Coins

There's always
two sides...

to a story....

The Embassy wasn't as cracked up as the last post made it seem..well, maybe it was what happened....afterwards.

Everybody was fine, until after we left.  The lines "yo, I'm faded" were uttered as we walked back to the vehicle and the only two sober - because they were underage - were made the drivers.  Two car loads of drunken fools; my vehicle containing the less rowdy and more tame crowd as the other vehicle was all the officers...

We were quiet for most the way, almost ended up in Iraq because we missed our exit...the drunkest two were passed out, except faded man, who kept puking into his hoodie.  It was easy getting past the four checkpoints, though it did get close when the passenger made everyone sit up and look alive, telling faded guy to swallow it...he coughed up and i saw some chunks fly out..not a good moment.

The other guy didn't throw up until we were all the way back and parked, props to him on that...and as for me, i was feeling good.  Went in to finish the last hour of my shift, and headed home..which is where my night went awry...

I'm known for being an asshole, and in that loving characteristic is a quality you either love me or hate me for; telling it like it is.  As much as I do set records straight, fire from the hip, and being brutally honest..I do reserve quite a bit actually.

One sure fire way to get me to that point of no return, alcohol.  Alcohol is a social lubricant, works the same on me as it does any normal human being.  Alcohol helps me bridge that very small gap, where things reserved on the back-burner are pressed up in your face.

Being halfway across the world in an opposite time zone with limited communication abilities still was no match for what needed to be said.  I'll admit, it came out of the blue; something that was glossed over months before..but a heart can only endure so much beating.

It was never my intention for that night, and it's always sad to lose.  It just wasn't me that night.










"we coulda done big things together"

Embassy

American Soil..

Foreign Beers..

the life in the day of a ....

Yesterday was a much anticipated day.  Though there was no real reason we were receiving the news, we were jut happy to hear it...we were going to the Embassy.  As far as I consider, any trip off base is a good one; whether it be embassy, mall, picking up people from the airport...it's just nice to get off of base.

This marks my second time in the month we've been here for us getting off base - not too shabby if you ask me.  This time, though, I had the unfortunate task of driving out there.  In all honesty, it wasn't too bad...maybe there were more people on the road the other time we went out..maybe it wasn't so bad because I was driving..maybe it wasn't as bad because the trip seemed shorter this time..or maybe it wasn't that bad because the initial shock and fear factor had passed with that first trip.  Whatever the case may be, there were only a couple close calls - mainly because I was following an American driver while I tried to drive like the natives (in a vehicle with shitty brakes).

The Embassy was not all that it was hyped up to be - though we didn't have too high of expectations, it didn't live up to the Oasis others made it out to be...perhaps an off night as suggested by those that frequent it..whatever the case it was American soil which meant one thing, booze.

I was happy to not be limited to only beer or wine, as they did have some liquor to choose from.  My evening started with a Captain & Coke, but switched to beer only because that was what was being bought for us; that and I ran out of KD (they didn't accept plastic).

We spent a few hours there, downed more than a few beverages, socialized, and we were home just in time for my shift to end...

"Sorry guys, game over..."

Playing the Game

played..

by a player..

don't get mad at the player...

be mad at the game they say...always having their out, always going back to that as if it's some sort of justification for their lifestyle, their actions, their livelihoods.  But where does it end, for anyone..not just them, but those who 'love' them..all spiraling down, sucked into a nether region of shit....

Getting into the head of a player playing the game is an interesting concept..to see things through a woman's eyes is something I don't do well with...women are too unstable of creatures to even begin what a normal "woman" would do..then you want me to try and figure out what somer psychotic chick would do, or the reasoning for is?

I've been told before I should try and blog form a woman's perspective..I'd never be able to..woman are so fickle, so stupid, so..all-over the place..I could never get inside a woman's head..I never could..that's why all my past relationships have failed...because woman have a few extra chromosomes and I couldn't handle that.

I know I like to over analyze things, but..woman, they take the cake..and cake is a lie, so what am I left to do?

I wish I could write into some Kanye song, but as much of an asshole I am in real life, I still am no where near the level that nigga has on insightful art. What do you know?

I'm just drunk right now but this Kid is making me want to try and free my mind at night...




"you gotta get.dat. dirt off shoulder.."

I Think I'm Supposed To Do Something

but I won't

so deal

I'm too tired to give any fucks...

This will be short and sweet..I've got some things I should (probably not) say..I guess I said some things last night in a phone call...and I've been like a train raping these jokes.

Quick story: Last night...ok, back it up some more...Sunday morning I woke up and said, I'm gonna need (want) a nightcap tonight..such a weird request, especially so early...well, much later I made good on my request to myself and conjured up a drink..a horribly made make-shift margarita..but I drank it regardless. Of course after finishing that one, I needed something to wash that flavor out, so I made another, a different drink.

So 1am rolls around and the movie a friend and I have been trying to watch goes on pause for the millionth time - I make some callback to a scene that happened half an hour ago..this conversation then rears into anal sex - again, don't ask me how it got in there, it just did. So as the debate goes on, I naturally go to my anal expert...an ex-gf that has on multiple occasions, and with multiple men, allowed herself to be penetrated in the caboose (I am on that very list..)

I know what you're thinking, it's a horrible idea, but nobody's stopping me and I'm not sure why...but maybe they will in the future after they see how things go down in the end...The call actually starts off nicely, I get and leave a voicemail..sure it's 1am here, but it's 4am on the east coast, makes sense. I'm rambling about this and that, all is well, until..I don't know exactly what it was, but something just clicked in my head..maybe my "nice" reserves had finally been sucked dry, I had given this former friend too many chances..trying to make things work...

As the last bit of compassion was drained from my affable canister in the first half of that voicemail conversation, my attitude had to start drawing from somewhere else...that would be the pit of real emotion I had been biting back on. I don't even recall a transition, it just switched gears without hesitation. I mentioned how this person defriended a friend of mine, but at least that friend got a message as to why..me on the other hand, was left empty.

From there my words were drenched in sarcasm, thanking her for stealing my dog, followed by insults, to my breaking point. Still holding back from really letting go, for the sake of the company I was in, end it with "You're a fucking cunt" *laughter* **hangs up** And as I put down my phone I repeated that fulfilling line finishing with "I hope she enjoys that" - words of love, punch drunk.

No surprise I never got a response, but I was able to get that out there. And I may sound like a complete asshole, but again, I'm too tired for this, so if she cries herself to sleep at night because of it, I won't lose any myself.

none.

"A: Well, what did she do that was so horrible?

M: She just wanted to be with me?"

You There..

are you..

well..

A million things on my mind, and I can't type.

I'm not exactly sure how this should begin...i just spent the better part of half an hour talking to a picture...which, of course, only resulted in precipitation. But it's been three days, err rather four, so i must put something in here for you.

Who am i kidding...I honestly can't come up with anything at the moment...I'm obviously too drunk to say words...which is sad because i was on a roll earlier..I really can't formulate anything, and I was so stoked to post a post too..maybe a nap or something will do..I love the fact we have a 96 this week..i needed a break so much..i mean, it's already sunday@?

I'll just go and talk to you some more i guess..

"i wish i could forget you like you forgot that night....but it's not that simple for me"

I Hate

this....
and this....

but really,

yay, its a post at night, as i promised..because i keep my promises, i hold true to my word and i don't like to lie...you know, that's right, i don't like to lie - sure, tell fibs, joke, make sarcastic remarks, but straight out lie...well, i guess the better part of my life is one big lie then...

i'm tired of being everyone's dirty little secret, of being the lie, the forgotten - wait i can handle that last one - what i really fucking hate is in the autobiography of ever fucking person i've ever known, i'm just some fucking deleted footnote, the "and between the months of April through October there was a time of no importance where all the time possible was spent with a certain someone who shall remain nameless"

i look back onto my past relationships, you know the ones where i turned stone into marble for those bitches, and the least they could do is pay a little respect to me in return, but instead i get shunned, as if i was the one to blame for how they turned out now..minus the cool parts! i look back and, well, they don't. they forget about how i helped them overcome their self-consciousness, or to break free from something that was plaguing them, get over irrational fears...nahhh, that's not what i am here for...

instead, when those fucking cunts look back on their lives and reflect about me, it's some horrid and graphic display of how i did them wrong..but that's a sad side story - i'm not playing the victim card, so help me, i just want people to wake the fuck up....

as an additional side not i'd like to mention that all those girls whom i've helped prior get over what ailed them, turning shit into gold, somehow end up fucking it all up after they discard me out of their lives..they turn right back around, down the hill, and complete the cycle back to shit....way to blow a-holes...

but let's get back on track...i've been drinking makers...and when i drink mark i start in with that, "Frank Sinatra, she shot me down, give me a cigarette, King of Sad" thing. i had a drink tonight and it catapulted me back four years ago to a time and a place i didn't want to remember...remember how i hated crying, yeah, this is right up there (probably cuz i cried - SHUT UP)

i hate being lied to - i remember as a kid growing up i believed in everything that everyone said. i didn't understand the concept of being lied to, i was pegged as gullible. people could tell me their dad was some crime-fighting super hero and i'd beleive them...until i started to get smart...then i realized a lot of what people said was full of shit, further proven by their actions. what's sad is as i've gotten older and gotten wiser, i've been able to see through people's deceitfulness, their lies, their awkwardness, and have known better; i still give people the benefit on the doubt and believe in them. i mean come on, i've got a degree in social engineering (ask me about it) but yet i still wanna believe in the goodness of mankind and believe that people aren't straight up lying to my face...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg on what's fucked up - But I just think good things will happen, if you are a good person with a good attitude, don't you think..sofia said that...people use me, i said that. people see the great potential i have and either wanna make me harness it, or use it for their own good.....the bad part is, i never use it for my own good....i'm like some secret weapon that somehow the bad guys get ahold of and somebody tries to win me back....but of course i'm oblivious to what is really going on and am just happy to be apart of the ride...

i don't get how i let people use and abuse me, i'm not stupid, but yet i get caught up in the whirlwind fantasy that people are all good...."half the people can be part right all of the time..some of the people can be alright part of the time..but all the people can't be all right all the time...i think abraham lincoln said that..."

fantasy....that's my life, that's how it's always been....i used to believe in shit like Santa, and if i was a good person good things would happen to me, be a good student and the doors would be open, the world is your oyster.....well, i'm salty from the lies. i'd rather be given no hope than more than a chance....at least with no hope i'd have something to overcome...with more than a chance i feel it is owed to me..well, i've come to realize nobody owes anything to me....and that has left one huge fucking chip on my shoulder...

i just want things to make sense...but, again..it's closure i seek, it's the endings i hate...i want something i'm afraid of, yet i'm able to lay it all on the line..










"I'll let you be in my dreams if i can be in yours, i said that..."

2 Months

but what the heck...
..it's november...

and i'm a little drunk

Who wants a post?!?! ok, don't answer...i've been doing this daily booth thing for y'all every day..it's like an awesome mini blog..of sorts...it's like twitter as in i get to write a blurb, i get to add a picture, and in my picture i add a caption..with stitch as well...sounds great eh?

thought so...

it's november, and just as a self fulfilled prophecy is, it's sucking. i'm only eleven days into this mess and it's beyound a shit show...yes i just said this goes to eleven and yes i used a u in beyound...

you know, the other day i waited on a guy who questioned where i was from...he wanted to play that game...he guessed africa, australia, and everywhere else...fuck, i thought he was gonna go states, but he went for the countries....he was thrown off by a certain dissertation in my voice, that doesn't make sense, he was thrown off by how i was saying things...i explained to him i mimic everyone i am around all day long..i can do impressions of literally everyone - it comes from having a keen sense of observation and trying to mock all noises you heard as a kid, go figure...yes, i was the kid who made siren noises and barked like a dog because i wanted to sound as close as possible to it.

as i said it's november..this is how i handle things...i keep them inside...the mere fact i am blogging right now is a fucking miracle - the fact i am cursing a lot isn't surprising....don't want shit, don't start no shit then...yes i just used a double negative, yes you can fuck off.

i get angry when i drink..at times...i guess it comes with the territory....i mean mood or month or something...i'm rambling..

you know what i hate, emotion. mother fuck emotions. if there is one thing i'd rather live without it'd be emotions...i don't like it when people cry, i don't like it when people are all in my face happy, and i especially don't like it if i become one of those people...i cried tonight...i felt like a fucking pussy - not because crying is gay, but because it's below me. i didn't cry when TJ passed away, but on;t because i was expecting it...throw me a wrench and i break down, i fucking hate that...i hate losing control, i fucking hate defeat..

someone told me i was still hung up on my ex, you know, the fucking bitch who still owes me 6k - and i'm not saying she owes me six letter K's, i mean six to the thousand dollars ..yeah, not hung up on her as so much i'm hung up on the fact that i failed...i tried, actually tried to get her back - even though i knew it was stupid, i knew we weren't supposed to be together and hell, i actually initiated the breakup - what i can't get a grasp on is the fact that i fucking tried and i failed...i wasn't good enough, i couldn't win..i was a fucking loser..

would i be happy with her now, who the fuck cares, probably not, i'd probably be trying to break up with her again because i talk to fast using words she doesn't understand...you want a grading scale for women try this...take her IQ, subtract her weight, if it's positive you're golden....

i hate dumb bitches like i hate...whatever..emotions? go with that one again...my mouth tastes like a night at louies...where the fuck is the dumb bitch in my bed this evening..

you know what i hate...i hate the fact i wanna write my thoughts down about everything right now...but there's sooo many different parties that would fucking eat this shit up that i just couldn't deal with that...how dare i publish what's going on in my life for others to read...

which leads me into my last thought, i hope....a co-worker of mine found out something random about me and stated he wanted to write a book about the mysterious enigma that is The Jangus - to which i replied if you were to do that, either a lot of pages would be blank, or if the truth got out, a lot of people would riot - i'll keep myself as the deleted chapter in everyone else's lives and fade away...

so here you go..it's november, so if you like me, do me a favor and fuck off til december...i don't want to deal with anyone or anything at the moment because i'll break...self-fulfilling maybe, my reality at the moment, yes.










"you want me to promise you something that's happening in June, i can't even commit to next week...."

Happy St Patty's Day

Guinness...
Green...

good things happen on spring break...

Woooooo..March has a lot of things to celebrate, what with Pi Day, the Ides of March, March Madness, Daylight Saving Time, and of course, St Patrick's Day it's hard to muster up the strength to pull myself out of bed and throw something green on - or maybe it's still the cold talking

i realized this morning that in light of my illness i had not been on par with my daily hygiene, so to speak - in fact during my friday into sunday slumber i had been awake maybe a total of twenty minutes..eyes open for a third of that really...and i used the bathroom, what, twice, if that..

So it was after all this i realized that the green i had been donning wasn't something i particularly should be...one of the pluses of being sick is you cannot smell just how bad you (may) wreak

awesome..on that note i shower..but i don't shave, i leave the scruffy facial hair, makes me feel like some sort of a renegade..you know it's not often in my life i get to keep the facial hair, everywhere i've ever worked has always frowned upon it..so i'll take what i can get in the meantime...

speaking of work - i got a voicemail today from work, asking not only where i was, but having the audacity to tell me that 'word is' that my facebook status updates say that i am doing well..but not at work.. *breathe* every time i start to talk about this i get furious..for like five reasons...first of all i have only made 4 updates in the past six days...if that isn't a sign that i'm sick, i don't know what is....and whoooo the helllll is telling management about my facebook status updates..especially inacurratly...ughh..makes me wanna burn that place to the ground...

so with all that being said...it's St Patty's Day...forget about all the cares in the world, grab a Guinness, wear a little green, and start a fight...it's you're god given Irish right!










"I may be deathly ill..but i swear i'll kick someone's ass today.."

Day Light Savings

More time to drink
More time to fuck up

I wake up on the couch and locate my phone underneath me to see what time it is..830 something...but what’s this...why has my phone been blown up over the night...6 missed calls, 2 voicemails, 11 texts....what did I miss?

5 missed calls, along with the 2 voicemails are from an 812 number that is not in my phone, what’s up with that? I figure someone just had the wrong number so I listen to the voicemails, half in it half out...the standard, “hey it’s me” starts off the message and I don’t recognize the voice...until the end...oh my god, she fucking called me...the ex fucking called me...listen to the next message...basically the same thing...she wanted to talk me to, she wanted me to call because it was urgent, like seriously important...

it’s funny that I just defended myself the other night against if she were to come back into my life would I get back with her...she may not have said “Jason I love you” or anything close to that, but as she ended the second message, the way the word “K” drunkingly slides off her tongue makes me melt a little...

the texts are not from her, random twitter updates - that mobile update shit is gonna stop - in part as to why I muted my phone last night...how ironic...i muted my phone and then the ex calls...it was probably for the best..

I go back to sleep, but my mind is compiling everything that just happened, so naturally she’s in my dream...i’m not happy nor rested when I wake to my alarm a little bit later.

I arrive at work for my 1030 shift and after thinking it over all morning long I finally send a text to the random number and the ex’s number stating “Hope everything is ok” - I’m a sucker for those I know in need...knight in shining armor syndrome I guess..i’m a softie because I care too much and I’ll do anything I can to make something right...i figured my response was just enough, not too much just a quick sentence, and it’s something so it is more than nothing...i get a response from the unknown number an hour later asking who I was...i tell them that the waste called me from that number last night and I was just replying to her, who is this...never got a response....the kicker would be if it was her new bf’s....

So then there was work...it was dead in the beginning...i just polished wine glasses for the better part of the day...management let two employees on break til 3 and then I was supposed to go..one of them said they would come back at 2 so I could actually get a break...i just wanted a chance to eat or it down..tonight is going to be hell....we are going to do something like 200 covers in 2 hours...our kitchen is going to crash, I know it..

Two o’clock comes and goes...i have a couple tables, but I want to eat....it’s nearing three and the dinner crowd is piling in, getting in the way as I am actually trying to work now that I got three tables in three different parts of the restaurant so I am not weeded, just a little bit hustling....”if you’re not on the clock, get the fuck out of the alley and out of my damn way - get your fucking food and head up to the room like the fucking animals you are!” - I love it when I get mad..and I think people do too...

It’s after three, I see the person who was supposed to relieve me finally walk in the door...cool, pre-shift has already started, I still have tables, and I’m about to get sat for my dinner rotation..fuck my life.

The restaurant fills up quickly, I got three tables I am working, but I’m not weeded like everyone else, in fact, I’m bored...i really don’t feel like helping out tonight though, too tired and I got fucked over, so I slowly meander from place to place, just out of eyeshot from management and those who give the look like they need a swarm or hands...i turn my tables quickly, the hosts are happy, I’m the only person who hasn’t complained to the host team yet so they are grateful with me..

My new turn however does effect me, at first..if I wanted to give my standard service, I would have been in a jam, I start to feel behind, but that quickly dissipates as my tables are trying to go the Colts game..saved, they give me their entire orders as I great them, multiple courses? - great, everything is getting run in at the same time...

It’s 8 and the restaurant is almost empty except for a few scattered tables, obviously oblivious to the game..of course one of which is mine...i fight to get my sets and sidework completed as my last table orders desserts...i’ve been there the longest and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be there any longer than I have to..

I get home something short of 10, and Gary grabs me to go to Bdubs with him..don’t worry we stayed in indy this time...the bloody marys weren’t the same, but I had two regardless...i check my facebook and email and all that crap on my phone while gary watches the colts pull a victory out of their asses...oh my god no....she requested my friendship on facebook...are you kidding me? And what a great profile picture....

I like to keep exes as friends on facebook just so I can see what whorible people they develop into..i mean look at THE EX, she got all fat and ugly...and dykey...it makes me feel better to know I got in when the getting was good....i’m not adding her right now...

Back home I am still upset about the place looking like a mess...i go straight to my room and close the door...this causes me to pass out relatively early for myself...but still it was the next day...

“You know what the difference between you and a cocksucker is? - Nothing! Now get the fuck out of my way!”

Hotsprings Place

the beginning..
of the end...

last night I didn’t go out to any birthday parties, didn’t drink, didn’t go over to the apartment..just stayed home because I had this horrible shift to work today...breakfast....6am....6am, the only other time I recall ever having to wake up before 6am to do something was going fishing with my grandpa...as much as I didn’t like it, it wasn’t anything in comparison to how it feels now...

Monday’s shift was an absolute crap shoot...the breakfast host called off saying he had a fever, so who do they ask to fill in the shoes...the only person crossed trained with enough experience to do half the positions in the restaurant...i guess they were anticipating a dull day because they would never take breakfast down to just one server. Shocked and amazed I started hosting at 630...guess I lucked out on that silverware from last night...

I hosted breakfast lunch...the day indeed was crap, I was released from my duties at noon thirty and head home...what a bust..although I did make ten dollars on a giftcard sale...not too shabby in my mind....

I get changed and settled in, I need to get over to the apartment shortly, we have plans, we are to view the three bedroom apartments...we arrive at the leasing office and they only have one bottom level three bedroom available...but have several top levels available..if going off of what I learned this past week from the place is to be true, that the walls are paper thin, I can only imagine the floors being the same way...top level means no DDR..and I cant deal with that...we humor the lady and she shows us the top three bedroom first..sure it may have a nicer view...can you even think about moving furniture up the stairs...funk that noise...the lower level apartment is actually three doors down from where Gary and Phil currently live...it’s apart of the same building, just on the other side..funny.

It was decided then that we would get that place..and I don’t know what I just did

the next day while Phil and I are at work we keep checking our phones to see if everything went through, if it was a go..we were told we would receive a call no later than 1pm if things were a go or not..we get no call....so after work I run over to see what is going on...who’s credit is fucked up worse than mine...turns out our leasing lady called in today, but everything is a go, come in tomorrow to sign the lease...wow...it is really happening...

later that night one of Gary’s exes comes over to go out to dinner...through miscommunication, error in plans, Gary playing Halo, me on the phone...we don’t head out to dinner til 930...as we all get in the car I am agitated because I was hungry at 7 and now nothing will be open by the time we get there..well, they will be open, but we’ll be those assholes walking in the door at 950 saying, “are you still open” after we take a look at the sign with their posted hours stating they are open til 10...fuck that, I’ll get fourth meal...well, lucky for us there is a restaurant right next to the apartment we have been wanting to try..so instead of 10 minutes til close, we give them 30...god karma is gonna fuck me...

we order margaritas and I get whatever the server likes - which turned out to be amazing, trust your wait staff...about the time the food arrives I order another pitcher of margaritas - it feels like old Monday nights, but not really..it’s Tuesday..and not anything but the margaritas are the same...as the pitcher arrives I ask the table who was the idiot who ordered that, I crack myself up...we finish our meal and make a stop at the liquor store conveniently located next door to the restaurant...amazing..

meanwhile joy has been talking something fierce to me...not fierce in a bad way, something fierce as in a “I’m so horny your dick wouldn’t stop being pleased” type of fierce...why don’t I live near anyone...

back home we continue to drink..the girl Gary is trying to see comes over and things get awkward..the girl who he wants to see and the girl he stopped seeing in one room...come on, you can’t have two bitches in one place, ever..i try to be the best wingman possible and entertain the ex, all the while texting Gary saying how fucked up this really is...both girls eventually leave and the night ends somewhere in the middle...rather, the fifth was finished...










G - fuck me
J - I don’t got time to fuck you
G - right, you’re too busy hanging yourself..

Let's Forget About Today

because i certainly did...
or am trying to..

So after getting the taste of alcohol on my palate Thursday, going out three nights in a row prior to that, the continued feeling of wanting to 'fuck shit up' on Friday, not getting to do a damn thing Saturday, i got my wishes today...

my day started off early, i was in some sort of mood though, one that would last throughout the day. i wasn't angry, or cocky, some may say funk, but it's not like that..i cant quite explain it...i'll just tell my stories..

today is in my day of rotation to shave - i shave every other day, just because i hate to shave, and so does my face. i can get away with it, what with having light colored hair and all. i make my way to the bathroom, needing to shower before i shave, but i look in the mirror, pause, and say fuck it...i showered just hours ago so i really don't need one at this moment and head back to my bed..ughhh, 7am is so early...

i don't know what it is with me, i could sleep for 6 hours or 18 hours and still not want to get up, they say breaking up is hard to do, i'd change that to 'waking up is hard to do'...i've never been a morning person because of this, my juices get flowing in the night. maybe it's the fact i have to face reality once again, my dreams are over, back to the grind, same ol same ol, nothing special - maybe its that mentality that makes me not want to get up or out of bed...or maybe its just natural.

i arrive to work at 8, my section is the patio, and i'm the only one on it til 10, this might actually turn out to be a decent shift. it's a beautiful day out so i quickly set up the patio, piecing it together, throwing table cloths all over the place, trying to hurry so i can get the breakfast crowd in my station. it's not long before it starts to happen...and before i know it i had an eight top, three deuces, and a one top...the patio is half full at this point, more tables are coming out but the host staff feels that's enough for me....everyone else inside is just standing around, hating me for the most part because i walk in and get the majority of the covers...for once it was good to be on patio...

lunch was the opposite - i had two other servers on the patio with me, plus we had the cocktail lounge...and for some reason i always wind up taking care of the tables there..we were supposed to pool, but as the day grew on so did the tension of the staff...the other breakfast guy i was working with and i were cut, the third of our group was to stay...but then the third was told to go on break, and my breakfast partner was told he wasn't cut....our SA left before we could tip him out, then the third in our group left without pooling our money together..it was a mess..

as i am checking out, Sean is about ready to leave and asks me what my plans are..of course i have none, so he invites me to hang with him and watch the game..i oblige - even if he is a hardcore demoncrat - we get along very well though..the destination, Hooters...honestly, that place could not exist and i wouldn't notice, sorry Dpants.

we arrive and sit on the rail, or whatever it is, opposite the bar..i now know why Sean comes here, he knows practically everyone in here, from wait staff to patrons...the drink of choice is Killians, good ol game watching beer. there was a point in the afternoon i would have cut myself off, i would have slowed down..but the beer kept on coming, i don't know if Sean was asking for it for himself, for both of us, or the girls just wanted to make me worthless, but the drinks kept coming, and who am i to turn down a drink.

i go over my drink limit, i'm beyond the point of return, might as well keep chugging, literally. i haven't been drunk in awhile - sure i've drank, but drunk....my birthday..and before that, Disney...that is my life. i can't explain why i fell out of the drinking scene, it wasn't like i took a stand against it, i just kinda exited out the backdoor and nobody took notice, not even myself.

after the fourth or fifth round of beers were finished Sean decides to mix it up..liquor - i know, horrible idea right? i oblige, trying not to look like a pansy here, hell, maybe it was i who suggested or pushed for it, i can't recall. i order my normal G&T, but they were out of tonic, so my only other option (in my head i can only think about two drinks while intoxicated, the one i have, and the one i want..usually the same thing) is to go for a makers and sprite. before i know it, i'm sipping the last bit of liquid out of my second glass...

the check comes per request of Sean, i don't even wanna think about how much we drank...but the bill only reflects thirty dollars - half of which were the two pasta salads we ate...wow, i can see why this guy keeps coming back. since we got the hook up, we returned the favor, 100% tips are always appreciated.

we depart and i start my walk back to my car, i put on my sunglasses, not to hide the sun, but to hide my eyes from passerbys on the sidewalk. my dilated pupils are enough to frighten most people. i pull out my phone, ughh, you know what's gonna happen here..

i tell myself i'm gonna call every number in my phone - this is a little better now seeings how just last week i updated the address book, removing half the contacts that were in there, still leaving me with slightly over 100 though. i call Joy, leave a message...I call TJ...leave a message, does the world know i am drunk or something?

i hold that thought momentarily while i drive back home, probably the only thing to stop me from using my cell phone while driving is alcohol, thats probably for the better...

i make it home, it's 6..i'd been drinking for the past 4 hours, my body is going to hate me...inside my place i lay in bed and continue the calling...i call Lady O (aka dream girl in my phone) she answers. i chat it up with her, we do some catching up, i swear this call lasted an hour..she asked me how things were with 'facebook drama girl', asked about my father's trip, i start to think in my head how does she know, or partially know some of the things she is making mention to...could it be possible that Lady O reads the blog too? she tells me she's gonna finish up her, shhhhhh cooking, and give me a call back in a few hours, fair enough...

i wake up an hour later...i'm sitting in the dark, yes sitting, sitting where i was when Lady O ended our call, right on the toilet. i try to gather my senses, but i'm drunk, officially...i decide to possible let someone else use the bathroom seeings how this is the only one in the house, and make my way into my room. as i crash into bed my phone rings, it's TJ..i can't recall what we talked about, i just think the conversation was quick...i pass back out...

it's 11:30 and i'm waking up for the second time tonight...i feel like shit moreso only because my body aches, it's funny to me that the only thing not in pain is my feet, the one thing that was hurting earlier today..but now everything else hurts to move. i'm not going to be able to go to sleep forever tonight..and that's all i really wanna do, that and remove the metallic taste from my mouth...

i suppose if i could make two highlights from this evening it would be that i didn't puke (i hate throwing up, and dry heaving is the worst) and i didn't call the ex...thankfully my ambition to dial everyone lasted for only three calls...i think you all can thank Lady O for that one, she had possession of the ball and milked the clock til it was all over...nice strategy...

in other news i found out today that Joy has been reading the blog, i didn't think she was reading it, i just thought she followed my status updates on facebook and talked to me..i mean, i do know it is advertised on every profile i have on the internet, but still...it's not a bad thing that she reads it, no, i mean, that's part of the idea behind a blog, to have people read the shit you write..i just didn't think she did..i go over in my head any asinine thing i may have said in here..and of course she lets me know while i'm piss drunk - i can't defend myself, my words, nothing without my mind fully functioning..i don't even remember what i say to her via texts nor the voicemail i left her, and i do not want to...it probably wasn't the right thing at all, and it probably just made matters worse...

i think she questioned as to why i call her Joy, maybe she did, maybe i am making this up, who knows, but i'll continue for my betterment...i don't use real names, everyone with the exception of TJ has a pseudonym...it's usually a play on their original name or some crafty nickname i gave them...it's gotten to the point where i actually had to make a list of real names and their counterparts to reference so i could correctly use them in the blog.

but to get all heart felt and sentimental, here's the explanation...despite Joy's situation, past or present, no matter what is going on around her, even if she is about to have a breakdown, she still possesses that bit of joy to her...maybe i'm the only one who notices, but she could call me upset at the world, and all i would hear is the bliss of her soul. she's always brought happiness to me (even though she may have left me at CP and it saddened me..it was needed). we've gone months without talking to one another, for whatever reason, nothing bad just situational i suppose, but when we do talk, we pick it all up like we haven't missed a beat. she's a great woman who's been there for me in the past three years...it's also my mother's middle name - though my mother may hate it, and though my mother and i aren't very close, Joy gives me a sense of a motherly love i suppose in a way...

she brings out the joy in me and that is why i named her Joy.

"What's your tolerance like, cuz you sound fine right now..."