Sundays

Reiny Daze

bring hopeless haze

Come in with the Rain

Oft I'm asked what is it I do with my time off, my down time, when I'm not..doing whatever it is I do - those moments I'm not loving, I'm not fighting, I'm barely breathing. Though I don't have a clear answer, I can somewhat provide an umbrella on this cumulous question.

It doesn't rain much here in California, but Lord it pours back home; and in an effort to bring a little bit of happiness in my world here I lit upon a nifty website that allows me to do just that. I load this site up, lower my volume down (to three or five), and I'm left to enjoy my night right.

And on those occasions I want to curl up with a Good Book I like the addition of some gentle music in the background - I found light Jazz works the best - especially if you have some classic novel in the Palms of you Hands. Just put that on repeat, or have Pandora work the magic for you (though I'm not a fan of the advertisements for times and adventures I no longer wish to partake in).

And sometimes I write (sometimes).

"..Once In A While"

Friends on a Sunday

nothing..
concise..

wasted time from the wasted gift

today was another one of those lazy day sunday's i spent the most of the time entertaining myself. i have to credit my childhood for my ability to now, as an older child, taking care of myself and handling situations like these. as an only child i entertained myself with toys and video games. i used to draw, watch a lot of TV and movies, spent some time reading the ten page books or flipping through my encyclopedias - note i still hold my aesop's fables as my favorite book, and carry it around with me in my bookbag, ask to see it.

probably one of the most traumatic things while growing up had to be the gift selection come Xmas or birthday time...i remember year after year receiving countless board games, or any other multiplayer thingie. what the fuck was i supposed to do with these games..i didn't have siblings to play with...my parents never wanted to play anything...i didn't live in a neighborhood with many children, let alone children my age, and the few that were around i never had over...i'm not asking for pity here, i just want to know the reasoning behind those gifts..gifts that sat on the shelf that soon were to be given away to other children...thankfully they got it right and bought me something i could play by myself, enter the NES.

throughout the years i've made many friends, lost many friends, fell in love, fell..back in love...there's always been a group of people around, but i'm feeling as if the number is getting smaller and smaller the older i get. with all of today's technologies keeping in contact should be a cake-walk...but maybe it's too easy...too easy to ask someone what's up..is it because we really don't care?

i need a break from blogging..i just finished yesterday's post and i'm already working on today's..a little drained and needing some fuel i think i'll head out and get some things..gatorade is on sale at the grocery store for a price that's almost cheap as free, better stock up. as i start to pick out the colors i like i look around down the aisle noticing almost everyone is on their cell phones...i start thinking about everybody i've ever known.

life is all about who you know, networking. that is my final answer...granted i feel as if i have learned that lesson a little too late, as i have burnt every bridge i've ever came across...whether it be contributed to my fault or theirs, the past is in the past and there is no looking back. Bob Dylan once said "never look back" and so i drive my car without a rearview mirror...it's my first step to achieving that spiritual way.

i finish filling up the box with assorted gatorade and start making my way to the checkout. i've always been an all or nothing type of person - there's got to be something better than in the middle, well, i believe that to be true...if the middle is as close as you're ever going to get, if the middle is where you'll forever be but you don't know that and you keep trying...i'd rather just walk away...it's black and white, either you're mine or you're not..

i scan the last gatorade and put it back in the box...if only i was able to do the same with all those people i refuse to speak to, or vice versa, all those wasted opportunities, all those bridges...where would i be now...but i guess that's me, all or nothing strong headed jerk...

i relate mostly to tj who said, as he grew older he was tired of the 'making new friends' shtick...this coming from the guy who made friends with everyone...but i understand where he was coming from for i am the same way...granted i'll be the first to go up and talk to a person or a group, be that social butterfly/engineer...but in the same sense, i just don't have time for people after that..it's like the idea of being in love with the idea of falling in love...after that initial spark is over, you're on to find something else..

my trip to the grocery store was quick, now i'm off to find some food made fast...just like any of my relationships or covert missions...get in, get out.










"Keep a good head and always carry a light bulb"

24 Hours to Live..Part II

the day that wouldn't end..
but in an alright kinda way..

After having to recant everything that just went down on the ill fated TTown trip to Phil, we moved forward with the night..well, at least that's how i would like to remember it...as much as i would like to say it was only a ten minute conversation of just the details, it was not...phil asked questions, one of which was what the next move was, i said just as she wants, she's gonna get her shit and that'll be the end of her...note that it was at this time i changed her name on my phone from "Buttercup" to "waste of energy", so if you see any "waste of ___" it's in reference to her more than likely...

i've never actually hung out with Phil before, so it was a night of bonding for us...with gary gone to talk to his future ex girlfriend and passing out on us, it was just phil and i to reflect back onto things...this got me into story mode - i covered everything from scarface to showering with my ex to bringing it back old school with pity party...

phil sat and listened, being wildly entertained by my stories - i hope to one day record them all, jot them all down, somehow get them published one way or another...just because they are something special to me..i also feel it's the best way for me to remember them...it seems like as i get older i keep telling the same jokes and the same stories over and over...i wish i could remember them all..i guess that's what friends are for...

the night grows into morning and we are still awake, i'm still drinking, and we are still exchanging stories..somehow we work into the supernatural and creep ourselves out...lucky for us dawn is breaking as we look at our phones to see it's almost seven in the morning..Phil realizes he has to be somewhere at 8 so he hops in the shower..i give a call to joy to fill her in on the night's events...(i would later find out that she thought i sounded like i was coked out...sooo, i guess that's what i get for being drunk for an entire night and staying up til 7am...)

Let's just say joy is beyond pissed at the ex, i know if she could make it possible, she would have been over in two seconds to kick somebody's ass..she even threatened to come down on sunday to go off on the waste of time, but i assured her, as much as we would both love for that, it was just a waste of energy...

i pass out shortly after Joy ends the call...i'm awoken at 1130 when Gary goes off to get his haircut..i throw up the deuces to let him know i am still alive and roll over, ball up in the fetal position and adjust the hood on my jacket to not let the light in..

a couple hours pass and i decide it's time to wake up..well, i don't really wanna wake up, but i need to do something about the rumbling in my butt that is making my stomach hate me as well...just for future record, hot wings and rum do not mix..so i gather my stuff and head out...as i open the door i am greeted by the afternoon sun, to which i make the comment, "this has to be the brightest it has ever been..ever". i start to close the door behind me when i hear a noise coming from around the corner of the apartment building..my hand hangs onto the door knob as the sound gets closer...somebody's whistling and having a gay ol time....the originator of the noise turns the corner and i realize it's Gary..so i open the door and head back inside...

back inside the noise and commotion of gary and i wakes up phil, and we just pick up where we left off last night...gary's soon to be ex-girlfriend came over shortly after that as well...she gets the name of "soon to be ex-girlfriend" as a funny little joke..see, they aren't dating yet, but any girl Gary dates soon becomes his ex, it's like a revolving door...i can't really explain it..we're all hungry so we decide to go around the corner to Steak N Shake - i know right, it's like 2 pm not 2am and we are eating SnS? wow.

we're goofing off, being that one asshole table who just wants to have fun - the waitress luckily has time for it, but then Phil gets a call and his girlfriend (actual) is coming to join us...now there are two things kinda wrong with this scenario..the first and most present to you is the fact i somehow just became the fifth wheel..but the other part you don't know about is, Phil's girlfriend is...i like to say, special....no she's not retarded, she just is a lot more innocent and holier than thou art...so the swearing has to drop from a ten to a negative two...with her arrival it was like night and day at the table..sure we still joked around, but it was nothing near as bad as when we first arrived...

now i'm not saying this is entirely a bad thing..we all know how i talk out my ass without ever thinking about what it is i am actually saying...i think the most recent ex would agree whole heartedly with that..it's always been something i am made aware of, something i wish i could work on, but instincts are instincts..and i've become a callous asshole throughout my years...so i think that if i can make an effort to not say fuck every other word, i may make a a transition for the better good...

so after our meal it was back to the apartment..this is where things kinda got heavy...so the two guys are just that, guys, and the place is something short of a cluster fuck, typical stuff - similar to TJ's apartment...i don't know how people can live like that, but it's not my place, so i don't care....but Phil's gf does care..and ensued a little fight...

Phil is doing everything he can to meet the gf half way on things - i mean she's a typical girl with her typical issues...i mean in all actuality she's a really good girl, as a person and for him..she makes him want to better himself and she comes off as pretty cool...but in the same breath i will say at times she just needs to get it the fuck together..girls, can't explain them..so i just put my dick in them, joke joke..

well Phil grabs me and we go to Walmart to pick up cleaning supplies, anything to make the gf content...we talk about things, relationships, and we realize from the past almost 24 hours we have spent together, we are pretty close to the same person...we hare similar styles of comedy, we are able to play off one another and have witty banter, it's a change up from the usual people who have been present in my life, i say present as in people i interact with everyday face to face...not my close friends who are reading this getting pissed right now...sheesh

we are back at the apartment and the girl i sporadically dubbed my girlfriend has left..she came over after SnS and to make me feel more acceptable to the group, she was called that..now she is gone..so everyone starts cleaning, phil is trying his best to keep from blowing his top, i'm gently weeping while i play the guitar, offering some sort of cleaning music...i quickly get tuned out when Gary plugs in the ipod.

we spend the next two hours cleaning and rearranging, the apartment is really coming along, it's after 8 and we need a break for dinner...nobody has a preference on what to eat so we just all pile into one car...there's the debate on whether or not to take two vehicles or not..seeings how we have five people...we could either all cram together...or take two and be comfortable..had there been a nice even number, no doubt on what to do..

we change restaurant decisions several times before finally pulling into Pizza Hut..cool, we need a five top, so they pull together a couple tables, leaving six chairs...we start to look at the menu, and for the family meals they have an option for four people, and six people...it's cool, i'll just go fuck myself...

in all honesty i'm just playing around with the fifth wheel thing, honestly it should have some effect on me, what with the loss of my girlfriend and all..i should be a pitiful little bitch right about now...but instead, it's all jokes and rolls right off my back...

after dinner we make a stop at linens n things...apparently it is going out of business, but they kick us out because it's nine o'clock...the group gives me crap because i was talking with one of the store associates the entire time we were in there...they asked if i got her number..sure did...five..

back at the apartment we were all trying to figure out what to do..i randomly picked to play Loser - my favorite board game ever...next to monopoly...so only two highlights were worth mentioning...the first being Gary is probably the biggest loser of all time...he had spelt loser twice before anyone spelt it the first time...and he almost made it to a third...Phil's gf was last to get loser, on a challenge by me...who doesn't like tomatoes or mushrooms?

the second highlight was when i was about to roll the dice when i noticed all the game pieces were all on one square...except mine...on the complete other side of the board, all by itself...again, another fifth wheel reference...i told everyone i was just gonna go kill myself..using the safety scissors of course...

the night eventually winds down...the girls leave one by one...i stick around for a bit, but then decide to go home as well as Gary sits in the car with his gf to be ex soon and Phil is having an argument with his gf on the phone..didn't...didn't they just leave..so i went home...went to sleep...should have had Pat pick up my shift...

"I got her number...what was it...5!"

Sea-Sea's

i always work Monday...
what the effnf?

today's a nothing day...i got home late last night, i don't work today, but i work tomorrow at 6am...so that doesn't really offer me a lot of time to go and travel like i would...so instead..i do nothing.

i woke up at 10 because of something, but quickly fell back to sleep..i woke again at noon because my phone was going off..the ex texted me last night sometime asking when she could get her stuff...i never replied last night...so she texted me again today at noon...i didn't have time for that, and just silenced my phone...how does it feel...

i may have gotten up shortly after that, but i didn't get out of bed til 130, and that was to use the bathroom...i had nothing on the agenda today..i was so bored i showered. i did a little online stalking, or so i was told by the person i was stalking, and that kept me entertained for a bit..until i got hungry...so i decided to deposit some money in the bank and head out for Cici's pizza

TJ made mention of it yesterday, and i remembering we had one just down the road thought it sounded like a good idea...(didn't i just have pizza on Friday?) TJ also made mention of hating me because i was fucking his ex-girlfriend...ohh the humor...

i ate alone at a buffet..i like that, i like giving myself an hour to enjoy myself with food and maybe a book...they actually have TV's in there, and video games..it's something short of the greatest place on earth...today i brought in with me one of the journals i wrote years ago...i'm probably the only person in the world who can read my handwriting, and at times, it's even beyond me...the one i brought in with me was the one i started at Cedar Point in 2006...

reading over the pages dusted off old memories, refreshed them in an HD format sort of way..as i pieced together the horrible hieroglyphics, images in my head played out like i was right there, reliving every moment..even though i wrote a brief synopsis on the events, my mind put together the rest, adding in conversations, outfits, weather conditions, all the mundane details to make this memory seem real.

i had forgot a lot of things i wrote about...it was the end of may 2006 and i had asked TJ to move to Indy with me...i hated Indy, but we wanted to be near each other and i was over Btown...makes sense now in 2008 why i am here, it all had to do with something that never happened in 2006...

the ex calls..i hit the 'fuck you button' while saying, "don't.fucking.call me" i giggle like a school girl and just repeat it. she doesn't leave a message..what a lameass...

12 pieces of pizza, 4 breadsticks, 2 refills of lemonade, 1 brownie, and 1 cinnamon roll into the evening and i called it quits..i don't think i was full, i was just finished. i made it back to my place, got into my room...i noticed how dimly lit the place was, i hopped into bed, the same place i had been this morning, the same place i am in every day of the week...i didn't want to come back home, but what else was there for me to do..

i wake up to my phone going off..apparently i finally replied to the ex and then passed out, funny...i'm still in my clothes, minus the sandals i wore today - heck even the sunglasses i wore are still on my head..i'm that cool, "i wear my sunglasses to bed"...

i sit up...i am upset now...i just napped and now there is no way humanly for me to go to sleep tonight, i ruined it. it's after 830..i don't want to do a thing right now...i don't feel like reading my journals, i barely get by with blogging....this room has so much bad energy it'll be the death of me

i'm so bored out of my mind i almost want to take an ambien now to just get it over with...the ex will be coming on Friday or Sunday..i tried telling her whenever is best for her, however i won't be here...i want one of my girl friends to be here to punch her in the face, that'd be nice...

the half pill kicks in..i'm giggling at everything while i chew on the string attached to my jacket..cpydi is talking to me via aim, i change my status to reflect that for TJ, but he's away...it doesn't last long enough though...soon after i start commenting on how stupid everything is...apparently that's my go to word...i'm still chewing on the string though...and now i just feel down...i just want to sleep when i am supposed to

"said like a little kid...'Teeeeej, your ex-girlfriend is turning me on...tell her to stop"

Lazy Dayz

it's always darkest..
..before it goes pitch black

so today was a pretty slow and lazy day...Bdubs opened across the street which will cause the problems with parking to increase now..can't wait for that. the bears narrowly won today, almost blowing another big lead in the fourth, as only the bears can do..however they did win and the clots lost..yay.

work was exceptionally slow...i arrived at 4, we had 30 covers on the books for the night and 7 servers...amazing. i was part of a three person team, having the 13 top in the conrad room, the cocktail lounge, and the other private dining room was opened up for regular seating as well...i suppose you can add patio in there as well, but it was too cold..so basically we had the front..i was to lead the 13 top, which was supposed to arrive at 8..so after getting everything set up, sidework, and whatnot....i had nothing to do...

it was 5 and i was bored out of my mind, i wandered around and found some nice people over at IRD (In Room Dining) - the one i always talk with and the new girl who asks a lot of questions...well today was no different, they were dead and we were dead..so we just sat around talking. they kept asking me questions about life, my life, love, my relationships, the iphone, so on and so forth.

what's funny is most of the time i say i hate being asked questions - in reality it only pertains to the questions of 'what do you wanna do with yourself' and shit like that...ask me what i've done or where i've been and i'll open up the book for you.

i like telling stories, obviously, i like going into detail, obviously..i can't wait to have children and grandchildren that i can bore with my life details...if i can remember them....maybe i'll give them my blog and say, "go at it"

i feel as if i have decent life stories...i've been told by several people that no matter what, i always have a story, wherever i go something happens..i think that's kinda neat if it's true...don't other people have weird and random shit happen to them too?i don't think i'm special by any means...for if i were..i'd be doing something else right now.

i sit back there for almost the entire three hours...i see people come and go, my managers walk by, ask if i was really still sitting there, to which i replied with something smart back at them...at 6 one of the triumvirates in my group was sent home...at 8, the other...leaving me with the 13 top all to myself...

it turned out to be a decent time, even if they did have a 200 transfer, even if they didn't sit til 9, even if i didn't get home til 1am..i made more money than the rest of the servers combined more than likely...and i didn't have jack to do...it was a simple party, off menu, whatever..they loved me and i walked with good money.

on my way out i think about stopping in at Bdubs, don't ask me why, i kinda don't wanna ever go in there now because of the ex..as silly as that is..i was so excited for it before..now, well, fuck it..they are just taking up my parking spaces.

it's closed, meh...time to go home..stay on the computer til all hours of the night..i don't have to work tomorrow...

"you wanna have sex...we could do big things together"