down memory lane, Illinois
i have today and tomorrow off...i'm going to do something that i should have done a long time ago..i'm gonna end the madness, or just perpetuate it further..you know me, all or nothing. I had people who wanted to see me this weekend, i had others who did not...but i decided on doing something for me...for once. i'm seeing those who forgot i even exist.
i don't perceive this to go very well, i plan on having my heart broken again this week...just rack it up on one of the many things i tried because i wanted but somehow i failed...there's something humbling about being the better person..and don't question why would it be the second time my heart would be broken this week..really? did you forget..monday/tuesday...we're over ring a bell...forget it...
i still don't know why i'm doing this, what sparked this..was it Monday's conversation..is all i need just a good kick in the ass to get myself motivated to do things...before i've want to become something big, be something great, and rub it in the faces of those who cast me aside, proving to them that i didn't need them and look how i turned out. i've been mad before, but i don't know if i ever wanted to kick their asses...no, just rub their faces into my success like a dog into their own shit...well, so much for that idea..
no, i'm humbler now...i don't want an apology, explanations, or excuses...i know they will have their side to the story as my mother's parents have their side..it doesn't matter, every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around..better late than never, no such thing as 'too little too late', as long as you make a valiant effort, well, there's nothing more that can be asked of you..today, i make the effort in hopes others make a future effort
i think to myself, maybe it's wrong of me to do this, i was already thrown out the window of these people's lives once, who the fuck am i to be all self-righteous trying to barge into people's lives and established families all because 'i'm lost in life and on some soul-satisfying journey' or some shit..where do i get off re-opening wounds that time finally got finished healing...
i guess you'll never know til you try...don't beat yourself up worrying about 'what-if?' go out and find out for yourself or you'll be questioning it all your life...you'll learn something about yourself and other people along the way too, as long as you have something you can take from it all, then it was worth it..
i'm going to do it.
i don't perceive this to go very well, i plan on having my heart broken again this week...just rack it up on one of the many things i tried because i wanted but somehow i failed...there's something humbling about being the better person..and don't question why would it be the second time my heart would be broken this week..really? did you forget..monday/tuesday...we're over ring a bell...forget it...
i still don't know why i'm doing this, what sparked this..was it Monday's conversation..is all i need just a good kick in the ass to get myself motivated to do things...before i've want to become something big, be something great, and rub it in the faces of those who cast me aside, proving to them that i didn't need them and look how i turned out. i've been mad before, but i don't know if i ever wanted to kick their asses...no, just rub their faces into my success like a dog into their own shit...well, so much for that idea..
no, i'm humbler now...i don't want an apology, explanations, or excuses...i know they will have their side to the story as my mother's parents have their side..it doesn't matter, every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around..better late than never, no such thing as 'too little too late', as long as you make a valiant effort, well, there's nothing more that can be asked of you..today, i make the effort in hopes others make a future effort
i think to myself, maybe it's wrong of me to do this, i was already thrown out the window of these people's lives once, who the fuck am i to be all self-righteous trying to barge into people's lives and established families all because 'i'm lost in life and on some soul-satisfying journey' or some shit..where do i get off re-opening wounds that time finally got finished healing...
i guess you'll never know til you try...don't beat yourself up worrying about 'what-if?' go out and find out for yourself or you'll be questioning it all your life...you'll learn something about yourself and other people along the way too, as long as you have something you can take from it all, then it was worth it..
i'm going to do it.
"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and The Man In The Moon.
'When ya comin' home son?'
'I don't know when, we'll get together then, Dad,
We're gonna have a good time then'."
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