shabbott anyone?
it's a Saturday and i am not scheduled to work today, it'd be a good thing had i requested it off, but alas, i did not. it's funny because the ex has stated on multiple occasion how our breakup has been the best thing for me, my luck is really turning around - right, i've been getting Friday's and Saturday's off, which may be all fun and games for most people, but in my line of work those are the clutch days you need to have...let's not forget my non-transfer to MI, the lost and confused state of mind i've been in for a month now...'but you're doing things you've always wanted to do' - in all actuality i've been doing the same thing i've been doing for the past year - i got to work, and if i'm not at work i sit in my room, Indy has nothing for me, and without her present in my life, that's even less things to do....
but i do have something planned for the day, thank god, my friend Gary has invited me to play on his flag football team, i guess there were some people who went away this weekend or something - whatever the case he needed bodies to fill the spots..and i have had an itch to play sports again. i think it was my text to him on Wednesday, on that god forsaken trip to Detroit where i randomly im'ed him about playing in the soccer league he mentioned to me last week, and just as luck would have it, he needed me to play football this Saturday...
right before the game i went out and bought cleats and WR gloves, yeah, i'm a geek like that, but everyone else on the field had gloves too, so nahhhh. i played a decent game - for not having played in years. i dropped a pass that was thrown behind me, and the other time i made a cut right in front of the QB, there was no reason for me to drop it, i hated life...i did make a catch on offense before all that, so, yay..and i also made a huge catch towards the end of the game, where we went for the extra point after a touchdown - scoring this would have made it a two score lead - the pass was thrown into the endzone and one of my teammates couldn't hold onto the ball, so as it fell to the ground i was there, diving in, to catch it..i was happy.
but my favorite part of the game is defense..i would have had an interception had i not been out of bounds, but that was the only pass thrown to the guy i was covering, i'm just that good..we won the game and Gary's team stayed undefeated.
it was wicked hot out so i flew back home to hop in the shower...as i was parking some crazy guy came out and asked for a ride to the end of the street...i tried to shoo him away, but he was in my way to park...so he got in, i was pissed, blew threw the stop signs all the way to the end of the street...he then asked if i had a doobie i could sell him - "Get the fuck out of my car, now!" ...i flew back threw the stop signs to my house..i was not happy with that exchange..but the shower was good...
make note, because i did, but today was the only day other than Monday in the past week i did not travel a length greater than an hour...maybe round trip with all i did sure, but i didn't go to Chicago, i didn't go to Ohio, to Michigan, to anywhere but around Indy...i did drive, just not very far...
i spend the rest of the evening changing where i sit with my lappy, updating the blog (which is where the last four posts including this one came from..so i know i left out a lot of randomly cool stuff), just chillin'. sometime around 7 i get a call...i think it's those damn church bells down the street, nope, it's buttercup. she tells me she is passing through Indy, but isn't stopping..i try briefly to have her still come, telling i want to say goodbye to which she asks if i am going somewhere...
i go into how i cannot be friends with her at this moment in time, it's not fair to anyone, i hate to be all or nothing, but i want her in my life as something more than she wants, so any conversation or visits we have, will just make my heart drop each time. at first she doesn't understand, but eventually it all makes sense...we talk for the next hour, i explain a lot of things i wanted to do in person, and a lot i wanted to just leave in an email...
lately when i've been on the phone with her i find myself lost into the conversation - from an outside perspective i pace around the kitchen, living, and dining rooms. i lose track of everything else that was going on, time stands still, i am absolved into the conversation...about halfway through the conversation tonight i paused, realized i had been on my feet the entire time shuffling around and then it hit me, pain. before the phone ever rang i had been very cautious as to how i walked - the new shoes left me with very nice blisters on my feet, which caused me to walk on the sides of my feet..but take me out of my reality and have me talk to the ex, i'm running around the house as if nothing was the matter, the only pain that exists to me is in my heart not on my feet - until the call ends.
once again she tries to cut me off short, telling me the phone is dying and rather than finishing the conversation, she'll just tell me when she's coming to pick up her fridge and TV..this hits a nerve, i say to her, before you go i have one thing to tell you...i lay down for her the payment plan i created...asking that i will want on the 13th of every month a check to be in my po box with some sort of dollar amount, it can range from a penny to whatever you want..i say is two years ok for you...no answer..would three be better, it's only 4k, just let me know how long do you need...she asks why..why the thirteenth, well that date has it's significance it's not only your birthday, but, you'll understand...she gets upset, hangs the phone up...
i suppose i should have seen this coming, that's why i wanted to say this in person..i think it would have gone down a lot better...i try calling back and texting, no response, at least not for a couple minutes...she tells me i don't have to worry about saying goodbye because this is hers right now...she doesn't want to speak to me again...the next and last time i will see her is when she picks up her things..she asks for me to leave her alone...this is going splendid...
i write her a message on facebook right before i defriend her, i give her the link to this very blog...i tell her if she really cares about me like she says she does, then she will visit this website..i told her i will know if she goes to the website as well, and that it will be an indication to me if what she says is true or if what i believe to be in my head is reality...my money is on her not visiting...
that's all i can do..i gave it 110%, she was giving nothing at the end - sure she may have been giving when we were together, but now we aren't together and here am i, pulling the weight of it all
on a lighter note i think it is funny that my room was cleaned to the fullest for a weekend that nobody ended seeing me, go figure...i also have noticed a change in myself - i have started to talk to myself, aloud ,to a greater degree. i can't really remember the exact last time i talked to myself in such significance, i mean i always have always will, but presently it seems i have more conversations with myself than...anyone else. it's probably been years that i've used a voice recorder to capture my rants, i see a much younger version of me doing these things and i question whether in the end it is healthy or not...
i like to bring the cats into the living room and talk to them...it's pretty much the same conversation i would have with myself, just with a little more interjection of 'what do you think?' i mean talking to yourself, or some inanimate object is one thing, but the cats...well, they are alive..they just can't respond other than meow....
maybe i'm going insane..i tell you..i try to overcome all this and i end up fucking myself over..i know time will ease things for me eventually, but it's just hell in the meantime..maybe i should get into a car wreck, go into coma or have amnesia...see, these are the thoughts that go through my mind...
i wanted closure, wanted to be able to give the last punch, tell the ex to fuck off and die in so many words, but she ended up doing that to me...so i'll never get the closure i need, i'll never come out victorious, i'll just keep pining, keep beating myself up...
back to my drive back home today, though it was rushed, i had a lot on my mind...it was a beautiful day out, i just finished a game of football, what could i possible be thinking of - leaving. as i rode I-70 east towards Indy the downtown buildings grew into larger perspective, my destination was only a few miles away, a quick trip, but i questioned why am i still here, why is this still my scenery. i hate it here, i hated it here when i was with the girl - she always felt bad about it, thinking i chose here to be with her, well i kinda did, but it was my own foolish decision - i'm not going to hold her responsible for what i do with myself. having her made living here a little more tolerable, whether she saw it or not, whether i said it not, it was really the only thing keeping me here....so what's keeping me here now...the no-go on the transfer, my fear of moving and change, the desire to stop running...you name it because your guess is as good as mine
i work at 8am tomorrow, it's getting late, i've already snapped today, sleep will help me prolong losing my mind..i've got a gyro in the fridge for tomorrow..i wonder if i am supposed to feed the cats...
but i do have something planned for the day, thank god, my friend Gary has invited me to play on his flag football team, i guess there were some people who went away this weekend or something - whatever the case he needed bodies to fill the spots..and i have had an itch to play sports again. i think it was my text to him on Wednesday, on that god forsaken trip to Detroit where i randomly im'ed him about playing in the soccer league he mentioned to me last week, and just as luck would have it, he needed me to play football this Saturday...
right before the game i went out and bought cleats and WR gloves, yeah, i'm a geek like that, but everyone else on the field had gloves too, so nahhhh. i played a decent game - for not having played in years. i dropped a pass that was thrown behind me, and the other time i made a cut right in front of the QB, there was no reason for me to drop it, i hated life...i did make a catch on offense before all that, so, yay..and i also made a huge catch towards the end of the game, where we went for the extra point after a touchdown - scoring this would have made it a two score lead - the pass was thrown into the endzone and one of my teammates couldn't hold onto the ball, so as it fell to the ground i was there, diving in, to catch it..i was happy.
but my favorite part of the game is defense..i would have had an interception had i not been out of bounds, but that was the only pass thrown to the guy i was covering, i'm just that good..we won the game and Gary's team stayed undefeated.
it was wicked hot out so i flew back home to hop in the shower...as i was parking some crazy guy came out and asked for a ride to the end of the street...i tried to shoo him away, but he was in my way to park...so he got in, i was pissed, blew threw the stop signs all the way to the end of the street...he then asked if i had a doobie i could sell him - "Get the fuck out of my car, now!" ...i flew back threw the stop signs to my house..i was not happy with that exchange..but the shower was good...
make note, because i did, but today was the only day other than Monday in the past week i did not travel a length greater than an hour...maybe round trip with all i did sure, but i didn't go to Chicago, i didn't go to Ohio, to Michigan, to anywhere but around Indy...i did drive, just not very far...
i spend the rest of the evening changing where i sit with my lappy, updating the blog (which is where the last four posts including this one came from..so i know i left out a lot of randomly cool stuff), just chillin'. sometime around 7 i get a call...i think it's those damn church bells down the street, nope, it's buttercup. she tells me she is passing through Indy, but isn't stopping..i try briefly to have her still come, telling i want to say goodbye to which she asks if i am going somewhere...
i go into how i cannot be friends with her at this moment in time, it's not fair to anyone, i hate to be all or nothing, but i want her in my life as something more than she wants, so any conversation or visits we have, will just make my heart drop each time. at first she doesn't understand, but eventually it all makes sense...we talk for the next hour, i explain a lot of things i wanted to do in person, and a lot i wanted to just leave in an email...
lately when i've been on the phone with her i find myself lost into the conversation - from an outside perspective i pace around the kitchen, living, and dining rooms. i lose track of everything else that was going on, time stands still, i am absolved into the conversation...about halfway through the conversation tonight i paused, realized i had been on my feet the entire time shuffling around and then it hit me, pain. before the phone ever rang i had been very cautious as to how i walked - the new shoes left me with very nice blisters on my feet, which caused me to walk on the sides of my feet..but take me out of my reality and have me talk to the ex, i'm running around the house as if nothing was the matter, the only pain that exists to me is in my heart not on my feet - until the call ends.
once again she tries to cut me off short, telling me the phone is dying and rather than finishing the conversation, she'll just tell me when she's coming to pick up her fridge and TV..this hits a nerve, i say to her, before you go i have one thing to tell you...i lay down for her the payment plan i created...asking that i will want on the 13th of every month a check to be in my po box with some sort of dollar amount, it can range from a penny to whatever you want..i say is two years ok for you...no answer..would three be better, it's only 4k, just let me know how long do you need...she asks why..why the thirteenth, well that date has it's significance it's not only your birthday, but, you'll understand...she gets upset, hangs the phone up...
i suppose i should have seen this coming, that's why i wanted to say this in person..i think it would have gone down a lot better...i try calling back and texting, no response, at least not for a couple minutes...she tells me i don't have to worry about saying goodbye because this is hers right now...she doesn't want to speak to me again...the next and last time i will see her is when she picks up her things..she asks for me to leave her alone...this is going splendid...
i write her a message on facebook right before i defriend her, i give her the link to this very blog...i tell her if she really cares about me like she says she does, then she will visit this website..i told her i will know if she goes to the website as well, and that it will be an indication to me if what she says is true or if what i believe to be in my head is reality...my money is on her not visiting...
that's all i can do..i gave it 110%, she was giving nothing at the end - sure she may have been giving when we were together, but now we aren't together and here am i, pulling the weight of it all
on a lighter note i think it is funny that my room was cleaned to the fullest for a weekend that nobody ended seeing me, go figure...i also have noticed a change in myself - i have started to talk to myself, aloud ,to a greater degree. i can't really remember the exact last time i talked to myself in such significance, i mean i always have always will, but presently it seems i have more conversations with myself than...anyone else. it's probably been years that i've used a voice recorder to capture my rants, i see a much younger version of me doing these things and i question whether in the end it is healthy or not...
i like to bring the cats into the living room and talk to them...it's pretty much the same conversation i would have with myself, just with a little more interjection of 'what do you think?' i mean talking to yourself, or some inanimate object is one thing, but the cats...well, they are alive..they just can't respond other than meow....
maybe i'm going insane..i tell you..i try to overcome all this and i end up fucking myself over..i know time will ease things for me eventually, but it's just hell in the meantime..maybe i should get into a car wreck, go into coma or have amnesia...see, these are the thoughts that go through my mind...
i wanted closure, wanted to be able to give the last punch, tell the ex to fuck off and die in so many words, but she ended up doing that to me...so i'll never get the closure i need, i'll never come out victorious, i'll just keep pining, keep beating myself up...
back to my drive back home today, though it was rushed, i had a lot on my mind...it was a beautiful day out, i just finished a game of football, what could i possible be thinking of - leaving. as i rode I-70 east towards Indy the downtown buildings grew into larger perspective, my destination was only a few miles away, a quick trip, but i questioned why am i still here, why is this still my scenery. i hate it here, i hated it here when i was with the girl - she always felt bad about it, thinking i chose here to be with her, well i kinda did, but it was my own foolish decision - i'm not going to hold her responsible for what i do with myself. having her made living here a little more tolerable, whether she saw it or not, whether i said it not, it was really the only thing keeping me here....so what's keeping me here now...the no-go on the transfer, my fear of moving and change, the desire to stop running...you name it because your guess is as good as mine
i work at 8am tomorrow, it's getting late, i've already snapped today, sleep will help me prolong losing my mind..i've got a gyro in the fridge for tomorrow..i wonder if i am supposed to feed the cats...
G - You're the only guy i know who would show up to a football game with a penguin on his shirt
M - You said a black shirt...and it's the linux penguin..
G - The wha?
M - It's the mascot for a computer operating system
G - *shakes head* Even worse
M - It's..it's mental intimidation
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