Accidentally I

sorry

not sorry

hashtag smiley face el oh el hey.

I don't know how I didn't come up with that phrase a long time ago...thinking on it now, I probably did, just never stuck around..and now it's a trending topic on twitter... And before I even get started, what the fuck has been going on with people lately - maybe it's just been an off week for some, but now that summer is here, let's try to roll it the eff together.

And I'm not sure if a certain person is trying to get me to post about them or what, because it sure as hell seems like it to me. SNP has been pushing all the right (or wrong depending on how you look at things) buttons, saying the things, creating a situation all on the ingredient list to fire up my fingers. It's a distraction that has my head displaced more than it should be, more than it can really take.

I'm always so understanding, and that's one of my biggest downfalls..because I let people get away with shit that no person really should. As much as a person I am to not have time for bullshit, being able to walk away from many situations that don't warrant any more effort on my part, it's not always the case. When it comes down to certain people, I unravel their "bullshit excuses" - as deemed by everyone else in the world - and acknowledge obstacles, shortcomings, and essentially collaborate justification for them.

But as the shit builds up, I'm left in a quandary - do I make it down to the lavatory, or do I just shit myself with this one right here. I never know what to do in those situations because by then, I'm in too deep. I'm emotionally pot committed, I swam too far out from shore and didn't save any for the swim back, to back out now would be even more devastating (to myself) than any problems I may actually be incurring in my own life.

There is never an easy answer for this. Backing out at any point to me seems like failure, and I don't fail here. I believe what makes it worse is the fact I believe in the propagandous alibis, the one's I should have said goodbye too long ago. Instead I excuse the excuses, erroneously eradicate reason, reason being is still unrevealed.

I pause.

"the sound the record makes as it changes to the next song..."

Unrewarding Profit

right is wrong,

wrong is to write

bottom line is i'll be left over.

I've been wanting to write lately..most of it is short quips, conversation pieces, thoughts, questions..nothing substantial..I never feel as if those are 'good enough' to be post-worthy, as if somehow the numerical value of words put forth onto the screen somehow directly relates to the self-worth of the post...tell that to Ulysses...

And most of those random bits are part of a larger conversation, ones I'd wish to have with you. Of course none of this at the present time is authorized to be said, so i have to bite my fingers on all this...and wait.

When the time does come, the results finally come back from the lab or wherever DNA is unionized; the flood gates will break, of this I promise you. And when those results come back and I am cleared of any ludicrous claims, justice rightfully being served..it still won't change a thing.

Yet again I will have "won" another round, while losing what really mattered to me in the process. Sure it's a win on paper, but i still have to live with the rocks being thrown. Yeah, it's an epic battle that was won, but the war is already over...and the only thing i've won is to live another day, to see another stupid battle.

There's so many little lessons in this - "winning isn't everything" can come to mind..i never thought these situations were possible, I've never heard of such a possibility. I sue for my dog. I win in court. Don't get dog back. - I get accused of sexual assault. Tests come back negative. Girl still believes her fairytale. Frankly, my Win-Loss column is very confused.

The whole argument is just one big affirmation that I'm correct, but fuck you. Like a pre-season win..sure you won, but who honestly cares?! Like wining a game-show and coming home empty handed. If I'm not wining anything after I win, then for what is the purpose - I mean not to sound materialistic or anything, but if these are 'moral' victories; can it..the only lesson learned is that all this is taking it's toll on me.

and of course as my fingers hit the keys so do my lids close together. All night long I've just wanted sleep this off, i guess better late than never?

same goes for an apology.

"Well, it happens all the time. It's censored from our minds. You'll find out"

Start Me Up in the New Year

out with the old..
..in with the new

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ?

Sometimes kids, you realize that the term "best" is more of a time frame than a state of being. When thinking in terms of things or people, those "bests" don't always last. You find yourself soon realizing someone you would have put your whole trust unto has disappeared; their moments of caring ticked away like a clock. I realized this shortly after midnight turning to this year.

You see, the turning over into a New Year means a lot; who you ring the New Year in with kinda sets the tone for how things are going to be, those are the ones that (should) matter most in your life; you kiss that special person with that magical kiss to start the new year like the big bang as fireworks go off all around you. And it's not limited to just those with you, but those with you in heart, who send you the calls, the texts, the little notifications letting you know that they wish to have you apart of their lives in the upcoming year.

I was fortunate enough to celebrate the New Year three times this go around. Being on the West coast does have that advantage(?) I suppose. Around 9pm calls and texts rang in from everyone back in Indy and elsewhere east coast - that's where the majority of my well wishes came from. One hour later my Chicagoans followed suit, however, in a smaller quantity. (Freakin' time travelers...)

It was right after that I made my way into my New Year celebration destination, and it would be shortly thereafter I would discover what is and what should never be, but more on that later.

When midnight hit here in Cali, there were no massive amounts of texts or calls - by then the majority of those I know had already hit the hay..and of course, it got me thinking.

...that people really take me for granted. That I'm some sort of dispensable novelty with an expiration date. And I'm not talking about everyday nobodies - though, I'm sure even to them I'm something much more than you ((you as in not the reader because obviously you are reading and therefore care, but I couldn't say them because it would have gotten confusing)) ever made me out to be) - I'm talking about those who have claimed I've made a difference in their lives, that I mattered, that I was something special, something great..someone they said those three magical words to...ily

I thought back to a couple days earlier when I was having a rough patch and as I finally made that effort to talk to someone, I was discarded..without so much as an attempt for a follow up call later in the week. Or how about not too long before that when I finally opened up with the real truth to someone, someone who stated they weren't going anywhere, and was erased from existence.

If people really don't care now, what is there to say that they cared then either. In a lot of instances nothing changed, the dynamics of emotion and caring were still present, at least maybe on my end. No matter what or how it all went wrong, that doesn't change how I feel; so why should it for them? Is it wrong of me to be a man of convictions, and if my mouth breathes the words that the actions have already occurred in my heart. I can't take back caring for someone when they were a significant part of my life. I understand people part ways or go on with their own lives, but to stop caring altogether?

It was in those moments as I stood on the rooftop patio, cell phone in hand, vodka tonic in the other, that suddenly..i stopped caring too.

Just because someone tells you they care, they love you, they want to be there for you...it doesn't change anything about who they are. It's the same as if someone were to play classical music while they raped you...it may sound nice, but their actions are tragic. And you can try to hold onto that speaker of words as long as you want, hoping to drown out the real pain..but in the end you realize you can't polish a turd, and that some people are just shit.

You see, sometimes the best resolution is that you just need a little start in order to stop.









"...5...4...3...2...1...Good Bye"

Just Nothing

when good enough..
..isn't good enough

putting the 'bla' in blue35tuesday...

I'm not feeling this...any of this...after a second day of libo, second day of (kinda) doing what I wanted, wearing what I wanted, being who I wanted to be, I feel blaaa. It was shortly after returning from the gym and eating chow when I felt this discontent with the world. This feeling would only grow on me as the night dwindled down to a close.

Maybe it was the fact of dealing with the engine/trans issues that have been lingering on since...after boot..maybe because my $20,000 vehicle has been sitting and rusting away since Feb of this year...maybe because even after all is said and done I won't have the money to deal with the shitty situation..maybe because this situation - as a whole - i mean everything -- is not to my liking.

I'm not enjoying my time in guard - the man who could turn any situation into something enjoyable is apparently losing his touch it would seem. I hate how we [guard] get blasted like we are still recruits..we don't get the freedom or privileges that even ITB is getting..and I hate fucking up

Getting called out on shit upsets me, not because those who are doing the calling out are picky sons-of-bitches that really need something better to do than take our their mommy neglecting them when they were children issues out on me..but rather because I failed. I hate failing.

All throughout my childhood I've always been in the top percent on anything I did (except swimming, but who the fuck cares about that...) I guess once my name got out that I wasn't the run-of-the-mill child I got away with more and more...Example was back in highschool, I was interested in applying for the Advanced Placement U.S. History class. In order to get selected you had to write an essay on a certain drawing or something along those lines, yeah, it as like an application process pretty much. Regardless I wanted to know what the course was like so I went and talked to the teacher for a little bit. After the discussion I decided that I would apply for the class. So one week later I turned in my essay and as I am doing so the teacher looks at me baffled..he asks me what I was handing him, I explain my application..to which he tells me that all I had to do is say I wanted in and I got it...

Here I haven't amounted to anything yet, and more than likely I will not make a career out of this...I actually see myself using my MOS skills and security clearance to become one of those defense contractors...and make six figures...Yes, money is the answer to 99.9% of questions and problems. I'm just trying to figure out what that other .1% is...

Maybe I'm beating myself up, maybe not...you are you're own worst critic they say. Well, maybe I'm not as harsh as my mother who said my blog wasn't anything worth reading - lol. Yeah she said this to me over my boot leave but in a conversation we had last night she doesn't recall it...I guess she reads this tripe and actually likes it...I can't think of anyone who really doesn't enjoy this little blog

Even you, yeah you..secretly reading away checking on my every move..seeing if I'm doing something else 'stupid' - welcome to the reality that is my life. You can read away..I'm just someone else, but a lot more interesting..and maybe if you were to actually know me..you wouldn't hate me? Of course I cannot make any guarantees on that, you either love me, hate me, or love me then turn to hating me. So I suppose anything is possible...you'll see, if you haven't already as you've read deep into my psyche, that I'm really not that bad of a person and I've never meant any harm..it's just a really fucked up situation and it's hard to make sense of it.

I hate sounding all emo and shit, and this blog really doesn't need that type of misdirection, but sometimes that's the only time I want to write...It may not be my best writing, but it's something out there...and I know not every day I can write, some days you're on, some days you're off - granted I'm on more often than not ;-)

I miss things..I miss photography..I miss TJ..I miss living my life.







"you always seem to make something good great"

The Beginning..

of some ends..
to a means..

Daddy, always said, "son.."...wait no, that's not it

"Jangus, everything is not a revolution", the one phrase that plays back like an annoying ad you see ay every commercial break. No it wasn't said by my father, rather it was an english teacher i had two years in high school; a phrase that i'll never forget and never be able to live down.

i know i've had to mention it on here before in some previous post as it always seems like a reoccurring theme in my life..the only advice i hold onto, yet, sadly can't do anything about. so i apologize in advance if now i've turned into the broken record.

they say we study history as to not repeat it, to learn from the past - funny, some of the biggest mistakes are made without any regard to past events. Being a history buff that i was back in the day i always like to make reference to WWII. In this situation i'd quote Hitler when he said, "where Napoleon failed, i will succeed" the irony is that that never happened and Hitler made the same mistakes Napoleon did, fighting a multiple front war.

is it just human ignorance that we disregard other's past failures, is it an ego boost of superhuman characteristic to think we can do what other's did not, or is it optimism at it's best - i know the latter with the positive note threw you off...

Whatever the case may be i'm going to be guilty of trying my hand at the same demise maker that is, fighting the multiple front war. combine that with the "everything IS a revolution mentality" and you'll see your forces stretched very, very thin.

they say when it rains it pours, and once again i feel as if i am fighting to keep myself dry with only a napkin. fighting every cause that arises with a piss and vinegar attitude all the while taking on new fights and arguments will quickly get you into a 'you versus the world' mentality.

that's about where i am headed right now.

but i know i have my support out there, it's just the front lines, or those in the closest proximity of your life, whether be it physically, emotionally, or destinationly, are always the ones you'll find that change sides and you end up fighting against.

over this weekend i've somehow managed to have declared war on three different fronts - and though those fronts are not at all surprising as they have all been something that have been in the making, it still comes as a shock...now when i say i have declared war it seems as if i am the one taking the initiative to attack, rather that is hardly the case here, if ever - which is why it always feels one against the world.

the problem with me is, if someone wants to fight, i'm more than likely going to fight back, and to my fullest extent. and with three fights picked in two days, it only fuels the" pack up and go" type of attitude that in the end only would cause more damage. of course each and every front on the opposing side doesn't know about the other fronts that are being fought - so when push comes to shove with me and one front, that one front gets the anger and onslaught not equivalent to just the one fight, but to all the fights combined. Again, it's like the breaking straw, the kid that snaps, the bottle that explodes; the end reaction isn't that constituting of one action, but many added up.

if "all's fair in love and war" i fight fair, but it's dirty. with revolution type of fights you're willing to do what it takes to change the tide - most people will fight just because they're bitches, i fight like there's a cause, something that actually matters on the line...this usually results in me doing "drastic measures" ultimately cutting off those other fronts high and dry. i'm an extremist, i know no mercy and will show none, i'll put everything on the line just to walk away with a "victory", even if it means losing everything in the process. my ego versus other's irrational attitudes. what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force...they disappear and i move on...

this is just the prologue...and i'm the narrator?










"see, the thing about me is, i don't save any for the swim back.."

The Straw

that broke my back..
but didn't silence my voice...

the tale of childish games and those who play them

it may come to no surprise that i can endure a lot of shit, take a lot of heat, bottle a lot of things up - but of course when doing so, there's always a breaking point, and someone else behind the explosion..there's always somebody pushing the buttons, crossing the line too many times that causes the building up, and then the final burst...tonight was no different

the story starts off on a positive note, not the typical case of the mondays. it was one of my days off and i planned on getting things accomplished, or so i thought. one of my fellow co-workers sent me a text saying they were sick and asked me to pick up - having my hopes set on doing some of my goals even with the late wake up time i agreed contingent upon a later in time...my request was granted and i was due in at 5

that gave me plenty of time to go to the gym, the bank, get some food, shower, whatever it is i do...all this put me in an uber-good mood - so much that even though i walked to work i was still early.

i was livin' the dream, but this would all come to an end soon through the actions of another co-worker. whether they were jealous to see me happy or what i'll never know, i just know that her intentions were to bring me down, without a doubt.

i knew this co-worker had a problem with me, she wasn't thrilled to be working the same night i was working as displayed by the huge grunt/sigh she let out as i said hi to her as she walked in. from there i decided it best to just go on my own way and to some degree ignore her..basically keep things and us separate...but again, those were my wishes, evidently she had others..

my station/section was located in the front, so i spent a majority of my time up there. and in the beginning of the night any time i would make my way to the back, for whatever reason, i would naturally cross paths with her - as i would cross paths with many other employees..but this one co-worker in particular found reason to make a scene or say something every time i walked by. and any time i start to talk to someone, whether it be my SA, manager, or whomever, she had to chime in with incoherent dribble directed at me.

this was so much of a spectacle that other employees were asking me what the other co-workers deal was, why was she being, and i quote, "such a bitch" to me. i played it off best i could, i put my blinders up and tuned her out, until we finally had a confrontation.

the co-worker was still hung up on a situation that occurred almost a fortnight ago with one of her tables. this was evidenced by her remark to me asking if i was gonna call her a liar to her tables tonight or if i was gonna talk shit to her tables again tonight. Long story short there was a mis-communication, something playfully said, something taking in the wrong context, and something heard as they wanted to hear it.

All in all i've been wanting to resolve the problem from the start, but any time the conversation is brought up i'm not allowed to say my side of the story and cannot get a word in edgewise - that other co-worker is always the one to get angry and walk away..just as she did tonight, saying she was over it, that it wasn't an issue any more...but, if that were the case, then why did she bring it up i replied back, only to have her walk away in anger yet again.

Let's not forget to mention she kept throwing away my drinking cup in the back..or let's forget

then my buttons were pushed for the last time. as i mentioned i was in the front, i had a ten top, that was my evening...at one point i ran to the back to get the third diet for this gentleman at my table and noticed half of my apps were up in the window, knowing they were just about to come up and my table wanted me to take the orders when i returned i called out to the kitchen, to a group of the "tan coats" asking to run my apps if they could, would you believe that the aforementioned co-worker was amoung this group.

so i took the orders on my ten top, it took some time because there was a meeting and everyone i went to would start talking...as i made my way around the first five orders, my mind is elsewhere, i keep glancing at the private room's door..expecting to see my apps walk in any moment...i keep waiting..i keep taking orders..and still i wait.

once i finished with all the orders with still no apps on the table i quickly made my way to the back..there i find a manager and said co-worker waiting for my apps to come back out. yes i said back out, for as you see they sat in the window too long and lost their temperature..this irked me to some degree, but whatever...it wasn't until that co-worker made a malicious comment about me not being able to handle a ten top and killing my apps...

i stopped in my tracks, mid-sentence, turned around and started to leave the kitchen...i always try to just remove myself from the situation for i know how bad my temper is and i know that's what they say a bigger person should do...but just as i was about to leave the kitchen my boiling point hit and i turned back around.

i cursed some expletives, cursed the people who did not run my food, and cursed the people i pay for not running my food...i think the choice word was "fuck" this time...i left the kitchen and headed back to my table where i was to do random filling of beverages and so forth...i left the private room to see the co-worker leading out my apps with the manager en route. the manager tried to say something as we passed by, but i was on a mission, tunnel vision maybe.

i took my angry little self back through the kitchen, through IRD, and out onto the back dock to walk around and get some air...i don't know why we in the industry do this, but we do. those back alley's aren't for deliveries and smoking only..no, the garbage cans and receptacles have seen their fair share of kicks and obscenities shouted their way...

i wasn't to that point, i just wanted to remove myself from the restaurant to recompose myself for the rest of the night. i always think back to those moments i've had a CPJR that were similar to this, but standout more i think because they happened more often..though it seems this place is catching up.

it's one thing to fuck with me an entire shift, to say shit, to mess with my drink by putting lemons in it..but you cross the line when you fuck with my guests - to deliberately not run my food and cause others to disregard it in some sort of power struggle or revenge is flat out psychotic.

when people do shit like that it reminds me of my first serving job at Blue Bird..there was an expediter who had a crush on me. we had hung out but once i knew she had "just a friend" who was an ex trying to get back with her i ended things..not to mention on those few occasions we did hang out i thought she wasn't on the level..only to prove myself right in the upcoming story..

as i said she was the expo at my work..controlling my food in the window..when my first couple of tickets suddenly "got lost" i thought nothing of it, it was busy, there were actually two expos that day as i remember..but as i pieced it together it was only food coming from her side that "wouldn't show" and when i asked her to "re-make" the items i needed she at first played the "sympathetic" card and told me she was remaking them...but after i continued to wait and the items were never made and i went to her a second time i got the "sorry 'bout ya" look and shrug...needless to say she didn't work there much longer...

it's sad how people will let their personal life interfere with their work life, and vice versa..though i think i can understand a bit of that...but then again..there's some people who i just hate working with because they suck at their job, but meet them after y'all clock out and it's a different story.

the show continued for the rest of the evening's shift. the co-worker continued to talk shit to me whenever i did something "gee, surprised you actually helped out" and other things. she refused to help me run out any other food for my table throughout the evening as well, as i "never thanked her for running my apps out" as she put it.

all i can say is this whole situation amazes me...the childish way she acts towards me, the malicious way she attacks me..you'd think it was HER who had something over ME...but this is not the case, in fact it is just the opposite...she should be the one walking on eggshells...and now i remember, the one request i asked of her since the beginning...i said do not cross me, do not upset me, do not cause ill will in my life and i will keep my silence.

and i have given the co-worker a chance to apologize, to settle things, to make things right in the universe once again..but i have a feeling i'll be asking Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall..










"for once i've met someone who is more childish than i am..."

I Hate This Place

Mark it on the calendars..
first time in 09

wait...we aren't even out of the first month yet...ughh, this is gonna be a long year

Remember when i was on the cruise ship...and i hated life....i hated life so much that i coined the phrase, "This place makes me wanna go back to school" - that kinda carried over to CP the following season, although CP wasn't nearly as bad..i don't think...well, i came up with a new one today..good 'ol CGIndy to take the cake..."This place makes me wish i wasn't born" Yes, i found an establishment that i hate more than the cruise ship..

see, every restaurant job i have ever worked at has sucked balls..you know what...come to think of it....RR was the only restaurant job that i didn't hate...maybe at first, but it was my first restaurant job...it was like highschool all over again and i hated that..god, if i could only find the blogs i wrote about that place, what foreshadowing i would see for sure...sooo RR didn't suck or make me hate life, every job since then has at some point....some worse than others...

wait...if i look on a time line of my restaurants jobs charted as X and my hate for the place labeled as Y...it'd probably look something like this....

cooool....my hatred for a place is proportionally related to the older i get? hmmmm, that one needs some tweaking...

anyways....my reason for the hatred at CG is simple...the GM is a douchetool...now i know what you are saying...ohhh, everyone has one boss that sucks or blah blah blah....i really don't know what you'd be saying, i never listen to you anyways...well as my story goes...those who know me, and know me in the work environment...i'm what most would call a workhorse..i bust my balls day in and day out, giving it all i can..mediocrity and i don't get along...

now another trait that i have which actually works to my benefit is boredom..some call it curiosity...i call it boredom, but whatever....i like to work different positions at my workplace..i can't think of a job where i wasn't able to do several positions (no comments from the peanut gallery please....) i always start out trying to figure it out on my own, then eventually management would give in and maybe i would get the official training in said position, sometimes not...

i'd like to call myself an MVP as being the most versatile person in that establishment....and with that training comes responsibility...and also getting called on my days off to pick up whatever shifts need covered...to which i will 90% of the time oblige to...

but not now...i feel so under appreciated..i feel as if when i get called in, it's not because they thought of me because i'm a great employee..they are just covering their asses and need any willing body...i don't get any respect out of going the extra mile, no gratitude, thanks, or love thrown my way - this of course said about only one man in general..the general manager, or managing partner..same difference Mr B Hewey...every other manager in the place (like scott or soapy) sees what i do, or rather what i did and what potential i had and really like me ((i think))- maybe i'm just tooting my own horn and this isn't at all true

i can't think of how i wronged this one man in particular - i know i say it all the time, that i don't know what i did wrong (its all a conspiracy) - but this time, like all the times, it's absolutely true...and maybe i don't always get along with the GM in my work places, but they always know how valuable of an assets i really am...i know i'm not perfect, i make mistakes, i loved being called out, i'm always trying to better myself...but..but if i don't know when, where, or how i messed up...how can i fix that (JADE!)

so at this point i say that he his holding a grudge for no reason...i spent the better part of my employment in indy where it was just a job, i'd walk in the door, put my 6 hours in, and leave...i had little to no interaction with those i worked with, stayed out of the drama, did as i was asked, and did my thing...what more could you want...i even thought for a second i may have a little bit of an advantage with the GM - what with both of us being republican and all..sharing a common ground..but nope..i got nothing...

that's all i got for now, there will be a part II...i'm heading to bed because it's 5am and i work at 8am...cooooooool

"i got your mission statement right here..."

Too Cold

temps go down
anger goes up

and i do not have time for this....

ughhh, i hate the cold - i've said it before, i'll say it some more...the older i get the less tolerable the cold is - and a lot of people will scoff because i'm only in my twenties...well, you know the plethora of saying's, "Life is too short to deal with winter or drink cheap beer"

i hate the winter for a number of reasons, mainly, the cold...the cold affects every facet of my life and anything that makes me change my life i am not a fan of. Now i am a fan of layers and long sleeves, pants, etc - hell, when i was in hawai'i the only thing that made me not seem like a tourist was the fact i wore a jacket and pants when i went out in the 70 degree weather..just like the natives.. But what i hate is wearing too many layers, obtrusive layers, gloves that make everyday functions more difficult...bundling up..fuck all that..

and what i don't like is how simple functions or activities cannot be done...a simple task of taking the trash to the dumpster or getting the mail now takes too much effort, what with the getting 6 layers of clothes on when all you wanna do is lay around on the couch all day in your boxers...the thought of doing all that makes me not even do it...i wanted to put the xmas decorations back into storage that's connected to our patio, but it's taken me til now to do it because i never wanted to get bundled up for such a small project...

i'm sure the studies will show places where the temps drop to below freezing vs places that do not, you will see a significant difference in the rates of depression, and even suicide. now i've always said i would never want to move to california or florida or anywhere warm like that, that doesn't have the seasonal change i am used to - all in all because it would mess with my head to be celebrating xmas and have there be no snow on the ground...but you know what...fuck all that...

this is just a rant about how i hate the cold..i know most of you will just use the line, if you don't like it, then change it...well...it's in the works, so fuck all you

"If i can't put my top down on my convertible all year, i'm not living here"

Washed My Hands

I'm not a pilot...
but i play one on TV

i've had enough of the retardedness from the ex this past week, i tell myself i've done everything i possible could have done, more than most people would have done, now it's time for me to clean my hands of this...i'm just gonna push it off onto someone that she still wants in her life..

i'm on my break from work and i'm back at my house. i review the names in my phone remembering that i deleted a lot of contacts about a month ago, around 100 of them...i kept the ex's but removed all of the ex's family member's numbers. the only person i would talk to was her father, he was the only one who liked me - the mother on the other hand, i should have laid her ass out with the back of my hand when she hit me, but i am a better person than that.

the only person i had left in a round about way was her uncle, the only reason why i had the ability to contact that person was because i still had CP's number..i hate to bother someone at work, but when that's all you got, that's all you got..and those who know the back story know how messed up me calling the uncle really is...but when something like this is going on, previous walls seem to seem insignificant in comparison.

i call and leave a message..i really don't think he'll just call me back unless i say it's in relation to the waste...i'm back at work, i sit at pre-shift, the entire thing before the managers tell me they have already cut me for the evening..cooool..a phone call before i headed out to my house and paid for parking would have been great, but, that's thinking ahead and not how they roll...i make one of the managers buy me a dinner for wasting my time, i mean honestly it's the least they could do...as i am waiting for my food to come up, my phone rings...it's CP

i answer as i rush through the kitchen, round IRD, out the backdoors, and into the loading dock area..it's the uncle, wanting to know what's up....i rant and ramble off everything...i talk and talk, keep telling more and more of the story..i pause, breath..i feel as if there should be some sort of interjection on his part, but ot avoid the awkward silence i keep rambling...he eventually tries to pull what i am saying together and asks questions...it's a fifteen minute phone call that ends on a relatively good note...he appreciates me coming to him and letting him know what was going on, he tell me he'll take it from there, though he's not sure where 'there' is...my point exactly...i have done everything i could, and the ex's alleged suicide happened weeks ago...she needs help that i can't offer and no longer want it to weigh on my shoulders

it's the first time in a year i have talked to him, and it'll probably be the last time, funny how life works out...as i am waiting for my food, i realize my phone going off, missed call..it's the ex and she left a voicemail...she's asking me to quit calling her family and leave her alone...i'm blowing everything out of proportion and in reality she just wants it all to end, she wants her stuff back and be done with me...wow...moments later i get a text basically summing all that up in a sentence....i knew that was going to happen, i knew if i said something it would blow up in my face, but what other option did i have...lame...i have tomorrow off, my conscience is clear...time for me to live my life and forget about the past...over to the crib on the southside...the plan for later this evening...the midnight release of Saw V...coool, another opportunity for me to be the fifth wheel..

i think Phil has caught on to my sarcastic apathy to the situation..he tries to make me feel needed, calling me his date and such..it's cute, but i know better....i try getting people to go..two of my girls have to be at work at 6, another at 9..why are people so lame...well, at least i got to go to a movie....

"5 is a 6!"

No Looking Back

Day by Day...
baby steps..

my phone is ringing. it's 9am, anybody who knows me knows not to call me before the time has reached double digits. through the tangled mess of covers and pillows i find which way is up and follow the sound of the Michigan fight song to locate my phone. it's "wrong number", not to be confused with "dont answer" or "who is this", all labels i have programmed into my phone for certain people. "Wrong Number" is not who you think it is, it's just what is says it is, a wrong number...see there's this elderly lady from the region who has a son, who's number is identical to mine..i've just been so fortunate to been having her call me for over a year now. in the past whenever i would miss the call i would return it later, it's a region number so it always weirded me out..well after awhile i realized i kept keeping the same person on the other side, and seeings how the calls only happened once a month, i could never remember the number..so i took it upon myself to program it in my phone, so i could just ignore it in the future..

i fall back asleep only to wake three hours later...i don't get up and out of bed for another hour at least. no, i just lay there, all wrapped up in my blankets warmed from my body heat heat and refusal to move around. it may be in the fifties outside, but my A/C still cranks out cold air into my room. i only let the breeze pass over my face and occasionally my foot, it's a nice balance making me appreciate my bed, prolonging my departure from it. the light from the laptop casts a blue glow into the room, i start Pandora, and relax...this is my mediation.

i have nothing planned for the day, oh wait, shit, i forgot..i know i work at four, but i signed up for a tour that's going on of the new stadium...now if i can only remember what time it starts..i text a few people..wait patiently..and there it is..230, meeting at work...coool, time to start moving around i guess.

i get ready, completing all the necessary S's, and head out, D300 in tow. once again i park in that lot i parked yesterday..always with the changing, well, not really, but whatever..i get to work and immediately get crap for the camera, one of my managers tries to tell me that i can't bring it in..i said if they don't let me in, it's one more reason to hate that team...the next thing they try to pull on me, they want me to wear one of the team's shirts..uh uh, no way..i am wearing my michigan jacket, plain and simple...through a lot of bickering and harassment, and some others not wearing the shirts either, i win

as we walk on over to the stadium it takes me back to grade school - i feel as if i am on some sort of field trip, the principal, teacher, and motherly chaperon are all here...matching shirts to show we are some sort of gang, walking through the city, holding hands as we cross the streets..ok, maybe not that much, but still.

the tour was nice, we got to run on the field, go into the locker rooms, i got plenty of pictures, only one of 140 i really liked, and i will play with later, but after the feild trip is was time to work...it's 530 so i haven't missed anything of this i am sure.

i walk into work and one of my managers, scott, asks me if i want to take a cut...i really don't want to take the cut, but i did just get there, i could do some random things, upload pictures, i hesitate, and try to think things over....i walk by the floor map and do a double take, what's this...i'm in section one...for the second time this week? and it's actually supposed to me? this will mark the first time i've ever legitimately been in section one for a night shift - apparently Scott feels there's not enough rotation going around and is tired of seeing me on the patio or in the back dining room...he's not the only one..so i go back up to scott and question why on earth would you ask the person in section one to go home, to quote Ryan Hill, what's up with that?

so i stay, and i work, and the night pretty much sucks...they fill the back dining room first, so i go on the back dock and eat Jimmy Johns for a good half hour or so...i get two deuces to get my night rolling...then i split a 9 top with the person next to me..and it's a shitty 9 top, salad entrees are you kidding me? so it's somewhere around 830 and i go into one of the private dining rooms right next to my section and chill. the party that had rented the room has already left, and the servers have already flipped it over, so it's a virtual ghost town in here. i sit and i chill..

i cozy on back into the dimly lit server station and hop onto the marble countertop - it's cold as marble keeps a seven degree difference in temperature than it's surroundings, if feels good to sit. a server wanting to check out comes in the room, most people would peek in, not even notice me in the back shadows and leave, but this guy, he comes right to me...apparently this is my normal hiding spot as he says, "i knew i'd find you here" nobody else hides there, so it must be just me, odd. I go to sign him out and we start up a conversation, this happened the other day as well when we were leaving..we talk about heavy shit in a very short time frame - he parallels hisself to me, i see some of the similarities.

whenever i tell people my girlfriend broke up with me because i am an asshole, i'd say 95% of the people don't believe it. they can't see me getting mad, being a jerk, coming off as an asshole, yet in reality..that's exactly what did it..granted i've never meant any harm, no foul play, it's just a very dry and sarcastic style i have - if you don't know that, then, well, i'm an asshole....but you figure the person i have spent the majority of my time with for over a year would know that, hell, people in the first five minutes can make that assumption..ah well, what can you do

as we are talking the host comes in, i've been sat a four top - how did she find me too? the server and i depart ways both acknowledging we need to catch a beer together some time..i go to my four top, they're a fun bunch..

"i don't have a rear view mirror in my car for a reason - it's not only how i drive, it's how i live"

Now This Is a Post!

Totally Disregard for other people's thoughts and feelings...
i do it all the time with these posts...

it's amazing what little oval pills can do for you..i just hope this isn't a gateway drug, last thing i need is to go to jail on possession charges, whoops...but maybe i'm wrong, maybe i do need to explore this as an outlet for my emotions, anything to calm my nerves, make me eat, and clear my head....looks like pot it is....

i woke up this morning realizing i fell asleep with the lights on, i heard it's less dangerous that way..my sleeping aid induced coma got to me quicker than i realized last night..and it had me rise earlier than my alarm...every now and then i like to wake up well before my alarm goes off, only so i can bask in the comfort of the warm bed, cold air, and cuddle up back to sleep...it allows for me to get out of bed as soon as my alarm does go off later...so in a way it's like a snooze, but instead of ten minutes, you get another hour or so

it's a new month, the cold air has arrived, and i'm feeling a lot better than yesterday...i think it has something to do with the sleep..i still have yet to eat or replace these thoughts in my head. i start my drive on the way to work...something's different, i attribute it to the ambien from last night..it always leaves me feeling refreshed, til i get out of bed, then i feel woozy a bit, but with a weird sense of energy..

as i am driving by what i like to call the outskirts of downtown i have a thought, i reach a red light, and pause. i take a look around, no cars, so i make an illegal U-turn heading back...my feelings guided me on over to a parking lot that Amy usually parks at, i've never parked there before, and it's not like me to break from my norm, but today is different so i proceed to park there.

i get out of my car and start my walk..i swear this is half way between my house and work. it's a chilly morning so i zip up my Michigan jacket that i wear proudly...i chuckle at the hilarity in that comment; not only did i fail and leave Michigan never to return again, their football program has been nothing more than the butt of jokes in the past years...way to blow...

the walk seems long..in reality it's not that long, it's just not my normal routine, everything seems out of whack, but it allows me more time for me to take in the day, feel the cold air on my face and in my lungs, smell all the scents of downtown, quickly people watch, it's beneficial i think.

at work i find out i have a call party, a two top, they requested me and the guy's wife is apparently friends with my female manager...both the manager and i have no clue who this guy is by the name on the reservation...he arrives and i remember the face, it's kinda hard not to forget a forty year old man with braces...but i've only waited on him the one time, and i cant really remember why he remembers me, until he orders...this is the guy who let me make his meal, that's right...he gives me an idea on what he wants, and i go to the computer and input my variation on things...now i could be an ass and make him get the most expensive steak, add a rub, sides, etc, but i'm not like that..he's done no wrong to me, and it's kinda nifty to create something for a stranger.

all the courses come out and he enjoys it all, it's nice that he ordered off the dinner menu too, nothing beats having a $150 check for a two top at lunch, with no alcohol...the rest of the shift goes by well for me...i had a table request breakfast, my call two top wanted dinner, and my other two tables had lunch...not only that, but i was the first to sell the new scallop BLT right after we were told we could sell it...the icing on the cake, wow bad pun, came when i coaxed my last table to order the chocolate hazelnut cake with a scoop of our homemade hazelnut Kahlua ice cream...i was rocking and rolling today. having breakfast, lunch, and dinner entrees all in one shift i called a triple-double...the scallop special and dessert add-on were what made me a MVP in my mind..

as i checked out i told my manager should there be a cut for tonight i would like to take it, gonna roll out on a positive note, making reference to myself as Michael Jordan, when he retired the second time. that and knowing how much dinner sucked last night i was more than happy to offer up a shift, well turns out they were making five cuts, wow...

as i change jackets and think how i feel like Mr Rogers in a way...you know, he would walk in, hang up one jacket and put on the vest jacket thing, and reverse process when he left...i'm taking off my potatoe sack jacket to hang up and putting on my Michigan jacket...whatever...

i stroll on outside back to the lot where i parked my car...i walk past my favorite homeless guy in his normal spot, say hello, i was going to give him some money, but i didn't have any readily on hand - he looks happy..i always wonder about him..he sticks out in my mind so whenever i am traveling through downtown i can spot him easily..i see him at the bus station, walking around, i wonder if he really does have a home...i've been tempted to follow him because he's only in his spot certain hours of the day...i call him the 9 to 5 hobo

i decide to stop at subway, it's located right next to the lot where i parked my car..i haven't eaten anything in what seems like forever and i have a craving for a cold meat sandwich...i go with my normal, chicken terriayki. i just wish that they could inject the food into my stomach for me..i don't feel like eating, and the mere thought makes me sick a little...but my stomach growls for food and i know i need it...such a weird dilemma...

i make it back to my place and unwind..i decide to watch UHF by Weird Al...it's a good two hours at least before i finally take a stab at eating that sandwich..i only get through the first half of the footlong and place the rest in the fridge...the latter part of the night i kill time chatting online

i'm trying to figure out what to do about this weekend...as far as i know, i still have Friday/Saturday off - hoping that the kid who picked up my Saturday shift still works for us. a week ago it was to go to The Hole...now, well, that's not happening...i know TJ wants me to come out, and i want to go out and see him...but i have this new vision in my head of what i should do. what should i do...

i continue to beat myself up over everything that has happened..sure i may have said i feel better, but i didn't say i feel back to normal, didn't feel 100%..maybe my nerves officially gave up, quit, went on strike, whatever the case, i'm not as big of a mess as i was the other day, yet i am still thinking about it. situations play out in my head, what if this - what if that..i try to make a time line for how everything went down, my thoughts are cruel - if my imagination could kill, it would have done that, slowly and painfully a thousand times by now (and you thought i was gonna say Uzi...)

you are your own worst critic...i don't know if it's good or not, but it seems like whenever something like this happens i'll just beat the shit out of myself emotionally to the point i wake up and i'm over it...you know, thinking about it, sounds kinda fucked up...i even asked TJ to beat the shit out of me physically so i could wake up from this down-and-out state i'm in....he said he's got one good punch left in him...maybe this explains why my girl friend Joy gets tattoos, it's a different form of pain, self inflicted, to overcome another pain...body art is just their outlet, mine i keep bottled up inside, like so many other things..

i start cleaning my room, its one of those nervous habits i do at times probably to show i have control of something. i find old notes and journals, i read them. all of a sudden there's a charge in the air, a wave of positive emotion overcomes me. i read things that i wrote, i giggle at my intelligent humor, but i read what others have wrote me as well. this is what i need. i see a trend, if you're an ex-gf then you hate me, but if you were anyone else in my life, i somehow touched you, made an impact, a difference, and you thank me for it...

maybe i am a good guy..all the notes connote the same thing - i'm an amazing person, but there's always one flaw with it too...they tell me to keep my head up, look on the bright side of things, but don't change for anyone...a little contradictory, but i go with it..if you change, it's got to be for yourself, change comes from within, and usually takes 21 times, or so i've heard. i do want to be a better person, i want to be aware of how i affect people, both positively and negatively...i am oblivious most of the time to either now. i just live my life, and i feel if i compromise one part, it will ruin everything else though...i know i can be an asshole, but i don't mean it, i may be the only person to yell and curse someone out, saying the most hurtful things and keep a smile the entire time...i really don't mean it, but i say it..i guess that's where i'm wrong...

the positive train keeps coming in though..i text Joy and ask her about myself, try to up lift me..she does just that, telling me how i've always been there for her and so forth, but then she breaks it down, like fo reals..joy breaks her silence and literally goes off about my ex, saying everything she's felt about how i've been treated by the ex and her actions in general..now i know i am prone to twisting words and plot lines around, but i feel as if this is one time i've been able to offer a transcript of, so maybe Joy's right..i tell her to keep going, don't hold back, i need to hear it all..she gets everything off her chest, and we both feel better...

in the process of cleaning i also find my Blue Day Book, referenced many a-times here in my blog i am sure - though it may not have notes in it like somebody else's, it means a lot to me, second edition i've had in my possession since 2002. whenever i need a little cheering up, i turn to that book, there are three pictures in the book that i need to take a time out for because they crack my shit up so much ..i like to read it to other people though, i like being able to connect with them by narrating the book to them..usually after i read the book to them they go out and buy it the next day, its that powerful.

but this time, i have nobody to read it to, this place sucks. i get a text, it's Helen, so i decide to call her, she's been checking up on me daily to make sure i am doing alright...she may be in a land of mormons, but she provides the cheer in my life i need right now...oddly enough, i find that all i have now-a-days are phone a friends..why on earth did i move away from everyone.

instantly she tells me i sound better, i say somewhat, it's not fully..i need to keep this going though...i explain my situation and she asks me to read her the book, i know it won't be the same, she cant see the pictures, so i do my best to describe them to her...the reading is really for me, we both know that, but she's a doll and bears with me...

by the end of the book i've wiped away tears of laughter, her battery is running dead so we end it there...i feel as if i have some how miraculously made it to stage five on the steps of grief...everyone's hard work has finally paid off, i've gone through denial..i went through a bit of anger..i even begged...and of course i went through depression...but you know what...stage 5 - Acceptance - Fuck Her.

i know that may sound anger but you know what...i did everything i could to get it right, or fix it fast (ughh, i sound like work). everything she tried to combat me against i took head-on...it was her who ended up fucking everything up. i didn't make her get drunk, i didn't spread her legs, i just tried to show how good a person i really am...i never gave up, til i woke up. it's over..i don't need a lying cheat anyways...she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, she even knew better saying she wanted to find different friends, better friends...but she didn't, they turned her gullible ass into one of them - she can't blame anyone but herself for what she did..sure i may have initially caused the breakup, but again i say, i took positive action, she negatively reacted...at least i'll be sleeping on an easy conscious without guilt tonight...she cant say the same...

friends, no..i don't need someone like her in my life, it will just be a reminder of bad times..it's sad to lose someone so close, but i've got other people i've neglected to make things up to now...to her, i bid farewell, toodles~~~

"we're not destined to be together..we're both aries.."