Horrible

fuck that
fuck you

"My dad died today," she said via text, "please leave me alone." In an instant I felt horrible for bitching her out, "are you fucking kidding me?!" i say to myself, knowing better to not type that just in case it were true.  I already diced this poor soul into pieces, I didn't know it'd be a blow while she was already done. Of course, the one day I decide to text her, blow her up, out of the several months I haven't, her dad dies; perfect timing.

How did it get to become like this; how did I get to become everyone's hated number one; how did I get to become so horrible?

I realize what an old friend of mine said to be true, a subscriber of this blog once said to me, "If I were to title your blog, I'd call it the 'troubles of being genuine' " truer words have never been spoken.  People aren't used to this sort of brass tactics streaming from the orchestra...the aren't used to the abrasiveness of the chili in their mouth.. and yet, for some reason, at first, they are drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

I was on a roll this week, already losing 5 friends of FB in just two days, I figured why not take care of that kindling just laying around, the one I've been putting off for some time now, see what kind of sparks can fly if i were to kick it.  

I was heartless, offering condolences for her loss, I still stuck to my grounds, telling her to leave me the fuck alone.  I was pot committed by that point.  I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and no hearse was going to get in my way of finishing the mission.  A lesser person would have broken down, but the person on the other end of the receiving texts was not a kind soul, no sympathy to be spared.

November is only half over, and I've caused enough destruction to last a year, if not longer.  I'm not sure what other 'bang' I can go out in, but I guess I really wasn't prepared for this November when I encouraged it to "do its worst"

poor choice of words I had.









"it's not personal...don't take it personal"

April

30

days

What are you waiting for

Here I lay, wasting on the final day of the month, a month that is supposed to be celebratory in nature. A month that opens with tricks and lies in the name of a gowk; then ends in an opposing fashion, as if by chance some form of Gregorian redemption. Truth is I found a month to beat any reigning champion Mr. November.

In a month that carried over a certain inamorata ambiguity, turned a snow white ball of zeal and tossed it from Mt Olympus. Never before have I endured such a twisting, spinning sensation.

Even before my arrival day I was given the role as the spouse Joseph. This immaculate news was bugging to the conscious as for the next five days I'd spend pouring my heart out to anyone on tap; all the while trying to reconnect to an intercepted call to Katz.

Though after those five excruciating days, any whispers of Jack and the Beanstalk were graciously sanctified, but only at the juvenile disclosure of felonious finger pointing.

To go into great depths in the matter at hand is far too premature, despite my truthful salaciousness.

The next crippling blow would fall just a fortnight later. A maple floor with two bruisers would throw a wrench on my fast break to the ending of the game.

Leading to my chanty febrility condition, and in attempt to prevent a decubitus ulcer I rode a Pony til the fervor reached her too, as an unbeknownst bleeding dried her up - and the hot water I found myself in resonated all too at home.

The conclusion of a cursed month does not come with any cerebral celebration, nay, as the exodus moves right into the remembrance of my dearly departed; The Jangus' best friend.

Not certain how much more I can Put-on, as I am running low on these Caps.

"pains"

November's Over

so..
..what

It's not a month that's condemned..it's me

November came in like a Lion and left like a Lamb, I suppose that's a good thing..I mean the end note is usually what everyone remembers and reflects on...Michigan beat OSU, I rushed the field, people came around and back in my life, i realized what i missed and what mattered...it's kinda funny to think that one of the happiest days of my life came during the most hated months..

So there we have it, it's all said and done and now i can move onto the next month, right? Well, it's kinda silly to pigeonhole an entire month..i mean bad shit happens all the time, you can't just say "it's november" - as every last one of you has always said..

Sure November has now became a self-fulfilled prophecy, but there's more to it than just that. November isn't just bad for me however. November has the highest reported suicides out of any of month. For most, November marks a seasonal depression - what with the holidays, weather change, etc. So it may not seem fair to say that November sucks, but in all actuality, it's just that horrible time of the year..sorry 'bout ya.

Now yes, the end of October was bullshit for me, and that's why November came in hurting..and it seems like December is starting to do the same. The uplifting end to November was a high that could only last so long it seems, and once again we're right back where we started from.

Now I do apologize because i did take some time off from posting, i was on a roll, then as the holiday festivities hit, there went any time to keep up with the blogging, heck, I honestly don't know how i got thursday's post in. And as I tried to play catch up with my life once I got back to Cali, all I could think about was how I had something positive to write about...of course, as I now have the time to do so, of course it's no longer the case...

I've got more to say, this was just something to get my fingers going again, and now that i've gotten my routine back, i'll write some more...don't worry you three followers, lol.

So here's to you, to me, and all the bullshit in between.










"...."

ThankFool

Food..
Family..

Some of the essential F's to have in life

Thanksgiving has always been the one holiday during the season that I've ever actually cared about. What's more odd is how this one holiday just happens to fall in my most despised month of the year as well. It just seems a little peculiar that there would be a time in this month that I actually looked forward to...maybe November isn't as bad as I thought..

Now I never minded working on Xmas Eve or Xmas Day, those always were scratched off of my Holiday Request Forms anyway. However, working on Thanksgiving was just so...un-American to me? Maybe not as bad as working on the Fourth of July, but I'm sure pretty darn close..

I could try to come up with a reasoning for why Thanksgiving has a special place in my heart, but really, looking back on the past 10 years, those reasons really wouldn't hold any weight. I don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the most traditional sense - how the needy pilgrims almost on the verge of death tricked and conned the natives into sharing food allowing the pilgrims to survive and ultimately that would be the natives demise..having those settlers only to take over more land, kill, and push further and further West only to be secluded to what could accurately be described as concentration camps...you may be used to the phrase "reservations", same difference.

No, I take a more modern approach to the day, which has in my opinion, adapted over the years. Back when i was a kid growing up, it was a big feast and spending time with the family. The adults cooking massive amounts of food that you then would be trying to consume for the next week or so...but for me, it wasn't that family orientated..it was the same three people i saw on any other dinner..i don't recall any sort of traditions..Xmas music played, the fire place would be going..that was about it.

After highschool, those unsettled years, is when i believe i started to develop a sense for this holiday. Being on my own and not having a real home anymore I was picked up, adopted in a sense, by other families, friends, coworkers, etc. Being welcomed into someone else's home brought forth what the meaning behind this special day was. Being apart of others traditions (JELLO SLAPPING HERE), going 'round the table telling what each of us were thankful for, even though it was new to me, actually meant something. Having people open up their homes and kitchens for you on a day that is generally meant as a family get together stirred a warm feeling inside of me and gave me a sense of belonging - even during my weakest of months.

During those unsettled early years I focused a lot on the holiday shopping, making Black Friday apart of the holiday rituals. I anxiously stayed up all night, driving out to the malls and big stores, waiting in line, fought the crowds, sat in traffic, and was apart of the mayhem. It excited me. Most people said I was crazy for wanting to go out into such a mess, but after being out in it, I wasn't the only crazy person, in fact, I'd say there were a lot of them. Now granted, I didn't have lists, or agendas, or itineraries to follow - sure I looked over the Thanksgiving ads and spotted some things I wanted to grab, but I don't think I did it for "the savings"

Maybe the only type of saving that really was happening was a saving of myself. Being apart of something larger than me, the hustle 'n bustle, the crowd, and all the emotion that went into that day, that weekend, made me feel alive. Perhaps it was a culmination of that day, Thanksgiving, and the beginning of the holiday season that help cause an upswing to get me out of my November funk, driving home that final nail in the final weekend before a new month, and soon a new year began.

This year I am not spending Thanksgiving with family. And like years past I will probably just wing it, people tend to have more of a sense of pity this time of year. Whether I eat some turkey from an oven cooked bird or in a sandwich I bought from Subway, I'll make due. I didn't send out a mass text to everyone in my phone like so many people do; rather this time i sent the "Happy thanksgiving...i'm thankful blablabla" - a personalized account of what i was actually thankful for. As wonderful as it sounds, it of course could only be performed in such as a backhanded compliment that only the Jangus could give.

All in all, i'm not sure what i'm really thankful for, this year could be erased for all i really care - but that discussion is more for my year in review blog - i want to be thankful for having a girlfriend be faithful to me while i went to bootcamp, but i can't say that. I want to be thankful for meeting someone who challenges me in a way that only i've been known to do, but i can't do that. i want to be thankful for my new career choice, but i won't do that. I want to be thankful i'm not in indy, but i'm finding Californians rate pretty close to how horrible indy was, so i can't do that. i want to be thankful for a Michigan victory this weekend, but i can't do that, yet...

i'm thankful for the blessed union of mark and ginger - their enduring relationship is the only thing that really gives me hope for anything. God bless you two. Cheers.







"Thank you for being a frie-WILL SOMEONE TURN OFF THE RADIO!"

(Apparently)

Love..
is..

not enough..

It's taken me all the way until now to realize this horrifying fact, love is not enough. Well, that's apparently what others would want me to think...and you know what, maybe they are on to something.

All my life I've always been a hopeless romantic, wearing my heart on my sleeve, believing in something so powerful, so amazing that is love..but yet as time went on, I grew older I also became more bitter, more cynical, more jaded...every heartbreaking moment would only leave all those little pieces of my heart more and more jagged..to the point where reassembling it at times almost seems impossible.

I've probably wrote a million times how "true love" doesn't exist, how foolish it is to think out of the billions of people in the world you were destined to be with just that one. We've just been brainwashed by media, society, and everyone we know that it's real, it's out there, it's for you...We've heard the songs, seen the movies...we know the parts, yet, it doesn't pan out like that...songs, stories, books, movies...they are just an amplified exaggeration of something that's real...like putting a stick on a horse's head

We all want to believe in something so good (no bash on religion here, I have enough demons to slay at the moment) that we strive for our version of it, mold it to be what we want and just pretend...those who are in love are guilty of pretending.

and pretending is knowing something isn't real, love isn't real...because if love were real, let me tell you, it would be "enough."

You can't sit there and believe in a thing called love yet in the same breath say that you need more, love just isn't enough..Love, by definition, is supposed to be enough..Love is the Answer, Love is all that matters...so when you tell me that "love isn't enough" I say to you 'bull'...I don't want to be apart of that horrible world where you don't really know what love is, for if you did, that would be all you needed.

Nothing else matters if you love someone..it doesn't matter if they're young/old/black/white/stupid/smart/whatever...if you have love in your heart for someone, if you have these feelings for someone..they are there...they are real..they are there for a reason..to say you need more, or it's not worth it, it's going nowhere is a farce..it's a lie..because if you actually cared, actually felt, the end would justify it all.

You go on living your life thinking there's more to be in love than love, and I'll keep pretending that love is all you need, because at least in my world there's possibility.

i'll keep pretending.










"Love conquers all"

Of Course...

this happens to be..
that time of the year...

you know, when i fucking hate everything...

I have so many things to bitch about, so many different rants to ramble on about, so many hateful things to say..that I cannot focus on just one at a time..I work myself up into such a tizzy i pass out on my keyboard..don't believe me, ask my skype buddy HazeyDays, with whom I fell asleep with trying to have a live conversation with (still doesn't trump the one time I passed out while going down on a girl...)

Granted I can focus on a topic for a minute here and there, but when i put myself down in front of a computer or person to go off, it comes out a mess...parts of this story and that story weaved together with the utmost incomprehensibility ever...did i just make up a word?

I'll get to this, i got topics to talk about..i'm finding the time not so much...i think i've been home for an hour or two today, not including sleep time..so yeah, i'm working on it..i have been making a conscience effort to keep nagging myself to blog..because boy howdy i got some things to fucking say...if you want angry blog posting, it's coming..

more than likely i'll say hurtful things, piss people off, and make others quote me years down the road saying something along the lines of,"your last words to me, via blog mind you, were fuck off" - classic jangus.

if i didn't need sleep so badly i would be on here rambling away...but just think..November is in a few hours, and we've already kicked off this years fuckfest with a god damn BANG, it's like October was a mother fucking pre-season for the mental raping that is November..way to go 2011, way to be awesome...

it's ok 2011 I'ma let you finish, but 2006 had the best November of all time..

fuck you, i'm out.










"**flips over table**"