Start Me Up in the New Year

out with the old..
..in with the new

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ?

Sometimes kids, you realize that the term "best" is more of a time frame than a state of being. When thinking in terms of things or people, those "bests" don't always last. You find yourself soon realizing someone you would have put your whole trust unto has disappeared; their moments of caring ticked away like a clock. I realized this shortly after midnight turning to this year.

You see, the turning over into a New Year means a lot; who you ring the New Year in with kinda sets the tone for how things are going to be, those are the ones that (should) matter most in your life; you kiss that special person with that magical kiss to start the new year like the big bang as fireworks go off all around you. And it's not limited to just those with you, but those with you in heart, who send you the calls, the texts, the little notifications letting you know that they wish to have you apart of their lives in the upcoming year.

I was fortunate enough to celebrate the New Year three times this go around. Being on the West coast does have that advantage(?) I suppose. Around 9pm calls and texts rang in from everyone back in Indy and elsewhere east coast - that's where the majority of my well wishes came from. One hour later my Chicagoans followed suit, however, in a smaller quantity. (Freakin' time travelers...)

It was right after that I made my way into my New Year celebration destination, and it would be shortly thereafter I would discover what is and what should never be, but more on that later.

When midnight hit here in Cali, there were no massive amounts of texts or calls - by then the majority of those I know had already hit the hay..and of course, it got me thinking.

...that people really take me for granted. That I'm some sort of dispensable novelty with an expiration date. And I'm not talking about everyday nobodies - though, I'm sure even to them I'm something much more than you ((you as in not the reader because obviously you are reading and therefore care, but I couldn't say them because it would have gotten confusing)) ever made me out to be) - I'm talking about those who have claimed I've made a difference in their lives, that I mattered, that I was something special, something great..someone they said those three magical words to...ily

I thought back to a couple days earlier when I was having a rough patch and as I finally made that effort to talk to someone, I was discarded..without so much as an attempt for a follow up call later in the week. Or how about not too long before that when I finally opened up with the real truth to someone, someone who stated they weren't going anywhere, and was erased from existence.

If people really don't care now, what is there to say that they cared then either. In a lot of instances nothing changed, the dynamics of emotion and caring were still present, at least maybe on my end. No matter what or how it all went wrong, that doesn't change how I feel; so why should it for them? Is it wrong of me to be a man of convictions, and if my mouth breathes the words that the actions have already occurred in my heart. I can't take back caring for someone when they were a significant part of my life. I understand people part ways or go on with their own lives, but to stop caring altogether?

It was in those moments as I stood on the rooftop patio, cell phone in hand, vodka tonic in the other, that suddenly..i stopped caring too.

Just because someone tells you they care, they love you, they want to be there for you...it doesn't change anything about who they are. It's the same as if someone were to play classical music while they raped you...it may sound nice, but their actions are tragic. And you can try to hold onto that speaker of words as long as you want, hoping to drown out the real pain..but in the end you realize you can't polish a turd, and that some people are just shit.

You see, sometimes the best resolution is that you just need a little start in order to stop.









"...5...4...3...2...1...Good Bye"

The Year En Review - 2011

The Good..
The Bad..

Well, actually, mostly bad...

I've actually been looking forward to this post for what is probably a week now..anytime it came to mind I'd have to stop myself in those thoughts..I didn't want to review the year before the year was actually coming to a close..

Before we dissect 2011 we must first go back to where 2010 left off. Of course 2010 had it's up and it's downs, but, in all essence it left on such a positive note, things were looking up for me. I was in a relationship with a girl, with whom I loved. I knew my countdown for my last days at work by the second. I was looking ahead to doing something I actually wanted to do. On my last day of the year I finally cut those golden locks I'd been growing out for the better part of the year. And even though I turned around on my way to that Playboy party in Chicago, I think I spent it where I needed to - though, Playboy Parties have always done me right..something said don't go..maybe it was because I got off of my fill-in position too late, maybe because..I don't know, but I turned around...and even though I had no alternate plan, even though as I almost passed out at my place..I made something happen, and it was good.

2010 left on a good note, and I was really looking forward to 2011 and all that it could bring, boy was I in for a surprise. January I made a trip out to Cali, only my second ever, to see a girl. And as great of a trip it was, it was horrible as well. It made me question every little thing that led up to that moment in my life..what was I doing..why hadn't I moved out to Cali before this..whats the fucks...things really didn't explode until a week or so after that visit.

In February I blew the transmission on my beloved 3000GT, which, even though I had master planned out to work to the very minuet detail, I would soon find out in months to come that it was a bigger headache than it really was then. I also said my goodbyes at several parties, packed up my things one more time, got on that plane heading west, and on Valentine's Day stood on those yellow footprints.

The next three months were..for lack of a better term, ridiculous. I remember just trying to get by every day, thinking of my life I once had...those memories became more and more fuzzy as the days continued on. Apparently Charlie Sheen went crazy, there was an Earthquake in Japan, Osama was killed, Rebecca Black sang about Friday, and probably some other stuff, who really knows..

Graduation came on a Friday the thirteenth...my friends showed up, I saw my girlfriend, and we all spent the weekend in San Diego..a place I had been for 13 weeks without ever seeing. I got 10 days off, saw my family..saw friends...but then it was back to MCT, or Boot Camp Part 2..and from there..it only got worse...It was three more weeks of that crap before I entered, easily, hands down, no objection, the worst part of the year..Guard Duty. It may have only been 4 weeks but it seemed like an eternity (Four weeks?! That was it?! Even as I type that it doesn't seem right..If my life were to flash before my eyes, 80% of it would be Guard memories...)...if Boot Camp and everything else didn't make me lose myself, this did. I will probably bet that it is safe to say that Guard was the worst part of my Marine Career..already gonna say it...there it is.

From there it was August and to school in Virginia I went. One more month of just trying to get by, just trying to be done with all this crap and 'student status' and being treated like a petulant problematic stepchild.

I survived the Earthquake and the Hurricane that 'rocked' that area, and on September 1st, I was back in Cali..where I thought I wanted to be. I remember selecting the West coast, hoping to get stationed in Cali so that me and the now former girlfriend could be closer together. (And besides, my choices were Japan, West Coast, and East Coast..nothing appealed to me about Florida or DC at the time.)

Ever since I've been out here I've been struggling with a lot of things. For the longest time I didn't know what was going on, why I didn't feel right. I couldn't get a grip on things, I couldn't find my niche, I couldn't find people, I couldn't find where I belonged...what I really was missing was, myself.

I know that only on a couple of occasions did I actually freak out on my friends for not being out here, with the root of it being because I was out here, yet, I really wasn't. I was a mere shell of a person with no identity..an empty tabernacle. I had been living off of what was given to me from the Corps, with some minor additions I purchased along the way..two C-Bags worth of crap..I had nothing.

Over Thanksgiving I was able to make a trip back to Indy, my first time back since mid May. I filled my bags with as much stuff of mine as I could take with me - at the airport both bags were over 50 pounds...and my carry on was around 35.

Since that point I've started to ease myself back into myself (that sounded so sexual..), a rediscovery of who I was in a sense, trying to make me me again...the me everyone knew me as before I went away at the beginning of the year. And it would be during this reaffirmation when things would backfire for me, backfire in such a way that it seemed almost as if I was being punished for doing the right thing.

So I sit here, on this Eve of the New Year reflecting back on all those things that happened and seeing how the bad really outweighs any good this year..and any good that I tried to have, only ended up being bad somehow.

Other news in 2011 I took a virginity, my girlfriend broke up with me, I spent way too much on car issues, I met a girl who I thought could be the difference, I was given the worst slander ever, I rushed the field after UofM (finally) beat OSU, I started drinking heavily, had to stop working out because something popped in my head, and who really knows/cares what else..

If anything 2011 sucked, a lot, leaving me to hope for a better 2012...because it would take an awful lot to make 2012 suck any more than 2011..and besides, the world is supposed to end in 2012 so we got that to look forward to right?

Who are we kidding, we know the world doesn't end in 2012, Marty travels to 2015 and back..









"You know 2011 is just a two and a zero with two middle fingers right?"

2011

New Year..
knew nothing

same ol same ol

My first post of the New Year..I didn't do my yearly wrap-up like I enjoy doing..heck, I didn't even accomplish my goal - which was to make more posts than my lowest post year ever (2007 with 42 posts...I fell short, 34). So now I feel bad, I'm upset, I failed, and really...I don't know why..

When I think about everything that went on in 2010, and as much of a kick as I got going on later in the year, out of the 365 days, I only published 34 posts?

This year does not look promising either. I have, what, 39 days before I have the next who knows how long off and away from a computer. Well heck, even if I post everyday until then I'll still beat last year, as sad as that is.

So in short, stay tuned..enjoy the posts..enjoy my updates...but don't get too attached because it'll be all gone, once again.

take me as i come cuz i can't stay long.










"..but this year goes to eleven.."

It's a New Year

new beginnings..
not really..

yay...a new year, a time for new...things?

so i brought in the new year a lot better than i brought in '08...granted it was not completely how i wanted it to be, but, a step up is still a step up, and that's all we need right, baby steps? i was with friends, i wasn't at work, i drank champagne, i had balloons fall on me, i kissed a girl at midnight, all things good, just one element missing really. speaking of kissing a girl...i think..i think that this was the first ever new years i've rung in by kissing a girl, a legitimate kiss and a legitimate girl

looking back i can recall countless times of me and a girlfriend supposed to be spending the end of the year together, but for whatever reason, through whatever arrangements, it's never worked out...'01 through '04 the bitch of an ex always started a fight with me and would purposefully not be with me on that time..this would later come to bite her in the ass in '06 when she tried to come down to btown and 'redeem' herself for years prior...i blew her off, it was unannounced and we hadn't spoke in a long time..it was just weird...that's not how a romance story begins...

ughh, sorry, off topic...last year i rang in the new year with douche tools in a restaurant bearing my own name, away from all forms of family or friends or lovers...i vowed to never work on NYE again, i'd take the hit to my bank account on that one and call it a night...i need to have some sort of normal life..

my new years day really consisted of nothing...i watched football games, felt bad to be apart of the big 10, built a gingerbread house, and just enjoyed the days off...i toyed with new years resolutions and sayings...what's popular seems to be "Fine in '09" - honestly i don't know what that means, i'm content with '09 as long as it is better than the year prior....a resolution i'm gonna try is, "being nice in '09" - we will see how long that lasts...especially after i already made a girl cry because i "put her on the spot" - whatever...i just try to help people, and its usually an awkward situation...maybe i'll stop being a better person in hopes to be nice...what a twist...

"Hoooouse"