just not to myself...
i wrote this letter almost two years ago to this date...i find it odd i can help people see in their box, but when it comes to my own world, ef all that...but i suppose it's something cosmical that allowed for me to dig this up and read it...maybe it's what i needed, just like a letter from 1885...
"Warning the following is a one-time rant, meaning the user wrote with the flow of his or her fingers not stopping or taking the time to re-read or re-think anything in this letter. Read as swiftly as the author would have spoke, but still gathering the ideas that were attempted to be conveyed, thank you and enjoy.
Dearest dsjfsdnf,
I am uncertain of how to go about this, but I’ll figure out something, so I’ll go with my two favorite words, let’s do this…(god that’s an inside joke that never gets old…)
So let me just say wow, wow to the direction our friendship has gone in the past week or so. Wow to the fact that it went from “I miss you” and text messages every three minutes to not talking to me for over three days at a time. Now I understand how one could be busy, I mean afterall you are in school and have things going on in your life (you’re not the one milking it in Sandusky..), but still, to drop off the way you have in the past conversations, and then to not respond to any of my texts or calls over a period of time, ones where I was merely checking in on you to see how things were – I’ve got to wonder whether or not there was something I did wrong. Looking back I really don’t see what I could’ve done wrong to deserve the actions I have been receiving, so if you have anything to enlighten me, please go for it. And I’ll just add for the record I was last to try and make contact. How did it go from you collecting pepper shakers to complete me to nothing in a blink of an eye?
This entire rant is coming at you with no hope or agenda for anything at all; it’s merely a rant, one that you take some credence in - just advice and not telling you how to live your life. The problem you seem to have with your boyfriend is common amoung relationships. You tell me that your boyfriend can be nice, and that he can be mean, and it’s somehow always your fault. What you have is a false sense of comfort and security. If it’s one thing I hate, it’s when people are afraid to do anything about their situation because they feel comfortable in it; and this coming from the guy who’s a Republican and hates all forms of change. You have good times, you have bad times, that’s not the problem I have, rather it’s the ratio of good vs bad. No relationship is perfect, of course you are going to have the bad times with the good times – it’s the bad which allows us to appreciate the good, because without the bitter baby, the sweet just ain’t as sweet. But it’s those good times, those nice times that should really be outstanding, hands down the first thing you think of when you think about your boyfriend, not this mixed emotion “he can be so mean and other times so extremely nice”. It’s the good times that should absolutely outweigh the bad times, not a close call, not a 50-50, 60-40, or even 70-30 ratio…but rather something more distinguishable…the bad won’t ever disappear but we can’t have it as the first or second thoughts when we think about a relationship.
And back to the comfort issue…you’ve been in this relationship for a year now, and you were in another two year relationship before this one so it seems as is you are just accustomed to having someone always there with you, not necessarily a bad thing, unless you are staying with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. If there is anything you should have learned from our little weekend together it’s that there is a world of opportunity out there. You shouldn’t be afraid to change the scenery, to drop the dead weight for fear you won’t find someone else. You are very attractive, you are a smart girl, you are funny, and overall amazing to be around – and I feel so lucky just having the opportunity to have spent the time we had together.
If I were to offer advice on the situation I would say you both should take a break from each other (I’ll just point this out, I am in now way, shape, or form ever endorse “taking a break” normally…I do not believe in such things, just as I do not support pills for people with depression and other mental illnesses – I believe people break up for a reason and recycling is not good, though everyone does deserve a second chance for the first time could have been an anomaly…boy that’s a fine line to try and stand on and another rant on it’s own..anyways…) I think I suggest the break mostly because I really don’t know the entire situation or the other party on hand, but it could be something good. Take a break away from each other, have the time to think about the relationship – where it’s going, issues that need to be addressed and so forth. If anything you two will get back together after missing it each other because they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, things will be changed for the better for, oh, about two weeks, and will probably fall back into that slump where it is now, and we’ll be right back at square one..that’s what I predict only because people really don’t know how to correctly handle breaks like this (and there’s my feelings on “breaks”), but who knows, it may actually strengthen your relationship. (Odd story, my friend TJ actually had a future date set up to talk about taking a break with his girlfriend earlier this year – when the date came they agreed they would either take a break for several months and get back together after talking everything out, or it would just end of everything…)
But back to you…from the way you were talking and acting last week it seemed as if you were not happy with your relationship with your boyfriend – when you broke up you weren’t affected by it all, not happy nor sad, you were just like, “oh well.” I mean maybe you were suppressing your feelings or whatever, probably a little bit of mixed emotions and uncertainty filled you up. It upsets me when I hear you say things about how much your life sucks, or how you hate yourself, and this and that…you know very well you are better than that and anyone that tells you differently or makes you feel differently than that should take a hike. Honestly, you are turning 21 in a few days, you are so young and have so many possibilities open for you…sure school sucks, but you have to trudge through it. It may not make you happy right now, but it’s something you got to do, the ends will justify the means, trust me. Life is going to throw little obstacles in your way to make you open your eyes and look at things from a different perspective, it’s not to harm you or be anything you can’t handle, but you’ll learn and grow from it. Later in life you’ll look back to these times and be like, “really, I was upset over that, look how much I overcame since then..” god I sound like some fucking motivational speaker and that needs to stop cold.
But really, you are an incredible person from what I’ve gotten to know in the short amount of time that I have had. You have your whole life ahead of you, go out there and fucking live it, because if you hesitate now, you’ll regret it later…you’re too young to settle down, and do not need the stress of a relationship of bogging you down – you’ve got enough to deal with what with school and all, and you really deserve someone who will be supportive at all times and not make you feel like crap…and I think you realize that.
Now to me…I really don’t know what to say that I haven’t already told you…yes I like you, that’s obvious and has been since you trained me. That one Sunday night when you wanted me to tell you how I felt, like I said in one of the voicemails I left you…I just felt it wasn’t appropriate to address matters like that via a text. I was more than willing to call you and tell you how much fun I was having with you over the phone, voice to voice rather than try to text it all out while cleaning the restaurant. I did not, and still do not know what you meant when you said “don’t worry I understand, I get it” after I told you I’d call you as soon as I got out…I wasn’t putting you on the backburner or letting you down, I just, I don’t get it…It doesn’t make much of a difference now, and like I said this comes with no hope or agenda, but I’ll just say it to get it out of the way.
Yes, I like you, i really did like you. I would have loved to hang out with you more during the summer at Cedar Point to have gotten to know you better, but that didn’t happen (you were friends with jsdfds who I wasn’t much of a fan of at the time…) I was willing to give this all a shot…I wanted to come visit you in, well wherever you were. I wanted to throw aside any rationalized thinking, what about distance or anything, and give it all a chance, I wanted to take a chance on you, you are a gamble that I’d go all in on. I didn’t/don’t care about the consequences, what if it didn’t work out, what if it did then what, we would have burned those bridges as we came to them – all that really mattered was that we were presented with an opportunity and we took the risk: to say we did rather than did not, to know rather than sitting around wondering what if…I know some may say that’s living haphazardly, but that’s just living without fear, and a lot of times in life you should ask yourself, “what would I do if I were not afraid?” Everything seemed to be clicking in our situation and so I wanted to press it further…that’s how I feel, and that’s not how it turned out.
You asked me why I didn’t do anything with you, why we didn’t have sex – well, I suppose that’s one area I didn’t want to rush into. I cared about you a lot, and I felt we didn’t need the focus to be on that…don’t get me wrong I would have loved to have done anything with you, like I kept saying that one night, I really enjoyed how intimate we were just laying there…the time would have eventually came and we would have had sex but I wanted to show you I was more than that (like the conversation in the car…I may talk a lot about sex but honestly it’s not a focal point of mine), and to show you that we were more than just a physical lust…I’ve never been one to be in a “honeymooner phase” but rather just the real living phase. It was never anything against you, don’t think there was anything wrong with you, believe me, I’d take you in a heartbeat.
I know this has to be long, I’ve been at the computer for quite some time and have gone through a lot of cups of coffee…I will be working all weekend for it is Hallow-fricking-weekends, and I’ll just be wanting it all to end..but the point I am getting at is I will not be back online until the earliest Monday, so if you were to write a response, whatever it may be, I would not be able to look at it for a couple days…but you have my number if you want to talk, about anything. Like I said, no agenda, I’m not trying to complicate matters or steal you away from your boyfriend, I just want you to better yourself. I still do value our friendship, and I hope to hear from you soon…"
Truly yours,
Jangus
Dearest dsjfsdnf,
I am uncertain of how to go about this, but I’ll figure out something, so I’ll go with my two favorite words, let’s do this…(god that’s an inside joke that never gets old…)
So let me just say wow, wow to the direction our friendship has gone in the past week or so. Wow to the fact that it went from “I miss you” and text messages every three minutes to not talking to me for over three days at a time. Now I understand how one could be busy, I mean afterall you are in school and have things going on in your life (you’re not the one milking it in Sandusky..), but still, to drop off the way you have in the past conversations, and then to not respond to any of my texts or calls over a period of time, ones where I was merely checking in on you to see how things were – I’ve got to wonder whether or not there was something I did wrong. Looking back I really don’t see what I could’ve done wrong to deserve the actions I have been receiving, so if you have anything to enlighten me, please go for it. And I’ll just add for the record I was last to try and make contact. How did it go from you collecting pepper shakers to complete me to nothing in a blink of an eye?
This entire rant is coming at you with no hope or agenda for anything at all; it’s merely a rant, one that you take some credence in - just advice and not telling you how to live your life. The problem you seem to have with your boyfriend is common amoung relationships. You tell me that your boyfriend can be nice, and that he can be mean, and it’s somehow always your fault. What you have is a false sense of comfort and security. If it’s one thing I hate, it’s when people are afraid to do anything about their situation because they feel comfortable in it; and this coming from the guy who’s a Republican and hates all forms of change. You have good times, you have bad times, that’s not the problem I have, rather it’s the ratio of good vs bad. No relationship is perfect, of course you are going to have the bad times with the good times – it’s the bad which allows us to appreciate the good, because without the bitter baby, the sweet just ain’t as sweet. But it’s those good times, those nice times that should really be outstanding, hands down the first thing you think of when you think about your boyfriend, not this mixed emotion “he can be so mean and other times so extremely nice”. It’s the good times that should absolutely outweigh the bad times, not a close call, not a 50-50, 60-40, or even 70-30 ratio…but rather something more distinguishable…the bad won’t ever disappear but we can’t have it as the first or second thoughts when we think about a relationship.
And back to the comfort issue…you’ve been in this relationship for a year now, and you were in another two year relationship before this one so it seems as is you are just accustomed to having someone always there with you, not necessarily a bad thing, unless you are staying with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. If there is anything you should have learned from our little weekend together it’s that there is a world of opportunity out there. You shouldn’t be afraid to change the scenery, to drop the dead weight for fear you won’t find someone else. You are very attractive, you are a smart girl, you are funny, and overall amazing to be around – and I feel so lucky just having the opportunity to have spent the time we had together.
If I were to offer advice on the situation I would say you both should take a break from each other (I’ll just point this out, I am in now way, shape, or form ever endorse “taking a break” normally…I do not believe in such things, just as I do not support pills for people with depression and other mental illnesses – I believe people break up for a reason and recycling is not good, though everyone does deserve a second chance for the first time could have been an anomaly…boy that’s a fine line to try and stand on and another rant on it’s own..anyways…) I think I suggest the break mostly because I really don’t know the entire situation or the other party on hand, but it could be something good. Take a break away from each other, have the time to think about the relationship – where it’s going, issues that need to be addressed and so forth. If anything you two will get back together after missing it each other because they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, things will be changed for the better for, oh, about two weeks, and will probably fall back into that slump where it is now, and we’ll be right back at square one..that’s what I predict only because people really don’t know how to correctly handle breaks like this (and there’s my feelings on “breaks”), but who knows, it may actually strengthen your relationship. (Odd story, my friend TJ actually had a future date set up to talk about taking a break with his girlfriend earlier this year – when the date came they agreed they would either take a break for several months and get back together after talking everything out, or it would just end of everything…)
But back to you…from the way you were talking and acting last week it seemed as if you were not happy with your relationship with your boyfriend – when you broke up you weren’t affected by it all, not happy nor sad, you were just like, “oh well.” I mean maybe you were suppressing your feelings or whatever, probably a little bit of mixed emotions and uncertainty filled you up. It upsets me when I hear you say things about how much your life sucks, or how you hate yourself, and this and that…you know very well you are better than that and anyone that tells you differently or makes you feel differently than that should take a hike. Honestly, you are turning 21 in a few days, you are so young and have so many possibilities open for you…sure school sucks, but you have to trudge through it. It may not make you happy right now, but it’s something you got to do, the ends will justify the means, trust me. Life is going to throw little obstacles in your way to make you open your eyes and look at things from a different perspective, it’s not to harm you or be anything you can’t handle, but you’ll learn and grow from it. Later in life you’ll look back to these times and be like, “really, I was upset over that, look how much I overcame since then..” god I sound like some fucking motivational speaker and that needs to stop cold.
But really, you are an incredible person from what I’ve gotten to know in the short amount of time that I have had. You have your whole life ahead of you, go out there and fucking live it, because if you hesitate now, you’ll regret it later…you’re too young to settle down, and do not need the stress of a relationship of bogging you down – you’ve got enough to deal with what with school and all, and you really deserve someone who will be supportive at all times and not make you feel like crap…and I think you realize that.
Now to me…I really don’t know what to say that I haven’t already told you…yes I like you, that’s obvious and has been since you trained me. That one Sunday night when you wanted me to tell you how I felt, like I said in one of the voicemails I left you…I just felt it wasn’t appropriate to address matters like that via a text. I was more than willing to call you and tell you how much fun I was having with you over the phone, voice to voice rather than try to text it all out while cleaning the restaurant. I did not, and still do not know what you meant when you said “don’t worry I understand, I get it” after I told you I’d call you as soon as I got out…I wasn’t putting you on the backburner or letting you down, I just, I don’t get it…It doesn’t make much of a difference now, and like I said this comes with no hope or agenda, but I’ll just say it to get it out of the way.
Yes, I like you, i really did like you. I would have loved to hang out with you more during the summer at Cedar Point to have gotten to know you better, but that didn’t happen (you were friends with jsdfds who I wasn’t much of a fan of at the time…) I was willing to give this all a shot…I wanted to come visit you in, well wherever you were. I wanted to throw aside any rationalized thinking, what about distance or anything, and give it all a chance, I wanted to take a chance on you, you are a gamble that I’d go all in on. I didn’t/don’t care about the consequences, what if it didn’t work out, what if it did then what, we would have burned those bridges as we came to them – all that really mattered was that we were presented with an opportunity and we took the risk: to say we did rather than did not, to know rather than sitting around wondering what if…I know some may say that’s living haphazardly, but that’s just living without fear, and a lot of times in life you should ask yourself, “what would I do if I were not afraid?” Everything seemed to be clicking in our situation and so I wanted to press it further…that’s how I feel, and that’s not how it turned out.
You asked me why I didn’t do anything with you, why we didn’t have sex – well, I suppose that’s one area I didn’t want to rush into. I cared about you a lot, and I felt we didn’t need the focus to be on that…don’t get me wrong I would have loved to have done anything with you, like I kept saying that one night, I really enjoyed how intimate we were just laying there…the time would have eventually came and we would have had sex but I wanted to show you I was more than that (like the conversation in the car…I may talk a lot about sex but honestly it’s not a focal point of mine), and to show you that we were more than just a physical lust…I’ve never been one to be in a “honeymooner phase” but rather just the real living phase. It was never anything against you, don’t think there was anything wrong with you, believe me, I’d take you in a heartbeat.
I know this has to be long, I’ve been at the computer for quite some time and have gone through a lot of cups of coffee…I will be working all weekend for it is Hallow-fricking-weekends, and I’ll just be wanting it all to end..but the point I am getting at is I will not be back online until the earliest Monday, so if you were to write a response, whatever it may be, I would not be able to look at it for a couple days…but you have my number if you want to talk, about anything. Like I said, no agenda, I’m not trying to complicate matters or steal you away from your boyfriend, I just want you to better yourself. I still do value our friendship, and I hope to hear from you soon…"
Truly yours,
Jangus
"you're the salt to my pepper ~ G-rape ~ eeeright"
