how am i not myself?
i didn't sleep the best, but i'm not blaming anyone for that, i was just happy to have had a bed to sleep in. i kept waking up periodically through the night, i wasn't really tired, more of a hungover state, and a lot going through my mind as always. i was in a new place and my mind tries to take in everything it can, i'm like a puppy, way too excited...it didn't help matters that to start off the sleeping extravaganza i had one key and three doors to choose from, i got it right the first time thankfully. i woke up when Betty came rushing into her room a little after 10 to get ready for work, i would have left, but she told me to go back to sleep...i loved the dichotomy of our two characters, she probably went to sleep as late if not later than i, and here she is all bright and bubbly, and me, well, you all know how mornings treat me...
i think i go back to sleep, but who knows, i could have just laid there for the next two hours until i decided it was time to go. i hit up the post office on my way back to town, hoping there is another card with money in it from my paternal g'parents..no such luck, i'm happy with the first card though.
my next, and last stop in btown is my storage unit...normally i'll bring something down with me to put in, and i'll usually take something out as well...it's a nice even exchange, but this time i arrive empty handed...i will always make a stop if i am in town though...i never know what i may need and i never know whats in there...i don't like to spend a lot of time in the storage unit, in all actuality i don't even like going to my storage unit..i see it as a place where i threw my life when my life ended years ago...like so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions, i've bunched up my stuff and thrown it into a place not readily available to myself or those around me. digging through my cluster just reminds me of times long ago, i see items i had long forgotten all about. i remember the first time i took buttercup to my storage unit, she was in awe of all that i had, i recall her saying, "jason, if we ever get a place, we are all set, you already have everything we need to live, i thought you were joking" - the only joke here is that it's all in storage, everything.
i had the day off and i was in reality buying time, or killing time rather, both of which you can really do neither...i figured if i kept myself occupied in the storage unit, one of the several other people i contacted the past couple days would surely have time for me now..
i was in that storage unit for the better part of five hours, doing what i am not sure...everything that i did should not have taken five hours, but alas, it really did. i had something in me, so i started organizing the place up..it looked to appear that anytime i dropped anything off, i did just that, just dropped it off somewhere in the heap..and if i needed something, or went looking for something, it was all torn apart. today was my day to put it back together.
when i left CP near the end of '06 i put on my To-Do list to combine both storage units, the one in NWI and the one in Btown. At CP in '07 i knew that is was definitely a possibility given the knowledge of time and money from the previous year...but unlike at the end of '06, i did not take any break what-so-ever in '07...in fact i had three jobs in almost three states, with no days off..what a fool i was...
so here i sit, in my storage unit, rummaging through discarded memories held onto only to give myself some sort of past dimension, a dent in life so to speak, so as if when i die, i'll be remembered because of the stuff i have..not so much. we try to quantify things, give them a sense of purpose or meaning..could i live without the stuff in my storage, yeah, i'm doing it right now...it doesn't have much of an effect on me, and as i said before, i'm not even sure what is in there...and think, i have two of these units scattered across Indiana...now granted my other one is much smaller, but it is packed to the brim...it is also the cheaper one..but i wouldn't mind having an extra 30 bucks a month tell you what...
i really should combine the two..honestly...i just made all this room..well i guess that's why it's on the To-Do list, things i wish i would do, just never actually do because something stupid comes along
by the end i had two bags of trash and one paper bag to take with me filled with shit i just wanted to sort through....i found some of my old notebooks, or journals, with random tidbits here and there that made me giggle...i wanted to take them with me so i could sit and review some of the shit i wrote years ago and reflect, and probably wanna punch something..also something to note, in all those books i found at least one page where someone, a girl, and most recently the ex, had dedicated a sheet to tell me how great of a person i was or whatever..if only i could freeze frame that and see what i did then versus now...i'd probably be a better person...
after finding three notes and one card i yelled in my spacious box, "who the fuck am i? who the fuck was i..what the fuck?!" where did this person go..i heard all the time in '07 how my servers wanted the '06 jangus..how could a year had that much of an impact on me..did Hawai'i ruin me in some sort of way..i thought i was still the same person, i mean it felt like it, i still wore the same clothes, liked the same food, listened to the same music, even had the same ID...how the fuck did i change..
i remember asking people that all the time last year...the same people who wrote me those notes in '06 were the ones that were not fans of me in '07..what was so different....god i hated '07, i tried making everyone happy, and ended up pleasing nobody at all, and in the end, i was unhappy because nobody was happy. i even told buttercup to not get involved with me, forewarning her i was not capable of a relationship...
isn't it funny how we as people feel the need to protect others from ourselves...how many times has a girl used that line on me...how many times have i used that line on them....sure we may know ourselves at our worst to the fullest being the hardest self-critic and all, but who are we to stop someone from living their life? who the fuck are we to say, 'sorry no, i'll hurt you and i don't want that' you know what...that's fucking selfish...and you know what, you'll never get over that inability to 'hurt' someone else...and then you'll be hurting more than just yourself, you'll be hurting everyone.
after everyone made their excuses i jumped off the ledge pulling on the weathered yellow rope to assist down the large garage door to my storage unit. the door crashes to the ground making a loud noise and kicking up a bit of dust and dirt into the air. i slide the latch into place and maneuver the lock around to get it to stay. as the metal on the lock clicks i'm not only locking up my stuff, but i'm locking up memories - good times, bad times, times when btown and the people in it were something worthwhile...well, something to make me stay for two years..and something that makes me keep coming back....maybe it is just the memories.
i think i go back to sleep, but who knows, i could have just laid there for the next two hours until i decided it was time to go. i hit up the post office on my way back to town, hoping there is another card with money in it from my paternal g'parents..no such luck, i'm happy with the first card though.
my next, and last stop in btown is my storage unit...normally i'll bring something down with me to put in, and i'll usually take something out as well...it's a nice even exchange, but this time i arrive empty handed...i will always make a stop if i am in town though...i never know what i may need and i never know whats in there...i don't like to spend a lot of time in the storage unit, in all actuality i don't even like going to my storage unit..i see it as a place where i threw my life when my life ended years ago...like so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions, i've bunched up my stuff and thrown it into a place not readily available to myself or those around me. digging through my cluster just reminds me of times long ago, i see items i had long forgotten all about. i remember the first time i took buttercup to my storage unit, she was in awe of all that i had, i recall her saying, "jason, if we ever get a place, we are all set, you already have everything we need to live, i thought you were joking" - the only joke here is that it's all in storage, everything.
i had the day off and i was in reality buying time, or killing time rather, both of which you can really do neither...i figured if i kept myself occupied in the storage unit, one of the several other people i contacted the past couple days would surely have time for me now..
i was in that storage unit for the better part of five hours, doing what i am not sure...everything that i did should not have taken five hours, but alas, it really did. i had something in me, so i started organizing the place up..it looked to appear that anytime i dropped anything off, i did just that, just dropped it off somewhere in the heap..and if i needed something, or went looking for something, it was all torn apart. today was my day to put it back together.
when i left CP near the end of '06 i put on my To-Do list to combine both storage units, the one in NWI and the one in Btown. At CP in '07 i knew that is was definitely a possibility given the knowledge of time and money from the previous year...but unlike at the end of '06, i did not take any break what-so-ever in '07...in fact i had three jobs in almost three states, with no days off..what a fool i was...
so here i sit, in my storage unit, rummaging through discarded memories held onto only to give myself some sort of past dimension, a dent in life so to speak, so as if when i die, i'll be remembered because of the stuff i have..not so much. we try to quantify things, give them a sense of purpose or meaning..could i live without the stuff in my storage, yeah, i'm doing it right now...it doesn't have much of an effect on me, and as i said before, i'm not even sure what is in there...and think, i have two of these units scattered across Indiana...now granted my other one is much smaller, but it is packed to the brim...it is also the cheaper one..but i wouldn't mind having an extra 30 bucks a month tell you what...
i really should combine the two..honestly...i just made all this room..well i guess that's why it's on the To-Do list, things i wish i would do, just never actually do because something stupid comes along
by the end i had two bags of trash and one paper bag to take with me filled with shit i just wanted to sort through....i found some of my old notebooks, or journals, with random tidbits here and there that made me giggle...i wanted to take them with me so i could sit and review some of the shit i wrote years ago and reflect, and probably wanna punch something..also something to note, in all those books i found at least one page where someone, a girl, and most recently the ex, had dedicated a sheet to tell me how great of a person i was or whatever..if only i could freeze frame that and see what i did then versus now...i'd probably be a better person...
after finding three notes and one card i yelled in my spacious box, "who the fuck am i? who the fuck was i..what the fuck?!" where did this person go..i heard all the time in '07 how my servers wanted the '06 jangus..how could a year had that much of an impact on me..did Hawai'i ruin me in some sort of way..i thought i was still the same person, i mean it felt like it, i still wore the same clothes, liked the same food, listened to the same music, even had the same ID...how the fuck did i change..
i remember asking people that all the time last year...the same people who wrote me those notes in '06 were the ones that were not fans of me in '07..what was so different....god i hated '07, i tried making everyone happy, and ended up pleasing nobody at all, and in the end, i was unhappy because nobody was happy. i even told buttercup to not get involved with me, forewarning her i was not capable of a relationship...
isn't it funny how we as people feel the need to protect others from ourselves...how many times has a girl used that line on me...how many times have i used that line on them....sure we may know ourselves at our worst to the fullest being the hardest self-critic and all, but who are we to stop someone from living their life? who the fuck are we to say, 'sorry no, i'll hurt you and i don't want that' you know what...that's fucking selfish...and you know what, you'll never get over that inability to 'hurt' someone else...and then you'll be hurting more than just yourself, you'll be hurting everyone.
after everyone made their excuses i jumped off the ledge pulling on the weathered yellow rope to assist down the large garage door to my storage unit. the door crashes to the ground making a loud noise and kicking up a bit of dust and dirt into the air. i slide the latch into place and maneuver the lock around to get it to stay. as the metal on the lock clicks i'm not only locking up my stuff, but i'm locking up memories - good times, bad times, times when btown and the people in it were something worthwhile...well, something to make me stay for two years..and something that makes me keep coming back....maybe it is just the memories.
"never is forever....forever, well that has limits"
2 comments:
ahahahaha! If only you knew where I put the camera!
well....it's probably the most boring channel to watch on your TV..either the room is empty cuz i'm at work...or i am laying in bed with my lappy on top of me..exciting i know....and of course there is the sleep..which only takes a couple hours...
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