Ta Hell Wit Dis.....

yeah....i'm not angry, though if provoked i will turn on you in a heartbeat right about now...chevy....anyways.....

i'm hitting all time low depression status, this usually happens around mid-november, give or take, but it's not even the end of october, which is not a very nice outlook for next month.....i don't know why i have this cyclical depression, i'm human, kinda like pms for a woman, but i'm in the bluest of blues....

i thought about the standard execution thign, naaa, i want my body to be rittled with bullets, ganglance style...just a thought....

last night at target wasn't better either..two things....everybody was having a bad night, myself defiantly included, and as everybody was griping i jokingly said do you think those bars are strong enough for me to hang myself, no i chuckled, it was said as a joke, but somebody got defensive and was like why would you want to do that...so me in my stubborness had to defend why on god's green earth somebody woyuld want to commit suicide....i commented about going to hell anways, then they said, but if you do that you'll be stuck in purgatory for all eternity....so what's so bad about that, not hell, not heaven, just the middle, doesn't sound so bad.....

and then the next thing, i got pissed at the backroom team lead, stacey, i already was in a bad mood on the line, then she cam over and did something, and it angered me..so then i wouldn't talk to her, just ignored her the rest of the night, no biggie.....but apparently that upset her...she's a team lead, people hate the team leads on a daily basis..oh but when i decided not to talk to someone who upset me, the world stops, helllll no. i thought the funniest lines i said last night was when helen said i looked upset, and i responded with, "do you usually look happy when something pisses you off?"..i don't know, i had some other one liners and forgot those as well...

and then i had to go into the highschool today, i didn't think it would be so hard, but god damned if it didn't bring me to my knees. i walked around looking at the new construction, everything still had that same smell..it was sad...and of course walking by everything reminded me of some occurance that happened there..and of course it was all the things haunting me that i want rid of, first kiss, the spot where we said our goodbye's, my locker, the place where the gum didn't exchange like it should have, running/skipping round the halls, the girls room.....it was too much.....

i don't know if i can take all this, next month will be even worse, and it seems every year is getting worse...if i can make it til x-mas, i know i can make another year, but what's to say i will be able to make it after this time next year.....goodnight