Just Nothing

when good enough..
..isn't good enough

putting the 'bla' in blue35tuesday...

I'm not feeling this...any of this...after a second day of libo, second day of (kinda) doing what I wanted, wearing what I wanted, being who I wanted to be, I feel blaaa. It was shortly after returning from the gym and eating chow when I felt this discontent with the world. This feeling would only grow on me as the night dwindled down to a close.

Maybe it was the fact of dealing with the engine/trans issues that have been lingering on since...after boot..maybe because my $20,000 vehicle has been sitting and rusting away since Feb of this year...maybe because even after all is said and done I won't have the money to deal with the shitty situation..maybe because this situation - as a whole - i mean everything -- is not to my liking.

I'm not enjoying my time in guard - the man who could turn any situation into something enjoyable is apparently losing his touch it would seem. I hate how we [guard] get blasted like we are still recruits..we don't get the freedom or privileges that even ITB is getting..and I hate fucking up

Getting called out on shit upsets me, not because those who are doing the calling out are picky sons-of-bitches that really need something better to do than take our their mommy neglecting them when they were children issues out on me..but rather because I failed. I hate failing.

All throughout my childhood I've always been in the top percent on anything I did (except swimming, but who the fuck cares about that...) I guess once my name got out that I wasn't the run-of-the-mill child I got away with more and more...Example was back in highschool, I was interested in applying for the Advanced Placement U.S. History class. In order to get selected you had to write an essay on a certain drawing or something along those lines, yeah, it as like an application process pretty much. Regardless I wanted to know what the course was like so I went and talked to the teacher for a little bit. After the discussion I decided that I would apply for the class. So one week later I turned in my essay and as I am doing so the teacher looks at me baffled..he asks me what I was handing him, I explain my application..to which he tells me that all I had to do is say I wanted in and I got it...

Here I haven't amounted to anything yet, and more than likely I will not make a career out of this...I actually see myself using my MOS skills and security clearance to become one of those defense contractors...and make six figures...Yes, money is the answer to 99.9% of questions and problems. I'm just trying to figure out what that other .1% is...

Maybe I'm beating myself up, maybe not...you are you're own worst critic they say. Well, maybe I'm not as harsh as my mother who said my blog wasn't anything worth reading - lol. Yeah she said this to me over my boot leave but in a conversation we had last night she doesn't recall it...I guess she reads this tripe and actually likes it...I can't think of anyone who really doesn't enjoy this little blog

Even you, yeah you..secretly reading away checking on my every move..seeing if I'm doing something else 'stupid' - welcome to the reality that is my life. You can read away..I'm just someone else, but a lot more interesting..and maybe if you were to actually know me..you wouldn't hate me? Of course I cannot make any guarantees on that, you either love me, hate me, or love me then turn to hating me. So I suppose anything is possible...you'll see, if you haven't already as you've read deep into my psyche, that I'm really not that bad of a person and I've never meant any harm..it's just a really fucked up situation and it's hard to make sense of it.

I hate sounding all emo and shit, and this blog really doesn't need that type of misdirection, but sometimes that's the only time I want to write...It may not be my best writing, but it's something out there...and I know not every day I can write, some days you're on, some days you're off - granted I'm on more often than not ;-)

I miss things..I miss photography..I miss TJ..I miss living my life.







"you always seem to make something good great"

I Break

the water's grown
but it's not the 12th

and my references are so obscure i barely get them...

i take my last bite of the chicken wings i ordered in - not the last bite because i have run out of food, clearly the four boxes of random apps and entrees are almost untouched. no, rather it is my last bite because i'm full....or at least i think i'm full.

it's a weird feeling - my stomache growls wanting more, yet the thought of putting anymore sustance down the hatch makes me feel queasy. how can one be full and hungry at the same time..how can one person experience such polar opposite feelings, such extreme emotions simultaneously?

i try to forget about the craziness of it and continue reading my book - it's bukowski's Hollywood. I've been in a mood to read something, and all the books i would have picked up were never returned by those who "borrowed" them - another reason why i hate lending things out to people, it never comes back to you the same way you left it, if at all....

this book was actually a gift, not to me, but from me to a girl i once knew. i actually have never read the book, but i love bukowski's writing and so i picked up one of his novel's hoping the future english teacher would enjoy his writing too....funny how almost three years later i came across it in storage, still wrapped...

so ultimately it was a gift to me. and the timing in my life couldn't have been more appropriate.

as i have said i have always enjoyed bukowski's poems and short stories..but this book so far is....nothing special. granted i'm barely into it, but i think i should be captivated from the moment i open the book..it should call out to me, like nausea or the waiter rant or whatever

but that's just me, basing all my feelings on the initial encounter...you may think it's wrong to "judge a book by it's cover" but i've never been wrong before...

i can't concentrate, my stomach is grumbling...it doesn't make sense and i can't come up with any reasoning for it..i have plenty of food to eat, if i were hungry, but i'm full..this point is proven as my eyelids tarp over my eyes and i sink into the pillows. i know fighting it will get me nowhere..if i try i'll get twenty pages ahead and not remember a thing, it'll be a waste of time, might as well stop now.

i lay there with my eyes closed for an hour, asleep for maybe half of it, the latter half...and when i finally come to again i am greeted with a hungry stomach.. but since time has passed i've made a little bit of room in my tummy for some food...but it doesn't help.

i read on, and in the process i start to resurrect my inner dialogue. this is a funny thing, it's a delicate thing. the rattled dust fills the air, scattering about as each piece going in it's own direction..no ryhme or reason..tickling my insides..the sounds of spoken words fill my head, rising from the ash and now taking form as bukowski.

the heat kicks on as i can feel a gust of air now blowing on me. it's a love/hate relationship i have with winter - i hate the cold and the snow when i'm outside, but when i'm inside, when i can control the environment, cranking up the heat, wrapping up in a blanket yet still being able to look out the windows at the white sheets covering everything, then i'm happy.

but with winter comes the coldness in my soul, a hibernation of sensibility..and just like a bukowski poem or existential story out comes the tortured artist that lies within me...the winter not only causes people to huddle into their warm homes, closing windows and the outside world; i take that to the extreme..shutting out those i know and love in a depressive downward spiral...and just as your furnace kicks in, my bleeding heart too pours out...

this could be a good thing, but then again, you can't have the sweet without the sour...another catch 22, the story of my life










"if it made sense or was normal, it wouldn't be the jangus life"

Excitement Through Nothingness

i got my swim trunks...
and my flippie floppies

after a night like last night, i needed this day off...

i wish i would have woken up in btown, like how one of the twelve plans we had last night we had ending...but no, i have to make the trip down there today for a haircut - why do i get my hair cut all the way down in btown? well to be honest i like the girl who cuts my hair, despite all the difficulties my hair has she knows the intricacies of it, she's a goof, and she reminds me of an ex, so she's cute - that and i'm a hardcore republican who doesn't like change, lol.

other than the haircut my day is jam-packed full of, nothing...all the other roommates are at work, and so i have another friday to myself. these are the mini-vacations i need..whole house to myself, i can play my music, at whatever volume i want without trying to drown out something else in the background, i can walk around naked, i can do whatever...i usually utilize this time catching up on blogs, reading, and just relaxing. since today is a scorcher in the upper 80's and it's also opening day for the pool at the clubhouse, i decide to mosey on down there for a change of pace.

granted it's now 5pm and the hottest part of the day is now over i figure i'll have the place to myself, it is a friday night after all - people will be home getting ready for tonight's wild events. as i approach the gate to the pool i see a family gathering their belongings, looks like my deductions were spot on. i smile and nod as i pass them, and claim a spot on the opposite side of the pool. i make camp on the reclining chairs, setting up my ipod on a table i drug over to me, along with my gatorade bottle, and after getting settled in i begin reading the "waiter rant" from where i last left off.

as mentioned before i like reading the waiter rant because it awakes my inner dialogue. about halfway through the book i start talking in my head and processing actions 'aloud' as if i was a character in a book..i like to think it helps with my writing and not that i am going crazy.

it's not long before two others join me, a man and a woman, a couple i am assuming, in their twenties. they stay on the opposing side from my position, throwing down their bags and laying out their blankets on the chairs. the girl sets up shop in one of the chairs while the guy goes for a quick dip in the pool. once he feels he is fully watered down he climbs out of the pool and heads back over to his lady friend who also is reading. he then lays out on the reclined chair and places a towel over his face, covering his eyes.

the juxtaposition of the two intrigue me...are they a couple, and if so, how? i see an overweight, pale, average slum joe next to a tiny framed, tan, good looking girl. my first reaction is as it always is, "it's not fair". now i'll say that to the day i die, no matter who i am or am not dating at the time, when i see pretty girls and lackluster guys i think it's not right..

i know this is random, but whenever i was living in a dorm setting, if i ever heard one of my neighbors having sex i would always picture it to be the most beautiful girl in the world with the ugliest guy in the world, and i would get angry - it didn't matter if i was getting laid by six different girls at the same time, i would still be upset in my head.

i can't help but to people watch and the position of my chair versus where the couple is located makes it obvious that i am looking...but i'm not looking at her, rather i'm simply observing her. within moments of my head turned in her direction i see her eyes pull off of her book and over to me..it's easier for her, i'm right in her line of sight, oh if only i hadn't repositioned the chair when i sat down. i do my best to cover, glancing around as if i am just lost in a thought..then i get lost in a thought..

i think to myself about how they met, assuming again they are a couple. did they meet through friends..nah..or was it one of those random hook-ups at a bar or party that just over extended it's stay...how many of those relationships really work out...if you fuck on the first date, rather if you fuck on the first night of knowing each other, what is the probability of that relationship going further...you know, i don't ever remember my parents telling me the story of how they first met to include "i was really wasted at this club, and this drunk chick with this killer rack stumbles up to the bar next to me for another drink...i mean i was pretty shitfaced by then so my judgment was a little off but her ass had it going on so i started to hit on her..and then after the next journey song we were heading back to my place to where i was giving it anyway she wanted it...then you know, happily ever after"

and don't even get me started on the bit about not being able to find good girls in bars because it's been done before (superbad) and you know it's absolutely true. Mr Tom Waits says 'you don't meet nice girls in coffee shops' but i don't know about that...unless you go to those stupid indie coffee shops, where you have those really bitchy feminist girls...then yeah i'll agree...ughh, where to go to meet a nice girl....and as for work relationships, shut the fuck up.

i'm still in a daze and looking in the direction of the girl, err couple. i gather myself and look back at my book, only a few more pages left before the end of the chapter....i finish reading those final remaining paragraphs and then i decide to close up shop. quickly i pack my item back into my bag and run home, i hate being around people when i'm trying to relax.










"Hell is other people....except for when you make them your heaven"

Untitled

bacon..
..tits..

and every other random thing that is passing through my mind right now...enjoy?

it's a friday and i don't work, i didn't work last friday, that was my last day off, it's nice to have days off...i did laundry today..while it was drying i sat out on the patio of the clubhouse and continued to read Waiter Rant..i think i scared away a potential hottie because i was there...we both looked up at the same time and she kinda froze in her tracks, then turned around, lame.

on top of that my plans for tonight were canceled, ugh...i just wanna go putt-putting and see a movie..things you cannot do alone...what did i used to do as a child, watch tv? i feel as if i should do something more now that i am older...ugh, older...maybe i am doomed to having a peter pan syndrome...who needs to grow up, seriously? it's not that i don't want a 9-5 job, be settled down, have kids and a house...i just don't want to give up my sense of humor and childishness...

cpydi made a blog the other day how 'i never treated her right' in regards to me making her smell any and all of my bodily odors - for the record i love the way my saliva smells on me..and if it smells good on a girl, or she likes it, we are meant to be...so far i've only found one girl it smelled perfect on...

i got distracted and starting reading old posts..i think i was trying to find something, somehow i ended up in march of 2006...my older posts make me laugh...i have forgotten all the details about the unforgettable nights, good thing i wrote them down...hopefully i'll laugh at these in three years..

three years ago, march of 2006 was when tj and i started hanging out...the whole reason how we got together was because him and his girlfriend broke up, allowing him to then go out..and replace the void that she created..enter me...only after a year or so of trying to get him to come out with any of the OOGG crew..we were like family, and to have someone not spend time with us was not normal. he's been gone for 2 weeks now and i still have yet to cry. the first real person in my life to die, other than my dog, and i got nothing...i cried more for my dog...does that make me less of a person..maybe because it was expected, since February we knew it was coming...but does that make the actual passing any less traumatic...it shouldn't

who booby-traps their door?! so phil wants to move out to back home order to save money so he can afford to buy an engagement ring and house for his soon to be fiance-person....i think it's a great sentiment (if you believe in the sanction of marriage and aren't afraid, lol) but in the same breath i almost want to say, how does that resolve the deeper issue you are trying to solve..you want to save money and become financially responsible by taking away all financial responsibilities off of you..

sure i can save up for a house too, if i were to live out of my car and be homeless..i guess i would respect that more actually, falling back onto your parents is, well, not responsible - way to be an adult...sure they should be there to help you out and all..maybe i'm more jaded...maybe because i've been on my own since 19, i've been homeless, filed bankruptcy, everyone has turned their backs on me from friends to so-called family...let me tell you, blood is not thick than water, and it runs down the drain all the same...

it's nearing 8 and i can hear the thunder rumbling...two hearts are beating together echos through my apartment...why do i always have stupid love/breakup songs playing when i'm alone, the ipod must be on the wrong playlist...

i wish that kat would have been for reals about escaping this weekend..i'd much rather be landing in cali three hours behind time now staring out into the pacific ocean granted it's the same temperature..there's something about going somewhere else that allows you to leave your baggage at the terminal, waiting for your return flight. the plan would be financially stupid, but mentally healthy..whatever, you can't take it with you..

as i am reading i am writing this blog...remember when i was supposed to go back to UofM in the fall of 2006....remember when i was supposed to go back in the fall of 2009..for that matter, remember when i was supposed to return in the fall of 2002, or 2003...it's one of those things i'll never get to do that i'll keep fighting for while ignoring the signs that are telling me i'm not supposed to do it...

wait, what's the difference between a sign and hurdle? don't people follow their gut instinct anymore..don't people have gut instincts anymore...aren't people spontaneous...i want those days back...if i could turn back time

i swear all these ramblings could each be their own dedicated posting...










"pizzas..ice cream..vanilla coke..pop rocks...this is what i buy when i'm at kroger, i am a kid?!"

Taking a Day Off

day bye day..
where are my trumpets?

why is it always nice outside when i just want the day to not exist..

I wake up a little before 1, but continue to lay in bed - in all actuality I woke up somewhere in the 10’s but I already had an agenda for today and had no reason being up that ‘early’...so 1pm rolls up and I start to make my shimmy out of bed. I slide out of bed and plop myself in front of my computer where I begin my day as usual...reading any texts I received during my slumber, checking any facebook notifications, going through the email, the norm...

I have to shit but someone is taking a shower so the door to the bathroom is locked. While I wait I I pick up my phone seeing it is 130 now and make my call into work...i was offered to take the cut last night, but I opted to work instead saying I preferred to take the cut, if available, on Saturday....and after working last night, I should have taken off both nights.

I call work, the reservations stand where they were last night, so the cut is still available, I graciously take it - tonight will be my first day off from work since Wednesday of last week....funny how my bank account doesn’t reflect that.

The person finally exits the bathroom and reveals themselves to be EmEl, Gary’s most consistent flavor of the week. By now the shit has subsided, so I go into the kitchen to reheat some leftover Olive Garden from a couple days ago.

I land on the couch with my microwaved Italian goodness and turn on the TV...i scroll through the menu guide coming up with absolutely nothing..not even background noise to eat...then I remember I have a plethora of Ghost Hunters recorded I have yet to watch...

It’s going to be a chill day I can tell already...

The hour long episode ends and I make my way into the bathroom for now the shit has returned, and it’s also time to shower...get this day going. In the shower I go over my plans for today...next on the agenda is laundry, all my sheets still need to be washed from when I was sick a couple weeks ago. I originally wanted to hit the gym today, legs day, but that’s really the last thing on my mind...once I get some other things straightened out I’ll be ready for the gym.

The final plan for the day is to head down to Bloomington, I’ve got a date with my duck and some photos with the band I’ve come to enjoy. The last time we saw them I found out the keyboardist has some sick fascination with ducks, just like me, and I told them I’d bring him to the concert so we could all take pics with him...

But as I get out of the shower I have some text messages from TTB and Gary..TTB wants me to work tonight and Gary wants to work tonight...i took the cut from one job that I don’t have to work nearly as hard at...i’m not about to work when I already have plans...and now that Gary wants to work I don’t think I have a substitute to go to this concert with..the band is looking forward to seeing us both..and if I just show up, how lame will that be...i’m not going to this thing alone, I’ve done that enough...i don’t even feel like doing anything at this rate

The Laundromat turns out to be a bust, one of my new articles of clothing decided to bleed and ruin all my whites....cooool...i'm going back home...this day, like this blog has been a bust....it's all been a bust...i'll make something interesting...i'm just dusting the fingers...










"hang me out up to dry..you wrung me out too too too many times"

Keeping it Alive

it's like a pep rally...
for the light-hearted..

i got to say something, even when there's nothing to say...

so yesterday was St Patty's Day and i did eventually make it out to the bars to enjoy a nice frosty Guinness. All in all it was an enjoyable night, i guess you can say..met up with an old co-worker, met up with two ladies, ate at a new place (always a highlight for me), and stayed out decently late.

i guess i'm not much up for going out still, not quite 100% - this cough makes me wish it were the end..i love not getting enough air as i hack out the remaining breath all the while forcing mucus out from my lungs as my ears pop...it's a joy, really, try it sometime....

i've been on a paranormal kick..or i've just been watching too much TV now that i've had a week off from doing any sort of work..i've watched plenty of the ghost hunters i dvrd, followed up with paranormal state, scariest places on earth, and of course, ghostbusters....it..makes...me...wanna start doing this and getting back into it...but, that's a pipe dream

gary brought over some random man/chick last night..he claims he scored....he is that guy so who knows..because after all, he is that guy

i plan on actually going into work tomorrow...even if it is a 6am shift, a pointless shift most of the times, but it wouldn't be cas/lax/thurs if i didn't work it...i miss some of the people from there at times, but maybe i feel as if my presence, or lack there of, really matters...sidenote, i plan on also not shaving...so we will see how long i actually last at work..i think i look fine...

oh, the most noteworthy thing from today was gary not leaving for nashville...apparently he overdrafted his bank account, so he had to use his vacation/rent money to pull him back into the positive...ohh those fees, they'll get you...but the plus side is...we finally got to eat at Fiesta Ranchera..my favorite little eatery located near us..see, the plan was to eat there yesterday, as we generally do on Tuesdays...but the little fucker gary stood me up...then came home drunk after 10 trying to get me to come out....well, i can't turn down a Guinness so i went out...and as karma would have it, the card he used to buy my drink was connected to his bank account....not saying my drink is what made it go over...but i'm sure it helped ;-)








"Nobody cares!!!"

All in a Wednesday

i smell like i came out of a pool...
and i didn't go swimming...

what did you do today...oh you know, i became an ordained minister...the usua...

today was the first of many days off of work this week...i'm not too happy about it, but what can i do really? i keep saying i'm gonna pick up a second job, but..doing what? ughh, i'd take some meaningless hourly job at this point...just something to pass the time really....*searches online* blast..nothing.....

i woke up at 1pm...as always....it didn't help i fell asleep before 11pm the night prior, then woke up three hours into my rest to stay up for three more...ughh, sleeping patterns, what gives...so i started out my day late, but i didn't have anything planned, so it didn't matter...though i would definitely say i woke up on the wrong side of the bed...which i don't know if that means i woke up into the wall or if i rolled out of bed...

i called about my TV, its finished, but they are just pulling their dicks and not gonna get it over here....i made two calls, four hours apart...the last time i was very pissed....i cannot wait til tomorrow to call the fuckers because guess who still doesn't have a TV...thanks assbags...

on top of those jerkoffs, i made an attempt to go to the gym...the reason why i say attempt is because i never made it...i never made it because my car wouldn't start...it was doing the whole 'wanting to turn over but not stay running' thing again...coooool...i didn't have time for that so i walked over to the apartment clubhouse and did some cardio there for about an hour...

after that, well...back to the TV-less apartment..so i blogged, and chatted with people....and then i became an ordained minister...it's one of those free-doesn't conflict with your religious views universal life church...so, once i check it all out with the county clerk, i'll be able to perform marriages, baptise water, and such...

the real benefit of all this is i will from now on be called, Reverend Jangus....if there's anything more left in my life to do..i really don't know what it could be....








"the Reverend has spoken, and it shall be done"

Endorphin High

in pain
but happy?

sooooo, i overloaded myself on endorphins and..i feel...great? go figure..i had the day off, granted it started less than five hours into my sleep with a phone call asking me to come in for a lunch shift...which i let the voicemail take care of...yeah i know i need shifts...but a lunch only...ughh, crap on that..i originaly thought i was being called in for a dinner shift, but that was not the case, so no phone call back to work was needed...

the phone call was good because it woke me up from a scary dream...almost repetitious like i had it before, but whatever..i was up for the next three hours before i finally fell back asleep on the phone cool.

230 rolls around and i'm back up..why do i feel like ass...ughh, maybe i shouldn't have fallen back asleep...it takes me awhile to wake up and get going..a long time in fact...but once the ball gets rolling i'm on a move...a little jerking off before i head out the door to get my blood flowing and start this day off right! from the apartment its over to the tanning place, which is conveniently right around the block...it's probably been a good month plus in which i havent tanned - i know you could tell by my appearance - so i figured its good to start 09 off right, right?

after the 12 minute bake it's off to the gym - where i start with a 20 minute cardio bike ride...now here's what pissed me off...i was biking at 100 rpms and my heart rate was somewhere around 125 - granted i was on the hill course and also on level four - but as i read the little chart off to the side it said i needed my heartrate to be somewhere around 160 for 85% and a cardio workout...so i say, ok..let's put the pedal to the..carpet, apparently there's carpet in here....so i get the rpm's up to 130 or so, somewhere to the breaking point..any faster and my feet are gonna fly off this thing...i look at my heart rate, 105.....wait what? how are my rpm's and heartrate inversely related...ughh, i hate this...

from the cardio it was time for my back workout...i don't even know what i'm doing...but i think i'm doing it wrong because of the pain i am in..i love to push myself, and i love to max out on my last rep...sooo, my back...hates me...

i make it back home and i notice a spring in my step...i'm as happy as a...whats a good analogy...a dick in a vagina...and i'm about to throw up....i'm calling my grandparents, sending kissy faces online, i'm just having a good ol time...and i stop and ask myself...is this a typical state for normal people? i mean, my angry every day attitude is the norm for me...sooo, is this how normal people feel everyday, just content with everything?

let's see how long it lasts...

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fly away - i'm content with that"

Well...

nothing...
to say now....

this was originally going to be an angry post..but as the night grew on i became a little ill....first having a weird headache, and now, well, now my stomach is turning on me....so i can't fully get out all the anger at all the bastards i need to..so i'll save it for...tomorrow? who knows, we'll see...

another day off..another day of nothing...at least today was a little warmer - i got to go to the gym today, but that didn't necessarily make me feel good...in fact whenever i workout i feel like i am about to puke, never any fun...the TV repair man came over today - i swear this company, these guys, they were around when the first TVs came out..and i hate them...he replaced some things on the tv - a new motherboard and a new power supply (sounds like a computer) and after he got it back together....still had the same problem...coooool....so he took it with him

in all honesty i was hoping the tv would have been fixed for a day or so, so that i could call samsung and get someone else on the job to fix the tv...because the run around i have had with these amatuers is enough to make me pull out my hair...as gary said, glad you aren't paying for it - and even if i were, i wouldn't be in the end...

the man reaked of smoke...and i know my tv will smell just as bad when he returns it..just after the smell had finally disappated from the first trip, ughhhhh..but that was just one of the many things wrong with today

the people who were supposed to join gary and i to watch My Bloody Valentine 3D never replied back, and others, well they just didn't have time for us...and then to top it off one of my friends got super shitty with me - someone who not too long ago sat there by my side and told me of how much a fuck i wasn't, pretty much took back all of their words today...coooool, i love being called a liar, i love when my words get manipulated, i love when people think 'they have me all figured out' - know my 'game'. Look, if you knew me as a sarcastic bastard before, why can't you remember that for the present...you want to really know what my game is - i press buttons, i'm a button presser...i know what gets to you and i want you to man up and deal with it, enter me getting on you about it all the time....if you want to distort that into some falsity, well, go right ahead, i guess you really don't know me after all...

and another thing....sex....sex..you know what, this could be it's own post and i really don't have the stomach at the moment for it...let me say this really quickly before i go, fuck it, i really don't care after all...

great...now my head is starting to hurt..my sleep patern is back out of whack...what a great way to start off the year..month of january = 744 hours...i can probably do sleep in double digits....

"Soooo, does this mean we aren't getting married in 4 years?"

24 Hours to Live..Part II

the day that wouldn't end..
but in an alright kinda way..

After having to recant everything that just went down on the ill fated TTown trip to Phil, we moved forward with the night..well, at least that's how i would like to remember it...as much as i would like to say it was only a ten minute conversation of just the details, it was not...phil asked questions, one of which was what the next move was, i said just as she wants, she's gonna get her shit and that'll be the end of her...note that it was at this time i changed her name on my phone from "Buttercup" to "waste of energy", so if you see any "waste of ___" it's in reference to her more than likely...

i've never actually hung out with Phil before, so it was a night of bonding for us...with gary gone to talk to his future ex girlfriend and passing out on us, it was just phil and i to reflect back onto things...this got me into story mode - i covered everything from scarface to showering with my ex to bringing it back old school with pity party...

phil sat and listened, being wildly entertained by my stories - i hope to one day record them all, jot them all down, somehow get them published one way or another...just because they are something special to me..i also feel it's the best way for me to remember them...it seems like as i get older i keep telling the same jokes and the same stories over and over...i wish i could remember them all..i guess that's what friends are for...

the night grows into morning and we are still awake, i'm still drinking, and we are still exchanging stories..somehow we work into the supernatural and creep ourselves out...lucky for us dawn is breaking as we look at our phones to see it's almost seven in the morning..Phil realizes he has to be somewhere at 8 so he hops in the shower..i give a call to joy to fill her in on the night's events...(i would later find out that she thought i sounded like i was coked out...sooo, i guess that's what i get for being drunk for an entire night and staying up til 7am...)

Let's just say joy is beyond pissed at the ex, i know if she could make it possible, she would have been over in two seconds to kick somebody's ass..she even threatened to come down on sunday to go off on the waste of time, but i assured her, as much as we would both love for that, it was just a waste of energy...

i pass out shortly after Joy ends the call...i'm awoken at 1130 when Gary goes off to get his haircut..i throw up the deuces to let him know i am still alive and roll over, ball up in the fetal position and adjust the hood on my jacket to not let the light in..

a couple hours pass and i decide it's time to wake up..well, i don't really wanna wake up, but i need to do something about the rumbling in my butt that is making my stomach hate me as well...just for future record, hot wings and rum do not mix..so i gather my stuff and head out...as i open the door i am greeted by the afternoon sun, to which i make the comment, "this has to be the brightest it has ever been..ever". i start to close the door behind me when i hear a noise coming from around the corner of the apartment building..my hand hangs onto the door knob as the sound gets closer...somebody's whistling and having a gay ol time....the originator of the noise turns the corner and i realize it's Gary..so i open the door and head back inside...

back inside the noise and commotion of gary and i wakes up phil, and we just pick up where we left off last night...gary's soon to be ex-girlfriend came over shortly after that as well...she gets the name of "soon to be ex-girlfriend" as a funny little joke..see, they aren't dating yet, but any girl Gary dates soon becomes his ex, it's like a revolving door...i can't really explain it..we're all hungry so we decide to go around the corner to Steak N Shake - i know right, it's like 2 pm not 2am and we are eating SnS? wow.

we're goofing off, being that one asshole table who just wants to have fun - the waitress luckily has time for it, but then Phil gets a call and his girlfriend (actual) is coming to join us...now there are two things kinda wrong with this scenario..the first and most present to you is the fact i somehow just became the fifth wheel..but the other part you don't know about is, Phil's girlfriend is...i like to say, special....no she's not retarded, she just is a lot more innocent and holier than thou art...so the swearing has to drop from a ten to a negative two...with her arrival it was like night and day at the table..sure we still joked around, but it was nothing near as bad as when we first arrived...

now i'm not saying this is entirely a bad thing..we all know how i talk out my ass without ever thinking about what it is i am actually saying...i think the most recent ex would agree whole heartedly with that..it's always been something i am made aware of, something i wish i could work on, but instincts are instincts..and i've become a callous asshole throughout my years...so i think that if i can make an effort to not say fuck every other word, i may make a a transition for the better good...

so after our meal it was back to the apartment..this is where things kinda got heavy...so the two guys are just that, guys, and the place is something short of a cluster fuck, typical stuff - similar to TJ's apartment...i don't know how people can live like that, but it's not my place, so i don't care....but Phil's gf does care..and ensued a little fight...

Phil is doing everything he can to meet the gf half way on things - i mean she's a typical girl with her typical issues...i mean in all actuality she's a really good girl, as a person and for him..she makes him want to better himself and she comes off as pretty cool...but in the same breath i will say at times she just needs to get it the fuck together..girls, can't explain them..so i just put my dick in them, joke joke..

well Phil grabs me and we go to Walmart to pick up cleaning supplies, anything to make the gf content...we talk about things, relationships, and we realize from the past almost 24 hours we have spent together, we are pretty close to the same person...we hare similar styles of comedy, we are able to play off one another and have witty banter, it's a change up from the usual people who have been present in my life, i say present as in people i interact with everyday face to face...not my close friends who are reading this getting pissed right now...sheesh

we are back at the apartment and the girl i sporadically dubbed my girlfriend has left..she came over after SnS and to make me feel more acceptable to the group, she was called that..now she is gone..so everyone starts cleaning, phil is trying his best to keep from blowing his top, i'm gently weeping while i play the guitar, offering some sort of cleaning music...i quickly get tuned out when Gary plugs in the ipod.

we spend the next two hours cleaning and rearranging, the apartment is really coming along, it's after 8 and we need a break for dinner...nobody has a preference on what to eat so we just all pile into one car...there's the debate on whether or not to take two vehicles or not..seeings how we have five people...we could either all cram together...or take two and be comfortable..had there been a nice even number, no doubt on what to do..

we change restaurant decisions several times before finally pulling into Pizza Hut..cool, we need a five top, so they pull together a couple tables, leaving six chairs...we start to look at the menu, and for the family meals they have an option for four people, and six people...it's cool, i'll just go fuck myself...

in all honesty i'm just playing around with the fifth wheel thing, honestly it should have some effect on me, what with the loss of my girlfriend and all..i should be a pitiful little bitch right about now...but instead, it's all jokes and rolls right off my back...

after dinner we make a stop at linens n things...apparently it is going out of business, but they kick us out because it's nine o'clock...the group gives me crap because i was talking with one of the store associates the entire time we were in there...they asked if i got her number..sure did...five..

back at the apartment we were all trying to figure out what to do..i randomly picked to play Loser - my favorite board game ever...next to monopoly...so only two highlights were worth mentioning...the first being Gary is probably the biggest loser of all time...he had spelt loser twice before anyone spelt it the first time...and he almost made it to a third...Phil's gf was last to get loser, on a challenge by me...who doesn't like tomatoes or mushrooms?

the second highlight was when i was about to roll the dice when i noticed all the game pieces were all on one square...except mine...on the complete other side of the board, all by itself...again, another fifth wheel reference...i told everyone i was just gonna go kill myself..using the safety scissors of course...

the night eventually winds down...the girls leave one by one...i stick around for a bit, but then decide to go home as well as Gary sits in the car with his gf to be ex soon and Phil is having an argument with his gf on the phone..didn't...didn't they just leave..so i went home...went to sleep...should have had Pat pick up my shift...

"I got her number...what was it...5!"

No More Driving

finally a day of rest..
shabbott anyone?

it's a Saturday and i am not scheduled to work today, it'd be a good thing had i requested it off, but alas, i did not. it's funny because the ex has stated on multiple occasion how our breakup has been the best thing for me, my luck is really turning around - right, i've been getting Friday's and Saturday's off, which may be all fun and games for most people, but in my line of work those are the clutch days you need to have...let's not forget my non-transfer to MI, the lost and confused state of mind i've been in for a month now...'but you're doing things you've always wanted to do' - in all actuality i've been doing the same thing i've been doing for the past year - i got to work, and if i'm not at work i sit in my room, Indy has nothing for me, and without her present in my life, that's even less things to do....

but i do have something planned for the day, thank god, my friend Gary has invited me to play on his flag football team, i guess there were some people who went away this weekend or something - whatever the case he needed bodies to fill the spots..and i have had an itch to play sports again. i think it was my text to him on Wednesday, on that god forsaken trip to Detroit where i randomly im'ed him about playing in the soccer league he mentioned to me last week, and just as luck would have it, he needed me to play football this Saturday...

right before the game i went out and bought cleats and WR gloves, yeah, i'm a geek like that, but everyone else on the field had gloves too, so nahhhh. i played a decent game - for not having played in years. i dropped a pass that was thrown behind me, and the other time i made a cut right in front of the QB, there was no reason for me to drop it, i hated life...i did make a catch on offense before all that, so, yay..and i also made a huge catch towards the end of the game, where we went for the extra point after a touchdown - scoring this would have made it a two score lead - the pass was thrown into the endzone and one of my teammates couldn't hold onto the ball, so as it fell to the ground i was there, diving in, to catch it..i was happy.

but my favorite part of the game is defense..i would have had an interception had i not been out of bounds, but that was the only pass thrown to the guy i was covering, i'm just that good..we won the game and Gary's team stayed undefeated.

it was wicked hot out so i flew back home to hop in the shower...as i was parking some crazy guy came out and asked for a ride to the end of the street...i tried to shoo him away, but he was in my way to park...so he got in, i was pissed, blew threw the stop signs all the way to the end of the street...he then asked if i had a doobie i could sell him - "Get the fuck out of my car, now!" ...i flew back threw the stop signs to my house..i was not happy with that exchange..but the shower was good...

make note, because i did, but today was the only day other than Monday in the past week i did not travel a length greater than an hour...maybe round trip with all i did sure, but i didn't go to Chicago, i didn't go to Ohio, to Michigan, to anywhere but around Indy...i did drive, just not very far...

i spend the rest of the evening changing where i sit with my lappy, updating the blog (which is where the last four posts including this one came from..so i know i left out a lot of randomly cool stuff), just chillin'. sometime around 7 i get a call...i think it's those damn church bells down the street, nope, it's buttercup. she tells me she is passing through Indy, but isn't stopping..i try briefly to have her still come, telling i want to say goodbye to which she asks if i am going somewhere...

i go into how i cannot be friends with her at this moment in time, it's not fair to anyone, i hate to be all or nothing, but i want her in my life as something more than she wants, so any conversation or visits we have, will just make my heart drop each time. at first she doesn't understand, but eventually it all makes sense...we talk for the next hour, i explain a lot of things i wanted to do in person, and a lot i wanted to just leave in an email...

lately when i've been on the phone with her i find myself lost into the conversation - from an outside perspective i pace around the kitchen, living, and dining rooms. i lose track of everything else that was going on, time stands still, i am absolved into the conversation...about halfway through the conversation tonight i paused, realized i had been on my feet the entire time shuffling around and then it hit me, pain. before the phone ever rang i had been very cautious as to how i walked - the new shoes left me with very nice blisters on my feet, which caused me to walk on the sides of my feet..but take me out of my reality and have me talk to the ex, i'm running around the house as if nothing was the matter, the only pain that exists to me is in my heart not on my feet - until the call ends.

once again she tries to cut me off short, telling me the phone is dying and rather than finishing the conversation, she'll just tell me when she's coming to pick up her fridge and TV..this hits a nerve, i say to her, before you go i have one thing to tell you...i lay down for her the payment plan i created...asking that i will want on the 13th of every month a check to be in my po box with some sort of dollar amount, it can range from a penny to whatever you want..i say is two years ok for you...no answer..would three be better, it's only 4k, just let me know how long do you need...she asks why..why the thirteenth, well that date has it's significance it's not only your birthday, but, you'll understand...she gets upset, hangs the phone up...

i suppose i should have seen this coming, that's why i wanted to say this in person..i think it would have gone down a lot better...i try calling back and texting, no response, at least not for a couple minutes...she tells me i don't have to worry about saying goodbye because this is hers right now...she doesn't want to speak to me again...the next and last time i will see her is when she picks up her things..she asks for me to leave her alone...this is going splendid...

i write her a message on facebook right before i defriend her, i give her the link to this very blog...i tell her if she really cares about me like she says she does, then she will visit this website..i told her i will know if she goes to the website as well, and that it will be an indication to me if what she says is true or if what i believe to be in my head is reality...my money is on her not visiting...

that's all i can do..i gave it 110%, she was giving nothing at the end - sure she may have been giving when we were together, but now we aren't together and here am i, pulling the weight of it all

on a lighter note i think it is funny that my room was cleaned to the fullest for a weekend that nobody ended seeing me, go figure...i also have noticed a change in myself - i have started to talk to myself, aloud ,to a greater degree. i can't really remember the exact last time i talked to myself in such significance, i mean i always have always will, but presently it seems i have more conversations with myself than...anyone else. it's probably been years that i've used a voice recorder to capture my rants, i see a much younger version of me doing these things and i question whether in the end it is healthy or not...

i like to bring the cats into the living room and talk to them...it's pretty much the same conversation i would have with myself, just with a little more interjection of 'what do you think?' i mean talking to yourself, or some inanimate object is one thing, but the cats...well, they are alive..they just can't respond other than meow....

maybe i'm going insane..i tell you..i try to overcome all this and i end up fucking myself over..i know time will ease things for me eventually, but it's just hell in the meantime..maybe i should get into a car wreck, go into coma or have amnesia...see, these are the thoughts that go through my mind...

i wanted closure, wanted to be able to give the last punch, tell the ex to fuck off and die in so many words, but she ended up doing that to me...so i'll never get the closure i need, i'll never come out victorious, i'll just keep pining, keep beating myself up...

back to my drive back home today, though it was rushed, i had a lot on my mind...it was a beautiful day out, i just finished a game of football, what could i possible be thinking of - leaving. as i rode I-70 east towards Indy the downtown buildings grew into larger perspective, my destination was only a few miles away, a quick trip, but i questioned why am i still here, why is this still my scenery. i hate it here, i hated it here when i was with the girl - she always felt bad about it, thinking i chose here to be with her, well i kinda did, but it was my own foolish decision - i'm not going to hold her responsible for what i do with myself. having her made living here a little more tolerable, whether she saw it or not, whether i said it not, it was really the only thing keeping me here....so what's keeping me here now...the no-go on the transfer, my fear of moving and change, the desire to stop running...you name it because your guess is as good as mine

i work at 8am tomorrow, it's getting late, i've already snapped today, sleep will help me prolong losing my mind..i've got a gyro in the fridge for tomorrow..i wonder if i am supposed to feed the cats...

G - You're the only guy i know who would show up to a football game with a penguin on his shirt
M - You said a black shirt...and it's the linux penguin..
G - The wha?
M - It's the mascot for a computer operating system
G - *shakes head* Even worse
M - It's..it's mental intimidation