for my other family members, people in my life, and of course, her. As crazy as I'll be called, I still pray that she's doing ok..that's she's happy, or at least being able to deal with whatever fucked up craziness she's conjured in her head.

All this brings me to tears, which is about the time I thank the glasses for falling onto my face. I slowly compose myself, grab ahold of the crutches to my left and stand up. I hop on down the long aisle, hit by various rays of sunlight emitting through the upper windows, and procede outside.

I think about everyone, think about how i'm systematically pushing everyone out right now. I think about my "chubby" nurse who flocks with the same pigs. How I haven't heard from her in a month now..probably because of something I said, calling her out or what have you..I think about my CBad friend I upset the night prior, never apologizing for the words I said, only saying "ugh" when I found out i hurt her feelings.

I think about my know it all bitch ass 22 year old friend who is currently mad at me..because i called her out, or something along the lines. I hope she's ok as well, though by her lack of calling me I'm to bet that her world is a hot mess - I've realized that during her lapses in communication she goes off the deep end, not contacting me because, as she puts it "i'll judge" - or in other terms, call her out on her bullshit and try to give her real world advice that she obviously doesn't want to hear. I'm the one friend she knows she can count on for that, and most of the time people won't show up on your doorstep until they crash into the bedrock...there like the Catholic version of friends...trying to find repentance a little too late, for me at least.

i go back to the car and continue reading..the irony of reading a booked entitled "God Hates Us All" at the mission..i don't have much else to do with the day, and keeping me away from my home means keeping away from my means, so it works out for everyone. Eventually I sober up and drive home..I don't write this post until much much later, because honestly..it would have been too much for anyone to read..and i doubt i would have posted it..

So there you have a fraction of the day's thoughts in a few lame words.

"Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn"

Not Allowed

not supposed to

urged not to..

but what do i know anyway

I've come to realize it doesn't really matter what I do; good, bad, nothing...something horrible is bound to come from it. This is just an update...just to update...to prove that I don't just blog when things are good or bad or whatever..

I've got a lot to say, and I was working on "Our Story" - a recap of a what I believed to be a true love story occurring one special night...little did i know that night would be our demise?

the best night turned into the worst night somehow.

"I've never been more comfortable in my life than in that bed with you..."

Not Sure...

if you really hate me
or you fakely hate me

Not sure where I'm going with this...

I sat down in front of my computer a moment ago in hopes of writing something, I actually had something on my mind too...but all that vanished in an instance once I picked up my phone and made a call. I was surprised to get an answer, as I was typing out a text response as opposed to a voicemail for when the call would be ignored - I was caught off guard when my call was answered.

And as I sit here, but what, five minutes after initially dialing the number, I kinda wished it would have gone to voicemail, the ignore would have been less painful than the indifference I received.

I thought I was doing my part well. I had figured on my own accord to ease up, pull back on the heaviness of the relationship, essentially doing a 180 while still maintaining the bare necessities of a friendship - going from constant texting and calls from the moment either of us woke up, to a text midday (that went ignored, "busy") to a call later in the evening, the one that was answered.

I remember actually telling her I was giving her space while retaining a piece of the friendship, something that I acted like I deserved commendation for or something...but instead of being praised I was kicked down as she said "well obviously not" - I guess she didn't see the merit of my efforts.

And as I was on the ground starting to pick myself back up, more kicks came in...whether it was factual or meant to be a slap in my face she continued to be standoffish, only telling me how wonderful her life was, now, as if the absence of me was like the removal of some dark cloud over her.

she finished by saying she didn't feel like talking to me and ended the call in an abrupt fashion she knows all too well that drives me crazy. Maybe she's trying to get me to hate her, maybe she's trying to...I don't know..I tried calling a friend, I tried to do the right thing, I just don't know where I went wrong.

Should have never called, I would have preferred my last words to be the ones said to her last night.







"alright...i'll just g-"

I'm Only Happy When It Rains..

Well, not true...
I mean I like rain and all...

I only blog when I'm upset....

I have recently been accused of never blogging when I am happy, that I never write nice things about people, that my blog is a pit of despair....I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I guess it never really occurred to me, it's never really been brought to my attention before, and now that it has I'll naturally try to defend what i'm doing here...

Now I'd like to first and foremost dispel any rumor that I never post happy posts..never is such an infinite word and I never like to use it...sure happy posts may be few and far between, but there's most likely a reason for that...And no it's not the "my life is constant shit" excuse like you may be expecting to hear, however, it's the same reason why I hardly read books and such. I'm out living my life.

Now there are plenty of awesome stories about my awesomeness that have never been told on here. Why? Simply because I'm out living them. When I write it's a 'heat of the moment' type of thing. It's me writing, telling, exploiting these ideas and feelings for the first time. These manifestations are pure emotion, wrote at that time. I don't hang on to those feelings for very long, and get them out there as fast as possible.

When 'bad' or 'negative' things are happening around me, i'm more likely to be less active and just sit with those emotions. When positive activities or whatever are in my life, I'm out enjoying them to the fullest, not sulking around or sitting behind a computer screen.

This goes the same for why I don't read books. TJ always harped on me about why I didn't read that much, as you could always find his nose in a book. I told him I didn't have time to waste reading about other people's lives when I could living my own. I'll watch a movie because that's a couple hours or so out of my life I can deal with...but, I can't read a book in two hours..I don't have the attention span for that junk.

So when life is good I'm out living it..however, there is a flip side to my reason as well. As I explained to my friend, people respond better to tragedies than comedies. It's true. Sure, I love to laugh, people love to laugh, people love to feel good...but sometimes, those happy stories just make us more irritated with life. We see a happy ending and depending on what's going on in our own lives we attack it, we feel like those happy people are just rubbing their smug lives in our faces, we despise the happy story ultimately.

Tragedies on the other hand, allow a connection for people. People can relate to a sad story. People create a bond with the situation or characters based on personal events in their own lives. People's sense of loneliness vanishes as they realize others are struggling with similar situations as their own. Afterall, misery loves company. And for some, when they hear of a bad story they make a reflection on their own life, noting that maybe their own struggles aren't so bad afterall, and have a more positive outlook on their own life around them.

In a twisted sense, tragedies are actually positive stories when you break it down like that. I write tragedies not because I'm constantly depressed or anything like that, but rather because that's when I have the ability, the time to express my emotions in a passionate way.

That, and because it's cheaper than therapy....









"writing does for the mind what the moon does for the wolves..."

Bitch/Shut Up

sometimes..

some people..

just need to know when to..

if you're wondering if i'm doing alright, i'm not. I don't feel so much like do this, let alone anything at the moment, but I'm getting behind. I almost wrote up a blog last night, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm also glad for something else, but we'll get to that in a minute.

Last night was really bad for me - in all actuality it was an accumulation of the weekend with a short hiccup of positivity on Christmas that left me in the sad state I was in last night. Normally I can do a pretty good job of holding back on those emotions, but last night was one of those rare exceptions.

I was in a state of vulnerability, crying, and about to venture down the rabbit hole of my life with anyone that would have listened..let's just say it was really bad..

I'm also thankful for living on the west coast, though i find that in itself is a double edged sword. I make my calls to friends, and they all happen to be in a time that's three hours ahead - lucky for the both of us really. As much as I need someone to talk to, as much as I just want a shoulder to cry on..I don't..as I mentioned before, I don't want to go that far down the rabbit hole..I don't want to let people in on that side of me, the details, the reality of things...

I did get through to one person however, only because they too are here in Cali, so the midnight calls aren't that extreme. I was reluctant to call this person, I didn't want to bother this person with my troubles, i knew better, i knew they didn't need that, but..tears make you do funny things.

I called and my friend answered, which actually said/meant a lot to me. I played it off cool at first, but we both knew there was a reason for my call..and I started to break down...I would like to say talking helped, but it didn't..i know my friend said that they cared and wanted to listen, but i think once things got heavy they 'had to go' - story of my life.

So nothing was accomplished or resolved...and those emotions are just on a lunch break..soon to strike up again.unless something happens or changes. and lord knows i won't dare get that emo on here..

this blog has been pretty much a waste of space..both your time and my time..honestly i wonder if it would really make a difference if i quit this or not..or anything for that matter..

i knew better than to bother anyone..









"it's not about the odds, it's about believing she represents something…hope"

It's Cool...

I can use this title like a million times...
and still get away with it

because BOOM GOES THE DYN-

Oh whoops, sorry, but that last statement has been deleted...just like me..again..over and over again..deleted. Do i deserve such a fate, that's a stupid question....why did i just ask that..ugh, what am i supposed to say really..

why am i typing..who knows...maybe because i hope it'll make a difference, but if i just randomly jam the keys it'll be no difference than what i'm doing right now..

what happened in may, what happened in may...may...questions...ok

i am clearly making no sense what-so-ever, awesome. i feel like i need to keep pounding away on these little black squares or something bad will happen, ok, maybe not that extreme, but must..keep..typing...

i proclaimed a million and twelve things tonight..but the problem with being on the west coast is, i'm three hours behind those still awake over there..so when 1am rolls around for me here, i'm getting shit for responses out there. baH.

Yes, I capitalized that H, so what. I got an idea...how about you not delete me from everything and just talk to me...because that's what people do, right? why do you have to go to such drastic extremes when you won't be able to fully remove me from your life, your heart..we both know better...block me on this or that, take me out of the sidebar, whatever - as i said before, you can remove me from the physicalities all you want, however i will forever live on elsewhere - in memories in your head and your heart....

honestly, who are you trying to fool...ugh why does it feel like i'm blogging to an empty room...CAN YOU HEAR ME?! *echoes* awesome..i'm blogging for you and you quit reading...

maybe you really did quit me this time....maybe you really don't care anymore....









"fuck...now i'm really sad"

November's Over

so..
..what

It's not a month that's condemned..it's me

November came in like a Lion and left like a Lamb, I suppose that's a good thing..I mean the end note is usually what everyone remembers and reflects on...Michigan beat OSU, I rushed the field, people came around and back in my life, i realized what i missed and what mattered...it's kinda funny to think that one of the happiest days of my life came during the most hated months..

So there we have it, it's all said and done and now i can move onto the next month, right? Well, it's kinda silly to pigeonhole an entire month..i mean bad shit happens all the time, you can't just say "it's november" - as every last one of you has always said..

Sure November has now became a self-fulfilled prophecy, but there's more to it than just that. November isn't just bad for me however. November has the highest reported suicides out of any of month. For most, November marks a seasonal depression - what with the holidays, weather change, etc. So it may not seem fair to say that November sucks, but in all actuality, it's just that horrible time of the year..sorry 'bout ya.

Now yes, the end of October was bullshit for me, and that's why November came in hurting..and it seems like December is starting to do the same. The uplifting end to November was a high that could only last so long it seems, and once again we're right back where we started from.

Now I do apologize because i did take some time off from posting, i was on a roll, then as the holiday festivities hit, there went any time to keep up with the blogging, heck, I honestly don't know how i got thursday's post in. And as I tried to play catch up with my life once I got back to Cali, all I could think about was how I had something positive to write about...of course, as I now have the time to do so, of course it's no longer the case...

I've got more to say, this was just something to get my fingers going again, and now that i've gotten my routine back, i'll write some more...don't worry you three followers, lol.

So here's to you, to me, and all the bullshit in between.










"...."

Why Does God Hate Me So..

left..
blank..

yeah, that's what i got

I started to write this 3 hours ago....that was before i started drinking and before i started getting texts and phone calls...ugh...i was hoping to make this like a four part series, but now...i got nothing

i feel bla now and i am horrible with the keys, not alicia..wait, yes, in fact maybe yes...alicia keys, is that her name..ugh, my witty remarks are falling on blind eyes right now. I quit the daily booth today...it's something i have been toying with my head, in fact i told..i can't come up with a good name to call her right now...british girl? she was mad at the idea, but whatever, i'm over it...it's cause nothing but harm...just like that infernal time machine!

i don't know what it is, or what's going on..i'm tired of not being good enough..yet in the same breath all these bitches will say "you're so great"..really? if i was great things would be different...i'm great, but not great enough apparently.

how do i cause all this stress?!

don't fucking tell me it's not me it's you...i've heard that way too much in the past month to believe otherwise. obviously there is something wrong with me..i should have learned from...*shifts eyes left shifts eyes right* miiiiindy that i wasn't good enough, that i was good but not good enough. that i somehow had the excellence of picking the "best" times ever to enter into a girl's life...

i apparently will continue to be an erased chapter out of everyone's fucking life.....oh shit, there's that word again...fuck....i guess if i use that word, fucking, every other word it means i am not of sound mind to hold an actual conversation with because i am either being defensive or angry or something..fuck.

i'm sorry i follow my emotions and my heart..i'm sorry i was made this way...i think i cried more about tonight than i ever did that slut whatsherfuck..i'm ot really really good with names tonight, please forgive me..i spend enough time on the delete key, so give me that.

i just don't get things....if i like you, and you like me..what's stopping us from being together...

god is great and i am not...i'm not trying to steal your thunder, i'm just doing my thing, don't hate me for it...afterall, you made me this way.

well...i'm at the point where i want to break everything in sight, so i should just go to bed...way to go 11/11/11, you've definitely been memorable..







"43 q4 e r r ggggg"

Of Course...

this happens to be..
that time of the year...

you know, when i fucking hate everything...

I have so many things to bitch about, so many different rants to ramble on about, so many hateful things to say..that I cannot focus on just one at a time..I work myself up into such a tizzy i pass out on my keyboard..don't believe me, ask my skype buddy HazeyDays, with whom I fell asleep with trying to have a live conversation with (still doesn't trump the one time I passed out while going down on a girl...)

Granted I can focus on a topic for a minute here and there, but when i put myself down in front of a computer or person to go off, it comes out a mess...parts of this story and that story weaved together with the utmost incomprehensibility ever...did i just make up a word?

I'll get to this, i got topics to talk about..i'm finding the time not so much...i think i've been home for an hour or two today, not including sleep time..so yeah, i'm working on it..i have been making a conscience effort to keep nagging myself to blog..because boy howdy i got some things to fucking say...if you want angry blog posting, it's coming..

more than likely i'll say hurtful things, piss people off, and make others quote me years down the road saying something along the lines of,"your last words to me, via blog mind you, were fuck off" - classic jangus.

if i didn't need sleep so badly i would be on here rambling away...but just think..November is in a few hours, and we've already kicked off this years fuckfest with a god damn BANG, it's like October was a mother fucking pre-season for the mental raping that is November..way to go 2011, way to be awesome...

it's ok 2011 I'ma let you finish, but 2006 had the best November of all time..

fuck you, i'm out.










"**flips over table**"

What's the Fuck

how..
and why

it all started going wrong...

First let me apologize for kinda getting emotionally involved in the last post. It's not like me to allow myself to become apart of the post...normally I write about random topics that were talked about around me, things I notice, or whatever...I try not to let my current situations become the topic, but in my last post I did just that...the latter half was derailed by my current life and took you down a path that I didn't mean to go...and I think I'm about to do it again.

Today didn't have to start out as bad as it did, there was just something in the air I guess. My alarms went off at 9, as I had set them early for today, for whatever reason. Sadly, my mind-despite it being the morning and not functioning-can tell that it's "too soon", and so I'll go back to sleep. I did that this morning. Luckily I awoke only 15 minutes later, but really could not bring myself to get out of bed...I just didn't want to face the day.

But alas, I awoke. It was cold, but not as cold as yesterday..well, only speaking of the temperature..as for the rest of what I would endure, much colder.

While on break at my favorite nook in P'Bread I encountered my first problems of the day. For starters the internet was slower than normal..and normal is already painfully slow..like we are talking dial-up slow. today, simple pages were not even loading. A problem that was resolved on my third hour of my break..leaving only 30 minutes left. Which was about the time I was dealing with my second issue, my car, well cars. This one fagot who fucked me over on an ebay transaction a year ago, still having yet to make it up to me, I contact, in hopes they want to remedy the situation...that's a no-go. They block me from their site and do not allow me to send them messages now...awesome. The other issue is I'm still waiting on a part from Japan that was ordered over 2 month ago...best part is, after finally snapping, I make 2, yes two, phone calls and locate the part in the states..they'll have it by thursday. I love doing other people's job for them.

Then it was time for work...I won't get into the details, just know that I was very displeased by the floorplan and layout for the evening. At one point the chef, with whom I like, was asking me why I was so pissed, which got into a 'heated' conversation - not between us, but got me fired up -to the point where I yelled out, "If they are trying to push me out they need to grow a pair and tell me to my face they don't want me to come in, and I fucking won't" Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there.

Anything and everything was fuel added to my fire as well. One of my friends has been "really wanting to see me" for quite awhile now. Come to think of it, I don't know when the last time we saw each other was, a year?..best part is, we live in the same city...Now I continue to preach this, I am leaving in X amount of days, if people want to see me before I go, come to me. Give me a time, a date, a place, and I'll do my best to make it so. It doesn't seem that hard...but people keep telling me to come to them. Slap.In.The Face. Think about it..."Oh I really wanna see you, please let's hang out soon...followed by...hey i'm going out with friends meet me here" Look, if I was a priority, we'd be hanging out. People can talk and talk, but cannot support with. Like I've always said, I can tell you I will give you twenty dollars, that I want to give you twenty dollars, but until I give you twenty dollars, it just isn't fucking so. If you want to see me, you're going to come and see me. I got shit going on, yes I know that everybody has shit going on...but I think, in this instance, this scenario, my life changing plans going down in 19 days are a little bigger than you going through your life routine.

I get home and continue a Facebook status comment war I have going on with one of my friends on the alter ego account...I guess the guy was seriously mad or something while I was just joking around (of course) and he makes one last remark to which I try to reply to..uh oh, can't do that...wait..where did his name go..unavailable content..that mother fucker...I was blocked. So I sent a message out to him from my other, real account. Again joking, he again makes the last comment, then blocks me...I know awesome people.

but then, probably the thing I am most upset about, came shortly after that...you know, when it rains, it pours right? I really don't want to get into all the nitty gritty of it, however, I just don't know what to do, about anything anymore.

They say perception is reality..literally what you think to be true is true to you. How you see something is how you see it, the world, whatever. If someone perceives me to be an asshole, then, to them, I am an asshole. Whether it's true to the world or not isn't so much the case, that person, in their world, has made me the character of The Asshole. Now granted, overwhelming opinion can put values back into people and things, sway other's opinions, etc., people can alter their perceptions.

I'm not one to persuade people to think differently of me, and maybe that's a fault of my own, but that's not how I do things. If you hate me from the get-go, fine, that's your own shitty fault for that, maybe I rubbed you the wrong way, wronged you in a past life, whatever..I'm not going to force myself on you (physically or mentally) maybe after time I'll grow on you, maybe I won't, but I'm not going to try and make you think differently of me.

And maybe that's me picking the wrong fight to lay down for, because I mean honestly, I'm a kick ass awesome person, you should want to get to know me. But that does not mean I will not be effected by how you view me, how I make you feel...most of the time I upset people I intend on doing just that..it's when I "innocently" make people feel a certain way that I never intended on, that's when I become upset, let down - by myself. If all I am trying to do is love you, and you think all I like you for is your looks, I'm doing it wrong. and that's when I'll fight...maybe not necessarily fight to change how you feel, but to get to the root of what I'm doing that causes you to feel like that. (Yes I understand people can go bat-shit crazy for a moment and be afraid or feel things that are not really warranted..it happens, but you can't take this route out in an excuse for how you make someone feel)

I think this is one of my best moments of clarity I've had..you can't force yourself onto people and expect them to change...you can't chase down that crush and constantly throw yourself at them, all this will get you nowhere...you need to address what you are doing that they are perceiving. Like I said, get to the root of the source...don't tell them they are wrong for feeling that, convince them with actions, not words.

All this said, I don't know what I've done wrong..and people can sit and say all day, "it's not you it's me" and I'll still take it to heart. Whatever I did to today to make it so mad at me I do not know. I hate ending on feelings like this, because, as someone else goes to sleep, I stay awake...so it's not really an ending at all.

Even when I think I'm at my best, somebody sees me as my worst.









"If I ever say I want to work here again, shoot me in the fucking head - Don' worry, I know you won't be back"

Con..

Cuss..
..ion

noooooooooooooo

I think everyone hyped it up, now it's been implanted into my head that I have a concussion...sure I got into an accident..and I've been sleepy all day...and after I showered I found a bump on my head from where I hit it.....and my neck is sore....and i'm getting a little nauseous..

this is all because i read up on concussions!

my stupid mother tells me i have a concussion, then everyone tells me to go to the ER, and i'm all like, i'm fine, i've been in accidents before..i'm ok!

seriously...this is all in my head, sure i hit my head, but everything here is self implemented, self-induced

or maybe i do have a concussion...i don't know, it goes away though...the treatment is nothing..bed rest and Tylenol...I got this.

in other news, this concussion is clouding my thoughts - or i'm just scared about losing someone

in other news, this concussion is making my stomach turn - or i'm just scared about the sudden change of attitude

in other news, this concussion is breaking my heart...










"Symptoms include...everything that November makes me feel, awesome detecting this one guys.."

Ok, Ok, OK

self-fulled..
bad luck..

or just plain ol coincidence....

November is coming to a close, thank the lord, but not after wreaking enough havoc to break my will. Clean-up time on the damage is approximated at a year, I feel like New Orleans...every time things start swinging back, here comes another disaster...maybe I should disappear for the entire month and see how that goes....actually, I'd probably wind up missing and never come back...scratch that thought.

Believe me when I say I do not wish these things upon me, and I do my best to not acknowledge it is November, but for some reason there's a holiday or two in that month that remind me what it is, ha. Now yes, shit happens in any other month, just like..well, normal. So why is it that November's disasters are so cataclysmic? Is it because I put this month's treacheries up on a pedestal, shine light onto them and elevate them to be worse than any other of the month's mishappenings? maybe.

I wrecked my car last year in November..actually it was the weekend of Thanksgiving..roads were slippery, lost control of a car that has all wheel drive and I spun out. Well as luck may have it, I wrecked my car this year, in November, on the weekend of Thanksgiving - this time the road conditions were ok...operator error once again.

I lose girlfriends in November...maybe because I get all weird, push people away, or whatever it is I do, but people around me tend to not be around the following months. And the sad thing is, it's never how I want it to be. Unless I tell you to Fuck Off, I'm pretty sure you're still ok to be around me. Their presence is what I am counting on to make it through the month of November...so why drop the bomb on me during one of my most vulnerable times..haven't people ever heard you can't beat a dead horse.

my seasonal migraine flares up in November, causing me to lose focus on everything around me...people, work, activities, school, etc, all become effected by my huge change in demeanor. I do not want to be cold to them, but it's out of my control. I explain to everyone what is going on, but does little..when it goes on for a week, people just think I'm being a dick...and this is the one time I'm not actually trying to be a dick.

And let's not even talk about the Seven years of Tears, as I lovingly have called the UofM's streak for losing to those assholes in the armpit of America...Fuck the Buckeyes.

I try to fight it all off, I stand my ground, try to hold onto those people, try to not let the accidents and everything else get me down..I know it's coming and so I do my best to dig my heels into the ground and hold firmly...I know the month is going to throw everything at me, but I know I have to keep standing up when it does..I know all this, but yet still at the end of the day, the end of the month, all the fighting and all the garbage has taken it's toll.

This past week has been no different; each day bringing a new offense to the table, and nothing gets resolved as the next day rolls in, eventually the weight of it all added up cripples the psyche and November leaves me there to rot, to suffer, but not to die...that would be no fun.

As my corpse of a shell lay barely hanging on, my soul tattered and frayed feeling like a war-torn village, December creeps in, dropping snow over me. The commercialization marches over without taking notice, of me, of anything in it's path to profit. I lay. alone. in the cold.

maybe next year I'll be in somewhere there's warmth....









"Fuck the November rain, if the November Rain was half my worries I'd be fine!"

To Fight the Good Fight

or any fight..
..just fight

I'm a fighter who loves coincidentally.

Funny, this has come up on several occasions this week alone, so I feel it now time to be blog-worthy. We've all heard the phrase "I'm a lover not a fighter", but I honestly cannot recall a time I've ever heard the opposite said. Is society saying it is better to be a lover an not to fight, but what if you are fighting for what you love?

I guess I just love to fight, give me a cause and I'm there. My English teacher in highschool once said to me, "Jangus, not everything is a revolution!" I think I can see where he is going with this, pick and chose your battles, don't make mountains out of molehills, shit like that...but, I guess I don't understand that logic. If something is said, if something is brought up, obviously it's "big enough" to point out...so why bust my balls when I defend it? Maybe I can't live things down, let things go, but that's just who I am and what I do, I'm a fighter.

I hate it when people say it's not that big of a deal, it's not that deep, when they are the assholes who said it in the first place. They attack, I counter, I'm the asshole?! Failed logic right there. Just because I was able to squash your accusation or claim or whatever, just because I was able to defend myself, the other side, etc doesn't make me the asshole, buddy.

Every cause is worth fighting for.

As long as you have conviction, you have the right, no, the responsibility to fight. Now granted there are key ways to go about fighting, not every cause needs your full on militia, but be prepared to deploy them at a moment's notice when things get out of hand.

I got ejected from my football game tonight. I disputed a call, I wanted a touchdown overturned. I knew I was right because I was involved with the play - the guy was down a good two yards before he or the ball cross into the endzone. I was fueled to defend myself beyond normal arguing limits by the horrible play calling that led up to that point - sure it didn't help that our team was losing, but it didn't help that we didn't have a call go our way up to that point either. As I tried to explain my point, I got a flag thrown for unsportsmanlike conduct. As the sand-filled yellow flag hit the turf, I lost my cool. I said some choice words letting the ref know how I really felt. His response was, "alright 35 here's another." The second flag hit the ground, he tossed me from the game, and I laid into him. I figured I was already gone, there was no turning back, what was there to lose. (being ejected also prohibits you from playing in the following game, the following game just so happens to be the last game of the season).

I was upset, I stood up for myself, I stood up for my team (as I am their coach), I stood up against the horrible play calling - did I go too far with it, maybe, but I was only brought to that point by everything else. It's not like it was one play and I went off the deep end, it was antagonized.

I fight because I believe.

I have "fights" with people not because I am angry, nor because I am trying to cause problems, drama, etc; I fight because I want to evoke emotion from those people. One of my girlfriends once told me that we "fought' more than any of her other boyfriends ever did. Now I am using the term "Fight" really loosely here, hence the quotes. Again, these weren't real fights, just me challenging a person's ideas/convictions/beliefs...I do this to see how true and how passionate they really are. I like to play Devil's Advocate a lot, and a lot of people hate it a lot. People hate when they come under fire and they cannot come up with an argument for their reasoning, people hate when they are wrong (I wouldn't know, I'm never wrong).

I fight because I want to take a stand on what I believe. I fight because I know what's right. I fight because it's worth it. I fight because it's the only way I know. I fight because giving up is not an option. I fight for what matters most to me.

Tenacity, that is what defines me. I'm the fighter in the ring that keeps getting back up..even after the match is long over, I'm still fighting. Til I win I'll keep fighting. Til I die I'll keep fighting. I'm gonna keeping fighting for you. Always.










"You think we're fighting, I think we're finally talking..."

Urrrrrrgh

i want to write something..
..but all i can do is this

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"sometimes the worst feeling is knowing that even though you gave it your all, it still wasn't enough"

The System

I used to believe..
..but not anymore

it only protects those it shouldn't

I used to believe in working things through the set designed course-path, the system; but no longer...I forgot to add in the element that people could lie, even under oath. This Wednesday I went to court for my dog, a dog I purchased, loved, cared for, and had to temporarily let him go...all because some dumb bitch would not give him back. She lost me so she took the one thing I had in my life that I cared for, more than her, more than anything else, my dog.

Prior to any court dates, anybody who heard of the story has shown a general dislike to said girl, and told me to just show up to her doorsteps and take my dog back. I responded with that's not how things work, obviously there is a system in place for these reasons, I will go through the necessary hula hoops and get my dog back that way.

I figured if I go to court, tell my side, what more is there to it? Oh right, I didn't add in the fact she's a fucking lying bitch...my bad. So I have to go to court, on her grounds, with her daddy acting as her representation, in a place where he's on the board or chairman or some political shit like that...even though I was the plantiff, it was definitely an away game.

As she was called as a witness I was disgusted by the rehearsed dialogue spewing onto the courtroom floor. Her daddy holding her hand, guiding her words as he asked the questions for responses he already planned out. When asked by my friends why didn't I just lie, I said because the truth was better than any lie I could ever come up with, at least on my end.

The judge too was not on my side, not wanting to hear the story, only taking in what the defense said, disregarding half of my evidence I gave up midway through my fight. I kept my composure all the way up to one point where I finally had enough of the lies and could not take it any more. She gave a rehearsed legal term as to why she was withholding the dog from me and I burst out a loud "NO!" to which of course the judge said something to me about.

I came with a plan of attack, I had my documents, my defense, my truths...but I know it wasn't enough to match the evilness of lies told by the defense. I'll receive a judgment in 4-6 weeks, and frankly, I'm not looking forward to it. I do not have time to drive 10 hours round trip to play lawyer and have people make a mockery of the legal system using loopholes and lies.

I know she will read this, she still cyber stalks me, and I could not care less what she reads...I'm sure she'll use this against me in court too...or maybe sue me for defamation of character because I called her cunt, what the fuck ever.

I don't care anymore. I lost my dog to a person I entrusted him with, that was my mistake...and the cost was realizing that people will do great things out of spite, the cost was realizing that the person you thought you knew was a spineless scumbag reserved for the deepest depths of hell, the cost of my innocence that the system worked for good, not bad.

I never got a chance to tell her fuck off, so here it is now.










"he made me out to be a Michael Vick dog hating bastard...yeah well I fucked his daughter...in the ass"

You're Outta Here!

because you're a jerk...
..and so is that guy

The story of my ejection, yes, ejection

No, not ejaculation, there is no typo here, this is about my ejection from our football game on tuesday. Finally in five season I got my first ever ejection from a game, which also means I am suspended one game as well. Kinda harsh considering exactly what I, well we, were ejected for.

I knew my time would come, but I didn't think it'd be this season, heck, after the first two seasons I thought my time had passed, but apparently it did not. You see, as a player who is rushing the QB, for some reason there builds a riff between you and anyone that stands in your way...maybe not necessarily on the rushers part, I'll put blame on the other guy, naturally.

Inevitably when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, some crazy shit is about to go down. Here you have a guy rushing from a distance of about five yards at full speed into a guy who's been set in his position since the team lined up..shit's gonna happen.

tonight, however, had a build up, be it a quick one, it also had a quick ending. The play prior is the starting point for this, and in a matter of that one minute, enough tension was build, tempers flared, and you got people getting tossed out by the refs.

So on the previous play the opposing teams QB ran with it, up the right of the field and everything started to bottleneck. One of my teammates while chasing after the QB, stumbled, slid, and fell into the quarterback from behind. Instantly the other QB starts bitching about being tackled so on and so forth..to the point where even the ref told him to be quiet. I of course defend my teammate, saying it was an accident, obviously, and just basically man up. My teammates do not throw intentional hits like that. So as he gets up, he starts talking shit to me..mentions something about tackle, to which i respond saying if he wanted to we could go outside and play tackle, I've got two guys on my team who went to college to play football...and all i ever hear from those two is why they cannot tackle in this league. He mistook my retort as some sort of wanting to start a fight, and continued to talk. By this point both teams were lining up and I could no longer hear him. I asked the QB if he was still talking shit..of course I could hear noise, just not make sense of it. Then I told him to get the dick out of his mouth and play some football...of course the ref was within earshot.

the following events are incredulous. Hike was shouted and I took off from my corner position running straight in between two wide receivers, who were coming at in full sprint - the fierocity in the nature of running like that through me off but i stayed my course, veering onto the left shoulder of the innermost receiver. As I passed him I gave him a "chip block" as it is known in the game, just a push or nudge to throw the other person off as you run your route. For me, i open-handed (this is key) pushed him with my left arm and made my move to the QB. As I approached, the center was already engaged with the other blitzer so I was on my way to the QB, or so I thought. I watched as he cocked back his arm, looking downfield, about ready to make a throw. At that moment i jumped in the air in hopes of at least tipping it, little did I know the QBs intent. The moment my jumped reached it's apex the QB turned and looked right at me flying through the air. He then hurled the pass right towards my midsection, luckily, i had enough of time/reflexes to stop the ball from hitting me in my most sensitive of areas.

As I landed and the whistles blew, a very discerning sense of unsportsmanship engulfed the field. I was just starting to call out the QB for the intentional ballpunch to my nuts when the receivers, whom i passed, were charging back to me. Their allegations went from me punching them as i passed to me throwing an elbow to god knows what. This moment is a blur to me and so it's hard for me to give an accurate depiction of what really occurred.

I remember my team running up and getting in between me and the other team, even though I was walking away, ready to get back into formation. I did stop at one point to turn to the team, but only because I was getting yelled at and I wanted to calmly address them, honestly! The other team were all over the refs yet again and that's when they decided to toss me and one of the other players. I really don't remember who it was, it wasn't the QB, i think it was the receiver i pushed on my way by, but who knows. The ref came over to me and told me i was gone, all i did was look at him and say ok.

As i made it back to our bench, starting to undress, the other team's person who also got ejected started to make his way over, opening his mouth, asking me if i wanted to still 'take it outside' Once again my teammates who were on the bench with me got up to get in between. Me, well, I could care less..I really didn't 'start' a fight, wasn't looking to fight, i just wanted to play.

I changed itno my street clothes and walked away from the bench and playing field. I preoccupied myself with a younger kid tossing a football to himself. He proved to be a good distraction as chatted it up playing catch. The one instance I turn back to see how the progression of the game was going, I see our big guy bullrushing their center. A warning was given to us and I was about ready to call the game at that point.

There's no sense in needless anger. It's a game, tempers will flare, I know this..I play to win! but when it comes down to it, we all have our own lives and real jobs we have to go back to in the morning. Had the main ref been near my bench when the bullrushing occurred, I would have told him to just end it, i don't care how close we are to pulling off a comeback, just end the game...it's not for fun anymore and somebody's gonna get hurt.

but that didn't happen, and things calmed down a little. We still ended up losing, i didn't shake hands as i wasn't allowed near the field, and i apologized to my team for letting them down by getting ejected for standing up for them.

I talked with refs and organizers after the game, then my team as a whole, escorted me to the parking lot. We function as a team; we all look good together, we all look bad together.

and my hand hurts like a mother....

"*in the parking lot looking at my hand* You know, if these marks here are teeth imprints..maybe i did hit him in the face..."

It's Been Real

It's been fun...
but it hasn't been real fun..

OR it's cool man, i got this on my own

i'm in a real pisser of a mood...yeah i know it's cas/lax/thurs and all, but i think that's where my trouble began..well, i was doing my best trying to keep in the spirit of the once a week holiday, but it was others who did not want to participate, rather, they were anti cas/lax/thurs.

it didn't help at work that the regional director was there stressing out our GM more than usual either. what should have been a routine thursday double turned out to be a crapshoot. the morning bartender never showed up, so i set up the bar until a replacement was able to get in...but the kicker was that the credit for it was given to the man who brought me one bucket of ice..Mr B Hewey told everyone and even thanked the other server for "setting up the bar"...apparently when Mr B Hewey asked me to do so he meant to ask the other guy..whatever..

and so i closed lunch but was denied a break...yes, denied, so my break consisted of me pooping...which was harder than i thought it was going to be...see, some jackpad locked the door behind him AFTER he left....soooo sat the empty restroom, locked, so nobody could get in....thanks a-hole..

as for the night shift, well...let's just say 6 covers, barely making triple digits for the entire shift, both included...i was just happy to be out the door before ten...but from there it went from bad to worse...

i don't want to get into specifics, it was just one thing after another...and i let it get to me...and i turned into a whiny little bitch about it all...all i wanted to do was drink...but upon arriving home as i got out of my car i could hear loud music and "screams" which were supposed to be singing from some drunks in my apartment - nothing like a buzz kill. i tried to go into my own little world, ignoring the fools and cracking open a bottle of rum....but it proved to be pointless, so i went about finishing up my laundry and pouting.

i actually waited two hours before i wrote this blog as it probably would have gone a completely different route..but i digress, still gets to the point about how pathetic of a night i had without getting into the mushy details of it all...because...i really don't talk about things anyways..

i guess this makes up for how awesome last week's thursday was...but..it didn't have to end this way









"why do i wanna see your tits, how is that gonna make me happy...ok, there they are.........why are they pointing up, that's just weird..definitely not happy but more weirded out by this whole situation, thanks"

Who Invited These Guys?!

you left..
..they just showed up

mr. sandman and his crew are about to meet my fists of fury

i'm tired of these bad dreams i have been having. for the past four nights i've had some really messed up dreams...dreams inside of dreams...i've cried in my dreams...and the same person keeps dying in my dreams....it's very unsettling. there's nothing really consistent in all the dreams, other than who dies, but the people change, the setting changes, the way the person dies changes..i just don't know

i wish that my mind could deal with things during the day and give me my time of rest as an actual time of rest....i think of sleep as a form of vacation...and bad dreams are the canceled flight or lost luggage of that trip..pretty much null and voiding everything

and because i have these bad dreams, which allow for no actual resting, causing me to toss and turn all night, waking up at all these weird hours, not allowing me to go back to sleep, and making me feel like somebody beat the shit out of me sometime in between when i closed my eyes and woke up - it effects my day life, you know, when i'm supposed to be a functioning member of society

maybe that's why my managers said my attitude has been at an all time low..maybe that's why i am easy to anger..maybe that's why - i'm coming up with excuses..none of that...what i need is a vacation of sorts..time away from everything..maybe a drive, maybe a flight to somewhere i've never been before...hell, i got this passport with no stamps in it yet...one week, maybe shorter..i wish i didn't have to work and had a stock pile of money...like the good ol days, til enron died.










"Cheer up, sleepy jean[gus]. Oh, what can it mean. To a daydream believer, And a homecoming queen[bus]"