i do it all the time with these posts...
it's amazing what little oval pills can do for you..i just hope this isn't a gateway drug, last thing i need is to go to jail on possession charges, whoops...but maybe i'm wrong, maybe i do need to explore this as an outlet for my emotions, anything to calm my nerves, make me eat, and clear my head....looks like pot it is....
i woke up this morning realizing i fell asleep with the lights on, i heard it's less dangerous that way..my sleeping aid induced coma got to me quicker than i realized last night..and it had me rise earlier than my alarm...every now and then i like to wake up well before my alarm goes off, only so i can bask in the comfort of the warm bed, cold air, and cuddle up back to sleep...it allows for me to get out of bed as soon as my alarm does go off later...so in a way it's like a snooze, but instead of ten minutes, you get another hour or so
it's a new month, the cold air has arrived, and i'm feeling a lot better than yesterday...i think it has something to do with the sleep..i still have yet to eat or replace these thoughts in my head. i start my drive on the way to work...something's different, i attribute it to the ambien from last night..it always leaves me feeling refreshed, til i get out of bed, then i feel woozy a bit, but with a weird sense of energy..
as i am driving by what i like to call the outskirts of downtown i have a thought, i reach a red light, and pause. i take a look around, no cars, so i make an illegal U-turn heading back...my feelings guided me on over to a parking lot that Amy usually parks at, i've never parked there before, and it's not like me to break from my norm, but today is different so i proceed to park there.
i get out of my car and start my walk..i swear this is half way between my house and work. it's a chilly morning so i zip up my Michigan jacket that i wear proudly...i chuckle at the hilarity in that comment; not only did i fail and leave Michigan never to return again, their football program has been nothing more than the butt of jokes in the past years...way to blow...
the walk seems long..in reality it's not that long, it's just not my normal routine, everything seems out of whack, but it allows me more time for me to take in the day, feel the cold air on my face and in my lungs, smell all the scents of downtown, quickly people watch, it's beneficial i think.
at work i find out i have a call party, a two top, they requested me and the guy's wife is apparently friends with my female manager...both the manager and i have no clue who this guy is by the name on the reservation...he arrives and i remember the face, it's kinda hard not to forget a forty year old man with braces...but i've only waited on him the one time, and i cant really remember why he remembers me, until he orders...this is the guy who let me make his meal, that's right...he gives me an idea on what he wants, and i go to the computer and input my variation on things...now i could be an ass and make him get the most expensive steak, add a rub, sides, etc, but i'm not like that..he's done no wrong to me, and it's kinda nifty to create something for a stranger.
all the courses come out and he enjoys it all, it's nice that he ordered off the dinner menu too, nothing beats having a $150 check for a two top at lunch, with no alcohol...the rest of the shift goes by well for me...i had a table request breakfast, my call two top wanted dinner, and my other two tables had lunch...not only that, but i was the first to sell the new scallop BLT right after we were told we could sell it...the icing on the cake, wow bad pun, came when i coaxed my last table to order the chocolate hazelnut cake with a scoop of our homemade hazelnut Kahlua ice cream...i was rocking and rolling today. having breakfast, lunch, and dinner entrees all in one shift i called a triple-double...the scallop special and dessert add-on were what made me a MVP in my mind..
as i checked out i told my manager should there be a cut for tonight i would like to take it, gonna roll out on a positive note, making reference to myself as Michael Jordan, when he retired the second time. that and knowing how much dinner sucked last night i was more than happy to offer up a shift, well turns out they were making five cuts, wow...
as i change jackets and think how i feel like Mr Rogers in a way...you know, he would walk in, hang up one jacket and put on the vest jacket thing, and reverse process when he left...i'm taking off my potatoe sack jacket to hang up and putting on my Michigan jacket...whatever...
i stroll on outside back to the lot where i parked my car...i walk past my favorite homeless guy in his normal spot, say hello, i was going to give him some money, but i didn't have any readily on hand - he looks happy..i always wonder about him..he sticks out in my mind so whenever i am traveling through downtown i can spot him easily..i see him at the bus station, walking around, i wonder if he really does have a home...i've been tempted to follow him because he's only in his spot certain hours of the day...i call him the 9 to 5 hobo
i decide to stop at subway, it's located right next to the lot where i parked my car..i haven't eaten anything in what seems like forever and i have a craving for a cold meat sandwich...i go with my normal, chicken terriayki. i just wish that they could inject the food into my stomach for me..i don't feel like eating, and the mere thought makes me sick a little...but my stomach growls for food and i know i need it...such a weird dilemma...
i make it back to my place and unwind..i decide to watch UHF by Weird Al...it's a good two hours at least before i finally take a stab at eating that sandwich..i only get through the first half of the footlong and place the rest in the fridge...the latter part of the night i kill time chatting online
i'm trying to figure out what to do about this weekend...as far as i know, i still have Friday/Saturday off - hoping that the kid who picked up my Saturday shift still works for us. a week ago it was to go to The Hole...now, well, that's not happening...i know TJ wants me to come out, and i want to go out and see him...but i have this new vision in my head of what i should do. what should i do...
i continue to beat myself up over everything that has happened..sure i may have said i feel better, but i didn't say i feel back to normal, didn't feel 100%..maybe my nerves officially gave up, quit, went on strike, whatever the case, i'm not as big of a mess as i was the other day, yet i am still thinking about it. situations play out in my head, what if this - what if that..i try to make a time line for how everything went down, my thoughts are cruel - if my imagination could kill, it would have done that, slowly and painfully a thousand times by now (and you thought i was gonna say Uzi...)
you are your own worst critic...i don't know if it's good or not, but it seems like whenever something like this happens i'll just beat the shit out of myself emotionally to the point i wake up and i'm over it...you know, thinking about it, sounds kinda fucked up...i even asked TJ to beat the shit out of me physically so i could wake up from this down-and-out state i'm in....he said he's got one good punch left in him...maybe this explains why my girl friend Joy gets tattoos, it's a different form of pain, self inflicted, to overcome another pain...body art is just their outlet, mine i keep bottled up inside, like so many other things..
i start cleaning my room, its one of those nervous habits i do at times probably to show i have control of something. i find old notes and journals, i read them. all of a sudden there's a charge in the air, a wave of positive emotion overcomes me. i read things that i wrote, i giggle at my intelligent humor, but i read what others have wrote me as well. this is what i need. i see a trend, if you're an ex-gf then you hate me, but if you were anyone else in my life, i somehow touched you, made an impact, a difference, and you thank me for it...
maybe i am a good guy..all the notes connote the same thing - i'm an amazing person, but there's always one flaw with it too...they tell me to keep my head up, look on the bright side of things, but don't change for anyone...a little contradictory, but i go with it..if you change, it's got to be for yourself, change comes from within, and usually takes 21 times, or so i've heard. i do want to be a better person, i want to be aware of how i affect people, both positively and negatively...i am oblivious most of the time to either now. i just live my life, and i feel if i compromise one part, it will ruin everything else though...i know i can be an asshole, but i don't mean it, i may be the only person to yell and curse someone out, saying the most hurtful things and keep a smile the entire time...i really don't mean it, but i say it..i guess that's where i'm wrong...
the positive train keeps coming in though..i text Joy and ask her about myself, try to up lift me..she does just that, telling me how i've always been there for her and so forth, but then she breaks it down, like fo reals..joy breaks her silence and literally goes off about my ex, saying everything she's felt about how i've been treated by the ex and her actions in general..now i know i am prone to twisting words and plot lines around, but i feel as if this is one time i've been able to offer a transcript of, so maybe Joy's right..i tell her to keep going, don't hold back, i need to hear it all..she gets everything off her chest, and we both feel better...
in the process of cleaning i also find my Blue Day Book, referenced many a-times here in my blog i am sure - though it may not have notes in it like somebody else's, it means a lot to me, second edition i've had in my possession since 2002. whenever i need a little cheering up, i turn to that book, there are three pictures in the book that i need to take a time out for because they crack my shit up so much ..i like to read it to other people though, i like being able to connect with them by narrating the book to them..usually after i read the book to them they go out and buy it the next day, its that powerful.
but this time, i have nobody to read it to, this place sucks. i get a text, it's Helen, so i decide to call her, she's been checking up on me daily to make sure i am doing alright...she may be in a land of mormons, but she provides the cheer in my life i need right now...oddly enough, i find that all i have now-a-days are phone a friends..why on earth did i move away from everyone.
instantly she tells me i sound better, i say somewhat, it's not fully..i need to keep this going though...i explain my situation and she asks me to read her the book, i know it won't be the same, she cant see the pictures, so i do my best to describe them to her...the reading is really for me, we both know that, but she's a doll and bears with me...
by the end of the book i've wiped away tears of laughter, her battery is running dead so we end it there...i feel as if i have some how miraculously made it to stage five on the steps of grief...everyone's hard work has finally paid off, i've gone through denial..i went through a bit of anger..i even begged...and of course i went through depression...but you know what...stage 5 - Acceptance - Fuck Her.
i know that may sound anger but you know what...i did everything i could to get it right, or fix it fast (ughh, i sound like work). everything she tried to combat me against i took head-on...it was her who ended up fucking everything up. i didn't make her get drunk, i didn't spread her legs, i just tried to show how good a person i really am...i never gave up, til i woke up. it's over..i don't need a lying cheat anyways...she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, she even knew better saying she wanted to find different friends, better friends...but she didn't, they turned her gullible ass into one of them - she can't blame anyone but herself for what she did..sure i may have initially caused the breakup, but again i say, i took positive action, she negatively reacted...at least i'll be sleeping on an easy conscious without guilt tonight...she cant say the same...
friends, no..i don't need someone like her in my life, it will just be a reminder of bad times..it's sad to lose someone so close, but i've got other people i've neglected to make things up to now...to her, i bid farewell, toodles~~~
i woke up this morning realizing i fell asleep with the lights on, i heard it's less dangerous that way..my sleeping aid induced coma got to me quicker than i realized last night..and it had me rise earlier than my alarm...every now and then i like to wake up well before my alarm goes off, only so i can bask in the comfort of the warm bed, cold air, and cuddle up back to sleep...it allows for me to get out of bed as soon as my alarm does go off later...so in a way it's like a snooze, but instead of ten minutes, you get another hour or so
it's a new month, the cold air has arrived, and i'm feeling a lot better than yesterday...i think it has something to do with the sleep..i still have yet to eat or replace these thoughts in my head. i start my drive on the way to work...something's different, i attribute it to the ambien from last night..it always leaves me feeling refreshed, til i get out of bed, then i feel woozy a bit, but with a weird sense of energy..
as i am driving by what i like to call the outskirts of downtown i have a thought, i reach a red light, and pause. i take a look around, no cars, so i make an illegal U-turn heading back...my feelings guided me on over to a parking lot that Amy usually parks at, i've never parked there before, and it's not like me to break from my norm, but today is different so i proceed to park there.
i get out of my car and start my walk..i swear this is half way between my house and work. it's a chilly morning so i zip up my Michigan jacket that i wear proudly...i chuckle at the hilarity in that comment; not only did i fail and leave Michigan never to return again, their football program has been nothing more than the butt of jokes in the past years...way to blow...
the walk seems long..in reality it's not that long, it's just not my normal routine, everything seems out of whack, but it allows me more time for me to take in the day, feel the cold air on my face and in my lungs, smell all the scents of downtown, quickly people watch, it's beneficial i think.
at work i find out i have a call party, a two top, they requested me and the guy's wife is apparently friends with my female manager...both the manager and i have no clue who this guy is by the name on the reservation...he arrives and i remember the face, it's kinda hard not to forget a forty year old man with braces...but i've only waited on him the one time, and i cant really remember why he remembers me, until he orders...this is the guy who let me make his meal, that's right...he gives me an idea on what he wants, and i go to the computer and input my variation on things...now i could be an ass and make him get the most expensive steak, add a rub, sides, etc, but i'm not like that..he's done no wrong to me, and it's kinda nifty to create something for a stranger.
all the courses come out and he enjoys it all, it's nice that he ordered off the dinner menu too, nothing beats having a $150 check for a two top at lunch, with no alcohol...the rest of the shift goes by well for me...i had a table request breakfast, my call two top wanted dinner, and my other two tables had lunch...not only that, but i was the first to sell the new scallop BLT right after we were told we could sell it...the icing on the cake, wow bad pun, came when i coaxed my last table to order the chocolate hazelnut cake with a scoop of our homemade hazelnut Kahlua ice cream...i was rocking and rolling today. having breakfast, lunch, and dinner entrees all in one shift i called a triple-double...the scallop special and dessert add-on were what made me a MVP in my mind..
as i checked out i told my manager should there be a cut for tonight i would like to take it, gonna roll out on a positive note, making reference to myself as Michael Jordan, when he retired the second time. that and knowing how much dinner sucked last night i was more than happy to offer up a shift, well turns out they were making five cuts, wow...
as i change jackets and think how i feel like Mr Rogers in a way...you know, he would walk in, hang up one jacket and put on the vest jacket thing, and reverse process when he left...i'm taking off my potatoe sack jacket to hang up and putting on my Michigan jacket...whatever...
i stroll on outside back to the lot where i parked my car...i walk past my favorite homeless guy in his normal spot, say hello, i was going to give him some money, but i didn't have any readily on hand - he looks happy..i always wonder about him..he sticks out in my mind so whenever i am traveling through downtown i can spot him easily..i see him at the bus station, walking around, i wonder if he really does have a home...i've been tempted to follow him because he's only in his spot certain hours of the day...i call him the 9 to 5 hobo
i decide to stop at subway, it's located right next to the lot where i parked my car..i haven't eaten anything in what seems like forever and i have a craving for a cold meat sandwich...i go with my normal, chicken terriayki. i just wish that they could inject the food into my stomach for me..i don't feel like eating, and the mere thought makes me sick a little...but my stomach growls for food and i know i need it...such a weird dilemma...
i make it back to my place and unwind..i decide to watch UHF by Weird Al...it's a good two hours at least before i finally take a stab at eating that sandwich..i only get through the first half of the footlong and place the rest in the fridge...the latter part of the night i kill time chatting online
i'm trying to figure out what to do about this weekend...as far as i know, i still have Friday/Saturday off - hoping that the kid who picked up my Saturday shift still works for us. a week ago it was to go to The Hole...now, well, that's not happening...i know TJ wants me to come out, and i want to go out and see him...but i have this new vision in my head of what i should do. what should i do...
i continue to beat myself up over everything that has happened..sure i may have said i feel better, but i didn't say i feel back to normal, didn't feel 100%..maybe my nerves officially gave up, quit, went on strike, whatever the case, i'm not as big of a mess as i was the other day, yet i am still thinking about it. situations play out in my head, what if this - what if that..i try to make a time line for how everything went down, my thoughts are cruel - if my imagination could kill, it would have done that, slowly and painfully a thousand times by now (and you thought i was gonna say Uzi...)
you are your own worst critic...i don't know if it's good or not, but it seems like whenever something like this happens i'll just beat the shit out of myself emotionally to the point i wake up and i'm over it...you know, thinking about it, sounds kinda fucked up...i even asked TJ to beat the shit out of me physically so i could wake up from this down-and-out state i'm in....he said he's got one good punch left in him...maybe this explains why my girl friend Joy gets tattoos, it's a different form of pain, self inflicted, to overcome another pain...body art is just their outlet, mine i keep bottled up inside, like so many other things..
i start cleaning my room, its one of those nervous habits i do at times probably to show i have control of something. i find old notes and journals, i read them. all of a sudden there's a charge in the air, a wave of positive emotion overcomes me. i read things that i wrote, i giggle at my intelligent humor, but i read what others have wrote me as well. this is what i need. i see a trend, if you're an ex-gf then you hate me, but if you were anyone else in my life, i somehow touched you, made an impact, a difference, and you thank me for it...
maybe i am a good guy..all the notes connote the same thing - i'm an amazing person, but there's always one flaw with it too...they tell me to keep my head up, look on the bright side of things, but don't change for anyone...a little contradictory, but i go with it..if you change, it's got to be for yourself, change comes from within, and usually takes 21 times, or so i've heard. i do want to be a better person, i want to be aware of how i affect people, both positively and negatively...i am oblivious most of the time to either now. i just live my life, and i feel if i compromise one part, it will ruin everything else though...i know i can be an asshole, but i don't mean it, i may be the only person to yell and curse someone out, saying the most hurtful things and keep a smile the entire time...i really don't mean it, but i say it..i guess that's where i'm wrong...
the positive train keeps coming in though..i text Joy and ask her about myself, try to up lift me..she does just that, telling me how i've always been there for her and so forth, but then she breaks it down, like fo reals..joy breaks her silence and literally goes off about my ex, saying everything she's felt about how i've been treated by the ex and her actions in general..now i know i am prone to twisting words and plot lines around, but i feel as if this is one time i've been able to offer a transcript of, so maybe Joy's right..i tell her to keep going, don't hold back, i need to hear it all..she gets everything off her chest, and we both feel better...
in the process of cleaning i also find my Blue Day Book, referenced many a-times here in my blog i am sure - though it may not have notes in it like somebody else's, it means a lot to me, second edition i've had in my possession since 2002. whenever i need a little cheering up, i turn to that book, there are three pictures in the book that i need to take a time out for because they crack my shit up so much ..i like to read it to other people though, i like being able to connect with them by narrating the book to them..usually after i read the book to them they go out and buy it the next day, its that powerful.
but this time, i have nobody to read it to, this place sucks. i get a text, it's Helen, so i decide to call her, she's been checking up on me daily to make sure i am doing alright...she may be in a land of mormons, but she provides the cheer in my life i need right now...oddly enough, i find that all i have now-a-days are phone a friends..why on earth did i move away from everyone.
instantly she tells me i sound better, i say somewhat, it's not fully..i need to keep this going though...i explain my situation and she asks me to read her the book, i know it won't be the same, she cant see the pictures, so i do my best to describe them to her...the reading is really for me, we both know that, but she's a doll and bears with me...
by the end of the book i've wiped away tears of laughter, her battery is running dead so we end it there...i feel as if i have some how miraculously made it to stage five on the steps of grief...everyone's hard work has finally paid off, i've gone through denial..i went through a bit of anger..i even begged...and of course i went through depression...but you know what...stage 5 - Acceptance - Fuck Her.
i know that may sound anger but you know what...i did everything i could to get it right, or fix it fast (ughh, i sound like work). everything she tried to combat me against i took head-on...it was her who ended up fucking everything up. i didn't make her get drunk, i didn't spread her legs, i just tried to show how good a person i really am...i never gave up, til i woke up. it's over..i don't need a lying cheat anyways...she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, she even knew better saying she wanted to find different friends, better friends...but she didn't, they turned her gullible ass into one of them - she can't blame anyone but herself for what she did..sure i may have initially caused the breakup, but again i say, i took positive action, she negatively reacted...at least i'll be sleeping on an easy conscious without guilt tonight...she cant say the same...
friends, no..i don't need someone like her in my life, it will just be a reminder of bad times..it's sad to lose someone so close, but i've got other people i've neglected to make things up to now...to her, i bid farewell, toodles~~~
"we're not destined to be together..we're both aries.."
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